Dear Tee: (SA Trigger Warning for Alessa or anyone who may get triggered)

The above is major, for me. Never would I think that I will find relief in a memory of sexual incest. But relief is in what’s been hidden in darkness coming to light.

… I wrote the right above before I noticed you submitted the latest post for me, so glad it’s not too much for you, as for me: I was quite calm when I posted to you last, now the emotions are catching up to me.

I CAN’T BELIEVE I was BLIND for SO LONG!!!

TOOK THE BLAME, THE SHAME.

Tears in my eyes.. I DIDN’T KNOW! Why didn’t anyone tell me../

All this time, these decades, I carried shame that was not for me to carry..

Forever Thankful to You, Tee- FOREVER.

Anita

Dear Tee:

“It occurred to me that the way she was bathing you (scrubbing your head to the point of pain, as well as inappropriately touching you) might also have been a form of revenge and punishment for perceived (or real) humiliation that she’d experienced as a child.”-

It makes sense, yes.

But also, one of her personality disorders was Obsessive Compulsive. She didn’t let me wash myself because she was bothered by the idea that I will not do a thorough, perfect job.. Just as she wouldn’t let me wash dishes or clean anything in the apartment, she didn’t trust me to do a thorough, perfect job.

She scrubbed my body hard just as she scrubbed any item in the apartment.

Later in life her OCPD eased as she said herself: “I was stupid to care so much about perfect cleanliness.. Why was it so important?” (paraphrased).

And yes, I was an item to be cleaned.

I think that she resented doing all that hard work, cleaning everything. I think that she wished she didn’t have to, and cleaning me was a chore she wouldn’t have to do if she was rich and had a maid.

“It could be that she felt humiliated – not necessarily by her father abandoning her, but perhaps by what happened in the orphanage (has she shared anything about that?), or by severe beatings at the hand of her oldest sister. She might have felt not only helpless but also humiliated by that, but you said she’d never expressed anger towards her sister.”-

No doubt she had very humiliating experiences growing up, or.. growing-ashamed my be a more accurate term. I misspoke about her not expressing anger at her oldest sister.. I don’t remember her confronting her oldest sister (I’ll refer to her as M), but I know that for a while she wouldn’t talk to M, as in a no-contact, because she was angry at her, she realized at that time that M really, really did hurt her.

But after some time she went back to talking with her. It’s like part of her was M. M was an overt aggressor, consistently, no meek/ people pleasing performances; the mother switched between being M and performing meek/ people pleasing- unlike M- in between returns to being the overt aggressor that M was.

“However, the intense sense of shame and humiliation (and anger) hasn’t just disappeared. And so she was expressing it to you, with whom she felt safe to express anger and to shame you as much as she pleases. So I’m thinking that this entire ritual of bathing you beyond appropriate age might have been a way to revenge for the humiliation she’d experienced as a child.”-

Yes. I think she sometimes turned into her oldest sister. I think that M was her No 1 Abuser.

“It also had sexual connotations, and so I’m wondering whether she was sexually abused (e.g. inappropriately touched) in the orphanage? Has she ever shared anything about that period of her life?”-

Not that I remember. If she did, it was very little.. Wait, how could I forget.. It was in the orphanage (she insisted calling it “institution”, not orphanage) that she lost all her hair- forevermore- as a result of an untreated scalp fungus infection. A shame she carried with her throughout her life.. cutting her head off photos.

And it occurred to me just now.. for the first time in my whole life, why she scrubbed my scalp so terribly deep and rough.. because I had hair and she didn’t..?

I didn’t know she had no hair until I was 26 or 27. She wore wigs the whole time. I just didn’t know until .. was it my sister who told me (I don’t remember). I was in shock at the time, that for a quarter of a century, I didn’t know.

“Alternatively, sexual connotations might also have to do with her obsession with sexuality, which we’ve talked about, and sort of punishing you (as a representative of all women) for ‘stealing’ her father away. Of course, this is pure speculation, I’m just throwing some ideas around, in case it resonates..”-

I remember that the last thing I wanted to do or be- was a woman. Not that I wanted to be a man.. but I definitely didn’t want to be a woman. A genderless doll is more like what she’d approve of.. Just like the dolls she gave me as gifts.

“Possibly. Though she seemed not to have been too upset when you were leaving to the U.S. I actually wanted to ask you about how she reacted to your leaving. You said she was touching your hand softly before your departure, so I assumed she expressed support. But was she okay with you leaving? May I ask how she reacted later, when the marriage was annulled and you returned home for a brief period?”-

Good point, Tee. She wasn’t upset at all about me leaving, and again, it never occurred to me that indeed she wasn’t upset. Sincerely, truthfully.. I was never a person to her, never of a human value, one she’d miss.. I was just a thing, a doll that messed up and turned into the unacceptable.. woman form (not by choice.. it just happened to the body I was ashamed of). But in her mind, seems to me, turning woman meant betrayal.

