Tag: Happiness

10 Simple Tips to Live Happy, Wild, and Free

“If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.” -Morris West

In the past I was not known as a happy, wild, and free person. (Okay, maybe wild. I had my moments…) In stuck phases peppered with depression, darkness, and hopelessness, I often wondered what it would be like to feel happy, wild, and free.

I fantasized about living in Europe, writing in cafes like Hemingway, having wild crazy affairs with sexy men, or even moving to Hawaii and wearing nothing but sarongs and flip flops all day. But in truth, these fantasies were empty.

I knew in my gut that fantasies of escape would not bring authentic happiness or true freedom. Maybe at the onset, but in the end trying to create happiness, wild moments, and freedom outside of myself is only temporary. I’m left with facing whatever is still present within me.

Funny enough, I am most happy and free when attending my yearly meditation retreats. Yeah, I know, sitting in a dark room for hours at a time without moving doesn’t seem like the world’s wildest party.

But when I relax, let go, juice up my heart, and get concentrated on the guarding point, my meditation practice takes me to unlimited expansion. There is nothing more that I need.

While meditating I am content, sometimes wildly ecstatic and blissed-out, but most importantly, I am free. I realize then that my inner-crazy chick’s happiness and freedom exists in the simplest things.

When I attune to the simple things that give me joy, my body and spirit ignites! I feel truly alive and wildly happy. I feel free of the heavier burdens, beliefs, and complicated constructs that kept me stuck by focusing only on the “storms” within me. (more…)

June 19, 2011
How the Differences in Your Relationship Can Be Gifts

“We need not think alike to love alike.” ~Ferenc David

Our commonalities were small, insignificant perhaps, but being in high school, we were both uninterested in comparing notes on religious beliefs or political affiliation. I appreciated his humor and he my smile, and that was the end of that—until we became bona fide adults, that is.

After a year of bliss and a few declarations of, “no, we don’t fight at all!” we began to notice the things that set us apart and the experiences that shaped us in vastly different ways.

He came from a broken family while mine was still firmly in tact; he was staunchly conservative while I leaned more to the left; I could be labeled “New Age,” while his religious upbringing was more traditional.

Firmly rooted in what I believed to be “right,” I ignored the differences in hopes that we could eventually learn to think and believe the same way.

This, as you might have guessed, never happened.

With these monumental differences laid out in front of us, we had every reason in the world to say our goodbyes and move on. But it was in our decision to stick together that we learned far more about who we were as individuals than we would have had we found carbon copies of ourselves.

We certainly didn’t think alike, but we loved alike. And in doing so we both learned some of life’s sweetest lessons. (more…)

June 16, 2011
Find Your Calling: 5 Steps to Identify Your Purpose

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.” ~Rumi

When I was young, I fell in love with Africa. It was an unsophisticated and amorphous love, not directly related to anything in particular about that vast continent. I now see that the point of my love affair with Africa was to deliver my first calling to me.

Merriam-Webster defines a “calling” as: “…a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence.”

My first calling was to connect with people who seemed very different from me. It took me to rural Africa as a Peace Corps volunteer, where I developed close friendships with my fellow villagers. It led me to people who were way outside of my socio-economic and my cultural demographic.

As with most callings, mine gave me a way to bring more love to the world. I wanted to get beyond language, class, gender, and culture; I wanted to experience human connection at its most raw and basic.

My first calling taught me that empathy heals and nourishes all those it touches, and that I could spread love by simply being available to hear another person, whoever they are.

Just because we have callings doesn’t mean they’re easy to follow. I declined the advice of others who saw my calling as naïve or even dangerous, and those who thought I should get a real job or do something closer to home.

I also stared down many of my own “shoulds” and fears in order to go ahead and join the Peace Corps.

It was hard to understand what the calling was when it first began to whisper in my ear. I found myself confused about what it meant, while at the same time growing surer that I would figure it out as I followed its lead. Sometimes the calling delivers clues that no one but you can decipher.

