Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Overcoming Shame at Work When You’ve Made Big Mistakes

    Overcoming Shame at Work When You’ve Made Big Mistakes

    “When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” ~ African proverb

    Hitchen’s Kitchen. It sounds like a diner straight out of a romance novel. But there I was standing in yes, the kitchen, getting my first dressing down at my first paying job.

    At sixteen I had screwed up waiting tables. I got the special of the day, swiss steak, mixed up with sirloin. And so I kept putting in tickets ordering sirloins and the cook kept on grilling them.

    And then it struck. The customers were happily eating sirloin while paying the “special of the day” prices. The owner’s profits were tanking.

    By the end of the revelation, the only thing that was sizzling louder than the sirloins was Mr. Hitchen, the owner of the diner.

    And he was scolding me—loudly. Harshly.

    I stood there absorbing his tirade. I was shocked and silent while that warm wash came over my torso. My stomach felt sick. Then came the hollowness in my chest, up to my neck where the lump in my throat sat.

    How could I shrink away? How could I get away from this feeling? I’m drowning, I’m drowning. Save me, someone. I want to disappear.

    Shame.

    The Kingpin of Destructive Emotions

    Anger. Resentment. Hurt. Fear. Sadness. None of them feels good in our body. None of them are we racing to replicate.

    However, shame is worse. It is debilitating. Immobilizing. It makes us viscerally sick. It feels like we are wearing a cloak of badness. And it shakes our soul’s foundation.

    Shame doesn’t deliver just once either. The assault is made and the shame rushes in. For me, I replay searing scenes of shame in my mind and all the sensations come acutely pouring back into my body.

    As if the first showing wasn’t enough. No, we get the sequel of shame, too.  (more…)

  • Love Yourself, Accept Yourself, Forgive Yourself

    Love Yourself, Accept Yourself, Forgive Yourself

    “Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~Leo F. Buscaglia 

    You mean I am a source of many wonderful things?

    Yes. Actually you are. Own up to it.

    Leo has it right.

    Love yourself.

    Despite all the things that you think may be terribly wrong with you, love yourself. Love yourself.

    Tattoo it on your brain.

    I can think of so many reasons why you should love yourself, but here’s just one: It is incredibly dull and uninspiring to be around people who do not love themselves.

    I spent many years being anorexic and feeling like I was a monster. I’m sure I was not much fun to be around, and I also know that I didn’t book any of the acting jobs I was trying to land. It is very challenging to hire someone or love someone who fights you by holding up a mirror of hatred toward themselves.

    Here’s my challenge for you today: Take a picture of your face and remember that in ten years time you will be amazed at how gorgeous you were. Be amazed now.

    Identify something about you that you may not adore and find a way to at least laugh at it or like it, even a little bit.

    I have profound hearing loss; in fact, I am almost deaf and wear hearing aids. I have ringing in my ears twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Does it drive me mad most days? Yes. However, it’s here to stay, and I have learned that I can make light of it, or I can sit home and feel sorry for myself because I am missing out on what feels like everything.

    Either way, the choice is mine to make.

    I have also learned that because of my hearing loss, my other senses are highly attuned. I am more compassionate because of it. I am a healer.

    I have turned something I don’t necessarily “love” having into another piece in the puzzle of me, and part of why I love that puzzle.

    Instead of thinking “I am an incomplete human being because I can’t hear perfectly,” I think “I am an incredible human being with a profound sense of touch and understanding and a huge capacity for love. I am also awesome at reading lips. So there.” (more…)

  • I Hate Hugging: Getting Over the Fear of Intimacy

    I Hate Hugging: Getting Over the Fear of Intimacy

    “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

    I was a shy kid. My mom said that when I was in pre-school, the teacher asked all of the kids to hold hands and I said, “No thanks, I’ll just hold my own.”

    That may have been the beginning of my aversion towards human contact. As a kid, I remember grandparents, aunts, and uncles giving me big horrible hugs. If I didn’t blatantly push them away or wiggle free, I stood there stiff as board, until the torture was over.

    They thought this was adorable and would laugh and laugh. No one thought to seek professional help. They probably thought I’d out grow this, but I did not.

    It became more apparent by middle school. I don’t know what went on at your junior high, but at mine, girls were constantly touching!

    They were hugging multiple times per day, playing with each other’s hair, giving one another backrubs, and playing that weird arm tickling game where you plant a garden and watch it grow. If you’re curious what this actually is, don’t Google “girl’s tickling each other.” That’s not it!

