Hi everyone,

Two years ago I posted a tiny message on life choices, in which I had some very wise answers that I read avidly.

Today, I am asking for some advice on a family situation which I have no control upon. As it is taking its toll on me and the rest of my family emotionally and financially, I thought that maybe some shared past experiences or advice could help me see with a bit more light onto what’s going on.

To be brief, I am a 24-year-old final year masters’ student in politics and my older sister is working as a language teacher in Asia, we both financially support ourselves and when we can, we help our mother as she has heavy back issues which means she cannot work anymore and has thus very little income.

The problem is my brother, a 20-year-old twat. Since he was 16-year-old he has made life tedious for all of us (me, my sister and my mother) Me and my sister were lucky to go into private schools which had a very good educational system back in France while my brother went to the shittiest public school possible during secondary school. I know for a fact that it was very very difficult for my mother to push my brother to keep going to high school (before university) from the age of 16 until 18, as he often skipped classes, lied and didn’t care the slightest to study.

He was asked by teachers to retake each year in high school, yet through my mother’s pushing (going to the school and promising to the teachers she is watching her sons’ steps, while borrowing money to make him go to private tutoring classes that prepare for final exams) he didn’t and finally ended up earning his diploma, he decided (with loads of ”help” from my mother and myself as he did not know what he wanted to do, said maybe I will go to university, as a ‘why not option’ yet didn’t make a single effort to do anything.

One thing that is important: my brother, since he is 15, has stopped doing anything by himself expect than for playing football, thus during adolescence we did everything for him, meaning I wrote his cover letter, student loans letter and made his C.V. for university and part-time jobs, etc, which I know is the worst thing to do to actually help someone learn do things by himself but I will explain later why I did this if you are still reading this.

So after secondary school, he flies to England and starts his first year studying Football & Business studies, which he failed completely as he didn’t go to classes and would lie to us for an entire year. Then at the end of the academic year after lots of tensions and fights when he came back home he says he might want to go back to university to start all over again. However no university wants him due to his poor previous university results. So again me and my mother check all admissions processes, do the applications etc as its a whole vicious circle, he says I will do it if it’s for any task but doesn’t in the end and the deadline is gone that’s always what happened so in the end we do it (my sister stopped helping him since he stole money from her twice the day before leaving for his first year of university). We find another university ready to take him for another first year, yet I find out in the middle of the year that he did exactly the same than during his first year, i.e. not going to classes and not giving a single fuck.

I know for sure that is it not a solution to keep on helping him and do things for him, but from my mother’s perspective if you are a single mother with three kids and you’re poor living in an area where kids his age finish either in prison or selling drugs (not all of them but some of his friends) you are scared to kick him out of the house in case he starts doing proper bad things that could jeopardize his future, and at 17-18-19-20-21-year-old you are often an arse so you don’t realize what suffering you may cause. There are many other reasons why my mother doesn’t want to kick him out. After failing to go to university for another second year, he registered for another year in another university and another completely different course (Economics) yet again since the start of the academic year he did not search for an accommodation nor for a job etc etc the list is endless. and I found myself into some crazy situations where I would hate him and not want to help him at all for a day, but then then my mother would call crying he did this and that and that she was so tired and I would hate myself and help him look for a flat/job etc. The worst in this is that even if I found him rooms to visits etc, he doesn’t make the effort to visit the rooms, do the applications for bursaries etc. The more I am writing the more I realised that it will never ever be a solution to do things for him but I feel like my mum is always thinking she’d rather help him to get out of the house asap if that involves doing the room visits yourself, or application for unis etc. What she does not understand is that by doing that he still doesn’t do shit and is still at home, going from time to time to university yet I am sure he will fail this year again as he doesn’t seem very much involved as usual.

If a big slap in the face is needed such as him getting kicked of the house for real, I know my mother has tried gently but he says she will have to call the police to kick him out. Me and my sister are abroad so we cannot do much, and there is no male presence that could physically kick him out that we know of. As we live in social housing, my mother does not want any problems with the guardian who reports any troubles going on in these social housings and kicks out the people making trouble. So tensions are high some days, and some other days it’s getting better as things get quieter so my mother gives him the car keys or is quite nice to him.

Right now my mother is visiting me for a few days and I don’t know what to think as when she’s got financial problems due to my brothers’ financial dependence I feel guilty and even so I try to help sending money from my study bursary or part-time job that I have. I know I hate doing that as it’s because of my brother’s years of not doing nothing that still makes us struggle makes ends meet instead of finally trying to have a normal life. Yet I cannot say no for helping my mother when she complains the lack of this and that as I feel guilty because I know she is just trying to do her best to help her last son being independent and having a decent life.

Anyway I know is post is like supra-extra-mega long and I wonder if anyone will read it, but I have no idea what should I do. It is very exhausting to worry about that and hear my mother crying or being so anxious about my brother and now I don’t know really, any help would be appreciated,

Thanks for reading

M