Dear Katie:

Please see to it that you don’t try to punish the boy for what he told you, that you treat all the kids respectfully at all times, and be appropriately assertive with them. I hope you have a competent supervisor on location so that when you don’t know what to say and do in a particular situation, you can get her/ his advice on the matter.

Your focus on your looks has been ongoing for a long time and expressed in your March 2018 thread “I feel ugly”, in your Nov 2018 thread “My cousin tells me I need a nose job”, in your Feb 2019 thread “I just want to be beautiful”, in your March 2019 thread, “I photoshopped a picture of my body on Instagram” and in your current thread.

In February this year you wrote: “In the very rare moments that I am truly happy with my looks and feel beautiful, I feel like the happiest girl in the world. Maybe I am trying to chase this feeling by trying to so hard to be beautiful. Feeling beautiful is one of the best feelings in the world and I constantly feel ugly. This has caused me a lot of depression”-

– yes, you are chasing the best feelings in the world, but what you get is a few moments of happiness and a whole lot of discontent and depression.

March this year you wrote: “sometimes I feel like I will never be worth anything until I become beautiful. Then I realize I will never be beautiful to what society wants. I will never have the best body or the most beautiful face in the world”-

– no woman can have “the best body or the most beautiful face in the world” because every woman ages, and there is always someone younger, and there is always a face someone will point to as more beautiful.

Better, Katie, that you find another way to feel that worth that you need to feel.

In April this year, you wrote: “I’m tired of women being judged by their looks”- I concur. Many women (and men) suffer because of not matching the looks of (photoshopped) models and movie stars in  media. Many people suffer from comments made about their looks. This is a shame, and each one of us should pay attention to not make degrading comments about others’ looks, to not shame others- or ourselves- for how we look.

Your mother was bullied for her looks. April 2018, you wrote: “I remember sitting in the sun rom almost every evening with my mom as she would sip a glass of wine. This is when she would talk about her life to me.. She would tell stories how she was bullied for her chubbiness…. one of her neighbors came up to her house and asked her to play. So my mom said yes and then she was led to an entire group of boys who then threw rocks at her saying ‘lose some weight'”-

– what a shame, how careful indeed we all  need to be, to not throw rocks at people, and hurtful words are rocks that hurt us for decades of life following the rock throwing.

You wrote about that story that your mother told you: “Kids were just super mean”. many years later, most recently, in summer camp, an eight year old told you that you looked like a witch”-

– maybe he meant that you looked mean, not meaning that you looked not beautiful. Maybe you looked angry. And maybe it does have something to do with your hair and clothing, reminding him of an image of a witch in a cartoon or a movie that he watched. I suppose you could ask him what he meant by it so to not continue to assume what he may not have meant at all.

But let’s say he or another kid does make fun of another kid, or an adult, for how they look- the way to respond to that is to take that kid to the side and explain to him kindly that what he said was hurtful, why it was hurtful, and instruct him to apologize to the offended party, maybe to the whole group of children who were present, and to not repeat this behavior. Tell that kid that if someone offends him in that way, to tell you and you will take care of the situation the same way.

When you do that, when you help kids this way, you earn that self worth you need so desperately. When you help a single child, you make the world a better place.

Now, what can be more beautiful than making the world a better place, what can be more beautiful than to sooth a hurting child and to prevent more children from experiencing the same excruciating hurt that your mother (and you) experienced?

anita

Hi Katie,

There is no such thing as an angel skull and a witch skull so you can’t have either.  These are just labels someone else has put on what they deem to be beautiful and ugly.  The vast majority of people fall somewhere between the two.  Welcome to the human race.

You are placing too much emphasis on what this child has said to you.  Sometimes, it’s best just to say “Do you think so?” and laugh it off.  I wouldn’t raise the issue with him again.  It’s really not that important what he thinks about your looks.  What is important is how you see yourself.  Accept yourself as you are.  Beauty comes from within.

