Tag: joy

10 Happiness Tips for People Who Have Been Hurt

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~Unknown

Maybe someone hurt you physically or emotionally. Maybe you’ve survived something else traumatic—a natural disaster, a fire, an armed robbery. Or maybe you’ve just come out of a trying situation, and though you know you’ll eventually recover, you still feel pain that seems unbearable.

Whatever the case may be, you’ve been scarred and you carry it with you through many of your days.

Most of us can relate on some level to that feeling. Even people who excel at taking personal responsibility have at least one story of having been hurt. Though some of us have endured more serious situations, you really can’t quantify or compare emotional pain.

To a teenager who just had her heart broken, the pain really seems like the end of the world. In fact, Livestrong estimates that every 100 minutes, a teenager takes their life—and that the number of suicides in high-income families is the same as in poor families.

Presumably, not all of those teens have suffered incomprehensible tragedies. What they have in common is pain, born from different adversities and circumstances.

When you’re hurting some people might tell you to “let it go,” as if that’s a valid solution. They may say “it’s all in your head” and assume that reasons away the pain. But none of that will help you heal and find happiness from moment to moment.

Like everyone, I’ve been hurt, in both profound and trivial ways. I’ve had to to acknowledge my feelings, process them, and then find ways to work through them so I could let go and move on. Here’s what helped me do just that.

1. Define your pain.

It’s not always easy to identify and understand what’s hurting you. Some people even stay in abusive relationships because it’s safer than acknowledging their many layers of pain: the low self-esteem that convinces them they deserve abuse, the shame over being treated with such cruelty, and the feeling of desperation that convinces them there’s no real way out.

The first step toward finding happiness after having been hurt is to understand why you were hurt, to get to the root of everything that makes the memories hard.

2. Feel and express that pain.

There’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to communicate how you feel to the person who hurt you, and if you can, there’s no guarantee they’ll respond how you want them to. Say what you need to say anyway. Write in your journal. Write a letter and burn it. Get it all out.

This will help you understand why you’re hurting and what you’ll do in the future to avoid similar pain, so you can feel empowered instead of victimized.

Research has actually proven that people who focus on lessons learned while journaling find the experience more helpful than people who don’t.

3. Try to stay in the present.

Reliving the past can be addictive. It gives you the opportunity to do it again and respond differently—to fight back instead of submitting, to speak your mind instead of silencing yourself. It also allows you to possibly understand better. What happened? Where did you go wrong? What should you have done?

Regardless of what you think you should have done, you can’t do it now. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, you may need professional help to avoid revisiting the incident. If you don’t, you need sustained effort. Fight the urge to relive the pain over and over. You can’t go back and find happiness there. You can only experience that now.

4. Stop rehashing the story.

Sometimes we tell a sad story over and over again as a way to avoid moving on from the past.

It may seem like another way to understand what happened, or maybe it feels helpful to hear someone say you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t deserve to hurt. And it’s okay if you need that for a while.

But if you do this for years it keeps you stuck living your life around a memory and giving it power to control you.

No amount of reassurance will change what happened. You can’t find happiness by holding onto a painful story and letting it control your life. You can only find happiness when you let it go and make room for something better.

If telling your story empowers you and helps other people, then by all means share! Only you know where you are mentally and emotionally and whether telling your story is hurting or helping you.

5. Forgive yourself.

Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong but you blame yourself. Or maybe you played a role in creating your current situation. Regardless of what happened, you need to realize that what you did is not who you are. And even if you feel immense regret, you deserve to start today without carrying that weight. You deserve a break.

You can either punish yourself and submit to misery, or forgive yourself and create the possibility of happiness. It comes down to whether you decide to dwell or move on. Which do you choose: anger with yourself and prolonged pain, or forgiveness and the potential for peace?

6. Stop playing the blame/victim game.

Maybe you were a victim. Maybe someone did horrible things to you, or you fell into an unfortunate set of circumstances through no fault of your own. It still doesn’t serve you to sit around feeling bad for yourself, blaming other people. In fact, it only holds you back. You can’t feel good if you use this moment to feel bad about another person’s actions.

The only way to experience happiness is to take responsibility for creating it, whether other people made it easy for you or not. You’re not responsible for what happened to you in the past but you’re responsible for your attitude now. Why let someone who hurt you in the past have power over your present?

