Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Try This If You’re Struggling to Find Your Passion

    Try This If You’re Struggling to Find Your Passion

    “Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

    For the past three years, I’ve been in the throes of a quarter-life crisis.

    Just a few months into my first cubicle-bound job, I had the life-altering realization that most everyone comes to eventually: I’m going to work a job every day for the next forty-plus of my life. If I want to make that enjoyable, I need to be living my purpose and engaging my passions.

    Knowing that life is short and the best time to change is now, I dove headfirst into reading and implementing advice on how I could discover and live my passion. 

    In the three-year search, I registered for hobbies that interested me. I researched and pursued various careers. I talked to my friends about what I was good at. I encouraged my husband to find his passions so that we were both supported in this dream. I waited patiently and openly for inspiration.

    Soon enough, some of my passions bubbled up to the surface in easily identifiable ways.

    I loved writing, interacting with people one on one, business, yoga, rescue animals, chocolate, coffee houses, and digital newspapers.

    To see what ideas “stuck,” I started businesses, changed careers, wrote freelance, initiated a local yoga community, volunteered, and truly “discovered” myself.

    But these attempts at finding a passion that could become my career always happened the same way—I’d start out with massive bursts of energy, produce great results, and then hear the small voice in my heart whisper, “This isn’t it…there’s something else out there for you.”

    After a couple of years of trying and failing at finding the passion that would stick, I decided to just stop looking for a while.

    In the meantime, I would work hard at my job and come to terms with the fact that the most people never have careers that engage their passions—and maybe that’s okay. After all, I could still have passions outside my work.

    But the drive to create a career around my passion never went away.

    My turning point came one night as I was sitting at home with my husband watching The Legend of Baggar Vance—a movie about a down-on-his-luck golfer who enlists the help of an inspirational golf caddy (Baggar Vance) to perfect his game.

    In one of the scenes, Baggar says to the golfer:

    “Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing. Something we were born with. Something that’s ours and ours alone. Something that can’t be taught to you or learned. Something that got to be remembered.”

    And I sat stunned for a second. Although the movie went on, my mind was stuck on this idea: your passion—your one true authentic gift—has to be remembered.

    For so long, I had been searching, trying new things, exploring jobs, careers, and “attractive” passions outside of myself—without ever trying to remember what passions have been with me all along.

    In an instant of clarity, I remembered that for my whole life, I have been in love with business and personal finance. My father and grandmother had always been very determined to teach me about the flow of money and how starting a business could ensure my freedom.

    From these constant little lessons growing up, I picked up an interest in business that had permeated my life in ways that I just didn’t really recognize.

    I remembered back to the time I was nine years old and told my grandma I’d love to be a financial planner to help people with their business and money, the way she’d helped me develop those skills.

    I remembered too how I sat enthralled reading business magazines on airplanes. I remembered how what I really wanted out of my career was to run my own business one day. I realized that this was a deep, steady current that connected many phases of my life.

    But how could my passion be so… plain? Aren’t passions supposed to be artistic, exotic, or inspirational? Aren’t passions supposed to wow people?

    Perhaps not. Perhaps my passion for the mundane things could be a way to bring life to an otherwise mundane topic—the way your crazy history teacher started talking really fast and excitedly about the Civil Rights movement, making you excited about it too.

    Since this realization, I’ve started pursuing a business in financial coaching, and I am so happy. The small voice in my heart is whispering, “You’re on the right track!” for the first time. I haven’t been distracted by what other things I could be doing. Even better, I am engaging my other passions too.

    If you’re struggling to find your passion, even after trying what feels like doing everything, I encourage you to do this: sit down, open your journal, pour a cup of tea, and try to remember your passions.

    Think back on your life, and remember things you wanted to be, the habits you developed naturally, the games you played, the books you read, and see how they may apply to your life and career today. You might be surprised by the connection points that have been right under your nose all along.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Erin Lanahan

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Erin Lanahan

    erin-lanahan

    This is second week of a month-long promotion for Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Over the next month, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them contributors through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Erin Lanahan, a holistic health coach who formerly struggled with her relationship with herself and her body, and finding purpose and meaning in her life.

    Her contribution for the book urges us to change our perception of rejection so we can learn, grow, and even benefit from it.

    A little more about Erin…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    I have been on a path of releasing shame, low self-esteem, and low self-worth for the majority of my life. I became aware of these limitations and how they ruined my ability to be myself and speak my truth at a pretty young age.

    Ever since, I have been reaching past my comfort zones, expanding the ways in which I share my message and myself, with friends, family, clients, and students. I have been on an endless adventure, exploring my inner universe so I can best experience my outer universe.

    Self-love has been the cure to all my problems. The lack of it pushed me into drug and alcohol abuse, food obsession, unhealthy and toxic relationships, and all sorts of attempts to escape my current feelings and circumstances.

    Today I am a work in progress, but I am aware that as long as I do not abandon myself and as long as I love myself unconditionally, I will be okay and able to survive anything.

    In fact, I know that I will not only survive if I use self-love as my cure, but I will thrive.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    There was a time in my life when I would not have been able to give you list of things that were “right” or “good” about me. I lived in the land of self-judgment and conditional love. All I could see was what was wrong with me, and it was pretty much everything.

    I felt so much shame about certain things that happened to me along the way. I was afraid to let myself get too close to others, out of fear that they would leave me if they actually knew everything about me, saw me up close, and knew just how insane I truly am!

    Then, through working with others, working under mentors and coaches of my own, I realized that nothing happens to me, but rather life happens for me. At first, this was hard to swallow. It was a paradigm shift, and yet, it gave me an opportunity to reclaim my power.

    As I began to shift the way I saw the things that happened in my world, I began to experience life in a completely different way. This doesn’t mean life got easier all of the time, but it did get easier for some of the time, and it certainly got more interesting all of the time.

    I continue to ask myself: “If this is happening for me, then how can I take my power back?” This sends me on a treasure hunt, and as a result, I create the opportunity to uncover and discover the hidden treasures of my soul.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    Absolutely. I used to hate being vulnerable, showing people my insecurities, and letting them in on the secret that I was human. Turns out, my students, clients, friends, family, and partner all connect with me and relate to me on a much deeper level when I share this truth with them. It has become my greatest strength.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    My biggest mistake is how many people I hurt by hating myself so much, which was actually all ego.

    My ego-driven fears, such as the lack of belief in myself and shame around who I was, made it impossible for me to show up for life and for those who benefited from my services and presence.

    My shame sent me to a rock bottom, where I blamed everything for my pain. Not taking responsibility for my part in things burned many bridges between me and others.

    I have been able to forgive myself because I see now that I was doing the best I could all those years ago.

    I can feel good about myself for getting the help I needed to heal and to ultimately be living the life I live today, helping others do the same, showing up to life, and showing up for others and myself, no matter what kind of day I am having. Every day I correct my past by taking estimable actions in the now.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    I feel the hurt initially, and then I realize that it does not serve anyone to go into self-pity. It is important that I look at my part. Knowing that how they feel is “their stuff,” not mine, I still must look within myself for the place that is triggered by their stuff.

    Their stuff triggers mine. It may be my own lack of self-love, my low self-worth, my self-doubt, my ego and fear. Once I am aware of what they are helping me see and get for myself, I am able to take my power back from the situation and release my attachment to how they see and feel about me.

    Therefore, when people don’t like me I experience a loss of power initially, until I realize the opportunity and go within myself to reclaim my power.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    I have done this a lot in my life. I have compared my body to others, my skin, my hair, my finances, my car, my clothes, my success, my career, my partner, you name it! I have compared everything at some point.

    I still catch myself doing this sometimes. What helps me let go of these comparisons is the pain I feel when I do it. It causes so much suffering, and that’s because it does not come from love; it comes from fear.

    As soon as I feel the suffering, I am aware that I am seeing life from the eyes of fear, and as soon as I know this, I can shift from fear to love. I just keep my awareness of this until I begin to feel the relief that comes when I remember the truth—that I cannot compare myself to anyone, for we have totally different paths and purposes in our lives, and therefore they will look and unfold differently.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    It doesn’t work. Feeling complete is an inside job. Others will always mirror how complete you already feel inside yourself. Focus on wholeness within yourself, and as a result, those around you will remind you of your wholeness.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    Yes. I thought they would lose respect for me and no longer be able to value my presence in their lives. I thought it would give them good reason not to love me.

    What’s helped me move beyond this is courage and vulnerability, which is the choice to share what’s in my heart, regardless of the outcome. As a result, I have learned that people truly love me, scars and all—and if they don’t, it’s their stuff, not mine, that makes them feel that way.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Speak my truth
    • Eat well
    • Exercise

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    I keep working on myself so that I can give even more of my gifts. Every day I go out into the world and I share what’s in my heart, regardless of the outcome. As a friend, a partner, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a coach, a client, and a writer, this allows me to release my attachment to what others get or do not get from my service or my presence in the world.

    When I release my expectations, everyone, including me, gets exactly what we are meant to get, which is exactly what we need.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • 4 Ways to Fulfill Your Needs While Helping Others

    4 Ways to Fulfill Your Needs While Helping Others

    Meditating

    “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ~Dalai Lama

    “Take care of the self.” This was the last line of an email I received from a professor many years ago. It was in response to my message explaining that I would not attend class that week because my brother-in-law had been killed by a drunk driver.

    I had expected a standard offer of sympathy and a summary of the assignments I would be missing. Indeed, my professor offered condolences for my loss, but then he told me not to worry about reading, assignments, or even showing up to class until I felt up to it. “Take care of the self,” he said.

    This is the first situation in which I remember feeling that I had permission to allow myself what I needed. After all, fulfilling our own needs before the needs of others is often perceived as selfish. We feel compelled to make commitments, promises, and sacrifices for others, but rarely for ourselves.

    It was not until several years after my professor’s email that I realized I did not have to choose between fulfilling my own needs and the needs of others. On the contrary, the more I focused on my own needs, the more support I was able to offer others.

    Sometimes acknowledging what we need—physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually—is more difficult that actually acquiring what we need. More often than not we simply need to grant ourselves permission.

    These are four methods I use to address and fulfill my own needs on a daily basis.

    1. Admit when you need a break.

    So often we push ourselves far beyond our mental and physical limits. This is often for a worthy cause, an important goal, or a valued relationship. Unfortunately, when we sacrifice our needs to keep working or giving and “push through,” we frequently sacrifice the quality of what we are doing as well.