    I remember the nervous rides to Chaparral Middle School. My mind would race. Who was going to try to hug me today? What would I do? What would I say? I decided: I’d just go along with it, but I wouldn’t hug back, I’d keep it quick, I’d never initiate, and I definitely wouldn’t like it.

    I didn’t fool my friends for long though. They started to notice my lack of interest. They made comments like, “You have to hug back girl!” or “Come on, give me a real hug!”

    I wanted to vomit. I tried harder for a while. I tried acting like a warmer, more loving person, but it just felt fake.

    I let my discomfort build until one day I finally exploded, which is the case with most of the issues I’ve eventually had to face.

    My friend Laura picked the wrong girl to hug that day. I pushed her away and yelled, “STOP HUGGING ME! What is the matter with you?” Then addressing all of my girlfriends I pleaded, “Why do you always want to hug? Can’t we just keep to ourselves?”

    At this point, I should probably put fears to rest and mention that I was never inappropriately touched. By anyone. No uncle. No neighbor.

    I actually wasn’t touched much at all, which may be part of the problem. I come from a close-knit family; growing up they never missed a single soccer game and today they never miss a single funny email forward. We’ve just never been close in the physical sense. (more…)

  • When You Keep Learning Instead of Taking Action

    When You Keep Learning Instead of Taking Action

    “Begin, be bold, and venture to be wise.” ~Horace 

    It was day five without food, meditating in a cave in the Sahara desert.

    In 2009, I skipped out on two weeks of my senior year of college to go to the desert.

    Ever since I was a young I had been into exploring the boundaries of the self. I had always wanted a period of time when I could totally be alone for days—not a word spoken to me, where I could go deeper into my mind than ever before until I simply evaporated.

    So there I was.

    Just the desert sands, the sky, and me.

    And I was bored.

    The mind-bending impenetrable boredom was the first thing that hit me. Hard.

    And I’m not one of those people who is constantly multitasking. You can put me in a room for 3 hours and tell me to do something quietly and I’ll come out fine, sanity-intact.

    However, there was something so stubborn about this boredom. I was wondering if perhaps I should’ve just gone back to my daily meditation routine instead of flying all the way into the Sahara desert.

    The days eventually passed, the sun rose and set like it should, and every once in a while I had little visitors stop by.

    A dragonfly.

    I thought that was a little weird, since I knew dragonflies don’t go far from water.

    Two dragonflies. Hmm.

    Five dragonflies.

    A cloud of dragonflies flying in formation. That was pretty bizarre, I thought.

    As the days wore on, I started experiencing the subtle effects of hunger. Pain and nausea wore off after day 1—and afterwards I just experienced weakness from the lack of food. (more…)

  • Interview and Giveaway: The Game of You by Lynn Zavaro

    Interview and Giveaway: The Game of You by Lynn Zavaro

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha for free daily or weekly updates and to learn about future giveaways!

    The winners:

    Lynn Zavaro has very quickly become one of my greatest role models.

    When she first submitted a post to Tiny Buddha (50 Creative Questions to Help You Create the Life You Want) I felt like she was living inside my head.

    Lynn realizes that the most important factor for our happiness is coming to know ourselves—and she also understands the internal blocks that hold us back from living the lives we dream about. Why? Because she’s human and imperfect, just like everyone else, and she’s lived a bold life of self-discovery, authenticity, and adventure.

    An artist, writer, and teacher, Lynn holds a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology. This combination of experience gives her a unique insight into human nature—and she leveraged it to create a fun, creative book and card deck set called The Game of You.

    I received my set a few weeks back, and I’ve become addicted. The Game of You provides a simple, enjoyable way to understand and stretch yourself, little by little, every day.

    I’m excited that Lynn took some time to share a little about herself and her work, and also that she’s generously offered to give away 5 sets of The Game of You.

    The Giveaway

    To win 1 of 5 free sets of The Game of You:

    • Leave a comment on this post.
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Giveaway and Interview: The Game of You by Lynn Zavaro http://bit.ly/tEit98

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, November 4th. If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step.

    The Interview

    1. Many Tiny Buddha readers may know you as an insightful, giving writer and artist, as you’ve contributed a wide range of inspiring, thought-provoking posts to the site! Can you tell us a little more about yourself?