7. Don’t let the pain become your identity.

If everything you do and all your relationships center around something that hurt you, it will be harder to move on. You may even come to appreciate what that identity gives you: attention, the illusion of understanding, or the warmth of compassion, for example.

You have to consider the possibility there’s a greater sense of happiness in completely releasing your story. That you’d feel better than you can even imagine if you’d stop letting your pain define you. You can have a sad story in your past without building your present around it.

8. Reconnect with who you were before the pain.

It’s not easy to release a pain identity, particularly if you’ve carried it around for a long time. It may help to remember who you were before that experience—or to consider who you might have become if it hadn’t happened.You can still be that person, someone who doesn’t feel bitter or angry so frequently.

If you want to feel peaceful and happy, start by identifying what that looks like—what you think about, what you do, how you interact with people. Odds are this process will remind you both how you want to be and how you don’t want to be.

9. Focus on things that bring you joy in the moment.

You don’t have to focus on completely letting go of your pain forever; you just have to make room for joy right now. Start simple. What’s something you can enjoy in this moment, regardless of what pain you’ve experienced? Would sitting in the sun bring you joy? Would calling your sister bring you joy?

Don’t think about the totality of the rest of your days. That’s a massive burden to carry—haven’t you hurt enough? Just focus on now, and allow yourself a little peace. You’ll be surprised how easily “nows” can add up when you focus on them as they come.

10. Share that joy with other people.

We often isolate ourselves when we’re hurting because it feels safer than showing people our vulnerability. What we fail to realize is that we don’t have to feel vulnerable all the time. We can choose certain people for support, and then allow ourselves time with others without involving our painful stories.

You can share a meal, a movie, a moment and give yourself a break from your anger or sadness. You don’t have to carry it through every moment of your day. Don’t worry—if you feel you need to remember it, you’ll still be able to recall it later. But as you allow yourself pockets of peace, shared with people you love, you may find you need that story a lot less.

***

To be clear, you have a right to feel whatever you feel. And you don’t have to rush through your sadness or anger. We all need time to process our feelings. But there comes a time when we need to consciously choose to heal, let go, and move on. It’s a process, and it won’t be easy. But you deserve it.

Everyone deserves to feel happy. Everyone deserves a little peace. One more thing we all have in common: we can only provide those things for ourselves.

Photo here.

**This post has been expanded to clarify a few crucial points.

March 26, 2013
Getting to the Root of Pain to Work Through It and Be Happy

“The secret of joy is the mastery of pain” ~Anais Nin

I come from a family of runners. They run from pain, emotions, and uncomfortable feelings.

My mom was 17 when she moved to Texas to get away from her overbearing mother. She couldn’t deal with the pain of never being enough for her parents or herself. She left her parents, extended family, and friends behind in Mississippi without a second glance.

A recovering anorexic, she was looking for something, anything that would ease the pain and prove she was okay.

My father arrived in Texas in his 40s, after leaving his home country of Chile to sail the world. He was looking for something better, something bigger, something to make him feel complete.

When my parents met, my mom was 17 and my dad was 42. It was far from a match made in heaven, but somehow they ended up with their first child within a year—my brother. A year later I was born to an already overstressed mother with no family support system.

From as far back as I can remember, I knew something wasn’t right. I have always been a sensitive person, and I could feel the stress and anger my mom held within even as a toddler.

I didn’t understand these emotions, even though I knew they were there. I assumed, as most children do, that these emotions were directed at me. I decided I had to make things right, because I had obviously done something wrong.

My mom was prone to spontaneous outbursts of anger, so I made it my mission to make her happy. I did everything and anything I could for her and my dad. I knew when I showed emotions it would upset my parents, so I learned to hold my own feelings in.

I taught myself that I was unworthy and flawed, and that I should be happy that my parents took care of me.

Eventually, the pressure I put on myself became too much. Every time my parents fought, I blamed myself for not pleasing them, for not doing enough to make them happy. (more…)

March 20, 2013
How to Stop Betting Against Yourself: 7 Keys for Personal Freedom
“Nothing reduces the odds against you like ignoring them.” ~Robert Brault

Do you ever wake up feeling like you’re battling yourself?

What’s worse is waking up in that battle and feeling like you’ve already lost before you’ve even started the day.

But think about that for a second: isn’t living this way crazy? We think it’s normal to be fighting ourselves. We’re taught we need to grind it out and make something of ourselves to be successful. We’re taught we need to become something.

