Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Healing Through Service: 20 Ways to Help Others (and Yourself)

    Healing Through Service: 20 Ways to Help Others (and Yourself)

    Woman and a Kitten

    “To ease another’s heartache is to forget one’s own.” ~Abraham Lincoln

    A feral cat tempered my most recent bout with depression. I wasn’t seriously depressed, nothing like the debilitating times in my past, but I had a fairly strong case of the blues.

    It was just before Thanksgiving, that time of year when people across America break bread with family and friends, and I was feeling sorry for myself.

    I missed the gatherings we used to have when I was married. My ex-husband and I both loved to cook and every year we put together a gourmet feast for a group of family and friends.

    This year I would be alone.

    I live on the high desert and winters are harsh. Outside a sixty mile an hour wind was howling and a blanket of snow covered the ground. It didn’t help my mood.

    When I opened the door to let my dog out to pee, I heard a high-pitched mewling. From the frozen hillside a scrawny white and black cat came crawling out of the sage. Its fur was matted and its ribs showed.

    When I moved toward it, it retreated with a hiss. My own calico eats well, so I borrowed some of her Fancy Feast, a cup of dry food, and a bowl of water and set it outside.

    Before long the cat was a regular visitor, but what was more gratifying is within a week it had filled out, and while its tail was still matted, its fur began to look glossier.

    The cat, however, showed no appreciation. It continued to spit and growl when I brought its food out, and I have no doubt it would have taken off a finger if it could.

    As the days went by I found myself looking out the window for the cat. I stuffed some blankets under the shed, although it rarely slept there. Once it ate, it moved back out into the desert.

    I also found my depression lifting. I shared Thanksgiving dinner with a small group of new friends and when I returned home, the cat, with its usual ill-tempered snarl, was under the shed.

    I brought out its food and told it, “You could come inside if you’d just chill out.” It pulled its ears back and hissed.

    Small things can change our mood and they often have one thing in common—helping someone or something else. As soon as we step outside our own problems and feel compassion for someone who has it worse than we do, we begin to appreciate the life that’s in front of us.

    It was impossible to not feel moved for this tiny creature that had survived in such a harsh environment. At night it seemed coyotes crawled out from every bush and burrow, yet it eluded them.

    When it snowed I worried about it, but the following day its tracks would be in the snow and I’d find it hiding under the shed.

    There are many ways we can be of service in the world. Even small acts of compassion can go a long ways. I think it’s more effective than donating money.

    Of course, everyone needs money and it’s great to contribute to something we believe in, but money is service at a distance. It doesn’t alleviate the heart the way genuine human kindness does.

    When we hand over a plate of hot food at a soup kitchen or save an abused animal, we’re connecting with another living being. We’re touching hands or fur, sharing a smile or a word.

    Even if you’re shy and don’t like to be in groups there are many low-key, private ways to help lift someone’s spirit or ease an animal’s suffering:

    1. Do you like to cook? Bake some extra pies and donate them to a homeless shelter.

    2. Become a virtual mentor for a teen through a site like icouldbe.org.

    3. Volunteer at a local school. Many schools are short staffed and welcome community involvement.

    4. Knit or crochet afghans or scarves and take them to your local senior center.

    5. Offer to babysit for a friend. You serve the adult, who could use a night out, and being around kids is often uplifting.

    6. Volunteer to shop for a sick neighbor.

    7. Volunteer for a crisis hotline.

    8. Offer to take an elderly person shopping, to the movies or just for a drive.

    9. Volunteer to read to children at your library’s story hour.

    10. Put together a hygiene kit for a homeless person that includes toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, soap, etc.

    11. If you pass a panhandler, take them out for a hot meal. Listen to their story.

    12. Volunteer at your local animal shelter. If you’re able, adopt a shelter dog or cat. If you can’t make a long-term commitment, you might consider becoming a temporary foster parent for a shelter animal until they find a permanent home.

    13. Send a card to a hospitalized kid through a site like cardsforhospitalizedkids.com or to someone in the military through a site like amillionthanks.org.

    14. Rake, shovel or clean for an elderly neighbor.

    15. Donate blood. You never know when your blood will save someone’s life.

    16. Color (alone or with your child) and donate the picture to Color A Smile.

    17. Do you have a special talent? Offer to do a free one-day workshop at a low-income community center or battered women’s shelter.

    18. Offer to teach someone to read.

    19. Donate your used books or clothing to a shelter.

    20. Do small acts of service throughout the day—hold the door for people, let someone go in front of you at the grocery store if they have fewer items. Smile.

    —

    Once you begin to think of ways to help, the possibilities are endless. You are giving to the world, and as a result you’ll find yourself thinking less of your own problems and your heart softening.

    When we approach life with an attitude of service we develop empathy. It’s no longer about us, but about what someone else needs.

    As for the cat, when you feed something, a responsibility goes with it. For the past several weeks I’ve tried to trap it to take into our local feral cat clinic where they will spay or neuter and vaccinate it. So far it’s eluded me, even managing to twice steal the food without setting the trap.

    There’s a lesson in this as well. Service is not the same as saving.

    We can help ease another’s suffering, but we’re not responsible for saving them. We need to accept that sometimes our service isn’t wanted or appreciated and if necessary, we need to step back and let them go.

    Some people don’t want to be saved. Some cats don’t want to be caught.

    It doesn’t matter. Being of service isn’t about accolades or praise. It’s about healing the world and us by taking tiny steps to make the planet a better, more compassionate place for all the creatures that share it.

    Woman and kitten image via Shutterstock

  • Everything Heals

    Everything Heals

    Everything Heals

    Source: Sun Gazing

  • 7 Steps to Overcome Daily Despair and Start Living Again

    7 Steps to Overcome Daily Despair and Start Living Again

    Man on Mountain

    “If you cannot make a change, change the way you have been thinking. You might find a new solution.” ~Maya Angelou

    Have you ever felt really stuck? Like every day was a struggle to get through and you knew in your heart the next day would feel the same?

    For the last seven years—since the crash of 2008—I’ve been redefining myself, and it’s been painful.

    In 2009 I opened an Internet retail store, knowing nothing about retail, let alone the intricacies of the Internet.

    After years of hard work and little to show for it, every day began to feel like total drudgery. Facing daily discouragement and defeat weighed heavily on me.

    I began to lose my self-confidence and doubt everything I was doing. I was frozen by the fear of failure.

    Every day was torture. Each morning I promised myself I would be productive, but day after day I failed to accomplish even the simplest tasks. Days added up to weeks, and weeks piled up into months of “stuckness,” frustration, and despair. I was literally ensuring my failure. And I knew it.

    Despair encompassed every area of my life. I felt like I was thrashing through quicksand. I stopped meditating regularly, couldn’t get enough sleep, and the stress was affecting my digestion and my health. I was in a fog of depression.

    Although these issues manifested in my business life, I placed such a focus on making my business succeed that I lost all balance. My personal life suffered greatly. Despair can’t be compartmentalized. It affects all aspects of your life.

    Why do we get stuck?

    The irony of life is that so many of our problems—the stumbling blocks that hold us back—are often there because we get in our own way. We can create a prison of continued, daily suffering for ourselves. And then all we can do is agonize because we desperately want out.

    Each day we wake up in a fog hoping the cloud will lift. We simply can’t see clearly enough to evaluate our problems and realize that each one links back to an action or thought that created it.

    If only we could see this, we could untangle the threads and clear up our lives. Knowing the cause can make the problem much easier to fix if we can just get our minds in the right place.

    How to Reset Your Mind

    Use the following seven steps to overcome daily despair and start living again:

    1. Break the pattern.

    The first thing to do with any negative pattern is stop what you’re doing. You’ve got to break a pattern to change it. This means emotionally removing yourself from the situation. You’ve got to regroup.

    Taking time away is helpful. If that’s not feasible, find a quiet place where you can retreat for alone time during all spare moments. If you have kids, do this while they’re sleeping or safely occupied.

    Tell yourself you’re leaving all your worries outside the door and you’ll pick them up later if you decide to. You deserve this time. You need it. Think of it as a gift to yourself.

    If you’re open to meditation, this is a perfect time to start a practice or deepen your existing one.

    I separated myself from despair during my time alone by admitting that I was torturing myself and not accomplishing anything. I declared that I refused to live like that any longer, and promised I would find a different way.

    2. Free your mind.

    During your free time, don’t think about problem-solving of any kind. Focus on resting, healing, and gifting yourself with positive, healthy thoughts and experiences.

    Change your daily activities from TV and other distractions to calming interests. Take walks outdoors. Read only uplifting things. Catch up on your sleep. Get to bed early when possible.

    Clear your mind by practicing silence. Silence does wonders to slow your thoughts and help you to be mindful of the present good moments.

    I began to shift my focus to meditation and other down-time activities instead of work. I practiced silence every morning while walking to clear my mind and stay healthy. And I made time for friends and family even when I didn’t feel like I had the time.

    I was so relieved that my despair soon began to lift when I stopped focusing all my efforts on work.

    3. Collect ideas to kick-start your thinking.

    Once you’ve broken your pattern, determine the key issue you’re struggling with and find a high-quality resource to begin collecting ideas.

    Are your relationships getting you down? Do you need some spiritual rejuvenation? Is your problem depression? Do you need to learn positive thinking, stress management, or time management?

    Plenty of resources to address your problem are at your fingertips on the Internet, in a bookstore or library, at a local group meeting or Meetup, or a seminar. Find something that sparks your interest and has received top recommendations from others, and dive in.

    I took an online marketing course to rebrand my business. The instructor planted the thought that I’d be much happier shifting my business into something I was more passionate about.

    After listening to me, she suggested that I share what I’ve been doing for years on my yoga path to help others like I was helping myself.

    4. Give your situation some preliminary thought.

    Armed with fresh ideas and with the new resilience gained from your self-care, begin to gently daydream some possibilities.

    This is important. Approach this in a relaxed way—not grasping for answers but allowing them to surface naturally if they do. It’s not even a requirement. This is a creative process.

    During this time, I casually ran ideas through my mind to see if sharing my yoga experiences was a possibility. A big part of me wasn’t sure it was right because my practice was so personal. But I loved the idea of turning my passion into my work.

    5. Trust the process.

    There’s no plug and play solution for transforming despair. Your subconscious, creative, problem-solving mind takes time to process properly.

    Be patient. You don’t need all the answers right now—just some starter fluid to get your brain thinking. As with any creative process, the first answers won’t be your best.

    Know that the right answers will come in time because you’re feeding your mind and you’ve removed all pressure. If you’re stressing out at all or pushing too hard for answers at any point, back off and resume Step 2.

    6. Reset your reality through change.

    Once you’ve cleared your mind, absorbed input from a trusted resource, and eased into daydreaming, you can start making some changes in your life.

    When promising, unique answers begin to surface, start deciphering the details.

    Although the advice you found probably felt uplifting and hopeful, in order to successfully transform your life, you’ll need to put the new ideas into practice. What steps can you take to follow the recommendations?

    It took me a full year from the first time I thought about changing my focus to actually doing something about it. The more I daydreamed about what can be accomplished through the ancient yoga teachings, the more it seemed a perfect fit for me to spread the word.

    I incorporated my instructor’s advice, and made sharing my yoga journey a main part of my business. This time I consulted respected resources to learn how to do it successfully rather than winging it like I did with the retail store.

    Your answer doesn’t have to mean changing your work. My business had to change because it wasn’t working and I was allowing it to cause my despair.

    You can change whatever aspect of your life is causing your pain.

    7. Trace back to the thoughts or actions that caused your stuck feeling.

    Changing the outer aspects of your life is often the best way to uproot despair. But to make the change permanent, it’s important to carefully consider the inner aspects. Identify the thoughts or actions that resulted in your situation to begin with.

    For me, my business wasn’t taking off like I expected it to, raising serious issues of self-doubt. Not making it work meant failure. Hadn’t I already failed to hang on to my career in corporate America?

    This doubt caused me to spend more time researching what I should do to market the business than actually marketing it. I was always being attracted to the next “best idea.” Fearing it wouldn’t work, I kept searching instead of implementing.

    When I finally realized that self-doubt had caused my problem, I was able to start implementing instead of doubting, and complete my healing.

    —

    No matter how bad life seems, you can find the way out of despair.

    We all need time to rejuvenate, so break your pattern. Take time to reflect on what you truly want out of life and what you must do to get back on course.

    The answers often are not complex. They’re just hidden because you lost your focus on what’s important.

    Take some time to think about the thoughts or actions that may have led to your despair. Once you identify the problem, with a little guidance you can correct it and completely change your life.

    The best part? Your answers will often arise on their own once you devote time to yourself to heal and reflect.

    Man on mountain image via Shutterstock

  • How to Help a Friend Through Grief

    How to Help a Friend Through Grief

    Comforting Friend

    “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” ~Vicki Harrison

    I’m no stranger to grief. When I was twenty-three I lost my mum, and then eight years later I lost my second daughter, Grace, when she was only one day old.

