Tag: Happiness

Don’t Let Anyone’s Criticism or Judgment Define Who You Are

“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

I was a chunky, shy little girl who was attached to my mom’s leg. She was my protector and served as a source of unconditional love.

As I left my mom’s side and went off to school, I encountered many new faces that introduced me to criticism and judgment.

Being judged by your physical attributes as an adult, in a society that constantly strives for physical perfection, is hard enough, but understanding those judgments as a little girl can be quite the challenge.

At such a young age, I had no way to process the mean words tossed my way, so I built a shell around myself and often wished I could become invisible to avoid hurting. I tried to carry on as if others’ words could not impact me.

What I quickly learned as I went through life is that we all encounter many people along the way who will attempt to tear us down and break our spirit. What I couldn’t realize then is that it’s truly up to us to decide how we allow others to make us feel and whether or not we allow them to shape us into a person we are not.

That little girl in a shell grew older, moving on through middle school, high school, college, and the career world post graduation.

I encountered each day, each year, and each new opportunity with the same feeling of insecurity that formed in that little girl so many years ago.

Even with all of the growth I’d experienced as I went through relationships, graduated college, lived on my own, and accomplished many goals, I somehow still felt like that vulnerable little girl who wished to remain unnoticed and wanted to crawl into a shell to avoid judgment.

What makes the feeling worse is that those judgments don’t end when we leave childhood. They are simply just beginning. We will always encounter critics along our journey through life.

When I began college, I joined practically every activity related to my major. In my personal life, I went on dates and tried to play the confident girl with a smile.

After I graduated from college, I had to go on job interviews and pretend I was self-assured. Once I got the job, I had to give presentations, speak at meetings, and continue to fulfill my role with confidence.

I pushed myself to achieve and continue moving forward, but I never felt truly fulfilled. I still remained insecure and began to question why I felt that way, why I was always stuck in my own head, and why I seemed to carry that shell on my back.

Ultimately, I realized that I felt insecure because I was carrying around the words and judgments I’d heard at different points in my life as if they were written into the code of my DNA.

I allowed people who held no significance in my life to take from who I am and hinder the person I have come to be.

We have all had someone say something that does not reflect who we truly are, but sometimes we give it so much power that we allow it to define us.

Because we are human, it is not always easy to instantly deflect how certain words make us feel, but we can search within ourselves to recognize when they become detrimental to who we are and how we live our lives.

Have you ever let judgments or criticism from your past hinder who you are in the present? Have you allowed those words to impact what you are truly capable of? Now is the time to take back that power.

Bring Those Feelings to the Surface

It wasn’t until I was twenty-five years old that I could dig deep enough to peel away the layers I had built over the years and be honest with myself. Those layers masked the pain that had followed me wherever I seemed to go.

If we are not honest with ourselves, it’s easier to remain in that shell and continue on as if those feelings don’t exist. We then relinquish our control and convince ourselves that maybe we are that person as we continue on the same path.

Share Your Feelings With Someone Close to You

Oftentimes, we find shame in the criticisms and judgments we’ve faced, so, we keep them to ourselves. After all, they’ve already hindered us enough. Why expose such raw feelings?

Saying it out loud to someone who genuinely cares and supports you can minimize some of the vulnerability you feel from those who have been so quick to judge you.

It can be therapeutic in not only bringing it to the surface, but in sharing it with another person who can be there for you and serve as a support system.

Surround Yourself With the Right People/Eliminate the Wrong Ones

While I did not have a choice to be surrounded by those kids in school, I have discovered the power in surrounding myself with positive people who have my best interests at heart.

It’s not always easy to let go of people we form relationships with, but if those relationships enforce the negative feelings we are trying to release ourselves from, they only become counterproductive.

People who truly care about us and deserve to be in our lives will not attempt to bring us down or carry the same judgments the people of our past have carried.

Remind Yourself Who You Are

It’s easy to get so caught up in what others say that we begin to see ourselves in that light. Don’t lose sight of who you truly are and the unique qualities you’ve built within yourself.

As I go about my days, form new relationships, take on new challenges in my career, encounter obstacles, and celebrate accomplishments in life, I take the time to remind myself of who I’ve come to be on my own terms, not who other people have deemed me to be.

I find that the more I change my old habits of thinking as that little girl with the shell, the easier it is for me to truly be the person I’ve chosen to be.

It took me a long time, but I was finally able to recognize that the little girl with the shell is not who I am today. She will always be a part of me, but I cannot allow her to dominate my days or I will not be living up to my full potential.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned on my journey so far, it’s that people can only take from you what you allow. If you allow others to define who you are, you are giving them the power to dictate where your path will lead.

Photo by craigCloutier

April 9, 2013
4 Ways to Use Journaling to Calm Your Inner Critic

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

It’s a voice we’re all familiar with, and one that we all find challenging. Yes, the inner critic is the part of our internal dialogue that can make or break our day.

At its best, our inner critic helps us live in a way that’s true to our values, questioning decisions that we might regret later and keeping us on the straight and narrow. At it’s worst, however, an inner critic rampage can bring down our mood, self-esteem, and sense of self-worth.

Much of my own self-work has focused on my internal dialogue. My inner critic can be mean. She has completely different standards for me than for anyone else, and she knows exactly what to say to make my self-confidence crumble.

One aspect of my life my inner critic has been most vocal about is my work. After graduating, I started out as a freelancer, and then recently transitioned into running my own business.

My critic dealt with these transitions by telling me I was getting too big for my boots to think I could make a living working for myself, trying to convince me other people wouldn’t take me seriously, and criticizing everything from my earnings to the fact that I didn’t have a “real” job.

At a time when I was pushing myself outside my comfort zone, this was a painful experience that provoked all kinds of self-doubt and anxiety (plus many sleepless nights).

