Tag: Happiness
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How to Trust That You’ll Be Okay No Matter What
“The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.” ~Ursula K. Le Guin
Did you play with cootie catchers as a kid?
You picked a number and watched anxiously as your friend counted it out. Open. Close. Open. Close.
You chose a color or picture or word and waited in anticipation as your friend unfolded the flap and read your destiny.
Or how about that MASH game? Mansion, apartment, shack, house?
I played these games with an insatiable desire for all the details.
How is all of this going to play out?
Where will I live?
What will become of me?
I was fascinated with details, and anyone who could supply them. Fortune cookies, horoscopes, and psychic phone readings all held the promise of telling me exactly what I yearned to know.
Will I be okay?
With time, curiosity gave way to hard-core, type A planning. I’d plan everything out in excruciating detail and get my heart set on one specific outcome.
I’d make a deal with the cosmos. Everything will be okay if it turns out just like this, okay? Okay.
I craved certainty and the illusion of control.
The answer “surprise me,” made me uncomfortable. Playing it by ear was torturous. Penciling it in felt like the easy way out.
I’ve made a lot of plans along the way: graduation plans, wedding plans, birth plans, career plans. Yet, no matter how painstakingly crafted these plans were, I was always a little surprised with where I ended up.
My actual wedding dress was nothing like the pictures I collected with friends in high school.
My thirty-eight-hour, two epidural labor was nothing like my 100% all natural birth plan.
My house in Arizona is nothing like the one I’d dreamed of having in Northern California.
And I’ve been okay.
Okay, universe. I get the message.
It’s not really about the details.
We can make the best of difficult times, rising up after we’ve been dragged through the muck. We can surprise ourselves with what it turns out we actually want. And we can rain all over our own parades.
The details are delicious, though.
It’s so satisfying to make a list and check things off. It feels so good that sometimes we’ll even write down the things we’ve already done. And there’s something so soothing about having the who, what, when, and where sorted out.
Best of all is knowing that the whole plan is exactly, perfectly the way you want it. It’s positively intoxicating.
The only trouble is that the details hardly ever turn out as planned.
This whole attachment to details thing is getting harder as time goes on. At a time when I most want to know if we’ll all be okay, I suddenly can’t figure the details out. Maybe I’ve lost my touch, or maybe the plans are getting more complicated.
There are so many more variables and people involved now. Where it was once just me and my cats, there’s now me, my husband, my children, our families, old friends and new friends, employers, clients, school systems, licenses, and a mortgage to consider.
With each new piece comes countless questions. So many, in fact, that I can’t even picture what all of this is going to look like.
That’s got to be okay.
I’m learning to accept that I’ll be okay if I don’t know the details because I know how I want to feel and what I want to leave room for in my life.
As much as we’d like to take credit for them, the details are often things that just present themselves when they’re good and ready to be seen, anyway. They tend to sort themselves out in ways that we never could have planned.
We take one step, then another. We prepare the best we can with what we know, knowing how we want to feel when it’s all said and done. Then we reassess along the way.
Part of me really wants to fight that because it still believes that having all the answers now will guarantee that everything will be okay. Maybe it’s time to start having a little more trust that I’ll find a way to be okay no matter what happens.
The more comfortable I get with letting the details reveal themselves when the time is right, the more aware I am of all the people who want to know the plan right now.
They want to know when you’re visiting or moving back to your hometown or having your next child or finally graduating or asking for that raise.
They ask all kinds of detailed questions about your plan, so much so that it can leave you feeling ashamed for not having figured it out.
I get it, too.
People want to feel closer to you or important or useful. They want to be heard.
Maybe they’re kind of nosy. Or bossy. Or maybe they’re bored.
Maybe they just really care and want to solve what they think is a problem for you.
And maybe they also have a deal with the cosmos that everything will be okay if…
I get it because I’ve been them. I’ve interrogated, and I’ve demanded answers. Even after understanding that I can’t have absolute certainty (or control), I’ve been that person squeezing out the details before it’s time.
Understanding is different from knowing deep in your bones that you’ll be okay no matter what.
When you know, you live and breathe it. Instead of seeking control, you seek clarity. Instead of certainty, you seek courage.
When you know the truth, you also know that it’s supposed to be a little scary to look out into the uncertain future. It’s unnerving to say, “Here goes nothing.”
It takes courage to walk into the future knowing that you don’t have all the details nailed down. Your next step may be right, it may be wrong, it may lead you nowhere, and people may think you’re crazy, but you have to take it at some point.
The truth is, no one ever really knows how it’s all going to look, but you probably have a good idea of how you want to feel and what’s most important to you. And if you don’t, maybe that’s why the details are so elusive.
(But all the same, you don’t need the details.)
You don’t need to see the details to trust that you’ll figure them out when the time is right, and you don’t need to see your path to know in your heart that it’s there waiting for you to take that step.
You don’t need to know exactly how every piece will play out to know what the most important pieces are.
And you don’t need absolute certainty to know that you’ll find a way to be okay no matter what happens.
I’m not saying, “Let’s all throw caution to the wind from now until forever.” Make plans, yes, but there’s no need to obsess over the details if the details aren’t clear. Meet planning with flexibility and trust. Be curious about what happens next, not controlling.
So go ahead, daydream, plan, manifest, make a vision board, or whatever calls to you. Just remember to begin from living and breathing the truth: that you will find a way to be okay no matter what.
I have no idea where I’ll be working five years from now, what our house will look like, what we’ll do on the weekends, if I’ll have lost the baby weight, or if I’ll dye my greys, but I do trust myself to make the call when the time is right.
I don’t know all the when’s, where’s, or even how’s, but I do know how I want to feel and what I hold nearest to my heart.
I want to feel light, energized, and free.
I want to find meaning in my work.
I want to be home in time for dinner.
I want to create space for contemplation and creativity.
I think I’ve had enough of the heaviness that comes from dragging around a lifetime of plans. It’s too much pressure, and even the most carefully made plans might change in the end.
I still make plans, and I’m not throwing my bullet journal away any time soon. I’m just not letting my fear that I won’t be okay or that I’ll choose wrong or that people will disapprove suck the life out of living any more.
So go ahead, universe. Surprise me. I’ll be okay no matter what.
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How Unhealed Childhood Wounds Wreak Havoc in Our Adult Lives
“The emotional wounds and negative patterns of childhood often manifest as mental conflicts, emotional drama, and unexplained pains in adulthood.” ~Unknown
I am a firm believer in making the unconscious conscious. We cannot influence what we don’t know about. We cannot fix when we don’t know what’s wrong.
I made many choices in my life that I wouldn’t have made had I recognized the unconscious motivation behind them, based on my childhood conditioning.
In the past, I beat myself up over my decisions countless times. Now I feel that I needed to make these choices and have these experiences so that the consequences would help me become aware of what I wasn’t aware of. Maybe, after all, that was the exact way it had to be.
In any case, I am now hugely aware of how we, unbeknownst to us, negatively impact our own lives.
As children, we form unconscious beliefs that motivate our choices, and come up with strategies for keeping ourselves safe. They’re usually effective for us as children; as adults, however, applying our childhood strategies can cause drama, distress, and damage. They simply no longer work. Instead, they wreak havoc in our lives.
One of my particular childhood wounds was that I felt alone. I felt too scared to talk to anyone in my family about my fears or my feelings. It didn’t seem like that was something anyone else did, and so I stayed quiet. There were times I feared I could no longer bear the crushing loneliness and would just die without anyone noticing.
Sometimes the feeling of loneliness would strangle and threaten to suffocate me. I remember trying to hide my fear and panic. I remember screaming into my pillow late at night trying not to wake anyone. It was then that I decided that I never wanted anyone else to feel like me. This pain, I decided, was too much to bear, and I did not wish it on anyone.
As an adult, I sought out, whom I perceived as, people in need. When I saw someone being excluded, I’d be by their side even if it meant that I would miss out in some way. I’d sit with them, talk to them, be with them. I knew nothing about rescuing in those days. It just felt like the right thing to do: see someone alone and be with them so they wouldn’t feel lonely or excluded.
Looking back now, I was clearly trying to heal my childhood wound through other people. I tried to give them what I wish I’d had when I was younger: someone kind, encouraging, and supportive by my side. I tried to prevent them from feeling lonely. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing—it’s kind to recognize others in pain and try to be there for them.
The problem with my strategy was that I chose people who were alone for a reason: they behaved badly and no one wanted to be around them. I chose people healthy people would not choose to be with. People who treated others poorly and did not respect themselves, or anyone else for that matter. That included me.
And so I suffered. I suffered because I chose badly for myself. And I chose badly for myself because I followed unconscious motivations. I obediently followed my conditioning. I followed the rules I came up with as a child, but playing by those rules doesn’t work out very well in adulthood.
I never understood why I suffered. I couldn’t see that I had actively welcomed people into my life who simply were not good for me. It didn’t matter where I went or what I changed; for one reason or another, I’d always end up in the same kind of cycle, the same difficult situation.
At one point I realized that I was the common denominator. It then still took me years to figure out what was going on.
Eventually, my increasing self-awareness moved me from my passive victim position into a proactive role of empowered creator. Life has never been the same since. Thankfully. But it wasn’t easy.
I had to look deep within and see truths about myself that were, at first, difficult to bear. But once I was willing to face them and feel the harshness of the reality, the truth set me free. It no longer made sense to play by rules I had long outgrown. I didn’t realize that I had become the adult I had always craved as a child. But I was not responsible for rescuing other adults—that was their job.
I have since witnessed the same issue with everyone I meet and work with. One particular person, who had endured terrible abuse growing up, was constantly giving people the protection he had craved but never received as a child. He gave what he did not receive. And yet, in his adult life it caused nothing but heartache for him.
When he saw, what he perceived as, an injustice like someone being rude to someone else or a driver driving without consideration for others, he intervened. Unfortunately, he often got it wrong and most people didn’t want his input, which left him feeling rejected and led to him becoming verbally aggressive. Eventually, his ‘helping’—his anger and boundary crossing—landed him in prison.
He was not a bad person—far from it. He was simply run by his unconscious motivation to save his younger self. He projected and displaced this onto other people who did not need saving and never asked for his help. But his conditioning won every time and in the process wrecked his life.
What ends this cycle is awareness, understanding, and compassion.
We must learn to look at the consequences of our actions or inactions and then dig deep. We must ask ourselves: What patterns do I keep repeating? What must I believe about myself, others, and life in order to act this way? Why do I want what I want and why do I do what I do? And what would I do differently if I stopped acting on my childhood conditioning?
Beliefs fuel all of our choices. When we don’t like the consequences of our actions, we must turn inward to shine a light onto the unhelpful unconscious beliefs we formed as children. Only awareness can help us find and soothe them. Only understanding can help us make sense of them. And only compassion can help us forgive ourselves for the patterns we unknowingly perpetuated.
We didn’t know what we didn’t know. We couldn’t have made any different choices. But once we begin to see and understand how our minds work and how our conditioning drives everything we do, we grow more powerful than we ever thought possible.
It is then that we are able to make healthier, wiser, and more life-enhancing choices for ourselves. We can then break the cycles that previously kept us stuck in unfulfilling and often harmful situations and relationships.
There is always a different choice. We just have to begin to see it.
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How to Listen to Your Body and Give It What It Needs
“And I said to my body softly, ‘I want to be your friend.’ It took a long breath and replied, ‘I’ve been waiting my whole life for this.’” ~Nayyirah Waheed
For more than half my life, I took care of my body “by the numbers.” Every day, I walked a certain number of steps, no matter how sore, sick, or tired I was. I worked a certain number of hours, often going without sleep in order to finish my work and check off all the numbered items on my to-do list, no matter how my body begged for rest.
