Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Life’s Too Short to Be Too Busy: How to Make the Most of Your Time

    Life’s Too Short to Be Too Busy: How to Make the Most of Your Time

    “Slow down. Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry. Trust the process.” ~Alexandra Stoddard

     Heard in the offices across America…

    “I’m so busy and have no time!”

    “How is it almost 2019 already?!”

    “I’ll sleep when I’m dead…”

    We’re so focused on the next deadline, getting the next promotion, having the approval of our managers and peers alike that we push, push, push all the time.

    Oh, how I can relate! I worked in corporate America commuting into NYC (two hours each way!) as the VP of marketing at a major media company. And I worked… a lot.

    When I wasn’t at work, I was running around, checking things off my long to-do list, pretending to be Martha Stewart and always trying to accomplish the ‘next thing.’

    I knew my sense of self-worth was way too wrapped up in how much I could check off my to-do list, and I’d do anything for the approval of my colleagues; but I didn’t know any other way. Even though I was getting a lot of things done and getting the recognition I craved, I wasn’t that happy. In fact, I was miserable.

    Then tragedy struck—not once, but twice.

    In 1998 my sister, Jenny, had a brain aneurysm and suddenly passed away. She was eighteen. It was a blow like nothing I’d ever experienced before. The day after her funeral, it felt like the energy and effort it took to brush my teeth was equivalent to running a marathon.

    But somehow I got back in the saddle. I managed my grieving doing what I knew best: working and pleasing people. Getting on the train at 6am to commute into NYC and not getting home until close to 10pm was my everyday. My need to be Martha Stewart went into overdrive. Let’s just say Christmastime meant thousands (really, thousands!) of home-baked cookies. And no one was complaining about that!

    Then it happened again.

    In 2008, my brother Scott went into cardiac arrest while playing basketball and passed away. That phone call is something I’ll never be able to erase from my mind. He was thirty-three and getting married in a month. I was the one who canceled all the wedding plans. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life.

    I don’t need to tell you I was devastated. But I was also really annoyed. Really, I need to do this again?! And so while this really sucked (understatement!), since I had gone through this once before, I thought to myself this is an opportunity to do it differently.

    I’ve always been super goal-oriented, but after Scott died, my only goal was to not have any goals. Kinda crazy, right? But my soul needed the time and opportunity to kind of wander aimlessly to heal. I realized I wanted to make my work more meaningful, to have the time to unwind and have more fun.

    Slowly, I started to make sense of it all.

    I came out the other side vowing to live my life to the fullest—something my sister and brother would never have the opportunity to do. That meant laughing, a lot, having some great adventures (Paris! Skydiving!), and doing something meaningful with my life.

    The first thing I did was to leave work at a reasonable hour. I realized I was working those long hours because I felt like I had to put in the facetime to climb the ranks. Can you relate? If I left while everyone else was still at their desks would they call me a slacker? I decided not to care.

    I was naturally organized and productive, but now I really fine-tuned those skills so that I could get tons of solid work done during the day. When I walked out the door I was able to pretty much disconnect from the office. Not all the time, but most of the time.

    I stopped baking all those cookies too.

    Hiring a life coach helped me get to the bottom of what was really important to me (it’s being surrounded by beauty, doing things passionately, and laughing, a lot). While I still love to bake, these days you’re more likely to catch me at the bakery.

    Life is too short to be too busy. I learned this the hard way.

    You may be thinking, “I know, I know… I need to slow down and take stock of what’s really important to me, but not until I finish this next project.”

    It’s so easy to take time for granted, it’s true we can’t make more of it, but it always seems to be there for us. Until it’s not.

    So how can you start?

    1. Get clear on where you are spending most of your time and more importantly, why.

    You may be working many hours because you need the money, and that’s a valid point, but if you look a little deeper maybe the money is going to support a lifestyle that you really don’t want.

    No doubt, this is the hard work, so be curious and investigate. This is about self-discovery, not self-punishment.

    2. Start to dream about what you’d do if you had all the time in the world.

    Get specific. What do those days look like? What’s so great about them? Why do they make you happy. Add visualization, dreaming, and journaling so you can really see it.

    3. Figure out how you can put more of your ideal day into your reality day starting now.

    Can you leave the office earlier one or two nights a week? Sign up for a dancing class? Say no to a big project or committee? I used to start my week off with a fresh bouquet of flowers for my desk. It made a difference.

    What I realized after I made it through the dark days and nights and came out from under the covers into the light is our tragedies are what bring us to places we’d never go on our own. Their gift is making our lives more meaningful and to emerge with more perspective.

    But you don’t have to go through this kind of tragedy to figure out how you really want to spend your time. You have a choice, right here, right now. Make it count.

  • Acknowledging That We’re Not Okay is the Only Way to Make Things Better

    Acknowledging That We’re Not Okay is the Only Way to Make Things Better

    “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your own understanding.” ~Khalil Gibran

    There was a time in my life where I felt like everything needed to seem okay.

    I had trouble achieving emotional closeness in my relationships, I was unsatisfied in my career, and I struggled with at times severe anxiety and depression. But I was always “okay,” and actually went great lengths to hide any sign that I wasn’t.

    I kept myself busy to avoid seeming “lame” by having nothing to do, or perhaps to avoid the feelings that would come up if I had nothing to do. If I felt insecure or dissatisfied with something, I’d simply lie and try to cover it up rather than ever acknowledge there was a problem.

    Feeling alone and not heard in my friendships? Well, everyone else seems to be fine, so I’ll just pretend I’m fine too. Uncomfortable feelings? Push them down and ignore them, always. And if someone did something to hurt or offend me, I never said anything, because I wasn’t able to stand up for myself or set boundaries.

    I’m still trying to understand the origin of these feelings, but for me, it was dealing with generations of family trauma and hurt, as well as realizing that I’m bisexual. It was also receiving the message, implicitly and sometimes explicitly, that as a woman, it wasn’t okay for me to speak up and stand up for myself.

    Essentially, at some point, I came to believe that my real feelings weren’t acceptable.

    And the reality is, it was incredibly lonely. This perception left me unable to truly connect with anyone, because I felt as though they wouldn’t like the real me. But everyone else seemed like they were fine, so I pushed down who I was and my own personality to be who I thought I should be to fit in.

    I think we all struggle with this to some degree. Everyone has weird habits and secrets they keep to themselves. But for some of us, we feel like something is fundamentally wrong with us, as though if people saw our real selves, they wouldn’t like us. And so we hide it, and act in ways that we think we “should” act to seem like everyone else.

    The problem with this is that it makes life a lot more complicated when you have to suppress your own reaction or feelings, think about it, and then do what you assume other people would do in your situation.

    I always tried to hide and minimize any discomfort, pretend I felt more comfortable in my relationships than I did and was happier with my life than I was. Not that the people around me weren’t wonderful people, but I didn’t ever feel that I belonged or was known.

    In fact, in my early twenties, I had everything I could possibly want—a college degree, my own place, a relationship, great friends, and a job with a prestigious company. And I wasn’t happy. Or perhaps there was a part of me that was unfulfilled. Everything in my life was great, but I simply didn’t feel seen.

    The problem with always being “okay” is that at some point you just can’t do it anymore. And unsurprisingly, there came a point when my life fell apart.

    I experienced unemployment, a series of failed romantic relationships, and health issues, including disordered eating. In many ways, my life is still “apart.” Making changes has involved a lot of yoga, meditation, and emotional work, and even some solo traveling. It has been difficult and painful, and I have lost relationships.

    But the truth is that this previous “me” was like a house of cards, or perhaps a house with a cracked foundation. I pushed a lot of things down, I never stood up for myself or expressed my real feelings or needs, or even had any idea what those were—and that simply wasn’t a sustainable way to live.

    The most important step I took, and that I believe anyone can take, is finally stopping and recognizing when things are not okay. We can’t fix what we won’t acknowledge, and it is impossible to make changes if we refuse to admit something is wrong.

    Had life not presented me with the chaos it did, I would have continued to push my way along, shoving down any unwanted feelings and avoiding addressing them but also avoiding the growth, connection, and happiness that comes from actually facing my fears and emotions, and working through them with other people.

    Before, I had operated from the clearly faulty assumptions that any differences or unique qualities I had, such as my sensitivity and introverted, empathic nature—or, you know, things that make me a human being—were shameful and bad and must be covered up, that I was “too sensitive,” and that being assertive was definitely taboo. And above all, I must never admit it if I needed help. So I just went with what life gave me and tried my best to fit in.

    I’m learning to sit with difficult feelings and situations and trying to understand them instead of constantly running away from them.

    I am also working on communicating with people when they upset me. Sometimes they don’t have any idea, and promise to make sure it doesn’t happen again. But if they don’t care, that is something I need to know too. And instead of giving in to my insatiable need to fit in and be like everyone else, I’m trying to just be honest and be myself.

    Finally, instead of running, I’m trying to acknowledge when life isn’t good. Because acknowledging this, and understanding what uncomfortable feelings have to teach me, is the only way to actually make anything better.

  • How Observing My Emotions Helps Me Let Go of Anger and Anxiety

    How Observing My Emotions Helps Me Let Go of Anger and Anxiety

    “Even when in the midst of disturbance, the stillness of the mind can offer sanctuary.” ~Stephen Richards

    One night my four-year-old daughter woke up crying, startling both me and my husband from sleep. He rushed into her room and I came in shortly thereafter, and I immediately got annoyed with how he was handling the situation. I’ll admit this now: I can’t even remember what he did, but in that moment I knew I would have done it differently and it made me feel irritable and angry.

    I left the room and went into the bathroom. While I sat there, I remembered something I’d heard to do in order to become a calmer, more mindful person: Observe myself and describe my emotions and what was going on in my body as if I was telling a doctor about medical symptoms.

    I simply noticed what was going on inside me as if I was another person watching myself and ran through what was happening. I described how I felt agitated and how my stomach felt knotty. I described how the anger felt hot and prickly and how it was consuming my chest.

    Then the most amazing thing happened: My anger completely vanished.

    I was astonished. Usually I can talk myself out of negative or overwhelming emotions with some time and patience by coming up with new thoughts or convincing myself to simply let go. But this, this was something different. It happened so quickly and easily.

    I was really struck by this experience, and a week or two later I tried doing something similar while I was meditating before bed one evening. That night I felt stressed out and sad, and I could feel how I was carrying a frown around with me, and a feeling of heaviness.

    During my meditation, I kept pulling myself back to the present moment and noticing how and where I was carrying those feelings. I didn’t judge them or try to change them; I just observed them. Within a few moments a strong feeling overcame me. I can only describe it as a wave of knowing that told me “those feelings are not you.”

    It was so soothing. I felt how I was the observer, and although my sad and anxious feelings were certainly a real part of my human experience, I saw that I didn’t have to become engulfed by them. I didn’t have to let them rule me or my life.

    I’m a person with a lot of emotions. I tend toward anxiety and sadness, though I certainly have some anger, or at least irritation, thrown in there for good measure. Being able to separate myself from these emotions has been so freeing.

    I’m not saying that emotions aren’t valid, or that we shouldn’t have feelings about things that happen in our lives. I do believe, though, we can move forward in the most helpful and joyful way possible if we take the time to observe those feelings and get some distance from them.

    If I’d stayed mad and acted out at my husband that night, over something so inconsequential that I can’t even remember the details of it now, a month or two later, would that have been the best outcome for me? I don’t believe so; middle of the night arguments never end well.

    I think noticing and describing emotions allows for the best outcome. If you’ve been mistreated by someone, by all means, allow yourself that anger and frustration. From there, though, step back. Take a look at what you’re saying to yourself and where that frustration lives.

    Once you’ve done that and given yourself some distance, then make your next move. Making a decision from a place of stillness and reflection can only make your life better.

    This is a practice that, well, takes practice. I have to remind myself to do it, and frankly, sometimes I don’t want to. A stubborn, bratty part of myself yells something along the lines of “I want to stay mad!”

    It’s worth it though, at least to me, and I’m incorporating it into my life more and more. I’m finding myself a calmer and more centered person, and that’s something I’ve wanted for a long time. Here’s everything that’s been working for me and how it can work for you, too.

    Get comfortable with the idea that you’re an observer. The older I get, the more I realize how much of what I do is just a pattern, a repetition of the ways I’ve done things before. That has allowed me to identify less with what my mind is telling me and to give myself permission to simply observe what’s happening instead of taking it all so seriously.

    Avoid judging yourself and your emotions. Just this morning I started getting worried about the sadness my daughter was expressing about going back to preschool after a break for vacation. I started getting frustrated at myself for getting sucked into my feelings and not doing better, but in that moment I realized I needed to let go of criticizing myself and instead just observe. And, as usual, it helped.

    Give yourself the time and space to practice. This is not what we’ve been taught to do. At all. We’ve been taught to try to control our emotions, we’ve been taught to express emotions in healthier ways, we’ve been taught to give in and feel emotions. The idea of observing our emotions? I didn’t hear of that until I was thirty-seven years old.

    Try to see your emotions as separate from the real you. I believe that at our core we’re compassionate and loving beings. The stories our minds tell us—about how we’ve been wronged or how things should be different—are just that: stories.

    Let yourself observe what the mind is telling you. Let yourself observe how those stories are causing you to feel. Take the time to really describe, in vivid detail, what you’re telling yourself and what you’re feeling physically. Are your shoulders up to your ears? Is your chest tight? Are your firsts clenched? What’s your face doing? Do you feel hot? Do you feel like you’re in slow motion? Describe it all.

    When you take the time to do that, you’re taking the time to see that those feelings, those emotions are separate from you. You’re the loving being who is observing them. You’re the one with the power to let them go.

    Just try it. Taking the time to increase my awareness and observe myself has improved my life in just a short time, and I think it can make anyone’s life more peaceful.

  • Why Moving Didn’t Solve Any of My Problems

    Why Moving Didn’t Solve Any of My Problems

    “Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.” ~Neil Gaiman

    When I had the chance to relocate to Vancouver some years ago, the opportunity also came with the distinct need to try something new and leave my comfort zone. To be quite honest, I had also become frustrated with many things in my life at the time: work, friendships, relationships including family, and the general “noise” that I felt I couldn’t avoid.

    I was beginning to lose my temper more easily. I found excuses to shorten visits with family and friends or to avoid visiting in the first place. Work seemed to have little meaning or fulfilment, regardless of the time that I committed to it. I felt that a new environment would be a great chance to grow, to try something new, and to enjoy being “anonymous” in a new place.

    Sometimes we crave that idea, to wipe the slate clean and start over. And my new home 3,000km away was great. It felt fresh and fed my curiosity.

    Being on the opposite side of the country gave me a tangible sense of distance from the things that were challenging to me. And being in an environment that offered me quick access to the ocean and mountains was quite healing.

    Returning to my old home wasn’t something I seriously considered at all. Even with my visits back home for holidays and family celebrations in the first couple of years, I really looked forward to coming back to my new home.

