Hi Alessa 🙂

Thank you for your empathy and for trying to be helpful. I appreciate you being assertive (asking me to reply to your messages separately).

I definitely don’t want to argue or escalate tensions. I want to do the opposite- to de-escalate tensions.

I am glad that you had good times as a child riding a bike, eating pizza and ice cream cones 🚴🍕🍦.

I have a pleasant memory myself riding a bike when I was 16.

🤍 Anita

Dear Tee:

Thank you so much for your concern and support. I am sitting at the wnery right now and feeling quite sad. I am missing the place already, been here every single day (except for a few) for 4 years. This is wehere I danced to live music outdoors and indoors, where I socialized with so many people from all over the country and the world. Actually, the photo you see- that’s me at the winery (indoors).

I didn’t live on the premises. My concern about a place to stay is about the house (3 miles away from here) having been mortgaged so to buy the winery, and the winery being sold for a significant loss worries me in regard to the debt not being paid off. I don’t feel a.. clear and present danger of being homeless anytime soon.. but I figure (and I hope I’m figuring wrong) that it’s possible. I am not too worried, really. I take it one day at a time.

It started raining here cats and dogs, good thing I got some tme walking between the trees and the area before it started raining.

I will miss this place SO MUCH!

Thank you for listening/ reading, Tee. It makes me feel better to know that as you are reading this (when you do), I am not alone with my thoughts and feelings.

I will reply further later. Just wanted to add before I sign out that I think very highly of you, and I appreciate you very much.

Anita

Dear Tee:

Sincerely, Tee- living in a tent would be a significant improvement over living/ growing up with my mother. I suffered so much day in and day out, night after night. The distress was heavy and ongoing. Life is so much, much, much better simply for no longer being stuck with her..!!!

“It’s just occurred to me that parents who meet their children’s physical/material needs seem on the outside like good parents, because there are no visible signs of abuse or neglect, the child is well-kempt, and everything seems fine.

“And I’m thinking that it is for those kind of parents that people often say (including their adult children later in life): ‘well, they did the best they could.’ Because they had a job and put food on the table, which means they weren’t addicts, alcoholics, they haven’t abandoned their children, there was no domestic violence (at least not the kind where police would need to intervene).. so all in all, they led a seemingly orderly life (seen from the outside), and were hard-working parents.

“But no one knows what’s happening behind closed doors, and what kind of emotional (and physical and even sexual) abuse a child is exposed to. It all happens covertly, without people knowing about it. Those parents aren’t good parents, but they’re considered good parents by societal standards, because they don’t visibly abuse or neglect the child. But no one is asking what effect they have on the child’s psyche..”-

Yes, Tee, “they don’t visibly abuse or neglect the child.”- she said: “You think I’m stupid? I will not break your bones”

“And I think we (society as a whole) need to become aware that providing for the child’s physical needs but destroying their psyche isn’t really good parenting..”-

Again, sincerely.. it was absolutely T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E living with her. It was a never-ending nightmare. If I was magically offered to go back in time and be a child again- in her custody- I would immediately choose death over reliving it. No second thinking. No question about it. And no exaggeration.. it really, REALLY was a nightmare.

I am so happy right now simply for not being THERE. And again, a tent would be a great improvement.

So, the food, the toys.. the money she spent on me and for which she heavily, heavily guilt-tripped me.. like you said, the gifts were totally NOT a good deal (“the ‘gift’ is laced with poison, so to speak. We might end up feeling undeserving of the gift, because of this constant shaming and self-pitying on their part. The result is severely diminished mental health (C-PTSD), while at the same time having all the material things we can wish for. Not a good deal”).