What I learned in Africa was that being true to myself meant trusting the process as it revealed itself, knowing that it was “right” for me at that particular time in my life. (more…)

June 14, 2011
How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Using Affirmations

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” ~Buddha

I used to teach Adult Upgrading. My students were people who had never completed grade school and/or high school. For a variety of reasons, they were now ready to try it again.

New students would say, “I wasn’t ever any good at school.” “I can’t do math.” “I hate fractions.”

It’s my belief that our self-talk is programming ourselves for our statements to be true.

Those students thought they’d been stating the facts, not revealing programmed beliefs.

My work was less about teaching math than it was about coaching them toward a change in their beliefs about themselves.

“I never again want to hear you say you’re not good at math,” I’d say. I’d ask them to switch to “I’m learning math” or “I’m getting better at math” or “I’m working on fractions.”

I’d help them start to notice their own negative self-talk and then transform it into positive statements. “Sure it sounds weird. So humor me,” I’d have to say. “Yes, I know it doesn’t feel like it’s true. Not yet, anyway.” They’d roll their eyes at me.

I’ve read that schools teach fractions before many of our brains are developmentally ready to cope at that conceptual level. I believe this, because I’ve met so many people whose problems in school began around the time fractions were introduced.

Children’s developing self-images are vulnerable. Once children begin to feel stupid about a school subject, the negative self-talk begins. It soon defeats their egos along with their will to learn. (more…)

June 13, 2011
6 ways to Deal with “I Should Be Better” Syndrome
“When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~Lao Tzu

Pretty much everyone I know thinks they should be doing better in some way, at least sometimes.

Are you totally and completely satisfied with what you’ve done so far in life? No little part of you thinks, maybe I should have more money in the bank? Or maybe I should have a more professional wardrobe, or a book contract, or a dog that’s housebroken?

The word “should” isn’t exactly enlightened or peaceful, nor is the practice of judging yourself or believing that you’re not exactly where you’re meant to be. But we’re human, so our thoughts inevitably go there from time to time.

We judge ourselves. We hold ourselves to standards that someone else made up—standards that may not even make sense for our current life.

I often hear people say things like:
- “I can’t believe I’m in my forties and still don’t have matching luggage.”
- “Shouldn’t my child be reading by now?”
- “I always assumed I’d exercise regularly after I finished college.”
- “I can’t believe I don’t have better health insurance at this stage in my career.”
I have to wonder, whose beliefs are those? Whose standards are they, really? It’s not like we wake up at forty and suddenly crave matching luggage. Someone fed us that expectation somewhere along the way, and we forgot it wasn’t our own.

Would the mother feel genuine concern for her child’s reading skills if they lived on a deserted island? Or is the pressure external, based on what others say, think, and read, and she simply doesn’t realize those thoughts aren’t hers?

And I, too, have thoughts like these all the time. Not those exactly, but ones like them.

Like how I should be famous by now. Really. The ship has sailed for being on Oprah, but isn’t someone going to beg me to come on their show? And how I always thought that by age thirty-four I’d own a home with a yard, not a small condo in the city. Or how I still buy all my clothes on sale and I don’t have a decent wardrobe. And how I still say “like” and “awesome” way too much for an adult.

So it’s starting to look like we’re all in the same boat with this I-should-be-doing -better stuff.

Since it’s such a universal human issue, maybe we can make a collective pact to just stop with the shoulds? Can we collectively agree to be just a little kinder to ourselves? Can we set aside the judgments and be proud of ourselves, right this minute, not when we achieve something we haven’t yet achieved? (more…)
June 12, 2011
Forgive and Set Yourself Free

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes

We’ve all heard the saying “forgive and forget.” It seems easy when you say it like that. The forgetting part can be daunting, though. I can say that when you let go, the memory dims. That’s a start.