Calming my inner critic is a work in progress, but there is one tool that I have found invaluable for entering into a more productive dialogue with it: Journaling.

The inner critic only has power when we give it that power. Journaling has helped me learn how to not only keep the inner critic at bay in the short-term, but also to develop a more healthy and balanced relationship with this, and other parts of my internal dialogue, over the long-term.

Here are four ways you can use journaling to calm your inner critic:

1. Cheerleading

Cheerleading is a simple journaling practice that takes a negative self-belief and turns it into an accepting and self-compassionate statement.

Here’s an example:

Negative statement: I hate my stomach. I hate the way it bulges when I sit down, and the way it hangs over my favorite jeans.

Cheerleading statement: I accept my stomach, and accept that it looks the way it looks right now. Any desire to change it comes from wanting the best for my health, not from a sense of not being good enough.

or

I accept my stomach, and know that it is just a part of me; I am not defined as a person by how it looks.

This exercise might feel unnatural at first. It’s easy to get caught up in the inner critic’s beliefs. Cheerleading not only provides us with an alternative perspective, but also helps us strengthen a more self-accepting voice. The more you practice it, the more natural this turnaround becomes and, consequently, the less powerful the critic’s statements become.

2. Dialogue

Our inner critics are capable of dishing out some seriously harsh criticism, but they’re there for a reason. Although it might not be immediately obvious, all of our internal voices are working in their own way to protect us—even the inner critic. When we are shamed and judged for things by other people, over time we internalize their beliefs and start shaming and judging ourselves.

The inner critic works in this way to curb our behavior, and prevent other people from shaming and judging us in the future. Because it’s really trying to protect us, the more we try to ignore and repress our inner critic, the louder it becomes. One way we can calm this voice is to talk to it, and write out the conversation.

When doing this, I find it helpful to bring forward a nurturing internal voice (also called the “adult” part or your “true self”) to act as a mediator.

Start by asking your inner critic to tell you more about a particular statement it made recently, or with a more general dialogue about your feelings. The aim of this is to start a constructive conversation that helps you understand and even empathize with my inner critic’s motivations.

When I realized that my inner critic was trying to protect me from the criticism of specific childhood figures—people I’m not around anymore—it was a lot easier to understand, accept, and reassure the critic. Consequently, the critic’s words became less powerful.

Like cheerleading, this exercise might feel unnatural at first (after all, talking to “the voices in our head” carries a degree of cultural stigma). Keep persevering, and you’ll soon be able to hold a constructive and calmer dialogue with your critic.

3. Retrospect

“Retrospecting” involves reading back over past journaling notes and looking at patterns, language, themes, and underlying beliefs. This activity is best done weeks or months after writing an entry so enough time has passed that you can read with a more objective eye. Consider the following questions:

Does your inner critic sound like anyone you know?

This could be a parent, other relative, a mentor, or anyone who played a significant role in your life as a child.

Does it have any recurring complaints?

Perhaps your inner critic focuses on specific characteristics or attributes, such as your appearance, your work ethic, or your interactions with others. When we identify these patterns, we can look at where they might have come from. My inner critic’s recurring complaints involve my appearance and the idea that I’m “anti-social”—both of which I was criticized for while growing up.

Is there any kind of truth in the critic’s complaints?

We’ve already talked about how the critic is out to protect us, and although it might not communicate with us in manner that’s easy to hear, sometimes it has a point. It can be tempting to dismiss our inner critic’s criticisms as meaningless, but they can be a useful indicator of when we might be behaving out of line with our values.

What do you think your critic is trying to protect you from?

There is a method behind the madness, so take a step back and try to empathize with your inner critic’s motivations, as I described in tip two.

4. Strengthen your other internal voices.

Our inner critics are here to stay and (as much as we might want them to) will not disappear any time soon. One way to balance out our internal dialogue is to make the critic comparatively quieter by strengthening our nurturing internal dialogue.

Beginning this process through journaling helps us strengthen this voice in writing, with the aim that one day we’ll be able to shift the process to real time and have a compassionate, empathic response counteracting the inner critic’s complaints.

The cheerleading exercise above is helpful for this kind of strengthening. You can also use journaling to return to situations that roused the inner critic, and retrospectively respond in writing with the kind of dialogue that would come from a gentler nurturing voice.

Having strengthened my own nurturing voice through journaling, it’s now a lot easier to access that voice internally when my critic appears.

The parts of our internal dialogue are like muscles: the more we use them, the stronger they become. Developing a supportive, empathic dialogue comes with consistent practice over time. With conscious care and attention, however, it is possible to shift our internal dialogue from criticism and blame to empathy and acceptance.

How do you calm your inner critic?

Photo by Renata Diem

April 9, 2013
The Story So Far: Your Life Is How You Interpret It

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” ~Carl Bard

My life has been a long string of failures.

The earliest I can remember is having my teeth knocked out when my grandpa braked too hard at a stoplight on our way to a church Easter pageant. I was supposed to be singing a solo, the part of the “little gray lamb,” and I did it—performing while clutching a bloodstained washcloth wrapped around ice cubes to hold to my front gums in between verses.

Dumb kid. Should’ve worn a seatbelt.

In sixth grade I was chosen to represent my school at the Planet Bowl at the Zeigfield Theatre in New York. I came within one warning of disqualification and yet won the competition, earning a microscope for my school and getting my picture in the paper with former Mayor Abe Beam.

Talk about a self-centered attention seeker.

In high school I played leading roles in musicals, composed and arranged pieces performed with my fellow students, won state-level First honors in both drama and music. I also lettered in cross country and swimming, was a national merit semi-finalist, and won a rotary scholarship.

What an unrealistic artsy-fartsy nerd.