    Soon after Grace died, my husband and I saw a grief counselor. He said something about other people’s reactions to grief that turned out to be one of the truest statements anyone has ever made to me.

    He said, “There will be at least one friend you never hear from again because they don’t know what to say. At least one person will tell you not to worry because you can have another baby. And there will be one shining star—someone who you didn’t consider to be that close a friend—who will be there for you more forcefully and consistently than anyone else.”

    All three of his predictions came true.

    If you have a friend who is grieving, I know you will want to be their shining star. Grief is awkward and difficult; it’s something we tend to shy away from if we can help it. If you have never experienced grief, you may be at a loss to know what to say or do.

    You Don’t Need to Say the Right Thing

    In fact, you don’t need to say anything at all. You just need to be there.

    It may not feel like much, but your physical presence alone is a comfort—a hug, a hand to squeeze, a presence in the room. These are all important crutches when someone is navigating grief. Remember that you can’t fix this; all you can do is open your arms and open your heart.

    There were a few friends I never heard from again after I lost Grace, as the counselor predicted. It seemed so unfair to lose friends at the same time as losing my baby. I wish they had known that I didn’t expect them to say anything profound or heal my pain, but I did expect them to stick around.

    Try to Steer Clear of Platitudes

    The discomfort and awkwardness outsiders often feel toward grief has given rise to many platitudes over the years. Personally, I would steer clear from saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” or, “It is God’s will.” Even someone with the strongest faith will find that hard to swallow.

    Many platitudes are focused on trying to make the griever focus on the future and move on. While the intent is admirable, I just didn’t want to hear that time is a healer and how all would be fine. My grief is a burden I carry with me every day, and while it is true that I have learned to bear the weight of it (most of the time), I will never “get over it.”

    Try to consider your friend’s beliefs and values before offering words that you feel may be of comfort. Someone said to me, “Grace and your mum are up there watching over you,” which is a statement that just doesn’t match my beliefs, however much I wish it did.

    Instead, I felt slightly annoyed and then guilty for feeling annoyed, because I knew how well-intentioned my friend’s statement was.

    Remember Anniversaries

    Try to remember anniversaries such as the birthday of the person who died and the anniversary of the date of their death. Sending a card or even just a text on the day will let your friend know that you are remembering too.

    I have a friend who always writes Grace’s name on our Christmas card. This means so much to me at a time of year when Grace’s absence from our family is even more keenly felt.

    Celebrate Together

    Celebrating the life of the person your friend has lost can be as simple as reminiscing and talking about them. You could ask to look at photos and other mementos with your friend or help put together a life book.

    Don’t be afraid to mention the person they lost. You may think it kinder to steer clear of the subject, but trust me; your friend will want to talk. Memories are all that remain after a loss, and talking about the person who died really does help to keep them alive.

    If your friend is fundraising in memory of their loved one, you could offer to help. My husband and I carried out a lot of fundraising after Grace died, and it wouldn’t have been possible without the wonderful friends who helped out at and supported our events.

    Always Remember

    Deep loss causes lasting changes—I know I’m not the same person I used to be. Your friend may seem fine one day and angry or depressed the next. It’s all part of grief’s rhythm, which is eternal and has no logic or pattern.

    Vicki Harrison’s quote above really sums up what it is like to live after loss. So don’t take it personally if your friend seems distant or has no wish to socialize at times. He or she is just learning to swim.

    I can bear the load at times; other times I simply can’t. One of the consequences of my loss is that I have unintentionally become more introverted. Some days I just need to stay in a safe bubble with my little family, because letting the rest of the world in is too difficult.

    It’s easy to remember the profound effect grief has on your friend shortly after the loss, but much tougher to keep this in mind months, years, and decades after. I don’t believe that time is a healer; instead, it seems to be an adapter. With much difficulty, I am learning to adapt to life without my loved ones.

    The rawness may be dulled with time, but the emotions and sorrow are not. I know it can’t be easy for the friend of a griever, but if you can remember and be there for the long term, you will be the shining star your friend so desperately needs.

    Friendship vector via Shutterstock

  • The Beauty of Being Single: 6 Benefits of Solitude

    The Beauty of Being Single: 6 Benefits of Solitude

    “I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    Shock. Rage. Sorrow. Excitement. Terror. These are just a handful of the emotions one experiences in the aftermath of a separation or divorce. Emotional rollercoaster? It’s more like being hit with the speed and velocity of a bullet train.

    I should know. After twenty-five years of marriage to a kind and accomplished man, I found myself alone.

    Our decision to divorce was neither acrimonious nor cruel; neither sudden nor impulsive. Rather, our decision to file for divorce was an incremental process.

    We had more disappointment than hope, more unease with each other than affection and contentment. As difficult as it was to recognize the wrong turns we’d made in our two-plus decades together, we both realized that it was time for each of us to draw a new map.

    While my husband remained in the home we had lived in together throughout our marriage and the raising of our daughter, the path on the new atlas of my life led me back to Italy, the country of my birth.

    In retrospect, it was far easier to relocate to somewhere radically different from the place I’d called home for thirty years than it was to sit with the equally radical emotions aroused by separating from the person who knew me best.

    Once the bags were unpacked, the boxes unloaded, and the small apartment I’d rented in the heart of Rome redecorated, I had to contend with the alien feeling of a naked ring finger and a heart full of pain.

    The relief of our separation—no longer would I have to tiptoe around the mounting frustration and disenchantment between us—was short-lived; the rush of excitement at the idea of “a fresh start” evanescent as a shooting star.

    With a job from home, only a shoebox of an apartment to tend to, and no wifely duties, motherly chores, or social commitments, I had only one thing to do and one place to go—and that was inward.

    It was lonely in there. Where, I kept thinking, was that rock-solid husband of mine who was ready to jump onto the roof at a moment’s notice when the gutters overflowed?

    Who would take care of me when I was sick, keep me warm when I was cold, ease me into sleep when I had insomnia? Who would share the beauties of life with me?

    How could I live if I didn’t have a partner to love?

    I was in profound disbelief (it wasn’t really over); angry (how could my husband let me go?); worried (would I end up begging for scraps of food in Piazza Navona?); ashamed (I should have tried harder); resolved (I’d get him back and we’d make it work), and adrift (life was pointless).

    But then resignation arrived, and with it, a certain, glorious freedom. I was divorced, not dead. The questions I had? It was akin to asking a well where I could find a drink of water. And in their absence, new ones arrived: Who were my neighbors in the eternal city? Which interests could I develop? How could I create a routine that nurtured my values? And how could I march in single file?

    As I began navigating life alone, I discovered that, while enormously different, a great deal of solace and satisfaction can be found in solitude. If you’re going through a similar transition, consider the following benefits of flying solo:

    1. Your imagination will soar.

    It’s true: Creativity emerges from quiet and an open agenda. Having long been a writer—but also a wife, mother, homeowner, and full-time corporate executive—I long ago learned to write against distraction.

    In my new space, where the only distractions were those I created, my imagination was provoked in ways that I hadn’t experienced since I was a child. Without time- constraints and working to the tune of a television show I wasn’t watching, I found myself freer on the page, more productive, and thoroughly content daydreaming about a daydream.

    If thinking of a long, unstructured weekend day fills you with the blues, use it to your advantage. Creative expression, whether through writing, drawing, or dancing, often proves to be cathartic for people.

    Paint your way through anger, redecorate a room to lift your mood, or spend an hour imagining the places you have the freedom to explore in your new, unencumbered state.

    2. Your life will become entirely yours.

    Responsibilities have always been a large part of my adult life. From commuting to the office to hosting dinner parties for my husband’s colleagues, rarely did my former schedule allot much time for what I—and I alone—wanted to do.

    In the absence of these duties, I found a surplus of time, energy, and excitement to pursue my passions. A candlelight yoga class? An art-house film on a Tuesday that would have been otherwise dedicated to household chores? Cocktails on a school night? Yes, yes, and yes, please!

    I discovered the deliciousness of creating my own schedule and following what called to me rather than what was expected of me—and you are wholly free to do the same.

    What fell by the wayside during your relationship—friendships, hobbies, unread novels, moving to the city of your dreams—are exactly where you left them. Only now you have the time and devotion to give them the attention and energy they deserve.

    3. You will learn self-reliance.

    While I was the master of my own life, I was also the one solely responsible for making sure that such a life worked.

    Going from a dual income to one was daunting at first—until I recalled the gift I had for budgeting pre-marriage, which allowed me to buy my first apartment before I turned twenty. A leaky faucet, a flat tire, a frustrating day? I bought a toolset and watched YouTube videos, befriended our local mechanic, and learned that Rainer Maria Rilke was entirely right when he said that no feeling is final.

    The more self-reliant I became, the more confident—and happy—I felt.

    Should you find yourself in the same place, start slowly but stay determined. Pick one area of your life where you need to become self-sufficient, whether it’s in balancing your checkbook or learning to cook for one. Once conquered, attack the next…and next, and next, and next, until you find yourself surprised that at one time you depended on anyone else at all.

    4. You will befriend yourself.

    With only myself to please and take care of, I embarked on a new relationship—with myself.

    I was tentative at first, much as one is when they first start dating someone new. Would I like a glass of cabernet out of habit because it’s what my husband often ordered, or did I think a Viognier might be a better fit with this dish? Would I like to stay at home and take a bath, or venture out to a café with a newfound friend?

    The more I began treating myself with the kindness and attentiveness I showed toward my husband and daughter, the more I got to know myself on a deeper, truer level, realizing how much of what I did and what I ate and how I acted was an act of either submission or compromise.

    If you’re in a similar position, listen to your needs, honor your wants (within moderation), and tune in to what your heart is telling you. The more you take care of yourself, the better equipped you will be to deal with the conflicting emotions your newfound single status has likely stirred.

    5. You will learn the art of a healthy inner monologue.

    Marriage and motherhood don’t leave much room for listening to one’s inner voice—there’s enough noise as it is. Alone, I was introduced to a whole cast of inner players I had silenced out of necessity for years. Some of these voices were unkind—judgmental, condescending, or tempting me in unhealthy directions—but with time and practice, I learned to conduct inner dialogues that were loving, beneficial, and illuminating.

    As you set out alone, give yourself the time and space to listen to the voices inside of you. Silencing those that are cold or self-sabotaging will allow you to hear the tenderness and determination of others. And, with time, you will cultivate an ability to listen to what is best for you—and the backbone needed to ignore all the rest.

    6. You will find peace with your past.

    Those first few months alone were ripe with recrimination. If only I’d done this; if only he’d done that. How could I have done this; how could I have done that? I was reprehensible, a failure, destined for a future of take-out alone and two too many cats. But, again, with time (a true salve for most things), I realized that the old adage is true: Everyone we meet comes into our lives for a reason.

    My marriage was not so much a failure as it was a stepping stone on my journey. I had lost, but I had also learned.

    If you’re bearing similar grief, consider compiling a list of what you have gained rather than focusing on what you’ve suffered; what you look forward to rather than what you miss.

    If you’re anything like me, you’ll find that the greatest lesson of all is that the person you were looking for was right where they were supposed to be all along: within.

  • You Are Beautiful; Can You See It?

    You Are Beautiful; Can You See It?

    Melody and Cindy“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” ~Confucius

    This is my sister Cindy and me when we were little. If you look closely you may be able to tell that Cindy has Down Syndrome. This was a long time ago and one of my most favorite pictures. I am now fifty-eight and Cindy would be sixty this month.

    I followed Cindy into this world and I was with her three years ago when she left. I am who I am in this world because of Cindy. She taught me all of the most important things about life through being who she was.

    If you have never had the privilege of knowing anyone who has Down Syndrome, you are missing something extraordinarily beautiful. My belief is that they are angels who are here on earth to teach us about beauty. True, real beauty.

    I have some strong beliefs about beauty.

    Real beauty is totally free. It doesn’t cost any money and it’s in abundance for everyone.

    Real beauty feels good. It’s a relief when we recognize it in ourselves and others.

    Real beauty is worth more than money.

    We all are beautiful and beauty is all around us.

    When Cindy looked in the mirror she saw extraordinary beauty, every single time.

    She saw a treasure, a work of art, grace, refinement, happiness.

    She didn’t see what many others saw when they looked at her. She was different looking. She walked funny. She kind of hobbled from side to side. She had a short neck and a fairly large face and her eyes were different. She often did things with her tongue and held her mouth open. Her tongue was thicker than ours so she didn’t speak with the clarity that ‘normal’ people do. She often twisted her words.

    And yet, she was exquisitely beautiful.

    She was nothing more and nothing less than who she was.

    She was pure, precious, and tender.

    She didn’t judge. There was no right or wrong or better or worse with her. No one was less than or more than anyone else in her eyes. Everyone was simply who they were. No expectations. No hidden agendas. No judgment. No measuring up. Ever.

