Hello Everyone/ Anyone who may be reading:

Wind just started picking up again. I am grateful to have electricity and internet at this time. I haven’t been out today except for the bit over an hour walk up-and-down the hills where I live, during a break from the rain (the rain did resume in the last 10 minutes of my walk).

Utility companies have confirmed that line workers are working 24/7 shifts to repair downed lines (a quarter of a million customers are without power in this state alone). I still have power. If I didn’t, I’d insist on driving, or being driven (in the dark) downtown where there’s power and light, however dangerous the ride may be. I just can’t imagine life without power if there’s power somewhere else.

Plan tomorrow- to drive 3 hours each way to meet a 6-month-old beagle, and if the meeting goes well (if the beagle’s okay with it), to pay the price for him, and bring him home, to his new, forever home. Thinking of a name to call him (he wasn’t given a name). I am already feeling overprotective, like taking him on my walks but picking him up if confronted by another dog (or if a bear, or a cougar shows up). I don’t want him to feel alone or neglected. He’ll be like my kid. He will sleep in my room, and if he needs to- in my bed.

Had to postpone travelling to meet him earlier in the week because of floodings, but seems like tomorrow, early morning, is the day. Will check activity on the forums using my phone.

Whatever comes to mind this Wed evening: it’s been a long time since I thought of or talked about my mother, the most powerful and influential person in my life by FAR. The word “mother” doesn’t feel fitting, not at all. Just the wrong title when it comes to love and closeness. What I experienced is something else, an entity that was AGAINST me, an enemy.. not a mother-protector, but someone who hated me and found pleasure in hurting me and seeing me hurt.

This message she sent me was that I am bad, shameful, guilty, and worthy of punishment. This became The Message drilled into my Formative Years, Formed into my psych.

And that’s her legacy in my life.

I don’t care anymore about what she felt, what she’s suffered, I mean I do care from afar, objectively, but subjectively, TRUTH is- it was no mother of mine. No one, or no thing I owe allegiance to. No more loyalty of any kind!!!

I say “it”, not “she” because the extent of her emotional cruelty (she hasn’t literally broken my bones) was so HUGE, so persistent, so enduring, that she felt like an “It”, a non-human monster.

And so.. why should I care, what should I care about? I don’t wish her (it) pain, vengeance, no. It’s just that to be true to what I really experienced, it was not a mother (compassionate, protective). It was something I needed protection from.

So, what else is there for me to say other than to undo the decades-long crippling confusion: no, it was not a mother. In context of me, it was a monster and I owe it no more attention. No more compassion. None whatsoever. Amen.

I think I’m going to pick up a beagle tomorrow ✨

Anita

Worth repeating: “TRUTH is- it was no mother of mine. No one, or no thing I owe allegiance to. No more loyalty of any kind!!!… In context of me, it was a monster and I owe it no more attention. No more compassion. None whatsoever. Amen”.

Amen. I mean: I am moving on from “it”, from its (her) curse in my life. Noving on to what’s beyond that travesty of justice, beyond that Abuse, claiming a piece of paradise for myself. Right here, right now.

Not needing anyone’s approval, but welcoming anyone who cares to approve, to support.

🤍 Anita