Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Microadventures: Get Away and Have Fun Without Traveling Far

    Microadventures: Get Away and Have Fun Without Traveling Far

    Adventure

    “One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.” ~William Feather

    I live for exploring the world, trying new things, and meeting passionate people. As a filmmaker I’m very fortunate to be able to do all these things from time to time, and I just love it!

    However, this is only a small part of my work. I also often find myself stuck in front of a computer for weeks at a time editing—no nature, no people, no exploring. Just me and a computer.

    It’s easy to get bogged down by all the day-to-day pressures and get stuck in a continuous cycle of work and life commitments. However, having new experiences and pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone on a daily basis is essential for growth, balance, and happiness.

    When I’m itching for adventure and have been stuck in front of the computer for a few weeks or months I find myself looking at Facebook, Instagram, and all the social media sites in an attempt to tame my craving for exploration.

    But this never works. Instead, I just see people going away on incredible adventures abroad, having the time of their lives, while I’m in the office working away on the computer, wishing I could join them.

    This just puts me in a slump, as I know I have so much work to do that I’ll have no time to go abroad for a week or two and explore.

    I then heard about microadventures from a guy called Alastair Humphreys, an adventurer, author, and motivational speaker. He encourages people to go outside, get out of their comfort zone, and live life to their full potential.

    A microadventure is close to home, overnight or a couple of days, cheap, simple, and most importantly a lot of fun!

    Not having had the chance to go away for a while I decided to give it a go and attempt my own microadventure over a weekend.

    I called my good friend Zak, who lives in a van, and asked if he’d be keen to go on and adventure with me—and he was!

    A week and a bit later we found ourselves heading to the North of Devon for our microadventure.

    We went swimming in freezing cold water holes, cooked dinner on the fire, explored the coastline, found new townships, played football on the beach, made new friends, and went sand dunning.

    It was insanely fun and it fulfilled a lot of my cravings for adventure, while still only being a few hours away from my apartment.

    After having such a rewarding experience with my own microadventure I decided to put together my top tips for anybody who, like me, craves adventure but doesn’t always have the time to go overseas.

    So here they are, my top ten microadventure tips:

    1. Go somewhere you’ve never been before but close to home.

    Many avid travelers have been all over the world but often haven’t made time to explore their own back yard. There are so many wonderful places close to home yet to be discovered.

    2. Go with a friend or a family member who also enjoys adventure.

    With so many distractions in today’s society we don’t give ourselves the time to just sit and chat. A microadventure is the perfect opportunity for this!

    3. Turn your phone off and just take in your surroundings.

    It’s amazing what we miss when we spend so much time looking down at our phones. Instead, look up, breathe deep, and smile! The world is full of everyday miracles. We just have to make sure we’re fully present and not distracted to appreciate them.

    4. If you can find a spot to make a fire, cook your dinner on it.

    There’s something very primal and rewarding about this experience. Roasted vegetables on the fire are the best! Wrap them up in tin foil and leave them to cook.

    5. Look at the world with fresh eyes by being a tourist in your own country.

    Be curious, excited, and willing to learn. It’s amazing how everything looks so different when you’re a tourist.

    6. Go for a dip, even if it’s a quick one.

    If you can find a pond, lake, stream, or the sea, jump in, even if it’s freezing. You’ll feel great afterward!

    7. Do something that scares you (while still being safe).

    When I went on my last microadventure we set up a rope swing at the top of the hill. It was terrifying, but once Zak and I both did it, it felt awesome! An adventure is never complete until you do something that scares you a little.

    8. Be open-minded and friendly to everyone you come into contact with on your adventure.

    Positivity is contagious and makes you feel good too.

    9. Bring a camera to capture your favorite moments.

    It’s awesome being able to share your microadventure experiences with others and hopefully inspire them to go on their own.

    10. The secret to microadventures is to do them often.

    Try and make them a weekly or at least monthly thing. Create a list of all the wonderful places near you that you’d like to visit and then just do it when you’ve got an evening or weekend to spare.

    I hope you found these tips helpful! It would be great to hear about any microadventures that you’ve been on or have planned. Also, if you’ve got any other tips that I may have missed, share them in the comment section below!

    Adventure image via Shutterstock

  • Why Hard Work Might Not Pay Off (and What Will)

    Why Hard Work Might Not Pay Off (and What Will)

    Hard Working Business Man

    “Man is only truly great when he acts from his passions.” ~Benjamin Disraeli

    At a young age I was told, “Without hard work nothing grows but weeds.”

    I was also told, “With hard work it was possible to achieve the American Dream.”

    I was not sure what the American Dream was, but I did what everyone around me seemed to be doing. Working hard. I did well in school, helped my mother at home and my father at his place of business.

    The world looked incredible to me growing up, and I was so passionate about waking up every day and exploring. I wondered why my parents and the other adults around me didn’t seem to be passionately alive.

    Didn’t everyone see what an incredible world this was?

    There was a glimpse of this passion they once had in the boxes of photographs in our living room closet. I would look through them on Saturday afternoons while babysitting my siblings so my parents could take a nap and rest their weary, hard working bodies.

    In the photos, they were young and full of raw passion. My favorites were of my mother at around twenty years old, dressed up in a leopard velvet fitted suit, working at Oleg Cassini, a NYC fashion company. Smiling.

    My Dad’s photos were of him as a young twenty year old in full military uniform on a US Navy ship, somewhere far away, looking over the side rail in contemplative thought. Thinking. His favorite thing to do, an intellectual. Looking far off into the distance. Tall, slim, and handsome.

    “When did they let that go?” I used to wonder. “When and why did Mom stop dressing up and working, and Dad stop writing and thinking, taking quiet contemplative time for himself?”

    Mom resigned herself to working hard at home with lots of kids to raise on a dead end street in the suburbs, which she hated. Dad worked a series of jobs in the business world that he was completely unsuited for.

    Mom let us all know how miserable she was by her lethargy, and Dad’s anger and rage let us know just how discontent he was. I know they were doing their best to keep it all together.

    Yet passion was nowhere to be found.

    What did I do? I followed in their footsteps. I got engaged at eighteen and stayed in the suburbs, which bored me to tears. I worked a well-paying job in finance that I was ill suited for.

    I was living the American Dream they told me about, only it was more like the American Nightmare.

    I found myself crying on the way to work every day, with no joy to share with my child. I found myself longing to leave my marriage, which I’d entered to please my parents, and get to know myself and what would make me happy.

    No one had ever asked me what I was passionate about, and I’d never thought of asking myself.

    The realization of what former British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli said hit me. A great man or woman acts on their passion. I realized my greatness was in the one place no one told me about. In acting from my passion.

    For me that was writing. When I write I feel great. I feel passionate and alive. Just like a kid again. So that’s what I did. I moved to the city and studied writing as if my life depended on it, because it did.

    You may have some troublesome thoughts about the conflict of working hard vs. acting from passion. I know I did.

    If you’re not doing hard work, you may feel lazy or guilty. Or like it’s too good to be true. Following your passion seems like it’s easy, yet it can be hard work too. But it’s the kind of hard that’s fueled by pleasure and passion.

    Or maybe you want cold hard cash. You want stuff. You want to support yourself and your loved ones. So you take the work that you can get, or that makes the most money, or do what someone else wants you to do.

    Yet, what happens if you act from passion first? Get happy first? Before you decide on a career or take a job or get into a relationship. Or move to a city or countryside. What happens is that everything flows more easily from this place. Sure, you could work hard, just put passion first.

    How do you begin acting from your passions?

    Put passion first, even if it’s only in your thoughts at first.

    When you want to discover and act from your passion, you may have thoughts that challenge this new way of letting go of “hard” and gliding into joy and passion. So develop a mantra for yourself that you repeat, about giving yourself permission to put passion first.

    Hide from those that bring you down.

    Steer clear of the “hard work and little passion and play” people. Seek out those that understand how acting from passion first enhances your life and the life of everyone around you.

    Accept how hard your work and life really are and must be for now.

    Know that sometimes life is hard. And work is hard. World and life events and tragedies bring us down out of happiness and passion. Know that this is necessary so you can see the contrast of living from passion first to living from the work hard place.

    Remember, when you have passion about something you are more willing to take risks. Everyone can decide to work hard, but passion means something different to each person. Follow yours.

    You can have one leader that leads with hard work and another that leads with passion. Which one do you want to follow?

    Ask yourself some tough questions.

    What do you feel passionate about?

    If you have no idea, remember what you loved doing as a kid. What were your favorite toys and games?

    What activities do you partake in that, when you do them, you lose all sense of time?

    What do you really want to do but are afraid to say out loud?

    Close your eyes while contemplating this question. Feel the answers in your heart instead of thinking them with your head.

    Passion is not always strong and powerful. It can be calm and deep. Don’t worry about motivation. Once you feel the passion for something, the motivation comes with little effort.

    Queen Victoria invited Disraeli to become British Prime Minister, and they soon struck up a remarkable rapport thanks to Disraeli’s charm and skillful flattery.

    On finally achieving his long ambition, to become Britain’s Prime Minister, Disraeli declared, “I have climbed to the top of the greasy pole.”

    Find your own greasy pole, the one you are more than willing to climb, using passion as your inspiration and motivation. For whenever something great was accomplished in the world, it was done with passion.

    What are you doing to find yours?

    Hardworking man image via Shutterstock

  • Show Up for Yourself and Believe in Your Dream

    Show Up for Yourself and Believe in Your Dream

    Follow Your Dreams

    “As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.” ~Rumi

    My early life was challenging, to say the least. I grew up in a difficult home situation, which I hoped to escape through an early marriage. That marriage produced four beautiful children by the time I was twenty-one years old.

    We were very poor and I hoped to get us out of poverty, but I wasn’t sure it was possible.

    I’d been poor all my life. I didn’t really know what it was like to have abundance. I thought success was for “other people.” My only education was a GED and I couldn’t earn enough money to pay for childcare, much less improve our situation.

    It seemed to be hopeless, but I looked at my kids and decided that I had to try.

    It was my ambition to earn a bachelor’s degree, which I eventually did through grants, scholarships, and a lot of hard work.

    It took me five years to get through college. I finally graduated at the age of twenty-nine. After that, I always had a job and was able to take care of my family. Poverty was a distant memory.                      

    What does this mean for you?

    You can do a lot more than you think. You may never be twenty-one years old again, but you can have the essence of what it is that you really want. If you have a dream, it’s because there’s a part of you that’s whispering “yes” into your ear. Listen to it.

    Please don’t listen to the nay-sayers. There were so many people who never thought I’d make it. They told me to go on welfare, to tolerate abuse for myself and my children, to give up.

    If I’d listened to them, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. I did what needed to be done in order to achieve my dream, and so can you.

    Yes, it will be hard. There were many nights that I sat up crying in bed. There were the two weeks that I went hungry so that my children could eat while I waited for the food stamp application to be approved.

    When I enrolled in a junior college, I had a major meltdown on the very first day. I thought I’d lost my mind by signing up for all those classes. Who was I, trying to go to college in my mid-twenties with four children? I did it though.

    If you set a big goal for yourself, it’s okay if it’s hard. It’s not fun, but it’s okay. Anything you really want that you haven’t done yet is going to be hard. Expect it to be hard.

    If you’ve wanted something for this long, there’s a reason. Don’t betray yourself by not going for it. It will be hard. Do it anyway.

    It’s not too late to have what you want in life. Would it have been great to have everything you wanted by the time you were twenty-five? Sure, but most of us don’t. We all have struggles and challenges. We all know someone we think had it easier.

    In our culture, we’re bombarded with images of people living the dream. We feel like we are missing out if we don’t have it all.

    It’s helpful to remember that gorgeous twenty-somethings with money, fulfilling relationships, and successful careers are simply not the norm. We’re all human and we all have our struggles. Life is not a commercial.

    You’ll be much happier if you get over the myth that life should always be fun and easy. Start creating the life you want to have today. It’s only too late if you believe that it is. Thinking that it’s too late is an insidious myth in our youth-obsessed culture. Don’t fall for it.

    You can still earn your degree, find the relationship you want, get in shape, whatever it is that you want to have. Start now. In five years, you will be five years older whether or not you did anything with your life.

    The difference between those who achieve what they want in life and those who don’t is determination and tenacity, not luck, looks, or youth. I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve had in life, but the truth is, I’ve made the most of them and they only showed up when I did.

    Show up for yourself and the opportunities will appear. Maybe they won’t appear immediately, but if you stick with it, they will show up.

    The universe is an abundant place and there’s always a chance for us. Set your course today for the life you want to have and remember that you can do more than you think. The way will find you when you step up, believe in your own dream, and work toward it.

    Once you achieve your big dream, remember to pay it forward and encourage someone else who needs a reminder of what’s possible.

    Follow your dreams image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Things That Can Help You Bounce Back from Failure

    3 Things That Can Help You Bounce Back from Failure

    Jumping Man

    “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

    The year was 2011 and I had been working as customer relations officer in a private healthcare firm for three years. It was as boring as it sounds, and I had been planning my escape toward self-employment for around a year by working in the evenings as a personal trainer.