I was an honor student in college, before withdrawing to join the Marines. There I tied for top scores in the School of Infantry, getting a meritorious mast. I raised one, two, and then two more daughters, working every job I could find, from short-order cook to multimedia producer to feed them, house them, clothe them, and help them turn into the remarkable young women they are now.

What a waste. A white guy during the dot-com boom couldn’t do better than flipping burgers and pancakes? Pathetic.

That’s the story I’ve told myself, over and over.

I could list more triumphs, more successes, more things that I attempted and achieved, but the number of things I didn’t achieve always vastly outnumbers them.

Either in comparison to what others have accomplished or simply in comparison to that evil little voice of “you should’ve” in the back of my head, no matter what I pull up and show, there is always a version of the story of my life where even my failures could’ve been better.

In some ways it could be argued that this has been beneficial. I am always trying to please that voice, and it leads me to try hard, try again, and try different approaches until I find something that works.

I got inspired by Homer’s Odysseus, whose epithet “polyteknos” literally means “man of many ways.” That dissatisfaction with the things I’ve done has led to more and more varied and unusual accomplishments in various areas, taken me around the world teaching, learning, and connecting with remarkable people.

But always accompanied by that voice in my head, saying: If yer so smart, why ain’t you rich? Or in better shape, or more prolific a writer, or more attentive a father, or, or, or.

Forty-three years of this, give or take. And finally, in about the past year, I’m slowly coming to realize something about this epic tale of my life.

The should’ve’s always seem bigger than the did’s because of the stories I’ve been telling myself about them. They have no more substance than the shadow of a cloud passing over a mountain, yet they change my entire perception of what happened.

What if I could change that? What if I could set out to tell a different story? What happens then?

Carl Bard is right: I can’t change what has happened, but I can look at it differently, a process popularly known as reframing.

Suddenly my parents’ divorce is what gave me three half-sisters and a half-brother. My withdrawal from college took me out of an environment toxic to my young questioning mind. The injuries to my knees that led to a discharge from the Corps let me raise my kids without the trauma of Gulf War I.

Every mishap, mistake, misunderstanding, and misspent moment led directly to the person I am now.

Is that person a success? Is that person a failure? Like Schrodinger’s Cat, the fact is that I am both and neither until I choose the lens through which to look at myself. Between the reflection in the mirror and my brain, the filters of experience change the feelings attached to every event and deed.

Sometimes the mountains are in sunlight, sometimes shadow. The mountains remain, nonetheless. They can be obstacles or they can be panoramic beauty. Either way, they will inspire the story within.

You write about the mountain and the valley and the river and all the rest of your life’s metaphorical landscape. You also rewrite that story, every day. Not only how it ends, but also how you remember it.

There is magic in hindsight, and there is forgiveness in perspective, if you choose to accept either.

Best of all, there is inspiration in the knowledge that the path led you to now, where you have the power to decide what will happen next.

If you asked me, right now, what the biggest accomplishment of my life has been, it’s a no-brainer. It’s a tie between making my three-year-old grandson Harvey laugh and making my other grandson, one-year-old Victor, smile. Nothing else in my entire life has felt as worthwhile. Not. One. Thing.

There is no way the little gray lamb, the musician, the Marine, or any other me’s could have known or planned for that. And that’s okay; I am eternally grateful for the part they played in making my life’s great work possible.

Slowly I’m learning not to worry about writing the ending of my story or editing the beginning. I’m learning to do what is most important, every day: The story, so far.

Photo by Bev Goodwin

April 8, 2013
5 Steps to Make Change Work for You

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts

Life is a free-flowing, ever changing river. Riding the rapids is frightening, and the temptation to avoid it is alluring. However, the adventure it promises is equally attractive.

We are naturally primed to adapt. Yet, the possibility of having to give up what is familiar is daunting. It can leave one paralyzed, disoriented, and unable to move forward.

In my childhood, my family kept moving across cities and often within the same city. By the time I was ten, I had lived in three cities, in two different states, in about ten different residences, and had studied in seven different schools. A period of apparent stability followed this nomadic phase of my life.

When I decided to get married, I had been living in the same city for about fifteen years. I had a job, a daily routine, a solid social circle, and everything else that speaks of a “settled” life. I was absolutely snug in the center of my comfort zone!

Perhaps that is why the thought of moving to a new city post-marriage made me apprehensive.

Marriage, in itself, is a huge life change. I knew full well that it would usher in a plethora of new roles, responsibilities, and demands.

In addition to this, living away from my family, my friends, and everything that was familiar to me was a rather intimidating challenge.

The doubts that my family and friends expressed with regards to my ability to adjust added to my anxiety. I started to have second thoughts about getting married.

At the same time the idea of giving up on a wonderful man just because I was too afraid to make a few changes in my life seemed ridiculous. In the end, I decided in favor of getting married and moving to a new city—one that was very different from what I was used to.

Two years later, I know I’ve made the right decision. Having taken on the challenge called “change,” I have made it work for me. In retrospect, I can describe the process of successful change as having five discrete steps/stages.

1. Reaffirmation of self-belief.

I had to trust myself. Handing in my resignation letter without having another job lined up was one of the toughest things I’ve had to do.

I gave myself the confidence that I was skilled, and I would be able to find another job no matter where I went. I believed that no matter where life took me, I would find a way to put down roots and thrive.

2. The willingness to move out of your comfort zone.

It’s difficult and it takes a lot of courage to let go of the people, places, and things that we’re used to. These are emotional anchors that keep us rooted. They give us a feeling of security.

To successfully make a change, however, one must be willing to let go and accept the ensuing discomfort—which is usually short lived and worth the trouble when you take the benefits into consideration.

