Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • 5 Myths About Setting Boundaries That Steal Your Joy and Lead to Resentment

    5 Myths About Setting Boundaries That Steal Your Joy and Lead to Resentment

    Meditating in a Bubble

    “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” ~Brené Brown

    Do you find yourself saying yes when you’d rather say no? Are you inexplicably exhausted all the time? Do you often experience anger, bitterness, or resentment toward yourself or others?

    I did too for a long time.

    I’m a recovering people pleaser. For as long as I can remember, I desired to keep everyone around me happy. I was also very fearful of upsetting others.

    Over time, I found myself doing whatever I could to keep others happy. In short, this meant saying yes to just about every request that came my way. No matter the day or time, no matter what I was doing, I found time for others by neglecting my own needs.

    For instance, I often need time alone for personal reflection and meditation. But instead of starting my day with silence, I would begin my days by checking email. This would often cause me to start my day feeling stressed. At the end of each day I was often exhausted and irritable.

    Over time, this path became unsustainable. By not giving myself the care I needed, I was much less effective at caring for others. As my feelings of resentment and bitterness grew, I knew that something had to give. I needed to develop healthy boundaries to protect myself and others.

    Over the years, as I’ve strengthened my own boundaries and helped others do so, I’ve found some common misconceptions about boundaries that keep people from creating and enforcing them.

    If you struggle with boundaries, it’s likely that you’re consciously or unconsciously harboring some of these misconceptions as well:

    1. Boundaries are not needed in intimate relationships.

    Every relationship needs boundaries to be healthy. Setting boundaries is all about establishing ownership over what’s yours versus what belongs to someone else. Boundaries may be physical, emotional, or spiritual. Dr. Henry Cloud, author of Boundaries, defines the concept this way:

    “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”

    No relationship, no matter how familial, is exempt—that includes relationships with spouses, lovers, children, parents, coworkers, extended family, and close friends. This misconception alone is responsible for a high degree of dysfunction in our families and intimate relationships.

    It’s actually rare for people to have boundary problems with total strangers or acquaintances. People often struggle with boundary issues in their most personal relationships.

    It makes sense: those who know us best may use that knowledge to manipulate us. Most of the time, this happens unconsciously but it makes the reality no less painful. However, the solution is not to pretend that nothing’s wrong for the sake of the relationship.

    2. Boundary setting is for selfish people.

    If you’ve had loose boundaries for a long time and attempt to put some in place, it’s almost guaranteed that someone will call you “selfish.”

    For some people, the idea of losing their power over you will cause them to do or say almost anything to keep you under their control. Others are simply unaware of the ways in which they were conditioned to view any form of self-care as selfish.

    If you’re a naturally generous person, you may refrain from creating or enforcing boundaries for fear of being viewed as selfish and cold. However, setting boundaries is one of the most generous things you can do for others.

    Boundary setting is not about being selfish; it’s about protecting the spiritual property rights of yourself and others. Because it’s not just about protecting yourself from others, it’s also about protecting others from your own potential toxic behaviors that may unconsciously occur when your needs are not being met.

    In my case, when I did not give myself the alone time I needed, I often snapped at the people closest to me. This reality finally convinced me to take action by waking up earlier in the morning to spend the first moments of my day in solitude.

    3. Setting boundaries means being aggressive toward others.

    If you’re a sensitive person, this common myth can be an obstacle to setting proper boundaries. Boundary setting does not mean that you need to get in peoples’ faces, have nasty arguments, or display acts of aggression toward others. In fact, aggression is a sign of poor boundaries.

    Setting boundaries is really about modifying your own behavior to conform to the reality that you are limited in what you can do for others. It means recognizing that to effectively bring your authentic self to others, you must care for yourself—not as an afterthought, but in a primary way.

    4. Setting boundaries involves saying no all the time.

    Undoubtedly, learning to say no is a big part of proper boundary setting, but this is not the end all be all. Learning to say no is ultimately about learning to say yes to the things that truly matter in your relationships with yourself and others. In other words, “no’s” pave the way to authentic “yes’s.”

    It’s also important to realize that not all boundaries are created equally. Boundaries have different levels of permeability depending on the nature of the relationship and the individual on the other end of the relationship.

    Boundaries tend to be more permeable when dealing with the people closest to you (quite different from having no boundaries at all) and less so when dealing with strangers. However, if the family member is highly manipulative then the boundary will need to be less permeable.

    5. Nobody will like you if you set boundaries.

    We resist setting boundaries to appear more likeable to others. If you’re a recovering people pleaser like me, you’ll be tempted to answer phone calls, emails, or texts immediately. You’ll quietly bear the lion’s share of the workload at school or in the workplace, and you’re probably wearing many hats as a church or non-profit volunteer. Finally, you can be counted on to take on any other roles that nobody else wants to sign up for.

    If you’ve lived this way for many years, upending the balance can seem daunting. Besides, everyone thinks you’re a saint and you feel highly regarded by your peers.

    This may be true, but it’s also likely that some of these people actually respect you less and view you as a pushover. Some will actively take advantage of your kindness because they know they can always get what they want from you. Are these relationships really worth protecting?

    Free Yourself By Defining Your Boundaries

    Are you ready to be free of resentment and bitterness?

    If you’ve resonated with these misconceptions, you already know that it’s time to try something new.

    Fortunately, there are steps you can take today to begin setting boundaries in your life. These include: clearly defining your values, learning to say no, asking for what you need, and making time for yourself.

    Defining your boundaries will feel cold and hostile in the beginning. But if you do it with a compassionate heart, you’ll regain your joy.

    And you’ll increase the joy of those around you.

    Editor’s Note: Cylon has generously offered to give five readers free access to the Kindle version of his book Self-Love: How to Love Yourself Unconditionally. With this book, you’ll learn how to overcome negative thinking, grow your confidence, and transform your life.

    To enter for a chance to win, leave a comment below. You don’t need to write anything specific—“count me in for the giveaway!” is sufficient. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, September 2nd.

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are: Melody of Life, Regan, Michael Gibson, Mary Banks, and Dylan Montanez.

  • 5 Ways to Find Peace: Life Lessons from an 8th Grade Teacher

    5 Ways to Find Peace: Life Lessons from an 8th Grade Teacher

    Chalkboard meditation drawing

    “Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Good Morning, and welcome to 8th grade History with Mr. Bacchus. The first thing I need everyone to do is to take out your class schedule and make sure that it says Mr. Bacchus for this period. Is there anyone who doesn’t have my name on their schedule?

    No? We sure? Great!!

    Now I need each one of you to take a moment and thank whoever you believe in, the powers that be, or even the magic genie that granted you this wish, because you’re one of the few lucky enough to be in my history class this year.

    Why lucky?

    Because there is going to be a day when you don’t feel like getting out of the bed, but you will remember that you have Mr. Bacchus today and you will be up before the alarm goes off.

    One day, your boyfriend or girlfriend will break up with you in the middle of the hallway, and the news will quickly spread via social networking. But when your friend asks you if you’re okay, you’ll simply smile and say,

    “I have Mr. Bacchus today.”

    I couldn’t make this up if I tried. A student fell in gym class and broke his leg one year. It was an awful injury, and he was seriously hurt but refused to go to the hospital. He said it wasn’t that bad. He had Mr. Bacchus next period.

    This has become my first-day-of-school opening monologue as an 8th grade teacher. It’s a nice way to break the ice. I say these words with a sense of confidence. A sense of purpose and joy comes over me the second I begin this inaugural address to my students.

    And it lasts throughout the school year.

    My class has often felt like a beautiful symphony (and I was the highly acclaimed maestro), but in the midst of my father falling back into addiction and my ex-girlfriend moving across the country with her new fiancé, it seemed as if I couldn’t play chopsticks in my personal life.

    My father has always struggled with addiction, but this was the first time I had to face it as an adult. This time around I knew exactly why he wasn’t answering my calls, why he was asking to borrow money, and why he was nowhere to be found for weeks at a time.

    Likewise, it wasn’t the first time my ex and I had called it quits either. But somehow the news of her impending move across the country with her new boyfriend—two months after our most recent breakup—had a sense of finality to it. The curtain was officially closed once I got word of their engagement.

    So I began going to counseling in hopes of finding my way, and one day my counselor asked me if I could “live like I teach.” Could I take some of the things that allow me to be at peace while teaching and apply them to my life?

    This is what I came up with.

    1. Be yourself.

    As a new teacher, you’re told not to crack a smile and to be extremely strict at the beginning of the school year. This will help you “set the tone” for the school year and show your students who is “the boss.”

    The problem is that I smile all the time!

    So as I tried to fight my smile with the students, they often fought against me. Whether it was Ashley throwing pencils at me or Shailia composing an essay titled “Mr. Bacchus, the Worst Teacher Ever,” my students weren’t responding well to the person I was trying to be.

    Once I finally gave up that lousy advice and started smiling, joking, and being myself from the beginning, my relationships with my students began to improve.

    It was a light bulb moment. Improving my relationship with my students made me realize that I have to be my genuine self in real life too. I can’t be who I think I’m supposed to be—I have to just be me.

    2. Don’t hold too tightly to plans.

    The projector isn’t working.

    The video won’t load!

    The copier is down!!

    FIRE!!!!

    These things can happen at any given moment, and the best laid lesson plans need to be adjusted. I plan every week but know that it’s just a blueprint of how I would like things to go.

    Once you arrive to school and realize the wifi isn’t working, you have two choices: You could continue forward with your lesson hoping the wifi genie magically shows up and the website you were going to use will somehow work, or you can change your plans.

    Learning to be fluid with my plans allows my classroom to flow with a certain ease. If I want that same ease in my personal life, then I have to understand that the Universe has a way of turning our plans upside down too. I need to be able to adapt and adjust just like I do when little Johnny throws up in the middle of the classroom during third period.

    3. Don’t get stuck on the negative.

    I planned what I believed would be an awesome lesson incorporating a Nas rap song into our coverage of Ancient African Empires.

    As I could barely contain my excitement, one of my students couldn’t seem to care less. He made unrelated comments, disturbed others, and left me feeling like the lesson was a complete failure.

    Later that afternoon, a group of students were leaving the school singing the song I used in the lesson. I inquired about the song choice, and they said how much they enjoyed it and thought it was cool how I tied it in.

    Here I was basing my perspective on one person while ignoring the reactions of the other thirty students in my classroom. How often in life do we only focus on the negative aspect and fail to notice the good all around us?

    We can always find the bad in our life experiences, or we can choose to find the good. I try and find the good every day. The entries in my daily gratitude log help me to focus on the daily good, like the students that remembered the song, not the one who didn’t.

    4. Each day is new.

    My first two years of teaching inundated my life with stories about something one of my students did, said, etc. I couldn’t wait to run and tell family and friends about my adventures as a teacher.

    As time passed, those stories became less and less unique, and I found myself looking at the days and the students as the same old blur. I had seen it all. The students, lessons, and days were starting to become a haze of gray.

    My friends and family would ask for new stories, and I had nothing. “It’s going” became my simple response to the question “How is teaching?”

    The reality is that each year I get different students, who will do different things, during each day of the year, every period of the day.

    I have to be aware of how much beauty and joy lies in that variety and appreciate the newness of it all, or else I will become like so many teachers who have lost their excitement for what they do.

    I try my best to see the newness of each student and each class every day because I don’t want to lose my passion for teaching.

    I also don’t want to lose my passion for life. I’m now starting to see that I have to find the newness of each moment in each day so that “it’s going” doesn’t become my answer to “How’s life?”

    5. It’s okay to laugh.

    Theodore Roosevelt set up the National Park System so that he could conserve the National Booty of America. Yeah, you read that right. I said National Booty instead of National Beauty. The kids laughed hysterically and I cracked up laughing too.

    The truth is, school is funny.

    There are too many moments that deserve a good laugh during the course of a school day. I can deny it or I can let out one of the few things guaranteed to increase my mood. I have chosen to increase my health and vitality by laughing in school.

    And also in life. Because just like the classroom, there are so many funny things to laugh at in this world! To deny laughter would be to deny one of the basic parts of pleasures in life.

    Three years ago I was blessed to receive the “Teacher as a Hero” award from the National Liberty Museum. I would have never thought the things that made me a “Teacher as a Hero” award winner would also help me to emerge from one of the toughest times in my life a better person.

    All I had to do was start living like I teach.

  • Post-Traumatic Growth: How Pain Can Lead to Gain

    Post-Traumatic Growth: How Pain Can Lead to Gain

    Butterfly hands

    “When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow.” ~Shauna Niequist

    It’s been over five years since the unexpected death of my oldest son. The first couple years were fraught with depression, despair, and a sense of hopelessness like I had never felt before. I even kept a notebook in my purse outlining the plan for how I would ultimately end my life.

    It wasn’t until this past year that I told my friends about how close I had been to the edge. After outing myself, I found out they knew way more than I gave them credit for in that first year, and were often on suicide watch (despite the fact that I thought I was being so coy).

    Recently I was talking to a friend about my “list.” It included the things I wanted to have done before I ended my own life (I’m a bit of a planner). Some items were practical things, like “clean the house” and “have the laundry done,” but it also included emotional things, like “write letters to my family” and “distribute special personal items.”

    My friend roared in laughter (not the response I expected) and said, “I’m so glad Brandon (my son who died) kept having you add stuff to your list—you’ll never have all your laundry done!”

    I had to agree, there was no doubt that my angel son, Brandon, had been scheming, along with my other friends, to keep my head above water until I could learn to swim on my own.

    As horrible as those early months and years were, they also led me to deeper spiritual and emotional growth than I’ve ever experienced in my life.

    For me, the loss of my son led me to find my secret super soul powers. For you, it might be a divorce or diagnosis that shook your world to the core and forced you onto the path of what professionals call “post-traumatic growth.” Yes, post-traumatic growth is a real thing!

    Learning about this powerful shift that happens when we’re open to seeing the growth behind tragedy allows us to use these events to evolve into a better, more soul-filled version of ourselves.

    Post-traumatic growth has an organic, innate quality about it, but we have to know to look for it or we might miss it.

    What is Post Traumatic Growth?

    Psychologists Richard G. Tedeschi and Lawrence G. Calhoun originally researched post-traumatic growth (PTG) in the mid 1990’s at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. The researchers found that 90% of individuals who experience a traumatic event exhibit as least one factor identified as PTG.

    The five cornerstones of PTG include:

    • A desire to be open to new opportunities that weren’t present or didn’t seem like possibilities before
    • An increased sense of connection to others, typically exhibited by being more compassionate or empathetic to other’s suffering.
    • A greater sense of self-reliance or sense that if you lived through that, you can take on anything
    • An increase in gratitude for life in general and an appreciation for things that might have been taken for granted before
    • A deepening of a spiritual connection or purpose, and this could include changing or realigning beliefs

    Examples of PTG

    You may not feel like you’ve changed in all these areas. It’s common to experience your PTG in one or two of them.

