Tiny Buddha

Tag: Mindfulness

  • How to Stop Obsessing Over What Other People Think of You

    How to Stop Obsessing Over What Other People Think of You

    “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    I spent way too much of my life worrying about what other people were thinking of me.

    I couldn’t walk down the street without sucking in my gut for fear a stranger might have thought I looked fat (mind you, I did this even when I weighed 120 pounds!!)

    Going to any social gathering—a Halloween party, networking event, craft fair, even a holiday family meal—was so stressful it felt like I had a bees’ nest in my chest.

    I had a successful thirteen-year marketing career, was one of the founding employees of a startup company turned publicly traded international corporation, but I still worried someone was going to figure out that I didn’t know what I was doing—because there was no way I was smart enough to be there, regardless of any accolades I received.

    It trickled into even the seemingly smallest tasks in my life—calling someone on the phone, going to the grocery store, going to the gym. If there were other people involved, I could find a way to believe they were going to judge me, and harshly.

    At a certain point I said, “Enough is enough. I need to stop this because I’m miserable.”

    I was sick of living in other people’s heads, imagining the horrible things they could be thinking of me, and never feeling like I could be my authentic self because I didn’t feel good enough for anyone.

    I’ve come a long way since then. I’ve done the work (and keep on doing it!) to recognize when I’m sinking into my negative thinking habit, to accept instead of resisting what I’m experiencing, challenge my inner bully, change my perspective, and best of all, let it go.

    The change in me was so drastic that I look at my life as the old me and the new me.

    The old me would never be able to strike up a conversation with a stranger, eat at a restaurant alone, never mind be on a podcast or do live videos on Facebook.

    The old me most definitely couldn’t handle making a mistake, failing at something, or putting my foot in my mouth without relentlessly beating myself up for hours, days, or months.

    So why do we worry so much about what other people think?

    For one thing, there’s a bit of a survival instinct going on. We’re a communal species and understand that there is strength in numbers and security being part of a group. And if anything (real or perceived) threatens our place in the community, it triggers our fear response—our fight-or-flight instinct.

    But remember when I wrote “perceived threats?” That’s really what we’re talking about here.

    Because what is really happening when we’re worried about what other people think, we’re taking judgments we hold against ourselves, and we’re projecting them onto others, assuming they believe the same things that we believe about ourselves.

    We hold these limiting beliefs about ourselves, so we are constantly on the lookout to “prove” them to be true.

     So let me walk you through, step by step, how to break this habit of worrying about what other people think.

    Step 1: Mindfully recognize when it happens.

    You can’t change unless you know where you are starting from and when you are there. Mindfulness is the ultimate empowerment tool and crucial first step to taking back control over your thoughts, emotions, and actions.

    Mindfulness is paying attention, on purpose, to the present moment, without judgment. It’s recognizing what is really going on right now in your mind and in your body.

    So let’s say whenever you go to the gym or yoga you spend the whole time worrying about what people think about how you look.

    You can’t break this habit until you catch yourself doing it. What usually ends up happening is we just run with these worries, get caught up in the stories, and before we know it, we’ve spent the whole hour stuck in worry. Then we carry it into the locker room and on the drive home like we’re stuck on a broken record and dancing to the beat.

    Mindfulness is noticing the feeling. Usually we feel it in our bodies first. Where does this feeling of worry show up physically? Knots in the stomach or tightness in the chest?

    It’s noticing what thoughts we’re having, without judgment. Ask yourself, what story I’m I telling myself about this?

    Mindfulness is noticing “Ohh, look, I’m doing that thing again where I’m worrying that other people think I look fat.”

    From there, label what you are feeling. “I’m feeling anxiety and self-judgment.”

    Do you see how taking a step back to be objective and curious about what is happening inside our own heads is like taking the needle off that broken record? It stops us from mindlessly running with this worry, and gives us pause to examine it, and the space to choose how we want to respond. But before that, let’s go to step 2 because it’s important not to skip.

    Step 2: Practice radical acceptance and self-compassion.

    Normally when we feel these uncomfortable feelings, we want to run from them, ignore them, numb them (with wine, pot a Netflix binge, whatever your vice is). We don’t like how it feels, so we hide from it, which means we don’t fully process it.

    Emotions are energy in motion. Ignoring them does not make them go away. Allowing them to exist, accepting that this is an emotion I’m experiencing right now, is a step toward letting it run its course.

    In step 1 we recognized and labeled this feeling. From here, you can look it square in the eye and say, “Oh, hello self-judgment. Welcome to the party.”

    I personally find it really helpful to minimize the feeling by almost belittling it. I know that sounds harsh, but bear with me.

    I’ll say, “Oh, hello self-judgment, don’t you look adorable this evening.” And I picture myself opening the door, allowing her in, and letting her find her way to the bar. And I picture myself not joining her.

    That’s how I allow her to be, to exist, to show up in my life, but I don’t need to go swap stories with her over a glass of wine.

    This is a much more self-compassionate approach than denying the real emotion that arose in that moment because I’m not judging or beating myself up for having had this thought, nor am I indulging in the negative emotion.

    Step 3: Challenge your core beliefs.

    But let’s dig into that thought with Step 3—challenging core beliefs.

    Going back to the gym example, the thought that was causing the feeling of anxiety and self-judgment was “other people are looking at me and they think I look fat, unattractive, that I don’t belong here.”

    To get to the core belief driving this thought, think, “If that were true, what would it mean about me?”

    Does it mean you think you are not likable, not worthy, not good enough?

    This is how you identify the limiting core belief that is driving you to judge yourself and imagine other people are judging you.

    When it comes to beliefs, our minds are always on the lookout for anything to prove that belief to be true, with the exclusion of all the evidence to the contrary. We have blinders on to anything that proves that belief to be false.

    So let’s stop that. Once you identify your limiting core belief, I want you to list out all of the reasons this belief is not true, or at least not completely true.

    You may be thinking, “But I am actually overweight, how do I come up with a list?”

    Don’t forget, the limiting belief is found by asking, “What do I think this means about me?” Which might be that you think you are not lovable. So list off all the evidence to the contrary.

    Use this list when you’re feeling down about yourself. Remember, when we have these limiting beliefs, we have blinders on blocking us from the truth, from the positive qualities about ourselves and our accomplishments.

    Step 4: Reframe the situation.

    Ok, now we’re really getting into the good stuff.

    Here is where we are going to reframe the situation and give ourselves a new perspective. The situation in our example is that you are at the gym or yoga, there are other people there, and they can see you and you find yourself thinking, “People think I look fat.”

    Our emotional response to that thought is anxiety, depression, sadness, etc…

    Those emotions then influence our behavior: We ruminate, obsess over this thought, maybe we leave the gym early, maybe we don’t go use the machines on the other side of the room because there are more people there.

    Without changing the situation, what is another way we can think about what is going on?

    Here some ways to reframe this:

    People are not thinking about me, they are thinking about themselves.

    This one is really quite true. People are not thinking about you as much as you think they are. They are thinking about themselves. See, you aren’t thinking about them really—you are thinking about yourself and how you look in their eyes and worrying about what they think of you.

    If they are thinking about you, maybe they think they are proud of you.

    They may have been just as out of shape as you just a few months ago and are rooting you on in their heads. I do this all the time! I’ve gone through some great physical journeys myself, and I love feeling proud watching others on theirs.

    Maybe the guy across the room actually thinks you are cute.

    Maybe the lady in downward dog thinks you kind of look like her sister.

    Maybe someone else is wondering where you got your top.

    The goal is to come up with a new thought. One to replace the automatic thought that came to mind due to your limiting belief.

    With that new thought comes a new emotion. With that new emotion comes a new behavior. And that is now changing your relationship with your thoughts literally changes your life.

    Step 5: Let go.

    You’ve recognized what’s going on, allowed yourself to feel, gave yourself a moment of self-compassion, challenged your core beliefs, looked at the situation from another perspective, and now it’s time to let it go.

    I want you to ask yourself, “Is holding onto this thought serving me in any positive way?” If the answer is no, give yourself permission to let it go.

    You do that by bringing your focus back to the present. You can take some mindful breaths and focus on that.

    If you’re at the gym, bring your full attention to your feet hitting the treadmill. The feel of your sweat on your skin. The sound of the music playing. When you notice your mind has gone back to those negative thoughts, just notice it, say, “Oh yeah, I decided to let that go,” and come back to the present task at hand.

    It will happen again, your mind will go back to the thought—just gently guide your attention back to the present.

    This is meditation in action. This is how a meditation practice translates into real world change.

    Notice, acknowledge, and come back. Rinse and repeat.

    You are working on cultivating a new habit. One that allows you to let go of all that is no longer serving you.

  • What Helped Me the Most When I Thought My Life Was Over

    What Helped Me the Most When I Thought My Life Was Over

    “What I’m looking for is not out there, it is in me.” ~Helen Keller

    I used to think that life should be easy, and if it wasn’t easy, then I was doing it wrong.

    I’m older and wiser now, and I’ve learned that if it is hard, that means I am probably doing something right.

    I had a good childhood. I had a loving family, plenty of opportunity, and I excelled at whatever I put my mind to. But I was a high-anxiety kid, and a relentless perfectionist. As I grew older, that need to have everything flawless impeded my ability to be happy because I didn’t like myself very much.

    When I got married, I felt like I had added a notch to my self-worth belt. As someone who didn’t have a whole lot of self-esteem or love for herself, when someone else loved me, it was just what I needed to feel validated, or so I thought.

    But that wore off too.

    Then, I had kids, which was amazing—I love being a mom. But there was still something missing. I was happy enough, but I didn’t feel alive. There was this little whisper the whole time that said you are not where you’re supposed to be.  

    I felt this urgency to figure out how to be happy, but at the same time, I didn’t. I was happy enough, and there was that guilt. I should be happy. I was so blessed with two beautiful children, a husband, a gorgeous home—you know, the American dream. I’m a terrible, selfish person if I’m not thankful for everything I’ve been blessed with.

    And life was comfortable. It wasn’t what I had dreamed of, or as beautiful as I had thought it would be, but everything was “fine.” And the comfort of “fine” and certainty seemed better than the unknown.

    And then it happened.

    That whisper turned into a very hard and abrupt shove into another lane, as if I didn’t get the hint the first time.

    I could have taken it as a punishment for not being one hundred percent happy with where I was at, and, I suppose I did for a while. But now, I know it was the universe trying to tell me something, and it wasn’t whispering anymore.

    The universe was now yelling at me, loudly.

    The lane-changer happened the day I discovered my husband of seventeen years had been cheating on me with another man.

    The life I knew—the life that I was happy enough with—was gone in an instant on a hot, sweaty July day.

    I did not handle it gracefully. I was an utter hot mess for months and months. The better part of a couple of years, really.

    But I made it through the other side into my “new lane.” and I want to share a little bit about what helped me get here, and what helped me be truly happy here.

    The reason I was so devastated when I was thrust into my new lane is that I had been clinging to this vision of the life I thought that I should be living—the life that was “normal.”

    I was attached to so much—having a husband, having children, having a home, doing married-people-with-kids things. I could have never imagined my life a different way. In fact, it was scary to imagine my life differently.

    As I got older, my world shrunk. My comfort zone got bigger.

    When the crisis with my marriage happened, I tried to hold on tightly to everything that had just crumbled in front of me. But there was nothing left to hold on to –I was experiencing complete groundlessness.

    That attachment to the way things had been was all I had. I didn’t have a ton of self-love, or “I’m okay on my own” mentality. My identity was “we” with my partner for nearly twenty years, and I didn’t know how to function as a “me.”

    I had taken the little things, and the big things for granted.

    So what helped me survive this?

    Someone asked me this after I was feeling like my life was back on track, and after really thinking hard about it, three things came to me.

    Gratitude, mindfulness, and self-love.

    I’m often amazed at how succinctly I was able to boil down these lessons into a few things that were the tipping point for me to find myself, and my happiness again.

    Start with Gratitude

    Focusing on what we are grateful for is a super-simple and powerful tool that is often overlooked. We have access to gratitude at all times, and it is absolutely free. How’s that for a deal?

    Practicing gratitude on the regular has a ton of benefits. Focusing on what you’re grateful for has been shown to increase self-esteem, make us less self-centered, improves health, helps us sleep better, improves our relationships, and… gratitude makes us happier. Boom!

    Remember, gratitude is a practice. The more you cultivate it, the more you will feel it. Stick with it and try these simple ideas:

    1. Make the decision to be grateful. It all starts here.

    2. Keep a gratitude journal. Putting pen to paper (or a gratitude journal app if that’s more your speed) is a great way to get in the habit of focusing on the good things in your life, rather than the not-so-good things. Aim to write down at least 3 things you are grateful for every day.

    There are other neat ways to do this too, such as sharing something you’re grateful for at the dinner table each evening, or keeping a gratitude jar, in which you write what you’re thankful for on slips of paper and drop them in the jar.

    3. Create visual reminders of things you’re grateful for. Maybe a vision board? Or just a journal filled with images you love. If you’re an artist (or even if you’re not!), an art journal can be fun!

    4. Think of ways you can show your gratitude in everyday life, like doing something nice for a homeless person because you are grateful to have a roof over your head

    5. Think about how you can be grateful for the setbacks you’ve had—it’s hard, I know, but I promise you can find a silver lining in anything if you try! Journal about them.

    6. Think about how you’d feel without something. How would you feel if you had ZERO family or friends? Or if you hate your job, how would you feel if you didn’t have a paycheck?

    Next, Practice Mindfulness

    I know, I know. Everyone talks about how mindfulness will help you be happier.

    That’s because it works.

    The benefits of practicing mindfulness are many. Personally, in terms of the quest for happiness, I think the greatest thing that you can learn being mindful is how to observe your thoughts without judging them.

    Have you ever tried meditating, and found thoughts popping in and out of your head like a whack-a-mole game? And, if you’ve been in that space, have you been hard on yourself for not being able to meditate “properly”?

    There is not a right or wrong way to meditate. You will have thoughts that pop into your head and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. The point is to notice the thoughts and let them be there without any judgment (good or bad).

    Starting to pay attention and notice your thoughts is a huge step toward seeing which thoughts and patterns are getting in the way of your happiness. And then, once you begin to notice those thoughts and patterns, you can start to form new ones that will better serve you on your quest for happiness.

    Finally, Treat Yourself Like You’d Treat Someone You Love

    Once you’ve become more mindful of your thoughts, you might notice that your inner critic can be quite nasty sometimes, telling you you’re not _______ enough or not worthy enough.

    Chances are, you’d never speak that way to your children, best friend, or partner. So why on earth do we say such horrible things to ourselves?

    Think about it this way: Your inner critic has a lot of information that it has assimilated over the many years of your life. Some of it is helpful, and some of it just isn’t.

    I used to hate my body. I was not nice to myself at all.

    One day, it occurred to me that I would never say the things I said to myself to my daughter, and as someone who spent much of my adult life struggling with an eating disorder, I certainly did not want to pass that on to her.

    I committed that day to work on talking to myself like I would talk to my daughter. To caring for myself like I would care for my daughter.

    That started with telling myself I was worth self-love and self-care.

    The second step was noticing when my inner critic was telling me that I was not worth that love and care.  Once I was able to notice those thoughts, I was able to start replacing them with more helpful thoughts and words.

    Is any of this going to happen overnight?

    Nope.

    Happiness is something we all spend an awful lot of time looking for, and this feeling of peace and contentment that we all hunger for seems pretty elusive sometimes. But remember, it is in you. You already have everything you need inside of you. These three practices are some pretty simple things that you can do to start your journey toward happiness using what is already inside you.

    Everything is a process. You don’t get from point A to point B overnight. It’s the little things that you take the time to do every day that get you there. If you stare at a blade of grass, you can’t see it growing minute-by-minute, but when your lawn needs to be mowed, you can be pretty sure it grew a lot!

    The end result will come, but you must have patience. You must be grateful for the process to learn and grow. And during the process, you must treat yourself with love, kindness, and respect.

    When you can embrace this truth, you are sure to end up in a beautiful place, and one day, you too, will live from a place of happiness, purpose, and fulfillment.