Accepting discomfort does not mean that you should disregard the unpleasant aspects of the situation and focus only on the positive. In fact, we may find nothing to like. Acknowledging the negatives is a better strategy than denial, and was in fact the third step I took toward making a smooth transition.

3. Acknowledge what you don’t like.

When we are open about what we dislike like about the situation, it presents us with opportunities for problem solving. There are many things that I don’t like about the city I live in now. However, acknowledging these things has enabled me to work around these issues.

Of course, I didn’t do any of this in a hurry.

When we juggle too many balls, we’re bound to drop a couple. Each one of us has our own momentum at which we are able to make adjustments.

4. Find your own pace.

As a new bride, my initial focus was on getting to know my new family better. From there I moved on to getting to know my immediate neighbors and locality well. I took my time to settle down before I started working again and exploring the city as a whole.

This steady pace gave me the time to appreciate the positives—the final step.

5. Appreciate everything you’ve gained.

I began to notice that making the change had opened up a whole new world to me. This was a great opportunity to meet new people and to discover new places!

Quitting my well-paying job—something that I dreaded before—became a blessing in disguise. I had always wanted to be a learning and development professional; however, I had been working as a marketing executive.

Quitting my job in marketing in order to shift to the new city, though unpleasant, had now given me the perfect opportunity to make the desired shift in my career as well.

A happy family life, a dream job, and the time to pursue my interest in writing—these are the greatest gifts that I have received as a result of making this change.

When we begin to see the good that is the outcome of the change, we know that we have been successful in making a transition.

Change can be unpleasant, uninvited, and unwanted. But every change opens a door to possibilities that can leave us pleasantly surprised. Whether or not we can take advantage of it depends on how we approach the new situation we find ourselves in.

The best part about being human is that we have the ability to adapt consciously—by altering the situation that we are in or by adjusting to the circumstances. When seen through these lenses, change is not something to be feared and avoided. Rather, it becomes a tool for growth and self-development.

We can make change work for us.

Photo by Alaskan Dude

April 8, 2013
Finding What We’re Missing: Our Lives Are Already Complete

“Each day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” ~Basho

What does family mean? Is it the people whose genes you share? Is it the people that you grew up with? Is it the people who love you unconditionally in spite of your faults and flaws?

Family for me has been an evolving idea. I was adopted from Seoul, Korea when I was four months old. After a few months in an orphanage, family started off simply as the people I grew up with.

Raised in South Central Pennsylvania with a Caucasian family in an area where diversity was lacking, to say the least, I remember receiving looks from some people when my older sister introduced me as her baby sister. They would tilt their heads to the side and say, “Are you sure?”

Adding insult to injury, my adopted mother passed away when I was thirteen after years of complicated health issues. She was the most vocal about how much she loved me, wanted me, and protected me when she caught anyone directing their fearful insecurities my way.

Losing her was one of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever had to deal with. Losing my best friend after a cliff diving accident in college was the next. The two people who embodied family and home for me were gone.

I spent many years angry, bitter, and confused as to why my biological family gave me away only for me to land in a family where I would experience a death nearly every other year from the time I was five years old, along with many other traumas and heartbreaks. (more…)

April 4, 2013
How Taking Quiet Time for Yourself Helps People Around You

“I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz of of Shiraz

“What I wouldn’t give for a few moments of silence.”

“I really should start meditating.”

“I know it’s important to take breaks, but I just don’t have time.”

We’ve all heard (or made) comments like these at some point. Implicit in these statements is the idea that resting in stillness is beneficial…for the individual.

But what if such a practice of peace is more than that? What if it’s beneficial for others in your family, your community, in every life you touch?

When I worked as a live-in caregiver for adults with intellectual disabilities at L’Arche, I often rose early to help my housemates with their morning routines. (L’Arche is a non-profit that creates homes wherein people with and without intellectual disabilities share life together in community.)

I came to live there after college, and it was a wonderful challenge for an introvert like me to live and work with fourteen housemates for two years.

When I wasn’t assigned to help my housemates with their morning routines, however, I had a ritual of my own. I’d pad down the staircase in slippers, my journal in hand. I’d assemble some breakfast, and then sit down in a living room chair that faced the house’s front windows.

Morning light would warm my skin and my spirit too. I’d sip my coffee and stare silently, content to take it all in.

My housemates would move through their routines around me; my morning oasis was, after all, right in the midst of a fourteen-person household. I would greet them with a smile, then duck my head and keep silent. (more…)

April 3, 2013
10 Tips to Help Relieve Depression and Heartache

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” ~Johann Von Goethe

Not long ago I was completely imprisoned within myself, feeling lost without any direction. Sleeping consumed most of my time. I had brief moments when I checked in on Facebook, only to get a glimpse of others’ seemingly perfect lives with holidays, parties, babies, and weddings.

This made me more miserable, as I felt I had nothing going on in my own life.

Frustration was building within me because somewhere deep inside, the dreams that I had hidden away wanted me to start pursuing them. Easier said than done of course, but I knew that hiding under my duvet cover wasn’t going to take me anywhere.

I needed to change my negative outlook on life to a much more positive one. In this new process, I started to apply what I call the 10 “T”s to help with my feelings and fears.

The 10 “T”s to help relieve depression and heartache:

1. Trust yourself and the universe.

Know that the universe has a greater plan for us than we can ever imagine. My first authentic feeling of surrender came by reading self-help books. This gave me the first push toward believing and trusting in the power of the universe. It’s the greatest comfort knowing that you are taken care of. (more…)

April 3, 2013
You Will Never Be Finished: Find Peace by Enjoying Where You Are

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ~Dalai Lama

“I wish I could do it all over again,” said my grandmother on her 60^th wedding anniversary.

“Really?” I asked.

A small smile crossed her face as she replied, “Yes. Because when you enjoy your life—when you really enjoy your life—it just goes by so fast. I wish I could go back and do it all again.”