    Over time, though, I started to get the itch again. At the time, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but certain things about my new home were starting to chafe.

    Some of the same behaviors started to surface again. I was beginning to lose interest in my work. Friendships were starting to fade, and I began to enjoy my solitude more and more. I would feel resentful at those around me who seemingly didn’t have the same concerns and seemed to “float along” through their existence instead of flailing against the current.

    My visits back home were always enjoyable, but it became more difficult each time to leave. I began to really miss the family and friends who I had left behind. I was watching nieces and nephews grow up from a distance. The story that I had told myself over the years, that I was more of a solitary individual and didn’t need connections, was starting to feel more untrue every day. Eventually I made the decision to return home. Thankfully, it was an easy transition with my job.

    When people asked me why I came back, I answered honestly that it was because I missed my family and friends, and the things that I had disliked about my home city when I initially left didn’t seem so bad anymore.

    Being back home now for more than ten years, I have a different appreciation for my experiences. Travel allows me to explore and experience new things. I like revisiting places to see what I may have missed the first time around or to dive deeper into an experience that I really enjoyed. But I now understand that there’s a difference between traveling or moving for passion and doing either to escape myself.

    When I chose to leave home I originally attributed my decision to external things that I found annoying, draining, or uncomfortable. But I now understand that it wasn’t things that were external to me that were causing conflict within me; it was my beliefs.

    I’ve come to learn how things that trigger me are areas of my own beliefs and behaviors that need some reflection and healing. The lack of meaning in my work at the time, the seeming superficiality in everyday interactions with people, the frustration at getting distracted by the “noise” around me—these were all things I needed to look at inside myself honestly, to better understand what I could learn from them.

    I realized that I only believed I was happier in my solitude because I feared opening myself up to other people. And I discounted other people’s efforts and achievements because I envied their drive and determination, and believed I wasn’t actually worthy of the attention or accolades because I felt like an impostor in my professional life.

    Through acceptance, knowing that I am enough, forgiving myself, and truly appreciating the amazing people and experiences in my life, I have been able to change my outlook and approach to my life.

    Finding the teaching in all those situations was huge for me. It made me realize that my attempt to change myself by changing my environment was well-intentioned but not the most effective way for me to grow.

    Sometimes, changing your environment can give you that perspective you need to look at things from a different angle.

    Sure, moving across the country pushed some buttons for me and made me very resourceful. It also pushed me out of my comfort zone and gave me a sense of bravery through anonymity. I see now how that perceived bravery was more of a desire to not be judged. It’s amazing how open you become to risk when you believe that no one “knows” you, that they have no history with you. You feel that they are seeing you for the first time.

    The things that were my triggers merely traveled with me across the country. Even after moving, I still watched others around me building their lives while I felt stuck, and I still felt that I was not enough in friendships and relationships. As a result, I worked extra hard to fill those voids but didn’t feel worthy of the attention they drew to me.

    For a while, I was able to avoid this truth because I distracted myself with the newness of my surroundings. I don’t discount the experiences that I had in my new home, but it’s clear to me now that my triggers would eventually resurface until I understood them better.

    I now know that the better I understand, accept, and forgive myself, and stay curious, the more I can enjoy being wherever I am. Travel represents many things for me now: enjoyment, relaxation, learning, connections, and new experiences. But it is no longer the escape I once believed I needed to fix the challenges I was encountering. The better I know myself and the more authentic I am, the more I can enjoy being wherever I may roam.

    I thank you for the time you’ve taken to read this, and I ask you to reflect on your own choices for travel and relocating and hope that you open yourself to the world inside yourself as well.

  • The Kay to Your Happiness

    The Kay to Your Happiness

  • How to Feel More in Control When Life Gets Overwhelming

    How to Feel More in Control When Life Gets Overwhelming

    “When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” ~Confucius

    I’m in the middle of a career transition and it hasn’t been easy. For the first few months after quitting my job—a job which I thought should have been perfect, where I thought I would stay for years—I was paralyzed into inaction regarding anything career-related. I had lost confidence in my own judgment; after all, I had thought that job would be the one and it wasn’t, so did I even really know what I wanted?

    This kind of self-doubt makes me second-guess myself to the extreme—my goals, my desires, and even the validity of my feelings. This often means I start doing something, question what I’m doing and how I’m doing it, feel stressed and overwhelmed, and then end up doing nothing.

    I’m still in this transition, but where once the self-doubt and overwhelm paralyzed me every day, I’m now taking back control and beginning to shape my life how I want it.

    First, let me present you with a story. Jessica is a high school student in the middle of taking the SAT. She really wants to do well because she knows that getting a higher score improves her chances of getting into her dream school and qualifying for scholarships.

    Everyone has told her how important the SAT is, how hard it is to do well, and (unfortunately) how unlikely she is to get her goal score. On the test, she reaches a tough question and has no clue how to answer it. Here are two of her choices:

    -Option A: Jessica racks her brain, her mind filled with thoughts of her dream school slipping away; she tries a few different methods but only manages to eliminate one incorrect choice; she second-guesses herself and then realizes that time has slipped away from her and, feeling anxious and flustered, she rushes through the rest of the test.

    -Option B: She skips the question, continuing with the rest of the test and answering all the questions she feels confident about. When she returns to the difficult question, she finds that it is not as hard as it first seemed and is able to solve it with confidence. She remains in control of her test experience and finishes the test with confidence.

    What does this example have to do with those of us who aren’t high school teenagers and are going through stressful times? A lot in fact.

    When Jessica encounters an obstacle in an already-stressful time, she can try to force her way through it, as in Option A, or skip the question and come back to it, as in Option B.

    As a test prep instructor, I teach my students to do the second option through a guided exercise, and the students are surprised to find how much easier the “hard” questions are after answering the easier ones. The second approach builds up confidence, while the first approach increases test anxiety.

    I wondered if I might be able to apply this test-taking strategy to life or if it was too ridiculous to work. As it turns out, by temporarily turning my attention to something else—’skipping’ the problem with the intention to return to it later—I was able to minimize my feelings of overwhelm and take steps that I was once paralyzed to take, steps like learning new skills.

    When faced with overwhelm, the best way to handle it is to stop and do something else. This holds true whether we are taking a test or facing a more complex source of stress.

    We rarely do this because it is counterintuitive. When we feel overwhelmed, we often feel that there’s too much to do, there’s not enough time or resources, we don’t know where to start, and in general our goals feel unattainable. If there’s so much to do and so little time, how can we justify “wasting” time doing something else? Won’t that just delay our goals further?

    However, by seeing how ineffective Option A is for Jessica, I realized there might be a parallel to other aspects of life. In the same amount of time that Jessica could spend being frustrated or anxious, she can choose to say “not yet” or “not right now” and move on to something else, knowing that the problem will be sitting right where it was.

    Now, whenever I notice the constricting sensation of overwhelm, I know that my next step is to stop whatever I’m doing and switch gears. I could be ruminating, folding laundry, or writing, but no matter what I must stop and do something else.

    An amazing thing happens when I do this: I regain control over the shape of my life.

    I may not have control over all my life circumstances or even my emotions, but I do control how I react. When I choose to react in ways that nourish my sense of well-being and provide me with a sense of accomplishment, I am able to face challenges for what they are.

    If sitting down to write a blog post seems especially daunting right now, then I’ll do some chores. If the chores seem difficult, I’ll go for a walk. If a walk seems like too much, I’ll journal stream-of-consciousness.

    The specific task that overwhelms us and the task we choose to do instead aren’t what matters most for this method. It’s the inherent power of choice that allows us to brush off societal definitions of success and pursue our own ever-evolving sense of success.

    While it’s not possible to provide specific alternative actions for every scenario, here are some general ideas of things to do when you’re feeling overwhelmed:

    -Go somewhere. It could be as simple as going to another room or going somewhere across town. The change of scenery can bring a fresh perspective to a prior problem.

    -Make something. You could draw, cook, or fold a paper airplane. When we engage our creativity, we have fun and build confidence through effort rather than results.

    -I often feel energized but directionless when I am overwhelmed, and maybe you do too. Enjoying your favorite type of exercise can improve your mood and release pent-up energy.

    -Whether you connect with loved ones or with a spiritual/religious practice, connecting with others helps us feel supported when we try something new.

    While overwhelm is bound to happen in our lives, we can choose to react in ways that enable us to feel confident and in control. It’s not the same as running away from your problems; it’s finding a circuitous route that has an immediate benefit of improving your sense of well-being and long-term benefit of helping you take action and find solutions.

    By taking charge of the content of our lives, we can find that even when overwhelm happens, we have the tools to work with it and the power to shape our lives through our choices and actions.

  • Are You Wasting Your Time?

    Are You Wasting Your Time?

    “Life is what happens while we’re busy worrying about everything we need to change or accomplish. Slow down, get mindful, and try to enjoy the moment. This moment is your life.” ~Lori Deschene

    I was on my way to work. At the time I worked at a bar. It was a Thursday night and my shift started at 8:50 PM. I was running late. I was in a hurry. It happened a block away from my job.

    The green light changed and the world stopped. The next thing I remembered I was waking up in an ambulance. The paramedics asked me if I knew what had happened. They asked me if I knew where I was, but everything was a blank.

    I don’t remember how it happened. I don’t remember much of anything to this day. Just that I was driving to work, and next thing I knew there was a woman at my driver side window telling me she was calling for help and an ambulance would be there shortly.

    I was hysterical. I had no clue what was going on. Why was she calling an ambulance? What happened? Was someone hurt? Reality was split. Some part of me was in the car while the other was eons away. I blacked out.

    A police officer came while I was in the hospital. He said I had been hit in the passenger side of my car by a Chrysler Town & Country minivan. There were four eighteen-year-old boys inside. They were all okay.

    I started to remember the accident a few days after it happened. I remembered being slumped over in the passenger seat bleeding and crying.

    At that time I didn’t realize I was hurt, I didn’t even know what had happened. All I remembered were the thoughts going through my head. Not if I would be paralyzed or seriously injured. Not if I would get the chance to go to college in the fall. All I could think was “I’m going to be late for work.”

    At that moment, instead of thinking about the things I cared about, all of my obligations plagued me all at once.

    That experience got me thinking, why was it that the first thing on my mind was work, weekend obligations, and chores? Why would my subconscious draw my attention to these things? Why was my boss, of all people, the first person I called? Were my life and my family less important than my job?

    I did a lot of thinking about that night in the next few months that followed. It was the scariest moment of my life. Not because I could have been badly injured or worse, but because it was the first time I realized my priorities were all wrong. The things I stressed and worried about didn’t really matter in the scheme of things.

    It’s been five years since the accident, but in those years I’ve realized a few things:

    1. Everything is temporary, whether pain or pleasure.

    My eighteen-year-old brain started to realize this after the car accident but didn’t fully grasp it until later five years later. At the time, totaling my car, sustaining the mild but painful injuries, and having to still be an adult and go to work and family events, seemed like the worst thing in the world. I didn’t want to do any of it. At times through college I experienced a similar kind of grief when life just seemed to pile up and crush me under the weight of responsibility.

    Even when the world feels like it will stop, it doesn’t. Life goes on. You figure out a way to move on with it, and the pain it eventually falls away.

    2. Always be grateful.

    Be grateful even when it feels like you have nothing to be grateful for. Be the most grateful when times are hard because it reminds you how lucky you are when things are good. Learning to accept what life gives you and how to love the journey takes practice, patience, and a thankful heart.

    For a while after the accident I went through life feeling really angry. I was mad that I didn’t have my car. I wanted to sue the boys that hit me. It took time but I realized what happened to me wasn’t the end of the world. I had all my limbs and I had the rest of my life to look forward to.

    3. If we waste our time stressing about the little things we will always be stressed.

    Once coming to the conclusion that all things are temporary it’s easier to let go of the little things because you know that they aren’t worth getting stressed about. Give yourself the five-year rule. If it won’t matter five years from now (and most things won’t matter five weeks from now), don’t let yourself get too worked up about it.

    4. We all get the same amount of time each day, and it’s up to us how we spend it.

    I had this teacher in high school, Mr. Fails, who stressed the fact that we all get the same amount of seconds in a day, and it is up to us to use that time wisely. We let our priorities dictate our use of time, but are our priorities in order? Do we use our time to improve? To learn as much as we can and continue to grow?

    I wasn’t in the frame of mind to do that yet, and I wouldn’t be for the next few years. The more twists and turns my life took and the more I saw people change without growing, the more I thought about the constraints time can have.

    I decided that the most important thing I can do with my seconds is what makes me happy, which is seeing myself learn and grow, through writing, through life’s challenges, and through life’s blessings.

    When is the last time you did something that made you happy? I don’t mean temporarily happy; I don’t mean that summer vacation you went on that was exciting for a second. I mean the kind of happiness that lingers, that you can think about and still smile, the kind of happiness that you get from great love, or doing something you never thought possible.

    Too often we base our happiness on tangible objects—houses, cars, clothes, and stupid things that give us a quick buzz of instant gratification. The kind of things that will only give you joy for a blip of time in the scheme of things.

    Real happiness comes from using our time in a way that feels authentic and meaningful to us. For some, that might mean making major life changes, But this also can mean spending more time with the people we love, or enjoying the little things that we might deprioritize when we’re focused on work and our goals.

    Life doesn’t guarantee much, but it does guarantee that there will be 86,400 seconds in a day. You don’t have a right to those seconds and I can’t guarantee that you will get them, but, with you or without you, they will tick by.

    When you are going into your dead-end job every day, when you are in an unhappy relationship that is going nowhere, and when you are spending your time unsatisfied with the life you’ve created, I want you to remember that you have 86,400 seconds every day, and it’s your choice how you use them. Are you wasting your time?

    If you are, because you think you have it to waste, or you think that the seconds aren’t as important as the hours and days, if you are constantly telling yourself that you will do it tomorrow, remember this: in the time it took you to read this article…

    Someone died in a car accident, someone else was abducted, someone just committed suicide, someone was shot, someone was married, someone had a baby, someone was reunited with a loved one, someone was wrongfully convicted, someone was bullied, someone is crying, someone beat cancer, someone died of cancer, someone cheated on their wife, and someone found hope.

    All that and more has happened while you sat there and read this. There are bad things happening in this world, and there are beautiful things happening in this world. You never know what’s coming, so why waste the little time you may have?

    Find what makes you happy and do it! Don’t wait for the right moment; it may never come. Don’t make up excuses because there is always a way. You might not be able to make major changes instantly, but you can make tiny shifts in your daily life and take tiny steps toward the life you want to create.

    Too many people waste their precious time worrying about what might be, could have been, and will never happen. Be the kind of person that spends their time loving, living, and letting go of what is unimportant.

  • No Piece of Advice Is Right for Everyone, at All Times

    No Piece of Advice Is Right for Everyone, at All Times

    “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain ability to function.” ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

    Ever been inspired by a quote or an article you read on a self-improvement site like Tiny Buddha?