    First off I have to say what an honor it is to contribute to Tiny Buddha. I have personally received so much from it–so a big thank you to you Lori and to the Tiny Buddha community! (more…)

  • 10 Ways Overcome Conflicts in Relationships and Grow Together

    10 Ways Overcome Conflicts in Relationships and Grow Together

    “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

    About six months into a serious relationship with my boyfriend, we started experiencing major conflict. Fighting over small things, flipping out over misunderstandings, we just couldn’t seem to get on the same page about anything. This caused me to think about relationship conflict in general, what causes it, and how to deal with it.

    It’s clear that relationship conflict occurs because expectations aren’t being met. Each person comes into a relationship with certain expectations. These are based on past experiences, childhood, or how you think things should be.

    The problem is that no two people think the same, no matter how much you have in common.

    A lot of couples see conflict as a time to bail—either because they were already looking for a way out or because they freak out and feel threatened. When our ego feels threatened, it activates our flight-or-fight response. Sometimes it may be hard to get resolution on a conflict, making matters worse.

    Instead of seeing conflict as a threat to a relationship, what if we reframed this and saw conflict as an opportunity and a sign of growth in a relationship?

    This requires understanding that conflict will inevitably occur in a close relationship. The only way of getting around it is to not share your opinion at all, which is not healthy.

    So what if we focused on sharing our opinions in a way that is productive?

    To do this:  (more…)

  • Getting Back Up After You Fall

    Getting Back Up After You Fall

    “If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through.” ~Chinese Proverb

    Last year I had emergency open heart surgery. Shortly after the procedure, two nurses entered my room and gave me terrible news: I had to walk.

    That may not sound like a big deal, but open heart surgery is brutal. Simple things like being able to sit up or change position once my backside became sore were agony. Getting to the walker, a mere several steps away from my bed, was an extreme effort.

    My goal was to walk around the nurse’s station, and I might as well have been told to walk to the moon.

    Despite a punctured lung (a surgical accident), I concentrated on regular deep breaths and slow deliberate steps. I was so focused on these two things that the pain, while still significant, slipped away.

    By the time I made it back to my bed, I wanted to cry and laugh—I had made it!

    The next day was very different, as I’d been having a difficult time. I couldn’t seem to muster the strength to get out of bed; finally, out of desperation, I cried and gasped out that I couldn’t do it. One of the nurses very firmly but compassionately told me I could.

    With her help, I somehow managed to stand on both feet and stagger to the walker. As I made my tour of the station, the deep breathing and deliberate walking allowed me to calm down enough to cope with the pain and the severe depression I’d been battling.

    It had hurt so much to move that morning, but once I stood up and took that first step, things started to get better.

    From that moment on, I knew that I had the strength to conquer this physical challenge. I walked every day, right up until I was released. By far it was the greatest and most painful thing I had ever accomplished.

    The stumbles and falls we suffer in life can be very much like physical ones. Have you ever actually fallen? Aside from the embarrassment, what thoughts ran through your mind?

    Did you: (more…)

  • Knowing When to Walk Away from Unrequited Love

    Knowing When to Walk Away from Unrequited Love

    “Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

    To say that love hasn’t obeyed my expectations would be the understatement of the century.

    I have not been lucky in love. I’ve been blessed with some amazing moments over the years, but somehow have managed to choose partners who did not want what I wanted, did not feel what I felt, and did not want to walk beside me into a future together.

    I have really had to sit with this and try and figure out what part of this was my doing, and how to change it, because this year I once again chose a partner who was not walking with me. Except this time not only was he not walking with me but he was subtly trying to kick my feet from under me every chance he got.

    I once again entered into a relationship desperate to find love and instead found a beautiful disaster. Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.

    Falling in love can be a slippery slope, regardless of any protective barriers we may have built. It can ease in like a light a mist that settles itself beautifully over your life, or it can blindside you.

    Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them. By this point it’s too late—you’ve already stretched your heart for someone capable of bruising it. This is what love requires: utmost vulnerability and trust. Hopes and expectations rise along with the awareness that it can slip away.

    I suggest we do our best to live in the moment. Love is elastic. It stretches and retracts and changes shape constantly. It is very uncertain. One day you are over the moon and the next disillusioned.

    The elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but there is now a knot. Suddenly that perfect perception of the other person is a little bit tainted. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes we can recover from this, sometimes we can’t. 

    Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Buddhism teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all. (more…)

  • Listen to the Moment: Knowing What to Do Now

    Listen to the Moment: Knowing What to Do Now

    “If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.”  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Today, out of the blue, I got two connection-request messages on LinkedIn from two children’s authors. I don’t know either one, personally. I’m not involved with children’s literature. Why was I receiving these requests? I could have thought, “That’s strange” and just let it go. Instead, I explored how this unusual coincidence might relate to what was going on in my life at that moment.

