Tag: Peace
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5 Ways to Find Peace: Life Lessons from an 8th Grade Teacher
“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Good Morning, and welcome to 8th grade History with Mr. Bacchus. The first thing I need everyone to do is to take out your class schedule and make sure that it says Mr. Bacchus for this period. Is there anyone who doesn’t have my name on their schedule?
No? We sure? Great!!
Now I need each one of you to take a moment and thank whoever you believe in, the powers that be, or even the magic genie that granted you this wish, because you’re one of the few lucky enough to be in my history class this year.
Why lucky?
Because there is going to be a day when you don’t feel like getting out of the bed, but you will remember that you have Mr. Bacchus today and you will be up before the alarm goes off.
One day, your boyfriend or girlfriend will break up with you in the middle of the hallway, and the news will quickly spread via social networking. But when your friend asks you if you’re okay, you’ll simply smile and say,
“I have Mr. Bacchus today.”
I couldn’t make this up if I tried. A student fell in gym class and broke his leg one year. It was an awful injury, and he was seriously hurt but refused to go to the hospital. He said it wasn’t that bad. He had Mr. Bacchus next period.
This has become my first-day-of-school opening monologue as an 8th grade teacher. It’s a nice way to break the ice. I say these words with a sense of confidence. A sense of purpose and joy comes over me the second I begin this inaugural address to my students.
And it lasts throughout the school year.
My class has often felt like a beautiful symphony (and I was the highly acclaimed maestro), but in the midst of my father falling back into addiction and my ex-girlfriend moving across the country with her new fiancé, it seemed as if I couldn’t play chopsticks in my personal life.
My father has always struggled with addiction, but this was the first time I had to face it as an adult. This time around I knew exactly why he wasn’t answering my calls, why he was asking to borrow money, and why he was nowhere to be found for weeks at a time.
Likewise, it wasn’t the first time my ex and I had called it quits either. But somehow the news of her impending move across the country with her new boyfriend—two months after our most recent breakup—had a sense of finality to it. The curtain was officially closed once I got word of their engagement.
So I began going to counseling in hopes of finding my way, and one day my counselor asked me if I could “live like I teach.” Could I take some of the things that allow me to be at peace while teaching and apply them to my life?
This is what I came up with.
1. Be yourself.
As a new teacher, you’re told not to crack a smile and to be extremely strict at the beginning of the school year. This will help you “set the tone” for the school year and show your students who is “the boss.”
The problem is that I smile all the time!
So as I tried to fight my smile with the students, they often fought against me. Whether it was Ashley throwing pencils at me or Shailia composing an essay titled “Mr. Bacchus, the Worst Teacher Ever,” my students weren’t responding well to the person I was trying to be.
Once I finally gave up that lousy advice and started smiling, joking, and being myself from the beginning, my relationships with my students began to improve.
It was a light bulb moment. Improving my relationship with my students made me realize that I have to be my genuine self in real life too. I can’t be who I think I’m supposed to be—I have to just be me.
2. Don’t hold too tightly to plans.
The projector isn’t working.
The video won’t load!
The copier is down!!
FIRE!!!!
These things can happen at any given moment, and the best laid lesson plans need to be adjusted. I plan every week but know that it’s just a blueprint of how I would like things to go.
Once you arrive to school and realize the wifi isn’t working, you have two choices: You could continue forward with your lesson hoping the wifi genie magically shows up and the website you were going to use will somehow work, or you can change your plans.
Learning to be fluid with my plans allows my classroom to flow with a certain ease. If I want that same ease in my personal life, then I have to understand that the Universe has a way of turning our plans upside down too. I need to be able to adapt and adjust just like I do when little Johnny throws up in the middle of the classroom during third period.
3. Don’t get stuck on the negative.
I planned what I believed would be an awesome lesson incorporating a Nas rap song into our coverage of Ancient African Empires.
As I could barely contain my excitement, one of my students couldn’t seem to care less. He made unrelated comments, disturbed others, and left me feeling like the lesson was a complete failure.
Later that afternoon, a group of students were leaving the school singing the song I used in the lesson. I inquired about the song choice, and they said how much they enjoyed it and thought it was cool how I tied it in.
Here I was basing my perspective on one person while ignoring the reactions of the other thirty students in my classroom. How often in life do we only focus on the negative aspect and fail to notice the good all around us?
We can always find the bad in our life experiences, or we can choose to find the good. I try and find the good every day. The entries in my daily gratitude log help me to focus on the daily good, like the students that remembered the song, not the one who didn’t.
4. Each day is new.
My first two years of teaching inundated my life with stories about something one of my students did, said, etc. I couldn’t wait to run and tell family and friends about my adventures as a teacher.
As time passed, those stories became less and less unique, and I found myself looking at the days and the students as the same old blur. I had seen it all. The students, lessons, and days were starting to become a haze of gray.
My friends and family would ask for new stories, and I had nothing. “It’s going” became my simple response to the question “How is teaching?”
The reality is that each year I get different students, who will do different things, during each day of the year, every period of the day.
I have to be aware of how much beauty and joy lies in that variety and appreciate the newness of it all, or else I will become like so many teachers who have lost their excitement for what they do.
I try my best to see the newness of each student and each class every day because I don’t want to lose my passion for teaching.
I also don’t want to lose my passion for life. I’m now starting to see that I have to find the newness of each moment in each day so that “it’s going” doesn’t become my answer to “How’s life?”