For weeks I’d follow a strict diet, counting points or calories or carbs, ignoring hunger pains and my growling stomach. But when the diet was over, I’d stuff myself on sweets and junk food until I felt sick and ashamed. At the same time, I struggled to see a certain number on the scale and to fit into a certain dress size.
Not only was I miserable physically, but when I didn’t meet these “number goals,” I felt like a failure and told myself there was something wrong with me.
Maybe some of this sounds familiar to you. Maybe you’re exercising through pain, working beyond exhaustion, and eating in ways that leave you feeling tired, bloated, or sick.
Maybe, like me, you’re blaming your body for not being strong enough, thin enough, tough enough, or just plain not good enough.
But here’s the truth: None of this is your body’s fault.
Whether you know it or not, your body is speaking to you all day long. It’s telling you on an ongoing basis what it needs to keep you healthy, comfortable, and happy.
The trouble is that we’ve all been taught to ignore what our bodies are telling us in order to please the people around us. From our earliest days we were told when and what to eat. We’re told how we should look, act, and live in order to fit in. And, over the years, we’ve learned to judge ourselves and our lives “by the numbers.”
But what if you decided to stop letting those numbers run your life and started listening to your body instead? What if you could trust that your body has a deep wisdom you can rely on to keep you healthy and strong?
Here are some techniques you can use to connect with your body in a way that helps you feel, hear, and then honor its needs. Try them all and see what works for you.
Listening to Your Body
1. Respect it.
Begin by thinking about and speaking to your body with love and respect. If you’re not sure how to do that, try repeating this.
Dear Body:
I love you exactly the way you are.
I thank you for all the things you’ve done for me throughout my life.
I respect you for all the things you do for me daily.
I honor you for having the wisdom to know how to heal.
I trust you to take care of me, and I will take care of you.
I promise I will always listen to you and give you what you ask for to heal and thrive.
My beloved body, I will speak to you with love and care for you as long as we’re together.Thank you.
Commit to replacing any negative thoughts you have about your body with thoughts of gratitude for how well your body works and how many ways it serves you throughout your day. If you’d like, pick the body part you like best, and resolve to replace any negative thoughts about your body with a positive thought about what you like about your nose or your hands or your teeth.
2. Connect body and mind.
The easiest way to connect your body and mind is to use a combination of your breath and your sense of touch. Begin by putting your hand over your heart. Notice how your heart beats under your palm and how your chest rises and falls with each breath you take. Now close your eyes and draw a deep breath into your belly. Hold it a moment, then exhale slowly.
As you continue to breathe deeply and rhythmically, bring your focus to the sound of your inhale and the sound of your exhale. Breathe in and breathe out as you continue to relax.
Now, tune into your body and what it’s telling you.
Is it tense? Relaxed? Tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Jittery? Notice if there’s a part that’s holding tension. Is that part tight or stiff? Does any part of you feel achy or anxious? Take a moment and really listen. You may be surprised at what you learn about what’s really going on inside you.
3. Ask what your body needs in the moment.
Now ask your body what it needs to feel better right away. When it answers, be ready to honor that need.
- If your body is feeling anxious, try this breathing technique. Pull your shoulders all the way up to your ears, then exhale with a whoosh and repeat until you feel calmer.
- If you’re hungry, grab a quick, healthy snack.
- If you’re thirsty, drink some water.
- If you’re restless, take a break and go for a short walk.
- If you’re achy or stiff, stretch or try a few yoga poses.
- If you’re tired, take a nap if you can. If not, try taking a two-minute vacation. Close your eyes and imagine yourself relaxing in a beautiful, peaceful place. Let your worries and exhaustion go for those two minutes while you soak up the feeling of calm relaxation.
4. Ask what your body needs to stay healthy in the future.
Next, take some time and ask your body what it needs on a long-term basis to heal and thrive in the future.
- Do you need to go back to the gym?
- Do you need to stop eating at night?
- Do you need to replace your mattress to get a better night’s sleep?
- Do you need to ask for help at work or at home?
- Do you need to schedule a massage?
- Do you need to forgive yourself or someone else?
- Do you need to start speaking up for yourself?
Pick the one thing you know your body needs right now to help it heal. Decide on one small step you could take right now to make long-term healthy changes. Commit to taking that step. Then commit to taking another small step tomorrow and the day after that until it becomes a healthy habit.
5. Stop living “by the numbers.”
Resolve to stop letting numbers run your life. Instead, commit to allowing your body to be your guide to good health and peace of mind. No more fear of failing, because you can’t get this wrong. Your body always knows what it needs.
Remind yourself how important you are, not only to yourself but also to the people around you. What you think and feel matters. Your body matters. And when you honor that body by treating it with love and respect, it will respond in kind.
As Jim Rohn says, “Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”
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Why My Grandfather Was Happy Even When He Was Dying
“It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins
Is there anyone in your past that inspired you to become the person you are today? For me, that was my grandfather, Charlie.
Charlie grew up a poor farm boy in a small South Carolina town and ended up an executive in a Fortune 250 company. He was a poster child for the American dream, and I respected him for it.
But what I admired most was his character. Charlie was always content with life, regardless of his circumstances. He prioritized servant leadership and measured his self-worth based on how well he served others.
People were drawn to him because of these characteristics.
I only had twenty-five years with my grandfather, yet he had a tremendous impact on my life. Although I learned much from him during that time, the most significant lessons came near the end of his life as he was dying.
For most of his life, Charlie was active and fit. He played football in college, golfed throughout adulthood, and was a master gardener (he had a spectacular rose and tomato garden).
But all of that quickly came to an end after he was diagnosed with ALS (also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease).
ALS is an incurable and fatal disease of the nervous system marked by progressive muscle weakness within most of the body’s muscles. Its symptoms cause difficulty with walking, picking things up, and even breathing.
Over a short time period, Charlie went from regularly golfing and gardening to being unable to do much (other than watch his body slowly waste away). He couldn’t drive, needed full-time oxygen, and had trouble walking on his own.
Given his condition, you’d think he would have exhibited (at least some) anger, frustration, or depression. Yet he didn’t. Instead, he was the happy, content man I’d grown up with.
Initially, I assumed that he was hiding how he really felt so that he could remain the strong patriarch of our family. But over time, I realized that he wasn’t faking it. He was happy despite all that he was going through.
As a young, stressed-out law student who couldn’t fathom handling his situation half as well has he was, I wanted to know how this could be. So, I got up the courage to ask him.
Charlie told me that happiness has nothing to do with your circumstances or how you feel physically. Happiness is about who you are.
Unfortunately, I had no clue what he meant. But Charlie had a way of ending conversations when he felt that he’d said enough, and this was clearly one of those moments. So, I shut up and hoped that I’d one day get it.
That day came only a few weeks later when I helped Charlie drive my grandmother’s car to a local service station he frequented. The day was cold, grey, and misty—and Charlie was having an especially tough time breathing and walking.
When we got there, the mechanic made a point to come talk to my grandfather (which should have been a clue of what was to come, but I was oblivious). After chatting for a few minutes, he went outside to get to work.
To my dismay, Charlie wanted to follow him. As I assisted my grandfather up and outside, I wondered if following was the best idea and worried about how he’d be affected physically while standing in the cold, wet weather.
For the next forty-five minutes, Charlie stood outside and talked to the mechanic while he worked. I often had to repeat what my grandfather said, because his voice was going, but that didn’t seem to matter. Both men laughed and enjoyed each other’s company.
On our way home, Charlie nodded off and his breathing sounded terrible. Later that day I asked him why he’d used so much of his energy to talk to a man he barely knew and had nothing in common with.
He looked me in the eyes and told me that what he was about to say was important and I’d better listen.
Charlie told me to never discount or disrespect people so easily. He emphasized that most people are wise and have lessons to teach. The key is to be open and willing to listen.
That’s when I finally got it.
Charlie was happy and content because of how he viewed himself, his place in the world, and even the people in it. For him, life was about being of service to and in relationship with other people.
My grandfather believed that everyone has unique gifts to share with the world, and that his role in life was two-fold:
- To fully understand his own gifts and use them to serve others
- To allow people to use their gifts for his benefit and be open to learning from them
Charlie believed that serving people is part of being in relationship with them. And he understood that service comes in many forms, including through simple everyday moments such as taking the time and effort to talk to your mechanic while they work on your car.
One of the things I learned from Charlie that day is to stay curious about people, especially about those who seem different. He was fascinated by these differences and wanted to know what motivated them and what they dreamed about. He aimed to see their soul.
This viewpoint enabled him to look at people as human beings who are vulnerable, dream big, and feel. That’s what enabled him to be so open to and accepting of others no matter who they were, what they did for a living, or how different their beliefs were.
Charlie also understood that relating to and connecting with others is a two-way street. To connect with people means allowing them to help you. You must be willing to be vulnerable.
The interesting thing about vulnerability, accepting help, and allowing yourself to learn from others is that it’s actually an act of service. By opening yourself up this way you’re allowing someone else to fully realize and use their gifts.
That’s why Charlie so gracefully accepted the vulnerability his illness brought upon him. And it’s why he was content and even happy those last difficult years.
Once I understood the answer behind why Charlie was always so content with life, regardless of his circumstances, it raised an important question. How could I be that way?
I wish I could tell you that I immediately figured that out. Truth is, I’ve worked for years to get to a place where I can finally say that I’m closer to where I wanted to be. And I’m still a work in progress.
I’ve tried just about every mindset practice there is out there, from self-affirmations to focusing on the positive. Many have been dumped and all have been revised over time.
Here’s what has worked for me (that I still do consistently):
1. When dealing with negative and stressful situations, I remind myself that every experience is an opportunity for growth and development.
I identify what can be learned and focus on that. This isn’t the same thing as always being positive. It’s about not getting stuck in negativity.
2. I observe people closely when in public and try to identify the emotions and feelings that they’re exhibiting.
And then I take it further by imagining what their dreams might be and what they fear. Basically, I get curious. This practice has made me a more intuitive people-reader (which has helped me both personally and professionally). And it’s also made me more accepting and less judgmental of people and their differences.
3. I try to add value to someone’s life daily by being kind or of service to someone.
It might mean complementing a co-worker on a new outfit, reaching out to an old friend I haven’t talked to in a while to tell them I care, or going out of my way to be kind to a waitress who’s been rude (and obviously not having a good day). Doing this has made me more aware of my surroundings and the people in it and helped me to better connect with people more quickly. It’s also made me more compassionate and kind.
4. I’m grateful for something small every day.
I’ve found that gratitude helps me to see the good in the world (and in people) and to have a more positive attitude, especially if I focus on the so-called little things. And when times get tough, I force myself to be grateful for what others are doing to help me. I started that practice when I battled breast cancer. It helped me accept my vulnerability with more grace.
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My grandfather was a wise man. I wish that he were here with me now but am hopeful that sharing what I learned from him will continue his legacy. A legacy worthy of being passed to (and by) others.
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How I Stopped Being Busy and Why I’m Now More Fulfilled
“Sometimes doing less is more than enough.” ~Kris Carr
Two years ago I made a radical lifestyle shift.
Prior to this change, I was constantly striving to do more, to achieve more, to be more. I was squeezing as much as I could into any given day. I was in conflict between building a business, working, studying, and having time for pleasure and fun. I was taking on way too much and losing myself in the process.
Building a business is a lot of work, far more than I had imagined, and it takes time to generate consistent revenue that you can live off. In order to make ends meet it was necessary for me to have paid employment. I often had multiple part-time jobs, and at times I worked full-time running my business on the side.
I studied and studied and studied for over a decade. When I completed one course I would start another. I have multiple certificates, diplomas, and even a master’s degree.
I obsessively compared myself to others. Their achievements all seemed bigger and better than mine. This constant comparing made me feel inadequate and dissatisfied with my own successes. So I worked even harder to do more, achieve more, and be more.