  • Healing PTSD One Breath and One Day at a Time

    Healing PTSD One Breath and One Day at a Time

    “Recovering from PTSD is being fragile and strong at the same time. It’s a beautiful medley of constantly being broken down and pieced together. I am a painting almost done to completion, beautiful but not quite complete.” ~Kate J. Tate

    I never considered myself as a trauma survivor.

    I didn’t think I had something as severe as PTSD. I reserved that diagnosis to those who suffered from things far worse than me.

    It felt dramatic and attention-seeking to label myself as a “trauma survivor.”

    First of all, what is trauma? The term tends to be loosely thrown around, and the meaning can be hard to identify. Essentially, trauma is an event that overwhelms the central nervous system and exceeds our ability to cope or integrate the emotions involved with that experience. The more frightened and helpless we feel, the more likely we are to be traumatised.

    PTSD is a mental health condition that can develop after a person has been through a traumatic event or has experienced repeated exposure to trauma. But not every traumatic event will result in PTSD.

    It’s natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Our inner “fight-or-flight” response is our body’s way of protecting us from harm. While virtually everyone will experience a range of reactions after a traumatic event, it’s those who are unable to integrate the experience properly, and when it starts to interfere with daily life that it develops into PTSD.

    Symptoms like flashbacks, bad dreams, or frightening thoughts that last for more than a month and are severe enough to interfere with relationships or work are considered to be PTSD.

    I know this area very well because I’ve experienced it, but also because I’ve studied it. I’ve recently graduated as an art therapist and have asked myself whether it’s ‘professional’ to write so openly about something as intense and vulnerable as my own journey through PTSD.

    As a student, it was perfectly fine to write about the pain of my past. I was still learning, developing, healing. But as a graduate, it feels like something I’m meant to have already resolved by now. Unfortunately, though, I’ve come to realize that healing from psychological trauma can be a lifelong journey.

    Those who know me well are aware that my sister died of suicide. While I rarely ever speak of the subject, I have written about my grief and pain extensively. It’s been seven years since she died, and I still feel the trauma from those years leading up to and following her death.

    Anyone who has lost someone they love to suicide can understand the guilt, shame, and isolation that pile on top of the unbearable grief of their loss. We are often plagued with guilt. “Wasn’t there more I could have done?” Suicide is still so misunderstood and stigmatized.

    For years I was oblivious to the accumulation of trauma on my body until I moved to the other side of the world, met the man I am with today, and created a life where I finally felt safe and secure in my home environment.

    Without any actual threats anymore, my mind was bewildered by the stability of my life. For over ten years, I was coping with actual life or death situations, and now there was none. It was just calm and quiet.

    It didn’t last before I was pulled up in another type of storm, a toxic workplace. What made matters worse is that I could not quit or go on stress leave unless I was prepared to leave the country. Essentially, my visa to remain in Australia was tied to that job.

    I saw a lawyer and was told that if I wanted to stay in the country then I would have to stick it out for the next two and half years. Only then could I quit. It felt like I’d been sentenced to prison.

    The feeling of being trapped and helpless triggered memories of my past, when I was fighting to save my sister’s life. After having a panic attack at work and being prescribed three different types of medication, I became seriously concerned about my health.

    It scared me because I was doing everything I was ‘supposed’ to do. I was eating well, exercising, seeing a psychotherapist, and meditating almost daily. I was functioning relatively well on the outside. Yet I had terrible stomach aches, regular nightmares, and severe chest pain.

    Eventually those painful two and half years passed, and the day came where I could finally quit. When I walked out of that office for the very last time, I almost kissed the ground in euphoria. I felt so free and alive. Magically, all of my physical symptoms subsided. I could finally breathe and cherished every single unstrained breath.

    Sadly, it didn’t last. Slowly but surely, all the familiar physical symptoms of anxiety slowly came back. This made it clear to me that all this unprocessed pain is still in my body. I finally understood what Eckhart Tolle was referring to when he talked about “the pain body.” I knew I needed heal myself by gaining more of an understanding of my unconscious triggers.

    Of course, I had no idea how to go about that because, well, they are not conscious. This led me to where I am now; undergoing something called Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR).

    The goal of EMDR is to process and integrate traumatic memories into standard, less emotionally charged memories. I expected the first session would ‘cure’ me and I’d leave a new person, just in time for graduating as an art therapist! But of course, life rarely follows the expectations we have for it.

    My psychologist also explained that EMDR tends to work best for a one-time traumatic event like a car accident. For those like me who have complex PTSD, a few more sessions are usually required. In addition to monthly EMDR sessions, my psychologist recommended that I read The Body Keeps the Score and try out trauma-sensitive yoga. I’m also taking a meditation practitioner course where I meditate daily, and am learning from wise teachers like Tara Brach, Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra.

    While the process has been excruciatingly slow, I can feel a bit more space in my heart. The pace of it still infuriates me at times, if I’m being honest. But I know that hurrying and rushing does not help the healing process. In fact, it seems to have the opposite effect. So now I’m doing what I’ve never done: slowing down. Creating time for deliberate quietness through meditation and connecting to my body to learn its language through yoga.

    I have moments now when I feel overwhelmed by my to-do list and feel my whole-body tense. I can usually pinpoint when I have dropped outside of my window of tolerance because I suddenly have the urge to act immediately on every single thing. Not a moment to waste! Get out of my way!

    In those moments, I stop. I relax my shoulders and take a deep breath. If I’m swarmed with fear-inducing thoughts about all the worst-case scenarios, I then reflect on the opposite of those thoughts. This pause might last for less than a second and then the rush of thinking swarms me again. When it does, I try my best to be compassionate and forgiving to myself for falling back into my old ways.

    We are who we are because of years of repetition, which resulted in habits. I can create a new one. Every single day I’m changing. These moments of stillness and peace throughout the day add up. They are the building blocks for a new way of being. They are the daisies and sunflowers on the road to healing.

    There are no shortcuts or accelerator programs to get ‘healed.’ At least none that I’m aware of. It takes time to break through the fog of the past and settle into the stillness of being. To unravel ourselves from the pain we once endured and return to the life that’s in front of us now. It takes continuous daily effort and requires inordinate amounts of self-forgiveness and compassion.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely healed, and maybe that’s not the point. Maybe the point is to expand my tolerance of all that it is to be human. Maybe the path of being a healer of any kind is not show people the way, but to just be with them. We all experience things so differently, anyway. There is no one size fits all.

    In the meantime, I’ll continue doing what I’m doing. Or, continuing what I’m ‘being.’ Taking each day as it comes. One breath at a time.

  • 3 Nature Therapy Exercises to Help You Live in the Now

    3 Nature Therapy Exercises to Help You Live in the Now

    “Nature is the best medicine for serenity. Peace. Calmness. Stillness. It’s good for the heart.” ~Karen Madwell

    I was looking for a way to stop obsessing over the future. I’d spent my adult life as an underground musician, and it had been wonderful for the large part. The thing is, it wasn’t good for me anymore.

    I felt anxious onstage. I felt really uncomfortable with so many people looking at me. I had changed as a person, and yet I continued putting myself through performing even though I hated it.

    Have you ever done that? Have you ever continued to do things that you hate because you identify so strongly with what you are doing? If I wasn’t “a musician,” which I had been all of my adult life, then what would I be? It felt as if I would be nothing at all.

    Through dabbling with various new musical projects, I became increasingly aware that whatever was going to be creatively fulfilling (if anything), would inevitably lead my mind to obsess over it, sending me into a dreamworld of scenarios where I was the center of everything. Perhaps this is why I continued singing: I wanted to “be something special.”

    In my imagination (which was extremely active), singing always seemed so important, and after each gig I would only remember the fun parts (of which there were many too, don’t get me wrong). Then I’d get onstage the next time and think, “What am I doing here?”

    The awareness that I was letting dreams and fantasies dictate my life wasn’t profound, it was just a product of getting a little older and thinking, do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life? I looked into ways that I could enjoy the here and now a bit more; ways of appreciating life as it was actually happening, rather than several years later through filtered, distorted, and romanticized memories.

    I’d never meditated or done anything that I would have previously disregarded as “hippy rubbish.” I had read something about mindful breathing somewhere.

    I didn’t know anything about mindfulness, but I had an impression that it was something that middle-class people did a lot alongside their yoga. I didn’t relate to that image at all. I didn’t realize that it was simply a tool for paying attention to what is happening.

    Then one day I focused on my breath while I was on a walk in the local park with my dog, Euro. Suddenly, everything was alive. The world was just beautiful.

    At that moment, focusing only on what I could see and sense, my mind went right back to basics, to where I remember it being when I was a very small child. The hairs stood up on the back of my neck (and all over my body) and I couldn’t stop grinning.

    Several blackbirds popped their jerky, judgmental eyes out from under some shrubs, bobbing forward for worms and eyeing me up cautiously as I walked past. I didn’t just see a bird and move on. I saw strange, beaked, winged creatures who fly about this land—singing, to boot! (If birds existed only in myth and folklore, they would make elves and unicorns seem positively dull.)

    Walking around the park, I was in a calm ecstasy, grinning at everything around me, occasionally wondering if I looked to others like I was on some serious happy pills (but not much caring what other people thought).

    I didn’t see trees and move on. I saw wooden beings, some of them hundreds of years older than me, growing out of the ground and displaying leaves and petals reaching up into the sky. Why we were there together, swapping gases, was a beautiful mystery.

    A year or so after this experience, and others like it, I realized that what I was practicing that day was “ecotherapy” or “nature therapy,” although I didn’t know about those terms at the time. I’ve since trained to become an ecotherapist to help other people find this amazing connection to nature, and this is honestly something I would never have seen myself doing five years ago.

    Somehow, when I became an adult, I had forgotten what nature meant to me as a child. I think most of us are connected to nature deeply as children, and yet we get easily distracted from it as we get older. I don’t think I am unique in that respect at all.

    One day, back when I was seven or eight years of age, I was allowed to set my alarm clock for the early morning hours. I went to the local park with a notebook and pen to see what animals I could find.

    I saw my first ever hedgehog, and it felt like meeting a visitor from another dimension. I just couldn’t believe that there was this unique spiky creature in front of me, living completely independently, getting on with its weird little life in shrubs and muck. I still get a feeling of awe when I recall that moment, watching it curl up in the early morning dew.

    I grew up as a proper city boy in the suburbs of Liverpool, England. Somehow, when I became a teenager, I did what many of us do and I got so caught up with ‘finding out who I was’ that I neglected what was happening on the earth around me for decades! I had fun for the most part, but I spent so much of my life lost in fantasy and living in honor of some so-called ‘identity’ that I forgot how important nature was to me.

    Earth is a wonderland. The diversity of life that we encounter each and every day (and often ignore) is mind-boggling. Creatures that crawl, fly, and speak are everywhere. The vivid colors present in giant plants that grow from tiny seeds is just awesome (in the traditional ‘awe-some’ sense of the word)!

    It took me years to comfortably move away from a life in music to be doing the things in life that I am doing now. I think changing our callings in life always comes with a sense of grief to some degree; we attach and identify with the things we do quite naturally.

    Nature has taught me to enjoy not being the center of attention, to simply enjoy feeling that I’m a part of this beautiful world, and it’s such a relief! We are tiny and yet we are miraculous at the same time. I don’t need to do things that make me anxious if I have the control to stop doing them.

    More About Ecotherapy/Nature Therapy

    The term “nature therapy” is used interchangeably with the term “ecotherapy,” but they are referring to the same thing. In a nutshell, ecotherapy refers to therapies and activities that deliberately aim to improve our mental health and well-being through connecting with nature. It is a broad, umbrella term.

    Some ecotherapists may be qualified psychotherapists who offer “walk and talk” outdoor counseling sessions, whereas others may focus on helping people to create art or poetry inspired by nature. Some ecotherapists run gardening groups, and there are many more approaches still! Ecotherapy is totally, 100% something that you can do for yourself; it’s actually very simple!

    For me personally, the most powerful ecotherapy exercises are based on mindfulness (it was this kind of work that changed my life, and so I’m bound to feel like that)! Here are three simple exercises to try that have been amazing for me personally, and I hope that they help you to find a deeper connection to nature.

    1. Look toward the new.

    Take a walk somewhere you go often and give attention to your regular habits. Notice your walking habits closely: how you often pay attention to the same things in your environment without conscious awareness. Deliberately shift your attention elsewhere every time you notice you notice your attention going to a habitual place. What new things do you notice around you?

    2. Use your senses.

    Find an outdoor space where you feel comfortable and safe. With your eyes closed, focus on your senses, especially tuning into sounds, smells, and the feeling of the air against your skin. Open your eyes after a few minutes and take in the color and sights all around you. How does it feel? (Please note, if you have any sensory impairments, simply adjust the task to work in the best way for you; this exercise can be effective with whatever senses you use.)

    3. Notice nature reclaiming space.

    Take a city/town walk where there is lots of concrete and look for the weeds and wildflowers popping up through the pavement and walls. How often can you spot nature appearing through the cracks? How does it feel to notice it?

    Nature is not separate from us. We are a part of nature too, and I hope that these simple exercises help you to feel that connection. If all else fails, simply spend a little time outdoors, or even open a window if there are restrictions on you going outside. Just remember to pay attention to what’s going on out there!

  • If You Feel Stuck and Tired of Waiting for Things to Get Better

    If You Feel Stuck and Tired of Waiting for Things to Get Better

    “I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” ~Stephen Covey

    In August 2019, I was sitting in my therapist’s office with my head in my hands. I was heartbroken over a recently ended relationship, stuck working a job I wasn’t excited about, and I was living across the country from my closest friends and family. I felt like I couldn’t do much to change my situation because I was about to enter my final year of university, and I needed to stay put.

    “Sometimes, life is a logjam,” my therapist said. I visualized giant, sliced-up oak trees floating on a river, stacked up on top of each other.

    “You’ll be done university by April next year, then you’ll be free to do what you like,” she said. I don’t think my therapist intended for me to interpret her message this way, but at that moment, I dubbed my life the “logjam.” I accepted that life would be hard for me until graduation in April 2020.

    It was easy for me to feel sorry for myself. First thing in the morning, I would roll over to my phone and scroll mindlessly. I started each day by looking at people online: people in happy relationships, traveling freely, eating fancy food at fancy places. I started to notice that this action was causing me to suffer.

    One morning, I decided I wouldn’t start my day like that. Instead, I’d leave the phone where it was and go for a walk. I began my days by heading out for a thirty-minute walk, rain or shine. The boost of exercise endorphins paired with distance from my smartphone felt great.

    As I walked, I fantasized about April 2020—the month when I’d be able to take a trip somewhere to celebrate my graduation, I’d find a new job, I could move to a new city, and without being in school… I’d have time for dating again! The countdown was on. In April, I’d finally be able to enjoy my life again.

    When my university closed down in March due to COVID-19, I thought for sure it would reopen by graduation in April.

    We all know where this is going.

    April 2020 came and went, and the pandemic spread across North America. As Canada implemented more and more restrictions, I realized that I had spent the better part of a year counting down the days until my circumstance would change. I thought that if I could make it to April, all my freedom and happiness would be restored. But April came, I lost my job, I moved back into my mom’s house, and activities like travel and dating were off the table.

    The pandemic has thrown a lot of our lives into a logjam. A lot of us feel stuck. A lot of us have our eyes set on the future, when the logs will begin rolling again. Maybe you’re thinking, “Everything will be back to normal by the winter.” Of course, it might be, and I hope so. But it also very well might not be back to normal by then.

    Take this advice from someone who spent the better part of last year counting down the days until I could enjoy my life: the logjam is in our mind, and it will last as long as we believe it’s there.

    My morning walks are different now. Instead of thinking about all the things I’m going to do in the future, I think about what’s happening right now. How can I be a better daughter, sister, friend? What will I do to take care of myself today? What am I grateful for at this moment?

    Incredible growth comes from learning how to adjust and survive in undesirable conditions. Sometimes life requires us to keep our head down and focus on one foot in front of the other. Life can’t always be pure joy and lots of fun. Life can’t always be a happy relationship, vacations to amazing destinations, or fancy foods at fancy restaurants. Sometimes life is harder than that.

