July 1, 2019 at 9:39 am #301605
I work at a summer camp. Most of the kids I work with are 4 years old, but there is one 5-year-old and one 8-year-old. Most of the kids really like me. The girls always want me to play with them and to sit on my lap. The boys seem to equally like me. There is one girl who is 4 years old who really likes me and is always by my side. We were playing with legos and she kept asking me to build stuff for her. First, I built her a wand out of legos but she didn’t like it. So then she asked me to build a house. As I was building her house, the 8-year-old boy came and sat with us. The 4-year-old girl put on a flower crown and the 8-year-old boy told her she looks like an angel. Super sweet. But then she grabbed the house I was building her and starting hit me in the face with it and yelling “rawrrrr.” So as a joke you would tell to a 4-year-old, I said “you’re not an angel you’re scary, silly” because I assumed her reaction to being called an angel was to act like a monster and hit me and yell. But then the 8-year-old got really mad and said “I think she’s mad at you for calling her scary” and then he said “I don’t think she’s scary I think she’s beautiful” and I was like “yes you are so beautiful!” and then he said “you’re scary. You look like a witch” I was taken back and said, “you think I look like a witch? Is it because I am wearing black” and he said “no you always look like one.
I got really offended because I am extremely self-conscious about my looks. I am seeing a therapist about it (it is that bad), but in the meantime, I have a hard time dealing with other people. I avoid people because I don’t want them to think I’m ugly. I was honestly afraid of going to this job because I know kids are known to be “honest”
I don’t know if this kid honestly thinks I look like a witch or if he was trying to defend the 4-year-old. I wasn’t being mean at all to the 4-year-old girl. I was just being playful. She understands that. I know her well and I know she wasn’t upset about it and was laughing that I called her scary. But maybe the 8-year-old didn’t understand that? Either way, I feel really upset because of the possibility that he was trying to say I am ugly.
I feel like 8 years old is old enough to know that calling someone a witch/ugly is mean. I don’t think he would be as honest as a younger kid would be. But I don’t know.
The 8-year-old who said it to me seemed really mature and sweet before this incident. I’m also really nice to everyone so I don’t understand why he would try to hurt my feelings.
I was wearing grey pants and a black shirt, which may have affected why he called me that?
Another main reason why he may have called me that is because my hair is extremely puffy and curly. I wear my hair natural to work and it’s really frizzy and black. Maybe that’s why?
I don’t think he was talking about my face looking like a witch (downturned nose, small lips, etc) because I don’t have those features.
There’s nothing wrong with being a witch or being called one, but this kid seemed to mean it in a bad way. He said I looked scary and like a witch.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not but I just need help. I don’t know if he was calling me ugly. I’m 19 and his words shouldn’t affect me, but they do. I don’t care if somebody is 8 years old or 40 years old, I am afraid of their opinion on my looks. For the record, I don’t think I’m ugly. When I straighten my hair, put makeup on, and dress nicely I believe I am pretty. Even when I am natural (no makeup, curly hair, workout clothes, etc) I don’t think I’m ugly. But I have a great fear that other people do. I’m so scared of what others think ESPECIALLY about my looks because it is something I can’t hide. Please give me your opinion on whether you think this kid genuinely thinks I look scary and like a witch. I need honesty.July 1, 2019 at 11:08 am #301623
Please see to it that you don’t try to punish the boy for what he told you, that you treat all the kids respectfully at all times, and be appropriately assertive with them. I hope you have a competent supervisor on location so that when you don’t know what to say and do in a particular situation, you can get her/ his advice on the matter.
Your focus on your looks has been ongoing for a long time and expressed in your March 2018 thread “I feel ugly”, in your Nov 2018 thread “My cousin tells me I need a nose job”, in your Feb 2019 thread “I just want to be beautiful”, in your March 2019 thread, “I photoshopped a picture of my body on Instagram” and in your current thread.
In February this year you wrote: “In the very rare moments that I am truly happy with my looks and feel beautiful, I feel like the happiest girl in the world. Maybe I am trying to chase this feeling by trying to so hard to be beautiful. Feeling beautiful is one of the best feelings in the world and I constantly feel ugly. This has caused me a lot of depression”-
– yes, you are chasing the best feelings in the world, but what you get is a few moments of happiness and a whole lot of discontent and depression.
March this year you wrote: “sometimes I feel like I will never be worth anything until I become beautiful. Then I realize I will never be beautiful to what society wants. I will never have the best body or the most beautiful face in the world”-
– no woman can have “the best body or the most beautiful face in the world” because every woman ages, and there is always someone younger, and there is always a face someone will point to as more beautiful.
Better, Katie, that you find another way to feel that worth that you need to feel.
