Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Your Job Doesn’t Define You, No Matter What You Do

    Your Job Doesn’t Define You, No Matter What You Do

    “I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life.’” ~Maya Angelou

    When I started working toward a life of freedom a year ago and dared to set my sights on my dreams, I never imagined I’d be where I am today.

    However, if you took a snap shot of my life three years ago, you’d have seen a different person. I was a career woman, a high flyer, rising quickly from an office manager to the head of human resources for a fast growing, successful business, going from strength to strength.

    I was living the dream, earning more than enough money to make sure I could buy whatever, and I’d finally become a success at long last!

    Yet today, the story is the complete opposite. I am a cleaner. I work part-time seven days a week, cleaning and clearing up after other people. I work for minimum wage and I work physically hard every single day.

    Who I Thought I Was

    I thought I couldn’t get a better job, a better position in life, or a better chance to show the world that I had finally made it. I was earning substantial amounts of money, getting to travel the world, and buying whatever I wanted.

    I thought that if I could just make it somehow, and prove it to everyone because I was working in London fifty hours a week, that I’d get the respect I’d always deserved. I was completely and utterly defined by my career. Without the job, the status, and money I’d be nothing a nobody, and who wants to be that?

    So, what happened?

    I quit. One day I just decided that it wasn’t for me. It was too stressful; it was life-numbing work, killing me from the inside out. I knew I no longer wanted to work for someone else’s dreams. I was tired of working hard, on the verge of becoming mentally unstable and feeling utterly miserable.

    I realized that what I did as a job wasn’t what mattered. What mattered was the fact that I was happy, that my purpose went a lot deeper than sitting behind a desk, with my head in my hands wondering what the hell I was doing and why.

    The Journey Began

    Once I’d started on this journey, I knew there was no going back because I’d never be satisfied. So I began searching for what really made me happy, what I loved to do, and how I could use that to serve the world.

    I wanted to contribute, to make a difference, and inspire others to do the same. It was like a light had finally been switched on in my brain. I realized that life was what I made it and I didn’t have to do what everyone else was doing. I could try something new, step out of the ordinary, and live an extraordinary life.

    The thing was, however, I had no money. When I’d quit my job, I’d mounted up a lot of debt. My credit cards were maxed out, and the money I did have I had to use for bills, rental payments, and to pay off those debts.

    I became very scared and anxious, as I wanted to follow my dreams and search for what mattered; yet, I still needed to live. I wasn’t about to go backward, so I had to admit defeat; I had to get a job, a menial one, something that required little attention or time that would still paid the bills.

    So I became a cleaner.

    I won’t lie to you; it wasn’t easy. For so long I’d been a high flyer. I was proud of being known as a success and loved being able to afford anything I wanted. Then here I was, a failure, the type of person I felt sorry for and could never imagine being.

    I had become someone I never wanted to be. I was embarrassed to admit it to people, but at the same time I knew I had to do it. Financially, it took the pressure off. It also gave me the freedom to do what I loved during the day, and most of all, it allowed me to rediscover my dreams and work toward them.

    Your Work Doesn’t Have to Define You

    It took me a long time to realize that my work didn’t have to define me. All that mattered was that I could pay my bills, which was the only reason for doing this. The fact that everyone else saw me as just a cleaner didn’t mean a thing; they could think what they wanted.

    I was the only one who knew the truth. I didn’t have to justify myself to anyone anymore.

    It was so liberating.

    Of course, there are down sides. I have days where I get so exasperated, so frustrated that I have to do this job. I get a little down and disheartened, but each time those doubts pop into my head I instantly turn them into something positive.

    So how can you deal with these down times when you’re doing something that isn’t your dream?

    Realize it serves a purpose.

    Remind yourself why you are here, why you are doing this job, and what you are getting out of it. Remember there is a reason for it, and that reason is to pay the bills, the rent, or buy food, and that’s it.

    It’s not that you are a cleaner, or a garbage collector, or whatever you decide to do while you work on your dreams. You are a planner, an achiever, and you are courageous enough to do what has to be done to make sure your dreams happen.

    Be grateful.

    Seriously, this is the most important thing you can do. When I get down I remember that I am so lucky and grateful for the fact that I can do a job, get paid for it, and still work on my dreams.

    If I had a nine-to-five job, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today because I’d be too tired. I’d be too comfortable with the money, the work, and the easiness of it all, so I’d probably stay stuck.

    Sometimes it’s good to be doing this kind of work, as there’s something you really want to get out of. It will motivate you so much more in that way. So always be grateful for having this opportunity.

    Keep cheerful.

    Whenever I go into work, I see all the office staff looking down and depressed. I remember what it felt like to be stuck behind a desk all day doing work that did little for me. So I make sure I am cheerful.

    I spread a little bit of light around me because I feel so lucky to have gotten out of the rat race. If I can make other people see that cleaning isn’t who I am, it’s what I make of it that matters, then perhaps I can inspire others to do the same.

    I hope these will inspire you and keep you on the journey toward your dreams and purpose in life. It’s so important not to let what you do affect who you are. Some people will only see you for what you do, but those people don’t know what you know.

    Always feel blessed and honored to be able to follow your heart and have the courage to go after what makes you happy.

    If you are like me, you are very lucky indeed—and if you want to follow your dreams, begin today before it’s too late!

  • 4 Things to Do When You’re Struggling with Your Dreams

    4 Things to Do When You’re Struggling with Your Dreams

    Man Thinking

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    Three years ago I was in the stressful process of applying to colleges. I had my heart set on this one particular school that, apart from being difficult to get into, was perfect.

    I imagined myself wearing the uniform and feeling a sense of accomplishment. I’d finally be able to prove to people that I was clever and worthy of going to this amazing school.

    A few weeks later I got a letter from the school. I remember getting excited and grinning like a maniac—until I opened it. The school had declined me because my predicated grades were not good enough, while the rest of my classmates had been accepted or put on the waiting list.

    I don’t think I’ve ever cried as hard as I did that evening. I’d pinned so much hope on going to this perfect school that the sudden and final rejection hit me pretty hard.

    I lost faith in my academic ability. My best wasn’t good enough; I wasn’t good enough.

    The thought of telling my friends filled me with dread. Even though I was proud of them for getting in or on the waiting list, every time they mentioned going, I had to pretend that it didn’t bring back the feelings of shame and disappointment.

    My exams approached, and even though I was absorbed in my revision, the news that on results day I could reapply if my grades were high enough gave me something to hope for, another chance to prove myself.

    Results day arrived and my grades were high enough, so off I went to the school with my friend.

    We received forms to choose our subjects. I just checked the ones that still had spaces left; that’s how desperate I was to go to this school. What was I, an aspiring film director, doing applying to study chemistry, math, and business?

    In the end I still didn’t get a place, but no tears this time. The six-month ordeal had finally come to an end.

    Here are four amazing things I’m thankful to have learned about going after the things you want.

    1. Check your ego.

    Is what you’re going after really what you want? Are you going after it for yourself or for other people? How will you feel when you do (or don’t) achieve it?

    As much as I hate to admit it, the reason I was so intent on getting into that school was to prove to the people around me that I was smart enough to get in. I’d spent most of my secondary school life feeling as though others didn’t take me seriously academically because I was a bit of a class clown.

    My ego was ready to have me study subjects that didn’t interest me. I’m sure the initial high would’ve worn off pretty quickly upon realizing that I was stuck with them for two years, and if I didn’t do well it would have affected my university application.

    Make sure that your goals are yours. Don’t follow the crowd and don’t feel the need to prove yourself to people who make you feel inadequate, because chances are that you’ll always have “just one more thing” to prove to them.

    I think we often get so caught up in the race against others that we forget why we’re running it in the first place.

    2. Persevere until the end.

    If you want to accomplish something, you have to give it everything you’ve got.

    Although I wasn’t persevering for the right reasons, I did absolutely everything I could to get into the school. I went to every single one of my teachers and asked them for my predicated grades. I sent an appeal letter to my local council, and as I mentioned, I made one final attempt on results day.

    So despite being unsuccessful, when it was over I was able to accept it because there was absolutely nothing else I could have done. If you know in your heart that you did everything you could and you still didn’t succeed, you have no reason to feel bad. You can hold your head up high and say, “I gave it my best shot.”

    3. Embrace failure.

    When you’re going after a big dream, the road will never be perfect. You will fall down and it won’t be pleasant, but don’t let that stop you from going after what you want.

    Often people worry about others laughing at them if they fail, and so they never attempt anything that they aren’t guaranteed to succeed at. But remember, nothing great comes from staying inside your comfort bubble and playing it safe.

    If you want to achieve something you never have, you have to do things you’ve never done.

    The next time you’re stressed because you might fail, imagine what you could learn from your failures. Think of someone you know who is successful. They failed at one point, but you don’t remember them for that because their attempt didn’t end when they failed; it ended when they succeeded.

    4. Explore your options.

    There‘s more than one way to reach your goal. If you’re not succeeding, try another way. Initially, I refused to allow myself to believe that I could do well at my second choice of school because I was too caught up in the perfect idea of the first choice. It wasn’t until I actually got there that I realized how great it was.

    Don’t turn down opportunities because they’re not what you were expecting or because you think you’re above them. You never know where they could lead. Embrace the opportunities that come your way and enjoy your journey to success.

    Photo by Will Foster

  • 5 Rules of Happiness

    5 Rules of Happiness

    5 Rules of Happiness

    Source: Dave’s Words of Wisdom

  • 3 Tiny Phrases That Can Help You Solve Big Problems

    3 Tiny Phrases That Can Help You Solve Big Problems

    Thinking

    “At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~Chris Mason Miller

    I was faced with an impossible problem, so like all the great thinkers throughout history, I shut myself in the bathroom and vowed not to come out until I had solved the problem.

    It had plagued me for two-and-a-half years, and for seven years—the length of time during I’d lost my voice for and had suffered from chronic tendonitis respectively.

    Such was the consequence of an obsessive guitar habit, one that saw me practicing up to fourteen hours in a single day as I worked my way through three years of my Bachelor of Jazz Performance Degree.

