Tiny Buddha

Tag: passion

  • 3 Often Overlooked Causes of Anxiety (And What to Do About Them)

    3 Often Overlooked Causes of Anxiety (And What to Do About Them)

    “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” ~ Albert Einstein

    An anxious mind is a hard burden to bear. In fact, if you suffer from an anxious mind it can truly feel like a curse.

    The racing thoughts. The daily tirade of “what ifs.” The relentless voice of your inner critic constantly nagging you and deriding your every move.

    And the worst part is that the mental chatter feels uncontrollable. Truly, there were times when I struggled in vain to quiet my mind.

    It was like there was some hub or center in my brain that had gone haywire, flipped into overdrive, and couldn’t be switched off.

    I used to despair a lot over my unquiet mind. Even the great spiritual masters struggled to achieve mastery over their minds, so how could I?

    I read a lot about mindfulness and tried some mental mastery techniques like the Sedona Method and Emotional Freedom Technique. I meditated. These techniques helped, but the results would only last for a short time; the underlying issues driving my anxiety persisted and whatever peace I got would be short-lived.

    I eventually realized that if I was to quiet my chatterbox mind I would have to stop trying to control my mind and focus instead on letting my anxiety teach me what it wanted to teach me.

    I started keeping a dream journal (I had many of the typical anxiety dreams). I also started to get real with myself, sitting still with my anxious thoughts whenever they occurred and letting myself be receptive to what they were trying to show me.

    I went from trying to control and resist my anxious thoughts to the deeper place of understanding their underlying message and inherent wisdom. Here’s what I discovered.

    An anxious mind can be caused by:

    1. Unresolved relationship issues

    It turns out an anxious mind can be caused by unresolved issues in our interpersonal relationships. The anger, jealousy, regret, or unspoken feelings (positive or negative) that we harbor toward people lives on in our subconscious minds, undermining our inner peace. This is true even when we are not around those people or consciously focusing on them.

    For me, I had spent many years silently harboring anger toward my mother and father for perceived failures as parents. I was also holding on to an infatuation with a former flame that I hadn’t seen in years, and was still mentally “tuned into” negative relationship dynamics from as far back as my high school years.

    As I began to face up to these unresolved relational issues, releasing people from my heart’s tribunal, my anxiety decreased to a surprising extent. I literally felt like I could breathe easier.

    2. Unexpressed gifts or desires

    Anxious thoughts can be the result of unexpressed gifts, especially if the thoughts center around your career or how you spend your free time. In this way, anxiety is a manifestation of inner guidance.

    There is some gift or higher aspect of who you are that wants and needs to be expressed, but that has been denied expression because of fear.

    Psychologists have figured out that human beings have an inherent drive for self-actualization—to fulfill our individual potential. When there are obstructions to self-actualization, anxiety takes root.

    In ancient times, prophets often spoke of the urge to prophesy as being like a “fire shut up in their bones.”

    Anxiety is like this―a bottled-up feeling of having something inside of you that you long to express. The gift, desire, or calling within that longs for expression is bigger than you; it is tied up with your purpose for existing, which is why it feels so painful when it is suppressed.

    For me, my anxiety was telling me that I had a gift for using words and expressing myself through writing that I wasn’t cultivating enough. I also had leadership abilities and a yearning for spiritual development that I was ignoring.

    It could be latent artistic gifts, the secret desire to adopt a child, or a pull toward motivational speaking. Whatever it is, learning to express it will work wonders for your anxiety.

    3. Guilt

    Guilt is the emotional and cognitive state we experience when we feel we have done something wrong. We may have violated our own moral code or expectations, or those of others, or we may simply think that we have done something wrong even when we haven’t.

    Whatever the case, we feel judged (or we judge ourselves harshly and unforgivingly) for our actions, thoughts, or simply for being who we are.

    And because it’s so hard to express guilt (it’s not like anger where you can punch some pillows), guilt is often an internalized emotion, commonly referred to as a “bothered conscience.” Guilt sinks deep into our subconscious and manifests as anxious thoughts―it’s like our inner critic on heroin.

    At one time I harbored a lot of guilt over old friendships I had broken off. I had broken off those friendships because they were limiting my growth yet I still felt like I had violated my own standards of what it meant to be a good friend, hence the guilt.

    I walked around for years with a lot of anxiety because my guilt-tripped inner critic was always telling me that I hadn’t been a good friend in the past and never would be.

    I would feel guilty if I was anything less than the perfect, always-available, always-upbeat friend, and the fear that I wasn’t a good friend made me anxious about forming new friendships. I was always worried that I was doomed to mess up my friendships.

    It was only by examining my guilt more closely that I came to understand that my standards of being a good friend were irrational; after all, people change, it’s okay to move on, and you don’t have to be a perfect person to be a good friend.

    So our guilt is often irrational or out of proportion with what’s really at stake. And even if you feel your guilt is justified, remember everyone makes mistakes.

    You deserve self-compassion. So embrace it and put your anxious mind at ease!

  • How to Release Anxiety and Feel Peaceful, Calm, and Free

    How to Release Anxiety and Feel Peaceful, Calm, and Free

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    For a long time I have struggled with episodes of anxiety. At times, I’ve gotten a feeling of crushing fear that occurs even in situations that most people consider to be safe.

    The first episodes I remember were from my early childhood, when I was so frightened that I used to cry all the way from home to kindergarten because I didn’t want to go, although I apparently had no reason.

    As I grew up, I learned to hide this anxiety by doing the things I was good at. During high school I discovered that I loved computers, and I felt confident and safe, as I knew that I could achieve something in this field.

    When it was time to go to college, I decided to study computer science. I wanted to build applications, as many as possible. But I soon discovered that school was not like that; long classes of mathematics and physics were ahead of me, classes that had nothing to do with my dream.

    During my second year, my anxiety started to strike back. I was feeling exhausted, and I had a feeling that everything I did was worthless.

    After some months of living with the fear, I decided to do something about it: I took a shot at one of the local software companies. Although there were a lot of obstacles, I was willing to fight them all, as I had the feeling that I was on the right track again.

    The next hop was during my fourth and final year when I started to feel that I was stuck in one place.

    The tasks I’d been given at work were very similar, and I started feeling bored. But behind this feeling of boredom, my anxiety grew again. Along with this anxiety came a feeling of frustration, because I thought I wasn’t able to change my job.

    When I finally decided to go, I found out that the step was too big for me. My body suffered under the huge amount of stress that I had put on myself over the years.

    Although my colleagues at my new workplace were friendly, I couldn’t break the feeling of fear. I quit after three weeks, deciding to take a long break to think about my future.

    What I didn’t know at the time was that my anxiety would come with me wherever I went.

    I needed a brand new way of dealing with it, so I decided to break it once and for all by developing a healthier mindset.

    Here are some of the realizations and choices that helped me release my anxiety, along with how I put them into practice. Anxiety can have many different causes, but perhaps something from my experience will be helpful to you:

    1. Remember that good enough is the new perfect.

    I’ve always tried to be the best in everything I’ve done, and this has led to a huge amount of anger and stress. I decided that it was okay to let go from time to time. I didn’t have to get nervous for every exam; I didn’t have to win all the time. It was okay just to play the game.

    Doing this, I also managed to develop better friendships and relationships. I discovered that my “I want to win everything” attitude was placing everyone in an enemy position.

    When you focus less on being the best, you release the pressure you’ve put on yourself.

    2. Stop multitasking.

    Although this may not seem to have anything to do with anxiety, it’s related. I used to do a lot of things at the same time: work, check my phone, answer emails, make small talk with somebody, and so on.

    These interruptions made me lose track of where I was standing, and those times when you feel lost are a great place for anxiety to settle in.

    Focus on one thing at a time and be mindful in that one activity, and you’ll naturally feel less anxious.

    3. Stop avoiding things that you don’t like.

    I was always afraid of going to crowded places, such as supermarkets and malls. I’d tell myself, “This time it’s okay not to go. Next time you’ll feel more confident.”

    But that never happened. The next time I had to face the situation, my body knew that the previous time, I had let fear win. So instead of dealing with the feelings in one situation, I had to deal with feelings from two.

    Now, instead of avoiding things when I am scared, I always tell myself, “This is the best time to face my fear! Bring it on!”

    Don’t hide from the unavoidable situations that make you anxious; little by little, condition yourself to work through your feelings.

    4. Find a passion that calms you.

    I noticed that in periods of great stress I seemed to have nothing to enjoy. Friends would tell me to take a day off or do something I liked, but I had a hard time finding things I liked.

    During these days I’d sit in my bed, turning from one side to another, and then return to work more tired than I was when I left.

    One day I remembered that, as a kid, I had a dream of running every morning before everybody woke up.

    After a month of daily runs, I can say that I feel awesome. Whenever I feel anxious, I picture myself running, take a few deep breaths, and I calm myself down instantly.

    5. Focus on the things that you can control.

    In the past, I often complained about not feeling well. I was convinced that I was ill, even though I had lots of medical tests all stating that I was healthy. The symptoms that I encountered were dizziness, lightheadedness, and tension all over my body.

    As frightening as these were at the time, I realized that it was my obsession with control that was causing them. I was always asking myself, “Am I feeling well?“

    In worrying about the symptom, it became real.

    I’ve learned that I cannot control my body. I can only control my thoughts—but my thoughts directly influence how I feel physically. Now and then when I feel dizzy, I take a moment to ask myself, “Am I causing this by worrying?”

    6. See anxiety as an opportunity.

    In retrospect, I see that anxiety was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. It was when I felt anxious that I knew that I had to make changes—with my approach to my work, my passions, and my mindset.

    Anxiety goes away only when we learn what it’s teaching us. That is when we can move on.

  • Create Your Life: Having Nothing Can Mean Having Everything

    Create Your Life: Having Nothing Can Mean Having Everything

    Man and the sun

    “Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.” ~Unknown

    A decade ago, as a nomadic adventure-seeker, I traveled and lived in Belize. I’ve always been a dream chaser, which means if I dream it, I start living it.

    My twenty-year-old self was convinced living the island life in the soulful country of Belize was my dream and gateway to happiness.

    After about a year of a major reality check—living on an island is very different than vacationing on an island! I felt totally empty. I felt like I had nothing.

    Seriously, I had no job or city to go back to. Yet, it was just the breakdown I needed to move to the other side of the breakthrough.

    A friend I met down there, another nomadic adventurer, said it so simple and straight:

    “Well, since you got nothing, you’re really free to do anything.”

    And in that moment was a major mental mind-shift:

    Having nothing also means having everything.

    That made it easy to get off my sorry butt and take full charge of the limitless possibilities in my life.

    In the empty space of having nothing, there is plenty of room for the new and incredible to make its way in.

    And that’s what I am sharing today:

    If you feel like something is missing, or if you feel like you are not where you want to be, if you feel like “This is not it!” You know what? Within the “This is not it” rests the answer of your “Yes! This is it” life.

    If you are not living the life you want, the biggest hurdle you face is within your own mind. As said by Anthony Robbins:

    “It’s not about resources, it’s about resourcefulness.”

    Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, use that to fire up what you want.