And the underlying message is this: who we are right now isn’t good enough.

We’re starving for acceptance, but see ourselves as flawed, and we end up spending our lives in a quest to prove ourselves to the world and to ourselves.

The Fallacy of Needing to Earn Your Freedom

When I was a kid I felt radically wild and free. And I bet you did too. But I also would bet that something changed and you don’t feel as free as you once did.

As a curious, adventurous lad, I felt like I could do anything, be anything, and create whatever I wanted. My imagination was my only limit.

But then somewhere along the way I started to hear the voices of my parents, teachers, and adults around me send contrary messages.

I needed to…
- Get good grades to prove my intelligence (and my worth).
- Do what’s right (follow the pages of an old book) and not misbehave to prove my goodness.
- Conform to socially-approved behavior to show that I was a valuable member of society. (more…)
March 19, 2013
Why Enthusiasm Trumps Worrying When It Comes to Reaching Goals

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” ~Leo Buscaglia

They say the greatest joy in life is to be able to live your passion every day, and I only had to look to my teens to remember that what I had always enjoyed doing most—working out. That’s where I wanted to go in life.

Held hostage by worries about the future, status, and money, I decided to head on a different path. I did well in college, graduating with a business degree and a double major in finance and accounting.

A few years later, it was clear that something was off. So last year, I made the big decision to pursue my passion in fitness by becoming a certified personal trainer. The start of the year was full of energy and joy. I was glad that I had finally found my direction, something that I wholeheartedly wanted to do.

I was a man on a mission. By the end of August, I had accomplished my task by taking all the exams and passing the instructor competency evaluation.

Whew, I thought.

All I had to do now was wait for a letter of approval and a wallet card to make it official.

But, what was supposed to take a few weeks ended up taking more than two months. This was the kink in my momentum.

Before I ran into this speed bump, I had everything all carefully and strategically planned out. After I became an accredited personal trainer, it would be “go” time.

Then, while waiting for my accreditation to come through, I felt stuck. I couldn’t start taking clients. I just waited. And with extra time on my hands, I started to think.

This thinking was good at first; I laid out my plans and business strategically. But the more I thought about my personal training business, the more I started to worry.

My worries soon manifested into fear and doubt. I started to feel sick, both inside and out. It wasn’t long before the slow days gave way to questions. Did I give up pursuing a career in the finance industry for this? Was this all a mistake? (more…)

March 13, 2013
Finding Peace and Joy When Dealing with Pain and Loss

“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.” ~Richard Bach

There are times when nothing seems to move in the right direction. We either feel stuck or lost in chaos and confusion. Days follow nights as pages on the calendar turn into months, but you remain at the same place.

A few years back I suffered a miscarriage in the eighth month of pregnancy. I lost my baby and my dreams of motherhood. In the deep void I experienced both physical pain and mental agony.

At such times despite your efforts, the situation turns from bad to worse until you hit rock bottom, where you are too shocked to even be angry. You are just numb.

It took me years to understand that life’s balance sheet is not a neat account statement. Here, losses are often gains and gains are often losses.

At that time, I found a strange peace while doing mundane everyday activities, like cleaning or removing the stalks from the green vegetables. My hands removed grass, weeds, or long hard stalks to stack in organized groups.

Why did I enjoy doing this activity, which was a chore? It gave my hands something to do; it helped me to finish a task while giving respite to my agonized heart, as my mind was free to wander from worry to wonder.

My heart cried but the spinach or whatever I was cleaning was getting ready. It did not stop life but helped me to go with flow.

It taught me the art of giving in without giving up, and it made me realize that lessons need to be experienced before learning happens.

The meditative quality of a repeated activity is therapeutic. It leads to contemplation, which has a cathartic effect that makes you calm while setting a rhythm in the chaotic mind.

Life unfolds at its pace, and we need to go with the flow. Attachment and detachment are the two points where we oscillate as a pendulum. Wisdom dawns at this stage. (more…)

March 12, 2013
Determine What Will Make You Happy by Identifying Your Values

“Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.” ~Ayn Rand

For too many years, I played the part of the perfect little southern girl: I kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. I dressed properly, including panty hose, slips, and girdles. I didn’t laugh too loudly in public. I did what I was told.

