Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • 10 Ways Creativity Can Completely Change Your Life

    10 Ways Creativity Can Completely Change Your Life

    “Life is a great big canvas. Throw all the paint you can on it.” ~Danny Kaye

    I’ve had those days when I felt like my life was in the doldrums. When I felt stuck in the same-old, same-old and wondered how to get a pick me up. When I wished I had more passion or purpose or maybe just a jolt of joy to shake things up.

    Sometimes there were things I thought might make me happy, but I couldn’t have them just because I wanted them. Like, I couldn’t just snap my fingers and meet the man who sweeps me off my feet or become a kazillionaire.

    But there is something that’s always at my (and your) fingertips. Something we always have that will instantaneously make us happy, right now in this moment.

    And that is (drum roll please…) our creativity.

    Creativity is not just for artists or making art. Creativity is life making. It’s anything we do that turns us on, invigorates us, or offers a simple moment of pure merriment.

    For me, I love to paint and write. I knit while watching my favorite movies. I have a blast cooking and sharing my recipes. I let myself go wild in dance class.

    All of us have something we enjoy doing. Or something we think we would enjoy but don’t do because the bigger, more major things in our daily lives take priority. We just don’t make the time for it.

    Or we judge it as “a little hobby” (like crafting, kickball, or learning magic tricks).

    Or we think it will never become something significant or important (like changing the world.)

    Or we deem it as just plain silly. (Why pick up singing when we don’t even know how to stay in harmony?)

    But the things we enjoy are far more important than we could ever realize and can make a significant impact on our lives.

    Here are ten reasons why (and there are so many more):

    1. Creativity makes us present.

    Because we’re doing something we like to do, we’re engaged in the moment. Time passes in an instant ‘cause we’re just having some good ol’ fun.

    When I paint, write, knit, dance, or cook it’s like active meditation. Being present with myself dials up my knob of attention and wakes me up.

    Creativity stimulates us to be more mindfully in tune with our overall lives. It also calms our nervous system, decreases anxiety, and helps restore balance.

    2. We better our relationships.

    Simply because we enjoy doing something we love, we connect to ourselves more intimately. We develop a profound relationship with our inner selves.

    The more we connect to ourselves, the more we’re able to connect to others and deepen all of our relationships. This secures healthier bonds.

    And because we’re more fulfilled, the less we need others to fulfill us and the more we have to share. Our happiness expands and others feel it too and want to spend more time with us.

    3. We’re playing again.

    As kids we could create anything and have fun with it without worrying about what other people thought.

    We could sing out loud in the car, turn a mud-pie into a monster, or let our stuffed animals have conversations. We were all free in one-way or another.

    Creativity returns us to the innocence of our childhoods. And giving ourselves a break from the pressures of adult responsibility, we become lighter and increase our sense of humor as we delight in the pleasure of our amusements.

    4. We’re led to new wonderful opportunities.

    The current of creativity is like a river finding its sea. It always leads us to bigger waters. So even a small creative project might open us to whole new possibilities. We never know where it might lead.

    On a whim I got this idea to make a board game. My friends loved to play it and soon, I was hosting game parties once a month at my house for up to thirty people. It became such a wonderful way to bring people together, a publisher picked it up and today everyone can play it.

    But we don’t do it for product. We do it for pure joy and interest.

    For sure with any kind of project, as our creative juices get flowing, there’s an infinite pool to draw from to keep our inventiveness growing.

    5. Depression is lifted.

    While doing the things we enjoy, even if it seems small or easy, the self-judgments we make (like we’re not enough, or bad, or we don’t matter) are suspended. We do it just because of the sheer delight of doing it.

    It’s the permission we give to ourselves to do what we love that makes us forget we’re in the slumps. The more we engage, the more our spirits fly.

    Doing something that is not demanding or to win is the antidote to any dreariness or blahs. My mood always uplifts when I’m creating something just for my own gratification.

    6. It’s always new.

    Every time we make stuff we’re embarking on fresh, unknown territory. Each time we begin and as we continue, we’re traversing on a new adventure.

    Creativity has this awesome way of always changing things up. Even if it seems “mundane” like stirring a soup, or knitting a loop, or moving my body, it always brings a different experience.

    A plus is it also initiates new perspectives.

    7. We get out of our own way.

    When doing something we enjoy, we’re focused on the act of doing it rather than self-ruminating. It immediately gets us out of our head.

    So much of our unhappiness is bred from being fixed and consumed by our thoughts and behaviors. We tend to observe our feelings, words, and actions far too often.

    But when we’re engaged creatively, we’re freed from any internal traps that say something about us, especially because it doesn’t have to be so serious.

    It’s also the #1 best replacement for any addictions.

    8. We become amazed by our intuition.

    We may wonder what gives us pleasure when we feel stuck. But there’s always something whispering to us.

    That’s the beauty of creativity. It might be telling us to take a pottery class, or sign up for a book club, or learn a new spiritual practice because it knows this will add some sparkle and enliven us.

    When we listen, we realize that we’re being led by something much greater than us. The more we listen, the more astounded we are by what lives inside us.

    9. We build character.

    As we attend to our creativity, we feel better about ourselves. This simple act of showing up serves our self-respect and confidence.

    The more we make pleasurable, creative acts a priority, the more we rejuvenate, strengthen, and grow.

    Each time I sit down to write and my fingers get moving, I feel proud of myself for meeting the blank page head on.

    The overall gain is a greater sense of gratitude.

    10. Love begets love.

    The more we cultivate what we love, the more love we accumulate. Our cup flows over.

    Clearly there are days we may show up to do something we enjoy and it isn’t always enjoyable. Sometimes the cake doesn’t rise, the paint spills, or my muscles are sore. But finding creative ways to solve the problems can be fun if we continue.

    When we don’t worry about how it turns out and we do it simply for the wonder of exploration, our heart expands and love abounds. And this spreads out into our entire life.

    So, what’s compelling you to create? What might creativity be telling you to do because it’s sure you’ll gain from it? What if you just said yes to your freedom, fun, and happiness?

  • You Are the Author of Your Life Story (So Write One You’ll Be Proud Of)

    You Are the Author of Your Life Story (So Write One You’ll Be Proud Of)

    Your Story

    “When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.” ~Unknown

    I grew up without a TV in my household. While most of my friends were talking about their favorite shows, I’d pretend to understand, nod along, and try to laugh at all the appropriate times.

    While I had missed out on most of the shows and movies available during my youth, I didn’t miss out on all of them.

    Whenever my dad would need to work late, my mom, sister, and I would head to his office and get set up in a conference room with a rented movie. It was during one of these times that I was first exposed to the Star Wars trilogy.

    For many different reasons those three movies carry so much sentimental value for many millions of fans. For me, it was never the action, science, or acting that drew me in, it was the story.

    At its core, the plot of Star Wars is that a completely insignificant farmer’s nephew (so an insignificant of an insignificant) turns out to be the most important character in the story of the galaxy.

    It was about someone being whisked away from the boring life they knew, and some external force thrusting them into the middle of an amazing story.

    Having witnessed this as a child, that was the plan I created for my own life. It wasn’t until much later that I could articulate this reality, but it always was there.

    I was living my life expecting that at any moment I would be whisked away into an exciting and meaningful existence. I was living as if I was someone very important and was just waiting for my time to come, for my adventure to begin.

    Fast forward to twenty-nine years old, almost eight years as an engineer with the last three wishing I could quit my job, and my fantasy wasn’t panning out.

    I was beginning to get suspicious that nobody was coming, that my great adventure, the one that I just thought I needed to wait for, wasn’t going to show up. It was then that I started to consider the reality that I would need to change my strategy.

    I still wanted the adventure and the meaningful life, I was just now realizing that what I had hoped for—that it would be given to me—was less and less likely to happen.

    It was then that I started to realize that I had been living my life as if I was the main character in a story someone else was writing. I didn’t know my role or my lines, but believed that I was the main character. That had to change.

    The mental switch I made was to move from being the main character in someone else’s story, to the author of my own story.

    If I wanted adventure, I would have to write an adventure story, and if I wanted meaning, I was going to have to write a meaningful story. That shift was incredibly empowering, but also incredibly concerning, because now I was responsible for the story.

    It was no longer that someone else hadn’t started writing the life I wanted, but that each day I would be responsible for writing it.

    If it wasn’t what I had hoped for, it was my doing. One problem that I immediately realized was that I’d never written a story like this before, so where was I to start? That took some introspection.

    I had to outline the kind of story (life) that I wanted for myself, I had to outline the principles and values that I wanted for my main character (me), and I had to plan ahead what steps I would need to take to make progress in my story.

    It also meant that many of the risks that I would need to take wouldn’t just come at me, but that I would need to orchestrate them, and willingly and knowingly move into them.

    Fast-forward three years and I’m improving as a writer, at least of my own story. My main character is engaging with risk, he’s growing, and he’s learning a lot.

    I don’t necessarily know what the next few chapters look like, and I have no idea what the ending will be, but I’m hopeful, because right now my story is a good one, and I like where it’s headed.

    What about you? Do you feel like a character in someone else’ story, or do you feel like the author of your own?

    What kind of story do you want for your life, and what are the principles and values that you hold for your main character?

    Imagine at the end of this life we’ll all be comparing stories and someone will ask to see yours. When you look at what you’ve written so far and what you’re currently writing, will you be proud to show them, or wish there was more there?

    Chances are if you’re reading this you’re privileged with an amazing amount of freedom, opportunity, and financial power, certainly when compared to most of human history and much of the world today. All of those are ingredients for an incredible story; what will you write with them?

    Your story image via Shutterstock

  • When Following Your Dreams Results in Failure After Failure

    When Following Your Dreams Results in Failure After Failure

    “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Everyone tells you to chase your dreams and follow your passion. At some point, you’re brave and full of hope and decide to do it—quit your job, become an artist, apply for that dream job, and change your lifestyle.

    It’s wonderful and empowering and exciting and all those things that make living worthwhile.

    But what happens when you fail? When quitting your job left you broke, no one wants to publish your work, and your dream job turns you down? You are left feeling utterly defeated and a little bitter toward all those people who told you to go for it. It didn’t work. What then?

    I’m no stranger to failure. I’ve tried so many times and had nothing concrete to show for my efforts. I’ve had to tell people, “No, I didn’t get it.”

    Most recently, I’ve been hustling as hard as I can to get a job that will send me overseas in the development field to work for women’s human rights. Unpaid internships and grad school and applications and cold emailing have so far led to nothing.

    It can be incredibly frustrating and leave me feeling hopeless, sometimes questioning if it’s worth following these dreams when I’m feeling so defeated. Like I said, I have nothing concrete to show for any of my efforts yet.

    But a while back something happened that changed everything. And no, I didn’t get the dream job.

    What happened was internal. I was sitting outside with a mug of hot coffee cuddled between my hands, a soft jacket pulled around my shoulders to combat the cool, autumn morning. Red, yellow, and orange leaves were raining down from the trees, spiraling to the ground. Painted clouds streaked the deep, brilliantly blue sky.

    I could feel the sun on my face. And as I sat there, with none of my dreams coming true, I realized that it doesn’t matter if they never do.

    I am alive, healthy, and free. I have people who love me. And I have the capacity to be grateful for this life and the ability to even contemplate following my dreams, let alone throw everything I’ve got into the fray.

    I realized that even if my dreams never come true, I will be okay. It was so liberating. I will keep trying; I actually had a second wind after this realization. Because now I know that my life is full and worthwhile and beautiful even if I’m just sitting outside with coffee in the sunshine.

    If you allow yourself to love everything, as simple and small as it may be, even if not all of your dreams are unfolding around you, there may come a day when your dreams do come true and it will be icing on an already magnificent cake.