    I never made it to year four, the year I would have graduated. Year three had seen my pain increase to the point that I only played my instrument at performances and in classes requiring it.

    On my own, I practiced in my head, imagining both my instrument and the sounds it would produce.

    I developed a strong imagination alongside a strong case of tendonitis.

    But at the end of that year, my body quit. Shut down. It got so bad that I ended up unable to drive or hold a knife and fork. I even ended up having a friend push me around the Chicago Museum of Science in a wheelchair because the muscular dysfunction had become a whole-body issue.

    So there I was, several years later, with no voice and no use of my arms.

    I’d seen doctors, physiotherapists, massage therapists, and all manner of other people who poked and prodded and tried to figure out what was wrong with me. I’d tried all the treatments, taken all the advice, and done plenty of my own research.

    None of it had worked.

    So that sunny afternoon in June, I turned to the only resource I had left…

    How To Run Your Mind

    There are only two ways to change the quality of our lives: change the quality of the events, or change our perception of the events. Most of us opt for the former. I’d been doing this for the last seven years.

    Now, it was time to try out the other option. We can all change the way we perceive events by changing the words we use when we talk to ourselves. There were three phrases in particular that gave me my life back; they have untold power to have a positive impact in yours.

    1. I am here.

    This phrase saved my life. When we fight long and hard, trying to escape our pasts or reach our futures, we inhibit our ability to find joy, contentment, and inner peace in the present.

    And this is the only place where we can ever have it.

    When we ground ourselves in the here and now with a phrase like “I am here,” and put all our intent and focus into the words, we become accepting of where we are. We cease to judge ourselves as good or bad, as a success or failure. We are simply where we are. And that’s okay.

    The seriousness of what we’ve gone through and the gravity of whatever we’re trying to achieve diminishes, and we’re able to safely and securely assess our current situation and take one step in the direction we want. A step taken without fear, stress, or tension—without anything except the joy of taking that step and seeing what will come of it.

    2. I don’t know.

    We are conditioned from an early age to rationalize, justify, and explain things, whether we’re studying for a biology exam, writing an essay, or trying to get out of detention.

    This attitude can have serious consequences later in life as we become set in our patterns of thinking and behaving. We understand the world—we have the answers—so new information gets filtered out before it has any opportunity to impact us.

    By adopting the stance “I don’t know,” we open ourselves to the possibility that there are different ways of seeing the world. We give ourselves new opportunities to learn, grow, and evolve—to become okay with the uncertainty and humility of not always having the answer.

    3. Life is easy.

    When we suffer, and particularly if we’ve been suffering for a long time—whether that’s through health problems, workplace issues, relationship troubles, or anything else—it is easy to feel as if life is simply one prolonged struggle, and that getting by is the best we can hope for.

    But all this changes when we adopt the idea that life is easy!

    For instance, I had my laptop stolen when I was traveling in Malaysia. I lost several months of writing I had saved up, fairly significant for someone whose income relies upon his portfolio. Not only that, but with no computer I had no way of doing any freelancing work to help support myself.

    This was incredibly stressful until I decided to see this as an opportunity; with my old work gone, I had the chance to write something even better than I had created before.

    I had an interesting experience—a challenge and adventure—recovering from the setback that I could use in my future work. That was an amazing realization that made it simple to move on from the setback and enjoy the ride.

    When we turn obstacles and barriers into opportunities and adventures, stress and discomfort disappear, we need less motivation to act, procrastination affects us less, and the creative part of our minds responsible for lateral thinking and problem solving stay active.

    As a result, solutions start to appear as if from nowhere, simply because we put our minds in a position to find the answers. And life does become easier.

    —

    These phrases, with enough time, were major reasons why I can talk and write today. They are the reasons I was able to solve the impossible problems that dumbfounded medical professionals, and they can be the reason that your life changes for the better in the coming weeks and months.

    Photo by Davide Restivo

  • Releasing the Need for Certainty and Trusting Our Decisions

    Releasing the Need for Certainty and Trusting Our Decisions

    Peaceful Woman

    “If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” ~Unknown

    If you’re like me, you’re hard on yourself—and I mean hard.

    You analyze your decisions and try to somehow calculate the results of your actions to feel a sense of certainty. Little did you know that searching for the certainty causes all of your insides to do flips and only causes more uneasiness.

    What I always wonder is where did the need to know come from? I remember being a free spirit with no worries as a child (as I’m sure most of us were—the beauty of naivety), but never did I have the need to just know first so I could be happy second.

    Where does this need to know come from? 

    I’ve recently been reading a few books by Don Miguel Ruiz, the most current being The Voice of Knowledge.

    A chapter in the book talks about our personal stories we have in our heads—the truths we tell ourselves based on our past experiences and overall beliefs about ourselves. We all have them, and we all utilize them to interpret the world in our own way. 

    These stories have become so ingrained within us that we almost don’t notice we’re still holding onto the things that no longer serve us.

    They teach us “because this happened in the past, this will happen again.” Even though the situation could be entirely different, we hold on to these “truths” for some surefire way to predict an outcome before we even know what it will be.

    We no longer trust ourselves to make the right choice because we want the certainty that it will work out the way we want it to, so we can avoid any hurt or disappointment. I’ve learned that this is actually the quickest way to disappointment, hurt, and unhappiness.

    We put so much of our energy and tie so much of our happiness into the outcome of this one decision, and we then beat ourselves up when it doesn’t turn out “right.”

    I’ve been there many times before, and I have to say, it’s still a work in progress toward fully understanding this concept and practicing its lessons. This has been most apparent as it pertains to my relationships.

    For a long time I was torn from a past relationship. I analyzed every bit of it until I had no clue what I was looking at. (Haven’t we all been there?) I closed myself off in fear because a part of me wanted to avoid making a wrong decision and ending up in a similar predicament where I had allowed myself to be hurt.

    Now that I’ve moved on, I’ve found that at times I still carry that fear of uncertainty with me, the fear that trusting myself isn’t enough to know what is right. And that is why I say I’m still a work in progress. I’ve had to learn to let go of these “truths” and stories in order to see things fresh.

    Realizations don’t always lead to immediate changes, but recognizing is the first step.

    I’ve gone a little bit easier on myself over time, but I’ve tried to remember that happiness doesn’t come from knowing; it comes from living through what life gives us.

    It can’t be about figuring out some correct equation to all, because one equation can never fit any and every situation.

    At the end of the day, the best thing you can do for yourself is trust in what feels good to your soul, but first open the space within yourself to receiving these feelings. If you close yourself off emotionally and get caught in your head, you won’t know how to feel anymore.

    So as a reminder to me and as a reminder to you, go easy on yourself. Respect the space within you that desires the freedom to live, without the need to know right at this moment.

    There is never a true state of knowing because we are constantly learning; there is just a state of trusting and accepting the choices we make and knowing every outcome is a lesson—even if we’re still opening ourselves to receive it.

    Photo by Giuseppe Chirico

  • Why We Don’t Need to Try So Hard to Be Happy

    Why We Don’t Need to Try So Hard to Be Happy

    Smiling

    “Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang-Tse

    Everywhere we turn these days we seem to be bombarded by it.

    TV commercials try to lure you into buying their products on the promise they will give you it. Magazines scream it from the front pages via sultry images and sexy block titles. Gossip magazines practically have a mission statement that fame will guarantee it. Corporations equate money with it.

    So what exactly is it? What’s this one common denominator that seems to be a worldwide obsession? Happiness!

    There are thousands upon thousands of articles, seminars, webinars, TV shows, and more that try to teach us how to achieve it. How to be a happier you. How to make your family happy. And, not forgetting our furry friends: How to make your pet happier.

    It’s as if happiness is some salient commodity that will come to us if we just. Try. Hard. Enough.

    We are repeatedly told that it’s floating around out there in the world and that it can be ours. Just look at the model on the front cover of that magazine practically flaunting it with her beaming pearly white smile. Even Pharrell is in on the game and wants us to be HAPPY (and maybe do a little happy jig).

    I don’t know about you, but I’ve been seeing these types of juicy promises for years and, quite literally, bought right into them. Sure, if I just [insert the blank] enough, I will be happy. Surely this begs the question, have we pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon?

    Think about it, the purpose of all these happiness-promisers, when you scratch behind the surface, is more likely the pursuit of profit rather than the pursuit of happiness. There’s usually a reason they keep touting the wonders of this magic commodity—it sells!

    People love to read about quick fixes, how-to’s, and how not-to’s and willingly part with their hard earned cash to learn these supposed secrets. Spoiler alert…there are no secrets!

    If we choose to believe that what we as a collective species yearn for is just out of our grasp then will we keep hunting forever. Perhaps we need to take a fresh look at what happiness actually is and whether it really is attainable by following steps one, two, or three.

    Is it even designed to be a constant state of being? Who really walks around all day with a huge grin plastered on their face without the aid of narcotic substances or a seriously deranged mindset?

    The first mistake is believing that happiness is outside of us, and something that needs to be attained. It’s not. It’s a state of being, an emotion that can pass through us when we least expect it, usually when we aren’t paying it any attention.

    It can creep up silently sometimes for just a few minutes at a time before it skulks away from whence it came. As humans, we have a myriad of emotions, and as women, add a few hundred more on top of that.

    In just one day we can feel a sense of love, pain, loss, betrayal, jealousy, anger, or laughter. I don’t think that as humans we are designed to have one singular constant emotion; we are complicated creatures.

    So why don’t you see the media touting other less fun emotions? Why don’t we see articles titled “20 Ways to Feel Sadder,” “How to Cultivate More Rage in Your Life,” or “How Not to Ugly Cry”? No one would buy it! So why should we buy into the idea that we should be happy all the time?

    Some of my happiest moments have been unexpected. I find it’s usually when my brain is engaged in the flow of another activity I really enjoy that I feel a sudden sense of complete happiness.

    Another happiness inducer for me is being out in nature. That makes me feel really happy.

    There is no one-size-fits-all happiness inducer. It can vary from hanging out with your kids or your pets to a simple walk on the beach to cooking a family meal.

    My point is that it is not something that you have to work toward in the future, for it is not obtained through external effort. It is within us and we carry the possibility of it within us at all times whether we realize it or not.