5. It’s okay to laugh.
Theodore Roosevelt set up the National Park System so that he could conserve the National Booty of America. Yeah, you read that right. I said National Booty instead of National Beauty. The kids laughed hysterically and I cracked up laughing too.
The truth is, school is funny.
There are too many moments that deserve a good laugh during the course of a school day. I can deny it or I can let out one of the few things guaranteed to increase my mood. I have chosen to increase my health and vitality by laughing in school.
And also in life. Because just like the classroom, there are so many funny things to laugh at in this world! To deny laughter would be to deny one of the basic parts of pleasures in life.
Three years ago I was blessed to receive the “Teacher as a Hero” award from the National Liberty Museum. I would have never thought the things that made me a “Teacher as a Hero” award winner would also help me to emerge from one of the toughest times in my life a better person.
All I had to do was start living like I teach.
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5 Breathing Techniques to Melt Your Stress Away
“Feelings come and go like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Breathing techniques are now such an important part of my daily routine. I couldn’t think of starting a day without doing my breathing exercises.
I usually combine these with my morning meditation, which, through sheer perseverance, I have made into a habit and have been doing for the last few years.
Almost everywhere you look, you can find stress—at work, at home, on the road. It’s hard to avoid it and even harder to not get sucked in.
I used to let stress get the better of me on a daily basis through an incredibly stressful and demanding job. That was until I realized the dangerous effects it was having on my body.
I worked in video production as a producer, where there was a new type of stress every single day.
There were so many cogs that all had to fall perfectly into place for the production to move ahead, not to mention the number of people who would depend and rely on me. The deadlines were tight, and to make sure that every stage of production was complete, I often had to work long hours.
This was an incredibly stress-inducing job, and so often I felt myself getting overtired and angry due to the workload.
Stress can make it near enough impossible to control your emotions. I found the more stressed I became, the more irrational I would become.
Stress is also strongly linked to diseases, and chronic stress can give these conditions the green light to flood your body. Stress has been linked to cancer, lung disease, fatal accidents, suicide, and cirrhosis of the liver.
Not to mention that stress can make you gain weight, look older, and ruin your relationships.
After understanding that I was a very stressed person, often attracting stressful situations into my life, I decided to learn stress-combating techniques.
The best methods I discovered were various breathing techniques. They’re quick to do and have amazing results.
Now, if I ever feel myself getting stressed or am about to enter a stressful situation, I simply stop for a moment and use one of my breathing techniques. This instantly calms me down and has an immediate effect on my state of mind, allowing me to think clearly and rationally.
Breathing is used in meditation as a method to relax the body fully and achieve a clear state of mind. We are extremely lucky that such a powerful tool, like breathing, is something that we can regulate and control ourselves.
Practicing breathing techniques will not only give you beneficial life tools, but they are also a great starting point for your meditation journey.
The techniques I have shared are simple and easy to learn. Some will bring calm and inner peace, while others can be used to kick-start your mental awareness and vital energy.
Abdominal Breathing
Abdominal breathing slows your entire body down; your heart rate and blood pressure reduce with each controlled deep breath you take.
Your aim during this technique is to focus on your diaphragm, not your chest, as you breathe.
To begin, place one hand on the chest and the other on the belly.
Breathe in through your nose enough for your diaphragm to inflate with enough air to produce a stretch in your lungs. Then exhale slowly.
Make sure each breath is deep and steady.
Repeat this technique with seven to ten breaths per minute for ten minutes.
Alternate Nostril Breathing (aka Nadi Shodhana)
This technique will unite both sides of your brain while bringing calm and balance.
To begin, sit in a comfortable meditative pose; this can be on the floor, on a chair, or on a sofa, wherever is most comfortable for you.
Now, hold your right nostril down with your thumb or one of your fingers on your right hand. Breathe in deeply through your left nostril.
When you’re at the peak of inhalation, let go of your right nostril and cover the left. Then, exhale through the right nostril. Continue with this technique for as long as needed until you feel calm and focused.
Because this method connects your brain on a deep level, you shouldn’t practice this technique before going to bed.
Instead, if you need to prepare for a big presentation or a difficult job interview, or you’re in any kind of nervous situation, take a few minutes practicing alternate nostril breathing to calm yourself. Doing this will help quiet your mind so that you can be the best version of yourself without having to worry about the nerves!
Not only will you experience calm and balance, but you will also feel focused and super energized.
Relaxing Breath (aka “4-7-8”)
This technique is used to completely relax the body and nervous system. It can be used in many different scenarios—when you feel internal tension, when something upsetting happens, or simply to help you relax before sleep.
Before you begin this technique, ensure you are sitting comfortably with your back as straight as possible.
Place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth where they meet the gum ridge. You will need to keep your tongue here for the duration of the technique.
Start by exhaling fully. Usually, because of where your tongue is placed, this would make a natural “whoosh” sound.
Inhale quietly for a count of four. Once reached, hold your breath here for a count of seven and then exhale fully for a count of eight. This is one full breath. You should aim to do four or five full breaths each time you practice this technique.
Stillness in Breath
If you are able to focus on your breath for long periods of time, then this technique is for you.
This breathing awareness variation doesn’t involve any counting, merely observing.
To begin, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and begin observing your breathing pattern.
Once you have settled into the process of observing your natural breathing rhythm, turn your awareness to the point at which the breath switches from inhalation to exhalation. Then observe as it changes from exhalation to inhalation. Notice that there is a gap, or still pause, between the breaths.