You see, I learned at an early age that I had to do this in order to always be seen as a “good little girl” (and avoid getting punished). I continued the same behavior after I got married, doing what my husband expected of me and keeping up the appearances of a perfect life behind a white picket fence.

I was a mental and emotional chameleon, changing my viewpoints and values to match first those of my parents and then those of my husband. Secretly, inside myself, I had my own dreams and opinions, ideas, and desires. Eventually I realized that in order to be happy, I needed to learn to live outside the box of my upbringing.

When I began to explore my heart’s desires, to find myself through travel, and to see what felt right and wrong to my heart and soul, my life blossomed. I had finally begun creating a life that I loved on my own terms.

Last fall, one of my mentors asked me, “What are your values?” I have to confess that I was stumped. Those on-the-surface questions are really much deeper than they first seem. I’m a coach. I’m a writer. I’m a thinker. It should be easy to answer.

From experience, I knew that if my first response to a question was “I don’t know,” then I was telling myself a little white lie. Somewhere within my heart was the answer, but I hadn’t really explored it.

What Are Values?

We all have them—they are as ingrained within us as our blood types or preference for sweet or salty foods. But have you actually defined them? I’m not talking about morals, which are defined by society.

Values are who you are, not who you think you should be in order to fit in. (more…)

March 7, 2013
You Are Worthy of Receiving: 10 Things to Let into Your Life

“Happiness is really a deep inner satisfaction and approval” ~Francis Wiltshire

At the start of the year many of us make resolutions about what we want to give up, what we need to let go—from quitting smoking (did that 20+ years ago), to cutting back on alcohol (a work in progress), to cutting back on not-so-healthy foods (also in progress), to letting go of past “demons.”

There’s a lot to be gained by letting go of past pain, by breaking bad habits. But what if we thought more in terms of what we might welcome into our lives—what we might be open to receiving?

Even diet companies cash in on this positive psychology. Don’t talk of losing weight, but gaining health; think of eating a delicious salad rather than sacrificing that block of chocolate.

But how often do we convince ourselves that we must do all the hard work of letting go and giving up before we are worthy to receive?

I’ve always been better at giving than receiving, so when it comes to letting go and letting in, I’ve focused on what I needed to give up, to let go, the work I needed to do in order to be better.

I’ve put the pressure on myself to self-heal rather than asking for help. I haven’t always been open to receiving compassion and love, since I wasn’t sure I deserved them.

And conversely, I’ve given more and more of myself in the hopes I might thus be worthy of receiving, which is not genuine giving anyway.

I did this especially when I was going through infertility, but I still find myself doing it now—making deals with myself to let go of fear, pain, and jealousy and to give more love, understanding, effort, and then surely I’ll be deserving of what I want.

The letting go proves you are strong and the giving proves you are good—don’t they? (more…)

February 27, 2013
How to Find Happiness Through Gratitude When Life Gets Hard

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” ~Brother David Steindl-Rast

In the summer of 1993, my father was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor.

He was only fifty-eight. Still just a kid.

This was a devastating development, to say the least. Things had already been challenging for my family for several years before this blow.

Dad had lost his corporate banking job in Boston—quite unjustly, in our view—kicking off a nearly three-year-long bout of unemployment.

This was not an easy time for our family, but we pulled together in the ways we were able and never gave up hope.

No matter how tough things became (moving three times in three years, for instance), I was always exceedingly grateful that my parents were who they were: devoted to each other and their three kids (I am the eldest), honest, loyal, sensible, and smart.

I was also grateful that they were crazy supportive of our dreams, no matter how big they happen to be.

In 1987, I moved to New York at age eighteen to start my modeling career with a major agency. This was in lieu of college, I might add.

“Aren’t your parents worried?” my friends would ask, slightly marveling.

“No, they know how important this is to me,” I responded.

I’m sure they were concerned, but they never let it show.

In addition, they were willing to go to the mat for us, for our educations, our comfort, and domestic stability.

There may have been cracks in the castle walls at times, but never its foundation. (more…)

February 18, 2013
6 Tips to Find Your Bliss So You Can Follow It

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

I’m betting you’ve heard the advice to “follow your bliss.” While I find there to be much value in those words, I submit that this mindset can become a trap.

It’s not the bliss I have an issue with. It’s the part about following.

If you are going to follow your bliss, the supposition is that you already know what it is. Maybe you do, and maybe you don’t. Yet.