    Somehow I think she saw right into the soul of everyone she met. She saw right into me. I know that. She didn’t see my skin tone or hairstyle or makeup job or weight or size of me. She saw the real being of me. She saw my essence, and because she saw what was real in me I was authentic with her. My mask fell off every time I was with her.

    When Cindy died I made a commitment to live my life with courage to see and reveal my beauty. I also made a promise to look for and see the beauty in others. I am doing that more and more.

    At fifty-eight I now look in the mirror and see lots of wrinkles and fifteen extra pounds that want to stay with me. And I am okay with that. When I look in the mirror now I consciously look for love.

    I look to love myself and what I see before me. I know that all those lines are paths to loving myself and others even more. They are not scars to be erased or covered up. They are lines of living and loving fully. Of sharing and caring for others, and myself, with tenderness and compassion. Just as Cindy saw me. No judgment. No criticism. No agenda.

    Cindy saw me, and she loved me so that I could learn to see and love myself.

    And if I can do that, you can too.

    Today, when you look in the mirror, look carefully to see you.

    Try to see yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you unconditionally, appreciates you for all your best qualities, and would never judge you.

    If there’s no one who has ever loved and appreciated you in this way, understand that this is likely why you struggle to see your beauty, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

    Don’t worry about an image you think should be reflected back at you. Look for you in the mirror. Don’t focus on the laugh lines; focus on the smile. Don’t home in on the scars; remember the strength that helped you heal. Don’t look at yourself with a critical eye; look for and celebrate the light in your eyes.

    I guarantee if you look carefully, you will see something, someone beautiful. Someone worth loving and caring for. Someone soft and tender and precious. Someone who has a place in this world and a gift to share.

    Someone beautiful.

    You.

  • How Getting What You Want Can Sabotage You

    How Getting What You Want Can Sabotage You

    Winning the Race

    “You can’t win enough. You can’t have enough money. You can’t succeed enough. The only thing that can satiate that existential thirst is love. I just remember that day I made that shift from wanting to be a winner to wanting to have the most powerful, deep, and beautiful relationships I could possibly have.” ~Will Smith

    About a year ago, I made the decision to start seriously working out with weights for the first time in my life. I’ve always been an athlete and in decent shape, but I wanted to test my body and see how much of its physical potential I could realize.

    Besides, I was approaching thirty and wasn’t exactly looking like the same pillar of youth I used to look like.

    Well, needless to say, it worked. Within six months, I got into the best shape of my life I had ever been in. I went from a very unhealthy 170 pounds down to a very healthy, lean, and toned 160 pounds. I felt so incredible, both physically and mentally.

    But then something strange happened.

    I started to slack off, until eventually, I just up and stopped. I lost the desire and motivation to keep going and keep exercising. As a consequence, within a few months, I fell back into the same shape I was in before I started.

    I got exactly what I wanted. I started lifting weights to get into the best shape of my life, which I did. I wanted to get really healthy and fit, which I did.

    So then why did I stop? Why did I slow down? What happened to my desire and motivation to keep going?

    I just couldn’t understand what happened.

    I wanted to find the answer to these questions, so I started doing some exploring, both internally and externally.

    The fact is I was duped. Actually, we’ve all been duped.

    In the modern era, we’ve become an overwhelmingly results-based society. It’s all about the destination. It’s all about goals. It’s all about the achievements, the rewards, the prizes, the medals, the trophies, the paycheck, and the big shiny things we can acquire and stuff into the big shiny house.

    The only problem is this: Nobody ever told us what would happen once we actually got those things.

    If a person sets out to lift weights and exercise for the sole purpose of reaching a weight goal, then where is the desire and motivation to continue lifting weights and exercising going to come from once that goal is reached?

    Some might say, “Well, then you have to set a new weight goal and go after that one!”

    So I’m supposed to just constantly be held hostage by results? I’m supposed to just keep chasing one goal after another, like a cat chasing a string? I’m supposed to become permanently attached at the hip to hitting targets?

    That sounded really monotonous, tedious, and lifeless. No thanks!

    The answer to my questions came to me when I was watching an interview with a man named Elliot Hulse, a gym owner and passionate fitness coach:

    “When we go to the gym with a goal in mind and we just go through the motions robotically, it robs us of the experience of the actual workout. Think about going to the gym just for the workout and not for the goal; not just so that you can put a check mark next to the reps and the sets that you did, but so that you can really become engaged with what your body wants to express.” 

    Like most people, I decided to start lifting weights and exercising to get into great shape. I did it for the sole purpose of achieving an outcome; of getting an end result. The problem with that is, since that was my main source of desire and motivation to work out, I lost that source of desire and motivation once I reached my goal.

    Getting into great shape and becoming fit was an awful source of desire and motivation. My reasons for starting to work out in the first place were bad ones.

    Lifting weights and exercising was nothing more than a means to an end for me. I didn’t do it because I actually wanted to do it. I didn’t do it because I loved the activity itself. I did it for superficial reasons.

    As a consequence, once I got what I wanted, I didn’t care to do it anymore. I no longer had the desire or motivation to keep working out.

    Instead of lifting weights and exercising for the sole purpose of getting into great shape, I should have started lifting weights and exercising for the sole purpose of loving the activity itself; of loving the physical challenge it presented to me as a way to test myself.

    Boom! That was it. That was the answer I was looking for. That was the answer to my questions, and was exactly what I was looking for.

    So, I started over. This time, however, my reasons for working out and exercising changed.

    With my newfound outlook, I completely stopped setting goals. No targets, no projections, and no objectives. I simply told myself this, and reminded myself of it every single day:

    “Love working out. Love lifting weights. Love the challenge of pushing myself to my physical maximum. Love the process. Enjoy it!”

    Not only did I get back into great shape, I felt much better along the way. I didn’t feel any pressure to achieve any arbitrary goals or targets. Working out didn’t become this monotonous task that I felt like I had to do in order to justify an expectation.

    I actually loved working out. I became engaged with it. It became really fun. I became much better at it, and even performed better.

    And the best part? My desire and motivation to work out has never been greater. It’s never faded off. Not even in the slightest bit. It will never run out. Why? Because my desire and motivation for working out comes from an infinite source: The love of the activity and the process itself.

    I transferred this outlook over to my work life as well. I have zero goals in my career. I don’t have a single objective or target set. Instead, I tell myself this, every single day:

    “Love your work. Enjoy working. Be the absolute best you can at what you do. Provide as much value to every single person you work with as possible.”

    To this day, I’ve never been more successful, happy, and fulfilled in my career. I’ve progressed much further than I ever did before since adopting this new outlook. I feel liberated and unshackled, like I’ve lifted a huge mental weight off my shoulders.

    Results are always the biggest imposter. Goals are always the biggest distraction. They’re a trap. If you do things for the sole purpose of achieving results and goals, then you’re robbing yourself of the opportunity to really become fully enthralled, intimate, and engaged with the process and journey itself.

    You’ll sabotage yourself.

    You don’t have to set goals to get results. Results are simply a natural consequence of enjoying something and doing it well. Results are things that come to you. They’re not things you can get.

    By prioritizing the process itself as opposed to what you can get from it, you create an endless source of desire and motivation. You liberate and unshackle yourself from the traps of results-oriented thinking. You’re able to do what you love with less pressure, less tension, and less stress.

    Not to mention, you’ll still get the results you want. Often times, you’ll get even better results than before.

    You might be thinking, “What if I don’t enjoy the process I’m doing?” Well, perhaps it’s time to move on. Quit. If something doesn’t make you happy, or makes you miserable, is it worth it to continue that process in the long run?

    Or, you can simply change things up a bit. If lifting weights is a process you don’t enjoy, try bodyweight exercises. Try resistance training, like kayaking or swimming. Keep changing things up until you do find something you can truly love and enjoy taking part in.

    Besides, if you find yourself truly unhappy doing something, there’s a good chance that whatever goals you aim to achieve won’t actually satisfy you anyways, or make it feel like the price you paid was worth doing something that made you feel miserable the entire time.

    The process is the most important thing. It’s the journey itself that yields the greatest rewards; that makes you feel awake, present, engaged, and alive.

    “Happiness is in the doing, not getting what you want.” ~Jesse Wallace

    Winning the race image via Shutterstock

  • Pushing Yourself to Try When You’re Afraid of Failing

    Pushing Yourself to Try When You’re Afraid of Failing

    You Only Fail When You Stop Trying

    “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.” ~Beverly Sills

    Before I became a teenager, I developed a characteristic and a disease that went hand-in-hand: I was a perfectionist, and I had an eating disorder.

    While my perfectionism was helpful in succeeding at things such as school and sports, the same perfectionism helped to fuel a dangerous relationship with my own body.

    Fortunately, I received treatment in high school, and I learned to handle my issues related to anorexia and bulimia in healthy ways. This process was neither easy nor simple, but I felt cared for in the arms of recovery. It wasn’t until years later, when I was out of college, that the safety of recovery felt far away.

    Felt far away, I should emphasize. It was tantalizingly within reach, but I was reluctant to seek its grasp. This reluctance was based on my fear—not my fear of asking for help (I had done that before, after all), but my fear of failing at recovery.

    Since I relapsed into an eating disorder in my twenties, going back into treatment felt daunting—I let myself go too long in sickness and poor health, physically and emotionally, because of my trepidation.

    Certainly, one fear was based on living without a disease I had grown to depend upon, but another fear was my unwillingness to ‘fail’ at treatment—if I couldn’t be perfect at it, why bother?

    In the end, this fear kept me from receiving the help I desperately needed. I did not want to disappoint others (or myself) by entering recovery and failing. My disease affected not only me, but also my family and friends. Could I really subject them to the hope of my recovery, only to disappoint them?

    Eventually, I reached the point where I knew I was either going to die by this disease or live another way. As scary as recovery felt, I knew I had to try at life. And that meant trying again at treatment, even if it took several tries.

    Entering recovery—or rather, my long putting-off of entering recovery—was not an easy or perfect process.

    Like a normally calm person losing their temper, I finally had to abandon my pride (I don’t need help! I’m not that bad! Recovering means settling!), and accept the inevitable: I did need help, the disease was that bad, and recovering meant much needed (and deserved) health.

    Through the process I learned that I deserve a life of recovery, no matter how hard it can be, and I also learned how to find the success in moving past the fear of disappointment and into a mindset that strives to try.

    The end result is not guaranteed, and you may even fail, but we can find joy and resolve in the effort.

    Are there areas in your life you have felt the fear of disappointment? Perhaps a new job opportunity, or going back to school? Sometimes pursuing relationships or new passions and hobbies can create this anxiety.

    The process can seem overwhelming, and the fear of failure can loom large. But what if the fear of disappointment did not dictate what we tried to do and who we tried to be? How can we feel confident in trying?

    1. Think it through, but don’t over think.

    Any new undertaking involves discernment and time to think and weigh the options. But sometimes when we overthink, we may talk ourselves out of opportunity due to fear instead of into a worthwhile adventure.

    This doesn’t mean you should take a leap and then tune out your thoughts and feelings. There is something to be said about your instinct and what your gut is trying to tell you.

    When I finally reached out to a therapist that was recommended to me, I did not have a strong connection with her. But my time with her reinforced that healing was possible, and she led me to another therapist who was a better fit and has been instrumental in my recovery.

    2. Find value in the process.

    Some projects in life have definite finish lines, but other times we are called to continue growing. In both cases, the process itself is essential to the work being done. Once I settled into therapy, I was reminded that mental health does not operate on linear time—celebrating simple or little success helped me see the bigger picture.

    For those embarking on a new adventure or trying to undertake a new project, it isn’t too uncommon to worry oneself so far into the future that we struggle with the realities of the present. I know I began to fear how I would handle recovery in future situations, like while on vacation or out to eat with friends. But in each day of the process, I discovered more of my own strength that allowed me to continue on, even in the face of unknowable circumstances.

    Focus on each step of the journey and the outcome will take care of itself.

    3. Talk away the fears.

    Fear and disappointment can ring loudly inside your mind. Letting them out and bringing them to light can help diminish their power. When I sat the people in my life down and explained to them that I was seeking therapy once again, I saw the concern and love in their eyes, and that erased my fear of their disappointment.

    Having the right people in your life who can listen to your fears is a great gift. Allow yourself the freedom to recognize these people and the value they bring. If you struggle to know who to reach out to, consider the power of your word in journaling, poetry, or song writing (or even wordless body movements—dancing, painting, and sculpting, and so on!)

    You may not be able to completely let go of your fears, but expressing them may help you find the courage to act in spite of them.

    4. Find value in yourself, despite the imperfections.

    Since recovery—ten years in—I certainly have failed, by some standards for sure. I have not always made the best decisions. But what has made me successful is the resolve to absolutely never settle into how I used to think.