    Once we understand that happiness is not something that we can buy, sell, trade, or exchange, we don’t need to worry so much when we have a bad day.

    However, do pay attention when it’s a great day, a positive day. Be thankful for it and acknowledge it. That way, when the smiley face pops up again (and it will, for nothing accelerates the good stuff in life like gratitude does) you are aware of it, again and again.

    It can even be a feeling that you start to look forward to, like a best friend popping over for a cup of tea and a chat. Understand and accept that the feeling is temporary but will return. After all, if you’re best friend popped over and announced she was going to be staying a while, like the rest-of-your-life-awhile you might not be so happy about that.

    If we didn’t have the sad, cry-on-your-way-home days, how could we learn to really appreciate the fun, exciting days?

    So, stop reaching, searching, and trying to buy your slice of happiness, as it’s not something that is out of your reach.

    Know that, and next time you’re standing in line at the grocery store, don’t reach for the magazine promising you the Disney fairy tale happy ending. It doesn’t exist—it’s a fairy tale!

    Instead, smile at the cashier and wish her a lovely day. You will make her day a little happier and in doing so, maybe some of that magic will rub off on you.

    Photo by ferobanjo

  • When You’re Anxious to Finish: Being Patient with Your Passions

    When You’re Anxious to Finish: Being Patient with Your Passions

    Man and Mountain

    “Patience is passion tamed.”~Lyman Abbott

    It was 2:13am. My skin stuck to the bed sheets as I realized I was lying awake, listening to my belabored heartbeat. This was the first physical anxiety attack I had ever experienced—one that I hope won’t be repeated. And it happened only two nights ago.

    Apparently, the past two years have been more intense than I realized. It’s quite obvious, really, when you see that I’ve failed to write much, for Tiny Buddha or my own blog, in that time.

    I wish I could say that I’ve been too busy accomplishing goals, or have taken the years to learn new skills, but I’m afraid all these symptoms stem from a rather incurable demon. I’m writing, of course, about impatience and its power to delay.

    Impatience is invisible in that it can easily be misinterpreted as ambition, which creates an even greater problem.

    Where, on one hand, I may be more driven to take on more projects, on the other, I am led to a mess wherein very little gets done. Sure, I may have many things that I am passionate about, but this zeal is what in turn creates a false ambition, an impatience to do simply much more than I can handle.

    But what is impatience; or rather, what is patience?

    I’ve always liked the idea that the sense of urgency was passion in action—that it was a good practice to urge myself to write an essay, hustle in freelance video editing, or go off and create my own indie game in an attempt to join a new dimension of storytelling.

    So patience, then, isn’t a matter of doing less but rather the mastery of juggling, right?

    Well, after trying to calm myself in a physical fit of impatience boiled over, I’ve begun to think otherwise.

    Lately, I’ve been listening a lot to Alan Watts’ recorded lectures from his teaching years while based out of San Francisco.

    He spoke a great deal about eastern spirituality, Buddhism, contemporary mysticism, and all those curious, philosophical nonsensities that usually weird out those unfamiliar with the subject matter.

    But what really strikes me is his take on controlled anarchy—the biological organism in which the parts harmoniously create the sum with no boss in charge.

    For instance, in sculpting, it is often understood that the artist imposes his will upon the clay, thus the art of making a sculpture is simply the mastery of manipulation. But, as Watts was found to point out, the most beautiful art comes from the chaos of life itself.

    In fact, there was one such occasion documented publicly in the form of a sculpting contest that Watts mentioned in several of his lectures.

    The contest didn’t award the first prize to the sculpture that was most masterfully willed out of the clay by its creator. First place went to a young woman who took the clay, smashed it on the floor, and kicked it around until she realized what it was “trying to be,” afterward, simply carving out the pieces that she thought weren’t supposed to be there.

    This, in turn, created a wonderfully random, and thus beautiful, piece of modern art. So it is with the rest of life; after all, did you plan on growing your beautiful eyes, or did it just happen?

    Passion, then, is the artistic beast within us all, vying to get into the world in sheer, ferocious eagerness. Patience is the way to let it out calmly and in great mastery.

    If you draw, do you draw the whole drawing at once? If you sing, do you sing all the notes in one breath? And if you dance, do you perform all the steps in one beat?

    Of course not. You let it out one bit at a time.

    So how can one be a patient master of their zealous passions? When faced with impatience, there is only one thing to do: allow it.

    If we remain patient with impatience, we’ll find ourselves in that calm space where amazingly creative things can happen, just like that young woman who sculpted her clay into what it “wanted to be.”

    Ralph Steadman isn’t able to create his popularized depictions of grotesque or bizarre ink drawings when he’s so adamantly trying to come up with his next piece. It is only after he splatters ink for some time that he realizes what is coming forth from the blots, and then he applies the finishing touches.

    This is the greatest level of mastery to reach in our lives, this art of patience. I know more and more each day that I will achieve my goals in due time, and that to push myself may not always be the best way to remain productively creative.

    Pushing yourself can be hard on both the mind and body and will only lead to the opposite effect of urgent production—anxiety-ridden self-destruction.

    I like to relate patience to the stability of a mountain. A mountain does not strain itself to keep from crumbling to the ground; it just happens that it does not fall and thus makes a mountain.

    We are like mountains. Our hearts beat, our cells fade and regrow, and our minds create tides of thoughts and hopes and dreams. But, like a mountain, we happen all at once without our conscious minds telling us to act.

    I mean, is it you who tells your heart, “Beat, beat, beat, or else we’ll die!” Of course not. It just happens. And so it is when you find yourself trying to beat impatience out of your mind that you’ll only grow more impatient.

    Thus, be like mountains, not like your conscious and incessant flow of thoughts and anxieties. Let them go. And before you take another step toward anything, just breathe and let your next action happen as naturally as your breath.

    As I said earlier, impatience is invisible in its cleverness to disguise and deceive, but this is only because we believe we can impose our wills directly upon the world. That’s a stressful way to attempt to work toward our goals.

    If we keep the goal in the back of our mind and focus on the step in front of us, the rest will flow like a river.

    Mastery, then, is the effortless patience that pulls passion into the world naturally like rain falling from a thundercloud. All we need to do is stop fighting ourselves and let it happen.

    Photo by Moyan Brenn

  • Releasing Pressure and Expectations to Make Room for Life

    Releasing Pressure and Expectations to Make Room for Life

    Free

    “For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.” ~Thích Nhat Hạnh

    My husband and I bought our first house two years ago. Expecting a child and excited to move on to the next stage in our lives, we listed all of the ways we would make the house perfect.

    As first-time homeowners and parents, we assumed this list was manageable. Surely the house could be painted in a weekend! Of course we can get work done while the baby naps!

    Indeed, it seemed manageable and, therefore, (to me) mandatory.

    To kick off the home improvements, we tested a few new paint colors on the wall in the hallway, and they are still there today. For two years I looked at that paint and reminded myself of what I didn’t accomplish. What were once radiant, bold, and playful colors had become glaring, critical, and mocking.

    It can be easy for our expectations to get the better of us. What may have begun as aspirations transform into laws that must be followed precisely. Who we are and how we live are suddenly not enough.  

    Our internal critic bombards us with well-rehearsed and compelling judgments and criticism. Expectations and judgments masquerade as the truth and influence our emotions and our actions. It can be difficult to detect when our expectations don’t really match reality.

    Upon reflection today, it’s clear to me that we had no idea what we were in for when we made that list two years ago; yet, these expectations had become non-negotiable. Where was the room for living in these expectations?

    Discrepancy between our expectations and reality can be uncomfortable. We may blame ourselves and tighten our grip on our expectations. We believe that it is only once they are met that we can let go and be happy.

    It is also tempting to place blame on another person or our circumstances. Again, we believe that if only he/she/it/this would change, we could let go and be happy.

    The trick in all of this is that there will always be new expectations to be met preventing us from letting go and truly embracing our lives.

    While I struggled with this discrepancy between what should be and what really is, my daughter smiled at the paint on the wall. She doesn’t know what we were “supposed to” finish. She doesn’t know how a wall “should” be.

    My moment of clarity came when she looked up at the wall and triumphantly stated, “Green! Red! Purple!”

    I asked myself then how the same paint on the wall could hold such a different meaning to me. If the walls were painted, what would really be different? Not only that, but what did this unfinished wall make possible and what had I been missing all this time?

    I realized then that the wall more accurately reflects the richness of my life than it does any shortcoming of mine. This wall reflects dancing in the living room and weekends at the park, not failure as a person. I was inspired then to frame the paint on the wall rather than wish it were gone.

    It was both liberating and humbling to acknowledge that this isn’t about the paint on the wall at all. This is about me. It is not the paint that needs to be changed, but what I see when I look at it.

    We can be easily persuaded by the false promises that control and perfection make. We can forget that perfection will never be achieved, and we mistakenly believe that this means we are not enough.

    We might even believe that our self-talk, as negative as it may be, is reality. When thinking errors overshadow the good that is within our lives, it can seem that life must always be something else.

    To find release from the emotional toll of the “shoulds” and “good enoughs,” we focus on what must be different: ourselves, a loved one, a stranger, circumstances, or that irksome wall.

    Why is this so hard to change? Change often brings with it the fear of the unknown. Change is not certain.

    However, when we can change this, not only do our expectations change, but so do our happiness, contentment, and gratitude for what is. We are more likely to fully see things as they are when we can detach ourselves from unyielding expectations.

    We are free to live when we make room for life.

    To begin to see your “wall” through different eyes:

    1. Remind yourself that you are enough.

    It isn’t even necessary to be good enough. You are simply enough.

    We might need to remind ourselves of this often. After all, that inner critic has had a lifetime to develop.

    2. Slow down and take notice of your self-talk.

    What has your inner critic convinced you of? Explore this question with curiosity, not judgment or criticism.

    When we can do this with non-judgmental curiosity, we are able to see with clarity and compassion. We can begin to identify those things we tell ourselves that just make us feel worse and don’t change anything anyway. We can reduce our suffering, even in a naturally painful situation.

    3. Reevaluate your expectations.

    Have you made room for life? Do you have new information now that you didn’t have before? Are these expectations compatible with your priorities?