If you find that your mind wanders during this variation, simply keep guiding your attention back to this still pause between each stage of breath. The more you practice this technique, the more it becomes a continuous experience in which you will find peace.
Stimulating Breath (aka Bellows Breath)
Bellows Breath is used to invigorate your senses and sharpen your mind. If practiced well, you will raise your vital energy and feel an increased level of alertness.
To begin, sit comfortably. You don’t need to be in a certain position or sit anywhere in particular for this technique.
Inhale and exhale rapidly through your nose. Try to keep your mouth shut and as relaxed as possible. Aim to keep your inhales and exhales equal in duration but as reduced as possible.
For beginners, you should start by practicing this technique for a maximum of fifteen seconds. As you become more comfortable, you can increase this time by five seconds each time you practice until you reach a full minute.
Like alternate nostril breathing, this technique connects with your mind on a deep level and shouldn’t be used before you go to sleep.
Next time you feel like you need an energy boost, instead of reaching for caffeine, try this technique and see how invigorated you feel afterwards!
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By practicing breathing meditation for ten to fifteen minutes a day, you will be able to reduce your stress and anxiety levels significantly. You’ll start to experience calmness of the mind, the turbulence of day-to-day worries will simply fall away, and feelings of happiness and fulfillment will rise from within.
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How to Instantly Calm Yourself in Stressful Situations
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~Viktor Frankl
There’s a big lie we tell ourselves during stressful times.
It keeps us feeling lost, afraid, and unloved, like we’re being picked up and carried away helplessly by a storm.
Our heads can fill with scary images, words, and stories about the cause and who is to blame for our unwanted pain.
Sound familiar? If it does, you’re not alone. You’re normal. This is how humans biologically respond to stress.
So what’s the big lie?
The big lie is that we have no control over our stress response. Actually, we do. A lot of control.
I’ve struggled the hard way through my fair share of troubling times. I’ve experienced money and job issues, battled with health, and been pushed in challenging relationships.
But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is I grew up a highly sensitive person, who would internally react to almost anything that could be interpreted as negative.
Of the feelings above, I hopelessly sat at the “feel all of them” end of the scale.
That was until a particularly trying relationship caused me so much stress and anxiety that I became sick of my unconscious reactions, and vowed to do everything possible to stop it (or make it easier).
Through research and a lot of experimenting I created a practical way to calm myself down instantly anywhere, anytime, when a meditation cushion or reassuring book was out of reach.
The technique was so simple and powerful that it pulled me through a harrowing experience in that relationship, and has held me together in plenty of experiences since.
It’s easy to remember, has an instant effect on your mind body, and most importantly, is simple enough to be remembered and used when you’re going through the eye of your own stress storms.
How to Calm Yourself In Two Minutes
Take a moment right now to make yourself comfortable and try these four steps yourself:
1. Freeze yourself.
Remember the game you played as a child when you suddenly stopped mid-motion, like you were frozen in ice? Do that now. Halt your body parts, emotions, and thought processes. Think of yourself as a cartoon character that’s been hit with a stun gun. You can even make it a little dramatic if it helps.
2. Focus on your index finger.
(Skip to this if you find the first step difficult). For twenty to sixty seconds, concentrate solely on the back of your index finger. Let your mind and body be consumed by it.
Bring it closer to you. Study the rivets, creases, and those tiny little fingerprint lines. If your situation is noisy, let the sounds around you merge into a single background buzz, and let it fade out of your attention.
3. Take a conscious breath.
Let go of your focus and check back in with your body. Take a deep, conscious breath in, then let it go through your mouth, slowly and calmly, creating a wave of relaxation that starts in your chest and floats out through your being to the surface of your skin.
4. Look around consciously.
As you re-integrate with your surroundings, scan the scene in front of you. Remain as indiscriminate as possible with what you focus on the way you would when waking up in the morning.
Take conscious note of the thoughts that are trying to push back into your head and observe them with an attitude of curiosity.
How do you feel?
You might now feel a little more in touch with your senses, distanced from previous thoughts, and connected with the present moment.
Most importantly, you’ll recognize that the root of your discomfort is your thoughts. Everything else, like emotions, and physical discomfort, and pain, start there.
If you’re having difficulty slowing down the mind at the beginning, try this: If you meditate regularly, spend the last minute of your session focused on the same finger, in the same way. Doing this will associate (or anchor) the feelings of clarity, relaxation, and attachment with the action.
And if you don’t meditate, it’s a great time to start! It will help with your ability to cope with stressful situations generally, and dramatically improve the effects of this technique.
Why This Technique Works
Stress is a mental or physical tension, and both manifest from your relationship to the procession of thoughts in your head.
Mindfulness allows you to step out of the procession and watch it go past, without being carried down the fast-flowing river.
When we get pulled down a heavy stream, our emotions and bodies react as if the danger or pain contained in the thought is real, immediate, and must be dealt with now. That’s why we feel discomfort even when someone reminds us of a stressful situation we were trying to forget.
Reconnecting with the present reminds us that here is the only time there really is.
Focusing on your hands is an ancient Ayurvedic practice that helps to ground the soul and provide stability in the physical body.
Try It for Yourself
The most important reason this technique works is it gives you something back—control.
We may not be able to choose what happens to us in our lives, but as Viktor Frankl says, we can always choose our response.
Give it a go next time you feel yourself panicking (and be sure to let us know how you go in the comments below).