    For a few days, I’ve been having the urge to write something new and have done nothing about. When I got those connection requests, they reminded me about my urge to write.

    Hmmm. Authors. Writing. More than a reminder, I took this as a call to action. Instead of ignoring the invitations, I decided that these synchronous events were a “message from the universe” encouraging me to obey that writing urge. So here I am, writing this article.

    I believe that the universe always provides us with clues, helpers, prompts, kicks in the butts, hints at solutions to problems—whatever we need to accomplish what we need to accomplish, or to learn something, or to move forward in some way, and so on. All we need to do is be open to hearing/seeing/receiving those messages.

    Every day, subtle (and not so subtle) things happen, things that we ignore, pass by, or perhaps don’t even notice.

    We need to learn to listen to the moment—to increase our awareness of, and be receptive to, those little prompts, clues, signals, and messages that come up for every one of us.

    Synchronicity:

    “An apparently meaningful coincidence in time of two or more similar or identical events that are causally unrelated” (Dictionary.com) and “the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events…that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality” (Mirriam-Webster.com).

    I don’t think it’s coincidence at all, nor are they causally unrelated. However, if we receive them as personal messages, these events, messages, signals can definitely be meaningful. (more…)

  • Stop Pushing: The Art of Relaxed Achievement

    Stop Pushing: The Art of Relaxed Achievement

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    A few weeks ago, I took a sip of my morning tea hoping that the day would be better than the prior ones. I had somehow tripped over the cracks of life and couldn’t seem to pull myself back. I had woken up feeling eager to start a new day, but like every other day of my life, within the first few hours, things had gotten off track.

    I was stuck in a downward vortex of fear, anxiety and self-ridicule. I read my Yogi tea bag message, “It’s not life that matters; it’s the courage that we bring to it.”

    I held back my tears because my courage was feeling impossibly deflated. I was sick of trying so hard.

    How much courage do we really need to live our lives?

    I realized then that my entire life I’d felt like a fraud. I was renting someone else’s life, trying to pretend that it was me. My only consistency was my inconsistency with not being true and honoring myself. It is exhausting to be someone you’re not supposed to be.

    Society conditioned me to believe if you want something you have to work hard to get it. And I worked really hard accepting the fact that life was supposed to be an uphill struggle. All my relationships were superficial. I forced a smile to hide the fact that I felt all alone.

    Everyone I knew wanted to talk about the latest fashion buzz, who won American Idol, or what Snookie’s latest drama was. I pretended to be interested, but I was more curious about the pull on my heart. It kept prickling and nagging as to say, “There is more than this, honey.”

    For over a decade I lived this delusional nightmare of codependency and a search for security with success.

    I chose all my romantic relationships carefully to escape the painful reality of my anxiety. I’d pick partners who were addicted to numbing their pain, too. We’d escape life by doing drugs together and drinking over the fear.

    I finally got up enough courage to recognize that the relationship was unhealthy and I would end it only to find myself back in the arms of another addiction—overeating, over exercising, overworking; more men, more drugs. I stayed in a constant state of denial, consumed by my fear-based mind.

    I was always waiting for the next thing to happen— the next promotion, the next boyfriend, the next anything to drag me out of the depression. It never occurred to me that “pushing” was the problem. My inner drive was really just a cry for help—a call for love.

    I believed the root of my depression was my job in marketing. So after many attempts I finally left that position to pursue a new dream. Again the pushing overtook my world. I declared I would be a travel writer and pushed my way into that industry.  (more…)

  • The Real Measure of Your Wealth

    The Real Measure of Your Wealth

    “The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.” ~Unknown

    A wonderful story from the yogic tradition highlighting the true meaning of wealth goes something like this:

    There was once a beggar who spent his days sitting under an old banyan tree on the side of a dusty road that led to a bustling town. The man had been begging in that spot for years, rattling an old tin can hoping that passers-by would feel compassion and offer alms.

    Yet, at the end of each day he would only have collected one or two rupees, barely enough to buy a dry chapati and a cup of sweet chai.

    One day a wise man approached. Witnessing the beggar’s plight he called out, “My man, why are you wasting your days begging in this way? If you dig right where you are, you will discover great treasure!”