    If you want anything to change in your life, you need to change your mind first. If you feel like you are in a the midst of a breakdown—like things around you are falling apart and not going the way you hoped, you need to first change your mind and then choose another way.

    The energy around a breakdown is heavy. However, energy is just energy. Instead of labeling the breakdown as “bad,” imagine un-charging the heaviness, and simply seeing it as pure energy. That pure energy is pure potential.

    Take that massive amount of energy from the breakdown and transform it into your breakthrough moment.

    If I had remained in my funked-out state, worrying that I have no job and no home, I never would have started researching new places to live, and new things to learn, and the new life I wanted to create.

    I took the energy of the breakdown and redirected it into taking action to change my circumstances.

    The moment I shifted my perception, my reality changed.

    As Marianne Williamson says, “A miracle is just a shift in perception.”

    And that is what happened to me that day. It was a miracle.

    A shift in my perception led me from living in a situation that was no longer serving any joy or purpose, and directed me to move to Vancouver and study holistic nutrition, which has played a massive role in my joy and purpose.

    Whatever is not working in your life, you can make a miracle out if it, too.

    All you need to do is take that first step and decide.

    If you are feeling in a funk, or like things are just not working out, take that energy and redirect it.

    Start by simply giving yourself permission to fully feel the pain you are in. Once you can accept that your current circumstances are no longer serving you, you can choose to deliberately change it.

    Give yourself permission to take “thinking time.” Life can get so busy, and often when we don’t like where our life is, we fill it with things to do so that we don’t have to think about our unhappiness.

    However, this doesn’t help us get out of our funk. This is what keeps us stuck in a perpetual state of unhappiness.

    Give yourself permission to think. Go outside in nature and give yourself an hour of pure thinking time. Ask yourself: What do I want in my life? What is my dream solution?

    The answers are inside of us. All we need is to give a little time to take care of our emotional body so that we can break free from the self-made blocks that leave us feeling heavy and unhappy.

    Once you give yourself time to think, you will often start to shift into a new mindset full of possibilities. The most important thing at this stage will be to make an action plan to actually change how you are living.

    Ask yourself, what step can you take today to make your life lighter? What can you let go of that is no longer serving you?

    Sometimes it will be a radical change, like moving to a new city and starting a new job, or studying something brand new. Other times it can be as simple as integrating a new healthy eating habit or daily exercise routine.

    Whatever it is, make sure you take action so that you actually breakthrough to the other side and live a life of more meaning and fulfillment.

    Now it’s your turn.

    Have you ever experienced a shift in perception that helped you get unstuck? Or are you in a place that feels stuck and you’re finally ready to shift your perspective?

    Share your story and insights in the comments below. Your contribution helps us all grow!

    Photo by Leland Francisco

  • Try This If You’re Struggling to Find Your Passion

    Try This If You’re Struggling to Find Your Passion

    “Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

    For the past three years, I’ve been in the throes of a quarter-life crisis.

    Just a few months into my first cubicle-bound job, I had the life-altering realization that most everyone comes to eventually: I’m going to work a job every day for the next forty-plus of my life. If I want to make that enjoyable, I need to be living my purpose and engaging my passions.

    Knowing that life is short and the best time to change is now, I dove headfirst into reading and implementing advice on how I could discover and live my passion. 

    In the three-year search, I registered for hobbies that interested me. I researched and pursued various careers. I talked to my friends about what I was good at. I encouraged my husband to find his passions so that we were both supported in this dream. I waited patiently and openly for inspiration.

    Soon enough, some of my passions bubbled up to the surface in easily identifiable ways.

    I loved writing, interacting with people one on one, business, yoga, rescue animals, chocolate, coffee houses, and digital newspapers.

    To see what ideas “stuck,” I started businesses, changed careers, wrote freelance, initiated a local yoga community, volunteered, and truly “discovered” myself.

    But these attempts at finding a passion that could become my career always happened the same way—I’d start out with massive bursts of energy, produce great results, and then hear the small voice in my heart whisper, “This isn’t it…there’s something else out there for you.”

    After a couple of years of trying and failing at finding the passion that would stick, I decided to just stop looking for a while.

    In the meantime, I would work hard at my job and come to terms with the fact that the most people never have careers that engage their passions—and maybe that’s okay. After all, I could still have passions outside my work.

    But the drive to create a career around my passion never went away.

    My turning point came one night as I was sitting at home with my husband watching The Legend of Baggar Vance—a movie about a down-on-his-luck golfer who enlists the help of an inspirational golf caddy (Baggar Vance) to perfect his game.

    In one of the scenes, Baggar says to the golfer:

    “Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing. Something we were born with. Something that’s ours and ours alone. Something that can’t be taught to you or learned. Something that got to be remembered.”

    And I sat stunned for a second. Although the movie went on, my mind was stuck on this idea: your passion—your one true authentic gift—has to be remembered.

    For so long, I had been searching, trying new things, exploring jobs, careers, and “attractive” passions outside of myself—without ever trying to remember what passions have been with me all along.

    In an instant of clarity, I remembered that for my whole life, I have been in love with business and personal finance. My father and grandmother had always been very determined to teach me about the flow of money and how starting a business could ensure my freedom.

    From these constant little lessons growing up, I picked up an interest in business that had permeated my life in ways that I just didn’t really recognize.

    I remembered back to the time I was nine years old and told my grandma I’d love to be a financial planner to help people with their business and money, the way she’d helped me develop those skills.

    I remembered too how I sat enthralled reading business magazines on airplanes. I remembered how what I really wanted out of my career was to run my own business one day. I realized that this was a deep, steady current that connected many phases of my life.

    But how could my passion be so… plain? Aren’t passions supposed to be artistic, exotic, or inspirational? Aren’t passions supposed to wow people?

    Perhaps not. Perhaps my passion for the mundane things could be a way to bring life to an otherwise mundane topic—the way your crazy history teacher started talking really fast and excitedly about the Civil Rights movement, making you excited about it too.

    Since this realization, I’ve started pursuing a business in financial coaching, and I am so happy. The small voice in my heart is whispering, “You’re on the right track!” for the first time. I haven’t been distracted by what other things I could be doing. Even better, I am engaging my other passions too.

    If you’re struggling to find your passion, even after trying what feels like doing everything, I encourage you to do this: sit down, open your journal, pour a cup of tea, and try to remember your passions.

    Think back on your life, and remember things you wanted to be, the habits you developed naturally, the games you played, the books you read, and see how they may apply to your life and career today. You might be surprised by the connection points that have been right under your nose all along.

  • What Would Happen If You Did? (And Other Questions That Can Change Your Life)

    What Would Happen If You Did? (And Other Questions That Can Change Your Life)

    “If it’s still in your mind, it is worth taking the risk.” ~ Paulo Coelho

    I felt stuck. Why could I never achieve anything? Why could I never do anything tangible?

    Everyone else seemed to have no problem. You see, my friends could both work hard and grow themselves at the same time.

    Not me.

    I felt stuck.

    Every day when I came home after work I was just exhausted. I had no energy whatsoever to study my Chinese Mandarin (a long-term project of mine) or to go for a jog in the nearby forest. All my energy had been put into a job I didn’t even enjoy that much.

    I just knew I could get more out of life. What I really wanted was to spend time on my own projects—to do what I love the most. Well, to me, the only way I could shift my reality was to basically to change priorities—to put life before work.

    But how? How does one do that?

    In practice, the only tangible solution I could see was to wake up early in the morning. Really, really early. That way I would be able to pour all my fresh energy into what is most important to me.

    But I can’t do that. It’s crazy, right? That would change my entire way of living. It simply doesn’t fit the rest of the world.

    So I decided it was crazy and went on with my life. Until one day when speaking to a colleague. We came upon the topic and after a while he asked me…

    “What would happen if you did?”

    I was silent.

    “Yeah, what would really happen if I did?” I thought.

    And he continued on the same path and said: “What wouldn’t happen if you did?”

    I was silent again. I was thinking.

    I could actually only see positive things happening from making this change in my life. Previously, I hadn’t even had the courage to really get out of the box of the problem and see what choices I had.

    This question expanded my view of the world and literally changed my life. I was not so stuck anymore. And I realized that I had been so focused on the problem that I had been unable to see anything else.

    I guess you can relate to those few moments in life when we finally are able to see something for what it really is. It doesn’t have to happen through a big life-changing question. Sometimes a simple question is enough.

    So with focus on solving my problem I gave it a try, waking up early in the morning. And you see, when I do something, I like to do it big. So I set my goal to rise at 4:00 every morning.

    That would give more than three hours of doing whatever I want with a fresh mind and relaxed body. Hopefully.

    Now, I don’t want you to think that it’s that easy to basically “change time zone” and become an early riser, but with the right mindset anyone is able to.

    For me, it was the question that made it all possible. The question that changed my life.

    I think the main reason this question helped me was because I was brutally honest with myself. There are so many things that actually would (or at least could) happen if I did. At the same time, I realized that none of this would happen unless I went for it.

    For example, I would be able to…

    • Finally start that website of my own.
    • Keep a daily exercise routine without anything getting in my way.
    • Prepare romantic breakfasts for my fiancée, at least once in a while 😉
    • De-stress my entire life by having a few things “under my belt” when work starts already
    • Take a big leap forward in my Chinese studies

    And most important of all, I would be able to…

    • Set the direction of my own life, instead of being just lead down the road life takes me.

    And before I tell you if all this really happened, let’s dig into that questions a little bit more.

    The Question Explained

    I have discovered that this question I mentioned above can actually be part of a bigger pattern. You see, there are four alternatives to this question:

    • What would happen if you did?
    • What would happen if you didn’t?
    • What wouldn’t happen if you did?
    • What wouldn’t happen if you didn’t?

    I like to imagine these questions laid out like four quadrants in a matrix. Usually, we are all stuck in the quadrant “What would happen if you didn’t?”—focusing on the problem at hand.

    What all the other three questions help us to do is to move ourselves away from there and into the other quadrants. You might be able to find that these new quadrants lead to new perspectives and new insights.

    Isn’t that powerful?

    I mean, if you can think of a problem or troublesome situation you have in your life, then you will be able to come out much stronger on the other side after running it through these questions. You can, can you not?

    I have at least realized that by asking myself open and strong questions I can open up my life to more and more possibilities. Asking the questions is just the beginning, but often times getting momentum is the biggest challenge we face.

    So I urge everyone to ask yourself this question as soon as you find yourself stuck. It helped me in one situation and continues to expand my view of the world every day.

    So Does It Really Work?

    It’s not a magic question. But for the purpose of giving me new alternatives of how to live my life, it sure worked well. You see, those things I mentioned before that would happen if I did, that was just the top of the ice berg.

    In fact, I wrote down three full pages, hand written, about how my life could change. And that has been my main source of motivation ever since.

    I can understand if you feel that becoming an early riser is not a really serious life change and that I didn’t have a really tough problem to begin with. If that’s the case, then I encourage you to use this question on ever bigger problems.

    Use it to make real life changes.

    At least I put my life before work nowadays and I feel that I achieve something for me, every single day. That was what the question helped me to do.