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8 Meditation Mistakes to Avoid if You Want to Feel Calm and Peaceful
“Three things you cannot recover in life: the word after it’s said, the moment after it’s missed, and the time after it’s gone.” ~Unknown
Do you meditate?
I do. I come from a Buddhist family, and meditation is like an heirloom to me.
I didn’t start meditating until I was an adult. But when I did, I meditated diligently. From forming a meditation habit to getting the latest meditation app, I’ve done it all.
And one day I got a little worried.
I didn’t feel much difference. I didn’t feel calm and peaceful like I was supposed to feel.
In fact, I didn’t feel anything.
Nothing has changed. I was still the irritable, depressed person that I was. Meditation felt like a waste of time.
Later, I was shocked to discover how many mistakes I was making.
I want you to avoid these mistakes so that you can meditate efficiently without wasting your time as well.
1. You don’t embrace distractions.
I used to hate distraction. I’d use earplugs, lock my door, and yell at everybody to shut up before I meditated.
By all means, minimize distraction. But realize no matter what you do, something’s going to bother you. If you’re like me, you become more irritated each time you get distracted or interrupted. This is counterproductive.
The whole point of meditation is to observe distractions as they occur, and not to be carried away by them. Embracing distraction is part of the practice. When you do, you’ll feel much more laid back, and everything else will fall into place.
2. You only meditate with external aids.
When meditation was popularized, meditation apps, meditation music, and guided meditation also became a fad.
These external aids direct your thoughts and get you relaxed and concentrated. If you have difficulty meditating traditionally, they’re certainly viable alternatives.
However, a big part of meditation is facing your inner thoughts on your own. This cultivates insight and wisdom. If your thoughts are being guided externally, you’ll miss out on an opportunity to self-realization.
If you want your practice to be well-rounded, you should devote some time to meditate with only your mind and body, even if you do enjoy using apps or guided meditations.
3. You seek escape in meditation.
I used to abuse meditation to suppress my strong negative feelings. As long as I concentrated only on my breath, I could stop myself from thinking about my problems.
But then I learned that focus isn’t a hammer of suppression; it’s a ray of light. The light of your meditative awareness will bring up your problems in the form of thoughts. It’s your job to face and neutralize them in the process.
When strong feelings emerge, put your awareness on those feelings before returning to your focus. Otherwise, you would be suppressing your emotions to the detriment of your mental health.
Observe the feeling, let it grow, and it’ll naturally dissolve.
4. You’re doing the wrong meditation for your body type.
If you feel physically or mentally uncomfortable while meditating, you may be doing the wrong meditation.
I have a slight nose condition. Sometimes I wouldn’t be able to breathe comfortably through my nose. At those times, meditation became torturous because I would strain my tracheal muscle badly afterward. I decided to drop breathing meditation soon after.
Meditation is not a battle. Fighting discomfort is neither healthy nor helpful. There’s no reason why meditation shouldn’t be comfortable. Stop doing your current meditation if you’re in a similar situation.
5. You don’t try out other types of meditation.
No one meditation technique is superior to one another. For example, most of us meditate to cultivate mindfulness. Breathing is not the only way to do so. Many meditation techniques can achieve the same purpose.
There are mantra meditations, visualization meditations, walking meditations, contemplation meditations, as well as various schools of Vipassana meditations for you to choose from.
After I dropped breathing meditation, I tried many other techniques and finally settled on mantra meditation. It felt much more natural to me.
Learn different techniques from credible teachers. Try out the ones that appeal to you.
If you’re already content with your current meditation, great. But remember you always have the option to explore different meditations. Maybe you’ll find one that you love even more.
6. You don’t stick with one meditation technique for long enough.
While you should explore different techniques, avoid switching around all the time.
If you do, you wouldn’t be familiar enough with a technique, and there won’t be enough time for its benefits to come to fruition.
Practice a technique until you know it inside out before you determine whether you should move on or not.
The exception here is that if a meditation clearly makes you physically or mentally uncomfortable, you should stop right away.
7. You have unrealistic goals.
I used to meditate to reach “enlightenment.” Needless to say, I didn’t get there.
And I thought it would make me at least a tad calmer, or give me some obvious health benefits. I didn’t get both.
I was expecting too much. And it drove me crazy.
Don’t expect too much, and don’t expect anything too soon. Meditation is not the magic cure that could banish all your stress and turn you into an enlightened being in just a few days, months, or even years.
Remember, the masters meditated day and night for decades to reach where they are.
Unrealistic expectations prevent you from focusing on your practice. When you have high expectations, you focus on results instead of the process. This is counterproductive, as it takes away the present moment awareness that meditation offers.
Whenever I find myself expecting, I remind myself that I’m not trying to get anything from meditation. As I do so, the practice becomes much more enjoyable. And in the end, by releasing my expectations, meditation does make me more peaceful.
8. You never learned how to meditate.
If you don’t study meditation thoroughly, you won’t be able to discover your own mistakes. And if you continue your practice with these mistakes, you’ll waste your precious time at best and injure yourself mentally or physically at worst.
Read a wide variety of books on meditation, watch videos and listen to lectures by different teachers, join a meditation forum online or social group in person. Expand your knowledge constantly. Use that knowledge to improve your practice regularly.
If you can afford it, it’s best to learn from a trustworthy and reputable teacher. A good teacher will not only guide you through advanced meditations safely, they will also help you save a lot of time and avoid most mistakes from the outset.