    Many people in the world right now are experiencing much worse than a mental logjam—loss, illness, financial hardship, violence, and discrimination have been the reality for many in 2020. A lot of people are struggling to pay their bills, overwhelmed by work or unemployment, unpredictability of childcare and healthcare, dealing with sick relatives, etc. Maybe you’re one of them.

    But if, like me, you’re blessed enough to have most of your needs met right now, keeping things in perspective can make this slow and sticky time a little more bearable. And it can also help prepare you for times when things are far harder. The better we can cope with moments when we feel stuck, the better equipped we’ll be to deal with life’s most heartbreaking challenges.

    It’s a skill to be able to feel content when things around us look bleak. I’m not going to pretend that living with a parent and losing my job is where I pictured myself this summer. And I won’t pretend that every day has been really easy simply because of a morning walk. But the mindfulness I’ve practiced over the last year has helped me to see the glass as half-full.

    This summer I’ve spent every single day swimming in a lake. I’ve reconnected with childhood friends. I’ve been able to help my mom raise a new puppy. I’ve been able to write articles like this one, without the stress of grades and a timeline. While it isn’t what I imagined my summer looking like after finishing university, it’s wonderful in its own way.

    Instead of criticizing ourselves, our lives, or each other during these unprecedented times, try to take a full-bodied breath, put your feet on the ground, and feel the life that’s still happening all around you. You may have a lot of responsibilities and be facing major challenges, but if your circumstances allow it… I challenge you to start making the best of this unpredictable year.

    Choose to see the logs rolling down the river, untethered by each other, moving forward toward everything that’s coming next.

  • 5 Easy Exercises That Will Make You Lose Your Mind

    5 Easy Exercises That Will Make You Lose Your Mind

    “Lose your mind so that you can gain a new way of knowing.” ~Holly Lynn Payne

    You know those moments when your thoughts seem to be going off in all directions? No logic, no control. All fighting for your attention like a class full of overexcited school children, one shouting even louder than the other at a teacher who’s lost control and ends up running out of the classroom crying.

    “What if I don’t get this job?”

    “What if they don’t like me?”

    “Why hasn’t Rico returned my calls?”

    “What if he doesn’t really love me?”

    “Did I turn down the heater?”

    “I feel like a failure thinking about my money situation.’”

    “He should have called me back if he really loves me.”

    “I should start budgeting tomorrow.”

    “I am going to do yoga every day next month.”

    “I should really lose some weight.”

    “If this is how it is, I don’t want to see him anymore.”

    “Is reality really even real?”

    “I feel feverish; do I have Corona?”

    “What if the sun doesn’t come up?”

    “I am going to text him now.”

    “No, let’s not text him now, I am too upset.”

    “I feel a weird tingling in my hand, am I dying?”

    In such a situation you feel like you are going crazy, right? You want to stop it and get out of there and just want some peace and quiet. Precisely because it is so uncomfortable to have thoughts like these, it is a great motivation to let go of your mind and find your silence inside. These moments make you want to lose your mind, and that’s actually awesome!

    Meditation is a great ally in my life on all levels; sitting in silence helps me get in touch with a deeper level of experiencing—more happiness, more flow, and more magic. But I speak to a lot of people who find it very hard to start meditation. Even if they try, they get stuck or they struggle.

    It is my mission to make meditation easy for anyone who’s interested, because it really is easy once you get it.

    Through my years of spiritual practice, retreats, and meditation training I ran into a few exercises that almost feel like a cheat code to get around the mind. They are so easy, so accessible, you don’t need any practice and they don’t take long at all. But they deliver on a silver platter what so many people are looking for after years of trying to quiet the mind with meditation.

    Whether you are a newbie or a veteran, it doesn’t matter; these exercises offer something for everyone.

    What’s important for all these exercises: Let go of expectations, just observe what is happening; there is no right or wrong. Experience how it feels for you and stay in the feeling; don’t try to understand it in words.

    1. Ping pong

    The next time you find yourself caught up in some type of love story or money trouble or worry in your head, pay attention and you will see you have thoughts that say completely the opposite.

    Think about this classic example of contradictory thoughts:

    “I never want to see him again.”

    “Why doesn’t he call me?”

    When you have opposing thoughts like this, take a step back in your mind and look at both thoughts. It’s just like looking at a ping pong match, right? Then just stay there for a while and feel what happens.

    2. Look

    Go for a walk outside; it doesn’t matter where or when. Focus purely on your surroundings. Just look with your eyes, really look, without commenting in your head on what you see. It doesn’t matter if it’s a beautiful forest of a busy shopping street, just keep your attention on what you experience in the moment.

    If at any moment a thought pops into your head, don’t grab hold of it; just observe it and let it float by, like a cloud in the sky. In the meantime, keep your attention on your surroundings and keep walking.

    3. Five breaths

    This might sound very simple, but when it comes down to it, it’s harder for a lot of people then they might think, and that’s what makes it so fun and so eye-opening. It’s a great way to see how many thoughts, big and small, are popping up in your head every breath.

    So just sit down, close your eyes, and breathe five slow breaths in and out, in and out, counting as you go—inhale, exhale, one; inhale, exhale, two. Counting will give you something to hold your mind, which will help you keep it clear of other thoughts.

    If you can make it to five with a quiet mind, see if you can add another five, and then more after that. If thoughts pop up, simply bring your focus back to your counting and your breath.

    While you practice this the invitation is to see what happens for you. How does your mind feel? How does your body feel? Are you experiencing anything different?

    4. Wait for it

    Sit down, close your eyes, and say to yourself, “Hmm, I wonder what the next thought is going to be.” Focus on the space inside your head where thoughts seem to come from and sit and wait for the next thought while keeping your focus.

    5. Hum!

    The amazing Indian tradition of Brahmari is a great emergency tool for calming a chaotic mind.

    Just close your eyes and go “Huuuummmmmmmmmmm” and keep the “mmmm” going for as long as you can until you hear the “mmmm” in the center of your brain. You can also use “Ohm” or “Aum” if you like, since they end with “mmmm” as well. Do it as long as you can, for as long as you like, and see how it calms and relaxes you.

    —

    These five exercises will give you an experience of silence in no time at all, and they’re all great first steps toward a regular meditation practice. When one doesn’t work just move to the next one, not forcing anything. Be playful with it.

    If you do these exercises regularly the silence will become longer and clearer. But beware: They might just make you fall in love with losing your mind!

  • How to Get All the Benefits of Meditation by Balancing

    How to Get All the Benefits of Meditation by Balancing

    “Use only that which works and take it from any place you can find it.” ~Bruce Lee

    Ding.

    The meditation timer chimes, and through a small miracle of willpower you managed to sit through an excruciating ten-minute meditation session.

    What you should feel is a sense of accomplishment. After all, you often skip it altogether.

    But instead you feel frustrated having just spent the entire session fidgeting, lost in fantasies that involve bragging to a friend about meditating today.

    Your “monkey mind” is strong. It’s like a whole jungle of monkeys in there.

    I went through the same thing back in 1998 when I first came to the cushion. My mind was like an overgrown garden full of angry racoons.

    Sitting on a pile of pillows, back aching, knees screaming, and mind racing, I would wonder, “Am I doing this right?” But the promise of freedom from my inner turmoil kept me coming back to the practice.

    And, even though I always felt a little better afterward (if for no other reason than I was doing something good for myself), it took months to see more tangible and lasting results.

    What I didn’t realize then was that I already knew how to meditate. I had been doing it for years as a young boy, but it didn’t look anything like the exotic (to me) methods I was trying to learn from my grandmother’s dusty old books.

    In fact, I had completely forgotten about the temporary state of calm, clarity, and focus that settled over me like a soothing balm on those dusty summer afternoons of my childhood.

    Now I meditate every day, but I’ve also returned to some of those earlier “practices” from my youth. Methods that you should know about too because I know how hard it is to adopt a consistent practice.

    Our Attraction to Distraction

    When it comes to focus, you’re fighting an uphill battle.

    Our world is a sea of distraction that you’ve been swimming in your whole life.

    Bombarded with ads, alerts, and alarms, you watch films that jump from one scene to the next with dizzying frequency. Texting causes your brain to slavishly listen for the next “ping.” One-click shopping allows you to gratify any urge almost as quickly as it arises.

    The mind must be trained to focus, and I think you’ll agree that we live in an environment engineered to do just the opposite.

    So don’t feel bad if it’s difficult to quiet your mind and maintain steady attention.

    Traditional meditation doesn’t come easily to anyone (no one I’ve met, at least). And even those who are completely sold on its many benefits often struggle to maintain a consistent practice. Yet they stay committed to the idea of it, hoping they’ll find their groove someday.

    If this sounds like you, don’t despair. There is an easier and fun way to experience that meditative state, one that doesn’t require the traditional butt-on-cushion approach.

    Don’t get me wrong, a formal meditation practice is wonderful and rewarding. It helps you cultivate consistency and discipline; connects you to a tradition; and lays the foundation for more advanced spiritual practices.

    But, while you’re working on that, wouldn’t it be great to start enjoying some of meditation’s benefits right away?

    A Balanced Approach

    As a boy I suffered with intense anxiety and emotional turmoil.

    Maybe it was my parents’ divorce that left me feeling scared and angry. Or possibly the bullying that terrorized my early years.

    I was weaker than the other kids and would become paralyzed with fear when they took turns choking and punching me in the schoolyard. Sometimes I would lie about not feeling well so I didn’t have to go to school.

    I hated that place.

    Paying attention wasn’t a struggle because I didn’t even try. I learned that it was futile. Instead, I stared out the window, daydreaming about running free outdoors.

    And when school let out that’s exactly what I did.

    Across the street from my house were the railroad tracks, the unofficial boundary line of a special world we called the “Pipeyard.”

    This piece of land was dotted with old warehouses and crisscrossed by dirt roads that provided access to the piles of steel pipes being stored until they could be sold to oil leases and other industries.

    There were big fat pipes you could climb inside, and skinny pipes that flexed when you walked out to the middle of them. Sometimes they were piled ten feet high, while other racks were almost empty, allowing the pipes to roll as you climbed on them.

    For an unattended eighties kid, it was the ultimate playground.

    But this dangerous place wasn’t just for fun, it was my sanctuary. A place where I could spend hours alone, balancing back and forth above the dusty weeds.

    And that’s when the magic happened.

    All of my worries and anxiety would disappear. On those narrow pipes there was no room for the nagging fears, the unhelpful inner dialogue, and vague uneasiness that haunted me.

    I would enter a kind of meditative trance, immersed in the sensory experience of my feet touching the surface of the pipe, the little wobbles in my legs, the sound of high-top sneakers scuffing against rusty steel.

    There was power in the simplicity of it.

    It helped that I was outdoors. Alone, quiet, and focused single-mindedly on the task at hand.

    The physicality got me out of my head and into the present moment. When a yoga teacher tells me to get grounded, I know exactly what that feels like.

    In balancing, every moment is novel.

    Step onto any elevated surface with the intent to balance, and your mind will immediately sharpen—a protective mechanism evolution hardwired into our nervous system.

    You could say it’s the ultimate meditation hack.

    With even a little time balancing, you’ll find how quickly you adapt. There is constant and immediate feedback telling you to relax, bend your knees, breathe… and focus.

    Do it for a little longer, and your mind becomes increasingly clear, perceptions heightened—creating a magical experience where time seems to slow down. The same things you experience after a great meditation session.

    The World Is Your Playground

    The beauty is that you don’t need anything (or to go anywhere) to get started.

    No need to endanger your health and safety like I did as a seven-year-old!

    Begin by standing on one leg. If that’s hard, stand near a wall or chair so you can catch yourself. Simply walking along a seam in the sidewalk or on a low curb will be a good starting challenge for many.

    If you connect with this practice, it’s easy to set up obstacles at home.

    I built a balance beam in my living room from an eight-foot-long pine beam purchased at The Home Depot. It cost less than $20, but even a simple 2” x 4” laid flat on the floor should keep you occupied for a while.

    Once you catch the balance bug, something clicks and you’ll see obstacles everywhere you go: Parking curbs, low walls, railings, fences, logs, rocks.

    Balancing is a blast. It adds an element of play, creativity, and adventure to your day. Remember the game “hot lava?” Whatever you do, don’t touch the ground!

    Here are a few things to keep in mind for better results.

    Don’t do anything reckless, please. Stay off the railroad tracks and bridge railings.

    Keep in mind your physical condition and abilities.

    Always test logs, rocks, or railings for strength and stability before you hop on. I’ve taken some spills, but I’m in good shape and know how to safely take a fall.

    Start with simple, small, and safe.

    This is about adding just enough challenge and complexity to focus the mind. And it doesn’t take much. Especially if you don’t have much experience balancing.

    Here are three tips to help you maintain or regain your balance:

    Breathe deeply into your abdomen by imagining you’re inflating a balloon in your gut with each inhalation. Inhale to fill the balloon, and as you exhale the balloon deflates.

    Relax (especially your upper body) as much as possible on each exhalation. When you do this, relax and bend your knees until you regain your composure.

    As you exhale and relax, drop your awareness down toward the object you’re balancing on. One of my qigong teachers would often say, “Where the mind goes, energy flows.”

    With these safety and balance pointers in mind, you will be poised to start benefiting from your new meditation practice.

    Meditation Is Back on the Menu

    The benefits of regular meditation are undeniable, and now you can drop into that state of mind many times a day.

    The more you do it, the better you get. Your nervous system becomes conditioned to enter an optimal state faster and more effectively with each session.

    Balance evokes the memory and energy of play, often becoming a game to see how long or far you can make it without falling.

    The cool thing?

    Your motivation to do a more traditional practice will likely increase.

    Why?

    Because you’ll be in the habit of dropping into a meditative state. We enjoy doing things we’re good at, and meditation is no different.

    Do your neck, back, and knees get sore during sitting practice?

    Not a problem with balancing. You can alternate between standing in one place or moving. We sit too much already, it’s better for us to spend more time in mindful movement.

    Think of balancing as a form of dynamic meditation practice, similar to Tai Chi, qigong, or yoga. For balancing to be more meditative, be quiet, move slowly, and bring your full awareness and attention to your body and breath.

    And finally, don’t forget that balance is a fundamental physical ability, one that declines with age.

    For you, that shouldn’t be a problem.

    Finding Stillness in Movement

    Meditation won’t always be so difficult.

    Sure, there are good and bad days, but at some point you get past the struggle and mostly enjoy it.

    Fortunately, there are easier ways to get most of the benefits that don’t require the superhuman discipline required to meditate consistently in today’s distracting world.

    Keep it fun, make it a game, and have some adventures.

    Stay safe out there.

  • Why Presence, Not Time, Is Your Most Important Asset

    Why Presence, Not Time, Is Your Most Important Asset

    “Wherever you are, be there. Lifestyle is not something we do; it is something we experience. And until we learn to be there, we will never master the art of living well.” ~Jim Rohn 

    I have been told again and again that our time is our most precious asset. But I disagree.

    The blogosphere is filled with tips on time management—how to get more for our time. I am willing to bet my life that you have come across many such tips online yourself.

    You have probably even adopted some of them.

    I myself am notorious for scouting the internet to find any new tip to help me manage my time better. And yet I find that I am struggling. Yet I find myself constantly being a prisoner to my devices.

    There is one thing that will beat time any day—presence. Time might be important, but our presence is paramount.

    Tell me if you can relate: You are at a family gathering or a reunion, and you cannot help but notice how disengaged everyone around you is. Your cousin is busy taking selfies while your aunt is on the phone with her friend. Your dad is catching up on all the Donald Trump tweets and your sibling is making a TikTok video.

    So, what do you end up doing? You pull out your phone and start checking Instagram.

    I know it because I have been there myself.

    Social gatherings are no longer what they used to be a decade ago. We are constantly connected now. Anxiety kicks in if we cannot find our phones or if the battery is about to die.

    I am sitting in a cafe typing this, and when I look around, I see a bunch of people sitting but busy on their phones. Present but only physically. Technology has made our worlds smaller, yet at the same time made us more distant.

    We have come to believe that just showing up is enough. As if just being present physically will make things better. It rarely ever does!

    It is infuriating and frustrating at the same time—being there, yet not being present.

    We show up to fit in, but if given a choice, we would rather not be there. Physically, we are in one place, but mentally, we are busy wondering how life might be greener on the other side.