There was my 80-year-old grandmother, who, in the twilight of her years, spoke to me not of regrets.

Nor did she tell me about all the things she wished she could have done in her life, or wished she had done differently.

There were no shouldas, wouldas, or couldas.

She’d do everything the same. She’d live the same life, with the same experiences, all over again.

I wonder, how many of us will say that in the twilight of our lives?

For many years I wouldn’t have said that. I was unhealthy. I ate too much, drank too much, and hardly exercised. I hated my job in politics and public policy, but didn’t know what else to do in my career. And despite having all these friends and family members around me, I was unhappy.

I lived in my own “dark ages,” until shortly before my 28^th birthday when I woke up. Something had to change—I had to change.

That was three years ago.

I’ve since lost forty pounds and three dress sizes, and kept it off.

And last year, after working almost ten years in politics and public policy, I walked away from my job to work as a freelance writer. My new career has gone better than I could have imagined. (more…)

April 2, 2013
5 Lessons on Bringing Your Dream to Life

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I grew up with a stepdad who was a dreamer. He lived in a world where positive affirmations created a positive life. He believed that going after your heart’s desire was as important as anything else. He lived in the clouds and in his designs and in his visions.

I used to wake up and find that he had left post-it notes on my bathroom mirror with quotes about reaching my dreams such as, “You can if you think you can,” and “Quitters never win, and winners never quit.”

He bought me a pillow speaker when I was seven, so every night I could listen to a subliminal tape repeating how I would succeed beautifully in life.

He held a vision for himself to create his own business. He invented a product to put on every street sweeper and set out to make this dream come true. He worked tirelessly at it for many years, and eventually it took off. He had done it. He was living his dream.

I would love to say that this is where the story ends. I would love to say that he lived happily ever after embracing his dream. But that just wouldn’t be the truth.

What actually happened is that my stepdad’s dream—this life that he created—began to unravel almost as quickly as it had been created. And eventually, he lost everything: his dream, his family, and his life.

(He was never the same after his business folded; his zest for life left him, and he ended up dying at fifty-six from unknown causes. I think that his spirit was broken and his will to live was no longer there.)

But, even though it ended so badly and sadly, he happened to pass on the dreaming torch to me. And I carry it proudly and almost defiantly.

Dreamers aren’t always revered in our society. Sometimes they are seen as flaky or irresponsible. (more…)

April 2, 2013
Releasing Expectations: 4 Ways To Live Your Life for You

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.” ~Raymond Hull

I tell people my 30s were for being married. This is a slight exaggeration, since I’m 39 now and single. However, I married at 30, divorced at 34, married again at 36, and divorced again at almost 39.

Both of the men were great guys. I meant well, each time. I went into each relationship with the intention I’d want to continue it.

Crap happens.

To many people this information is no big deal. I certainly didn’t think it was any big deal. However, I’ve been very surprised at how much judgment some people respond with when they learn I’ve been divorced twice.

There was the acquaintance who informed me it was okay to be divorced twice but that three times would be unacceptable (I guess to him?); there was the “friend” who informed me she didn’t want to hang out anymore because I did not “respect” marriage. (I heard from mutual friends she and her own husband split soon after.)

I’ve suspected that people who do respond with judgment do so, in part, because they expect a response from me that I do not offer. I am not ashamed, or embarrassed; I am not regretful, I have no excuses, and I am not blaming the men. I am simply stating a fact and owning it with great comfort.

My theory is that the judgers are uncomfortable because I do not meet their expectations of how I should live my life and how I should feel about my life experiences.

How often are we attempting to live up to the expectations of others without even realizing it?

Through self-questioning and introspection, we can learn a lot about ourselves, and if (or how much) we are unconsciously making decisions based on others’ expectations. Here are 4 suggestions of ways to do this:

1. Ask yourself, “What are the reasons I want this goal or made this decision?”

Sounds simple, right? Actually, it’s sometimes surprising how little we know about the reasons we’ve made the decisions we have. Dig in a little, be inquisitive, and ask follow-up questions to your initial questions. (more…)

April 1, 2013
The Gifts of Empathy: We’re Not Alone with What We’re Feeling

“In separateness lies the world’s great misery, in compassion lies the world’s true strength.” ~Buddha

When asked why I write fiction, I used to say, “Because I enjoy writing and revising sentences” or “Because I like practicing an art I’ll never perfect” or “Because I love to read.” All those reasons remain true, but my answer has changed.

The most important reason I write stories, and read them, is to practice empathy.

Strange how we often feel empathy more easily for fictional characters than for real people. One reason is that sometimes we get to know fictional characters more deeply than our family members and friends.

Too often in real life we keep aspects of our true selves hidden and miss an important opportunity to connect with other human beings.

How many times has this happened to you? You run into a friend, sometimes a close friend, who says, “How are you doing?” and you say, “Good! How are you?” and the friend says, “Good!” Meanwhile, you’re not doing well at all, and later you discover that your friend hadn’t been doing well.

Recently, I tried something different. When a friend asked how I was, I told him the truth—that I’d had a difficult week.

He said, “I’m sorry to hear that. I know a few other people who had a rough week.” He waited to see if I wanted to share more, but didn’t prod. Then he said, “Hey, I hope you have a better week next week.” I could tell that he meant it, and that made me feel a little better, a little less alone.

I’m not suggesting that we all become confessional and reveal our secret struggles, fears, and pains with everyone we meet. But I am suggesting that you don’t have to feel alone. When you take a chance and share a hidden part of yourself with someone, it’s amazing how often people respond with, “Me too.”

Here is the most important thing to remember: Whatever you’re feeling, someone else has felt it. Whatever you’re going through, someone else has gone through it. You may feel alone, especially if what you’re experiencing is very frightening or painful, but you are never alone.