I felt guilty taking time to relax and play. I didn’t enjoy downtime because I felt like I was being lazy, and having a quiet moment also highlighted just how fatigued I was from living my workaholic lifestyle.
Friends admired how much I was achieving, always commenting, “I don’t know how you do it all.” Quite frankly, neither did I. All I knew was that I was completely exhausted, I wasn’t happy, and I was becoming disconnected from the people I cherished the most.
My life needed to change. I couldn’t continue to push through the fatigue anymore because I was beyond worn out. I wanted more joy and happiness in my life. I wanted to be more connected with those closest and dearest to me. I realized then I had to do less.
Before I could start reducing my commitments, I had to first identify what was really important to me. These were the questions I asked myself:
- What do I love to do?
- What energizes me?
- What brings me joy?
- What do I really want?
- What do I absolutely have to do?
In an ideal world we’d get to only do what we love to do. But in reality, there are things we are obliged to do whether we want to or not. We can delegate some activities we don’t like doing, but other tasks only we can do.
After identifying what was truly important to me and what I absolutely had to do—spending time with those closest and dearest to me, using my business as a way to teach and support others, engaging in activities that aided my physical and mental health so I could be my best self—it was time to stop doing things.
There was a lot of discomfort with letting go. It was certainly an odd and unusual feeling to have space in my day, and I had to really fight the temptation to fill my days with an ever expanding to-do list.
Next, I established boundaries to support doing less. Boundaries such as:
- Not working after a set time each day
- Not working weekends
- Not checking emails or messages or looking at social media after a set time in the evening
- Not checking emails, messages, or looking at social media in the morning until after breakfast
- When on vacation, not working and limiting my screen time
Setting boundaries meant I needed to get comfortable with saying no. I said no to being around people and in social situations that drained my energy, I said no to business opportunities that were not aligned with my overall business vision, I said no to further study and more qualifications because my ten-years plus of study and numerous qualifications were more than enough, and I said no to things that I really did not want to do.
This was not easy for me. It is far easier for me to say yes, as I don’t like to let people down, and I don’t like to miss out on opportunities. But it was time for me to focus only on the essential and what would make the most impact to my life and business. I could no longer try to do everything.
I had to remind myself that saying no was not actually a no, it was simply my prioritization, and by saying no I was saying yes to the things I really wanted and creating space for what matters the most to me.
I also made a big mindset shift around my comparison with others. Instead of feeling less than others because of their success and achievements, I began to see others’ wins as an inspiration and reminder of what is possible.
Additionally, it occurred to me that we only get to see other people’s highlights in life, work, and business, and this is a very inaccurate view. All we see is what they want us to see—their successes and achievements. We don’t get to see the hard work and failures they may also have experienced. Regardless of success and amazing wins, everyone experiences highs and lows.
Much to my surprise, I also found out that successful people don’t say yes to everything; they’re much more strategic and only say yes to what will enhance themselves, and they’re very good at delegating. This knowledge changed my perspective around trying to do it all.
By doing less I found I had more time, energy, and enthusiasm for the things most important to me. I felt more alive and joyful. The quality of my work I improved. And I became more present to life and people around me, which improved my relationships enormously.
Occasionally I have moments where I feel like I should be doing more, but the happiness and fulfillment I feel from doing less overrides those moments. I can’t go back to how things used to be and experience the unhappiness and fatigue that resulted from constantly striving for more.
Before anything gets on my calendar or I say yes to requests or tasks now, I ask myself these questions to guide my decisions:
- How important is this to me?
- Will this energize or exhaust me?
- Do I absolutely have to do this?
Doing less does not mean I do nothing; doing less means I spend more time doing what matters most to me, which makes my life happier and more fulfilling.
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Create a Little Bit of Bliss Every Day
“Follow your bliss and let the magic of life happen.” ~Janelle Jalbert
Is there something you always wanted to do as a child, and for whatever reason didn’t do? Is there something that you have wanted to do for years? Perhaps it is something that didn’t seem practical. Maybe you felt you wouldn’t be very good at it or you didn’t have the time or the money.
You can ignore the urging, submerge it, and choose not to follow through on it. But it will show up again and again, and sometimes in the oddest places. For me it was in the toy aisle at a local department store.
Here’s what happened.
My husband and I walked into a popular department store, looking for the toy and game shelves. We wanted a board game we could play with our young grandchildren. I assume there was some kind of bland elevator music playing, but I didn’t notice it until it changed to an upbeat dance tune.
The beat caught my attention, and my feet, seemingly of their own accord, started to move to the rhythm. A minute later they started to tap dance.
As a child I wanted to learn to tap dance, but for some reason I never expressed that desire. Perhaps I was afraid of looking big and heavy in a dance costume, or feeling awkward on my feet. Whatever the reason, I never told my mother, I never took lessons.
The desire to tap dance stayed with me, most times submerged beneath school, friends and family. As a teenager I learned one tap step from a friend, Shuffle Off to Buffalo, and enjoyed shuffling and tapping just for fun.
That’s as far as I went with it. There was always too much else to do. Besides, what would I do with it even if I learned how to tap dance?
Fast forward through fifty years and there I was in the toy aisle, tapping and shuffling my feet. My husband, tolerant man that he is, just smiled at me. But my feet surprised me that day.
I’d love to be the kind of person who can just break out in song and dance and not worry about what other people think of me. I’m not. For me to dance in the aisles of a department store is unusual.
Add to that the fact that I’m a sixty-four-year-old grandmother with an arthritic knee and ankle. I danced anyway and laughed at myself.
Back home again I went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. My husband sat at the counter reading a magazine. He said something to me and I looked over at him. The words “Take a Chance—Dance” headlined the page I saw in his hand in bold letters.
Okay, I thought, perhaps my feet and the Universe are telling me something.
“Bliss is doing that which fulfills you. Action that touches you deeply and fully. Bliss is active. Bliss is…following your dreams, desires, or heart.” ~Angie Karan
The next day I searched out a how-to tap dance video on my computer. I was delighted to discover a number of them specifically designed for absolute beginners.
I chose one, set the computer up where I could see it on the dining room table, and learned the first basic steps of tap dancing, shuffling and tapping around my dining room floor in my sandals.
My inner child was ecstatic. I smiled and laughed, stamped, shuffled, and tapped.
My husband walked in, no doubt wondering what all the stomping was about. “I’m learning how to tap dance!” I beamed. He smiled, shook his head, and left the room. I kept at it.
The emotional lift I felt from just those few minutes learning dance steps stayed with me all day. I smiled whenever I thought of it.
Our bliss may come in small packages. It may look like a subtle urging that has been with you since you were a child.
It may not be your life purpose, or even life changing. It may simply be something that allows you to express the childlike happiness that is within you. Something that many adults have forgotten is there.
I have no idea what learning to tap dance is going to do for me, or where it will take me. I do know that it is time for me to allow the desire that has been within me for years to express.
These longings stay with us for a reason. It is our soul talking to us through the language of our desires.
Why does my soul want me to tap dance? I don’t know. I do know that it’s fun and good exercise, and that’s enough for now.
What is your soul telling you? Let’s find out with a simple exercise.
Gather paper and pen and give yourself a few minutes of quiet time.
At the top of your paper write, “When I was a child, I loved to…”
Complete the sentence with a list of the things you loved to do as a child.
Now write, “When I was a child, I always wanted to…”
Complete the sentence with the things you wanted to do as a child but didn’t or weren’t able to do.
How many of these activities are part of your life today?
If your favorite thing to do as a child was to create models of rockets with plastic blocks, how are you expressing your love of creative construction in your life today?
What if you always wanted to go horseback riding as a child but only got to go once, and that love of horses is still with you? Could you sign up for horseback riding lessons today?
Perhaps you tell yourself you don’t have time or money for pursuits that are just for fun. Perhaps you tell yourself that you’ll get to that later. But if not now, then when?
Life zips by us while we are busy doing, doing, doing. Allow yourself to enjoy the journey. Listen to the urgings you feel inside. Don’t wait for some time in the future when you’ll have more time, money, or more accomplished. Do what you can to live a little bit of your bliss each day.
Now, if you’ll just excuse me, I have to Shuffle Off to Buffalo.
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How to Find Peace in the Dark Corners of Your Life
“The mind can go in a thousand directions, but on this beautiful path, I walk in peace. With each step, the wind blows. With each step, a flower blooms.” ~Thich Nhat Nanh
It’s easy to feel peaceful and positive when the sun is shining and life is going your way. It’s a different matter when you’re alone, afraid, sick, or so tired you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning.
As a three-time cancer survivor, I know something about getting through difficult times. I know what it’s like to feel exhausted and hopeless, but I’ve also learned it’s possible to find moments of peace and light under the most difficult of circumstances. You can too.
Here are six techniques that help me find the light when things are tough. I hope they bring you the same sense of peace and ease they bring me.
1. Stop pretending everything’s okay.
If things aren’t going well, acknowledge it.
Stop judging yourself for feeling tired, anxious, or miserable. Instead of yelling at yourself for not being upbeat in the face of trauma or trouble, speak to yourself with the same understanding and respect you’d use to support your friends and family.
Tell yourself you have every right to feel the way you do right now, but that feelings are like the tide. They come and go. And while things are tough today, you’re tough, too. You’ve been through hard times before. You’ll get through this, and tomorrow will be a better day.
2. Give yourself the gift of living one hour at a time.
When I was going through chemo for breast cancer, I was afraid I wouldn’t have the strength to make it through the six long months of treatment. And then I came across the idea of living my life hour by hour, and that changed everything.
Here’s how it works:
Let’s say it’s 1:15 p.m. where you are. All you have to do is focus on doing the best you can until 2:00 p.m. That’s it. You don’t have to worry about what’s for dinner tomorrow night. You certainly aren’t going to worry about that appointment you have next Tuesday, or how you’re going to replace your old car.
You just have to make it through this one hour, secure in the knowledge that the next hour, and all the hours after that, will take care of themselves.
It sounds simple, but living this way has seen me through some really tough days. Go ahead, give it a try, and see how this one change can make this tough time easier.
3. Focus on loving yourself.
This is a time to treat your body and spirit with fierce, loving self-care.
- Listen to your body and give it what it needs to stay healthy.
- Make sure you get enough rest. Go to bed early. Take a nap.
- Take an afternoon off and do something that soothes your heart. Go for a walk in the woods, head to the beach, or read a good book.
- Eat as well as you can, but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get all your vegetables or eat an extra piece of fudge.
- Move in ways that feel good to your body. And move as often as possible. Even a ten-minute walk or some gentle stretching can improve your mood.
- Support your health and your spirit with loving words and actions throughout your day.
- Remind yourself all day long of how many reasons and ways you have to love yourself.
My favorite way to care for myself when things are tough is to take a warm bath or shower. I love taking time alone to nurture my body and spirit. I love to relax and let the water wash away my cares and worries. For me, bathing is the perfect way to end a tough day.
4. Get busy.
Don’t just sit around worrying; do something. Even if you don’t have a lot of energy, you can still find something small to do to make your life better.
Clean out a drawer or a closet. Read something. Learn something. Start a project, finish a project. Knit, tinker, build, garden, write, explore, give, share.
I like to go for a walk or head to the kitchen to cook something, but it doesn’t matter what you do. What matters is that you take one small action to get you back on the road to feeling better.
5. Be grateful.
Take some time every day to focus on all the wonderful things you already have in your life.
Even though you may feel you have nothing to be grateful for, I promise you, you are surrounded by an abundance of miracles. The trick is to seek out the little luxuries in your day, the moments of unexpected joy, the color, sound, and beauty of the world around you. Find them and then celebrate them all with a full heart.