    The defeated feelings from failure come from letting all your hopes and happiness ride on the dreams coming true. If you allow yourself to appreciate the freedom and aliveness in just having the opportunity to try, the failing will be so much less painful.

    You should keep chasing your dreams and following your passion. At the same time, you shouldn’t let yourself feel so bad if you’re failing.

    Check with yourself and see—would it really be so awful if you just kept trying and things never quite worked out the way it does in your dreams?

    Really think about it. How wonderful and fun and exciting is it that you can go off and chase those dreams? And how much more concrete and valuable is love in your life, joy in the simple things, and appreciating what you have?

    If all your dreams come true but you neglected your relationships and forgot how to be grateful and happy with the little things, it won’t matter.

    Let living fully be your passion. Chasing your dreams is a byproduct of that. Finding a way to make them come true is not the end all, be all.

    Be fully immersed in your own life—your relationships with others and yourself, tasting good food, comfort and peace, enjoying a quiet morning with the sun on your face, laughter.

    Failure isn’t so bad when you realize that taking the steps to make your dreams come true is a dream coming true in itself.

  • 10 Ways to Feel Confident Doing Things That Scare You

    10 Ways to Feel Confident Doing Things That Scare You

    i Think I Can

    “With confidence, you have won before you have started.” ~Marcus Garvey

    It’s not a great feeling.

    Whether it’s meeting new people, speaking in front of a crowd, or learning a new skill, that inner knowing that you just aren’t feeling strong enough to competently complete the task ahead festers inside you.

    I’ve had this feeling on numerous occasions.

    As a kid I developed a fear of speaking out which emerged from a deep discontent with my body image, which translated later into a fear of socializing and public speaking.

    I would have thoughts running through my mind such as “what if they don’t like me?” and I was constantly worried about my physical appearance.

    I noticed this limited my ability to maintain friendships, as I couldn’t hold a natural, genuine conversation for long periods.

    As the years went on, however, I realized that a lack of confidence is something that we unconsciously acquire, not something that’s inherently built into our DNA.

    This spurred me to want to know how I can remove what I had accidently learned as a child.

    I also realized that confidence is not just a matter of being larger-than-life in the way we stand and speak.

    It’s a deeper level of a much simpler state: comfort.

    Comfort in your own skin, in your own body, or whatever the situation is.

    As an introvert, I still to this day prefer to avoid busy social situations or speaking with new people, but there’s not a fear or anxiety attached. It’s simply a preference.

    And one thing I know for sure is that confidence is not a matter of luck. It is, as many things are, a matter of mindset.

    Take the following simple, proven steps I took to become much more confident in all situations:

    1. Get crystal clear on the worst-case scenario.

    Popularised by Dan Gilbert in his book Stumbling on Happiness, our ability to predict accurately how good something will feel when something goes right, as well as how bad something will feel when something goes wrong, is vastly inaccurate. This is known as affective forecasting, and we are all prone to it.

    So instead of guessing, try writing down in words what would be the worst-case scenario if what you wanted to be confident in went completely wrong.

    You’ll notice that it’s never that bad. Life will still continue, and you can grow from the experience.

    Knowing this can put you at ease and prevent you from overestimating the consequences of taking that first step.

    2. Ready, fire, aim!

    Overthinking is the enemy of confidence. You’re better off jumping into the deep end and correcting errors rather than treading cautiously around the situation trying to pursue perfection, which is nothing other than an excuse for procrastinating.

    Show yourself you can be confident by doing the most confident thing of all: beginning.

    Take that first step and adjust accordingly afterward. You’ll make mistakes and feel a lack of confidence initially, but you’ll have laid the foundations for long-term inner strength and true confidence in the near future.

    3. Respect the law of excellence.

    As we all know, a few fundamentals are necessary to succeed in anything. We can all agree that repetition is one of them.

    If you want to gain confidence in something, you must do it over and over again.

    Why is practice so effective? Because confidence has a direct correlation with competence.

    Think about it; when you’re able to complete a task easily, don’t you naturally feel confident doing it?

    For example, when I wanted to develop more confidence talking to new people, I would simple practice talking to strangers as often as possible. With time, I realized that the worst-case scenario was never that bad, it’s better to say something before my mind could put me into fear, and I should repeat this as many times as possible.

    4. Watch your posture.

    Although confidence is not exclusively about the posture you hold and the gestures you make, as often stereotyped, posturing your body for confidence is important.

    Amy Cuddy, associate professor at Harvard Business School, became famous for her research that showed how standing and sitting confidently for a couple of minutes changes our biochemical layout in our brains, and thus actually affects how we feel.

    The takeaway: Our internal physiology responds to our bodily movements, including our posture and facial expressions. To instantly feel more confident, make your body first look as it would look if you felt confident. Simple, fast, free, and very effective.

    5. Maintain optimism, no matter what.

    When a situation makes us feel insecure, it’s really because we’re picturing an extremely negative outcome.

    The essence of being confident is to imagine a positive outcome instead of a negative one.

    Easier said than done, right?

    I agree! In my experience, however, the more you do this consciously, the more it becomes a habit, and eventually it becomes natural to think this way.

    In addition, the more competent you become in a given situation, the more you naturally develop a thought process where you imagine a positive outcome, every time.

    6. Step out of your comfort zone regularly.

    You’ll never know what you’re capable of until you touch the edges of your comfort zone on a regular basis.

    Once you reach the edge, you’ll have expanded your capabilities, and the circle of comfort will increase.

    This helps greatly because what you had previously felt was uncomfortable becomes second nature, and you have a new level of discomfort to challenge you to grow and expand your level of confidence.

    7. Remove all distractions.

    We want to know we can develop confidence not only authentically, but swiftly too. Like any skill, the more we remove unnecessary distractions, the quicker we can become better at it.

    For example, when I wanted to become more confident with public speaking, I regarded it as a new skill I was learning and developing, and thus I consciously decided to put everything else on the back burner so that I could focus solely on this one skill.

    In addition to harnessing your focus for faster improvements, removing distractions also creates extra time, which, as we discussed in tip #3, allows you to pursue excellence by increasing the frequency of practice.

    8. Be mindful of negative thoughts.

    This is by far one of the most virtuous habits to adopt for confidence.

    As mentioned before, a lack of confidence most often has its basis in thoughts that are unhelpful. To be able to step back and watch these thoughts, the moment they arise, causes an immediate release of negative emotional energy.

    It’s human nature to be self-critical at times: What if he doesn’t like me? What if she notices this flaw about me? Why do I always act this way?

    But none of these thoughts have power to bring us down without our belief in them. To reduce our attachment to them, we must first be aware of when they arise.

    From here, we can use the beautiful gift we have been given—our thought—to challenge these negative assumptions and eventually turn them around.

    With time and resilience, these thoughts will not even arise, and confidence will be a natural by-product.

    9. Exercise regularly.

    Our scientific understanding of neurophysiology proves that exercise has a beneficial effect on our moods.

    What many people don’t know, however, is that exercise has a direct impact on our confidence too.

    What’s even less known is that it’s not about how frequently you exercise, nor is it the intensity with which you exercise. It’s simply the mere act of exercising versus not exercising that can affect our levels of confidence.

    Researchers from the University of California reviewed fifty-seven case studies on how exercise influences mood and mental health, and they found that with the release of endorphins in the brain during exercise, we can develop a sense of increased self-confidence.

    So no need to enter the gym. Go for a pleasant walk every day. Your body and your mind will thank you for it.

    10. Feel the bass.

    Music is one of those universally loved forms of art. It can make us feel heightened states of emotion, both positive and negative.

    You can also use music to increase your confidence. Researchers from the Kellogg School of Management found that the right type of background music can be hugely effective in making you feel powerful and confident.

    Specifically, bass-heavy music can make us feel a boost in confidence. We often see this in stadiums before large sporting events, or when athletes or musicians psyche themselves up for an important performance.

    So don’t be afraid to get your headphones on and blast your favorite jams before your next event.

    Be Strong

    Remember, above all, you have the strength and intelligence within you to overcome any obstacle that’s in your way of living the life you truly deserve.

    Confidence is an attribute you can develop within yourself using these simple steps.

    Before you know it, you’ll be ready to take on the world with an unbeatable inner strength and power.

    And remember, never let anything get in your way.

    I think I can image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Envying Other People’s Seemingly Perfect Lives

    How to Stop Envying Other People’s Seemingly Perfect Lives

    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

    It’s in our nature to compare ourselves with others. The ability to weigh one situation up against another helps us make decisions and live our lives productively.

    The downside is that when you constantly compare your own life with those of other people, you will always come up short.

    Over-comparing causes envy. Envy is the feeling or sensation we have when we want to get something that someone else has and we can’t be happy for them when they have it.

    Getting stuck in a cycle of envy is just about the best way to ruin your life. Fortunately, there are several ways to deal with envy that will guide you toward happiness and well-being.

    Don’t Compare Your Cutting Room Floor With Someone Else’s Highlight Reel

    Have you ever seen anybody post an unflattering photo on Facebook? Let’s face it, you rarely read about someone fighting with their spouse, hating their job, or declaring bankruptcy. Most people show you what they want you to see—a highly edited, glossed-up version of their life.

    The next time you feel envious about someone else’s life, remember that you’re only looking at part of the story, the part they want you to see.

    Think of something that another person has that you want. For example, maybe someone you know is far more popular than you. On the surface it may appear that they are surrounded with people who look up to them, and that they are well-liked and respected.

    But in reality people might have a different view of them behind closed doors. In this case, the actual reality and what we perceive as reality are two very different things.

    Even the most enviable lifestyle has downsides. For example, many people covet the glamour and glitz of the rich and famous. But have you ever sat down and thought about what kind of life a famous person has?

    Ask yourself if you’d enjoy someone jumping out of a bush and taking a snapshot of you in your grubby tracksuit pants while you’re collecting the newspaper from the front lawn.

    There are always two sides to every coin. What you think you see is not necessarily the reality. So the next time you get caught up in envy, always remember that unless you are that person you don’t really have the whole story.

    Isn’t It Already Here?

    I am by nature a private person, but I wasn’t always that way. In my twenties I was invited to every party, had scores of friends, and was (in my own mind, at least) funny, clever, and popular.

    As the years went by I became more introverted, and not too long ago I started beating myself up for not having many friends. Why wasn’t I popular like other people?

    One particular couple that my husband and I love catching up with came to mind. Whenever we wanted to see them, we had to literally book months in advance because they were so busy with other social commitments.

    Then I started to really ask myself, what is the essence of what I think popularity will bring me? The answer was simple: I wanted to feel a sense of connection and belonging.

    It was at that time I realized that the essence of what I wanted was already here. I have a loving husband, a great family, a couple of good friends who would do anything for me, and plenty of time to do what I want.

    I also realized that I would absolutely hate not having a moment to myself; being popular would probably make me pretty miserable.

    So the next time you feel as though you’re missing out on something that somebody else has, drill down into the essence of whatever you think that thing would give you and ask yourself, is it already here?

    Do You Really Want What They Have?

    If you really want to play the comparison game, remember that if you want someone else’s life you have to be willing to do a complete swap; that is, you would have to give up your life as it is and swap over to theirs.

    Here’s an exercise that will help you decide if you really want out of your situation and into someone else’s:

    When you’re ready, think of someone you know who has the kind of life that you envy. Then take a piece of paper and in the left hand column write the heading “What I have that they don’t have.”

    Then in the right hand column, write the heading “What they have that I want.” In this column you are going to make a list of all the things this person has that you want. Write down whatever comes to your mind. For example, do they have a lot of money, a nice house, nice clothes, or the perfect partner?

    When you’ve finished doing this, move to the left hand column. Write down everything that you value in your life. For example, family, friends, pets, and everyone who is important to you.