    I am now an early riser, speak pretty darn well Chinese, have set up several websites, and am able to take those morning runs almost every day.

    You see, this question literally changed my life.

  • Discover Your True Joy: 5 Ways To Find What You’re Really Chasing

    Discover Your True Joy: 5 Ways To Find What You’re Really Chasing

    Running

    “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

    When my last relationship ended, I found myself suddenly questioning what my goals honestly meant to me. I had focused my past five years steadily chasing a very specific dream with this woman (creating joy, art, and a community in NYC, adopting some dogs, and eventually moving back to California to start a family together).

    At least that’s what we thought we were chasing.

    When we realized that our lives together had become static, that we lacked engaging dynamics, and that we only rarely brought out true joy in each other, our roads abruptly veered and I found myself sans lover, best friend, and collaborator. I also was given a huge opportunity to view my life with fresh eyes.

    I saw that by limiting our vision and chasing only our one shared dream, we were effectively shutting ourselves off from exactly those varied personal experiences that it would take to build our joy, inspire our art, and create that dynamic life we both desired.

    We allowed ourselves to be held back from a meaningful life by chasing the goals we thought it would take to get there. We had gotten stuck in chasing the wrong things for a right reason.

    I began examining what I had been busy chasing in all the aspects of my life. Chasing in my career, chasing in my suddenly newly blossomed singles life, and in the personal identity of who I was now that I wasn’t defined by this external relationship.

    I realized that it was time to shake things up and experience the unexpected.

    Here are some steps to discover what you are truly chasing in life. Try to answer in less than twenty seconds, with the first thing that comes to mind. You might be surprised.

    1. What makes you lose track of time?

    I’ve always liked fixing things and working with my hands. Broken pieces fascinate me as my mind wraps around how they tick. I know there’s a reason if I could only find it. It’s a great puzzle, but sometimes the minuets crawl by. By chasing the outcome (to make it work), I stopped being in the present.

    I discovered that I never feel rushed drawing or painting. No matter how long it takes me to choose a color, from the instant I pick up the brush to the second I put, it down feels like one fluid moment.

    2. What makes you happy?

    It might be sunshine, dogs, laughter, passion, collaboration, or music. I chased my career goals in the music industry by working in a studio without windows or sunlight for ten hours a day, and while it was rewarding to help people realize their dreams and create their art, I realized I was chasing the wrong thing.

    What made me happy wasn’t just making music sound better or tweaking knobs; it was helping people discover and release their albums. When I realized that I was made happy by sharing, by making art, then my goals shifted to be more people and connection focused and left me feeling more fulfilled.

    3. If you didn’t have any bills to pay, what would you do?

    You might sit on a private island by the beach, or maybe start a free service for the less fortunate. I personally realized that I have to create.

    The idea of “free-time” scared me silly, and everything I focused on in life stems back to this deep-seated need to be creating something. Even sitting quietly was creating peace. Once I realized what my driving force was, it became much easier to make choices based on what I knew my true desire to be.

    4. When you are old, what will matter the most?

    You might be chasing things, people, rewards, or achievements that seem huge and important now. You’ve given your all to reach this point, so why give up now? Ask yourself how deeply will it touch people in twenty years, thirty years, fifty years. If I get a gold record, it’s a huge achievement, but I don’t want to be remembered for a plaque on a wall.

    I’d like to be remembered as a warm, living, loving, heartfelt person full of optimism and enthusiasm. A gold sales award doesn’t commemorate that.

    5. What are you really after?

    Honestly ask yourself, what are you getting when you reach the end of this chase? I was chasing goals that I thought would help build the future for my love life, or would help advance my career—there was my “reason”—but having a more advanced career didn’t help me to connect deeply with artists. It wasn’t in tune with my true desires.

    Our relationship appeared to be chasing similar goals, but in the end our chase was actually blocking us from reaching our true selves. Ask yourself if you are chasing out of habit or just for the sake of the chase; be sure you are genuinely working towards your true goals.

    —

    I’ve realized that a lot of what we focus on in life isn’t what’s in line with our true desire. Since then, I’ve cut my time commitment to work in half, and I now use that time to create art and build connections with people who also value the creative life I want to live. It has breathed new life into my actions and helped me understand the deeper reasons for my choices.

    Without walking the long and often painful road, we rarely discover the true reasons why we’re chasing our dreams, even if we have those dreams well defined.

    The only constant is that it never goes according to plan. Let your heart be open to the unexpected and stay flexible and free. Like a dog running after a ball when a squirrel suddenly appears, gleefully embrace the opportunity for a fresh chase and leap onto your new road with joy.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • Be the Hero of Your Story: Make Your Life Count

    Be the Hero of Your Story: Make Your Life Count

    Seize the Moment

    “Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.” ~Walter Anderson

    Flying. I love flying.

    No, I’m not some sick person who likes getting strip-searched by TSA, or waiting several hours to board a flight that should have arrived at my destination already. I hate that part, but I love the part when the plane takes off, and I especially love the part right before the plane touches down.

    Maybe its because I’ve inhaled so much recirculated air, or maybe its because I’m jet lagged and in some overly tired, trance-like state, but I love the initial descent.

    During the initial descent the destination becomes clear when you look outside the window. Oh, I love the window seat. Every time without fail, I gaze outside and look at the lights of the houses and buildings as the plane flies by.

    Every time a very similar thought comes to my mind: Inside each house there is a person or a family, people experiencing highs and lows, people laughing and crying, people living and people dying.

    For some reason this obvious thought is comforting to me. Maybe it’s because it’s proof that although we are all infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things, we are all sharing in a collective human experience.

    I think there is meaning in life, which made this plane ride ultimately more difficult than any other, because I was returning home to bury my twenty-seven-year-old brother.

    A day after the burial, my father and I met up with some of his close friends to collect my brother’s personal belongings and view the site “where it happened.”

    I remember that day so clearly. It was bright and warm for the chilled wintertime in northern California. It wasn’t the type of day you’d expect for death; it was as if the weather didn’t care.

    People asked me why it was so important that I know how it happened. 

    I tried to explain that I just wanted some answers, but a common response was that “knowing” wouldn’t bring him back. Obvious, true, and painful, but I’ve always had a need to know, and I was determined to try and make sense of it and uncover what had happened.

    At the site, I went over all of the possibilities in my head as if I were the investigator. Maybe he’d tried to answer his cell phone? Maybe he’d fallen asleep? Maybe the truck had malfunctioned? Maybe? Maybe? Maybe?

    I needed to know what had caused the one-ton truck to blow over a power pole and crash forty feet across a water-filled ditch into a dirt embankment, causing the truck to fold like an accordion.

    Maybe I needed to know because I have an image in my head of my brother lying helpless in the mangled cabin of that truck, waiting, hoping for someone to come out there and help him.

    According to the traffic and police reports, it was almost two hours until someone arrived on scene because he was commuting in the country. In fact, if he hadn’t hit a power pole, and someone hadn’t been unable to watch their midnight TV programming, it may have even been longer till someone got out to the site.

    The police report said that my brother was pronounced dead at the time of arrival, but still, my thoughts turn to those unaccounted-for two hours.

    Fate. Is there a single force that determines our lives? Maybe there is a higher power that has a plan for all of us? Maybe we have the ability to determine our own destiny? Maybe? Maybe? Maybe?

    I don’t find comfort in answers that rely upon faith. I come from the school of doubt. I am not out to discredit anyone’s religion or philosophies on life; on the contrary, I think all can be good if they help each person live a meaningful and responsible life, but there are simply more questions than answers, and I don’t want to base my life on theory.

    I am not a pessimistic person—you can ask anyone who knows me—but I instantly discredit everything, even my own ideas. It seems there is some sort of circular logic paradox, where for every idea, there is another idea that counters it. Life is one big paradox.

    “Life sucks, and then you….”

    I’m sorry for the cliché, but this is important. We’ve all heard this phrase before, and we know how it ends: “…and then you die.”

    But if you are reading this, you are not dead yet. And if you have felt the way I’ve felt, life does suck.

    No sense trying to sugar coat it: sometimes, it just plain sucks. I’m here to tell you that that’s okay. In fact, it’s good that life sometimes sucks—and you’re not dead yet.

    I recall the last time I saw my brother alive. Fortunately, I made the decision to take additional time off of work for Thanksgiving instead of Christmas, and got a few additional days with him.

    On my Thanksgiving trip back home, we did a lot of our regular activities: We BSed about good times in the past, drank and sang karaoke at our favorite Irish Pub, singing till our throats got sore and then singing some more, and we spent time with our family and friends.

    However, this trip home, and this time spent with my brother, was different from any other time.

    My brother spent most of his adult life with a large chip on his shoulder. I suppose a lot of people have such chips weighing them down because “life sucks.” This was his attitude.

    Not all the time, of course. He had some great times, some amazing moments; I know this because we had them together. But the chip was always there, sometimes just below the surface.

    On this last trip home, something was different. We still went out drinking at karaoke, but this time he put me in the cab. This time he picked up the bill. This time his chip had some real passion behind it.

    He told me definite plans he had for the future. He had started to seriously date. He had even picked a vocation that he was happy about; he was going to be an electrician, saying to me, “I like working with my hands.”

    Make no mistakes about it: my brother had started taking responsibility for his life.

    “Life sucks, and then you die” is an incomplete sentence. It’s the wrong side of the paradox to take because meaning in life comes from what we each do. Life just is, and we are all unique artists with the ability to create our own masterpiece. If positive and negative are two sides of a coin, we don’t have to flip it and leave it to chance.

    I have often asked myself, if I died right now, how would I feel about my life? The retrospective questions seem to supply the fullest answers.

    Maybe you have done this before, or maybe this is the first time you have dared to ask such a question. Everyone’s answer may be different, and the way they feel about it may be different.

    Regardless, it can be empowering. Life is all we know for certain we have. Say what you will about religious belief and potential other planes of existence. The now is here; living it fully is about believing and having faith in ourselves.

    What I saw in my brother that day, for the first time, was a slight shift in attitude that had moved him into action. He’d started to be the hero of his own life story.

    Tragic as the brevity of his life is, the real tragedy would have been never making the change. My brother Justin is my inspiration, a source of newfound strength, and a reminder that it is never too late to start a new journey.

    During the initial descent, the destination becomes clear when you look out the window. Flying overhead I see the shimmering lights of human experience and I have perspective; when I land, it is up to me to decide what to do.

    Photo here

  • Becoming Alive Again: Find Happiness Right Where You Are

    Becoming Alive Again: Find Happiness Right Where You Are

    “Letting go of the past means that you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

    For many of us, life spits out the very real scenario of “one day to the next.” As we go through the motions, our daily routine, whatever that entails, our life becomes predictable. We feel like it’s Groundhog Day. As we land our feet on the ground when we wake each morning, we feel like we are back on the merry-go-round of life.

    For me, as I woke every morning, I questioned myself: “Is this it? Am I to feel like this every day?”

    I wanted to feel alive again. All those teenage dreams, those adolescent aspirations that I once had when life was fairly simple, were now gone.

    A time when once I felt like I could be anything and have it all had now faded, and my life started to feel a little grey.