    When we can make our expectations more fluid, we have the freedom to live in the present moment, and enjoy it. We are free to decide what our life is about, and we are free to change our minds about this at any time.

    4. Get at the underlying fear.

    What are you really afraid of these “walls” revealing? Are these fears accurate?

    Quite often, our fears take the form of “what if” and “what this says about me.” Even when there appears to be a kernel of truth behind the fear (after all, it was true that I hadn’t painted that wall), there is more to the story. The belief that we are unworthy, irresponsible, weak, unlovable imposters is simply a fear, not a fact.

    5. Consider how this “wall” might be described in your biography.

    What is the whole story? How boring would the biography be if it were just about a wall?

    Perhaps we are focused on the small, inconsequential details of life. Perhaps we take our lives for granted. Intentionally taking a step back and really looking is how we get to appreciate the fullness of life.

    Although taking these steps requires the conscious effort to make a change, the result is far more rewarding than a newly painted wall could ever be.

    Photo by Graham

  • How to Reach Your Goals Faster: A Simple Technique to Try Today

    How to Reach Your Goals Faster: A Simple Technique to Try Today

    “Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and focus on what could go right.” ~Unknown

    I used to think that getting to a goal only required tangible action. It was a simple equation:

    • Study hard in high school = getting admission to a good university.
    • Or, diet + exercise = losing weight.

    Yet, life is not always that straightforward. It’s not always just about physical action.

    Just a few years ago, when I was building my first business, there was something getting in my way, something that had nothing to do with the physical action I took. It was worry.

    Building a business has the magical ability to bring any type of fear out in the open. Unexpectedly, I found myself thinking:

    • What if it doesn’t work?
    • What if my friends think I’m crazy?
    • What if it takes forever to get somewhere?
    • Why am I doing this?

    It wasn’t long before I realized that these types of thoughts were interfering with my progress. The more I focused on them, the less physical action I took for my business, and the more likely I was to feel burnt out.

    Most importantly, the more I worried, the more likely I was to take the wrong physical action, the action that would count more as “busywork” rather than “effective work.”

    I knew I had to find a solution out of this. Ugh. “If I were a robot, then I wouldn’t have any of these problems!” I thought.

    Think about it: If we were robots, then these simple physical action equations would actually work. We would wake up in the morning, do our thing, stick to our schedule, and lo and behold, our dreams would materialize. No struggle, no “I don’t feel like doing it,” no distractions, no “What if it doesn’t work?”

    If we were robots, then our productivity would be close to 100%, and we would achieve our dreams two times, four times, maybe even ten times faster! Plus, we would get there without struggle. Aahh, that sounds so nice.

    I realized that physical action was no longer enough. We also need to be in the right state of mind—let me say, the “robot” state of mind.

    If we only take physical action, then we’ll only be working harder for nothing. For example, if you want a promotion, you don’t to only work harder; you also need to communicate your accomplishments so that others know how valuable your contributions are.

    However, if you’re afraid to stand up for yourself, then you’ll be left feeling unappreciated and undervalued.

    So to get the promotion, yes, you need to work harder, but you also need to overcome your fear of standing up for yourself. If you only work harder, then despite your hard work, you’ll still not get the promotion.

    So the winning equation is: Work harder + develop ability to stand up for yourself = promotion.

    If you think like a robot, then you’ll stand up for yourself in full confidence. No problem! If you don’t think like a robot, then all sorts of second-guessing glitches may come up.

    But let me clarify: By robot, I’m not referring to deactivating our feelings. Au contraire! We need feelings to march forward. We need excitement and optimism. We even need worry sometimes. What we don’t need though is excessive worry.

    Worrying about an issue for five minutes and then doing something to solve it isn’t excessive worrying. When we worry about things we can’t control, ask “What if this and that?” and second-guess ourselves, we just get in our own way.

    But how do you worry less? How do you turn self-doubt? How do you think more like robot? The answer lies in this Master Technique.

    Here’s what happens when you don’t think like a robot:

    Say you want to get leaner and fitter. You go to a yoga class where everyone is doing better than you.

    You start thinking, “I’m so unfit, I will never become as good as they are.”

    After an hour of berating yourself about not being fit already, you leave the class feeling exhausted, intending to never go back.

    Your mind is stopping you from getting to your fitter and leaner dreams.

    Now here’s how you’ll get yourself back to thinking like a robot, if only you use this Master Technique.

    Use “The BUT Technique” to Reach Your Goals Faster

    With “The But Technique,” you don’t let destructive thoughts stop you.

    How much time are you already spending judging yourself or worrying?

    Two hours every day? Maybe 50% of your workday and 80% of your free time?

    Once you start practicing this technique, you’ll instead spend this time on things that actually make you productive. Why?

    Because negativity, or just aimless worrying, will no longer stop you! You’ll be unleashed! A force of nature!

    How does “The BUT Technique” work?

    “I’m so unfit, I will never become as good as they are.”

    But…

    • Today I worked out more than yesterday.
    • It’s unfair to compare my own first day to other people’s 1,000th day.
    • My body no longer feels rusty, and people in the class seemed supportive, not judgmental.
    • Other people used to be in exactly the same unfit situation as mine, but they found a way to get fitter. If they did it, I should be able to do it too.
    • The walk to the yoga studio was enjoyable, as today’s sunshine was precious.
    • I’ve been in other unfavorable situations in the past, and I managed to turn them around. I should be able to do that with fitness as well.
    • Maybe this class was advanced and I should try something easier at first, so that I get to focus more on getting the poses right, and less on how clumsy I look in the mirror.

    Please notice:

    • With every new “but,” you’ll feel better and better. You’ll feel relief. The more “buts” you include, the more positive mental action you’ll take and the happier you’ll be by the end of the exercise.
    • By taking positive mental action, you’ll stop discouraging yourself from pursuing your dreams. Instead, you’ll encourage yourself to keep going. You might even make yourself feel excited about the delightful life that is in front of you! Now that’s how you become 20, 50, or 100% happier!
    • Make practicing this Master Technique a habit, and you’ll become the happiest person you know. You’ll become unstoppable!

    Why This Technique is So Powerful

    The “But” Technique doesn’t fight with your negative, discouraging thoughts. Doing so would leave you feeling worse than before. Instead, it accepts them and then it moves you forward.

    So yes you are unfit…but…but…but…but…

    And then with every “but” you feel better, until you’re able to say, “Everything is alright” and actually believe it.
    And that’s exactly how you take mental action to achieve your dreams. The more you practice it, the more you can act like a robot—in a good way! 

    I’m now using this technique almost daily. Whenever I find myself worrying about anything, I immediately pull it out of my toolbox. Yes, I worry, but, but, but…

    So now it’s your turn to practice this technique! Take any negative worrisome thought and add but, but, but. Let me know how it works!

  • How to Overcome the Pain of Rejection

    How to Overcome the Pain of Rejection

    “Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” ~Sonya Parker 

    Hearing this word probably makes you think of not being good enough or not reaching certain standards. As unpleasant as it is, rejection is part of life, and my life is no exception.

    From being the last to be chosen to join the volleyball team to receiving a college admissions response in the dreaded “thin envelope,” I quickly learned that not everybody thought the highest of me.

    As years went by and I took on more risks, I invited more rejection into my life. The boy I crushed on for months only wanted to be friends. Another candidate was selected for my dream job. Many literary agents thought my manuscript wasn’t a good fit for them.

    And eventually, I endured the ultimate form of rejection: The man who promised to be by my side till “death do us part” changed his mind.

    One of the most famous statements by renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow is that self-actualizers are “independent of the good opinion of other people.”

    Even though so many of us have heard Maslow’s or a similar statement, rejection continues to bring up our most negative emotions. We feel ashamed and inadequate, and wonder whether something is seriously wrong with us.

    A recent social research study shows that the same regions of the brain that become active during painful sensory experiences are also activated when we experience social rejection.

    Rejection literally hurts.

    What to do? How do we lessen the pain? How do we join the ranks of Maslow’s self-actualizers?

    Here is what I’ve learned.

    Rejection is negative judgment manifested, and judgment is subjective by nature.

    This means you can decide to interpret rejection as evidence of someone’s perception rather than as evidence of your flawed nature.

    The area rug that is beautiful to your best friend might be hideous to you, and that’s okay. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but an opinion doesn’t determine whether a rug is truly pretty or ugly. The rug just is.

    The same principle applies to opinions about everything else, including people’s opinions about you.

    People who reject you are the minority.

    Estimate how many people you’ve met in your entire life. Count the number of people who have severely rejected you. Divide the second number by the first, and you’ll see how the result rarely exceeds 1%.

    Is 1% significant? If you only drink 1% milk, you feel your diet is healthful because after all, 1% milk fat is almost nothing, correct?

    I’ve met thousands of people throughout my life, and even though I have received a fair deal of moderate rejection, only a couple of people have rejected me in such a way that seriously challenged my self-identity.

    Bottom line, extreme rejection is usually the exception.

    The intensity of your negative emotions will depend on the degree of attention you place on the rejection.

    You can be aware of the unpleasant experience, but if you don’t focus on it, you’ll take away its power.

    Place your attention on the positive feedback and support you receive from others. Being consciously aware of the people who have encouraged you will allow you to align with high-energy emotions and positive situations.

    Rejection can be an instrument for learning and growth.

    Although rejection is subjective, you could decide to use the experience as an opportunity to contemplate your current behaviors, and determine ways to grow and become a better person.

    Rejection from potential employers became my motivation to review my resume and enroll in professional development courses.

    The feedback I received from literary agents propelled me to bring my writing craft to the next level.

    My husband’s decision to leave our marriage moved me to help others going through a similar situation.

    Rejection is a sign you’re experiencing life to the fullest.

    Chances are, if you had chosen to hide under the covers and had not pursued the friendship, career, contest, or relationship, you wouldn’t have experienced rejection.

    But you wouldn’t have completely experienced life either.

    Learn to see rejection as proof that you’re brave enough to take on risks and to participate in the wide realm of experiences available on this planet. Feel empowered by what you have accomplished.

    The only approval that truly matters is your self-approval.