    Desperate about his impoverished situation and intrigued by this idea, the beggar decided to take the wise man’s advice. Using his bare hands he began digging the earth under where he had been sitting.

    To his utter amazement the beggar discovered a huge bag of rare, gold coins.

    Dancing with joy he declared, “Had I realized I was sitting on top of great wealth I could have eased my suffering years ago!” 

    I was once like the beggar, always seeking ways to fill the empty bowl of my perceived lack, believing that if I worked and saved hard enough I would ensure financial security. However, on October 6th 2008, the bubble of that illusion burst when my husband and I discovered our bank had dramatically collapsed.

    Suddenly finding myself looking into the grim face of my worst possible fear, I knew I had to change my understanding of what the energy of money represented and discover the source of true wealth.

    As a young adult, I had inherited a strong work ethic from my father along with a subconscious belief that money was “hard to come by.” As a consequence, I had become terrified of lack and even more terrified of loss. (more…)

  • How to Meditate at Any Time without Meditating

    How to Meditate at Any Time without Meditating

    “If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Flour. Salt. Water. Yeast. As I push the warm, soft dough against my palm, I feel the cold stone countertop underneath. I feel my hips leaning up against the cabinets. I hear my breath inside my head.

    As I knead the dough, it changes. The dough becomes more elastic and flexible, ready to rise and be baked into a crusty loaf.

    As I make bread, I change. My thoughts go quiet. I come into the now.

    I have struggled with an inconsistent meditation practice for months. In those moments when I successfully meditate and clear my mind, I feel such a sense of accomplishment and peace.

    But as any beginning meditator knows, those moments are few and far between.

    Usually, my scattered mind is split between keeping track of the time, trying to quiet the voice in my head, and chastizing my body for fidgeting. 

    I struggled and pushed myself to meditate properly with little success, until I realized that any act can be a meditation.

    I discovered this fundamental insight through books by Eckhart Tolle and Thich Nhat Hanh. It is not so important to sit with a perfectly erect spine for twenty minutes per day in meditative bliss. What is important is to be here, in the now. Living your life. Noticing what is. Noticing life.

    So often throughout our days we are lost in our thoughts. We may be on the train or in the shower, but in our heads we are already giving that important presentation, having the difficult conversation, worrying about and planning for what might happen next. (more…)

  • Choose Love, Choose Life

    Choose Love, Choose Life

    “I believe that every single event in life that happens is an opportunity to choose love over fear.” ~Oprah Winfrey 

    Facing fear came in the form of the death of my father in 1997. He was diagnosed HIV positive and at the time, the world saw this as a death sentence, and so it was.

    His goal became to find a level of peace, a level of contentment about what was happening to his body, his mind, and in his soul in preparation for leaving this life. He enlisted my help to choose when and how to die.

    I made the commitment to help him die with grace and dignity, in our home. That process took five years with many ups and downs. The final letting go happened while lying next to him in his own bed.

    He drew his last breath and simply let go, peacefully. “We” were successful in creating a space for his passing to be perfect for him, exactly as he chose it to be.

    That was the hardest thing that life had ever “asked” me to do. The aftermath of that single event had drastically changed my life. Initially, it was not for the better, as it created in me a need to protect myself against ever feeling the pain of letting go of someone I love that much.

    It has been a double-edged sword. I found myself in tremendous fear—fear of having what I want and losing it. It has been a very long journey for me. I’ve struggled to let go of the belief that if I have someone in my life who I love so completely, they will “leave.” My commitment to not feel that pain ever again has been a huge hurdle for me.

    It was this year, on my 49th birthday that I “met again” the woman I believe with my whole heart I am meant to share the rest of this journey with. I say met again because she showed up in my life as a woman I have “known” for approximately 20 years. She was completely and utterly unexpected!

    I have let go of the protective armor around my heart with the help of a very talented life coach. I find myself trusting that should she “leave,” I have it in me to let go with grace. I trust myself to love completely, again. In return, I attracted into my life a woman that has completely opened her heart to me.

    Because I took the risk of opening up, I will now get to live with her in Wimberley, Texas, where I’ve always wanted to live.

    Even more miraculous, I can now work with a mental health organization there that supports one of my greatest missions in life: to cure mental illness, not just manage the symptoms. I feel it is part of my life’s purpose to share the Ho’oponopono practice of releasing limitations—and I may not have stumbled into this specific opportunity if I didn’t learn to open my heart.

    I am giving up every last shred of “security” I have worked so very hard for, to face my fears. I will not die never having lived and experienced love because of my fears.