    I mean so inspired that you instantly and wholeheartedly started to apply the advice—no questions asked.

    Not only that, but in your inspiration, you started to brag about your newfound wisdom to all your friends.

    You just couldn’t shut up about this new piece of wisdom!

    If a friend was going through a breakup, you now knew just what to say.

    If a friend was complaining about an annoying person, again, you now knew just what to say.

    The piece of wisdom seemed perfect not just for every situation, but also for everyone!

    Well, at least you believed this to be true.

    So you applied the advice for a few weeks and everything was great in the world. This is, of course, until it wasn’t.

    As time went on, you began to have that dreadful feeling that something felt off.

    Oh no!

    In fact, a small, dreadful thought started to cross your mind—that the knot you felt in your guts was due to the advice you’d been wholeheartedly following.

    “But it can’t be,” you told yourself.

    You held on to the piece of advice for dear life. I mean, it became part of your identity!

    And after all, you’d already raved about the advice to all of your friends.

    You were then reminded of another piece of advice that spoke about discipline.

    Ah, that’s what it was.

    You felt a small sense of hope that it was just you and not the advice that was erred.

    Phew. You just have to be more disciplined, that’s totally what it was.

    So you ignored that feeling that something was missing for a bit longer. 

    Until one day, you came across another inspiring article on Tiny Buddha—one that seemingly conflicted with the advice you’d been such a big advocate of.

    “How can this be?” you wondered.

    Gulp.

    Before you knew it, you knew something had to change.

    But it couldn’t be tossing out that one piece of advice you’d been crazy about for the last few months.

    But then it hit you like a Bruce Lee kick to the face.

    You eventually started to realize, maybe the single piece of advice wasn’t the cure-all for that eternal feeling of fulfillment that you had hoped for.

    So what did you do?

    Conflicting Advice that Makes You Ignore One or the Other

    I once got inspired by a piece of social advice that not only inspired me, but worked!

    The advice talked about learning to genuinely become interested in all types of people because absolutely everyone has something interesting to share.

    So true.

    I talked to so many people and learned so many things!

    Along the same time, I also got inspired by another piece of advice that I got from the improv community. The advice talked about a philosophy called “Yes and…” which essentially talks about always keeping an open mind and to start every sentence with agreement—hence “yes and…”

    Those pieces of advice together worked beautifully. I started to see everyone as somebody worthy of learning from.

    Life became more beautiful when I didn’t easily get annoyed at everyone and instead saw everyone as someone who could help me on this journey called life.

    The advice seemed to be the best thing ever! At the time, I bragged to everyone about my new philosophy. I felt happy and didn’t think I’d ever stop practicing my newfound wisdom.

    All was good and beautiful.

    This is until it wasn’t.

    At this point in my life, I was spending a lot of time socializing, which at first was all great. However, after a couple months I realized I hadn’t done anything worthy of being proud of toward my career goals. This is when I started to feel like something was off.

    Now to add to it, around this time I came across an inspiring article on valuing my time and about the power of saying no. Super inspiring and made total sense. So what did I do?

    After some reflection, I decided to completely ditch the other seemingly contradicting advice that no longer served me.

    I started to find myself so much more productive. The advice was working. Once again, I was on cloud nine.

    “Just the advice for me!” I thought.

    I remember even hating that I’d spent so much time following the other piece of advice. At the time, I was staying at a hostel and remember I would secretly judge people who spent a lot of time socializing like I used to. I would say stupid things to myself like “These people are so not driven. How can they always be drinking?”

    I was very content with my new ability to say no and stay productive. All was good once again.

    Until, you guessed it… it wasn’t.

    The newfound wisdom, mixed with the fact that I had already slowly started becoming less interested in people, made a beautiful recipe for becoming antisocial. Not only that, but I was excusing my antisocial behavior with “I’m just valuing my time.”

    Then it hit me: Yeah, I was more productive, but I was feeling disconnected. I grew unhappy. Before I’d felt connected, but not productive. I’d grown unhappy then too.

    I now realized, for myself at least, there’s no single piece of advice that is good on its own.

    I had taken the social advice to the extreme and then taken the seemingly conflicting productivity advice to another extreme.

    Both made me happy in the short term, but not in the long-term.

    I now realize, both pieces of the conflicting advice are true and good, just not all the time.

    Conflicting Advice Working in Beautiful Harmony

    I came to learn that valuing my time was good. However, giving others my time is invaluable.

    Learning to say yes and being open-minded to everything is good. However, learning to say no is invaluable.

    Having great pride in myself is nice, but having extreme humility is very rewarding.

    Learning that I’m important and should learn to put myself first was nice, but learning that others are also important and that it’s nice to put others first sometimes is also very rewarding.

    Ironically, I think the single best piece of advice is that there is no single best piece of advice.

    Embracing Each Other’s Unique Experiences

    Just because following a piece of advice doesn’t exactly work for me anymore, doesn’t mean the advice was wrong or unrealistic.

    This is what I allowed myself to believe.

    One had to be right and the other had to be wrong.

    Now I see it happen quite often and especially when I reflect on my own life:

    Someone follows a piece of advice like “follow your heart” until they realize that following their heart has repeatedly gotten them into trouble. Then they start bitterly bashing that advice to friends and promoting decisions purely based on logic. The thing is, we have to learn when it’s appropriate to follow your heart and when it’s just plain dumb.

    But it’s still good advice; it just depends on where you are in life and the experiences leading you to the moment.

    Imagine a man known for boring people with endless rambles comes across an article on the importance of being able to lead a conversation. This advice is neither good nor bad, but in context, probably not the best piece of advice that this specific man should be listening to.

    Make Mistakes and Let Others Do The Same

    I’ve realized life is never black and white.

    There isn’t a one-size-fits-all piece of advice.

    And this, in my opinion, makes life beautiful because it encourages us to let go of judgment.

    In fact, I’d argue that what makes life beautiful is the lack of right and wrong. The courage to explore what you think will make you happy, even if others will judge you, is beautiful. Heck, even if you yourself will judge you!

    I’m sure that in two years, I’ll have to learn to adjust again as I continue to grow. Maybe I’ll look back at this article and not agree with some of my own points.

    It doesn’t mean any of my points are less true or more right.

    The belief that there is rarely an exact right or wrong has also helped me become more understanding of others. In any given situation, someone’s idea of right might be my idea of wrong and vice versa—as should be, because we all hold different values and aspirations.

    Looking back, I’m embarrassed at the way I would spend so much time judging others. I will go as far as admitting that many things I used to judge were actually things that I was subconsciously jealous of.

    Today, I hold a lot of traits that the five-year-younger version of me would judge. In fact, some of these traits are now my favorite things about myself.

    So, here’s a fun game to play with yourself:

    The next time you feel the inclination to say something is either right or wrong, bite your tongue for just a few seconds.

    I mean literally bite your tongue.

    Is there even just a 1% chance that your judgment of what is right or wrong is only subjective?

  • How I Stopped Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for Me

    How I Stopped Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for Me

    “A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment.” ~Laurie Helgoe

    Do you ever worry that if you fulfill your needs you will disappoint others? Do you ever feel guilty for doing what’s best for you?

    For years, I felt guilty about taking time for myself. I thought that being alone, away from the rest of the world, meant being selfish. This was especially true in one toxic relationship that kept dragging me down because I was afraid to make a change. As a peaceful, compassionate person who’s always been a good listener and a giver, I was drawn to his unstable and needy behavior, thinking that I could help him change for the better.

    But after two years of having to deal with constant putdowns from a possessive partner who thought I was selfish every time I craved alone time, I knew I was nearing my breaking point.

    I remember one night, after an exhausting day at work, I joyfully looked forward to a relaxing evening. As I drove home, all I could think of was taking a hot bath, brewing a fragrant herbal tea, and putting on my favorite fluffy pajamas. Under the dimmed light of my reading lamp, snug in a warm bed, I got lost in the world of mystery and imagination that made my soul come alive.

    Just a few minutes into my reading session, I received a text from him, demanding me to “get ready in ten because we’re going out, and you don’t have a choice.”

    At first, I ignored the message and went back to my reading, since he’d made plans earlier that week to see his friends. Then he called but I didn’t pick up. Finally, after several attempts to reach me, he came rushing to my apartment, banging on the front door.

    I pretended to be asleep and didn’t answer. The truth is that I was frightened and reluctant to open the door given his usual aggressive behavior.

    I didn’t want to confront him because I knew he wouldn’t understand. I felt mentally and physically drained for having to constantly explain myself and for letting him manipulate me yet again. I was fed up with having to come up with believable reasons why I needed time for myself, and I was sick and tired of constantly changing my plans for him.

    But as he left, I started to feel horrible. I felt guilty about avoiding the situation and for not being able to stand up to him. What made me feel even guiltier was that I’d finally done what I was afraid to do for so long. I’d listened to my inner guidance and done what was best for me.

    Still, instead of going back to reading and enjoying my evening ritual, I opened up a one-pound bar of chocolate and slowly devoured the massive amount of fat and sugar in a matter of minutes. Instantly, I got back into my “happy” mood, thinking life was good again. But then, as the guilt of eating so much sugar slowly sank in, I found myself back at square one, feeling even worse.

    This happened over a decade ago, when I struggled with a full-blown sugar addiction. To compensate for my inability to say no, being a perfectionist, and staying in a toxic relationship, I’d eat sugar. A lot of it. I was so drawn to sweets and chocolate that I couldn’t go a day without eating at least a whole bar. It was part of my daily routine and something I considered normal.

    Sugar was the answer to all my hardships. It was my biggest excuse for staying where I was and not doing anything about my life.

    Unsurprisingly, I struggled with self-blame, feeling that I was deeply flawed because I was an introvert. In childhood, I was ashamed of being regularly humiliated by my math teacher in front of the whole class and continuously bullied by some of my classmates and older students. Later on, the same guilt haunted me in similar ways, but as I grew older, it became a part of me, almost like a sickness.

    After that day, I decided to end the toxic relationship that made me doubt my worth and scarred me emotionally for years. I finally found the courage to confront the person who’d used blaming, shaming, and threatening to cover up all of his wrongdoings.

    Throughout our whole relationship, I apologized every time he hurt me because I felt guilty for making him feel bad. I tried so hard to be the perfect girl who never made mistakes, never spoke her mind, and never messed up. I found myself agreeing with everything while my conscience screamed the opposite. For so long, I tried to fix what was broken. I felt hurt, lonely, and betrayed.

    The truth is that I believed I was responsible for what he felt. For his actions. For how he saw me. I was afraid of being judged, so I diminished my value to make him feel comfortable. And I was slowly losing myself.

    I became an obsessive perfectionist, paralyzed by the fear of not being good enough. Everything I did had to be absolutely perfect. But no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough to meet his expectations.

    Now, I know that the guilt I felt that night was the reaction I’d gotten accustomed to, my place of comfort that told me I was safe. But no matter how guilty I felt for doing what I felt was right for me, I gained invaluable courage to start making a change.

    It took a great deal of work, patience, and understanding, as well as learning through growth and change, to know what I wanted out of a relationship and how I wanted to be treated.

    I started with forgiveness. I forgave myself for not listening to my intuition and for treating my body and mind badly. Knowing that I cannot change the past and that I do not actually want to go back there, I became mindful of the mistakes I’d made and learned invaluable lessons.

    When I became honest with myself about what I wanted, I began to take care of myself, preserving my health, nourishing my body, and nurturing my soul. I made my priorities clear and realized what was important to me. I started eating healthy and exercising regularly.

    Finding the courage to put an end to my unhealthy relationship inspired me to take action and do something about my serious sugar addiction, which was slowly but surely destroying my health. I signed up for a wellness course that I’d been telling myself I would enroll in for months. Just reaching this place was a huge success for me, at the time.

    I remember the moment I got there, I freaked out, unable to catch my breath. All I wanted to do was leave and never return. I thought I wasn’t ready to give up sugar, since it was keeping me safe and comfortable. All I could think of was getting one more bite of my favorite chocolate while promising myself, “I’m quitting tomorrow.”

    After days of crying in agony and successfully completing the workshop, I decided to continue without sugar for the whole month. I promised myself that I would let go of the one thing that was making me happy momentarily but holding me back in so many areas of my life.

    And that’s when something incredible happened. I noticed that the more I held off sugar, the more I pushed myself to pursue other things. I started waking up early and meditating. I began making better food choices and training for long-distance running. Postponing the immediate gratification and choosing not to eat what was actually hurting me, made me a much happier, more productive person.

    I became completely aware that my vice provided a powerful short-term relief, but in reality, it was forming a vicious cycle that was leaving me feeling vulnerable, empty, and regretful.

    After I’d forgiven myself, I forgave others. No matter how hard it was, I found the strength to forgive anyone who’d harmed me and asked for forgiveness of everyone I had unknowingly or deliberately wronged in the past.

    Forgiving someone means that you are letting go of bitterness and resentment toward that person. It doesn’t mean that you need to contact them or continue having them in your life. Not at all. They don’t even have to know, but in your heart, you know that you have no sourness left, only love and acceptance.

    And finally, I accepted myself for who I am and for having my own needs. I went back to reading daily and taking courses and certifications to better myself and improve my skills. I started trusting my innate needs and desires because I finally realized that it’s up to me to decide how I spend my time and how much alone time I need.

    As introverts, we feel guilty for not talking enough, for not going out as often as we think we should, and for avoiding social situations because we need time alone. We often end up in toxic relationships because we give, we love, we care about other people’s feelings, and we don’t want to hurt anyone.

    But our alone time is so vital to our well-being that if we don’t listen to our needs we end up feeling frustration, resentment, and the inevitable fatigue that goes with them.

    Living life according to your own needs doesn’t make you a selfish person. It’s perfectly okay to spend time away from others, to fulfill your need to read, write, create, and explore. It’s okay to want to be alone and to enjoy it. It’s okay to do whatever you need to do to feel fulfilled, balanced, and connected to yourself.

    Never feel guilty for doing what’s best for you or for prioritizing what you value in life. Never feel guilty for being honest about how you feel, and never apologize for being you.

  • 3 Things the Dying Taught Me About Living Well

    3 Things the Dying Taught Me About Living Well

    “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    I am a hospice chaplain.

    I provide spiritual care to the dying and their families.

    I do this by being present with them. I listen to their fears, worries, joys, concerns, and regrets. I listen carefully to what is said, and attend thoughtfully to what is not said.

    When people find out what I do for a living, the reaction is almost universal: “Wow, that must be hard. I could never do it.”

    I totally get it. In fact, years before doing this work, I remember reacting to a hospice volunteer in a very similar way. I was terrified of death. I didn’t like thinking about it or talking about it. I certainly never thought I’d spend my days comforting the dying.

    What I didn’t understand back then was that the dying weren’t another species. They are beautiful and courageous human beings who don’t stop living just because they’re dying. They are no different from the rest of us, except that they are more keenly aware of the preciousness of their time on earth.