    Your self-love and respect for your uniqueness will trump the negative emotions brought up by rejection.

    Once you’re conscious of your magnificence, rejection will lose its power.

    You might not feel happy about being rejected, but you will bounce back quickly.

    Most importantly, you’ll continue embracing life, pursuing your truth, and focusing on the many gifts in your past, present, and future.

  • Buddha Doodles: The Master of Your Destiny

    Buddha Doodles: The Master of Your Destiny

    Master Of Your Destiny

    Source: Buddha Doodles

  • Find Happiness Now Instead of Chasing It in the Future

    Find Happiness Now Instead of Chasing It in the Future

    Happy

    “You can only grow if you’re willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” ~Brian Tracy

    I found myself at a crossroads last year. I had reached the end of my time in college, and I had no post-graduation commitments.

    I was working at the time on my applications to medical school, as I have wanted to become a doctor for a long time. However, I knew that medical schools are inundated with qualified applicants every year, but only have a few seats to offer. Thus, my vision of myself as a doctor still seemed to be only a dream, and I didn’t see myself on the path toward becoming a doctor yet.

    Paradoxically, during this commitment-free time, my realization that an infinite number of paths were available paralyzed me. What if I made a wrong turn?

    I searched for clues as to which path might be best for me.

    I first observed the doctors I had met as an example of what my life could become. Fear and anxiety manifested as a “negativity lens” that altered my field of vision. I found fault with every doctor I encountered, even the ones who were happy with their career—so many more were burnt-out, insisting that I still had time to change my mind.

    I was scared of becoming like them. I decided to mentally let go of my commitment to this career path as I imagined other possibilities. Perhaps I could be a stay-at-home mom instead, or maybe a chef, as I had always loved to cook.

    I looked to each of the two aforementioned types of people for inspiration again. Unsurprisingly, I hated everything I saw. My blue-tinted binoculars were in full effect as I looked ahead on the path to becoming a full-time family woman, leading a life plagued by a lack of fulfillment and resentment.

    I explored the path to becoming a chef and saw myself dealing with ungrateful customers and having no freedom to be creative in what I cooked.

    None of the paths had a surefire destination of happiness. As I noticed myself judging everything so harshly and reflected on why I was doing so, I realized that I had convinced myself that the path I chose could lead me to a state of mind that I didn’t already have.

    My paranoia over becoming unhappy in the future had become my way of avoiding my present unhappiness.  

    Once I became aware of this unhappiness, my first reaction was to judge myself. Self-judgment for me was a persistent, angry voice in my head that screamed and berated me for wallowing and being pathetic.

    When I explored why I judge myself, it seemed to stem from a discomfort with who I am as a person. I didn’t like myself.

    This led me to deny and change my every quality in a quest for perfection.

    For instance, I tend to be introverted in nature. I recognized this in myself, called myself (and listened when others called me) words like a loner and a recluse, and alternated between pushing myself so far out of my comfort zone in social situations that I felt inauthentic and fake, and withdrawing deeply within to a place of self-loathing.

    I couldn’t see that being introverted is just a personality trait that is associated both with positives and negatives, and that if I embraced it and stopped trying to twist it, I would feel natural.

    Once I recognized how deeply the negative self-talk went, I was able to start changing. Since it seemed to stem from not knowing who I am, I started by identifying my core traits.  

    The first time I attempted to explore this, I was so confused and uncertain that I couldn’t come up with a single trait. Self-judgment had made me fearful of being anything at all.

    I talked to friends and family who know me well, and sifted through things I had written both recently and further into the past, to remind myself of who I am at my core. I wrote them down, acknowledging both the good and the bad associated with them.

    Every morning, I practiced saying the things that I am to myself. It felt awkward at first, but eventually became natural as I practiced it more and more.

    I also became aware of the messages I directed at myself throughout the day. Many were cruel, full of blame for how I wasn’t “enough.” Especially in the aftermath of a situation that I wished had gone differently, my inner voice yelled and put me down.

    I was unsure of how to change until I thought of how I would speak to someone I love. If I had a friend who was in my position, would I have blamed her for her feelings and screamed until she “surrendered” to happiness? Absolutely not.  

    I started cultivating a new voice in my mind, one that didn’t shout but was gentle and caring the way a good friend is. I feared that I would let myself go entirely and spiral into laziness if I “coddled” myself.

    As I continued to develop this new voice, I began to realize the difference between coddling and being kind. I am still allowed to have expectations for myself, but instead of beating myself down when I don’t meet an expectation, I explore it by listening to my inner kind-but-firm voice.

    With this practice, too, I notice that I judge others less. It seems that practicing self-compassion is allowing me to be truly empathetic toward others, instead of outwardly compassionate while silently judging as I once was.

    Nonetheless, judgments about others still arise in my mind on occasion, but I am better able to notice them, examine where they might be coming from, and then dismiss them.

    Through this practice of being kind to myself, I now see that happiness is available to me right now instead of waiting at the end of some path.

    With this newfound positivity, I choose to continue moving toward realizing my goal of becoming a doctor. After I submitted my applications and found a few moments of stillness while I waited for responses, I reflected and questioned again if I felt right on this path.

    In truth, now that I have a positive state of mind and am experiencing joy much more readily, I could choose any path and be happy. However, I still arrived at the same conclusion: I not only want, but I feel called to become a doctor.

    This time, that answer is enough for me to move forward with confidence because practicing kindness is helping me develop trust in myself.

    I recognize that the road to becoming an MD will present many challenges, many of which cannot be predicted from where I stand now, and that’s okay.  I feel confident in my ability to handle those challenges because now, I can recognize when fear is starting to ensnare me.

    Instead of blaming myself for feeling fear, I have the strongest tools available—love and kindness—to free me from that grip, examine myself and my circumstances, and consciously move forward.

    To anyone who can relate to any aspect of my story, I encourage you to hit “pause” throughout the day. Notice your actions and your feelings. Always allow yourself the opportunity to ask, “Why? Why am I acting or feeling this way?”

    I invite you also to notice the tone in which you address yourself. If you find that the tone in which you ask yourself “why?” carries disgust or judgment, the way I did, do not lose hope. You can cultivate self-compassion and self-kindness.

    In moments where you regress to old habits, of which I have had many, try not to dwell on how you have “failed.” Instead, allow yourself to learn from the setback, remember the progress you have made, and approach your practice of self-compassion with renewed energy.

    Photo by Mustafa Khayat

  • How to Turn Pain into Strength and Wisdom

    How to Turn Pain into Strength and Wisdom

    River Man

    “The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.” ~Unknown

    Some would say that when it rains, it pours—a fitting statement for the events that have recently taken place in my life.

    In mid-September my life took an unexpected turn. My wife, to whom I had been married for only four months (having been together for six years prior), had been acting strangely toward me.

    She was suffering from fits of depression that would range from her sobbing on the couch to sitting by the fireplace, drinking heavily while listening to songs that would make your heart break into pieces.

    I did everything I could to try and get her through this depression—date nights, random events—but nothing seemed to work.

    Meanwhile, life wasn’t through drizzling on me.

    My grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 heart failure and her time was short. This was going to be the first time that I would experience death in my family, so I was distraught over facing such a strenuous reality.

    To fear death is natural in human beings. It’s the only certainty that we face. “Challenging” would be an understatement to describe the hurricane that was bellowing in me.

    When my grandmother passed in early October, it was strange. I was extremely sad and yet happy to see she was no longer suffering. Then I felt guilty for feeling happy at all for her death.

    Having no control over my emotions was exhausting. I was at my weakest and I needed my wife to help me through it. Unfortunately, she was taking solitude in the comfort of another man.

    I caught her late at night talking to a coworker about how she longed for him, how she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She was surrounded by a graveyard of empty beer bottles and even more cigarette butts. I waited up all night for her to wake up from blacking out to explain her actions.

    When she woke and I confronted her, she yelled, “I’m bored with my marriage!” which floored me. Immediately, she begged and pleaded for me not to leave and promised that this would never happen again.

    I gave her several chances to prove that she would change her actions. Finally, at Christmas, after I moved out and all her chances expired, she admitted to sleeping with the coworker. It was over. Two weeks later I filed for divorce.

    With the final divorce hearing approaching, my grandfather (husband to my late grandmother) also passed away. For some reason, this news didn’t have the same impact on me as when my grandmother passed.

    Was it because I’d loved her more? Was it because I’d become heartless? Was it because of my impending divorce? Or was it because I had become so numb from everything that I finally reached a breaking point and collapsed emotionally? The answer to them all was no.

    It dawned on me as if waking from a dream. Learning to manage my emotions in the proper way, by allowing myself to embrace reality, gave me a strength that will define me for the future. I was becoming a new, empowered being.

    The rain had been thoroughly pounding me on the head. But now, I have learned, the rain was treating me like a flower, preparing me to bloom.

    I have become more adaptive to the painful emotions due to all of my experiences. That doesn’t mean I’m invulnerable to them—far from it, actually. It simply means that the knowledge I have now will allow me to face future challenges wisely.

    When life keeps giving you its toughest blows, it will help to:

    Fully experience your emotions.

    The largest mistake people make is masking their emotions. This is counterproductive and will lead to health problems in the future.

    When each emotion comes, feel it. Your body will tell you when it’s enough. Cry, scream, and cry again. Let it out and submit to the beginning of a process that will take time to complete. To feel is to be human, embrace it!

    Challenge your perspective.

    Life isn’t always going to be on a downward spiral. When it is, you can find ways to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Perspective plays a key role in acceptance. Here is what I used to help:

    In regards to my grandfather’s death, I told myself: He was a WWII vet and lived a full life for over nine decades; he wasn’t able to take care of himself and quality of life was lacking; and he was finally together with my grandmother again.

    In regards to my dissolving marriage, I told myself: I deserve better than how I was treated; there was nothing more I could do; and I was being dragged down to dangerous depths, and now I was free.

    Surround yourself with the right influences.

    During these times you’ll find out, like I did, that there are some people you can count on and some you can’t. Take this opportunity to weed out those in your life that may be holding you back.