    ….and this is what I know: (more…)

  • How to Stop Being a Victim and Start Creating Your Life

    How to Stop Being a Victim and Start Creating Your Life

    “In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die.  And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”  ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    “They” say things happen at the “right” time. For me hearing a presentation, live, by Jack Canfield, came at the perfect time.

    I was in San Diego, the traveling babysitter for my precious 5-month old granddaughter, while my daughter attended a nutrition conference. It was an all around win-win situation—a new place to sightsee and of course spend quality (alone) time with baby Rachel and daughter Penina.

    When I found out Jack Canfield was the final key speaker, I jumped at the chance to attend. And the topic certainly resonated with me—“getting from where you are to where you want to be.” Now how’s that for someone in transition working to carve out a new path!

    There were a lot of takeaways, fabulous ideas to hold onto; so much so that I’ve been carrying around his book, The Success Principles, and studying it since I got home.

    One thing that really speaks to me is this idea of taking 100% responsibility for one’s life.

    As a society, we are so quick to assign blame and pull out all the excuses as to why something did or did not happen.

    All the “He made me, she made me….” finger pointing. There’s a reason why “the dog ate it” became such a classic excuse.

    We relinquish all power when we go there. Where are we in this? I know that by nature many of us are passive recipients of life and are at the mercy of what befalls us.

    In my workshops with parents on teaching responsibility, many are stuck or love acting in their role as helicopter parents, swooping down to save, rescue, and do all for their kids—all under the guise of, “The more I do for my child, the better parent I am.”

    And therefore what are we teaching our kids when they come in to class and tell the teacher, “My mom forgot to pack my lunch”?

    Then there’s the parent who comes ranting to school, “Don’t suspend my little Stevie for calling Andy names and hitting him in the playground; his sister does that to him at home, it’s no big deal.”

    We are facilitating the perpetuation of an entitled breed of human beings.

    In my practice as a therapist, clients would talk for years about being stuck because of what their dysfunctional nuclear families did to them.  “My mother did this, my father that…”

    And then of course there’s me. What comes all too naturally for me is my quick ability to find fault with others, to pass judgment and criticize.

    Who is to blame—why, my mother of course, queen of “judgmentalism.” I fight against these tendencies constantly.  But they do rear their ugly head often enough.  I guess it’s in my bloodstream. I’m aware of it; I work at it. I know where it comes from; therefore that explains it but it certainly does not excuse it.

    This is my problem, my issue. What matters is how I handle it and work to respond differently—to catch myself while it’s doing its internal dance before it parts from my lips.  (more…)

  • 12 Gifts You Can Enjoy Now: Improve Your Outlook on Life

    12 Gifts You Can Enjoy Now: Improve Your Outlook on Life

    “If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~ Mary Engelbreit

    About 10 years ago, I started on a journey any college dropout would embark on to quell the little voices in my head that said, “If you want to be happy, earn good money, and validate your choice of quitting college, you better get moving.”

    This epiphany fueled my mission. What was my mission of choice?

    Get rich quick schemes. The guy on the TV said it would work so it must be legitimate, right? Needless to say, I dangerously careened out of control in the years to follow with each scheme I bought into.

    At rock bottom and nearly bankrupt, I did some serious soul searching sprinkled with a little counseling. I learned I was correlating my level of life satisfaction with the size of my bank account.

    At that time, I was not happy with my meager vocation or the person I had become. The wealthy, extraordinary life I longed for was vanishing further out of reach with each passing year.

    I didn’t realize it, but I was searching for something I already had. Cloaked before me, right within my immediate reach was a beautiful life worth living. All I had to do was open my eyes and change my perspective.

    Change Your Perspective

    Maybe you feel like the fire is gone and there’s just nothing exciting in your life. Maybe you’re just plain disheartened with who you have become and the life you are living.

    No matter how discontent you might feel, know it’s only temporary. You can choose to change that feeling if you lift your veil of dismay and aim to create clarity about your life and what matters. (more…)

  • Realizing Your Self-Worth and Believing in Your Path

    Realizing Your Self-Worth and Believing in Your Path

    “Your outlook on life is a direct reflection on how much you like yourself.” ~ Lululemon

    “My existence on this earth is pointless.”

    That thought crossed my mind every night before I fell asleep.

    It had been several months since I graduated from high school and I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. My future plans were falling to pieces, and everyone around me kept telling me that I needed to start accomplishing things that I had not yet accomplished.