As you go through your day, look for things that feel good. Revel in things like the warmth and comfort of a quilt around your shoulders, the beat of your favorite music, the splendor of the morning sky, the juicy sweetness of a crisp apple.
See how many of these incredible things you can find. Make it a game to find more of those things today than you did yesterday. Play the game with people around you and see how this one simple activity changes your life.
If you’re still having trouble coming up with the good things in your life, complete these phrases:
I enjoy seeing…
I enjoy hearing….
I enjoy doing….
I enjoy knowing….
I enjoy being with….
I’m so glad about….
I love….
I’m so glad I can….
I’m grateful for…
I’m looking forward to…
When you start looking for, and talking about, things you’re grateful for, you’ll begin to welcome more of those wonderful things into your life.
6. Look up and breathe.
Finally, when you’re anxious, depressed, or at your wit’s end, all you have to do to instantly feel better is look up. Simply raise your gaze to the sky or ceiling or whatever is over your head. Take a moment to feel a connection to the universe.
Then draw a breath deep into your belly. As you continue to breathe deeply, feel a sense of relaxation begin in your shoulders and work its way down your spine. Feel your muscles soften as a sense of ease fills your body.
With your next inhale, repeat the phrase, “I now fill my body with peace and light.” As you exhale, feel your body soften and relax as you repeat to yourself, “I let go of the weight of fear and worry.”
Repeat until you are completely relaxed. Then take that sense of peace into your day, knowing you can repeat this technique as many times as you wish to bring this sense of peace into your heart, no matter what is going on around you.
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It may not be possible to avoid the dark days in life, but it’s always possible to bring some light into that darkness and peace into your soul, by choosing acceptance, gratitude, focus, and love.
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9 Easy Ways You Can Speak Your Truth Today
“We are constantly invited to be who we are.” ~Henry David Thoreau
When your circumstances invite you to present your true self to others, do you accept the invitation?
I think of authentic communication as sharing the unfiltered essence of ourselves with others, including our identities, feelings, needs, boundaries, and desires.
It’s taken me many years to learn how to communicate this way. I’ve written in prior posts that speaking my truth once felt like an insurmountable challenge, like rolling an elephant up a hill or finding another living being who actually likes Nickelback. (Anyone? No?)
I was plagued by inauthenticity.
I would leave conflicts wishing I’d spoken up for myself; leave social settings feeling totally drained; over-commit to obligations and under-commit to activities that brought me joy; agree to be intimate with people, only to later regret my decision; and give more than I received in the majority of my relationships.
Somewhere beneath the layers of people-pleasing, white lies, and insecurity, I knew there was a bold, confident, self-actualized woman. I wanted, more than anything, to become her.
On the journey to becoming that woman, I have learned that authentic communication is like working a muscle: hard at first, but ever easier with exercise.
As with all exercises, you don’t run the 400 meter dash right out the of gates. You stretch; you jog a lap; you warm up.
Here are nine easy ways you can warm up your authenticity muscle today to prepare for a lifetime of authentic communication.
1. Name how you feel, right now, as you read this.
“There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life.” ~Tara Brach
Let’s start off on the right foot. Take thirty seconds to reflect on how you feel right now. Notice what’s going on in your heart; notice what type of tension you might be carrying in your neck and shoulders; notice how it feels to let a deep breath land in your chest.
Perhaps you’ve been operating on autopilot since the moment you woke up and reached for your phone. Perhaps you’ve stumbled down an Internet wormhole, and this is the first time in hours you’ve remembered you have a body. In order to communicate your feelings authentically, you first must know how you feel.
2. When a friend/family member/barista asks how you are, tell them the truth.
“The speaking will get easier and easier. And you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never had realized you had… And at last you’ll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking.” ~Audre Lorde
Social convention tells us that there are only two acceptable answers to the question “How are you?” “Good” and “Fine.” This is a microcosmic example of our cultural disdain for sharing our authentic feelings. Nonetheless, the habit persists.
Remember: Inauthenticity breeds inauthenticity. Authenticity breeds authenticity. Give yourself permission to say “I’m a little sad today, but I’m hanging in there” or “I’m fantastic; today’s been an inspiring day” or “I’m so stressed I can’t even feel my face.”
Whatever’s going on for you, give yourself permission to share it. These small moments of authenticity replace the loneliness of emotional isolation with the belonging of vulnerability, and allow you to receive others’ gifts in the form of compassion and empathy.
3. If you have nothing to say, embrace the silence.
“To become authentic, we require a thirst for freedom.” ~Don Mateo Sol
As a recovering people-pleaser, I spent much of my life believing it was my responsibility to facilitate, or ease the tension in, conversations. For many years, I feared “awkward silences” the way someone else might fear spiders or clowns.
First dates, group gatherings, work parties, and girls’ nights found me paving endless roads of conversation. For every answer, I had a follow-up question, and in every second-long pause, I rushed to find a story to tell.
Eventually, I realized that my silence-avoidance only led to 1) complete emotional exhaustion, and 2) many moments where I looked back and wondered, “Why did I even say that? I don’t think cybernetics are interesting at all…”
Free yourself from the pressure to perform. Embrace the silence. Sometimes, the most authentic response is to say nothing at all.
4. When someone makes reference to a show, movie, or news story you haven’t seen, tell them you haven’t seen it.
“I have the right to say ‘I don’t know.’” ~Edmund Bourne
I warn every new friend that I am pop-culture illiterate. If you name a TV series, movie, actor, actress, or rising pop star, the odds are I have no idea who she/he/they are. (I’m pleased to report that last week, I watched The Godfather, and on my list for next week is Breaking Bad. I’m making progress in this department.)
Anyhow, in the past, when friends made reference to such icons in conversation, I often feigned familiarity to help the conversation flow more easily. These were totally inconsequential white lies, right?
I’m not so sure. White lies add up, like small bricks laying the foundation for a falsified persona. I hyperbolized my knowledge because I wanted to feel a sense of belonging. (Nothing malicious about that: we all want to belong!) But presenting a false self in order to feel a sense of belonging doesn’t generate a real sense of belonging. It simply makes our authentic selves feel less acceptable.
Tell your friends you haven’t seen the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Liberate yourself from the impossible responsibility of being all-knowing.
5. When someone asks your preference on a simple matter, tell them the truth.
“You denying your heart’s desires is not noble. It’s a waste of some damn good desires.” ~Jen Sincero
If you really pay attention, you’ll find that your daily life is chock full o’ simple, tiny choices, like:
Where do you want to go for dinner?
What do you want to watch on Netflix?
Where should we meet?
What are you in the mood for?
In the past, my de facto response was: “I don’t care.” (Can you relate?) But by “I don’t care,” what I really meant was: “I really want a burrito, but what matters more to me is that you’re happy with where we get dinner. I would rather sacrifice that burrito and deal with less-than-satisfying pizza than bear the burden of your disappointment. So can you pick?”
The truth is, I did have a preference. It was just buried under layers of people-pleasing.
Get in the habit of honoring your preferences, even if they’re seemingly inconsequential. After all, today it’s what to watch on Netflix, but a year from now, it might be what city to move to, or whether or not to have a second kid, or what to do with your lottery winnings.
6. Tell someone you care for that you care for them.
“Courage is like a muscle. We strengthen it by use.” ~Ruth Gordon
A lot of literature around authenticity and truth-telling centralizes around saying no, boundary-setting, and self-care. That’s all well and good, but true authentic communication addresses both sides of the vulnerability coin: speaking truths that are hard, painful, or have the potential to distance others, and speaking truths that are intimate, loving, and have the potential to bring people closer. Such truths are equally courageous.
When we communicate care for others, we expose the soft underbelly of our hearts. We acquiesce omnipotence over our own emotional state and give another person the power to affect us, sometimes deeply.
Today, take a moment to tell someone you care for them. It could be your mom, your coworker, or your mailman. Let that sweet heart of yours peek out from its shell.
7. Acknowledge one thing you really want.
“A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want.” ~Madonna
There are a lot of things I want. I want a new blender. I want to enjoy my own company more. I want more friends. I want to make six figures. I want to spend less time working—on my business and on myself—and more time having fun.
Our desires are a critical part of who we are. They reflect our values and our identities. When we’re not in touch with our own desires, we’re susceptible to putting others’ needs before our own.
If you’ve been out of touch with your own desires for a long time, saying even one thing you want—something as life-altering as a new job or as contrived as a new blender—can be scary and revolutionary. For now, give yourself permission not to worry about how you might get it. Just notice how it feels, to really want this thing you want.
8. For fifteen minutes, be without technology. Bonus points if you’re in nature.
“If you want more time, freedom, and energy, start saying no.” ~Unknown
At our core, we humans are intrinsically creative and innovative. However, it’s challenging to summon our deepest, truest, most authentic selves when we’re bombarded with stimuli from every direction. Many of us spend hours every day merely skimming the surface of life, hopping from app to screen to notification.
In such a state, we’re not thinking deeply. We’re hardly here at all. If we’re constantly in response-mode, how can our inner selves emerge?
For fifteen minutes, sequester yourself. No phone, no screen, no TV. You can drink your coffee while staring out the window. You can sit on the carpet and stretch your legs. You can go sniff your flowers, or dive nose-first into the green, green grass. Give your mind the space to explore uncharted territory, and watch with curiosity what arises.
9. If you feel uncomfortable, scared, resentful, sad, angry, or guilty, name it.
“Don’t light yourself on fire trying to brighten someone else’s existence.” ~Charlotte Erickson
Make your way to any water cooler or happy hour and you’ll find plenty of folks complaining, comparing, and airing their grievances. But genuine expressions of hurt, discomfort, and sadness are far rarer.
Growing up, I made it my mission to brighten my loved ones’ days and hold space for their unhappiness. With time (and therapy), I realized that “The bubbly one” was a role I had assigned myself—not my God-given duty.
After so many years of tampering down my sadnesses as if they were pests, I needed to retrain my brain and body to notice my own discomfort.
Today, give yourself permission to acknowledge when you feel off. You can write how you’re feeling on a post-it note or simply whisper the words “I feel sad.”
The inner liberation that comes as a result of this simple acknowledgement can feel enormous. It removes the conflict between what you feel and what you portray to the world around you, which is what authentic communication is all about.
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Authentic communication has made my life simpler. No longer do I spend precious moments juggling my false personas and my little white lies. Working this muscle has been worth every growing pain because it’s enabled me to live in alignment with my inner truth and find freedom, self-respect, and confidence along the way.
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What to Do When You Feel Stuck, Stagnant, and Bored with Your Life
“Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place.” ~L.J. Vanier
Earlier last year, I felt like I finally had it all. Good education? Check. Respectable corporate job? Check. Decent salary? Check. Fancy car? Check. Charming, funny, and handsome boyfriend? Check. Stylish apartment? Check.
I should’ve been happy. So why didn’t I feel like I was? My life looked perfect on paper. So why did it still feel so empty? I’d done everything I thought I was supposed to. So why did I feel like a fraud? I had everything I’d ever wanted. So why didn’t it feel like enough?
The answer is simple: I’d been too busy trying to curate a life that looked good on the outside to recognize how I felt on the inside. I’d been too busy trying to be who other people wanted me to be to realize who I actually was. I’d been too busy trying to seem important to identify what was actually important to me.
I’d been too busy blindly going through the motions to realize that I was settling for jobs that didn’t align with my dreams, relationships that didn’t align with my needs, and a lifestyle that didn’t align with my values.
For years, I’d been running on autopilot, my perpetual action serving as a convenient distraction. And it worked. Right up until the moment that I unpacked the last box on the day that my boyfriend and I moved in together.
Because, as I sat there in our big, beautiful apartment, looking around at the designer furniture that I’d so carefully picked out and the face of the man that I’d not-so-carefully chosen to spend my life with, it hit me: Everything that I’d spent so long dreaming about was here, firmly within my grasp. It was a moment that had I had always fantasized about. But this was not how I imagined I would feel.