I was having dinner with a close friend the other night, sharing with him about a difficult time in my life, the most difficult, when I had hurt someone I love very much. (more…)

April 1, 2013
The Benefits of High-Quality Talk: Connect, Grow, and Thrive

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

I was always disturbed and discouraged during periods in my life when I was stuck, circling in an eddy, moving—but going nowhere.

At times I was stuck in my job: I was bored and couldn’t figure out how to get excited again. Even though I was the CEO and had lots of freedom to make changes in my organization and in my personal work activities, I couldn’t see what might move me toward my potential.

At other times, I was stuck in a marriage that wasn’t dynamic, or I was between relationships and without prospects for the love and excitement I felt I needed to be happy.

During those periods of dormancy, I was aware that I was stuck, and I was willing to shake things up to be able to emerge. But I didn’t know exactly what needed shaking up within myself, and I didn’t know how to shake myself up. I needed to be thrown out of the nest.

I read broadly during those periods. I meditated. I exercised.

But I continued to circle in an eddy of my own consciousness.

Over time, I discovered how to bring high-quality talk into my life every day, and that discovery gave me the freedom and skill I needed for the dynamic life I wanted.

Creating high-quality talk gave me creative control over my own emergence.

High-quality talk is: (more…)

March 31, 2013
Start Healing the World: Take Responsibility for Healing Yourself

“The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” ~Marianne Williamson

We all have the fundamental desire to create an ideal world, where everyone is healthy, happy, and free of suffering. The habitual tendency we all have is to look around us, find out what’s wrong with the world, and then try to “fix” it.

While it’s true that horrible things happen around us everyday, to transform the world we all experience, we have to start with ourselves. We can only create change in the world if we first start with our own individual healing.

When we heal a part in ourselves, we also heal that part in the world. In order to heal we must utilize the power of forgiveness.

I recall a night many years ago when I finally fully recognized how much I had been hurting myself with my persistent negative self-talk.

I used to believe that I wasn’t good enough to have and enjoy the type of life that I wanted, that I wasn’t attractive enough to meet the kind of man I dreamed of, or that I would never reach the ability to fulfill my potential.

Based on observing my mother, stepfather, and grandparents from an early age, I learned to feel guilty for all the good, as well as all the bad that occurred in life. I also learned to blame others, and that life is supposed to be a struggle. (more…)

March 28, 2013
8 Easy Ways To Spread Happiness Around You

“All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.” ~Proverb

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to contribute to the world somehow. I’ve always dreamed of starting a charity organization. I bet that, just like me, you walk around with some sort of wish in your heart to change the world in some way, but you might not do anything about it. How come?

My excuses were time, money, fears, and not knowing how to go about it. I’m guessing you have similar hindrances.

Until recently I held on to the limiting belief that someday, one perfect day, when I’m done being busy with pursuing my masters degree, working my current part-time job in a call center, and raising two small kids under five, I’ll follow my heart and contribute to this world. Someday.

It’s a myth!

Through my job in a call center, I witness lots of tragedies that happen to people, and they’ve been wakeup calls for me.

I’ve understood something life-changing: all I really have is today. And I better make it count.

So I made a conscious decision, a choice, to throw all my fears away and start spreading happiness.

I thought, I might not be able to start a charity now, but I can take a tiny step and start as a volunteer in some existing organization. So I joined hospital clown project, where I do the small, practical stuff for them.

I also decided to spread happiness around my inner circle—my husband, my two kids, my family, friends, and colleagues, with small things. (more…)

March 28, 2013
7 Powerful Spiritual Truths: Turn Challenges into a Reawakening

“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

Have you ever had an experience that took you to emotional rock bottom? One that left you drained, broken, and totally numb? Your life shattered, and you scrambling to pick up the pieces and put them back together?

It might sound like a cliché, but sometimes it really is darkest just before dawn. Rock bottom can be a great place to start to rebuild yourself. Sometimes, it is the only place, as I once experienced.

My Spiritual Re-awakening

He had just broken up with me. We weren’t together for long—a few months at most—but it was still one of the most painful things I ever experienced.

I knew that my pain wasn’t because the relationship was over; it stemmed from a lack of self-worth.

I didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship with myself, let alone another person. The pain of trying to have close relationships without having the skills to successfully navigate them had caught up to me with a vengeance—vengeance that had brought me to my knees.

And so began my spiritual re-awakening and the re-emergence of these hidden truths: (more…)

March 27, 2013
Lessons from Regret: The Time is Now

“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

“Six weeks ago the doctors told me he had six weeks to live. I don’t think he is going to survive the night.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?” I whimpered, my voice barely above a whisper. ‘We don’t have any time left.”

I didn’t think that as a 19 year old, seeing my father die in a hospital was going to be something I would experience. Wasn’t he meant to grow old and grey, with me taking care of him?

Nevertheless, in the early hours of the following morning, when the rest of the world was lying in a quiet slumber, I was sat at my dad’s bedside, holding his hand while it slowly grew cold. I wasn’t willing to let go, as letting go would mean accepting what was. I wasn’t ready for that.

My dad and I had always had such a difficult relationship. I was the rebel teenager and he was the frustrated father who just never knew what to do with me. In the end, when the cancer had really taken over, he just gave up. He knew I wouldn’t be his problem for much longer.

As the weeks and months passed, it became easier to be without him. But the one thing that followed me was the regret I felt—of not trying to understand him, and not making our relationship better.

The older I get, the more I realize that that period of life was meant to teach me some tough lessons—lessons that have stayed with me to this day.

If you want to say something, say it.

