Hi Manon,

You have a husband and children that you love.  Your husband is not accountable for his sister’s spiteful behavior.  She has pulled this stunt twice – ask your husband if he will still excuse her after the third time.  Has he spoken to his sister on this subject?  Has he told her how upset you are?  He probably just wants to keep the peace.

This behavior comes from jealousy.  Shrink it down to size and don’t let it bother you so much.  Display your own photos of your much loved children, yourself and your husband.  There is no reason for anyone to think that you should divorce your husband over this – it’s far too trivial.  See it as it is – someone being trivial/jealous/spiteful towards you and your family.

Peggy

Hi Manon,

A different perspective, perhaps a way in to why you can’t let this go, when you can’t stop letting your SIL have this piece of power over you when you don’t need to let her do so.  I understand it’s frustrating your husband won’t agree with you and you probably feel let down that he’s “picked her over you” on this one thing. You can’t understand why he doesn’t see them the way you can.

But it’s not really about taking sides.  I suspect given your own family, you were eager to find another family who loved you and when it started so well, had high hopes. When these incidents occurred, it would not be very surprising if they triggered all the same old feelings of betrayal and not belonging to your own family – and now also this ‘new’ family are rejecting you, not including you.

Like others have said, it does seem a bit of a pathetic power play by the SIL who wants to be in charge, come what may. But if it wasn’t a trigger point for you because of your own history, you’d be much more likely to see it the same way – and it wouldn’t bother you so much as it does.

You have your own healthy and happy family now, your husband and kids. That’s huge, awesome and wonderful given your struggles. Try not to punish your husband for not seeing what you can see, perhaps try and explain your own perspective too. Then accept it is isn’t going to be the bigger loving family you wanted and that’s ok – you already have what you want and need in your own family.

Hi Manon,

Thank you for your kind words.  Jealousy is irrational and comes from insecurity.  Name calling is never clever when it is aimed at a child.  It is always hurtful.  Forgive your husband for not standing up for you on this issue – he just becomes that child again when he’s with the family.

Much Love

Peggy

Dear Manon:

I like this: “Heads would roll if I ever heard any of them or ANY one for that matter insult my husband. I am very protective of those I love”- he is a lucky man and so is every person that you love.

Regarding your husband and how he was/ is treated by his family, you wrote: “My  husband has a PhD. He is an extremely intelligent person… we get along so well, except for this one issue. He will never acknowledge that his sister is being spiteful with the photos… He never wants to make waves. With anyone but with me evidently… My husband has always been the passive peace- keeper… his family treated him with complete disregard for most of his life. His brothers were ‘geniuses’.. They used t call him ‘Fat Al’ when he was a chubby kid and teenager… Hence the cognitive dissonance between us. He doesn’t have that protective instinct”.

My thoughts this morning: your husband, as a child, very much had a “protective instinct”. There was spite in his home, between his parents, between parents and siblings. So protectively, he closed his eyes to the spite and removed it from his awareness.  This closing of the eyes is the “cognitive dissonance” you mentioned.

As a child he had to survive his home (as do so many of us, including you).  It is very threatening for a child to be aware that his parents or siblings (uninterrupted by parents) intend to hurt him,  out of spite. So he closed his eyes to their spite. Fast forward, he still does.

It is this protective instinct in childhood that leads to many intelligent and even very intelligent, accomplished adults to be blind so to speak to what is so obvious to others.

anita