    One caveat: the other person may indeed have friends, family, and pets just like you. But in this case you’re not so much looking at what they have (i.e.: a dog, a child, a husband), but the unique relationship and connection you have with your pets and loved ones. So remember to write down the names of your family members, friends, and pets.

    Be as specific as you can. Get really clear and what you love about your life. It could be something as simple as being able to finish work early on Thursdays so you can go to the gym.

    Now its crunch time; you’ll probably find that the list on the left hand side is much bigger than the list on the right. So ask yourself, is there anything in this list you would be willing to give up in order to have the life that the other person has?

    What you’ll likely discover is that everything you have in your list is as valuable as or more valuable than the things that the other person has.

    Practice Gratitude

    One of the reasons we feel envy is that we often take the good things in our own lives for granted.

    The happier you are with your lot in life, the more good things will come to you. Happiness studies show that truly happy people are not necessarily wealthy, powerful, or famous.

    They have simply made a choice to be happy by paying attention to the good things around them. Since whatever you focus on will become the inclination of the mind, this makes perfect sense.

    Every night before I go to sleep I ask myself the following questions:

    • What do I take for granted in my life?
    • Who are the important people (or animals) in my life?
    • Who is in my corner?
    • What freedoms do I enjoy?
    • What advantages have I been given in life?

    This allows me to take stock of what is important and gives me a nice feeling of contentment before I drift off to sleep. Try it for yourself!

    —

    Our society has conditioned us to believe that your net worth equates to happiness. Accordingly many people strive to be more, do more, and have more.

    But none of those things actually cause any lasting happiness. They are all impermanent and subject to change. Most importantly, they represent other qualities of heart that can be achieved regardless of net worth.

    Ask yourself the question: “What really makes me happy?” Is it actually the money, possessions, or reputation? Or is it freedom, joy, peace, and serenity?

    Happiness is the ultimate currency, and there’s no law that says there isn’t enough of that to go around.

    Envy image via Shutterstock

  • Losing Your Job Doesn’t Have to Mean Losing Yourself

    Losing Your Job Doesn’t Have to Mean Losing Yourself

    “I believe one of the greatest achievements in life is the choice to be empowered, not paralyzed, by a disappointment.” ~Lori Deschene

    I was recently fired from my dream job, and this was devastating to me.

    Anyone who has ever lost their livelihood should be able to relate to this experience. Vulnerability, shock, confusion, and anger dominated my feelings in the aftermath of suddenly losing a job that I loved.

    What happened? My company created a fantastic referral program, and I saw a business opportunity to take advantage of it.

    I reached out to multiple senior members of the staff in order to get approval for my business plan, and then I set it in motion. Two weeks later I was fired, without warning, for the very thing that I had openly sought and received approval for.

    Upon hearing the news, my mind was reeling. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry.

    How could they do this to me, particularly after being told the day before that I could soon expect a promotion? How could they be so cruel? Why couldn’t they work with me to resolve the issue in an amicable way?

    Thoughts of revenge swirled around in my head. I wanted to burn bridges. Oh lord, how I wanted to burn bridges!

    My life was suddenly thrown into turmoil. The plans that my girlfriend and I had made for our next year or so were thrown into disarray.

    Would I have to move away from her, and how would that impact our relationship? How am I going to explain this to my friends and family? How was I going to pay my rent? How can I ever feel secure in a future job? Am I “falling behind” my friends?

    What it largely boils down to is feeling a loss of my identity. Despite only working at this company for a few months, its mission is something that I felt (and continue to feel) incredibly passionate about.

    I don’t just mean that I lost my identity in the sense that “I am what I do.” Of course not—I’m so much more than just my job.

    But this job allowed me to act authentically; not only did I enjoy my work, but I actually felt as though I was living my life, rather than just working in order to live my life. I was doing good things, and promoting something that I loved.

    As Homer Simpson once said, “If I’m not a nuclear safety whatchamajigger, I’m nothing!”

    Losing my job meant that I was no longer “cutting-edge tech industry guy who is revolutionizing the world and helping the poor and downtrodden.” Or at least that’s what it felt like.

    But in reality, personal identity is far more complex than this. Whatever you think you are is at best only a vague approximation of who you really are.

    My former job was in customer service. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I really wasn’t using my skills to the best of my ability. There are other lines of work, even within the same industry, that would allow me to express my identity more authentically—and perhaps more profitably as well!

    I had gone through something similar before, and learned a similar lesson then. Career setbacks have allowed me to “fail up” in the past, and they can do so again.

    Even though it feels as though the rug has been pulled out from under my feet, past experience has proven to me that these situations can be among the most valuable.

    Real life requires embracing the uncertainty of who you are and accepting the vulnerability that comes along with this fact.

    My identity isn’t some fixed quality that is only expressed via a particular job. My identity comes from my values, and I have to trust that these values can be expressed in some even greater, more authentic way. In other words, I am more than what I think I am at any given moment.

    Getting fired is difficult, but it need not be emotionally devastating. It helps to talk about it with trusted people who love you. It helps to write things down. And it helps to look at being fired as something to evolve through rather than something you “get over.”

    So what’s next for me, then? I don’t know specifically, but I’m sure it will be something bigger, better, and more authentically me than what I have lost.

    And in the meantime, I need to “let go” and forgive those who I believe have wronged me. Luckily, I have been reading my copy of Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges, and just came across several exercises that are helping me to do this (April 9th and April 27th, for those keeping score at home).

    First, I’m visualizing my former manager and the HR representative “as a young child who is doing his or her best, making mistakes, and hoping for [my] understanding and forgiveness.”

    The fact is, I was working for a startup, and chances are they were just doing their best and didn’t really know how to handle the situation properly. It’s quite possible that they are beating themselves up over it.

    I’m certainly not happy about what happened, but perhaps they aren’t either. Everyone makes mistakes, and I forgive them for it.

    The second exercise, which perfectly sums up the message I am trying to convey in this essay, is to “imagine that you are the hero in a movie, and all the pain you’ve experienced has helped you grow, and will eventually help you thrive in life… you are the hero of the story, not the victim.”

    While I’m deeply saddened to have lost my job, this pain will be invaluable in fostering future growth.

    If you too have lost your job recently, or a role that feels like a part of your identity, try not to see it as losing yourself. You are so much more than any one job or role. And consider that maybe this happened for you, not to you. This chapter may be over, but the next one may be even better.

    Being fired image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Valid Reasons to Be a Quitter

    5 Valid Reasons to Be a Quitter

    “You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.” ~Nina Simone

    In my short life, I have left many jobs or situations. Some might call this “quitting.” Why has quitting gotten a bad rap?

    Spiritual teachers and wise people often advise letting go of situations that are no longer right for you. It doesn’t seem like we’ve gotten this message. I don’t think quitting is such a bad word.

    I quit my job just recently. And I feel great. Other things that I have chosen to leave: multiple jobs, a few relationships, and one PhD program (more on that later).

    Most people equate quitting to giving up. They think, “Oh, you just don’t feel like working anymore. Oh, you didn’t try hard enough.” This sort of thinking is what convinces people to stay in situations that are not serving them, not allowing them to be their best, or worse, hurting them (physically, emotionally, or spiritually).

    The job that I recently decided to leave was having a damaging effect on my life. Even people who love me (bless their hearts) have told me to stay in my job.

    It’s easy to let outside sources sway your decisions. Friends and family mean well, but they are not the ones living your life. You need to do what’s right for you. As I see it, it’s a strong decision to take a step that supports your health and well-being.

    That’s not to say there won’t be consequences. I still need to pay my rent, buy food, and provide for my companion animals. It’s all possible with a bit of planning.

    I accepted that my current situation was hurting my health. And so I quit. These are the reasons I am proud to be a “quitter”:

    1. I quit because I wanted to.

    Yes, this is a legitimate reason. You are allowed to enjoy your life! Actually, I would encourage it.

    If you’re not enjoying your life (the everyday, mundane parts), then something needs to change. You don’t always need an explanation. Following your heart is totally okay—you deserve it.

    2. I am learning to be the best version of myself.

    Life is constant change, and we are always growing (whether we admit it or not). I try to be intentional about this. Am I growing in the direction I want to?

    This was a big reason I left a PhD program that I was enrolled in. The academic, competitive environment wasn’t teaching me how to be a version of myself that I wanted to be. I left so that I could continue growing on my path to being a kind, generous person who lives according to my values.

    3. Perseverance isn’t everything.

    I think perseverance is a trait that we tend to over-value. Sticking it out is great—if you still believe in the goal and enjoy the work.

    It’s expected that you won’t enjoy every minute; it’s called hard work for a reason. But sticking it out just for the sake of it? Not something I believe in.

    If you’re no longer engaged in your work, it’s time for a change. You are not a failure. Plans change and that’s okay.

    4. It builds confidence.

    When you stand up for what you believe in and make bold life choices, it increases your self-confidence. You learn to trust your own judgment and your ability to deal with difficult situations.

    You don’t always need to follow the crowd. As you learn to make decisions for yourself, you will become more and more confident in yourself. And after all, your life is for you.

    5. Quitting creates space for something better.

    Ah, the possibilities. I have been dreaming of starting my own businesses, working for myself, and living a more creative lifestyle for years. What was I waiting for?

    It’s easy to make excuses when you have a day job. I told myself that I didn’t have time to work on my “passion projects.” I decided to make my whole life a passion project and in order to do that, I needed to create space by clearing out what’s not working. Goodbye, cubicle!

    When you say “no” to something that’s not right for you, you are allowing yourself to say “yes” to the things that are.

    —

    I am proud of the times in my life that I have showed perseverance and gotten through something tough. But I think I am more proud of the times I have taken a leap.

    I quit because I wanted better for myself, because I know I deserve it, and because I wanted to. I’m not advocating that everyone go out and quit their jobs today. But it’s important to keep assessing your life and see if you want to continue choosing what you chose in the past.

    It’s okay to quit some things, or a lot of things, if you’re like me. You deserve your dream life. Now go get it.

  • How to Stick with New Habits When It’s Hard

    How to Stick with New Habits When It’s Hard

    “Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones.” ~Benjamin Franklin

    You probably agree with that statement.

    But, for you (and everyone else) the problem is that good habits are hard to form and bad habits are easy to keep.

    It is certainly true for me. Like most of us, I meant to start exercising for about six years after I started my career.

    But it never happened. I’d do it for two or three weeks here and there, but nothing that ever stuck.

    Then, all of a sudden, it did.

    And it did because something changed for me. I had a son that was old enough to mimic me who I wanted to be able to keep up with for the next twenty years.

    That scared me straight essentially.

    In a number of areas in my life, including fitness, I realized he was going to base a significant portion of his view of how to live life and what habits were important off of what he watched me do.

    So I stopped acting like I was going start exercising and actually did it.

    To create my new habit, I used a combination of the techniques below.

    You can use them to firm up your new habit and get your good habit quotient up.

    1. How “meaning well” guarantees failure.

    We’ve all told ourselves that, even if we didn’t do what meant to, at least we meant well.

    “I meant well” is a pretty good way to make sure your habit won’t stick. It is making your intentions the ultimate measure.

    The problem is, you don’t actually have to do anything to have good intentions. So you won’t.

    Deciding that what you value is results rather than intentions is critical to you actually forming your new habit.

    When you shift your value from intentions to results, you will stop just talking about starting the habit or trying to figure out the perfect way to do it, and just start doing it because that is the only way to get the results you want.

    You will figure it out along the way, and when you do, you will be much closer to the result you want.

    2. Mondays aren’t special; start your new habit today.

    Start whatever habit you are trying to create the day you decide to create it.

    No need to wait for the next Monday (or the next day you get a solid eight hours of sleep or when a magical fairy whispers in your ear that you should start today).

    Starting now will make creating your habit easier.

    Delay will have two consequences you want to avoid: a) you lose the days between when you decided to start and when you actually did, which you could have used to practice your new habit and b) instead, you will have spent those days practicing exactly what you are seeking to avoid, not doing the habit.