At first, I put it down to situational jitters. Sure, I was crippled with anxiety, paralyzed by fear, and plagued with self-doubt most of the time, but that’s normal, right? It was a big transition, after all.
And admitting to myself that something wasn’t working would mean making changes. Admitting to myself that I’d chosen the wrong path would mean stepping into the unknown. Admitting to myself that I wasn’t happy would mean taking responsibility. And I sure as hell wasn’t ready to do that.
But with each hollow day and each sleepless night that passed, the feelings of dread, dissatisfaction, and emptiness only grew more and more unshakable.
It wasn’t until the facade inevitably collapsed and I found myself single, unemployed, and moving back in with my parents that I realized: Those feelings weren’t a coincidence. They were a warning. A flashing, neon-lit sign that something was very, very wrong.
The truth is, no amount of external approval can truly satisfy us. No amount of material excess can rescue us from our feelings. No amount of romantic attention can make our problems go away. And no amount of hedonistic thrills can fill the void of a soul that’s been neglected.
For my entire adult life, I’d consistently and consciously chosen money over meaning, chemistry over connection, and validation over truth—and now I was paying the price.
When the objects and attachments that had long awarded me the illusion of safety, purpose, and identity were gone, suddenly, I was unanchored, drifting and directionless, grasping for anything to save me from drowning in the sea of emptiness that stretched before me.
I knew that I should be doing something with my life. But what? I had no hobbies, no interests, and no passions. I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, let alone what I wanted to do.
Besides, I was too shy, too cautious, too boring. People like me don’t do brave and adventurous things like starting a blog or becoming a yoga teacher or traveling the world. People like me conform and comply and consent to the life that has been prescribed to them.
But rock bottom is a bittersweet place. Because when you find yourself face-to-face with your fears, you have no choice but to overcome them. When you no longer know who you are, you have no choice but to rediscover yourself. And when your entire life has fallen apart, you have no choice but to rebuild it.
A spiritual awakening, an early-life crisis, a dark night of the soul—call it what you want. All I know is that, up until that point, it felt like I had been asleep, and I was finally starting to wake up. And the world didn’t seem so scary anymore. In fact, it seemed full of exciting possibilities.
For the first time in my life, I felt alive and ready to follow my heart.
So began a magical journey of self-discovery. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, like a seed sprouting into a plant, like a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly, I was reborn. And this new life that I’ve created is far better than the one that I left behind.
The thing is, the minute I loosened my grip on the plans I had for the future, the minute I released the self-limiting beliefs that had dictated the way that I lived, the minute I shed the fictional expectations I’d placed on myself, I was liberated. Liberated from the life that had been crushing my hopes, repressing my dreams, sapping my spirit, and bankrupting my soul.
The minute I gave myself permission to be me is the minute that I learned the true meaning of freedom.
This last year, I’ve seen places that I never thought I would, done things that I never thought I could, and changed in ways that I didn’t think possible.
I’ve launched a blog, joined a yoga course, taken a solo backpacking trip, taught myself new skills, made new friends and connections, started new hobbies, and set myself goals. I’ve said goodbye to the corporate world that was corrupting my values, the unhealthy relationships that were dragging me down, and the destructive habits that were holding me back.
And I haven’t looked back since.
So what can you do if you find yourself sleepwalking through life, feeling stuck, stagnant, dazed, and disconnected?
Slow down.
You don’t have to make any decisions right away. In fact, the more time you take, the better.
You can’t make effective choices if you’re afraid. You can’t make accurate assessments if you’re checked out. And you can’t discover what’s really meaningful to you if you’ve lost touch with your emotions.
So give yourself space. Make self-care a priority. Tune in to yourself.
And the answers that you’ve been looking for? You’ll probably find that they’ve been right there inside of you all along. Chances are, you just haven’t been paying attention.
Stop comparing.
Too often, we allow ourselves to fall into the trap of measuring ourselves against others. And with Instagram feeds inundated with skinny waistlines, flashy cocktail bars, exotic adventures, and picture-perfect families, who can really blame us?
But just because something is right for someone else doesn’t mean that it’s right for you. Just because someone else seems like they’ve got it together doesn’t mean that they do. And just because the grass looks greener on the other side doesn’t mean that it is.
So stop comparing your chapter one to someone else’s chapter twenty. Own your mess. Know that you are enough, imperfections and all.
Get to know yourself.
In the midst of my personal crisis, I would spend hours trawling the Internet, frantically Googling things like “how do I find my passion?” But I learned that your passion isn’t something you find. It isn’t something you discover overnight. And it isn’t something that has the power to change your life. Only you can do that.
Life isn’t about finding your passion. It’s about being curious. Curious about who you are, about what you have to offer the world, and about what’s deeply and authentically important to you.
So get introspective. Explore new things. Learn what lights you up.
Ask yourself: What are your hobbies? What topics are you interested in? What are you good at? What are your values? Who do you admire and why? What have you always wanted to try but never had the money/time/courage to do? What activities did you enjoy as a child?
And if you find something that scares you and excites you at the same time, do that.
Let go.
Nothing in life is permanent. Everything is changing all of the time. And the more you resist, the more you cling, the more you struggle against reality, the more you’re going to suffer.
The reality is, most of what happens in life is out of your control. And in attempting to change, force, or manipulate your circumstances to meet your ideals, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.
But if you learn how to relax with the uncertainty, how to surrender to the natural flow of life, and how to release what no longer serves you, you’re going to make way for what will serve you. So let go of the old blueprint you had for your life, the expectations that you set for yourself, and the idea that the past could or should have been different.
Be open to change. Allow things to fall away. Trust that things will unfold as they are supposed to.
Be true to yourself.
This is your life. It’s up to you to decide what you do with it.
The only thing standing between you and your dreams is you. And if you let your fears dictate your choices, if you let external opinions govern your actions, and if you let negative thoughts influence your beliefs, you’ll end up settling for what’s comfortable for you instead of what’s best for you.
So stop getting in your own way. Define what success means to you and say no to everything that isn’t that. Don’t be afraid to share your gifts with the world—because we’re waiting.
We might not be able to choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we spend our time on this Earth.
We can choose to spend it working toward our dreams, or we can choose to spend it working toward someone else’s.
We can choose to spend it doing something that is meaningful to us, or we can choose to spend it doing something that is meaningful to someone else.
We can choose to spend it following our hearts, or we can choose to spend it helping someone else to follow theirs.
I know what I’d rather be doing. Do you?
“There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky, and you ask ‘What if I fall?’ Oh but my darling, what if you fly.” ~Eric Hanson
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How to Reach Your Goal (And Why Three People Showing Up Isn’t Failure)
“If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.” ~Wayne Dyer
I’ve been part of a social meet-up group for the past few years, one that’s helped me through tricky times like quitting my job, dealing with anxiety, and having my first baby. When I first joined the group, there were three people who attended the events. (Yes, you read that correctly—three people!)
There were lots of people in the group itself, but only three of us would regularly attend monthly events. It meant that if one of us couldn’t make the meet-up, we would have to cancel the whole thing (or it would be a rather intimate evening).
And yet, in the last year, the monthly attendance has quadrupled. (Admittedly, that only takes us to twelve people… but that’s still a 300% increase!)
Not bad in a year (and anyone who’s organized an event knows how hard it can be to get people to actually show up). And we’re talking twelve “regulars”—people who love the meet-ups, and who come back time and time again, enthusiastic and inspired.
Plus, our attendance is still growing, and interest is mounting. Who knows where we’ll be in a year’s time!
As we tested out ways to increase our numbers, I realized that the lessons I was learning could be applied to life—not just to meet-up groups. I started using them in my own life, with great benefit.
I realized that anyone going after a goal or project could use these strategies (and most of us are going after a goal, in some form or other).
So here are five lessons I learned about getting what you want, as taught to me by our small (but ambitious) meet-up group:
1. Be patient; play the long game.
When we set out to increase numbers, we didn’t get disheartened if we didn’t see results straight away. We knew the long game was the most important thing. The first meet-up had four attendees. The next one had five. Then we went down to four again. It took a year for us to get more than ten regular members, and to really notice how the group had changed.
A year can sometimes seem like a long time when you’re pursuing a goal or dream. But the time will pass anyway! Why not spend it doing something you love or are really passionate about?
2. Do things that scare you every now and then.
One of the ways we increased attendance was by messaging every single member of the group—to say hi, tell them about the monthly events, and to ask if there were specific reasons why they hadn’t attended in the past.
At first, this felt scary. Are we bothering them? Will they tell us to go away? Or will we hear something bad about the events? It’s daunting reaching out to people you don’t know, and putting yourself out there.
And yet, more often than not, it’s the best thing we can do! Let’s face it, if the things you’re doing currently aren’t working, then you might as well change it up. Try something new. What have you got to lose?
Pressing “send” on that email, or saying yes to that call might feel scary for a few minutes, but imagine how great it would feel if you got the thing(s) you wanted. Are a few minutes of discomfort worth it for long-term progress or growth? I’d say so.
3. Remember that things grow exponentially (one thing leads to another).
The best thing about taking action is the snowball effect: your action sets off another action, which sets off another. And before you know it, you’re storming ahead.
With our group, as more members attended, we could post more photos of our events (that didn’t show the same three people hanging out!) And as more people saw our photos and started coming to events, they told friends about it and invited them too.
It’s the same with goals or projects. You might nervously share a few of your blog posts and think nothing is happening; you’re not gaining any traction. But you never know what’s happening out in the ether. Perhaps one of your posts resonated with a local professor, who shares it with her colleagues, who share it with their friends…
The fact is, you never know what’s going on behind the scenes. So take an action step, and then another, and let the momentum build!
4. Ask for help.
No one does anything worthwhile alone. There’s always a team involved.
The three of us emailed group members, posted on our Facebook wall, and spread the word however we could. We contacted friends. We held brainstorming sessions for ideas. We sought advice from peers and local event leaders.
The best thing about asking for help is that most people want to help. In fact, they love it! Think about the times that you’re asked for advice. Do you get annoyed by it, or does your chest puff out ever so slightly?!
Use the resources around you. Don’t be afraid to do so—because when the tables are turned, you may well be able to help in return.
5. Be passionate about it.
I’ve left this one till last because it’s the most important one, in my opinion. Be passionate about what you’re doing.
The three of us in the group really believe in what we’re doing. We love holding the events. We love the sense of community we’ve created. And we’re so passionate about what we’re doing that we work on it—willingly—in our spare time.
If you’re working on a goal or project and not feeling passion toward it at all, why are you doing it? Are you doing it for someone else, or to look good?
Things are so much easier when we enjoy doing them. So choose wisely. Choose things you’re passionate about. And then during the tough times or dips (which do happen) you’ll be more likely to keep going, and you’ll feel even more committed when you come out the other side.
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What Happens When We Compromise Our Core Values
“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” ~Roy E. Disney
I got out of the car and could immediately tell that something was amiss. There were far too many glum-looking people milling around outside the building my meeting was scheduled to take place in. I worked for Yellow Pages at the time, and I regularly met with business owners who were interested in placing ads.
At that moment two burly men exited through the warehouse adjoining the office carrying a filing cabinet. A man who was carrying what looked like a paper shredder followed them.
There were probably ten men, most of whom were wearing coveralls, stood around smoking, talking in hushed tones and generally looking despondent
I turned around to look at my manager. She shrugged and motioned for me to go into the office.
At this point the veil lifted and I realized what was going on. The men carrying out the office furniture were repo men, or bailiffs as we call them in the UK. The other people outside were staff members who by now were starting to realize they were possibly no longer in employment.