    Initially I sought out help from a therapist. I wanted to find that person again, the one who had passion about life, but I needed help. I needed direction. Of course, the therapist was not able to solve my problems. But she gave me hope. Hope with compromise.

    She helped me to understand the idea of seasons. We all go through life, and our life has seasons of its own. Not the temperate kind that we know, but periods of change, growth. Some of those seasons are not as joyous or productive as others. For me at that time, well, quite frankly it just wasn’t my season. It was my winter. I wanted spring!

    Over time I came to accept that the stage of life that I was in could not be changed. I was a responsible adult to three children, I was married, and I was employed in a job that I was satisfied with and we had a mortgage. There were mouths to feed and bills to pay.

    All extremely sensible, and with choice I could have left my entire domestic scenario and uprooted my tribe, and radically adjusted our lifestyle in order to find what it was I felt was missing. To be honest, I wanted to escape domesticity; I wanted an easy out, in the hope that I would get back my creativity and my passion for life.

    However, the adult in me knew that this would be unfair to many of those around me.

    So here’s what I did—eventually (certainly not overnight!).

    I developed in my mind and on paper a ten-year plan for my career.

    I am happy in the job that I am doing—not skipping over rainbows happy, but close to home, great people to work with happy. I am satisfied for the moment; however, I don’t want to be here employed in my place of work in ten years time.

    I thought about where my family would be in ten years—how old they would be, how much of a commitment they would need from me. That commitment would shift in ten years because of their growth, and so would my priorities about where I worked.

    So I enrolled to study so that I can head into a different career path in ten years. While it may seem a long way off, how often do we look back on ten years and wonder where it went?

    Making long-term goals for your career allows you to commit to something new and achieve a path to career fulfilment.

    I accepted that there were things about my life that I couldn’t change and I stopped torturing myself about them.

    I couldn’t, at that time, change where I lived. My children were settled in a school, my job was secure and relatively satisfying, so really there was no reason to leave. If we did move, our mortgage costs would increase and this would simply exacerbate stress on our lives.

    I was at a point of practicalities in my life and needed to accept them, not regret them. Torturing myself about choices I had made during my life was not helpful.

    It’s not productive to wish for a life you didn’t live. Dwelling on regret is torturing yourself, because focusing on choices you made in the past won’t help you create momentum in the present.

    I learned to focus on what I already have, rather than what I want.

    I think about how grateful I am for the health and well-being of those around me who I love and adore.

    In the commercial world of today, we are surrounded and hounded to buy this and buy that, and be this and be that, and to want and want and then want more—because advertisers and marketers tell us that we won’t be good enough if we don’t want more!

    Focus on the great things you have already and hug those beautiful people who fill your life with love and friendship right now.

    I made a list of “do-able” things that make me happy. 

    While some of those adolescent and young adulthood dreams and hopes are not achievable right now, I wrote a list of things that I like to do or that challenge me. They’re things that I aspired to do in my past life but just never got around to.

    Writing is one. Yoga and walks on my own keep my mind and body balanced. Listening to music brings me joy.

    It’s about connecting with our passion for all those little things that we forget are the foundation of who we are—things that form the spirit within us. Keeping it simple is best. Strip your “happiness list” back to basics.

    It may be taking a bubble bath, or reading a particular book. Or it may be something bigger, like learning the guitar or running a marathon.

    I took myself on a trip. On my own. Overseas! 

    It was a beautiful destination—tropical, beaches, resort style accommodation, happy hour! Sounds wonderful, but in all honesty, I was petrified. I had to travel on a plane for eight hours, enter a foreign country, and be exposed to a culture entirely different to mine.

    I hate flying, was scared of catching some awful tummy bug, and wasn’t even sure if I would come back alive. No one would know if something happened to me—at least not for a while. But guess what? All those mixed emotions—the fear, the worry, the excitement, and the anticipation—all of it made me feel alive again.

    I was feeling! I was feeling emotions that I hadn’t felt for a long time. Every morning I would walk along the beach. I drank beer at 11am. I lay in the shallows of the ocean and watched tiny transparent fish dart around me. I walked in the afternoon tropical rainstorm. I ate in restaurants alone.

    So the question is: Where would you like to go? Ask yourself that and take yourself there—even if it’s just to a local tourist destination. Sometimes the closest journeys are the most satisfying. Reward yourself and take a trip to a place you have never been before.

    Becoming alive again was a journey, and from time to time I have to stop and regroup with all those feelings. Then once again I’m alive and smiling inside. You can be too.

  • The Time to Act Is Now: Get Out There and Seize the Moment

    The Time to Act Is Now: Get Out There and Seize the Moment

    Leap in the Air

    “Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you won’t do anything with it.” ~M. Scott Peck

    For most of my life, I thought I had no ambition.

    To be fair, I thought it because it was true. Don’t get me wrong. I had ambition to keep living, to shower daily, and to seek out entertainment at the end of my miserable days working in customer service. Still, regardless of how miserable those days were, I wasn’t motivated to change my life path.

    I used to wish for ambition, in that vague sense that was part fervent desire and part dismissal. I wanted it, but thought that it wasn’t part of me. If I didn’t have enough ambition to become ambitious, what was the point?

    Then I got cancer, and I realized that sometimes things come to us in the most strange and horrible ways.

    I was 35 when I was diagnosed. I had an associate’s degree and worked at a dead-end job, answering phones and writing down messages. All of a sudden, I had this…this disease, and what had I done with my life? What did I have to be proud of?

    I was proud of one thing. I had an amazing son, and since the day he was born, I had poured all of my life into him. At 14, he was already fiercely independent, and didn’t need me like I needed him.

    With cancer, my motivation didn’t need to kick in immediately. All of the decisions were made for me. I had an advanced grade of tumor, and although I was Stage One, my oncologist insisted that I needed chemotherapy, followed by radiation.

    I didn’t realize overnight that I had motivation. It was a slow dawning upon me.

    At first it just felt like I was doing what I needed to do to get through every day. Losing my hair filled me with resolve to become an advocate and show others what beauty from within could look like. I very deliberately didn’t wear my wig because I felt that hiding behind it sent a message of its own, one I didn’t want to endorse.

    Cancer woke me up to the possibilities my life still had. The one thing I got out of it was that I wanted to live, and living now meant doing everything I had never realized I really needed to do.

    I began chemo in March 2011, and followed it with 33 radiation treatments. I thought my breast was going to fall off on its own by the end, but I finished in July and hit the ground running.

    I went back to college in August, received my bachelor’s degree in May, and was accepted to graduate school that fall. I began the program in January of this year, and applied for and got a graduate assistant position. I also manage a movie theater for my second job.

    When I went for my enrollment appointment with my advisor, she expressed concern that I was doing too much, that I was pushing myself too hard.

    I couldn’t explain to her what it felt like to sleep through 35 years of life and suddenly feel like you were awake for the first time. I couldn’t explain that there was no such thing as too hard when every day I felt ecstatically, unbelievably alive.

    Today, I have all the motivation I ever thought I wanted and then some. I beat cancer, and if I have a recurrence, I’ll beat it again. I have a lot of time to make up for, and every single day is a gift.

    Do I still have lazy days? You bet I do. But my days are filled with purpose now instead of longing, and for that I am so glad.

    I was talking to a friend recently, and I told him that I was grateful to have had cancer. He couldn’t believe I said that, and frankly, neither could I, but as I said it I knew it was true. Sometimes we get answers to wishes that we didn’t even know we wished for. Sometimes those answers feel more like burdens to bear.

    But cancer was what I needed to survive to realize that life was too short to be miserable. Do I recommend that everyone get cancer to get through life? Of course not, but there are themes that apply to everyone.

    Overcoming obstacles.

    Powering through in the face of adversity.

    Getting up and going when all you want to do is rest.

    My favorite saying is “You have to get there yourself.” You absolutely do. There is no one or nothing that can force you to do that which you do not want to do.

    You might be drifting in your own life, and thinking that you want a change. I can’t tell you how to do that.

    If you’re a fellow drifter, my best advice is to work on giving up your limiting beliefs about what you’re capable of doing.

    No matter who you are, how old you are, what your health is like, you are so much stronger than you realize. I spent 35 years wishing that I was different, and that got me nowhere. The time to act is now.

    Now get out there and seize your moment. And when you’re done with that, seize another.

    Photo by Lauren Manning

  • Don’t Wait for a Major Wake Up Call to Start Loving Your Life

    Don’t Wait for a Major Wake Up Call to Start Loving Your Life

    Screen shot 2013-08-09 at 8.06.21 PM

    “Sometimes in tragedy we find our life’s purpose. The eye sheds a tear to find its focus.” ~Robert Brault

    “Lay still. We think both your arms are broken.”

    I obeyed the police officer and stopped struggling to rise from the hard, cold pavement.

    An ambulance soon had me in emergency, where I discovered that my problem was a lot worse than broken arms.

    My right arm had to be amputated. My left arm was paralyzed. I had no more use of my arms.

    I laughed my way through my long hospital stay.

    No one could understand how a man who had lost his arms could laugh so happily.

    I couldn’t explain it to anyone, but I was feeling a vast sense of relief. My old way of life had been stripped away in an instant.

    My family had always worked as loggers or fishermen, and before the accident, I felt stuck emotionally and unable to leave my blue collar social group. What they saw as disaster, I saw as liberating. I knew I would never have to use a chainsaw to cut trees again.

    At thirty years of age, I had been given a whole new life.

    I was free. Free to create the life I really wanted to live.

    Maybe you can gain your freedom without waiting for disaster to strike.

    Take a good look at your life. Are you really doing exactly what you want to do in your heart of hearts? If you’re not, you may get a wakeup call like I did.

    Finding Purpose

    There was a lot of time in the hospital to think about what I really wanted to do. More than anything else, I wanted to write.

    My California state rehabilitation counselor didn’t agree. He didn’t think I could make a living writing. So I agreed to a business program at state university.

    Once enrolled, I took all the business classes to keep him happily supporting me while I also took all the writing courses to keep me happy.

    Writing all those papers meant a lot of pecking away at a keyboard with a chopstick gripped firmly between my teeth, but I knew what I wanted.

    Once you know what you want, you’ll also discover the fortitude to make your dream come true.

    Money Sidetracks Me

    After university, I discovered that my counselor had been right. Nobody wanted to hire a disabled person to write or do anything else.

    With a wife and two small children, I had to find a way to get money quick.

    A radical old dude from Canada took me under his wing. We wound up in Tokyo, where he showed me how to busk. All I had to do was make a show on a busy street corner, and people passing by dropped money into my tin cup.

    A lot of money. Hundreds of dollars an hour.

    You see, in Asia, begging is a traditional occupation for the disabled. My highly visible disability gave me a license to beg in any of Asia’s newly rich mega cities.

    The money poured in.

    I soon had a house in the city, a farm in the country, and a new car for my wife to drive our kids to private schools in.

    But happiness was gone.

    My wife didn’t like being married to a crippled beggar. She welcomed the money, but she tried to hide me away from her friends and family. Divorce wasn’t long coming.

    I also suffered terribly from severe chronic pain in both arms.