    I was not where I thought I should be in life. Everyone had expectations that I hadn’t met. I became too focused on becoming a version of myself that everyone else wanted, and I constantly compared myself to other people who had already taken the dive into the next chapter of their life.

    I was relentlessly questioned and judged for my slower progression in life, which convinced me that no one supported me or believed in me. I wondered why I even bothered to exist if I was getting nowhere and disappointing everyone. I began to blame everyone but myself for the state of misery I had fallen into.

    My self-esteem began to suffer as the months went by. I felt inferior to everyone and it made me hate myself. I still did not know what I wanted to do with my life—and I was starting to not even care.

    But several months and hundreds of needless self insults later, I decided to block out the negativity, both from myself and other people. I silenced the voice in my head that told me I wasn’t good enough and asked myself what would really make me happy.

    I’ve always been very creative and expressive. I used to sing, act, and dance when I was younger. But my favorite thing has always been writing.

    Some of the happiest moments in my life came from opportunities to express myself or put my heart and soul out for everyone to see. Every path I tried to take always led me back to writing.

    I got to a point where I realized that I was only trying to pursue other paths because I thought that’s what other people would accept. I was afraid that if I let my imagination soar to all the different possibilities, people would tear me down or tell me to be “realistic.”

    The bottom line is that I became paralyzed with this fear of not being accepted. I was afraid to be different or go my own way and pursue what truly made me happy. I put myself in a box.

    One day, I decided that enough was enough. I spent an entire year of my life trying to be “realistic” and conform to the expectations of other people. I realized that you can’t please everyone anyway, so trying will definitely not lead to contentment.

    Real happiness comes from being content with and proud of yourself.

    I finally decided that I was going to devote my time to learning about writing and working on my writing skills. I am happy with that decision and I feel better about myself because I made it for me. (more…)

  • Cherish Your Challenges and Find Your Authentic Self

    Cherish Your Challenges and Find Your Authentic Self

    “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

    My quarter-life crisis kicked into high gear about six months ago.

    Take this as evidence: I quit my job. I quit my apartment and moved back home. I quit booze and boys. I quit gluten and sugar. I quit friendships I’d imagined would last a lifetime.

    I’m not asking for an A+ or gold stars for my “self” work. I wasn’t hit by a spark of spiritual lightening and magically committed to this transformation. In a lot of ways, the Universe didn’t give me much of a choice.

    There were cysts, and scans, and rashes, and allergic reactions, which ignited a powerful underlying anxiety about the fact that I hadn’t been “healthy” since I could remember.

    This anxiety festered and danced into relationships with my roommates, ex-boyfriends, siblings, co-workers, and, most importantly, myself.

    It was the perfect mix of elements, a storm front hitting just the right pocket of pressure. And boom—a hurricane showed up.

    I stood in the middle, watching as the winds of change tore through my life, uplifting anything that wasn’t serving my purpose, my passion, my inner peace or my health.

    This ripping and tearing of people, places, and things that I’d brought into my life—assuming they might help me grow into a happier, stronger version of myself—was at first paralyzing, upsetting, and infuriating.

    I was tempted time and time again to numb out, to play the familiar role of the victim. After all, I had more than my fair share of material to work with, courtesy of the endless doctor’s appointments, unrelenting stomach aches, and my never-ending anxiety.

    Instead, I decided to bow my head, nod, and accept that the Universe had sent a storm to help me clean up my act and fall in love with my best self. I surrendered and allowed those gusts to take with them all the other versions of Kate I’d built for everyone else. (more…)

  • Define Success to Create Success, Starting Now

    Define Success to Create Success, Starting Now

    “What matters is the value we’ve created in our lives, the people we’ve made happy, and how much we’ve grown as people.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    Ahhh success! It sounds so good. We all want it, but are you brave enough to define what success means to you and go for it?

    Society conditions us to define success as being the best, attaining prosperity, making a lot money, or having a fancy CEO title.

    I thought I had “success” ten years ago where I spent five years working on Wall Street at Credit Suisse, an investment banking firm in New York City. I started as an associate on the Corporate Bond Sales desk and was promoted to a Vice President.

    I worked at the firm as a summer intern between my first and second years of business school and received a full-time offer. I remember being very hesitant about taking the job because I knew it wasn’t my passion, but I didn’t know what else I wanted to do.

    It was exciting when I first stepped on the trading desk—tons of energy, noise, and people sitting less than three feet away from me on both sides. In an unexpected way, the noise faded into the background and I became used to it.