Don’t wait for a good time. Life is beautiful and cruel in that it doesn’t tell you when your last day on earth will be. (more…)

March 26, 2013
10 Happiness Tips for People Who Have Been Hurt

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~Unknown

Maybe someone hurt you physically or emotionally. Maybe you’ve survived something else traumatic—a natural disaster, a fire, an armed robbery. Or maybe you’ve just come out of a trying situation, and though you know you’ll eventually recover, you still feel pain that seems unbearable.

Whatever the case may be, you’ve been scarred and you carry it with you through many of your days.

Most of us can relate on some level to that feeling. Even people who excel at taking personal responsibility have at least one story of having been hurt. Though some of us have endured more serious situations, you really can’t quantify or compare emotional pain.

To a teenager who just had her heart broken, the pain really seems like the end of the world. In fact, Livestrong estimates that every 100 minutes, a teenager takes their life—and that the number of suicides in high-income families is the same as in poor families.

Presumably, not all of those teens have suffered incomprehensible tragedies. What they have in common is pain, born from different adversities and circumstances.

When you’re hurting some people might tell you to “let it go,” as if that’s a valid solution. They may say “it’s all in your head” and assume that reasons away the pain. But none of that will help you heal and find happiness from moment to moment.

Like everyone, I’ve been hurt, in both profound and trivial ways. I’ve had to to acknowledge my feelings, process them, and then find ways to work through them so I could let go and move on. Here’s what helped me do just that.

1. Define your pain.

It’s not always easy to identify and understand what’s hurting you. Some people even stay in abusive relationships because it’s safer than acknowledging their many layers of pain: the low self-esteem that convinces them they deserve abuse, the shame over being treated with such cruelty, and the feeling of desperation that convinces them there’s no real way out.

The first step toward finding happiness after having been hurt is to understand why you were hurt, to get to the root of everything that makes the memories hard.

2. Feel and express that pain.

There’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to communicate how you feel to the person who hurt you, and if you can, there’s no guarantee they’ll respond how you want them to. Say what you need to say anyway. Write in your journal. Write a letter and burn it. Get it all out.

This will help you understand why you’re hurting and what you’ll do in the future to avoid similar pain, so you can feel empowered instead of victimized.

Research has actually proven that people who focus on lessons learned while journaling find the experience more helpful than people who don’t.

3. Try to stay in the present.

Reliving the past can be addictive. It gives you the opportunity to do it again and respond differently—to fight back instead of submitting, to speak your mind instead of silencing yourself. It also allows you to possibly understand better. What happened? Where did you go wrong? What should you have done?

Regardless of what you think you should have done, you can’t do it now. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, you may need professional help to avoid revisiting the incident. If you don’t, you need sustained effort. Fight the urge to relive the pain over and over. You can’t go back and find happiness there. You can only experience that now.

4. Stop rehashing the story.

Sometimes we tell a sad story over and over again as a way to avoid moving on from the past.

It may seem like another way to understand what happened, or maybe it feels helpful to hear someone say you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t deserve to hurt. And it’s okay if you need that for a while.

But if you do this for years it keeps you stuck living your life around a memory and giving it power to control you.

No amount of reassurance will change what happened. You can’t find happiness by holding onto a painful story and letting it control your life. You can only find happiness when you let it go and make room for something better.

If telling your story empowers you and helps other people, then by all means share! Only you know where you are mentally and emotionally and whether telling your story is hurting or helping you.

5. Forgive yourself.

Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong but you blame yourself. Or maybe you played a role in creating your current situation. Regardless of what happened, you need to realize that what you did is not who you are. And even if you feel immense regret, you deserve to start today without carrying that weight. You deserve a break.

You can either punish yourself and submit to misery, or forgive yourself and create the possibility of happiness. It comes down to whether you decide to dwell or move on. Which do you choose: anger with yourself and prolonged pain, or forgiveness and the potential for peace?

6. Stop playing the blame/victim game.

Maybe you were a victim. Maybe someone did horrible things to you, or you fell into an unfortunate set of circumstances through no fault of your own. It still doesn’t serve you to sit around feeling bad for yourself, blaming other people. In fact, it only holds you back. You can’t feel good if you use this moment to feel bad about another person’s actions.

The only way to experience happiness is to take responsibility for creating it, whether other people made it easy for you or not. You’re not responsible for what happened to you in the past but you’re responsible for your attitude now. Why let someone who hurt you in the past have power over your present?

7. Don’t let the pain become your identity.

If everything you do and all your relationships center around something that hurt you, it will be harder to move on. You may even come to appreciate what that identity gives you: attention, the illusion of understanding, or the warmth of compassion, for example.

You have to consider the possibility there’s a greater sense of happiness in completely releasing your story. That you’d feel better than you can even imagine if you’d stop letting your pain define you. You can have a sad story in your past without building your present around it.

8. Reconnect with who you were before the pain.

It’s not easy to release a pain identity, particularly if you’ve carried it around for a long time. It may help to remember who you were before that experience—or to consider who you might have become if it hadn’t happened.You can still be that person, someone who doesn’t feel bitter or angry so frequently.

If you want to feel peaceful and happy, start by identifying what that looks like—what you think about, what you do, how you interact with people. Odds are this process will remind you both how you want to be and how you don’t want to be.

9. Focus on things that bring you joy in the moment.

You don’t have to focus on completely letting go of your pain forever; you just have to make room for joy right now. Start simple. What’s something you can enjoy in this moment, regardless of what pain you’ve experienced? Would sitting in the sun bring you joy? Would calling your sister bring you joy?

Don’t think about the totality of the rest of your days. That’s a massive burden to carry—haven’t you hurt enough? Just focus on now, and allow yourself a little peace. You’ll be surprised how easily “nows” can add up when you focus on them as they come.