Guidance from a teacher is necessary if you’re interested in meditations using mantras or visualization. Some of these meditations are potentially dangerous to your mental health.
Until you can get a teacher or become knowledgeable enough, stick with basic meditations. Avoid visualizations, contemplations, and esoteric mantras you don’t understand.
Meditation Has Never Felt So Good
Now that you know what to avoid in meditation, you’ll able to make much more progress than I have in a much shorter time.
With this knowledge in mind, identify your mistakes and correct them.
Then meditation will no longer feel like a chore. You’ll actually want to sit down and meditate. Not because you think you should, but because it feels so good. And you can be assured that no matter what happens during the session, you’ll remain peaceful, calm, and happy.
Yes, it is possible.
So get to work, and let a whole new journey begin.
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How to Find Lasting Peace (Even When You’re in an Emotional Tornado)
“You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you.” ~Joseph B. Wirthlin
Does your mind ever feel like a tornado of whirling thoughts?
And when that happens, do you wish for inner peace?
Well, not too long ago, after I quit my corporate job, I was stuck in that exact position. I realized that the degrees I earned and the jobs I chose made me miserable.
My inner chatter became unbearable, and my self-sabotaging, pestering thoughts sparked anxiety attacks, jitters, and nightmares. That forced me to go into therapy.
But even after a year of professional help, I felt so much despair that I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive it. My whole life lost meaning.
I was clinically depressed and needed chemicals to cut through the fog. I couldn’t even enjoy the activities I once loved.
The chemicals gave me jitters, so I tried deep breathing techniques, guided meditation, positive affirmations, and vision boards. Eventually, I found what worked for me.
The more I practiced what worked, the more comfortable I became with all my worries. No, my problems did not disappear, but I gained inner resolve and tenacity to become comfortable with the discomfort.
I’m proud of the efforts I made to ease my acute emotional distress. While no easy shortcuts or magic potions exist, I found fantastic fixes and mental techniques along the way. They helped me deal with my sadness, regret, anger, and any horrible memory that bubbled up.
To maintain my state of mind, I continue to practice the tactics and also stay open to any new ones.
Of course, nobody can embody an enduring state of peace for 24/7, 365 days a year. But these days, the tactics I continue to practice allow me to choose peace whenever distress bubbles back to the surface.
If you’re in the midst of an emotional tornado, the suggestions and fixes below should help you on your journey to peace.
1. Accept that you’re both ordinary and unique.
You’re an ordinary person walking a unique path. Accepting this can make you feel less alone, be more competitive in a non-destructive way, and eliminate self-pitying thoughts.
Accept that you’re an ordinary person with only twenty-four hours a day who has to somehow find meaning in the mundaneness of life. Accepting that you’re common will make you feel less alone.
But also accept that nobody is walking your unique path. You wake up every morning with you, your traits, circumstances, choices, and history. Accepting that you’re unique will make you want to achieve, be creative, and develop in a healthy way. You will aim to learn and grow rather than act from a place of fear, envy, or a pressing need to outperform.
If you accept that you’re both ordinary and unique, you’ll stop comparing yourself to somebody else’s highlight reel, you’ll aim to become the best version of your ordinary-unique self, and you’ll thereby move through life peacefully.
2. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
When you feel anxious, your thoughts jump around like frantic grasshoppers, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t stop overthinking.
This is an uncomfortable feeling, but if you practice getting comfortable with this feeling, it won’t consume your cognitive space. If you push it away, your discomfort will only continue to grow, as will the anxiety.
Practice by surrendering to that uncomfortable feeling and feeling it through every inch of yourself.
If you feel tears come, don’t fight them. Your tears release stress hormones such as cortisol, so cry if you must.
Avoid getting overwhelmed by placing one hand on your chest and the other on your belly and feeling yourself breathe. Sit up and feel your feet on the ground as you inhale through your nose. Hold for five seconds and exhale through your mouth.
You’re now fully integrated with that uncomfortable feeling instead of panicking about how to make it go away.
Repeat the deep breathing exercise as often as you can. Don’t be fooled by how simple and boring it sounds; this is an extremely powerful calming technique.
3. Practice staying in the now.
Most emotional distress stems from reliving your past or panicking about the future. It’s either regret or fear. That’s why if you practice staying in the now, you will learn to let go of the past and future, and just bring your awareness to the peaceful present.
Even if you can do it just for one moment, you will experience one peaceful moment. If you practice bringing your awareness to the present moment, you will realize you have control over your peace. You will recognize the calming effect it has on your state of being, even in the midst of chaos and crisis, and even if it is for a few seconds.
You might practice staying in the now in the following ways:
Sit outside, and pick a leaf on a tree. Try keeping your focus on that leaf for a full five minutes. When your attention wanders, gently bring it back to the leaf.
Pick an object (let’s say your coffee mug), and wonder. Where was it made? Who made it? Was it handmade? Try and figure out the history of that coffee mug (even if you have to make it up).
Look up at the night sky, and visualize your worries whooshing past you to sit inside a star. Now watch them burn up inside each giant ball of dust and gas. With all your worries gone, bring your awareness back to the present moment — you looking up at the night sky.
4. Get to know yourself.
To achieve inner peace, you must get to know yourself on a deep level. Getting to know yourself will help you make choices more aligned with who you are and want to be.
One way to get to know yourself is through journaling.