    For example, I have a friend who became one of the first women to run the length of the Colorado Trail (486 miles), in order to raise awareness for Parkinson’s disease, after her sister was diagnosed with the disease.

    This is an example of seeing new opportunities and developing an increased gratitude for life. Although I would guess there was also a connection to spirit during those long days on the trail!

    When I speak on this topic I often share the famous icons of PTG—superheroes like Batman and Spiderman, who both were moved to act on their PTG after the loss of a loved one. (Okay, Spiderman had the added benefit of superpowers, but still!)

    Or we could talk about the woman, Candy Lightner, who started Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). The death of her child propelled her to create a drunk driving movement that we’ve all heard of.

    One of my most healing shifts came when I began to feel deep compassion for others who were suffering, and also tapped into gratitude for the beautiful life I still had to live and for the blessings that occur daily when I tuned in to them.

    I have also felt a shift on focusing on what is really important in life and being able to let go of thoughts that no longer serve me.

    Two of my other sons, Brandon’s younger brothers, recently took a year and travelled to Australia. They have both said to me they realize there are no promises in life and want to experience all they can.

    How Can You Tap into PTG for Personal Gain?

    The simplest place to start is checking in with yourself to see if you are stuck asking yourself why something happened to you. If you continue to struggle with a question that, even if it were answered, would not change your current situation, then you start with shifting from the “why me” to the “how.” How can you make something good come of this?

    The next step is starting to practice. All the good stuff we need is labeled practice, not perfect—a meditation practice, yoga practice, gratitude practice. It’s no accident that what we need most we are told to practice, not perfect.

    PTG is the blooming lotus flower in the mud. When we can begin practicing looking for the potential instead of being focused on the mud, our minds begin to shift. Our brains are wired to tune in to what we’re looking for. If we’re looking for the bad stuff, the bad stuff is what we see, and vice versa.

    Remember PTG has an organic element to it, so to help you begin to practice PTG in your own life, start with the most natural shifts. When you consider the five areas above, which one to you feel most drawn to? Perhaps there is one that comes more natural to you.

    For example, have you always felt a connection to spirit? If so, lean into your growth by finding ways to explore your relationship to a higher power.

    Is a part of you that has wanted to take a trip somewhere, but it always felt out of reach or not possible? Why not explore how to make it happen this year? Life is precious; find a way to act.

    I would also encourage you to begin noticing how others you know have shown PTG. Think of friends or other people who handled a crisis in a way that makes you take notice. What action did they take or how did they change themselves?

    PTG has the capacity to take us beyond simply adapting to our current situation. It takes us to new levels of consciousness and being that weren’t available had we not experienced our life event or trauma.

    Think of this as not just making lemonade from your lemons, but having what you need to create a decadent, gourmet, and sweetly delicious lemon chiffon cheesecake with a raspberry swirl topping!

  • How to Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Speak to You

    How to Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Speak to You

    “If you are brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.” ~Paul Coehlo

    Why won’t they call? Can’t they just have the conversation? What’s wrong with them? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Did I mean nothing?

    Have you asked yourself these questions at the end of a relationship? I know I have. Actually, I was asking myself these very questions about six months ago. What do you do at the end of a relationship when it doesn’t really feel over or you aren’t ready for it to be done?

    First there is the breakup. It doesn’t really matter who ended it, but it ended. Despite the ending, you are still bonded to this person. You were used to having them around, hearing their voice, getting their texts, cuddling on the couch. Then, suddenly, it’s all gone.

    Sometimes you know why it ended, and sometimes not. Often, you wish you could talk to that person to obtain some closure and some sort of validation that the relationship truly existed and that you meant something…anything.

    Why They Avoid You

    If you have a habit of picking emotionally challenged partners (me—raising hand), who would rather stare at Facebook or play video games than have an actual conversation, then the chances of getting closure are quite slim. Sometimes you have to make closure for yourself.

    What if they won’t talk to you? What if you follow all the experts’ advice on what to do after a breakup, and they completely ignore you anyway? I’ve had this happen.

    Closure is something everyone would like. We would like validation and understanding.

    We can accept that someone doesn’t want to be with us. We can accept that the relationship has changed or that they want something else. What we can’t accept is our partner’s inability to communicate that fact effectively and tell us what went wrong.

    Unfortunately, sometimes your partner does not have this same need, or they may have the same need but they’re better at hiding it and pretending they don’t. They would rather just push you, and their feelings, away.

    In my experience, people can’t always be honest with you because they can’t be honest with themselves. It isn’t about you. We always want it to be about us and our flaws and failures, but it isn’t.

    Many people don’t know how to deal with the emotions that come with a breakup, so they prefer to avoid their feelings altogether, and this is the most likely reason they won’t talk to you. It has nothing to do with you or the relationship or something you did wrong or that you weren’t enough.

    The First Time

    I’ve dealt with trying to get closure a few times, and it’s awful. No one likes to be ignored, and no one likes to not get answers to their questions. But, what you have to learn is that any answer you get won’t change anything, and it may or may not be the truth anyway.

    It has happened at least twice. One guy I dated off and on for two and a half years.

    I wanted to leave him after a while because he would never fully commit, but for some reason, I couldn’t. So, every month or so, after the first year and a half, I would say, “Is it time to break up yet? I’m not really happy.” Every time he would shake his head and say, “No, no, no.” He looked so forlorn at the idea of me ending it, so I stayed.

    But eventually, the time came. He was moving to another city, and I was planning to come visit his new place once he got all settled in. Then the strangest thing happened. During the moving period he started being super nice to me, abnormally nice, and I knew right then something was up. I knew he was struggling with trying to commit to me.

    Of course he couldn’t, and so he ended things before I could come out for my visit.

    I knew the breakup was coming, so I accepted it and wished him well. Despite the end of the relationship, he had come to be an important part of my life. So I called a few weeks later and said I wanted to be friends and that he meant a lot to me.

    He said he’d call me later in the week. Do you think I ever heard from him again? Of course not.

    I was devastated. I wasn’t really sad about the loss of the relationship (I knew he would never really make me happy), but for the friendship I thought we had. But apparently, we had nothing.

    Like a dummy, I reached out to him again three months later, and he literally said the same thing: “I’ll call you later in the week.” I was trying to get something from him that he could never give me.

    After that call I knew reaching out to him again would be a waste of my time and energy and would only cause me more pain, so I decided I would have to get closure for myself somehow.

    When I look back, I realize I wanted him to validate our relationship. I wanted him to prove he meant what he said. I wanted to know I had meant something to him, anything. The truth is that I will never know, and I’ve had to come to terms with that. I’m not sure I have 100%.

    The only thing I could do was to look at my mistakes and my behavior patterns and work on my side of the street, because I was never going to get answers or closure from him.

    The Second Time

    The second time I had to get closure on my own was with my last boyfriend. I actually ended things, but when I sent him on his way, I left the door open. I asked him to think about some things, and he said, “I guess I have a lot to think about.”

    I figured I’d eventually hear back with a yes or no. I mean, isn’t that the right thing to do? Isn’t that what he implied? I thought so.

    Apparently, I was wrong. Again. He didn’t call.

    A few months later, after doing a lot of soul searching, I called and asked if we could try again. He said no. I accepted his decision. I was sad, but it was time to move on.

    A month later he called and said he was willing to try again. So I tried. He didn’t. We spent a week together, then he left and I never heard from him again. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how he could never say anything. Not even talk to me. Why couldn’t he say, “I really care about you, but I can’t” or something.

    Again, I had to accept that he is who he is, and he isn’t going to change. I knew this when I decided to try again, and looking back I should have known better. He wasn’t ready. He hadn’t changed. I was hoping for something that was what I wanted it to be, not reality.

    I’m still not sure I have 100% closure with him either, but I know that reaching out to him will only hurt me more, and I know that it doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants. I can only control myself and my actions and how I deal with the ending of another relationship that I thought could mean something.

    If people want to be in your life they make an effort. If they don’t, then you are better off without them.

    Try This

    If you are struggling with getting closure with an ex, ask yourself why you want to talk to them. Is it to get them back? Is it to get them to validate the relationship? Is it to try to get some type of reaction, or any type of reaction? Are you pretending that you really need to give back that t-shirt or get back that DVD you let them borrow?

    If you are making up reasons why you need to talk to them, then perhaps you need to get closure from yourself. If they won’t talk to you, reaching out will likely cause you more pain and frustration. So instead, I suggest the following:

    1. Write a letter.

    Write one every day if you need to. Don’t send it; just get the feelings out there.

    2. Write out reasons why they may be avoiding you that have nothing to do with you.

    We all create explanations in our heads as to why our ex won’t talk to us. We imagine they think bad things about us, they don’t want us, that we weren’t enough, or that everything was our fault. Thoughts in your head are just your interpretation of what happened, and they are usually incorrect.

    What if what they are really thinking is this? Do you think they are going to tell you?

    • I’m afraid to be open and be hurt again.
    • I don’t think I can give this person what they need.
    • Being vulnerable is too scary.
    • He/she is too good for me.
    • My abandonment issues have triggered my unconscious need to be alone.

    3. Unless this was your first love, remember that you loved before and you got over it.

    You control whether you move on. And you can decide if you want to wallow in self-pity and misery, or pick yourself up off the floor and be the spectacular, amazing person you are and get out there and show yourself to the world.

    4. Take your feelings and write them on little pieces of paper.

    • “I am hurt.”
    • “I am sad.”
    • “I am devastated.”
    • “I am heartbroken.”
    • “I feel rejected.”

    Get a fireproof bowl and fill it with some sand. Put all the little pieces of paper in the bowl and light them on fire. Watch the words burn and with them, let the feelings go.

    5. Be alone.

    Be still. Cry and be sad over the loss. Accept that what once was, is no longer, and what you thought would be will never be. If it’s meant to be in the future, it will find a way to work itself out. Maybe now is just not the time.

    6. Live in abundance.

    They are not the only person in the world. There are literally millions of single people in the world. If you had love before, you will have it again. Stop thinking that you’ll never find someone else so wonderful. If they were so wonderful they would still be with you. They aren’t. They’re gone.

    Think About It

    What is it you are really hoping to hear? Do you think most people can admit their fears? Of course we all would like our partner to care enough to tell us the truth no matter how much it hurts.

    There are a million reasons that relationships don’t work and tons of reasons why your ex won’t talk to you. Don’t take on their issues and make them your own. Realize that we all have insecurities, and not all of us can understand how they impact us.

    I’m sure you would love for your ex to say, “You are truly amazing and wonderful, but I don’t think we are a match.” The reason most won’t say this is that they don’t want you to come back at them with all sorts of reasons why you are a match, so they’d rather avoid the topic altogether.

    For whatever reason, your ex has chosen to cease all communication with you. The best thing you can do is take it as a sign from the universe that it’s time to move on, and that any person worthy of being your partner would never leave you in the lurch like that.

    Remember this saying, “If not this, something better.” These words sound stupid and irritating when your relationship has just ended, but they are true for a reason.

    We don’t’ always get what we want, but we get what we need. Change is inevitable. Change is good. If it was meant to be, it would have been, and if it is meant to be, it will be.

    Unfortunately, life does not always go along with our pre-conceived notions of how things should be, and people aren’t always what we want and need them to be. Life isn’t always wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow on top.

    Sometimes you get closure and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes the lack of closure is the very lesson that you needed to learn. Maybe you needed to learn to validate yourself and accept yourself.

    Consider seeing this person as a gift sent to you. They were brought to you as a reflection of yourself. Thank them for being a part of your journey and send them on their way in your mind.

    Lastly, if you are waiting for your ex to give you closure, it might be time to dig deep inside and give it to yourself.

  • Why I Won’t Tell You to Stop Caring About What Other People Think

    Why I Won’t Tell You to Stop Caring About What Other People Think

    Two women talking

    “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” ~Mark Twain

    I almost didn’t dye the tips of my hair purple a couple years ago because I was so worried about what other people might think. While changing my hair color was something new for me, basing my decisions on other people’s opinions was not.

    I tend to look to others for clues about how I should think and act. Sometimes this shows up in small things, like opinions about movies, music, or clothes. Even when asking big life questions, however, my first impulse is often to wonder what other people think I should do.

    It’s a natural human tendency to want to gain others’ approval. We’re afraid of being rejected and forced to navigate life’s challenges all on our own. While we may have good reasons for meeting expectations, basing our lives on what other people think has its drawbacks.

    It’s lonely.

    When I change to speak and act the way others think I should, I’m not letting people see the real me. There’s limited benefit to people liking me if the person they like isn’t actually who I am. When someone connects with a pretend version of me, it doesn’t meet my very real need to be known.

    It hinders self-expression.

    When I base my choices on what other people think, the things I choose often don’t accurately reflect my own preferences. I live my life as generically as possible to avoid offending anyone. I miss out on showing others what really matters to me, and the world misses out on what I have to give.

    It filters out valuable information.

    When I give a lot of weight to other people’s opinions, I overlook a very important opinion—mine. There may be a lot of great advice out there, but I’m the only one who can decide what fits best for me. Repeatedly quashing my own opinion reinforces the belief that my thoughts aren’t worth as much as other people’s.

    It limits growth.

    When I look to other people for my answers, I don’t have to do the hard work of wrestling with my own questions. I don’t take responsibility for myself when I can more comfortably blame the person whose opinions I’m following. Instead of stretching myself to become more fully who I am, I keep squeezing myself into someone else’s idea of who I should be.

    Constantly trying to meet other people’s expectations is a painful and dissatisfying way to live.

    To counter this, a common piece of advice is to not give a @#$% what anyone else thinks. I have to admit, after the pressure of trying to please everyone, the idea of disregarding all those outside thoughts sounds like a relief.

    Of course, it’s hard to make such an extreme shift all at once, but I’ve given it a try. I’ve tried showing up to social events without caring about what anyone thought of me, only to feel aloof and arrogant. I’ve tried talking about things that matter to me without caring about what anyone thought of them—but, instead of my vulnerability bringing us closer, I felt myself hardening against the people listening.

    The thing is, not caring about what other people think is not the same as learning to value what I think. I can shut out everyone else’s thoughts and still be telling myself I’m worthless. The drawbacks of not caring about what other people think look awfully familiar.

    It’s lonely.

    When I care too much about what other people think I don’t have sufficient boundaries, but not caring isn’t establishing boundaries. It’s building walls.

    In order to not care, I can’t let anything in. I can’t let anyone’s thoughts get close enough to touch me. Either way—whether my own identity is being overwhelmed or I’ve erected a barrier between us—we are not connecting one human to another.

    When I don’t care what people think, I’m not mindful of how my words and deeds impact them. I act as if I’m superior to others. I may not even notice the hurt or inconvenience I leave in my wake.

    A crucial part of relationships is knowing and being known, hearing and being heard. Imagining nobody cares what I think feels incredibly lonely. And let’s face it, if I don’t care what someone thinks, why would they want to be my friend?