    I imagined that on the final day I’d exit the office for the last time in a blaze of happiness and jubilation, thrilled that I’d finally taken the plunge. In reality, as soon as I walked out and the summer breeze hit my skin, I got an instant rush of sweaty palms and an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

    “Have I done the right thing? Am I making a massive mistake here?”

    The momentum into self-employment had been planned for up to the month before. I’d go into local businesses and offer free sessions thinking that some would convert into paying clients.

    It had worked for another personal trainer I knew. By the time I left my job I had four big businesses lined up to visit with my offer.

    At the start of the week I was confident I was hitting the world of self-employment running. At the end of the week I was staring into the abyss;

    Four businesses visited—zero sign ups.

    I knew I was in a challenging situation when I was sat in my kitchen on a Tuesday morning, rain pouring down outside (I live in the UK, after all!), with not a clue what to do next.

    In resilience science there is a concept called “critical slowing,” which states that a system is most vulnerable after a period of trauma with little time to recover.

    Sitting alone in my kitchen on that Tuesday morning while everyone else was at work, I was experiencing my critical slowing and facing a choice. Do I persevere forward or do I bathe in familiarity (aka – get a job)?

    Now approaching my fourth year of self-employment I frequently think back to that moment, the fear I felt, the uncertainty that suffocated every part of me. I think about where I’d be right now if, instead of brushing up on my marketing, I went straight to the job searching sites.

    What helped me get through?

    1. Burning the boats.

    In 1519 AD Spanish commander Hernan Cortes led his army to invade what is now known as Mexico. As he led his men to land, he instructed one of his officers to burn the boats behind them so they would have no choice but to fight forward.

    While I was in no mood to invade anything, I took a cue from Cortes and made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t go back to the job I’d just left.

    I knew if I gave myself the option of going back, there would be a chance I’d choose it because it was familiar, it was a regular income again, and I would have certainty again.

    I also knew it most definitely wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life, and so eliminating it as a choice meant it freed up my mind to think about what choices were available to me.

    This meant contacting more companies and refining my message about what I was offering.

    Lesson: In the height of emotion it is easy to choose the perceived easiest option. This tends to be what’s most familiar. Hold off on this option, as it could be leading you back to what you don’t want.

    2. Refining expectations.

    It’s very easy when starting out in anything to compare yourself to people who’ve ‘made’ it—become a millionaire, gotten the body people desire, the fun experiences shown across their social media. Their success becomes your expectation.

    I was the same, and it became incredibly draining, especially after my first week of hell!

    I found it important to reassess my expectations. Based on this new feedback of zero sign-ups, I had to reassess what it would be beneficial for me to focus on.

    Lesson: Beware of what you’re comparing your reality with. Look at what you think should be happening and decide whether that’s actually helping you or hindering you. Failing is inevitable at some point; if your expectations are blind to this, it’s going to be a big shock.

    3. Keeping self-talk in check.

    This is where knowing about psychology saved my skin. I knew that, just because I was thinking in a certain way that didn’t mean I had to take it as truth.

    Let me tell you, when I was sitting in my kitchen on that Tuesday morning, people at work earning money, me earning nothing, I was not thinking, “Aaron, you are on fire, you are doing well, this was a great decision!”

    But I knew that thoughts tend to be mood-dependent, so I had the awareness to allow them to pass instead of letting them guide any decisions I needed to make right then.

    As I moved around in different environments and my mood changed, my thoughts became more rational about what I needed to do. I began to think clearly again and developed new ideas on how to proceed.

    Lesson: Just because you’re thinking it, that doesn’t mean it’s true. How you think in a happy mood will be completely different to how you think in a low mood. Recognize what’s the best mood to make a decision in and the moods in which it’s a terrible idea to make a decision.

    Over the years, as I reflected on these three factors that helped me carry on, I noticed they were coping strategies that people chose in others areas as well.

    For me, it was my disastrous first week of self-employment, but I saw it in people experiencing trouble in dieting, having trouble in their relationships, or simply going through a troubling period of their life.

    The path back to control began in their head. The same is true for you.

    Jumping man image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Letting Other People’s Opinions Guide Your Life

    How to Stop Letting Other People’s Opinions Guide Your Life

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    Do you feel it too?

    That discomfort rising inside when someone imparts their clever wit on you. Not just any kind of wisdom, but the one that makes you feel small, in a here-you-go, punch-to-the-stomach kind of way.

    A covert little criticism implying that you might not be doing something right or may have the wrong ideas.

    Your first reaction is disbelief. Followed by denial. How can they be so rude to come out with such a comment? Why can’t they be more tactful or careful with their words?

    Then your anger takes over, and you shout from the top of your voice, “Did I even ask for your opinion?”

    Unfortunately, what seemed like shouting was just a thought. That witty retort you wanted to scream at them? Never left your lips.

    You only disagreed with them in your mind.

    And worst of all? After you leave the scene and mull the incident repeatedly, you begin to think they might be right. And that’s a tragedy.

    Because, ultimately, you can wind up feeling that what you know and who you are don’t matter.

    Thinking this way for too long leads to low self-esteem and a loss of confidence in your abilities.

    But it doesn’t have to stay that way forever.

    Inject Self-Trust

    I used to believe that other people’s bad opinions of me didn’t affect me, so I was shocked to discover they literally paralyzed me and stymied my progress.

    I clearly remember when a girl at school remarked, “Stop behaving so spoiled.” This is one of the earliest memories I have of being accused of something not even based on reality, but I actually believed that what she said was right.

    I spent years trying not to appear “spoiled,” without knowing or pausing to contemplate what it really meant. This applied to all the other “wrong” behaviors I stopped doing in hopes that I’d then be more acceptable to the world.

    But that never happened. I could not achieve a state where I pleased every person. I continued picking up subtle signs from others, telling me where I went wrong, or what needed correcting.

    This led to putting up with a lot of intimidation at work from peers, in my adult life. Not only was I too shy to strike back, I faced humiliation in front of the group when a boss called me a geek once. As if that was the worst sin in the world.

    Furthermore, I became a “psychic” over time. Others’ nagging voices had become my own, to the point I was second-guessing what people might have been thinking of me.

    The situation changed when I recognized I was living within the bounds of my limiting thoughts, including those that were formed from others’ limited opinions.

    What I needed to escape this loop was a good old dose of self-trust.

    Because other people don’t live your life, you can only live it for yourself. And for that, you must stop listening to others’ inflated belief systems.

    Immunize Against Opinions

    The following ideas will help you shed chilling spells of self-doubt and embrace the loving warmth of self-assurance: 

    Unravel the ball.

    Like a wool of yarn, the kind of reactions you learn and display to each situation you encounter get layered and imprinted in your mind over the years. Try and look beyond the obvious issues (top layers) to get to the root (core) of it.

    I spent years trying to behave “appropriately” so that other people would accept me, because underneath I felt like my true self was unworthy and underserving. Once I unravelled this ball I realized that I was just as worthy and deserving as anyone else, and I could start being myself—my true self. 

    Fire the culprits.

    The people who impact us at an early age can leave deep, lasting impressions on a young mind. What messages did they leave you with? By careful introspection, you can now examine the validity of such judgment. Is it wise to still carry their opinions, or can you now move on? Give yourself permission to kick them out of your life.

    That girl who told me I was spoiled? I was able to shake her opinions by seeing the absurdity of the moment. I finally understood that at that age, she barely knew herself, and she might not have known the consequences of her talk. 

    Find your “double.”

    With seven billion people inhabiting Earth right now, with all different personalities and opinions, you won’t have to look far to find those who agree with you. Seek out your own kind for mutual support and growth.

    Being around people who share your visions and goals is tremendously more helpful than trying to change those who have the opposite agenda of yours. It’s no coincidence hobbies were invented—regardless of what you’re into, a local group has already sprung up near you to bring together passionate and kindred spirits.

    Know thyself.

    Find what you’re good at by clarifying your personal strengths.

    Too many of us fall into the trap of making wrong career choices based on others’ opinions. Maybe you were particularly drawn to creative work but decided to become an accountant because your parents thought that was more sensible. Furthermore, you ended up focusing on improving weaknesses, which can never measure up to the power of just working with your strengths.

    If you live up to who you naturally are daily, you’ll be one of the few who follows an authentic life. By flowing with your strengths, you gain greater work satisfaction and become invincible in your character.

    Reset your reality.

    Thoughts are curious creatures. Have you ever stopped to ponder what they are, where they come from, and what they do to you? Find truth each day by doing ten minutes of thought-stopping meditation, and recognize just how much your thoughts are influenced by people outside yourself.

    What do you believe as a result of your mother’s negative views, or the heavily biased statements you read in the newspaper? Thoughts become disturbing when you take them too seriously. With a little meditation every day, you can widen the distance between your sanity and them. 

    Blinker yourself.

    Other people’s negative opinions are likely reflecting their own limiting beliefs about life. Develop the skill to recognize and ignore these. You don’t have to disagree with them on the spot if it doesn’t feel comfortable just yet. But put the mental blinkers on, and try visualizing how you’d go about creating a different outcome next time.

    Get out of your body.

    Zoom out of yourself to place a particular opinion in perspective. Keep going upward until it’s nothing more than a speck of sand. These opinions look quite different from 100 miles above.

    Or imagine looking back from ten years time. This incident will fade into shameful insignificance. As if it never happened. Think about this as you’re weighing up a certain opinion’s merit.

    Blow it up.

    When someone says something negative or belittling to you, exaggerate it as much as you can in your mind, to the point that it becomes funny. Comedy has an incredible power on the brain, releasing feel-good chemicals and allowing you to let go.

    Blow up the person who’s saying it into a large balloon, and send them out into the stratosphere. And release a huge belly laugh with it! The bigger, the more powerful.

    Share it out.

    Bring the troubling thought out in the open by telling a close friend about how you feel. As soon as you’ve done that, you start to see the triviality of the situation. Keeping it to yourself can be a bad idea if it festers and eats into you. “Trouble shared is trouble halved.”

    Be vulnerable enough to tell someone if a silly remark bothers you. It does more harm staying inside. So let the critter out, and disperse it into tiny particles.

    Go Your Own Way

    Don’t get sucked into some clever clog’s reckless opinion, no matter how convincing it might sound.

    You could spend your whole life trying to meet other people’s standards. But that’s not a strategy for a fulfilling life.

    Now is the time to start honoring your authentic values.

    Get to know yourself. Hang out with your own kind. Put others’ opinions in perspective. Only then will you be free to live your life, your way.

  • How We Create Problems for Ourselves (And How to Stop)

    How We Create Problems for Ourselves (And How to Stop)

    Man Lying in the Grass

    “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” ~Ram Dass

    I just returned from a four-day trip with my family. It was my own family of four (my husband and two kids), plus my mom, my two sisters, and my brother-in-law.

    It was great. We get along well and have fun together.

    And, it was four days with family.

    It’s a funny thing…although you grow up with your siblings, listening to and being influenced by your parents, you all end up so unique—different from each other and different from the adults who raised you.

    Of course we’re all unique. But our differences seem to be a little harder to accept or dismiss when we’re talking about family. These are the people you care about most in the world, and that usually means they can get under your skin like no others.

    We tend to have the most opinions about, and agendas for, the ones with whom we have the deepest emotional connection. Unconditional love and all of that good stuff aside, four days with family can be the perfect breeding ground for I-can’t-believe-she-said-that and I-must-be-adopted.

    A Shift in Understanding

    In the past, when I’d think about the frustration and annoyance that would come up around my family, it looked very real. It looked like it was definitely about—and caused by—them.

    I would have described it something like this: “Being around my family stirs stuff up. That’s normal, right? I experience some frustration, but it’s relatively minor. We get along great for the most part, and whatever annoyance there is tends to fade as soon as we go our separate ways.”

    Basically, it looked to me as if there was an actual issue with my family, but I was grateful that it was minor. I was good at seeing the bright side.

    Bright side-looking isn’t all bad. That was the best way I could see our “issue” for a long time and it served me. It kept me showing up and it allowed me to mostly enjoy our time together.

    But on this most recent trip, I was blessed with an insight that gave me a different understanding of the exact same circumstances.

    What I saw is that there is no problem with my family. There never was.

    We don’t have an actual issue. If you looked at us from the outside, you’d see eight people hanging out with each other. There is no problem.

    The “issue” I was feeling and attributing to my family all these years was nothing more than my own thinking. It’s just where my mind tends to go.

    My mind likes to tell stories and get quite overactive when it comes to my family. It’s been doing that for decades, actually.

    When I’m around them, my mind tells predictable, old tales tinged with frustration and fear, full of why-do-they-do that, and they-don’t-ever, and what-about-me. On this particular night, my mind was full of stories of how we should feel around each other, how we should be on the same page, how people should listen to me more.

    And those stories have nothing to do with my family. They have to do with my own unmet expectations and my own biased mind in the moment, not with my family at all.

    What a relief! The moment I saw this, the tension was gone. This may sound like a strange reaction, but I found it hilarious, actually, to see that I’ve spent thirty-some years in a mental dialogue about something that was never about what it looked to be about.

    The mental dialogue was the source of my angst all along.