Just fifteen minutes per day of journaling will help you get to know yourself by recording your thoughts, beliefs, and inner conflicts. Better yet, you don’t have to worry about what you’ll write.
When you write, just keep going with the flow of your tangent thoughts, private thoughts, and inappropriate thoughts unfit for public viewing. Nobody will see these words but you! The point of journaling is to just get stuff out — the story you keep telling yourself, a careworn complaint, a horrible memory.
When I first started journaling, I wrote everything that popped into my mind. I found myself saying things I didn’t really mean about people who hardly knew me, about wanting to engage in activities I never really thought I would want to engage in, and kept going without judging myself. I was also able to release much of the anger, pain, guilt, shame and embarrassment I stored and in doing so, I freed myself.
One thing to remember is that writing about it doesn’t make it any more real than it is inside your head. The idea is to clear your mind and become aware of your thoughts you’re thinking and the emotional clutter. Remember to relax, be free, loosen up, feel the raw emotion, release it constructively, and do it daily.
The best part about journaling is that you don’t have to win anybody’s approval or permission to feel the way you do.
5. Stop seeking approval.
If you want to adopt a peaceful mindset, don’t try to make others like you or approve of you. Take actions to meet the ideals you set for yourself, and to meet your goals, but let go of your need to be liked.
If you live to impress others—to win their love, support, approval—you’ll go down a road filled with anxiety and emotional pain.
A need for approval triggers self-defeating thoughts of self-doubt and self-blame. Hello, emotional distress.
I struggled to let go of my need for approval, but when I eventually did, I felt a big wave of peace wash over me. I was able to say goodbye to many disempowering thoughts.
You Can Give Yourself the Gift of Peace
There is, of course, no antidote to take it all away, forever.
I still struggle with my anxiety sometimes, but because I used these techniques and visualizations, when my mind is a tornado, it’s much easier to quell it now. As the famous adage goes, “Practice makes perfect,” so I continue to do just that.
Your issues might (and probably will) still come back at times, even after months of journaling, looking at leaves, and breathing techniques. You’ll still experience moments of distress from time to time, even if it’s the minor mundane kind at the grocery store when you’re contemplating on whether to buy tomatoes or not.
However, by practicing these techniques, you’ll build an arsenal of coping tools to find your peace. Your peace itself will be indestructible. No emotional tornado will ever destroy it.
Your peace will be tornado-proof.
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How to Make Your Cruel Inner Voice Work for You, Not Against You
“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.” ~Carlos Castaneda
I’ve always had issues with food, but in the past five years this struggle became a full-blown eating disorder.
I remember the first time I thought I was too big, in fourth grade. Now I know that I wasn’t too big. Maybe I hadn’t outgrown my baby fat yet, but I wasn’t overweight. Still, all the other girls at my school were smaller than me.
There was one day when a pediatrician came to our school for a health check. Everyone was measured, weighed, etc. I can still feel the sheer horror I felt when my friends asked about my weight.
I lied, but they didn’t believe me. Instead, they called me fat and ugly and told me that they didn’t want to play with me any longer.
This feeling, this shame, stuck with me all my life.
Since that day I’ve struggled with low self-esteem and the fear of not being accepted for who I am. I believe this was beginning for my eating disorder.
Inner Voices
In therapy I learned that my self-talk influences me tremendously, and I also learned that the inner voices aren’t always right. Sometimes they are ego-driven, and not focused on what’s the best for me in the long run.
My inner voice told me that I’d only be worthy and likable if I were skinny.
It would cheer me up when I was eating less than the day before, and it would beat me up when I ate “too much.” (Note: one apple plus one tub of cottage cheese was “too much”!)
I was literally starving myself. I was so brainwashed by that constant mantra of “Come on, Mona. You’re stronger than your hunger! You made it yesterday! You don’t have to eat!” that I didn’t realize I was highly depressed and severely underweight.
When I finally got tired of feeling constantly miserable, it took two therapists, countless tears, and an incredible amount of hard work to overcome my destructive behavior.
But I can proudly say, I did it. I made peace with my eating disorder voice.
Now I want to share with you the technique that kick-started my recovery and gave me back my life.
Our Inner Team
The inner team is a model borrowed from communication psychology, developed by German psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun.
Schulz von Thun uses working groups or teams as metaphor for the inner voices we all embody (the inner plurality) and a team leader, who ideally decides and executes (that’s you).
Unfortunately, our inner voices usually don’t act like a team, but more like a gathering of selfish narcissists pretending to be important, often by screaming louder than everyone else.
The composition of our inner team depends on our given circumstances, upbringing, and environment.
In my team, for example, there is “the rational.” Its comments are well thought out and very reasonable. It wants results, numbers, and theories—“no emotional bs.” I also have “the perfectionist,” who always insists on excellence and nothing less.
In the past five years my loudest voice was my eating disorder voice. It’s been bullying all the other team members to silence them, frantically screaming the calories I had just eaten or pretending to be “the only one who really cares.”
Here’s how I got my inner team from a one-woman-show (starring my eating disorder voice) to a team of equal partners, trying to achieve a win-win-situation.
How To Manage Your Inner Team
Step 1: Identify the team members.
Who are they? What do they say? Can you give them a name? I suggest you make a sketch to visualize the team constellation.
When I was in therapy, I paid attention throughout the course of one normal day to listen to and identify the voices that popped up.
The first thing in the morning I “heard” a voice telling me that I’d screwed up the day before. It told me that I’d destroyed everything I’d worked for by eating so much and that I had to skip breakfast to make up for it.