    It hinders self-expression.

    It might seem like not caring about what other people think would give me complete freedom to be fully myself. This actually hasn’t been the case. Honestly, when I don’t care what other people think, I feel and act like a jerk, and that just isn’t me.

    The truth is, my connections with other people are part of who I am. Making a difference in other people’s lives is a key ingredient to the things that matter most to me. It would feel less risky to give of myself if I didn’t care about the response, but that same lack of engagement would make my actions less satisfying.

    It filters out valuable information.

    Not caring about what other people think does make space for me to start paying more attention to what I think, but it comes at the cost of other valuable information. I lose out on what I can learn from other people’s thoughts.

    Often the hardest to hear thoughts come from the people I care about most. The people who know me best not only have the strongest opinions about what I should do, but also have the clearest insight into who I am.

    Although their thoughts aren’t always helpful, I’m grateful for people who have been willing to share an insight they knew I wouldn’t want to hear. Sometimes I need an outside perspective to help me see where what I’m doing doesn’t line up with who I say I am and where I want to be heading.

    The thing is, not caring about what others think isn’t just about ignoring the hurtful. I miss out on the encouragement, positive feedback, and insightful challenges as well. I can’t just listen when people are telling me what I want to hear.

    It limits growth.

    When I build walls instead of establishing boundaries, I don’t have to get clear on my needs and preferences. I keep everything out instead of exercising discernment around what I’ll allow in and what I won’t. I don’t practice respectfully engaging with other people’s perspectives without sacrificing mine.

    New possibilities grow out of differing opinions. I can learn so much from other people’s perspectives and experiences. They challenge me to examine and refine my own ideas.

    Thankfully, my options aren’t either losing myself in trying to please others or living without any concern for how my words and actions impact those around me. I can care about other people’s thoughts and opinions without letting them define me.

    The answer isn’t choosing between two extremes, but learning to live in the tension between them. I still often overcorrect, skidding back and forth between caring too much and too little. With practice it’ll become easier to find a balance, but I doubt the struggle will go away completely.

    Rather than trying to decide whether or not I care, I’m learning to decide how I want to respond. Asking these simple questions helps bring clarity.

    What is our relationship?

    Of course, I can’t always care what everyone thinks. There are different levels of relationship. Some people just don’t know me or what matters to me well enough to offer relevant opinions.

    On the other hand, there are people who want the best for me. Just because I’m close to someone doesn’t mean I’ll agree with what they think, but I’m willing to spend more energy considering the thoughts of people who have shown they care about me.

    What is the intent?

    While I can’t know for sure someone else’s intentions, I can consider whether they are trying to help me or hurt me. I try to assume the best, but it can be wise to disregard the opinion of someone who is trying to cut me down.

    Even those who are honestly trying to be helpful don’t always have the purest motives. Sometimes they may want me to do what they think will keep me safe or bring me their idea of success. I can appreciate their intentions while still following my own course.

    Is it helpful?

    Other people’s thoughts are data to be considered. Just like my own thoughts, however, some ideas are more helpful than others. I don’t have to view anyone’s thoughts as the truth about who I should be in order to learn from them. There is usually something I can learn—even if it’s just that I can’t make everyone happy.

    What do I think?

    The real question isn’t whether or not I care what other people think, but how much I value what I think. When I value my own thoughts and opinions, I can also care about theirs without letting myself be defined by them.

    There’s a difference between caring about what someone thinks and accepting it as true. I can listen to what others have to say and still make up my own mind.

    Whether I care too much or too little, focusing on my response to another’s thoughts is still choosing to shape my identity in relation to theirs. I’d rather focus on learning to appreciate my own thoughts more fully so I can care about people and what they think without sacrificing who I am.

    Do you tend more toward caring too much or too little about what others think? What do you find most helpful in valuing your own thoughts?

  • Are You Showing Up in the World as Your Best Self?

    Are You Showing Up in the World as Your Best Self?

    Happy handsome man smiling on the beach

    “Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.” ~Robert Kennedy

    Many years ago, I had the opportunity to take a yoga class at San Quentin State Prison in Northern California.

    I had visited the prison before, attending other classes, with inmates, on anger management and a class based on Bryon Katie’s The Work, but this was my first yoga class.

    It was an evening class, which made the prison seem that much more foreboding, and the class was full of lifers. The inmates in that room had committed very serious crimes. Most would never again see outside the prison’s walls.

    A man sat down on the mat next to mine and immediately struck up a conversation.

    He shared with me that the class had changed him in ways he hadn’t anticipated, that the yoga and mindfulness practice was helping him see the oneness in the world, and the invisible connections between all of us.

    He had also begun to realize the damage he had caused by taking a life, not just to himself and the victim, but to his family, his community, and that of the victim’s. The circle of people affected by the violent act and its outcome was ever-widening. He had been in prison for years but had never really considered all of that before starting his yoga practice.

    He said that what he had done was like throwing a pebble in a pond that causes ripples, only, he said, his was like tossing a brick in, and the ripples became destructive, monster-size waves.

    That man will never again see the outside of the prison walls, yet he is taking significant steps to show up a better person and make a difference.

    He is starting with himself.

    When you take steps toward becoming your best self, no matter what you’ve done or how you’ve felt in the past, it is essential to walk your talk, while recognizing that even a tiptoe makes ripples.

    How, you may ask, can you become your most authentic version of yourself? How can you live your values?

    Start to imagine tiny ways that you can make a difference in your community, and then translate those thoughts into actions.

    For example, if you love your neighborhood, support local businesses. If you love the Earth, recycle and compost. When you travel, look into staying at hotels and participating in activities that are both eco and socially aligned. Those are easy choices that help you feel (and be!) aligned with your values.

    Of course there will be days where you trip, and sometimes fall and scrape your knee (or just your ego), but if you do your best, your best keeps getting better!

    Your next step after a fall: Brush yourself off and examine what happened and why, then continue on the path with this new knowledge. Each time, it gets a little easier.

    Every choice we make makes a difference.

    In contrast to the lifer whose body was literally imprisoned, I knew another person whose mind it seemed was figuratively trapped. He once told me that nothing he did had any effect on anyone or anything else in the world. My heart sank—for him, and for all of us.

    The truth is, every tiny thing we do leads somewhere. Social change of any kind starts with the individual, with our thoughts, words, and actions.

    What we do and how we choose to be present in the world impacts not only our own lives, but the entire global community. The interconnections of every living being are infinite and continuously unfolding.

    From inside of the tall, unyielding prison walls, lined with razor wire and lookout posts with armed guards, the lifer I met in that yoga class was choosing to show up, contribute, and make a difference.

    He recognized that while he was only one person and had severe limitations imposed on him, he could still create positive ripples. His actions translated into a better, more mindful life for himself and those with whom he came into contact.

    We Generate Positive Ripples by Living Authentically

    This event took place nearly a decade now, but to this day, his story has stayed with me, continuing to generate positive ripples in my own life. On the person I choose to be. On the way I choose to show up in the world. On the choices I make, the words I speak and the actions I take.

    Over the years, I have learned that it takes so much more oomph to get through the day when I’m not living authentically compared to when I am.

    Inauthentic living is draining and depleting. By showing up as the most genuine version of myself, I have so much more energy, time, and space to do more in the world, creating positive ripples near and far.

    Whenever and wherever we touch the water—we toss a feather, or a pebble or a boulder, negative or positive—the ripples and waves travel as far as the eye can see (and then keep going).

    What’s most important to you? How do you reflect that through your daily thoughts, words, and actions? How do you show up in the world…what ripples are you creating?

    How do you start living authentically and create more positive ripples?

    First, define your core values. How do they show up in your daily life? How are you living them and/or not living them?

    Next, be present where you are. Each step you take on the path will bring your values more into light.

    Lastly, continue on the path, even when you fall.

    It may not happen overnight, but eventually, your values will equal your words and your actions. You will also recognize your missteps much faster as you live more authentically. You’ll then be able to correct them and continue on the path, creating more positive ripples.

  • How to Feel Good In Your Skin: 7 Powerful Lessons on Beauty

    How to Feel Good In Your Skin: 7 Powerful Lessons on Beauty

    You are beautiful 1

    “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” ~Proverb

    I struggled with body image for years while I was living in Europe because I have a very fair complexion, oily skin, and thin hair.

    During my childhood, people would look at me and comment on how pale I looked and ask my mother if I was anemic. Later on, as I was growing up, people who met me would ask if I was ill, or they would say that I look exhausted, tired, and weak.

    It was most difficult during the summers, when there was always a social pressure to get a tan, as I heard a lot of negative comments then. I didn’t perceive myself as beautiful, nor did I think I would ever, until I came to India for the first time.

    In India, bright skin is synonymous with beauty (beautiful means fair!), and everyone complimented me there, telling me how beautiful I am, that I am “bright like the moon.”

    They also admired my silky, smooth hair and oily skin—in India, they call it “glowing skin” and appreciate it because skin can get very dry, with the hot weather.

    Indian women would ask me over and over to share the secret behind my glowing skin, and they wouldn’t believe that it was naturally so oily; they’d think that it must be some cosmetic product from Europe that I didn’t want to tell them about.

    Suddenly I realized why all my Indian friends, who lived in my hometown back in Europe, would not leave the house without the sunscreen, why they’d always tell me that I’d be considered very pretty in India, and why they’d joke that I’d get married quickly there!

    I was shocked when I realized how much money people, both men and women, spend in India for fairness beauty products. Some women even bleach their skin with hydrogen peroxide-based cosmetics. Yet, in Western countries, people spend a ton of money on tanning products and solariums to get darker skin.

    I realized in India how beauty is socially constructed and started feeling beautiful in my own (fair) skin for the first time in my entire life. Or, I should say, I discovered how beautiful I am, with all my Western “imperfections.”

    For last two and a half years, since I’ve been living in India, people who knew me for a long time comment on how I look much more beautiful now and ask me to share my secret.

    I don’t deny that Indian vegetarian food and the abundance of tropical fruits, together with natural beauty products with neem, heena, herbal oils and sandalwood, are part of the equation. But I believe the major reason is that I started feeling beautiful and good in my own skin.

    Here are seven things I learned that can help us all feel better in our skin, with all of our “imperfections.”

    1. Beauty is socially constructed.

    This was one of the biggest aha moments I had in India. While we may not be considered as good looking in our own country, in some other part of the world we may be perceived as a beautiful person.

    In some other part of the world, our height, complexion, hair color, facial features, and body shape—things we might see as “imperfections”—would be considered attractive traits.

    2. Our body is our home in this lifetime.

    We should be deeply grateful every single day that we have a body, which is our home and our vehicle in this lifetime. We can do so many things with our bodies—dance, swim, run, walk, talk, sit, move, hug our beloved, smile, eat, write, type, pick up objects, work, paint, cook, be intimate with our partner, and so much more!

    Instead of focusing on the color or shape of our eyes, which we may not like, we can focus on how fortunate we are that we can see. Instead of focusing on how skinny, thin, short, or fat our legs are, or how much cellulite we have, we can focus on how blessed we are that we can walk, and so on.

    3. True beauty comes from within.

    Although this saying may sound cliché, it’s actually true. No matter how many beautiful facial features a person may have, a sad or angry face is never pretty. No matter how beautiful a person’s appearance may be, if the same person behaves with disrespect to others, or acts rudely and arrogantly, people will not want to spend much time around him or her.

    A smile can bring radiance and beauty to every single face.

    An old wise saying suggests that our external beauty is often what gets people attracted to us, but it is our personality that makes them fall in love with us.

    4. Stop the negative self-talk.

    If we observe the thoughts running through our mind every single day and notice negative self-talk about our body image, we need to consciously stop ourselves and replace those thoughts with positive ones.

    Telling ourselves that we are “fat like a cow,” “ugly as a beast,” or that we look “pale and sick” will do us no good. It will only crush our self-esteem and makes us feel insecure and less worthy.

    We need to observe these kinds of thoughts and decide that we will not continue repeating the same old negative story over and over again; instead, we will embrace and love ourselves, with all of our imperfections.

    It can be hard in the beginning, but the first step to letting go of the negative self-talk is to observe and notice these thoughts coming up. Once we become aware, we can replace them with more positive ones, like, for example, we can focus on what we like about our appearance, or what we like about ourselves that has nothing to do with our appearance.

    5. Self-care is the road to self-love.

    Self-care can help us feel better in our skin and our body immensely. Nourishing our body with nutritious food, good quality cosmetic products, and massages, and practicing some form of physical activity that we enjoy, will not only help us to feel good in our skin, but also to love and respect ourselves more in the long run.

    6. Confidence is more attractive than good looks.

    Imagine that you have a choice to date one of two people: The first is someone who is good looking, but very insecure, who doesn’t feel worthy and needs a ton of validation and compliments, who doesn’t feel confident enough to express their feelings toward you.

    The second is someone who is average looking but communicative, funny, and courageous, who feels secure and good about him/herself and worthy of you, who makes you laugh all the time, and feels confident expressing their feelings toward you.

    Which one would you choose? Very likely the second type of person, right?

    7. There are lots of things we can do to feel better about our appearance, and feel better in our body.

    Although we cannot change our appearance to the extreme, there are so many things that are in our control, that we can do on a daily basis to feel and look better.

    We can wear clothes that resonate with our personality and make us feel more confident, we can do some form of exercise that improves our body tone, practice yoga or Pilates to improve our posture, get manicures, style our hair in a way that we like, nourish our skin, make sure we get enough sleep and drink plenty of water, decide to eat healthier, and so on.

    Though we should do these things for ourselves, if we feel good in our own skin and love ourselves, other people will instantly start perceiving us as more beautiful and loving as well.

  • Why We Shouldn’t Force Advice on People & What Actually Helps

    Why We Shouldn’t Force Advice on People & What Actually Helps

    What helps

    “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” ~Stephen R. Covey

    This is a post about listening.

    I know it’s really unsexy. It’s a topic that’s like the sun; nobody looks directly at it. But you want to create deep and lasting connections with others, and real changes for your loved ones, right?

    Right. Stick with me.

    Think about your typical day. How often do you listen in a conversation with others without being fully present?

    Go on, be honest.

    You find that you float in and out of awareness. Certain aspects grab your attention, and then you key in. Other times you drift off and start mulling on what you’ll be having for lunch in an hours’ time.

    At times you only catch the intonation at the end of the sentence, snap to the present moment, and suddenly panic-notice the other’s face. Okay. Her eyebrows suggest shock, and she’s looking at me expectantly, so this is a good bet: “Oh my! No way did that happen!” and then you shrink back and cross your fingers that it was the right response.

    This is how we are. It’s the easy stuff, but we’re already on the back foot.

    How about when someone you care for is going through something really difficult? As in, the kinds of life-changing dilemmas that keep them up at night—affairs, stormy or failed relationships, career changes, betrayal, death, those inexplicable inner demons that manifest into all their life choices.