    If I have a week full of deadlines or commitments, I will often award myself a timeout. That might mean taking an evening off and just watching TV, curling up with a book, taking a leisurely walk with the dog, or maybe even taking a much-needed nap.

    Taking a break can renew your energy and allows you to tackle projects with improved productivity and new perspectives.

    2. Commit to yourself.

    Smartphones and other technologies have made it even easier to over-commit our time and resources. Without even trying, I used to fill my week with coffee dates, book clubs, volunteering, and other appointments. With my life planned out by the hour, time with my family and to myself became things I had to “fit in.”

    Recently, I made a commitment to reduce social outings and plan “me time” into my schedule. Now I am shocked at all the things I have time to do that I was missing before! Make two or three commitments to yourself throughout the week that help fulfill your own needs; take a yoga class, make time to read for fun, or cook a special, healthy meal.

    Don’t just pencil in me time, write it in permanent marker! Be sure to honor commitments to yourself the same way you would keep plans with a friend. When we respect our own time and our own needs, it allows us the capacity to do the same for others.

    3. Reevaluate your external commitments.

    Make sure you are committed to something or someone because of genuine compassion or interest rather than a sense of obligation.

    After reevaluating all your commitments to causes, events, or relationships, you might find that some of them do not align with your values. Continuing to give your time and energy when your heart isn’t truly engaged does you and the person or cause you are involved with a disservice.

    My instinct whenever someone invites me to an event or asks for my participation is to say “yes” before evaluating how that request fits with my own values and needs. Now I try to take a moment, maybe even a few days, to consider whether I have the physical and mental capacity to truly commit to something.

    Spending my time with people whose company I value, or doing work that I believe makes a difference allows me to fulfill my own needs while also connecting with and helping others.

    4. Communicate your needs to others.

    If a friend told you she couldn’t participate in your fundraiser because she was overwhelmed with other commitments, would you make her feel bad? Chances are you would tell her, “No worries! I understand.” Allow yourself the same courtesy and understanding.

    Address your needs with others respectfully, but directly. If someone asks you to commit to something that conflicts with your needs, explain honestly why you can’t: “I’ve been tired all week so tonight I need to stay home and go to bed early,” or “I spent a lot last week so I need to save money; could we have coffee instead of dinner?”

    —

    I often hear people say “I just don’t have the time…” to exercise, take a day off from work, or explore something they’re genuinely interested in. The truth is, without making a commitment to acknowledge and acquire what you need, you will never have the time.

    When you feel too overwhelmed to make time for yourself, remember that the help you can offer others will be limited if you neglect to fulfill your own needs as well.

    Photo by skyseeker

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Charlie Tranchemontagne

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Charlie Tranchemontagne

    charlie-tranchemontagne

    This is second week of a month-long promotion for Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Over the next month, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is education technician Charlie Tranchemontagne.

    His contribution for the book focuses on taking off our masks so we can be more authentic in our relationships.

    A little more about Charlie…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    My self-love journey didn’t really start until age 25; it was then I chose to start loving myself by throwing myself out of an airplane (in flight, of course)! Skydiving was my way of letting go and trusting that if I jumped, a new way of living would open up to me.

    This experience was the first time ever that I felt truly at peace with myself. A deep inner pain from past misdeeds drove me to this threshold. I had tried for years to bury my emotional discomfort by wearing many masks; weightlifter, successful businessman, and being Mr. Perfect, but was unable to keep my “true self” from surfacing.

    After skydiving, I experienced a new feeling of self-love that set me on a path of personal self-discovery. Prior to my awakening, I had been caught in a world of self-deception that I was unable to break free from. It was by truly letting go that I was set free, and a whole new world of possibilities opened up to me.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    Yes, I have felt at times that maybe I am broken beyond repair. Early in my journeying, I beat myself up about mistakes I made in my past: juvenile delinquent behaviors, alcohol, and drug use.

    These types of early behaviors caused me to feel like I was a fraud as I entered into adulthood. I didn’t think I deserved to be given a second go at life. Practicing self-forgiveness helps me a lot; it is something I have to do constantly.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    Being a skinny kid growing up, I thought my body was flawed. As a youth, I got lots of attention for being “cute,” even nominated “best looking” in high school, but I never felt comfortable in my skin.

    It took me years of lifting weights and trying to be someone I wasn’t to realize that there was nothing wrong with my body.

    I realized through weightlifting that it wasn’t my outer appearance that gave me true confidence; because even after I transformed myself from a skinny kid to a weightlifter, I still lacked inner confidence.

    It was only when I started doing work on the “inside” that my self-esteem and confidence grew.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    Not asking for help as a child, when at age 9, I started traveling down a destructive path of juvenile delinquency. I was raised in a good home, with good parents, but I was misled by outside influences that pulled me away from the people that truly loved me.

    I was too scared to ask for help—not enough self-esteem, self-confidence, or simply courage to overcome such big obstacles for a child.

    Unfortunately, I stayed caught in this web of lies into my early adulthood. What helped me to forgive myself was my choice to face my past and want to move beyond it. Regardless of the work that I have put into forgiving myself, my path to self-discovery is ongoing. I still consider myself a work in progress!

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …don’t take it personally. I remind myself that if I am staying true to who I am, then I cannot control what others might think about me. I guess I have to be somewhat selfish, but in a healthy way.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    Body image; I’ve learned to focus on myself and love what I got. Success, the American Dream; I’ve decided to stop buying into it and simplify my life.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    It’s not true. Jerry Maguire’s famous line, “You complete me,” is Hollywood at it’s best! I would tell my younger self that before you can love another you must be able to love yourself and that love goes beyond looks and emotions.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    Absolutely! After more than twenty years traveling the road of self-discovery, I wrote a post for Tiny Buddha about removing masks (which is featured in this book). For me, writing this post was my way of stepping outside of my comfort zone and sharing myself with others in a way that quite honestly scared

    I have been wanting to reach out to others for sometime, and thought that by sharing my writing, I may be able to help one person move further along their road to self-discovery.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Quiet time in the morning
    • Exercise and activity
    • Simplifying my life (holding on loosely) and carrying a light load

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    Connect with people of all ages. I work with children in an elementary school. My role is to support students who are struggling at school by mentoring them and helping them to stay connected to the school, despite the hardships they may be facing.

    Working with youth in a positive way is very meaningful for me because this is the age when I went astray. My hope would be that I could help kids to avoid the pitfalls that I fell into as a youth.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • The Secret to Happiness: 5 Tips to Feel More Grateful and Blissful

    The Secret to Happiness: 5 Tips to Feel More Grateful and Blissful

    “The secret of happiness is to count your blessings while others are adding up their troubles.” ~William Penn 

    Did you know that gratitude has been scientifically proven to strengthen your immune system and make you happier and more optimistic, as well as less lonely and isolated? It’s true, and although science has just recently caught up to this fact, the Buddhists have known it for years.

    On a recent trip to Bhutan, my husband and I climbed to the Bumdra monastery and camped at 11,500 feet. The air was pure and clean, and the views were spectacular. And yet when the sun went down, all I could focus on were my frozen hands and feet.

    As we huddled around the fire, I just wanted to climb into my sleeping bag and warm myself. The temperatures had dropped just below freezing, and any joy I might have felt was overshadowed by my chattering teeth.

    Our guide, on the other hand, seemed impervious to the cold. He was wearing a Gho, a traditional knee-length robe that ties at the waist—and yet here I was, bundled in my down coat, freezing.

    I asked him if he was cold, and he replied that he was grateful to be able to camp at this sacred site.

    I kept questioning him, as I couldn’t really believe his answer. I truly couldn’t understand how he could ignore this bone-chilling cold. Didn’t he want a warmer jacket; didn’t he need a heater?

    His reply humbled me: “Rather than focusing on what I don’t have, I focus on what I do—I am lucky to have a fire, I am lucky to have this job, I am lucky to have a tent, and I am lucky to have your company.”

    I realized that he had just shared a very important secret to happiness. Focusing on our blessings allow us to celebrate the present moment and keep our attention on the good instead of the bad.

    Human nature is to want what we don’t have and to dwell on the negatives—instead of celebrating what we do have and focusing on what’s going well.

    My husband and I had planned this trip for months and had spent hours hiking up the mountain. And yet during the hike I had complained about being hot, and now here I was complaining about the cold. But as I listened to our guide share his contagious sense of gratitude, my attitude shifted, and I started to focus on my blessings.

    I began to enjoy the incredible darkness and stillness of the night sky. I began to really focus on the stars, which cannot really be enjoyed living in a city that obscures the light. I began to really listen to this wise man and enjoy his stories.

    Here’s the thing: being grateful has the power to block out negative emotions. You can’t really pay attention to what’s missing or what’s not going well if you only let your mind pay attention to what is.

    As I began to enjoy the peacefulness of the night with my husband, my attitude changed, the cold faded, and I was suddenly filled with joy and gratitude for this incredible experience.

    Weather changes, possessions come and go, and experiences—both good and bad–all come to an end. But our attitude of gratitude allows us to be fully present in every moment and to enjoy every last one.

    Here are a few simple things to try to start feeling a little more blissful on a regular basis:

    1. Keep a gratitude journal.

    Make gratitude a daily habit. Every day, jot down ten great things that happened to you or that you are grateful for. Keeping your focus on the positive will really make a difference.

    2. Practice present moment awareness.

    The habit of being fully present and not wishing for something in the future or the past—but just being grateful for what is—can really shift your perspective. Catch yourself when that moment escapes you, and gently remind yourself to come back.

    3. Think bigger than yourself.

    Become involved in a cause that is important to you. As you become aware of other people who are less fortunate than you, you will start to feel a deeper appreciation for what you do have.

    4. Share the love with your family and friends.

    Cultivate appreciation for others and let them know regularly that you are grateful for them and for what they do for you—whether it be helping around the house or always inviting you out for a fun dinner date. Focusing on the positive will make people want to keep doing it!

    5. Replace complaints with gratitude.

    When you find yourself focusing on what you believe you’re lacking—I wish my car were nicer, my house were bigger, I had more money—replace it with thoughts of what you are thankful for.

    What are you grateful for today?

  • What Would Happen If You Did? (And Other Questions That Can Change Your Life)

    What Would Happen If You Did? (And Other Questions That Can Change Your Life)

    “If it’s still in your mind, it is worth taking the risk.” ~ Paulo Coelho

    I felt stuck. Why could I never achieve anything? Why could I never do anything tangible?