    I enjoyed the job at first and how fast paced it was, but after a few years, I realized that I was not engaged on this path. I believed that there was something more for me.

    It was confusing because I had a good salary, good title, and a good life, but it wasn’t fulfilling.  Many thought I was “successful” by the traditional definition, but I did not feel like I was on my true path and making a difference.

    I stayed in finance for a while hoping my feelings about the role would change—they didn’t! Although I’m interested in the markets, I’m not passionate about them. I wanted to read personal development books in my free time, rather than Barron’s and Business Week.

    The truth was finance, although a great path for some, wasn’t my path. This took me a while to admit. It’s powerful to face the truth! The job was draining my energy, and after a few years, I wasn’t excited to start my day.

    Often the hardest thing to do is to walk away from something that is good for others but not great for you.

    When I was 40 years old, I made a tough decision to change my life and leave the finance world for real. I opted for a much more fulfilling life as a Business/Life Coach, Speaker, and Author. I had to take a step into the unknown and create another career and life that felt authentic.

    I love what I do now because I get to read and write about things that inspire me and help others make a difference in their life. I feel like I am making a positive contribution to the world and that makes me happy! (more…)

  • How to Create the Life You Want Using Anchors

    How to Create the Life You Want Using Anchors

    “Put your future in good hands—your own.” ~Unknown

    They say that in life, we are never given more than we can handle.

    But sometimes it’s a matter of not accepting more than we can handle. Putting your foot down. Proclaiming, “That’s enough!”

    Recently, a number of stressors confronted me simultaneously. This jolted me out of my comfort zone and forced me to take action toward transforming my life.

    On one fateful Tuesday, I felt so much pressure from the culmination of professional demands, relational conflicts, parenting duties, and financial stressors that I found myself at a familiar crossroads. I felt pulled in a million different directions, with no clear idea of where to go next.

    I was tired of feeling like I was at the mercy of so many external influences.

    The familiar situation always presented me with the following options: find a temporary fix for all of these issues and continue reliving a veritable “Groundhog’s Day” of an existence, or commit to a plan of change and take action.

    This time, I chose action.

    I proclaimed, “That’s enough!”

    Thus commenced “The Anchor Project.”

    “The Anchor Project” is a way of clarifying the primary values for your life, and strengthening them by taking consistent, manageable steps to focus on the life you want and minimize the impact of external factors.

    I began to list the things I wanted in life. I removed all extraneous or superficial goals from this list, and decided to stick with the core values that I considered to be essential.

    I realized that many “goals” were distracting me from obtaining the things I really wanted out of life. So things like, “Run a 5K in under 27 minutes” did not make the cut.

    I didn’t need more on my “to-do” list. I needed transformation.

    I found that there were four primary focus areas that I wanted to improve. These are the non-negotiables in my life, the things that keep me grounded and fulfilled.

    I call them “anchors” because anchors provide stability and security, even in rough seas.

    Once I identified what my anchors were, I began to build on them and fortify them by listing all activities or experiences that might constitute each one. (more…)

  • Giveaway and Interview: Cultivating Radiance by Tamara Gerlach

    Giveaway and Interview: Cultivating Radiance by Tamara Gerlach

    Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive daily or weekly emails and learn about future giveaways!

    The winners:

    Have you ever wondered how authors live their messages—if writers who explore mindfulness are generally present and peaceful, or if others who research happiness are predominately upbeat and joyful?

    This often goes through my mind when I read a book that inspires me. I didn’t have to wonder this as I read Cultivating Radiance: 5 Essential Elements for Holistic Self-Care. I’d recently met the book’s lovely author, Tamara Gerlach, who appears to glow from the inside out.

    Owner of Encore Gymnastics, Dance, and Climbing, Tamara formerly served as a National Team Coach for USA gymnastics. Since 2001, she’s worked as a life and business coach, empowering people to change their lives and have fun doing it.

    In her new book, Tamara offers a number of action-oriented suggestions for a positive attitude and a joyful life. With easily digestible chapters, each jam-packed with insight, Cultivating Radiance reminds us to nurture our inner beauty—and shows us how.

    The Giveaway

    To win one of 5 free autographed copies:

    • Leave a comment on this post.
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Giveaway and Interview: Cultivating Radiance by Tamara Gerlach http://bit.ly/pNsJUf

    You can enter until midnight PST on Tuesday, October 11th. If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. (more…)