    My recovery was successful the moment I decided to try. Being patient with the process and gentle with myself even when I experienced setbacks allowed this success to continue.

    Give yourself credit for making an effort and you’ll find yourself motivated to continue.

    Ultimately, we may not be perfect, but we will not be doomed so long as we try.

    You only fail when you stop trying image via Shutterstock

  • The Keys to Finding Happiness After a Traumatic Childhood

    The Keys to Finding Happiness After a Traumatic Childhood

    Sad Child

    “It is never to late to have a happy childhood.” ~Tom Robbins

    A few days ago, when my older brother and I were sorting through old family photos, we found a picture of us from when we were about five and six years old. We were smiling. Just two kids full of life with no idea of what was to come.

    This was before the start of all the rage—before all the pain and an unfortunate series of events.

    My childhood was rough. I know some people may wish to return to those young innocent years of playing outside and going about our way without a worry in the world. However, if I had a choice to return to my childhood, I would hesitate at the gate.

    At the tender age of eleven, I was snatched from my home. I didn’t know why, all I knew was that my mother had done something bad and that my siblings and I had to be removed for our safety.

    When I was old enough to understand what had happened, I learned that my mother had gone to a mental institution to receive help and counseling for her anger.

    I used to think, “Well, everyone gets angry,” but this was different.

    Her words were a bit too harsh, her actions a bit too unpredictable, her impact a bit too negative. I remember sitting in the bathroom crying and wondering why I just couldn’t live a simple, happy life like the children in movies.

    Recovering from a traumatic childhood can be extremely difficult, especially when taking into consideration how valuable our childhoods are when preparing for adulthood. As of today, although my mother is generally in a more stable mindset, I can still hear the sound of her voice shouting threats I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

    When attempting to deal with a traumatic childhood, I feel the first solution that comes to mind is to forget it. However, trying to pretend that something did not happen doesn’t fix the negativity it has already enforced.

    When I first entered college, I saw it as an opportunity to get away from home and interact with others. With this in mind, I left my family home, but brought all the effects of my childhood with me.

    Throughout my high school years, I had become agoraphobic. I barely left my house and it pained me to attend school. When I entered college the same pattern persisted.

    I was scarred and I blamed my mother.

    She was the reason I was so negative, vain, and alone. I finally came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to dwell on the past, allowing it to devour me inside out. So I eventually had to learn to let go, which proved more difficult than I first perceived.

    The first step to recovering from a childhood of physical, emotional, or mental abuse would be to attack it at the source. I mean standing head to head with what happened and not running away. We must accept that it happened and admit that it has affected us.

    When I attempted to dispose of my issue by running off to college, I forgot that it was still the reason behind my negative attitude. I would try so hard to disguise the fact that something was wrong and that I was unhappy.

    I thought it made me look weak and defeated. However, accepting that something is wrong takes even more strength than trying to pretend that everything is all right.

    It also allows you to take control of your life and put yourself on the path to healing.

    After determining that I was indeed affected by my mother’s explosive fits of rage, which led to other events throughout my childhood, I needed clarification as to why all of these things had occurred.

    I wanted to get to the bottom and dig up the roots of this issue in order to seek closure. So I sat and spoke with my mother, something I had never done. She explained to me that anger disorders had always been prominent in her family.

    She informed me of the time my grandmother killed a puppy trapped under her barn because the noise kept her up at night.

    She also told me how my grandfather went into explosive fits of rage after coming home from a night of drinking. At one point he even attempted to hit her with an axe. I then realized that my mother’s behavior did not come from her genuinely despising me, but was a direct reflection of what she’d experienced during her childhood.

    With this, I knew that I had to change because I did not want to continue to spread this lineage of anger.

    When we ask questions and gain clarification, we begin to achieve a sense of peace or relief that we finally have the answers and can learn to move on. When we choose to run away from our problems, we never get the clarification we need to move forward.

    Another important step on the journey to recovery is learning to define our happiness by ourselves. Quite often, we tend to dwell on the challenges of our childhood and blame them on one particular person, or blame them for our current unhappiness.

    Not to say that our traumatic childhoods had no effect of our adult lives, but rather the reason we are still unhappy is because we’ve chosen not to recognize these effects and properly address them so that we may move forward.

    If you choose to remain in a state of unhappiness due to the challenges faced during childhood, you will never be able to find peace.

    During my high school years, I would always blame my mother for my childhood experiences, and I concluded that my childhood experiences were the reason I could not be successful or accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish.

    I felt my childhood had made me a victim, and thought that was the reason behind my unhappiness and overall instability.

    What I came to understand was that I was still unhappy because of the fact that I viewed myself as a victim. I was still unhappy because I held on to my childhood. To me, it was a valid explanation for all the things I felt I could not do.

    I became a happier person when I began taking responsibility for my own happiness. I stopped blaming my mother for every horrible thing that had ever happened to me and I stopped blaming my childhood for my failure.

    One of the most common mistakes we make when referencing our traumatic childhoods is comparing them to others with “normal” childhood experiences. When we compare ourselves, we are taking away from the essence of who we are. Our childhoods, traumatic or not, are a part of who we are and what makes us, us.

    Take a look around and think of where you are now. You may have a beautiful family and the career you’ve always wanted. As for me, had I not had such a traumatic childhood I wouldn’t be able to write this post and help someone else by sharing my story.

    Think of all the good things that have come from your experience and you might just begin to be thankful you had it.

    One of the major lessons I’ve learned throughout my entire journey is that sometimes you just have to let go and trust that everything will turn out okay. Moving on from the past is stressful, especially when we feel as if we have an obligation to fix something that can no longer be fixed.

    We also tend to look to the past for answers to current situations. By doing this we are unintentionally taking away from present moment. Holding on to my traumatic childhood prevented me from moving forward with the rest of my life.

    It wasn’t my childhood preventing me from accomplishing things; it was my negative perception of myself. When I finally decided enough was enough, I began to look at things from a different angle.

    Maybe it wasn’t my fault or anyone’s fault for that matter—it doesn’t matter. What does matter is finding happiness once again and being content with what happened in my past without allowing it to become a burden.

    We sometimes get this clouded illusion of how life is supposed to be, but truth be told, you have to fight through some bad days, to earn the best days of your life.

    Sad child image via Shutterstock

  • Who Says We Have To Be Happy All the Time?

    Who Says We Have To Be Happy All the Time?

    Im Sad Be Happy

    “Develop a mind that is vast like the water, where experiences both pleasant and unpleasant can appear and disappear without conflict, struggle, or harm. Rest in a mind like vast water.” ~Buddha

    When I think about having to be happy all of the time, I feel a certain kind of pressure. Sure, it’s different now then it was. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t cycles when I question everything.

    Sometimes I can catch myself thinking that everything would magically fall into place if I had all the success I want in my career, the happily-ever-after relationship without any issues, or anything else I seemingly need.

    Happy enough that I didn’t care, I’d walk around like a beaming light where everyone saw my radiance and adored me.

    It’s a noble wish. I can envy those who seem happy all of the time and seemingly have it all together. The problem is, it’s a dream of perfection. On a day when I don’t feel happy or like a dark cloud is passing over my head, I can feel I’ve failed at life.

    The pressure to be happy actually makes me unhappy. And when I feel sorrow or pain or depression, I can fear it’ll never go away. I worry the prize of arriving to this Big Beautiful Happy Life isn’t mine to have in the first place.

    Here are three things I’ve learned to get through the lows that have helped me change the way I view my life and myself.

    1. Moments of real connection often stem from acknowledging our struggles.

    Sometimes when I was in the dumps, I wanted to hide and isolate myself. But shared moments of loving connection didn’t always have to happen when I was my happiest self. 

    When I look at my closest friendships, I realize what helped form them into solid, supportive relationships were through moments of shared vulnerability.

    True intimacy came when I revealed what I was feeling or what I was going through, opening up to a deeper emotional honesty.

    Not feeling afraid to share truthfully what was going on for me allowed another person in more profoundly. And because of this, others felt safer to be real with me. They didn’t worry I’d judge them for how they felt on any given day and I’d have compassion.

    It’s the heart where true connection lies, not just in times of laughter and shared happiness. And forming a loving bond through times of difficulty gave us more appreciation for the shared joys that did arise.

    I learned how to do this though without being in a victim mentality. If I shared what I was feeling with a sense of neediness or wanting the other to help me, fix me, save me, it was harder to be around me.

    But if I shared with a sense of 100% responsibility for my feelings and issues, others trusted I would take care of myself without having to do anything for me.

    I could say, “I’m having a difficult time and this is what I’m learning about myself.”

    My intention for self-awareness and an interest to solve my own problems with humility gave people space to be with me without feeling burdened.

    And this in return (although not expected) allowed reciprocity.

    2. Peaceful acceptance is more important, and more sustainable, than happiness.

    I can be hard on myself.

    This idea of a perfect life—to not be messy, mixed-up, afraid, and feeling small—makes those days when I’m down much harder.

    Now, I just let those dark days be. Or more than that, I know even though those times suck royally, I’m growing.

    Now, I focus on what can make me feel peaceful rather than happy. There’s a lot more room then to get stronger and bring back the fire that seems to have left me.

    I do grounded, simple things that bring me joy—like knitting, reading a good novel, seeing a play, or taking a long walk in a different neighborhood.

    These small moments of taking the day easy and allowing with grace brings me inner-balance, which I discovered is most needed in these kinds of down-and-outs.

    Just chilling out and taking the strain off helps me feel more present, alive, and clear. And that is far more sustaining than the elated, euphoric states I can have when something great does happen for me.

    Those super-over-the-top kind of happy moments are fleeting and transitory. They pass by quickly as I return to daily life.

    Creating peace rather than striving for constant happiness gets me off the hook. Free of drama, stress, and anxiety, I take it easy even if I still feel messed up. Then, I’m even keel and that’s a lovely feeling.

    It’s really kind of refreshing. In reality, I don’t have to do anything or get anything to be happy. I just get to be me.

    3. Periods of uncertainty do pass, but it’s how we hold them in the present that matters most.

    I’ve learned I can feel down when I’m not feeling on purpose or when I’m unsure of what’s next.

    Not knowing what’s going to happen, I can fear I’ll be stuck in the muck, unsafe, unlovable, and not enough.

    That in-between space is uncomfortable and disquieting. If I don’t feel on point, motivated, or like I’m getting what I want immediately, I can think I’ve failed in life.

    As an artist, I can worry my next creative project won’t come or fear I will never fall in love again.

    This kind of future thinking is the death to my happiness—because I can think there’s something wrong with me for not having it all figured out.

    What I do in these times is . . . nothing big.

    I focus on nurturing myself and find the easiest thing I can do. I apply what’s gentle, loving, and kind. I ask my spirit what it needs rather than my ego that’s striving for happiness.

    I accept it as a time to go within rather than seek pleasure without—a gentle time to restore and regenerate, giving myself space to prepare inwardly for the new.

    Truth is, there are sometimes slow moving streams and still pools, and I can’t force a river no matter how much I want to.

    My learning is not to flee from my sense of emptiness but to loosen my grip and relax into the gap. Like a trapeze artist letting go of one bar and reaching for the next, I trust it’s in this very space that the new is discovered.

    I try to honor the passages without forcing anything. As I take tender steps toward my endeavors, I allow the beauty of the next to arise according to its own timing.

    Somehow I’m freer even if I happen to be unhappy. I know it’s not really the truth of my being. And that’s a very cool thing.

    (Kinda’ something that makes me happy . . .)

    What gives you a sense of peaceful aliveness? In what ways can you connect more with others? How might you meet transition cultivating a sense of “easy”? And how might all of this give you more permission to be?

    Be happy image via Shutterstock

  • We Deserve Love Even When We Do Things We Regret

    We Deserve Love Even When We Do Things We Regret

    Sad Woman

    “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brené Brown

    Do you have parts of yourself that you’d like to change? Maybe even parts of your personality you’re a little embarrassed by?

    I do.

    And if I started to list them I probably wouldn’t know where to stop.

    I can be a complainer and whiner. Even worse, I sometimes turn into a martyr and feel sorry for myself. Other times I’m overly impulsive and have been known to have a really erratic temper.

    But the thing is, we’re not our behavior. Often we know when we’re not acting our best and if you’re like me, you’re exceptionally hard on yourself.

    In the past when these less than noble parts of myself raised their whiny heads, I cringed and felt ashamed. It seemed proof that I had not traveled far at all on the road of self-discovery.

    For instance, I often write about mindful living.

    Yet in the past year I alienated an editor and lost a writing gig by not thinking before I fired off a rather rude email.

    I hurt a friend when I wasn’t sensitive to the things happening in her life.

    I’m an advocate of eating healthy, organic food yet twice in the past month I bought a bag of Fritos and devoured it.

    Who the f*&% am I to be writing about mindfulness and healthy living?

    Oh, yeah, and I swear too much.