I didn’t understand the importance of forgiveness until I was in my mid-forties. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve forgiven people over the years. I just never understood how it related to my own well-being.

Let’s face it, not forgiving someone for standing you up or forgetting a birthday isn’t going to weigh on you for years and inhibit a full life. Not forgiving a parent for abuses, real or imagined, can.

As with most “aha” moments, we want to share our new found wisdom with everyone. A friend of mine understood what I had just discovered. She had been abused by her father.

It took her years to let go of the anger. The hurt never really leaves, but the anger can keep you from truly living. The only way to move on is to forgive.

She told me about her father-in-law, and how badly she wanted to share this wisdom with him. He is now in his 90’s and filled with anger. No matter how she tries, he won’t let it go. Let’s call him George. (more…)

June 9, 2011
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

From the time I was a little girl, people told me I was pretty, but I never believed them. Instead, I scrutinized myself in the mirror searching for ways to look better, not realizing that what I was really looking for was a way to be me and feel good about myself.

As I focused even more on my looks throughout my twenties, I became increasingly self-conscious and dependent on how others perceived me. If someone complimented me and gave me attention, I would feel confident, but if I went unflattered or unnoticed, I would return to the mirror in an effort to figure out why.

I had often heard the expression “what you are inside shows on your face.” However, I didn’t know what these words truly meant until one day at the age of thirty-five.

That day, I took another long look in the mirror and suddenly something clicked: My looks were not the problem—they never were.

Somehow I understood that what I didn’t like about my face had nothing to do with my physical features. It was something else, something within myself that was reflecting out and causing me to feel unattractive, ill at ease, and unconfident.

At that moment I knew there were two things I needed to do. The first was to stop staring in the mirror. The second was to look at what was going on inside.

A friend recommended meditation, so I gave that a try. I sat, breathed, quieted my thoughts, and shared my feelings in a nine-hour course, which I followed with a two-day silent meditation retreat.

It’s possible that a silent retreat may not be for everyone, but it was one of the most valuable experiences of my life. The two days forced me to meditate, reflect, and “be” with myself in an environment that did not permit social interaction, not even eye contact.

There were also no distractions, such as telephone, TV, books, or computers.

Was the experience disagreeable? Initially, yes. Was it painful? Sometimes, but it allowed me to bring forth a lot of valuable self-information and one remarkable realization: I became conscious of how unnatural I felt.

In the time I was there, I recognized that I was not uncomfortable in that setting because I didn’t know how to be with myself. I was uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to be myself.

This was also why I often felt unattractive and ill at ease with others.

I was frequently projecting someone who didn’t feel “like me,” and that projection habitually depended on who I was interacting with.

It was this realization that launched my journey to authenticity and the discovery of a beautiful me.

Slowly, I started to learn about myself and the things that make me happy, and I found that I had a rhythm. I could hardly believe it, but I actually had my own beautiful flow, and as soon as I began to follow it my authenticity started to build on itself.

I gradually began to feel less self-conscious around others and much more comfortable with myself.

For the first time in my life I started to feel well and beautiful—and it showed. I saw it in the mirror. My husband noticed it in my body language. He said I carried myself differently, like I had more confidence and ease.

Of course, many practices assisted me in my journey, but the ones that helped the most are the ones that keep me grounded in myself today. (more…)

June 8, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: On Being Seen

“Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money, power, and influence.” ~Henry Chester

Influence has become a huge buzz word, particularly now that social media has taken the world by storm. There are sites to measure it. Blog posts that dissect it. Books that analyze the psychology of it. Collectively, we’re obsessed with the ability to persuade other people.

It’s not just about driving consumer behavior, although clearly that’s a big part of it–everyone needs to earn a living. It’s also not all about the ego–having the most followers, the most retweets, or the most influential friends. I suspect it’s also about the desire to be seen.