    When it comes to these kinds of important and deep-diving discussions, you may listen more intently, but maybe you have already made the decision about which course the conversation will take before it has had a chance to open out in front of you.

    You find yourself formulating the end of the other’s thought before they have even completed it themselves, so halfway through their sentence, your answer is ready to ship: “You don’t want to do that,” you say, perhaps interrupting, “I tried it for months last year. It doesn’t work,” shaking your head in disapproval.

    Or, “What are you waiting for? Call him back! He’s obviously interested!” And so on and so on.

    It’s understandable. We navigate the world based on our learned experiences and personalized schema of how the world works.

    We’ve made it this far; something must be working. So we are attentive for those things that fit in with our views and subconsciously dismissive of those things that do not—and we advise those we care about accordingly.

    We do deeply want our loved ones to feel better, but we also want to justify the validity of our own experiences and our own decisions in life. We end up corralling, convincing with logic, until perhaps, finally, they reluctantly concede and we get that satisfying but short-lived dopamine hit from them: “I see your point.” Glorious!

    Then why is it that we walk away feeling an emptiness in our gut? Did that conversation have any lasting impact at all?

    In doing this, we may have the best intentions to help, but we’ve missed the subtleties.

    We’ve leapt for the obvious answer but failed to notice it was a red herring, a distraction from what is really going on beneath the surface, or really just a mirror of what we had hoped to hear.

    We’ve overlooked the cry for help that lay in the mundanities of speech, in that word that repeats, in that quick diversion from the sore spot, the dismissal of boredom that is actually, in the end, hitting on the truth.

    There is a better way to approach conversations, particularly emotional ones, that is unlike this traditional way of interacting.

    It will test your patience, your listening skills, and your ability to put yourself and your biases aside and care enough to pay real attention. It touches that part of us that understands:

    “I don’t have the answers for you, my love, you’re going to have to venture within and find it yourself.”

    It is a process of questioning called “guided discovery.”

    Guided discovery has no set start, and the end is unclear. There is no direction and no specific outcome sought. It’s a process that allows the answers to lie hidden in the questions, where they can then slowly unfold by virtue of both people being fully present in the conversation.

    Three years ago I entered therapy due to my extreme level of skittishness when it came to romantic relationships. On one hand I craved relationships and intimacy, but on the other hand it would fill me with a disproportionate level of terror.

    I originally hoped my therapist would bestow me with a formula for changing my outlook and behavior and erase all my demons. (Not much to ask!) Instead, she grounded our discussion and connection in guided discovery. Over time I found a means to create my own personalized tools so that I could move forward in my own best and personal way.

    You can engage this process anywhere, at any time, but it’s particularly effective in one-to-one conversations where there is a particular problem at hand, even if the other is unable to articulate or pinpoint their issue.

    A particular tone will exude from a conversation that is grounded in guided discovery. You create it, and you will feel its qualities weave gently through the conversation:

    • A full and loving presence in the conversation
    • A listening ear that has a deep level of empathy
    • The development of a trusting relationship and secure environment, which facilitates personal strength and courage to find a way through the problem

    With this tone held throughout, here’s how the structure of guided discovery works:

    1. Ask questions to bring into awareness information that is known and concrete.

    Start your questions based on factual information, or observed and clarified from facial expressions, the tone of voice, and body tension. For example, “You sound disappointed. Are you disappointed?” This is to ensure you make it known that you are concerned and you care.

    2. Listen.

    Step into their shoes. Listen for reactions. Notice words or phrases that repeat. Seek clarity and unpackage the thought. “I notice you keep saying how ridiculous you are to think this way. I wonder, has something led you to believe this way of thinking is ridiculous?”

    You do not need to lead, but you may need to help the other explore a thought in more depth. Be open to the unexpected, even if you anticipate a specific answer.

    You should be regularly surprised if you are truly being open and allowing the other to explore their own thoughts.

    3. Summarize.

    Sometimes it feels awkward to repeat back what you’ve just heard, but it shows the other that you are deeply hearing and understanding them. It also gives you a chance to make sure you’re both in agreement as to the progress and content of the interaction, and to see the conversation as a whole.

    “You think being in a relationship will make you happier, but you are equally terrified to turn around one day and find yourself trapped in a loveless relationship you cannot escape. Have I heard you correctly?”

    4. Synthesize.

    Finally, you need to synthesize all the information you’ve uncovered into a question or (series of questions) that allows them use the insights they’ve gained to find meaning in the original problem.

    For example, my synthesis in therapy went more or less like this:

    Therapist: “What would you do differently in your relationships if you felt less disappointed in yourself and you believed in the importance of love?”

    Me: I’d probably be more courageous on dates and relationships, and not let the fear of being less than perfect stop me from being who I am.

    Therapist: Are these things you could do now?

    Me: I guess I could, even though it’s quite scary. I worry about being rejected. But yes, I suppose I could do it.

    Therapist: Do you think it might make you feel good, to try to be yourself?

    Me: It would certainly be less stressful and tiring than all this being on edge and running away. I don’t know if it would work, though.

    Therapist: How could you find out?

    Me: I suppose I could try to be fully myself on the next date. It won’t kill me, even though I panic! I might even learn something new, relax, maybe even enjoy myself!

    Not knowing the answer herself, my therapist allowed me to tie my answers and discoveries together in a meaningful way.

    The guided discovery process brought my coping mechanisms into plain view. It also provided me with an opportunity to test my beliefs and use my insights to think creatively about moving beyond my skittish behavior into a place of calm and love.

    Four months ago my partner Mike got down on one knee and proposed to me on Primrose Hill in London, the place of our first date.

    I was scared at first, but then time slowed down. I could feel the qualities of the guided discovery connection I had made, and the deep wounds I had uncovered and began to heal in the process. It gave me the courage I needed in the moment to say yes and step forward into his arms.

    Slowly but surely, guided discovery enabled me to turn around my whole outlook on romantic love. Because I have experienced the effectiveness of this technique first-hand, I use it with others as much as I can, and there are multiple times in the week where opportunities present themselves.

    Each time, it creates an inner sense of empathy, compassion, patience, and love that exudes not only outward to those I am conversing with, but inward.

    It re-enforces the lessons I’ve learned and helps me appreciate the magnitude of the hurdles I’ve overcome and continue to contend with in life. In this way, guided discovery helps you connect and facilitate change for others, but you might also learn a thing or two about yourself on the journey.

    As much as you wish to compel deep and lasting change upon our loved ones, it cannot be forced. Guided discovery allows the other’s story to be vocalized and heard from all the most important and relevant angles, and provides an opportunity for them to think creatively about different approaches to their problems.

    Through this gentle process, change will then happen in its own time, facilitated through connection, exploration, trust, and openness to the unexpected.

  • Why Insecurity & Approval-Seeking Lead to Unhealthy Relationships

    Why Insecurity & Approval-Seeking Lead to Unhealthy Relationships

    “Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.” ~Robert Holden

    As a child I was carefree and enthusiastic. Aren’t most kids? At some point, though, life began to impact me and to affect how I felt about myself.

    For as long as I can remember, I was a chubby kid. I began using food as a means of coping, and my family didn’t seem to see it as an issue. Coming from an Italian family, food was correlated with love.

    As I moved into my adolescent years, being chubby was no longer “cute,” and other kids picked on me consistently.

    I began to realize the world was not so kind. My peers were mean, and so were some people who should have been mentors. I began to feel isolated and alone.

    I couldn’t understand why people were so cruel, and I began to turn my pain inward. I thought there had to be something wrong with me.

    I began trying to change in an attempt to win people over. I was able to do this easily, largely because I was very giving. Looking back, I realize I was buying friendships. I still know many of those people today, but I’m sad to say they eventually became acquaintances.

    Though I wasn’t attracting bad people, my relationships with them negatively impacted my sense of self because I wasn’t being authentic. I now know that trying to prove our worth to others increases our feelings of isolation and shame, because it reinforces that we aren’t valuable without their approval.

    My dysfunctional relationship with food continued throughout my college years. Eventually, I stopped coping through overeating and began to restrict and over-exercise instead—again, trying to change myself in and attempt to gain acceptance from others.

    Yet I never felt accepted. I continued to attract relationships that were not healthy for me.

    When we feel insecure, we often will attract people who feed into that insecurity.

    In my case, I attracted people who were either emotionally unavailable or critical of me. I would make them a priority, even though I was only their option. Because I had low self-worth, I gravitated toward people who treated me the way I saw myself, and ultimately, felt more alone.

    All my relationships were codependent, and this bred insecurity and pain. If healthy individuals crossed my path, I repelled their love and their support.

    I just wanted to be liked. I just wanted to be loved.

    I married the first person who showed me a taste of what I thought love was, and nine months after we said “I do,” we divorced. I was walking through the script of what I thought was supposed to happen in life, without any connection to whom I was and what I needed.

    Needless to say, divorce was a rough time, but it was also a blessing in disguise. I was forced to get acquainted with myself. I went through terrible financial strain, lost friends, got into some legal trouble, and really just lost myself. But, did I ever have myself? I don’t think I did.

    I never knew what it meant to be a true friend because I wasn’t being a good friend to myself.

    During this time, I became even more scared and lost. I disconnected from people that potentially cared for me, and I couldn’t blame them for ending our friendships.

    Many assumed I was disingenuous because I was constantly shifting who I was around different people. They also assumed I was being selfish and a bad friend when I skipped social gatherings, when in actuality, I only stayed home because I felt anxious, insecure, or depressed.

    Though their rejection hurt, I understand why they didn’t trust me. When we don’t know and trust ourselves, how can we expect others to do so?

    Through years of falling down and getting back up, I learned what it meant to be there for myself. I was looking to others to give me worth, without trusting that I had any.

    One of the hardest things we have to do in life is get to know ourselves and love ourselves through that process.

    Once you learn about yourself, you learn what and whom you need in your life.

    It takes honesty, humility, and accountability to develop a true relationship with yourself. You have to be able to dig deep and recognize your faults. You have to show yourself the loving-kindness you show the people you care about.

    I became very familiar with myself. It took time, and it was painful, but I truly have become my own best friend.

    When we learn about what makes us tick, what motivates us, and what we will and will not tolerate, the right people come into our lives.

    People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. When we love ourselves, we set healthy boundaries with others. We don’t accept, tolerate, or reinforce what is potentially harmful to us.

    So, how do we start loving ourselves? How do we stop trying to change who we are to get other people to like us?

    First, we need to become acquainted with ourselves.

    We need understand our feelings and learn to listen to our intuition.

    We cannot run away from our feelings through self-judgment, numbing, or lashing out. We have to meet our feelings with compassion.

    Moreover, once we hear our intuition, we have to be able to honor that by setting boundaries with others. We cannot be afraid to say no. The best rule of thumb is that saying yes to others should not be saying no to yourself.

    We need to make time for ourselves.

    It’s important to fulfill our own needs. We need to do things that we love and take good care of ourselves. We need to learn to enjoy our own company. We need to learn how to dig deep and be honest with ourselves so that we don’t lose ourselves in relationships with others.

    We have to practice forgiveness.

    We have to learn to forgive ourselves and others. We need to process old wounds and resentments. We have to trust that our mistakes bring lessons, and understand that we are all ever-changing works-in-progress.

    We have to be able to accept where we are right now, while striving for where we may want to be.

    The person at the top of the mountain did not fall there. It’s important to be patient with ourselves through the different chapters of our lives. We cannot compare our beginning to someone else’s middle.

    We have to realize we are beautiful just as we are.

    There is no need for a mask, and no benefit of pretending to be someone you are not. You have nothing to prove to others. Dr. Seuss once said “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

    We have to love the parts of ourselves that brings no applause from others.

    Our beauty lies in our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and insecurities. When we embrace who we are and show up authentically, we open ourselves up to real love, relationships, and happiness.

    —

    I have learned that I am worthy of love and acceptance regardless of my past.

    Once we fully grasp this, we only allow people into our lives who reinforce our worth.

    My circle has changed regularly and has become quite small, but the quality has improved greatly.

    When you love yourself, you won’t allow anyone or anything to get in the way of that love.

  • 7 Clues You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

    7 Clues You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

    Broken heart

    “You don’t let go of an unhealthy relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you finally start caring about you.” ~Charles Orlando

    Most of us have experienced the pain of being in an unhealthy relationship.

    It took me a long time to admit that I was in one. When I finally took off the rose-tinted glasses, I saw my relationship for what it was: an exhausting, lonely experience, with no real long-term benefits, that sucked the life out of me.

    I recognized that the relationship was causing me to feel worse about myself, not better, resulting in low self-esteem and a lack of personal growth. I thought I needed this other person, but I learned that I needed myself much more.

    Why do we stay in unhealthy relationships that have clearly run their course? Well, first, because it’s better the devil we know that the one we don’t, right? As creatures of habit, we find it difficult to break away from familiarity.

    Low self-esteem is another contributing factor. We feel stuck because we’ve conditioned ourselves to believe that we will never love again, or that nobody else will ever want us.

    For so long I made excuses to stay, even though I knew it was over and wrong for me. I convinced myself that the relationship was normal, and that the dysfunction was just part of the journey of love. Eventually, I realized that it shouldn’t be that hard.

    After I stepped away from the emotional chaos, I realized that I wasn’t being true to myself, doing what I enjoyed, or taking care of myself anymore. So I focused on developing and strengthening the relationship I had with myself.

    Whereas before I’d neglected my well-being, I began prioritizing self-care.

    I practiced meditation on a daily basis and used this as a therapeutic tool to calm my anxiety and help me learn to live in the moment.

    I also made a list of a few simple words that represent my core values and boundaries. I then recognized that my relationship was not in alignment with any of those.

    After deep reflection, this list turned into a gratitude journal. I’d write down everything I still had going for me, including my best qualities, to give myself strength when I felt weak and hope when I felt there was none.

    As a result of making these positive choices for myself, my intuition became stronger and I knew it was time to let go and move on. If I’d ignored my intuition and the clues that my relationship was unhealthy, I’m convinced that the situation would have gotten much worse over time.

    Don’t allow your unhealthy relationship to dictate your future like I did. Make a choice that your future self will thank you for.

    Not sure if you’re in an unhealthy relationship? Here are seven clues.

    1. Everything you do seems wrong.

    No matter what you do, it doesn’t feel right, and the blame always falls on you. Your self-esteem has been knocked so low that you’ve started to believe every negative thing your partner says about you. You may also feel like everything you say and do is wrong. It’s always about them and what they want.

    2. You can’t be yourself.

    You find it hard to speak your mind or express your true self around your partner. You have to become someone you’re not in order to be accepted or loved by them, so you forget about who you really are and what makes you happy.

    3. You always feel drained and exhausted.

    You’re always trying, the one who puts in all the effort with no compromise. As a result, you’re left feeling exhausted and burnt out. They drain your energy, which leaves you feeling empty and alone inside.