    The Same May Be True for You

    The same may be true for you and your family, or whatever you think your outside “issue” is, as well.

    Part of why my insight had such an impact on me is that it wasn’t just about me and my family. It showed up as I found myself lying in bed ruminating about what someone had said earlier that day. But the problem wasn’t what they had said.

    It hit me like a ton of bricks that the rumination my mind happened to be doing was the only “problem” I had ever had.

    Your opinionated, personal mind is either being quiet or loud. When it’s quiet, it looks like all is well in the world outside. Actually, all is well on the world inside—the peace you’re feeling is your own inner peace.

    And when your mind is loud, it looks like all is chaotic in the world outside. Actually, it’s just a little chaotic internally, at the moment. It may have nothing to do with what it looks like it’s about. Or, as they say, it’s not what you think…it’s what you think.

    This difference may sound insignificant, but it’s been really huge for me. I thought I was getting off good by putting a nice spin on our family “issues.”

    To see that there are far fewer issues than I think—that often the main source of frustration is the show my mind is putting on in any moment—that’s freedom. When my mind gets tired or the show ends, it’s done. No issues to get over, just seeing thought as thought.

    You might wonder: but what if there is something that needs to change? The beauty of seeing how your mind ruminates and replays and creates problems is that when it stops doing that so much, you know if there’s something to do and you do it, drama-free.

    It’s like if you’re driving across the country with a filthy windshield. That’s kind of what an I-can’t-believe-she-said-that opinionated mind does—it muddies your inner windshield and taints everything you see.

    So going on a road trip with globs of dirt and mud on your windshield, well, that’s going to affect your judgment, right? Things won’t look as clear. You’ll probably miss turns because you can barely read the signs. You might mistake a town as “dirty” or “blah” because you’re seeing the windshield more so than the city.

    From a very busy mind that believes everything is a big issue to be solved, you’re not seeing clearly.

    You’re might try to intervene on things that might naturally blow over; and fear, self-doubt, or resentment might have you staying quiet when there is a place to intervene. You’re seeing from a dirty windshield so you’re not getting an accurate view of things.

    Seeing that your mind is constantly running what are essentially re-runs of this story about your family (or whatever your story happens to be about) lets you discount those stories. You naturally disconnect from them because you see the truth about them. That clears your windshield.

    From that place, you handle any actual problems you might want to handle calmly and peacefully. It’s a night-and-day difference. From a clear mind, you simply know what to do and you go about doing it the best you can.

    When you see that a gigantic proportion of your “issues” are caused by a dirty windshield, the windshield is wiped clear and anything that needs to actually be dealt with in the real world is dealt with. It’s as simple as that.

    I can breathe deeper knowing that. I hope you can too.

    Man lying on grass image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Lessons on Living Life Fully from a Breast Cancer Survivor

    5 Lessons on Living Life Fully from a Breast Cancer Survivor

    I Survived

    “We all have two lives. The second one begins when we realize we only have one.” ~Confucius

    When I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in September 2014 I tried to spin this life curveball on its ugly head and find some lessons from this journey.

    That’s how I dealt with the blow.

    The truth is, I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I never wanted to be a victim.

    I wanted to be a survivor from day dot.

    Throughout this process I learned five powerful lessons that I’d like to share with you so that you can live life more fully—without a cancer diagnosis.

    The reality: Cancer changed my appearance.

    The treatment for cancer took away my hair, my eyebrows and eyelashes, and my breasts. All the lovely feminine assets I had were tampered with or lost temporarily.

    The lesson: Love goes beyond looks.

    The people who matter love me no matter how I look. One day when I was heading toward the end of my chemotherapy, my five-year-old boy found a picture of me with all my hair and eyebrows and said, “We love you however you look, Mummy.” That makes me feel blessed beyond belief.

    You’re likely blessed in the same way, and that’s something worth acknowledging and celebrating.

    The reality: Chemotherapy is horrible.

    It saves our lives but the process is yuck. I experienced all sorts of symptoms that were pretty uncomfortable. I almost got used to them as time passed by, yet I had to keep going back for more. For five months.

    The lesson: Don’t take health and energy for granted.

    To get up in the morning and feel healthy, comfortable, and full of energy is a beautiful thing. To feel normal is extraordinary. I will never take my health for granted again. I will never again consider normal days, when nothing exciting happens, mundane or time to kill a chore.

    Each morning when you wake up, even if that day seems ordinary, take a moment to appreciate the extraordinary gifts of your health and vitality.

    The reality: Life is short.

    When I was diagnosed with cancer there was a short amount of time while waiting for the test results when there was a possibility my life would come to an end a lot quicker than I thought. My mortality smacked me in the face.

    The lesson: Life is precious.

    Somehow it’s taboo, and I was a little in denial that my life is short and a tremendous gift. Awareness of my mortality gave me a big kick up the bum to live my life fully.

    Every day is a gift.

    The reality: I experienced fear and anxiety like never before.

    As I went through the cancer journey, my mind could easily have been consumed with worry about what the future holds and thoughts about the past—Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I could potentially be filled with a lot of fear and anxiety.

    The lesson: Love always conquers fear.

    I had never experienced such a feeling of presence. I felt so utterly aware of what matters and how much I have to be grateful for.

    When something like this happens all the petty stuff that fills our lives and relationships falls away, and all that is left is love.

    I have never felt fear in the same way that I have in the past few weeks, but the love I have received from friends and family has stepped up to meet me, and my fear has dissolved instantly.

    Whenever fear comes to meet you in life, try to flip it around and find love. Consider all that you love and everyone who loves you. Like me, you may find fear dissipates immediately.

    The reality: I had to create a lot of change in my life.

    As a mother of two small kids, I am so used to putting myself last and forgetting to look after my needs.

    After my diagnosis, I took myself on a journey of healing, immersed myself in creative projects, meditation, kinesiology, sound healing, distant healings, chakra cleansing, Ayurvedic lifestyle changes and supplements, journaling, and getting back to basics with my relationship with food. 

    The lesson: Everything starts with you.

    I really made myself a priority—because I had to. I had to give myself love. I had to nurture myself. In doing so, I realized how important it is. For me and for everyone around me. The ripple effect it has had on my kids, my family, and friends has been profound.

    Everything starts with your relationship with yourself. Accept, love, and be kind to yourself always.

    In some bizarre ways I feel almost grateful to have been through this experience. Somehow it has shown me to step past fear and be invincible. So I hope I can share this with you, in some way, and give you an element of this perspective.

    Your life is a miracle.

    Every birthday is a blessing and every moment is fleeting.

    I survived image via Shutterstock

  • Should You Sacrifice Financial Stability to Pursue Your Dream?

    Should You Sacrifice Financial Stability to Pursue Your Dream?

    Man Jumping Next to Dollar Symbol

    “If a person gets his attitude towards money straight, then it will help strengthen out almost every other area in his life.” ~Billy Graham

    To pursue financial security or your dream …

    You’re in conflict, right?

    I know because I’ve been there myself.

    People often tell us that money isn’t everything, so we assume we can sacrifice money to pursue our dreams. Somehow it will work out. At least that’s what I thought.

    What do you think about money? Is it everything or not?

    I quit my job when I got married. My husband was a pastor in a small rural community in Vermont, and my dream was to help those in need and work with him in the mission field.

    I helped serve in the community soup kitchen that ministered to those afflicted by addiction. Sometimes I worked in the food bank, and instead of getting paid in cash, they donated canned meat to the organization we were affiliated with.

    It was work that fulfilled my soul but not my wallet.

    Though I’ve been broke before and came out on top, I was suspicious we wouldn’t survive on one salary as a family.

    My husband reassured me money wasn’t everything and we’d be okay.

    Our budget was tight. We lived a simple life. We ate donated food, most of which was boxed and canned.

    I longed for homemade food with fresh produce, but we couldn’t afford it. Instead, we tweaked the boxed and canned food as best as we could to make it taste better. I learned that if I added a different spice to the same meal each time I cooked, it tasted better.

    We also learned to make our own 1% milk. We bought 2% milk, divided it into halves and filled each half with water. We didn’t care about the nutritional value as much as how far the milk would stretch.

    We were surviving, but when you’re as broke as we were, one small thing can turn your world upside down.

    We didn’t have health insurance, but I wasn’t bothered by it because I was healthy. Or so I thought.

    I had a cavity that had never been a problem for years until it woke me up in the middle of the night and made me scream in pain. Talk of the world turning upside down. We couldn’t afford a dentist. And the pennies in the jar weren’t enough to afford the smallest container of Tylenol.

    That is when I knew something had to change.

    Living in rural areas has its downside regarding jobs. At least I didn’t get one.

    A friend of mine knew how good I was with children and asked if I could watch her kids after school until she got home. I took her up on the offer.

    This offer was a win because I still helped with the mission work in the morning, and I got paid for nanny work in the evenings. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.

    But, here is what I learned from the painful reality of becoming broke in the pursuit of dreams, and how to survive:

    1. Follow your instinct.

    I should have kept my job. Deep down I knew we wouldn’t survive on one salary, but I went ahead and quit. At least we should have first identified how much money we truly needed as a family before I quit.

    Do you have a constant battle in your mind, one side telling you to quit and the other telling you to suck it up? Follow your instinct, but remember that if you chose to quit without a savings account, the bills will still roll in.

    If your gut is telling you that quitting feels risky, be creative and find a way to pursue your dream while still maintaining your financial stability.

    2. Honor friendship.

    Sometimes we assume our BFFs knows what we’re going through, so we expect them to help. But in reality, they have no clue about how much we’re hurting.

    Confide in your trusted friends about what you’re going through — you’ll be surprised by the help you’ll receive.

    We sure wouldn’t have survived without friends. I called a friend when the toothache invaded and explained to her our money situation. She bought the largest container of Tylenol and paid the dentist fee.

    There is no shame in asking friends for help when we really need it. But don’t be a mooch. One day you can return the favor or pay it forward.

    3. Use your strength.

    We all have something unique within. We learned through experience, formal and informal education, or job experience. Yet we don’t utilize that talent.

    What are you really good at? What comes naturally to you? How can you use that skill to help you survive when you’re in a financial bind?

    When my friend suggested I watch her children after school, I took up the offer and loved it. The kids loved sewing and knitting. I used my teaching experience to implement the activities.

    4. Refuse to settle.

    Are you in a tough spot and feel like you have no way out? We’ve all been there.

    But don’t settle. Know that you deserve more. Settling can block your mind from seeing when new opportunities arise.

    I told everyone I came across how poor we were and that I was okay with it because we were doing good work. But deep down inside, I wasn’t okay.

    I longed for things I couldn’t afford, like a nice, warm winter coat. But the most unbearable parts were the things I couldn’t provide for my son.

    For example, he didn’t even bother to tell us about the cookie exchange at school because he knew we couldn’t afford to contribute. He told his teacher his parents were always broke, so the teacher had other kids donate cookies to him.

    It’s okay to experience being broke, but believe that you will find a way to change your situation. The more you believe, the more open you’ll be to potential opportunities.

    5. Take consistent action.

    Does your dream seem difficult to achieve? Is money holding you back? What can you do to bring you closer to it?

    Be patient and consistence with yourself. Slowly and steadily work toward it.

    You don’t have to achieve it overnight. Look at how long runners take to practice before they can win.

    I slowly and steadily continued to pursue my dream while taking care of my financial responsibilities.

    Trust me; you can pursue your dream slowly and still take care of yourself financially.

    6. Create an emergency fund.

    An emergency fund will save you on a rainy day.

    Start saving whatever you’re able to, no matter how little. Lets say you tuck away $10 weekly that adds up to $520 a year.

    That right there will make you giddy on a rainy day.

    If we had money saved my toothache wouldn’t have turned our world upside down. If you don’t have a financial cushion, wait to pursue your dreams until you do.

    Take action and follow your dreams while protecting yourself financially.

    Because you don’t want to look back and regret that you followed your dream and had no money to spend.

    But don’t let opportunities beneficial to your dreams pass by.

    Believe in yourself, and call your own shots regarding your dream and money.

    Slowly and steadily start working toward your dream.

    What steps are you taking today to survive your financial struggles and pursue your dream?

    Man and dollar symbol image via Shutterstock

  • It’s Not All About Money: 5 Ways to Redefine Success

    It’s Not All About Money: 5 Ways to Redefine Success

    “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” ~Maya Angelou

    When I was thirty I was earning double the salary I am today. I was also stressed, depressed, sick, tired, and hated my job.

    Most media portals want us to believe that in order to be successful we must own a large property, have vacations in exotic destinations, drive a flashy car, and be designer-dressed from head to toe. And that’s just for starters.

    We are bombarded with these falsehoods from an early age and we set out on a mission to acquire the material goods that we believe will cement our success.

    We chase an illusion because we expect it to bring us fulfillment and then we wonder why we’re left feeling unsatisfied.

    Relentlessly pursuing a materialistic ideal is a breeding ground for anxiety and stress.

    Today I’m forty years old and I’m a freelance writer. Fun fact: I don’t always get paid to write. It’s a truth for many creatives. For a long time I found it hard to believe in the virtue of working without financial reward.

