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20-year-old brother who does not do anything, help?

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • January 3, 2018 at 9:14 am #184875
    Samantha
    Participant

    I know this is a super long post and I literally have purged all my feelings in this post, maybe I should have waited before writing all of that but just to give you an idea on how to handle situations where it seems there is no solution?

     

    Many many thanks and much respect to anyone who had given time and support on this website !

    January 3, 2018 at 9:42 am #184877
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Samantha:

    I re-read your previous thread as well as this one. Reads to me that you chose to stay in London. Regarding your brother: he was not born being who he is now. And he was not formed in a vacuum. He was formed (Formative Years they are called, those childhood years) in the context of his family: your single mother as the major influence and his two sisters.

    This is what I understand about your mother: she attended a poor secondary school, felt and feels that she had little to no opportunities to better her life. While you studied in London, she stayed with you repeatedly, so to find opportunities in London to better her life. Her efforts failed.

    She worked hard to offer you and your siblings better opportunities, send you all to private schools and a higher education that will lead to you having better lives, and perhaps, being motivated by the three of you helping her, in turn, have a better life.

    Your sister and you are already helping your mother financially. Your brother doesn’t seem to be motivated to help her financially, unlike you and your sister. Not only that, seems like he doesn’t mind that she spends money on him without it yielding any fruit for her.

    Why, I wonder, the difference.

    Do you have any idea, why he is not motivated by the same motivation as you are, as well as your sister?

    anita

    January 3, 2018 at 10:17 am #184879
    Samantha
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks loads for your answer. So fortunately in the end I moved to Belgium to do my masters and actually the message you sent along with the others helped me a lot in making my decision and being clear about it ! I thank you for that!

    I will answer a bit later on that but to be honest I don’t really know why he is not really up to doing things, its very hard to communicate with him properly

     

    Thanks very much for your thoughts on that, hoping you have a beautiful 2018 year ahead of you 🙂

    January 3, 2018 at 10:38 am #184881
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Samantha:

    You are welcome and thank you for the good wishes. Figuring your brother’s motivation, what drives him, and what doesn’t, can be helpful to you. If you want me to help you come up with a good possibility or two regarding his motivation, you can share about him more, here on your thread: any memories of his behavior as a young child, an older child… his struggles, social life then and current, his attitude toward your mother, toward you… toward others in his life. Any contact he had or has with his father. Does he admire someone, someone he knows or not, and what does he admire about such person or people.

    anita

    January 4, 2018 at 5:40 am #184975
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Samantha,

    Here’s a dirty little secret: Not everyone is meant to go to college (!)

    Clearly, college/university is not for him. They don’t want him. He doesn’t want it.

    But then people think on the other spectrum is jail/homelessness/death.

    My Real World Practical Suggestion for him is: The Military. He can’t sleep in. He will get yelled at. He will get the dominant male presences he so desperately needs. He will be paid. He will suffer Consequences. And he will (eventually) come home a real man, and motivated.

    Then there is trade schools and simply working in a shop.

    College AGE (18-22) is the time to study, travel, explore, and live his dreams. Right now he is living the dream: that of his mother and sisters worrying about him and taking care of him.

    At the age of 23 I would stop enabling him and would frankly work on your mother more than on him. He will be too old for the local gangs and will probably become homeless or get an enabling girlfriend.

    But my instincts are saying: The Military.

    Best,

    Inky

    January 22, 2018 at 12:39 pm #188153
    Mark
    Participant

    Samantha,

    There is a reason why the phrase “tough love” and the word “enabling” exist.

    There is the fear of “what if” if you or your mother don’t do things for your brother but can you really predict if that is really the best for him?  Making decisions out of fear is not the best approach in making the best decisions.

    You cannot control your mother and my guess is that she would rather enable his irresponsible behavior than kick him out.

    It is painful to stand by and witness your mum doing things that are not good for her financially (and emotionally).  I am highly doubtful that you can influence any change with her or your brother.

    No real useful advice here.  I believe that the only person I can control is oneself.

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