Tiny Buddha

Tag: self-care

  • How I Stopped Trying to Please Everyone and Started Prioritizing Myself

    How I Stopped Trying to Please Everyone and Started Prioritizing Myself

    “When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you don’t say ‘no’ to yourself.” ~Paolo Coehlo

    My whole body was shaking. Tears streaming down my face, my nose blocked and throat sore from crying. Yet, no sound escaped my mouth except an occasional gentle sigh or hushed sob I was unable to control.

    My husband was lying in bed next to me. I held my breath and lay motionless whenever he stirred in his sleep.

    He had an early start ahead and needed rest. I didn’t want to disturb him, bother him with my silly crying fits. I didn’t want him to know that I was unhappy.

    He wouldn’t understand, I didn’t even understand myself. I had a good life. A loving family, caring friends, a promising career I enjoyed.

    I should have been happy, fulfilled, and grateful for the blessings in my life. But instead I felt numb, empty, and lifeless, as if a grey veil was covering every part of my being. And the crushing wave of desperation washed over me night after night.

    Because the nighttime tears were my only release. I drowned in overwhelm, stress, and exhaustion. I was so tired.

    Drained and worn out by the myriad of tasks every new day had in store. Weighed down by tons of work projects, household chores, family demands, and favors. Broken from being kind, loyal, considerate, caring, and hardworking for others, non-stop.

    I never had time to rest and relax. I couldn’t even remember when I last read a novel, walked on the beach, or followed my passions. And I had pushed my dreams to the back burner so many times that they lost all their pull and sparkle.

    I was trapped in an endless loop of “work, eat, cry, sleep,” and I couldn’t escape. Too many people relied on me, depended on my help, and counted on my support.

    I couldn’t let them down. They would be upset, displeased, maybe even angry. And they would be disappointed if they discovered the truth: that I wasn’t strong enough to cope with it all, that I was a failure.

    That night, as I secretly cried in my pillow, I realized that I was on the fast lane to burnout. I couldn’t go on like this without killing myself. And I knew something had to change.

    The Impossible Task of Relaxation

    In the following days, I attempted to take time out for myself—do things I enjoyed, pursue my hobbies, have a well-deserved nap. But my diary was too full, bursting with appointments, events, and meetings.

    My boss expected me to take on yet another project, my work colleagues asked for support with their problems, my friends needed help with wedding preparations, house moves, and childcare. My charity volunteering position as a treasurer of a local cat shelter demanded constant attention, and the household suffered in silence even without me taking a break.

    And how could I not put my family first in everything I did? I was their wife, sister, daughter, and mother. I loved them, was responsible for them, and wanted them to be happy and healthy.

    But sometimes I struggled to find the motivation, energy, and strength to get out of bed. And nobody noticed; nobody offered help or support. They took for granted that I would get it all done. They didn’t realize that I hated myself for being too weak to juggle it all.

    I felt overburdened, resentful, abused, and irritated. Why did they all take advantage of my good nature? Why did they not see how exhausted I was, how their demands swallowed my life?

    How could they do this to me? I knew nothing back then.

    The True Problem of the Ever Helpful, Chronically Selfless, and Desperately Exhausted

    I spent several weeks angry and resentful. People around me wondered why I was so unbalanced, upset, and grumpy.

    They had no idea that I was suffering because of their unrealistically high demands and expectations. That they were selfish, mean, and inconsiderate for shifting their burdens on to me. At least that’s what I thought.

    But then they started to ask whether something was wrong, whether I needed to talk about it, and what they could do to help. “Just holler,” they said. “Anything you need, any time, we are there for you, okay?”

    I was gobsmacked. I had convinced myself that they didn’t care, that they were taking me for granted and considered me their personal property.

    But the truth was that I had kept my suffering a secret. I never told them that I was stressed and exhausted; I never said “no” if they asked me for yet another favor. They didn’t know that it was all too much, that I wasn’t coping.

    They weren’t malicious, exploitative, or taking advantage. But they saw me smile, heard me say that “I was fine,” and were used to me helping out without a second thought.

    I had fooled them all those years with my happy face and bubbly spirit. So I could help, support, save, and rescue. So they could be grateful and I could feel useful, valuable and appreciated.

    There was no way around it: I was a people pleaser. I needed the praise, recognition, and gratitude of others to feel worthwhile. I was addicted to serving others.

    And I was hurting myself in more ways than I realized.

    6 Compelling Reasons to Break the People-Pleasing Addiction

    I knew that my people pleasing compulsion left me exhausted and drained of energy and joy. But only when I examined my predicament more deeply did I recognize the devastating impact it had on my life:

    1. I lost myself.

    Because I was so desperate to please others, I not only did what they expected from me, I also was who I thought they wanted me to be. I assimilated their interests, behaved according to their preferences, and kept my opinions to myself. My true self was buried under an enormous pile of adaptation and lies in the hope to please others.

    2. I felt unloved.

    I was always ready to help others but, when I needed support, I felt that nobody cared. They were taking from me without any intention to give back. Many of my friends back then only contacted me when they had a problem but seemed to forget about me when things were going well. Simply because they weren’t used to me asking for anything in return.

    3. I created co-dependencies.

    Many of my relationships relied on me giving and the other person receiving. I depended on the service to get my fix of appreciation and recognition. The others depended on me for my help and support. And I was never sure whether the relationships were based on affection or co-dependence.

    4. I was vulnerable.

    Because of my overwhelming desire for acknowledgement and appreciation, I would have done anything to please others. Looking back now, I understand how vulnerable this made me. How easily somebody could have abused me, forced me to do things to “make them happy.” I was lucky, but others might not be.

    5. I damaged my health.

    Because I was hard-wired to please others, I ignored my body when it screamed for rest. I couldn’t stay in bed if I had promised others my help or my company. I couldn’t live with myself if I let them down. So I ploughed through the exhaustion and drained my immune system until I seemed to have colds, coughs, and flus non-stop.

    6. I beat myself up.

    And when I was lying in bed with a high fever I still beat myself up for disappointing others. I felt down and upset because I was a useless inconvenience. I was horrified my family and friends would get sick of me if I bothered them too much and needed help. And I wondered how I could justify my existence if I got seriously ill or too old and frail to please everybody all the time.

    As I saw the damage my people pleasing caused in my life, I knew it had to stop. I had to break my addiction this time. I would finally learn to say “no.”

    But it was far more difficult than I imagined.

    The Real Motivation of a People Pleaser

    After the shocking realization of the true consequences, I was mindful of my people pleasing tendencies. I was determined to prioritize myself.

    But, while my body cried out for a rest, I felt lazy every time I settled down for a nap. I felt selfish when I indulged in a hobby and inadequate if I didn’t give 400% in everything I did.

    Whenever I attempted to do something for myself, rest, or say “no,” I was gripped by crippling guilt. It spread through my body, stinging in my chest, choking my breath, and weighing on my heart.

    My mind was racing with all the tasks I should do, all the chores I ought to complete, and all the support I was supposed to provide.

    Instead of enjoying my me-time, I beat myself up for not focusing on more pressing matters. Instead of deriving pleasure from my hobbies, I punished myself for letting others down. Instead of recharging vital energy, I condemned myself for not cleaning the bathroom.

    The guilt sucked all the joy out of my life and left me in an unbearable state of self-punishment, self-loathing, and self-condemnation. It seemed like I had only two options in my life: be miserable because of overwhelm, or be unhappy because of guilt. And none of these choices was acceptable.

    But why could I not prioritize myself? Why did I feel so guilty?

    The Tragic Reason Why We Sacrifice Ourselves to Please Others

    As I contemplated these crucial questions, I soon discovered that all my problems were caused by lack of self-worth.

    I was pleasing others because I believed that I wasn’t good enough for their friendship, respect, and attention. I didn’t deserve their love.

    I was convinced that others only tolerated me as long as I was useful, contributed my share, and proved my worth. I was terrified that they would abandon me if I didn’t comply, disappointed them, or ever dared to say “no.”

    Low self-worth caused fear of rejection. And fear of rejection produced guilt. An all-consuming pressure to do more, be better, and try harder if I wanted to maintain my relationships and keep my job.

    So pleasing others became an addiction. A compulsive overcompensation for my lack of self-worth and self-love. With guilt overpowering me every time I withdrew from my self-invalidation and chose to prioritize myself.

    I was burning myself out, sacrificing my life for others. Not because they demanded it but because I was convinced it was necessary to be accepted. Because I thought I had nothing to offer but my tireless service, commitment, and dedication.

    Because, deep down, I believed I was unacceptable, unlovable. Worthless.

    I knew that I had to say “no” to others if I wanted to prioritize myself. Yet, I never could. At least not without feeling like a nasty, unhelpful, selfish bastard.

    Yes, I could force myself to say “no.” But afterward, I would plummet into a turbulent sea of unhappiness, guilt, and self-punishment. It wasn’t the way out.

    Because my people pleasing addiction wasn’t the real problem, it was merely a symptom. If I wanted to learn to prioritize myself without suffering I had to treat the root cause. I had to heal my low self-worth.

    Learning to Prioritize Yourself

    I grew up believing that our worth is defined by our achievements, our usefulness to others and society. That we are inherently worthless but can earn worthiness by gaining qualifications, wealth, popularity, and success. And that we are only deserving of love and friendship if we sacrifice ourselves to please others.

    But I was wrong because the truth is that we are worth personified. Worth isn’t the result of our actions, accomplishments, and possessions; it isn’t increased by self-sacrifice. It is the essence of our being, the foundation of our existence.

    And it is our task to remember. To let go of our society’s misunderstanding and wake up to the exquisite value and deservedness that is inherent to all of us. To realize our infinite worth that does not depend on any outside factors.

    We are worth. And as long as we treat others with respect and kindness we will always be good enough to deserve their love—without sacrificing our happiness, damaging our bodies, and betraying our values.

    I must have repeated “I am worth” a million times. I affirmed it twenty times a day, told myself when I felt guilty for putting myself first. And I assured myself when I finally told my colleagues, family, and friends that I was stressed and exhausted, that I couldn’t go on like this, that I needed time for myself.

    And they understood. All those years I was horrified they would leave me if I didn’t cater to all their needs. But they knew my true worth better than I did.

    They cared for me, not for the tasks and favors I did for them. They respected my needs. And, after a while, I managed to prioritize myself.

    I now have time to pursue my dreams, give my body the rest it needs, and read a book in the sun. Without guilt or fear of rejection.

    I still enjoy helping and supporting others, granting favors, and doing my best at work. But my motivation has changed. I no longer do it because I am terrified of negative consequences.

    I do it because it makes me happy. And I now know that I deserve happiness. I deserve love, rest and time for myself. Because I am worth.

    And so are you.

  • The Healing Power of Self-Care in a World of Chronic Stress and Anxiety

    The Healing Power of Self-Care in a World of Chronic Stress and Anxiety

    “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” ~Lao Tzu

    I’ve always lived with a low hum of anxiety in the background, and lately it’s been harder to keep a lid on it.

    There are a lot of things to be anxious about these days. We live in a complex and stressful world and anxiety is very common, affecting upwards of 20% of the population. Some experience manageable levels; for others, anxiety and chronic stress can be debilitating and self-destructing.

    Truth is, we have good reasons to be stressed out. We work too much; we don’t take enough time off; we’re constantly plugged in and “on” yet are more disconnected than ever before; many of us struggle financially; our healthcare, education, and political systems don’t support us. We truly face many challenges and struggles every day.

    So how do we help ourselves ride the inevitable storms that come our way? How do we handle daily ups and downs without getting swept up by emotions and reactions?

    We’ve always understood that we need to make our health and well-being a priority. Replenish first and replenish often.

    But we have to take care of ourselves on a physical, emotional, and mental level. Body, mind, and soul.

    In a World of Anxiety and Chronic Stress, Self-Care Matters

    Let’s first define self-care.

    Self-care is an active and conscious choice to engage in activities that nourish us and help us maintain an optimal level of overall health. It basically means making healthy lifestyle choices and implementing stress management strategies.

    Self-care is not a new concept. We’ve known for a long time that eating well, exercising, maintaining good sleep habits, and eliminating smoking and drinking are all critical in maintaining good health.

    What’s new is the holistic approach to self-care that goes beyond taking care of your physical well-being. It’s looking at mental health, emotional health, social engagement, spiritual well-being, and of course, physical care as a basis for it all.

    That is the kind of holistic approach we all need to take when thinking about effective and all-encompassing self-care.

    Unfortunately, Americans are hardly practicing any self-care.

    • One in four Americans has a mental health disorder, of which one in seventeen have a severe mental illness. Many of these disorders go untreated.
    • Eighty-one percent of Americans do not exercise enough.
    • More than one-third of Americans are obese.

    So what’s the problem? Well, it’s complicated. Lack of money, lack of time, lack of resources, lack of awareness… It seems overwhelming, I know (pun not intended).

    But we don’t have to completely overhaul our lifestyle in one day, not even one year, to make a substantial difference. Remember, a journey of thousand miles starts with a single step.

    We just have to take that one step forward right now.

    Can you adopt one healthy habit today? Or perhaps, you can eliminate one unhealthy habit from now on? Can you give yourself a gift of a single healthy activity you can commit to doing on a daily or weekly basis?

    My Self-Care Journey

    When I first decided to take charge over my health, I didn’t know where to start.

    I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of things I needed to address: I didn’t sleep well, I worked too much, I suffered from chronic pain and depression, I was highly self-critical, I wasn’t exercising, I knew there was childhood pain that I had to deal with, I was overwhelmed trying to raise three little boys, and I was constantly anxious.

    I was miserable.

    I was unhappy, but I felt too disempowered to “fix” my life—there were just too many problems to tackle, too much to work on. At the same time, I knew I couldn’t continue to live like this.

    Something had to change.

    So I started small, with what at that time seemed like a doable practice…

    In 2011, I committed to daily gratitude journaling at bedtime.

    I simply wrote three good things that I was grateful for that day. It was something I could do in just few minutes, and it made me feel good.