This was my eating disorder voice.
Then a quiet little voice spoke up: “Don’t be to hard on yourself, honey. You restricted yourself for so long, you deserve that cake. And not just one little slice. You deserve the whole cake.” This is, what I call, “the Mother,” as my mum (and grandma) always emphasized the importance indulging in food.
This team member deeply cares about me and wants to protect me from starving myself, but as “the Eating Disorder” is so overly powerful, it needs to become more drastic itself.
As I told you, I also embody “the Perfectionist.” During my eating disorder phase, all my team members were affected by the message the eating disorder voice kept yelling.
It’s like you’re being brainwashed. And so were my other team members.
I always had an interest in clean eating and when I tried to integrate this concept in my life, “the Perfectionist” was my biggest enemy. If I ate clean for a whole day, but then had a slice of birthday cake, it would beat me up for not eating 100% clean:
“You’re a failure. You just totally screwed up. Why would you even eat healthy, when eventually you’re always going to ruin everything?”
Then “the Mother” would jump on that wagon, encouraging me to indulge into the cake, while the eating disorder would furiously try to stop me from doing so.
With these and my three other team members, it got messy in my head. The next step gives order to the chaos.
Step 2: Listen carefully.
Now every team member gets the chance to explain him or herself in greater detail. Make sure to listen carefully to every one and write down the main arguments.
Some of mine included:
Eating disorder: “I just want you to be skinny so that you’re confident and no one can hurt you. So please stop eating so much.”
Perfectionist: “If you stop making mistakes, people will like you. When you’re perfect, they’ll have nothing to criticize.”
Mother: “You are stressed, I can feel it. Have some cake to calm down; you deserve it. You have to take care of yourself.”
Only if you truly accept each team member will you understand its message. Think of a team at work. You have to accept people and face them with openness so that they are willing to share their thoughts with you. Only then can you really try to understand what they want need.
Step 3: Brainstorm.
In the previous step you acknowledged each of your team members and gave them permission to exist. Now dig into what each one of them really needs.
Let’s go back to my example and have a closer look on what my team really wants and needs:
Eating Disorder: I want to protect you and I want you to love yourself so that you can be confident around other people.
Perfectionist: I want to protect you from the pain of not being liked.
Mother: I want to help you comfort and take care of yourself.
Slightly different from what their message was before, isn’t it?
Now it’s time to get creative: How can you satisfy the needs in a healthy way? A piece of cake won’t give you any comfort or make you feel less stressed. All it does is provide energy for your body, when what you really need might be a break.
Step 4: Decide.
Now that you’re aware of the different motivations, concerns, and needs, it’s easier for you to make an informed and self-determined decision.
I easily get stressed and would turn to food for comfort. Now that I’m aware of this pattern it’s easier for me to resist the urge to swallow down a jar of peanut butter and do some light yoga instead.
When my eating disorder voice starts saying that I have to lose weight to be liked, I start talking to it. I say that I heard and appreciate its concerns and that I’m working on becoming more confident, but that I’ve decided to try a different approach this time.
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This is my version of the Inner Team framework, and even if seems a little strange at first to “communicate with your inner voices,” it’s so beneficial.
This process gives you the chance to take a step back and slow down instead of rushing through life one autopilot decision after another.
You become mindful.
By allowing all your inner voices to co-exist, you reduce their tendency to catch your attention through “screaming.” Acknowledge their right to exist and know that they do want the best for you, though their suggestions aren’t always right.
I can genuinely say that I finally arrived at a point where I am in charge. Thanks to my inner team, I have the power to choose.
And I choose a healthy life.
Photo credit: © Mariayunira | Stress Woman Photo
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The Technology of Joy: Tools for Happiness (Interview & Book Giveaway)
Update – The winners for this giveaway are:
- D. Arturo Gutierrez
- Preston Cox
- Kathleen Han
If you’re anything like me, you may think that technology can be both a blessing and a curse.
Sometimes I lament that we now live in a world where tiny screens often hinder real-world engagement, and social media can create pressure to entertain an audience our peers by sensationalizing our everyday lives.
But then I remember that technology is just a tool, and its affects depend on how we use it. Sure, technology can create distance and exacerbate the struggle to be authentic, but it can also do the opposite if we use our gadgets to create deeper, more meaningful connections.
In much the same way, technology can increase feelings of isolation and depression, or it can contribute to our overall well-being. It all depends on our intention and our choices.
Since I am always interested in discovering new tools to increase my joy and foster inner peace, I was excited to learn about psychotherapist Jonathan Robinson’s new book The Technology of Joy: The 101 Best Apps, Gadgets, Tools and Supplements for Feeling More Delight in Your Life.
His book covers a variety of methods to boost your joy, including:
- Gadgets that can enhance pleasure, deepen relationships, and help you feel gratitude
- Specific apps that have been shown to make people happier and create more loving relationships
- Supplements that can induce euphoria, elation, and feelings of connection and peacefulness
You’ll learn what these tools can do for you, and how and where to get these happiness hacks. In addition, you’ll discover how to know which of these tools are most likely to be the best ones for you.
I’m grateful that Jonathan took the time to answer some questions about his work and his book, and that he’s provided three free copies for Tiny Buddha readers.
THE GIVEAWAYTo enter to win one of three free copies of The Technology of Joy:
- Leave a comment below
- For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a free copy of The Technology of Joy http://bit.ly/1qYeSk8
You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, April 25th.