    For those who have family and friends to lean on, use them. If you don’t have anyone to lean on, reach out to a therapist. I have a great therapist and family. I cherish them. If that doesn’t work, focus on building new positive relationships. I’ve made several new friends lately that have been a breath of fresh air in my life.

    Stay (or become) active and avoid negative coping mechanisms.

    It’s useless to focus all your energy on events that you no longer have control over. Instead of wasting time in this way, get active in your everyday life. See how you feel after a week of jogging for ten minutes a day. Jogging not your thing? Find something else. Get interested in an activity that gives you a spark.

    Meanwhile, if you are dealing with depression, sadness, or anger, stay away from alcohol and substances, which will only magnify your pain. You are not “drowning” your sorrows. Instead, you are providing them with fuel.

    Accept and forgive.

    Holding onto hatred and resentment only poisons you. It keeps you forever trapped in the past, focusing on an element that you’re letting define who you are today. Learn to let go.

    This is easier said than done, of course, and it’s not something that will happen overnight, either. The only way to truly learn to let go is let time heal. You’ll know when you get there.

    Accepting that life will eventually knock you hard on your rear is a stepping stone to growth. Constantly trying to avoid hardship and pain will only prove detrimental to you.

    Despite all the pain I experienced in a six-month timeframe, I now see this beautiful world we live in through an exciting new lens.

    Each experience, each moment that you have is precious and dear. I challenge you to make the best out of even the worst circumstances. Like me, you may be amazed at the power, wisdom, and strength you gain after maintaining a positive drive.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • The Best Way to Help Someone Who’s Grieving (Including Yourself)

    The Best Way to Help Someone Who’s Grieving (Including Yourself)

    “Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.” ~Walter Anderson

    Yesterday marked the second anniversary of my stepmother passing away. I still remember that day vividly; I remember going to work like it was any other day, mulling over life, and then making my journey back home from work. As I walked into my apartment building I received the call from my dad to tell me the news.

    I went inside, got changed, laid on my bed, and sobbed for hours until my flatmate came home and consoled me.

    He then so thoughtfully drove me over to my sister’s place, as he knew I needed to be with my family, and still to this day I am in gratitude to him, as I was in shock and didn’t know what I needed at that point in time.

    The topic of grief is very close to my heart for a few reasons, partly because my family and I experienced grief in so many different forms over the past two years, because I am still in the process of grieving the loss of a relationship, and also because I don’t think it is talked about openly often enough.

    Grief is looked at as this icky, foreign, forbidden feeling when it is a perfectly normal part of life, and something that almost every person has or will experience in this lifetime.

    While different people experience grief in different ways, there are universal themes that we can all relate to, such as the feeling of loss, hurt, and anger; and I am passionate about people feeling and being supported through the grieving process.

    Yesterday I watched a beautiful video on dealing with grief, and the parts that resonated with me the most were around the concept of dealing with and accepting grief, and also how to be there for someone who is grieving.

    When someone experiences grief, whether through the death of someone, or the loss of a relationship, job, or pet, there is no such thing as dealing with it or coming to terms with it.

    The reality is, we actually don’t ever fully accept it or come to terms with it because we feel that if we accept it, that makes it okay.        

    Sometimes we portray to the outside world that we are okay, happy, and dealing with it just fine when, in fact, we might not be. The world wants to see that we are doing okay and getting our “mojo” back because if we’re okay, that makes everybody else feel okay because they don’t have to see us in pain. And ah, the sigh of relief they can breathe.

    Flowing on from this is the topic of how we can help someone who is grieving.

    When someone we know is grieving, our natural human instinct is to try to cheer them up because we don’t want to see our nearest and dearest in pain.

    However, in essence, what we are actually doing is invalidating how that person feels (unintentionally) because we want them to feel better.

    I know from recent personal experience there have been times when I have wanted, needed to talk about my grief to friends and family but have felt forced to suppress it because of the discomfort it may extend onto other people.

    It’s as though there’s a big elephant in the room, which everybody knows is there, but doesn’t feel comfortable enough to look in the eye.

    The most supportive and kindest thing we can do when we know someone who is grieving is to be with their grieving.

    So often we try to change how they are feeling, distract them from the pain, or cheer them up, but the best thing we can do, as a supporter, is to just be with them, however they show up on the day.

    Sometimes this might mean they want to see you, sometimes they might not, and other times they might want to be surrounded by as many people as possible.

    Allow it, don’t fight it, and be okay with seeing that person in pain; you are giving them the gift of healing by doing this.

    Focus on compassion, humility, and presence.

    In times of grief, I encourage you to show up as your authentic self, which in turn gives others the permission to do the same, whether we are the griever or the supporter.

    Whatever the catalyst for your grief, it absolutely must be expressed rather than supressed, whether the loss occurred yesterday, last month, or last year.

    The painful and harsh reality is that we will never get back what we had, but eventually we will form a new normal, and we form that new normal as an expanded version of ourselves.

    Allowing ourselves to go through the grieving process and express whatever emotions arise is a truly beautiful thing, because what’s on the other side of that grief is the ability to see the blessing and lesson; we begin to see the gift of this life we have been left to live and the sheer importance of making every day count.

    So, if I may, I’d like to leave you with this.

    How are you going to make today count, this moment, and this very minute?

  • The Stage of Grief You’ve Never Heard of But May Be Stuck In

    The Stage of Grief You’ve Never Heard of But May Be Stuck In

    “Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin

    Since I was a little girl I have believed in the power of wishes. I’ve never missed a first star, a dandelion plume, or load of hay (load of hay, load of hay, make a wish and turn away) to express to the universe my deepest desires.

    When I was fifteen and my dad was at the end stages of cancer, I would wish on the first star, not to save him, but to plead a peaceful end. Since my oldest son passed away very unexpectedly in October of 2010, I have made hundreds of wishes to remember every detail I can about the boy who was the other half of my heart.

    In the three years since Brandon’s death, I believe my wish to keep his memory alive have been answered by learning to turn my “whys” into “hows.”

    Asking “why” isn’t one of the official stages of grief, but maybe it should be. Anger and denial get all the attention, while getting stuck in the “why” freezes you in your tracks and prevents any opportunity for growth or movement toward healing.

    Not being able to let go of needing to know “why” forces you to focus on the rear view mirror. It keeps you in the past and prevents you from living in a way that honors the person or thing you have lost.

    It’s in my nature to ask why. “Why” can be a powerful question that leads to clarity and progress. It can also be a roadblock in the one-way traffic of life.

    Life doesn’t come with reverse, only neutral and various speeds of forward progress. “Why” firmly plants us in neutral, and that’s where I was in the months after Brandon’s death.

    I obsessed over the “why.” My brain whirled at sonic speed looking for it. I assumed if I found the “why,” I would find comfort and would be able to pick up the pieces and move on. I came up with elaborate theories of why Brandon died.

    Brandon was home on leave from the Army when he passed away, but was scheduled to be deployed within the next few months. I spun that into my favorite “why theory,” that dying at home saved him some horrible combat death in Afghanistan.

    It made me feel better, briefly, but I was still left with the bigger question that would never be answered—why did it have to happen at all?

    “What’s your why?” has become a motivational catch phrase. I remember seeing an inspirational quote on Pinterest after Brandon died, with a picture of a scantily clad, fit chick with “What’s your why?” typed beneath her sculpted abs. I shouted at her in the quiet of my room to eff-off—my “why” died!

    “What’s your why?” sounds absurd to the grieving person, and it’s not comforting!

    Not only had my “why” died, I also found myself pleading with the universe for the explanation to “why this happened. “Why” is a question with no answer when it comes to loss. “Why” offers more questions than comfort.

    Another word that isn’t included in the official grief process, but again, I think it should be, is “how.” “How” explores possibilities. “How” shines a light into the future. Exploring “how” to live a life that honors the memory of my son made my wishes come true.

    After realizing being stuck in “why” would never ease the pain of losing him, I began to realize that how I live the rest of my life is the outward manifestation of my son’s spirit.

    It is the only way anyone will ever get to know my son, and the only way I can keep his memory alive. If I continued to live in the “why,” I would diminish his memory, but by living in the “how” I magnify his memory by my actions.

    It doesn’t make the grief go away; rather, it ignites my grief as a powerful vessel for change.

    My “how” is manifested in cultivating a life of adventure and using radical self-care to ensure that I have the energy to embrace a life that reflects Brandon’s best qualities.

    It is a labor of love for my son that I embrace life, take risks, be courageous, pay it forward, and act in a way that makes people ask what I’ve been smoking. My actions are how I keep the memory of my son alive; it is how my wish has been granted.

    If you or a loved one is stuck in the “why,” let it go—it simply doesn’t exist. It’s time to live in the “how.”

  • The Most Powerful Way to Resolve Conflicts in Relationships

    The Most Powerful Way to Resolve Conflicts in Relationships

    “The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~Jack Kornfield

    I was all set to float effortlessly through life on a cloud of peace. I was trained mediator, had a Masters Degree in Peace Education, led workshops on constructively managing conflicts, and had a lifelong interest in creating interpersonal understanding. Yet, here I was, ready to wring his neck.

    I’ve found it’s always easier to help others solve their conflicts than it is to deal with your own—there’s none of that pesky “emotional intensity” or “personal baggage” getting in the way.

    People sought me out for help with their conflicts, but when I felt attacked or threatened, it was suddenly a whole other ball game.

    When we first started dating, I found that there were things that my husband would do or say that left me feeling really upset, and my responses definitely weren’t constructive. Embarrassingly, my go-to was “the silent treatment.” Sigh.

    Logically, I knew better. More importantly, I had spent years building the skills to do better. So, why wasn’t I using what I knew?

    Simple answer: I didn’t want to. All the skills, knowledge, and tools in the world mean nothing if I lacked the intention to use them.

    So, then the next obvious question is: Why didn’t I want to?

    In conflict literature, there’s a term called a “retaliatory spiral.” As humans, we have a tendency to retaliate to hostile behavior with an even higher level of hostility, thus escalating the conflict.

    Furthermore, even if neither person wants an escalation, each one feels entirely justified in their response, based on how they were treated. It’s the same principle as giving someone “a taste of their own medicine,” and it leads to conflicts that spiral out of control, becoming harder and harder to resolve.