    If I indulged myself, I would start to think why even bother trying to be my best? Nothing is going to work out anyway. I’ll be the same sorry loser I always was. But that kind of thinking gets us nowhere. And when we’re feeling bad, our lesser selves often rise to the surface.

    When we sink into these places of despair it can be so hard to crawl back out.

    But we have to. We need to recognize when despair first begins to wrap its slimy arms around our necks and threatens to pull us into that dark hole of depression.

    We need to develop tools and learn to call on them in times of crisis. We may need to see a doctor and get medication. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

    We can change how we act. It’s not easy. It takes a lot of work but it can be done.

    And something happens when we change our behavior. We begin to change inside as well.

    Who are your ignoble selves? We all have them.

    • Do you judge others?
    • Do you feel like you could tell everyone a thing or two about religion, politics or life?
    • Do you make fun of people for doing or saying things you find unintelligent?

    Our judgment usually comes for a sense of inadequacy in our own lives. We all do this from time to time, so you don’t need to judge yourself for doing it. But you can leverage this awareness to change your thoughts and behavior. The key is to work toward change from a place of self-compassion instead of motivating yourself with shame. How do we do that?

    Practice acceptance.

    If I could choose one word that has helped me to live with my ignoble selves it would be acceptance.

    It’s a simple concept, yet hard to practice. But acceptance has been far more helpful to me than either love or forgiveness.

    The truth is, there are people in my life I have a hard time forgiving or loving, but I’ve been able to create positive change in my life by accepting what they’ve done.

    I really can’t forgive my grandfather who molested me as a young child. And I certainly feel no love for him.

    I’m not sure I’ve forgiven my sweet, scared, and skittish mother for not seeing the deep, acute pain I was in and doing something about it, but I will always love her just the same.

    Acceptance has led me along the path of love and forgiveness, but I couldn’t get there without first accepting the reality of life as it is: imperfect and painful as well as fulfilling and full of joy. Both realities are accurate.

    Acceptance ultimately comes back to accepting ourselves as we are with all our beautiful imperfections. Once we truly accept who we are for what we are, we open the way to change.

    Forgive yourself.

    We often forgive others much more easily than we forgive ourselves, but after acceptance, forgiving yourself may be the next most important step.

    Forgive yourself for your imperfections.

    Forgive yourself for your less than noble behavior.

    Forgive yourself for not being the person you think your lover or friends or family want you to be.

    Forgive yourself if you’re still not living the life you think you should live.

    Life is not easy on any of us.

    We’ve all had traumas and losses. We all have personality traits that are less than stellar.

    But if we begin with acceptance and move onto forgiveness, we will inevitably come to the ultimate goal: love.

    And when we truly love ourselves, we’ll find our ignoble selves become less and less dominant. They’ll still show up from time to time. That’s just the nature of things, but with love we can kindly refuse to indulge them.

    Love brings laughter back into our lives and helps us turn our ignoble selves into one perfectly flawed being alive with joy and love.

    Sad woman image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips for Managing Stress from a Combat Veteran

    4 Tips for Managing Stress from a Combat Veteran

    Meditating

    “Buddha was asked, ‘What have you gained from meditation?’ He replied, ‘Nothing.’ ‘However,’ Buddha said, ‘let me tell you what I lost: anger, anxiety, depression, insecurity, fear of old age, and death.’”

    “I never get stressed.”

    I used to say and think this all the time when I saw someone freaking out about an upcoming test, a bad grade, relationship problems, or a boss or coworker.

    I had a false sense of being “carefree” because I wouldn’t get stressed over the trivial things that most people did.

    I was a “battle hardened” soldier recently back from a deployment in Afghanistan. When I saw people worry about those inconsequential things, I would think to myself, “Please, you have no idea what it means to be stressed.”

    As it turns out, my understanding of stress was wrong. It’s also wrong for a lot of people who believe they aren’t stressed.

    It wasn’t until I started meditating three years after my deployment that I started to realize that I was stressed—just in a different way and from different things than most people.

    After meditating every day for a couple months, my “ah-ha” moment finally hit me.

    I was sitting in traffic, late for an appointment (I hate being late), watching all the people around me freaking out. For once, I was calm and collected sitting in that traffic, thinking, “Why freak out about something I can’t change?”

    That was when I really started to see the benefits and began reflecting on my past.

    I realized that since returning from my deployment, I had become very irritable, not a great people person, and had very little patience.

    The reaction time between something happening and my response was almost immediate.

    If my girlfriend confronted me about a problem, I would immediately either get defensive and blame her or just shut down and ignore her.

    Literally all of this started to change, just from consistently meditating for eight minutes a day!

    My life has been drastically different since then. I am much more calm and collected. I don’t get upset over little things, especially if they’re out of my control.

    My response time to a stimulus has greatly increased so I can choose the type of reaction I have and think about what to say.

    My relationship with my wife (the same girlfriend from before) is incredible, and we know how to communicate like mature adults by allowing time to see the reality of a situation and choose how we respond to it.

    I’ve brought about an awareness that allows me to continually grow as a person and manage the hidden stressors that often go by unnoticed.

    This is just part of a long list of benefits from meditation, and I could go on and on… like how nice it is to be able to travel in third world countries without constantly keeping an eye out for ambushes or looking for my next piece of cover (a habit I had from deployment).

    Although it’s great to talk about meditation and its benefits, what I really want people to understand is that there may be a lot more stress in your life than you realize, and when you meditate you become aware of that stress and are able to shift how you respond to it.

    When it comes to this type of stress, the older you are, the worse it gets.

    If you have ten, twenty, thirty-plus years of having negative experiences without intentionally prioritizing positive ones, you are much more likely to easily become stressed and have a negative view of the world.

    The more hidden stress you experience, the more efficient your body gets at activating your physiological stress response, commonly known as “fight or flight” mode.

    Ask yourself this: Were you, or someone you know, once “carefree” but are now afraid of heights, flying, and think natural disasters and shootings are about to happen whenever you leave home?

    Well, you can thank your body’s efficient adaptability for that. The more stressful situations you have (and yes, watching all the negative things on the news is stressful), the more your body thinks it needs to switch into the fight or flight response to keep you safe.

    That means your brain becomes more efficient at recognizing even the smallest of stressors, and less efficient at calming down or noticing positive things.

    For me, it was a condensed time period that required a lot of worst-case scenario thinking. When you are constantly exposed to driving on roads with IEDs (improvised explosive devices), that stress response will condition your physiology to tell you that roads are a very dangerous place.

    The same thing happens if you only watch the news; you’ll have a very misconstrued perception of the world, and you’ll be constantly feeding the bias your brain has for negative experiences.

    Evolutionarily, your brain has needed to remember negative experiences to protect you much more than it needed to remember positive experiences. It takes time to undo this wiring of neural pathways that your brain has put in place. But it can be done, and meditation is a great way to build new “positive pathways” in your brain.

    There’s an enormous amount of ways to meditate so I’ll share what I’ve personally done and am still doing, in the hopes that it will help you as well.

    1. Basic mindfulness meditation

    I started my practice with a book called 8 Minute Meditation. It takes you through a series of different styles, most of which I liked. But from this I continued to do a simple meditation every morning of focusing on my breath. Just doing this lead me to the “ah-ha moment” I mentioned earlier.

    2. Meditation apps

    I also use a couple different apps now that I like to use mid-day or at night. In particular, I like the “loving kindness” options, also known as “focus on positive”. This is perfect for trying to counteract the negativity bias and rebuild positive neural pathways. There are a lot of options out there, including Calm, which is free.

    3. Reading

    This may not be thought of as meditation, but if meditation can be doing one task effortlessly with focused concentration on that one particular task, then reading is a type of meditation for me.

    I easily enter what’s called “flow state” when I read. Not only that, I’m reading positive things which helps shape the way I think. The other end of this could also be “not watching the news”, just like I don’t like putting junk in my body by eating it, I don’t like putting junk in my body by watching/hearing it.

    If reading isn’t quite your thing, then try listening to podcasts. Preferably podcasts that lift you up and feed your brain with positivity and learning. These can be easily listened to on your way to work, at the gym, cooking, walking, or you can just sit down and listen.

    4. Walking

    Walking is such an undervalued way to de-stress. I love walking for a lot of reasons, pretty much any major life decision my wife and I have made in the past few years has been made while walking.

    In terms of meditation, walking meditation is an awesome practice. It’s a great way to bring about your awareness while getting the benefits of moving your body. Odds are, you walk at some point in your day. So if you’re strapped for time, use walking from the car to work as time to practice mindfulness.

    After hating being late to the point of stressing out, I now tell myself, “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. In the here, in the now.” This has helped me drastically. Check out Thich Naht Hahn’s How to Walk for more.

    There are a number of other ways to help you de-stress and become a more relaxed, positive person. These are just some ways to get started and feel less anxious, worried, and negative.

    Start to use some of these strategies and it’ll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders that you didn’t even know was there.

    Meditation vector image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Being a Victim of Your Own High Expectations

    How to Stop Being a Victim of Your Own High Expectations

    “The outward freedom that we shall attain will only be in exact proportion to the inward freedom to which we may have grown at a given moment. And if this is a correct view of freedom, our chief energy must be concentrated on achieving reform from within.” ~Gandhi

    If someone asked you to recall the last time you were kind to yourself, would you struggle to bring up that memory?

    At one point in time, I couldn’t remember ever being kind to myself.

    I grew up with a lot of expectations from a demanding mother and other caretakers. Their expectations were all about them being in control and always being right.

    It was more than confusing; it left me with a need to prove myself constantly, and it gave me an inner critic that berated me at an early age.

    Years later, I got a job in corporate America where expectations were clear-cut and measured. Positive encouragement and regular successes made me feel good about myself.

    I became addicted to that feeling. My ego encouraged me to continually exceed other peoples’ expectations by making my own even higher. My inner critic accepted nothing less.

    Then I started my own business. I expected success to come quickly, easily, and be beyond anything I had experienced before.

    It certainly bypassed my expectations—in the worst way possible.

    This is a story of failure and how life got better when three small changes worked together to free me from being a victim of my own expectations.

    Take a look, and imagine what these changes can do for you.

    Change One: How You Treat Yourself

    Not only had my third attempt at creating a successful business failed but also the man I loved turned out to be a lying, thieving con artist who left me emotionally and financially broke.

    Life became nothing more than dealing with shame, runaway anxiety, and panic attacks that flung me out of bed at night.

    Then I tripped over a bag of books one day that I’d packed for a fundraiser. One fell out.

    Have you ever heard of the Buddhist practice called loving-kindness? I hadn’t, but Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance that fell at my feet explained it to me. Desperate for any relief I gave it a go.

    The practice begins with expressing loving-kindness first for yourself and then for others. Think you might have trouble with that? Then begin by expressing kindness to someone or something you love such as a pet. Take that feeling and transfer it to yourself.

    That’s how I had to do it. It was both heart- and eye-opening to realize how mean I had been to myself, and for how long I’d been that way.

    Though the full loving-kindness practice can take hours to complete, using this shortened version is a quick, effective way to feel better about yourself.

    This is what I’ve taken as my mantra, but feel free to use your own words: May I be filled with loving-kindness. May I be held in loving-kindness. May I realize loving-kindness as my essence.

    The practice is simple and easy to do: Eyes opened, lowered, or closed, speak the words quietly or silently, and immerse yourself in the feeling of loving-kindness for as long as you can or for as long as time permits. Thirty seconds is fine, but the longer you can sustain the feeling, the quicker you’ll reap the benefits of this practice.

    Not only can you begin and end your day with loving-kindness but you can also easily practice it as you’re waiting for tea or coffee to brew, an elevator or bus to show up, or a person to come back after putting you on hold.

    Aim for a total of six or more practices each day. Not only will that help you make a habit out of treating yourself kindly but it’s also a great stress buster.

    Yes, you have to practice, but imagine how good you’ll feel when you fill yourself with all that loving-kindness.

    Change Two: What You Say That Limits You

    Though I was trying to be nicer to myself, my inner critic was entrenched in the judgmental family attitude.

    When I challenged it to stop judging me so harshly, it was quick to call me out on my own behavior of judging people.

    It was true. I judged, and I labeled.

    Attach a label to someone and that’s how you see them and think of them—even when evidence exists to the contrary.

    And what I was doing to other people was the same thing I was doing to myself.

    So I challenged myself. For every negative label I wanted to attach to someone, I had to come up with at least six different reasons that would stop me from doing so.

    For example, the person who cuts you off in traffic. Instead of labeling them as a stupid jerk, you think: Maybe they got fired or hired today. Or maybe it’s something tragic or serious that’s distracting them. Perhaps they just came from the dentist, and now they’re getting transmissions from outer space!

    It’s a practice that I made a game out of, and like any game, it has rules:

    1. You must focus on the person’s behavior and come up with six reasons that could have caused it.
    2. At least some of the answers have to be within the realm of possibility.
    3. Reject all expectations of finding the perfect answer or even coming up with six of them.

