July 1, 2019 at 9:39 am #301605
I work at a summer camp. Most of the kids I work with are 4 years old, but there is one 5-year-old and one 8-year-old. Most of the kids really like me. The girls always want me to play with them and to sit on my lap. The boys seem to equally like me. There is one girl who is 4 years old who really likes me and is always by my side. We were playing with legos and she kept asking me to build stuff for her. First, I built her a wand out of legos but she didn’t like it. So then she asked me to build a house. As I was building her house, the 8-year-old boy came and sat with us. The 4-year-old girl put on a flower crown and the 8-year-old boy told her she looks like an angel. Super sweet. But then she grabbed the house I was building her and starting hit me in the face with it and yelling “rawrrrr.” So as a joke you would tell to a 4-year-old, I said “you’re not an angel you’re scary, silly” because I assumed her reaction to being called an angel was to act like a monster and hit me and yell. But then the 8-year-old got really mad and said “I think she’s mad at you for calling her scary” and then he said “I don’t think she’s scary I think she’s beautiful” and I was like “yes you are so beautiful!” and then he said “you’re scary. You look like a witch” I was taken back and said, “you think I look like a witch? Is it because I am wearing black” and he said “no you always look like one.
I got really offended because I am extremely self-conscious about my looks. I am seeing a therapist about it (it is that bad), but in the meantime, I have a hard time dealing with other people. I avoid people because I don’t want them to think I’m ugly. I was honestly afraid of going to this job because I know kids are known to be “honest”
I don’t know if this kid honestly thinks I look like a witch or if he was trying to defend the 4-year-old. I wasn’t being mean at all to the 4-year-old girl. I was just being playful. She understands that. I know her well and I know she wasn’t upset about it and was laughing that I called her scary. But maybe the 8-year-old didn’t understand that? Either way, I feel really upset because of the possibility that he was trying to say I am ugly.
I feel like 8 years old is old enough to know that calling someone a witch/ugly is mean. I don’t think he would be as honest as a younger kid would be. But I don’t know.
The 8-year-old who said it to me seemed really mature and sweet before this incident. I’m also really nice to everyone so I don’t understand why he would try to hurt my feelings.
I was wearing grey pants and a black shirt, which may have affected why he called me that?
Another main reason why he may have called me that is because my hair is extremely puffy and curly. I wear my hair natural to work and it’s really frizzy and black. Maybe that’s why?
I don’t think he was talking about my face looking like a witch (downturned nose, small lips, etc) because I don’t have those features.
There’s nothing wrong with being a witch or being called one, but this kid seemed to mean it in a bad way. He said I looked scary and like a witch.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not but I just need help. I don’t know if he was calling me ugly. I’m 19 and his words shouldn’t affect me, but they do. I don’t care if somebody is 8 years old or 40 years old, I am afraid of their opinion on my looks. For the record, I don’t think I’m ugly. When I straighten my hair, put makeup on, and dress nicely I believe I am pretty. Even when I am natural (no makeup, curly hair, workout clothes, etc) I don’t think I’m ugly. But I have a great fear that other people do. I’m so scared of what others think ESPECIALLY about my looks because it is something I can’t hide. Please give me your opinion on whether you think this kid genuinely thinks I look scary and like a witch. I need honesty.July 1, 2019 at 11:08 am #301623
Please see to it that you don’t try to punish the boy for what he told you, that you treat all the kids respectfully at all times, and be appropriately assertive with them. I hope you have a competent supervisor on location so that when you don’t know what to say and do in a particular situation, you can get her/ his advice on the matter.
Your focus on your looks has been ongoing for a long time and expressed in your March 2018 thread “I feel ugly”, in your Nov 2018 thread “My cousin tells me I need a nose job”, in your Feb 2019 thread “I just want to be beautiful”, in your March 2019 thread, “I photoshopped a picture of my body on Instagram” and in your current thread.
In February this year you wrote: “In the very rare moments that I am truly happy with my looks and feel beautiful, I feel like the happiest girl in the world. Maybe I am trying to chase this feeling by trying to so hard to be beautiful. Feeling beautiful is one of the best feelings in the world and I constantly feel ugly. This has caused me a lot of depression”-
– yes, you are chasing the best feelings in the world, but what you get is a few moments of happiness and a whole lot of discontent and depression.
March this year you wrote: “sometimes I feel like I will never be worth anything until I become beautiful. Then I realize I will never be beautiful to what society wants. I will never have the best body or the most beautiful face in the world”-
– no woman can have “the best body or the most beautiful face in the world” because every woman ages, and there is always someone younger, and there is always a face someone will point to as more beautiful.
Better, Katie, that you find another way to feel that worth that you need to feel.