    4. You avoid the issues.

    You prefer to keep the peace, so you avoid discussing the underlying issues in your relationship. You make excuses for them to protect the relationship. You pretend you’re okay when you’re not, telling yourself it’s normal. You are scared of seeing the relationship for what it really is, because it hurts.

    5. You struggle with trust and dishonesty.

    Your intuition and that little voice in your head always tell you not to trust them, because they’ve let you down and been dishonest before. The relationship is based on secrecy, and there is no open and honest communication going on.

    6. There’s a lack of communication.

    There isn’t enough or any open and honest communication, or perhaps the communication is hostile, leaving you feeling like you are always the one to blame. Perhaps you feel ashamed to communicate how you feel because you are scared of being ignored or rejected.

    7. You feel resentment.

    You are starting to feel angry or negative toward yourself or your relationship because you can’t let go of the past and everything they’ve put you through. It’s gotten to the stage where an apology just isn’t enough. Too much has happened. As a result, intimacy has stopped and you feel uncomfortable getting close to them.

    —

    If any of these things are true for you, know that it’s far better to be alone than in the wrong company.

    Focus on strengthening the relationship you have with yourself by focusing on your good qualities, your strengths, and everything you still have to be thankful for.

    Get to know yourself better by understanding your values and boundaries, and don’t be afraid to walk away from any relationship that is not in alignment with them. Remain true to yourself, and the right relationships will come in time—one that doesn’t hurt.

  • Two Lists You Need to Make If You Want to Be True to Yourself

    Two Lists You Need to Make If You Want to Be True to Yourself

    “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” ~Alexander Hamilton

    For over a decade I worked as a paralegal in the corporate world. I worked hard, and I was a dedicated employee, but I was treated poorly by my superiors.

    After a decade of working in this industry I felt lost, without purpose, and I constantly dreaded the next day when I would return to my job.

    One day, an attorney that I had worked for came into my office and screamed at me, leaving me in tears.

    At that moment I politely shut my office door and cried with my head in my hands. After getting out all my frustrations through tears, I told my office manager I was leaving for the day.

    As I sat down in my car, I wondered how I got to this place, where people could take advantage of me and bring me to tears.

    It was the car ride home that made me realize that I had lost my backbone and a sense of what I stood for. I lacked a foundation of what I valued in my life. Throughout the years of working non-stop and losing sight of my values, I was hereby declared lost.

    After I acknowledged that I had lost my backbone, and essentially a say in my life, I broke down. I lost it. I cried my heart out and mourned for my old self, who knew exactly what she wanted in life.

    So, it was time to change.

    When I arrived home, still shaky, I made myself a cup of tea and sat down at the kitchen table with a pen and notebook in front of me. It was time.

    At first, I wrote all the bad things that were happening in my life. Then I elaborated further and grouped them into categories, such as:

    • Injustice
    • Hate
    • Abuse
    • Unkindness
    • Selfishness
    • Vanity
    • Moral corruptness

    After I got it all out, I felt relieved, but I still felt lost. What I had in front of me was a list of the things I could no longer tolerate or even entertain in my life.

    So I took a step further and wrote down all the things that I want in my life and values I appreciated:

    • Love
    • Truth
    • Beauty
    • Happiness
    • Trust
    • Kindness
    • Compassion
    • Intimacy
    • Altruistic values

    This list was worth to me more than gold. I had compiled a list of things I value, my pillars of truth, and a non-negotiable foundation. To this day, this list holds me accountable for all that I want in life.

    It was then that I took a leap of faith and trusted this list I came up with. I neatly typed it up and proclaimed these were my non-negotiable values. If something, someone, or a place did not align with these values, they had to go.

    That pivotal moment at my kitchen table made me realize that in order to have the life I wanted, a life full of laughter, happiness, and love, I had to rearrange my life to align with all the things I stood for and eliminate all the things I didn’t.

    With that said, I slowly changed my participation at my job. I no longer worked overtime, I avidly communicated when my workload was unreasonable, and so on.

    Unfortunately for my employer, it was time for me to move on and quit. So I did, with my list of what I stand for, and never looked back.

    No matter where you are in life, if you’re happy or unhappy, it is essential to know what you stand for. Without this strong foundation you can be taken advantage of and stray from your personal truths and values.

    How to Get Clear on What You Don’t Stand For

    In order to get crystal clear on the things you don’t stand for in your life, you need to set aside some time for reflection.

    Start by creating a list of at least ten things you won’t stand for. There is no wrong answer here. For example, if you don’t care for dishonesty, write it down. If you will not tolerate hate, write it down.

    Analyze your list of what you do not stand for and identify the core reason why you don’t stand for a particular thing.

    For example, if a friend of yours is always putting you down, why is this something you won’t stand for? Is the root of this disrespect? Could it be because the friendship is no longer reciprocal?

    Another example: I could no longer continue working for my employer because I couldn’t stand for unfulfilling work, with no purpose. I also could not stand for daily disrespect and lack of appreciation.

    How to Identify What You Do Stand For

    After you have come up with the things you won’t stand for, it will be easy to identify the things you do stand for.

    There are many ways you can identify the things you stand for in your life.

    You can start by writing a list of what’s important to you. Think about what makes you truly happy. Think of a time when you felt you were living life to the fullest. What ignites a spark in your soul?

    To take it a step further, you can turn the list of what’s important to you into a list of your core values. For example, if you enjoy visiting a specific park on the weekends, the corresponding core value could be adventure, a healthy lifestyle, or personal freedom.

    Another way to identify the things you stand for is to think of three people you value and write down the qualities you admire in them. This could be a family member, a friend, a role model, or someone you may not even know.

    By listing out qualities you value in others, you can open yourself up to expand upon what you value in your life.

    Maybe a pattern will emerge. Maybe a recurrent value is someone who is kind, courageous, or compassionate. It’s important to be mindful of the qualities you value in others, as you most likely wish to embody that same spirit.

    What to Do with These Two Lists

    Defining what you do and don’t stand for allows you the freedom to live your life according to your personal truths. Whenever a situation arises that you’re not comfortable with, you can call upon you what you stand for to guide you forward.

    But what do you do when the answer isn’t so cut and dry?

    For example, if you declared you do not stand for disrespect in any shape or fashion, but have a family member who is disrespectful, what do you do? Do you kick them out of your life? Do you avoid this person in anyway possible?

    In this case, and when it comes to family, the situation is a difficult one to handle. You could have a constructive conversation with the person to move toward a mutual understanding, or set boundaries to ensure you aren’t accepting the unacceptable.

    What if you value a healthy lifestyle, but the majority of your friends like to eat unhealthy food and drink heavily on the weekend? Do you try to change your friends? Do you stop being friends with them?

    Once again, you can safely keep boundaries in check so that you can act in accordance with what you stand for. For example, you could politely remove yourself when heavy drinking begins or make a different decision than your peers when it comes to how you eat.

    Sometimes it might take a while to honor your values, if, for example, you value meaningful work but have a job that feels soulless and unfulfilling. You likely won’t find something new overnight, but what matters is that you’re aware of what you want and need, and you’re working toward it.

    When you define what you stand for in in life, you can begin living a life with intention and purpose, with your values in mind.

    By becoming crystal clear on all the things you do and don’t stand for, you can begin ushering out all the things that do not serve you. It isn’t always easy, but with a firm foundation of what you stand for, you can move forward in life with values by your side.

  • How to Speak to Someone About an Unspeakable Loss

    How to Speak to Someone About an Unspeakable Loss

    “It’s not about saying the right things. It’s about doing the right things.” ~Unknown

    Years ago, my family and I moved to a bucolic little town in New Zealand, where we were immediately swept up into a group of ex-pats and locals. We felt deeply connected to this community by the time I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in the local hospital.

    When our son was three months old, a doctor heard a heart murmur. Twenty-four hours later, he died.

    In the days and weeks that followed, I wandered in my own fog of grief as I went about the necessary tasks of ordinary life: shopping for food, taking our other kids to school, doing the usual mounds of laundry.

    Meanwhile, my new friends kept their distance. I saw them take great care to avoid me: to cross the street, switch supermarket aisles, literally do an about-face when they saw me coming.

    Invitations stopped coming. The phone went silent. My grief was marked by a deeper isolation than I’d ever known.

    Later, many of these people apologized. They told me they were terribly sad and distressed about what had happened, but hadn’t known what to say. My loss was so enormous that words seemed inadequate, even pitiful.

    They said nothing, out of fear that they would say the wrong thing.

    This sort of experience repeats itself in many different forms: a friend gets dumped by the love of her life, a colleague is given notice at a job he’s held for two decades, or a loved one receives the dreaded news that she has inoperable cancer.

    What can you say?

    While it’s not an easy question to answer, one thing is certain: It’s worse to say nothing than to say the wrong thing. Here are five ways to respond helpfully to people who have suffered an enormous loss.

    1. Manage your own feelings first.

    When we learn that disaster has befallen a loved one, we initially feel shock. Our heart rate increases, our thoughts either speed up or slow down, and we may experience nausea or dizziness.

    The anxiety we feel is real and personal. Our instinct, though, is to ignore it, find ways to numb it or minimize it. That’s a mistake.

    If we address our own anxiety first, we’ll be in a much stronger position to respond well to the person most directly affected. Do the things you know how to do to manage stress. A walk in the woods, some meditation or yoga, or talking to a trusted friend can help.

    Make sure your own body and emotions are regulated before you turn to the person in grief.

    2. Now focus on the other person.

    Remember that the isolation they feel is almost as painful as the shock and the sadness of the loss itself. If you avoid them because you don’t know what to say, this avoidance serves only your needs.

    Our friends and other loved ones need our comfort, support, and involvement during times of sorrow.

    Although there isn’t a right thing to say, there are some things to never say. They include the current favorite, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “I know just how you feel.” How do you know there’s a reason, and what difference would it make to a grieving person, anyway? And you don’t know how they feel—only they do.

    3. Admit that you don’t know what to say.

    That’s a good start. Try something simple that breaks the ice and starts a conversation, or at least sends a message to the other person that they’re not alone.

    “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could say the perfect thing, but I know there’s nothing to fix it. I just wanted you to know I care and am here with you.”

    4. Listen.

    If the person is willing to talk, listen. It’s the single most vital thing you can do.

    Listen to their story without interrupting. Don’t turn the conversation back to you with statements like, “I know what you’re going through—my dog died last year.”

    Don’t tell them what they will, or should, feel. Simply acknowledge their pain and listen to what it’s like for them.

    We all have different styles of managing shock and distress. Some people are angry, while others seem numb. Still others turn to gallows humor. Your job is not to correct them but to give them space to be the way they need to be.

    5. Rather than saying, ”Let me know if I can do anything,” offer to do something practical and specific.

    Taking on an ordinary task is often most helpful. Offer to shop for groceries, run errands, drive the kids somewhere, or to cook a meal or two. Ask if you can call tomorrow, or if they want to be left alone for a few days.

    When Survey Monkey’s CEO Dave Goldberg died suddenly, his wife, Sheryl Sandberg, wrote the following:

    When I am asked, “How are you?” I stop myself from shouting, “My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am?” When I hear “How are you today?” I realize the person knows that the best I can do right now is to get through each day.

    Today, as I recall the loss of my own infant son, I think about the one person who did truly comfort me. She arrived at my house with a bottle of fine brandy and said, “This is everyone’s worst nightmare. I am so, so sorry this has happened.”

    Then we sat on the lawn and she poured me a drink as she listened to every horrible detail.

    As I look back now, I still feel how much her gesture helped me cope through those early days of pain. She didn’t try to fix me or try to make sense of what happened. She didn’t even try to comfort me. The comfort she gave came through her being in it with me.

    You can’t fix what happened, but you can sit with someone, side by side, so they don’t feel quite so alone. That requires only intention, a willingness to feel awkward, and an open, listening heart. It’s the one gift that can make a difference.

  • 10 Powerful Tips for Building a Deep, Lasting Love

    10 Powerful Tips for Building a Deep, Lasting Love

    Couple in a forest

    “We are a work in progress with a lifetime contract.” ~Phyllis Koss

    The priest at our wedding advised us, “It’s not enough to say, ‘I want to marry you’ just today. You’ve got to be able to say that every day.”

    Problems and challenges in life can be like the wind, which blows unpredictably. You can’t control the wind, but you can learn to set your sails and to make repairs.

    We’ve now been married for thirty years. Life, with all its ups and downs, has taught us a few lessons about building a lasting romance.

    Here are ten tips that seem to help. They’re probably relevant whether you’re just starting out or have been together for decades.

    1. Keep developing yourself.

    I used to be keen on improving my partner. Then I decided to try and develop myself. That helped.

    The more I cultivated the skills of living in the present moment and calming myself when distressed, the more our connection flourished. The more reliable and conscientious I grew, the more romantic our connection became.

    Nobody’s perfect, but we can all grow steadily beyond our unhelpful habits. If your partner sees you trying to learn and grow, it encourages them to do the same. It also infuses your relationship with hope, whatever the problems and challenges.

    Seeing yourself as a work in progress makes you more confident about acknowledging mistakes and apologizing. Apologies carry healing power.

    None of us is set in stone. Scientific research shows that what we choose to do regularly can change even our brains. Developing yourself may be one of the best ways of nurturing romance.

    2. Cultivate compassionate love.

    It may be tempting to snap at your partner when you feel annoyed. However, you can communicate your feelings without being rude.

    Compassionate love is the opposite of impatience, rudeness, and anger. You’ll enjoy more intimacy and get more worthwhile stuff done if you recognize that your partner has a mind, desires, and struggles of their own. Even if they can meet a request, they might take longer than you’d like.

    When I’m on the verge of erupting, I like to visualize a bridge over troubled water. That helps me to be more patient.

    Every relationship is like a perpetually young sapling that requires constant protection. Treating your relationship as sacred can boost your motivation to grow in patience and kindness.

    3. Be responsive.

    Being generally supportive is helpful. However, the most powerful form of support is providing what your partner requires in a particular situation.

    For example, when my partner was panicking while racing to meet a deadline for a Master’s thesis, I tried to assemble scattered manuscript pages and was generally helpful and encouraging. Those little, responsive acts brought us closer together.

    It’s an attitude of “What do you need from me in order to flourish?” That nurtures romance.

    Likewise, ask for what you need. That’s better than expressing irritation. Your partner deserves a chance to try, even if they can’t always meet your requests.

    4. Learn to tolerate unpleasant feelings.

    Practice observing your own unpleasant feelings, whenever they occur, without letting them throw you off balance. Try focusing on your breath, instead of your unhelpful thoughts, until you feel calmer.

    Unpleasant feelings are often produced by chemicals, which come and go. If you learn to recognize and tolerate the temporary chemical spurts, you’ll keep your balance better. Once you’re calmer, you can more easily look beyond your immediate, unhelpful thoughts.