    To my surprise, spending time with the dying has taught me a number of important lessons about living.

    Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

    1. It’s not too late.

    Most people who offer lessons from the dying often say, “Don’t wait.” Of course, I can testify that I have also learned this from the dying. I’ve had patients tell me that they wished they had pursued things they’ve always wanted to do. These conversations can be heartbreaking.

    But I’ve also journeyed with others who have taken up new interests as they were dying. One patient started painting as a way to process her feelings and emotions about dying. Self-taught, she discovered she had a knack for it and soon was creating beautiful works of art to share with family and friends.

    Another patient who had a long and difficult marriage decided to make things right with his spouse after receiving his terminal diagnosis. Many people in this situation would understandably say something like, “We wish we’d done this sooner.” Instead they were saying, “This diagnosis brought us back together.”

    What these incredible examples have taught me is this: It’s not too late. Though I fully resonate with the advice, “Don’t wait,” the problem is that many people believe they’ve already waited too long and that it’s already too late.

    They believe it’s too late to start a hobby, career, or pursue a lifelong dream. They believe it’s too late to mend a broken relationship or start a new one.

    If there’s something you’ve been putting off for months or years, the advice “Don’t wait” is sound. If you feel like your time has passed, know that as long as you’re breathing, it’s not too late.

    As the saying goes, “The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now.”

    2. It’s okay to not have all the answers.

    We place so much pressure on ourselves to be know-it-alls.

    It’s one of the reasons why we shun death. There are no easy answers. As a hospice chaplain, I often get asked questions like, “Why is this happening to me?” or “Why is life so unfair?” or “Where will I go after I die?”

    Most patients aren’t expecting me to give them the answers to these questions. They simply need someone to hold space for them to wrestle with their deepest hopes and concerns.

    And when it comes to dying, no one’s an expert. I remember sitting with a highly intelligent person whose career required him to have many answers. During one of our visits, he admitted to me that he was not an expert at dying and he’s just as scared as everyone else. He too was wrestling with the same questions we all must wrestle with at some point.

    There’s something incredibly freeing about dropping the know-it-all act. Rather than using our knowledge and intelligence to gain a sense of superiority over others, we can share in our common humanity. We can feel safe to admit to one another, “I don’t know.” Dropping the act deepens connection and intimacy between people.

    3. It’s okay to not be okay.

    I once had a patient who during our first visits expressed that he was okay with dying. He lived life the best he could and felt at peace with his life.

    But as his health declined, it was clear that he was not okay with dying. He was young, had kids at home, and felt like there were things still left for him to do. He became increasingly anxious about the dying process.

    During one of our meetings after having wrestled with his change in disposition, he concluded, “I realized that I need to be okay with not being okay.” Paradoxically, facing his discomfort with dying helped him manage his fears and even brought him to a deeper level of peace.

    So many of us spend our energy convincing ourselves and the world that things are okay when they’re not. We carefully curate our social media channels so only the highlights are featured. We love the idea of controlling the narrative our lives.

    When we do this, we’re denying ourselves the opportunity for personal growth that begins when we can look ourselves in the mirror and just admit that we’re not okay.

    Contemplating Death Will Help You Live

    Contemplating one’s own death can be challenging and scary, but it doesn’t have to be. The lessons I’ve learned from the dying have helped me appreciate life more. It’s helped change my perspective on what’s important and what’s not. It’s helped me to make better decisions.

    I can’t say I’m fully over my fears of dying, but I am more comfortable contemplating it. And I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned so far and for the lessons I’m yet to learn.

    How might contemplating your death help you live better?

  • You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away

    You Know What’s Best for You, So Stop Giving Your Power Away

    “Insight is not a light bulb that goes off inside our heads. It is a flickering candle that can easily be snuffed out.” ~Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking

    If there is just one thing I would absolutely love every person on this planet to understand, it is their own inner knowing. And if I could have two things, I would add the power that inner knowing gives to each of us.

    When it comes to what’s best for you, your own opinion is the only one that counts—and you can use it to change your life.

    It’s easy to be brainwashed in this society because right from the get-go, when we have no choice but to be dependent on others, we are taught to believe that others know better. This inadvertently teaches us to suppress our own desires, feelings, ideas, and opinions about the world.

    My parents, probably like yours, had very strong views about what was right and wrong. If I stepped outside those boundaries I was punished rather than left to experience the natural consequences of my thoughts and actions. That introduced self-doubt into the equation, and other damaging emotions like worry, anxiety, fear, guilt, and so on.

    With emotions like this in the mix, reinforced over many years, taking action based on our own insights becomes difficult. At best it’s fraught with an obstacle course of emotional bombs waiting to be set off along the way. At worst, we stagnate, freeze, and live our lives according to the opinion of others.

    As Malcolm Gladwell says, it’s too easy to snuff out the insights your inner knowing gives rise to—especially after years of suppressing them.

    When our parents enforced their boundaries and opinions, they were most often well-meaning, and they were likely just repeating the cycle of what they were taught. But it’s that generalized and pervasive trust in authority, that is perpetuated by well-meaning people, that causes the issue.

    I was not taught to trust my instincts or intuition; these weren’t words that were even a common part of my vocabulary. Yet, who else can I truly trust? If I live my life according to the opinion of others, can I ever be happy?

    We are each this unique cocktail of highly complex DNA, experiences, and feelings. Other people can inspire me, yes, they can reflect back to me what they are hearing, seeing and/or feeling from me, but I am the only one who can actually answer what is best for me. I started to really get this almost twenty years ago.

    “If it sounds ‘off’ to you, it probably is. Trust your instincts,” he said.

    This was on a phone call taking place across the Atlantic Ocean in the middle of the night. A mentor of mine, in a successful network marketing business, had turned whistleblower. He gave interviews for the national press and was featured on Dateline NBC.

    I’ll never forget it. I had been part of that business for seven years. There was nothing wrong with the plan to make money; it was legitimate. There was a personal development ‘system’ that sat alongside it that also worked well; the growth I had undergone was undeniable and worth every penny.

    It was the secretive approach of those in positions of influence, the concealed gains from the ‘system’ and the part that played in their projected lifestyles of success to entice others to follow suit, that was the problem.

    At best, there was a lack of transparency. At worst, I could say there was a deliberate attempt to deceive in order to continue to line the pockets of those in positions of influence. I had suppressed the “there is something I’m not being told” feeling often. When I heard what my mentor—one of the previous elite—had to say, I felt a sense of relief; I could trust my intuition after all.

    That was in my twenties. Between then and now I have done a lot of work to try and retrieve my sense of who I am, what the inner me actually thinks and feels about things. It isn’t easy; I can never ‘undo’ the experiences I have had, but I have come to look at them in a new light.

    I have learned that all anyone has to offer is an opinion. It doesn’t matter what the subject is, who the person or body is, or how highly you hold them in your esteem; it is simply an opinion. Just look at how many ‘experts’ in any given field disagree. The only truth is one that is felt by the heart, and it differs from person to person, from moment to moment; it is as unique as that cocktail that we each are.

    Stepping authentically into the world isn’t easy. The feelings attached to those earlier opinions, boundaries, and consequences are part of the fabric of who I am, but I step anyway.

    And with each step, together with my new vantage point and the support of others who cheer me on in this quest, my confidence gathers and new habits form. Best of all, I feel happier inside, like life is for the taking now, not in some imaginary future when I’ve satisfied everyone else’s needs.

    Each time someone asks for my advice, I always remind them to take only what resonates. But it is no surprise to me that people more often than not doubt themselves and look to others for answers. Someone once left a comment on my blog with contact details for a guru they viewed as having solved their problem for them, but that just told me they had given their power away.

    It’s great when I can look to others as support, or even a facilitator, but if I see them as the person who solved my problems for me, I become reliant on them again and again. I increase their power and decrease my own, in my head.

    And that is the real issue. This is about our thoughts, the things we believe to be true.

    The only reason someone else is able to appear as if they have solved my problem for me, is because I don’t understand and can’t see my own part in solving it. The very fact that I see whatever it is as a problem creates a resistance in me to seeing the solution. It’s like when I ‘lose’ my keys. I tell myself that I “can’t see” them and this literally blinds me to them.

    Other people’s problems don’t seem as insurmountable, though; we tend to hold less doubt about others’ abilities than our own. So someone else’s belief in us to solve it, particularly someone held in high esteem or purported as a guru, lowers our resistance to the solution that has been right there for the taking all along.

    There is only one time when I don’t fully trust my intuition, and that is when I am having fears and self-doubts. I am always aware of my entry into to this world, the well-meaning opinions that shaped my early beliefs. I know how much self-doubt I still hold despite years of focusing on things to build my self-esteem.

    While I have a great gift for understanding others and their dilemmas, when turning that on myself in moments of stress, I know my ability to read between the lines can develop into more of paranoia. That is when I find it useful to look to someone else to help facilitate me seeing what is truly going on.

    But there are other pointers—the things happening around me, the way my body is feeling, the dreams I am having—all these things can tell me what is really going on beneath the surface more objectively than my mind.

    While ideally I would have liked to have been born into a world that taught me to nurture and value my inner knowing, my intuition, right from the outset, simply becoming aware of it and practicing using it often also gets great results.

    For example, moving to New Zealand, even moving within New Zealand to a new city in recent years, these have been intuitive moves. While my head could explain the rationale, overriding all of it was this sense of “it felt right.”

    Trusting what feels right for us, and having the courage to follow up on it, this is what gives us the power to create our best life.

    I sometimes get blog comments from people who really push and prod me on this point, a point that I think is absolutely critical to understand—that any one of us has the power to change our life at any point.

    It doesn’t matter if you are lonely, penniless, homeless, overweight, underweight, sick, really sick, feel useless, are an abusee, an abuser, or even a psychopath, while there is breath in your body and conscious thoughts in your head, I believe we all have the power to change, with no exceptions.

    I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s possible.

    A quick Google search will fill your cup with example after example of people who have turned their lives around. Libraries and bookstores are filled with in-depth accounts of people who have changed their lives for the better. The inspiration is there, the tips and tricks and opinions are there, you just need one thing—to believe you can.

    And, as I have said, if you can’t quite believe it of yourself consistently enough to keep going, find someone who believes in you until you begin to prove them right.

    While other people can’t live your life for you, they can help boost your confidence when you want to make changes. If you need to increase your self-confidence, find those who support the kind of changes you’d like to make and let their belief in you be the thing that nudges you forward. Today, with online communities and forums, it is easier than ever to find what you need. Though you will be surprised at how other people show up in your life when you least expect it.

    Start by creating a conscious awareness of your self-defeating thought patterns and behaviors. Becoming aware of what is going on is crucial since 90% of our thought patterns are just a recurrence of yesterdays’ and, like anything we do repeatedly, we become less aware. The easiest way to turn this around is through meditation and taking some regular time to just contemplate.

    Take the time to hear your own thoughts, to truly feel into your own feelings, to begin to trust your own intuition. This is your true opinion of anything, and it’s the only one that counts. With it, you can start to contemplate positive changes in your life, looking for examples of when things have worked out for you in the past.

    And, finally, consider a life where others you know are equally aware of their own thoughts and feelings, their own insights and intuition. A world where people are focused on their own authentic happiness rather than in pursuit of trying to be ‘good enough’ to satisfy others’ standards. To me, this feels like a happier world—less judgmental, more free; free to evolve. We can help create this world by showing the people around us what it looks like to trust ourselves.

    Consider taking this step for yourself, and your loved ones, and you will not only change your life for the better, you will have changed our world for the better.

  • Why Your Positive Attitude Might Be Hurting You

    Why Your Positive Attitude Might Be Hurting You

    “Positivity is a dogmatic insistence on turning away from what is painful.” ~Susan Piver, Wisdom of a Broken Heart

    What if I told you there may be a flaw in positive thinking?

    How could being positive possibly be unhelpful?

    To some extent, positivity can be beneficial. In my life I’ve found optimism to be quite wonderful, crucial even.

    Being around people who are generally positive is just far more pleasant than being around people who are constantly negative. Life seems a little bit more manageable when you can practice gratitude. Smiles are had and spirits are lifted with simple platitudes like c’est la vie and it is what it is! Not only is it helpful, but optimism can actually provide a number of benefits.

    There was a study done by the University of Kentucky where nuns were rated on a positivity scale based on their diaries in the 1930’s. Sixty years later researchers found that some of these ladies, aged seventy-five to ninety, were still alive. The survivors were mostly the women who scored high on the positivity test, insinuating that happiness leads to a longer life.

    Happiness expert and psychologist Michael F. Scheier says that optimists do better in life than pessimists because they’re problem solvers and have better coping mechanisms. Dealing with trauma from earlier in my life has been made much easier by having these two things at my disposal.

    In her Broaden and Build Theory, psychologist Barbara Fredrickson has discovered a model of how positivity interacts with resilience. She states that people who are more positive have more physical, psychological, and social resources. They may be better able to exercise, more able to keep away from rumination, and they have the best of buds to cry to.

    When my grandmother died, I was devastated. How could I possibly draw positivity from death? Well, it turns out that I can and I did. My coping mechanism was to gain life lessons. In fact, her passing was the catalyst for me to get sober. I began to cope in a healthier way, without the crutch of substances. I had to adapt to see the sunlight, and optimism brought me there.

    I now have great positive coping mechanisms like meditation, playing hockey, and the ability to discuss emotional matters with others. I regularly practice gratitude; I even write a daily gratitude list and send it to a friend. I express my appreciation for things like my job (which isn’t always perfect), being able-bodied, and having financial security.

    Don’t get me wrong here, I love optimism; I just can’t help but look at where it fails us.

    I used to be the “fine” queen. When someone asked me how I was doing I was always “fine.” Whenever something happened, maybe someone did something to wrong me, like the guy I was dating being a real jerk, it was “fine.” I was the girl who kept the smile on her face.

    I was bubbly and eternally positive, no matter what the situation. While on the surface this may seem like a wonderful trait in a person, in practice it meant that my needs weren’t being met, I was letting people treat me poorly, and I wasn’t always listening to my mind, body, or spirit.

    To grow from this has been a long journey of realizing that it’s okay (even important) to slow down and take a look at what’s going on. It’s necessary to give my feelings space and let them come out to play. I learned this through heartache after heartache. Breakups, dreams crushed, and death—all of these things helped me to discover that I deserved my own presence.

    Heartbreak shook me to the core, leaving me feeling like I’d never be okay again. The feelings I had at that time demanded to be felt; there was no getting around it. In order to move past the suffering, I needed to feel it. I couldn’t tell myself I was fine or that everything was going to be okay. I just needed to sit with the hurt.

    Sure, there were good things that came from heartbreak like lessons learned and new opportunities, but there were also times when I just needed to feel, heal, and deal. I needed to look my heartache squarely in the face, cry, and let my facing it begin to repair the damage done.

