Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • How to Recover from Heartbreak and Feel Whole Again

    How to Recover from Heartbreak and Feel Whole Again

    “Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” ~Iain Thomas

    A deep heaviness and uneasiness began to pulsate throughout my body. Warm, salty tears streamed down my face at all hours of the day. It felt like all the best parts of me were gone and would never return.

    Heartache can be one of the hardest things to overcome in life. I never wanted to be one of those girls who let guys determine how they feel. But when my first serious relationship ended when I was twenty-seven, I was beyond devastated.

    It took me years to overcome my breakup with Tom because he was my first real love. I’m slowly starting to view the despair I experienced as a gift because it’s shaped the person I’m becoming. More importantly, it has taught me to never fear or take advantage of love.

    If you’re struggling to overcome heartache, perhaps some of my lessons may be useful to you. Here’s what helped me on my journey to becoming whole again.

    1. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings.  

    Although it may be tempting to numb your feelings, if they aren’t addressed, chances are they will catch up to you.

    My relationship blindsided me when it ended because I didn’t see it coming. I felt like I was going through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Only, strangely enough, it felt almost worse than most deaths I grieved because in this relationship there was never a clear goodbye or any closure.

    It took me years to go through all of these stages. For a good part of it, I was stuck in denial and sadness.

    My breakup with Tom taught me that it’s okay to feel things that are uncomfortable because life isn’t always pleasant. It may be hard, but try to allow yourself to experience whatever feelings come up.

    I had to strip my emotions down to feel totally raw and vulnerable. If I felt sad and allowed myself to cry, my body felt so much better afterward because I was able to release all the stress and tension that I’d held in for so long. When I felt anger rising in the pit of my stomach, I’d go for a run to burn off that steam.

    Whatever it is that you’re feeling, allow it to come and go like waves instead of pretending it doesn’t exist or fighting it.

    2. Cut off contact with your ex so that you are able to heal. 

    One of the reasons it took me so long to get over Tom was because we were still in touch with each other via text. Even though we weren’t dating, deep down I had this romantic notion that we would get back together eventually.

    When I would date other guys, I wasn’t emotionally invested in them because part of me that held onto hope that Tom and I could still save our relationship and bring it back to what it was during the first year we dated. The truth was that over the years we both changed and grew apart instead of growing together.

    Although it was hard to end contact with Tom, I knew that in order to get over him I had to stop relying on him emotionally. This was the scariest part. Tom was part of my life for five years and knew all of me—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was terrified to be alone and have him out of my life.

    I’m not going to lie, I may have texted him more than a few times after promising myself not to contact him. However, eventually, as time passed without contact, I was able to stay strong. I had to stand on my own and face my fears in order to get back to a healthy emotional state.

    It’s different for everybody, but I realized that no matter how much time has passed a part of me will always love my ex. And that’s okay. Because now I’m no longer in love with him, largely because I gave myself the space I needed to finish healing—which means I’ll be able to pursue a relationship with someone else in the future.

    3. Have a good tribe of people to talk to.

    No one is an island. Admitting that you are going through a hard time and finding friends and family who are willing to listen to your struggles can make a world of a difference.

    At the time of my breakup, my best friend was going through something similar. It was helpful to share our experiences with each other since it made us both feel less alone. I was lucky to have my mom to talk to as well. It really was beneficial to get her advice, as she had many years of experience to share.

    If you find yourself talking about your breakup excessively, it may be good to contact a counselor. Since my breakup happened during my last semester of graduate school,  I decided to take advantage of speaking with a counselor, as they were free to students.

    Initially, I had mixed feelings but can say that this assisted me greatly in being able to finish my last semester of school. It also felt good to talk about my feelings to someone who didn’t have a biased view and wouldn’t judge my thoughts.

    4. Don’t compare yourself to others.

    Remember my best friend I told you about who was going through a breakup? She ended up dating someone a month afterward. Eventually, they got married.

    It has taken me about two years to feel ready to date again. Everyone goes through breakups differently, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    There are so many different factors involved in recovering from a painful breakup. Maybe your relationship was over way before it officially ended. Maybe you didn’t get any closure after your breakup, or it was your first love you lost.

    In order to allow myself to heal, I had to stop comparing myself to others. I also decided to get off of social media for a month.

    Yes, I was happy for my friends who were dating, getting married, and having kids. However, being bombarded with joyful couples and babies was just too much. I just knew that it was not the best time for me to be flooded with relationship pictures. It allowed me to spend more time with myself and hit the reset button.

    5. Give yourself the time you need before jumping into a new relationship.

    Initially, I went on a bunch of dates, sometimes two in one day. Yes, it distracted me from what I was feeling, but it wasn’t healthy. Emotionally, it became exhausting.

    It was too early in the game to date, and all I could think about was my ex. Whenever I went on a date, I would start comparing the guy to Tom, and that’s not a good way to jump back on the dating horse.

    Take the time you need to feel whole again before dating. I finally told myself that it’s alright to have high standards about what I’m looking for in a relationship. Most importantly, I learned to enjoy being single.

    6. Take good care of yourself.

    Self-care was never something I was good at. I always cared more about others and never made time for myself. I felt incredibly lost after my breakup because I no longer had Tom to care about.

    Without anyone else to focus on, I started to pay more attention to my own needs and wants. It was also an incentive to treat myself to certain services or activities I normally would not even consider such as getting monthly massages and participating in yoga classes regularly.

    I stopped saying yes to everyone else just to please them and started saying yes to myself. I travelled to Peru, Iceland, and Thailand. I took a new job and finally felt free.

    Go on that vacation you have been waiting for. Take that cooking class you have been putting off. Have a girls’ or guys’ weekend.

    Now is the time to focus on yourself. Enjoy it while you’re single because you never know when you’ll have as much time alone to discover your interests and passions.

    7. Don’t stop appreciating the beauty in all that surrounds you.

    There is joy all around us. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that, especially when you’re going through something tough like a breakup.

    I started to become engaged more in my surroundings, and it has made a big difference.

    I was able to connect to my friends and family on a deeper level and really value these relationships. I started a gratitude journal, which helped me appreciate the little gifts we are given each day. Even something as simple as smiling at others in the street can be a beautiful act and make us feel more connected to those around us.

    — 

    It took me years to pick up all of the broken pieces and rebuild myself. These seven tips helped me heal from an incredibly painful time in my life. Slowly, my heart started to mend and refill with self-love.

    I know I will always love Tom, but now I’m able to continue to go on with my life without feeling trapped or in limbo. Sometimes the past will unexpectedly come up and a flood of sadness will hit me. I allow myself to feel this and then let it go just as fast as it came.

    I’m grateful for the person I have become due to my breakup. It has allowed me to realize how rare and wonderful it is to find love. I’ve also learned to become comfortable in solitude and enjoy time alone.

    It’s been quite a process, but now my heart is open to love again. Even though you may experience a deep pain and feel broken and angry, know what there is still beauty out in this world for us to experience on a daily basis. And know that through this experience you can become a stronger version of yourself.

  • The Danger of Wishful Thinking: Nothing Changes If We Don’t Take Action

    The Danger of Wishful Thinking: Nothing Changes If We Don’t Take Action

    “You just have to determine to settle for nothing less than being fully alive, to show up, be who you are, and share your gifts.” ~Gabrielle Roth

    A few years ago for the winter solstice my women’s group got together, as we do every week, and held a beautiful ritual to welcome both the darkness and the light. We released what we were ready to let go of in our lives and set our intentions for the New Year. We not only spoke our intentions, we danced them for each other. It was beautiful and powerful.

    But a few days later, as I was sitting in meditation with my candle, I heard the voice of my heart tell me, “You aren’t going to make those intentions come true unless you get very specific about how they are going to come about this year. You need to set goals and outline steps and commit to bringing this about in your life. Otherwise, it’s just going to be business as usual.”

    I was shown that I needed to set goals in every area of my life and be very specific about what I desire to create in that area and what it will take to get there. Then I needed to commit to the steps and have a process for tracking them and keeping my goals in my awareness.

    Since then, I have been deeply engaged in a process of visioning my life, creating goals for the year, and dividing those goals into measurable, achievable steps, and then following through. I now do a whole several-day process at the start of every year around this, with check-ins at the start of each month and week. I’ve developed a whole process to keep me moving toward my heart’s desires in a balanced way.

    The process has been amazing and challenging, and quite a learning experience.

    Suddenly I am making things happen in my life that I have wanted for a long time and felt that I either could not make time for or had no control over.

    In the process I have had to get very real about what is important to me, what I truly desire, and to what I am willing to commit myself, my energy, time, and resources. How much do I want it? And what is in the way inside of me? What has been holding me back?

    One of the things I am realizing is that in the past I relied heavily on wishful thinking, waiting for a miracle to take me out of my current predicament and bring me my dreams. I would hope for a miracle while not committing myself to making the things I desire happen.

    I still fall into this, because it’s hard to get crystal clear and then take action. It brings us up against our fears, our false beliefs, our laziness or insecurity or doubt. It would be nice if some giant eagle, like in The Lord of the Rings would just swoop in and save the day, and I wouldn’t have to do anything scary or hard.

    But the bigger problem was I didn’t feel empowered to create the life I desire, to manifest my dreams. I felt helpless and hopeless, like the best I could do was hope and pray, and maybe these things would show up and maybe they wouldn’t. Hence I would vacillate between periods of great optimism and great despair, because I didn’t feel I had any agency in the situation.

    Now I realize this is totally wrong.

    The whole craze around The Secret, the Law of Attraction, and manifesting your life has gone overboard with the sense “I can have anything I want.” There is not enough regard for what is in right alignment for us and others and the planet, what is good for all beings. We also overlook what we might need that we don’t know about yet and might at first reject—how sometimes the difficult or unpleasant situations of our lives are exactly what we need for our highest good.

    On the other hand, the idea that it is all out of my hands, it is all up to fate and there is nothing I can do about it, is no good either. For one thing, this belief overlooks the fact we are creative beings, powerful creators of our lives, whether for good or ill. We are here to co-create, to cooperate with the flow of Life—sometimes called the Tao—around us and within us. As the artists of our lives, we are here to be active participants in dreaming and creating our lives.

    An attitude of surrendering to the flow of life can help us to remember to release the results, the outcome. After you create your vision, this is an important, in fact, crucial step, that is often missed in the whole manifesting craze. But it doesn’t mean you just sit by and do nothing, waiting for your dreams to come true.

    Our heart’s desires can bring us into right relationship with the world, to the livingness in and around us. In fact, I believe a true heart’s desire is meant to do just that. Because it summons us to our greatness, to our fullest, most alive being, to our full participation here.

    In the past I approached manifestation and the Law of Attraction in a disempowered way. I wrote affirmations and did visualizations, hoping for a miracle, for it to be done for me. Affirmations and visualization can help us bring clarity and joy to our desires. That is tremendous and very powerful. I still use them, sometimes with startlingly positive results.

    But there is more required of us. I was forgetting my part in the equation—that I too am part of bringing my dreams to fruition, a big part.

    So here are the basic steps I have discovered to co-create with life:

    1. Define.

    First, you get very clear about what it is that you desire to create in your life. You name it. You visualize it with all of your senses. You feel it in your being. In feeling it, you make sure you really want it, and it isn’t just something you think you should want.

    You get clear and real about the details. You define. If I want to publish my writing in literary magazines, I need to have a clear idea what that means: I’d like to publish in five magazines by the end of this year, for example.

    2. Commit.

    I wasn’t really doing this step before. You change the wishing and wanting to a commitment. “I commit to publishing my writing in five magazines this year.”

    I find in changing my desire to a commitment, feelings and resistance may arise. There may be fear or doubt in my ability. There may be a belief that nothing good ever happens for me, or that magazines are not publishing good work anymore.

    These doubts, fears and beliefs point to work I need to do in myself, to clear out what is in the way inside of me that keeps my desire away from me. This is my job, to feel the feelings and beliefs that hold me back, and work on them, remove the obstacles.

    3. Declare.

    You state your commitment to friends. You make it known. You seek accountability and support. This is another step we love to avoid, because declaring our commitment puts us in the hot seat.

    And you ask for help where you will need it to make this dream a reality. There might be others that can help you with the steps. Don’t try to do it alone. That’s another mistake I often make.

    4. Visit with your dreams daily.

    You re-affirm your dream and your commitment to it daily. Keep it in your consciousness. As you do, create space for silence, so you can hear where you are being led, what steps you need to take.

    As you go about your day, stay open to guidance and opportunities to help you realize your dreams. If you aren’t paying attention to the opportunities, you are going to make it a whole lot more difficult to reach your desire.

    The road to get there may go through some unusual routes that you had not planned or never conceived of. The road may take you to a completely different outcome, like: It turns out I’m not meant to be a writer, I’m meant to be a singer! How wonderful!  

    If you are too fixated on how you think you should get there or even where you should arrive, you may be missing the beautiful openings that Life is granting you.

    5. Act.

    As you visit with your dreams, remember it is up to you to take steps, to act. Miracles and synchronicities often appear on the path of dreams, but first we have to show up by taking action in a repeated, committed way.

    You take actions congruent with your desire. You make your life congruent with what you wish to create.

    If I want to publish in five magazines, I need to write and I need to submit work on a regular basis. I need to make a schedule and have commitments to make this happen, not just vaguely decide I’ll do it “sometime.”

    Otherwise, all the dreaming and wishing and hoping, all the affirmations in the world aren’t going to make this happen for me.

    And I need to take the unexpected openings that arise, as long as they feel right to me, as long as I feel that “yes” inside. So when someone suddenly says to me, “I’m starting a new magazine, and I need material to publish,” I give them something I have written, because I recognize the opportunity Life is handing me.

    6. Surrender.

    This is a very important step many people miss. You hand it over to the flow of Life, trusting that the highest and best for you will be done in this situation, even if it looks nothing like what you asked for. You let it go.

    Even though you continue to conduct your life congruent with your desire—until you receive information/feeling/sensing that it is no longer right for you—and even though you keep your dream alive in your awareness, you still release the results.

    If I keep writing and sending out my work, and it does not get published anywhere this year, I trust in the process, and most of all, I remember to enjoy the process. The process is everything, or nearly everything, because the process is my life happening now.

    So it’s not enough to engage in wishful thinking and magical practices. You have to go out and change your life, take action. Be the creative force in your life. Make your behavior congruent with your desire. Be accountable, be empowered, ask for help, and then release the results.

    No one is going to do it for you if you don’t care enough to make it happen in your life. That was the big surprise I didn’t want to realize. But it has made a world of difference.

  • How to Rebuild a Relationship with Someone Who’s Hurt You

    How to Rebuild a Relationship with Someone Who’s Hurt You

    “Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn’t make you weak; it sets you free.” ~Unknown

    My situation is probably not unlike that a lot of people reading this.

    I grew up in a single-parent home. Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty happy childhood, and my mom did an unbelievable job raising me. She worked four jobs to make sure I always had the best of everything. But I could never shake the feeling that I always wanted a father figure in my life.

    My parents had separated when I was very young. My dad was a marine, my mom was a doctor, and she had realized that she didn’t want to be moving around her whole life. This meant that I only got to see him once or twice a year. And slowly, we became increasingly estranged.

    When I was sixteen, I found out that he was deciding where to buy a new house for a more permanent and stable job post. I started thinking that he would find something nearer to me. He now had more flexibility, and finally, I could see him more often. We could begin to build a real relationship and make up for the years of missed birthdays, graduations, and other memories.

    But then, right when I got my hopes up, he didn’t. He stayed where he was—with his new wife and her kids. Even though it seemed like they didn’t appreciate him, and even though I felt that I needed him more than they did.

    It broke my heart.

    In fact, it’s almost ten years later, and although we’re on better terms now than we’ve ever been, I’m still healing.

    I had to learn to let him go before I could learn to forgive him. And I had to learn to forgive him before I could build a relationship with him. We’re in the process of building that relationship, and we’re better off now than we’ve ever been. But I’m still accepting that I’ll never get the dad that the little girl in me always wanted.