    As I developed the habit of gratitude, my list grew longer and more detailed. In the end, gratitude journaling helped me curb my naturally negative outlook on life, added more optimism and perspective, and helped me sleep better.

    In 2012, I committed to eliminating yelling, complaining, and criticizing.

    This was the next step in curbing my negativity and promoting a more positive mindset. While this wasn’t easy to do and I stumbled a lot initially, over time my attitude changed dramatically, improving all of my relationships in ways I couldn’t imagine (including the one I had with myself, since there was now less fuel for self-blame and feeling guilty).

    In 2013, I committed to making art every day.

    This has been my passion that I’ve neglected for years but craved immensely.

    Doing something for myself just because I enjoyed it was an act of self-love. It brought creativity and play into my life, taught me that mistakes are not such a big deal, gave me a voice that I’ve lost as a busy mother, allowed for self-expression, improved my self-esteem, and in the end was truly healing. (Art is therapy!)

    In 2014, I committed to mindfulness and healing my emotional wounds.

    The pain of the past was still there, and it would pop every now and then, showing up as anger, depression, and fear. I decided to finally tackle it with journaling and mindfulness.

    Ever since I started my gratitude practice, I realized journaling was helpful in making sense of feelings and events, processing my emotions, gaining perspective, and simply letting things go by pouring them out on paper. (Yes, I’m old school!)

    Mindfulness helped me through my emotional healing journey by recognizing, allowing, and accepting my internal experience with presence and compassion.

    Journaling helped me integrate and process my past and present events and feeling, and ultimately became my top self-therapy tool.

    Dealing with suppressed emotional pain was extremely hard, but in the end self-empowering. It freed me from reactivity and emotional high jacking, led to more inner-peace, and accelerated my healing journey of self-love and self-acceptance.

    In 2015, I committed to daily meditation and journaling practice since both were so instrumental and transformational in managing my emotions and well-being.

    I wanted to be more present to life and build a solid foundation for my future.

    Meditation and journaling further deepened my self-awareness; helped me to slow down and recognize negative patterns I needed to work on; taught me how to respond instead of react to life; allowed me to process my present pain and experiences and gain clarity and perspective; eased my anxiety; and improved my attention, empathy, and listening skills.

    In 2016, I committed to weekly yoga.

    I’d tried yoga before and didn’t like it at all. But now I was a changed woman and I craved to reconnect with my body and align my body-mind with my spirit. I also needed to move my body, and yoga offered a relaxing way to do just that.

    It taught me to listen to and respect my body, and ultimately take care of it better (which led to better sleep habits, drinking more water, eating cleaner food, and limiting processed and toxic stuff). It helped with pain and inflammation, flexibility, and body-mind-soul integration. Yoga makes me feel good, whole, and peaceful. I am home.

    A lot has changed in those last six years. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and continue to make daily. Yes, it was hard at the beginning. Creating new habits can be hard, so it’s important to go slow and not get discouraged if you slip up. Pick one goal and commit to it with all your heart.

    Some self-care activities will come easily; I love doodling, walking my dog, listening to relaxing music at bedtime, journaling, reading, taking long baths, hiking, and taking bike rides with kiddos.

    Some habits will be hard to put into practice. For me, as a victim of childhood abuse and neglect, meditation was really hard. So I started with only two minutes a day, lying down. Today I can sit for twenty to thirty minutes with ease.

    There are still days when I don’t feel like going to my yoga class, but I will myself out the door, no matter what. I know it’s good for my mind and my body.

    You will have to push yourself often, but stick with it. You’ll literally wire those new habits into your brain, and it will get easier. The payoff is worth all the work.

    I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m better, healthier, and more peaceful and present.

    I’m dealing with instead of running away from my anxiety. I’m managing instead of suppressing. And there’s much more inner peace, balance, love, and acceptance in my life.

    I’ve killed my inner critic (for the most part), and I’m more in tune with my mind, my body, and my heart than ever before. My relationships have improved, and I like my life, even though it’s still hard sometimes. There are still many challenges I have to deal with, but I feel more empowered and in charge than ever before.

    You Have to Find Your Own Path 

    Your self-care plan may look completely different from mine. It might mean spending more time in nature, taking up running, or ending a toxic relationship. It may mean quarterly juicing, getting a monthly massage, or knitting. It may be developing a new hobby or quitting smoking.

    The beautiful thing is that you are in charge. You and only you know what’s most nourishing for you right now, and what you need to be doing to feel healthy and balanced. You get to decide how to nurture and care for yourself best!

    Don’t put off self-care for later. Later will never come. We have to make time now for what’s important, and self-care needs to be your priority. You are worth it!

  • A Daily Self-Care Ritual for Anyone Who Feels Lost in Life

    A Daily Self-Care Ritual for Anyone Who Feels Lost in Life

    “When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” ~Jean Shinoda Bolen

    We all get lost sometimes.

    So lost that we lose track of who we are, where we’re going, what we want, and how to give ourselves what we need to feel nourished and healthy.

    I’ve been there many times, enough times to realize that it’s an inevitable part of life, to realize that it’s okay to get lost.

    The triggers? They’re never predictable.

    Some are subtle and prolonged; some are brief but so huge they knock me off my feet and leave me reeling from shock: the pain of not fitting in at school as a teenager, the sudden death of my father when I was away at university, my first serious breakup, the time I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship but couldn’t work up the courage to leave, a betrayal by a friend that made me question if everything that we shared was even real.

    At times like these, when I find myself down on my knees, the first thing to go out the window is my motivation to take care of myself.

    I either eat too much or stop eating. I stay in bed all day. I don’t drink enough water. I drink too much alcohol. I become unkind to myself. I lose patience with myself and others.

    It just feels easier to not care.

    It was only in recent years, when I hit my mid-thirties, that I became aware of how repeating this cycle of behaviors wasn’t serving me in any way. In fact, they were keeping me stuck in a negative place and holding me back from healing and moving forward.

    It’s been during this time that I decided to break that cycle and give my intuition the voice and attention it deserved by making the following self-care steps a part of my life.

    I give myself permission to not feel motivated all the time.

    I always thought that motivation was this bright, powerful flame of desire that would drive me to do what was good for me, no matter what.

    After all, if something was important enough, I should want to do it all the time, right?

    Not really.

    As time passed and I gained more experience in life, I came to realize that there will be highs and there will be lows where I’ll feel like jumping off the moving train because it feels like too much work to stay on it.

    It’s important that you recognize this and allow yourself to be in this place without feeling guilty about it. Give yourself the space you need to breathe and be still, then gradually start easing yourself into taking the steps you need to get to where you want to be.

    I set an intention for the day the minute I wake up.

    When life has knocked you off your feet and you aren’t sure where to go, the thoughts that go through your head in the first few minutes of your day can mean the difference between getting closer to the path of healing or drifting further away from it.

    Instead of allowing negative thoughts to take center stage in my mind the way they used to, I now guide my thoughts to these two steps the minute I wake up:

    • I think of three things that I’m grateful for, and then…
    • I set an intention for the day ahead. This can be something as simple as keeping my spirits up throughout the day, or something more challenging, such as coming up with ten actionable solutions for a difficult situation that I may be facing.

    Your intention doesn’t have to be difficult or complicated. It just has to be meaningful to you.

    I prioritize getting enough restful sleep.

    Over the past few years, I experienced several violent break-ins into my home, and at the same time was struggling to deal with an emotionally abusive relationship.

    As a result, anxiety became a constant companion, making it difficult for me to fall and stay asleep.

    Now as I heal, doing my best to make sure that I get enough sleep each night has become a priority for me, and this means having a pre-sleep ritual in place:

    • I make sure my computer is turned off by 8 p.m. and that I head to bed at the same time every night.
    • I don’t drink coffee, but I love tea, so I stick to caffeine-free teas after 4 p.m..
    • I spend an hour before I plan to go to bed doing something that helps me let go of the stresses, excitement, and chaos of the day, and this typically means spending time with my dog and family, reading, talking to a friend, or going through a soothing yoga sequence. Within this hour, I also spend five to ten minutes questioning any stressful thoughts that I might have, with the help of Byron Katie’s “The Work” so that they have less power over me and are less likely to keep me up during the night.

    If you’re finding it difficult to sleep restfully for at least seven hours a night, I encourage you to start putting together a pre-sleep routine that will help calm your mind and body down to make falling and staying asleep feel easier.

    I focus on building mindfulness.

    Having been an emotional eater since my teens, it can be easy for me to fall back into my old pattern of turning to food for comfort when stress and anxiety get the better of me.

    This is why nurturing mindfulness is an important part of my daily routine, especially when things get rough.

    Rather than numb myself with food, alcohol, compulsive shopping, or some other habit that helps me avoid facing the difficult emotions I’m experiencing, I acknowledge their presence, the discomfort that they’re stirring up in me, and what the old me used to do when they came up.

    I then consciously make the decision to not give in to those old habits—habits that I know will ultimately drag me down and hold me back from getting back on my feet.

    If you’re struggling to give up a habit that you know isn’t good for you, here’s my challenge to you: Every time you’re tempted to say yes to that box of donuts, bottle of wine, or pity party, ask yourself, “Is this going to make me stronger?” If your answer is no, move away from it.

    I make gentle movement a part of my day.

    I know I can’t be happy and capable if my body isn’t healthy and strong, so I make time three to five times a week to exercise.

    If I’m not in a good place and am running low on energy, I can’t make it through an intense workout that involves heavy equipment, so I shift gears and go slow with my own body weight instead.

    Fitness isn’t always about going hard and fast all the time or getting flat abs—it also means being able to listen to your body and spirit so that you can add purposeful movement into your day that helps you build the resilience you need to deal with the anxieties of everyday life.

    I learn something new that will strengthen me from the inside out every day.

    Whenever I feel stuck in a rut or painful place, I often have my gut telling me that it’s because I may not yet have the necessary skills, insights, or right mindset to heal and break free from it.

    This is why I set a goal to learn one new thing every single day by reading a book, blog post, listening to a podcast, or even connecting with someone who has more experience than I do so I can approach life or a particular situation that I’m in from a fresh perspective.

    The internal shifts that happen don’t have to be huge, but they do add up in a way that makes a significant difference to my life: I gradually become stronger, gain more clarity, and start feeling more confident about taking that first step in a new, healthier direction.

    No matter how low or lost you feel right now, I want you to know this: There’s always a way out and up, and it will always start from within you.

  • How to Stop Neglecting and Abusing Your Inner Child

    How to Stop Neglecting and Abusing Your Inner Child

    Inner child

    “Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible.” ~Paulo Coelho

    You’re probably an abusive parent. Even if you don’t have children.

    In each of us lives an inner child. This child isn’t just a sub-layer of our personality; it’s arguably the real us, the deepest aspect of ourselves.

    Like many people, I’ve been aware of the inner child idea for some time. I thought of the concept mostly as another way of explaining our personal sensitivities or the childish behavior we all are capable of at times. But it’s not that; it’s much more.

    It wasn’t until I thought of my inner child in relation to my actual children that I started to appreciate just how important it is to really take responsibility for this child. I realized, too, just how so many of us mistreat our inner child. Abuse them even. And it’s changed the way I treat myself forever.

    I think of the basic needs of my children. Sleep. Nutrition. Regular praise and encouragement. Physical safety. And of course, love.

    The idea of them not receiving these things causes me a pain that feels almost physical. Sadness and even anger arise in me as their dad.

    And yet, what about my other child? My inner child—the little me?

    I, as my adult self, have just as much responsibility to him as I do my son and daughter. But I, like so many others, have outright failed in my responsibility to him as a supposedly responsible adult.

    I have so often deprived him of sleep, made him go long periods without eating, and failed to keep him adequately hydrated. I have dragged him to work with me and pushed him so hard that he has burned out. I have allowed past girlfriends to abuse him.

    And worst still, I have failed to tell him I love him. I have let him feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. Because I was continuing a pattern.

    Like so many people, I had experiences early in my life that communicated to my inner child that he was not enough. For some people, this manifests as a deep-seated, almost silent belief, whispered into the ear of our inner child that says, “You are not good enough,” “You are not wanted,” or “You are not important.” Ultimately, it’s a feeling of being unlovable.

    In my case, this came about from incidents of witnessing and experiencing abusive behavior at home, with my parents’ divorce when I was a five-year-old at the center of it. I later experienced a more subtle emotional neglect by my parents and had experiences with violence.

    But experiences do not have to be this extreme at all. Simply growing up in a home where no one says “I love you” or having parents who never check in with us to find out how we’re doing is more than enough for a tiny person to develop these subtle but powerful beliefs. These experiences don’t even have to be at the hands of our parents; being rejected by friends at a young age can have the same effect.

    When people give the general advice of “take care of yourself,” what they never mention is that if you don’t, you will be failing to care for a child that is dependent on you for safety, security, and love.

    Here are the three general ways I make sure I live up to my responsibility as the sole caretaker of this child…

    Provide the Basics

    Just as I would never let my children go without adequate food, water, and sleep, I now ensure that I extend the same to myself.

    Push yourself in your work and mission; live at your edge to achieve your goals. But don’t do so at the expense of your health. While it’s true that growth rarely comes from times of comfort in our lives, comfort and being cared for are still necessities.

    Ensure you are getting enough sleep. Eat regularly and healthily. Stay hydrated throughout the day. It may not sound so serious, but frame it in terms of providing these basic needs to a child, and you will see how these things equate to essential self-love.

    Give Them Gifts

    Children aren’t “shallow” for liking to receive presents at Christmas or on birthdays. Gifts, in whatever form they may come, are a valid way of giving and receiving love. Everybody loves to be pampered and buy nice things for themselves. Don’t overlook the idea of buying yourself gifts or getting a massage as valid parts of self-work.

    By gifting ourselves regularly, we train ourselves to receive. Many people struggle with accepting gifts and favors, and this often comes from an inability to receive love as a result of our deep feelings of unworthiness.

    At first, gifting ourselves can feel a little shallow. The trick is to not put the emphasis on buying ourselves stuff—the giving—but to focus on the feeling of receiving. By allowing ourselves to open up emotionally to fully accept a gift, we are telling our inner child that they are worthy.