With best wishes

Peggy

Hi, let me jump in here without introducing myself because I don’t want to,

The kid calling you ugly probably means he found you ugly.
And you might be what’s called physically unattractive, but does that matter? Nope, not at all. Neither does it matter if you are physically attractive. Physical attraction and physical unattraction are sensations we have here in this reality but I don’t think they matter and I do think you’re overthinking 😛

I think the only thing that is truly ugly is pure evil and everything else people call ugly is because of judgement they’re casting. If you’re being yourself, if you’re trying to be loving, if you’re trying to be conscious, if you’re trying to ask life’s important questions, I think you’re gorgeous. If you’re not, I would say you’re more ugly. But that’s my judgement and therefore it doesn’t matter.

On the subject of his conscience as an 8 year old:  I think that kid had a slip-up – I think his ego told him it would be fun to call this girl he saw a witch. But it might actually be a good sign! Cause you might have looked weird to him. And being weird is great. It gives you energy and lets you be yourself. howboutdah.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.

Darnit. I said it wrong. Sorry for the confusion. Please totally disregard my last 2 replies. Here’s my updated version:

Him calling you a witch probably meant he was angry at you. And it could mean he found you ugly too.
And you might be what’s called physically unattractive, but does that matter? Nope, not at all. Neither does it matter if you are physically attractive. Physical attraction and physical unattraction are sensations we have here in this reality but I don’t think they matter and I do think you’re overthinking
What I’m saying is we shouldn’t get attached to the idea of being physically ugly or physically beautiful. Both could get you caught up in your body and that is very limiting. Next to the body we have a spirit and a mind too.

I think the only thing that is truly ugly is pure evil and everything else people call ugly is because of judgement they’re casting. If you’re being yourself, if you’re trying to be loving, if you’re trying to be conscious, if you’re trying to ask life’s important questions, I think you’re gorgeous. If you’re not, I would say you’re more ugly. But that’s my judgement and therefore it doesn’t matter. The only person such judgement would matter to, in a way, is myself. I might for example catch myself wanting to say something mean to someone and be like hey thats pretty ugly, I’m not like that, so I’m either gonna keep my mouth shut or say something nice instead. No hard feelings to myself. Just a loving nudge. I wouldn’t say something like that to someone else unless they’re asking for my advice… I rather mind my own business.

Sorry for kinda going on a tangent there. I like to get carried away.
Passionate and beautifully chaotic is what I’d describe myself as. I don’t do well with structure. lol

I got really offended because I am extremely self-conscious about my looks.

I’ve always like what the Stoic’s had to say about ‘taking offence’ – An offense is up to your interpretation that requires you to choose…  A child calling you ugly says more about them then you… Choosing to be offended on the other hand is all about you.

When people injure you, ask yourself what good or harm they thought would come of it. If you understand that, you’ll feel sympathy rather than outrage or anger. Your sense of good and evil may be the same as theirs, or near it, in which case you have to excuse them. Or your sense of good and evil may differ from theirs. In which case they’re misguided and deserve your compassion. – Marcus Aurelius

My experience, life is much calmer choosing not to be offended. That said its important understand that having healthy boundaries is important and protecting those boundaries and taking offence are not connected.  Having healthy boundaries is sitting down with the child that called you ugly and letting him/her know that it was not acceptable. You don’t need to be offended to stand up for yourself.

Also, because this is something you are actively working on (Which by that way you should give yourself a lot of credit for… well done for not only wanting better but working to do better!) The “Universe” is going to give you a lot of opportunity to face your fears. In this case the child calling you ugly could be seen as a opportunity to help you see where you’re at as well as the opportunity to teach them. One day, if you keep working on it, someone will push your buttons, call you names and it won’t have any affect on your sense of self.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Peter.

Hell0 Katie. I relate to your story a great deal. I have frequently struggled with anxiety over my looks since I was a teenager and I am also a teacher. Therefore, I can relate to what you have said about the emotional pain of worrying that you’re ugly, as well as the pain of having students make unkind comments that seem to confirm your insecurities.