    This practice is doable anywhere and with almost anyone, including kids.

    It helps create an awareness of how labels limit your thinking and creates an awareness of the truth that what we do to other people reflects what we do to ourselves.

    Don’t forget to play it with your inner critic. Listen closely and you might hear grinding noises as it tries to switch gears from beating you up to being supportive.

    After all, if you can be less judgmental toward other people, how can it not do the same for you?

    Change Three: What You Say That Belittles You

    This one is about your self-talk habits. You know the ones when you ask yourself questions like, “How could I be so stupid? ” or, “OMG what a screw-up! Could I not make a bigger mess of things? ” or, “Why do I do this to myself? I’m such an idiot!”

    Yes, labeling is definitely going on here, but this is different. This is all about your expectations of yourself and how you talk to yourself when you fail to meet them.

    Even with the loving-kindness and labeling practices, my expectations of myself continued to run high. My inner critic loved beating up on me for every mistake, failure, or setback, real or imagined. Then one day, a little voice made itself heard, “Not being very kind to yourself, are you?”

    So leaning heavily on my loving-kindness practice, I struggled to be more tolerant of my mistakes. Asking myself questions that would produce a more positive response was a big help.

    For example: “Nothing is a total failure. There has to be something positive about this. What is it?” Or, “Is this really a mistake? Did I really screw up? Is it possible the outcome is acceptable?”

    Think about those harsh ways you talk to yourself and the questions you ask that belittle you. They may be old reruns of taunts and questions other people used on you to make you feel ashamed or to justify punishing you.

    Replace them with questions that explore the circumstances of your mistake or setback. Remember to look for anything that could be construed as positive. Doing so will help you reform your demanding expectations.

    Sometimes, positives can be hard to find. That’s when you really want to be nice to yourself. Do extra loving-kindness practices, and then ask yourself what you’ve learned from what happened.

    Experience can be a harsh teacher. Owning up to what you’ve learned may not be an easy pill to swallow. There may not be a spoonful of sugar to help it go down, but it’s certainly more desirable than beating yourself up, isn’t it?

    Small Changes Have Large Impacts

    These changes are small but powerful because they open you up to possibilities that you may not have considered previously.

    They help you stop being victimized by your own expectations by treating yourself more kindly, by helping you realize that judging other people is closely aligned with the labels and limitations you put on yourself, and by helping you see the positives in supposed failures and cut yourself some slack.

    Changing habits of thought and behaviors is challenging, but if I can do this, you certainly can!

    It all begins with a practice taking less than a minute, six times a day. It’s a small practice of showering yourself with loving-kindness.

    It’s easy to start. It’s easy to do. Just repeat after me:

    “May I be filled with loving-kindness. May I be held in loving-kindness. May I realize loving-kindness as my essence.”

  • 28 Ways We Sabotage Our Happiness (And How to Stop)

    28 Ways We Sabotage Our Happiness (And How to Stop)

    Happy People

    “The simplest things in life are the most extraordinary.” ~Paul Coelho

    Life can be frustrating. Things don’t always go according to plan.

    People let you down, your loved ones seem insufficiently appreciative, the future seems uncertain, demands pile up, and stress invades your life.

    You start to beat yourself up over mistakes. You might even start to question if you are worthy of love. Life loses its shine.

    You’re not alone. Hundreds of millions of people feel this way. But pause for a little while to consider this story.

    A personable young man approached me at a gathering and introduced himself. I had known his father professionally. Some weeks later, to my surprise, I was invited to participate in a benefit concert for this same young man.

    He had been in a sports accident only weeks after we met. In an instant, he was paralyzed from the neck down. He was flown to a leading center for such severe injuries.

    I was doubly horrified, as a parent, because our own children were not much younger than he was. Such an accident might crush anyone’s spirit, I thought.

    I recalled my own childhood. Sometimes my parents would speak words of appreciation, but more often they would criticize me. For years, I remained eager to win their approval and feel worthy.

    After years of driving myself hard to win accolades, I eventually adopted a more self-assured way of living. This brought me more fulfilment, joy, and peace of mind. But this youngster’s wings were cruelly clipped just as he was on the verge of adulthood.

    I then lost track of him for a few years. One day I opened a glossy magazine and found him smiling out at me, sitting in a wheelchair and looking radiant in his tuxedo. He’s now happily married and a champion of better opportunities for people with disabilities.

    A culture that worships status and wealth can tend to disrespect or patronize people with disabilities. But if abilities, achievements, and wealth are what make us worthy of respect and love, then our own worth remains precarious. That’s why this young man, with his invincible spirit, is such an inspiration.

    His attitudes gave him wings to transcend his predicament, even though he was permanently paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair. My past attitudes had been like a ball and chain to me, weighing me down inwardly despite my outward success. It made me reflect on the importance of our inner attitude.

    Here are twenty-eight unhelpful beliefs and behaviors that hinder happiness. Don’t let them be a ball and chain in your life.

    1. Stop thinking that you have to be just like someone else, or to match their apparent success.

    Instead, recognize that you are unique. Form your own personalized criteria of success.

    2. Stop thinking that wealth, looks, intelligence, talent, and status equate to fulfillment.

    Instead, make room for criteria such as peace of mind, joy, family happiness, love, and self-actualization.

    3. Stop thinking that you need to be perfect in order to be lovable.

    Instead, accept your faults and mistakes but believe they cannot rob you of your intrinsic dignity. Think of a mother pouring all her love into her little baby. That love is not dependent on the baby being perfect. It is a profound, unshakable love based on the baby simply existing.

    Each of us is like that baby, a child of the Universe, fashioned by love and inherently worthy of love. Affirm that to yourself regularly and you will start to rejoice in your humanity, warts and all.

    4. Stop judging yourself harshly.

    Instead, recognize that all human beings stumble. Become a more forgiving and sympathetic friend to yourself; learn from your mistakes but move on.

    5. Stop being hungry for approval.

    Instead, recognize your own power, as a human being, to appreciate, encourage, and build up others.

    Once you accept that you are inherently and unshakably lovable, your hunger for approval will be tamed. This confidence will allow you to look beyond yourself. You will become a dispenser of approval more than a seeker of it.

    6. Stop thinking that your happiness depends on how others feel about you.

    Instead, cultivate your own stable inner source of peace and joy. Take up some absorbing creative activity that fits your talents, pray or meditate, find something that reliably engages you and recharges you.

    7. Stop thinking that achievements are a measure of your worth.

    Don’t chase too many “rabbits” at one time (the many little things that bring more worry than fulfillment). As the proverb says, “Anyone who chases too many rabbits won’t catch any.”

    Instead, focus on the few “elephants” that will contribute most to your personalized criteria of success (the few goals that fit in best with what you value).

    8. Stop rehashing past mistakes or fearing future failures.

    Instead, be more fully present in each moment.

    Don’t burden yourself with trying to work it all out from moment to moment. Set apart planning time regularly, where you can solve problems and translate your cherished values into simple steps. If, for example, peace of mind is important to you, then a simple step might be to practice prayer or meditation for a few minutes each day.

    Throw yourself into your simple next steps, without rumination over the past or worry over the future. That’s how you can build a fulfilling, enjoyable life.

    9. Stop obsessing over outcomes.

    Instead, do whatever needs to be done, with all your heart. You’ll live more calmly, courageously, and vigorously, with outcomes that surprise you.

    Immerse yourself in the process and trust that you’ll be okay whatever happens.

    10. Stop thinking that every small risk will lead to disaster.

    Instead, reach courageously for more fulfillment. Don’t imprison yourself or curb your potential.

    11. Stop thinking that failure in an endeavor means that you’re a failure as a person.

    Instead, congratulate yourself for stretching beyond your comfort zone. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose; that’s okay.

    12. Stop ruminating about what can’t be changed.

    Whenever discouraged, try to remember people who suffer sudden, permanent paralysis—and still find ways to create a fulfilling life.

    13. Stop pretending that you’re just a machine.

    Instead, make some time regularly to be still, and experience the joy of spirituality. This will enhance your capacity to respect, befriend, and love others.

    14. Stop thinking that being alone means being unhappy.

    Instead, cultivate a richer inner life that can sustain you whether or not you happen to be alone.

    Your leisure time is a good place to start. Devote some of it to developing the life of the mind and soul: read some classics, challenge yourself to learn something new, absorb lessons from great teachers through the ages, open your eyes to the beauty of nature, your ears to the beauty of great music. Find sources of joy and drink deeply.

    15. Stop pretending that other people own your time.

    Instead, live more intentionally—in your work, play, voluntary service, socialization, and relaxation. Allocate your time instead of drifting.

    16. Stop thinking that you have to say “yes” to every request.

    Instead, establish your own policies and be more confidently picky. Just say “I don’t do that,” or simply “No,” whenever required.

    17. Stop acting as if your romantic partner is completely fused with you.

    Instead, nurture your self-respect and individuality. It will help keep the electricity of romance alive.

    18. Stop clinging to resentment.

    It will eat you up inside. Instead, be more eager to understand and forgive.

    Whenever it seems difficult to forgive, remember that our actions and omissions have deep roots. They spring partly from our genes, our upbringing, our opportunities or lack thereof, our successes and failures, our past wounds, and so much more. If we were to exchange places with the offender, who can be sure that we would behave any better?

    19. Stop thinking you can lash out when angry and still get what you want.

    Instead, take time out and speak once you’re calmer. You’ll get more of what you really value.

    20. Stop pretending that you have no self-control.

    Instead, take up regular exercise, work at a skill, or take up some other disciplined yet intrinsically rewarding activity. This will help build your self-control in all areas of life.

    21. Stop thinking it’s a sign of weakness to reach out for help.

    Instead, recognize that vulnerability often elicits compassion, friendship, and support.

    22. Stop mistaking disagreement by others as a sign of them disliking you.

    Instead, cultivate mutual respect and cultivate confidence in your own worth. This can withstand differences of opinion.

    23. Stop acting as if the world will end if you miss a deadline.

    Instead, decline or ignore unrealistic demands. Keep progressing toward important goals, but without sacrificing your well-being.

    24. Stop thinking that you have to navigate office politics on your own.

    If you’re pursuing career goals, try to identify and cultivate a powerful mentor. They can help steer you through minefields.

    25. Stop pretending your current job is your only option.

    Instead, keep an eye open for more fulfilling opportunities. That will help you to avoid being swamped by work.

    26. Stop thinking you’re incapable of creativity.

    When you create anything (an essay, a drawing, a crafted object, music, etc.), you affirm that you can rise above the chaos of life. Instead of being a piece of driftwood in the water, you become, for a while, the surfer who rides the breakers.

    27. Stop pretending you have no time to enjoy healthy meals.

    Make mealtimes pleasant and nourishing so that you can more easily avoid unhealthy snacks. Be good to your brain and body, and they will be good to you.

    28. Stop thinking your education has ended, no matter how old you are.

    Those who keep learning, informally or formally, boost their sense of purpose in life.

    —

    You don’t have to tackle all these things at once. Make a start with whatever speaks the most to you. Life will soon become less frustrating and more fulfilling.

    Remember you are worthy of respect, love, and joy, whatever your shortcomings and mistakes. Choose your thoughts and actions wisely and feel the difference.

    Happy people silhouette via Shutterstock

  • A Science-Backed Habit That Can Change Your Life for the Better

    A Science-Backed Habit That Can Change Your Life for the Better

    Happy Man Jumping

    “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” ~Epictetus

    When I lost my aunt to cancer three years ago, her death sat over me for months and acceptance didn’t begin until I had dinner with Kathy, one of my best friends.

    Over noodles, I shared with Kathy all the things I wouldn’t be able to do with my aunt: the conversations we would never get to have, the places we wouldn’t get to go, the food we wouldn’t be able to eat, and the grand-nephews and nieces she wouldn’t get to hold.

    Kathy asked me, “what about all the things you did get to do with your aunt?”

    I shared with Kathy how every time I experienced a breakup my aunt would make me a bowl of pho and make time to reassure me that everything would be okay, how every time I thought I was working too hard and not having fun she would invite me to play cards with her, and how when I told my family I didn’t want to be a doctor and my family disapproved she supported me.

    Tears sweep over my face with each story I was telling Kathy, but so did the biggest smile I had in a long time.

    “You’re so lucky to have the known your aunt. Think about all the people who don’t have someone like that in their life,” Kathy said.

    After that dinner, every time I thought about my aunt it would be about the memories I was grateful to have shared with her instead of the ones we wouldn’t get to have.

    Kathy helped me understand that the difference between feeling happy and feeling unhappy was the difference between viewing the world in terms of what you do/did have instead of what I don’t/didn’t have.

    This single lesson not only helped me come to terms with my aunt’s death but also taught me to frame potential negatives in my life into positives.