    It’s a tough pill to swallow. Knowing that people that you have the most love for are sometimes going to hurt you. Sometimes even those who are supposed to protect you. It’s one of the most difficult lessons you’ll learn in a lifetime, but it’s a part of being human.

    I hope my experience can help to shed some light on your own relationships with partners, family members, and close friends.

    Here’s how I learned to let go and forgive.

    1. See the human being in the projection.

    A significant part of what we see in other people, particularly those with whom we have an emotional history, can often be a projection of our own unconscious attitudes toward that person, and not a reflection of how they are behaving.

    This is difficult to see in ourselves, and tends to be even more pronounced in people we’ve known for a long time, particularly our parents.

    I learned to forgive my dad by seeing the person in him and not the idea of what I thought a father should be. Doing so wasn’t an easy process, as I had to face shortcomings in both of us. On his side it was constantly making promises he couldn’t keep, out of a fear of losing love and affection from anyone around him. For me, it was the inability to give him a chance to make things right, and see him in a new light, even when it was the most appropriate thing to do for both of us.

    Fortunately, over time, as I grew as a person, I was able to build a new relationship with him, based on fresh experiences and not sour expectations.

    2. Constantly re-assess your expectations.

    When trying to start afresh with my father, I found myself constantly face to face with my old expectations. Whenever he would act in a certain way, such as making empty promises or failing to be there for me when I need him, it would trigger an old story (and old emotions) I had about how he’d always been this way or how he’d never change. But each time I did so, I was able to reassess my expectations.

    A cynical way to look at this would be to say that I lowered them. But who’s to say for whatever reason they weren’t too high to begin with? When he began to act in a way that was more congruent with what I had come to expect, we were both happier, and he even began to positively surprise me sometimes when he fulfilled promises I didn’t expect him to.

    3. Look at the world from their perspective.

    The spiritual teacher Ram Dass once said: “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” It’s a tongue-in-cheek quote, and I’ve tried to apply the idea my situation. I’ve always thought that I’m an empathetic and understanding person. But can I really stand in the shoes of my family members and be completely ok with their actions, particularly those who have hurt me?

    I tried to think about my dad’s situation, his expectations and disappointments, the influences in his life like constantly being on the move because of his work. And I understood that he wasn’t there for me partly because he was afraid of losing his new family and being alone.

    At the end of the day, while I couldn’t come to justify his actions, I was able to see the rationale in them, and have empathy for him as a flawed human being, rather than someone who had intentionally done me wrong.

    4. Practice acceptance in all areas of life.

    Sometimes I couldn’t separate the man from the projection, I couldn’t change my expectations, and I couldn’t come to rationalize where I’d been done wrong. At this point, I had to try and accept things the way they are. And at first, I couldn’t. It just felt so inauthentic, I was still so angry and upset. So I decided to start small and practice acceptance as a skill.

    I accepted little things like traffic on the way to work and rudeness by people in shops. I accepted when I saw something I didn’t like on the news or friend of mine had been a little thoughtless. I even made it a habit to accept things I didn’t like about myself, and finally, I began to be able to accept my father for his mistakes.

    5. View relationships as fluid, not solid.

    This final point was one of the most interesting. I began to view relationships in my life as fluid and not solid. For me, fluid relationships meant that people could enter and leave, their roles could change, as could the way we related to each other. Unfortunately, this is a natural fact of life, and the choice we have is whether or not we resist it.

    My dad hasn’t been a huge support, nor a good role model, but right now he’s a father and a friend, and someone I love. That may change in the future, for better or worse, but I’m trying my best to be open to the journey.

    Learning to let go of people you love when they’ve hurt you is one of the most difficult challenges we will face in a lifetime. As you can see from my situation, letting go of someone may be releasing the grip you have on the idea of who they should be. Sometimes you can still maintain a relationship, just not the one you want. And sometimes, that’s exactly what you need.

    Have you ever had to rebuild a relationship with someone who’s hurt you? Leave a comment below, I would love to hear your stories!

  • Why I Can’t Always Be the “Strong One” and What I Do Now Instead

    Why I Can’t Always Be the “Strong One” and What I Do Now Instead

    “She was strong and weak and brave and broken… all at the same time.” ~Unknown

    My mom was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was seven years old. It’s a chronic condition that doctors say can be managed but not cured. The symptoms included manic high energy, depression, delusions, hearing voices, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality.

    There were many times of stability for her, when she was on the right medication, taking it routinely, and attending regular psychotherapy. But if any of these elements were missing, those moments were often short-lived.

    She was the type of woman who would speak to anyone in eyesight, make an instant connection, and fill the atmosphere with the kind of joy and laughter that would make anyone think of happy times.

    For me, as I knew her well, any extreme traits that did not resemble these were signs that her body was not responding to the medicine and she was having what doctors call an “episode.” These were the times I knew she had to be hospitalized for stabilization. Some episodes were milder than others, but all resulted in my sister and I having to make the tough decisions, for my mother’s well-being, that deep down inside hurt us to the core.

    We were like the three amigos, my mother, little sister, and me. We had a powerful bond, and my mother, being a single parent, taught us to be strong, independent, confident women. Growing up, I didn’t know that my mom having her episodes would become the norm, and taking her back and forth to the hospital would become routine.

    Years later it would never get easier, and each time felt like the first time. Each time I had to put on my armor jacket of strength, suck up my feelings of sadness, and be strong for my mother when she was not able to do that for herself. I had no idea back then that learning how to be so “strong” would eventually be my downfall.

    I remember my first time taking my mom to the hospital. My heart raced and my chest filled with so much pressure it felt as if I was about to explode. I was filled with such overwhelming sadness, anger, and helplessness that I couldn’t even express if I wanted to. It wasn’t the time.

    As we sat with my mother in the emergency room, waiting for her to get called back, everything moved in slow motion. Her rage of being taken to the hospital without her initial consent filled my ears with such vulgar slurs and hurtful words that I regularly had to remind myself it was her “condition” talking, not her.

    Life can put us in situations where we are forced to be strong even when we feel weak inside. Society will give you the impression that being strong is a good thing. We are programmed to show strength and not express our weakness. It’s almost this hidden outlook as if expressing your weakness will allow someone or a situation to break you, and once we are broken, we can’t put the pieces back together.

    We become so good at portraying strength; we fool others into believing that we have everything under control and do not need help. But, as I found over the years of being the strong one and continually putting on my armor jacket of strength, I was doing more harm to myself than good.

    Here are some lessons I’ve learned since realizing that being the “strong” one is not always the best solution:

    1. Don’t isolate yourself from others.

    There were many times when my mother’s episodes were extreme, and I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone in my inner circle. I felt like no one would understand what I was going through, and it felt like I was in a battle all by myself. Unlike a physical disease, there are so many negative stigmas that can come with having a mental disorder. The fear of both my mother and I being judged and ridiculed was enough to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself.

    During these times being social was the last thing on my mind. I avoided social outings with friends and family like the plague because I felt like I was going through things they wouldn’t understand.

    The more I isolated myself, the more toxic my mind became. When I was by myself, I would constantly dwell on my negative thoughts. They would race through my mind all day, and it was extremely hard for me to see the positive.

    On the days when I did have a brief interaction with my friends, I was no longer the voice of reason but instead the “Debby Downer” who no one wanted to be around. The calls eventually slowed down, and my circle of friends became smaller and smaller.

    Contrary to what I believed, when I finally decided to open up it made a world of difference for me. When I told a close friend the details of what I was going through, she said she could sense something was wrong with me and extended her listening ear. Even though she wasn’t able to directly relate, she had a close friend whose sister had a similar diagnosis, so she was able to understand my concerns and offer a few stress management tips.

    This one little moment speaking with my friend felt so freeing. I was finally able to open up to someone and not feel as if I was in a battle all by myself. Moments like those helped me realize that isolating myself was not aiding my strength but actually adding unnecessary stress.

    When you isolate yourself, you tend to feel like you’re in battle alone and forget that it’s innate for people who care about you to want to be there for you. Your friends and loved ones will be able to sense when something is wrong and will naturally want to offer support. By opening a dialogue, you might be surprised by how many people can relate in some way.

    Even if someone is not able to directly relate, there are hidden messages of encouragement that you can receive when you least expect it. Allowing yourself to be around others during these times can make a shift in your energy, which can help make your days brighter.

    2. Don’t hold your feelings inside.

    I think one thing many tend to forget is that holding your feelings inside doesn’t make them go away. When you bottle your emotions inside you are allowing the pressure of the build-up to take control of your body. These feelings cause more harm than good. When worrying becomes excessive, it can lead to feelings of high anxiety and cause you to become ill. Stress, according to the American Psychological Association, is the leading cause of some of the most severe chronic diseases.

    In the early years of my mother’s diagnosis, I would allow stress to consume my life. When high levels of stress would occur, I frequently became sick. I would frequent the doctor for stomach pains and was soon told that continuing on that path could result in causing a stomach ulcer.

    Being “strong” does not mean that you need to keep things bottled up with no outlet. This is an unconscious thing we tend to do without thinking about the long-term effects. It is vital that we allow ourselves to handle the crisis by finding a positive outlet. Meditation and exercise can be great tools to use that will allow you to release the energy needed.

    3. Let yourself be vulnerable.

    In every healthy relationship, there must be a sense of vulnerability. Whether we’re talking about a romantic relationship or a friendship, vulnerability is needed for each person to be in their truth and for the connection to be genuine.

    When you are put in situations where you have to be strong at all times you tend to build a wall up, what I like to call the “wall of protection.” This is a wall that builds over time and grows as you are forced to overcome more adversity.

    The more you are forced to be strong and fight your battles, the higher the wall gets. In these moments of struggle, you are forced to take on an intensive militant mindset, figure out the problem quickly, and find the solution. You have no room for errors or mistakes. Because you are the strong one, your mind thinks if you allow a mistake everything will crumble.

    I spent years unconsciously pushing people away without knowing it. I was accustomed to handling every battle that came my way on my own. My “wall of protection” eventually turned into this hard exterior that pushed everyone away, including men I was dating. It shielded my soft, playful side and turned me into someone who was a pro at masking her emotions.

    How can you have a genuine relationship with no vulnerability? How can anyone get to know you if they only see and understand one side of you? Eventually, that relationship will drift away because it has no foundation to stand on.

    By putting on your strong masquerade, you block others from seeing the real you. Without allowing someone to get to know you, including your fears and what makes you happy and sad, they are just getting to know your representative, not your true self.

    What if you didn’t have to fight the battle alone? By allowing yourself to be vulnerable and admitting when you are going through hard times, you allow yourself to receive love. And love is by far the most prominent weapon one needs to overcome whatever obstacles come his or her way.

  • How to Face Uncertainty: Why We Don’t Need to Press the Panic Button

    How to Face Uncertainty: Why We Don’t Need to Press the Panic Button

    “This time, we are holding onto the tension of not knowing, not willing to press the panic button. We are unlearning thousands of years of conditioning.” ~Sukhvinder Sircar

    This morning I awoke feeling uncertain about the direction my life was taking. Was it what I wanted in all areas? Was I right to be living where I wanted to, in London, away from family? Was I doing the “right thing” restructuring my business, and was I doing the “right thing” going away for two months next year?

    I’ve had a few days like this recently, and while I’d like to blame it on my external circumstances, I know differently. I’m simply feeling stuck in thought.

    I learned this in what I perceive as “the hard way.”

    Three years ago, I experienced trauma that left me feeling empty and abandoned. I got married. You wouldn’t think that this was a traumatic experience, but in the space of one month (and for no apparent reason whatsoever), my family told me that I was “no longer part of their family” and that I “deserved” to be abandoned by my dad when I was four, and my new mother-in-law-to-be told me that she had “never liked me but that she would try.” Also, I lost my best friend of ten years.

    It’s safe to say that my wedding day was a blur, and I felt broken. Instead of experiencing wedded bliss, I ended up questioning my relationship and traveling alone to try to “find myself.” Really, I was trying to escape my pain and run from the uncertainty I was feeling about life.

    Fast forward three years, and I now know something different. When we are feeling uncertain or doubtful, trying to predict the future or trying to work out the past—whenever we are not in the moment—it is because we are actually caught up in our thinking.

    Sure, we can blame many of our external circumstances for these feelings and choices—there are plenty of things that have occurred this week that I could say have “made me” feel uncertain. But since I’ve discovered the truth of who I really am, I now know that my uncertainty is, in fact, coming from me.

    Ultimately, our thinking influences how we experience the external world, which means we have a choice in how our circumstances impact us. That being said, it is human nature, and completely normal, to get caught up in our feelings about external events at times. The point is that we don’t need to be scared of our human experience or try to think our way out of it; we just need to accept our feelings until they pass.

    It’s an Inside-Out Reality

    As I journeyed through life after what felt like a breakdown, I came across a profound understanding about the nature of our human experience, which totally transformed the way I saw and danced with life. I now call this my “transformational truth principles.”

    These principles explain how our entire reality is thought-created, which means that everything we see in the world and everything we feel comes from our thinking.

    So, using my current experience as an example: I’ve been feeling uncertain about where I should live, whether I should travel for such a long time, and how I’m going to restructure my business and maintain my finances. I know that I am feeling anxious about these things solely because of my thoughts.

    If I weren’t worried about uncertainty (if I didn’t have an “uncertainty bothers me” lens), then it wouldn’t upset me at all. If I focused on the potential of my business growth, the excitement of the travel journey, and the beautiful feeling of living where I want to be living in London, I’d be feeling that thinking instead.

    So, external events that are happening can’t impact us unless what we believe about them bothers us. It’s the same with anything. If someone criticizes us, it can’t impact us unless we believe it ourselves.

    Say someone criticized my creative talents, for example; I would probably laugh because I see myself as creative. If, like with my wedding, they criticized my worthiness, my ability to be loved, or left me, I might sob into my pillow for days, because at times, like many of us, I doubt my self-worth and question if I’m lovable.

    Just because people thought I was unlovable, that doesn’t mean I am. The only reason it impacted me was because I believed it myself. In this way, the external only ever points us to what we think about ourselves and not to the truth.

    Our Thoughts Are Not the Truth

    We get so caught up in believing our own stories that we often forget to step back and see that what we think is just thought. Thoughts aren’t always facts. What’s more, you might notice how our thinking fluctuates. We can think differently about the same thing in each different moment. That’s because our thoughts are transient, and fresh new thinking is available to us in each moment.

    When you understand this, you might well wonder, “Well, what is the truth then?” The truth is underneath our thinking. Within all of us there is a wisdom—a clarity—that is innately accessible to us, if we just allow the space to listen to it.

    We do this by simply seeing our thoughts as “just thoughts” floating around in our heads. Noticing this allows our thoughts to drop away—without us doing anything.

    Allowing Space and Flowing

    Usually, instead, we are likely to have a whole host of thoughts around how to react when we feel anxious about uncertainty.

    For me personally, I would usually want to force and control things in order to “fix” my lack of certainty over my relationship or whatever my uncertainty might be in the moment—living where I was living, traveling, or restructuring my business.

    You might make lists of action plans, or work out worst-case scenarios, or analyze why it happened.

    This has always been a temptation of mine, and I spent months on this after my wedding, trying to work out if I should be with my husband or not, whether life would forever be difficult if I had children, why my in-laws didn’t like me, and why my dad left.

    But, again, in the same way I now understand that it is not the external that creates my feelings about uncertainty, I also understand that there is no need to force certainty, or even look for the “why.” Sometimes there isn’t one.

    Certainty is an Illusion

    It’s an illusion that there is any certainty in the first place. Life is always evolving, and, as such, there is no safety net beyond the one we imagine. We do this all the time, but the only certainty in life is that there isn’t any!

    Anything we predict is just our mind trying to “fix something,” which is futile. It can seem scary to think that we have no certainty, that we can’t fix things, but when we understand that there is actually nothing to fix—because nothing is broken—we can settle back into the flow of life.