When I was in my early twenties, my mother invited me to join her for an evening yoga class she was taking to be followed by dinner. Yoga wasn’t as popular then as it is now so it was something of a mystery to me.

I imagined a half hour of simple stretching. To be honest, I was more interested in the free dinner than I was in “exercise,” but mom had just started a 6-week yoga intensive class and was very enthusiastic about it. Wanting to be supportive, I accepted her invitation.

I met her at the yoga studio, thinking easy stretches would be a good way to work up an appetite, and then off to dinner we would go. We removed our shoes, and I padded after my mom as she handed me a mat and showed me where to spread it out on the floor, next to hers.

The teacher was a pleasant young woman who smiled warmly as she welcomed us and lowered the lights, suggesting we sit quietly and relax. As the last few students straggled in, she walked over to the close the door and invited us to “just let go of the cares of the day for the next two hours.”

Holy Toledo! Two hours! Two HOURS? I hated P.E.—I’d never done any physical activity for two hours. This would never do. Two hours? I panicked.

How to escape? I could excuse myself to the bathroom and wait it out there. Maybe I could feign a stomachache and take a taxi home. I was freaking out inside.

The teacher’s smiling eyes met mine, and I fake-smiled back. Panic turned into paralysis. I froze. It took every ounce of willpower (and a fair amount of respect and love for my mother) to keep me from bolting out that door. I swallowed my panic and got ready to endure the torture. (more…)

January 10, 2013
Create Peace by Imagining a World Beyond It

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ~Dalai Lama

What comes after peace? Have you ever stopped to think about this?

We spend so much of our time and energy working to attain both inner and global peace, but have we ever stopped to think about what this really means?

What is on the other side of peace?

Twice in my life, I have broken a board with my bare hand.

There is one simple rule to this technique. You must not focus on breaking the board but rather on breaking through the board. This means placing your attention not on breaking the board but on seeing your hand on the other side of the broken board.

Perhaps we need to apply this technique to our quest for peace.

Several years ago, when my son was eight years old, we were discussing the possibility of creating a video game that did not include war and violence.

As the discussion moved into the possibility of world peace, my son in his infinite wisdom said:

“People are not ready for that. Without conflict there would be no plot, and without a plot no one would know what to do.”

I was speechless.

My eight-year-old son had just summed up in one simple sentence why the world has continued this cycle of war and conflict since the beginning of time. I could not get this thought out of my head for weeks. (more…)

January 2, 2013
35 Simple Ways to Be Beautiful

“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” ~Sophia Loren

Even though I got Joey McIntyre from The New Kids on the Block to sign my scoliosis back brace in the sixth grade, I still felt ugly wearing it.

I didn’t realize the irony back then, but in retrospect it seems a little funny that I grew crooked considering I convinced myself I was wilting in my sister’s shadow. (I also had braces and headgear, but that’s another story.)

I was a kid who wanted to be beautiful, but more desperately wanted to feel loved. My self-esteem increased through the years, but I never quite shook the sneaking suspicion I’d never be beautiful enough. Or maybe lovable enough.

It would be easy to blame it all on society and the Kate Moss era of modeling, but I think it’s more than that. I just never learned to notice and appreciate all the beautiful things about myself. The stuff that had nothing to do with my waistline, skin tone, or eye lashes and everything to do with who I am.

I never learned to give myself the credit for all the good I do in the world. I was too busy cataloging my weaknesses, mistakes, and flaws to recognize it.

It seems like such a cliché to say that pretty is as pretty does, but the truth is, physical beauty is subjective. And even if someone perfectly matches your ideal of physical perfection, their looks will eventually fade. What endure are the qualities, passions, and habits we nurture.

That’s what makes us beautiful—and believe me when I say there is something beautiful in everyone. If you’ve done any of the following lately, you are absolutely beautiful: (more…)

December 23, 2012
Being Grateful for the Imperfect Present

“If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” ~Oprah Winfrey

I live in an old house.

It is 212 years old this year, to be exact.

We’ve added onto it over the years so it presents itself as more youthful than its age. The old bones remain, though, as well as many of the quirks. Those “quirks” give it character, right? It’s much like my emerging crow’s feet give my face character.

That’s the positive spin on crow’s feet, at least.