There are several physical aspects of myself that worry me, but the one students have commented on is the weight I carry around my middle. It always seems to go there, even though I work out and was an athlete in high school. Even at my lowest weight, I still did not have the same flat stomach other girls did. My father also carries his weight around his middle like I do, so I think it’s genetic, but no one assumes he is pregnant! Several students have asked me about it, and it hurts every time. I have taught both younger kids and high schoolers. One younger child mentioned it, and two high school students mentioned it.

It hurts every time. It is only with the most recent student, after several years experience of teaching, that I was able to calmly set boundaries with the student and explain why the behavior was disrespectful. With the past students, I just pretended it didn’t hurt me until class was over and I could go cry somewhere.

A lot of your post seems to be about whether your student was being honest about your looks and telling you a hard truth that others are hiding from you. I suppose it was true that my students were pointing out a true thing about me…my stomach is not flat. However, all of those students had other motives when addressing me. Even the youngest one. The young one’s mom had just had a baby and he was probably showing off his new knowledge about pregnancy and how it works. One of the high schoolers was trying to get a laugh from his friends. The other high schooler was super angry that I had called his mom about disciplinary issues recently. People usually have a separate motive when they comment on our appearance. To me, it sounds like the boy in your case was trying on the role of being a knight in shining armor for this little girl. He seized an opportunity to be her defender because that’s what kids do–they push boundaries and try out new behaviors. Especially eight year olds. I found second grade super difficult to teach because developmentally, the kids are trying out pushing boundaries. That means they exaggerate and are actually not the most honest beings you will ever come across. Because as I said before…my stomach is not flat. But most people know I am not pregnant. It is not as big as those kids were suggesting. They had other motives behind their words, which caused them exaggerate something about me they had noticed.

Keep in mind this is a common problem for teachers. My friend (who is tall and thin–qualities I wish I had!) had a student ask her about her acne. Her skin looked smooth. I don’t know what acne this student was talking about. When I was a high schooler, a rumor started that our English teacher used cocaine because sometimes her nose and neck appeared flushed when she was teaching. This was a young, attractive woman! She in no way looked or acted like an addict.

Also, our society sends a message that ugly women are worthless and will die alone. I think that’s why a woman’s beauty can cause her so much anxiety. I am married to a wonderful husband who finds me attractive (the other two teachers I mentioned are married, too), but I still worry what the rest of society thinks of me. Something that has comforted me is this:

What is beauty? What does it mean? Do all of your features have to be perfect to be beautiful? Does every single person on earth have to be sexually attracted to you to be beautiful? What does ugly mean? Ugly is an imprecise word. Will every single person find an “ugly” person unattractive? Is an “ugly” person allowed to have any attractive traits? What about someone who is 20 pounds overweight. Some people will find her unattractive, some people will love her curves, some people will feel neutral. Attractiveness is complex. Imprecise all-or-nothing labels of “beautiful” or “ugly” are unhelpful. Yes, there are certain traits our society considers attractive, but this varies across cultures and by individuals. You know how some people have a “type”? That means that person feels attracted to a very specific set of traits. That shows how useless it is to say someone is beautiful and someone else is ugly. We all have different opinions about appearances.

I think it is usually super unkind people who have ulterior motives who say things like, “You’re fat,” or “you’re ugly” or “you need to wear make-up…” or whatever insecurity they have taken it upon themselves to comment on. Children comment on appearance for some of the reasons I mentioned above (testing boundaries, getting a reaction, trying on a role, etc). Adults comment on it to attack a person’s self-worth or express their own insecurities. Either way, it’s not in your best interest. Our physical bodies are our business. Some people will find us attractive, others won’t. We can use our bodies to express ourselves the way we want. For example, I have discovered a “posh” look fits me best when I have the time and supplies to do it right. But others trying to make us feel insecure about an individual trait of ours?

It’s an unhelpful boundary violation. I know it is super upsetting when it happens, so we need to do some nurturing and self-care. But please don’t take these kinds of comments as a secret truth that you need to pay attention to. It seems like these unhelpful, boundary-violating comments hurt you and distract you from other parts of your life.