    I’m not saying it always feels easy, but I have experienced how my feelings about my wedding traumas settled down when I began to understand this.

    We are Universally Guided and Already Whole

    We only see that there is something to “fix” because this is, again, our construction of reality. We are unlearning thousands of years of conditioning of how we view the world: ideas that certainty exists and that we need to fix ourselves if things don’t look how we think they should.

    Sydney Banks, the original inspirer of my Transformational Truth principles, said:

    “If the only thing people learned was not to be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world.”

    Because, actually, there is nothing to fear. I believe we are always exactly where we need to be—because we are part of this amazingly miraculous universe, which is guided by some sort of powerful intelligence that no one really understands. In this way, we are already whole, always connected, and always safe. There is nothing to fix because we are not broken.

    Ultimately, the “answer” we are looking for is pointless. There is no “answer,” and we don’t need one. All we need to do is see how life really works and allow ourselves to accept where we are in each moment, knowing that it is a transient, thought-created experience of life.

    We just need to flow, move with what happens, and sit in our feelings, knowing that they are thought-based, they can’t harm us, and they will soon pass.

    In her poem “She Is a Frontier Woman,” Sukhvinder Sircar explains this well in saying that all we really need to do is hold on to the tension of not knowing and not press the panic button.

    Allow the Creative Force of Life Flow

    And so, this morning, as I woke feeling uncertain, I got out my yoga mat and journal. I stretched, I moved my body, and I sat in the feelings I had, knowing that they would pass, even though they felt horrible.

    I knew that they were not part of me, but simply my thinking, trying to convince me of something I believed that was fundamentally not the truth. I let go. I flowed. I accepted what I didn’t know. I didn’t press the panic button. Instead, I wrote this.

    In the space where I could have (and would have previously) worried and attempted to solve things, the creative force of life—which is actually underneath all of our thoughts—simply flowed through me. In a much more beautiful way than it could have done had I indulged my imagined beliefs about the external.

    When we sit back, creation gifts us with exactly what we need in each moment. We simply need to understand how this works and allow it.

  • How Social Media Is Helping Me Cope with Grief

    How Social Media Is Helping Me Cope with Grief

    “Grief, no matter where it comes from, can only be resolved by connecting to other people.” ~Thomas Horn

    We had just landed in Chicago. I had spent the last three hours on a flight from New Jersey sitting next to grown-ups who didn’t ask me fifty questions every two minutes, while my kids watched a movie with their dad, two rows behind.

    I was looking forward to spending one whole week in Chicago, despite the freezing temps. This was my first real break in eight months, and boy, I had plans! Sleeping in, long baths, reading, and no laptop!

    I switched my phone on as soon as we landed. There was a text from my sister in India that she’d sent a few hours ago. My mom had been in the hospital for two weeks now with a serious lung infection.

    That morning her doctor had given us hope that she was getting better. This was good news, and I was relieved. I tried to call my mom and then my dad, but none of them answered.

    I thought, I’ll try her again when we check in our hotel. I sent her a text, telling her the same along with a video of my two-and-a-half year old son running around the airport. These videos were her life.

    We were in the back of a Black Sedan, on our way to the hotel, when my phone rang. It was my dad. He was crying. I couldn’t even understand what he was saying, but my heart was beating out of my chest.

    The only thing I understood were these words, “She was put on a ventilator.”

    I started crying, but I managed to say, “She will be fine, Papa. Don’t cry. Be strong!” I knew whatever “putting on a ventilator” meant, she would be fine! Goddammit, that was my mom! She was always fine. In reality, I had no idea what that meant.

    The next few hours were a battle she fought alone for her life. She gave a good fight, but eventually, my sweet mama lost the battle. I didn’t just lose my mother. I also lost my best friend and my biggest cheerleader.

    The next day, I carried myself and my heavy heart 8,000 miles away to India.

    The last time I saw my mom was over two years ago. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I will never be able to see her beautiful smile again. I will never hear her sweet voice.

    The next few weeks are a blur. The only thing I remember is seeing her lifeless body.

    I remember her slightly parted lips as if she was about to call my name. Her black hair with greys peeking out, and her soft, supple skin. I kissed on her forehead and wished somehow she would wake up.

    I held her hand and said goodbye to the person who brought me into this world.

    After spending a few weeks back in India with my family, I came back home to New Jersey. With nothing but grief and tears to fill my day with, I returned to work.

    A big part of my work involves staying active on social media. I had taken a brief hiatus, but now I was ready to be back. But how could I talk about anything else other than that one thing that consumed my brain?

    I had built a small yet strong community on my social media platform. Yet, I hesitated. What if someone posted a nasty comment? What if someone told me, “Enough already, stop depressing us!”

    I spent most of my days at my home, crying. My husband was at work, and my kids were in school. I started noticing that other than a few friends who I could literally count on my fingers, others had disappeared from my life.

    My phone never rang.  My friends hardly texted me. When I ran into people, they were so awkward around me. Was it just my imagination?

    Was it just a coincidence that my good friends had just vanished into thin air at that exact moment when I needed them the most?

    It’s said that grief is like waves—sometimes it’s calm, and sometimes it’s like a tsunami. On days when it turned into tsunami, I felt like I was drowning and didn’t know if I would be able to come up for air. Ever.

    Desperate for a human connection, I turned to my small but mighty crowd on social media.

    On Instagram, I talked about my struggles and how I was coping with the loss of my mother. I wrote Facebook posts about my mom and how my kids were learning to calm me down when I broke into tears. In Facebook groups, I shared how my grief was affecting all areas of my life, including my work.

    The response was phenomenal! People sent me flowers and handwritten cards. Some shared their experience of how they dealt with the loss of a loved one.

    Some sent me long, beautiful personal messages and some just one sentence: “How can I help you?”

    These were people I hardly knew, some I had never met. Yet together, they opened their hearts and gave me a platform to grieve.

    Social media often gets a horrible rep, and I totally get it. There are some very nasty people out there. But for every one nasty person online, ten people are on social to be social.

    They are looking for a human connection. Perhaps, when they see raw vulnerability, they extend their hand across their screens. When they read about someone who is going through the same pain as they are, they give their virtual shoulder to cry on.

    Humans need emotional connection. Even more when we are grieving. And sometimes you can’t find it near you. Sometimes you aren’t comfortable talking about it to anyone you know. And sometimes, even if you have people around, you feel they just don’t get it.

    Whatever it is, if you are struggling to talk to someone, know that social media can be a great resource. Use it; don’t shun it. Give it a try.

    Join a Support Group

    There are many great support groups online. A lot of closed Facebook groups dedicated to helping people who are grieving have stringent guidelines and zero tolerance policy. If you are new to social media or wary of sharing your personal stories online, start here.

    Since all the members are going through the same pain, there is a very high level of support. I discovered people who had lost a loved one were the ones who could really understand what I was talking about. And sometimes, it’s so much easier to spill your emotions when no one is staring at you in the eye with uncomfortable silence.

    Rule of 3:1

    Give, give, give, and then make the ask. The rule of social media is the same as the rule of life. You give first, and then you ask.

    Although I was received with an open heart from my community, I believe it was because I had built a relationship with them for six months. I had been there for them. I had provided value to their life or work many times before I made my ask.

    Show Up as You Are

    Don’t try to hide your emotions or pretend to be someone you aren’t. Tell your truth. Show up exactly the state you are in.

    If you are new to social media or don’t use it for anything else other than remembering your friend’s birthday, then this will be hard. Start with a safe place first. Maybe it’s a closed online community of known people or five of your trusted online friends. You don’t need thousands, just a few people whom you build an emotional connection with.

    We are very fortunate to live in a time when information and access are available to us at our fingertips. It’s up to us how we choose to use it.

    My grief is nowhere close to being over. It shall never be. It has changed forms, and I believe it will continue to do so. But, knowing that I have a safe space where I can talk about it without being judged or ridiculed is helping me cope with my grief.

  • What To Do When the Voices in Your Head Disagree

    What To Do When the Voices in Your Head Disagree

    “Ego says, ‘Once everything falls into place, I’ll feel peace. Spirit says, ‘Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.” ~Marianne Williamson

    Muse: I’d love to get another job one day. One where I can feel inspired and give my best gifts to the world! One where they have a casual dress code and summer Fridays. Ah, I can just feel it now!

    Critic: What are you, crazy? You’re always talking about quitting and starting over. Do you remember how hard we worked to get the job we have? (That you’ve only been at for one year, may I remind you.) What do you think, you can just throw that all away?

    Muse: I don’t care. I don’t want to live my life for my resume. One year is a good amount of time. I’m ready to try something new. I want to start feeling satisfied at work, and you know we are not happy in our current situation.

    Critic: It’s not all about “happiness,” okay? Who do you even know that is happy? (And don’t show me their Instagram feed as evidence.) There’s more to life than just what you want, you have to be responsible.

    Muse: Responsible means “able to respond,” and with that ability I’m responding to feeling dead at work with the idea to do something new. Why are you always such a downer?

    Does this style of dialogue sound familiar? What’s fascinating is that this kind of banter goes on internally ad nauseam, and we barely even recognize that it’s happening.

    According to several different therapeutic modalities, these inner “parts” of us are perfectly natural, but it can cause distress when they are engaged in conflict and we remain unaware of the inner battle we are constantly fighting.

    When I first was introduced to “parts work,” it made so much sense to me. I quickly identified a little girl part, a writer part, a dreamer part, a victim part, a wise part, and many others that were at play within my psyche—running more or less amuck having been left unattended for years.

    Once I got to know these parts (from their names, to what they like to wear, to their age, to their qualities of being), I began to develop a relationship with them where they could show me deeper fears and desires that I was struggling with.

    At the time, I was most conflicted by the battle the Muse and Critic have so nicely illustrated above. I was concerned as to whether to follow a more traditional career path, or set out on my own as an entrepreneur.

    When I would listen to either side individually, each seemed to make a compelling case. In the Muse’s case, she seemed to have my back regarding my heart’s desires and what would be both fun and fulfilling. In the Critic’s case, he seemed to be protective of my well-being and trying to ensure that I would be able to succeed and not be doing something rash or impractical.

    The beauty of working with your parts is that each of them has their own unique perspective and wisdom for you.

    Too often we hear things that imply that we should silence or even banish the inner Critic. However, from my vantage point and experience, the Inner Critic is most often attempting to offer something of value. He’s trying to be helpful in the only way he knows how (through fear and thus behaving protectively).

    When I started listening to the Inner Critic instead of avoiding him, I was able to use his strategizing, focus, and love of structure and stability to help balance out the Muse’s go-all-in approach.

    Whereas I tended to favor the Muse because she is more colorful, upbeat, and fun-loving, it was an important process to see where she was blindsided by her aspirations and sometimes ignoring realities that the Critic rightly brought to my attention.

    In fact, the relationship between the Muse and Critic highlighted why they were so diametrically opposed—by being pitted against each other, each one grew more and more extreme.

    Through working with these parts and having them relate to each other, the Critic could become an “inner architect,” and the Muse could open up to his ideas for designing the life of her dreams without throwing caution to the wind.

    It gave structure and form to the wispy and grandiose ideas of the dreamer. I was able to launch my own business, while also balancing the realities of daily life.

    Most importantly, working with my parts helped me feel more peace and alignment inside myself. From there, the external aspects of life became easier to navigate because I could connect to the clarity and direction within.

    I fell so in love with the personal transformation that parts work has to offer that I now incorporate this methodology into my work with others. It has been amazing to see how similar and yet how unique every person’s inner parts (and their relationships to each other) can be!

    By working with one’s parts over time, you can see how and why they disagree and move closer and closer to a deeper understanding and harmony among them.

    Do you also have an internal struggle currently where you feel like there’s a Ping-Pong game of back and forth going on inside your brain? Are you feeling torn between “I want to” and “I shouldn’t”? Are you feeling split between “If only…” and “Impossible!”? Then, it’s possible that two sides of your own self are waging war trying to get to a solution that actually lies in the middle ground of what they both have to offer.

    To start getting to know your own parts, you might:

    1. Sit down and list any of your roles or personas—as many aspects of yourself that you can think of.

    Some examples include: Debbie the Downer or Suzy the Spunky One; Donald the Dreamer or Percy the Protector.

    Trust your first instinct on their gender, if applicable. Some may even be an animal or have an amorphous presence, like a pervasive mist or a dark blob. *Also note that parts are not fixed or stagnant, they can continually evolve and shift, just like us!

    2. Secondly, write a few descriptive adjectives beside each of them.

    Write down what arises for you when you imagine them and when you connect with their needs, fears, and desires. For bonus points, draw a picture of them! (Even stick figures count!)

    3. Then, pick the two parts that seem the most contradictory, and begin a dialogue.

    Start with the most eager and curious one asking the other, “How are you today?”

    At first, they may start out pretty opposed, but if you write for at least a page, they may come to understand each other. However, the only goal here is to witness their perspectives as they are, and let the rest unfold organically. Don’t force the process; rather follow your intuition and be open to letting the process lead you!

    Feel free to share below how this goes for you. I hope you at least have fun exploring. You might be surprised at what unfolds!

  • Anxiety Is Not My Enemy: How I’ve Learned to Accept It And Cope

    Anxiety Is Not My Enemy: How I’ve Learned to Accept It And Cope

    “You are strong for getting out of bed in the morning when it feels like hell. You are brave for doing things even though they scare you or make you anxious. And you are amazing for trying and holding on no matter how hard life gets.” ~Unknown

    I couldn’t take it anymore. I no longer wanted to answer to the heart beating on my ribcage, my sweat on my palms, or the breath that got caught in the upper part of my lungs. I wanted the swirling thoughts in my brain to settle. I imagined them falling like leaves finding their place on the ground after a gust of wind forces them into a cyclone.

    Driving my daughter to daycare, I couldn’t calm myself. We had just moved to a new town in what was our last relocation.

    Over the past thirteen years, my husband and I had moved across the country and lived in several cities—Baltimore, Milwaukee, San Diego, Winston-Salem, NC, Oxford—and I was tired. Tired of the stress of packing and unpacking our things. Tired of finding new doctors. Tired of making new friends. Tired of setting up daycare for my toddler. Tired of finding her new therapy providers to address her gross motor delays. Tired of finding new babysitters. Tired of rebuilding our home.

    If tired had been all I had felt, I may have coped better. But, as always, anxiety was there. Like a childhood friend—or foe, or frenemy—it never leaves my side. As long as I have had memories, anxiety tagged itself in.

    So, when driving my daughter to her first day at a new daycare, my thoughts were sent into a tailspin.

    It wasn’t until this last move, during that drive down yet another College Avenue in yet another new city, that I realized my anxiety was something I needed to deal with.

    I asked myself: What if my daughter sees this? Will she learn to live in fear? Will she worry about big things and small things, just as I do? Will she learn to stress over things she cannot change or that have yet to happen? Will she see my tears on our way to her new daycare and wonder if she, too, should be crying?

    My daughter is fun-loving, silly, humorous, and independent. Life never gets her down, even though she was born eight weeks early, spent five weeks in the NICU, and continues to struggle with muscle weakness.

    She cannot run with her friends on the playground. Yet she has friends. Lots of them. All of the children in her classroom call out “Evelyn!” when she arrives in the morning. Teachers from the other side of the building know her. It may be because she uses a walker, or because she has special braces on her feet. More likely, it’s because of her outgoing personality and willingness to try anything.

    She has an empathy that cannot be taught. She pats babies’ backs when they cry. She hugs me when I look sad. At snack time, she shares her crackers. She always wants to play and is sure to include others. All this and she is only three.

    She never worries what others will think of her slow walking. She just walks. She never judges others for being different. She just plays. She never worries about hiding her disability. She just sits down with the group of children playing with the Legos.

    During that drive, with the tears streaming down my cheeks, I knew this excessive angst was something I should not pass on to her. She deserved better.

    My daughter needed a mother who worried less and enjoyed more. A mother who could show her that happiness is found from within. I wanted her to learn that she is worthy of a peaceful life.