    But at the same time, just as you can spoil a child, it’s important to not make gifting the only way of showing yourself love.

    I have witnessed, many times, people trying to overcompensate for their self-love issues through materialism. So make sure you have the basics covered too, as well as ensuring you…

    Spend Time with Your Inner Child

    We’ve all known, or possibly have been, that child that grew up with everything. They had the nice house and all the latest stuff, but weren’t really happy.

    Maybe their parents weren’t very good at communicating emotions. Or they prioritized their bickering over their children’s happiness. Or perhaps they were just straight up abusive.

    A similar dynamic can occur with our relationship to our inner child. And so it’s important to develop healthy communication with that part of yourself.

    Through visualization, spend time being present with the little you. Allow them to feel your full caring, appreciation, and protectiveness as the responsible adult you.

    In a quiet place, you can envision you, in your adult form, being present with the little you. Maybe you are holding them, sitting them on your lap, or listening to their feelings and needs so you can meet them, instead of ignoring them, as so many of us do.

    You can also spend time stepping into the shoes of your child self and take comfort in experiencing the loving presence and protective qualities of your adult self.

    Feeling as though you were your child-self, allow yourself to be held and comforted by the adult you who has vowed to protect you. Feel the safety, security, and comfort—the unconditional love—that you perhaps were deprived of as a child.

    —

    Treating yourself with this level of respect, care, and unconditional love is some of the deepest and most instantly rewarding self-work one can do. Start today and be sure to share with others this practice when they notice the positive changes in you!

  • How to Feel Good In Your Skin: 7 Powerful Lessons on Beauty

    How to Feel Good In Your Skin: 7 Powerful Lessons on Beauty

    You are beautiful 1

    “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” ~Proverb

    I struggled with body image for years while I was living in Europe because I have a very fair complexion, oily skin, and thin hair.

    During my childhood, people would look at me and comment on how pale I looked and ask my mother if I was anemic. Later on, as I was growing up, people who met me would ask if I was ill, or they would say that I look exhausted, tired, and weak.

    It was most difficult during the summers, when there was always a social pressure to get a tan, as I heard a lot of negative comments then. I didn’t perceive myself as beautiful, nor did I think I would ever, until I came to India for the first time.

    In India, bright skin is synonymous with beauty (beautiful means fair!), and everyone complimented me there, telling me how beautiful I am, that I am “bright like the moon.”

    They also admired my silky, smooth hair and oily skin—in India, they call it “glowing skin” and appreciate it because skin can get very dry, with the hot weather.

    Indian women would ask me over and over to share the secret behind my glowing skin, and they wouldn’t believe that it was naturally so oily; they’d think that it must be some cosmetic product from Europe that I didn’t want to tell them about.

    Suddenly I realized why all my Indian friends, who lived in my hometown back in Europe, would not leave the house without the sunscreen, why they’d always tell me that I’d be considered very pretty in India, and why they’d joke that I’d get married quickly there!

    I was shocked when I realized how much money people, both men and women, spend in India for fairness beauty products. Some women even bleach their skin with hydrogen peroxide-based cosmetics. Yet, in Western countries, people spend a ton of money on tanning products and solariums to get darker skin.

    I realized in India how beauty is socially constructed and started feeling beautiful in my own (fair) skin for the first time in my entire life. Or, I should say, I discovered how beautiful I am, with all my Western “imperfections.”

    For last two and a half years, since I’ve been living in India, people who knew me for a long time comment on how I look much more beautiful now and ask me to share my secret.

    I don’t deny that Indian vegetarian food and the abundance of tropical fruits, together with natural beauty products with neem, heena, herbal oils and sandalwood, are part of the equation. But I believe the major reason is that I started feeling beautiful and good in my own skin.

    Here are seven things I learned that can help us all feel better in our skin, with all of our “imperfections.”

    1. Beauty is socially constructed.

    This was one of the biggest aha moments I had in India. While we may not be considered as good looking in our own country, in some other part of the world we may be perceived as a beautiful person.

    In some other part of the world, our height, complexion, hair color, facial features, and body shape—things we might see as “imperfections”—would be considered attractive traits.

    2. Our body is our home in this lifetime.

    We should be deeply grateful every single day that we have a body, which is our home and our vehicle in this lifetime. We can do so many things with our bodies—dance, swim, run, walk, talk, sit, move, hug our beloved, smile, eat, write, type, pick up objects, work, paint, cook, be intimate with our partner, and so much more!

    Instead of focusing on the color or shape of our eyes, which we may not like, we can focus on how fortunate we are that we can see. Instead of focusing on how skinny, thin, short, or fat our legs are, or how much cellulite we have, we can focus on how blessed we are that we can walk, and so on.

    3. True beauty comes from within.

    Although this saying may sound cliché, it’s actually true. No matter how many beautiful facial features a person may have, a sad or angry face is never pretty. No matter how beautiful a person’s appearance may be, if the same person behaves with disrespect to others, or acts rudely and arrogantly, people will not want to spend much time around him or her.

    A smile can bring radiance and beauty to every single face.

    An old wise saying suggests that our external beauty is often what gets people attracted to us, but it is our personality that makes them fall in love with us.

    4. Stop the negative self-talk.

    If we observe the thoughts running through our mind every single day and notice negative self-talk about our body image, we need to consciously stop ourselves and replace those thoughts with positive ones.

    Telling ourselves that we are “fat like a cow,” “ugly as a beast,” or that we look “pale and sick” will do us no good. It will only crush our self-esteem and makes us feel insecure and less worthy.

    We need to observe these kinds of thoughts and decide that we will not continue repeating the same old negative story over and over again; instead, we will embrace and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections.

    It can be hard in the beginning, but the first step to letting go of the negative self-talk is to observe and notice these thoughts coming up. Once we become aware, we can replace them with more positive ones, like, for example, we can focus on what we like about our appearance, or what we like about ourselves that has nothing to do with our appearance.

    5. Self-care is the road to self-love.

    Self-care can help us feel better in our skin and our body immensely. Nourishing our body with nutritious food, good quality cosmetic products, and massages, and practicing some form of physical activity that we enjoy, will not only help us to feel good in our skin, but also to love and respect ourselves more in the long run.

    6. Confidence is more attractive than good looks.

    Imagine that you have a choice to date one of two people: The first is someone who is good looking, but very insecure, who doesn’t feel worthy and needs a ton of validation and compliments, who doesn’t feel confident enough to express their feelings toward you.

    The second is someone who is average looking but communicative, funny, and courageous, who feels secure and good about him/herself and worthy of you, who makes you laugh all the time, and feels confident expressing their feelings toward you.

    Which one would you choose? Very likely the second type of person, right?

    7. There are lots of things we can do to feel better about our appearance, and feel better in our body.

    Although we cannot change our appearance to the extreme, there are so many things that are in our control, that we can do on a daily basis to feel and look better.

    We can wear clothes that resonate with our personality and make us feel more confident, we can do some form of exercise that improves our body tone, practice yoga or Pilates to improve our posture, get manicures, style our hair in a way that we like, nourish our skin, make sure we get enough sleep and drink plenty of water, decide to eat healthier, and so on.

    Though we should do these things for ourselves, if we feel good in our own skin and love ourselves, other people will instantly start perceiving us as more beautiful and loving as well.

  • If Self-Love Seems Difficult, Start with Self-Like

    If Self-Love Seems Difficult, Start with Self-Like

    “It’s not your job to like me. It’s mine.” ~Byron Katie

    Self-love is a word that gets used a lot. Overused, in fact.

    The pressures and associations around the phrase “self-love” are immense. At school, we actually tore apart girls who loved themselves, as if it was such a bad thing. As teenagers, we saw self-love as big headed and arrogant.

    If only we knew the harm that we were doing, not just to others but most of all to ourselves.

    So how about we begin with self-like?

    I definitely felt that I had to try to get people to like me when I was growing up. I wanted to fit in, I definitely didn’t want to embrace my individuality; all I wanted was acceptance.

    But I now understand that those desperate attempts to make others like, and love me, were actually a reflection of what I needed to learn for myself.

    Fast forward to over a decade later and this constant struggle appears to have reached a crunch point. My inability to love myself has caused huge problems in my relationships, both with myself and with the people I care about.

    I can’t even begin to think about practicing self-love, because in all honesty, I struggle quite a lot of the time to even self-like. The pressure of consistent self-love is way too much for me to handle right now.

    How am I expected to really truly love myself unconditionally? Love my wobbly bits, love my dark thoughts, love the fact that I sweat profusely during every type of exercise, love the times when I eat a bar of chocolate, just to get an instant hit of pleasure, love the fact that at times I can be a real scaredy cat?

    How am I supposed to do all of this when a lot of the times I can’t even like these parts of me?

    And so the self-like process must begin.

    Take Self-Love Away

    If you are in a place of self-loathing and self-hatred right now, take self-love off the table altogether. Don’t pressure yourself into unconditional love, because the very fact you can’t force it upon yourself will only frustrate and hurt you more.

    If you put too much emphasis on love right now, you will simply end up suppressing the intense resistance that comes up and burying it deep within, only for it to rear its ugly head at a later date. Liking you right now feels a little more attainable than love.

    Add in Self-Care

    For a long time I thought that by doing things that fell into the self-care category, I was showing myself love. It was, in fact, a very important first step, but I deluded myself into believing that self-care was the same as self-love.

    Self-care is vital because it helps you to start believing in your own worth. But it is far easier than self-like or self-love, which makes it a great place to start.

    By starting to implement self-care practices—such as eating well, taking time to exercise, booking yourself a massage, and looking after your appearance—you are giving yourself the amazing signals that you are worth it.

    Begin to Implement Self-Acceptance

    Accepting where we are right now is absolutely imperative in our quest for self-like. And that doesn’t mean when you get your ideal job/dream body/loving partner/lottery win. It has to happen in this very moment.

    If you don’t accept yourself now, you still won’t accept yourself when you do get the ideal job/dream body/loving partner/lottery win.

    I am the biggest I have ever been in my life. I look back at photos and pine for the body shape I once had; however, I didn’t love myself then either. So I realize that the solution is not in a dress size but in accepting and liking myself no matter what I look like.

    Accepting that where you are right now is okay is incredibly powerful and an integral part of learning to like yourself. You don’t have to love where you are; you just have to be okay with it as a starting point.

    That doesn’t mean you have to stop striving for more in your life. But if you can like the place you are in now, then you are far more likely to love the way your life evolves.

    Embracing Your Darkness

    Unconditional self-like comes from embracing your darkness as well as your light. That means your fears, your worries, your doubts, your body shape, yes, even the things that disgust and disappoint you about yourself. They may not be pretty, but they are part of you.

    We can’t simply banish these feelings away and shower them with positive affirmations. We can’t hide away and use avoidance tactics in the hope that they will go away. But we can accept them and start to gently tweak the pattern of thoughts that come up.

    Create Purpose

    When we feel on purpose, self-like becomes a lot easier. When we are living our lives in a way that satisfies and fulfills our creativity and our wishes, then we can begin to like our life from the inside and the outside.

    Think about the things that you enjoy doing. What brings you joy and makes you feel fulfilled? You don’t have to know what your life purpose is right now. Just by allowing yourself the chance to implement more of these things into your daily routine, you might start to really like that life.

    Self-like can start with the tiniest of steps—simply admitting to yourself that you have done a good job, or that there is even just one part of your body that you like. It isn’t an overnight transformation, but I do believe that it is the very first step toward learning self-love.

    Can you be brave and find just one thing to like about yourself right now?

  • How I Stopped Feeling Hopeless and Healed from Depression

    How I Stopped Feeling Hopeless and Healed from Depression

    “Abandon the idea that you will forever be the victim of the things that have happened to you. Choose to be the victor.” ~Seth Adam Smith

    I come from a history of abuse and mental illness on both sides of my family. I felt the effects of both growing up. By my twenties, I was a mess.

    I suffered from wild mood swings and severe depression, either lashing out or completely numb and disinterested. I was using alcohol to numb myself from reality, and it was only a matter of time before I’d end up in jail or dead.

    I saw doctors, counselors, and therapists. I was diagnosed with two mental illnesses and tried medicine after medicine. Eventually, I was taking over ten pills a day, nothing was helping, and my doctor said he couldn’t do anything more for me.

    That was when I hit rock bottom. I was shocked. My genes and terrible experiences had wrecked my entire life before I ever had the chance to really live it. It seemed that misery was all I would ever have.

    Deep in a downward spiral of hopelessness, something in me cried out that this couldn’t be it. There had to be something more. I had to be able to change this.

    I clung to that hope, and for ten years I searched for answers. I read everything I could get my hands on and took courses on anything that might help me. I tried things. I made mistakes. I worked hard to cope and to heal.

    Today, my life isn’t perfect, but I’m stable and happy. I’m in a healthy relationship. I have purpose and direction in my life. I’m finally healthy. Here’s what helped me move forward on my healing journey.

    1. Give up the victim mentality.

    I realized that you can’t make changes when you’re stuck in blame or self-pity. And letting others give you answers will only limit you to their perspective and understanding.

    Instead of looking for external guidance, I began listening to my own. I acknowledged my pains rather than avoiding them. I listened to what they were trying to tell me with the clear purpose of understanding myself better and learning what I needed to address and change.

    I had to choose not to let others or my circumstances dictate my life, but to take control and choose for myself. I had to let go of denial and accept responsibility for my actions, thoughts, and beliefs. I could blame the doctor for not being able to “fix” me, or I could take control of my healing.

    I had to learn that the only way to move forward is to recognize that I have the power to do it and then focus on the steps I need to take.

    2. Accept that change is possible.

    In my studies, I learned that neuroscience has proved something called brain plasticity—the brain’s ability to create new neuropaths, or ways of processing and responding to our experiences. We can literally alter our brain to form good habits and responses rather than be stuck with behaviors that are destructive.

    I accepted that I can change and overcome whatever is holding me back, and I started trying to do it.

    I created good memories and started new activities that nurtured my mind and soul. Then, I practiced holding onto those good feelings and memories, even when things were difficult and I was hurting.

