Hello Everyone,

This is my first time posting and the post will be rather long. Thanks for your patience and help.

My DH and I have been married for 10 years now. We are of different ethnic backgrounds and over at least the last half decade I have grown increasingly resentful of him as time passes. I have been telling him constantly that I am approaching my wits end, that I want… no… I need things to change, but nothing’s changed. Thus, I want the perspective of individuals from a diverse background mostly to see what I am doing to exasperate the situation or to find a solution. Bear in mind that this is from my perspective and not his…

Before we got married things were great. We had fun, the world was ours. After we got married, things started to fall apart. It was a bunch of small things that accumulated over the years. My primary concerns are his “white lies”, his inability to keep his word and the way he handled situations in the past.

For example, he tells people what they want to hear which makes him appear charismatic and amiable when you first meet him. He’ll tell me that he did something but in reality he didn’t and even when caught red handed he will stick by his story. He’ll make promises and rarely follows through – there’s always an excuse and no accountability.

Regarding the way he handled situations in the past. His best friend was laid off and needed a place to stay. We looked at each other and I told him that it’s his best friend so our home will always be open to him. I’ll support his decision. His friend ended up moving into our living room. For simplicity we’ll call him Joe. There were already 5 of us living in a 2bedroom apartment so within 6 months we purchased a home and Joe lived in the basement.  Joe paid rent and all was good until the day I went downstairs to do the laundry and he pulled up my shirt and grabbed my boobs. I immediately ran upstairs to and told DH who then asked me what I wanted to do about it. I told him that we needed the rent and that Joe should stay so he did… for months. I was sneaking in and out of the house and cooped up in my room to avoid Joe. Eventually I had enough and asked DH to do something about it. DH called Joe upstairs and asked him if what I said was true. Joe denied it all, said that DH knew him better than that and he wouldn’t do something like that. DH turns to me and asks if I have anything to say. I had it so I was screaming at Joe so loud that the neighbors probably heard. When I said my piece, DH told Joe that he things he should leave, now. That was then end of it.

Looking back I feel hurt, maybe even betrayed. It was my decision to keep Joe there but why did DH react that way? Why wasn’t he angry? Why wasn’t he trying to protect me? Why?

He gets laid off about 17 months later. I told him that he has my support that he should take this time to reflect on what he wants. He kept turning jobs down saying that they weren’t paying enough but he didn’t have the credentials to get more than an entry job in his field at the time. Nonetheless, I left it to him. I continued to work and support the family. I asked him to ensure that the homework was done with the kids and that they were fed before I get home because I get home really late and would only be able to put them to bed. He did some but everything fell through the cracks. He would lie to me about getting things done when everyone caught him sitting on his computer playing video games and sleeping in until minutes before I came home. There was always an excuse. It was never his fault. This lasted for 4 months.

We end up moving to a different province to open a family business. We agreed that I would keep my job for stability and I committed to help him with bookkeeping. He was supposed to have all the paperwork in order for when we got there. It wasn’t done. so I ended up doing it all including finding us a place to live and getting all the utilities set up. As the business progressed and my family got to know him more and more, they respected him less and less until now no one wants to work with him.

I lost all respect for him and I was mean. I didn’t filter my thoughts, I had no patience, every time I looked at him I was appalled. Every time we talked I would explain how I felt, what I needed, we put together a plan that he’d agree to then nothing is done. Every. single. time.

Then my sister dies and I had to go back home to plan her funeral. There many things I couldn’t tell him on the phone and I asked that he trusted me that I needed to take care of things. I come back to him talking behind my back, texting back and forth with his female friend about how they should have gotten married and how they missed each other. I shared with him how I felt and asked him to put himself in my shoes; he scoffed at me. Then came back and apologized.

I suggested we meet with a marriage counsellor, he said yes. It never happened. Until I just booked it and told him we were going. He made commitments to the marriage counsellor and nothing improved.

He’s a great playmate for the kids, but I don’t want them taking after him. He’s great at explaining things to them and taking them out for adventures. He does wake up in the morning to make them lunch. I am confident that he is doing the best that he is capable of doing.

I don’t think I want a divorce because I do still care for him like I do a family member. I am not attracted to him and just looking at him annoys me. Things that he does that if someone else were to do it wouldn’t annoy me as much.

I also made a vow to him on our marriage day and I am trying to keep it. I’ve slipped multiple times by mistreating him with my anger and resentment. I think it’s better to separate. I’ll continue to support him and if he agrees we share the cost of running the household. But I’m going through a rollercoaster of guilt, resentment, fatigue and more.

What are your thoughts?