    At this point, my suffering had spanned thirty-six years. As a child, when I had started a new grade in school, I cried the night before. When we visited relatives’ homes, they would call me “bashful” or “shy” or some equivalent when really I was none of those things. I wanted to engage more, but fear of saying the wrong thing held me back.

    When I started college, I was certain I would fail. My dream of studying abroad was almost squashed by fear of living in a new country.

    I was afraid of learning to drive, going to school dances, and being invited (or not) to birthday parties. Even attending Girl Scout meetings in grade school meant I had to interact with others whom I feared didn’t like me. I never knew if that was really how others felt. My anxiety didn’t care about truth.

    Anxiety whispers to me: You’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. You’ll fail at that. No one will like you. You can’t do that.

    And then the questions start: What if you get lost? What if you have to eat in front of strangers? What if food gets stuck in your teeth? What if your car breaks down? What if….

    So, by the time we reached my daughter’s daycare, when the tears wouldn’t stop, I had had enough. I vowed to get help.

    That night I found a therapist who has taught me the importance of my anxiety.

    “The anxiety won’t completely go away,” my therapist told me. Even though I had hoped she had the secret to an anxiety-free life, I knew she was right. Anxiety is natural. It is useful. Just not at my level.

    I explored it, feeling its crevices and textures. It’s a part of my personality. It makes me me. Anxiety was not the problem. My inability to cope was. Allowing it to take over my thoughts until I became frozen was.

    Now, I’m learning to accept myself. I check in with myself. I allow myself to feel what is there, yet I can step aside enough to analyze what is really happening.

    Through our therapy sessions, I found compassion for my anxiety. It’s there to tell me something. It often points out the paths in life that are most worthwhile. My instinct to fight back, to push myself through the angst, was right. Each time I face my anxiety, I come out the other side victorious. Yet the energy drained from me each time leaves me fatigued. As I reach each threshold between relenting to anxiety or jumping into something something fearful, exhaustion fills my body. I feel as if I could go to sleep and never wake up.

    “I don’t want to have to force myself to do things every time I get anxious,” I told my therapist.

    She responded, “What if you looked at it as not forcing yourself but rather you made a choice to do something despite your fear?”

    Being proud of myself for my achievements despite my anxiety never occured to me. My anxiety didn’t have to be my enemy. It wasn’t the harrowing fight between knight and fire-breathing dragon that I thought it was. My anxiety tested me, pushed me, and ultimately made me who I am. Accepting it would not be conceding, but rather it meant I could live with more sanity.

    It’s not easy to live with anxiety, but with the aid of a few goals, my days now start with more purpose and end with more peace.

    Through my self-exploration, I found a mantra that recenters my focus from one of fear to one stillness; Feed my mind, body, soul. I found a way to leave my ego on the side—that which feeds my negative thoughts about myself—and relax into the present moment. Days on which I manage to include all three elements of focus, I feel the most calm.

    It takes work to achieve them all. One usually fights to take on more weight than the others. But when I insist on balance, I can settle my rattled brain for at least a little while. I do this work daily. The triangle image hangs in my thoughts as I try and balance each side into a perfect equilateral shape. When achieved, I go to bed feeling like my soul has evened out.

    As my therapist had suggested, reframing my self-language focuses on the mind. Just as my daughter can find compassion for the people around her, I am learning to find compassion for myself. I’m not broken. I have emotions and needs and fears. I can allow those to exist. I honor them for what they are while also finding pride for choosing the tough road time and again.

    Giving my mind a safe place to find quietness has also enhanced the this portion of my triangle. But when the battle is with anxiety, that is a difficult feat. Meditation is tougher than I thought. ‘Doing nothing’ is actually doing quite a bit. Yet, when I am able to put aside the noisy chatter in my head, the peace is exhilarating. At times, when the anxious voice is shut out—along with all of the upcoming things I should be worrying about—I feel as if I am floating off my couch cushion.

    Yoga, kickboxing, Zumba—all help drain the anxiety from my body. As the sweat glistens on my skin, the anxiety has no place to be. My heartbeat increases, my blood flows freely, and my focus is on finishing the workout. My body feels cared for.

    I feed my body foods it needs to thrive. I’ve cut back on coffee and leaned more on tea. Fruits and vegetables find their way into every meal and snack. Sugar is limited, although to ban it altogether would go against what is good for my soul.

    My soul begs for me to feed my own inner energy. I engage in activities I enjoy, even when I don’t think there are enough hours in the day. I nurture myself.

    Through writing, I find great solace. It’s meditative and brings me a joy I cannot find elsewhere. Sentences and stories flow through my head, often taking the place of the anxious ones. Just like anxiety, I was born this way. Since childhood, I’ve liked storytelling. The more time I schedule for writing, the less time anxiety can claim.

    I cook. Providing nutritious meals for my family is a privilege. When engaged in new recipes, my focus shifts to one of worry about the future to one of creating something to enjoy.

    I even find time to watch my favorite television shows. When my daughter is at school, and my husband is in the office working, I take my lunch to the couch and turn on Netflix. I often find the comedies. When something can make me laugh when I’m alone, I know it’s the distraction from the tough parts of life that I need.

    I am a work in progress. Some days, anxiety sneaks up on me. Panic can be overwhelming. Instead of criticizing myself for being weak, I allow the feelings to come. I try to slow down. I accept that in that moment, I feel overwhelmed. It will pass.

    Now, when I drive my daughter to daycare, I don’t cry. I sing. I no longer worry about what the driver next to me will think when he sees my mouth moving and hands tapping.

    My daughter and I say “hi” to the busses on the road. We pretend her stuffed Elmo is driving, and we laugh at her silly jokes. She tells me to go “this way” and points the wrong direction to which I respond, “no, this way.” That banter always makes her giggle. We talk about which friends will be at school and what she’ll play outside.

    Through it all, she smiles. And now, so do I.

  • The Difference Between Love, Lust, and Attachment: Why We Have It All Wrong

    The Difference Between Love, Lust, and Attachment: Why We Have It All Wrong

    “Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency and has more to do with love of self than love of another.” ~Yasmin Mogahed

    The feelings we get when meeting someone new are hard to understand at times. We have biopsychosocial and even spiritual responses and interactions with people we come into contact with.

    We’ve all met someone and felt like we just want to be around them. They make us nervous (butterflies), we can’t think straight, we’re self-conscious, we just feel an overwhelming… pull toward them.

    I have (like many before me) spent my life equating this experience with the very beginning stages of love or may even go as far as to proclaim this as “love at first sight.”

    I did this because:

    1. It didn’t happen often. In years and years of dating and searching for “the right one,” I only got that intense experience a handful of times. So I equated that emotional reaction with the quality of the connection.

    2. I felt like any and all ambivalence disappeared from my mind and emotions. I knew, in those moments, with those people, I wanted to be around them, I needed them in my life. The questioning of ” what do I really want?” seemed to fade into oblivion. Doubt seemed to disappear from my mind.

    3. I felt extremely attracted to them. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. It wasn’t purely lust, so it had to be more.

    But what if I said, this isn’t remotely real romantic love at all? What if I said this isn’t lust either? What if I said books like Romeo and Juliet, The Notebook, Twilight, and many others alike, have gotten love completely and utterly wrong all along?

    Now some of you may say, “Yeah, I knew that was all wrong.” But our culture and society were built on this deeply passionate idea of love and marriage—after all, they go together like a horse and carriage.

    Our subconscious minds have been programmed to want that kind of big love, that kind of dedication, that kind of commitment. The kind that would play out like, you know, the movies.

    I had this revelation recently after meeting someone and being overtaken by these emotions, for the first time in a while. I immediately went to the idea that maybe she is the one, maybe this is it. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t focus. I just wanted to be with her. I just wanted to be close to her.

    Then I realized something quickly, while in the throes of my serendipitous fairy tale encounter: This was out of character for me at this point in my life.

    I felt I couldn’t be myself. I felt like I was out of control. My confidence was muddied by nerves. I felt like I had no say in what was happening between us and what was happening inside of me. Something else took over. I knew it wasn’t purely lust and I knew, intuitively, it wasn’t what love should feel like. So what was it?

    After years of growth and work, I knew one thing for sure: Balance is the secret to life. So feeling incredibly unbalanced was a red flag to me. I dug deeper. I thought back to my training as a counselor, the presentations I had given on attachment theory, and the digging I had done on my own attachment schemas.

    And I realized when I quieted all of those seemingly out of control, but elated feelings, the emotion that came to the forefront was, anxiety. Pure anxiety.

    I thought back to every relationship or encounter that made me feel that way, and in an effort to get to the bottom of this, I desperately asked my higher self what they had in common—and it was clear right away.

    They all ran away at some point. But to be more accurate, they were all emotionally and psychologically ambivalent or wave-like in their attachment orientation. This meaning, in the context of ambivalence, they went back and forth between being emotionally available and unavailable. Sure of what they want, then unsure and pull away.

    Psychological ambivalence is defined as a state of having simultaneous conflicting reactions, beliefs, or feelings toward some object.

    Attachment theory is far too in depth to dive into in this article, but in short: We all develop attachment patterns stemming from childhood relationships with our caregivers, and they are ever evolving throughout our teenage and adult years as we go head first through friendships and romantic relationships.

    Wave-like tendencies, in regards to attachment, are typically characterized by swaying back and forth from anxiety to ambivalent states.

    So here is what happened to me: Every time I met a beautiful and intriguing woman who radiated unavailability, my teenage, insecure, anxious self forced its way to the surface from the deepest caverns of my psyche.

    This strong, out-of-control feeling I associated with love was just my own wave-like attachment schema thrown full throttle into anxiety mode.

    On the surface, these relationships and connections felt right and felt amazing for me because my own tortured ambivalent nature seemed to fade away, and the intense energy taking place during this dynamic essentially acted like a high. But, on a deeper level, I felt utterly rooted and anchored in anxiety.

    It was deceiving. I knew what books and movies portrayed true love and soul mates to be, and my brain automatically associated these strong emotions and interactions with those narratives.

    From Victim of Love, to Empowered Co-Creator of Love

    I realized that real true love is a choice; it isn’t something that happens to us or triggers us. At the heart of empowerment is in fact choice. When we choose to have romantic relationships with the people that balance us, we are in control and empowered enough to choose and co-create, with that person, what that relationship will ultimately be.

    We can alchemize and create relationship dynamics such as passion, dedication, and unconditional love—all of the fairy tale cues we yearn for. All accomplished by setting the intention to have that type of relationship and backing it up with actions that align with those intentions. But it must start from a space of feeling balanced in our love interests energy and presence.

    In this moment of clarity I was able to realize literature and society had it all wrong. I had it all wrong. Big romantic love isn’t this overpowering energetic force that takes us over and sweeps us off of our feet. It is something we intentionally choose to co-create, from a balanced place—with a partner who draws feelings of peace from within us, not anxiety or fear, and a partner we can be our most authentic self with.

    So How Do You Make The Shift and Create Healthier Romantic Relationships?

    1. Understand your attachment schema and piece your own patterns together.

    There are plenty of books out there, the most helpful and well-rounded of them being Your Brain on Love, by Stan Tatkin.

    2. Remember, awareness is the first step.

    It won’t stop you from feeling those intense emotions when you are around someone who triggers your attachment schemas, but it will empower you to make healthier choices about what role those people do or don’t play in your life. We have been conditioned on multiple levels to seek overwhelming love; it isn’t a habit we can break overnight.

    3. Continue to become more aware, and heal your wounds any way you can.

    Re-write the stories you’ve told yourself about what love is and what love is not that have held you back from having the type of relationship you really want. It takes time to reprogram the narrative and build real love from a balanced place, without more self-sabotage.

    4. Balanced romantic relationships can start in a multitude of ways, but friendship seems to be the most naturally balanced place to start from.

    This doesn’t mean force friends first, in an inorganic way; it just means listen and pay attention to how you feel when you are with that person.

    5. Notice when you feel inner peace, joy, authenticity, vulnerability, and acceptance when in the presence of someone.

    Those are the sentiments and emotions felt when rooted in balance. Anxiety (butterflies), fear (please don’t leave me), an anxious need to be with someone, and feeling like you need to be something or someone you aren’t—those are the biggest indicators that you are not coming from a balanced place.

  • How Practicing Patience Can Relieve Stress and Anxiety

    How Practicing Patience Can Relieve Stress and Anxiety

    “Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.” ~Joyce Meyer

    I used to say, “Patience is a virtue I don’t have.” So, of course, that is how I lived my life. Hurried, exasperated, impatient, and stressed out.

    Not only was I a creating a world where I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off—because everything had to be done now, and anything that got in the way of that had to be removed immediately—but I was creating this world for those around me.

    My children often bore the brunt of my impatience. If they didn’t get dressed fast enough, or show up at the dinner table as soon as I called them, or get into the car when it was time to go, they met my wrath. And, I had a wicked tongue.

    I was constantly haranguing them to stop “being lazy,” “quit dawdling,” etc. Somehow, their lack of speed equated into being lazy or “less than.” Where did I pick up such a mentality?

    Do you find yourself constantly speeding to work, rushing through the grocery store, and generally snapping at people who can’t keep up? How does this make you feel inside?

    For me, it made me feel wound up like a tight ball. I felt a constant sense of anxiety. And, it didn’t make me feel good about myself—certainly my best self was not shining. Mostly, it made me feel chronically stressed out.

    Researchers have recently been able to prove through MRI scans of peoples’ brains under stress that stress causes certain areas of the brain to shut off. This means there is less activity in the brain—which leads to a depressed brain. This also leads to an angry brain because there is less neurological activity happening to process things that are going on in your day-to-day life. It’s like a traffic jam in your brain happens because you don’t have enough snowplows to clear the road.

    This frustration can lead to a trigger-happy mouth—one that blurts out frustrations and snaps angrily at people. Because, the brain is thinking so hard, it hurts!

    This used to be my life: constant impatience and its ensuing anxiety > chronically stressed brain > chronic depression > inner rage and anger.

    The thing with not having any patience is it clouds your entire life. You are so busy rushing from one thing to the next, expecting immediate gratification, that you are often not only disappointed but also emotionally and physically depleted.

    What happens when you yell at your children to hurry up? You’re met with resistance, that’s what happens. They yell back—more stress. Or, they go even slower!

    Does this resolve the issue in the end? No. It only makes matters worse. And, what was the issue in the end? I believe the issue was you had an attitude problem.

    The attitude is this: I have so much to do I can’t possibly get everything done in the day. So, I must rush about doing everything so I can make good progress on my to-do list. If someone or something impedes my progress on my to-do list, I get angry because I can’t possibly get everything done.

    Sounds like a vicious cycle, doesn’t it? The thing with being impatient is it is intimately tied to the judgmental and critical sides of ourselves. This is because whatever is happening in the moment is deemed not good enough in some way shape or form.

    In this case, it’s not happening fast enough. The moment and what’s happening in it has been judged! And it has been criticized.

    Once this occurs, suddenly you find yourself trying to control the situation and making it happen faster. When this doesn’t work—for example, if the person in front of you is driving really slowly—you get angry, which causes your cortisol stress levels to rise. And, we all know stress isn’t good for us.

    So, how do you stop this vicious cycle and where do you find patience? I was at a loss, myself. I didn’t even realize I had a patience problem, because I was telling myself the story that I didn’t have any patience to begin with. From this point of view, why bother since I didn’t have any?

    Well, we believe what we tell ourselves, and if I keep saying I don’t have any patience, well then I won’t.

    The first thing I needed to do was look at the story I was telling myself and change it. I began by saying to myself, “Patience is a virtue I practice daily.” It was a way to shift my mindset. Maybe I couldn’t jump straight to “I am the world’s most patient person” immediately. So, I found a middle group that shifted my old thinking into a different kind of habit.

    I had to write this down. And, whenever I found myself a) telling myself I am not patient or b) in a situation where I was feeling impatient and starting to get frustrated, I’d repeat the mantra “Patience is a virtue I practice daily.” Thus, I could accept the situation as a learning experience for practicing the virtue of patience.