    Clearly this kind of behavior is destructive, yet we’ve all done it at some point and have probably felt pretty justified in doing so.

    See, some kinds of conflict threaten our sense of self. The fact that another person seems to have the power to hurt us makes us feel weak, unstable, and unsafe.

    In order to defend this sense of self and feel stronger, we may attempt demonstrate our own power to hurt them back. Mature? No. Helpful? Definitely not. Kind of understandable? Yes.

    Personally, I hated how vulnerable I felt when my husband did something that hurt my feelings. I felt scared that he had the power to make me feel so upset.

    Giving him the cold shoulder felt like a way to hide this “weakness” and assert my own power to hurt him. It also was a way to protect my ego, because by not talking things out I could avoid challenging my current belief system, thus maintaining the belief that I was right and he was wrong.

    So even though I had all the hard-earned communication and conflict resolution skills I needed to work through the problem, create increased communication, and build understanding, I wasn’t going to use them; creating increased understanding and connection wasn’t my intention. My intention was to defend myself. So that’s exactly what I did.

    The problem was that by focusing on defending myself, I was basically putting all my energy into avoiding what I didn’t want—pain and suffering—instead of into creating what I actually did want. Deep down, I wanted way more than simply not getting hurt, but I wasn’t working toward it.

    What I desired was a relationship of trust, honesty, and openness; one where we each had the courage to share what we were really feeling, and would listen to one another with an intent to understand rather than judge. One where we would have compassion for each other’s failings and work to strengthen one another (even when we were upset) rather than tear each other down.

    This was the future I really wanted for us, and I knew that my current responses to our conflicts, while easy and comfortable, weren’t going to get us there.

    So I started to shift my intention. Instead of having it be about protecting myself in the moment, my intention became to respond to conflicts in a way that would set a foundation for the kind of beautiful future relationship I envisioned.

    It was only then that I was able to start putting all my conflict resolution knowledge and skills to use.

    That isn’t to say that it was easy. Actually, it was hard, especially in the beginning.

    It required me opening up when I felt most vulnerable. Moving toward, when I wanted to retreat. Taking responsibility for my part, when I wanted to dump the blame on him. Trying to listen with compassion when I felt frustrated or fed up. But, with a clear intention in mind, I did all these things and more.

    Now, looking back, I’m so glad I did.

    Today, one of the things my husband and I most prize about our relationship is the way we communicate with one another, especially during conflicts. We do all the things I had envisioned when I first set my intention, and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment in knowing that this was no accident, but something we consciously created.

    Intentions can be conscious or unconscious, but everything you say or do will be based on an intention.

    We all have a lower self that operates mainly from a place of fear, weakness, and limitations; and a higher self, one operating from a place of love, strength, and creativity. Before engaging in a conflict, I recommend setting a clear intention that is aligned with your values and the desires of your higher self.

    Here’s some questions I ask myself in order to do this. I call it the “Where, Who, What, How” model.

    Where is my focus? Is it short-term or long-term? Is it based in love or fear?

    Who do I want to be? What kinds of qualities do I want to embody?

    What do I want to create?

    How do I want others to perceive or describe me?

    —

    What’s helped you work through conflict in your relationships?

  • Learning to Speak Up: You Deserve to Meet Your Needs

    Learning to Speak Up: You Deserve to Meet Your Needs

    “Ask for what you want. Give other people the opportunity to say ‘yes.’ Stop saying ‘no’ for them. “ ~Roger Ellerton

    I never realized until very recently exactly how hard it’s been for me to speak up for my needs. To ask for what I require and want. I honestly don’t know how I’ve navigated through life.

    Let me rephrase that: I’ve managed life by being very passive, ignoring my own desires. Then that small grain of resentment would build into frustration, and I would explode.

    I became a fiery and angry woman. I expressed my needs in a destructive manner, ranting and raving and writing emotional emails and text messages. It’s no wonder people didn’t take me seriously or listen!

    “Tammy’s having a freak out,” they’d say, or “Tammy’s in a mood.”

    This only compounded my anger and frustration.

    What a vicious cycle I was living. Inner peace was difficult when I couldn’t ask people for what I required. I’m not talking about needs like asking for the salt across the table. I’m talking about emotional needs, financial needs, and needs in the workplace and in relationships.

    If I was speaking up on behalf of someone else, that was easy for me. It just wasn’t easy for me to express my needs.

    This revelation about this pattern has become crystal clear over the past few weeks, and more so the past few days.

    Hubby and I have renovations being done, with a big monetary investment. The tiling was not acceptable. There were big gaps. Some were not aligned properly. Some were jutting out over others. It was not flush. It was not up to our expectations or in alliance with the money we paid.

    Something had to be said. I work from home, so I’m the one to communicate our dissatisfaction. A fear came over me. I felt physically sick. I didn’t want to hurt the tiler’s feelings.

    He’s a nice young man and is very pleasant to chat with. However, the work wasn’t up to standard. How could I say this? My goodness, how my stomach churned, and my head began to ache.

    I didn’t have time to be passive (which is my normal pattern—to let things slide). This is a building site, and if I wait, it will be much too late, and we’ll be stuck with shoddy work. I had to speak up.

    This broke my lifelong pattern of suppressing my emotions, needs, and desires. With no anger, resentment, or bitterness built up, my communication was much more relaxed, loving, and friendly. I was able to write initially and then discuss our concerns in a very amicable and approachable manner.

    Although I was nervous and anxious, time restraints forced me to take immediate action to remedy the situation. What a beautiful lesson from the universe.

    Needless to say, because I was able to bring up our issues and concerns lovingly at the moment the problem arose, they were resolved quickly. Can you imagine if I’d waited until I was so angry and upset that I exploded?

    Can you imagine how the people would have reacted if I fell into my usual pattern of waiting until I crack? I know from experience that it would not have been friendly or helpful. It would have spiraled out of control, with everyone feeling negative and horrible.

    What insight for me! I never realized my issues came back to me being unable or unwilling to speak up for what I needed.

    I surmise this comes from observing my mother growing up, who is a meek lady who’d much rather go without or put up with stuff to keep the peace. I also observed my father, who is volatile and more aggressive in nature. If things go wrong, his first reaction is anger, with a lot of swearing and cursing.

    Neither of these is the best model for coping with life, so I’ve developed my own way, which hasn’t served me well.

    The universe has given me a clear and concise lesson. It’s one that I’ve had many times over and failed to learn. The amount of incidences I can reflect upon and link to my inability to speak up for a need that wasn’t being met is staggering. Thank goodness the universe is patient. I’ve grappled with outbursts for years.

    I know I will overcome this issue. I will speak up lovingly, at the moment something is annoying me or not serving a need. I also know that the universe will provide me with many occasions to put into practice my newfound wisdom just to show me how far I’ve come.

    We are all capable of speaking up, and even the meekest person must learn to do it.

    When you suppress your true feelings, they don’t disappear or go away; they transform into something else. For me, they transform into explosive anger. Other people’s suppressed emotions manifest into depression, anxiety, or some other physical illness.

    A dear friend of mine gets mouth ulcers when she’s holding back her true opinions and not voicing them. It’s not healthy to “keep the peace” at all costs, and why should you?

    You are worth it, and you deserve things to be right for you. Speaking up for your needs does not make you a difficult person. It means you respect yourself and know that you deserve better than what you are receiving.

  • How to Stop Hurting When You Feel Like You’ve Been Wronged

    How to Stop Hurting When You Feel Like You’ve Been Wronged

    “At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~Christine Mason Miller

    Several months ago my partner’s father (we’ll call him D) verbally attacked me. A couple weeks later it happened again, except this time it was more aggressive and more personal.

    When I calmly told him that his behavior was unacceptable, he became angry and spent the next several months using every tool in his vast arsenal to put space between my partner and me.

    And for a while it worked.

    Suddenly I found myself constantly obsessed over the confrontation, playing it back in my head like a bad movie that wouldn’t quit. I was sad all the time over the continued aggression, as well as the loss of the illusions I had unconsciously subscribed to. (“But we’re a family!” and “It’s supposed to be different than this!”)

    Most importantly, though, I found myself removed from the happy, joyful person I was before. Instead, I was consumed by feeling angry, wronged, and resentful, seemingly unable to climb out of the hole of alienation and anger.

    We all want to be accepted, seen, and loved, but it’s hard to feel any of those things when we’re too busy feeling victimized or picked on.

    There’s no doubt that my partner’s father was out of line and that his behavior was disrespectful and hurtful, but there’s also no doubt that I allowed myself to be affected by it.

    We’ve all heard that nothing ever goes away until it’s taught us what we need to know, and now that I’ve learned my lessons, I can tell you about some of the ways I was able to move past the anger and hurt:

    1. Remember that people who seek to make others miserable are miserable themselves.

    Most of us couldn’t imagine consciously attempting to tear down another human being through our words, and that’s because most of us are not in a place of such deeply rooted despair and self-loathing.

    I had a very hard time understanding the hurtful things D said to me, and for many months I insisted on making it about my own inadequacy and wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him.

    This went on until I came to understand that a person who is so accustomed to violence from within does not know how to function without creating external violence as well.

    Understanding this does not excuse the action of the aggressor, but by recognizing the source of the aggression, we can choose to extend compassion and understanding rather than returned aggression and venom.

    2. Just do right.

    As D’s attacks continued to get more and more violent, my partner’s family began to push me to appease D in order to smooth things over. The thing about this approach, however, is that although smoothing things over would’ve been expedient, it wasn’t exactly right; and as such, I didn’t want to do it.

    I wanted to hold out. I wanted to insist upon better treatment, yes, but mostly I felt the need to stay true to myself and to uphold my own moral standards. As author Maya Angelou has said, “Right may not be expedient, it may not be profitable, but it will satisfy your soul. It will give you the kind of protection that bodyguards cannot provide.” And, of course, she’s right.

    Part of freeing ourselves from the anger and resentment that surrounds negativity is to not allow ourselves to be altered by negativity. We may experience great external pressure to “go along to get along,” but, at the end of the day, it’s more important to act in a way that you can look back upon proudly.