    My dreams were crushed when I got into an Ivy League university and realized that I couldn’t attend for financial and personal reasons. I was totally devastated. Through this, though, I realized that it was okay to hold my sadness. I was allowed to hold joy for being admitted in the first place while I could also leave space for my tears.

    Man did I spill tears when my grandmother died. It felt like my heart had been put through a meat grinder, and the pieces were never going to fit back together again. I cried in the grocery store and at the mall, I couldn’t mask what I was feeling. I couldn’t plaster that fake smile on, and when someone asked me how I was doing, the answer was often “not so good.”

    Little did I know that these experiences were gifts, moving me closer to being with myself. They encouraged me (with much force sometimes) to be with my truth, to be with the heart of the matter without turning away.

    Allowing and visiting feelings may take the form of letting myself cry without redirecting my attention anywhere else. Just giving myself the space to cry without judgment. Letting myself cry until there are no more tears to spill, or even telling myself that it’s okay if I don’t stop crying when I’d like to.

    It’s also leaning in, asking myself, “What’s going on, darling?” and listening to the answer, however difficult. It’s being able to sit with that raw feeling of vulnerability in my chest.

    Instead of being with what’s in your heart, many people put up a wall. Susan Piver puts it beautifully in her book Wisdom of a Broken Heart, “Positive thought is a method of stepping away from what ails you rather than toward it.” You’re often stepping away with avoidance, because who wants to feel the tough stuff?

    Leaning into that takes work and courage. It’s a societal norm to avoid feeling pain. We hate it; we’ll avoid it at all costs. That’s just what we do: mask our struggles. At work, in life, even in relationships with loved ones.

    There’s a pressure to be okay and put a game face on. This pressure comes from the idea that you should always aim for positivity, in all cases. This is what Susan Piver coined the “Cult of Positivity,” continually turning away from what is uncomfortable and painful. I have two big bones to pick with “positivity:”

    1. I don’t believe the bad in the world has happened because you were too negative.

    2. I don’t believe that looking at the bright side of things is always the answer to solving life’s problems.

    There are those who believe that positive thinking undoubtedly makes their lives much better. In many ways this is true. However, not so much when it comes to what happens to you in the world. No matter how positive you think, the outcome of your cancer is going to be the same.

    Alternatively, you can have wonderfully positive thoughts and still end up homeless or jobless. I dislike the idea of a “positive mind, positive life.” It ends up victim-blaming because people may feel at fault for something they had no control over.

    I’ve experienced this as someone who deals with mental health issues. I’ve had people tell me to just suck it up and think more positively. Don’t you think if it was that easy there wouldn’t be mental illness? No one wants to be depressed. It’s just not that simple.

    Optimism doesn’t cure crippling bipolar or bring you out of a depressive funk. Telling someone that they can control the outcome of their illness is just placing blame when there’s no blame to be had.

    The idea that someone has control over all outcomes in their life baffles me. For example, the book The Secret is about the Law of Attraction. What you put out in the world is what comes back to you, according to author Rhonda Byrne. If you put out those positive vibes you’ll reap the rewards, like a good seat at the movie theater or a gorgeous partner.

    This insinuates that you deserve it when bad things happen to you just as you deserve it when good things happen. It’s similar to some sort of merit system. I don’t believe a tragic accident happens because someone didn’t practice enough positivity. On the same token, even something like hitting the lottery is pure luck rather than an expression of a manifestation.

    Next, always looking on the bright side to answer life’s problems is just a way to avoid feeling. It’s superficial. It’s okay, important even, to be sunny, but it becomes problematic when your feelings are lying untouched below the surface. There’s nothing to be gained by lying to the world and saying that everything is fine when it’s not.

    Sometimes I feel like I need to “practice gratitude” when I’m sharing my struggles with a friend. I’ll tell them all about what’s ailing me, then I’ll quickly bookend my concerns with something I’m grateful for.

    While gratitude is a magnificently powerful practice, I may be selling myself short here, missing out on digging just a little deeper into what’s going on. Instead of turning away from my suffering, I could turn toward it to take a peek and to let it be felt.

    So, what to do with all of this? Next time a close friend says “good” when you ask them how they’re doing, try asking them how they’re really doing. You’ll likely take them off-guard, but it’ll worth it to help them open up. Listen to their answer.

    In yourself, watch for those moments where you’re quick to shut a feeling down. Look out for “buts,” like when you say, “I had a crummy weekend but it’s totally fine.” Practice just letting the tough stuff hang there. Don’t try to make it better for a moment.

    Of course, eventually, you do want to move on, and positivity can come in here. Once you’ve looked squarely at your stuff, then is the time to find something to be grateful for. It’s the time to make a joke or spew a platitude. Then you’ve really honored yourself, allowed yourself to be seen. Because only when you’re seen can the real healing begin.

  • It’s Oversimplified to Say Happiness Is a Choice

    It’s Oversimplified to Say Happiness Is a Choice

  • Why My Chronic Illness Can’t Stop Me from Making a Difference in the World

    Why My Chronic Illness Can’t Stop Me from Making a Difference in the World

    “We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” ~Mary Dunbar

    What is one eye-opening experience should everyone have?

    I stumbled upon this question a few weeks ago and it got me into deep introspection.

    The first thing that came to my mind made me feel both happy and sad. The smile faded as soon as it crossed my face.

    Let me explain…

    My Eye-Opening Experience

    One eye-opening experience I had and believe everyone should have is spending time with poor kids.

    I love children.

    I’m one of those people who gets wowed when kids can count one to three or recite the alphabet by heart. I was a teacher, and the kids were my favorite students. I’ve met and played with a lot of kids, but my experience with poor kids was extra special.

    In 2012, my friend invited me to visit some kids in a community that I had never heard of. I wasn’t from an affluent family, but I had never seen real poverty up close.

    Tiny and crowded homes made with light materials, no electricity and/or running water for many families, and malnourished, sick, and dirty kids.

    We visited them at least once a week to teach family values, spirituality, and hygiene. We fed them, played with them, and most importantly, we loved them. These were fifty to a hundred kids ages two to sixteen.

    Our leader tasked me to interview ten kids in a span of ten months. The organization that sponsored our feeding program for two years required us to submit these reports monthly.

    I had the privilege to choose which kid to interview per month. I chose kids with different personalities. The shy ones. The playful ones. And the wallflowers.

    I will treasure those interviews forever. The one-on-one talks with these children were life-changing for me. They were the intimate encounters I looked forward to every month.

    I got the rare chance to know their stories in a deep way.

    It was heartbreaking to hear that some kids missed schools because they didn’t have food to eat. Some kids were made fun of because of how they looked. Others had to scavenge and collect recyclables in the streets to sell and help their families earn some money.

    Despite the cold meals and floors, lack of basic needs, and other daily struggles, they had a sparkle in their eyes and sweetness in their smiles. Their resilience was so unbelievable that I had no doubt that one day, they will change the world.

    Words are not enough to explain my thoughts and feelings through this experience. But this experience has given me a new set of lenses that allowed me to see the world in a different way.

    I learned to be more generous, self-giving, loving, and compassionate. The words “gratitude” and “appreciation” became deeper and more meaningful. I learned to view this life beyond me.

    This was my weekly routine for three years until…

    I Had A Relapse

    I stopped going and seeing these kids. Now, this is why the thought of this eye-opening experience gave me mixed emotions. You see, I’ve been fighting chronic illnesses for about ten years, but in 2016, my health took its turn for the worse.

    My dizzy spells became more intense and frequent. I couldn’t stand the outdoors because it was either too hot or too cold for me. I was like a battery that wouldn’t charge up.

    I’ve accepted that my doctors couldn’t give me straight answers (yet) on what has been going on with me. But it was frustrating when my world came to a halt. Again.

    While my recovery has been consistent (slow and steady), I still don’t know if I can go back and serve these kids again. I don’t know if my body could still handle it.

    In a way, I felt my chronic illness robbed my purpose and self-worth once again. I just wanted to serve. What’s wrong with that?

    But one day, I thought that service to humanity takes different forms, shapes, and sizes. Nothing is too big or too small. As long as you give with all your heart.

    I realized I could get around my chronic illness and still help make a difference one life at a time.

    Nothing fancy. Nothing grand. Just me and my warm and sometimes wimpy heart.

    Modern Calligraphy

    Initially, I did this for myself. It was out of boredom, stress, and frustration.

    When I was mostly homebound, I looked for a new hobby that would help me get out of my head and feel the excitement of trying something new again.

    Affirmations, verses, quotes, and words of encouragement that spoke to me took me on a whole new level when I see them beautifully written in bouncy and flowy letters. Every stroke helped me focus, meditate, and relax. Even when the strokes were shaky, I was amused by the work of my hands.

    When I became a little more confident, I decided to share my creations with the world. I set up a public IG account with the goal to edify women with chronic illness through modern calligraphy.

    I also make notes for family and friends extra special with the beautiful and free strokes of modern calligraphy.

    World Vision

    I may not be able to serve and spend time with dozens of kids all at the same time, and that’s okay. Changing one kid’s life would be more than enough.

    Last year, I decided to sponsor one child through World Vision. It was another opportunity for me to have a personal connection with a child from a poor community.

    It’s a humbling experience to help the child to pay for school supplies, uniform, and other expenses. Through this program, her community benefits, too.

    My eyes and heart well up when I get their regular updates with photos, community reports, child’s progress, and more.

    Writing

    I’m introverted. I’ve kept a lot of my deepest thoughts to myself. Last year, I decided to be a little bolder and vulnerable by sharing my journey through writing.

    I’ve realized that every story matters. Every story is special. Every story heals.

    Most importantly, we can learn from each other.

    What’s Next

    You don’t need to do something huge to make a positive difference in the world. Regardless of your time, resources, and individual limitations, you can make an impact.

    I encourage you to create a small service project before the year ends. Before that voice of doubt whispers that it’s impossible or it won’t make a dent in the world, let’s sit down and plan for this project.

    Below, you will see a list of questions that serve as your starting point.

    Skills/Talents/Passion: What can I offer?

    1. What did I love to do as a child?
    2. What types of things do family or friends usually seek my help for?
    3. What are my interests?
    4. When do I feel most joyful?
    5. What do I do most naturally?
    6. What is the idea or vision that keeps me up at night?
    7. What am I doing when I feel the most authentic?

    Time: When will I do it?

    1. How much time can I set aside for this project?
    2. How often do I want to do this?
    3. How long can I do it?
    4. When can I start?

    Recipient: Who will I serve?

    1. Where do I feel the happiest?
    2. Who do I care about?
    3. Who are the people going through what I’ve been through? Or going through similar challenges?
    4. Who needs my skills and talents?

    You may not know the answers to all of these questions right now, and that’s okay. Take all the time you need and go through them again whenever you can.

    And remember…

    Small things add up. Small things make bigger things. Small things create ripples.

    Start where you are with what you have.

  • You Have to Feel it to Heal It: The Only Way Out is Through

    You Have to Feel it to Heal It: The Only Way Out is Through

    “Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.” ~Vironika Tugaleva

    I plodded up the half-mile hill that led to my house, my backpack weighing heavily on my shoulders in the insistent summer heat. The mild breeze that drifted off the Boston harbor was a cruel joke, hinting at coolness but offering no respite.

    Recently heartbroken, I felt tears streaming hotly down my cheeks for the third time that day as the pain of my ex-partner’s absence crashed swiftly on my heart.

    I reached out to a trusted friend seeking solace. “Sobbing again” I texted her, knowing she would decipher the pain behind my words. She hesitated for a moment before responding: “Duh.”

    I hiccupped mid-sob, surprised.

    She went on: “Feel it. It’s going to hurt. But every moment you’re sobbing, you’re doing the work. Every moment you’re hurting, you’re healing. The only way out is through.”

    I stared at the screen, digesting her words. That was the last thing I’d expected. I’d expected to be coddled or encouraged to look at the bright side. I’d expected to be force-fed an ice cream cone at J.P. Licks.

    This was different. For the first time in my grieving process, I wasn’t told to gloss over my feelings with a coat of rose-colored paint. Someone I trusted was encouraging me to feel my pain in its entirety. Through her eyes, my pain was valid and productive—a necessary step on my journey toward healing.

    Her direct acknowledgement of my suffering was the permission I needed to truly feel my pain instead of avoid it. Instead of worrying that I wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy—instead of worrying that I was taking “too long” to heal—I felt like I was doing everything properly.

    I could celebrate the work I was doing, even when that work was breaking into sobs, for the third time that day, on the half-mile walk home.

    My pain and grief had meaning.

    It could serve a purpose.

    It could serve me.

    Since then, I’ve developed a new way of looking at pain:

    When we allow ourselves to fully experience painful or uncomfortable feelings, we are doing work. Sitting with our feelings instead of disengaging or distracting ourselves is work.

    Once we accept that we are doing work, we can silence our internal critic that believes that feeling pain means we’re “doing something wrong.” Instead, we begin to understand that feeling our pain is important and productive.

    When we understand the true nature of our work, we can summon compassion for ourselves as we move through our uncomfortable feelings on the path to healing, peace, and wholeness.

    This framework has changed my life. I’ve applied it to my most acutely painful emotions, like heartbreak, as well as milder ones, like unease.

    Last month on a stormy Friday night, for example, a tide of anxiety rolled through me. Instead of texting my friends or sweethearts to organize an impromptu rendezvous—a surefire way to distract myself—I turned on my air conditioner, donned the biggest sweater I could find, and cuddled my pillow as I watched the rain streak down my window.

    It felt uncomfortable. I felt the familiar tightness in my chest and shortness in my breath.

    “You’re being anti-social!” nagged my inner critic. “You’re being boring. It’s Friday! You’re not trying hard enough.”

    I took a deep breath and put my hand over my heart. I am doing work, I said firmly into my heart. This is important. I kept my hand on my chest, repeating these mantras in time with the falling rain, until my inner critic’s voice was an echo of an echo.

    When I woke up the next morning to a clear blue sky and a bout of energy, I took pride in how I’d weathered the storm, so to speak. I learned that my anxiety was impermanent and, most importantly, manageable. 

    Then there are those darkest moments of sorrow, the moments when grief shakes even our sturdiest foundations. When we lose a loved one. When illness consumes us. When we experience a tragedy so emotionally excruciating that it redefines our very understanding of pain.

    In these moments, when we can’t find a single silver lining for miles, we can summon the courage to sit with our sorrow. We can find solace in the truth that there is simply nothing else to do.

    Experiencing our grief—if only for moments at a time—is work. This is the work of living on this Earth, of being human, and of surviving the universal rites of passage that mark our lives as we age.

    When I feel existentially lost, isolated, and convinced of the meaninglessness of my pain, I take a moment to witness the people around me. I watch people walking hand in hand at the park, or reading novels on the train, or sunbathing at the beach.

    Somehow, the vast majority of people around me have weathered similarly painful times. The mere fact of their existence, when I’m certain I will shatter into nothingness, is strength enough to soldier on.