    I learned to be patient with myself as I made changes and sometimes failed to react or do as I should, because it takes time to build healthy patterns and behaviors and replace old, negative ones.

    I explored my beliefs and my behaviors to determine what my issues were and what untrue ideals I was holding.

    I explored my family history and stories to understand that the dysfunction was a cycle passed from one family to the next, and I determined to end it.

    While my family chose to avoid talking about the past and ignore the damage done, I chose not to be afraid. I talked about and explored those things, not to rehash old pain but to validate those experiences, learn from them, and then let them go so I did not repeat them.

    3. Practice self-care.

    Healing starts with taking good care of ourselves.

    I had to give up alcohol, coffee, late nights, places, people—anything I found that exacerbated my issues or was not helpful to maintaining the healthy habits I needed.

    I got off of the meds gradually and started living healthy.*

    I set healthy boundaries in my relationships.

    I started using positive self-talk rather than allowing harsh, critical thoughts to dominate my mind. I started talking to myself like a best friend, giving encouragement and praise.

    I listened to my emotions and I honored them. I practiced acceptance and self-validation.

    I was starting a new life with new choices, and I had to commit myself.

    I couldn’t only love myself when I was happy; I had to love myself when I made a mistake or felt pain. I couldn’t stop nurturing my body with healthy foods. I couldn’t stop cultivating personal development and practicing what I learned. I realized that stopping those things would bring back the depression and instability I was fighting to overcome.

    4. Live with intention.

    I realized that I couldn’t allow myself to go through life simply reacting to everything that happened to me. I needed to think and plan ahead, and learn coping skills so that when something went wrong, I could work through it rather than be debilitated by it.

    I researched and learned cognitive therapies, one of them Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, to help me remain calm in difficult situations and react responsibly, every success strengthening my resilience.

    I became organized, scheduling and planning my priorities so that my needs weren’t an afterthought. I set healthy, realistic goals for work and personal development and strove for them knowing that consistency is the key.

    When we react to life, we’re victims of circumstance. When we set intentions and then strive to meet them, we’re consciously choosing how we want to experience the world.

    I now ask myself questions like, “Who do I want to be? What do I want to achieve? What is working? What do I need?” My healing began with an intention to change the broken cycle of my life, and I live every day determined to fulfill that.

     5. Let go of labels.

    Depressed, a criminal, a rape victim, broken, suicidal, loose, an alcoholic, mentally ill—whatever the label, that is not who you or I am. I realized that I am not defined by my issues, my mistakes, or anything else someone wants to call me or use to describe me. I am more than those things, and they do not define who I am and who I will be.

    If I let them dominate my thoughts, then I will make my decisions based on those things, and it will become my reality.

    When I look in the mirror, I choose to see someone worthy of love and happiness. I accept that she may have been denied that in the past, and I make it my mission to make sure she gets it.

    The more I practiced these things, the more stable I became. I was able to accept and let go of the bad experiences I’d had and the mistakes I had made. I made myself a new person— someone I like, someone who is happy.

    Ten years have passed since I started my healing journey, and I sometimes think that if I had waited longer, I wouldn’t have the new life I have now. I wouldn’t have healing. I wouldn’t be learning new things. I could be in a bad place or a bad relationship, or maybe I would have given up on myself entirely.

    Maybe you are struggling with illness like I was. Maybe you’ve experienced trauma or heartache and feel damaged, that your life will never be normal or happy the way it should be.

    I wanted to overcome a long cycle of illness and tragedy in my family. I chose life and healing, and I have that future for myself and my own someday family. You can too. Start today to change the story of your life.

    *Editor’s note: If you are currently on medication, it may or may not be wise for you to consider going off them. Everyone is different. Please consult your doctor before making any decisions about your treatment plan.

  • Why We Put Ourselves Last and Why Self-Care Should Be a Priority

    Why We Put Ourselves Last and Why Self-Care Should Be a Priority

    “Be there for others, but never leave yourself behind.” ~Dodinsky

    Sometimes, when we’re feeling stressed and running around taking care of everybody else, the healthiest thing we can do is to stop and consider how we can take care of ourselves.

    While this seems obvious to some people, many of us struggle with the idea of putting ourselves first. We were raised to think we should always put others before ourselves and ignore our own needs—that it is somehow arrogant or self-centered, and not a nice thing to do.

    So why is self-care not held in high regard as the essential practice that it is for our well-being?

    Here, I take a look at some misconceptions that hold us back from looking after the most important person in our lives, explore why self-care is better for others around us, and share my own list of self-care commitments, as somebody who has struggled with this in the past.

    1. We think self-care means being selfish. 

    Taking care of ourselves is the opposite of being selfish, as it strengthens us and enables us to support our loved ones better. We are no use to anyone if our energy is depleted because we have given every last bit of it away. Self-care is an antidote to stress, as it builds resilience so we can better cope with challenges.

    Just think how they tell us to put on our oxygen mask first on an airplane before we help others. Yes, absolutely support others, but nurture yourself first.

    2. We confuse “rescuing” with caring.

    We often sacrifice self-care because we’re too busy trying to save everyone else. But people have to learn their own lessons in life, however painful that is. Who are you to decide that you know what is right for them? Now that is selfish, as it’s based on your own desires for them, which may not truly be in their best interests.

    The way we can really help is to focus on ourselves and stop trying to run others’ lives. While we think we’re caring by “rescuing” them from unpleasant experiences in their lives, we are denying them the opportunity to face their own challenges, and grow stronger or learn a lesson from doing so.

    This has been a hard truth for me to face, as I always thought I was being nice and caring. It’s even tougher to accept now that a close family member of mine is very ill, mostly caused by their own actions. I have an overwhelming desire to help, and have tried on numerous occasions, but I now realize that they have to want to change.

    By rescuing them every time, out of what we believe is love, the rest of the family are enabling this person to stay feeling helpless, and we are burning ourselves out with stress.

    I don’t mean we should never help people, but there is a difference between providing support for somebody who asks and taking it upon ourselves to save somebody and make their life turn out in a way that we think it should.

    3. We are accustomed to relationships based on neediness, not real love.

    We often fall in love with the idea of being in love because we watch Hollywood films that portray love as dramatic and needing to be with somebody 24/7.

    When we give from this place, we give too much because we believe we have to die for that person and other such dramatic statements. As Ernest Hemingway wrote in Men Without Women, “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.”

    Instead of spending our every waking hour thinking about that other person and forgetting ourselves, we (and our partners!) would be better served by focusing on ourselves. This way, we’ll be able to give from a place of wholeness, without expecting anything in return or feeling resentful.

    As Rollo May said, “Love is generally confused with dependence; but in point of fact, you can only love in proportion to your capacity for independence.” If we take care of ourselves, we are more independent, less needy of getting attention or affection, and more capable of truly connecting with another human being.

    4. We don’t realize we teach people how to treat us.

    We teach people how to treat us by our own actions and attitude toward ourselves. By putting signs out there that you are a rescuer and will sacrifice yourself to help others, you attract the sort of people who want to be rescued and for whom it has to be all about them—not a balanced relationship.

    Then, you have made it a self-fulfilling prophecy, by effectively bringing about what you always complain that you attract: people who take advantage of your good nature.

    Here, it is useful to question whether they have really taken everything we have or if we have voluntarily given it all to them. Yes, they have played a part, but we can’t change them. We only have control over our own actions, so what part did we play?

    Also, although this can be hard to hear, there is always a pay-off for us. Is it that you always get to be the “nice guy” or the “victim”? Take a long hard look now…

    5. We expect others to take care of us.

    While we might believe that our actions are purely altruistic and caring, are we actually expecting something in return?

    I have previously been guilty of giving everything and believing I was being nice, but then feeling resentful when they inevitably didn’t give back in equal measure.

    I complained to my friends that this or that person didn’t give me enough (and, in some cases, I wouldn’t have been wrong!) It’s easy to complain about what others aren’t doing. It’s hard to accept that we have chosen to give all our love to them and keep none for ourselves, expecting them to fill a gap they couldn’t fill, because it was our own self-esteem that was missing.

    Yes, somebody may take advantage of your caring nature, but if you lie down to be walked on, you can’t be surprised when people treat you like a doormat. Your self-care is your responsibility, nobody else’s.

    6. We don’t realize our worth.

    Ultimately, it boils down to the fact that we think others are worth more than us. If we are confident in our love for ourselves and treat ourselves as if we are worthy, then that is what we will attract back.

    Yes, I’m afraid it comes down to that whole self-love thing again! There is a reason why this is a cliché, though, because the key to meaningful relationships really is to love ourselves first.

    So, What Does Self-Care Look Like?

    Self-care is essential for us all, but looks different from person to person. We are all individuals with different preferences. Listen to your inner voice to find out what makes you content. Sometimes we can’t even hear our own inner voice because we are so busy anticipating the needs of those we care about, so you might have to listen carefully at first.

    Below is my own personal list of self-care practices. I hope it gives you some inspiration for ways to take care of yourself.

    I commit to:

    1. Being fully in and embracing the present moment—mindful living

    2. Preparing and eating three healthy meals a day, avoiding sugar fixes

    3. Getting outside every day

    4. Exercising every day

    5. Doing something I enjoy every day—being creative

    6. Spending time with positive people

    7. Setting healthy boundaries—saying no more often

    8. Identifying negative self-talk and changing it to positive

    9. Pausing before reacting—do I really want to do this?

    10. Getting one thing done every day, and celebrating this achievement

    11. Looking after my health, body, skin, hair, teeth—regular appointments

    12. Being grateful—starting each day with at least three things I am thankful for

    13. Regular yoga and meditation

    14. Laughing more and starting the day with a smile

    15. Singing or dancing whenever possible

    16. Having more fun and taking life less seriously

    17. Treating myself with love and compassion—being my own best friend

    18. Focusing on myself and prioritizing my needs—not focusing on the lives of others

    19. Spending time alone and being still every day

    20. Being my authentic self, not what others want me to be

    21. Listening to my inner voice/intuition and doing what feels right for me

    22. Avoiding over-analyzing a situation

    23. Limiting my time on Facebook

    24. Not worrying about what other people think about me

    25. Getting a good sleep every night

    26. Being patient with myself

    27. My self-development, no matter how challenging

    What’s your most important self-care practice?

  • 3 Ways You May Be Undermining Your Self-Worth (And How to Stop)

    3 Ways You May Be Undermining Your Self-Worth (And How to Stop)

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    Self-worth comes from knowing that you are enough, just as you are. You are inherently worthy, and you don’t need anyone else’s approval.

    I didn’t always hold myself in high regard, or treat myself with the respect I deserved. I’m now in my thirties and live a beautiful life filled with self-love, kindness, and passion, but in my younger years I suffered from low self-worth.

    I had my fair share of life lessons and allowed myself to be treated poorly.

    I begged for love from a partner who was repeatedly unfaithful, holding onto hope that somehow he would change.

    I criticized my perfectly healthy and beautiful body, wishing it were different, and endlessly compared it to how others’ bodies.

    I also unconsciously bought into the belief that it was selfish to look after myself rather than seeing it as an essential part of supporting myself.

    I spent years being my own worst critic, and I couldn’t understand how to become my own best friend.

    I now recognize that I was desperately craving love and attention, but was withholding it from myself. I had forgotten my inherent power and worthiness.

    We all have times when we get caught up in routines and behaviors that don’t support us, yet we have the ability to make changes in our lives. We are never powerless. Once we understand where we might be hurting ourselves, it becomes much easier to know how to step up and support ourselves.

    Here are three ways you may be undermining your own self-worth, and how you can stop.

    1. Stop focusing on what is wrong with you.

    Most of us have a tendency to focus on what is wrong with us, and what it is we want to “fix.” We may focus on the fact that we think we are too big, too shy, not pretty enough, or not capable enough. There is no end to the ways we can critique ourselves! We unconsciously get into the mental routine of continually undermining our own self-worth.

    As a teenager, I struggled with my body image. Tragically, I look back and recognize that I had no reason to, but at the time I was comparing myself to the glossy images in magazines and other people who looked nothing like me.

    I hated my fair skin, was unhappy that my thighs touched, and thought my lips were too thin. I wanted to be a beautiful person, but thought of myself as anything but. I was relying purely on my physical appearance for my self-worth.

    Over the last fifteen years I’ve built a beautiful relationship with my body, and also with my soul. I now see my body as an amazing creation that allows me to experience life. I am grateful for my beating heart and two legs that hold me steady. I also recognize that I have a caring and kind nature, and those internal attributes are much more important than how I look on the outside.

    The lesson: Consciously focus on what is right with you.

    Regardless of how you might want to improve, you have things that are worth celebrating about yourself. You have gifts and unique talents that have come together to create you—a unique expression of humanity.

    Don’t overlook how amazing that is. Remember all the things you love about yourself and make a list. If you find it difficult to bring to mind the things that are so very right with you, ask a close friend what it is they appreciate about you and truly listen to and believe their response.

    2. Stop accepting less than you deserve.

    Many of us look for our self-worth in the wrong places. Rather than deriving it from ourselves, it’s easy to get into the habit of looking to others to make us feel worthy and loved. This can lead to struggling stand up for yourself and what, deep down, you know you deserve.

    By not wanting to upset others, you may end up giving too generously and find yourself in relationships where you feel you do not get enough in return.

    I have fallen into this trap in many relationships over the years. With friends, I would desperately make sure I paid for things to ensure I was never in debt to anyone, and always ended up spending more.

    I stayed in an unhealthy relationship littered with infidelity for years longer than I should have because I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself and say, “How you are treating me is not okay.” It leads to feelings of frustration and resentment, and erodes your self-worth.

    My need to be liked and keep others happy led to situations where others took advantage of my good nature. I forgot it was my birthright to have boundaries, and that I didn’t have to put up with other people’s bad behavior. I had forgotten my power to say no.

    The lesson: You teach people how to treat you.

    Boundaries are important, and if something doesn’t feel right to you, you have to stand up for yourself and say no—whether it is someone’s behavior that’s crossed a line, or their ongoing expectations of your giving nature. You cannot expect anyone else to look out for your needs if you are not willing to first look out for yourself.