    Everyone else seemed to have no problem. You see, my friends could both work hard and grow themselves at the same time.

    Not me.

    I felt stuck.

    Every day when I came home after work I was just exhausted. I had no energy whatsoever to study my Chinese Mandarin (a long-term project of mine) or to go for a jog in the nearby forest. All my energy had been put into a job I didn’t even enjoy that much.

    I just knew I could get more out of life. What I really wanted was to spend time on my own projects—to do what I love the most. Well, to me, the only way I could shift my reality was to basically to change priorities—to put life before work.

    But how? How does one do that?

    In practice, the only tangible solution I could see was to wake up early in the morning. Really, really early. That way I would be able to pour all my fresh energy into what is most important to me.

    But I can’t do that. It’s crazy, right? That would change my entire way of living. It simply doesn’t fit the rest of the world.

    So I decided it was crazy and went on with my life. Until one day when speaking to a colleague. We came upon the topic and after a while he asked me…

    “What would happen if you did?”

    I was silent.

    “Yeah, what would really happen if I did?” I thought.

    And he continued on the same path and said: “What wouldn’t happen if you did?”

    I was silent again. I was thinking.

    I could actually only see positive things happening from making this change in my life. Previously, I hadn’t even had the courage to really get out of the box of the problem and see what choices I had.

    This question expanded my view of the world and literally changed my life. I was not so stuck anymore. And I realized that I had been so focused on the problem that I had been unable to see anything else.

    I guess you can relate to those few moments in life when we finally are able to see something for what it really is. It doesn’t have to happen through a big life-changing question. Sometimes a simple question is enough.

    So with focus on solving my problem I gave it a try, waking up early in the morning. And you see, when I do something, I like to do it big. So I set my goal to rise at 4:00 every morning.

    That would give more than three hours of doing whatever I want with a fresh mind and relaxed body. Hopefully.

    Now, I don’t want you to think that it’s that easy to basically “change time zone” and become an early riser, but with the right mindset anyone is able to.

    For me, it was the question that made it all possible. The question that changed my life.

    I think the main reason this question helped me was because I was brutally honest with myself. There are so many things that actually would (or at least could) happen if I did. At the same time, I realized that none of this would happen unless I went for it.

    For example, I would be able to…

    • Finally start that website of my own.
    • Keep a daily exercise routine without anything getting in my way.
    • Prepare romantic breakfasts for my fiancée, at least once in a while 😉
    • De-stress my entire life by having a few things “under my belt” when work starts already
    • Take a big leap forward in my Chinese studies

    And most important of all, I would be able to…

    • Set the direction of my own life, instead of being just lead down the road life takes me.

    And before I tell you if all this really happened, let’s dig into that questions a little bit more.

    The Question Explained

    I have discovered that this question I mentioned above can actually be part of a bigger pattern. You see, there are four alternatives to this question:

    • What would happen if you did?
    • What would happen if you didn’t?
    • What wouldn’t happen if you did?
    • What wouldn’t happen if you didn’t?

    I like to imagine these questions laid out like four quadrants in a matrix. Usually, we are all stuck in the quadrant “What would happen if you didn’t?”—focusing on the problem at hand.

    What all the other three questions help us to do is to move ourselves away from there and into the other quadrants. You might be able to find that these new quadrants lead to new perspectives and new insights.

    Isn’t that powerful?

    I mean, if you can think of a problem or troublesome situation you have in your life, then you will be able to come out much stronger on the other side after running it through these questions. You can, can you not?

    I have at least realized that by asking myself open and strong questions I can open up my life to more and more possibilities. Asking the questions is just the beginning, but often times getting momentum is the biggest challenge we face.

    So I urge everyone to ask yourself this question as soon as you find yourself stuck. It helped me in one situation and continues to expand my view of the world every day.

    So Does It Really Work?

    It’s not a magic question. But for the purpose of giving me new alternatives of how to live my life, it sure worked well. You see, those things I mentioned before that would happen if I did, that was just the top of the ice berg.

    In fact, I wrote down three full pages, hand written, about how my life could change. And that has been my main source of motivation ever since.

    I can understand if you feel that becoming an early riser is not a really serious life change and that I didn’t have a really tough problem to begin with. If that’s the case, then I encourage you to use this question on ever bigger problems.

    Use it to make real life changes.

    At least I put my life before work nowadays and I feel that I achieve something for me, every single day. That was what the question helped me to do.

    I am now an early riser, speak pretty darn well Chinese, have set up several websites, and am able to take those morning runs almost every day.

    You see, this question literally changed my life.

  • Anyone Can Change If They Take It One Step at a Time

    Anyone Can Change If They Take It One Step at a Time

    First Step

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    I used to be an insecure girl obsessed with her weight, stepping on the scales about twenty times a day.

    I used to be a bulimic teenager struggling with depression and a way too controlling father, whom I never told, “I love you, Dad.”

    I used to be a lonely woman who always fell for the wrong men because she had not yet learned that she deserved better.

    I used to be co-dependent, fighting for everyone but myself.

    I used to be a bacteriophobe—I was so afraid of germs and dirt that I refused to stay in hotels because I could not stand the thought of having to lie in a bed that hundreds of other people had already slept in.

    This is the way I used to be. And I thought I would be like that for as long as I live.

    But when I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life and marry a guy who wanted to turn me into a Stepford Wife, I discovered what I was not: I was not afraid to change!

    This is how my journey began, and it continued one step at a time.

    I left my fiancé, although everybody thought I had gone crazy. But how could I have stayed with someone who only loved the idea of the girl he thought I could be?

    Fighting the silence of my new place, I forced myself to join a yoga group. And through yoga, I learned something else about myself: I am strong.

    Meditation taught me that silence does not equal loneliness. Silence equals inner peace. And inner peace equals strength.

    I was ready to take the next step and, slowly but surely, I broke old behavior patterns.

    I learned that if you want your future to be brighter than your past, you must start acting differently. Today.

    Relationships suffered, but I decided to no longer surround myself with people who I knew would nourish my codependency.

    I also learned another very important lesson: I need to put myself first when it comes to love.

    Because only when you love yourself someone else can truly love you, too.

    This is how I found my soul mate. And although we both are not perfect, we could not be more perfect for each other.

    I moved to another country and finally understood that I was “uncontrollable,” no matter how hard people tried to tell me what to do.

    Space taught me about freedom: the freedom to listen to my feelings, and the freedom to trust myself.

    Once I understood that I could trust myself, I realized I could accept myself, too.

    At this point, I was finally able to let go of my neuroses and cope with the emotions that had been feeding my eating disorder.

    All my life I had been troubled by yesterday’s “what ifs” and worried about tomorrow’s “maybes.”

    But when you are no longer haunted by your past nor concerned about your future, you are ready to see what’s beautiful today.

    And beauty is all around you!

    Now a holistic nutritionist and mindfulness coach, I know I have come a long way.

    I teach my children to love themselves as much as I love them, and every day they tell me they love me, too.

    I’ve also healed my relationship with my father. He is the one person I turn to whenever I get stuck in life and need someone to help me get back on track again.

    He died on September 29, 2008. He was in a coma when I came to see him and I did not have a chance to say goodbye. I wasn’t there when he died; I only heard him take his last breath through the phone. But, Dad, wherever you are out there: I love you! I really do.

    I am by no means flawless, but through my journey I have realized that anyone can change if they take it one step at a time.

    You just have to try and put yourself out there, even though it means you need to leave your comfort zone.

    Because we all deserve to be happy! And it is never—never—too late to take a U-turn and rewrite the plot of your own life.

    Photo by Luz Adriana Villa

  • The One Thing You Need to Know to Overcome Perfectionism

    The One Thing You Need to Know to Overcome Perfectionism

     “You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brene Brown

    There’s nothing perfect about me, and I’m okay with that… now. This wasn’t the case for most of my life, though. In fact, I’ve been a perfectionist for almost thirty years. I’m not counting the first five years of my life when I was free to be as messy and magical as I wanted.

    In third grade I asked my mom to buy me a stack of lined notebooks and colored pens. I spent hours neatly labeling each notebook by class, date, and assignment deadlines. If I made one mistake, like a jagged cursive letter or a misspelling, I’d rip out the page and begin again on a fresh sheet.

    This was tiring but it was also a compulsion. Everything had to be neat and ordered or else—or else I’d be out of control, scared, and overwhelmed.

    Before the divorce, my parents rarely fought, but my father’s frequent absences and his coolness toward my sister and me sparked a firestorm in me.

    Expressing anger wasn’t a thing in our family, especially for women. That simply wasn’t Christian enough or loving enough or good enough.

    So I denied my anger and my sadness and, most of all, my fear that my family was breaking apart and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

    Inside I burned like coals after a long night’s fire. I never let it get too hot. I played the good child, the loving daughter and sister, but my life was out of control. Thus began my long dance with perfectionism.

    In my twenties I tried to be a perfect girlfriend, perfect student, and perfect employee, all the while denying the expression of my full self, imperfections and all. Even when I dressed the part of the disaffected adolescent, I was perfect at it all the way down to my spiked hair and scuffed Doc Martins.

    At parties, I perfected the art of banter and hosted like no one else. All was accounted for, each detail a way for me to control life.

    I never realized that perfectionism was an attempt to avoid all rejection, all criticism, and all failure. It was a matter of life or death.

    Perfectionism saved me from drowning, but it didn’t help me to swim. I was treading water, staying safe, and desperately trying to control my reality, which is never truly possible. What I realized later was at the heart of perfectionism is the desire for love and acceptance.

    Life is a practice and when we practice we make mistakes. The desire for love and acceptance are universal. There is no shame in mistakes, just an opportunity to learn and to grow.

    No matter the root causes of your perfectionism or your desire for it, know that it is a desire for love and acceptance and there is another path to get there. Maybe your family only showed you love and attention when you did everything right. Or your boss only notices your work when you slave over every detail.

    Maybe you feel the need to challenge yourself to be bigger and do better in your work and your relationships. This is not a bad thing. But there’s a difference between excellence and perfection.

    The One Thing You Need to Know to Overcome Perfectionism

    Surrender.

    When we surrender to the moment, to change, to messiness or imperfection, we allow the seeds of excellence to grow. Excellence is that drive toward raising ourselves up to our own highest good thereby allowing our unique gifts, talents, and personalities to benefit the highest good of all.

    Excellence, unlike perfectionism, is about lovingly pushing ourselves to act, think, relate, and create from the highest part of ourselves.