    Before I learned the benefit of sitting with my feelings, doing work of this nature didn’t appeal to me. Why wallow in sorrow when you could just do something about it? I wondered. 

    When I felt uncomfortable, I would find a way to occupy my time and distract my heart. I’d burrow my nose in a screen until I was only dimly aware of the world around me; call one friend after another, repeating the same painful story, swimming concentric circles around my pain without ever diving in; grab a pen and scribble a to-do list to feel the rush of purposefulness at the expense of true catharsis.

    In retrospect, it’s easy to see that my “coping strategies” were no such thing.

    When we distract ourselves from our pain with a flurry of motion, we fool ourselves into thinking we’re being productive. We fall victim to the addictive high of the quick fix. But as any hard worker in any field will tell you, there is no substitute for good, hard work. Work that gives us a sense of our own intrinsic worth and yields desirable results. 

    Which begs the question: Given the undeniable difficulty of this brand of work, why do it at all? What is the reward for expending such mental and physical effort?

    Different folks will offer different answers. As for me, I’ve always believed that our purpose on this earth is to live our richest, most beautiful lives. Anything less seems like a terrible waste of the gift of conscious experience.

    I believe that in order to live such lives, we must live our essential truth. Living our essential truth means making the conscious effort to feel the spectrum of our pain, magnificent and minor. It means giving ourselves permission to feel emotions as they are, and rid our lives of the pressures to conform, perform, and self-delude.

    When we act in accordance with our deepest feelings, our lives become simpler. Instead of constantly choosing how to act or what to say—spurring waterfalls of anxiety and self-doubt –there is always one choice: the choice that is true for us. The choice that we feel in our hearts.

    The next time you are hurting, uncomfortable, or lonely, feel your pain. Feel as much of it as you can bear. Your pain is a necessary step on your journey towards healing. And remember:

    You are doing your best.

    You are healing at exactly the right pace.

    You are doing work.

    Your work has meaning.

    It can serve a purpose.

    It can serve you.

  • The ABCs of Personal Growth: How to Live a Meaningful, Fulfilling Life

    The ABCs of Personal Growth: How to Live a Meaningful, Fulfilling Life

    “Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” ~Karen Kaiser Clark

    Throughout my life, I’ve moved countries, studied a foreign language, changed careers, launched a business, run a half marathon, written a book, faced agonizing loss and grief, won awards, been deeply hurt, created awesome charity campaigns, lived with huge uncertainty and pain, found love and friendships to cherish, and given birth to three miraculous humans.

    Throughout these and plenty more crazy, insane, complex, and utterly beautiful life events, I have collected treasured building blocks that help me live a life of meaning, purpose, and joy every single day.

    I want to share them with you in the hope that throughout your own daily trials and triumphs, you can use these ABCs to help you create a life you love.

    Transformation is not a switch; it’s more like a gauge.

    The beauty is that you don’t have to flip a button and practice and internalize all twenty-six letters instantaneously.

    Like learning anything, start with just one at a time.

    Once you’ve mastered it, add another.

    With consistent repetition, you’ll be fluent, and these personal growth building blocks will lay a magnificent foundation for all your life’s work.

    You are the author. You hold the pen. You get to learn and read and write your own masterpiece, chapter by chapter, line by line, letter by letter.

    You are the hero of your own story.

    So let’s get back to basics: the ABCs of personal growth.

    Acknowledge:

    Knowing your strengths, talents, and abilities is the first step to unleashing your potential and power and creating meaning and lasting transformation. We are all blessed with so many wonderful gifts, but we can’t unwrap and share them with others if we fail to acknowledge what they are. Acknowledge yours today! What are you good at? What do people come to you for help with? What experiences have you gone through, and what have you learned from them?

    Blessings:

    Blessings are all around us. If we choose to look for them, we will certainly find them. What are you grateful for? What makes you smile? What positives do you notice in your life right now? Each day, look for three things to be grateful for. These blessings multiply!

    Control:

    There are so many things in life that we have very little or no control over—what happens to us, what other people say or do. We are not the general managers of the universe. However, we have incredible control over how we choose to respond to every experience we encounter. Our control lies in our attitude and our behavior—our choices. Choose wisely.

    Discipline:

    The master key to success lies in discipline. We are surrounded by enticing temptations and obstacles that deflect us from our goals all the time. Discipline is like a muscle; the more we work on building this skill, the more we develop excellent habits that bring us closer to achieving our biggest success.

    Discipline means asking yourself: What is the very best use of my time right now? And then consistently following through. Small increments every day lead to tidal waves of success—step by step, day by day with consistent discipline and dedication.

    Encouragement:

    We are all fighting battles, and a gentle word that offers hope and support can literally save a dream.

    Are you an encourager or a critic? Do you accentuate problems or encourage solutions and creative thinking? Do you lift people up? Are you inspiring, motivating, and supportive of helping others to get further and reach higher? When we lift others up, we rise. Commit to becoming the most encouraging person you know. The world needs more cheerleaders desperately!

    Focus:

    What would you be doing with your time if you knew you had only six healthy months left to live? Focus all your time, energy, and resources on the things and people that truly matter most to you.

    Vague goals produce vague results. Blurry goals yield blurry outcomes. Take the time to get clear about where you are going and what you’d like to accomplish. Write this down. Then focus. Whatever we focus on grows. Get clear and then laser focus on your most meaningful priorities. Don’t sweat the other stuff. Keep it simple and focus on what you care most about.

    Give:

    Giving to another person and knowing our contribution has had a lasting impact creates true happiness and peace of mind. Anytime you give, you grow; every time you give, you get, whether it’s a kind word, giving charity, volunteering, or connecting to a cause that speaks to you. Your giving has the power to light up the world.

    Ask yourself each morning: How can I give of myself today? How can I show up more fully? How can I be of value and service today? How can I contribute today? What difference can I make today?

    Help:

    Think about the people you look up to, those who already are where you’d most love to be. Ask them how they did it. Reach out to the experts. Spend time with them. Learn from them. Get their help. Use the love and support of family and friends to spark your bravery and courage.

    Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Make a list of where you need a hand and a list of people who could become your greatest helpers on your journey. We’re beings of social interest. Helping is who we are. We thrive when we help.

    Give and get help wherever you can. It’s a showcase of wholehearted and vulnerable living, which makes you real. People like helping real people. We’re all just walking each other home at the end of the day. That’s what it’s all about.

    Inspiration:

    Read, learn, blog, journal, go to classes and talks and lectures that inspire you. Commit to starting and ending your day with inspiration. One minute of inspiration can ignite a passion inside of you that can alter the course of your life forever.

    Get out more, be curious, ask questions, become more open-minded. Inspiration is everywhere. Look for it. Inspiration is what charges us. When we are charged we grow. When we grow, we are happy.

    Joy:

    Choose to become joyful. Appreciate the gift of life. Each moment is precious, and fragile, and denied to many. Laugh and smile, have fun, and lighten up. If you see someone walking around without a smile, offer them one of yours.

    Not feeling like you have joy to share? What lights you up? Do you have a list that you can plug into your week?

    My joy list includes: a delicious cup of coffee, time with the people I love, a great run or workout, reading something magnificent, laughing and watching the sunset, to name but a few. I make sure to do these daily. You’d be amazed how many people love writing and sharing their joy list, but they forget to schedule and do the very things that bring them joy. Create your list and then live it—joyfully.

    Kindness:

    Imagine a world where each person is deeply and truly devoted to kindness. Let’s work on being the kindest spouse, friend, parent, manager, employee, coach, and child we can be. I truly believe that kindness is the only thing that will change and save the world. Tiny acts of kindness create ripples so far and wide, we can’t begin to comprehend just how far they can reach.

    Learn:

    I am known to be a forever student. As I complete one course, I enroll in another. My bedside table has a tower of books and I soak up learning with a desert-like thirst.

    When we learn, we open our minds and discover new possibilities. We can learn to pioneer anything! The sky is the limit. Let’s give ourselves permission to try new things, take risks, and be humble enough to learn from new leaders and teachers.

    Lessons are all around us. Failure can become our greatest teacher. Mistakes can become our greatest mentors. Make sure you spend time with people who know more than you. It’s humbling and awe-inspiring. Write a list of some of the things you’d love to learn this year. Each day, record one new thing you didn’t know before. Watch your horizons expand exponentially!

    Mindfulness Meditation:

    Slow down. Take time to breathe. Mindfulness offers incomparable value to the human spirit, psyche, and body. Dedicate a set time each day to pausing, being truly present, and listening to your soul and inner wisdom.

    The research available on the huge benefits of meditation is mind-blowing. Treat yourself and everyone you love to the gift of meditation. Even a few minutes a day has the power to awaken, elevate, transform, and enhance your life in ways you can’t begin to imagine.

    Neuroscience has evidence today that meditation literally rewires your brain and can change your thinking, habits, and negative beliefs. It’s miraculous and it’s accessible to every one of us. Try it for yourself. Start to live a mindful life of greater peace.

    Never:

    Never give up. Never do a permanent act based on a temporary feeling. Never say, “It’s impossible” when really, it’s just hard. Never listen to naysayers and non-believers. Never push aside a dream that means the world to you because of the time or effort it’s going to take to make it happen.

    If today, “Never” is all you do, it’s more than enough, it’s plenty; in fact, it’s everything.

    Optimism:

    When we are optimistic, failure is merely feedback giving us significant information; hardships are learning experiences that help us grow and build resilience for bigger things; and even the most miserable day always holds the promise that “tomorrow will be better.”

    Today, when faced with adversity, ask yourself: What would an optimist do right now? What would they try? What’s might be possible because of your optimistic outlook? What can you see that you never saw before?

    The optimist sees the sunset and knows that even the most awful days can still end beautifully. The optimist knows that a few steps backward after moving forwards is not a disaster, it’s just a cha-cha, and the optimist knows that the cup is refillable!

    Prioritize:

    Prioritize your life so that your highest value activities take preference. Enhance and refine your time management skills so that you are able to identify what tasks you need to tackle first. Say yes to your priorities and make each day count. When you live this way, there is no regret.

    Complete your highest value activity first so that it’s done. Done is better than perfect. Get the important stuff done before anything else. Always prioritize in writing. It’s not enough to merely think about what matters most to do; grab pen and paper to record and track your priorities so that you can measure and accomplish them every single day. Start today. Plan for tomorrow. Celebrate a life that’s not wasted!

    Quit:

    Originally I was going to share a long list of things to quit—like complaining, making excuses, indulging negative habits, staying in the same place when you’re itching to move, and letting fear and naysayers control your life. Then I realized it’s human nature to do some of these things from time to time. So work on these things, but quit being hard on yourself when you struggle.

    You will never be able to completely stop doing all things that are unhealthy for you, but you can always give yourself credit for trying.

    Release:

    What are you carrying right now that is too heavy? Every day, practice letting go of the things that weigh you down.

    It’s not easy to let go of regret, mistakes, anger, resentment, ego, jealousy, and comparison, but each day offers us abundant opportunity to practice. Try to catch yourself when you’re getting caught up in a story in your head so you can take a few deep breaths, center yourself, and free up your energy for the people and things that bring you peace and purpose.

    Sorry:

    We all need to learn how to apologize to those we’ve hurt, intentionally or unintentionally. And though we all deserve the same in return, we also need to learn to accept an apology we were never given. Then, we can move forward without anger. Forgiveness is a gift both to others and ourselves.

    Let’s decide today to be courageous by apologizing or offering forgiveness.

    Turning the page allows us to move on to the next chapter of the story. We can’t do this if we keep re-reading the one we’re currently stuck on.

    Thank You:

    We all want to be acknowledged for our efforts. “Thank you” is such a simple phrase, yet it means so very much.

    Recognizing what others do for us not only reminds us to be modest and humble, but it opens doors to more deeper and meaningful relationships, enhances our empathy, and improves our psychological and physical health.

    Who can you thank today? Start with one person and extend your appreciation as far and wide as you possibly can.

    Unplug:

    Unplug from technology. Switch off. Spend time with yourself, by yourself. One of the greatest discoveries of self-transformation and personal development is not only getting to know yourself, but getting to like what you find.

    Connect to all your loved ones. Look people in the eye. Listen with all of your senses. We miss out on so much when we are plugged in to devices rather than to hearts.

    Spend time in nature. How can you redesign your day so that you create time outside? Do you take regular breaks? When was your last vacation? When was the last time you admired a flower? Do yourself a favor when you have the time. Take off your shoes and go walk outside barefoot on the grass. Watch the sunset. Play with a ladybug. Stare at the clouds. Just be.

    Voice:

    Speak your truth. Wear your passion. Let people know what you care about. Let people get to know the real, beautiful, one-of-a-kind you and what you stand for.

    You have a unique voice. You have greatness within you. You have something the world needs. That’s why you are here. Use your voice to speak your goals. Use your voice to care. Use your voice to inspire. Use your voice to make positive change. Use your voice to pray. Use your voice to sing. Use your voice to laugh. Use your voice to help. Use your voice to care. Use your voice to love. Speak up.

    Work:

    Even the most brilliant, tried-and-tested life tools in the world can’t work, unless you do. There are no quick fixes or magic wand. Real transformation is a slow, gradual, and real process that requires hard work and consistent effort. With commitment and dedication to working hard, nothing can stand in your way of moving forward.

    Hard work means that we are willing to try, fall, and stand up again; we are willing to be bold; and we are willing to face ridicule and criticism. Work on your goals each day, step by step. We are designed to grow. As we work toward our dreams, with patience, comes tremendous reward. What you put in is what you get out.

    eXtra:

    Don’t be someone who just does the bare minimum required in life. Go the extra mile and do more than you did before.

    Expand your comfort zone with extra focus, extra power, extra love, and extra drive.

    The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is just that little extra. Today, where can you show up a little EXTRA?

    Yesterday:

    Leave it behind. Glance back to see how far you have come, but keep moving forward. Leave your past mistakes behind you. Yesterday just determines your starting point for today. It in no way predicts how far you can go.

    Live now, savor the present, and plan wisely for tomorrow. Don’t get stuck in what was, you don’t live there anymore. Today is a new day to set new intentions, get inspired and motivated, and start taking meaningful action toward your goals.

    Zest:

    Do you do things just because, or do you do things with fervor, zeal, passion, energy, and enthusiasm?

    Where in your life are you still fast asleep? Where are you merely snoozing or drifting aimlessly?

    Now is the time to wake up. Choose one thing to do today that makes you come alive.

    Today, you get to decide to be accountable, not helpless; you get to decide to be interested, not indifferent. You get to live your life today on fire. You get to put your whole heart into something.

    What is the first thing you’re going to do, right now, to get the momentum rolling?

    —

    Each of these building blocks can stand alone or stand together. Choosing to work on even one of these will have a powerful positive effect on your life. Whether you are the kind of person who prefers a step by step process, one letter at a time, or you love to dive in deep and work on multiple tracks, these ABCs will give you an outstanding foundation on which to build a more purposeful, happier, and fulfilling life.