    Each time my flight is delayed (and it seems to happen a lot), instead of viewing it as missing four hours of my vacation, I think about lucky I am to even have an opportunity to travel.

    Each time, I forget my subway card and choose to walk back to my house to get it, I think how lucky I am to even have a subway near my house.

    Years later, I found that Kathy’s lesson wasn’t just coincident but had been scientifically proven.

    The Science and Data Support Kathy’s Lesson

    Psychologists at the University of Northampton studied how people adapt to grief after exceptional experiences such as death of a loved one.

    While this study had a small sample size and found no single factor can help overcome grief, they found having a lens of appreciating what you have/had instead of what you don’t helped one subject, “gratitude in feeling blessed to have had the time [subject] did with [loved one] as well as the overall change in his perspective, which was found to be transformative.”

    The above finding about gratitude and happiness isn’t limited to just overcoming a personal loss, but can also increase our overall happiness when dealing with every day troubles.

    In one study conducted at the University of California at Davis and the University of Miami, participants were randomly assigned into one of three groups and asked to keep a weekly journal.

    The first group (the gratitude group) was asked to list five things they were grateful for that had occurred in the past week; the second group (the irked group) recorded five experiences that irked them from the previous week; and the third group (the control) was asked to list five events that affected them the previous week with no focus on the positive or on the negative.

    When the study concluded ten weeks later, participants in the gratitude group reported feeling 25% happier and just better in general than the irked group.

    How to Let This Habit Change Your Life

    Though I have shared with you a practice that has changed my life and the science behind it, this habit will only change your life if you actively let it. And this is easy.

    In your everyday life, you will encounter inconveniences and hassles—forgetting your keys at home, being stuck in traffic, or spilling wine on yourself. Each time this happens, simply pause and instead of focusing on the negative outcome, remind yourself of the more positive larger picture—you have a home to come back to, you have time to reflect on your day, and you have access to dry-cleaning.

    Over time by focusing on the positives of an event, you will maximize your outward happiness and minimize inner suffering.

    Happy man jumping image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Signs You Have a Strong Friendship That Will Stand the Test of Time

    6 Signs You Have a Strong Friendship That Will Stand the Test of Time

    Best Friends

    “Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.” ~Muhammad Ali

    Doesn’t it hurt?

    You develop a friendship with someone who appeared to be decent but turned out to be a huge problem in your life.

    I’m not talking about those occasional slip-ups like keeping you waiting at the coffee shop until 4:10 when the rendezvous was scheduled for 4:00.

    I mean those things that completely slash the fabric of your friendship—stuff that truly hurts, like harsh words that prey on your weaknesses and sensitivities, or complete betrayal of your trust and abuse of your goodwill.

    We’re all vulnerable to being hurt by those closest to us, and I’m no exception.

    Over the years, I’ve made friends with several people who turned out to be destructive to my well-being.

    Some had spoken words to me that cut like blades. Others had coldly accused me of things I wouldn’t even dream of doing, just to save their own hide.

    But despite the pain and anguish those experiences put me through, they were telling moments in my life because they forced me to rethink my understanding of the true meaning of friendship.

    We often befriend someone because we see commonalities in them. They have shared interests, a common background, or a similar sense of humor. But while all those things are important, they’re not enough to build a deep-rooted, long-lasting friendship on, at least not by themselves.

    I had lots in common with my friends, and they always cracked me up, so why did they end up hurting me? Something was obviously missing, and after some deep reflection, I found out what it was.

    For a true friendship to form, it has to be mutually built on the essentials—strong pillars that burrow deep beyond the superficial stuff.

    Here are the six signs you have a strong friendship that will stand the test of time.

     1. You stick with each other through the highs and lows.

    You don’t desert each other when things get tough or suspiciously start spending less time together after a promotion at work.

    Your relationship doesn’t fluctuate based on each other’s bank balance, the kind of people you hang out with, or any other trivial variables.

    Your connection to one another stems from one creed—you are friends because you want to be.

    2. You keep each other in the loop.

    You have trust and confidence in each other, and you’ll come to each other directly if any problems arise between you instead of talking behind each other’s backs about it.

    You try your best to avoid getting a third party involved if you do have problems because you cherish how your friendship is like a coin—it’s two-sided and in no need of a third to be complete.

    You’re close enough to confide your problems in each other and come to a sensible solution between yourselves.

    By doing this, you both show that you are actively eradicating any potential threats to your friendship’s survival and that you genuinely care about preserving it.

    3. You view each other through a positive lens.

    You both realize that you’re human and make mistakes, so you give each other the benefit of the doubt.

    You forgive and pardon the petty stuff and don’t reignite the flames of bad memories.

    One day, my friend came over with a gift to encourage me in my studies.

    Now, I’m kind of quirky. I only do well in my studies if I stay focused through my own motivations, and I see outside encouragement as a distraction.

    I know my friend meant well, but at that moment, I rejected his gift with some snappy comment without explaining my position. I regretted it almost instantly.

    Thankfully, he gave me the benefit of the doubt and hasn’t mentioned that little blooper to this day. (Let’s hope he doesn’t mention it anytime in the near future!) Now that’s a true friend.

    4. You respect each other’s boundaries.

    You both acknowledge that you come from different backgrounds and have different upbringings, so you understand that differences of opinion are inevitable.

    You also handle those differences of opinion and other sensitivities tastefully and respectfully.

    You don’t impose your mindsets on each other, take a swipe at each other’s opinions, or become irritated if you differ on something because you both know that respecting and being respected are critical factors in maintaining a good friendship.

    You also value and treat each other as people with freedom of choice and don’t expect each other to bend out of character to entertain quirks and caprices.

    5. You share each other’s shortcomings as a gift.

    You don’t always have a hey-it’s-all-good attitude. You won’t hesitate to advise each other about a particular shortcoming because you deeply care for one another and don’t want to see each other hurt.

    Oscar Wilde once said, ”True friends stab you in the front,” and how true that was for me a few years back when I was developing a strong friendship with someone from a different culture.

    We were watching a bunch of boisterous kids wrestling, and I jokingly said, “They’re like animals!”

    I didn’t think much of it, but he immediately brought to my attention that saying something like that in his culture is very offensive and that it’s like belittling the children and their parents to a sub-human level.

    I really appreciated his sincere concern for me because if he hadn’t corrected my mistake there and then, I probably would have hurt someone with my goofy jokes!

    6. You want for each other what you want for yourself.

    You are both perfectly aware that envy is a massive threat to your friendship and that it can wreak unpredictable havoc because it’s like a festering pot itching to erupt and spew out its nasty contents.

    So you are genuinely happy for each other’s success and aren’t consumed by jealousy when one surpasses the other in any way, like with career, money, or popularity.

    When one of you comes to know of the other’s success, you react positively with hand-on-heart sincerity instead of continuously repeating the phrase, “It should have been me.”

    You are like one mind, and you see each other’s success as your success.

    Build Your Pillars of Deep-Rooted Friendship

    Friendship is truly an invaluable treasure, but only if it’s built on the right pillars. Otherwise, you risk your friends disappointing you when you most need them.

    If you’re looking to deepen and cement your friendship with someone, use these six pillars as your guidelines. Make sure they’re concretely intact, both on your side and theirs, and you’ll begin to relish the sweet fruits of true friendship.

    Or perhaps past friends have put you through painful experiences, and, like me, you don’t want to repeat that mistake.

    So put on your discernment hat and use these six pillars as your screening device. If you see someone constantly doing the opposite of these pillars, they’ll probably hurt you sooner or later.

    You deserve to be in good company, and you don’t deserve to be hurt by the people closest to you.

    So spare yourself the headache of being betrayed by someone you held close, and enjoy the value of true friendship instead.

    Best friends image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Ways to Create Amazing Friendships

    5 Ways to Create Amazing Friendships

    Friends

    “To have a friend and be a friend is what makes life worthwhile.” ~Unknown

    Studies show that perhaps the most important component of psychological well-being is not family, material possessions, or career successes, but rather our friendships.

    For someone like me, that is terrifying news.

    I have few friends. There are several reasons for that: I’ve moved often throughout my life, I’m an introvert, and I was always deeply afraid of rejection. But the root cause was that I never learned how to be a friend.

    Books and movies became my source of information about friendship and, as a result, I had wildly unrealistic expectations. People constantly disappointed me; I was hurt by and fought with every significant friend in my life.

    My inability to create and maintain authentic relationships brought me great pain. I wrote myself off as a loser, inherently flawed, and doomed to be friendless. Luckily, I realized I could teach myself to be a better friend and build meaningful connections.

    Now, I actively seek out new friendships, evaluate my current ones, and fully invest in continuing those that have all the elements of an amazing friendship. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

    It is never too late to learn to be an amazing friend.

    Here’s how:

    1. Make conscious choices.

    I never actively chose my friends; they were based on proximity and convenience. Most of those friendships didn’t last because I hadn’t chosen wisely, or at all.

    Now, I’m selective about who I choose to be friends with. This doesn’t mean that I think I’m better than others. It simply means that I understand how much energy and effort it takes to be an amazing friend.

    It’s possible to choose anyone, no matter their religious, political, or social beliefs. I’ve learned that what matters is to choose people who lovingly challenge and provoke you, who consistently comfort and cheer you, and who wholeheartedly embrace your gift of friendship—as you do theirs.

    It also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t maintain the friendships you already have, even if they began by accident.

    I met my best friend in seventh-grade PE class. We are radically different people. While I didn’t consciously choose to be her friend, I do choose to continue investing in our friendship because we are mutually committed to having an amazing friendship and actively practice the other elements on this list.

    2. Learn to listen.

    What is the value of a friend? For most of us it is to have someone with whom we can share our feelings, hopes, pains, and fears—without judgment or ridicule. Even though our desire is to be heard, we never learn how to truly listen to the intimate expressions of one another.

    I always loved when people would tell me their stories, and I always responded by giving advice. People often said I should be a therapist, which only intensified my tendency to listen by offering opinions and solutions. I now understand that I wasn’t really listening to people in a way that facilitates amazing friendships.

    An important coach taught me that a true friend understands that each one of us has the answers within us. If I am listening to you in order to come up with an answer to your problem, I’m focused on my need to fix and save and not yours to explore and share.

    This doesn’t mean we can’t share our insights or give feedback, but it does mean that we need to learn to listen to and for the other—not to validate our own opinions, but to encourage our cherished friend to explore their own truths.

    I struggle to be this kind of listener, and I often worry that the other person will think I don’t care if I don’t respond immediately. I’ve decided to be honest with my friends about how I’m trying to learn to listen and ask that they be patient with my learning process, which requires the next item on the list.

    3. Be vulnerable.

    Do you tell your friends how much they mean to you, and why? Do you share your struggles and fears? Do you apologize if you hurt someone’s feelings, even if that wasn’t your intention?

    All of the above statements are necessary for amazing friendships, and they’re only possible if you allow yourself to be vulnerable.

    I’ve found that by choosing wisely and really listening and being listened to, I have more courage to be vulnerable.

    I have a former coworker whom I really like. Close while we worked together, we’ve since grown apart. I’m not sure why, but I think it is because I didn’t know how to be a consistently good friend.

    At first, I got defensive. I was reaching out, and she wasn’t responding. Then I got sad, and eventually I decided to be vulnerable.

    I wrote her a letter and apologized for not being an amazing friend and told her how much I value her in my life. I followed up with a visit and emails. It wasn’t a cure for our friendship, but it was worth it. She deserved the acknowledgement, and I could let go with love.

    The friendships I haven’t been able to maintain make me all the more grateful for the ones that I have. And all the more committed to being an amazing friend in the present by letting the friends in my life know how much I care about them.

    4. Be accountable.

    What is your first reaction when your friend hurts or disappoints you—to blame them or to look at yourself? I’ve learned that to be an amazing friend, I have to look inward before I point outward.

    I have one friend from high school. One. It became the most important friendship of my twenties. No matter how bad I felt about myself as a friend, I consoled myself with the fact that I had maintained her friendship.

    That said, I often didn’t feel recognized or valued. We didn’t have the standards of listening I stated above, and I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable with my hurt.

    Eventually, I lashed out, and she ended the friendship. When going through a personal crisis years later, she sought me out. I was so relieved to be forgiven that we never addressed what had happened, and after a few years I began to experience the same patterns of resentment.

    I began to tell myself that she was selfish and didn’t care about me. The more righteous I felt, the more I wanted to end the friendship. But thankfully, in the years that we hadn’t been in contact, I had learned a lot.

    Being an amazing friend requires looking inward, so that is what I did. I never felt valued in my friendship with her because I never valued myself as a friend. My need to be recognized is about me, not her.

    That’s not to say that the problems in our friendship are my fault, or her fault. It’s not a question of fault. It simply means that I have needs and triggers that are about me, not her.