    So start now, and use those precious days to practice the result you actually want.

    3. Why torture yourself?

    Starting a new habit is hard and keeping it is harder. But if you know why you are doing it, it makes it much easier to stick to.

    Using the example from my life, when the reason I was trying to work out was because it was something I was “supposed to do,” and I wanted to lose the extra pounds because my clothes fit tighter than I liked, it didn’t work.

    But it finally clicked when my “why” became to keep up with my high-energy son now, to be fit enough to keep moving and playing well into old age, and to be a good example for him.

    Now, if for some reason I have to skip a workout, it bothers me instead of giving me a sense of relief. It’s been quite a change.

    For you to make the change, you also have to have an actual goal that you care about, that is yours, not what everyone says you should do.

    Then creating the habit will be about the why, not the habit. The habit that is just a means to the end you want.

    So if you miss a day, you aren’t just missing a day of your habit, you are missing an opportunity to get to your goal. That’s much harder to skip.

    4. The how is irrelevant; talk to yourself about the why.

    This is a huge one. How we talk to ourselves about the new habit will almost completely determine whether it sticks.

    Do we talk about the habit as just the habit, or in terms of why we want the habit in the first place?

    Here’s what I mean, using my fitness example…

    Back when I couldn’t make it stick, my self-talk fairly often went like this:

    “I’m tired; I need another hour of sleep (despite having watched three hours of Netflix prior to deciding to go to bed the night before), so I’ll skip the workout today. It’s no big deal, I’ll get it tomorrow.”

    I’d have this conversation a few mornings in a row, and eventually I didn’t even go through the trouble of having it; working out out just wasn’t an option anymore.

    But then it changed. On those mornings when I hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep, I started talking to myself in terms of my “why,” not my “how” (the actual habit).

    That went like this: “Do I want to exchange this chance to be a good example and a more active father for an hour of sleep?” I never said yes.

    When you are asking yourself whether today is the day that you skip whatever your habit is, frame it around the result you are seeking, not the action you are taking to get the result.

    You are much less likely to bail because doing so will be essentially deciding you no longer want that result.

    5. Decide once, and never decide again.

    Every time you are faced with whether you will stick to your new habit, you are faced with an opportunity to quit.

    So make it easy on yourself; decide once at the beginning that whatever your habit is, that is what you do now, and then don’t ever reconsider the question.

    I leaned heavily on this one when starting to workout regularly.

    I didn’t decide I would workout today.

    I decided I would get fit and stay fit, and I decided that working out three days a week (MWF) was how I would do it.

    Not working out stopped being an option. I didn’t have to face whether I would workout every day, I had already answered that question when I decided I would get fit, so I stopped asking it.

    I definitely have to remind myself of it every once in awhile, particularly on nights where I don’t get near the sleep I would like.

    But I still, for the most part, never ask the question. I just get up and go.

    Decide once and be done with it.

    Declare that you are the person that does your habit because you want to reach your goal, then act in accordance with that declaration.

    6. Do your work early.

    Put yourself in a position where you are committed before you have to commit. Do something so that you will have to actively undue it to avoid performing the habit.

    To continue my workout example, the night before I am going to workout, I put my gym bag together, get out my workout clothes and shoes, and put them in a pile in my living room.

    Now, for me to not go workout, I will have to put those clothes back up. I have to actively do something to not workout. So, instead, I put on the clothes and go workout.

    Find something you can do that commits you to performing your new habit before you actually have to perform the habit, and, since you already have to do something, you will likely just do the habit instead of undoing the thing you did.

    Now What?

    Take one or more of the six methods and apply them to that habit you can’t seem to get to stick.

    Do it today.

    You will be pleasantly surprised at how much easier it will be to actually stick to it this time.

    But, before you do that, I’d love to hear what has helped you create and keep new habits, either one of the six above or something else. Please leave a comment below and let me know!

  • If You’re Scared to Share Yourself and Your Gifts

    If You’re Scared to Share Yourself and Your Gifts

    Hiding Woman

    “True happiness involves the full use of one’s power and talents.” ~John W. Gardner 

    If you’re afraid…

    …to launch your project,

    to share your voice,

    to sing in front of someone,

    to dance in public,

    to write a book,

    to show who you really are to the world,

    to ask someone out,

    to tell someone you love them,

    to try something new,

    of what other people will think of you…

    if you’re afraid of any of these things or more, I have three simple words for you:

    Do it anyway.

    Do it anyway! Isn’t that liberating? Come on, isn’t it kinda?

    You don’t actually have to overcome your fears to do any of the things you’re afraid of. Every single time you become conscious that you’re frozen from fear you get to make a choice. You get to choose to continue to be stuck or you get to choose to move through the fear.

    Moving through the fear does not mean that fear is going to go away. And let’s just be clear here: trying to be fearless is a waste of our time and energy.

    Trying to be fearless is an attempt to make it easy to do something that feels difficult. It could also be called avoidance. Instead of avoiding, you can choose to feel the fear right now and do what you need to do in spite of it. Yes, it’s going to feel scary. But so what?

    If we want to focus on how things feel for a minute, let’s think about this deep desire you have to share your art. (When I say art, I’m speaking about your gifts, your service, the thing that your soul is screaming to share.)

    So, you have this deep calling to share your art but there’s also this other part of you that is afraid. So you think about all of the reasons you’re scared and you analyze them and you go back to your art and you try to make it more perfect so you can squelch any potential haters.

    Then it’s time to share and you get scared again, and this cycle goes on.

    This might look a little differently for you.

    You might just be frozen in fear. You might be so scared you haven’t even started your art. You might be avoiding it. You might be perfecting it, so convinced that a true artist spends a lifetime perfecting something when you’re really just scurrrred. Yes, you are.

    And all of this that I’m describing, all of it spells out A.N.X.I.E.T.Y. So let’s take the power out of fear.

    So let’s take the power out of fear. If we do it anyway, if we launch the project, if we stop perfecting, if we take any kind of leap that feels risky, we’re telling fear that its voice doesn’t hold any weight.

    Isn’t that more fun than all of the anxiety around avoiding the leap? Just jump. It’s the most difficult and yet the simplest thing you can do. And the trick is that once you do it the first time, it gets a little bit easier to jump the next time.

    One of my favorite Paulo Coelho quotes is handwritten on a chalkboard in my kitchen. It says, “No matter how you are feeling, get up every morning and prepare to let your light shine forth.”

    I write a lot about the fleeting nature of feelings. They come and go. They’re not stable. They blow with the wind. So yeah, it would be lovely to be stoked to share your gifts with world. But the truth is that when it comes to being seen and heard, most of us are scared, and most of us are scared of what other people think.

    What other people think about your work is none of your business. Your business is listening to your soul and abiding by it.

    Your business is connecting with the depths of yourself and living a life so fulfilling that there could never be such a thing as regret.

    Your job is not to worry about someone else, change yourself for someone else, or stifle yourself out of fear of someone else.

    And let’s just shift our perspectives a bit. We spend so much energy worried about whether people will misunderstand us, dislike us, or mistreat us. The truth is that most people are supportive. Most of the people we fear will surprise us and say, “Hey what you’re doing is awesome. I admire it.”

    And the very few who don’t, the ones who want to critique you instead of looking at themselves, they’re the last people you should be worrying about. Judgment comes from fear. And when someone else projects their fear onto you, it’s not worth an ounce of your energy. Keep it movin’.

    No, it’s not easy to do things that feel scary. It can be painful to show the parts of yourself that are really you. It can be really hard to hear people say mean things about your art.

    The truth is that there are really unpleasant things about being alive, but there are also things that are more important than feeling good.

    When your soul is screaming loud enough you’ll have no choice but to listen and leap. But maybe do it before then. Maybe choose to move through the fear as soon as it shows its face. Maybe do it anyway.

    Hiding woman image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Feeling Stuck

    5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Feeling Stuck

    “Remember, you can’t reach what’s in front of you until you let go of what’s behind you.” ~Unknown

    After recently relocating from the UK to Central America, I found it hard to focus my energy and attention again. The upheaval had been all consuming and I was now in a new environment with new routines, new challenges, and a new way of life to adjust to.

    I had so much I wanted to do, and I didn’t know which area of life to focus on first. The stuckness I felt affected several different areas of my life, from creating a new exercise routine, to reworking how to spend my mornings, to deciding which work projects to focus on first.

    Every time I’ve felt stuck or stagnant in life, I’ve noticed that what helps me get out of this place isn’t trying to resolve everything at once. When I try to take action or make changes blindly, I sometimes end up feeling even more stuck than I felt before. Instead, what helps is taking a step back and asking myself the right questions.

    Here are five of my favorite questions to ask myself when I’m feeling stuck:

    1. What is the number one thing that, if I started doing it, would have the biggest positive impact on my life?

    I love asking myself this question because it cuts through the noise and brings me to what is most important right now.

    One of the times I tend to feel stuck is when I’m trying to focus on too many things at once. I experience overwhelm, decision fatigue, and consequently don’t take the action that would get me unstuck again.

    In his book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, author Greg McKeown reveals that the word “priorities” didn’t exist in plural form until the 20th Century. Until then, the only usage was “priority.” The concept of choosing just one priority has been lost since then, and this question helps us return to that focus.

    I also find it powerful to flip this question and ask myself, “What is the number one thing that, if I stopped doing it, would have the biggest positive impact on my life?” Thinking about the question from this perspective leads to valuable insights that introduce a little more clarity and ease into my life.

    2. What is “good enough?”

    Expecting or desiring perfection is one of the fastest ways to feel stuck, because perfection doesn’t exist. When we approach different areas of our lives with the belief “this either has to be perfect or it’s a failure,” it’s understandable we shy away from making decision or taking action. That’s a lot of pressure!

    Instead, I’ve found it helpful to ask myself “What does good enough look like here?” Good enough isn’t about scrimping on effort or not trying. It’s about challenging ourselves without introducing the unrealistic burden of superhuman results.

    3. What do I really want, and how might I be stopping myself from getting that?

    We often have far more control over some things than we think we do. When we don’t take ownership of this power, we can feel helpless in the face of external events and forces and also feel stuck.

    Of course, there are many things that we can’t influence. We need to be discerning about focusing on what we can control and letting go of the things we can’t.

    For example, many of us want other people in our lives to validate and support our decisions and actions, but we can’t control how other people feel, act, or respond. If we’re waiting for others to change or to give us permission before we go for what we want, we’re waiting for something that is beyond our control.

    Asking this question helps us identify where we might have more control over our situation than we think we do. It also sheds light on what we can do differently to feel more powerful and in charge of our circumstances.

    4. In ten years’ time, what will be most important to me?

    How many big decisions from ten years ago can you remember today? I don’t know about you, but a lot of the things I agonized over a decade ago aren’t even on my radar now!

    The gift of hindsight is a beautiful thing, and the good news is that we don’t need to wait for ten years to pass to get clarity on current events and choices.

    When I ask myself this question, it takes me out of a scarcity-based short-term mindset and helps me stay true to my values in the long-term. I can focus on who I want to be and on the activities and projects that most contribute to my long-term desires and goals.

    5. Who do I need to become to do what I want to do?

    We tend to think of getting unstuck in terms of action and doing. While this is important, there’s another piece we need to take into account too: our identity.

    In the past, I’ve felt stuck even though I’ve known exactly what my next action steps were and that I’m capable of taking them. In these times, the issue has been my self-concept (i.e. how I see myself). If the action conflicts with my self-concept, I’m likely to feel stuck until I acknowledge that and shift my perspective of myself.

    This happened when I started running and exercising regularly. After a while, I would stop doing either of these things without knowing why. Because of this, I wasn’t seeing much change or difference in my fitness levels or skill, and it was frustrating.