We have uneven floors, to the point where most of our furniture is shimmed, and shimmed-like-crazy. Without it, our mantle would tip to such a degree that it would seem that we are on the sinking Titanic.

When our kids were young, they could sit on a wee scooter, lift their legs, and coast backward through two rooms. (Insta-fun!)

We have asymmetrical moldings and strange gaps. When we first moved into our home, I was attempting to fill a gap in the wood on the stairs with caulk; it shot straight through the stair and into the basement.

I think I unloaded about half the tube before it started to fill. Probably should have just gone with a new piece of wood.

We joke that ours is the “House That Caulk Built.”

We have different varieties of wood for floors, and those floors creak to the point that, when our cat walks upstairs, it sounds like a human instead. There are gaps around the doors because nothing is level, and the rooms don’t have overhead lights in most cases (save for the kitchen, dining room. and bathrooms). Floor lamps and table lamps illuminate our indoor world.

But the kitchen. The kitchen. The heart of the home.

It is the size of most people’s walk-in closets. There is a lack of counter space, not enough outlets (I mentioned that already, didn’t I?) and it’s just too small, small, small.

The unfortunate thing is that I love to cook. I spend the majority of my days in the kitchen and go there for play (so to speak), as well. (more…)

December 20, 2012
The Illusion of Waiting for the Future to Be Happy

“The future is always beginning now.” ~Mark Strand

Do you ever feel like there’s something missing in your life? It feels like you’re always waiting for something to arrive. You want the future to come, because it’s better there.

But that’s all wrong.

The future is an illusion. It’s just a concept in your head. This is what I’ve realized in the past few months.

I’ve suddenly become acutely aware of what’s going on. I’ve entered the present moment more powerfully than ever before.

If you go and read my previous articles here at Tiny Buddha, I talk about how I’m going deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.

I’m learning more and more, and that’s exactly what happens each year.

As I’m writing this, I am completely present in my body. I feel my fingers write the words. It almost feels like I’m not the one typing, typing is just happening.

I don’t claim to be perfect, but I do want to share what’s happened, and how you can tap into the same peace and joy that I have.

But before we do that, let’s look at the problem.

The Problem: Future-Think

In the past, I tended to live in the future. I daydreamed of a better life.

I wanted more money, more adventure, and more time so I could be in the present moment. When I put it like that, it almost seems crazy, doesn’t it?

(more…)

December 11, 2012
Finding Your Special Thing: Connect with Your Passion

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.” ~Rumi

You know what it is; you’ve always known. Maybe it’s been just a shadow in the fog, or it’s crystal clear in amazing Technicolor before your eyes. Either way, it’s there, sometimes stinging you with a numb sense of denial, sometimes scratching at your skin like a bad case of poison sumac.

It’s existed since the day you arrived on earth with a cry and a gasp.You knew it already when you were small, when you drew pictures with crayons and finger paint, when you learned what a ruler was and how to multiply by three. When you found out that nouns were followed by verbs and that seeds, planted right below the surface of the dirt and given water to drink, would sprout green just days later.

You knew it then, and you know it now.

So many things vie for your attention. Job, kids, house, yard. Family, friends, the blessed computer. But your special thing sits right under the veneer of frenetic busy me, counting the days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds for you to finally take notice and accept its sacred presence.

When you see someone else doing something that remotely resembles your special thing, you might react in a panic.“Wait. Her. She’s living my dream!!” But it’s not someone else living your dream that brings on the racing heartbeat; it’s that you are not living your dream yourself.

Your special thing is your work. It’s your purpose. It’s the goodness that you produce from the center of your heart. You might already be doing it without completely realizing it. You’d do it without having to be paid for it but if you could make your living from it, what joy it would bring.

When I first started to heed the call of my special thing, my husband and I were working as hard as we could, thinking there would never be another way, wondering how long it would take for us to just burn out and disappear.

There was something in the distance, though, a chance thought. It was engulfed in mist at first, but emerged into the light as an opportunity.

In a short span of time, my husband’s and my professional situations changed, and the possibility to buy an abandoned farm in Italy presented itself. We sprang on it, knowing it was the right thing to do at some deep level. (more…)

December 5, 2012
Your Happiness Can Make a Difference in the World

“Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

When I was eight years old I saw a news report on a war. A wounded woman was crying on a stretcher, and soldiers were carrying guns running around her. Up until that point I had thought war was like dragons or knights in armor. It was fictional or happened a long, long time ago. I couldn’t believe it was real.