With so many people sharing their thoughts, feelings, and gifts, it’s easy to feel like you’re not being heard. Like you’re not making a difference. But sometimes in our desires to be seen by others, we stop looking into ourselves.

There’s no denying that a spotlight can magnify the impact that someone can make. But if you think back to the last time someone affected you in a profound way, odds are it had nothing to do with authority or influence.

What really makes a difference is heartfelt, inspired action, backed by authentic, positive intention.

It’s not power of persuasion that moves us; it’s the power of passion.

That’s something we can all access, and it does make a difference–even if it doesn’t reach masses of people. More importantly, passion makes a difference for us. No amount of approval or validation can provide the same joy that comes from looking into and following your heart.

Today, if you feel like you’re not being seen, ask yourself: What am I passionate about, and how can I use that passion today to be the person I want to be?

Photo by florianpusch

June 5, 2011
Lifestyle Design: How to Create Your Life As You Want It
“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” ~George Eliot

If you read a lot of blogs or are even remotely tech savvy, it’s highly likely you’ve heard the term “lifestyle design.” Perhaps you’re wondering just what the heck it means, and how you can do it, too, just because it sounds so enticing!

In a nutshell, lifestyle design embodies the attempt on your part to design a life of your choosing, whatever that looks like. It’s your life, your plan, and you call the shots.

Just because your parents lived in a small town, got married at 17, and worked a 9–5 for 30 years, that doesn’t mean you have to do the same.

You have choices and, with the growth of the web, your choices have compounded exponentially. You control your life and what happens in it, and, once you realize that fully, you give yourself room to grow, experiment, and begin designing the life of your dreams.

You could almost call it a sort of “movement” as so many folks are jumping on the bandwagon, going location-independent with their businesses, and truly making waves as they fuel their passions.

And if the term lifestyle design throws you off, you might even call it “finding your purpose.”
- Why are you here?
- What do you want to achieve in this world?
- What excites you?
- What do you love to do most?
- Where would you most like to do it?
- Who would you most like to do it with?
- What sort of impact on others do you hope to make doing what you do?
These are all questions a lifestyle designer might ask themselves before embarking on their journey of exploration and adventure.

As humans, we all look for meaning in life, searching constantly for an answer to the “why am I here?” question. We want to know what the point of it all is, and how we can make our time here on this earth amazingly relevant. (more…)
June 5, 2011
How to Enjoy Food More: 7 Tips to Savor Meals

“We are indeed much more than what we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are.” –Adelle Davis

As I mentioned before in my blog post about needing less money, I recently decided to offer barter advertising through Tiny Buddha—meaning I plan to promote products and services I support in exchange for things I need.

This week I started my first barter arrangement with L.O.V.E. Delivery, a company here in Los Angeles that delivers organic produce right to your door.

Before my first shipment arrived two days ago, I actually found myself anticipating its arrival with giddy enthusiasm, like a kid on Christmas.

It was kind of exciting to know I’d be getting a more diverse assortment of produce than I’d purchase in the store; and it would all be naturally produced, fresh, and personally packaged by someone who loves the work he does.

I also appreciated that receiving this food created a sense of mealtime mindfulness that started with the delivery, extended to the preparation, and then culminated with a sense of hyper-awareness while eating. It’s instinctive to savor food when you feel a sense of respect and even awe for it.

I haven’t always felt that way. As a teen and in my early 20s, food was my enemy. I felt happiest when I felt in control of it—meaning I ate a minimal amount of it.

Even after I adopted a healthier attitude toward food, it remained a rival of sorts. All too often, I hurried through the grocery store, piled the cheapest and easiest-to-prepare items in my cart, and then rushed through the acts of cooking and eating, like items to be checked off my to-do list.

Anyone who has traveled internationally knows that many other cultures enjoy the experience of preparing and eating meals far more than most of us do in the United States. (more…)

June 2, 2011
Tiny Wisdom: On Dropping Excuses

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” -Charles R. Swindoll

Joshua Denney, who designed this site and does a ton behind the scenes, found this video and posted it on Facebook yesterday with the heading, “No excuses.”