In April this year, you wrote: “I’m tired of women being judged by their looks”- I concur. Many women (and men) suffer because of not matching the looks of (photoshopped) models and movie stars in media. Many people suffer from comments made about their looks. This is a shame, and each one of us should pay attention to not make degrading comments about others’ looks, to not shame others- or ourselves- for how we look.
Your mother was bullied for her looks. April 2018, you wrote: “I remember sitting in the sun rom almost every evening with my mom as she would sip a glass of wine. This is when she would talk about her life to me.. She would tell stories how she was bullied for her chubbiness…. one of her neighbors came up to her house and asked her to play. So my mom said yes and then she was led to an entire group of boys who then threw rocks at her saying ‘lose some weight'”-
– what a shame, how careful indeed we all need to be, to not throw rocks at people, and hurtful words are rocks that hurt us for decades of life following the rock throwing.
You wrote about that story that your mother told you: “Kids were just super mean”. many years later, most recently, in summer camp, an eight year old told you that you looked like a witch”-
– maybe he meant that you looked mean, not meaning that you looked not beautiful. Maybe you looked angry. And maybe it does have something to do with your hair and clothing, reminding him of an image of a witch in a cartoon or a movie that he watched. I suppose you could ask him what he meant by it so to not continue to assume what he may not have meant at all.
But let’s say he or another kid does make fun of another kid, or an adult, for how they look- the way to respond to that is to take that kid to the side and explain to him kindly that what he said was hurtful, why it was hurtful, and instruct him to apologize to the offended party, maybe to the whole group of children who were present, and to not repeat this behavior. Tell that kid that if someone offends him in that way, to tell you and you will take care of the situation the same way.
When you do that, when you help kids this way, you earn that self worth you need so desperately. When you help a single child, you make the world a better place.
Now, what can be more beautiful than making the world a better place, what can be more beautiful than to sooth a hurting child and to prevent more children from experiencing the same excruciating hurt that your mother (and you) experienced?
July 1, 2019 at 8:34 pm #301715
- This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
I do have a supervisor who helps me. At the summer camp, there is one teacher and two assistant teachers. I am one of the assistant teachers, and the main teacher deals with most of the issues such as discipline. I don’t usually discipline them unless its a very small issue. Otherwise, I get the main teacher involved.
And as for the issue with my looks, I’d say they improved slightly although not enough to make me unbothered by this. I started working out regularly and I am becoming more confident in myself and my looks. I try to think clearly and remember that people have told me I have a nice face. I’m clearly not ugly. I may not be the most beautiful but I’m not ugly at all. I try to remember. I’ve improved but not that much I guess.
His words shouldn’t hurt me. You are right, I should help kids instead of worrying about their hurtful words. And I do for the most part. The part I enjoy most about my job is being a friend to every kid there. I was always super shy so when I see a shy kid, I make sure to include them. I try my hardest to get the shy kids to socialize. And I really feel a sense of self-worth when I can help a kid with their social skills. However, his words hurt me so bad still I don’t know why. There has been research done on female attractiveness, and they call an ugly skull a “witch skull” and a pretty skull an “angel skull.” Beautiful women have angel skulls while ugly women have witch skulls. Angel skulls have an upturned nose, high cheekbones, full lips, and a strong chin. Witch skulls have a downturned nose, small lips, and a weak chin. I think one of the reasons why his words affected me so much is because he literally called the little girl an angel and me a witch. You don’t need to do research to know when a girl looks like an angel, a princess, a mermaid, etc and when a girl looks like a witch or an evil, mean person. An 8-year-old would especially know this, being subjected to Disney princesses and superheroes. I think that’s why it hurts me so bad. I spend a lot of time wondering… “do I have an angel skull or a witch skull?” To me, I would say I am an angel skull.. and I hope that I am. But I don’t know. My fear is that this kid thinks my face looks like a witch. Maybe I’m not an angel skull. I don’t know. I get so anxious thinking about it. I look at pictures of myself and ask myself which skull I have. And I think maybe angel but I don’t know and maybe this kid thinks my nose is ugly and my face is ugly. That’s my fear. I also am sad that he clearly thinks of me as a mean person. My confusion though is that I literally never called this little girl ugly. I called her beautiful! I agreed with him and made that clear… yet he still felt the need to call me a witch? He’s only 8 but when I was 8 I would never say that to someone unless I genuinely believed they looked like an ugly witch. Especially since I was calling her beautiful as she was hitting me in the face (which really hurt too).
I also want to ask him what he meant by it… but I don’t know how. Should I say, “Hey (name), you said I look like a witch yesterday, what did you mean?” or is that weird? I don’t want to be weird to this 8-year-old and act so offended. I don’t want to make this situation weird because I know my offense to the situation probably isn’t normal…