    The other thing about patience is it allows you to slooooow down and actually experience the world. I used to be so concerned about getting to the next wherever I was going—finish a project at work, order off the menu, find a parking spot—that I never actually lived.

    I mean, I certainly wasn’t paying attention to where I was in the moment, or even being in the moment. I was too busy focusing on something else. It’s like I was not living at all. I was simply doing.

    There is a huge difference between doing and living. Many of us wind up confusing the two. This is especially true in western cultures, where output of an action, product, or thing is given so much value. It seems it is given much more value than say, actually sitting there in the parking lot waiting for the person to pull out and enjoying the moment—like noticing the birds chirping in the trees, or the sun in the sky.

    Sometimes we need to realize we have a patience problem and challenge the assumptions that got us there in the first place. Otherwise, we live a lesser life. We live a life in constant stress, we act a diminished version of ourselves, and most importantly, we don’t actually live and enjoy our lives.

    Here’s an exercise for you to try:

    What is the story you tell yourself about how patient you are? If you realize you say to yourself you’re the most patient person in the world, that’s wonderful! If you realize you often tell yourself you’re not patient at all, then consider a different statement you could be telling yourself instead.

    One of the other stories I used to tell myself that was absolutely sabotaging was “I don’t have time for this.” I would think I had to hurry to make the yellow light, because I don’t have time to wait at the red light. So, I’d rush ahead.

    I used to say “I don’t have time for this” when a slow person was entering a store, so I’d rudely rush right past them instead of even considering if there was a way I could help them.

    Or, I’d say I don’t have time to make small talk with my colleagues in a meeting and would just focus on the work at hand. Needless to say, this didn’t help me develop strong bonds with people if I didn’t have time to talk with them and learn something about their day or what’s going on in their life.

    I realized after a while that I had a patience problem. The way I realized this was because I was so stressed and anxious all the time. And, I was constantly angry. This is not an enjoyable way to live your life.

    So, one day I did a thought experience on that “I don’t have time for this” story I was always telling myself. When I was sitting at a light saying I don’t have time for this, I replied back to myself “Yes, you do have time for this.” And so it went all day. Every day.

    I challenged that story I was telling myself and I rebutted it. You know what happened? One day I found out all that time I was trying to save in a day by rushing around everywhere, maybe added up to ten whole minutes at the of the day.

    Was all that angst to get it done so quickly or all that pressure I put on other people worth a whole extra ten minutes? Who even notices an extra ten minutes in the day? Nobody. That’s who. So, what exactly was all this getting me for being so impatient and driving so fast and furious? Nothing. Well, actually it was getting me miserable, that’s what.

    Now, when I’m feeling a little impatient I realize I actually do have time for it. And, this makes me calm and relaxed instead.

    It’s okay if I didn’t make the light and have to wait at it for a minute. I have time for this. It’s okay if my kids arrive at the dinner table when they get there. I have time for this. It’s okay if I spend some time to connect with my co-workers before we begin the meeting. I have time for this. In fact, I have an embarrassment of riches of time! And so do you.

    The last thing I’ll talk about here is a little exercise that I like to do to bring myself off the ledge whenever I am having “a moment.” It’s called count backward from five.

    I know most people have heard of just count to ten if you’re upset about something and that will help. I never did find that very helpful. It was like I was just counting up on my frustration! Then, one day I learned the count backward from five technique. Just start counting: five – four – three – two – one.

    It has a strange calming effect. It is as if whatever it is that is bothering you is dissipating as you count backward. Usually, when I start counting backward from five I notice even by the time I get to three that something has lifted. I feel a shift in my agitation. By the time I get to one, I’m kind of over it. Try it. You may find it really helps you get through a moment.

    In the end, learning how to change your story and your habits when it comes to patience will help you heal from unnecessary anxiety and stress in your life. Will life still be stressful? Sure. But, at least you aren’t inflicting more of it on yourself with a patience problem.

    Surprisingly, when I learned to finally create healthy habits around patience, I began to get a lot better at compassion too. That’s because compassion requires patience.

    That crying child that you wish would stop? Having patience with that and slooowing down enough, makes you pause just enough to consider this child is in pain or frightened. You’ll realize you were once a child and when you felt pain or were frightened, you wished for comfort.

    Maybe instead of scowling at the child wishing they would shut up, you smile at them instead and say, “It will be okay.” In a way, you are also saying this to your inner child in some small fashion. It will be okay and you are okay.

  • 5 Psychological Strategies to Ease the Stress of Perfectionism

    5 Psychological Strategies to Ease the Stress of Perfectionism

    “Striving for excellence motivates you, striving for perfection is demoralizing.” ~Harriet Braiker

    The last three months I’ve been trying an experiment. It’s something that I’ve never done before, and in a certain way, it’s been a huge challenge. However, in other ways, it’s been an enormous stress relief, and I would say a largely successful effort.

    What I’ve done seems to go against conventional wisdom, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a wise choice.

    So what exactly is this challenge? Well, I have actively gone out of my way to be average.

    Yep, sounds a little weird, doesn’t it? But hear me out.

    Over the past year, I’ve become more aware than ever of how much unconscious stress I put on myself to be above average. I’ve always known I have a type-A personality, but I didn’t know to what extent this was doing me harm. A large part of this realization came from journaling my dreams and discussing them with a psychotherapist, and another part came about through a mindfulness practice.

    So for six months, whenever I felt like relaxing, and the little voice in my head would pop up and tell me I could be doing more in this moment, I would ignore it. I would decide to watch that extra episode on Netflix. I would choose to sleep in the extra fifteen minutes. I would leave the little bit of extra work until tomorrow.

    What came out of this was unexpected. The more I ignored the voice, the more loud and aggressive it became.

    Coming into contact with this part of myself ultimately did three things.

    Firstly, it showed me that I had an issue with perfectionism that I wasn’t entirely aware of. Secondly, it showed me just how tricky and persuasive the little voice of perfectionism could be. And finally, and most importantly, it taught me how overcoming that perfectionist tendency could lead to less stress, more productivity, and greater well-being.

    So, the moment of truth. How do you know you’re a perfectionist?

    • You often feel weighed down by fear of your goals not succeeding
    • You’re constantly looking for the ‘right’ moment to do something
    • You have a persistent sense of dissatisfaction with what you’ve achieved
    • You obsess over small mistakes that have little impact on the big picture
    • You neglect self-care in favor of achievements

    I came up with five psychological strategies to overcome this perfectionism. This has allowed me to take steps toward accepting the average parts of myself, and it’s helped me let go of a shocking amount of hidden stress.

    I’ve decided to share these steps with you here so you can begin to accept who and where you are, and enjoy the journey a little more.

    1. Rethink what it means to be average.

    In our society, we often consider anything less than greatness to be failure. That’s not an exaggeration; it’s just the reality of our skewed notions of achievement that have failed to account for larger and more interconnected societies in which it’s increasingly difficult to stand out.

    When we hear the terms “average” or “mediocre” we consider them dirty words, although they’re supposed to denote the middle of the pack. If you are average at something, that shouldn’t have any correlation whatsoever to your self-worth. Most people are average at most things for most of their lives. Does that mean that most people should feel bad about themselves?

    Accepting the ways in which you are average doesn’t mean you can’t strive to achieve greatness in some areas of your life. All it means is that the desire to excel doesn’t need to be driven by the feeling that you are incomplete. It can be out of the love of competing with your past self, the need to serve your community, or even just the enjoyment of a challenge in the present moment.

    2. Challenge the all-or-nothing fallacy.

    Perfectionism is a direct result of the all-or-nothing fallacy, also known as black-and-white thinking. When we believe that our value is completely tied to our achievements, for example, we cannot help but obsessively strive to do everything the right way, because any mistake would undermine our entire self-worth.

    We can also see this when we look for the one perfect moment to get started on something, when we put all our efforts into one project and neglect our health, and most toxically, when we try to evaluate our life against the over-generalized boxes of success or failure.

    When you see this type of thinking emerge in your psyche, challenge it, and replace it with more nuanced explanations.

    For example, I used to believe that I was either being productive or lazy. When I was being productive I wasn’t being lazy, and when I wasn’t being productive I was being lazy. I’ve started to challenge that idea with the more nuanced explanation that breaks are sometimes lazy and sometimes productive; they serve many purposes. They can be reinvigorating, rewarding, and sometimes need no justification.

    3. Become friends with what you don’t know.

    Another key trait of perfectionism that I saw in myself is a strong desire to control outcomes. We have this tendency partly because we have a heightened fear of things not going the way we want or expect.

    In part, this is because perfectionism creates stress, and when we are stressed we start to become more susceptible to cognitive biases. For example, we may believe that if things don’t go the way we anticipate, everything will fall apart, we will lose out on opportunities, or we will be criticized by others.

    One way we can counteract this attitude is by becoming more comfortable with the unknown. You can only ever influence a certain amount of any situation you’re in, whether that’s work, money, or relationships.

    I have become more comfortable with the unknown by journaling about my fears over time. By seeking out counterexamples of when your fears haven’t been true (and they often aren’t), you can see how worries about the future are exaggerated by the brain, and you can start to gain more control over your emotions.

    It may also help to practice setting a wide range of goals, with varied levels of difficulty. Meeting the easier goals should fulfill your need to be in control and achieve, and working toward the more difficult goals will simply be a challenge to be creative, go above and beyond, and enjoy the uncertainty of things that are out of your control.

    4. Become friends with what you don’t love.

    Likewise, perfectionism is largely tied to the relationship you have with what you don’t accept about yourself.

    You probably know that acceptance is at the root of love. It’s therefore not surprising that people often advise you to love yourself when you’re dealing with internal conflict. Well, it sounds simple, but it’s never that easy, unfortunately. So I’m going to propose something more manageable: become friends with what you don’t love.

    If there are parts of yourself or your experience that you can’t accept or bring yourself to love, just befriend them. Ask what purpose the things you don’t like serve; become familiar with them the way you would a friend.

    Ease into the changing relationship you have with these harder-to-accept parts of yourself, and over time you’ll see a shift in your perspective that calms your anxiety around them.

    For example, I used to have an antagonistic relationship with my anxiety. The fact that I wasn’t always cool, calm, and collected, was something I found hard to accept, and it created internal conflict and (obviously) more anxiety. When I was able to see that anxiety was just a part of my brain was trying to help me, I was able to accept it. And over time I even started to appreciate this quirky part of myself.

    5. Reassess how you measure your success.

    If your perfectionism is driven by the belief that you’re not successful enough, then it’s not necessarily you that needs to change. It could be that the way you’re measuring success needs to be reassessed.

    For example, it’s common that we compare ourselves to others, and while we’re often told to focus on ourselves, making social comparisons in specific situations—such as workplace evaluations or in competitive sports—does have some (albeit limited) utility. If we didn’t make these comparisons, it would be difficult to see how we were improving and in what roles we could most help the group.

    When you start to generalize this idea to the rest of your life, however, that’s when it becomes a problem. If you start to tell yourself that so-and-so’s life is better than yours or that he or she is more successful than you, that’s almost always a generalization. What makes a life better? What does success mean? Are we talking about financial achievements? Free time? Deep relationships? Take a closer look at how success could be more effectively defined in your life.

    My own definition of success used to be based on how well I compared to people in my life in standardized measures (money, relationships, novel experiences etc.) Now I see success as how well I’m able to find meaning in the present moment, stay motivated for the future, and spend my time working on something that helps me, the people I love, and the rest of the world.

    All of the elements of my definition may not be relevant to anyone else, but because they are more fluid and flexible, and can grow with my personality, they prevent me from falling into the habit of perfectionism.

    To bring this all full circle, consider this: You can be average in one area and successful in another. This doesn’t mean you don’t have value, are not worthy or love or respect, and don’t deserve some down time every once in a while.

    Being average is normal, and it’s not an indicator of worth. You have inherent value just as you are. And if you should want to obsess about a project or be a little bit of a perfectionist every now and then, that’s fine. But be driven by the love of the creative process itself, not the anxiety that you can never do enough.

    What experience have you had with perfectionism? Have you used any of these strategies to find more peace of mind? Let us know in the comments—we’d love to hear from you!

  • How I Found Happiness by Facing the Past I Worked So Hard to Escape

    How I Found Happiness by Facing the Past I Worked So Hard to Escape

    “Ten years from now, make sure you can say you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it.” ~Mandy Hale

    I spent most of my youth trying to escape. From the mother who drank too much and the violent men she dated and from the kids at school who made fun of me for wearing the same clothes every week.

    I felt shame and guilt because I believed that my circumstances defined who I was, which meant that I was unimportant, unworthy even.

    So, I created elaborate imaginary worlds where I was smart, successful, and often saved the day. Where I could pretend to be someone else and hide from my real life. By doing this, I buried all the emotions I had relating to my past.

    But these worlds faded as I grew older and needed a new escape. That’s when I decided that I’d stop pretending to be the overachieving smart girl and instead would become her. This way, I could focus on all my achievements and avoid my negative emotions .

    For a time, it worked. I dove headfirst into books, studied hard, and became the overachiever I’d set out to be. This led me to college, then to law school, and finally into the “real” world where I got a high-paying job with a prestigious law firm.

    I finally realized that my past experiences and circumstances didn’t define who I was. Yet I still didn’t quite know what did. So I redefined myself based on my achievements, since this made me feel important.

    But several years into my law practice, my achievement-based self-worth was working against me. I was running myself ragged. On paper I seemingly had “it all,” yet I felt stressed out, exhausted, and deeply unhappy. All the feelings of unworthiness had come rushing back.

    I couldn’t keep up. Lawyers are smart and successful people, and I realized that there would always be someone smarter and more successful than me—which meant I would always feel unworthy.

    Although I knew that my past didn’t define who I was, I was beginning to understand that my reaction to it did. By running away from my past and refusing to deal with the pain it had caused, I’d inadvertently allowed it to have power over me.

    I needed to process the feelings I’d been burying so that I could finally move on. But that terrified me. I was worried that facing my past and the emotions that came with it would change me and negatively affect my relationships (especially my marriage).

    So, I convinced myself that I should keep going as I was and that I didn’t have much choice. To make myself feel better, I blamed the legal profession, my law firm, and even some of my colleagues for my misery.

    Until one evening my husband, who was tired of hearing my complaints, told me to do something about it. Although I don’t remember the exact words he used, I remember clearly what I heard: it was all my fault.

    Of course, he wasn’t trying to blame me. He was trying to tell me to deal with my emotions and my situation instead of continuing to live in misery.

    After going to bed mad, I awoke the next morning with a new understanding. I finally appreciated what my husband was trying to tell me and knew that he was right. I had a choice. I needed to choose to heal my pain—no one could do it for me.

    That’s when I discovered that doing nothing is a choice, and that choosing to ignore my past and the pain that came with it was changing me into someone I didn’t like.

    I complained incessantly and was moody. My husband felt the brunt of my negativity. In fact, we were spending more time apart. If I didn’t change course, my marriage could be irreparably harmed.

    It was time to take responsibility for my own happiness and renew my self-esteem, and that meant revisiting my past.

    My history had obviously influenced my decisions, how I regarded myself, and how I viewed the world around me. The story I’d been telling myself about my past and how it had shaped me was a key piece to my current self-esteem issues and unhappiness. However, this was happening on a subconscious level. I needed to make an active choice.

    I took time to remember the events from my childhood that I’d worked so hard to bury. When doing this, I focused on how they made me feel and why I felt that way. Then I asked myself what lessons I wanted to take from these experiences.

    Processing the emotions I’d been holding in for so long was freeing. I was able to regard my life’s experiences as what they really were—things that had happened to and around me that I had no control over. I chose what I wanted to take from them and created a new story for myself based on that.