    Mentally, we are busy trying to stay “up to date” with god knows what.

    Presence is a big deal.

    Imagine you’ve made a reservation at a fancy restaurant for a special night. You’ve heard good things about the food and the ambience of the place. You’re excited for one hell of a night, only to be served by a preoccupied server who ignores your table, messes up your order, and ruins your dining experience.

    We have all been there, haven’t we?

    Now, think back to the last time you got someone’s full attention. How did that make you feel? Tell me that the experience wasn’t memorable and pleasant.

    It’s easy to tell the difference when someone is mentally absent versus when someone is fully present because presence cannot be delegated. You simply cannot hand it off to someone and get away with it. 

    You also cannot cut corners with your presence, because then you are as good as not there. You are either there or you are not. There is no in-between!

    All of us have to own our presence and choose to be in the moment.

    In a world that is becoming more isolated, presence becomes a big deal because it is now a scarce commodity. There simply isn’t enough of it going around, which makes it more valuable than time.

    As Maya Angelou said:

    “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

    Unlike gifts, our presence cannot be copied, imitated, or replicated. Just like our fingerprints, our presence is unique to us, and without us, there is a void that nobody can fill.

    Every opportunity you get—and trust me, they get fewer and fewer as you grow older—you should make a choice to be present.

    Your relationship doesn’t need time; it needs you to be present. It needs you to take notice of the smiles, the laughter, the hugs, the sadness. It needs you to be an active participant in the uncomfortable moments, the difficult conversations, and the embarrassing pictures.

    Next time, when you find yourself reaching for your phone, reach for it, switch it off, and put it away. This will allow you to, one, be present and, two, catch up with the people present in the room rather than stay up to date with the ones outside. In most cases, the ones that matter are right there with you.

    Next time, choose presence because time only matters if you’re really there to enjoy it.

  • Free Online Summit to Cultivate Mindfulness & Loving-Kindness

    Free Online Summit to Cultivate Mindfulness & Loving-Kindness

    There’s no denying we’re living in stressful times, marked by uncertainty and suffering for many. We’ve all been through a lot this year. We were physically disconnected for months, and now many of us feel more divided than ever—politically, economically, and ideologically.

    Many of us are grappling with grief, stress, and anxiety, while others are succumbing to fear, anger, and hatred—which only create more fear, anger, and hatred. We all need to collectively find a better way to live, starting within and then extending without, to the world around us.

    How can we skillfully work with difficult feelings and learn to use our kindness and courage to build a better world?

    The Re-Awaken summit applies timeless wisdom to our modern challenges to inspire and reinvigorate us. Over five days between June 24th to 28th, Lion’s Roar will bring together an inspirational panel of fifteen leading spiritual teachers and activists who have spent their lives working to change themselves, and our world, for the better.

    With twenty-nine inspirational teachings, meditations, and reflections, the Re-Awaken summit is a call to action for anyone looking for a positive way forward filled with loving-kindness, insight, and compassion.

    Register now for free and discover ways to:

    • Avoid burnout and look after your mind and body
    • Cultivate calm and compassion in the midst of anxiety
    • Engage with the world with mindfulness and loving-kindness
    • Overcome division to build healthy communities
    • Rediscover joy, hope, and the motivation to create a better future

    Right now, more than ever, we all need connection and inspiration to “be the change we wish to see,” and to do so with bravery, optimism, and open heart.

    Sign up here and you’ll get free access to transformational teachings and practices that will help you do just that.

    When you sign up, Lion’s Roar will send you their new interview with Sharon Salzberg as a free gift—a glimpse of the insight you can look forward to in the summit.

    I hope you find the summit helpful!

  • 8 Quick and Easy Meditation Techniques to Calm Your Anxious Mind

    8 Quick and Easy Meditation Techniques to Calm Your Anxious Mind

    Have you ever found it hard to motivate yourself to do something that was good for you, only to eventually do it, feel amazing, and wonder why you waited so long?

    That’s what meditating was like for me. Even though I knew I could do it for only five minutes each day to feel calmer, less stressed, and more present, I found excuses not to do it regularly for years.

    I’d tell myself five minutes wasn’t enough; I really needed thirty or more, and I didn’t have that time, so why bother?

    I’d lament that I was too anxious to sit still (ironic, considering that I knew meditating could calm my anxiety).

    I’d complain that my environment was too distracting (irony yet again, since meditation ultimately helps us focus and better deal with distractions).

    And then there was my most commonly used excuse: “It just doesn’t work for me.”

    Of course it didn’t “work.” I wasn’t meditating with any consistency. And when I did, I got impatient with my own busy brain, like watching the proverbial pot that wouldn’t boil, instead of simply easing into the experience.

    I was approaching it with a perfectionist mindset, as if I needed to eventually have a completely clear mind to be “good at it.”

    Everything changed for me when I realized I could meditate in many different ways, to suit my schedule, moods, and needs; and that the only goal was to show up, mindfully observe my inner life, and practice detaching from my thoughts.

    It was okay if I never achieved complete mental clarity. The practice itself, with its mental messiness and mind wandering, was the path to more clarity in my daily life.

    And it’s not just about mental clarity. Adopting a regular meditation practice—even just five minutes a day—can improve your sleep, regulate your mood, boost your resilience, and help ease and prevent a number of physical ailments.

    No other habit positively impacts so many areas of your life simultaneously. Because meditation helps reduce anxiety, depression, stress, and anger, while improving your focus, presence, and physical health, it bleeds into all areas of your life—your work, your relationships, your hobbies.

    Literally everything can transform, over time, with just five minutes each day.

    Whether you’re new to meditation or just looking for some alternative ways to fit mindfulness into your daily life, you may enjoy trying one or more of my favorite practices, including…

    1. Alternate Nostril Breathing

    Hold your left nostril down with your left thumb and inhale through your right nostril. Then close your right nostril with your left index finger, so both are closed, and hold the breath. Release your left nostril only and exhale.

    With your right nostril still closed, inhale through your left. Now close your left nostril with your thumb, so both nostrils are closed, and hold the breath. Release your index finger from your right nostril and exhale.

    This is one set. Complete a minimum of five sets to harmonize the left and right hemispheres of your brain, calm your nervous system, and create a sense of relaxation and ease.

    2. The 100-Breaths Technique

    Close your eyes. Feel your back against your chair and your feet pressed firmly on the ground, then gently bring yourself into the present moment. Now start breathing through your nostrils and counting as you go, thinking “and” for every inhale, and the number for each exhale—inhale “and,” exhale “one”; inhale “and,” exhale “two.”

    Feel your belly rise with each inhalation and let the breaths slow as you count yourself into a greater sense of relaxation. After you reach 100, open your eyes, move your fingers and toes, and bow your head in gratitude for the mental space you created.

    3. Full Body Breath Scan

    Start by inhaling through your nose, expanding your stomach, and counting to five. As you breathe in, visualize soothing warm light filling your feet, and then exhale through your lips for a count of five, while visualizing yourself releasing any tension you may have been carrying there.

    Repeat this process for your ankles, your shins, your knees, and so on, all the way up to your head. After you finish scanning your entire body, you’ll likely feel lighter, calmer, and more at ease.

    4. Lip-Touching Breathing

    When aroused, your sympathetic nervous system puts you in a state of high alert—that sense of “fight-or-flight” panic that tells you there’s some sort of threat. Your parasympathetic nervous system, when aroused, produces the opposite feeling—a sense of relaxation and ease.

    In his book Buddha’s Brain, Rick Hanson suggests a few simple ways to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system—the simplest of which is to touch your lip with two fingers.

    The lips contain parasympathetic nerve fibers, making this is a simple approach to create a sense of calm that you can use anywhere, anytime. To reap the benefits, all you need to do is touch your lips, breathe slowly, and tell yourself, “I am safe.”

    5. Walking Meditation

    Though you can practice this any time you’re walking, you may want to find a peaceful place to stroll, in nature. If it’s safe to walk barefoot, this will give you a sense of being more connected to the earth.

    Stand with your spine straight, with your shoulders and arms relaxed, and take a few inhalations and exhalations to breathe in calming energy and breathe out tension.

    Now begin slowly moving forward and sync your breathing with your steps—right foot, inhale; left foot, exhale. Use all of your senses to fully experience where you are—the warm feeling of sun on your face, the soft sound of wind rustling leaves on trees. The goal is not to arrive at a destination; it’s simply to be present in the experience of walking.

    6. Meditative Shower

    It’s easy to let go of all other thoughts when you’re standing under a stream of water, set to the perfect temperature for you.

    Take this time to tune into your senses. Choose a soap you love so that the scent is intoxicating. Enjoy the sensation of the water on your skin, and feel it drip down your back, your calves, and your heels.

    Notice when you begin thinking about the day ahead (or behind you). Don’t judge the thoughts or yourself for having them. Instead, visualize them going down the drain and then bring your focus back to the experience of cleansing your body and mind.

    (I’ve included a detailed guide on this very topic, titled How to Make Your Shower Mindful, Blissful, and Rejuvenating, in my new Mindfulness Kit, which you can find here!)

    7. Chore Meditation

    Whether you’re vacuuming, dusting, or washing dishes, it can be your meditation if you immerse yourself completely in the activity.

    Washing dishes, for example, can be both satisfying and grounding. Feel the warm water on your hands; let yourself enjoy the experience of making something dirty clean again. Don’t think about finishing or what you’ll do when you’re done. Focus solely on the doing and see if you can find a sense of acceptance and presence in doing it slowly and well.

    8. Mindful Eating

    Instead of eating quickly with one eye on your food and the other on your iPhone, turn mealtime into meditation. It doesn’t take long to eat, so why not put everything aside and take this time for you? Your texts, emails, and social media pages will still be there when you’re done.

    Breathe deeply and try to identify the different nuances of scent in each item on your plate. When you’re eating, take deep breaths between each bite, and think about your meal like a foodie, appreciating the different flavors and textures.

    If you find your thoughts wandering to things you’ve done or have to do, bring your attention to the feeling of the fork in your hand. Then breathe deeply, take a bite, and focus on savoring the food in front of you.

    —

    You can incorporate any of these techniques into your day to begin to reap the benefits. And it really only takes five minutes, though you may be tempted to do more once you get started. Mindfulness just feels that good. In a world where it’s all too easy to get distracted and caught up in your thoughts and fears, there’s nothing quite as calming as a few moments of pure presence.

  • 14-Day Meditation Challenge: Put Down Your Phone and Be

    14-Day Meditation Challenge: Put Down Your Phone and Be

    EDITOR’S NOTE: You can find a number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related Tiny Buddha articles here.

    “Meditation is the ultimate mobile device; you can use it anywhere, anytime, unobtrusively.” ~Sharon Salzberg

    I came home from my doctor’s appointment last week and rambled off three to four different things that were happening in the world as a result of the coronavirus. By the fourth item my wife asked me to stop. She said please tell me something good.

    I told her that my doctor said my pathology report came back negative. That the procedure on my neck had removed all cancerous cells. (A very good thing!) We shared a hug and a smile, and then I was back on my phone looking to see if anything else had changed in the world.

    If you’re anything like me, you’ve been glued to your phone the past couple of weeks, mesmerized by what’s going on. I’ve been swiping right (to get to the news) thirty to forty times per day, probably more, and it’s been making me crazy.

    Many of us are now in isolation from a virus that is changing the world as we know it at incredible speed. That’s why I think it’s important to spend less time on our phones. 

    Yep, you heard me correct. Less time. Even if it’s just ten minutes less per day.

    Now more than ever it’s important to spend time doing something that’s grounded in reality rather than fear and panic. I’m not saying that what’s happening isn’t real, it’s very real, but a lot of us are getting over amplified by the ridiculous amount of information at our fingertips, and it’s taking us to a place of stress and anxiety.

    That’s why I want to challenge everyone to fourteen days of meditation. Because meditation is grounded in reality.

    It’s just breathing. Breathing in and out like the waves of the ocean.

    It’s you experiencing your thoughts for what they are—just thoughts—and then coming back to your breath. It’s you taking a break from the craziness of what’s going on and getting centered.

    I present this challenge to you gently because I know a lot of us have been affected in one way or another. Heck, I just found out that a job I was supposed to start today has been pushed back for a month and a half. That’s money that my family was counting on.

    I can get angry and I can scream and shout, but what good is that going to do me.? It is what it is. Instead, I can meditate. However scary it may be out there, we all have this beautiful opportunity to check in with ourselves and rise.

    I’m not saying don’t inform yourself, but at the same time you don’t need to be glued to your phone. We have to remember to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first. Then others. Hence this challenge.

    Take this time for you. Ten minutes a day.

    Put down your phone. Don’t swipe right and get sucked up into the news like I’ve been doing. Don’t turn on the TV and check out for an hour or two. Use this time, which we all have, to check in with yourself.

    And who knows? Fourteen days might lead to a long-term habit—one that will make you a better person and make those around you better.

    Imagine a world where all of us do this. Where we ground ourselves in reality, checking in with our bodies, and we breathe and let our bodies send safety messages to our minds rather than our minds hijacking our bodies with fear. This is the vision that kept me up most of last night.

    Meditate and let your body remind you that everything is okay. Breathe in and breathe out knowing that right here, right now, just for this moment, everything is okay.

    Remember, we are full organisms. Everything that we are thinking and think we are feeling has an associated physiological response. Sit with the knowing that despite whatever your mind is trying to tell you or whatever life stresses are coming your way you are completely safe in this moment right here in your body.

    I’ve never asked this before but I’m asking it now. Please send this on to someone you know or share it on social media. I believe this is important to all of us right now.

    Take this challenge. Give yourself this gift.

  • Become a Certified Meditation Teacher – Train with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach

    Become a Certified Meditation Teacher – Train with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach

    Hi friends!

    Since I know many of you are passionate about mindfulness and meditation and creating a more peaceful world, I’m excited to share that Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach are accepting applications for their next two-year Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certificate Program.

    Though it’s primarily an online learning experience—which means you can participate from anywhere in the world—you’ll have the option to attend two in-person, three-day workshops in the Washington, DC area. And for those who can’t attend, they’ll be livestreaming the sessions and will also make a replay available.

    Space is limited due to mentorship availability and the live events, and the last certification program sold out quickly, so if you’re interested, you may want to get your application in soon.

    In addition to sessions with special guest teachers including Eckart Tolle, Kristin Neff, Dan Siegel, and many others, the upcoming program brings you a complete curriculum that covers the transformational principles underlying meditation and an exploration of the interface of meditation with Western psychology and cutting-edge science.

    Through this in-depth, groundbreaking program, you will:

    • Learn how to teach meditation with tools for body, heart, mind, and community
    • Receive guidelines on how to establish classes and workshops
    • Gain skills that apply mindfulness and self-compassion to relationships, conflict, trauma, organizational wisdom, and societal change
    • Join a vibrant international community of mindfulness teachers around the world

    With successful completion of this teacher training program, you will receive a certificate from the Awareness Training Institute, and their partner, the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley. This credential will support you in establishing meditation classes, workshops, and trainings in communities, organizations, and institutions throughout the world.

    If you’re excited by the idea of making a living supporting others in their healing and personal growth, click here to learn more. Early admissions applications (for discounted tuition) are due March 23rd, and the program starts on February 18th, 2021.

  • Connecting to the Sacred in the Chaos of Everyday Life

    Connecting to the Sacred in the Chaos of Everyday Life

    “Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone—we find it with another.” ~Thomas Merton

    Seth: When Aria and I decided to devote a year to encouraging one another in our mindfulness practice, we couldn’t have known what those twelve months had in store.

    I had always enjoyed good health—“taken for granted good health” is more accurate—and suddenly I was faced with major health challenges of unknown origin. Countless trips to doctors and other professionals provided no explanation for my chronically low energy, nightly insomnia, digestive issues, vocal problems, and eventually a deep depression.

    In happier times two years earlier, I had attended Aria’s wedding in Northumberland, England. It was an incredible weekend—misty morning walks in a labyrinth, pounding rain on the roof of the old stone church during the exchange of vows, shared meals at a long wooden table in the long afternoon light. We both felt that our hearts were so open, and it was easy to focus our attention on what we truly cared about.