    If you tolerate negative situations or draining friendships, you are unconsciously saying yes to that type of behavior.

    Give yourself the space to reflect on your current relationships and have the courage to ask, “Do I feel I am treated as I deserve?” If the answer is no, don’t be afraid to reclaim your self-worth and stand up for what you need. You’ll feel better in the long run.

    3. Stop putting yourself at the bottom of your to-do list.

    Many of us have unconsciously taken on the belief that looking after ourselves is indulgent and selfish, and that the right thing to do is to take care of everyone else first. We put our own well-being at the bottom of our to-do lists and just hope that we might have some time and energy left to give to ourselves.

    Yet, if we don’t nourish ourselves, we won’t actually have anything to give. You cannot pour from an empty cup. When you put yourself at the bottom of your to-do list, you begin to burnout. You get sucked into a cycle of exhaustion, martyrdom, and low self-worth.

    Although I always had a tendency to give to others before myself, this wasn’t a lesson I was truly faced with until I had children in my late twenties. When there are multiple people relying on you, it becomes very easy to slip into martyrdom and begin to believe you have no time for yourself. After a couple of years of this routine, I reached a breaking point where I felt burned out and depleted.

    Slowly but surely, I began to start finding the time for small acts of self-care that revived and restored my spirit.

    I found an outlet for my creativity by starting a blog; I began reading again and regularly taking long hot showers. They were small things that made a big difference. I went from feeling rundown, exhausted, and unsure of my worth, to remembering the things that made me feel alive, energized and whole.

    The lesson: Recognize that self-care is an essential part of supporting yourself.

    When you show yourself respect by prioritizing your needs, and fill up your own cup, you send yourself a message that you are important and worthy.

    By consistently showing yourself this level of respect, you can pull yourself out of the cycle of exhaustion and martyrdom and begin to build self-worth. We each have different things that fill us up and make us feel alive and well inside, but you owe it to yourself to discover these things and make time for them in your life.

    —

    Cultivating self-worth will be a life-long journey for most of us. It is likely that many times over, life will knock our confidence and we will be required to once again dig deep into ourselves and uncover our inherent worthiness. Being aware of how we can support ourselves empowers us to take actions that will move us forward on the path to greater self-worth.

  • Stop Pushing Yourself So Hard: 8 Ways to De-Stress Your Mind and Body

    Stop Pushing Yourself So Hard: 8 Ways to De-Stress Your Mind and Body

    Peaceful Woman

    “Self-care is not selfish or self-indulgent. We cannot nurture others from a dry well. We need to take care of our own needs first, and then we can give from our surplus, our abundance.” ~Jennifer Louden

    I have always been really driven. I readily admit that I am an overachiever, and I have the capacity to burn the candle at both ends.

    Following my dreams and creating what I imagine is my destiny takes work, real work, so I can easily spend way too many hours a day striving to bring my visions into reality.

    I am hardwired to push myself naturally. I am quite certain it is a gene that I have inherited from my dad. I don’t seem to have an off switch, and that fuels me to fit as much as I possibly can into twenty-four hours.

    Two years ago my off switch was shut down for me without my consent.

    My world and my body were shaken and shattered into a million pieces in what seemed like a heartbeat.

    Back then, I lived in a beautiful two-story home. One morning, as I headed out for my morning run, I fell down my steep internal staircase. One minute I was standing on the top step, and then the next minute I was lying at the bottom.

    I suffered all sorts of injuries. Some of those injuries healed quickly, and some will stay with me for the rest of my life. But on the flip side, my fall from grace has reminded me to slow down, smell the roses, and practice self-care every single day.

    I often look back and ask myself, was my fall perhaps the Universe’s way of nudging me, or rather throwing me, into a place where I had no choice but to nurture and heal myself?

    Being forced to completely stop gave me the opportunity to re-evaluate my entire life. I had always taken care of myself, but when I look back, I recognize it was only on the surface. I had never stopped for long enough to prioritize wellness on every level.

    Though it can be challenging to find time to practice self-care, we all need to nurture ourselves—emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

    In retrospect, I’m grateful for my accident, as it taught me to really take care of myself. If you too are pushing yourself too hard—and rushing through life as a result—I highly recommend you (slowly) take the following steps.

    1. Take ownership.

    I learned that I must take personal responsibility for my wellness. We all need to do this.

    I don’t mean just taking a break when we are exhausted, rundown, or overwhelmed, or when we hit rock bottom—or in my case, the bottom of the staircase! We need to form and maintain healthy habits that enable us to thrive. No one else can do this for us.

    2. Commit.

    In order to maintain optimum good health on every level, I have had to accept that it requires a degree of commitment and discipline. It is often when we lose something so precious, like the ability to move or to walk unaided, that we really appreciate what so many take for granted.

    Do some trial and error to identify the self-care practices that help you function at your best—meditation, short walks, getting out in nature; anything that helps you recharge physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Then schedule these activities into your day.

    It might help to start with five or ten-minute activities so it doesn’t feel too overwhelming. The important thing is that you do something each day, no matter how small.

    3. Practice mindfulness.

    Mindfulness forms the foundation of self-care, because we’re only able to identify our needs when we’re present in our bodies. I wasn’t mindful on the day of my accident, and that’s why I didn’t realize I needed to slow down.

    Mindfulness also nourishes our spirit by rooting us in the present moment. By practicing mindfulness, we become engaged with our surroundings.

    The best way I know how to practice mindfulness is through meditation. Meditation has given me a sense of calm, peace, and balance. It supports my emotional well-being and my overall health. What’s not to love about that?

    4. Take breaks for deep breathing.

    I now take regular mini breathing breaks throughout my day. Breathing is the connection between mind, body, and spirit. Taking a few deep breaths over the course of the day and deeply inhaling and exhaling energizes me.

    When I breathe in now, I fill myself with gratitude for my life.

    When I breathe out, I let go of all the unnecessary demands that I place on myself.

    Schedule a few times throughout your day when you can close your eyes and take a few deep, cleansing breaths. It’s a simple practice that you can do anywhere, at any time, yet it can profoundly affect your state of mind, creating peace, calm, and clarity.

    5. Nourish your spirit.

    We often think of self-care as diet and exercise, but it’s equally important to nurture our spirit. For me, this involves getting outside and enjoying nature—a leisurely walk at sunrise or sunset, a swim in the ocean, or even just stepping outside into the fresh air and stopping to acknowledge how truly miraculous the world is. It is the simplest of acts that now fill my spirit with light.

    6. Beware the “busy life.”

    We seem to wear busyness like a badge of honor nowadays. Often, being busy just creates the illusion of being successful, but how successful can we really be when we’re stressed, exhausted, physically and mentally depleted, and missing out on opportunities for joy in our daily life?

    We may have responsibilities and obligations, but we all have the power to scale back. It might not be easy, but it’s possible. I don’t know about you, but I refuse to use being too busy as an excuse for living a beautiful life.

    7. Keep it simple.

    It is often only when we finally slow down that we’re able to recognize all the chaos that can fill our world. Keeping life simple is now a priority.

    I have removed blockages, obstacles, and any hurdles that may trip me up and stop me from moving forward. I can see clearly now and I am open to accepting more love, laughter, joy, and happiness into my world.

    Recognize all the unnecessary hurdles you’ve placed on your own path. Where can you simplify or scale back? Where are you creating unnecessary stress or drama in your life? What would you need to let go of or do differently to create a simpler life, with more time for yourself?

    8. Recognize and eliminate energy drains.

    When you are exhausted from a challenging situation, and your energy is depleted, it is vital that you learn to manage and replenish your energy—mind, body, and spirit—so that you can recover quickly.

    While I was recovering from my injuries, I had time to evaluate who and what drained my energy. I have learned to manage my energy daily, like I would manage my finances. I no longer invest my time and energy into anything that does not give me a positive return.

    What drains your energy? What habits, activities, or relationships aren’t healthy for you? What, if eliminated, would provide a huge sense of relief?

    —

    I received a huge gift after the fall—the kind of gift that can only be received when you are ready and open to acknowledging that there is actually always a gift in even the most challenging of circumstances.

    My gift was a huge reminder that life is precious and should never be taken for granted.

    I am worthy of self-love and self-care every day. We all are. For every positive choice we make, we support our mind, body, and spirit. Self-care fuels us with the strength and energy we need to achieve all of our dreams.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Use Self-Care for a Brighter, Less Stressful Life

    How to Use Self-Care for a Brighter, Less Stressful Life

    Girl Doing Yoga

    “The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” ~Sydney Harris

    I was working myself into the ground and I knew it. Balancing a full-time job, my fledgling business, studies, home life, and relationships, I was constantly feeling the pressure and slowly, the cracks were showing.

    I was exhausted, I was argumentative, I wasn’t taking care of my health, and my business had transformed from my creative outlet to a source of incredible stress.

    I kept thinking, “I just need one day to relax, just one day!” but even when I had the chance, I couldn’t let go of the pressure I was allowing to take over my life. I felt like I was stuck in a never-ending cycle and I couldn’t escape.

    Of course, I knew I needed to take better care of myself and my health. Deliberately not getting enough sleep so I could work more, skipping yoga to write articles, eating breakfast at lunch time and relying on coffee could only ever take me so far.

    Eventually, I realized that if I wanted to create a life I loved, I needed to start taking self-care a little more seriously. Even though I was ticking the boxes professionally and in my business, I knew I wanted so much more that that.

    What about adventure? What about long baths and good books? What about eating regularly and moving my body? What about sleeping in and taking my dog for walks? I was replacing all of these things that light me up with a cycle of stress, fear, and overwhelm.

    It was time to change.

    I started off small, with a daily five-minute meditation. I figured that no matter what was happening, I could take just five minutes for myself each day!

    After a couple of days, I started to notice how much I was looking forward to my meditations. They refreshed and refocused my mind, uplifted my spirits, and gave me the chance I needed to take a break (even if it was for just a short time).

    As I noticed how these meditations positively affected the way I felt, the way I worked, and the way I thought, I decided it was time to dive deep into this mindful, self-care thing. And I haven’t looked back.

    To bring more mindfulness and self-care into your own life (even when you’re busy!), feel free to try the tips below!

    Take a deep breath, regularly.

    It really is amazing what a simple breath can do! Whenever I’m starting to feel overwhelmed or stressed, my first act of self-care is to take one deep breath. Straight away, I feel any tension in my body begin to release.

    Sometimes that simple breath is enough to refresh and refocus. Sometimes I feel like I need to take a few more breaths. Sometimes I realize that I need a proper break because I’m feeling so overwhelmed that I won’t be doing my best work anyway.

    The beauty of taking a deep breath is that it’s one of the shortest forms of self-care I know! Even if I were to practice it fifty times a day, it would still only take a minute or two, altogether.

    The other wonderful thing about deep breathing is that you can do it anywhere, at anytime. Whether you’re halfway through an exciting meeting, on the cusp of finishing a project, dealing with conflict, or anything in between, you can allow yourself to take that little bit of time to breathe.

    Journal with gratitude.

    Embracing gratitude is another simple way to show yourself some meaningful self-care and inject happiness into your day. I noticed that the more I looked for things to be grateful for, the more I found.

    The wonderful thing about keeping a gratitude journal is that it starts to train your mind to notice the good in your life. Whether you have a safe home, access to nutritious food, an encouraging support network, a healthy body, a beloved pet, or a stable job, gratitude helps you to acknowledge those wonderful things.

    Before I started deliberately practicing gratitude, it was natural for me to focus on the negative aspects of my life because I believed that’s how I would fix them.

    If I kept thinking about not having enough money, it would drive me to make more. If I focused on not going to the gym often enough, I would guilt myself into showing up. If I noticed the things which weren’t going well at work, I would motivate myself to make meaningful changes.

    While that kind of thinking can be useful sometimes, it’s important to keep our eyes open to the good things, too. Our strengths. Our family and friends. Realizing that even if we want more, we actually do have enough.

    Simply note down a few things you’re grateful for at the end of each day to start flexing that powerful gratitude muscle!

    Listen to your body and its needs.

    You know when you’re exhausted, but there’s just one more email to answer? Then, you realize that the dishes need to be washed. And you really should take a shower… Suddenly, it’s after midnight and your alarm is set to go off in less than six hours and just the thought of another exhausting day tomorrow is enough to make you want to cry.

    It doesn’t have to be like that.

    Yes, life gets busy. There might be lots of things to do. However, I noticed that my life started to feel a whole lot lighter when I decided to prioritize my needs above everything else.

    When I’m tired, I try to head to bed early or take a nap. When I’m hungry, I eat. When I’m feeling particularly stressed, I go to yoga or meditate.

    All I had to do was start listening to my body and choosing to honor what it was telling me.

    After all, the emails can wait until morning, I can ask someone else to do the dishes and as for a shower—well, that’s what dry shampoo and deodorant is for!

    Learn to say no.

    There’s a big reason why I often had so much going on that I felt like I was drowning—I just couldn’t say no.

    Not only did I struggle to say no to others, I also found it harder to say no to myself. New idea for an upgrade to my website? Sure. Home-cooked meal and dessert? Why not. Exercise? Of course.

    Learning to say no to others, but more importantly, to myself, was one of the biggest stress relievers and forms of self-care I’ve found.

    It’s quite simple, really. “No, thank you.” You’re allowed to say it! You know you want to…

    Go for a mindful walk.

    Sometimes, we just need a good, old break. Time to be alone, away from technology, in nature and in the moment.

    There are several ways to go for a mindful walk, but my favorite method is to really tune into my sense of sight.

    You can easily try this, too. When you go for a walk, notice all the things you can see. What colors are there around you? What have you not seen before? What does the weather look like? Which natural things do you notice? What about man-made things?

    Simply choose to experience the wealth of sights around you for a refreshing, mindful walk.

    Bonus tip: Remember, you’re in charge, here.

    If self-care is something you want, or need, then go for it! Do what feels good for you, lights you up, and reduces stress and overwhelm.

    If one minute a day is all you can manage, that’s okay!

    If you need a week to unwind, take a break and do some of your favorite things, that’s okay, too!

    It’s entirely up to you.