When I returned in 1986 from New Orleans.. I don’t think there was any discussion of what happened with the short-term husband of sorts. Why would there be..? For her to be curious about a Thing’s inner life or personal experiences? It’d be like looking at a plastic doll, an object made to resemble the appearance of a human, and wondering about the doll’s (non-existing) thoughts, feelings and life experiences).

“Oh I see. So, your sister got to socialize with other children from an early age (and your mother spent less time with her during the first years of her life). Unlike with you, when she was a stay-at-home mom, and you spent your entire time with her, up to your elementary school. It seems your mother didn’t even try to establish total control over your sister like she did with you.”- not physically, as in washing, feeding, wiping and dressing her. (Not necessarily in that order.. sad lol).

“You said she claimed your sister was more independent, so perhaps that played a role too. But she didn’t even try, or didn’t have the opportunity to instill complete control (including physical/bodily control) over your sister. However, she clearly managed to establish emotional control over her, since your sister believed she was a whore… And she also did whatever your mother told her to do… So, she was emotionally ‘enslaved’ (i.e. strongly enmeshed) with your mother, even though her body was free from your mother’s intrusions. Eventually, you left home to get some distance from your mother’s abuse. But your sister stayed and I imagine continued receiving abuse?”-

For the longest time I felt so guilty for leaving because when I did, she turned all her attention to my sister and literally told her to give her a child “Give me a grandchild” is what she told her. She said: “You are a great disappointment, the least you can do (to compensate me) is to give me a grandchild”. Nine months later, my sister gave her what she demanded.

Oh, did I mention the mother told her to marry a particular young man, a bad fit (just because he was blond and had blue or green eyes from a country in north Europe).. so, she did.

(The plot thickens, doesn’t it, Tee?)

“Oh, I didn’t know there used to be a special category called Sadistic Personality Disorder in the DSM, which was later replaced by Antisocial Personality Disorder.

“Yeah, sadism and APD do overlap, but they aren’t the same. APD is more typical for criminals, people who disregard rules and social norms. It can also be an obnoxious neighbor who is making noise in the middle of the night, disregarding the fact that it disturbs people who live in the same apartment building.”-

I had a neighbor like that when I last lived in an apartment building, back in early 2014. She used to use her vacuum cleaner at 3 am. When I told her it was disturbing my sleep, she told me that I was disturbing her sleep turning my vacuum clear or what not (during the day). I used to think of her as “the neighbor from hell)”

“Whereas sadism doesn’t even need to include criminal behavior, and yet can be very hurtful. I’m thinking now that making pranks on people can also be a form of sadism – enjoying seeing when someone gets hurt physically, or embarrassed/humiliated (i.e. hurt emotionally).”- Yes, I agree.

“And yes, your mother enjoyed when you (and others whom she’d shamed and humiliated) would get hurt emotionally, or even physically (when she would scrub your head to the point of pain, or when she would slap you on the face multiple times ’till her hands hurt’).”-

Yes, she enjoyed it. I just “heard” her say, accusatorily, angrily: “Well, there wasn’t anything else for me to enjoy, how dare you take away my only little thing to enjoy?) You bad, bad.. you!!!”

“Yes, that’s a very good observation: her disregard for and violation of your rights. By bathing you inappropriately, she was actually violating your rights (e.g. the right to bodily autonomy, or however it is called). And I believe she would have been held accountable for that – had the authorities known about it.”-

The authorities that didn’t protect her from her oldest sister.. the authorities that didn’t treat her scalp condition in the Institution.

“It occurs to me that she glorified, or at least excused criminals (both in real life and on film). Which means that she didn’t have a huge problem with criminal, antisocial behavior. It wasn’t morally objectionable to her, but she didn’t practice it so not to have problems with the law.”-

Well, in a different society, she would have been arrested for assault (and attempted battery) of the music teacher.. Disturbing the peace, etc… child Abuse (for the endless verbal and physical assault that the neighbors could hear).

But I have no memory at all of any authorities. I understand that things are somewhat improved back there.

“She also was aware that being more physically abusive with you (akin to breaking your bones) would have gotten her in trouble with the authorities. So she restrained herself – not because it was the right thing to do, but because she didn’t want to get caught.’-

Yes, although I’m surprised anyone back then got in trouble for breaking a child’s bones..?

Thing is, yes, she had no ethical sense within her, that is.. When she told me: “You think I am stupid, I wouldn’t break your bones!”, what had upset her was not at all that breaking my bones would be the wrong thing to do, but that I would think of her as “stupid”.