    The day after the ceremony we marveled together at the deep sense of connection we experienced throughout the weekend. It wasn’t entirely surprising, of course, given the circumstances and the explicit focus on love. But if it was possible then, why couldn’t we nurture that quality of presence and open-heartedness in our day-to-day lives?

    That shared question led us to our year-long collaboration in finding the sacred in everyday life. For a full calendar year we wrote to each other every day, urging one another to connect with what we held most dear. We took turns—Aria would send me a mindfulness practice one day, and I would send him one the next.

    Aria: During the year I had a surreal realization with profound clarity. Everything that mattered—everything that was truly important—was relational: my wife, our families, our dog, and our friends. These were the foundation stones of my happiness. Everything else—work, money, reputation— seemed like a game. They were fun, but they weren’t issues of life or death.

    Seth’s messages reminded me that sometimes we lose ourselves in the game. We become so immersed in the narrative we’re spinning that we forget it’s just a story. It’s like living in the Matrix. The game seems like it’s more important than everything else, as though it’s the center of our universe.

    Then, now and again we gain that beautiful, tender, precious thing called perspective and let out a sigh of relief. We breathe softly and deeply, connecting on a deeper level to ourselves and simultaneously to something even greater.

    At times, this perspective comes at a cost. The loss of a loved one or the pain of a reality that we don’t want to accept may force it upon us.

    The year that we wrote to one another was challenging in a myriad of ways, from working with children with terminal cancer, to nearby London terrorist attacks, to unexpected deaths. However, there were also highlights, one of which for me was running my first ultra-marathon in South Africa. Wherever we were in the world, and whatever was happening in our lives, waking up to a mindful message from Seth was deeply grounding and uplifting.

    Seth: Aria’s messages were a constant lifeline during the difficulties of that year, providing an opportunity at least daily to check my automatic reactions to difficulties and come back to center.

    I remember in particular walking home one evening after work, wiped out from the day and feeling like I had nothing to give my wife and kids once I got home. I dreaded subjecting my family to my low mood and to the person I’d become.

    As I struggled to walk up a gentle hill in the falling darkness, I remembered Aria’s encouragement that day—to focus on the qualities we want to embody in our interactions with others. I settled on love, joy, and strength, and realized the evening didn’t have to be a complete loss. It ended up being a positive time with the people I love, instead of the sad mess I’d feared.

    Aria: There was something particularly comforting about receiving a thoughtful note from someone who cares deeply about you. Knowing that another person is holding you in mind is profoundly powerful, especially when you’re struggling.

    Sometimes it’s difficult to feel the sunlight. We can see the sun shining, but the rays don’t seem to touch us. We know intellectually that we have much to be grateful for in life, but we can’t feel it.

    During these times, Seth helped me to appreciate that life is to be experienced rather than solved. There is no one way we should be feeling. Our moods ebb and flow, sometimes quickly, other times more slowly. All things change. Acknowledging this gave me the freedom to still act, just without expecting my behavior to change how I felt.

    We can all still take steps, but without tying our happiness to a “successful outcome.” We can return to the basic pillars of wellbeing: wholesome food, quality sleep, meditation, checking in with the present moment, and connecting to the people we love. We can nourish ourselves and let go of any expectations. We can remind ourselves that what will be will be, and at the same time, all will be well.

    Over the course of the twelve months writing to one another, our relationship grew and deepened. Knowing that a friend was depending on me was a big responsibility, but it also provided meaning in my own life.

    It wasn’t always easy: in the beginning I spent hours crafting the next email to Seth. At the end of a long or tough day, sitting down to write may have been one of the last things that my mind wanted to do. However, a little like doing exercise, I always felt better afterward. Ironically, serving someone else nourished my own mind and body. We gain something by giving. Writing to Seth connected me to what I value most: compassion, authenticity, and love.

    Seth: If you’ve craved greater connection to your core self and the people and things you care about, there are many possible avenues. Common approaches include prayer, reading sacred texts or a daily devotional book, and mindfulness practices like yoga or sitting meditation.

    Whatever approach you choose, consider partnering with someone you love for some period of time: a month, six months, a year, even longer. It could be a best friend, a spouse or partner, a sibling—someone you trust implicitly.

    Talk with your loved one about what each of you wants to focus on during the process. We had decided in advance on themes like presence, simplicity, and service. How would you like the other person to encourage you? What kinds of reminders will be most helpful to them?

    Decide together on a format for encouraging one another in your mindfulness practice. For example, you might send each other quotes that you find meaningful, reflections for the day, an invitation to apply mindful awareness in a specific area, or whatever you like. You could also consider doing sitting meditation together—a so-called “medidate.”

    Whatever you choose, allow it to nourish not only your individual and spiritual practice, but the quality of your connection to your loved one. Whatever joys and struggles you experience together, your relationship will never be the same.

  • How To Make Peace With Your Noisy Mind—7 Tips From An Ex-Monk

    How To Make Peace With Your Noisy Mind—7 Tips From An Ex-Monk

    “Leave your front door and your back door open. Let thoughts come and go. Just don’t serve them tea.” ~Shunryu Suzuki

    There are few things more exasperating in life than having a noisy chatterbox in residence between your ears—a busy mind that never stops and won’t leave you in peace for a moment.

    You are sitting by the pool on your long-awaited vacation.

    The weather is perfect. Your diary is clear. You settle down on your deckchair with an ice-cold drink and your favorite book.

    Everything is perfect—well, almost everything.

    The message “on vacation” clearly hasn’t got through to the mind department.

    “Man, that drink was expensive. Better suck your belly in, there’s someone coming. You are as white as a sheet. What on earth will people think? Okay, that’s it. I’m starting a diet on Monday. Oops, I forgot I’m on holiday. Okay, I’ll start when I get home.”

    Just writing about it is exhausting enough, let alone living it.

    Being subjected to a relentless torrent of mindless chatter and having no idea how to stop it can be exasperating to say the least.

    I know. It was the intense suffering inside my own head that led me to sign up for a six-month meditation retreat and later become ordained as a monk.

    Happily, I quickly discovered that quieting a noisy mind isn’t nearly as difficult as I’d imagined.

    Hint: You don’t even have to change or fix your thoughts.

    These days, although I still have my crazy moments when the mind shoots off on a mad rant, my general experience is so much quieter and more peaceful than it used to be.

    I’d love to share some (possibly surprising) truths that will hopefully help you achieve the same.

    Here are seven tips you can start applying right away.

    1. Accept that your mind is busy.

    Did you know that the average mind churns out around 70,000 thoughts per day? That’s a lot of thoughts.

    No wonder it feels so busy in there!

    Even people who are relatively laid back have a lot of traffic going on between their ears.

    So don’t be surprised that your mind is busy. Don’t create an additional layer of suffering by thinking there’s something wrong with you for having a ton of thoughts. There isn’t.

    Expecting your mind not to be busy is like expecting the grass not to be green.

    Let it be busy.

    2. Engaging with the mind is optional.

    If I were to choose one thing I learned about the mind in my time as a monk—the one thing that had the greatest impact on my peace, it would be this:

    Engaging with the mind is optional.

    It is not so much the thoughts themselves that cause us to suffer but our fascination and preoccupation with them.

    We spend our days chewing on them, wallowing in them, stewing in them, and generally giving them an inordinate amount of our time and attention.

    And we don’t need to.

    Want to know the secret to ongoing peace?

    The less you get involved in what the mind gets up to, the more peace you will experience.

    Sit back and let the mind do its dance. Your involvement is not mandatory.

    Which brings us to the next point.

    3. Watch your thoughts from a distance.

    In order to disentangle ourselves from our thoughts, we need to create some distance, some breathing space, between ourselves and the mind.

    Most of the thinking patterns that rob us of our peace run unconsciously on autopilot. The same old patterns play over and over, day in, day out—like broken records. And it is so habitual, we don’t even notice we are doing it.

    The key is to bring more awareness to these unconscious patterns.

    The first step when you learn to meditate is to take a step back and watch the mind objectively—with an attitude of curiosity and non-judgmental acceptance.

    You may also find that the simple act of watching thoughts, rather than being wrapped up in them, will stop thinking it in its tracks—or at least slow it down.

    4. Give your thoughts the freedom to come and go.

    If you want to tame an angry bull, the worst thing you can do is to tie him up or try to confine him in any way. This will only make him angrier and more difficult to control.

    The best way to calm him down is to give him a huge open field to run around in. Meeting with no resistance, he will quickly run out of steam.

    And it’s the same with the mind.

    Thoughts themselves don’t cause trouble. Left alone, they appear in your awareness, remain for a moment, and move on again.

    No problem.

    It is when we try to control or manage them—through labelling them as bad, wrong, or unacceptable—that we get into trouble and create suffering for ourselves.

    Let them wander freely through the vast, open field of your awareness and they will quickly run out of steam. Don’t energize them with your resistance.

    If thoughts are there anyway, it is much better to befriend them rather than struggle against them.

    What happens to a sad thought or an angry thought if you welcome it rather than reject it?

    What happens if you don’t mind it being there?

    5. Don’t take your thoughts personally.

    Seeing that ‘my’ thoughts are not personal was another game-changing insight for me.

    For most people, what typically happens is this:

    You feel jealous. You feel afraid. You feel angry. And you then beat yourself up, believing you are personally responsible for the thoughts (feelings and emotions too) that show up in your head—believing there’s something wrong with you for having these thoughts.

    There isn’t. You are not the author of your thoughts.

    If you watch the mind closely, you’ll notice that thoughts appear by themselves, apparently out of nowhere.

    In mindfulness training, we use the analogy of “the undercurrent and the observer” to illustrate our relationship with the mind.

    The key understanding is that the undercurrent—the continuous stream of thoughts, feelings and emotions that pass through your awareness—is self-arising.

    It is not within your control and therefore impersonal.

    What most people do is thrash about midstream, like a crazed thought traffic policeman, frantically trying to control the flow—welcoming this thought, rejecting that one.

    Trying to control the river is futile and exhausting.

    Better to be the observer, sitting calmly on the riverbank watching the river flow by—knowing it’s not personal.

    The less involved you are in trying to control the flow, the more peace you’ll experience.

    6. Know the difference between thoughts arising and thinking.

    Although there’s nothing you can do about the thoughts that show up in your head, thinking is another matter.

    Let’s say the thought appears, “My boss doesn’t like me.”

    It then triggers a dialogue in your head, “He’s definitely going to overlook me for the upcoming promotion. It is so unfair. I’ve been working here much longer than Jane. But he seems to like her a lot. Things never go my way. I’m just unlucky in life.”

    This type of unproductive thinking is the primary cause of suffering for most people—and it is entirely within our control whether we choose to indulge in it or not.

    Replaying the past over and over, catastrophising about the future, wallowing in unfounded beliefs and assumptions—these are some of the patterns that can create so much unnecessary misery.

    And it’s entirely avoidable.

    When you notice you’re caught up in an unproductive mind-movie, STOP.

    There is nothing that can compel you to continue if you choose not to.

    You’re the one in charge.

    Focus instead on being present in the moment. Put your attention on your breath, on the sensations in the soles of your feet, on the sound of the wind rustling through the trees.

    Unproductive thinking is mostly a habit. And like most habits, with a little awareness, it can be broken.

    7. Live more in the present moment.

    One of the main insights in meditation practice is that your awareness can only be in one place at a time.

    If you are lost in your thinking mind, you can’t simultaneously be aware of your surroundings. Likewise, when you shift your attention to the present moment, thinking stops.

    When you are present here and now, the mind automatically becomes quiet.

    Whenever you are aware enough to catch yourself falling into habitual thinking patterns, stop and engage your senses.

    Tune into the sensation of the air caressing your skin, feel the weight of your body coming into contact with the chair, listen to the sounds around you.

    Be intensely aware that now is happening and notice what happens to your thinking mind

    Take Back Control From Your Busy Mind

    The mind isn’t a bad thing of course. It would be pretty hard to get through life without one.

    It can come in very useful for problem solving, writing articles, booking flights, or remembering which house is yours when you get home from work.

    Used productively to carry out specific tasks, the human mind is an incredible tool.

    But it can also be deeply destructive—like an out of control Frankenstein monster with a life of its own.

    The mind can be a beautiful servant or a dangerous master.

    It all depends on who’s in charge.

    The next time you’re sitting on your deck chair trying to relax and the mind kicks off with its crazy dance (as it will do) remind it who’s boss.

    Don’t give it the power to ruin your holiday.

  • How the Past and the Future Can Rob You of the Present

    How the Past and the Future Can Rob You of the Present

    “Remember then: there is only one time that is important and it is now! The present moment is the only time when we have any power.” ~Tolstoy

    Stop for a second and tell me: What were you thinking about just now? Chances are very good that you were thinking about something either in the past or in the future.

    Of course, some of that thinking is necessary. For instance, we think about what we need to get at the store to make dinner tonight, or what we saw on the news yesterday to consider where we stand and what to do about it.

    Sometimes, thinking about the past or future is also a pleasure: remembering happy times or anticipating something exciting in the near future. But often—usually—we end up dwelling instead on things we can do nothing about, because the past and the future exist only in our heads.

    We allow our present moments to be filled with negative emotions caused by something that is not even happening right now—and may never happen!

    Caught in a mental sand trap of our own making, we miss out on real life—what is happening in front of us in this very moment.

    These are the thoughts that rob you of the present. They call up very distinctive emotions: usually regret, anger, and sadness (the past), or fear and dissatisfaction/longing (the future). Although we all indulge in both past and future thinking, I think most of us have a tendency to concentrate on one or the other.

    My tendency has usually been to focus on the future. I used to worry a lot, which is a technique many people use to try to control what is essentially uncontrollable—the future—by imagining all possible outcomes and how they might respond in each case.

    The extreme version of this future-based thinking is a crippling anxiety that robs the here and now of any possibility for joy. You can’t live your current life when all of your energy is spent worrying about what might happen in the future!

    We future-thinkers also tend to be obsessive planners and goal-setters. Rarely pausing to enjoy what we’ve achieved, we’re already focused on the next step in the plan. That (often unconscious) feeling of dissatisfaction with the present and the longing for something different can also take the form of daydreaming about the future.

    What we have right now is never enough—there’s always something “out there” in the future that’s missing, the magic ingredient that will finally make us really and truly happy.

    Unfortunately, that mythical something we’re chasing is a perpetually moving target that keeps us from experiencing and enjoying our actual lives as we live them.

    This came home to me once when I was living in a sweet little rental just blocks from the beach in Hawaii. Obsessed at the time with buying a house (which I couldn’t afford in Hawaii), I moved back to the mainland, only to later regret squandering that wonderful opportunity in favor of the next thing on my list.

    Focusing on the past, on the other hand, often keeps people stuck in a pattern of victimhood. We become prisoners of what has already happened to us, carrying our stories and experiences with us like a burden we can’t (or won’t) set down.

    Yes, they are a part of us. Yes, we can learn from them, use them, and legitimately own their impact on us. No, we don’t have to continually relive them in the present moment.

    This is a hard one. In the case of past physical and emotional trauma, the body actually carries a sensory imprint of the original event that, when triggered, can send a cascade of emotions from your past into the present moment. When that happens, you have no choice but to deal with those very real emotions in real time—but even then, you don’t have to get sucked back into the story. Try this instead:

    Acknowledge the emotions that were triggered, let them move through your body, and stay present. What is happening right now, in front of you? Can you feel your feet on the floor, or your back against a chair? Can you take a deep breath and tune in to any sounds or scents around you? Let your physical surroundings gently bring your body and mind back to the present. That’s the only moment when we have any power, remember?

    Most of the time, it’s not trauma reactions that keep us mired in the past. Usually, it’s just our stories. Stories about bad decisions we made. Stories about people who didn’t treat us well. Stories about things that happened to us. These are the thoughts that rob us of both the power and joy that can only be experienced in this moment.

    You can always recognize when you’re stuck in an unhelpful story by the emotions it stirs up—usually anger, sadness and/or regret.

    Most of our stories are very well rehearsed, because we’ve thought and spoken of them many, many times. Their familiarity gives us a sense of identity, and even a strange comfort.

    I think of how many times I told the story of my divorce, both to myself and to others, but I wasn’t able to finally heal and move on with my life until I stopped telling the story. I stopped letting it define who I was.