    Perfectionism is about trying to control the outcome in order to receive love and acceptance. It’s all about fear. Surrender is about accepting where we are at in any moment, knowing that we are a work in progress.

    Love and surrender gently tug us toward our own centers and ultimately to the center of the universe, which only knows love. Surrender also invites self-forgiveness, an act all perfectionists need to practice daily.

    3 Tips to Manage Perfectionism

    1. Laugh.

    About anything. Do it often. Having a sense of humor about ourselves and our actions, especially embarrassing or disappointing experiences, doesn’t have to be a shield or form of protection. Humor can heal or at least create enough dopamine and endorphins to get us through the tough moments.

    2. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Most of all, yourself.

    Forgiveness is actually a selfish act. This is not a bad thing. Forgiveness releases us from fear-based thoughts and emotions. It is the gateway to surrendering our perception of control over our lives and over the actions of others.

    3. Surround yourself by free spirits.

    If you can’t find anyone like that in your circle of friends, then read about them or watch movies about dreamers and risk-takers—people who’ve failed or made huge mistakes only to overcome them and create an even better life than they could have imagined.

    This is why mythology was used to help people transition from one phase of life to another in many cultures. There is power in story and identifying with a character who has gone through many trials and adventures only to re-emerge as the hero.

    After thirty years of perfecting perfectionism, I’ve finally learned to let go of controlling every detail of my life. It’s scary sometimes, and there are days when I want to organize and reorganize my desk instead of facing what’s really bothering me.

    But those difficult, uncomfortable, and challenging moments pass much quicker when I simply exhale and surrender to whatever is in my heart and in my mind. A softening occurs, and my body finally relaxes instead of being constantly braced for struggle.

    I may still compare myself to that social media dynamo who effortlessly attracts a huge following on Facebook or avoid looking at myself as I pass a store window for fear of being disappointed by my reflection, but now I just smile and keep going, knowing that this too shall pass.

  • Change Your Life by Turning Shame into Courage

    Change Your Life by Turning Shame into Courage

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

    Shame. A word that conjures up all kinds of emotions while equally keeping you silent.

    Some have even said that shame should be classified as a deadly disease because of how it deeply affects the soul.

    Then, there are researchers like Brené Brown who study it.

    It wasn’t until I started working with my first speaking coach that I realized it was actually shame that had kept me “hiding out” and playing small earlier in life.  

    Which is typical of women who have experienced shame. Isolation becomes your friend.

    I had met my coach at a networking event for women in business. She was warm and caring. I shared that it was overcoming the loss of my son to suicide that actually brought me to coaching.

    I told her of my goals of sharing my message through public speaking and advocacy to bring awareness, not only to suicide prevention, but also issues affecting women.

    Except, like most people, I had always had a fear of public speaking. Even to get up and say my name used to make my palms sweaty.

    So why did the thought of standing up in front of the room and speaking bring on major heart palpitations? After all, I love meeting new people, chatting it up, hearing their stories and learning about their lives. There had to be more to the story!

    During our first session, I told her that I thought most of my fears were from a childhood trauma I had experienced. After hearing my story, she said, “You have an element of shame that surrounds your life. You have a fear of judgment.”

    I was worried what people would think of me that didn’t even know me, or anything about me.

    It finally made sense to me.

    It all stemmed from being sexually abused as a young kid. The humiliation, embarrassment, and fear of anyone finding out was still affecting my life.

    Only now, I knew how important it was to share my story, because it could change a life or save a life.

    My life mission was now bigger than my fear.

    On my journey to healing, I read many books. Books on losing a loved one, books on overcoming trauma, books on healing your life, and books on getting healthy.

    I watched Oprah and listened to her inspiring guests.

    One day, something clicked.

    Everything that I had either read or listened to that inspired me to take action and move out of my darkness involved one thing: stories!

    It was not the technical stuff or the how-to overcome (fill in the blank). It was the stories being shared that I could relate to that helped me change my life.

    It was the people who were not afraid to share. They did not let any shame, stigma, or fear stop them because they knew their story might help someone.

    When you go through a trauma or loss, you can easily feel isolated, like you are the only one. But when you are courageous enough to share your story, you soon find out that you are not alone.

    There are people out there in dire need of someone to talk to, that they can relate to, that will understand them.

    Sharing your story empowers others who are feeling isolated to begin their own journey of healing and move forward, to create their own movement, big or small.

    It’s like a snowball effect. You inspire one person, who inspires another person, who inspires another.

    When you are finally courageous enough to share your story, it is a process. Shame will no longer leave you feeling small and powerless.

    You will feel the need to get out there, share your story, and make a difference in the world.

    Now, when I feel fear creeping in, I remind myself that it is not about me; it is about the person who is going to hear my story, feel inspired to change their own life, and create their own movement of change, one small step at a time.

    Photo by Jonatas Cunha

  • The Secret to Staying Motivated (and Motivating Other People)

    The Secret to Staying Motivated (and Motivating Other People)

    Samovar

    “Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” ~Unknown

    As the founder and owner of Samovar Tea Lounge in San Francisco, I’ve gone through my share of ups and downs over the past twelve years.

    One of the hardest challenges I face every day is how to create motivation. How to motivate myself to keep going, even when things get hard. How to motivate staff to serve and lead with enthusiasm. How to motivate vendors to work with me. And the list goes on.

    No matter who you are, everyone is trying to motivate someone. Parents try to motivate their children to practice piano. Bosses try to motivate their employees to work faster. People try to motivate themselves to lose weight.

    Unfortunately, motivation sucks. It’s an external force that requires either a threat or a reward. But once that carrot or stick is removed, everything falls apart. Or it may work for a while, but soon you’ll need an even bigger carrot or stick to keep it going. It’s a downward spiral, like a car spinning its wheels in the mud, only to become even more stuck.

    On the other hand, some people and social movements have such momentum that they seem to soar effortlessly. What’s the difference?

    For us at Samovar, the secret is not an external force, but an internal superpower: inspiration.

    How to Create Inspiration

    1. Find a mission.

    Inspiration is the fire that wells within. When you’re inspired, you’re filled with life. You don’t need an alarm clock to wake up; you wake up before the alarm ready to dive into a new day. When you’re inspired, you don’t need to be told what to do at work; you’re already thinking of ways to make your work even better.

    How do you create inspiration within yourself or your company? It comes from doing something that matters, and knowing that you’re a part of something bigger than yourself.

    At Samovar, our mission is to create positive human connection. It’s not about selling tea; it’s about creating a movement. Find a mission that resonates deep in your heart, and you’ll find a deep well of enthusiasm and energy.

    2. Share the mission, not the action.

    It’s much easier to share a mission than make a demand. When I let go of the need to “manage” staff, and instead empower them to fulfill this vision, then the magic happens.

    Instead dealing with of a bunch of robots that need to be monitored closely to make sure they meet the minimum work requirements, I’m surrounded by passionate ambassadors of the company vision.

    Sharing a mission is also more effective than demands. My staff face a million different scenarios every day, most of which I can’t anticipate.

    It’s impossible to make a protocol for every single issue that pops up. But if my team truly believes in our mission, they can solve problems creatively, using our core vision and principles.

    3. Fuel your inspiration.

    Inspiration is contagious. When you hang out with inspiring people, you become inspired. And unlike motivation, which requires increasingly bigger rewards, inspiration is a self-propelling force that grows bigger and bigger.

    I also fuel my inspiration by reading books by inspiring people. Here are a few notable authors with insights on inspiration:

    4. Breathe.

    Sure, I still have tough days when I feel discouraged. But at those times I simply pause. I brew a pot of tea and take a few breaths (the word “inspire” comes from the Latin word meaning “to breathe”).

    Breathing gives me space to reflect and remember. Every satisfied customer who leaves with a smile on their face, every staff person who shares their excitement about the connections they created, and every meeting I have with inspiring people buoys me up.

    Find a mission and share it. Breathe it in, and breathe it out until it infuses every cell of your body. Soon you’ll be filled with life, passion, and joy that no carrot-or-stick motivation could compete with.

  • Discover Your True Joy: 5 Ways To Find What You’re Really Chasing

    Discover Your True Joy: 5 Ways To Find What You’re Really Chasing

    Running

    “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

    When my last relationship ended, I found myself suddenly questioning what my goals honestly meant to me. I had focused my past five years steadily chasing a very specific dream with this woman (creating joy, art, and a community in NYC, adopting some dogs, and eventually moving back to California to start a family together).

    At least that’s what we thought we were chasing.

    When we realized that our lives together had become static, that we lacked engaging dynamics, and that we only rarely brought out true joy in each other, our roads abruptly veered and I found myself sans lover, best friend, and collaborator. I also was given a huge opportunity to view my life with fresh eyes.

    I saw that by limiting our vision and chasing only our one shared dream, we were effectively shutting ourselves off from exactly those varied personal experiences that it would take to build our joy, inspire our art, and create that dynamic life we both desired.

    We allowed ourselves to be held back from a meaningful life by chasing the goals we thought it would take to get there. We had gotten stuck in chasing the wrong things for a right reason.

    I began examining what I had been busy chasing in all the aspects of my life. Chasing in my career, chasing in my suddenly newly blossomed singles life, and in the personal identity of who I was now that I wasn’t defined by this external relationship.

    I realized that it was time to shake things up and experience the unexpected.

    Here are some steps to discover what you are truly chasing in life. Try to answer in less than twenty seconds, with the first thing that comes to mind. You might be surprised.

    1. What makes you lose track of time?

    I’ve always liked fixing things and working with my hands. Broken pieces fascinate me as my mind wraps around how they tick. I know there’s a reason if I could only find it. It’s a great puzzle, but sometimes the minuets crawl by. By chasing the outcome (to make it work), I stopped being in the present.

    I discovered that I never feel rushed drawing or painting. No matter how long it takes me to choose a color, from the instant I pick up the brush to the second I put, it down feels like one fluid moment.

    2. What makes you happy?

    It might be sunshine, dogs, laughter, passion, collaboration, or music. I chased my career goals in the music industry by working in a studio without windows or sunlight for ten hours a day, and while it was rewarding to help people realize their dreams and create their art, I realized I was chasing the wrong thing.

    What made me happy wasn’t just making music sound better or tweaking knobs; it was helping people discover and release their albums. When I realized that I was made happy by sharing, by making art, then my goals shifted to be more people and connection focused and left me feeling more fulfilled.

    3. If you didn’t have any bills to pay, what would you do?

    You might sit on a private island by the beach, or maybe start a free service for the less fortunate. I personally realized that I have to create.