    When I unpacked what was happening, I realized that I just didn’t see myself as a sporty person. I had a leftover identity from childhood of “the unathletic one,” and exercising on a regular basis challenged this. In order to reach my fitness goals, I needed to shift my self-concept from “unathletic” (a judgment) to “someone who takes care of themselves on a regular basis.”

    Through doing this, the resistance shifted and I was able to make regular exercise part of my life.

    What questions do you ask yourself when you feel stuck? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

  • Shedding Layers of Pain and Learning to Love Our Bodies

    Shedding Layers of Pain and Learning to Love Our Bodies

    Amy Pence-Brown

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.” ~Buddha

    I cried when I watched the YouTube clip of Amy Pence-Brown standing in a bikini in a crowded marketplace in Idaho.

    In the clip Amy asks people to write on her body. Her arms are wide open, she has a blindfold on, she has curves and cellulite, and she is completely vulnerable.

    Why did she do it? Because she wanted to say: Here’s my body, complete and real. You can choose to accept me or reject me, but here’s my body. I want to make a statement that all bodies are valuable. I want to work toward self-acceptance.

    I cried because she was doing the inverse of what we have trained ourselves to do.

    I cried because I have spent most of my life disliking my body.

    I cried because I recognized how brave Amy’s gesture was.

    I cried because people were kind and wrote words and symbols of love and acceptance all over her body.

    I cried because I’ve experienced the inverse.

    I cried because so many of us have experienced the inverse.

    Let’s acknowledge just how deep it goes.

    I know a lot of people write about this. The advice is usually that we need to ignore the billboards and societal pressure and to stop striving for the body perfection we’ve been taught to seek; that instead, we should embark on a journey to love the skin we’re in.

    This is all true but it doesn’t really acknowledge just how very hard this is to do. It’s flippant.

    The fact is that many of us have had days, weeks, months, and years of messaging. It’s first come from external sources but is then repeated over and over again internally. The messaging is that our bodies are not okay; that they unacceptable.

    We have been living in a house that we’ve been taught to dislike or hate for a very long time.

    So when we are told that we should learn to love our bodies, we need to recognize that this is not an easy thing to do by any means. It’s going to take work and focus and a lot of grace and love.

    The whole debate about whether someone should be happy with themselves as “fat” or “thin” or “athletic” or “normal” is immaterial.

    When love is given, it doesn’t matter what shape it’s given to. It’s just given. Really, that’s what we are all looking for. When we think of our body we want to think of it lovingly. I’m not talking about pride here as pride arises from comparison and ego; I’m talking about love.

    Can we remember what it was like before?

    How on earth do we learn to love our bodies given that we have years of training to hate them?

    When I thought about what it would really take to love my body, given what I was up against, I had a fleeting memory of myself as a young girl playing in a stream on a sand island off the coast of Australia.

    I was determined to build a wall to block the stream so I could have a bath. I remembered how fun that was and exactly how it felt to be in that body.

    I then remembered other experiences in my young body like doing high jump, running around in bare feet, climbing up trees, dancing, and swimming in the ocean.

    I remembered back then I didn’t think of my body as anything other than a vehicle for adventure. In fact, there were many times I didn’t think of my body at all.

    I then started to think about the exact point in my life when I started to acknowledge and dislike my body. For me it was around puberty when my body started to fill out.

    I got pimples and started to be rated by others as attractive or unattractive. Soon boys rejected me or were indifferent, and the appearance of my body became a priority. My outside was now part of my worth.

    My body was affecting my social standing. I saw the people who had better bodies become more popular; their experience of life seemed effortless. Whether or not this was the reality was lost to me.

    In these formative years I would consciously or subconsciously direct my thoughts to how much I disliked my body.

    I had years of training before my twenties hit, so these thoughts didn’t go away even though, in my case, the pressure to have the perfect body did.

    After all of this remembering I asked myself, how I could get back to the little girl in the stream that was determined to build that dam?

    I looked down at my body. It’s not something we body traumatized people often do.

    Then. One by one, little by little I saw grey layers form around my body.

    I knew that these layers were old.

    They had formed over many, many years.

    They built on each other, binding together.

    They built over the little girl.

    They were the specific experiences that had haunted me. They were the memories of the people who rejected my body, who had called me ugly, whether it was through a gesture, a look, or words. They were the moments when I experienced overwhelming dislike for various parts of my body.

    I acknowledged that there were a lot of layers and my job was to work through them bit by bit. To thank the memory and experiences, to cry and to say that’s enough, I’d like to move on, thank you very much. You will not define me or my concept of who I am anymore.

    For the truth of it is that these are just layers and underneath them all is the girl that didn’t see her body as anything other than a vehicle for adventure. She is still gloriously there.

    I know there a lot of us out there who have these layers.

    I know that the journey toward body love is not simple.

    I wondered what would life be like if we worked through these layers and shed them with the goal of coming back to the part of ourselves that is unencumbered. I wondered if this would mean that this part of our existence would be a little freer, a little more joyful?

    Amy Pence-Brown did a very brave thing and stood in a crowded marketplace. She asked people to love her body, and they did.

    Her reward for this brave act was a shedding of some her own layers of pain and hurt and I’ve no doubt that she loved herself just a little more on that day.

    We have that opportunity to love in this lifetime as well. We just need to remember.

    Photo by Melanie Folwell 

  • Finding Love Now Without Searching for It

    Finding Love Now Without Searching for It

    Find Love

    “Even in the loneliest moments I have been there for myself.” ~Sanober Khan

    My life coach once suggested I give myself the love I needed, which saddened me profoundly. Was that not supposed to be the job of “the love of my life,” whom I would find one day? In fact, I had not met anyone who completely gave up on the idea of finding love, no matter how long they had been single.

    Why though?

    I myself was happily single for years and yet deep down, there was still that expectation of finding love one day.

    Recollecting my moments of loneliness and longing, I came to a rather selfish conclusion—it would have been so much easier to deal with my life problems and negative bouts of emotions if I had had someone that could make me believe “all is okay as long as we have each other.”

    I felt alone all my life—in my family, among friends, and even in the long-term relationship I once had. That was probably why I always secretly yearned for that special someone who would understand me at the deepest level and love me the way I would like to be loved. Someone who would take away my loneliness…

    I knew love was also about the joy of giving and being there for another person. However, my need for love was ultimately a desire for support and assurance. After all, being single never bothered me when life felt great in every way!

    It suddenly struck me, what if I went through the rest of my life never meeting this perfect someone? Could I somehow give myself the support and assurance needed?

    Finding love was an exhausted topic. However, while the concept of love was broad, when it came to finding love, people almost exclusively meant love for and from another being. When we felt the desire for love, we therefore naturally sought it out of ourselves.

    What if, by finding enough love from within, we no longer felt the need for that special someone?

    Empowering, but scary, I found.

    It was easier to ignore my problems believing that the solutions to them were already out there in the form of this great love that I, like most people, would eventually find.

    It was comforting to think that once this love was found, life would suddenly become better without me having to work anything out. The perfect partner would halve the weight of my life responsibilities, take away my moments of fears, and increase my happiness tenfold—so I hoped.

    If I stopped counting on that special person to “fix” my life, I alone would become the solution to all my problems. And that was not exactly a comfortable thought. As Erica Jong put it, “Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame!”

    The hope for a magical solution someday took away the pressure of this moment, but with it went the power to impact my own life today. Rather than the perfect man, what I really needed was courage to face my own life’s struggles, I finally decided.

    Then, as if to test my resolve to find love and courage from within, life threw me a month of inner turmoil. My fears, doubt, and confusion were so consuming that for weeks I felt physically weak.

    I had given myself twelve months to freely learn and develop, taking the risks I would not have considered in my previous corporate life. In the spirit of embracing the unknown, I had been going wherever passion and opportunities took me. It had been a wonderful journey but now that the “allocated” time ran out, my sense of identity came into question.

    What if I did not have what it took to build a career on my own terms? What if the impact I wanted to make in the world was no more than an indulgent dream? Did I just let my ego take over when rejecting outright the idea of going back to full-time employment? Had I abandoned my responsibilities to myself and my family in this heady place of living a passion?

    Alone in what seemed like a fight for sanity, I desperately searched for a way to give myself the support needed.

    I knew that while my feelings were associated with unresolved problems, I could feel differently without anything being resolved.

    The emotions were a result of me being caught in a spiral of destructive thoughts and perceptions. If I could somehow shift my focus away from being “a failure with no future” and inhabit a new perspective on my current situation, I would be relieved of the overwhelming feelings.

    However, there was no good forcing positive thoughts through because my emotions had by then become a physical felt sense that would just stay there in my body even when my mind was far from my worries.

    Every day went by with me increasingly aware of something heavy constantly choking my throat and pressing down on my heart. Tears would stream out in random moments for no apparent reason.

    It was in that state that I attended a session called kindfulness—mindfulness practice with kindness. When I mentioned to the teacher about my usual problem of being distracted by thoughts in meditation and my fear of being even more aware of my heavy feeling while focusing on the present moment, I was told to welcome and be with whatever came.

    As I turned my attention to what was happening around me and within me, I was acutely aware of my distracting negative thoughts and that heavy felt sense. However, I was also drawn to the soothing sight of leaves shimmering in the breeze under the sun outside. Just like that, my focus swiftly and freely moved from one thing to another.

    For ten minutes, I sat there observing and accepting. Unlike with my other attempts to meditate, I for once did not mind the fact that I was doing it badly.

    To my amazement, my heavy felt sense virtually disappeared after the session. Just to make sure I was not fooling myself, I turned my mind to the unsolved issues. They were still there, only, I no longer felt them the way I had.

    I realized that it was probably the first time I gave myself a gesture of gentle kindness. There were no must, should, need to in those ten minutes. Neither was there a familiar inner voice telling me that this quiet time was a rare treat and I would have to work hard to earn it again. Like a true friend, I simply gave myself the tenderness of acceptance and companionship.

    So it was by chance on a random Sunday afternoon that I found the love I needed—not in the courage that I had thought I would have to build, but in the softness of newly-found kindness for myself.

    When I drift into thoughts of being in a relationship these days, I find that my former neediness has now been replaced by simple curiosity. Without expectations of support and assurance from a partner, I wonder what my new experience of romance would be like. I find myself smiling mischievously at the thought.

    When destructive emotions take over, we are often overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness that sends us looking for support in others.

    It is great when such external support can be found in a loved one, but it is also immensely liberating to know that with a little self-compassion, you alone can be the solution to what seems like your greatest struggle. After all, as it is often said, we cannot expect from others what we cannot give ourselves.

    Find love image via Shutterstock

  • Your Kindness Could Help Someone Find Hope in the Darkness

    Your Kindness Could Help Someone Find Hope in the Darkness

    “Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” ~Scott Adams

    I was ten years old and growing up in a home that I can only describe as hellish. Among other things, our father forced us to stand against the wall for long periods of time until we shook from exhaustion. On one such day, he sent me to McDonald’s to buy him a cup of coffee.

    I was happy to get out of the house and escape my punishment momentarily. As I headed to McDonald’s, I wondered what it would be like to never have to go back home. I hoped that I would have a better life someday, but I could not see how.

    When I arrived at my destination and opened my mouth to order the coffee, I burst into tears. I just could not hold them back any longer and they came pouring out right there at the counter in McDonald’s.

    As I stood there, a sobbing, broken little ten-year-old girl, a lady came out of nowhere. She said, “Sweetheart, would you like something for yourself? I will buy you anything you want. Just tell me what it is and I will get if for you.”

    I was so touched by her kindness that I cried even harder. There was nothing on that menu I wanted. I wanted a better life. I wanted never to have to go home again.

    Eventually I stopped crying and went home with the coffee, but I never forgot that lady or her kindness to me. I’ve often wished that I could find her and thank her for what she did that day.