    The past and the future exist only in our minds. Focusing on them is a poor stand-in for really living, but for many of us it’s such a pervasive habit that we don’t even realize we’re doing it. This, right now, is the moment when life is actually happening to us, and if we don’t pay attention, it too will disappear into the unreality of the past.

  • 12 Habits to Adopt to Make This Your Best Year Yet

    12 Habits to Adopt to Make This Your Best Year Yet

    Many of us head into the New Year with big goals and ambitions. We think about everything that seems to be lacking in our lives and imagine ourselves far happier and more fulfilled on the other side of massive change.

    There’s no denying that certain accomplishments can amp up our life satisfaction, but I’ve found that our daily habits are the biggest contributor to our happiness.

    You can have a job that excites you, the best body of your life, and the perfect partner for you, but none of it will fully satisfy you if you don’t also prioritize the daily habits that nurture your overall well-being.

    If you want to feel good about yourself and your life, you need to regularly do the things that make you feel peaceful, joyful, and alive.

    With this in mind, I recently asked twelve Tiny Buddha contributors (all involved in our upcoming Best You, Best Life Bundle Sale) to share one habit worth adopting in the New Year. Here’s what they had to say:

     1. Start the day with positive intentions.

    “The moment I wake up, I do not move. I hold still for several minutes. I contemplate qualities I would like to offer for the day.

    Then I silently repeat the following affirmations:

    I offer this day peace.
    I offer this day joy.
    I offer this day enthusiasm.
    I offer this day kindness…
    (or whatever qualities I would like to offer on that day).

    And I keep going until I feel I am done.

    Some days are harder than others, especially if I wake up very early, still tired, with the prospect of a long day ahead.

    However, this simple, pithy practice sets the right tone. It fills me with gratitude and it firmly places me on the right track.

    From that point on, my day goes well, and everything aligns in the best and highest way possible, even if/as and when challenges arise.”

    ~Personal Growth Teacher Julie Hoyle (juliehoyle.org)

     2. Practice mindfulness.

     “For someone seeking a change in their life—to stop doing something destructive, to start doing something healthier, to become more confident, to step into the version of themselves they know they really are—the single best habit to cultivate is mindfulness.

    Mindfulness is the skill of paying attention on purpose to the present moment without judgment. This is the first step to change. It helps you recognize when you are doing the thing you want to change. It helps you understand when you are stuck. It helps you realize what you are really feeling and thinking.

    It gives you the starting point of your map. You can recognize what is really happening—’Oh look, I jumped to the worst-case scenario again. That made me feel afraid and uncomfortable. So that’s why I am looking for an excuse not to go to the party.’

    From here you are able to step outside those emotions of fear and discomfort and look at the situation objectively. From here, you can create change. You can challenge your thinking. You can reframe the situation. You can remind yourself of where you want to go. You can make a plan.

    We so easily live on autopilot. That’s not because we are lazy. It’s simply the more efficient way for our brains to operate.

    Create a habit, and you don’t have to think about what to do the next time that situation comes up. That frees up energy for your brain to do other things. But efficiency does not equal excellence. This autopilot way of living leads us to not notice what is really going on. Without mindful awareness, we get stuck in our feelings, we ruminate like a broken record, we keep making the same unhealthy choices over and over again.

    It’s a very simple skill—to be aware. But there hasn’t been a strong biological or evolutionary need to cultivate this skill in order to survive which is why most of us do not have this skill naturally. We need to work on it. We need to repeat it over and over until it becomes a habit. But it is so worthwhile.

    It’s actually a very subtle shift in your thinking, yet incredibly profound. Like standing under a waterfall, then taking one small step back out of the water and seeing the waterfall in front of you. Small step, big difference.”

    ~Stress and Anxiety Coach Sandra Wozniki (stressandanxietycoach.com)

    3. Adopt a meditation practice.

    “You know that feeling when you’ve been away from home for a while and then you finally walk in the door? It feels good, right? It’s hard to put into words, but something in your heart opens.

    Home is a place where we can open because we feel safe, warm, and held. It’s a place where we know we can always come back to, no matter how long we’ve been away. There’s a feeling of belonging.

    For me, meditation is like this. A returning home. As my mind begins to quiet, there’s an increasing sense of stillness that comes forward, and my heart responds. Stillness brings a sense of peace, clarity, stability, and a deep sense of connection and being held.

    As we move through this life, we all crave that feeling of home. A foundation. A sense of belonging somewhere.

    We often create a sense of home in the world, in a physical location, to recreate what’s fundamentally accessed through our heart.

    Returning to stillness is a returning home at its most essential level.

    In a world where we’re constantly bombarded by distractions, stimulation, dramas and conflict, it’s easy to forget what home feels like. Add to this a busy, emotionally reactive, and self-judging mind, and it’s easy to forget that a sense of home, peace, and warmth actually exists inside us.

    It does!

    Stillness is always there, in the background of our awareness, ready and waiting to support us, but our mind is usually too busy to notice it. And when there’s drama, turbulence or overwhelm in our life, stillness offers a very stable place to rest. But if we don’t train ourselves to know stillness, then when the drama and turbulence comes, stillness will be hard to find.

    Meditation helps us remember and build our relationship to stillness by getting us out of our head and into our heart. The more we visit stillness through meditation the more it permeates us, which means it’s more available for us in everyday life.

    So, when we’re in a stressful situation it’s a matter of letting stillness hold you.

    Does this mean it will work every time? Not necessarily. But with consistent practice you’ll change your relationship to the things that trigger and drain you, because you’ve chosen to cultivate a different, more important relationship. A relationship to stillness.

    And your heart is the bridge.”

    ~Meditation and Mindfulness Instructor Ben Fizell (peacekeeperproject.com)

    4. Use mantras as affirmations.

    “I’m a big fan of using mantras as affirmations. Sometimes life can feel as though it’s spinning out of control, and our minds can conjure up daunting scenarios that increase our stress levels and add to anxiety. A simple mantra can be super effective in helping to cut through the noise and bring us back to a single focal point.

    One of my favorite go-to mantras is ‘I am safe. I am loved. I am good enough.’ I say this at least three times, further affirming the words with each repetition.

    I recommend creating your own mantra using words that feel grounding for you. Keep it short—a sentence or two is plenty. Using affirming words (especially out loud) can create a healthy and empowering habit of self-awareness and self-care.”

    ~Author and Artist Skylar Liberty Rose (skylarlibertyrose.com)

    5. Play in nature.

    “How you play in nature is up to you. It might mean sitting in your yard, on a balcony, or even next to an open window and allowing yourself to revel in a tree’s stillness or a bird’s melody.

    It might mean adventuring to a new neck of the woods, or ambling down a familiar path while taking the time notice all the little things we usually miss in our hurry or preoccupation: the soft, green moss; the startling blue tail of a lizard half-hidden under a rock; or the curious expression of a wren that’s watching you from the bush next to the trail.

    Not only does playing in nature reduce stress and anxiety and improve overall health, but it can also help us find our way, both literally and figuratively.

    It’s like Rumi says: ‘Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.’

    We have so few chances in our everyday life to practice following our hearts, however, that most of us have forgotten how to do it. Wandering freely under the open sky, following our curiosity and desire, we learn how to let go of trying to arrive somewhere and discover the joy of simply taking the next step on our own unique path.

    When I began to reconnect with the natural world, I couldn’t help but rediscover my own human nature: my true self, that is; the gifts I have to give the world and where I fit into the ecosystem of life.

    Walking through the woods, I began to realize that just like every other living being on this planet, I have an important contribution to make; that when my mind finally grows quiet, I can hear a soft voice of wisdom telling me what that might be; and that if I listen to that voice, I too can—to borrow Mary Oliver’s phrase—take my place in the family of things.”

    ~Certified Integral Coach Meredith Walters (meredithwalters.com)

    6. Try habit stacking.

     “I highly recommend a self-care practice I call ‘habit stacking.’ This is taking several small habits and putting them all together in one time slot, i.e. first thing when you wake up.

    For instance, you might begin by doing a short meditation, which would lead to drinking a quart of water, followed by ten minutes of stretches, and then maybe preparing a green drink. Habits are motivated by triggers, so each activity stimulates the desire in your body for the next one.

    Do these regularly at the same time for a few weeks, and they will become engrained. Your habit stacks can work at any time, day or night, depending on when you want to create your own self-care zone.”

    ~Author and Speaker Suzanne Falter (suzannefalter.com)

    7. Connect with your body daily.

    “One habit worth adopting in the New Year is to start taking a few minutes every day to connect with your body. Pay attention to how it feels, to how you feel. Consider how you want to feel and what you can do to bridge the gap between the two if there is any.

    This is super powerful because we get so caught up in obsessive thoughts about all the things we think we’re ‘supposed’ to be doing for our bodies (and usually end up not doing) that we never stop to just connect with and listen to what it actually needs.

    This also works for mental health. If you wake up feeling down, angry, stressed, overwhelmed, (etc.), ask yourself, what does my head/heart/soul need today? Often, you’ll notice that you really just need a break. Give yourself that. Or maybe you need to find something that feeds your soul and gets you feeling passionate about something in life.

    Too often we end up going through the motions of life living in survival mode simply because we’re so busy staying busy that we don’t stop long enough to figure out what we need to feel vibrant, joyful, and fulfilled.

    If you struggle with healthy eating, take this one step farther by applying it to food. Take a second before you eat to ask yourself, how is it going to make me feel if I eat this? Do I want to feel that way? Why? This is a super powerful tool because it provides space between an auto-pilot impulse and the action that follows, to make a conscious choice based on what’s best for your body in that moment.

    The other reason it’s super powerful is because it helps you to start noticing if/when you’re purposely punishing yourself with food.

    If you go through those few quick questions and decide to purposefully eat something knowing it’s going to make you sick or to continue eating when you’re already full and know that eating more will make you sick, (and you don’t care), you’re punishing yourself with food. Beginning to recognize when that’s happening is the first step to learning how to change it.”

    ~Cognitive Behavior Coach Roni Davis (ronidavis.com)

    8. Practice breathwork.

    “One habit that I think could benefit many people is to incorporate some form of breathwork into their routine. That could be simple mindfulness meditation, box breathing, or some of the more advanced pranayama work in yoga—whatever works for you. From my experience, just a few minutes a day can have a profound impact on stress levels and your quality of life.

    Whether you’re looking to be a stronger athlete, to support your mental health, to be a more present partner or friend, or be more productive at work, I can’t really think of any areas in life that aren’t improved by adopting a regular breathwork practice.”

    ~Movement Coach Luke Jones (heromovement.net)

    9. Be selective about the news sources you tune into.

    “It’s admirable to want to stay informed about current affairs, especially in an election year, but carefully choose news sources you trust and even then, limit your exposure. There’s no value in feeling indignant for half your day, having arguments on social media that you can never win, or getting angry over events or with people you have no control over. All that achieves is that you hand over your personal power to others who are more than happy to take it.”

    ~Certified Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner Tim Brownson (adaringadventure.com)

    10. Add gratitude to your “sorry’s.”

    “I don’t just say, ‘I’m sorry.’ I also say, ‘Thank you.’ For example, instead of only saying, ‘I’m sorry I was late,’ I also say, ‘Thank you for waiting for me.’ And instead of merely saying, ‘I’m sorry I was sort of out of it the other day,’ I also say, ‘Thank you for being there for me both during good times—and my not so good times.’

    This subtle shift helps me to feel better about my human glitches. Plus, it also winds up improving my relationships—because I’m sharing my appreciation with people, and gratitude is a good heart connector.”

    ~Bestselling Author and Award-Winning Designer Karen Salmansohn (notsalmon.com)

    11. Talk to strangers.

    “One habit worth adopting in 2020 is talking to strangers. This is a habit I started picking up in 2010, and it has been the best change I’ve ever made in my life.

    Our relationships are probably the second most important determinant of our well-being, trailing only behind our health. All relationships and interactions—including the ones with strangers—play a massive impact on how much you enjoy each moment.

    By talking to strangers, you’ll improve your social skills, get better at connecting with people, and you’ll learn how to enjoy any moment with random people. When you’re able to go to a book club, a bar, or a work conference by yourself and have a good time, your life improves drastically.”

    ~Blogger Rob Riker (thesocialwinner.com)

    12. Get more and better sleep.

    “I have come to learn that the quality of our sleep dictates almost everything in our lives! It has an effect on our mental state, our physical health, our attitudes toward things, our relationships, and ultimately our success in each area of life.

    Sleep has taken a back seat in the world of healthy living with exercise and nutrition being in the spotlight. But all the evidence points to sleep being the foundation of our overall health.

    Science has shown that if we sleep poorly, we eat poorly and exercise poorly too. If we sleep well, we make better decisions, choose better foods, can exercise more effectively, and we can ultimately live a more rewarding, impact, and successful life. It has a domino effect.”

    ~Life and Performance Coach Brendan Baker (startofhappiness.com)

    —

    Do you already practice any of these habits? And are there any habits you’d add to the list?

  • The Simple Tools That Have Saved My Mental Health

    The Simple Tools That Have Saved My Mental Health

    “Think of the world…you carry within yourself and set it above everything that you notice about you. Your inmost happening is worth your whole love, that is what you must somehow work at, and not lose too much time and too much courage in explaining your attitude to people.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

    My twenties taught me many things about navigating the outside world as an adult. Ironically, the biggest lesson was learning to pay close attention to my inner world.

    I turned thirty years young this year. Being on the cusp of a new decade feels momentous.

    Over these last ten years, I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and a crippling lack of self-confidence. On more than one occasion, I have looked down the dark abyss that awaits anyone with mental health issues. I even underwent counseling and therapy, sought recourse in medication, opened up to friends, and plunged myself unapologetically into the “self-help” universe.

    As I share my own battle, this frankness and willingness to be vulnerable may come as a surprise to some. Even in the modern world, the stigma of mental health illness remains omnipresent. We are conditioned to just “deal with it as a passing phase,” “snap out of it,” or, “toughen up.”

    Men, especially, are forced into a unidimensional version of masculinity—any outward display of emotion is a weakness.

    We are indoctrinated with the notion that illnesses of the mind are illegitimate and unworthy of public discourse.

    Despite limiting beliefs around open conversation, very few are spared from mental illness in their private lives. Once others see a possibility for dialogue, they begin to share too.

    Showing your bleeding wounds to another human being requires courage. But authenticity is infectious. We might inspire others with our determination to remain vulnerable and ask for help. Over these last few months, several friends and acquaintances have shared their personal struggles with me.

    Every time another person tells me they feel overwhelmed by their brains, my heart breaks a little. Incessant dark thoughts and emotions have taken over their daily lives.

    The problem of mental ailments, like depression and anxiety, is that unshakeable feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. You feel that there is no way out and, no matter what happens, the bad feelings will never go away. This distorted version of the truth presented by our brains convinces us that we have no agency.

    I know that numbed, broken version of one’s self that emerges as a result of these illnesses. But things can get better and, sure, it is not instantaneous; recovery may require several approaches. Today, I want to share what I have learned through my own experience.

    Wisdom is nothing but the ability to offer a piece of yourself to another human being. I wish I could reach out to every person in the world who is suffering from a mental health problem. I want to tell you that there is hope, lurking even within the shadows. To summarize the common tools that have helped me feel better, I list three. And remember, none of these take time: they actually make time—better use of your time.

    1. Meditation

    A few years ago, I started meditating daily. It has changed my life. I started out with cynicism (like many people): How can I sit so still when I feel so empty and tired? How will I quieten my constant mental chatter? Don’t I first need to feel calm to even think about meditation? Does it even work?

    The response to all of the above questions and any others that are keeping you from meditation is: just do it and keep at it. Yes! You don’t need all the answers beforehand. You don’t need to be spiritual. You don’t need to join a retreat, become a yogi, or spend hours.

    You don’t need perfection, you need practice.

    Find a quiet place, close your eyes, put on earphones, and follow a guided meditation. Or if you prefer, do one yourself. And let go of the worry about doing it right, there is no such thing! It is time you take for yourself, and what can be better than making yourself a priority?

    Meditation helps refresh my mind-space amidst the darkest spells. It has brought me closer to my inner self. It has led me to observe my thoughts, not alter, judge, or arrest them—just observe them like traveling clouds. Meditation has taught me to look inward and enjoy the stillness in my core, despite all the worries and anxiety in the foreground.