    Girl doing yoga image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Ways to Feel Better in Your Body

    5 Ways to Feel Better in Your Body

    Woman raising arms

    “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” ~Maya Angelou

    We’re bombarded by advertisements that tell us if we’re thin, we’ll love ourselves. If we suddenly look a certain way, all our worries will vanish.

    I’ve always been thin without really having to work at it—well, in my younger days at least.

    Yes, I was skinny, but that didn’t mean I was happy. I was suffering from depression, had terrible skin, and just felt awful in my body.

    Being a “perfect” size is not what will make you happy, because happiness isn’t about how you look or how much you weigh; it’s about how you feel about yourself and how you feel in your own skin.

    One day I went shopping for a wedding dress and I was so depressed afterward that I swallowed most of my prescribed medication.

    All I wanted to do was sleep, and sleep I did.

    When I woke up I was hooked up to tubes and lying in a hospital bed. This was a major wake-up call for me. I was ashamed, and also mortified of how this was going to look.

    Again, I was focusing on other people’s opinion of me, and not enough on how I felt inside.

    After the overdose I knew I could take one of two different roads. I could go back to the way I was without making any changes and hope for the best, or I could take responsibility for where my life was and where I wanted it to go.

    I chose the one leading me to freedom and to feeling good about myself, both inside and out.

    Once I took down the filters and mental shackles that were holding me down, I started to see how good I could feel. It had nothing to do with how I looked, but rather how much love I gave myself.

    Body love has to do with how we feel about ourselves from the inside out.

    How did I get to “better”? A lot of self-healing, dedication, being totally honest with myself about what I required to feel good, and getting real about what my body needed to thrive.

    5 Steps to Feeling Better in Your Body

    1. Forgiveness

    I felt so much shame and guilt because of the things I had done, and these feeling kept me stuck in an unhealthy pattern until I forgave myself.

    I forgave myself for letting myself go, for not believing in myself, for being addicted to foods and habits that brought me down, for not having confidence or knowing my value, and for not using my strengths or working on my weaknesses.

    Guilt and shame bring negative energy and will just keep you stuck. Period!

    Forgiveness helps you let go of the past and enables you to focus on making healthy choices in the present.

    2. Self-love

    Before, I didn’t love or respect myself. No matter how great I looked, I would always find fault. I was putting my value on outside appearances to feel validated. If I didn’t look a certain way, that meant I was unlovable.

    Self-love doesn’t mean you can let yourself go. It means you have enough appreciation and value for yourself to create habits that nourish your soul and your growth.

    We show self-love by what we feed ourselves, by what we choose to say or think about ourselves, and by forgiving ourselves when we slip.

    Without having this sense of respect and appreciation for ourselves, no matter how we look, we will always feel a void.

    3. Self-awareness

    We have so much information coming at us, lots of different views and perspectives. Question everything and become aware of what you need—what your body needs to thrive and what feels good.

    Does it need more movement or more fresh air? If it’s not feeling the way you want it to feel, listen.

    It has nothing to do with trying to look a certain way just because the media says so; it has to do with paying attention to how you’re feeling and being rooted within your body. Our bodies aren’t separate from us; they’re part of us, and we need to pay attention to them.

    A funny thing that happens when you become aware—you care a lot less about other people’s opinions, stop taking on their beliefs as your own, and develop more confidence in yourself.

    4. Self-care

    Back then I didn’t know food affected my moods, so my diet consisted mostly of fast food and junk food. I wasn’t taking care of my body by working out, nor was I paying attention to my emotional needs.

    Our bodies give us signals to let us know what they need. We may feel tired or sluggish when we need more sleep or water. We may get headaches or light-headedness when we need a stress-relieving practice, like yoga or meditation. Until we pay attention and work with them, we’ll always feel an imbalance.

    5. Consistency

    It’s not what we do once in a while that brings change, but what we do consistently—day in and day out, when we feel like it and especially when we don’t.

    I grew up on junk food; this was a tough habit to break. It was the consistency of me eating healthy every day that made the cravings go away, so much that it turns me off to even smell junk food now. This wasn’t deprivation; this was pushing through my short-term resistance so I could feel better in the long term.

    —

    Instead of focusing on being a certain weight, let’s focus on real health, inside and out. Chances are when you’re living an intentional life, and feeling happier and better in your skin, owning a scale won’t even be on your radar!

    Woman raising arms image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Powerful Practices to Take Good Care of Yourself

    10 Powerful Practices to Take Good Care of Yourself

    Woman Meditating

    “You don’t pass or fail at being a person, dear.” ~Neil Gaiman

    I discovered my spiritual path early. As a teenager I would read my mother’s self-help books. I spent most of my twenties actively pursuing self-development by studying, attending workshops, and going on retreats all over the world.

    At the time, I thought I was searching for happiness and inner peace. I see now that I bought into a rigid idea of what a ‘spiritual person’ was and tried to live up to that.

    My inner world was not happy or peaceful. The way I treated myself was far from soulful. In fact, it was down right abusive.

    I thought I needed ‘fixing’ because even after all the learning and work I had done, I would still beat myself up whenever I wasn’t perfect. My internal story about myself continued to be judgmental and negative, and I remained fixated on gathering evidence to prove I wasn’t good enough.

    Over a decade later, I was married with a child and had gained many qualifications that helped solidify a life without self-abuse. It didn’t occur to me until I had my second child—nine years after my first—that I wasn’t really being nurturing or caring toward myself either.

    I knew I was doing something right, because my experience the second time around was completely different; it was a lot more joyful.

    I reflected on exactly what the difference was between my two experiences. I came to realize that the answer was me.

    I had changed so much—my thoughts, my expectations, my beliefs, the way I responded to emotions and stress, all of which had a flow-on effect that influenced everything else in my life.

    Then something so minuscule happened. I would escape the house and my newborn for thirty minutes, once a week to read an inspirational Tiny Buddha article over coffee.

    This was enough to keep me ‘topped up’ so I wasn’t completely depleting myself while caring for my family during those first few months. No big revelation really that taking time out for yourself is going to be a good thing.

    Yet, this simple act had such a huge impact on me. I really started focusing on self-care. It became an intention.

    Instead of forcing myself to exercise and lose weight, I listened to what my body needed (as a result I didn’t beat myself up if exercise wasn’t achieved).

    I stopped expecting myself to complete everything on my to-do list.

    I questioned certain beliefs (like defining what being a mother, wife, and woman meant to me).

    If any unkindness about myself crept into my thoughts, I challenged it. If there was some truth to the thought, I met that with acceptance, which invoked a compassion that wasn’t present before.

    I started paying attention to what was different from a good day to a bad day. I explored when I felt pain and suffering trying to locate why it was there (hint: usually when reality was different from what I wanted it to be). All this eventually turned into an inner practice for me.

    An inner practice doesn’t tell you what to think, or what to do. It invites you to explore how you think, and why you do something (or don’t do it).

    Here are some tips for creating your own inner practice:

    1. Connect with yourself.

    Self-awareness is being able to explore aspects of yourself with curiosity instead of judgment. Once we develop this ability we can deepen the connection we have with ourselves—not just our mental self, but emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

    2. Connect with acceptance.

    Acknowledge what’s true about yourself, today, in this moment, exactly as you are—without seeking to immediately change anything. This is acceptance.

    Ignoring, rejecting, or refusing to acknowledge any part of yourself will never bring about effective change. Acceptance brings the possibility of transformation. A caterpillar transforms into a butterfly; it doesn’t change into one or become a better caterpillar. When we practice self-care, transformation shows up in our life.

    3. Connect with self-kindness. 

    Offer yourself kindness. You are not any less special from anyone else on the planet, so why would you show others kindness and not yourself? Is abuse toward anyone (including yourself) ever acceptable?

    You have a choice whether you meet your inner world with kindness, ambivalence, or meanness. (Tip: life is easier with kindness in it).

    4. Connect with self-compassion.

    Have compassion for yourself when you aren’t able to achieve kindness. Acknowledge your flaws, faults, and failing by meeting them with compassion.

    Either being human and judgment go hand-in-hand, or you align yourself with being human and compassionate. Which would you rather? Only one can exist at a time.

    5. Connect with your needs.

    Most of us spend our lives caring for others. Sometimes we sacrifice our own needs, but is it really the grand loving gesture we convince ourselves it is? Do you over-give to others so you don’t have to listen to what might be lacking in your life?

    What do you need physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually? What do you feel deprived of?

    We have to decide that our needs are non-negotiable and put boundaries in place to ensure that we receive what is vital for our well-being.

    If you asked yourself how your life would be different if your needs were met, the answer would be a positive one. (Although it is important to note that needs and wants are completely different things).

    6. Connect with your thoughts.  

    If we have been unkind to ourselves for a long time, it can take a while to break that habit. Being aware of your thoughts gives you the opportunity to choose whether they are true or not. You should challenge a thought’s truth, kindness, and purpose.

    Sometimes we aren’t even aware of how a single thought can ruin a good mood. For example, have you ever looked at a photo of yourself from a few years ago and thought, I was much prettier /slimmer/ happier/more fun, then? Wouldn’t you think it was a bit rude if a friend said those same things to you?

    Or, do you place your future self on a pedestal like I used to. Future Belinda had achieved so much more than me; she was way more confident, wiser, more spiritual, happier, and healthier. It’s so unkind (and painful) to compare yourself to a version of you that doesn’t exist.

    7. Connect with your beliefs.

    Sometimes our feelings don’t match what our logical brain is telling us. When this happens, the answer often to that contradiction lies in our beliefs.

    We formed a lot of our beliefs about the world as children. As adults we can still unconditionally continue to believe what a child interpreted as truth.

    Self-care is exploring what beliefs you hold—giving yourself the option of whether you wish to continue to believe them or not. Start with your beliefs about self-care—do you think that it’s selfish or self-preservation?

    8. Connect with your expectations. 

    Our expectations can change the way we view everything in our life. I notice that on days I am able to completely disable my expectations, I usually have a really good day because there are no conditions placed upon it.

    What happens if you don’t achieve the expectations you place on yourself? Why is the expectation there? Self-care is ensuring that your expectations serve you—not you serving them.

    9. Connect with your wants.

    There is a gap between how things are now and how we want them to be. Sometimes we fill this gap with worry, pain, and stress.

    Explore this gap between what is and what you want. What exactly would you like to be different? What would be useful to help narrow this gap?

    10. Connect with your intention. 

    Intention is behind everything we do. For one day, one week, or one month, make your main intention self-care.

    That means that every decision you make is with the conscious intention of doing what is best for you and your health. Do you think that you would make the same choices? How would life be different?

    —

    We are all perfectly imperfect, so we are going to temporarily fail at some point. The main thing to remember when creating any practice is: begin, continue, and repeat.

    Woman meditating image via Shutterstock

  • It’s Not Selfish to Do What’s Best for You

    It’s Not Selfish to Do What’s Best for You

    It's Not Selfish

    Source: Spirit Science

  • How to Kickstart a Healthy Habit When You’ve Gotten Off Track

    How to Kickstart a Healthy Habit When You’ve Gotten Off Track

    Man Meditating

    “Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn’t matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” ~Rumi

    Our spiritual, meditative, or other self-care practices can easily be interrupted, back burnered, or seemingly lost when one of life’s whammies happen.

    Sickness has thrown me off track more times than I care to count. Coming down with something again, swirling in negativity because once again my body had failed me, my immune system weak, I could not perform in the world the way I wanted for myself or for others.

    I was angry at sickness, couldn’t feed myself any nurturance, just wanted it to go away, and would stay mad until it did.

    I know that my over-the-top reaction to being sick has deep roots that require healing, and I’m working on it. But nothing propelled me faster into healing my mental baggage about being sick than my meditation practice when I did it during the down times.

    A teacher once asked me, “Do you meditate when you’re sick?”

    The question was profound and caused a resounding no. When rudely interrupted by sickness, I hadn’t yet fully grasped the concept of bringing all I am in the moment to meditation. Meditating while sick: remarkable, the bridge between a seemingly intractable mind state and a shift toward healing.

    It’s that it just wasn’t okay to be sick. As a mom to young children, it was not something I had time for. And I didn’t just get the sniffles or a little two-day thing; it was years of knock-down, drag-out, week-long illnesses that followed one after the other, sometimes with high fevers and flu symptoms. This brought me to despair.

    In meditation, I had the space to explore and acknowledge the roots of this despair, and my all-or-nothing thinking: “Oh no, I’m sick again, the world is going to collapse” held some painful attachments for me.

    I had to hold it all together. Who else would do it for me? How would I get my work done? How could I prove I was worth something if I wasn’t doing, being, making, becoming?

    My self-worth was wrapped up in how much I could do, clean, produce, or make right in the world. Self-care was just another “to-do list” item rather than a true refuge.

    At the time I was reading a lot about meditation but not quite doing it regularly yet. Life sure changed when I got out of the book and onto the meditation cushion!

    Since that low point in my well-being I’ve gotten a lot better. I’ve not only taken care of a lot of what was causing such immune system blowouts, but also healed my sleep problems through my meditation practice.

    Now that my kids are older I have the time to prioritize self-care. The crown jewel in that self-care is that I’ve become a daily meditator. And yes, I now meditate when I’m sick. What a difference.

    When you start doing your practice even when you’re sick, down, interrupted, or off kilter in some way, you know you have a true refuge in that practice. It may take you places that surprise you.

    Your practice may look different when you’re sick or going through a hard time. It might be shorter, smaller, softer. 

    Part of the self-care involved here is being flexible, and loving enough to yourself to give yourself the amended version, the lying down version, the restorative version. To know when it’s time for that and know that your practice is wide enough to encompass that flexibility.

    Your practice is not a narrow way of having to always be the same, or a measuring stick of how well you performed it that day.

    I still get sick and I still have that same old negative thinking crop up, a deeply rutted neural pathway that I luckily now know how to practice re-routing.

    I try to acknowledge that the voice of panic and negativity needs nurturance, rest, and meditation, even when in the past that voice has been my torturer and enemy.