    The idea of “free-time” scared me silly, and everything I focused on in life stems back to this deep-seated need to be creating something. Even sitting quietly was creating peace. Once I realized what my driving force was, it became much easier to make choices based on what I knew my true desire to be.

    4. When you are old, what will matter the most?

    You might be chasing things, people, rewards, or achievements that seem huge and important now. You’ve given your all to reach this point, so why give up now? Ask yourself how deeply will it touch people in twenty years, thirty years, fifty years. If I get a gold record, it’s a huge achievement, but I don’t want to be remembered for a plaque on a wall.

    I’d like to be remembered as a warm, living, loving, heartfelt person full of optimism and enthusiasm. A gold sales award doesn’t commemorate that.

    5. What are you really after?

    Honestly ask yourself, what are you getting when you reach the end of this chase? I was chasing goals that I thought would help build the future for my love life, or would help advance my career—there was my “reason”—but having a more advanced career didn’t help me to connect deeply with artists. It wasn’t in tune with my true desires.

    Our relationship appeared to be chasing similar goals, but in the end our chase was actually blocking us from reaching our true selves. Ask yourself if you are chasing out of habit or just for the sake of the chase; be sure you are genuinely working towards your true goals.

    —

    I’ve realized that a lot of what we focus on in life isn’t what’s in line with our true desire. Since then, I’ve cut my time commitment to work in half, and I now use that time to create art and build connections with people who also value the creative life I want to live. It has breathed new life into my actions and helped me understand the deeper reasons for my choices.

    Without walking the long and often painful road, we rarely discover the true reasons why we’re chasing our dreams, even if we have those dreams well defined.

    The only constant is that it never goes according to plan. Let your heart be open to the unexpected and stay flexible and free. Like a dog running after a ball when a squirrel suddenly appears, gleefully embrace the opportunity for a fresh chase and leap onto your new road with joy.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • Dealing with Loneliness: Hold onto Patience, Not the Past

    Dealing with Loneliness: Hold onto Patience, Not the Past

    loneliness

    “Patience is not passive; on the contrary, it is active; it is concentrated strength.” ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

    Last night, I discovered the tiniest of creatures in my shower: a minute scorpion, no larger than the average human fingernail.

    I could not for the life of me work out how it had ended up here because I live on the third floor of an apartment building in a busy South African city. Nonetheless, there it was—a little fellow in the corner of the tiles, receiving ricocheted water droplets on his tiny little carapace.

    My main personal learning theme for this year seems to be patience, and, whether initiated by the universe or by my own hand,  I have set out to embrace it in everything I do.

    Starting my first job in January required me to apply patience in many ways: in my interactions with co-workers and clients, in driving in to work every morning in such a bustling city, in waiting for a slot between several adjacent meetings to eat my lunch. Most importantly, it required me to exert patience on myself.

    Patience has never really been a strength of mine, especially with regard to relationships.

    I was a serial monogamist since I was 17, bridging each ending relationship with a romance that I could immediately start. Even small gaps between these adjacent relationships were filled with several casual physical interactions just to ensure that bridge was securely built.

    But somehow, it has been over a year since my last romantic commitment to another human, and I have learned to curb my need for somewhat less committed relationships to a great extent too.

    On the second night since the little being’s arrival, I could not find it anywhere. I bent down to examine every crevice, every dimple, every crack. Nowhere.

    I was concerned it may have ended up under my duvet, but decided to deal with that concept closer to bedtime.

    For now, I could remain blissfully unaware.

    I got into the shower and, after a few moments, the scorpion appeared to me mere centimeters from where it was discovered.

    I picked it up with an ear bud and it reared its tail and claws at me, before promptly turning and marching straight down the hard plastic rod away from me. I decided it would be best to release him outside, where he would hopefully find a decent meal and undergo less stress.

    After a good couple of flicks of the ear bud outside of my window, he let go. I released him to the external world knowing that the large tree ferns below my apartment would cushion his fall.

    I suddenly felt sadness wash over me for a reason I could not instantly grapple. It was such a transient little creature and I had so little to do with its life—nor did it have very much to do with mine. So why did it make me pause to feel and think?

    It became clear that the metaphor had struck my subconscious mind and was allowing me to work through feelings, those that I had previously not fully embraced, in a safer environment.

    The scorpion was akin to many a romantic partner: showing up from seemingly nowhere, planting themselves in the heart of our lives for a moment, and then inevitably vanishing from our existence.

    And sometimes, when a romantic partner gets ripped away, we panic in the void left behind, and make hasty decisions to fill it with something or anything at all.

    When my last relationship ended, I felt so terribly empty, as if part of me had evaporated alongside him as he walked away from me for the last time. He told me that I was not “the one.” I translated this as him saying that I could not be loved by him because I was innately flawed, beyond being lovable.

    So I threw myself into an active social life. I met people while out in bars—people who seemed to see the beauty in me—and established whatever form of connection with them they would allow me to have.

    Again and again, all they allowed me was a material connection based on physical need. I was fooled by them wanting to see me again. All they wanted was a repeat of the night we met. All I needed was to be deemed loveable.

    When they saw this need in me, they ended their connection without contemplation or care, and I didn’t always see it coming. But I was dragging this behaviour out of them. I was the cause and the effect. I was the sole player in the game. They were not to blame.

    Lovers and partners may exit in innumerable ways: they may aggressively march out of your life, they may gently release you, or they may leave you breathless by their abrupt and unjustified departure. They may leave this earth physically altogether. You may do the equivalent to your lovers and partners.

    I wandered into three considerable outcomes, and justifications, of patience.

    • Only patience allows us to fully understand why important people in our lives come and go.
    • Only patience allows us to reap the lessons of a past emotional interaction in its entirety.
    • Only patience from the point of solitude onwards will allow us to wander into a truly constructive circumstance with another human being.

    To liberate others is to liberate oneself. And vice versa.

    I then recognized that I had been holding on to some things (or someones) for a long time. People that I consciously remembered had left my world, but part of whom were still with me.

    I held onto their messages, gifts to me, and belongings they had left at my apartment. I held onto the things they said to me out of sheer gratitude and love for me, and replayed these over and over in my head, out loud. I held onto the smiles that I had caused. I held onto the idea that they would come back.

    These were not the full, whole, and meaningful parts. These were exoskeletons—something left behind that the person no longer needed when they moved on, but that I held tightly in my grasp to reassure myself that I was not alone.

    And in no way will these parts ever be that person. In no way will these elements ever represent the entirety of a being. In fact, they are warped memories that are left by your mind to comfort you and nourish your wounds, but are anything but true.

    My last romantic relationship’s end had been the most peaceful departing that I had ever experienced. He had gently released me. But for a while, I was lost—with the shell of him, and (seemingly) as a shell of myself.

    The fear of not being complete when solitary can be devastating. You are more inclined to stick with people who abuse and degrade you. You are more likely to pass up opportunities that may lead you to fulfilment in your career and personal life if they don’t allow you to stay with the person you’re bound to.

    Your confidence and lust for life diminishes when you are alone, and you may make harmful and self-destructive decisions.

    The time I have spent “alone” has been remarkable. I have embraced my deepest fear: loneliness. I have been afforded the opportunity to see my courage, and my scorpion-like perseverance.

    Now that I hold onto patience and not the past, I am more free. My confidence has been amplified, my sleep and concentration have improved, my moods have stabilized, pursuing my passions has a daily place in my life, I show more love to the people that matter, and I am a more easy-going person. In an interesting way, this all sets me up to meet the right people as a side effect.

     I encourage you to hold onto patience, and not the past, too.

    One of the easiest ways to instantly gain patience is to carry out a kind of on-the-spot meditation. When you are feeling overwhelmed or flustered by guilt, sadness, or regret from your past, stop your thoughts altogether and focus on the tension in your muscles, especially your face, neck and shoulders.

    Blink slowly, and let this tension go with a deep breath. You are not your worst mistakes. You are not the person from yesterday, or last month, or the previous year. You are present in this moment as a full human being. You have the ability and freedom to make new choices.

    Photo by Raj

  • Stop Being Hard on Yourself: 5 Tips for Learning Life Lessons

    Stop Being Hard on Yourself: 5 Tips for Learning Life Lessons

    women sunset landscapes

    “When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

    I learned a big lesson this week. It’s been a lingering challenge that has popped up in many ways recently. Mostly it’s presented itself in other people, or rather, in the qualities of other people.

    Over the last few months, I’ve been introduced to quite a few new acquaintances, and I’ve continuously come up against traits that I considered ugly, like arrogance, materialism, insecurity, and ignorance.

    It really riled me up to the point that I felt a physical change in myself.

    I interpreted their taste for expensive things as a sign that they were hiding behind material objects. I interpreted their obvious mask to the world as another hiding mechanism. And what I perceived as stupid life choices I thought were a form of escaping their real selves.

    In essence, I felt that all of these traits were an attempt to cover up their own insecurities, for fear of not being accepted completely for who they are, who they really are.

    Why were these people so…unaware?

    It infuriated me.

    Each time I was triggered by a person with these traits I would think to myself “Not this again. When will I finally be rid of this uncomfortable feeling?”

    Then it hit me. Several times.

    I realized that the traits I noticed in others were just a reflection of myself. The traits that really peeved me off were traits I did not accept within myself.

    I also like to buy nice, expensive things sometimes. There are moments in my life where I wear a mask to not reveal all of myself. And in the past, I made some decisions to avoid what I was really feeling within.

    This was shocking to me because it meant I was passing judgment, not just on the other person but also on myself. It meant that I was not accepting myself fully, completely, wholly.

    And trust me, just accepting that fact was a lot to take in.

    I’ve always thought myself to be a person with confidence and a great belief in myself. But apparently, there were a few more things that I needed to learn about loving and accepting myself.

    No one is perfect. And we need to accept ourselves as we are, flaws and all.

    As we go through life, challenges arise to help us keep growing. We’re human and we have layers. Just when we think we’ve learned something, life comes along and shows us there’s more.

    Here are some tips that have helped me accept and grow with my most recent life lesson.

    1. Don’t beat yourself up.

    No matter how easy it is to say to yourself, “Why can’t you just get over this?” allow yourself the time to learn the lesson at your own pace. Challenges can hit a raw nerve within us. Sometimes we need to take it step by step and nurture ourselves in the process. Be nice and gentle to yourself!

