Dear Em:

What you described is not an Ethnic issue but a Dishonesty issue: he is not an honest man: he lies, doesn’t keep his promises, flirts with another woman. I am not surprised you are no longer attracted to him and that you are angry at him, these are the natural consequences of his lying, not keeping his promises and so forth.

What does a woman in your situation do with that anger(Can’t not feel angry in this situation, as far as I can see)?

anita

Dear Em:

You asked for the reader’s thoughts. I have more thoughts:

It is difficult and distressing to be physically intimate with a man you are appalled by, angry at, so I wouldn’t.

Reads like his dishonesty does not bother him, he is not conflicted or distressed by it, so he is not motivated to change. Without distress, no motivation, so a change is very unlikely.

Anger cannot and will not be ignored. It has to express itself somehow as yours already has. The children are likely to pick on it, as well as on your guilt for expressing your anger.

It is not always better for parents to stay together for the sake of the children, not when they fight, not when anger is felt in the household, tensions, guilt, distress.

anita

Dear Em:

Conflicted about whether to continue to live as is or separate, is that the conflict, specifically?

If it is, you can list the pros and cons for staying as-is and the pros and cons for separating, is you’d like, and I will give you my input, my perspective.

Or, are you still hoping for a change in the relationship?

anita

Dear Em:

I will read and reply to your recent post (and anything you might want to add to it) in an hour or two.

anita

Em,

You said you don’t want a divorce because you care for him like a family member.  That may be true but he is someone you don’t want as a husband which is different from being a family member.  Your pet dog is a family member.  Your Uncle Bob is a family member.  You still care for family members without being married to him or living with him.

My view to your statement of making a vow to your husband is that a marriage vow is a commitment not a prison sentence.  Nothing is forever for life changes, people change.  It’s a contract that can be renegotiated in my opinion because of what changes.  I think that the Buddhist view is that everything is temporary, i.e. “impermanence” and attachment is the cause of suffering.

You listed Cons on why you don’t want to divorce him.  One is that he’ll be really hurt.  First and foremost you are not responsible for his feelings.  Second you are worried what might be, i.e. that there will be bitter feelings.  You mean him having bitter feelings, not you?  Again that is his responsibility on how he views that and how he handles it.  He has played a big part in the reason why you want a divorce. Your third reason on why he might ignore the terms of the divorce is another “what if” scenario.  That reason is why you have a divorce lawyer.

I work on living my life from love rather than fear.  Your Cons are from fear.  Your Pros are out of love for yourself.

Good luck,
Mark

Em,

I know from my divorce that my children came out better.  They even told me that did not see me and their mother as compatible.  I have set an example of taking care of myself, being happier and being able to walk away that was not healthy for me.  I hope I showed them that it is not good to stay in a relationship that does not make sense so they can learn and apply that for their relationships.

I believe there are different kinds of love.  We can love humanity unconditionally.  I believe we should love people conditionally else we let ourselves be victims or allow to be stepped on without assigning responsibility to the other.  I also believe I can love someone from afar where I don’t have to be in relationship with them.

I wish you a gentle exit and a future of healthy and mutual loving partner relationship Em.

Mark