    For example, for years I didn’t understand why I felt powerless anytime I sensed myself being even slightly pinned in, weighted down, or stuck. Any time that I felt this way, I rebelled in unhealthy ways. Going through this process helped me realize that, because I’d felt like a caged bird with no escape in sight as a child, I have a deep-seated need to feel unrestricted.

    I identified what causes me to feel this way (including why I felt so caged within my career at that time) and how to make decisions—both personally and professionally—so that I don’t inadvertently again end up feeling trapped. Now I know that this helpless feeling is a sign to pause and assess what’s going on so that I can quickly change course.

    I also learned that, because I tried to “escape” so often during my youth, I often felt disconnected from those around me. Never again will I feel that way. Connecting with others is now one of my top core values, and I strive to cultivate deep connections with family, friends, and even colleagues.

    Finally, the guilt and shame I felt while watching my mother get beaten while drowning herself with alcohol made me feel weak. I now know that my experiences helped me develop mental and emotional strength and resiliency.

    Instead of feeling ashamed of my past and worried about what others might think, I’m proud of who I’ve become because of what I went through. I now consider myself an emotionally strong powerhouse who stands up and fights fiercely for herself and others. I’ve re-written my story.

    Contrary to what I originally believed, this process didn’t negatively affect my relationships or require me to leave my career. But it did make me a more positive and happier person. And, although it wasn’t easy, it empowered me to take responsibility for my own happiness and taught me some huge life lessons.

    I now understand that I had to accept my past in order to release its hold over me and heal my pain, and that acceptance isn’t the same thing as being okay with something. I also learned that I get to create my own story about who I am and what my life’s experiences have taught me.

    I also discovered what it means to be happy.

    Most people think happiness is about being cheerful, positive, or laughing a lot. But positivity can be fake, and even people who are depressed laugh. And there are calm and serious folks who are happy.

    I define happiness as being content and satisfied with who and where you are, regardless of your circumstances.

    Because I know who I am, I’m able to make better decisions for myself and am content with my life, even when it gets messy. My perspective around happiness has helped me to get through many trying and scary times in my life, including during a year-long battle with an aggressive breast cancer.

    If you take nothing else from my story, please remember the following (especially during times when you know a change is in order, but you’re scared to take the plunge):

    1. You have a choice—about who you are, how you live, and whether you’re happy. Be sure you’re actively making a choice for yourself.

    2. Choosing is often hard. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be much of a choice. But don’t delude yourself into believing that doing nothing isn’t a choice, because it is. And there are risks involved with doing nothing, just like there are risks with making a change.

    3. You are not your past. Although your past helped shape you, you can choose how it shapes you going forward. These choices create the story you tell yourself and the world, which impacts your decisions—and ultimately shapes your life.

  • When I Stopped Competing, I Set Myself Free

    When I Stopped Competing, I Set Myself Free

    “With nothing to compare yourself to, aren’t you perfect?” ~Byron Katie

    I have never liked competition. Every time I compete, I feel pressured and disconnected from others. I love harmony, peace, collaboration, and win-win situations, kind of like “me happy, you happy.” I don’t need to watch another person lose the game to feel good about myself. I don’t need to dominate or put someone else down in order to feel superior and worthy.

    In some cultures, competing is perceived as a sign of ambition, power, and strength. Most of us grew up hearing constant comparisons, which turned into a habit during our adult lives:

    “Do I look better than her? I want to be slimmer.”

    “How much is he earning? I want more.”

    “Where does she live? I want a house at least that size.”

    And so on…

    In my home country, Romania, like in many other places, the schooling system was a fierce competition to get the best grades and be the first in the class. As a child, I remember spending an average of ten hours a day studying and doing homework during weekdays. I hardly had any time to play and relax.

    Teachers were always making comparisons between students, parents would compare their children to their friends’ or neighbors’ kids, and no one truly encouraged individual talents.

    As a result of this conditioning, I ended up struggling with serious self-esteem issues for many years. As a young woman, I didn’t see myself as good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, or successful enough, and I desperately tried to be perfect.

    When I wasn’t competing with other people, I was competing with myself. I was always striving to be the best friend I could be, the best daughter, or the best employee at work. Pleasing others was addictive because I felt validated whenever I heard “well done!” And then I wanted to do even better.

    I am not here to blame. I am not a victim. My parents did the best they could at the time, and society did the best it knew, so I am not blaming but instead looking for hidden and limiting beliefs that have worked against me. Here’s what I have realized I need to do:

    1. Stop competing with other people.

    “Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

    Our society often encourages competition. There are some circumstances when we have no choice but to compete—when applying for a new position at work or attending job interviews, for example. However, there are situations when we make the rules, and the choice is entirely up to us. We can live our own lives and mind our own journey, or we can choose to compete with others over who’s more attractive, wealthier, happier, or more successful.

    During my single years, I often compared myself to other women. Most of them seemed settled; they were married and had the house, the men, the kids, and the dog. I used to feel like a failure, as if something were wrong with me. I met my husband when I was thirty-six. We were two Romanians working in Asia, for the same company. Small world, indeed. We’ve been happily married for four years now.

    So here what I’ve learned: Everyone is on their own path, and we all do what’s right for ourselves, in our own time. I believe we live in a supportive Universe where everything unfolds perfectly—at the right time, in the right place. Comparing ourselves to others is an infinite source of stress and frustration, and it doesn’t serve us well.

    2. Stop competing against myself.

    “Doing your best is more important than being the best.” ~Zig Ziglar

    Perfection is nothing but pure fiction, an illusion created by our minds. It’s also a learned practice. Most of us were raised to constantly strive to become better people—to focus on our flaws and perceived limitations—and we either take our strengths for granted or aren’t even aware of them.

    While we are all learning from our experiences and mistakes, we also need to be aware of our gifts and talents. We need to celebrate our uniqueness and detach ourselves from the toxic habit of comparing ourselves to others.

    Yet here I am, in my forties, still reading about infinite ways to become a better human. With so much focus on the need for improvement, particularly in the personal development industry, I wonder when I am ever supposed to turn into the best version of myself and find peace.

    So I’ve stopped competing with myself. I refuse to fight against myself so that I can reach the end of the tunnel, and I am no longer waiting for the magical day when I will become perfect and faultless.

    Why turn my life into a never-ending competition? True friendship is not about competing against each other. It’s about support and collaboration. Why act as my competitor when I can be my own best friend?

    As the Chinese proverb says, “Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”

    If I am to spend my precious time waiting to grow into the best of myself, there will always be something to change, add, fix, or transform so that I can finally feel whole and complete.

    Life doesn’t have to be such a daily struggle. I don’t have to fix myself because I am not broken.

    I embrace the entire repertoire of my humanity with self-love and compassion. I choose not to be a “work in progress.” My desire for growth is about taking each day as an opportunity to learn more about life and myself.

    That’s how I discover who I really am and what brings me genuine happiness and fulfillment. By releasing old patterns and limiting beliefs that don’t serve me well, I get closer to my real human essence. My life is all about experiencing things as they come. It is a journey of self-discovery, not self-improvement.

    Since I changed my perspective, I’ve stopped beating myself up. I now talk to myself kindly. I treat myself with dignity and respect. I know I am worthy of the best things life has to offer, and it is my birthright to be happy. My happiness is nothing to compete or fight for.

    I also choose to see myself as perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect. I celebrate my mistakes as much-needed opportunities for growth. I celebrate both success and failure because this is what makes me wiser. I treat every life experience as an opportunity to learn new things about myself and other people.

    Furthermore, I’ve learned to forgive myself for my mistakes in the same way I forgive others, knowing I am also human. As a student at the school of life, I will sometimes rise and sometimes fall, and that is okay. I no longer strive to become the best version of myself. Instead, I always do the best I can. When I know I’ve done the best I could, there’s no room for regrets. Whenever I know better, I do better.

    I am enough and worthy, so I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. Not even to myself. Newborns and babies do not compete against each other. They love and approve of themselves as they are. In our competition-oriented society, we need to remind ourselves more of our true nature, which is balanced, loving, and peaceful.

    I believe the world needs fewer fighters and competitors. The world needs more givers, peacemakers, and soul nurturers, and it also needs more compassion.

    The day I stopped competing against myself and others, I set myself free.

    Artwork by Rebecca Freeman

  • People Take Different Roads to Happiness

    People Take Different Roads to Happiness

  • How to Release Emotions Stuck in Your Body and Let Go of the Pain

    How to Release Emotions Stuck in Your Body and Let Go of the Pain

    “The human mind is a relational and embodied process that regulates the flow of energy and information.” ~Daniel J. Siegel

    We are emotional creatures, and we were born to express emotions freely and openly. Somewhere along the way, however, many of us learned to repress emotions, especially those deemed “negative,” in order to fit in, earn love, and be accepted. This was my experience.

    I grew up in a home where the motto was “Children are to be seen, not heard.” There was little emotional expression allowed, let alone accepted. No one was there to validate or help us process emotions in a healthy way. Anger was met with anger, fear went unacknowledged, and there was plenty of shame to go around.

    My parents didn’t model how to deal with difficult emotions, as they struggled with that themselves. When those emotions showed up, I often felt overwhelmed and inadequate, ashamed of my failure to be a “good girl.”

    I learned to bury my pain deep inside, feeling invisible, ashamed, angry, alone, and unable to ask for what I needed. Trying to hide the pain—from others and myself—I built walls, put on masks, and soldiered on. For better or worse.

    My pain was buried so deep, I didn’t realize it was there until I had my own children. Motherhood opened up old wounds, the house of cards fell apart, and I began to unravel.

    In my thirties, faced with growing angst and creeping depression—and motivated to be the best parent I could be to my children—I began to deal with repressed memories and old emotional residue that has left me suffering from C-PTSD, chronic back pain, sciatica, headaches, and anxiety.

    As a child, I hid from the emotional pain by delving into the world of books, music, and academics. As an adult, I realized I was strong enough to face it. I wasn’t a little child anymore; I didn’t have to hide. Now I was more mature and had the resources I needed to finally face the pain that used to overwhelm my young brain—and begin to heal it.

    The truth is, we all hide our emotions occasionally. We pretend, avoid, and deny uncomfortable emotions in an effort of self-preservation, as a defense mechanism.

    We do this most often with difficult emotions like shame, fear, or anger. When we experience events that emotionally overwhelm us and we’re unable to process what is happening, accept our emotions, and express them through our body and mind, we hide them deep inside us where others can’t see them. And we end up hiding them from ourselves too. Yet, they’re still there.

    The unresolved emotions get trapped in our body, where they build and fester, draining our energy, leading to burnout, emotional imbalance, and eventually disease. When we chronically repress emotions, we create toxicity in our body, mind, and heart.

    This unprocessed emotional energy is stored in our organs, muscles, and tissues. It leads to inflammation and chronic health problems, and it undermines our overall well-being.

    3 Steps to Processing Emotional Energy Stuck in Your Body

    The opposite of repression is expression. In order to process our emotional distress and move it through and out of our body so it doesn’t get stuck there, we need to learn to express our emotions in a healthy way, in the body and mind. But first, we need to learn to recognize and accept our feelings as they come and go.

    Step 1: Recognize (self-awareness)

    The challenge is to recognize the emotion and feel it in your body. This is where mindfulness comes in. The goal is to notice what is happening within our body, accept it, and feel it fully, without judgment.

    If you’ve ever come across Tara Brach’s teachings on radical acceptance, the practice of R.A.I.N. should sound familiar. R.A.I.N. stands for recognize, allow, investigate, and nourish (with self-compassion), and it “directly de-conditions the habitual ways in which you resist your moment-to-moment experience,” according to Brach.

    Buddhist teachings tell us that human suffering is caused by aversion and resistance to what is happening. Acceptance is liberating, and the practice of R.A.I.N. teaches us to accept our moment-to-moment experience instead of running from it. It teaches us to face any difficulty head-on, with self-compassion and the understanding that it will eventually pass.

    We have to feel it to heal it—we have to fully experience the emotion in order to process and integrate it into our experience.

    But we must feel it in the body; this is the critical point. As Brach writes, “If the process of including difficult emotions in awareness stops at the level of cognitive understanding without a fully embodied experience, the genuine acceptance, insight, and inner freedom that are the essence of true healing will not be complete.”

    Practice mindfulness to get better at recognizing your feelings and observing the bodily sensations connected to those feelings as they come and go throughout the day. Offer yourself self-compassion as you go through more difficult emotions.

    PRACTICE:

    Sit still for a few minutes with your eyes closed. Listen to your body and become curious.

    What does your body feel like right now? Is there any pressure or tingling? Where? Do you feel heavy, hot, contracted, warm, or cold? What is the texture, weight, and shape of the sensations you notice in your body? What emotions are those sensations connected to? Can you breathe into the parts that call your attention? What do those parts of your body want to tell you? What do they want?

    Step 2: Respond (self-expression)

    Emotions need to be expressed to be processed. The goal is to move the energy of emotion through and out the body so we can let it go.

    This self-expression must be authentic and embodied. Remember, true healing occurs when body and mind integrate, so express the emotion on the bodily level first and foremost.

    Still sitting, ask yourself: What does this emotion you just connected with need from you? What feels right in this moment? What do you need?

    Maybe you feel the need to cry, scream into a pillow, go for a swim, walk or run, dance it out, hit a punching bag, do some gardening, tapping, yoga or TRE, paint your feelings out, or simply breathe deeply while facing the sun—whatever feels cathartic in that moment, do it.

    You will free the poisonous emotion that you carried within yourself and free yourself from its shackles.

    Follow this step with one of the best forms of emotional healing—journaling. Writing can be a very therapeutic experience of self-discovery, reconnecting with our true self, and processing our deepest feelings and emotions.

    When we write, we give our internal world a voice. We process and make sense of what is happening within us and around us. And we gain perspective; by writing about our fears and hurts, we can look at them from a distance, detach from their grip, and eventually let them go. That release can be truly healing.

    Practice journaling every day to get better at expressing and processing your feelings. Don’t censor or judge yourself; let it all out, completely unfiltered. Over time, your journal will become a safe space for you to free yourself, get unstuck, and move forward.

    We often don’t have the time and space to process emotions in the moment, so make sure you allow yourself the space to feel the emotions you’ve had through the day and journal about it at the end of each day.

    WRITING PROMPT

    What is happening in your life right now that you wish you could change? What is the biggest source of frustration? As you write, notice the sensations in your body. Tune into the parts that are numb, in pain, or frozen. What are they trying to tell you? What needs healing, attention, or change?

    Step 3: Reset (self-care)

    If we’ve habitually neglected our bodies and ignored our emotions, we have to re-dedicate ourselves to body-mind self-care and indulge in healing habits that will bring in the feeling of well-being.

    The goal is to realign back with your authentic self, reset back to a relaxed and open state, and come back into wellness and balance.

    Take time to slow down and be alone, get out into nature, make art, listen to music while you cook your favorite dinner, meditate to cleanse your mind and relax your body, or take a bubble bath or a nap to restore. Take good care of yourself to awaken to life’s joy and simple pleasures that will nourish your body, mind, and soul.

    My Own Healing Journey

    When I decided to take charge of my own healing, I had no idea where to start. A lifelong bookworm, I quickly discovered writing to be therapeutic. It became my refuge, a place where I could connect with my inner world in an authentic way. Writing became my most trusted way of processing emotions I didn’t even know I harbored inside since childhood. I discovered shame, anger, fear, grief, and eventually, self-compassion.

    With mindfulness, I learned to allow my pain to surface, if only for a brief time, then surround it with tender love and care. My pain was a part of me, and I was done running from it; it was time I faced it.

    I learned to sense into my body, little by little, as the anxiety of reconnecting with my physical sensations was very powerful. But I realized the only way out was through—through the body—so in order to move the stuck emotions that had a tight grip over me for decades, I had to allow and accept them; I had to feel the anger, the shame, the grief.

    Slowly, I learned to give my inner child the support she never received. I listened to and validated her pain—and helped her let go of it. I learned to love and accept her. And I finally learned to love and accept myself.