    2. Observe your thoughts and emotions.

    Awareness is the first step in acknowledging any life challenge. How are you responding to a particular event, circumstance, or person? What are your initial feelings? And why are you feeling this way?

    Asking yourself some important questions can help you understand why you are having such a profound response to something. Don’t censor yourself to sound like a good person. Be truthful. It’s the only way to find out what’s really beneath it all.

    3. Shift the focus back to you.

    Our outer world is a reflection of what’s going on within us because we project our own thoughts and feelings onto other people and events. We give it our own meaning.

    Remember, we can’t change other people, the past, or circumstances out of our control. All we can change is ourselves. Shift your focus back onto yourself and realize that you have the power to change your life.

    4. Accept what you cannot change.

    I know it’s easy to resist your circumstances, and blame other people and events. Sometimes we just have to accept it, breathe through it, and know that this is happening because it’s time for us to grow.

    5. Celebrate your growth.

    When you’ve learned the life lesson, celebrate! After all, you’ve just taken another step in evolving as a human being. Rejoice in the fact that you can handle whatever life throws at you and become a better person because of it.

    Life is pretty amazing. We all hit a few road bumps along the way, but eventually the road gets smooth again. As long as we’re learning lessons as we go, there’s no reason we can’t sit back and enjoy.

    Photo here

  • Be the Hero of Your Story: Make Your Life Count

    Be the Hero of Your Story: Make Your Life Count

    Seize the Moment

    “Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.” ~Walter Anderson

    Flying. I love flying.

    No, I’m not some sick person who likes getting strip-searched by TSA, or waiting several hours to board a flight that should have arrived at my destination already. I hate that part, but I love the part when the plane takes off, and I especially love the part right before the plane touches down.

    Maybe its because I’ve inhaled so much recirculated air, or maybe its because I’m jet lagged and in some overly tired, trance-like state, but I love the initial descent.

    During the initial descent the destination becomes clear when you look outside the window. Oh, I love the window seat. Every time without fail, I gaze outside and look at the lights of the houses and buildings as the plane flies by.

    Every time a very similar thought comes to my mind: Inside each house there is a person or a family, people experiencing highs and lows, people laughing and crying, people living and people dying.

    For some reason this obvious thought is comforting to me. Maybe it’s because it’s proof that although we are all infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things, we are all sharing in a collective human experience.

    I think there is meaning in life, which made this plane ride ultimately more difficult than any other, because I was returning home to bury my twenty-seven-year-old brother.

    A day after the burial, my father and I met up with some of his close friends to collect my brother’s personal belongings and view the site “where it happened.”

    I remember that day so clearly. It was bright and warm for the chilled wintertime in northern California. It wasn’t the type of day you’d expect for death; it was as if the weather didn’t care.

    People asked me why it was so important that I know how it happened. 

    I tried to explain that I just wanted some answers, but a common response was that “knowing” wouldn’t bring him back. Obvious, true, and painful, but I’ve always had a need to know, and I was determined to try and make sense of it and uncover what had happened.

    At the site, I went over all of the possibilities in my head as if I were the investigator. Maybe he’d tried to answer his cell phone? Maybe he’d fallen asleep? Maybe the truck had malfunctioned? Maybe? Maybe? Maybe?

    I needed to know what had caused the one-ton truck to blow over a power pole and crash forty feet across a water-filled ditch into a dirt embankment, causing the truck to fold like an accordion.

    Maybe I needed to know because I have an image in my head of my brother lying helpless in the mangled cabin of that truck, waiting, hoping for someone to come out there and help him.

    According to the traffic and police reports, it was almost two hours until someone arrived on scene because he was commuting in the country. In fact, if he hadn’t hit a power pole, and someone hadn’t been unable to watch their midnight TV programming, it may have even been longer till someone got out to the site.

    The police report said that my brother was pronounced dead at the time of arrival, but still, my thoughts turn to those unaccounted-for two hours.

    Fate. Is there a single force that determines our lives? Maybe there is a higher power that has a plan for all of us? Maybe we have the ability to determine our own destiny? Maybe? Maybe? Maybe?

    I don’t find comfort in answers that rely upon faith. I come from the school of doubt. I am not out to discredit anyone’s religion or philosophies on life; on the contrary, I think all can be good if they help each person live a meaningful and responsible life, but there are simply more questions than answers, and I don’t want to base my life on theory.

    I am not a pessimistic person—you can ask anyone who knows me—but I instantly discredit everything, even my own ideas. It seems there is some sort of circular logic paradox, where for every idea, there is another idea that counters it. Life is one big paradox.

    “Life sucks, and then you….”

    I’m sorry for the cliché, but this is important. We’ve all heard this phrase before, and we know how it ends: “…and then you die.”

    But if you are reading this, you are not dead yet. And if you have felt the way I’ve felt, life does suck.

    No sense trying to sugar coat it: sometimes, it just plain sucks. I’m here to tell you that that’s okay. In fact, it’s good that life sometimes sucks—and you’re not dead yet.

    I recall the last time I saw my brother alive. Fortunately, I made the decision to take additional time off of work for Thanksgiving instead of Christmas, and got a few additional days with him.

    On my Thanksgiving trip back home, we did a lot of our regular activities: We BSed about good times in the past, drank and sang karaoke at our favorite Irish Pub, singing till our throats got sore and then singing some more, and we spent time with our family and friends.

    However, this trip home, and this time spent with my brother, was different from any other time.

    My brother spent most of his adult life with a large chip on his shoulder. I suppose a lot of people have such chips weighing them down because “life sucks.” This was his attitude.

    Not all the time, of course. He had some great times, some amazing moments; I know this because we had them together. But the chip was always there, sometimes just below the surface.

    On this last trip home, something was different. We still went out drinking at karaoke, but this time he put me in the cab. This time he picked up the bill. This time his chip had some real passion behind it.

    He told me definite plans he had for the future. He had started to seriously date. He had even picked a vocation that he was happy about; he was going to be an electrician, saying to me, “I like working with my hands.”

    Make no mistakes about it: my brother had started taking responsibility for his life.

    “Life sucks, and then you die” is an incomplete sentence. It’s the wrong side of the paradox to take because meaning in life comes from what we each do. Life just is, and we are all unique artists with the ability to create our own masterpiece. If positive and negative are two sides of a coin, we don’t have to flip it and leave it to chance.

    I have often asked myself, if I died right now, how would I feel about my life? The retrospective questions seem to supply the fullest answers.

    Maybe you have done this before, or maybe this is the first time you have dared to ask such a question. Everyone’s answer may be different, and the way they feel about it may be different.

    Regardless, it can be empowering. Life is all we know for certain we have. Say what you will about religious belief and potential other planes of existence. The now is here; living it fully is about believing and having faith in ourselves.

    What I saw in my brother that day, for the first time, was a slight shift in attitude that had moved him into action. He’d started to be the hero of his own life story.

    Tragic as the brevity of his life is, the real tragedy would have been never making the change. My brother Justin is my inspiration, a source of newfound strength, and a reminder that it is never too late to start a new journey.

    During the initial descent, the destination becomes clear when you look out the window. Flying overhead I see the shimmering lights of human experience and I have perspective; when I land, it is up to me to decide what to do.

    Photo here

  • Becoming Alive Again: Find Happiness Right Where You Are

    Becoming Alive Again: Find Happiness Right Where You Are

    “Letting go of the past means that you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

    For many of us, life spits out the very real scenario of “one day to the next.” As we go through the motions, our daily routine, whatever that entails, our life becomes predictable. We feel like it’s Groundhog Day. As we land our feet on the ground when we wake each morning, we feel like we are back on the merry-go-round of life.

    For me, as I woke every morning, I questioned myself: “Is this it? Am I to feel like this every day?”

    I wanted to feel alive again. All those teenage dreams, those adolescent aspirations that I once had when life was fairly simple, were now gone.

    A time when once I felt like I could be anything and have it all had now faded, and my life started to feel a little grey.

    Initially I sought out help from a therapist. I wanted to find that person again, the one who had passion about life, but I needed help. I needed direction. Of course, the therapist was not able to solve my problems. But she gave me hope. Hope with compromise.

    She helped me to understand the idea of seasons. We all go through life, and our life has seasons of its own. Not the temperate kind that we know, but periods of change, growth. Some of those seasons are not as joyous or productive as others. For me at that time, well, quite frankly it just wasn’t my season. It was my winter. I wanted spring!

    Over time I came to accept that the stage of life that I was in could not be changed. I was a responsible adult to three children, I was married, and I was employed in a job that I was satisfied with and we had a mortgage. There were mouths to feed and bills to pay.

    All extremely sensible, and with choice I could have left my entire domestic scenario and uprooted my tribe, and radically adjusted our lifestyle in order to find what it was I felt was missing. To be honest, I wanted to escape domesticity; I wanted an easy out, in the hope that I would get back my creativity and my passion for life.

    However, the adult in me knew that this would be unfair to many of those around me.

    So here’s what I did—eventually (certainly not overnight!).

    I developed in my mind and on paper a ten-year plan for my career.

    I am happy in the job that I am doing—not skipping over rainbows happy, but close to home, great people to work with happy. I am satisfied for the moment; however, I don’t want to be here employed in my place of work in ten years time.

    I thought about where my family would be in ten years—how old they would be, how much of a commitment they would need from me. That commitment would shift in ten years because of their growth, and so would my priorities about where I worked.

    So I enrolled to study so that I can head into a different career path in ten years. While it may seem a long way off, how often do we look back on ten years and wonder where it went?

    Making long-term goals for your career allows you to commit to something new and achieve a path to career fulfilment.

    I accepted that there were things about my life that I couldn’t change and I stopped torturing myself about them.

    I couldn’t, at that time, change where I lived. My children were settled in a school, my job was secure and relatively satisfying, so really there was no reason to leave. If we did move, our mortgage costs would increase and this would simply exacerbate stress on our lives.

    I was at a point of practicalities in my life and needed to accept them, not regret them. Torturing myself about choices I had made during my life was not helpful.

    It’s not productive to wish for a life you didn’t live. Dwelling on regret is torturing yourself, because focusing on choices you made in the past won’t help you create momentum in the present.

    I learned to focus on what I already have, rather than what I want.

    I think about how grateful I am for the health and well-being of those around me who I love and adore.

    In the commercial world of today, we are surrounded and hounded to buy this and buy that, and be this and be that, and to want and want and then want more—because advertisers and marketers tell us that we won’t be good enough if we don’t want more!

    Focus on the great things you have already and hug those beautiful people who fill your life with love and friendship right now.