    Powerful tranquilizers were the only treatment modern medicine could offer me. I could feel how slow and stupid my once brilliant mind had become under the cloud of drugs.

    I wasn’t writing, and I felt like I was losing the ability to ever write again.

    Money had sidetracked me.

    Don’t get sidetracked.

    Doors Open

    Then, fourteen years after my accident, I met Remedia.

    She saw from across a crowded room how much pain I was in. Saying nothing, she simply began massaging the pain out of my shoulders and arms.

    It felt like she had magic coming out of her fingers—magic that dissolved away all my pain.

    Remedia had been born with the ability to heal, but had never studied it formally. She just used her gift whenever she saw a person in need.

    I was fascinated.

    We started traveling all over Asia to learn more about healing energy. Soon, we knew enough to start giving healing sessions. It wasn’t long before we were teaching too.

    Joy and purpose returned to my life.

    I was writing our course materials. I was keeping a journal. Most importantly of all, I was actively helping other people.

    I wasn’t a crippled beggar anymore, able only to give people a humble “Thank you.”

    Now, I could give something back to all those who had helped me for so many years.

    Then, something even more momentous happened.

    We met Krishna Kantha, Thailand’s living Saint. He kindly invited us to stay at his retreat center for a month.

    Krishna has magic coming out of his hands too. Only Krishna’s magic opens and heals minds. Krishna opened the world of meditation for us by giving us instant access to the deepest states of meditation.

    During repeated visits, he taught us how to open minds like he does. Then he said, “Go to India. You need to be in India.”

    Years later, we’re still in India. We’re still growing spiritually, and we’re both radically joyful.

    Remedia is living her life purpose of healing and helping all whom she meets.

    I’m living my life purpose of teaching meditation and writing about it. I’ve pecked out four books published on Amazon, and I keep two websites going—all with my trusty chopstick.

    My Advice for You?

    When life slaps you upside the head, get serious about laughing, having some fun, and figuring out exactly what it is that you feel passionate about doing.

    Then start doing it.

    Your radical dude from Canada, a Remedia, or a Krishna will appear and open doors for you. But you have to be actively helping yourself first.

    When help comes, don’t miss it because what has come is different than your vision of what you want.

    I almost missed the radical dude because he was dressed in old, dirty clothes.

    I almost missed Remedia because she has no education and speaks broken English.

    And try some meditation. It really helps.

    Photo by Luz Adriana Villa

  • When You Don’t Have a Clear Purpose: 4 Helpful Mantras to Adopt

    When You Don’t Have a Clear Purpose: 4 Helpful Mantras to Adopt

    “Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    I have always defined my life by my career. I think that was my first mistake.

    For the last six years, I worked at a publicity firm in Los Angeles.

    It was a job where your email is the first thing you check in the morning before getting out of bed. A job where you are on your phone while eating your dinner. A job where your boss calls you out of a funeral in order to send out a press release. Frequent travel, evening events to attend, and not a lot of free time. Not any free time.

    The problem was that this job became my life. I went from work, to home, to bed, each day.

    Seven months ago, I quit my job. In fact, not only did I quit my job, I moved out of my Los Angeles apartment and hopped on a one-way flight to Puerto Rico all in one week.

    I had met someone who opened my eyes to thinking differently and who let me see that I should try and find a life where I was happy.

    I realized that this job was not bringing me the life that I wanted to experience. My hair was falling out due to stress; I had migraines each week. My doctor even advised for a change.

    My first weeks in Puerto Rico were paradise. I lay on the beach, learned to dive, and got on a surfboard. I went to waterfalls, drank pina coladas, and I was in love. Soon, however, I started to come down off my high. I started to get anxiety.

    I realized what happened. When I took away my job, I took away 90% of the only thing I knew to be my life. I had a big hole inside of me now. I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, what my hobbies were, or who I was as a person.

    Keeping busy through work never allowed me time to think about things like that. Now that I had no job filling my time, I was overwhelmed with thinking. The thinking soon led to over-analyzing, which then led to anxiety.

    I woke up each day with a knot in my stomach. What was I doing? Am I going to be happy today? What am I going to do for a career? What is my life going to be like in Puerto Rico?

    Often I would worry that my new relationship would fail. My boyfriend fell in love with me because of my independence, my drive, and my passion—all of which he observed through my former job. Now that the job was gone, I felt I had lost all of those traits as well and that he soon would fall out of love with me.

    What I came to realize was that “I” was not my career. That wasn’t what defined me. I still had all of those traits and more. I was putting these thoughts and worries into my head that didn’t need to be there.

    People fantasize about living on a tropical island. Seeing the ocean each morning when you wake up. Walking beaches with not a single other person on the sand. So why, in the land of paradise, was I causing myself so much worry and stress?

    If I couldn’t cease my worries here, I certainly had no hope anywhere else.

    So I made it my mission to not take life so seriously and to learn to be present each day in order to find happiness within myself and for my new life. These were my daily mantras:

    1. Give yourself some credit.

    I took a big risk when I quit my job. I took an even bigger risk moving to an island. Rather than being down on myself for not having a career at the moment or not feeling like my life has a purpose, I give myself credit for the little things: learning Spanish a bit more, attempting to surf, taking pilates each week at a local studio, meeting new people.

    When you are focusing on what you see as bad things, you are preventing the good from shining through.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take ten minutes of meditation time each day and thank yourself for it afterward. Get up early and make a healthy breakfast. Talk to someone new in line at the coffee shop. Notice the little things you are already doing each day for yourself.

    2. Stop thinking so much.

    Think of nothing for two whole minutes. Clear your mind. Don’t put effort into thinking about things that haven’t happened yet. It will just cause you worry. It’s too much for one little mind and it’s a waste of your time and energy.

    I still catch myself in a whirlwind of thoughts each day and every time this happens, I stop, I take three deep breaths, I think about something positive, and I smile. There is always a reason to smile and less of a reason to worry.

    3. It’s okay to take a break.

    My family asked me why I was wasting a college degree and why I spent my 401k to move to an island. I didn’t have a straight answer for them, but I did know that I worked harder than I ever had for six years of my life, for almost twelve hours each day and put up with a lack of appreciation for what I did.

    So it was okay if I took some time to do nothing. You don’t have to be achieving scientific discovery every day. It’s okay to take time to simply be and to experience life.

    4. You don’t have to find your life purpose tomorrow.

    I used to hate the saying “find what you love and go do it.” As if it’s so easy. But each day, don’t be afraid to attempt something new. In Puerto Rico, I have learned that I actually like oysters. I love being in the water. I am more creative than I thought I could be.

    I still haven’t found what I love in life or what my “purpose” is, but trying is the only way to find it.

  • Why Being Scared Means You’re Fully Alive

    Why Being Scared Means You’re Fully Alive

    I Can Fly

    “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

    Last year I decided to do something I’d always longed to do but had never been brave enough to take the plunge: I started my own business. Not only was it a new venture, my business would be based around myself—my skills, knowledge, and experiences.

    Holy crap.

    My emotions swung from terrified to awkward and uncomfortable. Seriously, that’s how good it got, at least initially! It’s been exciting and exhilarating, but not in the least bit comfortable.

    Here I was, standing for the entire world to see as a self-proclaimed “person who knows quite a lot about some stuff.” I may as well of had my subconscious make me a T-shirt that read “Who the hell do you think you are?”

    Revealing things about myself was not comfortable at all. Opening up about my years living with depression—an illness whose superpower is convincing its host that they are worthless and weak—left me feeling vulnerable and exposed.

    To acknowledge my depression, and put myself out there as someone who knew quite a lot about a certain subject, was nothing short of excruciating at times.

    But I had my secret weapon. Over the years I’ve gathered a group of people who “get” me. People who love and approve of me and what I do. I’ve always felt like this tribe insulated me from the feelings of exposure and judgment I might get from other people.

    One person in particular, who’s been my teacher on one of my courses, is someone I particularly admire. I basked in the warm glow of his encouragement and positive feedback; I felt approved of, nurtured, and safe around him.

    Because learning is something I hold dear (and I was utterly clueless about it) when I started my business, I decided to take some courses in marketing and business building. This seemed a better strategy than stumbling my way through blindly, so I hovered up new information like I was starved of it.

    I started implementing. I made gazillion mistakes but I kept going. I kept remembering the phrase “There’s no failure, only feedback”—and I was getting a hell of a lot of feedback!

    But I learned that I was much more tenacious than I’d first thought. There were lots of challenges, but I overcame or circumnavigated them. I kept moving forward. I felt a teeny bit proud of myself.

    I gradually became more courageous and shared more of the real me with readers and workshop participants. I became less of the safe, corporate “me” and more of the real, flawed, goofy, “me”—complete with opinions, imperfections, and history.

    I told my story of experiencing depression for years and rather than being lambasted for it, the connections I made with my students and readers were profound and rewarding. No one told me they thought less of me for it; if anything, they thought I was brave.

    Work started to come in—a trickle, but definitely a move in the right direction. As I took my wobbly steps one after the other, I started to feel stronger and more confident. My tribe was great—super supportive and really encouraging. It felt good.

    Apart from one thing.

    The teacher I admired so much didn’t seem approving. In fact, he seemed critical and dismissive of what I was doing.

    And I felt crushed.

    When we’re trying something new we can feel fragile, and any little thing can dent our confidence and break our resolve. It’s even more acute when we’re putting ourselves out there, whether that is through our creative work or our personal stories.

    When someone doesn’t approve of our work, it’s like they don’t approve of us. And this is painful—especially when the person in question is someone we admire and crave approval from.

    I so wanted him to get it—to support and champion what I was doing. But he didn’t. He wasn’t nasty or cruel; he’s a kind and warm person and that would be totally out of character for him.

    But his response was somehow harder to deal with. He was dismissive and uninterested.

    I bundled up my courage and asked him if something was wrong.

    “No,” came the reply, complete with furrowed brow and an edge of confusion in his voice. “I don’t really get what you’re doing. For me, it doesn’t work.”

    Because all of this self-growth stuff is a journey without a destination (the journey is the destination) I know that I would have responded in different ways at different times in this journey. Here are some past options:

    1. Stop completely. This feels too hard/scary and unsafe. I am obviously not good enough and certainly not strong enough to carry on.

    2. Stop, retreat, and go back to my original, “safe” world. Try and replicate whatever advice my teacher gives me, encompassing his philosophy, beliefs, and experience. I disappear but at least I don’t risk feeling unlovable.

    3. Rationalize his behavior; put it down to envy at my emerging success, or insecurity on his part for moving on from his teachings. I mean what’s his problem?

    4. Carry on, feeling the pain but moving through it anyway.

    To be honest, all of these were tempting. Having an excuse not to be “out there” feeling exposed and vulnerable was very enticing. I could go back to being safe, anonymous, and totally invisible.

    Even though it would be like silently dying inside everyday.

    So that wouldn’t really be a viable option then! I needed to do something different. I needed a shift of perspective. My teacher isn’t a cruel or vicious man, and his comments weren’t meant to wound me. So why was I hurt that what I was doing didn’t work for him?