I stopped in the office doorway and again turned to my manager looking for a cue that it was okay to pivot and leave, but I didn’t get one.
Instead, she nodded toward the clearly anxious business owner, leaned into me, and whispered into my ear, “Quick, get him to sign the order while he still has a desk to lean on.” She wasn’t joking and I was momentarily stunned.
I knew that the owner would probably sign because he had nothing to lose. If he went bankrupt he wouldn’t have to pay the bill. And if he managed to survive he would need to renew the advert he had previously placed with us to generate business—though he likely still wouldn’t pay, given the circumstances.
Many years ago, when I was about eleven years old, I was trying to fit in with some boys a year or so older than me.
It was near the beginning of my first year at a big, new school. I had few friends close to me because those of us who had moved up together had been split up in different classes across the entire year. As such, I was eager to please the other new boys in my class so I could feel included.
I had latched onto a group of about four others, and we were walking home from school one late afternoon.
As was already common practice, we stopped to go into a small convenience store that sold everything from fruit and vegetables to the more desirable candy.
In those days, we all wore school uniforms, and I had on a new blazer that was a bit too big for me, making me look a bit like Paddington Bear minus the marmalade sandwich under my hat.
I was wandering around the store, ruing the fact that I didn’t have any money to buy anything lovely and sweet, when suddenly I felt something heavy drop into the right-hand pocket of my blazer. I nervously looked down and could see an orange nestled neatly in the pocket.
I looked back up to see one of the other boys grinning at me. He put his finger to his lips and gently pushed me toward the door with his other hand, obviously wanting me to leave with the ‘free’ orange.
I immediately felt sick with nerves.
I’d never stolen anything in my life, and this didn’t feel good at all. Neither did the thought of my trying to put the orange back and getting caught. Or, even telling the store owner that my new friend was encouraging me to steal his produce.
I must have had guilt written all over my face because I was barely a half dozen paces through the door when I felt a large hand on my shoulder.
I spun round hoping it was my friend but deep down knew it wasn’t.
My worst fears were realized as I faced the angry storeowner, who immediately thrust his hand into my pocket and pulled out the errant orange. I was so anxious that I had to fight the urge to throw up all over the man’s shoes.
He brandished the citrus reticulata in front of my face and said, “What do you think you’re doing with this? Are you a thief? I’m going to call your parents.”
I could barely talk, I was so frightened. My fear intensified as I saw my new friends walk off laughing, obviously not in the least bit concerned by my predicament.
To the best of my knowledge, that was the first time I was introduced to core values and their crucial importance in our lives.
It was a chastening experience explaining to my parents why I’d done such a thing, after they had been called to collect me.
They felt let down, but probably more importantly, I felt I’d let myself down to such an extent that I vowed I would never allow myself to get dragged into such behavior again.
I value honesty and integrity, and I’d demonstrated neither. Of course, I had no idea at that age what core values were. I just knew something was badly amiss.
As I stood in the doorway to the office, years later, the orange stealing incident came flooding back to me in glorious technicolor. Only this time there was no desire to fit in and no need for external validation.
I was well aware why my manager wanted a signature on the order. She knew, irrespective of whether the guy would ever pay—he clearly wouldn’t—that she would still earn a financial bonus and the ‘sale’ would go toward her target for that campaign. It would be a great many months before our employer realized they were probably never going to get paid.
Enough was enough. I turned round and walked passed her, thrusting the order into her hand, and hissed, “You sign him up.”
I knew she wouldn’t. It was one thing having my counter signature on an order that defaulted, but quite another to have a manager sign off on it.
As I walked back to the car I knew I was done.
I was done with a manager who had zero integrity. Done with a company that only cared about its bottom line. And done with an entire industry that seemed interested in one thing and one thing only, generating revenue.
Prior to that day I’d had what many people would consider a successful career. I earned excellent money, won numerous sales awards, and was a team player who was always looking to help my colleagues.
From the outside looking in, I was a success.
But the problem with success is that it doesn’t have an objective definition. We define our own success, not other people. Unless that is, we foolishly allow them to.
Which would you consider a successful life: living in alignment with your values and doing work you truly believe is meaningful, or earning loads of cash doing work that leaves you feeling conflicted?
If you truly value family, should you really accept that job that will take you away on business half the time?
If integrity is paramount to your sense of well-being, should you really make false claims on your taxes or exaggerate your work expense report?
And thinking beyond work, if peace is critical to you, is it wise to get involved in petty online squabbles and neglect your meditation practice?
Commit today to figuring out your own core vales by asking yourself:
“What is important to me?”
Then, when you have an answer, follow up with the question:
“What does that give me?”
Write that down and irrespective of the answer make the same inquiry again:
“What does that (new word) give me?”
Then write that down.
And keep going until you cannot think of anything else or you start to give the same answers and end up in a loop.
Then start the process again by asking, “What is important to me?”
The reason you need to keep drilling down is to make sure you hit a value.
For example, if the answer to the original question is money, then that’s not a value. Money can never be a value.
If I gave you a million dollars under the condition you could never spend it, invest it, or give it away—you could only look at it—would you want it?
Of course not.
We all want money because of what we think it can give us. Maybe that is security, freedom, or maybe even peace of mind. They are the values.
When you have figured out your top eight or more values, the easy part is over because now you need to start asking yourself some tough questions.
Does my job align with my values?
Do my friends (for the most part) align with my values?
Do my habits align with my values?
Do my thoughts align with my values?
If the answer to one or more of the above is no, then some work is called for because there is little point knowing your values if you don’t live them.
As an eleven-year-old I didn’t appreciate core values. I couldn’t have told you that the reason I was so distressed about Orangegate was because integrity was super important to me.
I also didn’t realize the situation was exacerbated by the fact that I highly value independence and following my own path.
But, I didn’t have the excuse of youth as a forty-year-old. And I knew it.
Even though in my mind I was done with sales on that day, it took me another year or so before I finally found a new career that aligned with my most important values.
And, it would take another decade of working for myself before my income would be back up to my previous level.
Nevertheless, I didn’t care, because, even though I didn’t have the disposable income I was used to, I had something much more important and much more valuable.
And that was a profound feeling that I was successful based not upon income, but on being true to my values.
We all need money and most people like status, but nothing gives us that innate sense of peace and contentedness like living in alignment with our core values.
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3 Thoughts That Bring Me Hope, Perspective, Peace, and Strength
“Wake up today knowing that whatever happens, you can handle it.” ~Unknown
Tears filled my eyes, and an angry wave of despair washed over me. I just wanted to wear the jeans I had worn for a couple years. The cute ones with the jewels and deep pockets.
I’m guessing many of you can relate; clothes don’t always fit the way we want them to.
Four years ago, a doctor told me I was dying because of anorexia. It’s been a long journey, a story for another day, but I am here and I am alive.
This past year, I finally reached the weight that doctors had been urging me to reach for four years. I dug in, worked with a life coach, and I did it! I finally healed. But wait, shouldn’t the healing process feel great? Shouldn’t I feel proud instead of pudgy?
I should be proud, and I am; yet I still find myself battling with the voice that whispers, “You’re not good enough. You’ll never be enough.” And perhaps that’s what frustrates me the most about my negative attitude some days. Everyone would be proud if they knew why I put on twenty pounds this year, but I am neither eager nor vaguely willing to disclose everything.
It would be convenient if everything were permanently sunshine and roses after we reach a goal, but this is just not the case oftentimes. We reach a goal, and then more challenges arise. That’s okay. That’s life.
In my moments of shame, when I want to crawl under my bed and hide from the world, there are three thoughts that pull me out and help me find hope and perspective. The more I live, the more I am convinced that living fully is a just a matter of perspective. It’s not about taking certain actions or reaching specific results; it’s about experiencing life through an open and positive perspective.
You are a fighter. Whatever you’re going through, may these three thoughts bring you peace and help you find strength.
1. This is temporary.
My mom always told me, “You will not always feel this way.” And she was right. Happiness, sadness, anger—it all passes.
In my own battle with body image and feeling discouraged by my bigger jeans or curvier figure, this thought gives me so much hope. As real as discouraging feelings feel, they are only part of the picture.
At other moments, I could care less about what my jeans look like, much less the number on the tag (which no one sees by the way). I’m too caught up in enjoying the sunshine outside, hiking on the weekends with friends, focusing on my job, and planning lessons for my students.
There are moments when I feel comfortable in my skin, when I feel at peace. These moments give me hope that any temporary feeling, no matter how strong and painful, will pass. That feeling will pass. Afterall, after a good workout, or a refreshing night’s sleep, or a good shower, don’t you feel like a new creature?
Everything is temporary. Every hard week at work, every hellish project, or stressful trip to the in-laws, it will pass. You are resilient, and you can ride this wave knowing it will wash on shore to the sandy beach eventually.
2. Expect good things.
This thought has changed my mornings. I wake up and tell myself to expect good things for the day. Maybe this seems like a no-brainer, but it’s a far stretch from how I formerly approached life—expecting the worst and battling with anxiety and fear about going to work or accomplishing everything.
Repeating “Expect good things” to myself has helped me notice the good things in my life.
I think awareness is powerful. If we remind ourselves to “expect good things,” we’re more apt to consciously look for them (for example, the sunshine, the flowers blooming, that stranger who held the door open).
Beyond noticing good things, we’re more likely to create them when we expect them to happen. The expectation makes us braver, more compassionate, and more love-filled.
If you don’t believe me, try it. I’ve found that it takes a certain pressure off my day when I trust that good things will happen. I feel more space for love, for creativity.
As a teacher, I tell myself to “expect good things” in the classroom. It helps me create more authentic dialogue, to trust that my students will be engaged and have valuable ideas to offer.
Finally, expect a healthy relationship between your mind and body. Maybe you’re asking, how? Sure, you can wish you were a different weight. A different jean size. Naturally hourglass-shaped. Whatever your ideal shape is.
But what if you expected to have a good relationship with your body and an enjoyable life right now, not after you’ve reached a certain size or diet? You get to pick the kind of attitude you cultivate with yourself, much like you cultivate a certain relationship with the people you love.
I can fight myself for gaining weight to be at my body’s natural set point, or I can “expect good things” at this (or any healthy) weight. More love. More adventures. More mental energy to do the things that I truly care about: learning, teaching, laughing, spending time with those I love.
We get to choose. Expect good things.
3. Find something to be excited about every day.
Sometimes, when I’ve been told to focus on gratitude, I feel guilty. Wow, I have an amazing partner, family, job… yet, I feel so ungrateful or unappreciative. When I focus on the things that excite me, however, I feel less guilty and just plain happier.
When I focus on what brings me joy, I’m able to focus less on my body and more on what I value. Again, learning, teaching, experiencing the community I’m in, spending time with the people I love. Memories that will last longer than jeans.
Maybe you’re excited about an upcoming vacation. Maybe you know you can go home and walk your dog. Maybe your children bring you joy. Maybe it’s a beautiful day and you can see the flowers blooming. There’s something that excites you in life. Focus on these things and you’ll likely feel less weighed down by your struggles.
I know that’s been true for me. Though I sometimes fixate on my size, what I really want isn’t to fit into those jeans. I want to feel strong and confident, and to have a perspective that embraces life and shares joy with others.
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I don’t know what your story is, but I promise you’re not alone. You can face whatever you’re going through. It doesn’t have to be pretty or perfect. You don’t have to feel like a superhero. In my experience, the healing process is messy. It doesn’t have an uplifting soundtrack like in the movies. But you can do it. I promise. Anchor yourself in hope. You will not always feel this way. Expect good things. And think about what excites you.
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What I Believe and Why My Life Is Better Because of It
“Seeing is not believing; believing is seeing! You see things, not as they are, but as you are.” ~Eric Butterworth
I didn’t always understand this, but I now know that my beliefs shape my experience of the world.