    Honestly, just try it; you’ll find it addictive once you begin to build the muscle of meditation. Remember to stick with it though—meditating is a habit, a journey and not an intrinsic skill. No one is “made” for meditation, we all learn it. So be patient with yourself.

    2. Mindfulness

    Writer Eckhart Tolle talks about the tendency of our minds to forever escape the present moment. We are too much in the past or too much in the future. In his life-altering book The Power of Now, he says all our worries, fears, and anxieties stem from this predisposition. Mindfulness is the practice of grounding of one’s self in the now, in this moment: this breath, just as it is.

    Easier said than done? I agree! Also why I believe that, like meditation, mindful awareness is a practice, a discipline.

    That said, each one of us has experienced mindfulness presence without realizing it. Every time a sunset, a panorama, a movie, a song, or a loved one takes your breath away and you are suspended in bliss—you are mindfully present. You are nowhere else but in that moment of joy. Doing this even without the positive stimulus is the challenge.

    A key element in mindfulness is acceptance or surrender: not adding to the suffering of a moment by wishing it were otherwise.

    When we resist reality, our present life-situation, we unconsciously build up resistance to what is, the “is-ness” of this moment. And resistance isn’t bad—on the contrary, resistance is what we can use to become mindful and present! However, surrender does not mean inaction; it means accepting what exists as true before deciding if action is necessary. Reaction is impulsive, mindful action is deliberate and, in my case, wiser and calmer.

    Preventatively drawing my attention to the present, at regular intervals during the day, has helped me strengthen my awareness.

    Sometimes when I am walking, I quietly try to observe my physical body, my breath and my energy. My aliveness. Mindfulness means becoming the witness: noticing that you’re noticing. Thoughts will pop like bubble-wrap but if you don’t engage with them, don’t build a story or try to use words and labels, they will slide away.

    Focus on the sensations, the feelings you’re feeling; not the noise in your mind. The witness inside is the mindful, true Me. When I glimpse that dimension, free from mind and outer body, even for a split second, I know I am free and at peace.

    3. Self-love and gratitude

    Like many, I grew up with a brittle sense of self. Growing up I was the model student. Yet, in my teens and early twenties, I began to spiral into shame and self-hate. As I navigated different cultures, countries, languages, and expectations over the last decade, I often found myself feeling stuck. I felt inferior, unworthy, inadequate, different and “foreign.” Feeling like an outsider only reinforced my innate lack of self-esteem.

    I still struggle with those feelings of not being good enough, tall enough, smart enough, successful enough, handsome enough, rich enough, white enough, and the list goes on. I have to remind myself, consciously and repeatedly, that I am enough. No matter where I live, what I do or look like, I am complete and I am okay.

    Self-love might sound selfish and egotistic. But in fact, the most important person in your life is you! You need to be okay to help and love others. Self-love means being gentle to yourself, not insulting yourself when you fall or make mistakes.

    I had to learn to take care of myself as I would a close friend or loved one. It doesn’t come easy because we are raised in a culture where putting your own sense of self last is virtuous, a thing to be proud of.

    I believe we all need to learn to love ourselves, just the way we are. I would go so far as to say, that is the whole game. It’s a tricky one to win, but we ought to keep trying. Start simply: Check your thoughts when you pity yourself or put yourself down (yes, you know that negative self-talk where your brain tells you how slow/fat/ugly/poor/lonely/unloved/silly you are!).

    When we can look at ourselves in the mirror and feel genuine love for the person we see—true deep affection for our whole selves, with all the bad and good —that’s unconditional self-love. I told you, it won’t be easy, but it is rewarding. When you can be fully you, life is simpler.

    While self-care has taught me to appreciate myself, exactly as I am, daily gratitude has helped expand that compassion to a wider range of things. Every day I give thanks for being alive, healthy, able-bodied, young, loved, taken care of, with comforts (food, water, shelter, money), luxury, and freedom.

    Gratitude radically changes my perspective—from focusing on deprivation, on what’s missing, it throws light on what I do have. It can make us connected to reality in a more balanced and harmonious way. Gratitude, for myself or life, has helped me come unstuck when everything feels wretched and uphill.

    —

    Growing up is a process, life a constant journey. Along the way, these practices are helping me understand that I can feel better and be better. Ultimately, we all wish to experience joy and be at peace with ourselves. This is a reminder for me and you—to reach out and proactively work towards our own well-being. Talk and share with others. Stay open.

    Next time things aren’t going well, try to meditate or maybe focus on the present moment. Or give thanks for all that you do have and be kind to yourself. Speak to a friend or a specialist. And if it helps, read this again.

  • How to Avoid Emotional Burnout This Holiday Season

    How to Avoid Emotional Burnout This Holiday Season

    Whether you celebrate or not, the holiday season can be stressful for many reasons. From experiencing difficult emotions like grief, anger, or resentment that seem to resurface out or nowhere, to the pressures of making everything perfect for everyone, there’s a lot of opportunity for emotional burnout.

    I’m no stranger to painful emotions re-emerging around this time of the year. Christmas used to trigger in me the feelings of loneliness and guilt for years, following my move across the country and away from my family and friends.

    Moving was a conscious choice my husband and I made soon after we married. We were no strangers to uprooting our lives—we left behind most of our families, friends, and even parts of ourselves moving to America a decade earlier. But it’s one thing to do that when you’re single, and another when you’re growing as a new family and don’t have your parents and siblings supporting you through the thick and thin of building a life.

    One of the unintended consequences we had not considered was not being with our families around the holidays, birthdays, and other important moments in our lives. Once we had children, it was often impossible to travel home, and as much as we tried to make the best of it, holidays had an underpinning of sadness, isolation, and depression.

    The most painful for me was that our children had no grandparents, aunts, or cousins around throughout most of the year—and this pain was magnified around the holidays.

    In the early years especially, I felt an enormous amount of guilt for taking that feeling of community and familial support away from my children. The sadness was often crippling. I tried to put on a happy face for my babies, but inside I was often lonely and depressed.

    I also had to face the mounting sense of abandonment I felt every time my family couldn’t or wouldn’t spend the holidays with us. For many years I felt unsupported, unimportant, and unloved. This only brought my childhood experiences of feeling neglected and unseen to the surface. Eventually, I realized I had to heal my past in order to shift how I experience the present.

    Over the years I learned to step back from my pain and look at it differently. My perspective slowly shifted as I learned to set healthier boundaries, have more realistic goals and expectations, resolve my past traumas, reach out for support, and take care of my own needs. Mindfulness and the willingness to do the work is what made it all possible.

    1. Practice mindfulness.

    When things get hard, we must try to accept and allow what is happening in the moment—this is the core of mindfulness. Blinders off, we can learn to observe what is happening and ride the wave of our feelings around that.

    This is difficult work, so we tend to avoid it. We run in the other direction. We bury ourselves in work, get a drink to take the edge off, or turn our TV on to distract ourselves. We pretend we’re fine and we push through, thinking we’ve outsmarted our feelings. But the pain is still there, lingering, festering, ready to explode in the least opportune moment.

    It’s important to practice mindfulness during less tumultuous times and learn to observe our thoughts and feelings when things are relatively easy. Then, once we build our mindfulness muscle, we can practice bringing it into more difficult moments to ride them out.

    Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings—the more you resist the stronger they get. If you’re tend to get overwhelmed easily, plan ahead. Schedule time to feel bad, to rage, to cry, to talk to someone, to journal. Do it in a safe space and preferably with the support of a friend or a professional.

    The goal is to feel whatever feelings you’re holding onto and release that pressure in a mindful way, so it doesn’t come out inappropriately (or misdirected) around the holiday table.

    2. Validate your feelings.

    Allowing, accepting, and validating your feelings is vital to emotional well-being. Whether it’s guilt, anger, or grief you are feeling, they have their place and are all valid. Neither good nor bad, our feelings are messengers—they inform us as we go about our lives. And we need to listen in.

    Growing up in an invalidating environment, this was my weakest link. My feelings were never accepted, and I was often threatened to stop displaying them or I’d get in trouble. It was incredibly invalidating to have no one say, “I understand.” Instead, my displays of emotions were met with disdain, anger, and punishment. I learned to bury my feelings and disconnected from my emotional self.

    As an adult, I kept looking to other to validate me. This was frustrating, and often left me feeling rejected, lonely, and insecure. Eventually, I learned to listen to my feelings and acknowledge that it was okay to feel the way I felt, that I had a right to feel this way, and that it made perfect sense I felt the way I did given what happened. I learned to allow my feelings to just be.

    Let yourself feel and listen to what the feeling is trying to tell you. Maybe you need to apologize and repair a lost connection (guilt). Maybe it’s time to draw new boundaries to restore balance or protect your mental or physical well-being (anger). Maybe you need to accept that an important relationship failed and move on (grief).

    Our feelings are there to guide us, to help us make the most informed decisions. The better we listen the faster we learn and recover.

    3. Practice self-compassion and body-mind self-care.

    We tend to revert back to our pre-programmed patterns and behaviors around our nuclear family, replaying our childhood roles and falling into habits we thought we shed long time ago. Don’t beat yourself up when this happens—it’s natural and your awareness of it is the first step to changing it. And we can start by putting ourselves first, practicing self-compassion, and taking care of our needs.

    My programming was that of the perfect daughter/wife/mother who would bend over backwards to take care of everyone’s needs, to my own detriment. I neglected my own needs, both physically and emotionally. I planned elaborate menus, invited friends out of obligation, and tried to be everything for everyone: cheerful, helpful, supportive, forever patient and giving, saying “yes” to everyone but myself. It was physically and emotionally draining.

    Through reflection, and a lot of journaling, I realized I was on a path of self-destruction. My overfunctioning was harming me both physically and emotionally, and I had to do something different. The one thing that made a huge difference was learning to put myself first and set healthy boundaries in my relationships with others.

    It’s beautiful to have a giving personality and want to be there for others, but when we do that to our own detriment everyone suffers. Neglecting yourself is not a virtue. Everyone is responsible for their own feelings and needs—you can’t do this work for others. Your job is to take care of yourself, body, mind and heart. When you fill your own tank, you then can be there for others, but not before.

    Don’t neglect yourself. Take a long, soothing bath or shower, walk your dog, eat protein-rich breakfast, spend time in solitude, bake your favorite cookies, reconnect with yourself though journaling and meditation, practice gratitude, learn to say “no,” reach out for support, take a nap. Pay attention to what you need and respond with love and nurturance.

    And when you stumble, love yourself. When you make mistakes, talk too much, get sucked into family drama, lose your way—this is when it’s really important to love yourself anyway. Love your shadows and your imperfections remembering they once helped you survive. In time, you will transform them into strength, change, and growth.

    4. Tap into your resilience.

    You will be challenged around the holidays, that’s a given. Trust that you are strong enough to ride the waves of emotions mindfully. This shift in perspective will empower you to make better choices when faced with difficulty.

    Before I built my resilience toolbox, I would get emotionally reactive to something as simple as mean comments, bickering children, or people being late, simply because I was under a lot of stress (a lot of it self-imposed).

    With mindfulness, I learned to take a pause between trigger and my reaction. I watched as my body tensed, my heart started racing, and negative thoughts came rushing in. And I breathed through it, watching it change, and eventually pass. If it didn’t pass, I’d take some action to take me out of the situation and reset, like go for a walk. Or I’d ask myself, “What do I need right now?” and gave that to myself. Then, I could come back and respond, typically from a much calmer and supportive place.

    Chose to be kind to yourself when you’re struggling. Learn few coping strategies you can employ in time of need: embrace yourself when you feel like falling apart, take five extra deep breaths to reset your nervous system, step outside to catch some fresh air, put headphones on and play your favorite resilience song really loud (mine is “Unstoppable” by Sia).

    There are many things you can do to soothe your nervous system and strengthen your resilience muscle, practices that will help you explore, sort out, and process your emotions. Yoga, journaling, long walks, sitting in silence for five minutes every day, or dancing are all beneficial.

    The point is to pay attention to your inner world, recognize when you’re struggling, and give yourself what you need to recover.

    5. Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms.

    Temptations are always around—food, alcohol, binge-watching Netflix, scrolling social media, holiday shopping, etc. These are perfectly fine in moderation and often handy as a short-term break from the heaviness.

    But we must be mindful of when we try to distract and numb ourselves in order to escape, because that only prolongs our suffering and delays the healing process. When we numb, we avoid vulnerability—the core of meaningful human experience—and we never resolve and move past our issues. Engage in your life consciously, be open, and accept what is. No more escaping. Trust that you are strong enough to walk through the pain and come out the other side.

    —

    I used to feel like I had to survive the holidays somehow. I was perfecting and overfunctioning to counter the internal feelings of lacking, guilt and abandonment.

    It was most difficult when I was a new mom, didn’t have adequate support, and had unresolved feelings from childhood that were being triggered without my conscious awareness. These days, holidays are a mixture of joy and sadness, cherishing, and letting go, and I don’t get so easily overwhelmed by it all.

    I now focus on growth and health, on building my own family traditions, cherishing sweet memories, and enjoying the moment. I no longer wallow in self-pity and feeling like a victim of circumstances, and I no longer let negative thoughts and feelings take over my head and my heart. I stay mindful, and when I stumble, I remind myself that even though I’m imperfect, I am enough.

  • The Simple Changes That Reduced My Phone-Induced Anxiety

    The Simple Changes That Reduced My Phone-Induced Anxiety

    “Simple living doesn’t solve all my problems, it just removes distractions.” ~Melissa Camara Wilkins

    At times it’s felt like my phone was my only access to the outside world. A place to connect in the middle of the night. The means to stay in touch with friends and family on the other side of the globe. It was a lifeline.

    Until it wasn’t.

    Improved sleep, reduced stress, and a mindful relationship with technology—they were high on my wellness “should have achieved by now” list.

    I’m not sure which was bothering me more, the actual stress of not having a mindful relationship with technology or the fact that I had not been able to achieve a mindful relationship with my smartphone.

    It was a cycle in my mind I just couldn’t stop. And I was struggling. All the tips and current trends to “digital detox” were not making my life easier. In fact, they were making it much harder.

    Being unable to successfully follow advice for my health made me feel like a failure, especially as it was connected to my mental health. Did that mean I didn’t care about my well-being? Was I a fraud?

    My phone was disrupting my sleep and worsening my anxiety. But all it took was one small change to break my bad habits and create a new, more mindful relationship with technology.

    Where It All Began

    Growing up I was a self-proclaimed night owl. As a child and young adult, I stayed up late reading. In university I would study late into the night.

    As I got older, falling asleep was always a struggle. I decided I was a night person and would use that time to get ahead of my to-do list for the next day. I figured the more I got done the night before, the easier the next day would be.

    When my first child was born, I was introduced to the late-night social media scroll. I was up feeding the baby in the middle of the night, trying not to fall asleep in my chair. And it turned out there was something that would keep me awake and entertained, but not disrupt my son: the blue screen of my phone. I knew it wasn’t ideal, but the thing is, it worked.

    Even after the late-night feedings ended, the screen still kept me awake. I would go to bed with the intention of reading a downloaded book or an article on my phone. It was so convenient to have all in one place!

    But inevitably a notification would distract me. An email. Or an update on social media. A message from my parents.

    To this day I’m a bit ashamed to admit I was guilty of not turning off my work email notifications, even though I was on maternity leave!

    What’s funny in hindsight is that at the time, those notifications annoyed me. It bothered me that I was still getting work emails. But I didn’t turn them off.

    I wondered who would send me a message in the middle of the night. I would check, knowing it was likely from someone in a different time zone, not expecting me to check my messages until the morning. But I looked anyway.

    I found myself often unable to sleep. Remembering the advice I’d received to “get up and do something different” if sleep didn’t come, I figured I’d found a solution: I could take a break from trying to sleep without leaving my bed, by using the endless options available on my phone. Located conveniently next to my bed, charging.

    And there I would be, hours later. Still awake, exhausted, and unable to fall asleep.

    I Needed to Make a Change

    I knew I needed to make a change. The demands of working and having young children were starting to make an impact on my health. I was tired, and not getting the sleep I needed.