    Your practice has healing and goodness for you that you can’t conceive of when you’re down. You don’t have to have a performance, just a practice. Some of these practices have been around for thousands of years for a reason—they work! And they work despite our protesting minds.

    Using a mantra to feed myself loving and healing words, lying down and listening to a guided meditation, allowing myself true rest while practicing the most basic of meditations—just watching my breath without engaging in the ups and downs of my thoughts—are all ways to still stay connected to my positive feelings despite the negative feelings being sick dredges up for me.

    It’s a whole new world to contemplate positive practices in times of sickness and derailment.

    Many things can pull us off track: family obligations, travel, stress, life’s unexpected difficulties. During all these times a little taste of the habit that has given us so much refuge can be a real comfort.

    I’ve had the great privilege of partnering in meditation with chronically ill and dying people. They were great teachers to me, showing me, in depth, that the practices we abandon in difficult times are the very things we need to comfort us the most.

    My practice doesn’t ask me to be perfect; it asks me to notice what’s going on and give to myself from its endless bounty of positivity and transformation, even when times are tough.

    No matter how long we’ve been away or how serious the interruption, there is a way to bring healthy habits and self-care practices back into our lives.

    Thoughts for bringing an interrupted practice back into your life after difficulty:

    1. Start small.

    Don’t make crushing goals that are all about self-improvement. If you used to meditate, exercise, or practice yoga for half an hour but your practice stopped or feels derailed, take it back down to five, ten, fifteen minutes, whatever is do-able and can set you up for success.

    There’s no pass or fail, here. Start somewhere and let that be good enough. It is good enough.

    2. Practice self-compassion.

    Life can throw us. Coming back to meditation or self-care is an act of self-compassion in the midst of turmoil. Have compassion for yourself, acknowledging that whatever happened that made you abandon your practice was difficult. You deserve compassion, not chastisement.

    3. Let your practice work for you.

    Maybe you’ve changed, maybe what you need and how you do it has changed. It’s okay if you don’t want to or can’t do it the way you used to. Maybe this is an invitation to find something that fits your life better now.

    4. Have the intention to return tomorrow and the next day.

    Setting small goals or intentions can be real movements toward self-care.

    Interruptions happen, whether it’s the phone ringing, a sick day, or a tragedy.

    You can return to your practice even in the imperfect world going on around you. You can choose to come back no matter how long you’ve been away.

    5. Know that you can rebuild.

    Most practitioners in their lifetime have had doubts, interruptions, path changes, and life changes that took them away from a practice at times. These can also be open doors that point you toward a new direction.

    6. Being on the road to making a discipline out of it will change your life.

    As you consider setting small goals and intentions for your newly re-hatched practice, know that the best way to nurture all the benefits it gives you is to return, often. You can have a practice that feels like a refuge.

    7. Find something you enjoy and do it in an enjoyable way.

    Look for a teacher, class, or method that speaks to you if you need a little inspiration or guidance after time away.

    Life is going to interrupt us, sometimes rudely. Having healthy habits and self-care practices to fall back on can be a lifeline. We don’t need to judge ourselves for why and how we fell away, we only need to return.

    Man meditating image via Shutterstock

  • We Have to Love Ourselves Enough to Say No Sometimes

    We Have to Love Ourselves Enough to Say No Sometimes

    Hands in Heart Shape

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    I’m a people pleaser. I know so many of us are. We want to see everyone around us happy and do our best to make this happen. This can mean anything from being kind, to offering favors, to lending a helping hand, or simply just being there, being supportive.

    But, it can also mean not knowing how to say no, apologizing incessantly, spending money when we’d rather not, reaching beyond our emotional means, and stretching ourselves so thin we barely have any energy left over for ourselves.

    Disappointing the people we love is one of the worst feelings in the world. I know nothing makes me feel more despondent than realizing I have hurt or let someone down in any way. So I’m conscious of doing my best to give as much of myself as I can in the ways that matter most.

    There’s no better feeling than giving love to others. It makes us feel alive to share in a loving spirit with those around us. It creates feelings of happiness, gratitude, and affection when we see the ones we care about content.

    That’s a wonderful thing. Human connections and sharing love are two of the most essential experiences we can have in life.

    But so often we are so busy giving love to others, we forget to give love to ourselves.

    We hate the idea of denying people the things they want of us, but we don’t think twice when it comes to being honest about our wants and desires, and rejecting them in some way.

    One reason for this is the line of what we genuinely want to do gets blurred with the line of what we feel we should do or have to do. This can be harmful because eventually we may lose sight of what matters most to us.

    By not loving ourselves enough—or at all—we are actually self-sabotaging our lives. We aren’t giving ourselves the permission to live fully, live proudly, and live our destiny.

    I was recently talking to a friend who has spent her life giving all she has to everyone and everything around her—her parents, her husband, her children, her work. She neglected her passions and didn’t listen when the voice inside kept telling her to make different choices.

    Subduing her wants, her desires, and her dreams has taken an emotional toll on her, one that has forced her to make some serious changes.

    Now she’s at a turning point in her life, where she is finally trying to attend to her own needs too. This means going through a divorce, and raising teenagers on her own. It means changing careers, changing habits, and starting fresh.

    At times, she finds this new way of being difficult. She even confided she feels resentful toward the people closest to her because they still expect her to be a certain way since they don’t understand her new behaviors and choices. She’s struggling with finding that balance of being loving to others without losing herself again.

    Love matters. It might be the thing that matters most.

    But we must remember to start with loving ourselves first. We have to love ourselves enough to say no when necessary, to make time for the things that bring us joy, and to live the life we’re dreaming of.

    That certainly doesn’t mean being selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. Not at all. What it does suggest is being self-aware and doing self-check-ins.

    “Love yourself not in some egocentric, self-serving sense but love yourself the way you would love your friend in the sense of taking care of yourself, nourishing yourself, trying to understand, comfort, and strengthen yourself.” ~Frederick Buechner

    We have to love ourselves enough to know that sometimes being a little selfish can help us be more selfless.

    We must practice being kind and patient with ourselves so we can have that same feeling with others.

    We must realize the simple act of listening to our needs and wants, and acknowledging them in an authentic manner, can better help us be that way with the people around us.

    Putting it simply: giving love to ourselves first can help us give more love to others.

    We will be less drained and more energized. We will give in a loving spirit, not a bitter one.

    I gave my friend this same advice. After listening to her, I realized she is still not loving herself enough.

    She feels resentful because while she has made changes in her life, she still is not allowing herself that time and space to breathe and recharge her soul. She feels guilty over some of the changes she’s fought so hard for, instead of embracing and honoring them.

    I understand her struggle since self-love can feel selfish, but when done with the best of intentions for yourself and those around you, there’s nothing wrong with it. In fact, it’s necessary.

    Love can be the greatest gift we give. Love can uplift, inspire, give hope, and change someone’s entire life, including our own. So yes, spread love in as many ways as possible. Show people love in as many ways as you can.

    But in doing that, don’t forget to start with the most important person of all—yourself.

    Hands in heart shape image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Ways to Slow Down and Take Better Care of Yourself

    3 Ways to Slow Down and Take Better Care of Yourself

    Buddha

    “Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    It’s interesting how easily we forget to appreciate the simple day-to-day luxuries that we are granted with our body.

    We assume that as we exhale, there will always be an inhalation to follow.

    We assume that when we lay our head down on our pillow at night, our heart will beat, our blood will flow, and we will open our eyes in the morning.

    We go on day after day, running around with a mile-long to-do list without taking a moment to check in with our body to acknowledge how it’s feeling today.

    Oftentimes, our health and well-being end up last on that list of priorities.

    We pretend we are superhuman, existing on caffeine from Starbucks in place of adequate sleep and snacks from the vending machine in place of meals.

    Maybe (hopefully) you haven’t gotten to this extreme yet, but a lot of us are. And I bet you can relate to this lack of self-care and preservation at least on some level.

    Sorry to burst all of our bubbles, but this style of living is not sustainable (nor is it healthy, but you already knew that). We can’t go on like this, ignoring our health and well-being forever, as hard as we may try.

    When we go-go-go without giving our body the nourishment and care that it needs to thrive, our body begins to give us the sign that it needs attention.

    Hey, take care of me.

    Hey, I need rest.

    Hey, let’s slow down.

    Ahem, I’m serious. I’m really exhausted, foggy, and need some downtime.

    It’s starts out as fatigue, but then we don’t listen. So it gets a little louder, and then louder, until eventually we have no other option but to slow down and rest. Think sickness, or worse, dis-ease.

    I’ve been on this kick lately, talking and thinking a lot about how we measure ourselves up against these standards that are set so high, not even a super hero could measure up.

    We strive for perfection in the eyes of our peers at the expense of our health and true happiness.

    For what? What are we trying to prove? We believe that once we hit that pinnacle of success then we can relax, be happy, be good enough, and will have made it.

    But the reality is that the only finish line is death, and those things that we think are going to finally prove that we are important aren’t. It’s human nature to want more. And chasing validation to prove our worthiness is the biggest “silent killer” of all.

    There is nothing we need to prove to anyone. We are worthy now. Who we are and where we are right now is enough.

    This moment, right here, is where our pot of gold is. We just have to give ourselves permission to see it as so.

    And without our health, how could we ever experience these beautiful things that make life so meaningful?

    It’s often last on our list of priorities, and yet, when you stop and think about it, our health is the most important of all.

    Our body is our vehicle. It is what allows us to experience life. It’s our five senses, our ability to laugh and feel joy, to embrace our loved ones, to share an intimate connection, to sing, to dance, and play.

    There would be no such thing as life without this body. Yet, often we treat it so poorly.

    For years I would treat my body worse than any enemy. I would talk to it with disrespect and hatred. I would say things about my body that I would never in a million years say about a loved one.

    I would deprive it of food, and then binge out of comfort, sometimes on food, other times on alcohol.

    I would go periods without much sleep and not much movement and exercise, and then during other periods of my life I would exercise for hours in hopes of changing the way my body looked because in my eyes, it wasn’t good enough.

    It’s hard for me to think back to the abuse I put my body through. This body that has always been there for me, supporting me through it all.

    This body that today is so vibrant, so alive, so beautiful—to think of how hard I was on it. It just goes to show you how amazing this miracle of a machine the human body truly is. It can recover and rebuild from so much.

    If you can relate and you aren’t sure how to start treating your body the way it deserves to be treated, I am here to help (and as you can see, I speak from experience).

    Here are three steps to upping your self-care game so you can treat your precious body like the gift that it is.

    1. Nourish it.

    I love the word nourishment as it applies to all things related to well-being, healing, and self-care. Nourish your body in every way you can—with nutrient-rich, tasty food, movement, and even mentally, with supportive, loving thoughts.

    ACTION STEP

    Take an inventory of all of these areas (food, movement, thoughts/self-talk). In what ways can you step up your game and choose options that are more nourishing to your body and spirit?

    Make those adjustments and pay attention to the difference in how you feel. Continue to refine and adjust until your life as a whole is filled with experiences and things that fill you up and energize you rather than exhaust you.

    2. Calendar it.

    The key to making time for self-care is treating it like any other VIP appointment. Things like workouts, cooking yourself a nourishing, tasty meal, exercise, massage, time with friends, romantic evenings with your partner, and fun with the kids are all important “fill-you-up” type activities.

    Prioritize your priorities by carving out the time in your schedule for the things that matter to you most.

    ACTION STEP

    Pull out your calendar and take a look at where you spend the majority of your time. Now think about this for a moment: What are your top three priorities?

    Evaluate whether or not the things you spend the majority of your time doing match up with what’s most important to you.

    Make adjustments as necessary to block out time for self-care and the other things that are most important to you in life.

    You may need to bow out of some commitments or hand off some responsibilities that are not important for you yourself to be taking care of, in order to create this space in your schedule for the things that do matter most.

    3. Start single-tasking.

    We multitask a lot, which you probably don’t know is tough on the body. For example, it’s hard for your body to prepare for and focus on the process of eating and digestion when you are trying to do it while driving, reading, or doing any of the other things we try to do while eating.

    Create an environment of ease and relaxation for your body as often as possible, especially while eating.

    I know in this day and age that might seem impossible, but it’s not. The key is in stripping away some of those responsibilities and “trying to measure up” type things we do in order to create more time for being present.

    ACTION STEP

    Multitask less, be present in the moment more. Life is so much more enjoyable when you are engaged and present versus on your phone texting, Facebooking, or talking to somebody that is not even present with you, all of the time.

    So often I look around while I’m at a restaurant and I see tables upon tables of people sitting there across from each other, but rather than connecting, talking, and being present with each other, they are both looking down typing on their phones.

    It’s so confusing to me. Why do we even get together in person if the person we’re with isn’t actually who we want to be connecting with?

    Put down your phone, look somebody in the eye, and have a moment together. Trust me, it’s way more rewarding than whatever communicating you are doing on your phone. Text later, engage in this moment more.

    —

    The more you practice taking really good care of your body, the more it will reward you with good health, tons of clarity, energy, and the ability to experience all the good that life has to offer for years to come!

    Treat your precious body with love and kindness. This is your body—yours—and it’s the only one you’ve got.

    Buddha statue image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Things Happy People Do to Stay Happy

    10 Things Happy People Do to Stay Happy

    “Here’s a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it note for note. Don’t worry, be happy.” ~Bobby McFerrin 

    I was one of those people that when asked what they want in life, would say, “I just want to be happy…”

    In my past, I suffered from debilitating depression. There was a period when getting the dry-cleaning and buying toilet paper was difficult enough.

    So, I made it my mission to study what happy people do to stay happy, then I started doing what they were doing. And my happiness increased until I became one of those people I used to be envious of.

    Here’s a list I use now on a daily basis as a reminder to increase my happiness:

    1. Give yourself permission.

    Permission to be who you are; permission to laugh big, to cry when you need to, to fail brilliantly, to make stuff; permission to fall apart, breakdown, and get back up again; permission to be different and unique; permission to go too far and reach your dreams.

    2. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

    Hold yourself with a “light hand.” Laugh at your foibles with amusement.

    When things get tough or stress arises, lift your shoulders with an “oh well…” Know that it’s never as big or life devastating as your mind thinks.