    It also helps to remember that our partners aren’t wholly responsible for our unpleasant feelings. It might seem like their actions are the sole cause, but sometimes their actions merely trigger some greater pain from our past.

    Calming yourself when you’re distressed is one of the best gifts you can bring to your romance.

    5. Adjust your expectations.

    I was once approached, out of the blue, with an amazing job offer in another country. However, it was a bad time to uproot the kids. After we discussed the pros and cons, I declined the offer.

    Life can throw up many areas of disagreement: handling finances, philosophy of life, cherished values, major one-off decisions, household chores, leisure, careers, friends, and more. The more flexible each partner can be, the better the chances of agreement.

    Forging a consensus is more helpful than holding grudges. It’s also okay to agree to disagree on less-than-crucial points, if that helps you get on with the rest of life.

    6. Focus on what makes you feel lucky.

    Don’t seize every opportunity to criticize or blame your partner, lest you drive them to extreme defensiveness. Share how a particular intolerable problem makes you feel and what behavior you hope for instead. But ask without becoming too shrill or raising the temperature unnecessarily.

    If you find yourself feeling frequently annoyed by little things, it may be a sign that you need to address underlying issues in your relationship. The sooner you discuss this, the better.

    Treat your partner’s mistakes as you would treat the errors of a good tennis player who’s just played a bad shot. Don’t rush to damn the whole person. Be quick to apologize for your own errors and even quicker to forgive an apologizing partner.

    In our relationship, we now tend to overlook shortcomings that might be apparent to others. We focus more on what makes us feel lucky about having the other. For example, I love how adventurous my partner is, how resilient, encouraging, optimistic, and forgiving. Express appreciation at every opportunity.

    A forgiving and appreciative mindset helps nurture romance.

    7. Look after your health.

    Our minds and bodies are closely intertwined. Our bodies help us express romantic love. You deserve as healthy a version of yourself as possible, as does your partner.

    Eating nourishing meals instead of grazing on sugary or packaged snacks, taking frequent stand-up breaks during prolonged sitting, and exercising regularly can all help transform your health. When you’re good to your body and brain, your well-being becomes a gift to your relationship.

    Of course, age eventually erodes health. Romance can, and often does, survive the challenges of ill health. But a few simple practices can keep you healthier for longer.

    8. Reassure yourself.

    Reassure yourself so that you become more secure in yourself. This helps to foster mutual respect. Reassure yourself with kindness and forgiveness for mistakes.

    Becoming secure in yourself also helps you to see your partner with new eyes, with less critical glasses, as appreciative outsiders might see them. When you learn to soothe yourself, you’ll probably like yourself despite life’s unavoidable ups and downs. Then the electricity of romance will more easily flow between you.

    The kinder and more forgiving you are toward yourself, the more readily love and positivity will overflow into your relationship.

    9. Feed each other intellectually.

    Exchange ideas, discuss and debate interesting things, do an occasional joint project, share stuff that makes you laugh. Give your partner the heartwarming gift of your undivided attention from time to time.

    There are times when we’re talking and gazing attentively into each other’s eyes when I become acutely aware of how lucky I am. It’s like souls touching.

    10. Make time to play together, often.

    Date nights needn’t be major productions. Just a little time together, temporarily shielded from troubles and challenges, can help. We have pleasant, relaxing mealtimes several times a week.

    Here again, the ability to calm yourself is invaluable. Then you can show up as a playful individual, fully present in the moment, eager to express affection and passion.

    When we were newly married students, we used our meager savings for a trip to Brazil. The adventure created priceless memories. We still love to travel together or to go hiking nearby.

    Shared adventures bring surprises and excitement, helping to boost romance. You don’t have to go to Brazil. You can set aside a little time throughout the year to explore nature and activities near you.

    —

    Your relationship might be far from a fairy tale. That’s normal. We’re all just human beings, trying to make life sparkle despite all our flaws and shortcomings.

    Think of your relationship as a boat on the sea of life. Storms will happen; winds will blow where they will. Do your bit to learn and grow, treat yourself with kindness, ask for what you need, be responsive, be playful, forgive, make repairs whenever necessary, and stay hopeful.

    The tips here have helped us nurture a thriving romance, through thick and thin, for thirty years.

    Lasting romance is one of life’s most fulfilling experiences. It’s possible, and it’s totally worth reaching for.

  • 3 Things We Can All Do to Create Stronger, Happier Relationships

    3 Things We Can All Do to Create Stronger, Happier Relationships

    “Love is the absence of judgment.” ~Dalai Lama

    I used to be one of those moms.

    Let me explain.

    I was a single mom for literally my daughter’s entire childhood. That’s okay—I was a control freak, so it really suited me. I got to make all the decisions. Perfect!

    And it was… for me. Not so much for my daughter, but then in those days I was only focused on getting through the day and paying the bills.

    We coped. I made the rules, set the boundaries, and expected her to tow the line.

    Which she mostly did, although sometimes begrudgingly. But then, that’s normal behavior for kids, isn’t it?

    Well, I thought so.

    It’ll come as no great shock, then, I’m sure, when I tell you that she was very eager to escape the clutches of my control-freak-ness and be independent.

    And so post-studies she eagerly shifted into her new role of a young adult seeking employment. This was a milestone. The start of her new career—woohoo!

    The job market was tough, but we remained cautiously optimistic.

    Something would come up. Wouldn’t it? Eventually?

    And then she dyed her hair purple.

    Yup. Purple.

    Being one of “those moms,” my reaction was, with hindsight, completely predictable.

    “HOW WILL YOU FIND A JOB WITH PURPLE HAIR?!” I shrieked, as we moms do.

    She calmly looked me in the eye and said, “This is me expressing who I am, and if any potential employer has a problem with that, then I don’t want to work for them!”

    What could I say. She had a point

    And in fact, she went on to get the very first job that she interviewed for.

    At one of the oldest and most respected academic institutions in our country.

    In one of the most conservative departments.

    After being interviewed by a panel of five academics.

    With her purple hair.

    Now, I’m not too big to admit that I learned a lot from this particular event. Maybe not immediately, but it was one of those times (and there were many) when the parent/child role most definitely reversed.

    And I couldn’t be more grateful.

    Here’s what I learned:

    1. Recognize and identify your filters.

    We view life through the filters we’ve accrued from our life experience. Sadly, this often dulls or taints our experience of life.

    In this case, I saw my daughter as a child, someone incapable of knowing what was best for her. Viewed through this filter, she needed my guidance and opinion, as I believed all children did. After all, as the wise and experienced parent, don’t we always know better?

    Apparently not.

    We see what we want to see, what we’re used to seeing, what we choose to see, not necessarily what is actually in front of us.

    I currently live in a country where there’s a large third world element. And with that comes a lot of roadside hawkers. And I mean a lot!

    Growing up, I was cautioned to avoid them, told they were dangerous, made to look the other way.

    They were pushy, loud, and not to be trusted. So I was told.

    Who was I to argue? Surely my parents knew better.

    And so, for a long time, I avoided them, labeled them as bad, and pretended they weren’t there.

    As I grew older (and wiser), I started to notice them in a different way.

    These people are excited about their wares, enthusiastically trying to entice passers-by, and happy to negotiate very vociferously!

    They are energetic and eager. Friendly and interesting.

    And mostly, they were simply fellow humans trying to make a living.

    A different perspective. A different filter.

    2. Stop judging. Find freedom in being neutral.

    It’s human nature to charge every event in our lives as positive or negative.

    Something is always right or wrong, isn’t it?

    So surely having purple hair when your seeking employment in a tight marketplace is wrong, then. Right?

    Have you ever tried to observe an event as simply neutral? It’s as easy as acknowledging that it simply is what it is—no judgment needed.

    No emotional attachment. No expectation.

    And you get to appreciate the value of the event.

    Being neutral allows you to find how the event can work for you. It allows us to see a bigger perspective. And opportunity.

    I often wonder how different my daughter and my relationship would have been in her younger years if I’d had the awareness then that I have now.

    I remember once in her teenage years when she wanted to share some frustration she felt about a specific teacher with me. I listened with my “mom/adult” filter firmly in place, then decided she was wrong (naturally) and proceeded to deliver my (assumed) much needed opinion on the topic. That’s what she wanted, wasn’t it?

    No, it wasn’t, not at all.

    Not surprisingly, she didn’t share much with me after that.

    She wasn’t looking for judgment. Or my opinion. She was simply looking for someone to hear her.

    If I’d listened with neutrality I could have been that someone.

    3. Get curious about others.

    What’s right for me may be wrong for you. That’s a fact and its part of being human.

    I had a specific idea of what my daughter’s life should be—how it should unfold, where her path should lead—entirely from my perspective.

    I had never really been curious about what she liked, enjoyed, or found interesting.

    Surely if she just followed my lead, life would unfold easily for her. Wouldn’t it?

    She’d shown interest in music, other cultures, and cooking. I noticed, but that’s not the same as being really curious.

    Many moons ago I had a friend who cultivated medical marijuana oil for use with horses.

    I know, I also had wide eyes when she told me, along with a whole lot of judgment. I mean, marijuana is illegal (in our country)! How could she?!

    I somewhat reluctantly listened to her explanation/justification, full of judgment initially.

    And then I noticed how passionately she spoke about her love of horses.

    I noticed her conviction to helping them as naturally as possible.

    Then I thought about the risk she was taking by cultivating this oil. There was no financial gain for her—it was simply an act of love.

    It wasn’t for me to condone or criticize her actions. That’s not my business.

    Yet by being curious, I now understand her actions and see the beauty in her passion and love for her horses, whatever that may lead to.

    Embracing and respecting each other’s choices fosters tolerance and understanding.

    Not only that, but if we really observe those around us with curiosity instead of scorn, we expand our own experience. And isn’t that what life is really about?

    —

    My daughter is now a few years into her career at the same institution.

    And she’s evolved. Her hair is now a medley of colors. (My own rainbow child!)

    And it’s beautiful.

    She’s happy. I’m happy.

    We understand each other. And respect each other. I listen to her with immense curiosity regarding her opinions, even though mine often differ.

    We don’t need to be right. We need to be happy.

    When we drop our resistance, our happiness emerges.

    It’s always there. No exceptions.

  • Why We Need to Stop Judging Our Feelings

    Why We Need to Stop Judging Our Feelings

    Sad woman

    “Your emotions are meant to fluctuate, just like your blood pressure is meant to fluctuate. It’s a system that’s supposed to move back and forth, between happy and unhappy. That’s how the system guides you through the world.” ~Daniel Gilbert

    As a highly sensitive person I experience emotions very deeply, though it’s not usually obvious to others that I’m having such strong internal reactions.

    For those not familiar with this trait, high sensitivity is not a defect or a personality flaw; it simply means that you experience sensory and emotional input more strongly than non-sensitive people.

    Of course, this is not to say that humans are really that bipolar in terms of their emotional and physical experiences; sensitivity is a spectrum, and I’ve found myself leaning to the more sensitive side.

    High sensitivity has wonderful benefits: it facilitates deep insightfulness, fosters a drive for authenticity and creative expression, and enriches the sensory experiences of life. It’s a double-edged sword, however, because just as the positive aspects are magnified, so too are the negative aspects.

    Just like with most aspects of life, this is a delicate balancing act, because it can be difficult not to become overwhelmed by emotion, whether positive or negative.

    Embodying this trait throughout my life has been a challenge: I’m always super aware of my environment (both external and internal), and processing that information on a deep level pretty much all the time.

    This causes me to have a preference for quiet environments (yet I live in New York City!), and also to need lots of alone time to recharge. This is not to say I’m a hermit or that I hate people; quite the contrary: I crave authentic connection and love engaging deeply with others.

    It’s been crucial to learn to accept this trait, to pinpoint my needs without feeling guilty for them, and to have the courage to express those needs to my loved ones.

    One of the most beneficial things I’ve been learning is the importance of non-judgment. For every high there is a low, and the only thing making a low “bad” is that we judge it as so.

    Everyone experiences a full range of emotions, and a highly sensitive person will feel it even more intensely. However, fluctuating emotions are part of life. They’re not something to be avoided at all costs, as I believed I should be able to do in order to achieve an imagined and unattainable level of perfection, which didn’t include messy emotions that only get in the way.

    When I feel “negative” emotions such as anxiety, anger, and sadness, I berate myself for succumbing to such “bad” feelings and feel the need to make them go away as soon as possible. Needless to say, this reaction does little to alleviate the distress caused by these emotions, and usually only exacerbates them.

    What I’ve realized is that it isn’t the emotions themselves causing me to suffer—it’s my judgment of those emotions and my desire to rid myself of them.

    When I am unable to make the feelings go away, it feeds my anxiety and I retreat even deeper into myself instead of allowing the emotional wave to pass and expressing my feelings to others.

    Judgments are thoughts about emotions. Emotions are simply fleeting currents that come and go and provide a compass for us to fully feel and address whatever issues may be under the surface.

    Though thoughts and emotions are related, they’re different things, and we can learn to manage both of those experiences.

    In order to do this, I practice mindfulness exercises in which I simply allow my thoughts to stream and recognize that these thoughts don’t define me unless I give them that power; I’m the one in control of my experiences.

    I also allow myself to fully feel my emotion, without judgment, sometimes naming them as they pop up if that helps.

    Self-understanding and a connection with our intuition are essential for strengthening our emotional intelligence, and this is an instance in which high sensitivity is a major benefit, because it’s highly conducive to deep introspection.

    I continually practice being mindful of my thoughts and how they cause emotions so that I can catch any spirals before they snowball.

    This act alone has had tremendous benefits for my overall well-being, as well as my ability to manage, and most importantly, accept, all the emotions that come with being human.

    A recent experience of unrequited love has demonstrated to me how far I’ve come in terms of riding the emotional waves without added layers of judgment and criticism.

    At my gym, I met a very attractive man with beautiful chin-length blond hair, deep expressive blue eyes, and a sweet disposition.

    I developed a little crush and tried my hardest to be more open, but also to accept that I do get shy and I’m slow to warm up to new people.

    I didn’t judge myself negatively for it, but rather was proud of myself for my efforts to maintain eye contact, smile, and initiate conversation.

    Unfortunately, as I was beginning to think the feeling might be mutual and trying to work up the courage to ask for a date, I saw him with another girl who frequents the same gym. It was obvious they had something going on.

    Although it felt like I had been punched hard in the gut to see them together, in the past a situation like this would have also made me spiral into a deep hole of self-hatred. I would have criticized myself for being too shy, for failing, for missing an opportunity, and for allowing another woman to snatch up my crush.

    These thoughts would then fuel intense regret, anxiety, fear, despair, and anger—which are emotions in response to thoughts, not in response to the actual situation. Then I’d criticize myself for allowing these feelings to get so out of control, and the vicious cycle would progress ad infinitum.