THE INTERVIEW
1. Tell us a little about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.
I’ve been a psychotherapist for thirty years, as well as someone who has been interested in such things as meditation, hypnosis, and the use of various drugs. Since I like to feel joy and ecstasy, I’ve always been on the lookout for any simple technique or tool that can safely help me to feel fantastic.
Over time, I have collected a lot of gadgets, tools, and supplements that can do that. In fact, my friends often come to my house to “get high”—without needing to ingest drugs—by making use of my various tools.
They eventually wanted to know where to get all these things, so in my book I laid out the best of what I’ve learned and used over the years.
2. A lot of your work focuses on finding peace and happiness. Why do you think so many of us struggle with depression these days?
We used to spend more time with nature, or with a caring family or spiritual community. Yet nowadays those things are hard to find. We live in a stressful culture, and yet we are not taught how to let go of the ongoing stress we are subject to.
Now more than ever it’s important for people to find happiness and peace within themselves. To do this takes practice and the right equipment—just like learning to cook or play tennis. Most people have not invested in learning good practices or finding the right equipment (technologies) for overcoming depression and/or being happy.
3. You’re a proponent of treating depression without antidepressants. I find that people often get quite upset by the suggestion that they can heal without medication. Why do you think this is such a hot button issue, and do you believe anyone can treat depression through alternative means?
Studies at Harvard show that antidepressants are no better than placebos for 93% of the people taking them. For the other 7%, I believe (and research shows) that antidepressants can be very helpful.
The reason I think this is a hot button issue is that people want to blame their depression on a “brain imbalance,” and thereby abdicate that there is anything they can do to help alleviate it. Yet, the research shows that there are many things people can do that are more helpful than taking antidepressants for overcoming depression.
If people want more information about that, I have a whole website dedicated to it at: www.FromSad2Glad.com
4. How did you come across the 101 methods you shared in your book?
I have long had a fascination with methods that are quick, easy, and powerful. For thirty years it has been a “hobby” of mine to research and try out anything that I thought might help myself or others feel more joy and peace.
Most things out there don’t work very well, but every now and then I would come across a supplement, app, or gadget that really worked extremely well. Such tools have made my life a lot richer, more peaceful, and joyous.
5. Which of the methods have you found most personally helpful, and why?
I’ve noticed that different things work for different people, but personally I have really enjoyed certain cognitive enhancing supplements such as Sulbutiamine and CDP Choline—especially when taken together.
I also love something called “the Tingler,” a neuro-stimulator called “the Thync,” and about a dozen high tech audio soundscapes that I name in the book that help induce feelings of peace, joy, and even ecstasy. If you try enough things out, you soon find things that fit what you really want, and are convenient enough that you really use them.
6. What did you learn from your interview with the Dalai Lama about these technologies?
The Dalai Lama was extremely interested in these technologies. In fact, he said, “If it was possible to become free of negative emotions by a riskless implementation of an electrode without impairing intelligence and the critical mind—I would be the first patient.”
He has long supported research into the brain in order to help facilitate what could be called the “engineering of enlightenment.” I believe that someday soon, we will all be able to more easily reach higher states of consciousness with the aid of various technologies. They have certainly helped me.
7. You mentioned a bunch of joy-boosting apps. Which were your favorites, and why?
There are a lot of them out there. I list over thirty of them in my book. Yet the ones I find myself using the most are ones called Happier, Buddhify, Headspace, and Gratitude Journal.
Many of these have simple and quick guided meditations that make me feel really good, or have ways to help me tap into feelings of gratitude. I also like one called Couple that helps to deepen one’s primary relationship.
8. You talk about a magical mantra that leads to gratitude. Can you share what that mantra is?
Many years ago, I went to India to visit a guru who supposedly had a “magical mantra” for feeling gratitude. When I finally got a chance to talk to this guru, he said, “Whenever possible, repeat the following words: the mantra I give you are the words ‘thank you.’”
Hearing that, I was very disappointed. I looked at him and said, “That’s it?” He responded, “No, ‘that’s it’ is the mantra you have been using, and that mantra makes you feel like you never have enough. My mantra is ‘thank you,’ not ‘that’s it.’ ‘That’s it’ will take you nowhere!”
Well, to make a long story short, although I was disappointed with this so-called “magical mantra,” since I had journeyed so far to get it, I started to use it.
Many times a day I’d say “thank you”—from my heart—for life’s many blessings. I’d say “thank you” to God or the Universe for a hot shower, a good meal, a hug from my wife, a greeting from my dog—whatever. Soon, I noticed I was feeling a lot more gratitude in my life. His “mantra” really worked!
9. What do you think the future of “hacking happiness” will look like?
Slowly but surely scientists will figure out even better ways to help us let go of stress, negative emotions, and suffering. In addition, new tools and supplements will be developed that help people to tap into the “kingdom of heaven within.”
Fortunately, that “future” is already here—but most people don’t know about the great tools and supplements that already exist. In the future, these tools and supplements will become more popular, more convenient, and even less expensive.
10. What is the most important thing you want people to take from your book?
I want people to get that in order to feel more joy, love, or gratitude in life, there are many tools, gadgets, and supplements that can really help. By investing a little time and money in learning what works for you, your life can become a lot richer and more enjoyable.
You can learn more about The Technology of Joy on Amazon here.
FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.
Woman with cell phone image via Shutterstock