    I made a list of “do-able” things that make me happy. 

    While some of those adolescent and young adulthood dreams and hopes are not achievable right now, I wrote a list of things that I like to do or that challenge me. They’re things that I aspired to do in my past life but just never got around to.

    Writing is one. Yoga and walks on my own keep my mind and body balanced. Listening to music brings me joy.

    It’s about connecting with our passion for all those little things that we forget are the foundation of who we are—things that form the spirit within us. Keeping it simple is best. Strip your “happiness list” back to basics.

    It may be taking a bubble bath, or reading a particular book. Or it may be something bigger, like learning the guitar or running a marathon.

    I took myself on a trip. On my own. Overseas! 

    It was a beautiful destination—tropical, beaches, resort style accommodation, happy hour! Sounds wonderful, but in all honesty, I was petrified. I had to travel on a plane for eight hours, enter a foreign country, and be exposed to a culture entirely different to mine.

    I hate flying, was scared of catching some awful tummy bug, and wasn’t even sure if I would come back alive. No one would know if something happened to me—at least not for a while. But guess what? All those mixed emotions—the fear, the worry, the excitement, and the anticipation—all of it made me feel alive again.

    I was feeling! I was feeling emotions that I hadn’t felt for a long time. Every morning I would walk along the beach. I drank beer at 11am. I lay in the shallows of the ocean and watched tiny transparent fish dart around me. I walked in the afternoon tropical rainstorm. I ate in restaurants alone.

    So the question is: Where would you like to go? Ask yourself that and take yourself there—even if it’s just to a local tourist destination. Sometimes the closest journeys are the most satisfying. Reward yourself and take a trip to a place you have never been before.

    Becoming alive again was a journey, and from time to time I have to stop and regroup with all those feelings. Then once again I’m alive and smiling inside. You can be too.

  • Why We Don’t Always Get What We Want

    Why We Don’t Always Get What We Want

    Lonely Man

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    It’s probably happened to you. In all likelihood, it has happened multiple times in your life thus far.

    You don’t understand why it happens. And when it does, it can throw you into the deepest valleys of despair.

    Perhaps you cry out to a higher power to make things better. Maybe you just stare into the cosmos, wondering what the meaning of life is and why things get tough.

    I’ve been there. Many times. For all sorts of reasons.

    Breakups, career problems, dealing with a death, financial issues, there are a million things that can put you into this frame of mind.

    You know what you want more than anything, but no matter what you do, the universe just doesn’t seem to give it to you. Why? Why can’t things just be easier, simpler? Why can’t things get better?

    Why can’t we get what we want?

    A few years ago I was going through an extremely difficult time in my life. My fiancé of four years had broken up with me. Over the phone.

    No visit. No long talk about how we could maybe work it out. She just told me she couldn’t do it anymore.

    And just like that, I was thrown into that valley.

    I spent the next few months searching for answers. I read through different religious texts, self-help sites, and scientific books. I prayed, I meditated, and I even tried to visualize the thing that I wanted the most. 

    I just wanted my fiancé back.

    My work suffered at my job, though I didn’t notice. It took an old friend, one of my bosses, calling me into his office and having an honest conversation for me to realize that I was basically coasting through the weeks.

    In the evenings, I was plagued by dreams of my ex. In them, we were happy and together. Everything had worked out.

    Of course, I always woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and crying. Yeah, I woke up crying.

    I was raised to believe in a higher power. But during those nights of torture, I found myself pounding my pillow and begging him/her to make everything better.

    Nothing ever got better, though.

    Talks with friends yielded no good counsel. As a student of the psychological sciences, and a counselor myself, their cliché words only served to frustrate me.

    “There’s a reason for everything.” “If it’s meant to be.” “Time heals all wounds.” The more I heard their fortune cookie advice, the angrier I became. 

    And the whole time, I continued to beg the higher power to fix everything.

    One day at my job, I was talking to one of the teachers I worked with. She was a huge fan of Native American history and had an interesting perspective on my predicament.

    She suggested that I go on a vision quest.

    I’d done one of these when I was in graduate school as part of an assignment. We had studied the ancient technique the natives used when they were searching for answers, so I was pretty familiar with the process.

    If you don’t know what a vision quest is, you go out to a place where all you can do is observe the world around you and focus intensely on the thoughts that come as a result.

    This time, though, the stakes were much higher than on my previous quest.

    I decided to do it on a weekend and woke up the following Saturday morning with one mission in mind: to find answers. 

    The former capital of the Cherokee nation was only twenty minutes from my house, now set aside as a state park. I figured what better place to do a vision quest than where the Native Americans used to live?

    It was a chilly morning, and the forests surrounding the historical site were thick with fog as I began my walk.

    I stopped at various points along the way to meditate and pray. There was one spot next to a gentle brook where I watched the birds and squirrels scurrying about their day, mirroring the many thoughts and feelings rushing around in my head.

    While nature was peaceful around me, a storm still raged in my heart centering around a single question: Why can’t I have what I want?

    I continued the walk, writing down every thought and emotion that came to my mind. Minutes turned into hours and, as I neared the fourth hour of my quest, I decided it was getting close to time for me to leave. Empty handed.

    I neared the top of a ridge at the edge of the sacred land and looked up into the leafy canopy of the forest. Poplar, oak, and maple leaves hung silently above me.

    “I just want to know why you won’t fix this for me,” I said out loud, bitterly.

    Suddenly, my mind was whisked back to the school where I work to a point a few weeks before and a conversation I’d had with one of my students. I’d walked into the computer classroom to see what everyone was working on that day and he’d gotten my attention.

    “Hey, can you fix my grade in this class so I can pass?”

    The question caught me off guard and I laughed. “Yeah, I can do that,” I surprised him with my answer. As a school counselor, I have access to that kind of stuff.

    His face became hopeful. “You can?”

    I went on to explain to him that I could do that, but I wouldn’t.

    He asked why.

    I told him it was because if I fixed everything for him like that, he would never learn anything.

    My brain zipped back to the moment, standing on the forest trail. The realization punched me in the face like Mike Tyson in his prime.

    A smile crept onto my face. Then I began to laugh and looked back up into the treetops.  A robust breeze rolled in, waving the high branches around dramatically.

    I continued to smile as I spun around staring dizzily into the rustling leaves.

    That was it. If someone or something always fixed everything for me all the time, I would never learn anything. More than that, I would never be able to do anything for myself in life. I would always be dependent on someone or something else to make things better for me. 

    I would never be able to learn another language, live in a foreign environment, try new foods or activities, or grow as a person in any way.

    Sometimes in life things happen that can be difficult, and often they can be extremely painful. We must push through those moments where all seems lost. When we do, we can find a new us on the other side that is wiser and more beautiful than we ever imagined.

    By working through these difficult changes in life, we grow into something new, better, stronger.

    To paraphrase what the Rolling Stones said: You can’t always get what you want. But you get what you need.

    Photo by Zigg-E

  • 6 Thought-Provoking Realizations to Make You Feel Better About Life

    6 Thought-Provoking Realizations to Make You Feel Better About Life

    “Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.” ~Māori Proverb

    It’s easy to get caught up in our own lives and forget what makes life so beautiful in the first place. Isn’t that true? I know for me, I end up living life through autopilot, lacking a conscious thought until I snap out of it and remind myself that life is great.

    When I get like this, it’s nice to remind myself of the realizations I’ve come across over the years and stored in my memory bank.

    Every time you forget what you’re living for or feel like life is purposeless, consult this list.

    1. You can’t ever really be bored.

    One of my favorite quotes comes from comedian Louis C.K. If you don’t think you should be reading life quotes from a comedian, wait until you hear his.

    “‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’”

    2. You have the potential to make someone smile.

    You know what’s awesome? You could, if you really tried, make a stranger’s day today. Find a stranger who you’d guess no one has acknowledged in weeks and smile at him or her. Most people live invisibly with hardly an individual glancing at them. Show them you see them and smile. Bonus points if you say hi or strike up a conversation.

    3. You’ve gotten through so many moments where you thought it was going to be all over.

    Especially as a kid, I used to have all these doomsday alarms setting off in my head. If I don’t get this or that, my life is over. I’m going to be miserable forever.

    Of course, as I grew up my mind became more realistic, but how often do we feel like we’re going to be miserable forever? We’ve gotten through pretty much most of them, right?

    We move on and find new things to fear or be worried about.

    4. You have the power to better yourself every day.

    Maybe a few people reading this may think to themselves that this one is obvious, but it really isn’t. I honestly know many people who don’t believe in the idea of people changing and, of course, they “accept” who they are.

    There’s a difference between accepting who you are and striving to become a better person. Isn’t it liberating to know that you’re not stuck with the cards you’ve been given? You’re not stuck at all! Not ever!

    You can work towards becoming your ideal self a little bit at a time.

    5. You from five years ago had nothing on present-you.

    Every time I look back just a few years I have this smile on my face. I look at the socially awkward past-Vincent, the guy just trying to figure life out. Then I say, wow, I was a doofus!

    Guess what? A few years ago when I did the same retrospection I thought the same thing to myself. Every time you look back you sort of cringe and wonder how you were so _______.

    Imagine five years from now. You’re going to change so much (hopefully for the better) and you’ll realize you’ve grown a lot.

    6. You have the potential to learn about anything.

    The Internet is this gigantic resource available to you anytime and it has the potential to teach you just about anything.

    Isn’t that just awesome? I taught myself how to get websites on Google’s first page, how to write words that stick so that people across the world can enjoy and learn, and I also taught myself juggling! All of these, by the way, were within the past year.

    When was the last time you thought to yourself, “I wish I knew about _____”?  What’s your excuse? You have access to the Internet. After all, you are reading this.

    Sometimes life may seem hard, unfair, or chaotic, but you must remind yourself of how beautiful the world really is. Try to remember the little things that many people forget somewhere along the way.

  • Improve Any Relationship by Challenging Your Perceptions

    Improve Any Relationship by Challenging Your Perceptions

    Couple

    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

    This morning, I found my wife desperately trying to make her printer work after having set herself one hour to get some good work done. I told her she should use my printer and concentrate on more important things. Surely her printing goal was to get the document in hand, not to spend her one precious hour fighting the machine?

    When our argument had died down (yes, it really did get that far!) and after I had finished my morning meditation, I realized that I had once again committed my favorite error: mixing up reality and perception and not calling things by their proper name.