    Even though I was in a position to have my voice heard, even though I was able to connect with many likeminded people, and even though I received a wealth of messages from those who were able to resonate with and relate to my work, it still felt like I was falling short somehow. Why?

    Because I’d been conditioned to believe that success was synonymous with a bulging bank account.

    It wasn’t until I started to celebrate my personal achievements for what they actually were, rather than what I’d been told they needed to be, that I began to realize I didn’t always have to attach a dollar sign to everything.

    Shifting my perspective was the first step on a journey to finding freedom and liberating myself from limiting beliefs.

    Here are five ways I’ve learned to redefine success and recognize value:

    1. Understanding that health is wealth.

    Think of food as fuel. What we feed our bodies determines how we think and feel; our output is affected by our input. Paying attention to our diet is crucial to our overall well-being and has a direct impact on our ability to operate at our optimum best.

    I used to feel constantly tired and run down when I was existing on foods that were sucking my energy rather than restoring it. We can’t enjoy life when we’re running on empty. Fill up on energizing foods that are rich in goodness and be prepared to notice the difference.

    2. Creating a self-care system.

    By weaving self-care into our days we feel a sense of reward that doesn’t have to be financial. Set aside time on a regular basis for some love and kindness, just for you—weekly is good, daily is even better.

    Maybe it’s some lunchtime yoga, perhaps it’s finding twenty minutes to sit in peace or an evening ritual of a soaking in the tub with some essential oils. The benefits of holistic therapies are far reaching and make a true difference to how we feel.

    Some of the things I make time for are reading, lighting candles, using lavender oil, and listening to classical music. They are my tools to unwind and de-stress and I love the positive effect they have on me.

    3. Letting go of “should.”

    The media machines love to tell us what we should buy in order to feel good. Countless magazines make their millions by highlighting what we are lacking and what we must purchase in our endeavors to be thinner/younger/sexier.

    Since I’ve stopped being spoon-fed and started my own self-nourishment, I can honestly say I’ve never felt more confident. I make choices that are right for me and I don’t second-guess my intuition. Tune out of the TV and tune into yourself, and you too will feel more confident.

    4. Being grateful.

    When we truly appreciate what we have and make gratitude our starting point, we are far less likely to worry about what we don’t have. It’s actually quite difficult to feel a sense of lack at the same time as feeling a sense of gratitude.

    Mindfulness is a discipline, but the rewards of appreciating each gift that life brings far exceed the momentary pleasure of a new purchase.

    Each night, before I go to sleep, I make a mental list of things that I’m grateful for. It’s so nice to end the day focusing on abundance and joy. No matter what kind of day I’ve had, there is always something I can find to say thank you for.

    5. Paying more attention to life rather than “likes.”

    Success isn’t how many Facebook friends we have or how many people pressed like on our post. Social media is an amazing tool but it’s also a forum where people tend to showcase the best of themselves. We often make big assumptions based on small snippets.

    I used to get so hung up on what everyone thought of my life that I lost out on living it.

    These days I place high value on what I think of my life, not what anyone else might say. And, by doing so, I’ve found that I have not only set myself free, but I’ve also found myself within a community of like-minded people who are intent on raising each other up. It’s a loving embrace and it’s priceless.

    When we make our real life our focus we’re much more likely to feel happy and fulfilled.

    What’s your definition of success?

  • Confessions and Lessons from a Former Approval Addict

    Confessions and Lessons from a Former Approval Addict

    “It’s not your job to like me. It’s mine.” ~Byron Katie

    I’m short. I’m stumpy. My nose looks like a pig’s. My inner thighs touch when I walk. My gums show too much when I talk. I have to change the way I look. Maybe then you’ll like me.

    I obsess. I overanalyze. I get caught up in my head. I dwell on things I should let go. I can never simply go with the flow. I have to learn to be laid back. Maybe then you’ll like me. 

    I’m shy. I’m anxious. I’m dependent on reassurance. I ask for advice way too much. I look for validation as a crutch. I have to be more confident. Maybe then you’ll like me.

    Day in, day out, plotting away—that’s how I spent my life. I didn’t like who I was, so I hoped you’d do it for me.

    If only you’d tell me I was okay. If only you’d confirm that I didn’t have to change. If only you’d give me permission to be myself. Maybe then I’d like me.

    It’s what led to more than a decade of self-torture.

    I’d cut myself to feel relief and create a physical representation of the pain I feared no one else could see.

    I’d stuff myself with food to the point of bursting, then hide myself away to purge it, up to thirteen times day.

    I’d curl up in my bed and cry for hours, hoping maybe my tears would wash away the most offensive parts of me.

    I remember once, when I was in a residential treatment center for bulimia, an art therapist asked me to draw a self-portrait.

    I drew a bag of vomit with me curled up inside. That was how I saw myself.

    I know why I grew into this needy, insecure person. I can trace the moments that, bit by bit, eroded my self-esteem and caused me to question my worth.

    But it doesn’t really matter why I learned to feel so small and insignificant. What matters is how I learned to tame the fears that once imprisoned me.

    Notice I wrote tame, not destroy. For some of us, the fearful thinking never fully goes away.

    I have never seen myself as a before and after picture, because it’s never felt black and white to me.

    There wasn’t a distinct turning point when my life went from painfully dark to light.

    It’s been a slow but steady process of cleaning layers of grime from the lens through which I view myself—and sometimes, just after chipping away a massive piece of dirt, I catch a splash of mud in the spot that was briefly pristine.

    I live, day in and day out, in a messy mind that, despite my best efforts, has never been fully polished.

    But it’s far clearer now than it once was, and I have the tools to clean it a little every day—and to accept the times when I simply must embrace that it’s still dirty.

    Perhaps you can relate to the lost, lonely younger me, desperately seeking approval. Or perhaps you’ve come a long way, but you still struggle with confidence every now and then.

    Maybe you sometimes feel like a fraud because you’re human and imperfect.

    Maybe you still want to fit in and belong—who doesn’t? We’re social creatures, and wired to seek community.

    But there’s a difference between looking for connection and looking for permission to be.

    There’s a difference between depending on people for support and depending on them for self-esteem.

    Here’s what’s helped me shift from seeking praise and approval to knowing I deserve love and support.

    Become aware of the layers of grime on your lens.

    You may see yourself as someone else once saw you, years ago when you were too young and impressionable to realize they weren’t viewing you clearly.

    Or perhaps your grime built up later in life, when people close to you projected their own issues onto you and convinced you that you were somehow lacking.

    Most likely, a combination of both led you to form a harsh, critical view of yourself, backed up by caked on beliefs, reinforced through consistent self-critical thoughts.

    Understand that, much like those other people, you are not seeing yourself clearly—or fairly.

    You may see small mistakes as evidence that you’re unworthy. You may interpret your challenges as proof that you’re incompetent. Neither of these things is true, and you don’t have to believe them.

    Learn how to clean your lens daily.

    While I wish I could say I know how to power wash that lens, I’ve yet to discover such a process. But I can tell you how I’ve slowly chipped away at the mud:

    Change your beliefs.

    Once you identify a limiting belief—such as I’m not lovable—you can start to change it by looking for evidence to support the opposite belief.

    Once upon a time I believed I was ugly. I truly believed my face was offensive when not covered in makeup, because I have light features.

    I know where this belief came from—when I was a kid, someone told me light-skinned blonds are homely. And because this person valued physical appearance, and I desperately wanted them to accept me, I started caking on layers of paint.

    Over the years I’ve met people with varied looks who I found to be incredibly beautiful, and it had nothing to do with the color of their skin, eyebrows, or eyes.

    It had to do with the light in their eyes and the joy behind their smile.

    I, too, possess the capacity to shine from within and exude joy. More importantly, I feel good about myself when I access my inner spark, and how I feel about myself matters far more than what I look like.

    Challenge your thoughts.

    While you can identify evidence to support a new belief, it’s likely you’ll get stuck in engrained thought patterns from time to time. It’s a process, not a one-time choice.

    My mind will occasionally formulate reasons I am not good enough.

    You aren’t where you should be professionally.
    You didn’t respond to that conflict wisely.
    You reacted too emotionally.  

    As often as I can, I catch these thoughts and challenge them with compassion:

    There’s nowhere you should be professionally—and you’ve done a lot more than you give yourself credit for.
    You could have responded better to that conflict, but that’s okay; this is an opportunity for growth.
    You reacted emotionally, but that’s okay too—you’re not a robot. And at least you’re self-aware enough to recognize when there’s room for improvement.

    You may not catch every self-critical thought, but over time you’ll catch more and more, and tiny bits of progress add up.

    Slow your thoughts. 

    It’s all well and good to challenge thoughts, but if they’re coming at you like baseballs from a pitching machine, you’ll probably end up feeling too overwhelmed to be effective.

    I’ve come up with a list of mindfulness practices that help me find relief from my loud, persistent inner monologue. These are the ones I’ve found most effective:

    • Five minutes of traditional meditation or deep breathing
    • A five to ten minute walk, focusing on my senses and the experience of being in nature
    • A yoga class or five to ten minutes of deep stretching, synced with my breath
    • Listening to music (on YouTube) with subliminal messages for confidence
    • A repetitive creative outlet, like crocheting
    • Anything that gets me into a state of flow, like dancing

    Take a little time every day to clear your thoughts, and it will be a lot easier to tame the fear-based voice that makes you feel bad about yourself.

    Change for the right reasons.

    With all this talk about accepting yourself and taming the voice that makes you feel unworthy and dependent on approval, you may assume you should never again strive to change.

    When I considered that possibility, I came up against a lot of internal resistance. But it wasn’t because I felt I needed to become someone else to be lovable. It was because I realized growth provides me with a sense of possibility and purpose.

    In much the same way I wouldn’t berate my child, if I had one, for having more to learn, I didn’t have to motivate change from a place of self-disgust; instead, I could encourage myself to continually grow into a stronger, wiser version of myself.

    I could regularly identify areas for improvement without concluding I needed to change because I was intrinsically flawed.

    If you’re not sure how to tell the difference between change rooted in shame and change rooted in self-love, ask yourself: Do I want to make this change because I know I deserve the results, or because I fear I’m not good enough unless I do this?

    Take power back from others.

    I still want you to like me. I do. I want you to think I’m witty, and funny, and wise, and interesting, and worthy of your attention.

    But these days I focus a little more on you and a little less on your approval. I think back to times when you were witty, and funny, and wise, and interesting, and I’m grateful that I get to give you my attention.

    And if you don’t feel the same about me, well, it can hurt. On days when I’m at my strongest, I’ll acknowledge the pain and let it run through me.

    Then I’ll remind myself that I can like me even if you don’t. Because that’s what happens when you learn to view yourself through a clearer, more compassionate lens: You start seeing how lovable and wonderful you really are.

    I am imperfect in so many ways. I’ve made more mistakes than I can remember or count. I have struggles that I sometimes think I should have completely overcome.

    But I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been beaten down. And I’ve risen up every time. I’ve kept playing my hand when it would have been easier to fold. I’ve learned and grown when it would have been easier to stagnate.

    I am no longer ashamed of where I’ve been; I’m proud of the journey through it.

    I am no longer ashamed of being imperfect; I’m proud that I’m brave enough to own it, and humble enough to continually grow.

    That shift in perception has helped me accept that you may or may not accept me.

    I’m going to show you who I am, in every moment when I find the strength and courage to be authentic. Maybe then you’ll like me. And if you don’t, it might hurt, but that’s okay. Because I’m going to love myself through it.

  • When We Hold onto Relationships That Hurt Us

    When We Hold onto Relationships That Hurt Us

    “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown

    Human beings are genetically programmed to desire love. Embraces are as important to us as food and water.

    Perhaps that’s why when we find someone—the wrong someone—we’re often too blind to see it.

    We feel it and yet we hide it away, write it off as an odd case of commitment phobia or just a hiccup in our new relationship, oblivious to the fact that were heading into a future of sleepless nights, constant worrying, and consistent phone checking.

    Even when every hidden fiber within us tells us to walk away, we stay.

    I recently experienced something similar. We first met back in high school, different people from completely different worlds. He was the guy that had all the friends; I was shy and quiet.

    Fast forward five years and we meet again. This time he’s in pre-law and I’m a writer trying to figure out her calling.

    We meet for drinks, coffee, a movie here and there, and before you know it we’re walking hand in hand. I’ve met his friends, his parents, even his grandparents. To someone on the outside, this looks like something every healthy couple would do, except we weren’t healthy—far from it.

    He always had his phone, and yet my texts remained unanswered. He only wanted to hang out on occasional evenings, routinely made plans without following through on them, was never where he said he was, yet still referred to me as his girlfriend when we met someone he knew.

    He was a guy that sucked at communicating, and I was the girl that needed it.

    He was physical, I emotional. He wanted convenience; I wanted something that swept me off my feet.

    It was a relationship doomed from the start; I was just too stubborn to see it.

    I would find myself constantly asking for advice, yet always heard the same thing over and over. Get out of there. Leave. My excuses remained the same. He works all day. He’s busy. I just wasn’t ready to admit the truth to myself. Ignorance at its finest.