What could you accomplish if you stopped making excuses and started focusing on making a difference?

May 29, 2011
3 Mistakes That Hold You Back in Life & How to Avoid Them

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” ~Marianne Williamson

I believe we are here to grow, to expand—to learn and experience and understand. Growth and discovery are the purpose of life.

I also believe we tend to get in our own way.

Our experiences, our cultures, and even our families can create fears and limitations that can hold us back, or hold us down. They don’t do this intentionally. It’s just that we’re all doing the best we can in this beautiful, messy, complicated world.

There are so many circumstances or experiences that can get in the way of our growth and stifle our creativity and our lives.

I’ve discovered that there are three mistakes we often make in our endeavors to grow, create, or experience something new:

Mistake #1: Not Taking Your Instincts Seriously

Have you ever said “I’m fine” when inside you were hurt or afraid? Or said “It’s not a big deal” when, in fact, it was consuming your every waking thought (and likely your dreams)?

Or maybe you even rolled your eyes at yourself; told yourself that you were overreacting, or that a comment, dream, or feeling didn’t matter.

Yeah, don’t do that.

It—whatever “it” is for you—does matter. It matters that you have a dream to start a business. It matters that you want more than what everyone else is settling for. It matters that you are upset or unsettled or craving expansion in your life.

It matters because those things are signs that you are not on the right track, signs that something is out there calling your name, signs that you’re ready to discover and devour it.

And those signs should always be taken seriously. Listen to where your inner voice. It’s there for a reason. (more…)

May 22, 2011
7 Obstacles to Mindfulness and How to Overcome Them

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

Mindfulness has allowed me to become more aware of my thoughts and reach a sense of inner peace.

As my awareness has increased, so has the peace and joy in my life. The more familiar I have become with the inner workings of my mind, the better I have started to feel.

I came onto the path of mindfulness, meditation, and spirituality when I was sixteen years old. I saw the TV-series Ed, where the main character started experimenting with lucid dreaming.

That got me interested, and that is where my journey started. It hasn’t been an easy journey by any means, but I’m nearing a decade on this path, and I don’t regret it for a moment.

I’ve been through a lot of challenges, such as going through brief spurts of depression. I’ve felt like I wasn’t good enough, and that life wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it to.

In every one of these cases I let my thoughts run wild. I started focusing on the negative instead of on the positive, and I think many people have the same tendency.

So there have been both ups and downs, but in the end they have all been there for a reason. And with each “bad period,” I’ve learned more and more about myself.

I’ve learned more about what works and what doesn’t, and they have all been blessings in disguise.

I have wanted to give up many times, but I’m glad that I kept going.

Truly living in the present moment isn’t easy, but it is highly rewarding. The best way to move forward on your own path to “here and now” is to understand the potential obstacles and plan in advance how you’ll deal with them. (more…)

May 16, 2011
7 Healthy Ways to Deal with Incessant Worrying

“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

When you think about the future, are you filled with hope or worry? If you are like most people, it’s probably anxiety. You have largely been experiencing worry. Your mind feels unsettled.

Worry arises because you realize that you cannot predict what is going to happen tomorrow and know that you cannot have full control over how events turn out. You are uncomfortable with not having absolute certainty.

Incessant worrying happens when you find it hard to let go. You fret over the same details repeatedly. A fertile imagination causes you to play out mental scenarios of doom, failure, and fatal consequences over and over again.

I Was a Worry Wart

Well, I used to worry incessantly over the smallest of things. Before learning meditation, I did not know how to relax. Worry was my psychological mantra.

When my children were born, my anxiety levels went into over-drive. Were they eating enough? Were they having a happy time with their friends? Were they faring well in school?

I soon realized that I was not the only one. In talking with one of my girlfriends, I realized she was excessively worrying over her children, too. I noticed how tense she was. She was not fun to be with.