As I learned from Tony Robbins, our beliefs guide our choices, which ultimately create our results.
Our beliefs can either be a prison, keeping us trapped in negative thinking and behaviors, or they can be empowering and lead to courageous action and new possibilities.
For example, if you believe people are fundamentally bad, you may live life guarded, close yourself off to new relationships, and end up feeling lonely and bitter.
If you believe people are fundamentally good, you’ll try to see the best in them, develop close bonds with some of them, and end up feeling connected and supported, even if people occasionally disappoint you.
If you believe good things never happen for you and they never will, you’ll likely sit around feeling indignant and never make any effort.
If you believe the past doesn’t have to dictate the future, you’ll probably keep trying different things and eventually create possibilities for passion and purpose.
Same world, different beliefs, different choices—totally different results.
Knowing that I can choose what I believe, and that this can either fill my life with meaning or leave me feeling empty, I choose to believe the following:
1. Life happens for me, not to me.
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” ~Steve Jobs
Sometimes, it’s near impossible for me to believe this. I don’t expect anyone reading this to easily adopt this belief either. Because in those moments of pain and suffering, boy, it feels like life is happening to me, and it’s not even remotely helpful to think about how life could be happening for me. However, in time, as the clouds disperse and the pain passes, I’m able to look back and connect the dots.
Were it not for my mental health struggles, my personal development journey may have never began and I would never have grown into the strong person I am today.
Were it not for my string of failed romantic relationships, I never would have learned the power of loving myself first.
And although I sometimes struggle to see that life is happening for me, a deeper part of me knows it benefits me to believe this is true.
This deeper part encourages me to look back and connect the dots, and sometimes, in the midst of suffering, look for meaning in the moment by asking questions like: What lesson could this be teaching me? And what is the opportunity here?
This deeper part of me knows that, no matter what happens to me, I can choose the meaning I give to what’s happening and how I respond.
As Viktor E. Frankl wrote in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
When I believe life is happening to me, I feel like a helpless victim. Although there is no shame in feeling like a victim, I don’t want this to become my full-time identity.
Undeniably, life is hard, cruel, and tragic, but life is also beautiful. By choosing to believe life happens for me, I’m sometimes able to move from victim to victor.
2. More is possible than I currently think.
“Just remember, you never know what’s possible until you risk finding out.” ~Jasinda Wilder
When it comes to knowing what’s possible for me in my lifetime, I know nothing.
How could I? How could anybody else? Knowing requires me to be certain, and I know I’m certain more is possible than I think.
Human history teaches us the boundaries of possibility are forever being pushed. Or perhaps, it’s more accurate to say that our willingness to discover what is possible is forever being pushed.
Just think about how many Ideas were once considered impossible, even crazy!
Electricity, the Internet, putting humans on the moon!
As I look back over my own life, much has happened that at some point I thought was impossible, like speaking another language and being able to play the piano reasonably well.
This belief empowers me because it makes life feel like a never-ending adventure, a game, where I get to discover and challenge the boundaries of possibility for myself.
3. My life is about “we,” not just “me.”
“As we lose ourselves in the service of others we discover our own lives and our own happiness.” ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf
A wise friend of mine once advised me to “give away freely the very things I wish to receive.”
At the time, it seemed counterproductive. I mean, to give money even though I want to receive more. To offer praise to others when it was me who wanted to be praised. To make an effort to be more understanding when it was me who wished to feel understood.
Having faith in my friend, I decided to live life this way for a while, and so I gave away freely the very things I wished to receive without any expectations or hypotheses of what would happen.
I gave more money—to the homeless and sponsoring friends for events.
I gave praise—reaching out to people I love and admire, just to share my appreciation of them.
I gave my ear—listening non-judgmentally so I could better understand people.
I gave and gave and gave, and true to my friend’s advice, I received—so much more than what I’d given away.
I received a sense of connection to the world and to the people in it, a deeper connection than I’d ever felt before. I realized the idea of separation is, as spiritual teachers often suggest, an Illusion. We’re all connected to one another—tied together by something the eye can’t see but the heart can feel.
Through giving, through living in service of others, I received back abundantly, which helped me to form my third empowering belief, that life is about “we” and not just “me.”
What makes my belief so empowering is the sense of connection that comes from knowing my life is connected to yours and to every other life, tied and woven by forces greater than I know or understand.
This sense of connection alone gives my life meaning.
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My life is better because I choose to believe these three things, and I act on them. Which beliefs make your life better?
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7 Ways to Know If Your Sacrifices Are Worth It
“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.” ~Henry David Thoreau
Have you ever looked at the path you’ve chosen and questioned if your sacrifices have been worth it? If you’ve prioritized the “right” things, pursued worthy goals, and ultimately, made “good” choices?
Have you ever wondered if you’ll one day look back on your life and regret not only what you did, but also what you didn’t do, because maybe you’ll feel you wasted your time or somehow missed out on something important?
If you answered no to these questions, you’re my new hero. I admire anyone who lives with such presence they never question what they’re doing because they’re too busy living it.
But I, a consummate over-thinker, am not that person.
I started thinking about this just recently after listening to the second episode of Next Creator Up, a podcast I’m producing with my partner in many things and show host Ehren Prudhel.
In this interview, LA-based actress and filmmaker Melissa Center talked a little about what she’s had to sacrifice for her dreams. And though she got emotional when discussing the very different lives her friends and family are living—lives with houses, children, and financial security—she ultimately concluded that, for her, all the sacrifices have been worth it.
She explained her reasoning, and I admired her sense of certainty. Because I know how easy it is to doubt yourself in a culture that not only promotes the idea of “having it all” but also bombards us with images of people pursuing alternative, seemingly better paths.
I also know how hard it is to feel confident in our decisions, particularly because of many of us are disconnected from ourselves. If we don’t know what we stand for, it’s awfully hard to ascertain what’s worth prioritizing and what’s worth giving up.
With this in mind, I decided to create this list of ways to know if your sacrifices are worth it. A lot of this comes down to knowing yourself.
If you’ve been questioning your path, perhaps this will help you fully commit to it—or make the tough decision to change directions.
7 Ways to Know if Your Sacrifices Are Worth It
1. What you’re doing aligns with your values.
We all have different core values—things we stand for and regard as crucial for our overall life satisfaction.
When we live in alignment with our values, and honor them through our choices, we feel a sense of peace, even if our lives are sometimes challenging. When we we’re out of alignment, we feel internal conflict.
For example, my top values are freedom, creativity, adventure, family, and integrity.
I could never sacrifice my integrity to make money. Sure, I’d love to roll around on a bed full of cash, but the pain of acting without integrity would override the joy of financial abundance.
I could never choose a lifestyle that leaves little room for spontaneity or limits my ability to visit my family. No matter what the rewards of said lifestyle, I would ultimately feel conflicted and dissatisfied.
If your choices require you to sacrifice the things that matter most to you, regardless of the potential rewards, you will ultimately feel unfulfilled. If your sacrifices don’t threaten what’s most important to you—or at least not beyond the short-term—then they’re far more likely to feel worth it.
2. You’re living your own version of success.
Much like we all have our own values, we all have our own definition of success. Contrary to what our culture might suggest, there’s no one-size-fits-all scenario.
My grandmother, who was one of my greatest heroes, lived a life very different from mine to date. She lived all of her eighty-two years in the same city, married young and had four kids, and devoted every bit of her free time to her family.
She rarely traveled, didn’t have much money, and seemed perfectly content—ecstatic, even—to live the same day over and over again.
If you gave her a table crammed with her loud Italian kids and grandkids, and a big pot of pasta to feed them, she was happy.
Because she valued family, she never complained when caring for my grandfather, who ultimately lost both of his legs to diabetes. Caring for him took much of her time and energy, and she rarely did much for herself.
But this—this love, this loyalty, this generosity of spirit—this is what defined a successful life to her, so ultimately, it was all worth it.
Ask yourself what success looks like to you, and why. What do you do? What do you give? What do you gain?
If you’re living your own version of success, then the satisfaction of enjoying what you have likely far outweighs the pain of accepting what you lack.
3. You’re not trading happiness today for the hope of happiness tomorrow.
You may have read the story of the Mexican fisherman before, but if not, here’s a condensed version:
An American investment banker ran into a local fisherman in a small Mexican village and, seeing the several large tuna in his boat, asked the man how long it took him to catch them.
When the fisherman said it didn’t take long, the banker questioned why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more. The fisherman said he had enough to meet his family’s needs.
When asked what he did with the rest of his time, he answered, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”
Hearing this, the banker offered the fisherman his help in creating a business—so he could buy more boats, catch more fish, and eventually be at the helm of an empire. This would require him to relocate, but in fifteen to twenty years, he’d be rich.
The fisherman asked what he would do then, to which the banker responded, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
I think of this often when making life choices. If there’s nothing about an opportunity that excites me and fills me passion and purpose—if it’s solely about creating some ideal life down the road, or worse, meeting an ego need for success or validation—it’s most likely not worth my time and energy.
Stop and ask yourself: Is this is a process I can throw myself into with enthusiasm? Or am I sacrificing potential joy now in the hope of finding joy later?
4. You could be satisfied with your choice even if you didn’t reach your ideal outcome.
Building on the last point, you know your sacrifices are worth it if you could be content with your choices regardless of where they lead you.
If you need to make a certain amount of money, or reach your ideal goal exactly as you visualize it, to justify what you’ve given up, then you’re setting yourself up for potential heartache. Because there are no guarantees in life.
No matter how hard you work, how much time you devote, or how smart or talented you are, you could one day realize that your efforts didn’t pay off in the way you hoped they would.
Or, they could pay off for a while, and then something could change—you might have to switch gears to care for a loved one, or could lose everything due to circumstances you couldn’t possibly have predicted.
If you could look at the time spent and conclude it wasn’t wasted—because you enjoyed yourself, felt a sense of purpose, or made a difference for other people—then in the end, your sacrifices are more likely to feel worth it.
5. You’re still able to meet your needs, despite your sacrifices.
When asked what surprised him most about humanity, the Dalai Lama said, “Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
No rewards—monetary or otherwise—are worth sacrificing our physical, mental, and emotional well-being.
If you’re working so hard that you have little time to eat well, exercise, and get sufficient sleep—and you end up overweight, exhausted, and on track for a heart attack—would any reward or glory really justify it?
There are many things I would sacrifice for a cause I believe in or a dream that excites me—I don’t need luxuries, I don’t mind buying used, and I also don’t care if I own a car or a home.
But I won’t sacrifice the things I need to function at my best. I can’t be present, and I’m no good for anyone or anything, if I’m physically weakened and so stressed that I’m constantly ready to snap.
6. You only or mostly question your sacrifices when you compare yourself to other people.
Though I’ve sacrificed a sense of community because I’ve chosen a free-spirited, nomadic life of adventure, I don’t often regret the path I’ve taken for all the reasons listed above.
But every now and then I compare myself to other people and question if perhaps I should have what they have.
I see people on Facebook who are a lot like my grandmother—lifers in one town, well connected to many, dialed into local causes—and I wonder if I’ve prioritized the wrong things.
I’ve lived the life George Bailey fantasized about in the 1940’s holiday classic. But wasn’t his life lauded as somehow more wonderful than the life of an adventure-seeking dreamer and wanderer—and also far more meaningful?
I see old friends on Instagram building new memories with people they’ve hung around with for decades, and lament that, unlike them, I’d have a hard time creating a large bridal party if I were to ever get married.
Aren’t connections the most important thing in life? And do mine really count if they involve less face time—if I’m not at every family dinner, every holiday, and every milestone?
But when I put my phone down and dig my heels into my own life, I remember that no matter what I choose, it’s a choice not to do something else. No one has it all. And those who have what I lack likely envy and glamorize what I have at times, just like I sometimes romanticize their circumstances.