At that realization, my experience of life changed. It felt like it was no longer okay to just be; I had to do something. There was something wrong with the world, and I had to do something to fix it.

This stayed with me into adulthood and, while it gave me a sense of purpose, it also gave me a constant feeling of hopelessness. The problems seemed huge and insurmountable, and everything I did seemed so inconsequential.

Coming Alive

I have learned that one of the best indicators of a good path is feeling good, and hopelessness wasn’t feeling good. I felt burned out and unsure of myself. I didn’t feel alive.

I felt this battle in me. I wanted to be free to make my choices based on inspiration rather than fear, but how can I feel that everything is okay when children are starving, water is poisoned, and we are killing each other and the planet? Clearly that is not okay, right?

I didn’t want to rise up out of the realities of our world and pretend for the sake of my peace of mind that this wasn’t happening. I wanted to be present and meet our world’s problems, as well as my fear and pain, with compassion, and then to make a choice that feels good—because the last thing the world needs is another hopeless human.

What brought me to life was allowing myself to feel connected to the rest of the world. Letting myself feel the suffering without trying to fix it and letting myself feel the joy and love without feeling guilty. (more…)

November 25, 2012
4 Powerful Tips to Reduce Resentment and Feel Happier

“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” ~Buddha

Life is short. Time spent feeling angry or resentful about things that happened or didn’t happen is time squandered.

What’s that? You think those feelings motivate you and help you get things done? Hogwash! If you’re honest with yourself, you realize getting things done isn’t the end goal. The goal is to feel fulfilled and happy.

Accomplishments fueled by resentment and anger seldom contribute to serenity and fulfillment. More importantly, the moments you spent crossing things off your to-do list with a scowl slip away without giving you anything positive. They’re gone; never to return.

Resentment is like a cancer that eats away at time—time which could have been filled with love and joy.

Here are four powerful tips to reduce resentments and live a happier life. (more…)

November 22, 2012
Choose Love Now

“Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is.” ~Gary Zukav

Growing up, I was lucky that my parents surrounded me with a strong and steady current of love, despite our family’s own little dysfunctions and a knowingness that I wasn’t like other kids.

In truth, once I got past my shyness, I was a pretty confident young girl who actually enjoyed being the “different” one, immersing myself in the creative outlet of dance and soothing my soul with frequent trips into nature.

Broken Bits

It wasn’t until I fell in love with the world of acting that my bubble of confidence burst and I started to question who I really was.

I was suddenly thrust into a world where image, judgment, and ego ruled, and my new identify as defined by others came through loud and clear:

My stomach and thighs could use some work, the gapped teeth I used to cherish no longer fit the bill, and my take on pretty was labeled “small-town,” falling short of Hollywood’s standards.

I began to believe the lies and little pieces broke inside of me.

Powerful Words

Of course it wasn’t all misery, and there were many moments of sheer joy where I seized opportunities to tell great stories and work on projects that fed me creatively.

I kept at it for several years, riding these highs and lows, until I awoke to the fact that life is not just a ride I’m strapped into, destined to be flung about wherever it takes me.

Indeed, I had a bigger choice when it came to how I handled the highs and lows and that, even though it would seem I was choosing the life I wanted by pursuing a career as an actress, I wasn’t choosing my most joyful life within the circumstances I had manifested.

Tuning in, my new mantra flowed through me:

Choose Love Now.

I was blown away by the power in these words.

Choose: Every moment is a choice…

Love: …to choose either love or fear…

Now: …and that choice is made in the only real time there is…the present moment (more…)

October 31, 2012
Happiness is the Value of Every Moment

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

“What is happiness?” What a completely dense and loaded question this is.

During my studies in psychology, one of the main principles we learned about writing a manuscript is the importance of defining what you are discussing. If I were to write a paper about happiness, I would then need to operationally define happiness in terms that allowed everyone to understand what I was referring to.

The problem with this, however, is that we then merely repeat the best definition we come by, thinking we understand the meaning while never truly questioning our own thoughts on the matter; therefore never truly experiencing it.

I believe this happens in the majority of circumstances, and know that I did this for many years. It is much simpler to just go along with life rather than ask yourself those true and deep questions that will rattle your world.

My whole life I have been searching for tranquility, to feel at peace within myself, for “happiness.”