    Happy people trust that whatever glitch happens will work itself out.

    They give a “Ha! Ha!” and a “So what? Who cares? Big Deal! Why not?” when met with resistances.

    3. Don’t self-ruminate.

    I remember a friend of mine from Mississippi saying, “Lynn, when are you gonna’ stop starin’ at your own belly button…?” (Insert: Southern drawl.)

    I learned happy people don’t fixate on themselves and their problems. They don’t over-analyze the issue du jour.

    When they start to get stuck on a problem or in their head, they put their attention on something else.

    I remind myself to not have to have it all figured out: Get outside. Go back to your work. Plan something fun.

    4. Don’t compare.

    Comparison has been compared to a little death. When we compare ourselves to others, we harm ourselves.

    Happy people know that they’re no better or less than another person. Someone will always be at a “more evolved place” and someone will always be “less-evolved.”

    Note to self: Be concerned with only how to do your best and that’s all.

    5. Make adjustments.

    When something isn’t going your way, when your mood dips, or when you feel “off,” stay curious and self-aware. Fine-tune the energy in your body by making adjustments.

    If you eat something that makes you feel poor, why eat it? Pay attention if that glass of wine the night before makes you feel crappy in the morning or that slice of pizza made you bloated or that ice cream caused you to crash, losing your focus and energy.

    When you’re feeling stuck or heavy, take a walk, do something different than your normal routine, meet up with a friend.

    If feeling anxious or stressed, tune-up with extra sleep, meditation/yoga or a hot bath…

    6. Be of service and know how to take care of yourself.

    Happy people want to give back. They have plenty to share. They volunteer, take time out to help a friend, offer to connect people to others for their betterment, and aren’t in need of getting anything back.

    Commit to service but also stay aware of how to take care of yourself. When your energy gets depleted, remember to not give away to the point that you lose focus on your own emotional/mental/physical/spiritual health.

    Have loving boundaries to care for yourself so that you have more to give.

    7. Choose uplifting friendships.

    When we have friendships and conversations that are uplifting, supportive, and loving, with people interested in our betterment, we are on a faster track to our own enlightenment.

    If you hang out with someone and don’t feel great afterward, see less of that person and seek out other friendships.

    Know which friends increase your happiness and nurture those relationships.

    8. Be less interested in being happy and more interested in your peace of mind.

    I used to think happiness was about being totally ecstatic. In order to balance out my feelings of hopelessness and depression, it seemed natural that my goal would be to be maximally blissed.

    But with all the highs there’s a low—we eventually come down from it.

    Remember not to get attached to the highs and focus more on experiencing peaceful aliveness.

    When your life is at peace, there’s a relaxed balance; and the chances of sustained happiness and contentment increases.

    9. Use your senses.

    As they say, the ordinary is extraordinary.

    Happy people receive pleasure from enjoying the simple joys in life, and usually they’re connected to our senses. This subtle awareness creates significant moments of happiness.

    I discovered the pleasures I receive in the:

    • Warmth of a teacup in my hands on a cold winter day
    • Taste of a square of dark chocolate melting on my tongue
    • Dance music in my cycle class that wakes me up
    • Smile of a stranger on the street
    • Aroma of my favorite essential oil and when people say, “You smell so good!”

    Continue to mark pleasant sense experiences in your mind and carry them throughout your day to increase your spirits.

    10. Don’t make your intimate relationships the end-all-be-all.

    I used to think the person I was in a relationship with was there to give me my happiness rather than increase it.

    Happy people understand that those they are in relationship with are an “addition to,” not a completion of them. They live full lives so that at the end of the day they have so much more to share.

    A loving reminder: Don’t rely on your partner to shift your moods, heal you, or fill your empty spaces. And remember it’s not your responsibility to do that for your partner either.

    Support is an important part of relationship. We’re there on the bad days with compassion and a loving embrace. We’re there on the good days to cheer them on.

    But mostly, we rely on ourselves to give that to ourselves. We trust that our partners can wrestle with their own demons. We offer space for them to discover their own happiness, while we focus on creating our own.

    What might you put your focus on to continue to increase your own happiness?

  • You Have Value (and You Can Be Happy) Regardless of Your Relationship Status

    You Have Value (and You Can Be Happy) Regardless of Your Relationship Status

    Smiling Woman

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    Relationships give us the opportunity to learn about ourselves though identifying with another. I’ll be the first one to admit that some of my relationships didn’t end on ideal terms. I’ve managed to stay in touch with a few partners over the years, but for the most part, they’ve fallen to the wayside.

    Here’s how most of them played out: The initial phase was intoxicating, I was completely enamored with the other person, and likewise, they made me feel like the object of their attention. As a result, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy, wholeness, and love.

    Eventually, the passion faded and the relationship began to decline, leading to a break-up. Now, instead of feeling joy and wholeness, it felt more like despair and emptiness.

    Sound familiar?

    We’re taught early on, through various forms of conditioning, that we are only valuable when an external source recognizes it, whether it’s a spouse, parent, or a boss. Dean Martin even sings, “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you. You’re nobody ‘til somebody cares.”

    Could this paradigm possibly be accurate? After all, if an icon like Dean Martin is singing about it, there must be some kernel of truth to it, right?

    I definitely felt better about myself when I was “coupled up,” but did that justify feeling devoid of love when the relationship ran its course?

    It wasn’t until I cultivated love for myself that I recognized my immense value, regardless of my relationship status. This happened through a regular spiritual practice and reflective meditation. From that space, I also recognized a few fundamental truths that helped me foster self-love.

    1. Extreme self-care means doing what strengthens your mind, body, and spirit.

    The best way to show yourself love it to practice self-care. The exact details differ from person to person, but they all share a common thread—they nurture your inner being.

    Maybe that means taking an extra hour to pamper yourself or setting aside time to focus on fitness. The expectations from friends and family will still be there, but it’s your responsibility to do what makes you feel recharged and lifted before tending to others.

    2. Your most important commitment is to honor yourself and your needs.

    On the journey toward personal fulfillment, you first need to make a commitment to address your needs. That doesn’t mean neglect your financial or social obligations, but it should be a reminder that your dreams and ambitions are a priority. After all, if you don’t stand up for your aspirations, who will?

    It helps if you make this commitment crystal clear by saying it out loud, sharing it with a friend, or writing it down. I find it beneficial to write personal mantras and commitments on my mirror so that I’m reminded of them every time I look at my refection.

    3. Your emotional well-being does not depend on any external circumstance.

    At any given moment, I have the ability to choose a positive emotional state. I can’t control the way other people act toward me, but I can reframe my belief system to better align with my own self-image. For example, just because someone lashes out or says something hurtful, that doesn’t mean it’s a reflection of me.

    Each of us is responsible for our own feelings, and it is our job to rescue ourselves from the pit of despair when we fall in.

    4. Making peace with your past paves the way for a rewarding future.

    You’d be hard pressed to meet anyone who doesn’t have a few demons in their closet. We all accumulate baggage throughout the course of our lives, but you don’t need to carry it from one place to the next. It simply weighs you down and prevents you from reaching your highest self.

    Learn to make peace with your past so that you can receive the present with an open heart.

    Forgiveness and acceptance go hand-in-hand with self-love. One of the ways I’ve learned to forgive past hurts is by not taking it personally.

    The second principle in Don Miguel Ruiz’s acclaimed book The Four Agreements says it best: “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of other, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

    5. Speak and treat yourself with kindness.

    Listening to your internal dialogue can be a good way to gauge your level of self-love. Are your thoughts predominantly negative or self-condemning? If they are, your first priority should be to change the way you speak to yourself.

    Adopting a set of positive affirmations can transform negative internal dialogue into a more supportive channel of communication with yourself. Some of my favorite affirmations are:

    • All is well in my world and I encounter love, abundance, and appreciation in every moment.
    • I accept others just as they are because I accept myself just as I am.
    • I radiate compassion and love and as a result I receive an endless flow of it back.

    6. Trust your intuition; it will guide the way.

    You intuition is one of the best tools at your disposal, and fortunately, you can never leave home without it! Listen to what your intuition tells you about taking care of yourself. After all, you deserve your love and affection.

    —

    Self-love is a regular practice that starts with acceptance. Take the time to align with your inner self and appreciate your strength. Only then can you open up to receiving and giving love to others unconditionally.

    If you can be love and accept yourself, you’ll be happy regardless of who chooses to enter or exit your life.

    Smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Boost Your Self-Esteem When You’re Insecure

    How to Boost Your Self-Esteem When You’re Insecure

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    When it comes to self-esteem, I’ve had a bumpy ride. Throughout my school life I was severely bullied and, consequently, I grew up intensely insecure and self-critical.

    I constantly measured my self-worth against the opinions of others, and when opinions weren’t forthcoming, I simply filled in the blanks by imagining the worst.

    By my twenties I measured my self-worth in terms of my popularity, how successful I was compared to my friends, my appearance, and my love life.

    If I had a bad hair day it was catastrophic—I instantly felt ugly, unlovable, and alone. Everything hinged upon my desire to measure up, and if I felt I wasn’t (which I usually did) I would berate and bully myself.

    It was as if there was this volcano inside of me simmering away with self-loathing that could burst into outright hatred at any time. Because I didn’t like myself, I was constantly searching for outside validation, someone else that could make me happy and whole again.

    Looking back, I think that’s why I found it so hard to be single. I hadn’t learned to like myself, so it made perfect sense that to be left in my own company would cause me unease.

    In 2009 it all came to a head when I had what can only be described as a catastrophic breakdown, or as I like to put it, breakthrough.

    I finally sought treatment for my trauma, which helped build my self-esteem. I was extremely privileged to have had access to world-class care; however, the steps I took to overcome my low self-esteem—the very same I share with you today—can be achieved by anyone with the aid of a notepad and pen.

    Step 1: Create a positive qualities record.

    The biggest step I took toward learning to love myself was to remind myself of the kind of person I could be.

    Shockingly simple, I know, but nevertheless challenging when you don’t like yourself very much. I remember struggling to think of positive qualities that I could honestly claim as my own and trying to silence my inner critic as it discounted each one I thought of.

    The more I persisted, the easier I recalled them, one by one. If you find it difficult at first, keep at it—trust me, it will pay off.

    Essentially, you are training your brain to look for evidence that supports a higher level of self-esteem, and this exercise is extremely effective. Aim to write down just fifteen positive qualities that relate to your character.

    As I re-read my list, I remembered I had qualities I liked and was proud of. The process of writing them down had reassured me that I had worth after all. I then went through the list and wrote down examples of when I had displayed those qualities.

    You don’t have to do this for all of your fifteen qualities. Simply pick your five favorite qualities from your list and note down the times when you have shown those traits to others.

    When I did this for my own positive qualities record, I really had to search for examples, but the sense of validation I felt was well worth it. I now had concrete evidence that I possessed the qualities I had attributed to myself—a powerful silencing tool for my inner critic!

    Step 2: Create an activity diary for achievements, fun, and relaxation.

    This step had the biggest impact upon my self-esteem by far. I was given instructions to list daily entries with an A (for Achievement), an F (for Fun), or an R (for Relaxation) besides each task or activity. I was also told to list small things for A’s to build up my confidence before listing bigger tasks.

    These simple instructions transformed how I saw my time and, most importantly, how I viewed self-care. No longer did I think of fun and relaxation as frivolous or insignificant. I now saw them as equally valid to tasks and an important use of my time.

    Day by day I ticked off the A’s, F’s, and R’s in my diary and almost immediately my confidence and self-esteem grew. I had a sense of achievement and inner pride from knowing I was practicing self-care and being productive. Moreover, my confidence in my capabilities grew tenfold.

    I started to have guilt-free fun and rediscovered the joy it brought. I learned what I found relaxing and I became calmer as a result.

    The truth is, these same benefits are available to you right now. All you need is a diary and a pen—nothing fancy—just something to write down two tasks each day. List one Achievement and either one Relaxation or one Fun activity. Then take pleasure in seeing your self-esteem rise.

    Step 3: Adjust negative core beliefs.

    The problem with core beliefs is that we believe them at our very, well, core. Unsurprisingly, one of my negative core beliefs was that I was unlovable. The first thing I did was to write it down and then challenge it to discover a more realistic, balanced core belief.

    It was hard at first, but after some time I came up with “I may not be perfect, but there are many people that love me and find me lovable.” This was definitely a more accurate and balanced core belief, and one I would do well to adopt.

    I then wrote the new balanced core belief at the top of a new page and below it drew two columns. On top of one, I wrote, “Evidence for New Core Belief—Past & Present” and on top of the other, “Evidence for New Core Belief—Future.”

    I then listed all the evidence for my new core belief to date.

    I listed all of the people who I knew loved me. I listed my positive qualities as lovable traits and examples when others had been loving toward me. In the second column I listed: noticing when people pay me compliments, paying attention to loving gestures, and making note of when people tell me “I love you.”

    The more I reflected on the evidence, the less I believed that I was unlovable and the more weight my new realistic and balanced core belief held. I suddenly felt lighter, relieved even, as if I had just woken up from a nightmare that now had no place in reality.

    By their very nature core beliefs are deeply rooted, but if you regularly look over the evidence you’ve written for your new balanced core belief, you too can overcome its grasp!

    —

    I’m happy to say that the insecure and self-critical years I spent in my twenties seem like a distant memory now. I’m kinder to myself. I’m more forgiving of my flaws and don’t equate them to my self-worth.

    Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly confident, I even go out without make-up on—just to prove to myself I can and that I am more than the summation of my looks.

    What others think of me no longer bothers me in the way that it once did because I know that I am a loving, kind, generous person with a lot to offer people.

    As I write that, it sounds arrogant on the page, but that’s what I believe and that’s what my internal dialogue has become.

    Don’t get me wrong, my inner critic sometimes pops his ugly head up every now and again, but I now have a vast array of ammunition to throw at him.

    By following these steps you will accrue your own arsenal to throw at your inner critics so they too can be silenced and, as Thich Nhat Hanh would say, so that you can accept yourself—both wholeheartedly and completely, for the beautiful person you were born to be.