She said: “You think that I don’t know that I am wrong (about the way she treated me), I do know, but what can you do about it, you have nowhere to go)-

it’s not that she was acknowledging being wrong.. she’d never say she was wrong about anything (my sister would confirm it 100%, and she did), what was behind what she said was: “I am not stupid (one of her concerns)”. There was no looking-within, it was just.. I AM NOT STUPID and how dare you think I am!

“Anyway, she definitely violated your rights, and for some of those violations, she would have been prosecuted, I believe..”- I would retroactively resurrect a non-existing authority. I still wonder if any parent was held responsible for anything back then.

“Okay, I’ve just refreshed the forums and saw your latest post. My goodness, Anita, that’s pretty serious stuff. It could have been that she would have been charged on more accounts than I thought 😕 😢… I’m very sorry that all this happened to you. But also glad that, as you say, talking about it now and understanding it is bringing you liberation and healing. ❤️ 🙏

“And no, it’s not too much for me. It is tough, it’s painful even to listen to (and I can imagine how painful it is to you), but I’m glad that you can look at some of those dark places and bring light and healing to them. I just hope it’s not too much for you?”-

– No, it’s not too much for me. Holding all this in, unprocessed, or inadequately processed, suppressing memories and emotions had been too much for me.

But because of you (and I can’t reiterate it enough), I am healing, my healing process is accelerated.

I like your use of 😕, the puzzled face emoji that as far as I remember, I introduced it to you 🙂.

Forever grateful, Tee. you are my hero!

❤️ 🙏 🙏 🙏 ❤️, Anita

Dear Alessa and Tee:

Thank you for your thoughtful messages. I am taking a mental 😊 health day for now, but will thoroughly respond in the evening.

* The first thought I had today before I turned the computer on was.. I don’t remember the wording, but it was a feeling of self worth, of okaying myself. It was/ is a precious emotional experience, one of a kind, and that’s why I am taking a break.. so to enjoy this feeling, to let it settle.

🤍 ❤️ 🙏 ❤️ 🙏 🤍 Anita

Thank you, Tee. YOU made it happen. I said it before, I am eternally grateful and you are my hero!

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ (Back in the evening)

Dear Tee:

“You (and we) don’t need to stop discussing her.”- I am glad you’re saying this, Tee, because I am not done discussing her. (Part of me earlier was accommodating the inner critic who accused me of over-discussing, and not “getting over it”!)

“Discussing her helped you to understand what happened to you, and why she couldn’t really give you love – love that you have been longing for such a long time. A love that you as a child (and beyond) absolutely needed and deserved. You said it so beautifully:

“‘I waited for her to.. love me like a mother is supposed to love her daughter. I say ‘supposed’- not something I read, something I instinctually needed: a place to rest. A place to rest in a mother.’

“Each child has that need, that’s how our brains (and our hearts) are wired. But too many parents aren’t able to provide that safety (both physical and emotional) to their children. Too many parents are wounded children themselves, who end up hurting their children, perpetuating generational trauma.”-

Each child, yes.. I was just a child, a child like any child, not a shameful freak of nature like I believed I was.

“Heart-breaking 😢 Unfortunately, parents who commit those acts may rationalize it and may not think it’s a big deal, as you’ve said here… But I don’t care if it’s not a big deal for them: it is a big deal, a HUGE deal, for their victims. For their innocent children who seek a safe place, and get a dungeon with dragons.”-

I just felt so much affection for you, Tee.. for saying these things with passion (I meant emotional passion, of course.. everything feels contaminated as a result of sexual abuse.. the word “passion”, the word “affection”)

Like her affection when holding my hand on the way to the airport.. if it was affection, I couldn’t differentiate it from sexuality. Every smile on her face directed to me, a softness in her voice.. it all felt creepy.

“I’m not sure if I’m hearing some bitterness in your words, a part of you almost wanting to minimize your pain because for your mother, abusing you wasn’t a big deal?”- there’s an element of that still going on: denial, minimization.

“If so, please know that abusing you WAS a big deal, and not only from your perspective as a victim, but also from every normal person’s perspective. Childhood abuse, especially childhood sexual abuse, is a big deal for every sane person with a grain of empathy. It’s not something that people just shrug their shoulders to, as in ‘it happens’. No. Because even if it happens, it’s horribly destructive and it should never happen.”-

THANK YOU, TEE!

Not “a grain of empathy” summarizes the “mothering” I received.