  • How Yogic Breathing Helped Me Overcome Chronic Panic Attacks

    How Yogic Breathing Helped Me Overcome Chronic Panic Attacks

    “If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” ~Amit Ray

    I’ve battled chronic anxiety and PTSD my entire life and am no stranger to that tight pressure grip that dread and panic can have on the body and mind.

    On my worst days, I’d feel my chest and throat tighten as I struggled to breathe.

    Chronic panic attacks would leave me curled up in the fetal position, unable to move or stop panting.

    On my best days, I’d manage to get by, thanks to my numbing out with food and alcohol, self-medication, or mindless TV watching.

    I wasn’t just battling anxiety; I was in denial about the low-grade, high-functioning depression that, like a dark little storm cloud, hovered over me from the time my eyes opened in the morning till I finally fell asleep at night.

    I tried everything I could to shake it, to blow past the inner turmoil that never seemed to stop churning.

    But I couldn’t.

    I couldn’t make it stop, and I couldn’t make it go away.

    At least not long-term.

    Some things I tried provided brief momentary relief or comfort, though eventually, the feelings of dread, fear, defeat, and overwhelm would resurface yet again.

    I felt trapped. Powerless. Out of control. Doubtful I’d ever be able to experience anything other than this miserable existence.

    I come from a long lineage of various family members with a history of mental disorder and addiction, so I guess you can say it’s in my blood.

    As a young child I grew up witnessing my mother struggle with severe depression, bipolar disorder, and substance abuse problems, all of which eventually led her to several meltdowns and even a suicide attempt.

    So naturally, I was an anxious and fearful little girl who often felt very unsafe.

    My young mind learned early on that in order to survive I had to constantly be on guard.

    My nervous system became accustomed to the constant stress-mode of being in “fight-freeze-or-flight.”

    As my way to cope and make sense of it all, I sought out things that would help me feel in control of myself and my life, even if I accomplished this by numbing out, distracting, or shrinking and playing small.

    How I Found Peace and Courage Through Yogic Breathing

    It wasn’t until I embarked on the yogic path that things really changed for me.

    I turned to yoga in search of answers and natural anxiety relief during one of the lowest points in my life.

    I found comfort in this ancient practice, which taught me that I am not my past and I am not where I come from.

    Thanks to my yoga practice I realized that my anxiety didn’t have to define me.

    I learned that I could indeed rise above my fears, even in the midst of a full blown panic attack.

    I could learn to calm my racing mind and hyper-aroused body by learning to control my breath.

    This is one of yoga’s cornerstone teachings and it’s called pranayama or yogic breathing.

    “When the breath wanders the mind is unsteady. But when the breath is calmed, the mind too will be still.” ~Hatha Yoga Pradipika

    It wasn’t easy to employ these techniques in the middle of an attack, but with practice, time, consistency, and dedication, my panic attacks gradually shifted.

    They lessened their hold on me.

    I haven’t had a panic attack in almost three years.

    So how’d I do it?

    Each time I’d feel the onslaught of an attack, it took everything I had in me to channel my inner yogic warrior and brace myself for the internal battle about to take place.

    “I am not my fear; I am not this panic,” I’d remind myself over and over again as I struggled to breath.

    Sometimes I’d believe myself, other times I wouldn’t, but I kept reminding myself…

    “I am not my fear; I am not this panic.”

    Using The Warrior Breath for Victory

    I used various yogic breathing techniques each time I needed to calm my panicky mind and body.

    One proved particularly effective, so it became a go-to.

    It’s a science-backed technique called Ujjayi Breathing, also known as Warrior Breath and Victorious Breath.

    Uijayi Breathing has a host of mental, physical, and emotional benefits. This breathing technique is known to:

    • Increase resilience for coping with stress, anxiety, anger, and depression effectively
    • Regulate emotions
    • Balance the nervous system
    • Decrease stress response
    • Increase rest/ digest/ relaxation/ regeneration response
    • Regulate blood sugar levels
    • Lower cholesterol
    • Improve sleep cycle and quality
    • Improve digestion
    • Boost immunity
    • Improve respiratory function

    When you practice Ujjayi you create a sound like the ocean’s waves or an animal’s hiss by gently constricting the back of the throat.

    It sort of sounds like Darth Vader in Star Wars.

    Various studies have indicated that Ujjayi can be effective in working with PTSD. It’s been used with Vietnam veterans and natural disaster victims.

    When paired with deep abdominal breathing, Ujjayi can help you deactivate your body’s panic response while activating the soothing, regenerating response.

    The wave-like sounds of this breathing exercise can also provide you with some much needed soothing in the middle of the storm.

    Just a few minutes of Ujjayi breathing can offer you a welcomed sense of control as well as a wave of calm groundedness.

    5 Simple Steps to Take During Your Next Panic Attack

     1. Find solitude. 

    This is probably instinctive during a panic attack, it was for me at least. It’s important to set yourself up to win during this critical time window, so step away from the crowd and go somewhere quiet and where you feel safe. Remind yourself: “I am not my fear; I am not this panic.”

    2. Control your breath.

    In the throes of a panic attack, your body and mind can feel completely out of control. Your breath tends to be short, shallow, and frantic, so it’s important and essential to do what’s in your power to regain control by shifting your breathing. Start to slow your breath down intentionally.

    Here’s how to practice Ujjayi:

    – Place the tip of your tongue on the center of the roof of your mouth, keep it there.

    – Breathe only through your nose.

    – Take a full exhale with the mouth closed.

    – Start breathing like the ocean—constrict the back of your throat as you inhale slowly for six counts and exhale slowly for six counts.

    – As you’re inhaling, engage the lower belly by expanding it outwardly.

    – As you’re exhaling, contract the lower belly by bringing it inwardly toward your spine.

    – Keep repeating this breathing pattern of inhaling for six and exhaling for six until you feel a shift in your body and you’re no longer struggling to keep the pace (preferably a minimum of three minutes).

    3. Breathe with awareness.

    Once you’ve gotten control of your breathing rate with Ujjayi, start to bring awareness to your breathing. Bring your entire awareness to your breath as the air flows into your nostrils and out of your nostrils.

    Follow your breath with total attention. Observe your breathing. Is it long? Let it be long. Is it short? Let it be short. If the mind wanders, bring it back to your breath. Follow the breath and watch it with full presence. This is an excellent mental training that will get easier and easier the more your practice.

    4. Name it.

    Once you’ve connected to your breath and have brought awareness to it you’re ready to notice what is coming up for you and name it.

    A recent study out of UCLA found that the simple act of mindfully naming or labeling our emotions has the power to lessen their intensity. The study looked at brain scans of subjects as they named emotions and found that the part of their brain associated with fear and reactive emotional responses actually became less active. So name what you’re feeling and don’t hesitate… Name “fear,” “panic,” “dread,” “anger,” “scared,” “anxious,” “worried,” “resentful,” and so on.

    5. Keep breathing.

    With each inhale and exhale keep making the ocean’s sound and find your flow with it. Imagine the waves ebbing and flowing around you as you breathe the waves through you. Feel the waves within you. The more you flow with the waves, the more you’ll dissolve panic and activate inner calm.

  • How to Get in Shape When You Feel Lazy and Unmotivated

    How to Get in Shape When You Feel Lazy and Unmotivated

    “Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” ~Jin Ryun

    Can I be brutally honest with you for a moment?

    I was the “fat kid” growing up, and I’ve struggled to find the motivation to lose weight and lead a healthy lifestyle my whole life.

    I first realized I was fat when the teacher asked for a volunteer to play Santa in the third grade Christmas play, and Aaron Valadez loudly blurted out, “Tim would be perfect for the role since he’s already got the belly!”

    I literally died right there. Mortified.

    This was the first time in memory when I turned to food to numb my pain and embarrassment. Congratulations to me, I had discovered the emotional rollercoaster known as binging! A rollercoaster which I would struggle to get off of for my entire life…

    I can pinpoint the exact moment when I told myself enough is enough.

    I was devastated after a recent breakup and was feeling lonely, lost, and depressed.

    These were very uncomfortable emotions. And what do I we when I feel uncomfortable emotions? I eat them, of course!

    Luckily I had a box of cinnamon buns ready for the occasion. I became powerless to stop myself, as the rush of the binge and my inner saboteur had taken hold. In a moment of sheer ecstasy and gluttonous pleasure I ate eight cinnamon buns in one sitting.

    And then….

    The rush was over. The sweet taste provided a fleeting moment of relief.

    Now all that remained was an empty box, an empty apartment, and an empty heart.

    Oh god, what had I done??!!

    I shouldn’t be surprised, I had spent the last three weeks repeating this cycle every night before bed.

    But today as I was cleaning up the crumbs, I decided I’d clean up my act too!

    Tomorrow will be different! I finally had found the motivation to stop the binging, stop the bad habits, and stop treating myself like I was worthless.

    Tomorrow, I thought, will be the day I start a healthy diet, start a daily exercise routine, and start treating myself right!

    But tomorrow never came.

    The next day I was back at it again with the sweets. A moment of relief from the pain of loneliness was far sweeter than anything the gym or a healthy lifestyle had to offer.

    Like a moth to a flame I was powerless to resist the sweet temptation, and I didn’t give a damn about my reputation!

    Only after the damage was done and the sweets gone did I feel motivated to clean up my act. Motivation was never there in the moments I needed it most. Where had my motivation gone and how could I get it back!?

    I’ve discovered that motivation was the last thing I needed. I never found the motivation to stop, and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Motivation is trash.

    Why is Motivation Trash?

    I know we all think motivation is what drives action, but in many cases it’s the other way around—actions create motivation.

    Have you ever felt like you didn’t want to go to the gym, but then once you put on your gym shoes and walked out the door you felt super motivated and ready to go? That’s an example of motivation coming after the action.

    Motivation should never be the sole force driving your actions because it is a temporary emotion. Just like you can’t feel sad or angry all the time, you can’t feel motivated all the time.

    Motivation was not going to save me from my cycle of binging and self-sabotage. My problem was I knew exactly what I needed to do (lose weight), but I didn’t know how or why I wanted to do it.

    I needed to connect to the intention, or the why, behind my goals before I could determine how to follow through on them. It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it that will ultimately drive you to succeed.

    I also needed something that required very little willpower or motivation; what I needed was a habit. 

    The Power of Habit and Intention

    Habits are at the center of everything we do; most waking hours are spent executing one habit after another without even thinking about it.

    What do you do when you wake up? Get out of bed, make the bed, make coffee, drive to work?

    These are all examples of habits that are essential for our daily lives to run smoothly. Because they are so engrained in our brain there is very little thought or resistance that occurs when executing our daily routine.

    In my case, I knew I needed to create a habit to replace my binging and to get off the couch. I wanted to create a habit of a daily fitness routine and get back to the gym.

    Before I could create a habit that would stick, I first had to connect with the intention behind it. A powerful intention is something bigger than just yourself, and is connected to a higher purpose that will have a positive impact on the world.

    A habit infused with a powerful intention is what carries me through to get those workouts in even when I’m not feeling motivated to go.

    How Intentions Can Give or Take Away Your Power

    Intentions are so important because a poorly developed intention can actually drain your energy.

    For instance, when I was stuck in the binge cycle my intention was: I want to lose weight because I don’t want to be a disgusting loser fat slob.

    Surprise, surprise, this intention sucks! The issue is two fold:

    The first problem is that it is not connected to a higher purpose. It’s all about ME ME ME!

    Second, it’s framed in a negative way that reinforces the belief that I am a disgusting fat slob.

    A negative intention like this destroys my self-confidence and willpower and actually makes me more likely to binge again.

    How to Set a Powerful Intention  

    I knew I needed a more powerful intention to carry me through when temptation rears its ugly head!

    My new intention is simple—I want to get in shape to have a healthy life and age gracefully, and I want to inspire others to do the same.

    Notice how this intention is connected to a higher purpose, something greater than just myself—inspiring others.

    With this new intention, it became clear how laying on the couch eating cinnamon buns hurts not just me but those around me as well. This new intention gave me the energy I needed to follow through on my goals and build the right habits into my daily life when motivation was nowhere to be found.

    If you want to create a powerful intention, think about how to connect your goals to something bigger than yourself; this could be having the energy to take care of your family, to help your local community, to save the planet, or anything you want it to be.

    There can be multiple intentions behind a habit; try to find the intention you connect with most and focus on that.

    How Do You Stick to a Habit?

    I found the best way to stick to a habit is first to understand what a habit really is.

    Every habit consists of three parts: cue, routine, and reward.

    Cues are triggers for habits to begin. For instance, my alarm in the morning is the cue that triggers my morning habit, and the routine kicks in. Having a routine is the best because it takes the motivation and decision making out of the process. No longer is energy wasted on the internal debate thinking about if or when I’m going to the gym. There’s no need to make a decision; I just follow the process.

    After the alarm cue I get out of bed, put on my gym clothes, drink a huge glass of water, and then start walking to the gym. When I arrive at the gym I (usually) feel energized and ready to face the workout ahead.

    The most resistance I find to starting a new habit is in this first stage. Remember Newton’s first law of motion? Things in motion tend to stay in motion? Well this law also applies to habits!

    Once you get started, you build momentum and it becomes easier to follow through.

    The Three-Minute Rule

    To encounter the least mental resistance to starting a new habit, the goal is to have the shortest cue time possible. A cue time of three minutes or less is my golden rule. This leaves very little time for willpower to falter.

    Don’t want to exercise? Make putting on your workout clothes the cue that starts your routine. Once your clothes are on and you are in motion you’ll be well on your way to getting that workout in!

    Start Small

    The real secret to creating a new habit is to start out small in the beginning.

    When I wanted to start working out, I told myself I would go to the gym and only exercise for five minutes. After that I would leave. I didn’t plan to exercise; I only planned to show up. I wasn’t worried about the benefits of exercise; I was focused on building the habit.

    I recognized if I didn’t have the habit in place there was no point trying to stick to a routine. Build the habit first and let the rest come naturally.

    The truth is, even today when I don’t want to work out, at the very least I’ll go to the gym for five minutes. Even if all I can manage to do is breathe, that’s okay because I’m keeping my momentum going and my habit intact.

    Of course I almost always stay for more than five minutes; this is a psychological trick I use to get my ass to the gym even when I’m not motivated.

    Importance of Routine

    The second stage of a habit is the routine. This is the actual going to the gym and working out part. Once the cue is complete and the habit solidified in your daily life you can pretty much run on autopilot here.

    Just think of all the times you’ve been driving home from work and arrived in your driveway only to realize you didn’t remember driving home at all. That is an example of a routine that runs on autopilot. Similarly this idea of autopilot can also apply to your workouts once it becomes a habit.

    Reward Reinforces the Habit

    The last stage of any habit is the reward stage. In the case of exercise, the reward for me is feeling energized and focused, and getting the rush of feel good endorphins that follow a good workout.