10. Share that joy with other people.

We often isolate ourselves when we’re hurting because it feels safer than showing people our vulnerability. What we fail to realize is that we don’t have to feel vulnerable all the time. We can choose certain people for support, and then allow ourselves time with others without involving our painful stories.

You can share a meal, a movie, a moment and give yourself a break from your anger or sadness. You don’t have to carry it through every moment of your day. Don’t worry—if you feel you need to remember it, you’ll still be able to recall it later. But as you allow yourself pockets of peace, shared with people you love, you may find you need that story a lot less.

***

To be clear, you have a right to feel whatever you feel. And you don’t have to rush through your sadness or anger. We all need time to process our feelings. But there comes a time when we need to consciously choose to heal, let go, and move on. It’s a process, and it won’t be easy. But you deserve it.

Everyone deserves to feel happy. Everyone deserves a little peace. One more thing we all have in common: we can only provide those things for ourselves.

Photo here.

**This post has been expanded to clarify a few crucial points.

March 26, 2013
Live a Big Life: Shift from “Why Me?” to “Why?”

“The journey is the reward.” ~Chinese Proverb

We’ve probably all heard this famous piece of wisdom at one time or another.

I’ll be honest, there were a few years where I just plain blew it off.

Like, “Yeah, yeah, journey, reward, I got it. Cool. Now, when’s my ship coming in?”

Not that I was greedy. Just impatient to arrive at a place called Made It. It seemed that other people were already there and I was eager to join them.

I had seen the brochure for Made It and I knew then and there, it was my kind of place.

The trick about getting to Made It is that there wasn’t a singular map. You’re supposed to make your own.

In my case, my map started with, “First, take a hard right at Work Really Hard. Then, follow this for about three to five years.

There won’t be any signs, but if you see exits to places called Partyville and Cul-de-lack-of-Discipline, whatever you do, don’t get off there.

Keep your eyes on the road, stay awake, and eventually, you’ll arrive at your destination.”

Once I’d sussed out my map, I thought it would be a short trip, relatively speaking since I had packed properly.

In my duffle I had: my unique brand of fulfilling creative expression, plenty of determination (roll-on), focus (with back-up laser), integrity (large-ruled), networking ability (with stationary for thank you notes), and extra socks (tenacity can make you perspire).

Oh and sunscreen, because I burn easily and it’s super sunny in Made It.

I had big ambitions since my teens, so I planned to arrive in Made It early, settle in, and eventually get a summer place in Write Your Own Ticket.

I thought I’d be flying high by the time I was twenty-five—living in a two-bedroom condo in a nice high rise in downtown M. I., complete with a jolly doorman and giant beige sectional sofa that could sleep a family of six. (more…)

March 25, 2013
Live a Life You Love: 5 Steps to Set Your Priorities Straight
“It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?” ~Henry David Thoreau

About a month ago I decided to add more at-home exercise to my schedule.

Since I found out that sitting for multiple hours a day can increase our heart attack risk by fifty-four percent, I have figured out that the more movement I add to my life, the better for my longevity.

Being vital and living a long life are important to me, so making the decision to add more exercise was easy.

Yet, my plan did not work out quite well. Even though I aimed to add twenty minutes of home exercise a few days a week, I am not doing it more than once a week.

I could not help it but ask myself why I am not following through.

If there is an area in your life where you have not been following through and you are like me, then you have probably made the same mistake. You have confused the important stuff with the urgent stuff.

You are being busy.

Countless things demand your attention, now.
- Your phone just buzzed because you were tagged in a photo on Facebook.
- You have a deadline at work tomorrow.
- You must prepare lunches for your kids.
- You must pay that bill because it’s due today.
The stuff that you devote most of your time to on a daily basis is urgent. It must be done today. You cannot postpone them for tomorrow, or at least, it feels like that.

The result? You clear out the important stuff to make time for the urgent. But you didn’t do that consciously. It just…happened.

You let the urgent stuff take control of your time and your life.
- And you get fat.
- Your parents complain that you are not as close.
- Your kids are growing up—without you.
You are sensing something is wrong, but you are not sure what it is. (more…)
March 25, 2013
Dealing with Loss and Grief: Be Good to Yourself While You Heal

“To be happy with yourself, you’ve got to lose yourself now and then.” ~Bob Genovesi

At a holiday party last December, I ran into a friend from college who I hadn’t seen in twenty years.

“What’s going on with you? You look great!”

“Oh, well… My mother passed away and my husband and I divorced.”

“Oh Jeez! I’m so sorry,” he said. “That’s a lot! So, why do you look so great?”

Perhaps it wasn’t the greatest party conversation, but I did with it smile.

“It was the hardest year of my life, but I’m getting through it and that makes me feel good.”

Sure, what he didn’t know was that I had spent many weeks with the blinds closed. I cried my way through back-to-back TV episodes on Netflix.

I knitted three sweaters, two scarves, a winter hat, and a sweater coat.

I had too many glasses of wine as I danced around in my living room to pop music, pretending I was still young enough to go to clubs.

And at times it was hard to eat, but damn if I didn’t look good in those new retail-therapy skinny jeans.

Another friend of mine lost his father last spring. When he returned from the East Coast, I knew he would be in shock at re-entry. I invited him over for a bowl of Italian lentil and sausage soup.

As we ate in my kitchen nook, he spoke of the pain of the loss of his father, and even the anger at his friends who, in social situations, avoided talking to him directly about his loss.

Looking down at my soup, I said, “Grief is a big bowl to hold. It takes so many formations, so many textures and colors. You never know how or when it will rear its head and take a hold of you. Sometimes you cry unfathomably, some days you feel guilty because you haven’t cried, and in other moments you are so angry or filled with anxiety you just don’t know what to do.”

Grief is one of those emotions that have a life of their own. It carries every feeling within it and sometimes there’s no way to discern it. (more…)

March 24, 2013