In April this year, you wrote: “I’m tired of women being judged by their looks”- I concur. Many women (and men) suffer because of not matching the looks of (photoshopped) models and movie stars in media. Many people suffer from comments made about their looks. This is a shame, and each one of us should pay attention to not make degrading comments about others’ looks, to not shame others- or ourselves- for how we look.
Your mother was bullied for her looks. April 2018, you wrote: “I remember sitting in the sun rom almost every evening with my mom as she would sip a glass of wine. This is when she would talk about her life to me.. She would tell stories how she was bullied for her chubbiness…. one of her neighbors came up to her house and asked her to play. So my mom said yes and then she was led to an entire group of boys who then threw rocks at her saying ‘lose some weight'”-
– what a shame, how careful indeed we all need to be, to not throw rocks at people, and hurtful words are rocks that hurt us for decades of life following the rock throwing.
You wrote about that story that your mother told you: “Kids were just super mean”. many years later, most recently, in summer camp, an eight year old told you that you looked like a witch”-
– maybe he meant that you looked mean, not meaning that you looked not beautiful. Maybe you looked angry. And maybe it does have something to do with your hair and clothing, reminding him of an image of a witch in a cartoon or a movie that he watched. I suppose you could ask him what he meant by it so to not continue to assume what he may not have meant at all.
But let’s say he or another kid does make fun of another kid, or an adult, for how they look- the way to respond to that is to take that kid to the side and explain to him kindly that what he said was hurtful, why it was hurtful, and instruct him to apologize to the offended party, maybe to the whole group of children who were present, and to not repeat this behavior. Tell that kid that if someone offends him in that way, to tell you and you will take care of the situation the same way.
When you do that, when you help kids this way, you earn that self worth you need so desperately. When you help a single child, you make the world a better place.
Now, what can be more beautiful than making the world a better place, what can be more beautiful than to sooth a hurting child and to prevent more children from experiencing the same excruciating hurt that your mother (and you) experienced?
July 1, 2019 at 8:34 pm #301715
- This reply was modified 11 months ago by anita.
I do have a supervisor who helps me. At the summer camp, there is one teacher and two assistant teachers. I am one of the assistant teachers, and the main teacher deals with most of the issues such as discipline. I don’t usually discipline them unless its a very small issue. Otherwise, I get the main teacher involved.
And as for the issue with my looks, I’d say they improved slightly although not enough to make me unbothered by this. I started working out regularly and I am becoming more confident in myself and my looks. I try to think clearly and remember that people have told me I have a nice face. I’m clearly not ugly. I may not be the most beautiful but I’m not ugly at all. I try to remember. I’ve improved but not that much I guess.
His words shouldn’t hurt me. You are right, I should help kids instead of worrying about their hurtful words. And I do for the most part. The part I enjoy most about my job is being a friend to every kid there. I was always super shy so when I see a shy kid, I make sure to include them. I try my hardest to get the shy kids to socialize. And I really feel a sense of self-worth when I can help a kid with their social skills. However, his words hurt me so bad still I don’t know why. There has been research done on female attractiveness, and they call an ugly skull a “witch skull” and a pretty skull an “angel skull.” Beautiful women have angel skulls while ugly women have witch skulls. Angel skulls have an upturned nose, high cheekbones, full lips, and a strong chin. Witch skulls have a downturned nose, small lips, and a weak chin. I think one of the reasons why his words affected me so much is because he literally called the little girl an angel and me a witch. You don’t need to do research to know when a girl looks like an angel, a princess, a mermaid, etc and when a girl looks like a witch or an evil, mean person. An 8-year-old would especially know this, being subjected to Disney princesses and superheroes. I think that’s why it hurts me so bad. I spend a lot of time wondering… “do I have an angel skull or a witch skull?” To me, I would say I am an angel skull.. and I hope that I am. But I don’t know. My fear is that this kid thinks my face looks like a witch. Maybe I’m not an angel skull. I don’t know. I get so anxious thinking about it. I look at pictures of myself and ask myself which skull I have. And I think maybe angel but I don’t know and maybe this kid thinks my nose is ugly and my face is ugly. That’s my fear. I also am sad that he clearly thinks of me as a mean person. My confusion though is that I literally never called this little girl ugly. I called her beautiful! I agreed with him and made that clear… yet he still felt the need to call me a witch? He’s only 8 but when I was 8 I would never say that to someone unless I genuinely believed they looked like an ugly witch. Especially since I was calling her beautiful as she was hitting me in the face (which really hurt too).
I also want to ask him what he meant by it… but I don’t know how. Should I say, “Hey (name), you said I look like a witch yesterday, what did you mean?” or is that weird? I don’t want to be weird to this 8-year-old and act so offended. I don’t want to make this situation weird because I know my offense to the situation probably isn’t normal…July 1, 2019 at 11:28 pm #301729
There is no such thing as an angel skull and a witch skull so you can’t have either. These are just labels someone else has put on what they deem to be beautiful and ugly. The vast majority of people fall somewhere between the two. Welcome to the human race.