    That was it; that was the shift I needed. What I was doing didn’t work for him. Instead of beating myself up and falling into a pit of “what’s wrong with me?” I realized it wasn’t about me at all.

    I’m a keen cake baker, and if I make a carrot cake (one of my favorites) I don’t get offended if someone says “Oh, thanks but I don’t really like carrot cake.”

    I know that this situation is different from a cake, but the analogy still holds. My teacher wasn’t saying, “I don’t like you.” He was saying that what I was writing about and publishing as part of my business didn’t work for him.

    So this was the response I chose instead:

    Realize that we’re on different paths. I don’t need him to approve of and like 100% of what I do. I know he respects me; it’s just not his thing. It’s my thing.

    It’s carrot cake. And there are plenty of other people out there who really like carrot cake.

    I don’t need everyone to appreciate the same things as me. My sense of self isn’t entirely dependent on what other people think. Hell, I’m still human; of course it still feels great when other people affirm me, but I don’t need it to still be okay with myself.

    Inside the nest feels safe and warm.

    But outside of the nest is where we learn to fly—feeling scared, but awake, alive, and fully human.

    Photo by Anurag

  • 5 Lessons from Death to Help You Create Joy, Passion, and Meaning

    5 Lessons from Death to Help You Create Joy, Passion, and Meaning

    Joyful

    “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown.

    Death is something many of us fear. Perhaps not so much our own death, but the mere thought of losing a loved one can be heartbreaking.

    On Sunday May 5th, my grandma had a large stroke. She’d baked her last cake, shared her final story, and within the blink of an eye, she was gone. Six days later her life ended, in a hospital bed, surrounded by her loved ones.

    She was not only my grandmother, but also the grandmother to five others, a great-grandmother, a mother of three, and the soul mate to her life partner.

    During the final week of her life, I was abruptly reminded just how fragile life really is, and how everything can change in a second. Here is what I’ve learned:

    1. It’s not what you are; it’s who you are.

    Wealth, status, and career are irrelevant when you are on your deathbed. The only thing that truly matters at the end of your life is how many people loved you for who you were, not what you did for a living.

    My nan had a brilliant sense of humor, countless tales to make us laugh, an abundance of love, and delicious home-cooked food to share. She was always a joy to be around.

    When you look back on your life, it’s not about the amount of money you’ve made, or how many letters you have accumulated after your name; it’s the human beings whose hearts you have touched.

    2. Now is the only time that really matters.

    Don’t put off something that can be done today, as your tomorrow may never arrive.

    Thankfully, my nan had lived a very fulfilling life and had reached the great age of 88. However, death can call for any one of us, at any time.

    Whatever your age, you need to ask yourself: Are you really living your life to its full potential, or constantly waiting for a better tomorrow?

    If you are unhappy with something, change it. If you need to resolve a difference with another person, work on it. Life really is too precious and too fragile to wait for another moment that isn’t now.

    3. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

    Life does have its ups and downs, and it is impossible to be happy all of the time. But, when those joyous moments do arise, enjoy them, savor them, and find a special place for them.

    During the last years of my nan’s life, she found it a struggle to get around. But what she lacked in mobility, she made up for with great wisdom, sharing fond memories and amusing anecdotes from her past.

    As we go through life, we create our own stories and live through countless experiences. Make your today a day that will bring you joy over and over again, when you look back on your life in many years to come.

    4. Share your gifts with the world.

    Everyone knew that our grandma made delicious cakes. But it wasn’t just any old mixture of sugar, butter, flour, and eggs. It was her unique way to share a slice of happiness with her loved ones through her special gift of baking.

    Whatever your talent may be, don’t keep it just for yourself. Share it with others.

    If you’re a great cook, make a fantastic meal for family or friends. If you’re an aspiring artist, make a piece of art for that special person. If you can write, express yourself through a blog and reach out. If you can sing or play an instrument, make an effort to get yourself heard.

    Life is all about sharing. Give back more than what you take. Inspire others, and share your own individual gifts with the people in your world and beyond.

    5. Make a living bucket list.

    You enter this world with nothing, and you leave with nothing. What you accumulate in the middle, the “stuff” you own, does not even come close to defining your worth as a person.

    Material possessions come and go throughout life, but life experiences stay with you until your dying day, bringing smiles and laughter to those listening around you.

    While you are able to live your life to the fullest, do so. If you have always dreamed of visiting that amazing destination, go travel. If you wish to be more creative, find inspiration. Or if you simply want more fun in your life, get out there, connect with people, and enjoy yourself.

    Start your living bucket list today; don’t wait until your days are numbered to start living your dreams.

    Photo by geralt

  • Why It’s Okay to Live a “Boring” Life If That’s What You Want

    Why It’s Okay to Live a “Boring” Life If That’s What You Want

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    Some people know from the time they are small what they are going to be “when they grow up.”

    I, at various times, was going to be an archeologist, paleontologist, veterinarian, famous rock musician, famous film director, actor, studio guitar player, music production engineer, choir teacher, choral composer, less famous film director, film editor, screenwriter, alpaca farmer, or cattle farmer.

    As of this writing, I make wedding films and assist my wife with wedding photography. There is no fame, enough money, but no riches and no acclaim. Despite being told how special, intelligent, and talented I was as a child, and how I could do anything, my life has ended up being quite ordinary and, dare I say, a little boring. And I wouldn’t change one bit of it.

    Our culture seems intensely focused on passion and dreams. The most popular shows are all about people competing for the chance to live their dreams. The thing that stands out to me so starkly is the reactions of the people that don’t win.

    So often they will say something along the lines of “I just don’t understand how I didn’t win. I wanted it so badly. I wanted it so much more than all the other contestants.” As if wanting and desire is all that’s necessary to achieve a goal!

    I spent most of my life floating at a level of desire. Wanting things, relationships, experiences, sometimes having the desires fulfilled, most times not.

    Even when I got what I wanted, it only would make me happy for a brief time, always looking for something outside myself to satisfy me.

    Amid that was also the ego’s constant desire for specialness. I was smart and talented, so I deserve to be noticed and have an interesting job and a wonderful, amazing life. But life had different ideas for me.

    After high school I was planning to attend a music school in California to study guitar performance. However, when I was nineteen, I left home for two years to volunteer for my church at the time. During those years, my priorities shifted, and I was no longer sure if living as a touring musician lined up with more important spiritual goals, as well as goals of wanting a family.

    I shifted my thinking to music production, and then choral education after a girlfriend mentioned it as a possibility. I was going to teach choir. I had great times performing, composing, and learning.

    Two years into my degree, my wife and I started dating and got married. Around the same time I transferred to a different college, in a different city nearby. I was not taking very many classes, but one by one, they all fell by the wayside.

    One class I needed another prerequisite, another I had missed too much to catch up because of my wedding and honeymoon, and then I was left with a choir class that I soon realized I hated. Did I really want to do this for the rest of my life?

    I withdrew from college and just worked. From the natural foods store, to the steak and buffet restaurant, to the parking garage, to the telemarketing center, to the law firm copy center. We talked about going back to college at some point, but could not afford to pay outright and did not want student loans.

    When I looked at going back to college, I ran into a lesson I’ve tried hard to remember since. Too many careers that popped up would require me to have made different choices for the past twenty years to make them work.

    I thought about going back to school to become a veterinarian, but it would take me a decade, and I would not have the advantage of having volunteered at a vet’s office when I was twelve to put on my resume!

    During that time my wife started her wedding photography business. It took a few years, but eventually we had enough work that I could quit my other job and help her full time. At the same time I renewed my interest in spiritual development and discovered Dr. David Hawkins’ writings, which led to my present commitment to enlightenment as my primary goal in life.

    If I had gotten everything I desired, I doubt I would have made those discoveries and learned that acceptance and surrender are a surer path to joy than following desire. Now I have nothing of what people would consider ambition. I have very few goals, and no five or ten-year plan.

    It might seem that I have become some kind of shiftless drifter, accomplishing nothing. Overall in my life, I have tried to replace desire with intention, which is like the rudder on a ship. I have devoted myself to love, kindness, peace, and joy, and lots of waves crash against the bow of the ship, but it does not affect my heading.

    With that, many things just fall into place, (or out of my life,) just without the seeking and grasping of passionate desire. I will automatically do or not do certain things because of that intention, because it is what I am.

    I want to have enough for my needs, and to accept whatever comes in every moment. I trust that what comes is the perfect expression of potential in that moment. Now I know that the source of my happiness is inside me, and the circumstances of life cannot take that away from me.

    That is what I mean when I say surrender and accept: accept the fact that whatever it is we want in life, we cannot control the outcome, and if we could, sometimes we do not know what is best for us anyway. Instead of a passionate striving to “accomplish” something, we set the compass, and start down the path.

    We can only control our walking, not what the end of the path looks like or whether there will be anything at the end.

    The more we find our happiness from within, the safer we are. We can pursue anything we want, finding joy in the process. Whether it turns out the way we envisioned or not becomes irrelevant, because we didn’t bet all our joy on that outcome.

    I thought I wanted to be special and important, but life led me to something very normal and a little boring. I could try to change it, but it is the perfect life for me.

    So if we haven’t made it to some dream life that is fueled by passion, there can be great peace in learning to find the joy in being ordinary. To those of us that are led to follow our dreams, just love the dream, and surrender the result. Maybe your dream will come true, but if not, being boring is pretty great too.

  • 8 Ways to Discover Your Passion and Live a Life You Love

    8 Ways to Discover Your Passion and Live a Life You Love

    “Don’t worry about what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

    I didn’t spend two years and $100,000 for a master’s degree in counseling from an Ivy League university so that I could be miserable and hate my life fifty hours a week, but that’s what happened.

    After a few years in the trenches of the non-profit world, my job had become so emotionally draining that it was taking a vicious toll on my health and causing gripping anxiety attacks. I felt exhausted more often than not, and I was scrambling to find scraps of happiness in my previously joy-filled life.

    When I took the time to listen, my inner monologue sounded something like this:

    “You know you’re not doing what you love. Your life lacks a deeper meaning, and you have no idea what you’re really passionate about. What in the world are you doing with your life?”

    I wanted to do more, but I had no idea which path I wanted to take. I felt confused, stuck, and worst of all, embarrassed by my lack of direction. I was treading water as I waited for a sign as to what my next step should be.

    As the months continued to pass, I became more aware of how I was wasting time. I saw my life passing me by, leaving me only with regrets and “what ifs.”

    Finally, I was brutally honest with myself about my unhappiness and I embarked on some serious soul-searching. I asked myself tough questions and learned what it felt like to be authentically me. I discovered that my unhappiness was rooted in my lack of passion and I slowly began taking control.

    Six months later, I launched my own coaching business. A year later, I quit my job, reclaimed my life, and I have never been happier.

    But that doesn’t mean everything fell into place perfectly.

    Even though I had been building my own business for several months before I left my job, I was still scared. I didn’t know if I would be able to support myself financially or if my business would be sustainable.

    In order to build up my savings, there were months of saying no to happy hours and weekend brunch dates, moving in with a friend to decrease my rent, and cutting corners to save every dollar possible.

    Following my passion was emotionally challenging and a leap of faith, but I never worried about making the “wrong” choice because I knew I didn’t want to be unhappy any longer, and that was more important to me than any paycheck.