    We interact with so many people every day, in traffic, at the office, and online. If you walk down the sidewalk in a major city you will walk past hundreds of people. The next time you do this, look at them. Really look at them.

    Every single one of these people has had his or her heart broken at one time or another. Guaranteed. You never know what other people are dealing with.

    The person who cut you off in traffic may be struggling with a difficult child or spouse. He or she may have just gotten fired. Of course, it’s possible that they’re simply rude, but you never know. We can’t always be at our best, but we can try.

    It is not always possible to know why people act the way they do, but I can guarantee that you will feel better if you give people the benefit of the doubt more often than not.

    When in doubt, be kind. It doesn’t cost anything to be kind.

    Can you express concern for someone today? Will you take a minute to hold the door for someone or let them in front of you in traffic?

    Why not pick up the phone and call a friend who could use a kind word? You could send a quick email or text to someone you’ve been thinking of. If you want to go all-out, send a hand-written note or card to someone.

    When you encounter a person who is less than charming, consider taking a deep breath and trying to understand where he or she is coming from. Do they have a point? Can you let it go?

    Instead of rushing through your day, try slowing down and seeing how you can be of assistance. Be open to being of service, even in small ways. Instead of worrying because you’re too busy at work to volunteer on a regular basis, you could just volunteer for an hour or two.

    You can make an enormous impact on someone’s life, even with one small kindness. I still struggle to find the words to describe how much that simple act of compassion meant to me all those years ago.

    I went back home and life was still hard. Nothing changed for a very long time, but I had a tiny seed of hope in my heart that began to grow.

    I went to bed that night knowing that there is kindness in this world. Good things were possible and all was not lost. Somehow, it would be okay because there are good people in the world.

    Even today when I’m struggling with something and all seems lost, I remember that day. I remember that there’s always hope. I send a silent thank you to my would-be benefactor.

    You don’t have to be Mother Teresa or Abraham Lincoln to make an impact in someone’s life. You can simply take a minute out of your day to encourage someone. You never know how much of a difference you can make with one small act of kindness.

    If you lived in the south suburbs of Chicago in the late seventies and offered to buy something for a crying girl at McDonald’s, I want to send you a very belated thank you. This post is dedicated to you.

  • 7 Small Changes that Can Increase Your Happiness Overnight

    7 Small Changes that Can Increase Your Happiness Overnight

    Smiling Sun

    “Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama

    I used to be constantly depressed.

    After dropping out of college, I worked three jobs a day to help make ends meet. At the same time, my classmates were graduating from college and getting much higher paying, cushier jobs.

    I lived in a tiny apartment that had cockroach problems. I constantly complained and could not find the motivation to do anything. I thought about giving up. It was only when I started making these small changes that I started to feel happier.

    1. Embrace religion and/or spirituality.

    Religion and spirituality have been shown to help people daily, providing hope, stamina, and faith in something bigger than themselves. It’s a largely recognized practice throughout all cultures, promoting positive ways of being, humanity, love, and morality.

    Practicing religion is good for the soul and makes you more aware of those things that are beyond you.

    Recognize that the universe is large, and you are a small, but key player in it. Feel significant that you are a part of such a large and wonderful system. Take time each day to pray and focus on the bigger picture, whatever that may be for you.

    When I started practicing Buddhism, I found myself better able to put things in perspective. Rather than be bogged down by the immediate circumstances and the heat of the moment, I learned to first take a step back. This helped me get through many days where I would otherwise feel depressed.

    2. Socialize.

    Humans are social beings, so it’s important to unwind and spend time with friends. Friends provide a social network for group enjoyment, whether it’s through sharing a meal, watching a movie, or playing games. The opportunities are endless. Plus, they are your support system during tough times.

    Friends are not the only means of socializing. Volunteering provides a social outlet with a humanitarian benefit. It’s a good idea to give time helping those causes that are important to you.

    Are you an animal lover? Spend time at a shelter or cuddle up with kittens at Cat Haven. You’re a people person? Find a local charity that allows you to feed the homeless or help a child learn to read. If you love politics, volunteer for a candidate you believe in.

    When I first started feeling depressed, I became very reclusive and would shun any interaction with those around me. I gradually realized that that was only making things worse.

    Now, regardless of how busy I am, I make time to meet with my best friends at least once a week. I invariably felt happier and more relaxed after those meetings.

    3. Work positively.

    Your job takes up much of your day, so find ways to enjoy it. Be creative.

    Bring headphones to work and listen to music while you’re being productive, which will improve your work performance. Bring flowers or simple green plants to your desk and decorate your workspace, personalizing it to you. Take small walk breaks to stretch your legs and clear your mind. Don’t forget to hydrate. It’s important for the thinking process.

    Find ways to use your own set of personal skills to improve a role within your company. Your boss will be grateful. Focus on how your work enhances the lives of others or contributes to the growth of the economy in some way. Changing these small things can help you work more positively.

    When presented challenging tasks at work, I used to complain a lot. My happiness and work satisfaction improved significantly when I turned this habit on its head. Instead of avoiding challenges, I looked forward to them; I now see them as a way to help me learn and grow.

    4. Stay healthy and fit.

    Surround yourself with nature. City living oftentimes leads to a lack of greenery, and we can forget that we all need a bit of nature and occasional distance from the fast-paced, often polluted lives we lead. Drive to a nearby park and take a walk. Find a local hiking trail or nearby lake.

    Next, be active and have some fun while doing it. You should enjoy moving your body. This can take the form of dance or recreational sport. Maybe you like running alone, so you have time to for self-reflection and deep thinking. Oftentimes you come up with your best ideas when you are outside moving.

    Just find what it is you love, and do that. If it’s something you enjoy, it will be easier to create the habit.

    Yoga is an essential part of my daily routine. Every morning, upon waking up, I practice for thirty minutes. This daily practice is something that I have total control over. Regardless of how uncertain and stressful the day can be, I can always take solace in the fact that I still have control over this important part of my day.

    5. Maintain a healthy mind.

    Staying positive can be difficult some days. We all have troubling times in our lives, but there are many ways to cope with these issues that will not affect your sleep, allowing your body the rest it needs to revitalize and heal itself.

    First, write your worries down each night, as if to write them away. Tell yourself these are to be resolved during your waking hours, and you will reflect on them at that time and only then. This permits yourself sleep and offers time for your body to relax, renew and restore.

    Secondly, reflect on what you’re grateful for each day by writing an A-Z gratitude journal before bed. This means that you start with the beginning of the alphabet and write one word that you’re grateful for that day that begins with A, and go all the way down the list to Z.

    Don’t stress it if you get stumped. This is simply an easy exercise to remind you of what you are grateful for in your life. I do this every day; it never fails to remind me of how fortunate I am in spite of everything I had gone through.

    Thirdly, meditate; practice deep breathing and mindfulness and accept the things that “are.” It’s a simple concept, but can be a more difficult practice. It will get easier with practice.

    6. Cherish your home.

    Your home should reflect the people that live in it. Someone should be able to walk into your house and feel like it couldn’t be a home for anyone else but you. It should reflect your personality and emanate positive vibes.

    It should be inviting and filled with love. It should reflect the wonderful life that you live, enhancing your hobbies and ideals that are important to you. Fill it with positivity, nature, and your personality.

    I take time at least once a month to do a mini house project, which can range from buying some plants for the house to repainting a part of the ceiling.

    7. Get to know yourself.

    Everyone is great at something, whether it’s writing, creating websites, drawing, or something else. Find your personal gift and develop that skill. Give time to that skill, and recognize this is part of who you are. Enjoy and embrace it.

    Trying something new once in a while can help you discover interesting hidden talents. I didn’t know I was good at social dancing until I randomly decided to go for a class with a friend one day.

    In addition, don’t just focus on doing the things you’re good at. Do the things that you love as well, whether it’s reading, relaxing, traveling, or playing sports. Make sure you carve out some time for those activities you enjoy.

    Thirdly, it’s vital to spend some time in solitude each day so that you can reflect and grow. This is something that’s important for everyone, even for those that are married and have families. You have to be whole and happy before you can help take care of your extended family and those around you.

    Be kind to yourself. Happy living!

    Smiling sun via Shutterstock

  • You’re More Valuable Than You Think

    You’re More Valuable Than You Think

    You Matter

    “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown

    On a summer night in Hicksville, Long Island, I swung the bat and drove a double down the left-field line. I broke up the pitcher’s no-hitter, and he was one of the best pitchers in the league. I felt completely at home. I was myself.

    On another summer night in Vergennes, Vermont, I stumbled back to the fence tracking down a fly ball. I speared at it with my glove, then watched it bounce off of my hand and go over the fence for a grand-slam home run. I felt numb and hateful.

    For each negative episode on the baseball field, it would take days to recover. It tortured me, and by association, those around me. It wasn’t just baseball, either. It was all things—academics, peer-acceptance, or any life event.

    Well into my late twenties, I was still soaring through emotional ceilings and crashing through emotional floors. The longevity of the pattern was beginning to drive me crazy. I needed to end this cycle, but how?

    I didn’t know at the time that this was a self-esteem issue. The major flaw in my worldview back then was that my self-worth was based on what other people thought of me.

    Going back to when I was a kid, and well into adulthood, I was highly sensitive to the feedback of others. As a kid, a teacher would praise me and I’d be on top of the world. Later in the day, a coach would yell at me and I’d feel worthless.

    I had no internal anchor or innate sense of value. And why would I? The culture I grew up in was one where you could have worthless people. If you didn’t add value in some way to some person, you had no worth. You didn’t have a reason to exist.

    For me, grades and sports were what I did to prove I was worth existing. When things went well, I was untouchably confident. I felt alive and powerful. On the other side of that coin, during the bad periods, I felt homeless. Like I didn’t deserve to be, well, anywhere.

    I had no idea that life didn’t have to be this way.

    A Moment of Clarity

    One weekend in my early thirties, I was bed-ridden with the flu. Through the bedroom door, I listened to my wife and two small kids the entire weekend. On Sunday night, when I was feeling better, I came out to spend time with them.

    As I walked out, I could feel the energy in the room lift. This was something I had never experienced before. I felt a relaxing of tension and a sense of uplifting from my wife and kids. As I began talking and catching up on the weekend, I could see the positive effects continue.

    In that moment, the thought struck me—I’m being valuable just by showing up.

    Just by being myself, and expressing myself, I had a positive effect on everyone in the house. It was clear to me that things were different and better, simply because I was present.

    I gave more thought to how people’s lives would be if I simply disappeared. I began paying attention to the effect my presence had in normal, everyday situations. I realized that by expressing my truer nature—my quirky, sometimes nerdy, genuine self—I made a positive impact. I was giving out positive energy.

    This had been happening my entire life, but I wasn’t aware of it until that weekend.

    Over time, as these ideas took root in my mind, I sensed for the first time that I deserved to be here on Earth. I had an inherent right to exist; not a right I had to earn. I no longer felt like a guest.

    It was the start of a confidence rooted deeply within myself. I wasn’t emotionally dependent on the feedback or opinions of others. I now knew I had something of value, something that was intangible and plentiful, and I could give it to others all of the time. It was me and my energy.

    From there, I started to look for the same in others. I realized everyone has a unique piece of life’s puzzle to contribute. Some contribute in small ways, some contribute in large ways, but everyone’s piece is important. You cannot have a whole puzzle if a piece is missing.

    With this increased sense of value on my own life and the life of others, the quality of each day is noticeably better. Spending time and connecting with others not only feels like I’m giving a unique gift, but I’m receiving one as well. It’s a completely different way of living.

    This is a far cry from the me who kept his true self hidden. I used to think that revealing my true self was the cause of turmoil and destruction, and now I’ve realized that my true self is the vehicle through which I enjoy life.