You are placing too much emphasis on what this child has said to you. Sometimes, it’s best just to say “Do you think so?” and laugh it off. I wouldn’t raise the issue with him again. It’s really not that important what he thinks about your looks. What is important is how you see yourself. Accept yourself as you are. Beauty comes from within.
With best wishes
PeggyJuly 2, 2019 at 6:10 am #301743
It would have been best to ask the eight year old what he meant by it right then and there, when he said what he said, ask him with curiosity, not with anger or accusation. If he calls you a witch again ask him then, ask him something like: what does a witch look like? Or what about me looks like a witch? If he doesn’t answer, or gives you an answer that is not complete or satisfactory to you, don’t keep asking, don’t interrogate him.
I am glad you work under the authority of a teacher. Maybe you can present this problem to the teacher?
You have been focused on external looks for a long time, and everyone pays attention to looks, pleased by the way some people look, displeased by the way other people look and then, when facing the mirror.. pleased or displeased.
I have a question for you:
If you were to choose a woman to be born to and who would be your mother, which one of the following will you choose:
1) a “witch skull” woman, one with a downward nose, thin lips, weak chin, who will be attentive, loving, respectful, and helpful to you every day for 18 years, so that you will end up a well adjusted, healthy young woman, comfortable with life, looking forward to every day
2) an “angel skull” woman, one with an upturned nose, high cheekbones, full lips and a strong chin will neglect you and/ or abuse you every day for 18 years, so that you end up an anxious, full of doubts, troubled young woman afraid of life?
Notice that if you choose 1 you are likely to have a witch skull yourself, and if you choose 2, you are likely to have an angel skull yourself.
Take your time. I will be waiting for your answer.
July 2, 2019 at 12:59 pm #301833
- This reply was modified 11 months ago by anita.
Hi, let me jump in here without introducing myself because I don’t want to,
The kid calling you ugly probably means he found you ugly.
And you might be what’s called physically unattractive, but does that matter? Nope, not at all. Neither does it matter if you are physically attractive. Physical attraction and physical unattraction are sensations we have here in this reality but I don’t think they matter and I do think you’re overthinking 😛
I think the only thing that is truly ugly is pure evil and everything else people call ugly is because of judgement they’re casting. If you’re being yourself, if you’re trying to be loving, if you’re trying to be conscious, if you’re trying to ask life’s important questions, I think you’re gorgeous. If you’re not, I would say you’re more ugly. But that’s my judgement and therefore it doesn’t matter.
On the subject of his conscience as an 8 year old: I think that kid had a slip-up – I think his ego told him it would be fun to call this girl he saw a witch. But it might actually be a good sign! Cause you might have looked weird to him. And being weird is great. It gives you energy and lets you be yourself. howboutdah.
July 2, 2019 at 1:13 pm #301839
- This reply was modified 8 months, 4 weeks ago by tinybuddha.
On closer inspection, I’m not sure if he meant you were ugly. Either way it doesn’t matter.July 2, 2019 at 1:42 pm #301845
Darnit. I said it wrong. Sorry for the confusion. Please totally disregard my last 2 replies. Here’s my updated version:
Him calling you a witch probably meant he was angry at you. And it could mean he found you ugly too.
And you might be what’s called physically unattractive, but does that matter? Nope, not at all. Neither does it matter if you are physically attractive. Physical attraction and physical unattraction are sensations we have here in this reality but I don’t think they matter and I do think you’re overthinking
What I’m saying is we shouldn’t get attached to the idea of being physically ugly or physically beautiful. Both could get you caught up in your body and that is very limiting. Next to the body we have a spirit and a mind too.
I think the only thing that is truly ugly is pure evil and everything else people call ugly is because of judgement they’re casting. If you’re being yourself, if you’re trying to be loving, if you’re trying to be conscious, if you’re trying to ask life’s important questions, I think you’re gorgeous. If you’re not, I would say you’re more ugly. But that’s my judgement and therefore it doesn’t matter. The only person such judgement would matter to, in a way, is myself. I might for example catch myself wanting to say something mean to someone and be like hey thats pretty ugly, I’m not like that, so I’m either gonna keep my mouth shut or say something nice instead. No hard feelings to myself. Just a loving nudge. I wouldn’t say something like that to someone else unless they’re asking for my advice… I rather mind my own business.
Sorry for kinda going on a tangent there. I like to get carried away.
Passionate and beautifully chaotic is what I’d describe myself as. I don’t do well with structure. lolJuly 2, 2019 at 1:42 pm #301847
my god why is that smiley so big?July 2, 2019 at 2:04 pm #301849
I got really offended because I am extremely self-conscious about my looks.
I’ve always like what the Stoic’s had to say about ‘taking offence’ – An offense is up to your interpretation that requires you to choose… A child calling you ugly says more about them then you… Choosing to be offended on the other hand is all about you.