    Even when I had the courage to bring up the things that bothered me, somehow he’d challenge all my worries. “I’m just not a texter,” he’d say. “I prefer conversations face to face.” Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that response. It was the dishonesty I felt behind it.

    I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship, yet he’d confirm that we were. He seemed to know exactly what to say to get me to stay.

    I couldn’t see that I was the only one putting in the effort. I made sure I was always there for him when he needed me, listened to him, even surprised him at work with coffee, putting myself out there, hoping that he would one day reciprocate.

    He only talked about himself during our conversations, and when it came time for me to share, he seemed distant and uninterested in what came out of my mouth.

    He was bound to a different city in the fall, and with his lack of communicating there was a deep nagging feeling that it was only a short time before I had my heart broken again.

    I had wanted a relationship to work out so bad that I had chosen to ignore all the warning signs that this one wasn’t right.

    Even when he left for a month and I suspected he’d cheat on me, I still stayed. Why? I could only draw one conclusion: I had been treated like that so many times before, I expected it. And I believed it was all I had to look forward to.

    Though I tried to explain to myself that I deserved so much better, I wasn’t willing to hear it.

    But one day I surprised myself. I became more independent. I began to pull away from him. His texts would go unanswered for hours; my obedience to go to him whenever he called began to wane.

    I stopped initiating conversations and instead sat back and began to enjoy all the things I had ignored. I made a list of things I had always wanted to do and did them. It kept my mind off things and opened my eyes to the truth.

    As the time passed, I would like to think, he became the one that needed me; he had just realized it too late.

    I questioned whether or not he had treated me that way because he knew I would always be there for him; then, when I no longer was, he wanted that same caring person back. Had I been nothing but a convenience for him the entire time? I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

    When it came time for me to explain, my answer was simple: My gut knew it wasn’t going to work from day one, but falling head over heels for him at first, I chose to ignore it.

    I guess I just wanted so badly for things to work out I didn’t bother to think about how unhappy I was; I chose to mask all hurt with a small smile and laughter.

    Life can be confusing and cruel sometimes, but a fantasy can’t hide the truth, no matter how badly you want it to.

    No one deserves to be pushed to sidelines, to feel like second best. If there’s something telling you to stay away, if even the smallest of your radars begin to go off, walk away.

    Leave knowing that you dodged a barrage of emotional bullets instead of realizing you had to fight to keep your head afloat to keep from drowning.

    If someone wants to be in your life, you shouldn’t have to change anything about yourself to keep them.

    If they are willing to get to know you, they will. Period. All the wrong people may step into your life, and each one will no doubt leave their own emotional scars, but when the right one comes? You’ll know. You’ll feel it.

    I was lucky enough to have a best friend who stuck by me even when I chose to ignore all her warnings. When I finally realized my mistake, she simply smiled and asked if I wanted to watch the newest horror movie.

    Friends like that are so important to have in your life. Coming from a hopeless romantic who prefers books and writing to real people, this was hard to admit.

    I can only say that when another man comes around I’ll be taking it slow.

    For all the friends out there, even if you don’t agree, just be with them for every upsetting phone call and annoyed text. Your non-judgmental support might just be the reason they realize they could have something better.

    We all need to learn for ourselves in order to truly grow. Even as much as we would like to save someone from the heartache they will no doubt experience, we need to take a step back, wait, and console them when they need it.

    To the boys and or girls reading, realize what you have while you have it, because there’s nothing worse than finding out when it’s too late.

  • 9 Tips for Anyone Who Dates Emotionally Unavailable People

    9 Tips for Anyone Who Dates Emotionally Unavailable People

    “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” ~Maya Angelou

    After having been a rebound girl the summer of 2013, I swore I would never get involved with another emotionally unavailable man who had baggage and was a poor communicator.

    I thought I was a pro at all of the tell tale signs. Until I met X in 2015.

    He came on very strong in the beginning, telling me he deleted his dating app after our first date, that he turned down other dates because he didn’t want to waste time with other girls, and showed me in more ways than one that I was his priority.

    Things were too good to be true.

    Things were at the height of our relationship, and I use this word loosely because it really wasn’t a relationship.

    After a heavy night of drinking he confessed that he was scared to get into another relationship because he associates them with pain and feeling trapped. He admitted that he puts up walls, shuts down, and he just couldn’t bear to go through another breakup again.

    We hadn’t even made it official and he was talking about breaking up. He told me he didn’t want to lose me, nor did he want his baggage to ruin what we had. He would give this a try.

    This lasted for all of about twenty-four hours when he ended it. Poof. Gone.

    Sucker punch to the gut.

    How can someone do a 180 overnight? It dawned on me that he probably had one foot out the door the entire time. Why did I, yet again, get ahead of myself and trust someone that I barely knew?

    When I saw him on a dating site six weeks after the split (after him telling me earlier that he didn’t want to see other people; he just wasn’t ready for a relationship), I panicked.

    I confronted him about it and he took no accountability for ending things the way he did. He has convinced himself that he is being honest with me. He became hostile and angry that I contacted him.

    I came to realize he will find another awesome girl and do the same thing to her to fill his void of being alone

    Lather. Rinse. Repeat

    I sent myself in to a six-week black hole, and I will never get those six weeks back. I always thought of myself as someone who had high self-esteem, but I began questioning why I was upset over someone who shut me out so intensely and quickly.

    Why was I upset about someone whose opinion of me, quite frankly, doesn’t matter? The people whose opinions matter are the ones who have actually stood by me through thick and thin.

    Here’s what I learned through my pain:

    1. Don’t put someone on a pedestal.

    They are not perfect and you will always be disappointed if you continue to do so.

    2. Take time to get to know someone before jumping to conclusions about your future.

    It’s through tough times when you get to know someone the most, not when things are good.

    3. Trust your gut instincts.

    Even if he or she seems to be doing everything “right,” sometimes you need to trust your gut and use your head.

    4. You will be okay.

    I have gone through this before, and I will go through heartache again. Each time I pick up the pieces of my broken heart I learn a little bit more about who I am, what I deserve, and what I am capable of giving someone. I can rest my head each night knowing I stayed true to myself, and you can too.

    5. You can’t fix anyone.

    I have learned this many times, the hard way. Trying to fix someone else chips away at your soul. Worry about yourself and let them figure themselves out when they are ready.

    6. Just because a romantic relationship failed, that doesn’t mean you are a failure.

    I look at the many healthy relationships I have in my life with friends, family, and coworkers, who choose to be in my life and are always there for me. I don’t want to be in anyone’s life that doesn’t want me in it.

    7. Don’t apologize for having feelings.

    I truly believe being able to express emotions is a sign of strength, not weakness. Anyone who is incapable of accepting or reciprocating feelings is missing out on one of the most rewarding gifts in life.

    8. Don’t ignore red flags.

    Looking back, I saw the flags and never raised questions because my heart was in too deep. I would have saved myself a lot of time if I had the confidence to speak up.

    9. Be upfront early on about what you want.

    If the other person is intimidated or scared and runs away, better early on then months or years down the road. Don’t assume they feel the same way as you do.

    I have so much to offer, and you do too. But some people just aren’t open to receiving it. So long as we’re willing to acknowledge that and move on, we’ll find the love we’re looking for.

  • There’s More Right in the World Than You Might Think

    There’s More Right in the World Than You Might Think

    Good News

    “When you turn on the television … you run the risk of ingesting harmful things, such as violence, despair, or fear.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I passed the rack of newspapers on my way into story time at the library, ignoring the latest headlines. Murder, mayhem, war, disaster—it all calls like a siren at sea. My pace picks up as I turn the other direction.

    My two-year old charge, whom I affectionately call Little Man P, is captivated by the animated librarian. She impresses me with her liveliness and ease in handling a room full of kiddos. It is clear she loves her work and those that come to story time.

    After everyone else left, she lingered to talk with me and Little Man P. He’s shy and bashful, but loves attention. Since he insists in going out in his superman outfit, he certainly gets noticed.

    I’ve enjoyed caregiving most for Little Man P because he has reminded me how to have fun and use my imagination.

    There’s hardly a moment he isn’t asking me to tell him a story. He’s more interested in elephants that can climb trees and fire hydrants that can talk than he is in anything else. I tell the librarian how my imagination has come alive since I’ve been babysitting him.

    With this comment, she seizes the opportunity to plug a special kids program coming up that weekend at the library. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to be available to attend. I explained I would be spending a few nights staying with an elderly woman at risk of falling whose husband had to be out of town for a funeral.

    I shared with her what I consider to be the greatest downside to working with the older end of the age spectrum. Many, if not all, of my clients are really into the news. I can pretty much count on a newspaper at the table and the television turned on.

    Rather than participating in a fun and imaginative weekend program, I’d be stuck listening to CNN running 24/7 in the background. I complained about this with my new librarian friend, commenting how difficult it is to hear all the bad news in the world.

    She shook her head sympathetically and muttered an agreement. I went on to express my frustration with the news media for mainly reporting what’s wrong in the world. I asked her, “Don’t you think there are just as many good things going on in the world?”

    She agreed, but then said: “Yes, but it seems things are getting worse every day.”

    I felt the familiar flare of passion rise up when a topic really pushes one of my buttons.

    I passionately exclaimed, “People only think that because that’s all they hear about on the news! Isn’t it just as likely there are an equal amount of miracles happening every day, or good Samaritans doing heroic deeds that we don’t hear about?”

    I think my enthusiasm must have turned her off, as she made a rapid exit after my outburst. Our conversation, however, reminded me of why I have such a ban against reading or watching the news. My desire to know what’s right in the world instead was ignited.

    Although not everyone agrees with the belief that we focus on is what we create, chances are if you’ve ever thought about buying a certain kind of car, you’ve experienced suddenly seeing that kind of car everywhere.

    This phenomena is referred to as frequency illusion. Our minds sift out all the other data we are receiving and starts to see more of something we have just noticed or learned. It is amazing how we will begin seeing things previously unnoticed based on where our thoughts and focus are directed.

    I’ll concede, simply watching or hearing about murder, terrorism, or the bad economy isn’t necessarily going to mean we see more of those things as we go about our day to day lives. However, it does increase the likelihood we start living a more fearful life.

    As such, we might notice the unusual looking man at the grocery store. Then, when he pulls out behind us in the parking lot, we worry he is following us. Or perhaps we become suspicious of the neighbors who just moved next door because of their race or religious orientation.

    Similar to “frequency illusion” is the experience of “selective attention.”

    Numerous studies demonstrate when our attention is occupied with one thing, we often fail to notice other things right before our eyes. In one study, few people noticed a woman with an umbrella cross the field while they were counting how many times a football got passed from one player to another.

    Likewise, if we are preoccupied with the strange looking man in aisle two of the grocery store, we might not notice the cashier pull money out of her own pocket to help the customer in front of us who didn’t have enough to pay for their groceries. Or see the young man help the elderly woman carry her groceries to the car.

    Constant bombardment of all the horrible things happening in our world can only lead to greater and greater distress and mistrust.

    What we need instead is more hope, faith, and love. In an information age where what happens on the other side of the world is known immediately everywhere, why does the media report mostly on what’s going wrong?

    Imagine a primary news channel devoted predominately to the announcement of miracles or to reporting various good deeds.

    What if we were constantly seeing pictures of people helping each other, babies being saved by the latest in modern medicine, or politicians shaking hands in agreement over important issues?

    What if we were to hear stories about the rising inner peace movement, or new and innovative programs to assist the elderly, sick or disabled?

    Is it possible we would all smile a bit broader and greet strangers with a warm hello?

    Perhaps we would feel encouraged to do our own generous act of kindness or join an existing worthy cause.

    Would not knowing about some of the things we hear about on the daily news make a huge difference to us in our day-to-day lives?

    How can we possibly know if things are getting better or worse when we aren’t given even a 50/50 accounting?

    Steven Pinker, in his 2011 book, The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined, argues things actually are getting better. He asserts violence has been in decline, despite the ceaseless news about war, crime, and terrorism.

    We just can’t see it because no one is focused on what’s right it the world.

    Since I’ve stopped watching the news and reading the paper, my life is happier and more fulfilling.

    If there is something really important happening in the world, I will hear about it elsewhere. If there is some action I can take to make things better, I will do it. But most the time, I’m quite content to live in my bubble, smiling at people and extending kindness to strangers.

    Good news image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Steps to Change Your Perspective and Overcome Your Challenges

    5 Steps to Change Your Perspective and Overcome Your Challenges

    Astronaut in Space

    “Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives.” ~Carl Sagan

    I’m there with a hundred other people. The lights fade to a whisper then vanish, leaving us in darkness. Stars appear. Thousands of them, projected onto the dome screen above.

    In the center of the screen is Earth with its emerald and amber lands and sapphire oceans frosted by clouds. We watch the planet’s rotation, and then we’re flying backward through space, and the Earth becomes small, tiny, nothing more than Carl Sagan’s pale blue dot…

    It’s only a planetarium show. One of many that lays the whole universe bare at this museum. By this time, I’ve seen it almost a hundred times.