    What I’m saying here goes beyond people who have a wife and kids. It goes beyond whatever limits you might feel you have based on your lifestyle or social circle. It’s impossible for you to know what kind of effect you are having on the world as a whole.

    You are you for a reason. Your quirks, your idiosyncrasies, the things that make you unique and who you are—you are meant to be these things and go about life in this way. Each action you take that’s based in your unique personality has ripple effect upon ripple effect.

    It’s impossible for you to know that the random person you chatted with on a bus about the Lord of the Rings trilogy ended up reading the books and became passionate about them. And that person shared them with someone else, who loved them so much and felt so inspired that they went on to become an author for themselves, writing books that sparked the imaginations and passions of thousands or even millions.

    Could you have ever known that sharing your interest on some random Tuesday on a bus could have had that effect? Did you consider that by staying silent, you broke the chain that would’ve resulted in joy for millions of people around the world?

    Nobody can know these things, but they are the everyday miracles of life. There is your value—it’s you, your uniqueness, and your expression of it.

    We are all blessed with a unique value, and the more we cultivate it and share it, the better we feel every day. Your true self is a gift and a key to unlocking a life of greater satisfaction. Go ahead and use that key. It will open a lot of doors.

    You matter image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Reasons We All Deserve Forgiveness

    5 Reasons We All Deserve Forgiveness

    Remorseful Woman

    “To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds.” ~Wayne Dyer

    When we have been deeply hurt or betrayed by a friend, loved one, or even an acquaintance, it can be incredibly difficult to let it go and forgive them. Some acts seem almost unforgivable, but really not much is.

    My belief is that people who hurt us are more often than not in a lot of pain themselves, and they’re making choices and decisions based on their own wounds.

    I’ve spent the past two years working hard to forgive someone I loved deeply who hurt me. It hasn’t been easy, and it’s taken a huge amount of time looking within, acknowledging my own mistakes in life, and seeing all the reasons it’s imperative I forgive others for their wrongs. They deserve it as much as I do.

    It’s one of the most powerful and loving things we can do, and it ultimately brings us peace of mind and the loving energy we deserve in our lives.

    So, why should you let go of your resentment and rage and forgive someone who has hurt you? A few reasons that have been motivators for me:

    1. Forgiving allows the other person to work on themselves.

    Nobody is perfect. We have all had times in our lives when things have gotten out of control or we acted in ways that weren’t in alignment with who we want to be in this world.

    Yes, sometimes people do hurtful things because they are flat out selfish, but most of the time we screw up without meaning to. We all deserve a second chance to do better.

    Receiving a second chance when I have hurt someone else has allowed me to step up my game and prove to myself and to them that I can do better.

    Sometimes it’s taken time for me to really get it. We don’t change our thought patterns and behaviors overnight. But I know that when somebody has forgiven me, it has forced me to take stock of my actions and motives and work on myself. And in the process, I have shown up as the woman I want to be in this world and proven to myself and to others that I can change.

    We wouldn’t even bother trying if another person hadn’t forgiven our actions as a way of saying, “I can let this go, and I trust and hope this experience has taught you something.”

    2. If we show others compassion, we learn how to develop it for ourselves.

    Often when we are holding onto resentment toward someone who hurt us, it’s about our ego. We want them to suffer as much as we did.

    One of my close friends has been teaching me about compassion. I don’t show much for myself, so I have a difficult time showing it for others. But as I have slowly learned to develop compassion for people who have hurt me, digging deep into the reasons why they may have done it, it’s allowed me to develop more compassion for myself for the things I have done.

    Developing compassion for someone who has hurt you is a powerful and integral step toward healing for both of you.

    3. Forgiveness helps everybody involved move on.

    Not all people and situations are meant to be a part of our lives forever. Sometimes, they are there for a period of time to teach us something, and once their purpose is served, they move on and the next chapter of our story begins.

    As difficult as it may be to let people go, whether they are a long time friend, a family member, a spouse, or a lover, when we forgive them we create a space for them to move onto their next chapter, as well as ourselves.

    If we’re holding onto the old story of “what they did to us,” we can’t create a space for better things to come into our life.

    4. When we know better, we do better.

    I live by Maya Angelou’s quote that for most of us, “when we know better, we do better.” I truly believe that people don’t go around intentionally trying to hurt others, especially those closest to us.

    Most people are doing the very best they can with what they know, how they were raised, and where they are at in life. I know that I personally have often made the same mistakes over and over again until I really got the lesson and developed the tools to do things differently. When I’ve known better, I’ve done better.

    Try to recognize that every experience in your life, especially the most painful ones, are teachers that reveal to us what we still need to master. You have the opportunity to become better if you can avoid holding onto bitterness.

    5. Without forgiveness we don’t grow spiritually.

    The process of spiritual growth is infinite. Some of our spiritual lessons are to learn compassion, self-love, and unconditional love for others. We are still operating at the bottom realms of our spiritual growth when we are carrying around feelings of hate and bitterness and thoughts of revenge.

    When we receive somebody else’s forgiveness, I believe we graduate one step up that spiritual ladder. Whether we feel we deserved it or not, somebody gave it to us. And when we receive such a beautiful and selfless gift from somebody else, we are compelled to give it back.

    This mutual exchange of loving energy between people who have wronged us is a beautiful step forward on our spiritual journey.

    The bottom line is, forgiveness is something we ultimately do for us, not the other person. And without it, the pain inside our hearts will never heal.

    Remorseful woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Pushing and Stressing About Your Goals

    How to Stop Pushing and Stressing About Your Goals

    Skipping Man

    “You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ~Steve Maraboli

    I’ve encountered many people who live by the belief that in order to be successful, one must “go out and make things happen.” I used to feel the same until I realized that we don’t actually have control over most aspects of our lives.

    We can attempt to make things happen, but doing so doesn’t guarantee anything—it only develops yearning, which leads to suffering.

    Take my recent job search, for example. I spent nine months looking for a job. I applied to over 200 open positions and took part in more than thirty interviews. After several months I became desperate and out of this desperation, began to become depressed.

    It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, my job search wasn’t going anywhere. I needed a different approach.

    As I usually do during trying times, I turned to my beliefs for insights. I read Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart, Thich Nhat Hanh’s You Are Here and Dr. Wayne W. Dyer’s Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao.

    Dyer interprets the Tao Te Ching to state that our desires can create stress and anxiety, and that happiness comes not from pursuing goals, but by finding joy in everything we encounter.

    “Stop pushing yourself,” Dyer writes. “And feel gratitude and awe for what is.”

    Once I read this line, I realized that I had much to be thankful for, even during a time of unemployment.

    This understanding allowed me to change how I perceived my life. As a result, I began to experience happiness from small experiences, such as walking around the neighborhood or making a cup of coffee.

    This shifted my attitude and allowed me to become more receptive to life’s greatness. No longer did I feel depressed because I believed that by letting go of my desire to find a job, I was opening myself up to the plans that would manifest organically.

    One may say that I put faith in finding work and believed that the right position would come along at the right time. My new philosophy: let go and let the universe do it.

    I continued to apply for jobs and interview, but I knew that I couldn’t force myself into a job offer. I had to go with the flow—to learn to ride the waves instead of trying to change the tide.

    This new perspective allowed me to release the stress relating to my job search and to accept that great things would happen at the right time.

    During interviews, I no longer felt desperate and nervous. I knew that if it were meant to be, I would receive an offer. This created a more positive environment and one that increased the likelihood of finding work.

    Just weeks after I changed my views and let go of negative emotions, I received a job offer.

    Looking back, I realize that my desire to find work was not only stressing me out, it was creating a wall that prevented me from achieving my goal of securing a job.

    When we’re working toward a goal, we often push ourselves to the point of desperation. We know what we want, and while that’s a good thing, stressing ourselves out to achieve that desire only develops resistance toward that aspiration.

    We might feel that if we don’t stress and push ourselves, we’ll be opening ourselves up to bad things that could happen.

    For me, this belief led to a feeling that if I didn’t find a job, I was going to be evicted from my apartment and forced to live on the street. I’ve since learned that stressing out doesn’t necessarily prevent negative consequences.

    In order to truly experience what the universe has in store for us, we need to let go of the need to control every aspect of our lives and focus instead on showing up and putting our best foot forward. Here are three tips to help put us on the path to achieving our innermost desires.

    Set your intention.

    Setting your intention is the first step in reaching your goals. When I was job searching, my intention was to find a position that was the next step in my career. No matter your intention, place it in your mind, see it in your mind’s eye, or meditate on it.

    Let go of your attachment to the outcome.

    Once we set our intention, we have little control over the outcome. Often others are involved, and we can’t force them into helping us achieve our goals. Realize that no matter what happens, you will be okay. And know that adopting this mindset will free you up mentally so you’re able to focus on controlling what you can control—your own choices and actions.

    Trust that your efforts will pay off.

    Trust is essential in manifesting our goals and desires. Once we realize this, our faith strengthens and we open ourselves up to many new opportunities in the process.

    As simple as these steps seem, actually following them is more challenging. It takes practice to learn to let go and trust that great things will happen.

    But as Lama Surya Das writes in Make Me One with Everything, “Buddha said that transcendent peace exists in things left just as they are.” Das adds that “I have found that all things are already at rest and at peace, inasmuch as one’s own inner life remains fit, flexible, and attuned.”

    We must remain flexible and attuned with life’s changes, as Das states. As soon as I realized this with my job search, beneficial things began to manifest.

    We can all benefit by learning that life’s greatness doesn’t require that we “get out and do,” but that we simply accept the wonderful things we already have and then adjust our expectations, while trusting that everything we need either is already within us, available to us, or in our future.

    Skipping man image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Ways to Seize the Day and Achieve Greater Work-Life Balance

    10 Ways to Seize the Day and Achieve Greater Work-Life Balance

    Seize the Day

    “Seize the day, trusting little in the future.” ~Horace

    Don’t you hate it when you think of the perfect comeback to someone’s comment way too late? One that really sticks out for me happened a couple years ago.

    I was midway through a cross-Canada speaking tour, sharing about my journey with cancer and what it taught me about work-life balance and embracing life’s simple pleasures.

    After giving my talk to a Rotary Club in Alberta, one of the audience members approached me.

    “You know what balance is?” he gruffly demanded, jabbing a finger at me. “Working hard the first half of your life so you can enjoy the second half. That’s balance!”

    Taken aback, my mind went blank. It wouldn’t have mattered. He was out the door before I had a chance to speak.

    Strictly speaking, the man wasn’t wrong. In the left-side-equals-right-side sense of things, spending the first half of your life focused on work and the latter half focused on leisure is a form of balance.

    It was only some time later, on the long, lonely road to Regina, Saskatchewan that I thought of what I should have said. Sure, the man’s definition of balance might technically be accurate. But it’s also quite a gamble.

    Life’s Curveballs

    As I drove along the Trans-Canada Highway through the prairies, my thoughts turned to a conversation I had with my dying uncle a few months earlier. I was on my way to visit my dad, who had been diagnosed with early onset dementia, and the hospital my uncle was being treated at was on the way. So I stopped in to say hello.

    It was a short visit, but a good one. Though the cancer had ravaged my uncle’s body, his mind was as sharp as ever.

    “This isn’t how your dad or I planned on spending our retirement,” he said.

    If my uncle’s death, dad’s diagnosis, and my experience with cancer at age twenty-seven have taught me anything, it’s that life is full of curveballs. And while there’s nothing wrong with planning for the future and having goals, pinning all your hopes for happiness on something “down the road” is risky.

    Because whether it’s a drunk driver, bolt of lightning, collapsed roof, or massive heart attack, life can change in the blink of an eye.

    Carpe Diem

    Memento mori: Remember that you will die. It’s a Latin expression that some might consider morbid and depressing; one that makes you want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don’t.