“The problem is that every narcissistic mother is a good mother in her own mind – she believes she is a perfect mother and can do no wrong… her subjective evaluation of herself as a good mother doesn’t really mean anything”- Exactly, 100%

“And that’s what makes narcissistic parents so harmful: they believe they’re great parents, they’re telling you they are the best parent in the world and that they care about you so much, all the while they’re abusing you.”- again, it’s like you were there.. Actually you were there.. with your own narcissistic mother, your own nightmare 😢

“And then when you (their child) dare to say anything, or if you don’t behave the way they want you to behave – you’re called evil, ungrateful, selfish, hurting them etc. You’re made into a villain for simply having normal child’s needs. Or simply for the air you breathe, as it was in Anita’s case.”- You WERE there.

“So this “great mother”, the “best mother” is a lie with which they’re elevating themselves, denying their abuse, gaslighting their children and guilt-tripping them for “hurting” their mother. It’s a ploy to destroy the child, basically.”- This is Tee Telling it like it is, Tee the Truth Champion, my Hero!!!

“In narcissistic abuse, the ‘good’ is intertwined with the bad, they cannot be separated. Even when we’re receiving the good, we’re also receiving the bad. That’s why it’s hard to appreciate the good: because it was contaminated with the bad. It was poisoned, if you will.”- YES! In my experience everything was bad, the “good” not really good because it was contaminated with guilt-tripping and shaming.

A cake tastes good but shame and guilt taste so very bad.

.. There’s been something I’ve been struggling with for a while, Tee. It’s the red heart emojis. Red was her very favorite color, and if I remember right, she drew red hearts, or maybe I drew those for her so to please her.. because I knew she loved red. I returned those to you because of a people-pleasing tendency.. But I don’t want to do that anymore. No complaints about your red heart emojis.. It’s just that I didn’t tell you before what red means to me.

You ARE the best, Tee. Thank you for you being you! I’ll close with a white heart emoji.

🤍 Anita

Whatever comes to mind, listening to the old, old music of my youth:

It’s strange how much younger I feel now than I felt 50 years ago, 40 ago, and so on.

I feel younger, lighter.. (weird when I accidently face a mirror.. What the hell.. What happened to my face? When?>>)

Stuck in half a century+ of relentless shame, guilt, distrust… and then shaken into LIFE and finding myself approaching elderly.. For Crying Out Loud-

I didn’t yet get to do Young..!!

What are those wrinkles about, white hair, thinning skin.. What the.. How did I get to be old BEFORE I got to be young..?

How?

Don’t know. The mirror doesn’t lie.

Actually, I do know- It takes a “mother” who relentlessly SHAMES the little girl born through her, having nowhere else to go. No Way Out or Away.

So, these days, talking to people IRL, not seeing myself in a mirror, I FEEL like a teenager, a young one. And I see other middle-aged and elderly as fellow teenagers.

Filling in the huge gap of an unlived life.

Wanting to hold the hand of a 62-year old (a woman/ girl I know) and drag her to the sandy playground to play.

Really, this IS how I feel.. I feel.

How old am I? Y.O.U.N.G, that’s how young.

Youth can really be put on hold for 50 years, it really happens, it happened here, to me.

If I could go back half a century of a hiccup that kept going for half+ century, I’d drink a lot of water and get rid of that hiccup.

How did I get to be old before I got to be young..???

I am listening right now to a Hebrew song called “Ima” (mother), and it still makes me smile because of the dream involved.. “Ima, the highest one, ‘my queen'”, the song says.

Here, I am playing it again, “Ima… to make you happy… Ima, Ima.. the moon sings to you.. You’re with me.. I’ll build castles for you, my queen..”-

Yes, this definitely resonates.

“You’re with me.. Ima.. I’ll build castles for you, Ima”- Well, I tried.. You know the story, Tee.

More Hebrew music.. Beautiful, Hebrew music.. Shlomo Artzi is his name.. And another, Shashi Keshet is his name… And Yosi Banai.

Bed time approaching.

If I am to summarize all this in a sentence or two, I’d say: a mother can easily be the No 1 force of construction (didn’t experience this aspect, wouldn’t know), or destruction (experienced that..).

Anita