    But that isn’t what happened this time.

    Instead, I allowed myself to completely feel every emotion that came with this experience, not with thoughts about the experience.

    A twinge of sadness, a pang of despair, loneliness, frustration, jealousy, defeat, embarrassment, desire, anxiety, lust, and anger all passed through me in waves every time I saw them together or felt how much I still liked him and wished I could have had a chance with him.

    Without the layer of judgmental thoughts, these feelings became manageable. I’ve also developed a sense of gratitude for all the things I feel, because this is what it means to be human, and vulnerability is a beautiful thing that can connect us directly with our inner selves.

    We hurt because we love, so hurt is a sign that you’ve let love in.

    I’ve used this experience to learn more about myself, and I’m thankful that it can help facilitate my continued emotional intelligence training.

    As I began to praise myself for my efforts rather than only criticizing myself for failing and letting my emotions consume me, I began to cultivate self-love as well. Since love for others stems from love for self, I found that this not only diminished anger toward myself, but naturally flows outward to others.

    Compassion for others begins with compassion for ourselves, and high sensitivity facilitates this process.

    I’ve also learned that how we react to events is far more important than what actually happens to us.

    Unrequited love is usually seen as a negative thing, and it truly does hurt, but it’s also a window to deeper understanding and compassion. For that reason, I’m grateful to have had this experience, even though it’s painful.

    Pain has a purpose. It shines light on the most important issues we must face, as well as our biggest opportunities for growth and learning. True, my crush doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, but I still have a loving family, I still love myself, and I love being alive to have all these experiences.

    When I think about it like this, I’m grateful, and I’ve learned to love myself throughout all the fleeting emotional experiences that ultimately don’t define me anyway.

    We just have to ride the waves and recognize that our thoughts are not always an accurate depiction of reality, our emotions are fleeting, and it’s completely okay to feel the entire spectrum of them.

    We are human, and as the perfectly imperfect beings that we are, feeling the spectrum is what we are here to do.

  • You Are Not Responsible for Anyone Else’s Emotions

    You Are Not Responsible for Anyone Else’s Emotions

    Fix your feelings

    “Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    “I don’t believe you,” I jutted out my chin like a petulant toddler. Collapsing back into the tufted leather loveseat, I conceded, “I want to believe you, but I can’t.”

    My therapist had just explained to me that I am not responsible for regulating other people’s emotions. My mind couldn’t process this truth.

    There were too many decades of owning the moods of those around me.

    In my younger years, if a parent was stressed, I felt it was up to me to calm them down. I prided myself on acting as a mediator between my siblings.

    In high school, I drove my boyfriend crazy trying to cheer him up when he was in pain from frequent sports injuries. Later, I would allow other boyfriends to dictate how I was feeling each day, according to their mood.

    And here my therapist was pointing out that it wasn’t up to me to help other people regulate their emotions. I had been doing it wrong all these years.

    Undoing “Good Daughter” Habits

    If you struggle with this, like me, chances are there was some chaos in your early years. I’m not necessarily talking about major trauma (although that may have occurred), but as a child you found yourself trying to compensate for the emotions of those around you.

    The good news is that you can break free from this habit.

    Trust me. It’s necessary for your mental health and for the well-being of your relationship to let this go.

    As my therapist would say, even within a marriage it’s not my job to regulate the emotions of my spouse. I’m responsible for my own emotions. And it turns out that I’m not very good at helping “fix” my husband when he is stressed.

    Changing the Dynamic

    My first chance to change this pattern came in the form of a Saturday breakfast at a local coffee shop.

    You know that feeling you get when you place your order with a trainee, and you have zero confidence that you are going to get what you ordered? It was one of those situations.

    Thirty minutes later, our order still hadn’t arrived. My husband was getting agitated, and I could feel my blood pressure rising in response. It suddenly occurred to me that this was my big opportunity to approach things differently.

    Step 1: Observe.

    I noticed my husband was grumpy. I watched his scowl and listened to him mutter.

    I noticed my heart race. I noticed that I wanted to say something to make it better.

    I also noticed that I wasn’t upset about our food order. I had my coffee. I was okay to wait.

    It was my husband who was upset, not me.

    Step 2: Own your emotions.

    If I am feeling stressed, I know how to calm myself down: pay attention to my breathing, reframe, and refocus.

    But in this situation, if I were by myself I would have been fine. So there was nothing that I needed to do at that moment to deal with my own emotions.

    I just needed to fight my urge to take on my husband’s frustration.

    Step 3: Give the other person space to regulate themselves.

    “Are you mad?” I timidly asked my husband.

    “Nope,” he said, “just hungry.”

    “Okay. I’m gonna just sip my coffee and read.”

    “Thank you for not trying to fix me. I will be better after I eat,” my husband mumbled as he scrolled on his phone.

    Ouch. I actually got thanked for leaving him alone. Further reinforcement that I would have been making it worse by taking on his frustration.

    Step 4: Relax.

    The world is not going to end if my husband is “hangry.”

    My brain was trying to tell me that I was in danger, but sometimes our brains give us the wrong information.

    My husband is a mild-mannered man. We’ve fought less than five times in fifteen years together—and it was me doing the yelling. I was definitely not in danger.

    I was okay. He was going to be okay.

    I just needed to let go of my fear that something would go horribly wrong if I didn’t intervene.

    And guess what?

    Everything was okay.

    An Exercise in Humility

    It’s hard to let go.

    But the key insight in this process is that, even within a committed relationship, each person is responsible for themselves. We must give each other the opportunity to manage our own emotions.

    If you are with somebody who doesn’t have the skills to regulate themselves, that’s a separate conversation. Do they want to learn those skills? How would they prefer to learn: a therapist, a book, or a trusted coach? Even so, it’s not your job to force them to acquire those skills.

    We can only own our behavior. The world does not rest on our shoulders.

    And the irony is, when we step back and let go of control, the fear starts to go away. We feel freer to relax.

    Practice Makes Perfect

    I encourage you to think of the last time that you tried to compensate for your partner’s frustration or stress. Think about what you could have done differently, now that you are more aware.

    Even if you don’t manage to navigate all four steps smoothly, reflect afterward what went wrong and decide what you will do differently next time.

    You’ve got this.

  • Stop Chasing Happiness: 17 Alternative Ways to Live Your Best Possible Life

    Stop Chasing Happiness: 17 Alternative Ways to Live Your Best Possible Life

    “If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time.” ~Edith Wharton

    I have a question for you.

    What would you be willing to sacrifice to be happy?

    Would you be happy to let go of Netflix? Alcohol? Pizza?

    Would you be willing to take up a monastic life?

    Every single day of the year we’re being sold happiness. It doesn’t matter whether it’s in the form of a pill or a book or a holiday, the underlying idea is the same: What we have to sell you will make you happy.

    The problem with happiness is that no one really knows exactly what it is. It’s intangible, even a little mysterious, yet still we all want to be happy. But trying to be happy is like trying to get to sleep; the harder you try, the less likely it is to happen.

    So four years ago, on New Years Eve, I made the pledge to myself to stop trying to be happy.

    Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t miserable. I was just spending too much time thinking about whether or not I was happy—even though neither I, nor anyone I knew really, could give a clear answer about what this meant.

    So instead of saying to myself, This year I’m going to be happy, I said, This year I’m going to try new things. I’m going to meet new people. I’m going to go to new places. I’m going to push myself out of my comfort zone.

    And if I’m not happy, well, I’m not happy, but at least I’ve had some interesting experiences.

    The result of this was the best (and probably happiest) year of my life, at least up to that point. And I realized something obvious in hindsight, but still profound: Happiness is something that comes a lot more easily when we stop thinking about it.

    It’s more like a place you occupy than an object you obtain. Some days you’ll be there and some days you wont, but the more time you spend thinking about being happy, the less likely you are to spend time being so.

    A large part of what less than happy people have is a problem with their patterns of attention.

    In the same way the attention of an extrovert is naturally directed at social communication, the attention of an entrepreneur seeks out business opportunities, and an artist looks for creative expression, an unhappy person tends to look directly at happiness.

    This post will explore some practices that can help you to stop focusing so hard on the idea of happiness and instead embrace the experiences and thoughts that will actually make you happy.

    1. Take the word “happy” out of your vocabulary.

    We all know words are used to communicate ideas. Unfortunately, sometimes a word can get overused and it becomes confusing, stifling, or even dangerous.

    Here are some other words you should start to use in conversations with yourself and others about how you feel. Don’t be fooled into believing you need to experience all of them; you don’t.

    If you find yourself asking, Am I happy? Replace the question with: Do I have [insert word] in my life?

    • Contentment
    • Enjoyment
    • Laughter
    • Well-being
    • Peace of mind
    • Cheerfulness
    • Playfulness
    • Hopefulness
    • Blessedness

    2. Practice living in the present.

    Letting go of past regrets and future anxieties is not easy, but it’s the fastest way to live a full and enjoyable life. Think about enjoying each moment for its own unique role in the ongoing narrative of your life.

    If you want a short mantra to keep in mind: be here now.

    3. Decide what you really want to do.

    A lot of people that are searching for happiness will end up with “shiny object syndrome.” This is what happens when they bounce from goal to goal because they’re looking for something (or someone) to take away all their suffering.

    Knowing yourself and what you truly want can help you develop purpose and focus—so much so that you don’t even have time to waste pondering happiness. You may even realize that happiness is not what you really want, that you’re willing to put up with being unhappy some of the time if it means you will have a sense of achievement.

    4. Let go of unrealistic expectations about how happy you’re supposed to be.

    For most of human history people lived relatively rough lives. The idea that you’re supposed to be happy all of the time is pretty new.

    Though you should strive to live the fullest life you can, it’s actually more normal and perfectly okay to live an average life interspersed with brief periods of joy.

    5. Take small daily steps.

    If you think you know what you want and you’re determined that it will make you happy, at least decide on small daily steps that you can take to get there.

    Setting unrealistical goals that you never get to finish is far less fulfilling than setting small goals that you can finish and appreciate—and ones that let you know you’re on the right track.

    6. Make serving others a regular habit.

    One key habit of unhappy people that we often don’t talk about is that they are inherently self-centered.

    This doesn’t mean that they are bad people by any means. It just means their minds spend a disproportionate amount of time focused on the self.

    Serving others is one way to break this pattern of attention from “How am I feeling?” to “How are you feeling?” There are a lot of studies that show that giving to others is more rewarding than receiving.

    7. Separate your happiness from your achievements.

    We all need to learn to separate our happiness from our achievements. It’s okay to feel content with our lives simply because we have an inherent sense of self-worth.

    Reaching our goals can obviously bolster this feeling and give us a deep sense of accomplishment, but the absence of achievement should not mean the absence of happiness.

    8. Don’t force yourself to be positive all the time.

    There’s a lot of advice in the self-help community and spiritual circles about being positive. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the best advice. It’s better to be positive when you are actually feeling positive than it is to be positive when you’re feeling negative.

    9. Remove things that prevent happiness.

    This is actually a lot more important than finding things to make you happy.

    Are you in a toxic relationship?

    Do you dislike your job?

    Are you eating a lot of unhealthy food?

    These things all need to go before you start to seek happiness; otherwise, they can hold you back and you may never be satisfied.

    10. Be okay with okay.

    When people ask you, “How’s work? How’s the new city? How’s your relationship going?” Don’t you feel compelled to say “really good!” even when it’s not?

    We’re so conditioned to feel like we need to have the best of everything that “okay” just isn’t good enough for most of us.

    Learning to be okay with okay is a much better strategy toward allowing things to become great than is anxiously wishing that they already were.

    11. Get out of your comfort zone.

    Getting out of your comfort zone is good not only for your sense of self-worth, but it also gives your brain a huge adrenaline dump and a flush of endorphins.

    You’ll know when you’re getting out of your comfort zone when you feel anxious before doing something, but you do it anyway, because you know it is beneficial to you in the long run. Afterward, you’ll often feel a huge relief and sense of self-worth at having done something you were scared to do.

    Depending on your own situation you might find this in traveling to new places, meeting new people, trying new activities (public speaking, scuba diving, bungee jumping etc.) or even just meditating through negative emotions.

    12. Look after your body.

    From muscular tension that can trap emotions to serotonin production and bacterial imbalances in your gut, your body is the number one vehicle that will allow you to experience joy and satisfaction, so treat it with care!

    13. Meditate daily.

    This is a no brainer. I’m sure anyone reading this article is familiar with the physical and psychological health benefits of mindfulness and meditation.

    But there is one I’d like to add:

    Meditation is long, slow, and you often you don’t see the deep benefits for a long time; in fact, when you are starting out, it can often seem like a complete leap of faith. But this is why it’s so important.

    When you sit and stare at a wall or focus on your breath or do anything that (compared to our normal lives) is so bland, it conditions you to not grab on to the colorful, shiny objects that usually point you toward a shallow sense of fulfillment.

    With a longstanding meditation practice that tendency to grasp will usually just fall away naturally. You’ll unknowingly get out of your own way.

    14. Meet new people.

    Meeting new and positive people can give you new vital energy that kickstarts your life and helps you focus on enjoying the present.

    Because we are such social creatures, having likeminded people in our lives can have such a powerful impact on the way our habits and beliefs develop. As the old saying goes, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

    To find people with similar interests and ambitions in your city, there are plenty of sites that can help you connect. You can try MeetUp.com for starters, or just do a simple search in Facebook for groups in your area.

    Likewise, if you are interested in meditation and spirituality, retreats are a great way to know people and connect on a deep level in a short amount of time.

    15. Go out in nature.

    A lot of the time our worries and concerns are largely linked to our environment—both immediately, such as the construction noise outside our bedroom, and peripherally, such as when an advert on T.V. reminds you of a past failure.

    Nature allows you to completely unplug, allowing yourself the space to experience relaxation and acceptance.

    16. Be honest with yourself.

    Discontentment often comes from what psychologists call cognitive dissonance—incongruence between two conflicting ideas or emotions in your mind.

    You can greatly reduce this by just accepting, admitting, and experiencing the emotions that are passing through you.

    If you are angry, be angry; if you are sad, be sad; if you are joyful, be joyful. When we try to actively change or deny present emotions, they become meta-emotions: guilt about sadness, anger about fear, fear about unhappiness. Then they become toxic.

    17. Energize yourself in the morning.

    As much as we like to think we have control and autonomy when it comes to our feelings, the truth is that momentum is a huge factor.

    Morning routines have been a keystone habit of content and successful people throughout history, and for good reason; starting your day with a spiritual practice, a physical practice, and a healthy breakfast may not seem like much, but compounded over years, it can make all the difference in the world to your well-being.

    —

    We can all learn to let go of the neurotic need to chase happiness.

    Doing so will do us a world of good—and who knows, we might even have a pretty good time.

    How have you learned to stop chasing happiness? Let us know in the comments!