After a traumatic adolescence, I spent my life in fear, seeking control to make up for that which was taken from me. This brought me an abundance of pain and so much confusion.

But I thought I would no longer be hurt if I could control everything around me. This, for obvious reasons, never worked, and I couldn’t seem to understand why.

A special person in my life always taught me to question what I’m told. On the subject of happiness, he said that he had never heard a definition that made sense to him, and therefore, didn’t believe happiness existed.

This was the saddest thing I have ever heard. It inspired me to find a definition that would touch his heart. (more…)

October 30, 2012
When You Feel Angry More Often Than Not

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” ~Lao Tzu

I spent a lot of time in my life being angry. At one point I hated everything and almost everyone. I had a saying for a while: “God, I hate people.” I hated the people driving in front of me on the way to the store, then in the parking lot of the store, then inside the store.

I hated my job. I used to love my job. It’s what I chose to do, what I went to school for. But then I started to hate it—the patients, the nurses, everything about it.

I can’t recall when the precise moment was that it began, this disgust of the world around me. I do know what I was disgusted by: the mindless selfishness of others. I was in total frustration of the way everyone seemed to be wearing blinders to the world around them.

I was so tired of the judgment and condemnation of others toward those different from them, whether it was race or religion, size, or shape (or that of their bank accounts). The arrogance with which they treated each other, the unfriendly way they regarded each other in public situations, the way I felt I was treated for so many years by people I encountered every day—at my job, within my family, out in public—by unsmiling faces of unhappy people trudging through their miserable lives.

Misunderstanding can cause a lot of contention.

I hated the way I was talked down to by other staff at work like I was less significant than them because they didn’t understand what my job title was (Registered Diagnostic Imaging Technologist, or X-Ray Tech), or that I was as educated as they were, or sometimes more so.

I hated the treatment I received from ungrateful patients who thought they deserved more than I could give. I was called names, screamed at, bled on, vomited on, defecated on, and had the occasional arm reared back in the threat of being hit. This while having to touch, move, and position these people and equipment, all while seeing and smelling the human condition besides.

Then, I would go home at seven in the morning, get a whopping six hours of sleep, if I was lucky, get up, go about my wifely and motherly duties of house-managing, dinner, and grocery shopping, where I was almost sure to be treated with righteous indignation by a disgruntled cashier who also hated her job (I would sometimes tell them to try my job and then complain), get a shower, relax for maybe an hour or so, and do it all over again, five nights a week. (more…)

October 29, 2012
How to Turn Pain to Joy: 11 Tips for a Powerful Gratitude Journal

“Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot” ~Hausa Proverb

In my early, dark days of first acquiring a disability, I didn’t feel I had an awful lot to be thankful for.

It was like I had spent my whole life getting to the point where I had a thriving holistic therapy practice I loved, an amazing social life with great friends, and my beautiful dog, who I would regularly take into the country for long walks and my adrenaline pumping exercise routine.

Life was perfect. I had so much to be grateful for, but then it was suddenly snatched away.

I was left with constant pain, immobility, and three children who I felt I couldn’t care for properly. So what did I have to be grateful for, right?

Well, I was alive, yes. Some people may say that’s enough, but they are probably either people not dealing with chronic pain on a daily basis or those with a far more positive mindset than I had at that time.

I thought back to all the advice I had given to my therapy clients over the years on healing emotional pain and moving forward, but even though I knew it worked from the positive feedback I’d received, I couldn’t apply it to myself.

The problem was that I was very good at talking it, but, as I had always felt good about my life, I had never actually had to put it into practice.

The previous ten years had been the best I had ever experienced, and I was naturally appreciative of all I had. After my accident, appreciativeness soon turned to hurt, anger, self-pity, and eventually self-loathing.

I caused myself more pain by resisting the enforced lifestyle change and couldn’t see a purpose in anything. It was at this point I knew I had to make a change.

I looked at the handout sheets I had previously given to clients (practical tips for living a positive life), and since I love writing, gratitude journaling seemed to be an obvious starting point.

That night I sat with my journal, intending to start with three things I was grateful for that day. Just three. Piece of cake, right? After an hour, I gently closed the cover on the tear-stained, still blank first page and cried myself to sleep, mentally adding “failure at journaling” to all my other perceived shortcomings. (more…)

October 29, 2012