Dear Tee:

I hope writing this long message (sitting) didn’t hurt you…?

I read your whole message and I like everything you wrote 🙏 🙏 🙏

I have a piece of good news: last night I slept much better than the 2 nights before. I think that the severe lack of sleep contributed to my elevated anxiety (at times it was scary and the thought of going to urgent care for new medication crossed my mind) and to the severe increase of motor and vocal tics. This morning there’s a significant improvement in both. I’d like to think that your prayers are part of the improvement 🙏 🙏 🙏

I’ll come back to your message later and respond further.

🙏 🤍 🫶 🤍 🙏

Dear Tee:

I just lost a long post I prepared for you.

Maybe I better summarize what I wrote and lost:

No, I don’t mind you thinking out loud and offering possibilities that may have not crossed my mind. I welcome you to continue to offer me your thoughts (grateful).

Bruce and Carrol- they may not have shown up because of Bruce’s health issues. Although they could have been there regardless (sad)

The taproom owner (also serves alcohol almost every day the taproom is open so to save money and maximize profit)- that’s a different story from Bruce and Carrol. He is a smart business owner whose focus is profit. He saw us visiting the taproom regularly before he bought the place (with another partner) and saw us there since, so.. he didn’t think he’d lose 2 customers if he didn’t show up a single time at the winery. He thought we are a sure thing, that we’ll keep showing up (so why bother with wasting energy or a few dollars on coming to the winery..?)

He’s very friendly and charismatic when serving alcohol, but when he’s at the taproom not serving (an employee does that)- he mostly ignores the customers. So, however friendly.. it’s a business practice more than genuine friendliness.

I haven’t been there since Tues when I felt badly there for the first time, resentful.

I am thinking- for socialization purposes- to switch businesses, go somewhere else in the same downtown area, a place that’s also less expensive. My heart is no longer at or with the taproom.

As far as businesses that sell alcohol being sued- thing is that employees who serve alcohol, as well as the businesses selling alcohol, are bound by law to not overserve. An employee is trained to detect a customer’s tipsiness and cut him or her off (refuse to serve more). If a customer, while under the influence, gets into an accident, the cops will test their breath and if UDI-ed, they’d ask the person: “where did you have your last drink?” (something like that) and then it goes to lawyers, the business gets sued (hence the huge insurance premiums), as well as the server gets penalized individually.

I just found out the message I thought I lost:

Tee: “Because it is a big change, and something you definitely didn’t want, since you say you’ve been in denial about it… So now, when it finally happened, it hit you hard, causing strong emotions, as well as anxiety about the future.

“It seems you really loved the place, worked so hard, making sure everything is running smoothly. You worked both in the fields and inside, wherever there was a task that needed to be done – you were there to complete it. As Alessa said, you put your heart and soul into it. 🤍 You’ve even neglected your own house… putting all your efforts into the winery (and Tiny Buddha, of course 🙂 )

“And of course, when you give something your everything, it hurts bad that it’s coming to an end, an unsatisfactory end 😕”-

Thank you! I read your words attentively. I feel that I am understood, validated.

“Right.. so never in a four years was there a profit for the owners.. I guess they were always hoping for better times, for the business to pick up? Perhaps they too wanted it so badly that they didn’t want to see the reality of it: that the expenses are huge and the income doesn’t cover them (or barely covers them)?”- Yes.

“I’m sorry about that, Anita 😢 I guess they offered a very low price, and the owners were forced to accept it, because keeping it was bringing more loss with each day, right?”- right, plus it’s a buyer market.

“You said that you had pretty significant social anxiety, and that when in the company of people at various social events, you mostly listened, but you didn’t contribute to the conversation much (if I got that right?)”- I started talking to people about 3 years ago (at the winery and at the taproom).

“So perhaps you haven’t talked much to him (the taproom owner) either, haven’t engaged in a conversation, and so he didn’t feel as close to you as to come visit the winery on its own accord?”- I engaged plenty with him in the last 2-3 years. I was very friendly, empathetic, attentive, as well as with his customers, making people feel comfortable, and being helpful to him whenever there.

“Well, that’s human nature… nobody likes to pay more if not necessary. Probably those goods were put on sale, and people bought them?”-

No, nothing was put on sale. People came by and asked to buy this or that, mostly big wine barrels, half of which costs $80 dollars in the store. They ended up paying only $25 a barrel. People asked for bigger discounts on wine bottles than was already offered (50%, more than the final sale of 40% already offered.. and received it).

“You said routine has always helped you calm down, so I guess you’ve got to find a new routine, perhaps around cleaning and organizing the house at first. And I guess you get to do your daily walks too.”-

yes, I’ll resume the 3.5 mile loop walk around here and started working on organizing the severely neglected house, 1.5 hours today, (following 2.5 hours work at the winery today, packing things)

“I was thinking that you’re lucky that you’re in good health and mobile (something I’m very limited with), and that you’re able to do hard physical work – showing how healthy and strong you are. And I’d see it as a very valuable resource, which I would be over the moon to get back.

“I’m not saying this to diminish your predicament, or to minimize your pain and loss. Not at all! I’m just saying that you’ve still got your health, which is super important. And you can start anew, invent your life anew.”-

Thank you, Tee and/ but I think I share health anxiety with you, I get so scared when I feel pain, like I did this afternoon, in my right knee.

“I hope you’ll feel more hopeful in the following days, as you’re accepting and relaxing into this new reality. Perhaps you can reframe it as a loss, but not a devastating, unrecoverable loss. You do have the ability to bounce back, and I’m sure you will! 🤍

“Dear Anita, I’ll keep praying for you!”- Thank you so much. Tee!

I’ll add that today, for the last time, I did my exercise short routine at the winery, and as I did the hip muscles strengthening exercise- something you recommended that I do, I thought of you as I looked at the mountains around, cloaked in clouds. So, it was like you were there, with me.. for the last time 😕 😕 😕

🙏 🤍 🫶 🤍 🙏 Anita

Dear Tee:

How are you???

(I just realized I never opened a post to you with this question)

I slept very, very little last night- woke up extremely early and was too awake to go back to sleep. I am sad today because it’s the first Friday without the Winery 😔 😔 😔

It’s raining and grey outside and I am overwhelmed by how much the house is messy and even messier having brought in so much papers and things yesterday. How can I ever clean this place when THINGS are everywhere.

I couldn’t come up with returning a smile to the new owner who not only paid very, very little for the huge property, but also demanded a credit for something while receiving tons of free equipment, computers, safes.. fancy decorations.. including bottles of wine left for her. I’m simply angry at the injustice of it, as in Greed Wins.

Again, I am besides myself.. help?!

Thank you, James and Alessa (thank you for the white hearts, Alessa!) I’ll reply further by tomorrow.