    Healing is a taxing process. Remember to give yourself all the care and compassion you would give to a friend doing this hard work. Offer yourself understanding, love, and care. This is hard work, and you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got.

    Trapped emotions get in our way. They sabotage our efforts to create the life we want and make us miserable along the way. Freeing this emotional energy stuck in our bodies can shift our lives in a positive way. It’s healing and liberating. And you are worth it!

  • Why I’ve Stopped Hiding My Struggles

    Why I’ve Stopped Hiding My Struggles

    “The moment that you feel, just possibly, you are walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind, and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself… that is the moment you might be starting to get it right.” ~Neil Gaiman

    The road seemed to go on forever.

    Although it was only about 8:30 a.m., the summer sun was already blazing in the sky, shining down with such intensity I felt like an ant under a merciless magnifying glass.

    Seven miles into an eight-mile run and growing more and more tired with each step, I faced the final stretch along a tarmac path bustling with fellow runners, dog walkers, cyclists, and the occasional rollerblader.

    “Not… far… to… go,” I repeated to myself, as I trudged along with all the grace of a baby elephant. As faster and leaner runners passed me, I noticed my mind was slipping into self-comparison mode, but then I pulled myself back to the present moment.

    As I became more present, I observed.

    I observed the slight twinge in my left shin and the sound of birdsong from nearby bushes. To my surprise, I observed another more interesting phenomenon, an old pattern I thought I had beaten.

    As I passed other people walking, running, cycling, and blading in the opposite direction, I noticed my demeanor changed. I went from running like a baby elephant to galloping like a gazelle, from looking like the newbie runner I am to pretending to be a seasoned professional athlete.

    In the brief moments my path crossed with strangers, I hid my struggle.

    My posture improved and the grimace on my face turned into a confident smile.

    But why?

    Why did I feel the need to hide my struggle and present a more “I have it all together” version of myself?

    I pondered this question for a few days after this intriguing observation. Why do any of us feel the need to appear more together than we are?

    The answer I came up with is this…

    We hide our struggles because we’ve learned that showing signs of struggle or weakness is a bad thing.

    However, I believe this couldn’t be further from the truth.

    In our early lives, we were more than willing to show signs of struggle. When we were tired, upset, or frustrated, we communicated exactly how we felt (through cries and tantrums). A little bit older, when confused in the classroom, we were more likely to put our hands up and ask for help.

    We knew at a young age that struggling was a part of life, and a sign we were soon going to learn something new.

    Sadly, as we became older, it became more and more unacceptable to struggle and fail. Teachers and parents became less sympathetic and patient as their expectations increased. We began striving for perfection, which, of course, is unattainable.

    To wash away the false idea that showing signs of struggle is a bad thing, we need to remember these three important truths.

    1. Struggling is normal.

    It seems so darn obvious, but when I’m hiding my struggles, I’m denying the truth that struggling is normal. I’m buying into stories like “I should know better,” “I shouldn’t feel like this,” and “I should look like I have it all together.”

    The bottom line is, we’re human, meaning we’re all imperfect and we all struggle. No one has it all together. No one has a perfect life. And no one feels happy, confident, and positive all the time.

    Rather than feel ashamed and hide our struggles, we need to recognize that struggles are human and appreciate ourselves for doing our best in any given moment.

    2. Unless we show we’re struggling, we’re unable to receive help.

    Whenever I pretend I’m not struggling, the door to receive help is closed.

    In my early twenties, I went through a hard time. Facing financial struggles, daily anxiety, and dwindling confidence, I felt like I’d fallen down a deep, dark hole. I’d wake each day feeling helpless. But for almost two years, I lived a lie, in complete denial about my life situation. To the outside world, all was well.

    Eventually, it got too much and I had to get real. It started with a simple phone conversation with a lady from a debt agency. In two minutes, I felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. This was the start of admitting I was struggling and getting some help.

    No matter what our struggles are, right now there are people who can (and want to) help. No one could help me unless I helped myself first, and it started with getting real.

    3. Showing we’re struggling gives others permission to show they’re struggling too.

    The moment we take off the masks and make ourselves vulnerable, we give others permission to do the same.

    After tackling my financial struggles, I began to open up about my anxiety. I remember being sat in a pub with a close friend of mine when I decided to share with him how I’d been struggling with an anxious mind.

    His response shocked me: “That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling.” For years, we’d both been struggling with the same thing but had never once spoken about how we’d felt. How sad.

    When we share our struggles with those around us, we give them permission to voice theirs, if they wish to share. We may never know just how life-changing that permission may be to someone. They may feel alone, overwhelmed, or even at the end of their rope, and we could change it all by giving them an opportunity to receive our understanding and support.

    —

    Now when I lace up my running shoes, I leave the mask at home. And if I’m struggling at work, in my relationships, or in any other area of my life, I let other people in.

    I no longer pretend to be fine when I’m not because when I’ve been honest in the past, only good has happened.

  • What Heartbreak Taught Me About Creating My Own Happiness

    What Heartbreak Taught Me About Creating My Own Happiness

    “We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~Stephen Chbosky

    A few years ago I was completely heartbroken, and I thought I would never find love. I’d gone through a string of painful breakups over a number of years, but I thought I’d finally met someone I could be with for the long haul. I’d been dating this guy for a few months, and everything seemed to be going smoothly, until one day he stopped calling. Just like that, he disappeared from my life. It was as if we had never met.

    What was worse, he didn’t tell me why he left. Whatever it was, I’m sure I would have understood and carried on with my life if I had some sense of closure. What killed me inside was being left without knowing why.

    For the following year, I was tormented by thoughts such as “Is there something wrong with me?” and “Maybe I’m not good enough.”

    I had this sense of guilt, as if I had done something to cause him to leave. I was constantly trying to puzzle things together in my mind and figure out where I’d gone wrong.

    I felt completely abandoned, alone, and rejected. Meeting new men was hard because of my prevalent fear of rejection. I was scared to get hurt, so I put up a wall so tall that falling in love with anyone again was out of the question. My mind would automatically go to “What if he leaves too?”

    My heart was torn between, deep down, wanting to find a good man and not wanting another heartbreak. I didn’t like the spiral of fear I was living in; it caused me to close down and feel unhappy with my life and myself.

    The most challenging part about recovering after the heartbreak was believing in myself again. I felt like I had lost a part of myself. It was like I had a bottomless abyss inside. Every morning upon waking I was reminded of the pain because the man I had fallen in love with was no longer in my life.

    What I Learned

    One day it became clear to me that I had been agonizing over my ex for far too long. I was unhappy with my life and in need of a drastic change, so I decided to put an end to my struggle. How? I started to pay close attention to the kind of thoughts I was thinking on a daily basis and how they made me feel.

    I noticed that my daily thoughts focused on the fact that he’d left and rarely centered on reconnecting with myself. I obsessively thought, “He’s not here anymore,” “I will never find someone,” and “I’m not good enough.” These thoughts were playing like a broken record in the back of my mind, controlling me and limiting my life.

    Because I gave my attention to these thoughts, they acted as a constant reminder of what I was missing and how miserable I felt. It was as if I were keeping that pain alive by reminding myself of the heartbreak every day.

    Here I was, with a perfect opportunity to be single and enjoy life, but all I could think about was the pain of being abandoned. Sure, I needed some time to grieve, but this had gone on for far too long. Deep down I knew it wasn’t serving me, and I needed to put an end to it!

    The ah-ha moment came when I realized I had the power to choose whether to continue feeling the pain of his absence or to focus on the happiness I was suppressing. What good would it do to continue feeling sorry for myself and unworthy of finding a good man? Obsessing about what I’d lost and feeding my self-doubt was a surefire way to feel unhappy.

    For once, I put myself and my happiness first, and that’s how I fell in love with myself again.

    My thinking was, yes, the man I loved left, but he did not take my happiness with him. My happiness is not dependent on anyone or anything, and no one can ever take that away from me.

    The first step I took was to reconnect with myself by changing the way I looked at love.

    I decided to be more vigilant about the thoughts that played in my mind and how they made me feel. Whenever thoughts such as “He’s not here anymore” came up and I started to feel a hint of sadness, I would remind myself, “I’m grateful we met; because of him I know I deserve so much better.”

    Or, when the thought “I will never find someone” crept in and I felt sorry for myself, I would think, “I know he’s out there somewhere; it’s just a matter of time.”

    The second step I took was to reconnect with my happiness by doing things that made me feel good.

    Every morning when I woke up I asked myself, “What’s something I could do today that would make me happy?” Even if it were as simple as listening to a song I liked (one that didn’t remind me of him, of course!), it made a huge difference in my day.

    I became more playful with life and dared to explore my adventurous side. Being single gave me the time and freedom to do the things I passionately wanted to do. I reconnected with my girlfriends and together we skydived, traveled, and had weekend adventures getting lost in the California wine country while enjoying all the different types of wine.

    With time, I noticed that I felt alive when I shifted the way I looked at love and made time to do things I enjoyed.

    Heartbreaks disconnect us from our potential to be ourselves and live our best life, because, in the midst of the chaos, we lose sight of who we really are. It is up to us to reconnect with our inner self once we feel like we’re ready to move on.

    Realizing that no one can ever take away my happiness made me feel empowered. I began to view life with optimism, excitement, and curiosity for what my future held.

    I also felt a deep sense of self-respect because I was no longer going to let just any man walk into my life. For the past few years, I’d let men seduce me with sweet words even though they didn’t follow up with their actions, because I thought that was the best I could do. Like Stephen Chbosky quote says, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I knew I deserved so much better, and I didn’t mind waiting to meet the right man.

    Love was no longer something to “find” because it came from within just like a spring of water flowing from the earth. The self-love and happiness I had reconnected with made me feel worthy, but most importantly, I felt whole. I was genuinely happy with or without a man.

    If I were to meet someone, I wouldn’t be hoping for him to complete me because I was already complete. Rather, there was a longing that I could meet a man who would also feel complete with himself, so when we came together, we could create something bigger and better. The vision of two complete people lovingly joining forces quickly became my new fantasy.

    My outlook on life changed when I shifted my focus to reconnecting with myself rather than attaining what was missing in my life. I became genuinely happy, playful, and open to meeting new men because I knew that no matter where I went, my happiness would always be right there with me.

    If you’re dealing with heartbreak and feeling like I was, ask yourself these questions to help you reconnect with yourself and your happiness again:

    1. When it comes to love, what negative thoughts come up on a daily basis?

    2. How does it affect your life when you give power to these thoughts? What do you do or not do when you obsess on them?

    3. How can you challenge and/or reframe these thoughts so that you feel empowered instead of defeated?

    4. What activities make you feel good? Aim to do one of your feel-good activities every day, even if you do them alone.

    The key is to remember you have the power to choose to focus on your happiness.

  • What to Do If You’re Tired of Feeling Half-Alive

    What to Do If You’re Tired of Feeling Half-Alive

    “Who you are is what you settle for, you know?” ~Janis Joplin

    I spent several years in a state of light depression without noticing.

    Why was it only “light”? Because I was functional: I went to work every morning, I managed to feed myself (mostly with convenience food, but still). My house was reasonably livable, though far from sparkling clean. And I wasn’t particularly sad, nor was I ever even remotely suicidal. It was simply like my life had been wrapped in a thick layer of cotton wool, with nothing much ever getting through to me.

    Why didn’t I notice? Because I told myself I liked it this way. I was honestly convinced that I was happy going to work every day, coming home in the evening. and then sitting down to read or play a computer game.

    I’d kicked my friends out of my life, and any required travel was an inconvenience, even if it was to see my family. I preferred being alone, and if it hadn’t been for my online gaming friends, I would have had no social contact at all.

    I’d become highly proficient at appearing “normal” to my colleagues at work. I even invented friends I was seeing at evenings or weekends so they wouldn’t think I was a loner. To be honest, I can’t even remember how I justified this to myself; in hindsight, it seems like I refused to even think about it. Denial can be one of the symptoms of depression, and I was very good at lying to myself.

    The Awakening

    There was an outward reason for my isolation, and that’s a sum of money I was paying back from a near-bankruptcy years earlier. I simply didn’t have the cash for a lavish wardrobe or nights out on the town because every cent I earned went into repayments. But that’s only half the truth—if I’d wanted to see friends, I could have met them for home-cooked dinners, after all.

    The truth is that I used my financial situation as an excuse, yet another reason not to see the depression that had swallowed me whole. Thankfully, the shell began to crack when this reason/excuse disappeared: I had finally paid back all my dues and began thinking about leaving behind my soul-eating, high-pressure job and moving back to the place where my soul feels at home: the West (of Ireland).

    I found a work-from-home role and made the big move across the country. I now had much less money every month, but you can’t possibly put a price tag on the quality of life in the absence of stress. I began to sleep better, eat better, take an interest in my environment again—it was like my entire being was breathing a slow, deep sigh of relief.

    In the following months, I re-connected with my friends, started dancing again (something I’d loved to do all my life, but “forgotten about” during the dark years), and, feeling rested for the first time in years, got curious about trying out new things.

    Healing Through Passion

    It took a lot of time. I needed to heal physically as well as psychologically; my body was in the worst shape it had ever been in, not just because of the pounds I’d piled on from all the junk food, but also from spending the last years in a sitting position, apart from walking to the car and back.

    I slept. I fell in love with whole, gorgeous foods. I took up mindfulness meditation. Then I slowly, very gradually started exercising, and when I say “slowly,” I mean five minutes of stretching on some days and nothing else.

    These first few months were mostly about well-being, feeling good and comfortable, which astonished me because I hadn’t even realized how long these feelings had been absent.

    As the healing progressed, my emotions returned. I’d been numb for years, but now I remembered that I’d always been a highly sensitive and highly emotional person. There were some very dark weeks to get through, in which I mourned all the wasted time and some actions I was ashamed of, such as not being there for my best friend when she needed me. Gradually, I made it through the swamp, and on the other side, I re-discovered my long lost enthusiasm.

    I have some rather unusual interests, and now I threw myself into them. I signed up for training in traditional archery and historical sword fighting. I kept exercising and dancing every day. Suddenly, I began to experience levels of happiness the likes of which I wouldn’t have thought possible a year before.

    What I’ve Learned

    I wish I could tell you that I lived happily ever after, but that’s just not how human lives work (and anyone who tells you differently is usually trying to sell you something). The point is not to be eternally joyful, in any case; it’s to experience the full spectrum of human emotions and to show up and sit with them as they occur.

    Striving for happiness and joy is a worthy pursuit, however. Like most things, it’s a habit that can be cultivated. I’ve learned that one shortcut to happiness is passion, or rather, radically prioritizing your passion (or multiple passions).

    I know this isn’t something that’s encouraged in our society. We’re brought up to be responsible and put duty first; work for a living, pay the bills, be a good citizen. While I don’t debate that these things are important, I’ll humbly submit that we’ve got the priorities wrong. What good is making a living when you’re just going to exist and survive, rather than thrive?

    The lure of mediocrity is strong. I see it all around and it’s most pronounced in my own story. If settling were an art then I’d be its master; I was prepared to settle for such a reduced version of my own life, I find it barely recognizable even from the distance of a mere three years.

    The Pursuit Of Happiness

    The way to fight this is to remember what truly matters in life. Our own well-being, our loved ones, and that elusive state, happiness. To leap out of bed every morning, looking forward to doing things that light me up, is something I’ll never, ever take for granted again.

    In order to achieve this state, we need to radically and consistently fight against the current that threatens to pull us back into settling. Life isn’t meant to be “all right” or “not so bad.” It’s meant to be ravishing, beautiful, and filled with joy.

    Whenever I feel myself slipping, I pull myself back up by putting a passion front and center. It takes some courage to say “no” to anything else until my passions are looked after, scheduled, and happening. Only then will I look at social commitments and distractions. The only thing I consider with a comparable priority to passion is my work—but then, the work I do today is a passion, too.

    I certainly don’t know everything, but I do know this: If I don’t fall in love with life all over again at least once a week, then I’m doing it wrong. It may feel like constantly pedaling a bicycle up the hill, but boy is the view from the top worth the effort.