    Instead, I see it as an empowering reminder of the short time we have in life and an awesome motivation to make the most of it. This video by spoken word artist Prince Ea communicates this idea beautifully.

    But sure, you’re thinking, that all sounds well and good, but how exactly do I go about grabbing life by the horns? I barely have time to grab it by the tail and hang on for dear life as it goes charging past me.

    Of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Every situation and everybody is different. But to get your creative juices flowing, here are ten ideas for how to seize the day and enjoy greater work-life balance:

    1. Remember what’s important.

    Keep yourself grounded and aware of your priorities with tangible reminders.

    That might mean a picture of your kids on your desk to remind you to be home for dinner. Or an inspirational quote you hang on your wall.

    For example, next to my bedroom door, I have a quote by Henry David Thoreau that says, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.”

    2. Take your vacation.

    There’s an alarming trend in Western culture (particularly in North America) where an increasing number of employees don’t use all their vacation days. I get it. Sometimes taking time off can feel like it adds more stress and work to life.

    But holidays are important opportunities to recharge and spend quality time with loved ones. Check out Forbes’ “How to Take a Stress-Free Vacation From Your Stress Job” for some helpful tips.

    3. Mind your “mibs” (the “moments in between”).

    Whether it’s stressing about an urgent deadline or brooding about an argument you had with a friend last week, it’s easy to live in your head instead of being present in the moment.

    Take time every couple hours to focus on your breathing or to make a mental note of five things you can hear, smell, or see in your immediate surroundings. Ground yourself in the moment to appreciate the little things around you.

    4. Set boundaries.

    In the age of emails and smartphones, the line between work and home life is a blurry one.

    It takes strictly enforced rules and discipline to keep your boss’ texts away from the dinner table or your upcoming presentation from encroaching on Monopoly night. Carve out regular gadget-free times and stick to them.

    5. Switch off the TV.

    Balance isn’t always a tension between work and home. It’s also about how we spend our leisure time.

    Don’t let the world pass you by as you watch re-runs of The Big Bang Theory. Enforce screen-free nights and get outside. Nobody on their deathbed ever wished they spent more time in front of the boob tube.

    6. Choose fear over regret.

    This one may seem odd, but bear with me. For as long as I can remember, I had a personal policy: when confronted with a choice between fear and regret, always choose fear.

    Yes, that white water rafting trip seems terrifying. But if I don’t go, will I regret it? Yes? Then hand me that paddle. Will I kick myself for not asking that woman out on a date? Yes? Time to steel those nerves and take a chance.

    Fear is fleeting. Regret is sticky. Choose to face fear.

    7. Let go of grudges.

    Life’s too short to hang onto old hurts. As Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

    Many people live with the regret of not mending fences with a loved one while they had the chance. Extend an olive branch with an email or coffee date invitation.

    8. Find time for hobbies.

    Always wanted to write a book or do more camping? Don’t wait until retirement. Start now.

    Find an activity that you do just for you and nurture it. No agenda. No purpose beyond having fun. Give yourself permission to engage in a fulfilling pastime.

    9. Be clear.

    Spend more time with my family. Have a healthier lifestyle. Achieve better work-life balance.

    Don’t be satisfied with vague goals. Get down to the nuts and bolts of your ambitions with clear, actionable plans.

    Thursday—movie night with the kids; Monday, Wednesday, Friday—go for a run; June 5-12—vacation. Be specific. Make a list of activities and add them to your calendar.

    10. Start an “I’ve Never” Club.

    As the late great Dr. Seuss penned, “If you never have, you should. These things are fun and fun is good.”

    One way to seize the day is to formalize it. Start a mini social club with a few friends where you try something new every week. Send out a list of ideas, vote on a favourite, get together, and do it!

    Take a cooking class, geocache, hike a new trail, try a new board game, go to a karaoke bar—the possibilities are endless.

    By all means plan and hope for a bright and awesome future. But don’t forget to embrace life along the way.

    As my experience with cancer showed me—and the road to Regina reminded me—life is full of unexpected twists and turns. So memento mordi, carpe diem. Remember you will die, so seize the day.

    Seize the day image via Shutterstock

  • How Non-Attachment Can Benefit Your Relationship

    How Non-Attachment Can Benefit Your Relationship

    “You only lose what you cling to.” ~Buddha

    I remember one of my first mindfulness classes that pertained to impermanence. I went home in a bit of a slump.

    Nothing is permanent; everything ends; “This too shall pass.” It was quite a shock to the system.

    After getting over what, on a surface level, seemed to be incredibly dire, I realized that this could be incredibly liberating.

    Enter the principle of non-attachment, a notion that has the potential to aid in the evolving nature of day-to-day life.

    Rather than clinging to things—relationships, jobs, material goods—hoping that they will last forever, or being fearful that the uncomfortable parts of our lives will never change, we learn to deal with the moments as they arise.

    There is power in knowing that our moments can, and will, inevitably shift.

    Knowing the good won’t last forever gives us permission to embrace the moment fully without clinging or depending on it.

    Acknowledging that the bad won’t last forever gives us strength to move forward instead of being caught up in helplessness and insight to make shifts and changes if need be.

    Impermanence is a blessing in disguise. And non-attachment is the only way to truly forgive and love another person.

    Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? How can non-attachment possibly lead to a happy, fulfilled relationship?

    Here’s how.

    In my last relationship, I prided myself on being honest and open. I didn’t want to play games, because that’s not the sort of person I am, nor the sort of man I wanted to attract into my life.

    I wanted a guarantee that he would stick around and that our relationship was progressing. I wanted to know that he wasn’t going to just disappear from my life, a dialogue from my past that prickled at my defense mechanisms and inevitably pushed him away, too.

    This made me fearful and scared, and I shut down intermittently. This invisible pressure burdened both of us.

    The hard truth is that there are no guarantees.

    Of course, there were other factors in our relationship. The point here is that there was also an unhealthy attachment present; I became dependent on him, and I clung.

    I was like a child who was holding onto a baby animal, who was so scared of it running away that I held it tightly, suffocating it.

    Non-attachment means that you are able to live your life outside of the other person; it ultimately takes pressure off and allows you to be without depending on anything or anyone to feed your soul.

    Clinging onto things—relationships, jobs, materials goods—simply does not make sense considering their evolving nature.

    These things add to your life, but they are not your life. You’re all that’s guaranteed, and even you grow and change, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

    This doesn’t mean that past lessons or past behaviors can’t or won’t guide your present actions or that future goals aren’t important. Instead, it means that you can live out your moments naturally and organically, with appreciation and/or awareness, because you aren’t leaning on something that might change or shift.

    Non-attachment in relationships is not indifference or apathy to another person. It’s an absence of fear. Fear and clinginess come from a sense of impending loss.

    However, if we go into a relationship or exist in a relationship already knowing that things may change or shift (for better or worse), we rid ourselves of pressure and burdening expectations. We can approach the relationship and issues with an open heart and simply see what unfolds naturally.

    Relinquishing (some) control is scary, but not impossible.

    This is not to be confused with blind acceptance of things that aren’t satisfying.

    Existing in the unattached present moment acknowledges what is actually happening now and gives us the power and capacity to shift or change a situation, which is also applicable to a relationship that isn’t what you want, need, or deserve.

    I know many couples who are staying together, even if it hasn’t been working for years and years, because it was “so good long ago.”

    I’m an advocate for working through things, but ultimately, the present is all that is relevant.

    As far as relationships go, I was once told that some people you simply get for a season, some people appear in your life intermittently, and some people stay around for longer and forever, if you’re lucky.

    The catch is that you ultimately don’t know which category the person you’re dating or in a relationship with is or will be in, and red flags aside, there is no way to know.

    However, being unattached, open, and aware is a key ingredient to experiencing a relationship organically and observing what may unfold.

  • Breaking the Pattern of Painful, Unhealthy Relationships

    Breaking the Pattern of Painful, Unhealthy Relationships

    Torn Paper

    “Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.” ~Byron Katie

    As I was listening to other women talking in my support group for battered women, I had a life changing moment.

    I caught a glimpse of myself and where I was at in life. It was a defining moment that turned around how I felt about myself and changed the cycle of my relationship with men.

    “I played a role in my abusive marriage; my ex-husband was treating me how I was treating myself.”

    His anger and how he showed it belonged to him; we are never responsible for someone else’s behavior and how they treat us, ever. However, we are responsible for how we treat ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. At the time, I didn’t really love myself.

    My confidence was non-existent. And I thought I deserved to be treated this way. I had a belief that life was meant to be suffered. I know, nuts!

    So, as I was sitting there in the support group, I realized how I had given my power away to someone else and that I had to take responsibility for neglecting myself.

    I didn’t put blame on myself to feel guilty. I owned up to my part in this whole situation. I looked in the mirror and got real honest so I could change this crazy pattern.

    If I had stayed in the victim role, I would have continually attracted the same kind of guy, who in reality would just be reflecting back what I felt about myself.

    Not at all what I wanted anymore, that was clear.

    It was time to break the pattern, and break the pattern I did.

    I started to really take care of my needs.

    I gave myself the love that I was looking for, the attention I was craving, and permission to feel happy and have an awesome life.

    It didn’t happen overnight, and it’s been quite the journey, but it amazes me that since I’ve raised the bar, the people that show up in my life are on a much higher level.

    It’s a situation no one should be in. The first step is getting out and getting help. And know the cycle can be broken.

    Breaking The Pattern of Unhealthy Relationships

    1. Practice self-love.

    I can’t say this enough. At the time the concept of self-love was foreign to me. Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life awakened me.

    I was looking for love in outside places, wanting others to validate that yes, I could be loved. When I started giving myself what I was craving, I gained more confidence, got clearer on what I wanted, and started treating myself with respect.

    Pay attention to your internal dialogue about yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and say “I love you.” Believe it. Really embody how you want to feel right now.

    2. Change your mindset.

    There’s no going around it, what you think will become your reality.

    We all picked up beliefs from well-intentioned people around us while growing up, and they form most of our internal dialogue. Some of these beliefs might serve us, but some might be quite detrimental.

    Take an inventory of the top negative beliefs that you have on repeat in your mind. Then re-write these beliefs in a positive way and create a plan to act on them.

    This is about more than just saying affirmations; it’s about being consistent, setting your intention, and taking action.

    Example: Old belief: I’m not good enough, and I can’t be happy.

    New belief: I am good enough, and happiness is my birthright.

    After flipping your negative belief, say the new belief with emotion, and write it down and display it in places where you’ll see it regularly.

    Next, visualize what being good enough means to you. How does it make you feel? Have a clear image.

    Lastly, take action. How does a person who is good enough act? Act as that person now, and aim to do this consistently.

    3. Look for the lesson in everything so that you can heal and move on.

    We’ve all had experiences where the same thing keeps happening over and over with different people and situations. That’s a message that something needs to be done on our part.

    Once the lesson is learned we can break the pattern.

    4. Know what you want.

    In a nutshell, don’t settle—period! What is it you want? What qualities are you looking for? How do you want to be treated? Want to know what the trick is to actually get it? Be all of those things. Others are mirrors to us.

    5. Own it.

    The best way to make any change is to take responsibility for where your life is right now, owning it so you can improve it on your terms. When we do this, we go from waiting for change to happen to starting with ourselves, because that’s where any real change can ever take place.

    We’re back in the driver’s seat, creating our life, versus reacting to life situations.

    6. Receive.

    I did attract lots of nice guys too, but I would break up with them or find them too boring. Now I see I wasn’t comfortable with someone treating me kindly and with respect. I wasn’t in the right state of mind to receive this kind of love because I couldn’t give it to myself.

    Once you start giving it to yourself, you too will be able to receive it.

    The most important relationship we’ll ever have is the one with ourselves. Making this a priority doesn’t take anything away but just adds more happiness and confidence to our lives.

    Torn paper image via Shutterstock