    I decided that if my phone was keeping me up, and I was pretty sure it was, then I’d remove it from my room. That’s what the influencers and thought leaders were recommending! Or so it appeared as I researched the topic on my phone, late at night, in bed!

    The irony is not lost on me.

    My Mistake Was Following Influencer Advice

    On the very first night I failed. My son woke up, and I scrambled to find what time it was, but my phone wasn’t next to my bed. I crashed into several things trying to get to his room in the dark because my flashlight was an app on my phone. While this was happening, my son woke up my daughter.

    Insert several curse words that my children probably didn’t need to hear.

    By the time I got them both back to sleep, I was very much awake, alert, and a bit annoyed. Mostly at myself. What was I thinking? Why was I trying to follow this ridiculous Internet advice?

    And then I turned on myself.

    Why couldn’t I follow this ridiculous Internet advice? If it was working for everyone else, why couldn’t I do it? Was I just generally failing at adulting?

    Heading back to bed, the annoyance shifted into worry.

    Would I wake up with my phone alarm in the other room? What if I didn’t wake up to get everyone where they needed to go on time in the morning? Would I hear my alarm from the other room? Wait, the alarm won’t work, the phone’s off!

    Logically, I knew I was being a bit silly. I would get used to having my phone in another room.

    But I was tired. And time poor. And so frustrated. I wanted simplicity, and this was making my life more complicated.

    Why Did I Have So Much Resistance?

    Reading this, you might be thinking, “You could have just…” And yes, you’re right. I could have done several things differently. I could have made it work, having my phone overnight in another room.

    But here’s the thing: For changes to stick, I needed to start by making my situation easier, not harder. Sustainable change was what I was looking for.

    So, the first step couldn’t be too big or too hard. I was making the common mistake of trying to jump from one extreme to another. If I’m already tired, and my goal is to be less tired, then the first step has got to help with that.

    If the barriers are too many, if it’s just too hard, then there will be too much resistance. Then I’m probably not going to stick to it.

    There was a second reason I was not comfortable with having my phone off and in another room at night: We don’t have a landline, which is pretty common here in Australia. My family lives overseas. I want them to be able to reach me. At crazy hours if necessary.

    A solution that involves them not being able to do so will not help me sleep. Not at all.

    At the same time, I agree with the arguments for having digital devices out of the bedroom. And I did feel the phone was impacting my ability to fall and stay asleep. Was there an alternative?

    Sometimes being “best practice” doesn’t mean it’s going to fit into every person’s lifestyle. Nor should it. A healthy lifestyle is about finding the right fit and sticking to it.

    I needed to find an alternative. And I did.

    Focus on the Desired Outcome, Not the Popular Steps to Get There

    Instead of focusing on the rule, or the advice, I decided I needed to be realistic. Forget what the influencers were saying!

    What really was my problem? It wasn’t about the phone. What was I trying to achieve? Less stress and more energy, which meant I needed better sleep. And fewer distractions and interference from digital devices. Including my phone.

    Keeping that in mind, the rules didn’t matter as much. Rules that put me into a success v. failure mindset.

    Focusing on the outcome, or the goal, I didn’t have to engage with rules. Like where specifically the phone needed to be. Instead, I could address the changes I needed to get me where I wanted to be.

    To get there, I needed to change my habits and how I interacted with my phone at night. To get better sleep.

    Once I started thinking about it that way, everything became a lot simpler.

    The Change That Worked Was the One I Could Commit To

    Instead of turning off my phone or putting it in another room, I did something else. I turned it back into a phone, every night. A phone with no Internet access! And a blue light filter set to a timer, which now comes built into many mobile devices.

    Every night at 8:00pm, regardless of where I was or what I was doing, my screen changed to night mode to lessen the blue light interference.

    I considered putting my phone into flight mode. And if this is a possibility for others, I highly recommend it. Flight mode allows access to many frequently used features.

    But it does create the potential issue of completely barring communication. That didn’t work for me, so I made an adjustment. Instead of flight mode, I turned off the WiFi and data instead. A two-click solution.

    And it worked.

    For me, I find the best solutions when I’m realistic about where I’m at. If the barriers are too great, even if they’re perceived barriers, change probably isn’t going to happen. And even if it does, it’s probably not going to stick.

    What can I do instead? Focus on the goal. Create a series of low barrier changes guiding toward that goal. For me, this is the answer to sustainable lifestyle changes.

    The First Step Improved My Sleep, the Second Was for My Mental Health

    Every morning I wait an hour from when I wake up before I reconnect my digital devices. I don’t turn back on WiFi or data for at least an hour. Every morning.

    When I implemented my original habit I found that some days, I forgot to turn the data and WiFi back on. Those mornings were wonderful! I was more present with my children, and I was significantly less stressed about what I had on my to-do list.

    And when I did reconnect, it was my choice. The notifications started rolling in, and it didn’t bother me. Emails didn’t get me feeling overwhelmed. I stopped falling victim to “compareitis” while scrolling social media. My phone stopped impacting my mood.

    At first, I didn’t understand the connection.

    But on the days when I woke up and immediately reconnected, it was the opposite. I was inundated with notifications. And, I usually checked them. It was overwhelming, and I was only barely awake. It made me stressed before I even got out of bed, and it set the tone for my entire day.

    It was hard for me to accept, but my mood was influenced by notifications and what I saw social media. This bothered me because I felt like I should be better than that. As if just by knowing that it could be a negative influence, I should have been able to rise above it.

    Why Does My Morning Habit Matter?

    First thing in the morning I’m a lot less resilient. I’m more likely to react emotionally to what I see, hear, and read. And my early morning choices can set my mindset and mood for the rest of the day.

    So basically, my mood was being set by whatever popped up first on my social media feed. Or whatever was at the top of my inbox. By doing turning to technology immediately, I was handing control of my mood over to my phone.

    By delaying my digital start to the day, I found I was more mindful. And completely in control—of what I did first, what I saw, and how I reacted. I had taken control back of my mindset and how I would approach the day. I stopped allowing my mood to be dictated by whatever happened to pop up first on my mobile phone.

    The Lesson I Learned Was Simple but Powerful

    There are three key actions that help me be more mindful of my relationship with my phone and digital technology.

    My reality is that I don’t want to simply discard my smartphone. It makes my life simpler and allows me to spend more time doing things that matter. But only if I keep my relationship with it balanced in a way that suits me and my lifestyle.

    While I might not always be able to do them all, these are still my goals. In addition to improving my sleep, this strategy had improved my mood and mindset.

    My Top Three Tips for a More Mindful Relationship with Your Phone

    1. Disconnect your phone from the Internet at night, using flight mode or turning off the WiFi and data.
    2. Keep your phone disconnected from the Internet for at least an hour in the morning.
    3. Disconnect periodically during the day when you want to be present and mindfully engaged in an activity.

    The biggest thing I learned is to worry less about the tools and rules, and more about what works for me. The best changes are the ones you can stick to because they’re the only ones that will become habits. Once something becomes a habit, it doesn’t require much thought to keep doing it. There are many different paths to reach the same outcome. Find yours and follow it.

  • 4 Simple Habits That Can Soothe Your Anxious Mind

    4 Simple Habits That Can Soothe Your Anxious Mind

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    There is so much noise and overwhelm these days it’s almost impossible to not feel crippling anxiety on a regular basis.

    With a march of commitments, appointments, and obligations that never seem to end, we’re a nation of chronically stressed and overwhelmed.

    We often spend our lives in a rush, running on autopilot, completing task after task until we finally collapse into bed utterly exhausted. Amidst the noise and demands our minds are scattered, in a perpetual state of thinking, planning, regretting, and worrying.

    Hence the anxiety—a normal response considering how little time we spend in our bodies, grounded, connected, and still.

    I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. My sensitive nature and rough childhood undoubtedly shaped me. Chronic fear and anxiety manifested as perfectionism, people-pleasing, and perpetual shame. I didn’t feel that I belonged with my family, friends, or the world.

    I learned to treat myself just as badly as others did. I was my worst critic and abuser. I felt broken, unable to navigate these huge feelings of fear and shame on my own. Surrounded by negativity, aggression, and chaos, I closed my heart and disconnected from myself.

    Motherhood cracked me back open with a force I was not ready for. I wanted to give my children the kind of love and safety I was deprived of as a child, but the stress of raising three little kids was overwhelming, and anxiety kicked in full force. It took me years to recalibrate my mind, reconnect with myself, and find my footing again.

    There’s a gentle way out of habitual stress and overwhelm, but it requires our full presence and attention, and developing new habits that will help us heal and change.

    With practice, we can transform our lives through small, incremental changes that can shift our lives away from chronic stress and anxiety toward a more adaptable and peaceful way of living.

    While we have little control over most things in life, certain things we do have control over, and that’s what we need to focus on.

    There are many body-based ways we can control our stress and reduce cortisol levels, like cutting down on caffeine, alcohol, sugar, and refined carbs, and getting quality sleep and exercise. But those alone will not shift you out of anxiety. You have to tackle what goes on in your mind as well. Here’s how.

    1. Carve out time for stillness and flow.

    To counteract our incredibly fast pace of living, we must carve out time in our busy schedules to slow down and immerse ourselves in activities that give us moments of flow, peace, and space.

    Our days are filled with noise and events that require our constant attention. Therefore, we have to be deliberate in setting aside time for stillness, nature, and creativity, time for things that nourish and replenish us.

    I reconnect with stillness and flow through yoga, art, and nature. Whether holding a pose, drawing, or walking through the woods, I find the silence and slow pace soothing and comforting. I forget all my troubles and find bliss in the sensations I get to experience: the sounds, the smells, the beauty around me.

    It’s like my existence is temporarily suspended as I immerse myself in an act of awe, wonder, or creation. It’s incredibly rewarding and relaxing.

    Create daily rituals that purposely slow you down and shift your attention inward. Incorporate those moments in your self-care routine. Unplug from the busyness and give yourself the luxury of solitude and stillness.

    Plan some alone time every day, if only for fifteen minutes. Spend this time on your own—in your garden, on a mat, in bed—and bask in the space and joy of solitude and silence. Reignite your inner sacred space and nourish yourself in a new, rewarding way.

    2. Befriend your mind.

    We spend most of our day on autopilot, and that’s by design. At the same time, if we don’t pay attention to where our mind goes and what it does, we’re just allowing habitual thoughts and behaviors to lead our lives, for better of worse.

    I used to be quite oblivious to what was happening inside my head. This lack of deep self-awareness was alienating and affected every aspect of my life, especially my relationships.

    For example, having never learned how to handle conflict constructively, I would mindlessly react from pain and shame (yell, shut down, get defensive or overly emotional), which only distanced me from others and perpetuated problems.

    Feeling guilty and ashamed, I’d then ruminate on unresolved conflicts and past hurts, fueling my anxiety and making me feel depressed, helpless, and unable to move past them. Still, I didn’t understand why everything seemed to always work against me, and why I struggled so much relating to others despite succeeding in school and at work.

    Eventually, I realized that living in a perpetual state of worrying about the future while resenting what had happened to me in the past was self-destructive and harmful to others as well. Living in my head was perpetuating my own anxiety and slowly destroying my life. So, I finally decided to try mindfulness in order to find some peace and learn to live differently.

    Mindfulness brought clarity and pushed my unconscious beliefs and patterns to the surface. I now saw how having grown up around chronic anger, chaos, and pain and without much love and support led me to internalize a lot of shame, fear, and distrust. And that’s what was quietly in charge of my life—until now!

    With mindfulness, I learned to observe my thoughts and where they lead me, see where I self-destruct and work against my values and goals. And instead of judging myself harshly for my weaknesses and failures, mindfulness taught me to take ownership of my actions, and my life; that I have a choice to do things differently; that I’m not damaged, I just don’t have the skills—yet. In time, mindfulness broke the shame, pain, and anxiety spiral I was in, and allowed recovery.

    Mindfulness is empowering; it’s the opposite of anxiety. Instead of worrying and frantically trying to control our environment, it teaches us to be open, slow down, and observe what is happening within us and around us, and to respond authentically instead of reacting habitually out of shame or fear.

    This deepened awareness allows us to fully experience the world in all its richness. Slowly, we awaken to life’s small pleasures, dropping chronic worry and endless distractions from taking over our lives. We develop the freedom to think and act differently, build new habits, deal with difficult emotions, overcome our struggles, and learn to flow with life as it unfolds.

    3. Practice grateful living.

    Our minds are biased toward negativity, and we habitually focus on problems giving them much more attention than is necessary, inducing anxiety in the process. If left unchecked this can put a negative spin on our day, keeping us in a perpetual state of chronic stress and worry.

    The good news is that this bias is not set in stone. We can shift it by bringing our attention to the positive things, the little things that spark joy and bring light into our day, moments that we’d otherwise missed amidst our stress and overwhelm.

    Gratitude is about being and celebrating the present, but in order to do that you need to be honest and aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When you slow down to do this, you begin to include everything in your life, the good and the bad, the ups and downs, equally. In time, a gratitude practice can shift your perspective on life. You realize there’s much beauty and joy in it, in spite of all the difficulties.

    I am a huge fan of keeping a gratitude journal. In fact, this is how my own journey of healing started. Gratitude was like medicine for my anxious mind.

    You can buy a journal specifically for this use. Use colored pens and decorate it to make it beautiful so that you feel good when you open it. Write three to five things each day that you are thankful for.

    When did you feel a moment of peace? What brought a smile to your face? What moments of kindness or beauty have you experienced? Immerse yourself in those moments—bring them fully to life again in your mind.

    The more time you spend reflecting back on things that brought you joy throughout the day, the more time you spend keeping alive those connections that give you the feeling of calm, peace, and wonder. This will train your mind to focus on the good, and keep you away from fear.

    4. Reconnect with yourself.

    A big part of what fueled my anxiety was the feeling of being lost in a sea of errands, work responsibilities, and family obligations. Always on the go, I never slowed down long enough to notice how I felt, what I wanted, or what I needed in a given moment.

    Raised to be helpful and anticipate others’ needs—as our patriarchal systems demands—I had lost touch with my own desires and my core self.

    Change can be hard, especially if we don’t have a strong sense of self. That’s why it’s important to reconnect with your deep inner essence, whether through journaling, meditation, play, or therapy. I tried many modalities, and I found writing to be the therapeutic tool I needed to reconnect with my innermost self.

    Journaling allows us to build an intimate relationship with ourselves, and connect with our inner world in an authentic way. We gradually deepen our understanding of ourselves and our experience as we connect with our deep needs, desires, fears and hang-ups. Through journaling, we can reconnect with our inner strength and courage to overcome our obstacles, strengthen our resilience, and regain our power over how we experience and respond to life.

    Once I reconnected with my inner essence—my inner child—I wanted to do everything to protect and nurture her, and give her everything she wanted but never received as a child.

    For example, I offered myself compassion when I failed or felt hurt instead of just pushing through the discomfort and repressing my pain. I wrote in my journal about things that bothered or confused me instead of stuffing it down. I took breaks before getting overwhelmed. I made time to be alone and do things I love—reading, dancing, drawing, bubble baths.

    This was like self-parenting and it was all about nurturing and love, something I felt was lacking in my own childhood. And it gave me the strength and motivation to show up for myself when things got hard. It empowered me to keep going and improved my ability to make lasting changes in areas that mattered to me most.

    —

    The above strategies may sound simple, but when you start putting these small habits together, the body and mind respond.

    Stillness is like a balm that calms our frazzled soul. Mindfulness allows us to slow down and better respond to anxiety-inducing challenges we so often face. Gratitude gives us perspective, and self-awareness helps us recognize and understand our emotions, and that builds strength and resilience.

    Combined, those habits can greatly reduce your daily stress and anxiety. And as you are nourishing and supporting yourself daily, you allow healing to take place.

    This takes practice. Healing requires us to have patience, to slow the pace down and to be with what is. We need to trust ourselves knowing that we are growing our capabilities and making the changes that we can at the time, and when we’re ready to do more, we’ll go deeper.

    Whether anxiety is something you’ve developed in recent years or you’ve lived with it your whole life, these four practices can have a soothing effect on your body and mind, and can shift you from perpetual state of stress and overwhelm into a more peaceful way of living.