    It is terrifying when you feel like your life has no purpose or direction, but finding your passion can change all that. Finding your passion is like finding your personal road map. When you know what your passion is, you feel motivated, inspired, and so much clearer about what your next step should be.

    8 Ways to Discover Your Passion and Live a Life You Love

    1. Slow down.

    When we slow down, we are able to tap into the best version of ourselves, which is most often when we find the answers we’ve been searching for. This might mean practicing yoga, going for daily walks, or setting aside time each day to meditate. Slowing down allows you to quiet the outside voices and listen to yourself.

    2. Change your story.

    We all tell ourselves stories about who we are, what we’re capable of, and what we deserve. If we can identify our self-limiting stories (I’m not good enough; I don’t deserve to be happy, etc.), then we can begin writing new stories that are grounded in confidence and courage, and map out actions that move us from one to the other.

    3. Own your uniqueness.

    We are here for a reason. No one else has your unique blend of talents, wisdom, strengths, skills, and creativity. We all have something great to offer, and learning to accept and own what makes you unique is crucial to sharing your gifts with the world.

    4. Cultivate confidence.

    If we are continually telling ourselves we can’t, then we will never believe we can. There is a chance you may fail, but it will be impossible to succeed if you don’t believe in yourself. You can create affirmations, focus on the things you want, or make a vision board that shows your future success.

    5. Find the themes.

    Recognizing the recurring themes in our lives creates a pattern for us to either follow or change. What themes or lessons seem to constantly surface in your life? What are you drawn to again and again? What areas of life seem to be full of discomfort and pain? What areas are full of joy and light?

    6. Write.

    Ideas flow more freely when we write without an agenda. New inspiration may appear unexpectedly and it becomes easier to connect the dots. Spend a few minutes of quality time each day with a pen and paper allowing yourself to process your thoughts without influence from the outside world.

    7. Focus on the fun.

    Too often we get wrapped up in the expectations we set for ourselves. We focus on the details and the to-do lists instead of what is most important. What do you love to do? What makes you smile? If money were limitless, what would you be doing today?

    8. Push past fear.

    It’s so seductive to tell ourselves that we’ll go after what we want when we have more experience, more money, or more time, but the truth is, that will never happen. We must identify these excuses as masks for our fear. It’s only when we get clear on our fears and recognize how they are holding us back that we can begin moving forward.

  • Finding What You Want Means Realizing What You Don’t

    Finding What You Want Means Realizing What You Don’t

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places” ~ Unknown

    I’ve never dreamed of owning a mansion or acres of land. I’ve never dreamed of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right. I’ve never dreamed of glory on a sports field or stage, and I’ve never dreamed of being a billionaire or “Chief” of a company.

    But I have dreamed of one thing—finding and living out my “calling.”

    I’ve dreamed of coming across a cause, art, subject, or professional field that stuns me in my tracks and induces an epiphany: this is the work I want to live and breathe, the destined object of my monomania.

    Upon graduating from college, I landed a job in human capital (HC) consulting, a field that piqued my interest more than others. There wasn’t an unbridled passion, but I figured myself as one of those who had to make an effort to be passionate.

    And so I put in my best: I always said yes to projects and took on more work even when night after night, I was the lone keyboard typing in the office.

    Though I liked my commitment in the office, I rarely thought of my field in my personal time; this bothered me, because it meant my work hadn’t become my passion.

    If it were true passion, my thoughts at work and away would be intertwined, and my thirst for the field would span office hours.

    I reasoned this was because the field was different than I’d expected it to be, based on what I’d read.

    However, when an email sent to our national pool of associates and analysts requested staffing on a large-scale strategy initiative, my heart skipped a beat. When I was selected as one of two analysts, I was ecstatic.

    Here was finally a chance for me to live and breathe my work, to be in constant productive movement. This project had a steeper learning curve than any, and being on client site removed non-work distractions.

    I was excited that this would show me my passion. And it did. But not in the way I expected.

    For the next six months, I flew out every Sunday cross country to the client site and returned Friday. The scale of the project, aggressive deadlines, and the project manager’s haphazard work style compounded the intensity and stress. Sleep became a luxury, and all-nighters were at least weekly occurrences.

    As months passed, I was living out my ideal of “career monomania,” but the anticipated fulfillment never materialized. While I was stimulated by the novelty and high learning curve, I found it hard to believe in the “why” of the work we were doing.

    Just as on other projects I’d seen, we focused on published report numbers but I didn’t get to work on what I really wanted to know—how to identify what different people valued and how to change behavior.

    When I admitted I didn’t believe in the “why,” the “what” became harder to endure.

    Last minute overnight assignments made me feel resentful; insistence that I work on the car ride to the airport despite my motion sickness made me feel disregarded. I became physically exhausted and mentally de-motivated.

    When I returned to my home office in the Bay, I worked to re-establish “life” in work-life balance. I reconnected with friends, finally joined a self-defense training center (Krav Maga), and set aside time often to read/write.

    However, the project experience left a residual heaviness. Initially, I paid little attention to it until I broke down in my supervisor’s office one afternoon when talking about it. Truth was, I felt resentful and lost because I sacrificed my time, health, and personal life for a “fulfilling” lifestyle that proved otherwise.

    I had to admit my mistake—that I mistook a job for a purpose.

    You see, during college, when searching for my “calling” proved too ambiguous and elusive, I substituted it with something more mentally digestible: search for a job. Over time, I forgot that a “career should be but one tool for achieving your life’s purpose” (Clayton Christensen).

    This project was a slap in the face that my quest to find my calling wasn’t finished. This scared me but also freed me.

    In the next months, I delved into deep introspection. I read, quested, admitted, wrote, shared, debated, and repeated the cycle.

    Slowly, it dawned on me: the topics that I could never stop thinking about, the methods I use to become my own therapist, the readings I’m most drawn to, the topics I want to write about, the conversations I most enjoy, the principles I most believe in, all could be encapsulated within one umbrella field—what I now know as positive psychology.

    My attraction to positive psychology felt unforced and insuppressible. I connected to this field long before I knew how to label it, but I never gave myself permission to take it seriously.

    When I read about these topics, I always felt guilt over not reading about work-related “productive” topics.

    But if positive psychology was already a large part of my life, why shouldn’t I accept this and make it an even larger part?

    Thus, for once, I gave myself permission to be passionate. I read the spiritual/psychological books and articles I wanted. I started my own blog about conscious living. I talked with my supervisor about my interest in projects that dealt with engagement and motivation.

    Something strange began to happen: the more I accepted myself, the more authentic I became to others, and the more the world worked with me.

    My relationships became deeper and more constructive; incidental conversations and incidents motivated me to pursue things I was once afraid of (e.g., publicizing my writing). The more I talked about these topics, the more I met people like me, and the more they introduced me to new contacts and resources.

    Part of me wishes I were writing this post years from now. Perhaps if/when I’ve earned my graduate degree in positive psychology or conducted bold research experiments or have become a holistic HC consultant. I wish I could guide you from first-hand experience how to live your calling once you find it.

    But all of this happened recently, and I can’t promise how this will culminate; but I know that I don’t want to wait for the journey’s “end” to share.

    Like many others, I often restrict myself on condition—”I will be X when I reach Y.” But how many times have we reached our goals, only to realize there are infinite more beyond the horizon?

    “There” is just a state of mind; there is nothing that we want to obtain that could forever satiate our wanting once we obtain it.

    I don’t want to hold off daring or sharing until I reach “there.” I want to treasure and navigate “here”—this space where belief copulates with action, where fears dance with courage, where insecurities bow to passion.

    I believe we each have a calling—something that deeply resonates with, motivates, and fulfills us. For a few, it is evident early on; for others, like me, it requires patience and continual searching.

    But if we are honest with ourselves, if we consciously introspect, and if we dare to never stop questing, we realize that our experiences are orchestrated in perfect concert to guide us to our “Personal Legend,” as Paulo Coelho calls it, as long as we are willing to listen for the soft entrance of music.

    Photo by Jozoana

  • 4 Crucial Steps to Make Your Dream Come True

    4 Crucial Steps to Make Your Dream Come True

    Lori Deschene at the Colosseum

    “Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” ~Unknown

    A little over forty-eight hours from now, I’ll be on a plane to Europe where I plan to spend three months traveling (and working) with my boyfriend.

    Saturday is the first day of a dream I’ve held for well over a decade.

    It was my second year in college when I did my semester abroad, staying in a castle my school owns in The Netherlands.

    I was one of less than seventy students there, part of an intimate group that traveled together on three weekend trips to Paris, Amsterdam, and Koln.

    Aside from those group excursions, we all had three-day weekends and two full weeks off to travel.

    I visited Italy and Spain during my weeks off, but spent most weekends on site, largely due to financial constraints. Still, a weekend doing nothing at a castle in Europe is, in itself, an adventure.

    After returning home, I spent the next year working 40+ hour weeks as a hostess at an upscale Boston restaurant (while also studying full-time) to pay off my charged travel expenses.

    My schedule was tight and my job, not all that exciting, but the experience felt worth every uncomfortable moment in that itchy polyester blazer.

    I had started seeing the world. I had gotten a chance to experience dorm life—something I didn’t know much about, being a commuter—and I did it in a castle with a moat, a tower, and historical significance.

    It wasn’t the most emotionally stable time in my life, so I brought a healthy dose of drama overseas, but now, fourteen years later, what I remember most are the excitement of possibility and the pride I felt in working to provide that for myself.

    And it’s those same two things that most energize me now. I’ve dreamed of this. I’ve planned for it. I’ve worked for it. And now it’s happening.

    If you have a dream, something that excites you, inspires you, and maybe even keeps you up at night, I have some advice for you:

    1. Believe that it’s possible.

    So often we think of dreams as things most people don’t get to do—luxuries reserved for people who are privileged, wealthy, or well connected.

    It’s true that some people have more advantages than others. What takes one person five years of planning and saving may require another to do little more than sell a stock and make a call.

    It’s also true that the second person may have worked incredibly hard for said stock. The point is: We’re all starting from different places, for different reasons, with different levels of work required to get from A to B.

    If your dream is something you’re physically incapable of doing, it may be improbable (but not impossible—we’ve come a long way with technology!) And there’s no denying that certain dreams are more difficult to achieve than others.

    But most of the things we dream about are things we could do if we were willing to work toward it, align our choices to support it, and stay flexible in terms of fulfilling it.

    You don’t need to believe it will be easy, or it will happen quickly, or it will look exactly like you visualized it. You just need to believe in the possibility, which really means you need to believe in yourself.

    2. Take tiny steps to work toward it.

    Working toward it entails aligning with the right people, disregarding discouragement from people who don’t support your growth, and taking tiny steps each day to move toward your vision.

    “The right people” are those who help you, support you, encourage you, believe in you, and guide you on your way to this dream. It may include people who’ve done what you want to do, people who also want to do it, and even people who just plain find it cool.

    Share your enthusiasm and progress with them. They’ll keep you excited and help you stick to your plan.