    In my mind, she was wasting her time and unlikely to get her any good results. I had told her so and that’s where we started arguing.

    To call things by their proper name is all about seeing and expressing the difference between reality and perception. I had been swept away by my own perceptions. And by imposing them on my wife, I was not only disrespecting the reality of the situation, but also the woman I live with and love.

    If I had stopped to think, I would have realized that the reality was very different to what I had thought and said: My wife was using the majority of her one work hour trying to solve a printing issue. Full stop. Who said she was desperate and stupid, and should use my printer and focus on more important things?

    When we are caught up in our own egos and forget to distinguish between our own perception and the factual reality of things, all sorts of bad consequences can arise.

    We blame others for our own reactions, we see neutral things as right or wrong, and we judge others as not befitting our own standards. It is true that I would have spent my one working hour differently, but who am I to impose this on my wife?

    Having made my post-meditation promise to call things by their proper name, I realized as the morning went on that I was doing the opposite all the time: The weather was beautiful, the baby horse was cute, the kids were too noisy. I couldn’t say “no” to my client, I had too many emails and lunch was over-cooked.

    So I am going to stick at my challenge and see if I can spot the moments when I mix up perception and reality.

    If I succeed, I believe I will gain more self-knowledge about the way I am operating and the way I am judging my experiences. I believe that this will in turn give me more chances to really choose how I behave, how I communicate, and how I react to the world.

    If this post means anything to you and you are inspired to pick up the challenge, here is my prescription:

    Keep your eyes and ears open for moments when other people express their opinions as if they were fact.

    (For example: “That’s not good” and “ you can’t…”)  It’s often easier to see in others than yourself, and observing others is a good place to start.

    Every time you spot yourself liking or disliking something, take note and ask yourself: “What is the reality here and how do I perceive it?”

    With a little time, you will become more aware of your own preferences and their impact on how you operate day-to-day.

    Try to express reality and perception as two different things.

    For example: “There is a baby horse that I find nice to look at.” This will make you sound less judgmental and maybe keep you out of a few arguments!

    Try and avoid using judgmental words like “should,” “better,” and “important.”

    These are often nothing more than indicators of your own perception, and things might work out better for you if you don’t impose them on other people.

    —

    When Confucius said “the beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper name” I believe he meant to say that humans have a tendency to associate the truth with their own point-of-view. I did this with my wife without even realizing.

    If you take up this challenge yourself, be patient with yourself and others and see if you can call things by their proper name. It may bring you more happiness, more honesty, and maybe even a little self-knowledge.

    Photo by Sean McGrath

  • 5 Ways to Deal with Emotional Oversensitivity

    5 Ways to Deal with Emotional Oversensitivity

    “It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

    I’ve never been much of a sun worshipper. I’m a pale blend of Irish, Scottish, and English, so my skin goes from alabaster to boiled lobster in about twenty minutes.

    Once when I was a teenager, someone accidentally smacked me on my sunburned back.  I was in tears. She was genuinely sorry and I said I was all right, but secretly I was angry.

    Couldn’t she see how red I was? How slowly I moved? Someone with a sunburn gives very obvious signs, or so I thought. How could she not know I was in pain?

    Now I can see how my signs weren’t obvious at all. Most of us are so busy rushing through our own lives that only the most astute person can see when someone else is hurting.

    So, when someone accidentally aggravates my injury, who is at fault? Them, for not noticing I’m hurt? Or me, for not alerting them to be careful?

    The answer, of course, is that nobody’s at fault. It’s an accident. Any mature person recognizes this and, instead of getting stuck in blame or guilt, takes immediate steps to make amends and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

    This is especially true for emotional pain.

    A friend used to hurt my feelings all the time. Accidentally. His actions were never overtly malicious. Yet he was as oblivious to my signs of emotional pain as that person who smacked my sunburn had been to my physical signs.

    My emotions felt sunburned.

    He knew about a relationship from a few years earlier that had left parts of me very raw. But the “clothing” of my naturally gregarious, optimistic personality concealed how sensitive I still was, just like the lightweight summer blouse had concealed the extent of my sunburn.

    He didn’t realize that his perfectly innocent behavior triggered deep pain in me.

    In my youth, I would’ve blamed him for hurting me. Thankfully, I was mature enough to realize that he wasn’t causing my pain; he was just accidentally irritating a tender spot I already had.

    I’ve always been extremely sensitive, emotionally. I often lack the ability to articulate what I’m feeling, or what I’m sensing from others, but I feel it. Oh, boy, do I feel it.

    Once I accepted that other people usually aren’t aware of my emotional sensitivities and how easily my feelings get hurt, I quickly developed a way to examine the true cause of any pain I felt.

    I use these five questions:

    1. Was it intentional?

    Putting aside my pain for a moment, I look at the situation from the other person’s perspective.

    Did she or he intend to make me feel this way? It’s rare when a good person is deliberately cruel, and it’s obvious when a mean person is bullying. When I trust that others aren’t trying to hurt me, I can take them out of the equation and focus on what I’m feeling.

    2. What am I feeling?

    When we’re in pain, blaming the person who hurt us is a natural defense mechanism. We project our pain outward as anger, rather than turning our attention inward to heal. Are we accusing someone of making us feel worthless? Stupid? Ignored? Embarrassed? Unattractive? Unloved and unlovable?

    Naming the accusation lets us dig beneath it to find the sensitive spot it’s protecting, and see what’s really going on.

    3. What’s really going on?

    Once I identify what I’m feeling, I want to figure out why I’m feeling it. What am I really struggling with? It’s usually a repeating theme centered on my insecurities.

    For example, if someone “made” you feel stupid, maybe you doubt your own abilities and intelligence. If someone “made” you feel worthless, perhaps you don’t accept your own value as a human being.

    I often feel forgotten or ignored, because I’m an overachiever who struggles with feelings of inadequacy.

    It helps to remember that other people can’t “make” us feel anything. They can only trigger feelings and opinions we already have about ourselves.

    4. Where’s the relief?

    Once you find where you’re sensitive, an emotional salve helps ease the sting. Maybe you need to be alone for a while. That’s okay. It’s also okay to ask for help. My favorite relief is spending quality time with friends, but I sometimes have trouble asking for that.

    I used think that asking for help was a sign of weakness in me. When I helped my friends, I never judged them as being weak. They were simply going through a rough time, and I wanted to help make them feel better.

    That’s when I realized that not asking for their help denied them a chance to be my friend. I now feel that asking for help is like giving a gift. I’m giving my friends something they want: a chance to be my friend.

    Maybe I need a distraction, and we just hang out together. Maybe I need to talk through what happened, to figure out how to stop it from happening again. It doesn’t matter.  I tell them what I need, they provide it happily, and we both feel better.

    5. How can I prevent it from happening again?

    Trust your relationships enough to talk with the person who hurt you about what hurts. Chances are, the other person has no idea you’re hurting.

    This is the hardest part for me. I’m always worried they’ll think I’m whining or placing blame. Be clear that you’re not blaming them and don’t want them to feel guilty. You simply want to share the fact that you have a sensitive spot.

    Together, figure out how to avoid irritating that sensitivity, and make a plan for how to deal with it if it happens again.

    We all have our insecurities—our sunburned emotions. Accepting and caring for those oversensitive spots helps protect them until they heal. And they will heal, just like a sunburn does.

    Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. It’s SPF for the soul.

  • Why We Need Disconnected Alone Time (Without Social Media)

    Why We Need Disconnected Alone Time (Without Social Media)

    “Do not rely completely on any other human being, however dear. We meet all life’s greatest tests alone.” ~Agnes Macphail 

    I have found that the more time I spend alone, the more comfortable I become in my own skin because I can truly get to know myself. This provides me with more patience to accept myself as I am, wherever I am in my journey, on a daily basis.

    This lesson was something I learned after spending a summer alone in Italy with a family friend.

    I embarked on the journey, turning off my phone for the first time, well, probably ever. I would be jetting all over America then landing in a country with a family basically unknown to me.

    It wasn’t until two years after I returned that I wished I had spent more time living in the moment while experiencing the greatest adventure of my life. I was not comfortable enough in my own skin to truly be present in the magical moments presenting themselves in a foreign country.

    My mind stayed distracted as I wondered what people were thinking of me, and what I would post online to my friends back home.

    At nineteen years old, it seemed much more important to capture photos to upload to social media. The Internet was a crutch for me to not feel so alone in an unknown territory. As brave as I was to be completely alone in my adventure, I had a thousand people to “connect” with on my lonely nights!

    Two years later I realized that I could have filled my days with activities for growth.

    I now wish I had traveled to nearby cities, spent my days reading in a cafe, tried acupuncture—anything out of the ordinary.

    The truth was I didn’t have the hobbies I have now. The trip did help me grow, but I regret that I could not simply enjoy the moments instead of wanting thousands of others to see I was enjoying them.

    I discovered that if I want to be happy, it would be my own doing. Happiness is an interior process and comes without validation from others.

    This is something that is a lesson to be relearned each day.

    Spending small moments of time alone—sans phone, tablet, laptop, TV, and radio—allows one to really tune in. We need to ask ourselves things like: What is my body telling me today? How do I feel today?

    There are all kinds of things we can do to enjoy our alone time, some of them very simple. I enjoy my shower, my yoga practice, and the scenic drive home, all without communication to the exterior world. This helps me to really absorb my practice and just “be.” I find it helpful to journal, old fashion style, with a pen and paper after this little escape.

    To figure out if you are relying on others, ask yourself: What have I done today, only for myself? Do I need to have my cell phone? Or can I stow it away and just be?

    You may also want to ask yourself: Am I taking a photo so I can remember this occasion, or so others can see how I spent my hour? Am I updating my social media because I want to, or because I need validation through likes and posts to be happy?

    Lastly, ask: What would happen if I stopped seeking the opinions of others to fuel my happiness? Would the world still accept me if I spent less time trying to win their approval?

    The only one keeping you away from your true self is you.

    Practice spending an hour a day doing something just for you and keep it a secret. Relish in the fact that this activity is just for you.

    Once you grow fond of spending time alone, you can start to increase the amount of time you spend on your “secret” activities. Eventually, your presence in the moment will grow as you stop seeking approval and recognition from others.

    I find that when I take a day off and unplug, I emerge fully ready to engage with others with more energy and enjoyment.

    When your brain stops worrying about what others think of you, what you should have said or done, you can truly listen to your friends and provide feedback and attention.

    Trust in yourself and feel powerful in the fact you are taking your happiness into your own hands.