    I was the guy in back who ran the shows. A couple touches on the screen and you sent the audience to space. Easy. For now.

    My job at the museum was nearly stress free. I was finishing up my undergrad, and it worked well with my schedule.

    Then I graduated and got promoted. My position completely changed to involve heavier guest relations. I didn’t think I would enjoy it, but I let the money, benefits, and coworkers sway me to it.

    The next six months were some of the most stressful in my life.

    Every day I left work exhausted, overwhelmed by the amount of guests I helped on a daily basis—on one particularly busy day the computer told me I had helped over 1,000 guests in an eight-hour period.

    I was meditating and exercising regularly, and couldn’t keep up with the stress. I rarely had enough energy to go out after work, and I stopped seeing friends; I was too tired to be around anyone but my girlfriend.

    I looked for ways to change the situation: I made suggestions to try and improve the positions, spoke to supervisors about what I could do to use my strengths in more effective ways, and even brought up the idea of creating a new position for me.

    Between personnel departures and red tape, it didn’t go anywhere. I became more and more frustrated, and worse, just pulling up to the building in the morning or checking my email from home called up waves of anxiety.

    I didn’t know what to do.

    I was stuck in my thinking. I just didn’t realize it.

    My anxiety and stress levels got so high, I almost got into a fistfight with a guest over a misunderstanding while on a break.

    I’ve never punched at anyone outside of a martial arts class, and I was about to snap and throw the first one. With my whole body shaking like an airport massage chair, I walked away and left for the day.

    What I should’ve done instead was walked into the planetarium for some new perspective.

    There’s something called the “Overview Effect.” This happens to astronauts when they go into space, all the way out to the moon, and see the pale blue dot that is Earth in all of its entirety.

    No borders. No conflicts. Just the beautiful rock hurtling through space that we all live on.

    Anousheh Ansari, a space tourist who went to the international space station said, “If people can see Earth from up here, see it without those borders, see it without any differences in race or religion, they would have a completely different perspective. Because when you see it from that angle, you cannot think of your home or your country. All you can see is one Earth….”

    If you’re anything like me, you probably can’t afford to be a space tourist, and you’re probably not working on a homemade rocket in your backyard to shoot yourself into orbit (always a bad idea!)

    So how can we use this experience to get new perspective and relieve stress? Like Mr. Rogers helped me do as a kid, we can imagine it (or visualize it, for all the adults out there).

    1. What challenge are you facing?

    As much as we sometimes want to skip to the end, we have to start somewhere.

    What’s the situation that’s challenging you? Was it a stressful event earlier in the day? Maybe it’s something that happened in the past that still upset you. Or maybe it’s something you’re in the thick of, like my stressful museum job.

    Picture yourself in the situation. Don’t just see it, but hear it and feel it as well. Bring in all the details you can to make it more real.

    2. Blast off.

    The problem with our own perspective is that it’s limited. Time to expand it.

    Imagine yourself leaving your body. Your homemade rocket could be taking off, or maybe you’re gently floating out of yourself into the air.

    Before leaving the atmosphere, look down with a bird’s-eye view. See yourself all the way down there. See everyone else involved, and see the challenge or situation in its entirety.

    What do you see that you didn’t before? How does your perspective change from way up here?

    Feel free to see how your perspective changes in relation to yourself, each person, and the challenge as a whole.

    3. Leave Earth behind.

    When you’re ready, it’s time to continue on your journey. Leave Earth behind, and head out into space until you can see the whole thing.

    Ask yourself the same questions from #2 and any other that come to mind.

    From way out here, what do you notice that’s new about your situation? What changes do you notice in your stress level?

    4. Come on back.

    If you need to, you can always go farther out, until Earth is just that tiny blue dot. But just like astronauts we can’t (yet) stay out there forever. If you’re ready, time to come on back.

    But don’t float back into your own body. Instead, with your new, all-encompassing viewpoint, imagine yourself floating into the bodies of the other people first. See the situation with their viewpoint as well.

    What do you learn?

    This may be tough, especially if you’re feeling ill-will toward them. But often, the larger, total-Earth view helps with that.

    When you’re ready, come on back to yourself. From your own eyes, check one more time. What do you see that you didn’t before? How has the situation changed for you?

    5. Take action.

    So you have a newfound perspective. What do you want to do with it?

    What action can you take to improve the situation or do things differently? We usually can’t change other people, but we can change what we do and how we react to others.

    Sometimes it might be something big—for me, since I couldn’t change my job, I left it. It took me awhile, and took a shift in my stuck thinking.

    If I had used this exercise at the time, I might’ve left much earlier. Instead, it came down to my girlfriend seeing me stressed out, day after day, and telling me, “It’s not worth it.”

    Picturing it now from high above, I can see how right she was. My work meant me no harm; in fact, the people there wanted the best for me.

    I committed to a job and outgrew it. It was time to move on to bigger and better things, but I kept myself stuck out of fear of what would happen if I left.

    From out here in space, the fear seems a little bit funny, but there are no harsh judgments. I see why I did it, so there’s compassion for both myself and for my managers and coworkers stuck in the same situation.

    Up here, there’s no borders, no conflict. Just feeling present in the moment with love for a pale blue dot and its people hurtling through the universe.

    Astronaut in space image via Shutterstock

  • A Reason to Feel Less Anxious During Times of Transition

    A Reason to Feel Less Anxious During Times of Transition

    Woman with Butterfly

    “How ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be.” ~Elizabeth Lesser

    This past May I graduated from college, where I majored in Environmental Science. I chose this subject for one simple reason: I love learning how the world works.

    There are always strong connections to be made between humans and other species. Every time I hear a unique, astonishing fact about other animals, I feel more connected to the world around us rather than more separate.

    My latest bewildering discovery came from the radio.

    I was driving in my car, heading to the grocery store but mostly in need of some fresh air. I had spent the day inside, applying to jobs and pondering the next step of my life. Riding along, listening to the radio, provided a source of calm.

    The segment was on NPR’s RadioLab and the subject was “black boxes.”

    On NPR’s website, the hosts describe black boxes as: “those peculiar spaces where it’s clear what’s going in, we know what’s coming out, but what happens in-between is a mystery.”

    The hosts announced their first topic of discussion: a caterpillar’s transformation to butterfly.

    The black box, in this case, is the chrysalis within which the caterpillar’s body changes into a butterfly. We know the caterpillar and we know the butterfly, but many of us do not know what happens inside the cocoon.

    I was hooked. Sitting in my car, I had parked but couldn’t turn off the radio.

    I wanted to hear what exactly goes on in the chrysalis. What does it look like inside this hidden chamber? Is it what I’d imagine?

    I predicted that within the cocoon, caterpillar cells begin to replicate on either side of the body in a symmetrical pattern. Maybe the wings curl around the body as they grow.

    I was wrong.

    If you open a chrysalis about a week after its conception, there is no discernible caterpillar. Within the chrysalis, the caterpillar actually digests itself. The enzymes released by this process create a sort of goo in place of the caterpillar.

    The creep-factor of this for me was akin to watching Silence of the Lambs. The story was as perturbing as it was captivating.

    I believe what fascinates me most about the caterpillar’s transition into butterfly or moth is that the original wormy fellow neither stays fully intact nor completely disappears. The “goo” is actually a collection of cells that replicate where they need to.

    The butterfly’s organs, such as the antennae, the wings, and legs, all develop through the constant division and replication of cells that collect from caterpillar goo. Even more interesting, some species of moth have been shown to retain some memory of their caterpillar lives. The cells, therefore, hold qualities of their original character.

    The metamorphic process is evolutionary, and it is encoded in the caterpillar’s DNA.

    I do not believe that the small creature makes a conscious choice to turn himself into goo. Rather, he does so by default just as his ancestors have been doing for millions of years. I know this logically. And yet, there is something abstractly beautiful about the concept.

    I love that the caterpillar trusts it will become a butterfly. It is willing to break itself down for a short period of time, knowing that the result of its self-destruction will be as grand and sensational as a butterfly or moth.

    What fearlessness required, what self-confidence! The caterpillar eats and eats for days, plumping itself up for the process of its own obliteration. That takes some serious bravery and commitment.

    Last month, I put on a graduation cap and gown, and I, along with millions of other graduates, took a leap from the comfortable role of student to something as yet undefined.

    One moment, I could define myself by my courses, my friends, and my ability to navigate campus. The next moment, it became a lot harder to define myself, as my entire environment changed.

    I have been wondering a lot lately about where I’m headed next. Is there any clear-cut path or formula?

    Looking on Instagram and Facebook it seems that everyone is confident in their post-graduation choices, whatever they may be.

    I feel that I am somewhere in between, applying for jobs but still unaware of my first step, and uncertain of the specifics of my future.

    For example, where do I want to live? What types of people do I want to surround myself with? Where do I want to work? More specifically, what type of work will fulfill me?

    The questions are normal, even necessary. But hearing about caterpillars, I realized something important about how I’ve been navigating my transition.

    I, along with many of my friends, have been envisioning my life thus far as having two separate stages: one during college and one after.

    The first stage we view as preparation. We feed ourselves with the tools necessary to grow, just as the caterpillar does. After college, we expect to become a butterfly. On top of this, we expect the transition to occur rapidly and effortlessly.

    Before I graduated, I had a lot of anxiety about remaining active and engaged after graduation. Looking back, I realize I was desperately scared that I’d lose myself—that the transition would seize the “me” I knew and morph me into some worse version. But what if these fears ended up being more dangerous to my growth than the transition itself?

    When I view this period of time as my black box, instead of feeling anxious that I will lose myself, I feel excited by the opportunity to rebuild.

    I trust that whatever is contained within the black box, is still “me.” So what if it gets a little gooey? Times of transition are meant to be gooey; we are meant to settle into ambiguity before we are able to achieve clarity.

    This mentality has helped me to take positive action toward starting on my new path.

    This doesn’t mean it’s easy. My identity is undergoing a breakdown of boundaries. It can be scary.

    I do fear on some level that, like the caterpillar turning to goo, I will lose everything that defined me, other than DNA, of course. But however scary, it can be more fruitful to spend time in the black box than to rush the process of becoming a butterfly.

    During a time of transition, it’s important to give yourself space and time to break yourself down and settle into the uncertainty of the moment, to take a pause before stepping forward.

    Maybe the caterpillar has it right. Before becoming a butterfly, the caterpillar loses all structural integrity; he does not fight to keep his body as it was. Nor does he entirely disappear.

    Instead, he changes form, while maintaining essential parts of his former identity. In the end, he builds himself back up as a better version of himself, this time graced with a pair of wings, and poised for flight.

    I am confident that after time in the black box, I will emerge more capable, more mindful, and more me.

    If you are also in a black box, having just completed one phase while preparing for another, know that nature provides these spaces for a reason.

    These periods of transition, with all of their anxiety and ambiguity, are critical to our growth. There are times in our lives when the best place to be is inside the black box.

    Woman with butterfly image via Shutterstock

  • Overcoming Fear-Based Thinking and Creating a Happy Mind and Life

    Overcoming Fear-Based Thinking and Creating a Happy Mind and Life

    Happy Brain

    “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~George Addair

    My parents were teenagers when they had their first of three children. I was the middle child. They were uneducated, poor, and had very difficult upbringings.

    As I recall my childhood, most of what I remember is how fearful both of my parents were.

    They were constantly stressed out about money, the kids, the tattered house, the rusty car, and everything else in their lives.

    My mother, my first role model, was so scared of the world. She definitely had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. She was afraid to drive a car, afraid to eat in restaurants, afraid to go shopping, afraid of strangers.

    She was completely crippled by fear.

    In order to cope with all their anxiety, my parents often turned to binge drinking and smoking.

    I remember watching the cigarette smoke form a thick haze throughout the house. My siblings and I had no choice but to inhale the second-hand smoke every day. Even our clothes and school books smelled like an ashtray.

    I hated to see them drink because it often led to angry outbursts.

    Throughout my childhood, I witnessed many painful and sometimes tragic events. My parents’ reaction to such events was always overdramatized and downright scary at times. They never knew how to cope in a civilized or peaceful manner.

    Needless to say, my childhood was filled to the brim with fearful experiences.

    I desperately wanted to free myself from all the pain and fear. I just wanted to break free and be happy.

    I vividly recall, at the age of eleven, making a promise to myself that I would do my best to get out of that mess. I knew my only escape route would be to study hard, go to university on student loans, and get a good job.

    I locked myself in my bedroom, wearing sound blocking earmuffs, and studied every day until I graduated from university at the age of twenty-three.

    Graduation day was one of the best days of my life. I finally got my ticket to freedom and happiness. At least, that was what I thought….

    After that, everything fell neatly into place. I got a good job, got married, bought a nice house, and had two beautiful children.

    But, despite all of these wonderful external experiences, I hadn’t escaped the clutch of fear. It was like a leech from childhood that wouldn’t let go.

    I often cursed my parents for saturating me with such fear.

    I made sure to hide it, especially from my loved ones and coworkers. I didn’t want my children to suffer like I did, and I didn’t want my employer or coworkers to see my weakness.

    But the fear was building. It was starting to beat me up. I wouldn’t be able to hold it in much longer.