    As for those people who don’t support your growth, there will be many of them, and they most likely won’t be malicious. They’ll be well-meaning people who aren’t able to do step one for themselves, and, therefore, think they’re doing you a favor by discouraging you. Politely decline that favor.

    Their words may seem to keep you down, but it’s how you internalize them that holds you back.

    And as for taking consistent steps, they really can be tiny. It may not seem like much to make a call, bookmark a site, or send an email, but the little things add up over time—and because they’re easily doable, each one may inspire you to do more.

    3. Make choices that support it.

    Much of our experience stems from our choices. Not all of it; there are some things that we can’t control.

    This isn’t a suggestion that if we make all the “right” choices, everything will line up and magically work out. It’s just that we have more power than we often realize—and our power lies in our choices.

    Whatever your dream, the first choice is to prioritize it. As you’re able, dedicate time to it, money to it, attention to it, love to it. Give what you can, as you can, and back that giving with belief, passion, and enthusiasm.

    The other side of this coin is realizing which choices don’t support your dream—when you’re doing too much or pursuing other dreams that conflict, for example.

    For me, that’s meant pushing off some other equally exciting milestones with my boyfriend, like buying a house.

    4. Stay flexible about how you’ll fulfill it.

    It’s tempting to be rigid about a dream—when it needs to happen, how it needs to happen, and who it needs to include. But sometimes when we’re too busy clinging to a specific vision, we miss an opportunity to experience it in different shades.

    This isn’t meant to discourage you from reaching for the stars. It’s just a reminder that there are a lot more of them than you may realize, some far closer than others.

    Being a singer may include a jazz club, not a fan-packed stadium. Writing a book may entail self-publishing, not a six-figure advance. And traveling may include teaching abroad or a string of budget bed-and-breakfasts—I know because this time around, I’ve booked several!

    They may not be the ultimate dream, but they are, in fact, reflections of it.

    And in that moment when you’re doing something inspired, passionate, and in line with your deepest intentions, you’ll feel two things that you may not have realized weren’t exclusive to one specific vision:

    You’ll feel alive. And proud.

    And now, two final thoughts on making dreams come true: know that no dream is better than any other, and stay open to the possibility that your dream may change.

    Regarding the first part, your dream may not seem big or romantic. It doesn’t need to be. It’s an extension of your unique values and priorities, and all that matters is that it matters to you.

    As for the second part, sometimes we attach to dreams simply because we’ve held them for so long. It’s the sunk-cost principle: After you’ve invested a lot of time, energy, or money, it’s hard to consider walking away.

    But if your priorities have changed, you may no longer want it. Accepting this isn’t a sign of weakness or defeat. It’s growth, and the wisdom to enable it.

    Of course, there’s also the possibility that your dream may have changed in a smaller way.

    This weekend when I leave for Rome, my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend’s parents will also be en route for a short family trip.

    My dream wasn’t just to go back. It was to go with the people I love. And after much conceptualizing, convincing, and coordinating, it’s now coming true.

    What’s your dream, do you believe you can fulfill it, and what tiny step can you take today to start (or continue) working toward it?

    *Update: That’s a picture of me at the Colosseum. I would have shared a picture of me with my family, but they’re all very private people!

  • Taking Back Our Dreams: Releasing the Drive for Wealth and Status

    Taking Back Our Dreams: Releasing the Drive for Wealth and Status

    Jumping

    “The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream.” ~Harry Kemp

    We’ve all been there. You’re having a great time playing a game with your friends, and then all of a sudden, things start to get tense.

    What started out as fun turns into a fierce competition, as everyone is desperately trying to collect gold coins, red flags, or whatever happens to be the game’s currency.

    To an outsider, it would be clear that we are all playing a game. Just like the kid with the tallest stack of red coins, the adult with the largest home and fanciest car receives the admiration of his or her peers.

    Originally invented to simplify the trading process, money has long surpassed its intended purpose. Of course, we all need money to survive, but it doesn’t end there.

    Money has long been a status symbol. It is precisely for this reason its appeal is so difficult to resist.

    Our social status and income level are closely intertwined. We’ve even coined the term “socio-economic status.” In this society, you simply cannot have high status without the money to back it up.

    Okay, so what’s the problem? Why do I say all this as if it’s a bad thing?

    Because it comes at a price. A very high price.

    As we strive to win this game that society wants us to play, we give up on something that matters a lot more than money and prestige. We give up on our dreams.

    MISSING THE MIDDLE GROUND

    The chain that locks us down to jobs we hate has two ends. On one end stands wealth and status. At the other end is fear of poverty.

    Of course, we all need food to eat and a roof over our heads. Now here’s the catch: If you dare to dream even an inch outside the status quo, society is quick to assume that you will be an utter failure, left with nothing to pay the bills.

    For example, say you always dreamed of being an actor. When people think of actors, they think of Angelina Jolie, Nicolas Cage, or other stars. “Actors make a killing, but hardly anyone makes it!” they may tell you. Indeed, hardly anyone becomes a star.

    You see, without even realizing it, they are back to wealth and prestige. But what they forget are the many working actors who are not world famous, who nevertheless make enough to support themselves while doing what they love.

    Another common misconception is that in order to pursue your passion, you must quit your job immediately. Doing so could indeed be a recipe for disaster. You see, pursuing your passion is a process. Many quit their jobs only after their passion can support them.

    Society tells us that wealth and status will make us happy, while simultaneously scaring us that pursuing our dreams will leave us penny-less. Both of these are fallacies. There is a middle ground: Your passion can support you, if you’re willing to give it a chance.

    MY STORY

    I was born with the heart of an artist. I dreamed of being on stage as a singer or an actress. I wanted to express myself through music, dance, and writing.

    Despite these dreams, at the age of 18 I had an entirely different plan. I was set on becoming a manager at a software company.

    I worked hard to get into a prestigious computer science program, and for my first internship, I landed a position at well-known firm. I was overjoyed. It looked as if my plan was working out.

    But a couple of months into the internship, something completely unexpected happened: I found myself hating my life. I don’t mean just my job. My entire life felt empty, meaningless, and downright painful.

    I would wake up early to go to a job that bored me. Then, I had to spend most of my waking hours effectively tied down to a chair, staring at a computer screen. I was a slave in the free world.

    By the time that this dreadful internship was finally over, I was so broken down that I swore never to do this to myself again.

    It wasn’t easy to figure out what to do next. It took the next ten years to go through layer upon layer of fears and insecurities. I started out with such a rigid perception of what is “normal” and “acceptable” that I had a very long road to travel.

    Three years ago, I finally took my first singing class and started to write. I couldn’t begin to tell you what a difference this has made in my life. Every morning I jump out of bed, eager to start the day. My work excites me, energizes me, and brings me a deep sense of personal fulfillment.

    For the first time in my life, I no longer feel a divide between myself and my job. All that I do is an extension of who I am.

    But then, I go out into the world and interact with other people. People who wish that they didn’t have to work. People who sacrifice their lives for a handsome paycheck. People who have forgotten their dreams.

    WHY WE LOSE TRACK OF OUR DREAMS

    How did this happen? When and where did we lose track of our dreams?

    If I were to come up to a person with a passion for pursuing their dream, and ask them, “How much money would it take to get you to forget about pursuing your dreams?” they would surely send me away. Nobody would knowingly sell their dreams.

    But there is something else, something more powerful than money that can make us give up on our dreams—that is, our sense of self-worth. Without realizing it, we end up giving up our dreams in an effort to feel good about ourselves.

    Society teaches us that you are what you do. We are bombarded with this message from childhood. We are constantly asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

    Combine this with the clear connection between status and money, and the formula is complete. We work at jobs we hate in order to attain high social standing, so that we can feel good about who we are.  

    The trouble is that our dreams rarely line up with what society happens to consider prestigious. And so, in an effort to reconcile our ambitions with our need for approval, we replace our dreams with what society wants us to do.

    And if, during a moment of clarity, we decide we no longer care about wealth and prestige, then they get us with the fear of poverty. “Do what we tell you, and you will be rich. Disobey, and you will have nothing.”

    That’s when most of us give up and forget about our dreams altogether.

    But I don’t believe that it is possible to completely lose our dreams. Like a precious jewel that accumulated years of dust, our dreams are waiting to be uncovered from beneath layers of fears and insecurities.

    Taking back our dreams is the first step to building the life that we want—a life that is true to who we really are. It may seem intimidating at first, but if you find the courage to reclaim your dreams, they will light the way to a meaningful, fulfilling life.

    Photo by sidonath

  • 7 Powerful Spiritual Truths: Turn Challenges into a Reawakening

    7 Powerful Spiritual Truths: Turn Challenges into a Reawakening

    Awakening

    “Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” ~Iyanla Vanzant 

    Have you ever had an experience that took you to emotional rock bottom? One that left you drained, broken, and totally numb? Your life shattered, and you scrambling to pick up the pieces and put them back together?

    It might sound like a cliché, but sometimes it really is darkest just before dawn. Rock bottom can be a great place to start to rebuild yourself. Sometimes, it is the only place, as I once experienced.

    My Spiritual Re-awakening

    He had just broken up with me. We weren’t together for long—a few months at most—but it was still one of the most painful things I ever experienced.

    I knew that my pain wasn’t because the relationship was over; it stemmed from a lack of self-worth.

    I didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship with myself, let alone another person. The pain of trying to have close relationships without having the skills to successfully navigate them had caught up to me with a vengeance—vengeance that had brought me to my knees.

    And so began my spiritual re-awakening and the re-emergence of these hidden truths: (more…)

  • Why Enthusiasm Trumps Worrying When It Comes to Reaching Goals

    Why Enthusiasm Trumps Worrying When It Comes to Reaching Goals

    Sunrise Jump

    “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” ~Leo Buscaglia

    They say the greatest joy in life is to be able to live your passion every day, and I only had to look to my teens to remember that what I had always enjoyed doing most—working out. That’s where I wanted to go in life.

    Held hostage by worries about the future, status, and money, I decided to head on a different path. I did well in college, graduating with a business degree and a double major in finance and accounting.

    A few years later, it was clear that something was off. So last year, I made the big decision to pursue my passion in fitness by becoming a certified personal trainer. The start of the year was full of energy and joy. I was glad that I had finally found my direction, something that I wholeheartedly wanted to do.

    I was a man on a mission. By the end of August, I had accomplished my task by taking all the exams and passing the instructor competency evaluation.

    Whew, I thought.

    All I had to do now was wait for a letter of approval and a wallet card to make it official.

    But, what was supposed to take a few weeks ended up taking more than two months. This was the kink in my momentum.

    Before I ran into this speed bump, I had everything all carefully and strategically planned out. After I became an accredited personal trainer, it would be “go” time.

    Then, while waiting for my accreditation to come through, I felt stuck. I couldn’t start taking clients. I just waited. And with extra time on my hands, I started to think.

    This thinking was good at first; I laid out my plans and business strategically. But the more I thought about my personal training business, the more I started to worry.

    My worries soon manifested into fear and doubt. I started to feel sick, both inside and out. It wasn’t long before the slow days gave way to questions. Did I give up pursuing a career in the finance industry for this? Was this all a mistake? (more…)