When people injure you, ask yourself what good or harm they thought would come of it. If you understand that, you’ll feel sympathy rather than outrage or anger. Your sense of good and evil may be the same as theirs, or near it, in which case you have to excuse them. Or your sense of good and evil may differ from theirs. In which case they’re misguided and deserve your compassion. – Marcus Aurelius
My experience, life is much calmer choosing not to be offended. That said its important understand that having healthy boundaries is important and protecting those boundaries and taking offence are not connected. Having healthy boundaries is sitting down with the child that called you ugly and letting him/her know that it was not acceptable. You don’t need to be offended to stand up for yourself.
Also, because this is something you are actively working on (Which by that way you should give yourself a lot of credit for… well done for not only wanting better but working to do better!) The “Universe” is going to give you a lot of opportunity to face your fears. In this case the child calling you ugly could be seen as a opportunity to help you see where you’re at as well as the opportunity to teach them. One day, if you keep working on it, someone will push your buttons, call you names and it won’t have any affect on your sense of self.
July 2, 2019 at 8:36 pm #301877
- This reply was modified 11 months ago by Peter.
It doesn’t mean you were ugly at all! It means you were wearing black with your hair down. I have worked with kids for 20+ years and the things they say often make no sense. Please don’t give this a second thought! I remember when I had a cold sore and a kid told me I had worms on my lips, I think a kid told me I looked like a witch once etc etc. It doesn’t mean the kid doesn’t like you, and it doesn’t mean you’re ugly!July 7, 2019 at 10:52 am #302275
Are you sure? This reply makes me feel so much better but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t know why but my looks are so valuable to me. It’s hard for me to know whether or not I am attractive. Because I’ve had some of the most attractive, popular guys in my school choose me out of a sea of girls to choose from. At the same time, my cousin tells me I need a nose job. It’s hard for me to know. So little comments like this KILL me inside. I thought maybe he called me a witch because my hair is dark brown (almost black) and curly. And that day I brushed it, making it look big and puffy. It was also extremely humid that day and my hair became frizzy.
My only fear is that he meant my nose is ugly. For real, my biggest insecurity is my nose. I don’t care if he said I looked like a witch because I looked “mean” or “angry.” I don’t care if I looked like one because of my frizzy hair or black shirt. I ONLY care if he was talking about my nose. Which I think my nose is fine but my cousin tells me it’s not… so I have fear that she is right and other people see something about my nose that I don’t see. Sorry if I’m getting off topic, but I put my nose into multiple golden ratio masks (multiple front facing masks, a couple side profile masks) and each time my nose FITS. It’s a fact that nobody fits perfectly, but my nose is pretty close. So why did my cousin say this??? Am I missing something about my nose? Did this kid see my nose and think it looks downturned and witchy?July 7, 2019 at 10:54 am #302277
Thank you for that. This journey of accepting myself has been to hard and painful that it seems like I will never be happy with myself. But I can’t just choose to not be offended. I just can’t. Also, if I did sit down with the kid and “discipline” him, do you think I could do it? I’m not experienced in discipline and I’m afraid it will cause problemsJuly 7, 2019 at 10:58 am #302279
thank you for that and I think that helped in a way. But I don’t think I will ever be able to truly believe that looks don’t matter. You can be the most kind, generous, and loving person but nobody will care if your looks don’t match. I’ve never been called ugly in my life. I mean to my face at least, the only time I can remember someone calling me ugly is my old friend who was really bitter and was jealous that the guy she liked had a crush on me instead. But she said it as if it was a fact. And my cousin tells me I’m above average in looks all the time yet she also says I need a nose job, so maybe she’s lying. Maybe everyone is lying to me, I don’t know. Kids are known to be honest so that’s why it really made me worried. Some say kids are the most honest people, others say kids simply say nonsense. I don’t know when people aren’t lying to me.
July 7, 2019 at 11:07 am #302287
- This reply was modified 11 months ago by Katie.
Also, to anyone in this thread:
Before I worked at this summer camp, I literally had a fear that a kid would say I looked like a witch. I thought, “I’m going to be working at a summer camp with a bunch of kids who have no filter. My hair is black and puffy and frizzy. Someone’s going to say it I know it” and low and behold, someone did. But I thought they would say it because of my hair. If my hair was straightened and silky/shiny, I probably wouldn’t have this fear. I also put my hair up for the first 2 weeks that I worked there because I was worried that some kid would point out my ugly hair.
I remember my cousin and I thought our great aunt looked like a witch. She was skinny, pale, and had hair similar to mine but darker.
I’d say I’m in shape, I am pale but also have a natural tan because I am Latina. So it must be the hair right? My great aunt didn’t even have an ugly nose so that gives me hope.
- This reply was modified 11 months ago by Katie.