Eventually I knew that I needed to reclaim my sanity. Not doing so would mean continued misery. I realized that it was only when I could lose my back load of worries could I be light and free. (more…)

May 15, 2011
20 Things to Do When You’re Feeling Angry with Someone

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” ~Chinese proverb

As Tiny Buddha grows larger, I find there are a lot more people emailing me with requests. The people-pleaser in me wants to say yes to everyone, but the reality is that there is only so much time in the day—and we all have a right to allocate our time as best supports our intentions, needs, and goals.

Recently someone contacted me with a request that I was unable to honor. After I communicated that, he made a sweeping judgment about my intentions and character, ending his email with “Buddha would be appalled.”

As ironic as this may sound given the context of this site, I felt angry.

I felt angry because I have always struggled with saying no, and this was exactly the type of uncomfortable encounter I generally aim to avoid.

I felt angry because I felt misunderstood and judged, and I wanted him to realize that he was wrong about me.

I felt angry because I assumed he intended to be hurtful, and I didn’t feel like I deserved that.

I ended up responding to his email fairly quickly with a little bit of defensiveness, albeit with restraint. After I pressed send, I felt a little angry with myself for letting this bother me. Then I realized that this was a wonderful exercise in learning to deal with anger.

It’s inevitable that I’ll feel that way again—and many times, with people I know well and love. We all will. We’ll all have lots of misunderstandings and annoyances, and lots of opportunities to practice responding to anger calmly and productively.

If we’re mindful, we can use these situations to better ourselves and our relationships. (more…)

May 12, 2011
How to Let Go of Fear to Live Passionately and Authentically

“If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

I’ve done a lot of stripping lately. It’s been liberating. I’ve been peeling away layers of the ego—all the accumulated stuff—to find who I am at the core.

It wasn’t too long ago when I noticed how quickly my life would go from an extreme high to an extreme low—how one moment could seem so perfect and wonderful, and then suddenly something would happen and it would turn into a less appealing scene.

The story went something like this: “Life is good. No it’s not. Life is good. No it’s not…” This narrative repetitiously replayed like a bad remix.

I was never fulfilled because I was always dependent on something outside of me—the praise I received that day, what the scale said, how great my workout was, or the next scheduled vacation.

I remember the first time I published a piece of my writing and I asked my husband: “Is it perfect?” Then I agonized over what kind of feedback it would get.

He smiled and quickly said, “Perfect is too many people to please, babe.”

His words resonated with me and peeled away one layer of my ego. Slowly, more layers began to peel as I became aware that I’d given my worth to other people. I’d become reliant on external feedback because I did not value what I was worth. (more…)

May 9, 2011
How to Get Past a Setback Today to Create a Better Tomorrow

“What does not kill me, makes me stronger” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

If you knew me, you’d think that I float through life without a care, that nothing fazes me, and that I don’t get stressed. For the most part this is true, but every now and then something happens that really gets to me.

We have been trying to sell our house so that we can emigrate to Australia. The house has been on the market for about two years, and we’ve had three sales fall through already. So a few weeks ago, when we had agreed on a sale price with a buyer, I felt mixed emotions.

I was excited and optimistic but I also felt stressed, hoping that this time the sale would go through but fearing that it wouldn’t.

I tried not to build my hopes up, but I also spent the week looking on the internet for jobs in Australia and checking out house rentals.

The buyers were so enthusiastic. They had worked out where their furniture would go and who would have which bedroom. The father had grown up in the village and wanted to move to be close to his mother. It was all looking good.

A week or so later, my wife texted me letting me know we received “bad news about the house.” Another sale had fallen through.

I felt low and fed up. I had absolutely no motivation. But after a few days, I decided to pull myself together and get over it.