    If the friendship doesn’t continue, it won’t be because I labeled her a bad friend and blamed her. It’ll be because we don’t have the other elements of an amazing friendship. Because if we did, I’d never give up.

    5. Don’t give up.

    If you’ve chosen your friend wisely and you both put in the effort to listen without fixing, have been vulnerable, and have also been accountable, then you assuredly have an awesome friendship. Yet, this doesn’t mean there aren’t fights or disappointments.

    One of the most important friends in my life is a woman I met when I first moved to Brazil. She is loving and funny and equally critical and sarcastic. I’ve felt hurt by her at times, but we always talk it out, no matter how awkward—because we have an amazing friendship with all the elements on this list.

    If there is a moment that you feel betrayed, hurt, or disconnected—don’t give up. Feel your pain, share it, and work through the discomfort. It is easier to walk away in the short term, but the creation and maintenance of amazing friendships has invaluable benefit for the rest of your life.

    —

    Friendships are one of the greatest investments we can make for our long-term happiness and are often totally overlooked.

    If, like me, you have felt despondent about your ability to be a friend or questioned if it even matters, I have good news. I’m proof that anyone can learn to be an amazing friend and that they really are worthwhile.

    Friends image via Shutterstock

  • Happiness Is a Way of Travel

    Happiness Is a Way of Travel

    Happiness Is a Way of Travel

  • How to Reclaim Your Energy So You Can Follow Your Dreams

    How to Reclaim Your Energy So You Can Follow Your Dreams

    “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” ~Dan Millman

    I don’t care who you are or where you live, we all have one thing in common: We like to dream—to close our eyes and imagine that we’re living the life we were meant to lead. It’s a desire that’s imbedded in our DNA. To want more. Achieve more. Become more.

    It’s why we start new businesses, write novels, learn to play the guitar, get our MBA, change careers, learn to cook, sew, or speak Swahili.

    We’re all chasing a dream, everyday life dreams as well. Like simple happiness, good health, or financial independence; finding a place to call home, someone to love, or a path to inner peace. Perhaps it’s just a life with less pain, heartache, or loneliness.

    Dreams are not only what make the world a better place, but you and I better human beings. We need to chase our dreams every chance we get. Fortunately, most of us do, and with all our hearts.

    Unfortunately, many of us give up on those dreams almost before we even start, stuffing them in the back of our sock drawer until we forget they were ever there.

    It’s easy to make excuses for our failed dreams, too. We don’t know where to begin, or we have no time, money, skills, or commitment. But the real enemy is deeper and more insidious.

    We’re plain worn out. We have no energy to chase our dreams.

    There’s always somewhere to go and something to do. Late meetings at work, carpool to drive, lunches to be made, trash to be taken out, homework to finish.

    We catch a cold. Lose our job. Start a relationship. End a relationship. Birthdays. Holidays. Trips to the dentist. The list is endless and exhausting. It’s no wonder we have nothing left in the tank for a better life. It’s all we can do to maintain the life we have.

    Money is not the great currency of our time. Energy is. Physical energy to get out of bed and positive energy to do something better with our lives. All the noblest dreams in the world mean nothing if we don’t have the energy to pursue them.

    Several years ago I was diagnosed with Meniere’s disease, a disorder of the inner ear. Two months later, I was diagnosed with an acoustic neuroma in the other ear, a benign tumor.

    While neither is fatal, and there are certainly people with far worse conditions than I have, I found myself in the unusual position of being tired all the time.

    I could live with the symptoms. Dizziness. Vertigo. Ringing in the ears. Hearing loss. But being worn out, tired, and deprived of my energy, well, that was the real enemy. I had no desire to chase the things that were once important to me.

    At the same time, I was going through a career change that drained even more energy, coupled with poor eating habits that drained me even more.

    That’s the thing about energy; it can drain out of us in so many different ways. Sure, bad health will do it, but so will a toxic relationship, or not being able to pay your mortgage, or finding out your son is being bullied in school. Worry. Fear. Regret. Anger. They’re all “pin in the balloon” energy busters.

    Fortunately, there’s hope. Lots of hope. We just need to learn how to get our energy back. In fact, the fight to reclaim our energy is one of the most important battles we’ll ever fight. Triumph here and we gain the strength to fight an even greater battle—the fight for our dreams and the life we imagined.

    Of course, reclaiming our energy doesn’t happen by accident, and it’s not always easy. But every day there are golden opportunities for us to get back our energy. Here are some random tips to get started.

    Just point your finger at one and go for it. It doesn’t matter which one. Any one will do. Then try another. And another. Before you know it, you will find yourself with enough energy to reclaim the life you desire.

    Energy Building Tips To Live The Life You Desire

    Stay in the moment.

    Want to see your energy soar? Catch yourself living in the past or the future as often as you can.

    Notice regret as it pops up, or guilt, or longing. Recognize when you start thinking about what might or might not happen tomorrow. Catch all these “past and future” moments, and then bring yourself back to the moment you’re living in. The present moment is the only place where we will find both peace and power.

    Engage in activities that keep you in the moment.

    Deep breathing exercises work, as will meditation, yoga, gardening, reading, swimming, running; a walk in the woods, a bike ride at the beach. Nature helps, so does humor, volunteering, gratitude, compassion, and doing virtually anything that brings you joy.

    Avoid the 24/7 always on lifestyle.

    Turn off lights, music, news, equipment, and most importantly, the mind. And while you’re at it, stay away from conversations with people who only want to talk about how screwed up the world is. The more you obsess about something, the faster you’ll bring more of it into your life. And every time we do, we just suck away our energy.

    Seek friends who uplift and support, make you smile and laugh.

    Avoid friends who infringe on your space, covet your time, suck your energy, and give nothing in return. We all know who they are.

    Avoid excessive food, drink, or anything that consumes more time and energy than it gives back.

    In short, avoid anything that brings you imbalance, fatigue, and illness, no matter how pleasurable or intoxicating it may seem. This means poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, excessive alcohol, caffeine, and sugar.

    Treat your body like a $200,000 Ferrari.

    It’s not enough to just avoid putting negative influences into our body. We need to put the best gasoline into our bodies we can.

    We can start by drinking more water and eating nutrient rich foods that give energy. That means colorful greens, fruits, good proteins, and fats. Experiment with a gluten-free or sugar free diet, or just try eating less packaged and processed food. Keep a journal and take note of how your energy levels rise and fall based on what you put into your body.

    Live your own life.

    Avoid saying, doing, and becoming something only because it’s what others want to see and hear. It takes too much energy to live your life for someone else.

    Live an authentic and conscious life.

    Avoid doing work you don’t want to do, places you don’t want to live, or situations that no longer serve your needs. Being conscious of what you do on a daily basis puts you on a path to finding your purpose in life, which will energize every other part of your life.

    Treat yourself well.

    That could mean anything. Chocolate. Massage. Mornings off. Exercise. Eight hours sleep. Flowers in the house. A glass of wine. A cup of tea. It also means letting go of self-judgment. When talking about yourself (or to yourself), use only positive, energizing, and life-affirming words.

    —

    At the end of the day, all this adds up to a simple two-prong strategy. Avoid the things in life that take our energy away and then find the magic that brings our energy back.

    But it takes conscious effort and a seeker mentality. We have to be vigilant, constantly looking within and without at all times, searching for those bits of insight and habit that will recharge our spirit.

    It’s the only way we’ll ever be strong enough to chase our dreams and live the lives we were meant to live.

    Go ahead and dream, but make your first dream the gift of energy.

    Your future self will thank you for it.

  • How Your Expectations Can Hold You Back and Keep You Unhappy

    How Your Expectations Can Hold You Back and Keep You Unhappy

    Sad Face

    “My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportions to my expectations.” ~Anonymous

    I used to be quite the model student. I thrived at university and seemed to be meeting all the expectations of our milestone-society.

    Having chosen a Business Masters at a well-established university in the Netherlands, I was being schooled for a corporate career in a multinational firm, which I thought was what I wanted for myself.

    I was led to believe that a shiny-bright future was waiting for me as soon as I acquired this magical piece of paper, and who doesn’t want that? I never even gave it a second thought and just pushed myself through my studies as best as I could.

    Sure, being a financially challenged student and having to pay for my own education had its struggles, but it also had its charming moments. Besides, studying came easily to me. The achievement gave me a purpose and a great sense of self-worth.

    I couldn’t wait to graduate and finally start ‘real life.’ I was eager to be able to make good money, and I imagined myself happy, together with my boyfriend, living that grown-up life with all the perks that come with it.

    Little did I know what was waiting for me. There was this something called an economic crisis and, although I’d put my resume online, my phone wasn’t ringing off the hook with companies begging me to work for them. Quite the opposite, actually.

    I was receiving rejection after rejection, unable to get a job that was suitable for my education, and I ended up working at a coffee store for minimum wage.

    I’d get up every morning at 4am to serve cappuccinos to people who were on their way to university or their grown-up jobs. I had to face those strangers covered in milk foam, feeling like I had “underachiever” written on my forehead. I felt like an absolute failure.

    When I got home from work, cranky and sleep-deprived, I searched for jobs I could apply for. I would catch myself, while I was desperately applying for the jobs I’d spent so much time studying for, feeling resentment toward those jobs at the same time.

    They all seemed either boring or extremely stressful, didn’t sit with my moral practices, and, above all, seemed so meaningless to me. I started to realize that getting into this corporate treadmill would set me up for a life that would make me downright unhappy and empty.

    So there I was, finally graduated, my income barely covering my rent, with a big fat student loan debt and absolutely no clue what I actually wanted to do in life. Shortly thereafter, I got physically sick and, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, my relationship ended, leaving me on my own, devastated, clueless, and broke.

    There it was: the ever-widening gap between my expectations and reality. To say that I was dissatisfied would be a massive understatement. It is safe to say that I was having a full-blown mental breakdown.

    My entire self-worth was dependent on achievement and the love of someone else, yet now I had none of that left to cling to. I absolutely loathed myself and felt ashamed of where I was in life, convinced that there had to be something terribly wrong with me.

    So how do you even begin to deal with that? I can tell you what definitely does not help (because I tried them all):

    • Spending your days at home scrolling through Facebook and comparing yourself to everyone who seems to have his or her life together.
    • Watching Netflix while binging on chocolate and pretending that the reality doesn’t exist.
    • Indulging in alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes only to wake up feeling like absolute crap.
    • Spending hours on end dwelling on the situation, overthinking and analyzing it over and over, wondering “Why me?’
    • Being too hard on yourself for not being where you want to be, talking negatively to yourself, and feeling worthless because of it.
    • Throwing yourself in the arms of the next man (or woman) who is clearly not the right partner for you, hoping he (or she) will fix you, or at least ease the pain. This leads down the path of even more drama and very ugly break ups.

    These kinds of activities may lead you to think you are helping yourself, as it does bring momentary relief, but you only end up causing more damage.

    I got stuck in a deep, dark depression and I had no clue how to get out of it. I spent hours lying on the floor crying my eyes out, praying for this to be over.

    I decided that working on myself was the only potential course of action to get out of this mess. I started reading piles of books about personal development, I got back to my yoga practice, and I started to turn inward and practice mindfulness in my daily life.

    I followed a mindfulness course and would sit down for at least thirty minutes in silence every day to practice my mindfulness meditation. It’s what turned my whole world around.

    Not right away, but slowly and steadily, my mindset and perspective began to shift and, with that, my outside world changed too.

    By practicing mindfulness I learned to accept what is instead of resenting and fighting it. I stopped judging both my situation and myself, which helped me to stop beating myself up over not being where I wanted to be.

    It gave me the strength to let go of all my long-held expectations (many of which weren’t mine to begin with) and just be present with whatever there is now.

    Before my mindfulness journey, the idea of accepting and not judging the situation sounded like defeat to me, like being passive . In university I was programmed to compete, to analyze, to strive… everything but accept.

    Though it might seem like the easier way out, fully accepting the present can be quite a challenge. Yet it is the only way to move forward.

    That’s the paradox, which can be sometimes hard to grasp. Only by accepting A are we able to move to B, and only by practicing this day by day did I start to experience and understand that.

    That’s when you start to enjoy the journey and stop wishing you were at your end goal already. It doesn’t suddenly make the gap between what you have and what you want disappear, but it does allow you to regain your happiness.

    It also creates space in your head. Space that’s no longer absorbed by negative emotions and hostile thoughts. When you learn to let go of your expectations, a big open road suddenly unfolds right in front of you. One full of new possibilities, ready and waiting for you to create your own path.

    They say that every difficult experience holds a blessing within, which is so true when I look back at my situation now.

    I can clearly see how this dark period in my life was a necessity for me to grow into the person that I really am. To start living the life I always wanted and pursue happiness instead of social status or material wealth.

    I have now found my sweet spot and live a healthy and happy life driven by passion and love. When you trade expectations for acceptance miracles will truly happen.

    Sad face image via Shutterstock