    Brain activity spikes in the reward stage, and the link between cue and reward is reinforced. This is what makes habits so hard to break. Every time we complete a habit, it gets reinforced in the brain by the reward.

    This means every time I go to the gym it becomes easier to come back because I reinforce the link between the cue and the reward in my brain. Resistance to the workout decreases, and executing my habit of daily exercise becomes easier and easier.

    Pro Tip: Writing out a habit with pen and paper has been shown to dramatically increase follow through.

    Try writing out this sentence (with pen and paper):

    “I’m going to go to exercise on [DAY] at [Time of Day] at [Location]”

     By doing this, not only do you increase your chances of exercising, you also turn your time and space into a cue to commence your new habit. Getting started is the hardest part, so the more cues you have, the greater your chances for success.

    How Working Out Changed My Life

    After I replaced my unhealthy habit of binging with the healthy habit of working out, some rather unexpected benefits occurred in my life. I quit smoking, lost weight, and started making healthy diet choices.

    A healthy diet increased my mental energy and willpower, making it much easier to handle the stress of life. Now, instead of opening a box of cinnamon buns when I’m stressed, I’ll open up my gym bag and head out the door. I now treat myself with the respect I deserve. And it all started by stepping foot in the gym for five minutes a day.

    If you want to make fitness part of your daily life, stop relying on motivation this instant!

    Get connected to the intention behind your goals and make it about something bigger than just yourself.

    Once you have your intention, write down with pen and paper the time and place of your workout to increase your chances for success.

    Create a habit of going to the gym or hiking or practicing yoga or doing whatever exercise you enjoy—the shorter the cue time to begin your fitness routine the more likely you are to follow through.

    Start small and commit to exercising at least five minutes a day. Build the habit before worrying about the actual workouts.

    After you have a habit of exercising, experiment to find a workout plan you find fun and can follow consistently.

    And remember, things in motion stay in motion! Meaning even if you feel like being lazy and sitting on the couch, it’s very likely once you actually get started you will find the motivation for an amazing workout. Remember motivation often comes after the action and not before. Just get started already!!!

    I’m not special. I struggle with my weight and self-image every single day. I have to constantly battle debilitating neurotic thoughts telling me I’m not good and I should just give up. These are some of the tips I used to pick myself up out of a depression and get in shape when I wasn’t feeling motivated. With these tips I know you can do the same!

  • How to Love Yourself Through Cancer or Any Other Terrifying Diagnosis

    How to Love Yourself Through Cancer or Any Other Terrifying Diagnosis

    “If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm.” ~Frank Lane

    One minute your life is just humming along, and out of nowhere you’re hit with a devastating diagnosis. Cancer.

    Believe me, I know what it’s like to get the news you have cancer and to live with the trauma that follows, because I’m not only a licensed psychotherapist, I’ve been treated for both breast cancer and leukemia.

    I know how that diagnosis changes everything. I know how the world around you can still look the same, but suddenly you feel like a stranger in your own life.

    You have trouble getting up in the morning. You have trouble getting to sleep. When you finally get to sleep you’re jolted awake by nightmares. Or maybe you sleep all the time. You can’t eat, or you can’t stop eating.

    You’re drinking too much. You’re smoking too much. You’re terrified, exhausted, and have no idea how you’re going to get through the next few hours, let alone the days, or weeks ahead.

    When I was going through chemo for breast cancer, I read all the books about surviving cancer I could get my hands on. I talked to my oncologist and to other women going through the same thing, trying to find the way to “do cancer right.”

    I worried myself sick that I would get things wrong, until a friend said, “You know, everybody does things differently. Just find what works for you, and do that.” Those words changed everything for me.

    I realized there wasn’t “a right way” to do cancer. There was just the way that worked best for me.

    I believe it’s the same for you. No matter what kind of diagnosis you’re facing, it’s up to you to find what works for you and do that.

    To get you through those tough first days, I’m offering you some thoughts and techniques that worked for me. I hope some of them will work for you, too.

    Be Gentle With Yourself

    When you’re going through a tough time, you may not have the time or energy keep up your usual self-care routine. So, why not let the big things go and start looking for little things you can do instead?

    If you can’t get to the gym, go out for a ten-minute walk at lunch. If you don’t have time to cook a nutritious dinner, add a salad or vegetable to your take-out order.

    Instead of trying to check things off your to-do list, think of ways to make life easier for yourself. If you don’t have time to do something yourself, hire someone, or ask for help.

    Focus on what’s best for you, and that means speaking up for yourself. If you don’t have the time or energy to do something, say “no,” and don’t feel guilty about it.

    Find the Joy

    Be sure to do something you love every day, even if it’s just for a few minutes: sit on a beach, gaze at the stars, read a book, go for a walk, watch a funny You Tube video or TV show. Smile when you can and laugh as often as possible, because laughter connects you with the world in a way that eases anxiety and heals the heart.

    Affirm Courage, Love, and Safety

    What you say to yourself matters. And when you’re going through a tough time, positive self-talk can make a real difference in how you think and feel.

    When I was struggling to find even one positive thought, I found it really helpful to focus on powerful affirmations instead. So, if you find yourself spiraling downward into the depths of negativity, try the following process to break that cycle.

    Healing Affirmations

    Begin by saying your name out loud. Then remind yourself that you’re safe and secure in the moment. Let that feeling soak all the way in to your belly and your bones.

    Once you feel safe, affirm:

    “I have the spirit, will, and courage to meet any challenge ahead.”

    “I can handle anything, one step at a time.”

    “I am always surrounded and protected by light and love.”

    “I speak to myself with loving kindness. I treat myself with loving kindness. I care for myself with loving kindness.”

    “I am always moving in a positive direction toward a positive future.”

    “I am safe.”

    End by promising you will always treasure yourself and honor your beautiful spirit. Affirm courage, love, and safety.

    Nourish Yourself

    Experts recommend eating well, and eliminating sugary and processed foods, alcohol, and caffeine when you’re under stress.

    But maybe you’re having trouble eating anything at all. Or maybe you’re living on chicken noodle soup, pretzels, and chocolate doughnuts.

    Please, give yourself a break. When you’re going through a traumatic experience it’s no time to be following a strict diet or to beat yourself for not eating a balanced diet. Instead, focus on making healthy food choices when you can, and letting go of judgment when you can’t.

    If you find you’re having trouble eating, choose foods you can tolerate and enjoy smaller portions more often through the day.

    If you’re over eating, try eating fruits and vegetables first. Commit to eating only when you’re sitting down. Focus on eating more slowly.

    But if you’ve tried everything you can think of and are still struggling with food, please let your health care provider know what ‘s going on. They’re there to give you support and help in all aspects of your health care.

    Rest

    A good night’s sleep is an important part of healing your body, mind, and spirit, but if you’re struggling to get enough sleep there are a number of things you can do.

    Try going to bed an hour earlier each night. The extra time in bed can give your body some needed rest.

    Once you’re in bed, do your best to keep your focus off your troubles. Relive happy memories, or imagine yourself vacationing in a place where you can relax and enjoy.

    If you haven’t fallen asleep after twenty minutes, get up and do something calming. Write in your journal, do a crossword puzzle, or sip a cup of herbal tea.

    Finally, if you aren’t able to get enough sleep at night, take a nap during the day. Make it a non-negotiable part of your daily schedule. If time is an issue, try scheduling all your activities and responsibilities before lunch, leaving your afternoon for napping or resting.

    Seek Support

    It’s important not to go through this alone. And asking for help is a sign of strength and courage, not weakness.

    When things get rough, call a friend or a family member and ask for support and help.

    If you’re completely overwhelmed and don’t know where to turn, consider getting some professional help. Talking to a mental health provider can give you new insight, hope, and bring you peace.

    Finally, you may also want to consider working with a support group. There’s great power in knowing you’re not the only one suffering this kind of challenge. There are people who are in the same boat and know exactly how you feel.  They may be able to offer comfort and advice in the days ahead.

    Give

    Giving is another powerful way to connect with the people around you. It reminds you of the gifts you still have, and that you’re not the only one going through a tough time.

    There are lots of ways to lend a hand. Offer to drive a neighbor to a medical appointment. Walk the dogs at your local animal shelter. Write a check to your favorite charity or drop a few coins in the donation can as you pass by. Send a card or text to a friend to help them through the day.

    If you’d like to make a longer term commitment, volunteer at your local library, food bank, or senior center.

    And if you think you don’t have any energy or time or left to give, give a compliment. Share a smile or a kind word. You never know how that one small gift could change a life.

    Give Yourself a Healing Hug

    Hugging is a way to give yourself comfort and peace in the middle of any storm. Acupressure is a powerful way to bring ease to both body and spirit.

    I combine both techniques in what I call a healing hug, and highly recommend it to ease fear and panic that can be a part of these tough days.

    Begin by crossing your arms over your chest. There are two important acupressure points located in the soft tissue just under your collarbones called the “letting go” points.

    Chances are that by crossing your arms, your fingertips have landed on those “letting go” points. Take a moment and feel around until you find the spots, about two inches above your armpit crease and an inch inward.

    Once you’re found the points, pull your arms close around you in a comforting, self-hug, and gently massage those “letting go” points with your fingertips. Continue to breathe, noticing on each exhale how the tension and fear flow down your spine and out of your body.

    —

    No matter how difficult or scary your diagnosis, treating yourself with love and kindness will make the journey through the those first tough days easier, and give you a head start on enjoying the sunshine waiting for you on the other side.

  • How I Learned to Trust Others by Learning to Trust Myself

    How I Learned to Trust Others by Learning to Trust Myself

    “You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” ~Frank Crane

    I’ve had trust issues for as long as I can remember, but didn’t realize it until after my divorce.

    Divorce can be a traumatic experience, and in this case, it made me begin to take stock of my life. I began to reflect on my failed romantic relationships and why this was a repeat pattern for me.

    I realized then that I never let people in for fear they will let me down, belittle or make me feel small, or otherwise diminish me in some way. I keep people at a distance, and this impacts my ability to have close, connected relationships.

    I used to think I had trust issues because I grew up in a family where things were not “psychologically safe.” But I’ve come to realize there’s more to it than that.

    Have you ever struggled with trust issues thinking they were caused by something outside yourself? That trust was a matter of what other people did, how they treated you, or how they disappointed you? Maybe it’s time to consider that perhaps your trust issues are more about you than other people.

    While I may have some wounds from not receiving the emotional nurturing I needed when growing up, I have trust issues not because I distrust others, but because I don’t trust myself. What?!

    This was a surprising revelation. But, it helped me realize what I needed to do in order to truly trust other people—that was begin by trusting myself.

    You may have trust issues as well if: 

    • You view people with suspicion about their motives
    • You don’t share your true feelings
    • You assume the worst intentions by others
    • You make every interaction all about you—how could they do this to me?!
    • You doubt your own capabilities and decisions

    What happens when we are operating on a “non-trust” level? We keep ourselves closed off from all the opportunities available to us.

    Let me tell you a story about how this has played out in my life. One day I was out walking along a beautiful beach with a girlfriend. She said, “Wow—these guys around us are really checking you out.”

    “Really?” I asked.

    “That’s your problem!” she said. “You are oblivious.”

    And she was right. I was completely disengaged from the world around me because I didn’t trust it. I wasn’t open to people’s smiles, or their overtures, or even their kindness. I was basically checked out, and I rarely noticed when others made attempts at engagement.

    There have been many occasions when a person was about to open a door for me, but I was so busy being independent that I opened ir myself without even noticing their attempted act of kindness. This left me living a life that was mostly isolating and solo.

    Humans are social creatures, and we need human connection to feel alive and complete. When we cut ourselves off from this life-giving force because we are suspicious and don’t trust others, we harm ourselves more than any act of untrustworthiness we could experience.

    Yes, people will sometimes disappoint us, and yes, people will occasionally do malicious things. But, in the end, we have to get over this. We need to move on from continuously licking our wounds so we can heal them and start living fully again.

    As children we were naturally trusting, sharing our toys, our thoughts, and our hearts with abandon. It’s not until we were trained to distrust the world and “not talk to strangers” that we began to lose our innocence and belief in the inherent goodness of humanity.

    Or, we didn’t receive strong nurturing as kids, and this caused a wound that never seemed to heal properly. While it can be good to have a healthy dose of skepticism so as not to become victims—and we need to teach our kids to stay away from strangers to keep them safe—it is not healthy to remain closed off and shut down from the world.

    We must learn to trust despite knowing we may get hurt. It is only by opening our hearts that we can have flourishing relationships, see the opportunities around us, and begin to live a more fulfilled life.

    What happens when people let you down? You accept that they are imperfect beings and move on. What happens when you let yourself down? You do the same thing. This is where I think I got hung up. I didn’t trust myself, and this actually made it impossible to trust other people.

    We often project our feelings and beliefs onto others without consciously realizing we’re doing it. If we don’t trust ourselves to do the right things, we might project that onto other people and assume they too will let us down. If we don’t believe in our own inherent goodness, we likely won’t believe in anyone else’s.

    I had a hard time trusting myself because I never accepted myself as a flawed and imperfect being. I could never get over my own disappointment when I let myself down. What are some ways I let myself down?

    • Letting myself remain in an abusive relationship
    • Lying about my drinking addiction and hiding it from my family and friends
    • Not following through on a job opportunity I was too afraid I might get rejected
    • Not having the confidence to follow my dreams
    • Acting in ways that were counter to my moral values

    We can lose trust in ourselves in many ways, but then we can also build that trust back up.

    For me, I built my trust by realizing I wasn’t living up to my greatest self. I began to make conscious choices to change that. I got help for my drinking problem. I found the courage to take baby steps toward my ambitions, and each time I did, I built on that success. I focused on developing my personal strengths and growing as a person. Most of all, I strived to do the best I could in any given situation.

    Did I fail sometimes? Did I still let myself down? Of course, I’m imperfect. And this is okay. I found that if I was doing my best I could allow the occasional stumble without beating myself up or deciding that I couldn’t trust myself at all. And I could do the same for other people. If they occasionally disappointed me, I could recognize that this is what it means to be human.

    I realized I didn’t have to see things as black and white—that people, myself included, are either trustworthy or not. Because life is all about shades of gray. Sometimes people will let us down, but that doesn’t mean they always will.

    Even if people make mistakes, and even if we occasionally need to cut ties with people who continually hurt us, we can trust that most people have good intentions. And if we set the intention to always do our best, we can trust that we generally will, even if we falter at times.

    The way to resolve trust issues is to learn to trust yourself. When you believe that you are always doing your best, you’ll be able to extend this same belief to others. This will help you go out into the world and be open to people and experiences with curiosity and a pure heart, without bitter preconceptions.

    When we live a life full of integrity and trustworthiness to our deepest self, we can better learn to accept others’ mistakes and flaws, even if they hurt us. We can also learn to trust that despite what others may do, or how they might disappoint us, we will be able to get through it, our faith in humanity in tact.

    This will help us embrace life more fully and flourish in our widest and fullest potential—to spread our wings and fly.