    3. Set boundaries.

    It may seem like an oxymoron, but it is possible to establish and maintain compassionate boundaries. I couldn’t completely walk away from D because of his proximity and relationship to my partner, but I could make it very clear that I would not accept such attacks in the future.

    By making our mental, emotional, and physical space into a safe harbor, we can carefully control what is allowed to enter our hearts and minds.

    We might not be able to transform the person trying to harm us, and indeed it is not our job to do so, but by insisting upon the creation of a safe space, we make the tiny spot of earth upon which we stand a better place and consequently, we render ourselves less available for hurtful attacks in the future.

    4. Stay calm; stay true.

    I had to fight to stay calm many times during the months following D’s attacks. Part of me wanted so badly to return venom, but looking back, I’m glad I never did.

    As we all know, it’s easy to lose our heads when we are faced with an intensely emotional situation, especially one that feels like an assault on our dignity. But returning aggression for aggression ultimately does not serve us and, indeed, only serves to fuel the fire of the aggressor.

    The best thing we can do when we feel overwhelmed with intense emotion is to transport ourselves mentally to a place five years down the road, look back at the situation, decide what type of action would make us proud in the future, and then act that way.

    Getting angry might feel like a release in the moment, but that’s a false sense of righteousness. It’s better to state your truth quietly and calmly and remove yourself from the situation. By doing this, we refuse to allow ourselves to be transformed by the intensity of the emotions; instead, we act in a way that allows us to feel good about our actions, which is the first step to healing from the initial hurt.

    5. Only do the work that is yours.

    One of the toughest lessons I learned is that I couldn’t “fix” the situation, because the situation involved a lot more than just me. I wanted my partner to protect me. I wanted his family to respect me for standing my ground. I wanted a lot of things, and I made myself crazy trying to get them for months.

    It was only after I realized that I was waiting for someone else to “fix it” that I was finally able to let go.

    I realized, finally, that if I was going to feel safe and respected and loved, it had to come from within.

    If the boundaries were going to be set, I had to be the one to set them. If the safe space was going to be created, I had to be the one to create it. If a demand for better behavior was going to be made, I had to be the one to make it. Furthermore, I had to be the one to behave better.

    So, I started actively chasing the things that made me feel happy and safe: I invested myself fully in the beginning steps of a career that I love. I spent more time with friends and my family. I cooked huge meals for nobody but myself. I read ravenously. I went to therapy. I took long walks. And this is where the healing came from.

    It’s inevitable that other people will hurt us. We can’t avoid it, and we don’t even need to understand it entirely; all we need to do is learn to take care of ourselves when it does happen. We cannot change the actions or perceptions of other people, but we can change how we respond to them.

    We can choose not to harbor anger and resentment; we can choose to forgive and to walk away. We can focus on the things that make us feel safe and happy and devote ourselves to nurturing those relationships and hobbies.

    We can use the negativity of others to become stronger, happier, and more complete. We can rewrite the ending.

  • The Benefits of Flying Solo: Why I Took Time to Myself After My Breakup

    The Benefits of Flying Solo: Why I Took Time to Myself After My Breakup

    “Don’t let past relationships ruin your future happiness. Scars remind us of where we’ve been, not where we are going.” ~Unknown

    I believe that the breakdown of relationships can lead to some of the most powerful lessons we learn in life.

    When someone who we’ve been close to suddenly steps out of our lives, it can leave a huge emotional void. It can conjure up feelings of loneliness, vulnerability, anger, sadness, fear, and hurt, and the natural reaction is to go on a desperate mission to fill that void.

    My relationship recently broke down. It was my choice, and though it was a difficult decision, I left it somewhat hurt but with an overall positive and empowered feeling. There has still been a void, though.

    Despite me feeling strong, independent, and grounded, it somehow left a need for me to seek male approval elsewhere to prove that yes, I could in fact do better than the man I just ended my relationship with.

    That I could “get back out there” and make the most of my new found single status, and better still, that this would be fun and all it meant was opening myself up to new opportunities.

    So I hit the town, and before I even began to unleash myself to the male species, I felt a massive sense of underwhelm. Something was missing. It wasn’t my ex-boyfriend, it wasn’t a man in general, and it wasn’t a lack of confidence or assurance. I didn’t feel damaged or vulnerable.

    What was missing was a connection to myself.

    The week that I made the decision to get back out there was the week that I felt in complete disarray and simply used the idea of dating as a distraction because I thought, well, that is what I should do.

    So, the following week, here is what I did instead:

    Thought about why I ended my previous relationship in the first place.

    Lack of respect and lack of being heard were two major factors. I wanted to be respected as an individual, so being an individual is what I needed to focus on.

    Made a list of my goals and values.

    The whole time that my relationship was causing me stress, I hated the way it distracted my focus from the things that really mattered—building my business, sleeping, indulging in my passion for music, and eating properly as examples.

    So it was important that I acknowledged that those were the things I needed to bring back into balance as priorities before someone else could even enter the picture.

    Got centered and connected with myself.

    I did this by meditating, reading, and opening myself back up to spiritual teachers. When I listened to my intuition, I discovered that I didn’t actually want to be out hitting up the town; I wanted to spend some quiet time inside and alone, reconnecting, being good to myself, and getting clarity on what I really want.

    People say that you shouldn’t spend time inside wallowing, but I think there is a definite need to spend this quality time alone before you even start thinking about dating.

    I did nice things for myself.

    Baths, candles, shopping, working out, eating well, sleeping, pampering—because although the main thing is to feel good on the inside, it certainly doesn’t hurt to feel great on the outside too! I also made time to work on my new business with a refreshed mindset.

    I forgave.

    Yes, he may have hurt me, but holding onto that makes the intent of finding someone “better,” who won’t hurt me even more prominent. This really isn’t the end goal.

    When you forgive, you let go, and when you are ready to move on, even if that isn’t in the not too distant future, you won’t be clinging onto that messy stuff from the past. You’ll be going into dating or a relationship with open and renewed energy.

    The end of relationships will always be hard, but they provide an amazing opportunity to realign with yourself. It made me really think about what I want from life, what I don’t want, the types of people I want to be around (and the ones I don’t!), and the kind of person I eventually want to be with.

    It’s great to get back out there and have fun, but honestly, when it comes to getting back into dating before you’ve had time to bring the focus back to yourself, people can spot it a mile off.

    When you get into that clear frame of mind where you’ve let go of all the bad energy from the past and when you’re content and striving toward your personal goals, you won’t feel the need to get back out there with such force. It will happen naturally.

    It’s a big ask to expect someone else to be solely responsible for our own happiness or self-worth.

    When we truly know that we don’t need someone else in order to feel happy, complete, or loved, we open ourselves up to the best kind of love someone else can give us.

  • How Forgiveness Enables Us to Stop Hurting Ourselves

    How Forgiveness Enables Us to Stop Hurting Ourselves

    Healing

    “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes

    I was planning a seminar event with one of my good friends. (Let’s call her “Randi.”) It was a great match; she had event planning and design expertise, and great energy in front of an audience. I understood the structure of such an event, and I authored much of the content.

    It was a powerful presentation and we were going to be a great team bringing the material to life. We spent months putting the seminar together: rehearsing, setting the date, booking the venue, designing the graphic announcements, and buying advertising. With only a few weeks to go, everything was in place.

    Then I got an email from Randi. She was still going to do the seminar, just not with me.

    She had a new boyfriend whom she felt he was more suited to her vision of how to present the material. Without consulting me, Randi changed the graphics for the presentation, one of the presenter names, and charged ahead with her new version of the seminar.

    To be honest, I was shocked. I had spent a significant amount of time and money up to this point, and leveraged all of my contacts. I thought we made a great team, and I trusted her without question to carry out the tasks we had agreed upon to make the seminar a reality.

    I immediately called Randi but she didn’t answer my calls (probably a wise thing since I was mad). I wrote to her explaining that a great deal of the content in the seminar was my original material, and she had no right to use it.

    I demanded that she refund my share of the money we had spent on advertising and the venue deposit. She wrote back that she was sorry, but the answer to all my demands was no.

    I was outraged and felt betrayed! I developed a story that I repeated endlessly in my head about what she did, why it was wrong, and how it violated every agreement we made.

    Gathering all my evidence I headed to court: not legal court but the court of public opinion. I went to all my friends and laid out the facts—the evidence—and asked them for a verdict. The verdict was unanimous. Guilty!

    Now I had plenty of evidence that I was right. In my mind the betrayal was not clouded in shades of grey but was black and white: We had an agreement, I trusted her, and she had violated that trust.

    I was right, and yet being right was making me miserable. The more I told the story of what she did, and why it was so wrong, the more unhappy I became.

    Simply put, I was using her to abuse myself. But as long as I kept telling the betrayal story—to myself or anyone that would listen—I couldn’t let it go.

    Eventually the stubborn attitude, “I can’t get past this,” was no match for the awareness that every time I engaged in my story it was like hovering too close to a hot stove. It was unmistakably clear to me that my insistence on being right was burning me.

    Being right (my intellectual interpretation of the event) was a dead end I could never resolve. Repeating my story was like hitting my finger over and over again with a hammer.

    It took a while, but the awareness of what I was doing revealed that there was only one choice I could make to get the emotional turmoil to stop.

    What finally healed me was forgiveness. In the end I didn’t forgive her because it was the right thing to do. My intellect was too strong and the facts too compelling.

    I didn’t forgive her because that’s what good people do. I couldn’t forgive her even though I agreed with what the famous poet Alexander Pope said: “To err is human: to forgive, divine.”

    I could never come to a resolution weighing the pros and cons. I simply chose to give up my story, let the whole thing go, and forgave her because it felt good. Forgiveness was the only medicine that would heal the wound I created.

    When we can’t forgive someone for an offense, and justify being right about it, we are only using them to hurt ourselves. It’s a trap, a maze of suffering without end.

    Being right and getting all worked up about it—our national pastime—only hurts us.

    To heal any hurt caused by the perception that you’ve been abandoned, betrayed, disappointed, misunderstood, or unfairly treated takes a double dose of the sweetest medicine of all: forgiveness.

    Photo by Neal Fowler