  • 5 Breathing Techniques to Melt Your Stress Away

    5 Breathing Techniques to Melt Your Stress Away

    “Feelings come and go like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Breathing techniques are now such an important part of my daily routine. I couldn’t think of starting a day without doing my breathing exercises.

    I usually combine these with my morning meditation, which, through sheer perseverance, I have made into a habit and have been doing for the last few years.

    Almost everywhere you look, you can find stress—at work, at home, on the road. It’s hard to avoid it and even harder to not get sucked in.

    I used to let stress get the better of me on a daily basis through an incredibly stressful and demanding job. That was until I realized the dangerous effects it was having on my body.

    I worked in video production as a producer, where there was a new type of stress every single day.

    There were so many cogs that all had to fall perfectly into place for the production to move ahead, not to mention the number of people who would depend and rely on me. The deadlines were tight, and to make sure that every stage of production was complete, I often had to work long hours.

    This was an incredibly stress-inducing job, and so often I felt myself getting overtired and angry due to the workload.

    Stress can make it near enough impossible to control your emotions. I found the more stressed I became, the more irrational I would become.

    Stress is also strongly linked to diseases, and chronic stress can give these conditions the green light to flood your body. Stress has been linked to cancer, lung disease, fatal accidents, suicide, and cirrhosis of the liver.

    Not to mention that stress can make you gain weight, look older, and ruin your relationships.

    After understanding that I was a very stressed person, often attracting stressful situations into my life, I decided to learn stress-combating techniques.

    The best methods I discovered were various breathing techniques. They’re quick to do and have amazing results.

    Now, if I ever feel myself getting stressed or am about to enter a stressful situation, I simply stop for a moment and use one of my breathing techniques. This instantly calms me down and has an immediate effect on my state of mind, allowing me to think clearly and rationally.

    Breathing is used in meditation as a method to relax the body fully and achieve a clear state of mind. We are extremely lucky that such a powerful tool, like breathing, is something that we can regulate and control ourselves.

    Practicing breathing techniques will not only give you beneficial life tools, but they are also a great starting point for your meditation journey.

    The techniques I have shared are simple and easy to learn. Some will bring calm and inner peace, while others can be used to kick-start your mental awareness and vital energy.

    Abdominal Breathing

    Abdominal breathing slows your entire body down; your heart rate and blood pressure reduce with each controlled deep breath you take.

    Your aim during this technique is to focus on your diaphragm, not your chest, as you breathe.

    To begin, place one hand on the chest and the other on the belly.

    Breathe in through your nose enough for your diaphragm to inflate with enough air to produce a stretch in your lungs. Then exhale slowly.

    Make sure each breath is deep and steady.

    Repeat this technique with seven to ten breaths per minute for ten minutes.

    Alternate Nostril Breathing (aka Nadi Shodhana)

    This technique will unite both sides of your brain while bringing calm and balance.

    To begin, sit in a comfortable meditative pose; this can be on the floor, on a chair, or on a sofa, wherever is most comfortable for you.

    Now, hold your right nostril down with your thumb or one of your fingers on your right hand. Breathe in deeply through your left nostril.

    When you’re at the peak of inhalation, let go of your right nostril and cover the left. Then, exhale through the right nostril. Continue with this technique for as long as needed until you feel calm and focused.

    Because this method connects your brain on a deep level, you shouldn’t practice this technique before going to bed.

    Instead, if you need to prepare for a big presentation or a difficult job interview, or you’re in any kind of nervous situation, take a few minutes practicing alternate nostril breathing to calm yourself. Doing this will help quiet your mind so that you can be the best version of yourself without having to worry about the nerves!

    Not only will you experience calm and balance, but you will also feel focused and super energized.

    Relaxing Breath (aka “4-7-8”)

    This technique is used to completely relax the body and nervous system. It can be used in many different scenarios—when you feel internal tension, when something upsetting happens, or simply to help you relax before sleep.

    Before you begin this technique, ensure you are sitting comfortably with your back as straight as possible.

    Place the tip of your tongue behind your upper front teeth where they meet the gum ridge. You will need to keep your tongue here for the duration of the technique.

    Start by exhaling fully. Usually, because of where your tongue is placed, this would make a natural “whoosh” sound.

    Inhale quietly for a count of four. Once reached, hold your breath here for a count of seven and then exhale fully for a count of eight. This is one full breath. You should aim to do four or five full breaths each time you practice this technique.

    Stillness in Breath

    If you are able to focus on your breath for long periods of time, then this technique is for you.

    This breathing awareness variation doesn’t involve any counting, merely observing.

    To begin, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and begin observing your breathing pattern.

    Once you have settled into the process of observing your natural breathing rhythm, turn your awareness to the point at which the breath switches from inhalation to exhalation. Then observe as it changes from exhalation to inhalation. Notice that there is a gap, or still pause, between the breaths.

    If you find that your mind wanders during this variation, simply keep guiding your attention back to this still pause between each stage of breath. The more you practice this technique, the more it becomes a continuous experience in which you will find peace.

    Stimulating Breath (aka Bellows Breath)

    Bellows Breath is used to invigorate your senses and sharpen your mind. If practiced well, you will raise your vital energy and feel an increased level of alertness.

    To begin, sit comfortably. You don’t need to be in a certain position or sit anywhere in particular for this technique.

    Inhale and exhale rapidly through your nose. Try to keep your mouth shut and as relaxed as possible. Aim to keep your inhales and exhales equal in duration but as reduced as possible.

    For beginners, you should start by practicing this technique for a maximum of fifteen seconds. As you become more comfortable, you can increase this time by five seconds each time you practice until you reach a full minute.

    Like alternate nostril breathing, this technique connects with your mind on a deep level and shouldn’t be used before you go to sleep.

    Next time you feel like you need an energy boost, instead of reaching for caffeine, try this technique and see how invigorated you feel afterwards!

    —

    By practicing breathing meditation for ten to fifteen minutes a day, you will be able to reduce your stress and anxiety levels significantly. You’ll start to experience calmness of the mind, the turbulence of day-to-day worries will simply fall away, and feelings of happiness and fulfillment will rise from within.

  • What to Do When Words Hurt You (Just Like Sticks and Stones)

    What to Do When Words Hurt You (Just Like Sticks and Stones)

    Mean Words

    “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” ~Gandhi

    Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

    Do you remember this saying from childhood? It was one I heard often and wanted to believe. The saying states that physical acts can hurt us, but no one’s words can.

    There’s nothing that seems further from the truth. Words hurt, and they stick with us far beyond the time of their telling.

    It was in elementary school where my hair color was a joke. I was a carrot top, and my peers didn’t look kindly on this rare trait.

    They insulted me with disgust and laughter, and I believed the things they said. I wished that I had hair like the other kids. If I were the same as them, they couldn’t say anything mean about me.

    They also insulted me for being flat chested, stupid, a snob, and more. I let the words stick with me and affect my self-perception.

    Fast forward to adulthood, I’m a quiet introvert enjoying my solitude. I’m not one to put myself forward. I’m not a snob, the complete opposite actually, but I’ve been called it on more than one occasion.

    I learned to walk around feeling that in my solitude I was doing something wrong. I was actually hurt by these people’s words and judgments. The words hurt.

    Or so I thought…

    Here’s how it works: Someone says something to us that isn’t very nice, we hear from a friend that a co-worker has insulted our new hairstyle or personality, or we walk down the street and we see someone pointing at us and whispering.

    Someone has spoken harsh words to us or about us, and even though we don’t want to be, we’re hurt.

    We’ve taken these words and ingested them. They are now harboring somewhere deep within us.

    We feed them with worry and anger. We contemplate the words, trying to dissect their meaning. We absorb their negative energy. Then, to make it even worse, we hold on to them, allowing them to fester for days, weeks, or maybe even years to come.

    Why do we allow these seemingly meaningless words to stick with us?

    We rely heavily on the support and acceptance from the people in our life. We feel the pressure to please those around us and to be accepted. We thrive on others’ attention as a confirmation of our own self-worth.

    What we fail to consider is why someone could be using their words against us.

    More than likely, these people are projecting onto us a negative belief or fear they have about themselves.

    Perhaps they’ve ingested too many negative words directed at them. We need to take this into consideration before we allow others’ words to negatively affect our self-perception.

    In truth, words can’t hurt. They are only words. The words cannot live without us feeding them with our thoughts. Without thoughts put behind them, they mean nothing.

    It has taken me some time to realize this, and the way I did it was by becoming a sieve.

    Let me explain what being a sieve means.

    We hear and see things hundreds of times a day.

    We hear a train whistle. We step on a leaf. We hear the words “thank you.” We watch a cat jump on a fence. Our days are filled with sensory input.

    We take it all in at the moment, then we allow it to pass. We still may hold on to the memory, but this experience hasn’t affected us. We allowed them to pass right through us.

    Then there are things that we don’t allow to pass: the judgmental glare, the insinuation that we ate too much, the lack of appreciation, the insult from a nearby driver.

    These instances stick with us. We didn’t let them pass like we did with the cat jumping over the fence. Instead, we fed these experiences with thought after thought, dissecting and defining. We absorbed it all.

    Why? Why do we hold on to some things and allow others to stay with us?

    We think about and keep alive certain experiences. Some are good, like the passionate kiss we received from a lover or a simple smile from a passing stranger. Keep these ones that feel good. Let them nourish you.

    But when you come across an experience that doesn’t feel good, be a sieve. Let what feels bad go straight through you. Don’t hesitate. Don’t let the thoughts or anger take over.

    Here are the extremely simple yet life-changing steps to letting go.

    1. Recognize the bad feeling that comes from words directed at you. Here you have the choice to feed the experience with thoughts or to just let them go.
    1. If you are willing to let the experience go, imagine yourself as a sieve. Now see the bad words and thoughts pass right through you.

    For example, let’s say a friend tells you that a mutual acquaintance said something negative about you, and you immediately feel hurt and angry.

    You could spend the next ten minutes to a week, or even more, dissecting what was said and keeping it alive. Or, you could consider that it’s not personal—that the other person may have been having a bad day, or projecting their own issues onto you—and then choose to let it pass right through you.

    I don’t know about you, but I think the second option would feel a lot better.

    After some practice, being a sieve will become second nature, and all that negativity you once experienced will disappear and go right through you, floating away to be transmuted into something better.

    Maybe the old adage is valid. Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you—so long as you don’t let them.

    Be a sieve and filter it out.

    *This post is referring to occasional rude, ignorant, or insensitive comments, not ongoing verbal abuse. You can read a little more about verbal abuse, and how to respond to it, here.

  • You Can Have The Love You Deserve If You Just Let Go

    You Can Have The Love You Deserve If You Just Let Go

    “Even if it seems like it’s taking too long for what we want to arrive, it’s better to stay with the ache than abandon the desire.” ~Danielle Laporte

    Last week when I was in the front row of a yoga class, I moved my hips up and back into downward dog, and through my legs saw the top of my ex-boyfriend’s head. I hadn’t seen him in months, and I wasn’t really interested in having small talk with the man who’d crushed my heart.

    He approached me, eyes shining, happy to see me. I, on the other hand, drove home, walked into my apartment, and sat on the bed for a good cry.

    I cried because when I saw him, all of the love came rushing back in and because he didn’t seem to have a clue how much he’d hurt me. So I found myself considering reaching out again.

    Should I write him an email so he knows how much he’s hurt me? Should I get coffee with him and fill him in on everything he seems to not understand?

    My mind was moving into “fix it” mode, my habitual state. It’s a controlling tendency, something that has kept me in back-and-forth relationships for most of my life.

    You see, I have had many opportunities to learn the lesson of letting go throughout my life. People I loved have died, friends have vanished, and men have come and gone. Every single time I have had the opportunity to let go, I have fought it.

    We fight letting go because we’re afraid. We’re afraid of what’s on the other side.

    First we’re afraid of the pain we’re going to have to face when we let go, and then we’re afraid that things won’t be okay. We’ll never find love again. No one will ever be as good. The pain will never stop. we’re unlovable.

    When I was going through the devastating first weeks of my breakup, I kept getting the same message over and over again: You are being cleared out for something amazing to come in. Deep inside me, buried quietly under the overwhelming heartache, was my soul nodding yes.

    I have actively faced my pain over and over again these past few months.

    I know that to heal we have to be with our feelings so we can release them. I cried more than I ever have in my life. I went deeper into my darkness than ever before. I saw the unworthiness I felt and all the fears. I was braver than I’ve ever been.

    Because of that bravery, I’m connected to my soul in a completely new way. Instead of just hearing it, I am fully abiding by it.

    My soul is telling me clearly that it’s time for me to get what I deserve in life, and the only thing that has been holding me back is myself.

    I have been making choices that aren’t serving my highest self. I have dated men who were not capable of holding space for a strong, passionate, big-hearted woman. It has felt easier to fall in love and to keep giving chances than it has been to say no and hold out for a partner who is right for me.

    I desire a relationship with a man who I can deeply connect with. Who gets me. Who can open his heart as big as I can open mine. Who won’t run away because he’s afraid. Who can hold space for me to live in my power just as I will hold space for him.

    I desire an incredible partnership that is mutual and trusting and loving and joyful and honest.

    And I deserve it. I am finally waking up to the fact that I deserve that kind of love.

    I am finally waking up to the fact that if I want to have that kind of love, then I need to do things differently. I have to listen to my soul and choose to give myself what I deserve. I have to allow that man into my life.

    So the aching, it’s worth it. It’s worth it for a little bit longer while the right person finds his way to me. It’s worth it so I can learn more about myself.

    There are times when it’s your turn to take responsibility, to be the one to reach out and make amends. But if you’re on the Can’t Let Go Bandwagon like me, you probably need to delete that email, put the phone down, and bring the focus back to you.

    When we find ourselves reaching out for someone else, it’s usually a sign that we need to pause, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves what it is we deserve. Then we have to let go of the need to ask someone else to give that to us and give it to ourselves instead. That’s self-love. That’s self-respect.

    We stay in unhealthy relationships because we don’t feel like we deserve anything more. We refuse to let go of exes because we don’t trust that someone better suited for us will come along. We reach outside of ourselves to feel better because we’re terrified of facing the pain.

    The truth is that you can actually have what you truly desire. You can have the great love and whatever else your soul is yearning for. It just might show up in a different package than your mind is willing to accept right now.

    When we have deep faith that everything is exactly as it needs to be, that the universe is supporting us, and that good things are coming, then we’re capable of letting go. We trust that it’s all going to work out.

    If you want something greater for your life, pay attention to where you’re reaching outside of yourself. In those moments, choose to pause and breathe. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Feel the pain you’re running from. Cry if you need to.

    Embrace the pain and the fear and the hurt and love yourself through it all. That is your job, no one else’s.

    Do this over and over again until you find yourself more and more free. Trust that everything is exactly as it needs to be. Be patient. Stay with the ache a little bit longer. Something big is coming your way.