    I had to figure out how to deal with this fear, and I had to do it fast.

    My heart and soul told me to dive deeply into the spiritual aspect of life.

    I diligently consumed a huge amount of spiritual/self-help/philosophical literature, attended numerous classes and retreats, and faithfully practiced much of what I had learned.

    I was enthralled by it all and genuinely excited. This world wisdom resonated to the core of my being.

    I finally found the tools necessary to help catapult me to the other side of fear.

    Over the past several years I’ve adopted many spiritual practices. They have not only helped me deal with fear, but have improved every aspect of my life.

    Here are the top lessons I’ve learned:

    1. The present moment is powerful.

    There is so much clarity, peace, and joy in the present moment. To truly let go of the past and stop fearing the future is liberating. It’s the doorway to freedom.

    Daily meditation is one of the best ways to fully experience the present moment.

    I have a handful of meditation techniques in my toolbox, but I often resort to simple breath meditation for thirty minutes a day to help ground me in the present moment. As well, I practice mindfulness daily.

    One way I practice is to eat mindfully for one meal each day. I am fully present while I eat. I eat slowly and I engage my senses. I pay attention to how the food looks, tastes, and smells. I feel it in my mouth and how it settles in my body. I try to experience the food as though it was my first time ever tasting it. With such focus, I inevitably slip into the present moment.

    It doesn’t matter if you meditate, practice mindful eating, or turn any other daily activity into an opportunity for mindfulness; what matters is that you create time to practice living fully in the present moment.

    2. Awareness is essential.

    We are not what we think we are; we are not our thoughts. With this higher level of awareness, you can step outside of yourself and watch your mind as it races from one thought to another. And you can witness your habitual emotional reactions to those thoughts.

    You become the empowered watcher of your mind instead of being lost and entangled in the web of thoughts and emotions. You realize that you have a choice in how you react to your thoughts and feelings.

    To give you a more concrete description of what I’m talking about here, I will give you an example of how I use a higher level of awareness to deal with potentially stressful situations in everyday life.

    I had an important work project to complete and I started to feel overwhelmed because I thought I wouldn’t be able to meet my deadline.

    Rather than automatically defaulting back into my fearful feelings, thoughts, and reactions, I stopped myself immediately. I took a few slow deep breaths and focused on the sensations of my breathing. This helped me connect with the present moment and offered space between my thoughts and my actions.

    Then, I spoke statements to myself that made me feel better, including: “It’s not the end of the world if I can’t finish this,” “My boss knows I’m a good worker and he may extend the deadline,” and “If I take a few minutes to relax my mind, I will work more productively.”

    The simple acts of stopping myself, focusing on my breath, and talking positively to myself brought me to a higher level of awareness. I realized I had a choice in how I could think and react. Within a few minutes I calmed myself down completely and I successfully finished the project on time.

    3. Happiness is within.

    All of the great spiritual teachers, masters, and philosophers of the world share the same message that happiness cannot be found outside of us, in the external world. There is no person, place, material possession, or amount of money that will bring you true, lasting happiness.

    Rather, happiness is found within. You have to spend time taking care of yourself and closely evaluating what makes you feel happy. It will vary from person to person.

    My first encounter with true inner happiness occurred during meditation. I had been practicing for about a year at that point.

    As I sat in stillness, I felt myself gently go beyond the tangle of thoughts and emotions. I shifted from a baseline of worry to a feeling of peace and happiness. It was wonderful. I finally tapped into a state of consciousness that was hiding inside of me my whole life.

    I also feel happier inside when I eat well, exercise, sleep well, practice gratitude, spend time with loving friends and family, and listen to uplifting music.

    Shift your focus from externals and you’ll be better equipped to identify the little things that bring you peace and joy.

    Final Thoughts

    I was dumped into the depths of fear when I arrived on this planet. But with courage, focus, belief, and desire I ploughed myself a path to happiness.

    My life today is quite the opposite to that of my childhood. Now, I enjoy my life. I appreciate and love my family, friends, and the life I have built.

    Please don’t get me wrong—my life has its challenges. Challenges are a normal part of human existence.

    But now, I have the tools necessary to prevent myself from defaulting back to my old, habitual, negative, and fearful way of thinking. Instead, I try my best to focus on the good in life and consistently reach for the valuable lessons in every difficulty.

    Today, when I look back at my childhood, I feel love and forgiveness toward my parents. I now realize that they tried their best from where they stood. They were just human beings lost in the whirlwind of fear and struggle.

    In fact, without my childhood, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I feel that my childhood clearly showed me what I didn’t want and, in turn, it forced me to focus on what I really wanted in life, what we all want—to be happy.

    Happy brain image via Shutterstock

  • How to Transform Self-Criticism into Self-Appreciation

    How to Transform Self-Criticism into Self-Appreciation

    Sad Woman Reflection

    “Stop hating yourself for everything you aren’t. Start loving yourself for everything that you are.” ~Unknown

    They stop you dead in your tracks.

    Critical thoughts.

    Like tiny knives, they slash at your happiness.

    In public, you feign confidence. You can easily squish down your critical thoughts. You push yourself to smile, laugh, and even be the life of the party.

    But when the dust settles, and you are all alone, the thoughts start, first as a trickle: “I shouldn’t have said that. Why couldn’t I say smarter things?” And then they start to crash harder and stronger with, “I am so stupid. I can’t believe at this age I’m not more confident.”

    Do you sometimes feel like you’re drowning in a sea of similar critical thoughts?

    I know how embarrassing and terrible that feels.

    When I teach yoga, I try to help people—to open their bodies, notice their thoughts, and release their limitations. Yet, at times I drown in self-criticism and feel like a fraud.

    Sure, you see my serene face, but a storm of critical thoughts often brews behind my smile. I feel like an imposter because I’m not as serene as I appear.

    Recently, something completely changed my perspective: scientists discovered that the more people try to avoid certain thoughts, the stronger these thoughts become.

    College students were told to think of everything except white bears, and guess what they couldn’t stop thinking of? It’s called ironic rebound. When you try to push thoughts out, they come back even stronger.

    This idea infuses most mindfulness practices. It’s different from telling yourself, “Think positive.” Because if you stamp down the critical thoughts, they only come back stronger. I tested this theory in my contemplative practices.

    When I relinquished rigid control of my inner experiences, I learned to slow down the critical thoughts.

    Where I once felt frustration for my negativity, I now accept my thoughts, challenge faulty beliefs, and make peace with myself. And the more I feel the critical thoughts, the more I can release them. I’ve noticed that the thoughts come less frequently when I don’t try to suppress them.

    You and I both probably accept that criticism, especially toward ourselves, is destructive. So we try to suppress self-criticism. But when we try to avoid a thought, it’s never far away.

    By suppressing, we empower our faulty beliefs. By looking deeply and challenging the belief behind the thought, we finally get relief. 

    Ready to find out how?

    1. Observe your thoughts with curiosity.

    Imagine yourself sitting on a riverbank, watching your thoughts flow by with the stream. Sometimes fast and rushing, other times calm and gentle.

    Resist the urge to push critical or negative thoughts away; learn to welcome and observe all thoughts. This might feel unnatural or even painful at first. I understand. But remember that this is a process that will lead you toward a place of self-understanding and love.

    When thoughts resurface repeatedly, we subconsciously assume they’re true. Scientists call this a hard-wired cognitive bias in the human brain.

    When l catch myself thinking, “You are too quiet and shy and not animated or interesting,” I resist my urge to deny and suppress; instead, I observe and allow the thought into my body.

    2. Identify the underlying belief.

    Now you can dig a little deeper. What belief lies behind your thoughts?

    If you’ve spent a lifetime trying to push critical thoughts away, you may have unconsciously turned them into self-limiting beliefs.  I’d often think, “I’m too shy. Why couldn’t I have said more? Do people think I’m stupid?”

    I believed that because I was shy, I was inferior and somehow deeply flawed. When I used my breath to be in my body, I felt empowered to be in the present. I allowed myself to feel the pain of feeling inferior.

    You’ve observed the thought, so now can you identify the belief that causes the thought? Beliefs are about how you are as a person as opposed to transient thoughts about your actions.

    If this is scary, use your breath to come back to your body and the present moment. Know that you are okay.

    3. Feel the belief in your body.

    Can you identify where the belief is planted in your body? Accept that you cannot control your mind’s content—but you are learning to change your reactions. And take back your power. When you physically identify sensations the belief triggers, you return to the present moment. And you take the power away from the self-criticism.

    You can heal because you’re no longer a victim of your thoughts or deeply rooted beliefs.

    Because feeling is not the same as believing.

    What happens to your breath when you allow the belief to come into your body? Where do you feel it? Maybe in your heart or your belly button?

    When I allowed a belief into my body, a deep pull manifested around my solar plexus, just under my rib cage. It was definitely painful but less scary. And through feeling and clearly looking at the belief, I became empowered to challenge it.

    4. Challenge and dissolve the belief.

    Now that you’ve observed your thoughts and pinpointed the belief, can you challenge it? Negative beliefs about ourselves are simply not true, and they cause the flow of critical thoughts.

    You and I need to release them so we can find inner peace. As scary as it feels, verbalize the belief. Because you must face the untruths head-on to let them go.

    Ask yourself a few questions to unearth the belief. How else could you interpret this belief? Can you see any evidence that this belief is true? What would support that this belief isn’t true? Remember that other people’s words are not necessarily truths—especially judgments and criticisms.

    Now it’s time to let the belief go. Inhale deeply, and feel your lungs fill with air. Exhale completely, and feel your body relaxing. Imagine the critical belief dissolving like a cloud.

    With each breath, you’re releasing your clouds of criticism. Feel the beliefs slowly leaving your body as your exhale and relax. Remind yourself that this belief isn’t true, and you’re letting it go. Continue to breathe until your belief and the pain goes away.

    I challenged the belief behind the thought: “Because you’re shy and not always talkative (thought), you’re inferior and flawed (belief).”

    I compared myself to other charming and talkative people, and I believed that I had to be just like them. I realized that I had family, friends, and students who loved and appreciated that I was authentic.

    When I used my breath, the knot at my ribs dissolved a little bit with each breath, and so did my belief that I was flawed.  I’m empowered to release that belief. And I’m left with profound clarity: the clouds have disappeared.

    5. Uncover your new truth.

    When you clear away your clouds of self-criticism and faulty beliefs, a sunny truth can shine. You’ll learn to appreciate your unique strengths and attributes.

    What surfaces now that you’ve let go of the mistaken beliefs? Perhaps once you felt deeply inadequate, but now you realize you are humble and eager to learn. Don’t be afraid of letting your positive traits out into the world. You won’t become an egomaniac by simply accepting yourself.

    I now see that my shyness has benefits: I’m an intuitive listener, compassionate yoga teacher, and empathetic nutritionist. As I continue to breathe, I feel better about who I am. And I accept my unique way of being.

    You can do this too.

    Become Your Most Powerful Ally

    Over time, you’ll get more comfortable allowing those scary criticisms to surface. Like vampires that fear the sun, when you bring them out into the light, you take away their power. And they’ll slowly dissolve.

    You’ll feel happier because you aren’t hiding your most valuable traits behind critical thoughts.

    And rather than being a prisoner of your negative beliefs, you’re using them to fuel your transformation.

    Let your inner light glow. Brighten the world.

    Because only light can drive away darkness.

    And you’re ready to start now.

    Shall we?

    Sad woman with reflection image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Reasons Your Breakup Is A Beautiful Thing

    7 Reasons Your Breakup Is A Beautiful Thing

    Woman Sitting Alone

    “Watch for big problems. They disguise big opportunities.” ~Ritu Ghatourey

    After many years of being the “dumper” in the relationship, I then spent many years being the “dumpee.”

    Even after I had worked through all of that karma that I had instilled upon myself, when it came time for my last breakup, it was finally a mutual decision. Still, it left me feeling lost and incomplete.

    I had never felt happier with any other man, and at the same time, I knew I deserved better. We both loved each other so much, but we found ourselves growing apart.

    It took a long time and a lot of healing in order to begin to function again, and to fill my life with love again. Except this time, the love came in a different form. It came in the form of loving myself.

    Along the way, I learned that a breakup can be a beautiful thing. Here’s why:

    1. You get space to analyze what went wrong.

    Without your partner around, you can look at the relationship as a whole.

    Notice how you contributed to it, which can be difficult to see at first. For example, maybe you got angry because he stopped calling as frequently, and you let him know it. And when he finally did call, perhaps you expressed your anger again rather than praising him for calling.

    Maybe she became more distant, and yet even with this factor, there is room for improvement with communication on both sides.

    After some time, look to see how you can improve yourself or make wiser decisions the next time around.

    2. It gives you space to fully heal you.

    Normally we spend our times healing from relationships we have had with specific people. But if we take the time to look at the bigger picture, we can look to see if there’s a certain pattern that keeps repeating.

    Are you dating women who remind you of your ex? Have you given yourself enough time to get over the last guy? Do you tend to date a certain type of person?

    Whatever it is, we now have an opportunity to fully heal that wounded and sometimes buried part of ourselves that’s causing the repeating behavior (or repeating bad boy), so that we enter the next relationship more whole and happy.