“I’ve looked up childhood sexual abuse and came across some old videos of The Oprah Show, where she hosted survivors of childhood sexual abuse, including incest. And then I dug deeper, and realized that Oprah herself was abused as a child, both physically and sexually, which was one of the reasons why she started the Oprah Show: to talk about difficult human destinies and how to recover. And it seems that she contributed to passing a bill in 1993, colloquially called the Oprah bill:

“’Oprah bill” refers to the National Child Protection Act of 1993, which was informally named after Oprah Winfrey due to her instrumental role in advocating for its passage. The bill created a national database of convicted child abusers and was signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1993.

“I don’t know much about this field, but it seems there is already a lot of help out there, there are numerous websites and initiatives to prevent child abuse. And I guess there are educational programs at schools (though I guess not implemented everywhere) about what constitutes appropriate touch, etc. So I guess awareness about it is greater than before.”-

I want to join those sources of help.. those websites and initiatives!

“But I guess it’s still happening a lot, and it’s very insidious because it’s happening behind closed doors. And children (the victims) often don’t even have the awareness that what’s happening is wrong. And neighbors are still very unwilling to get involved.”- that’s infuriating to me right now, that they wouldn’t get involved!

A few years ago I came across a neighbor whose dog was visibly abused (caged in, running in circles, distressed, day in and day out). I walked into the neighbor’s private property and protested the dog’s abuse, loud and clear. Didn’t go well, but I didn’t want to be complicit, like the neighbors growing up-in.

Shortly after, the dog wasn’t there anymore, maybe removed to a better place.

“In one of Oprah’s videos, a victim (a man who was abused as a child, but has since recovered) said that even though the neighbors (and teachers!) saw that he was dirty and smelly, nobody said anything. People knew that his mother was ‘crazy’, but no one wanted to get involved.”- I relate 😢

“This didn’t happen now, it’s an old story, but still, it shows how difficult these things are, and how ‘institutions’ can really mess up, because even his teachers didn’t notice, or chose not to notice, that he was neglected (and there were obvious, visible signs of neglect).

“Anyway, that’s a complex topic, but I think what’s important for you personally is that you’re now talking about it and understanding what happened to you, and that your mother wasn’t able to give you love.

“You’ve also realized that none of that was your fault – that the abuse wasn’t your fault – and you found compassion for that little girl who only wanted to be loved and instead received the antithesis of it.”-

The “antithesis of love”- what a strong and accurate way to phrase it.

“I think that’s truly the key in your healing. Understanding her reasons and what was in her mind is less important, although it can be important in the sense of understanding that she too was wounded. Yet, as you say, she chose to perpetuate the abuse, unlike her brother, who sought to stop it… She went through a lot, and I can see that even her permanent hair loss as a child or adolescent may have contributed to her self-loathing and cutting her head off in photos. Perhaps she was bullied and humiliated due to her hair loss, which was an additional trauma.”- no doubt she was.

If only I could go back in time and rescue the girl that she was.. I would.

“All of that (baldness, beatings, bullying, her father abandoning her to be with other women, which led to her becoming an orphan, etc.)… might have led to an intense anger, hatred and a sense of powerlessness. And then the need to regain that power by subduing and controlling her own children. And getting a sense of self-worth by mercilessly shaming and humiliating her children.”-

M.E.R.C.I.L.E.S.S.L.Y.

“Plus there was sexual abuse, which we can speculate about the reasons why it happened (because it doesn’t necessarily have to be that she was molested herself). Nevertheless it happened, and perhaps that was the most insidious kind of abuse, because it wasn’t so overt, and yet it was boundary violation and trust violation. And it caused you to feel huge shame about yourself.”-

Very, very icky. It’s a shame of the kind that sticks.. like glue.

“All this is coming to light now, you’re realizing it, and I hope it is liberating (inasmuch it is painful too), and will gradually lead to healing. 🙏 ❤️”-

Yes, Tee.. healing, big time healing, wouldn’t be possible without your input and dedication to the cause, the cause being healing 🙏 ❤️

“So I think we can keep talking about it, if it’s helpful to you. I think it’s less important to understand what was in her mind and what her motives were (although we can speculate about it). What’s most important is that you’ve realized that it was abuse and that you started healing from it. And I hope you will continue to heal. And I’m glad I can help you in that process ❤️”-

Sincerely, Tee, I couldn’t do it without you. ❤️

“Also, as Alessa said… Yes! You’re the one you’ve been waiting for! I’ve heard that phrase before, and I’ve looked it up now: it’s the title of a book by Richard Schwartz (the creator of the Internal Family Systems therapy, which I respect a lot). But anyway, that’s the big wisdom and the big truth of healing ❤️”-

I will continue to heal and I am very grateful for your support and for Alessa’s support🙏

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏 Anita

* I may add a post after this, tonight (the night is young, officially early evening but very dark, windy and rainy)