    How You Get There

    If you feel like you’re just getting through your days, take some time to discover what needs to be in place in your life for you to prioritize passion. For me, it was the job and where I lived, but what you need to do might look completely different.

    Take some time to “audit” every area of your life—work, finances, self, relationships, health—and find out where you need to make changes in order to accommodate your passion(s).

    You may not be able to do everything at once, and that’s fine. It took a long time for me to be ready for my radical downsizing. You may also need to accept that there are some things you can’t change any time soon—if, for example, you’d like to move but you need to stay where you are for your family. The point isn’t to change everything, but rather to change something.

    Make a realistic plan to put all your steps into practice, and set down a time period for them too. Get the support you need, be it from a professional coach or from friends or loved ones.

    Just be sure to insert passion today while working toward your plan. If all you do is to plan, you postpone your joy to the future and never achieve it in the present moment.

    It’s always possible to find pockets of time. Be ruthless with this! Cancel other commitments if necessary, because your well-being comes first, and being joyful also enables you to be a better partner, parent, friend, or co-worker to others.

  • What to Ask Yourself When You Feel Overwhelmed, Stressed, or Anxious

    What to Ask Yourself When You Feel Overwhelmed, Stressed, or Anxious

    “Clear your mind. Your heart is trying to tell you something.” ~Unknown

    Words have incredible power. I’d like to share three little words that can unlock your inner magic. They can help you cut through the layers that stand in the way of your inner truth and help you get in touch with your highest self. The peaceful, compassionate, loving self that knows what you need in any given moment and wants to bring goodness to the world.

    But I better tell you now that they are simple words that may not seem earth shattering at first.

    These words have become part of my life in the last few months. When I am feeling tired, stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed I ask myself this simple question. It forces me to stop and listen to myself. Then I can take action from a calm and peaceful state.

    What Are These Three Words that Can Unlock Your Inner Magic?

    So what are the simple words I have found that help me to stop in the middle of stressful situations? How can I tune into the reality at the heart of every circumstance? With three little words, which form a simple question:

    What is so?

    Isn’t it often the simplest things that have the most profound impact? Allow me to share why these words have been so powerful for me.

    I am the mom of one high-energy and very curious four-year-old boy. We also happen to live in Japan, where I am a foreigner. Japan can be a stressful place for a foreign mom. I get overwhelmed. I misunderstand things. I feel out of control.

    I am a writer, but procrastination and the struggle to find the time to write kick my butt over and over again.

    Maybe you have those feeling too, whatever your circumstances.

    Learning to Make Choices to Respond Wisely

    There are key moments in the day when I have decisions to make. To be honest there was a time, not long ago, when I didn’t believe I could make those choices.

    There are moments when I would give in to procrastination when I should be taking action. Or moments when I would force myself to push through and do things when I need to sit and rest.

    Moments when I would get angry with my son when he needs me to be calm and help him process his own difficult emotions. Or moments when I would get stressed out by overcrowded places when I have no choice but to take my place among the crowds.

    There are voices that run through my head in those moments. They tell me things I should be doing or things other people shouldn’t be doing. I have a litany of judgments about how things should be different to what they are in the moments of my day.

    In those moments when I’m struggling, those voices come from somewhere other than my own inner wisdom. When I react poorly, it is often because I am more worried about what other people will think. My mind gets caught up in a million thoughts that do not serve me.

    I snap. I react. I get mad at people pushing me on a crowded escalator and push back. I become the thing I hate and judge myself along with everyone else.

    So I am learning to stop and take a deep breath and ask myself “What is so?”

    What Is So?

    These three words cause me to slow down long enough to listen to what’s going on with me. I may just be hungry or tired or distracted by something I read online that continues to run through my mind.

    If I am procrastinating on a writing project, for example, I need to listen through the fear and the doubt to the voice underneath. The voice that says, “You’ve got this. You are good enough. You are safe. Everything is okay. You have everything you need right here and now.”

    If I’m getting mad at how other people are behaving, perhaps it is because, as my husband always says, it’s their first time being human. Hell, maybe it’s my first time being human. We are all still practicing this humanity thing.

    Finding the Voice of Compassion

    And we all need to find the voice inside of us that is kind and compassionate. The voice that allows us to respond wisely to what life throws at us and not react out of our fear or worry.

    Few of us ever slow down enough to find that voice. We believe that the fear and doubt are the only emotions we are feeling; we are too afraid to dig beneath them. We find it hard to believe that the deeper reality, what is true and what is so, is always peace and love and goodness. We just need to sit with our feelings and listen to our highest self.

    We are experts at avoiding the unpleasant emotions. We never sit with the negative thoughts long enough to let them melt away. Facebook will happily offer up endless distractions. There’ll always be one more cup of coffee and another box of cookies.

    But if we always avoid the unpleasant feelings, we can never find our way through them.

    Acknowledging What’s Underneath the Fear and Negative Thoughts

    This simple question, “What is so?” frees me to acknowledge what is happening inside me. Invariably, I procrastinate when those ugly little words “I am not good enough” are raging unacknowledged within me.

    If I keep going and keep digging there might be a physical reason why I am not feeling in control and my best. I probably need to eat or drink or sleep or exercise. Maybe I need to sit down and journal through the feelings and find my equilibrium again.

    I’m still working on being the mom who responds calmly to whatever my son gets himself into instead of being the mom who screams “Don’t do that. Don’t touch that. WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!” Because what is so is that he is a healthy, happy four-year-old, and the light of my world.

    It takes practice to know that you have the power to act from love and not fear. It takes practice to strip away the anxious thoughts and find what is most deeply true in every moment.

    Will you join me and try it the next time you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed out?

    Stop, slow your breathing, and focus your attention inside your chest. What is so? What is so? What is so?

    You are alive. You are safe. You know what you need.

  • When You Feel Like You’re Going Nowhere and Life Has No Point

    When You Feel Like You’re Going Nowhere and Life Has No Point

    “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~Wayne Dyer

    How many days do you wake up feeling like you’re a hamster on a wheel? You brush your teeth, take a shower, drink your coffee, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch television, go to bed, and rinse and repeat.

    Do you wonder how you can keep going and keep everything together when it feels like you’re doing nothing, going nowhere, and living some life you weren’t meant for?

    Do you ever wonder what to do on those days where you feel like you can’t go on? On days where life seems to have no point? You’re going through the motions, but there is always an empty pit somewhere inside your soul that never seems to fill.

    It seems that no matter how hard you try, you end up in the same spot, in the same position having to start all over again, and your inability to change your messed up emotional patterns starts taking an excruciating toll.

    You wonder and think and read and try to break free from the subconscious battles within your mind, but the negative stranglehold has a strong grip and does not want to release you so easily.

    Maybe the pain has become intolerable, and instead of going away it has continued to eat away at your peace of mind bit by bit. But, then another day dawns and you’re still here and you live to start again.

    I have been in a cycle of rinse and repeat for more years than I care to remember. I have changed jobs at least ten times, apartments and locations twenty-three times, and boyfriends six times. I’ve had the same happy hour and the same weekends and the same soul-searching periods over and over and over again.

    I have tried to change all these external things because I figured changing the outside would change the inside. But like they always say, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

    Despite traveling the world, changing jobs, moving, and having relationships, I live my life in a little bubble because I feel safe there, and staying safe means being resistant to any real transformation. It doesn’t matter that I’ve changed my circumstances; the end result is always the same: I feel bored and empty and lost and alone.

    You feel bored and empty and lost and alone because you never really do anything different. Whether you stay stuck because you’re an introvert or you have social anxiety or you’re depressed or you’re lazy doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter is, change nothing and nothing will change.

    Look, I get it. I am a tried and true introvert, so developing relationships is exhausting. People think I’m extroverted because I can talk quite a bit one-on-one, but put me in a group and I’ll clam up. I become super anxious at parties or in large groups of people, preferring one-on-one in-depth interactions. Being an introvert makes life a little more challenging in a world that embraces and rewards extroversion.

    So, maybe there are days when you feel like you’re going nowhere and you don’t fit in and life has no point. But, you can change it, even if just a little. There are some little things you can do to change your patterns and your life.

    How Do You Keep Trying?

    First, you get up every damn day and say, “Today is a day for change” and you do your best and face the world, whether you want to or not. Every day you fight for yourself because if you don’t, no one else will. I know it’s hard and I know some days you want to stay in bed with the covers over your head. But, don’t do it. Get up. Go for a walk. Do something. Anything.

    Some days I force myself to get in the car and drive to the beach (okay, it’s only four miles) because I’m so comfortable in my apartment. Every time I get there I’m happy I did. I roll out my towels and read a book while listening to the waves crash, or I walk along the water’s edge watching the sand between my toes and squishing those weird little seaweed blobs.

    Second, you start becoming aware of the negative thought patterns in your mind and how they affect you when you get caught up in them. The truth is, you are reacting to events in your life in a way that is detrimental rather than helpful. Negativity breeds more negativity and keeps you stuck on that hamster wheel.

    I’m not saying it’s easy. I get it. Some days when I’m trying super hard to think positively, my mind says, “Yeah, I don’t care. I am going to feel or think this way anyway, so deal with it.” Some days I simply need to embrace how I feel instead of forcing myself to be positive. But I know I need to eventually shift my mindset or I’ll always be stuck. So, I keep trying. If you can’t change the way you see the world, then the world you see will never change.

    Recently I found myself on the verge of a breakup, a move, a deploying boyfriend, and no job. My head went into a tailspin worrying about what I would do or where I would go and why this was happening. But, with all the work I’ve been doing on myself, I decided to see everything in a new light.

    Maybe this was an opportunity for positive change instead of a devastating loss. I stopped worrying and started believing I would be okay. I was only able to do this because I have been practicing changing my perspective. Think of your mind as a muscle. If you strengthen it and work it out, it becomes stronger. If you let it sit there and wallow in self-pity, it never grows.

    I stopped focusing on the worst-case scenario, and do you know what happened? We didn’t break up. He signed for an apartment us, and I got a job within a week of his departure. I know things won’t always work out how I want them to just because I think positively, but I now believe I will be okay no matter what happens, and that’s making a huge difference.

    The same can be true for you.

    You may face unexpected challenges. We all do. Changing your mindset won’t guarantee that everything will be okay. But it will give you the insight and strength to believe that you will be okay and that you can handle what life dishes up. And it will also help you create a life that feels more fulfilling and less empty.

    The first step in any change is recognition. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Start to notice that you have a negative pattern of thinking that keeps you stuck. I’m guessing you will probably be amazed at how much and how often your mind wanders toward the negative.

    From there, start practicing mindfulness, which basically means you are aware of what you’re thinking, but you don’t get caught up in your thoughts. See if you can separate the negative thoughts from your being. Anyone who has studied meditation will tell you that you can use a technique to distance yourself from your thoughts. Try to place them in a balloon and watch them fly away.

    You are not your thoughts and feelings. You experience thoughts and feelings, but they don’t need to own you. I know this isn’t easy, but it is doable.

    Personally, my mind always sees deficit instead of abundance. Whether this came from years of sexual abuse or family upbringing or genetic coding, I’m not sure, and at this point I don’t really care why. What matters is that I want to change it because it has become exhausting to always be so unsatisfied.

    How Do You Effect All This Change?

    Tony Robbins says that change can happen in an instant, but I think that statement needs a little tweaking. I think the ability to change can happen in an instant. When you decide you want more or you deserve better or you become sick and tired of being sick and tired, then you have now opened the door to change.

    One way to start creating change is to change the words you use to describe how you’re feeling. Our language affects our emotions, and our emotions influence our choices. Tony Robbins offers a 10-Day Challenge that can help with this.

    I love this challenge because it forces you to take a hard, deep look at how you speak to yourself and how you treat yourself daily and even hourly.

    Next, try to cultivate more happiness in your life a little bit at a time. Research has shown that happiness is, in fact, a choice, and although you may have a certain “set point” of happiness, you do have the ability to make yourself happier by doing things like:

    Start meditating.

    Everyone must be spouting the benefits of meditation for a reason, right? Well, studies have shown that meditation can improve our health mentally and physically by reducing stress.

    You don’t have to turn into Buddha and sit under a tree for hours, but even five to ten minutes per day will give you a few moments of insightful reflection and peace. If you’re like me and have a wandering mind, start out with guided meditation because they’ll keep you more focused.

    A few of my favorites are The Honest Guys and Jason Stephenson.

    Begin a gratitude journal.

    Studies have shown that writing down three specific things you are grateful for every day for just twenty-one days will increase your happiness. Tiny Buddha has a great gratitude journal to get you started.

    Volunteer or find a way to help someone.

    Volunteering connects us to other people, and it can give us a sense of purpose. It can also be fun and enjoyable, if you choose something based on your interests, like working with kids in the arts or baking birthday cakes for underprivileged youth. Maybe you love animals but can’t afford one or aren’t home enough to take care of one, but you can take some time to volunteer at an animal shelter and help them find a furever home!

    You can likely find something that interests you at VolunteerMatch.org.

    Get out there and exercise.

    I love endorphins! If you’re type A and have a lot of energy, then the more energy you expend during exercise the happier you’ll be. If you hate the gym (like me), find something you enjoy doing whether it’s walking in the woods, doing yoga in the privacy of your own home, or joining a kayaking team. The options are endless.

    What about becoming a bad-ass by learning Krav Maga or starting martial arts? I mean, who doesn’t want to be as Zen as Bruce Lee?

    Figure out what you’re good at and start doing it.

    We all have strengths, and we feel a lot more fulfilled when we use them instead of sitting around, focusing on our weaknesses. If you’re not sure what your strengths are, take the character strengths survey here.

    Create a social support network.

    They say that people who have at least five strong social connections are the happiest. Many of us feel so lost and alone because we have Facebook connections, but no real or genuine face-to-face interactions with friends on a regular basis. If you’re an introvert it will be hard and you’ll have to work at it, but the reward will be worth it. Meetup is a great place to start.

    Write or scrapbook or create something.

    Being creative opens your mind to new experiences and new possibilities. Color in an adult color book, start a blog, knit, crochet, sculpt or paint, write a children’s book, or journal every night. Medium.com will allow you to publish your writing without starting a formal blog. Get your mind engaged in anything other than thinking!

    —

    Don’t try to do everything at once or you’ll likely become overwhelmed and feel like you’re failing. Pick one thing and do it for a week or ten days, then maybe add another and so on. Every little thing you add will build up like pebbles of sand on the beach, and over time you will have created something beautiful.

    We live in a society that wants immediate gratification, and when we don’t get it we tend to give up and move onto something else and blame the activity for not making us happy. Give it some time, be kind to yourself, take it a step at a time, and slowly you will see progress.

    If you struggle with something you’ve decided to start, shift your focus to one of the other ideas instead of being hard on yourself.

    Example: I signed up for a self-defense class to see if I wanted to join. Of course, I cancelled it before going. I told myself I wasn’t sure if I could afford it right now and I should wait. In part this is true, but in part I dreaded going to the class. However, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’ll try some other things right now and then I’ll put myself back out there and try again.

    For now, I re-started meditation, which allows me a few moments to reflect and set new intentions. I’ve also started writing more, which provides a creative outlet and gives me a sense of accomplishment.

    Beyond that, I’m keeping a gratitude journal and started a new exercise program. The gratitude journal is great for helping you focus on the positive rather than the negative, and exercise is a general stress reliever. I’m taking baby steps, and when I’m ready I’ll try something more social. It’s okay to go at your own pace.

    Regardless of what you choose, the point is to live more in the world and less in your head. Just try it.

    I promise there won’t be a day where you say, “Jeez, I wish I didn’t exercise” or “I wish I didn’t go for a walk” or “Helping someone really sucked.” But I guarantee if you don’t do anything you will regret it, and you will wake up one day wondering where your life went and how you got to the place you are. And that, my friend, is not what you want.

    On this day you can choose life. You can choose a new path and things can change.