Lately I’ve been learning to become aware of my emotions and how they can affect my actions. Knowing how I am feeling helps me to be measured in my decision making. I’ve been developing this self-awareness by reflecting on past experiences and examining my emotions and choices.

As I sit here now, looking at the “For sale” sign outside my house, I can honestly say that I am glad that another sale fell through.

It was unpleasant and it inspired all kinds of negative emotions. But it also enabled me to examine my own behavior, to become more aware of how I act when I’m stressed or feeling low, to practice being strong in tough situations, and to grow as a person. (more…)

May 8, 2011
How to Help Someone Who Won’t Help Themselves

“We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron

Recently I got into a hypothetical conversation with someone who very quickly turned hostile and accusatory. Let’s call her Jane. My first instinct was to get defensive, but then I realized this subject was quite raw for Jane, and there was likely something going on below the surface.

Usually when people are combative seemingly without cause, there’s some underlying pain fueling it.

As we got to the root of things, I learned that Jane was holding onto anger toward someone she once loved, and she felt a strong, driving need to convince people that this other person was wrong.

Since she acknowledged that she’d been feeling depressed, lonely, and helpless, I felt obligated to at least try to help her see things from a different perspective. But that ultimately proved futile.

She was committed to being angry and hurt, and all she wanted from me was validation that she was justified.

I kept thinking back to how I felt at eighteen years old, reliving scenes of adolescent abuse that I refused to let go of well into my twenties. I spent years stewing in anger because I felt like a victim, and any threat to that comforting sense of righteousness only made me angrier.

Remembering how badly and unnecessarily I hurt myself, it felt imperative that I help her let go. I wanted to help her get out of her own way. I wanted her to do what I had failed to do for far too long.

Seeing that stubborn, bitter commitment to pain reminded me of how angry I was with myself when I realized I’d hurt myself far worse than anyone else—and how ashamed I felt when I realized I enjoyed being a victim, receiving pity, attention, and (what felt like) love.

Suddenly I recognized that I wasn’t just trying to help Jane; I was also judging my former self. (more…)

May 5, 2011
Feel Happy and Stress-Free: 7 Simple Tips to Stay in the Now

“No yesterdays are ever wasted for those who give themselves to today.” ~Brendan Francis

Anyone can be mindful for a moment or two, but developing your mindfulness muscle means that you have to take things to a higher level.

In today’s world it’s all too easy to get distracted from what’s truly important. Wherever you go and whatever you do, you see messages designed to get you to perform a specific action and distract you from the fact that you are already whole.

There are no reminders to be mindful unless we create them.

The responsibility is in your hands. Staying in the present moment can dramatically reduce stress, increase your happiness, and give you bursts of insight that might change your life.

Ever since I’ve started becoming aware of my thoughts and staying in the now, my life has improved significantly, and I know yours will, too.

Here are a few down-to-earth tips on how to become more mindful:

1. Notice your tendencies.

You and I, we both have our unique tendencies that distract us from the present moment. I’m a worrier, so I tend to think about the future and try to solve problems before they even happen.

What are your tendencies? What kind of thoughts tend to rob you of the now?

These questions will help you become more mindful about what is going on in your head, which in turn leads to mindfulness. (more…)

May 4, 2011
What It Means to Really Take Care of Yourself

“Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.” ~Max Ehrmann

Last year I realized that I lived twenty-eight years without knowing what it really means to love and take care of myself.

In 2010, I took some wonderful, worldly trips—Costa Rica, Bangkok, Taipei—trekking and exploring.

My husband and I bought a second home. I fully engaged myself in the improvements and the creativity of decorating a fresh canvas.

I ran several races, including a half-marathon, and finished well. I joined a swanky health and fitness club where I could take trendy aerobic classes. I was “taking good care of myself.”

Life was good. I worked hard, I played hard. The end. That was the story I projected.

But it was hardly that simple or fabulous.

There was a whole lot of turbulence in my life that I was trying to fix externally. (more…)

May 3, 2011