    3. It gives you time to take up a new hobby.

    I know there is something you’ve been yearning to try. Maybe you’ve thought about it every day for three years, or maybe you have forgotten about it. Remember it.

    What is it? Is it kickboxing? Cooking? Learning Italian? Finally having the time to read more? Play poker? Exploring your city? Exploring nature? Learn astrophysics? What is it? Give yourself the time to do that.

    4. It creates space for more risk-taking.

    Without having to worry about your partner’s reaction to something, you can go all out and do what you want. You can make bold choices just for you.

    Maybe give yourself that haircut that you’ve been wanting, but that your ex said he would hate. Or paint your nails with crazy patterns. Go all out and watch how your attitude shifts.

    5. Now you have more time to get in touch with your creative side.

    Creativity will add so much fun to your life. When you are creative, your soul thanks you. What could you do to get more in touch with your creative side?

    Maybe you’ve wanted to paint a mural of a monkey in your bedroom. Or do you have the perfect app that you’ve been meaning to create which will be so stellar you’ll be rolling in cash? What about that book you’ve been meaning to write? Or the flute you’ve been meaning to learn how to play? Well, now’s your chance! Get out there and go for it!

    6. Reconnect with old friends, and make new friends.

    This is a chance to go out and be more social than you’ve ever been. You may not feel like it right away; however, I can guarantee it is a fabulous distraction, and puts you in a position to move forward with your life.

    You never know who you could meet. You could have a new best friend by going out the one time you don’t feel like it, or you could meet your next business partner.

    These are people whom you may have never connected with, but by you taking that step and putting yourself out there, you are doing so much benefit for yourself. Your results will be better than you imagined.

    7. You now have a chance to “up your game” in your career.

    What does your career need from you, and how could you advance? Now you have more time to take on that extra project that leads to your promotion, or to finally start your new part-time catering or graphic design business on the side. Where could that take you? You’ll never know until you take that first step.

    —

    Although a breakup might seem devastating, in many ways it can be seen as a blessing. Something wasn’t working out, or wasn’t in alignment with your greatest and highest interest—even if it seemed like it, and even if you can’t see it that way right now.

    Allow yourself an appropriate amount of time to mourn your loss. After all, it is a major life change when you breakup with your partner. Once you are through mourning, the fog begins to clear.

    The universe loves to fill gaps. So as long as we fill our gaps with positive things, rather than negative ones, our lives can improve. We can learn the lessons and learn to accept the reality, and ultimately improve both ourselves and our livelihoods long-term.

    Woman sitting alone image via Shutterstock

  • A Tiny Act of Kindness Can Help Someone in a Big Way

    A Tiny Act of Kindness Can Help Someone in a Big Way

    No Act of Kindness Is Wasted

    I started working in the food industry when I was just twelve years old.

    I couldn’t drive, stay out past 11:00pm, or do algebra, but I could easily fill a bag with bagels at a business owned by a close family friend. And so I did, every weekend.

    It was a simple job, working the dozen counter. I didn’t even have to ask people how many they wanted (thirteen, a baker’s dozen—that’s just good business!) I only had to ask what kind they wanted, then hand it to them, make change, and send them off with a “Have a nice day!”

    I tried, as often as I could, to stay neatly tucked behind the register, but every now and then someone asked me to help with something unrelated to my one responsibility.

    I knew it would reflect poorly on the business—and would erode my self-esteem—if I responded to those requests with, “I don’t know how to do that—I’m just a kid,” so I often tried to do things I’d never been trained to do. Like make coffee.

    Sounds easy, right? It should have been. Except I didn’t know the commercial coffee maker wouldn’t light up after I hit the “twelve cups” button, to register that it was, in fact, brewing. So I hit that button five times, flooding the coffee island in the middle of the restaurant.

    I remember the angry looks on customers’ faces, and I remember feeling both embarrassed and bad about myself. I’d failed at a simple job, and people weren’t happy with me.

    That kind of thing happened a lot, and not just when I worked at the bagel shop.

    A couple years later I worked with a few friends at a dinner theater fundraiser for my community theater group.

    We all wanted to raise money to do Grease, and we thought serving would be good practice for adulthood, when we’d likely wait tables between endless rejections (at least, that’s what I thought). So we were eager to work the event.

    Even though there wasn’t a coffee maker in sight (I didn’t have to go too deep into the kitchen) once again things went less than smoothly.

    Since the cooks were amateurs too, it took a while to get all the food prepared and plated. As table by table received their heaping piles of pasta, the patrons in my section appeared to get a little antsy. So I worried, once again, that they were annoyed and angry with me.

    When their food was finally ready, I loaded it all onto one massive tray so no one would have to wait a second longer for their saucy carbs, and then hoisted the tray above my head.

    I made it just a few feet shy of the table before it all came crashing down. On me.

    I’m not sure if it was the sight of me fighting back tears or the knowledge that I was only fourteen, but the patrons didn’t act annoyed. In fact, they got up and helped me clean the mess.

    I was amazed that they weren’t infuriated, especially knowing they’d have to wait even longer to eat. They were patient, kind, and giving, as I learned at the end of the night when a man slipped a twenty in my hand and said, “You did a good job—thanks!”

    He was lying, I knew, as I cleaned sauce out of my hair, but it didn’t matter. These people didn’t focus on what I’d done wrong. They saw how I’d struggled and they chose to respond with understanding and compassion.

    In doing so, they helped me show myself understanding and compassion—yet one more thing I haven’t always done well.

    I’ve reflected on this experience many times over the years when I’ve encountered servers or workers in other businesses who’ve done less than stellar jobs, and I’ve tried to show them the same kindness a group of strangers once showed me.

    They may not all be minors with tears in their eyes and spaghetti in their hair, but they are, no doubt, hard working people who are carrying a lot around—and I don’t just mean their trays.

    They all have struggles, and dreams, and goals, and responsibilities, and they too could benefit from someone showing them patience, kindness, and understanding if they’re a little slow or less than friendly.

    I’m not saying it’s not reasonable to expect good service, just that the world is a better place when we see people beyond their nametags, and visualize everyone as a kid who truly is doing their best.

    As you may have seen on the site or Tiny Buddha’s social media pages, I recently wrote a book titled Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges (on sale October 6th), with the help of seventy Tiny Buddha contributors, that shares numerous stories just like this.

    Reading through these stories reminded me how similar we all really are.

    We’re all a little scared and a little rough around the edges.

    We’re all looking for love, support, acceptance, and appreciation.

    And we can all get and give these things every day, one tiny act at a time.

    I’ve seen the power of tiny acts of kindness, forgiveness, and acceptance countless times in my own life, and as the title suggests, I’ve created 365 of these small acts that we can all do, including this one from the seventh month:

    Be patient and understanding with people who serve you, especially if they have a lot of customers to tend to.

    It may seem like a tiny thing, but sometimes the tiny things are the big things.

    Empathizing instead of criticizing is a big thing. Getting up to help instead of sitting back and judging is a big thing.

    And it’s big things like these that help us all feel seen, appreciated, and loved—and far happier for it.

    Kindness quote image via Shutterstock (attribution: Aesop)

  • 5 Dos and Don’ts for Surviving a Hard Time

    5 Dos and Don’ts for Surviving a Hard Time

    Boat in a Storm

    “Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.” ~Stephen Covey

    My partner was a well-respected bank manager in a small country town. He was rising through the bank hierarchy with good prospects for further promotion. We were thought of as a happy, close-knit family that contributed in every way we could to the local community.

    Unbeknownst to us, the bank was conducting a re-assessment of their country branches. Several of the smaller banks would close and all staff would be dismissed.

    Frightening words were on our lips—redundancy, fear of the unknown, financial difficulties, unexpected change, personal loss.

    Little did we know how much a huge obstacle suddenly dumped in our path would affect us, particularly emotionally. Our hopes and dreams for the future—moving back to the big city to live in a “castle” with a fantastic view—were dashed.

    We started to name and blame bank personnel. We asked lots of questions but the answers remained elusive.

    Our totally negative and blaming attitude kept us stuck in an emotional hole. We couldn’t see how necessary it was to accept the situation emotionally, before we could do the practical stuff required to relocate and rebuild.

    There was a pre-requisite to the rebuild but we missed understanding this, until…

    A close friend started sending us a card every six or so days. In each card was written a quotation, the words of a song, or sentences our friend had read that she thought would be constructively helpful.

    One day when a card arrived, I was feeling very down. I read the words “Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different.” (Katherine Mansfield)

    The word attitude jumped right out. Changing our attitude was the pre-requisite we had missed seeing. What a realization—such a powerful one. It became the catalyst our family needed to accept our situation, stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and start to map out a recovery plan.

    And it all started from a simple, thoughtful act. Our friend had helped us survive.

    How can you, too, be a survivor when loss, health issues, financial challenges, or accidents block your path?

    Not all your problems will be as overwhelming as the one I’ve described. Nevertheless, every problem, including insignificant ones, can be worrying, even numbing. Knowing what to do will ensure that the physical and emotional scars left by your experience will not be very deep.

    Following are my five Dos and Don’ts that I documented from our experience, to help you work through every bump and hump, minor or major.

    This is not your usual list of “five practical steps.”

    Rather, the Dos and Don’ts are what reshaped our attitudes and emotions—a reshaping that was the pre-requisite to solving our practical issues—moving both our location and professional direction.

    5 DOs and DON’Ts to Ensure Your Survival

    1. DON’T bury your feelings.

    Denial, anger, and anxiety are normal feelings that can accompany setbacks. They’re also positive things—stepping stones on the road to acceptance and recovery. It’s natural, too, to feel completely overwhelmed and powerless.

    First, recognize and accept that the situation is real. Allow your feelings to surface and overflow. Have a cry, a yell, and a rave. You’ll empty yourself of the worst of your negative feelings and be quicker to mend and move on.

    We found that taking walks in a nearby park, among trees, provided a peaceful environment for us to clarify our feelings and come to grips with the above emotions.

    2. DON’T act like a victim.

    Things get worse when you focus on yourself and act like a victim.

    Quit blaming yourself, others, or external circumstances for what has happened. Going over and over what you should have done solves nothing. Wallowing in self-pity and beating yourself up takes your power away.

    Believe in yourself and your abilities. Believe that you are awesome enough to push through to a brighter future. Read inspiring books or put sticky notes with motivational quotes around the house. Say them out loud as you walk past. Take back your power over the situation.

    For us, mindfulness was a great tool to help us snap out of the victim mentality. We sat quietly for ten minutes a day and concentrated on our breathing, taking our focus away from our worries. The activity was very calming.

    Being mindful gives your mind a rest. You’ll problem solve more easily with a calm mind. You’ll move from victim mode into action mode, as we did, to hasten the healing process.

    3. DO keep the communication channels open.

    At these difficult times, keep friends and family close by as listeners and supporters. Find someone you can confide in about the challenges you face. Together, brainstorm possible ways to move ahead.

    Talking and sharing helps you see a different perspective so you can come up with creative solutions. It will also help you see that you’re not alone because others have been through equally challenging circumstances.

    I found keeping in touch with my usual contacts on social media helped lighten my load. I enjoyed logging on to sites like Tiny Buddha, where I received encouragement from others in the blogging community.

    4. DO be flexible.

    Accept that ups and downs are an inevitable part of life. Remembering that life moves through cycles of peaks and troughs will help you look forward to the rewarding times that lie ahead.

    These words from Alexander Bell, in one of our cards, gave us both a jolt. “Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open.”

    Be flexible; adjust your thinking and your goals. Becoming paralyzed and inflexible by the reality of your situation might deny you the opportunity to follow a new, exciting direction. Adapt so you can survive and thrive.

    Previously we were choosing to be miserable. Now we started asking empowering questions such as, “What choices do we have here?”

    This form of questioning encouraged flexibility and enabled us to expand our thinking. We found ourselves probing possible alternative— in what employment areas outside banking is financial expertise sought after?

    Being flexible isn’t easy. However, we found it absolutely necessary before we could move forward.

    5. DO focus on the good things in your life.

    Focusing on what you don’t have stops you from seeing all the wonderful things that you do have. Appreciate what you have, and the things that are working out well. You’ll gain a better perspective on life.

    Rejoice in any progress you make. Reward yourself with small treats such as coffee with friends. Each step and celebration provides motivation for the next one. You’ll find relief from the stress that has enveloped you.

    As a family we made a list of things we were thankful for such as good health. We included positive aspects of moving back to the city—more time to spend with our families, wider educational and sporting opportunities.

    Being thankful gave us a more positive outlook. Even the “castle” came back into view.

    We placed the following words where we could see them every day, and that helped too. “If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.” It’s something to smile about, eh?

    Final Thoughts

    Setbacks, tragedy, loss, and failures are part of life. So the joy and success we find in our daily life depends largely on the way we handle life’s problems—our attitude—as well as on our ability to keep going, no matter what.

    In other words, never give up.

    Setbacks are golden opportunities to learn and grow. It’s up to you to transform the pain into purpose.

    Ship in a storm image via Shutterstock