If you feel happy on the whole when you’re fully present on your path, and only question it when you take your eyes off the road, then odds are, your sacrifices are worth it.
7. Your current path brings you meaning.
We are all wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain—what positive psychologists refer to as hedonic happiness.
This is what we feel when we do something that boosts our mood, and it’s why we often chase varied highs. We sometimes think “the good life” means abundant leisure time, fun, and excitement. And those things are definitely awesome, which is why we’re often willing to make sacrifices in the present in the hope of having more of them in the future (see #3).
But there’s another kind of happiness that doesn’t depend on hedonistic pleasure. It’s called eudaimonic happiness.
This is what we experience when we have meaning in our lives. When we devote ourselves to something bigger than ourselves. When we take on new challenges, grow, and use our strengths to contribute to the greater good in some way.
If you’re doing something that feels deeply meaningful to you—if you’ve dedicated your life to a cause, you feel engaged in your devotion to it, and you feel proud of the impact you’re making—it will be a lot easier to make peace with sacrifices.
This might mean working at a non-profit that pays you very little but enables you to make a tangible difference in other people’s lives.
Or volunteering during your free time, which limits some of your social options but fills you with a sense of pride and purpose.
Or raising children and going without sometimes, knowing your sacrifices are directly benefitting them and enabling them to grow into strong, healthy people.
Ask yourself: Do I feel a sense of meaning? Am I proud of the person I’m being? Am I doing something that matters not just to me but also the world at large? Odds are, if you answer yes to these questions, you’ll look back without regret for what you gave up in order to give what you gave.
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The number of realities we each could be living is absolutely mind-blowing if you think about it. Change any one choice and, through the butterfly effect, our lives could look completely different.
And each of those little worlds would have its own gifts and challenges. In every possible scenario we’d have some rewards, some sacrifices, and some occasional doubts about whether the former justifies the latter.
The good news is, as long as we’re still breathing, it’s never too late to change directions. If ever we recognize we’re not being the people we want to be or doing what we really want to do, we can take a new path, or even pave one where there is none.
At any time we can decide to rebuild our lives around what we value, live our own version of success, and create a life of joy and meaning.
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If you’re interested in listening to Melissa’s interview, about her experiences with her short and first feature film and the sacrifices of being an artist, you can find it here. And if you haven’t heard the first episode yet, with singer/songwriter Kelley McRae, you can find it here.
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How Casual Dating Opened My Heart to Love
“Hopping from one relationship to another is not the way to find love. Slow down and give love a chance to find you.” ~Unknown
When I was younger, I was a serial monogamist.
I did the math recently and it turns out that once I started dating, I didn’t spend more than two weeks single at any point.
Then, after the end of my most serious relationship ever, I had a moment that changed everything.
My boyfriend and I hadn’t even been together a whole year, but I really thought he was the one, my soul mate. We had so much in common. We seemed to see eye-to-eye on everything. But then a stupid fight about birthday candles somehow blew up and ended our relationship.
I remember just standing behind the window the morning he left with a box of books under his arm. It was the end of October, and we’d just had the first snowfall of the year.
I kept thinking about the last Christmas we’d spent together, how he’d taken me snowshoeing for the first time. Our breath crystallized in the evening air.
Then I realized that that wasn’t actually him. That had actually been my previous partner before him. All my relationships had begun to blur together so I couldn’t tell where I ended and they began.
The idea of going out there again, into the cold dating world, seemed impossible. Even if it worked out, wouldn’t it just end up the same way?
I felt trapped.
When you keep getting what you think you want and you’re still not happy, you have to start asking yourself, what am I doing?
So instead of firing up Tinder, going to the bar, or texting someone, I made a different choice. I simply waited.
I realized that what was creating problems in my relationships wasn’t the fact that I couldn’t find my perfect match. It was my attitude.
I felt like I couldn’t be alone. I didn’t want to deal with life as a single woman. But the real problem was that I looked at life as a search for this idealized perfect partner that probably didn’t even exist.
Embrace Strength Over Fear
When I was jumping from relationship to relationship, I was making my decisions based on fear—I was trying to avoid pain rather than trying to embrace love.
I sometimes wonder how many of my relationships were twisted toward jealousy, insecurity, and conflict. How many people did I date that were simply wrong for me out of a fear of being alone?
And how much time did I waste clinging to those men, as if they were my only hope for happiness, when I not only had the power to be happy on my own, I could easily find other people to date if I tried?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one: There are plenty of fish in the sea. This is a cliché for a reason. There really are so many people out there that you could date a different person every week and never run out.
That’s not to say that we need to jump from superficial relationship to relationship. It just means we don’t need to suffocate our relationships with fear because we can trust that we’re strong enough to be alone and we’ll always have options for relationships in the future.
The Casual Dating Difference
Casual dating was always something I had avoided like the plague, but when I thought about it, I wasn’t sure exactly why. It was one of those things that you put into the category “sounds like fun, but it’s not for me.”
But after a few months of being intentionally single, I started to get lonely. I was proud of taking the time for myself, and I knew I didn’t want to dive back into a relationship just yet. Still, deep down, I know I thrive when I’m out in the world, meeting people, and getting to know them.
I knew I wanted to get back out there, but I wanted things to be different.
What Exactly Do I Mean by Casual Dating?
One reason that monogamy is the norm is that it’s something we can all wrap our heads around. Casual dating is a lot more vague because it means different things to different people.
I came at casual dating from a place of complete ignorance. Rather than being a drawback, this allowed me to create a definition of casual dating that worked for me.
Basically what it comes down to, for me, is non-exclusive, ongoing relationships with one or more people. I’m all about communication, but I prefer seeing people face-to-face. This means no texting, check-ins, or endless social media interactions.
I sometimes felt rude or callous putting these ground rules out to someone I’d just started seeing, but I place a lot of value in honesty, openness, and mutual respect. I found that, while this may have been a difficult conversation to have, it saved confusion and hurt feelings down the road.
I made sure the people I was seeing understood that this probably wasn’t going to lead to a more traditional relationship because I still wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t playing hard to get so that they had the chance to win my heart. I was enjoying their company and getting to know them, without any pressure on how our relationship would evolve—or if it would at all.
This actually enabled me to be more fully present with the people I was dating. By simply being open to new possibilities without clinging too tightly to any one person or relationship, you’re able to build something beautiful, moment by moment—whether this is with several people, only one, or even just yourself.
Casual dating can be a path to self-discovery and lead to a deeper, more healthy relationship if you do eventually decide to commit to one person.
The Casual Dating Checklist
1. Have clear intentions.
While many people choose casual dating to avoid having difficult conversations, this can lead to a negative experience for both parties. I advise you to be open with the people you’re seeing about what you’re looking for. This means figuring out what it is you want and what you have to offer another person rather that letting it go unsaid. First and foremost, this means being honest with yourself.
2. Slow it down.
Casual dating gets a bad wrap because some people think it’s synonymous with “sleeping around.” While there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re being safe and honest about your intentions, you can date casually without hopping right into bed.
In fact, when you’re dating someone casually you tend to see them less frequently, so things can unfold more slowly and naturally than with traditional relationships.
Beyond just sex, adopting a slower pace with casual dating can actually create a stronger and more real bond than strict monogamy. You’re less likely to get caught up in the “rush” of a new relationship and will instead be focused on actually getting to know them as a person.
3. Explore your options.
One of the biggest appeals of casual dating is the freedom it gives you to date outside of a narrow type. When we’re looking for someone to spend the rest of our life with, we tend to be less forgiving, accepting, and open to new experiences.
With that in mind, make sure to date new and different people. Be open to invites and attention from people you’d normally steer clear of.
4. Understand what you want and need.
Casual dating is about finding out what you want through experimenting so you don’t have to have things all figured out going into it. But make sure you’re being fair to yourself in these encounters. Don’t settle for people who mistreat you. Just because it’s non-traditional, doesn’t make you any less worthy of respect.
5. Know when things have run their course.
Whatever the circumstances, it’s good practice to be clear and honest with the people you’re seeing. Instead of ghosting, tell them how you feel. A lot of the problems that come with casual dating are in how it blurs lines between dating, sex, and relationships. When in doubt, speak out and make your feelings clear. If you’re going to end it, do it without any ambiguity.
And sometimes, things don’t have to end. I’m happy to say that, after a few years of keeping it casual, I’m back in a more traditional exclusive relationship.
At first, he was just one of several people I was seeing. We spent more and more time together and before long, I realized I wasn’t interested in dating anyone else. I just wanted to get to know him and only him.
While we are monogamous now, we did it by choice rather than obligation. This happened naturally and we both agreed upon it rather than it being simply the default.
What we have feels more real than anything I’ve had in the past. And I know that if it ends, I’ll be able to move forward. While I love him, and I love what we have, it’s finally loving myself and my freedom that has allowed me to be happy.
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Why I’m Done Standing on the Sidelines of Life
“If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done. Make at least one definite move daily toward your goal.” ~Bruce Lee
It’s easy to criticize others.
It’s easier to sit outside a situation than be in it.
Ironically, it’s easy to belittle someone else’s efforts without making any real effort ourselves.
The safe side of the ropes is an easier choice than committing to being in the ring, truly baring something. It’s also a softer option.
It’s much harder to have skin in the game.
It takes guts, and a healthy degree of get up and go, to put ourselves out there. To put our work and ideas out there with no guarantee they will gain any traction. To commit ourselves to competition, with no guarantees our hands will be raised in victory.
Personal Experiences: The ‘Writer’ Who Never Writes
I know all about living on the safe side of the ropes, as for too many years I was a ‘writer’ who never wrote.
Some people are blessed to know what they want to do with their lives from an early age. They follow that path, committed to making it work wholeheartedly. No backup plan required.
I’ve never been that person. I’ve tried; I’ve tripped and fallen into all sorts of ways of earning a living. And I eventually landed in a space that fits my lifestyle for the most part, with the amount of freedom I have, and also pays me well for my time as a consultant and company of one (me).
The downside is that this career path doesn’t always fulfill me. There is a creative gap at times. I have ideas that don’t always belong in my client work but burn away at me anyway.
Writing has always been something I’ve been drawn to. I’ve read books throughout my life and have always appreciated the beauty in a perfectly framed run of words.
Much earlier in my life I had a few unspectacular efforts to write some articles. Some work ended in print, but most didn’t make the cut. Even back then, perhaps fueled with a young man’s inflated ego, I fancied myself as something of a writer but lacked the work ethic or skills to back up my ideals.
I wasn’t willing to commit myself to the craft, not even close. I wasn’t willing to have ten ideas rejected by editors so the eleventh would possibly be accepted. So, other than crafting business cases or technical process documents for consulting clients, I didn’t write (creatively).
I occasionally promised myself I’d write, I even postured that I could do better than those who did, but I continued to remain passively on the sidelines.
Until one day, the inertia all became too much. Yes, the safe side of the ropes was easier to some degree, but it was also uncomfortable. An itch was being left unscratched. I decided it was time I put my skin in the game.
So I started a simple blog. Two blogs, in fact. One based on some of the ideas that had been burning away at me and one based around haiku. (I also fancied myself as a poet who, you guessed it, rarely wrote any actual poetry!)
Did the world stand up and take notice? Of course not. In fact, I look back now and think my initial efforts were pretty awful and unstructured (some would argue my writing remains that way). However, something magical did start to happen in me.
The creative itch and ideas that had gnawed at me started to see light. I started to commit more time to writing. I started to make it a priority in my days and weeks. I strived to get better.
This process all started eight or so years ago. The blogs have changed (one being retired), but my writing has continued. Books have followed. Writing has become an important part of my life. An important way for me to express myself and share something in me that may have remained covered up otherwise.
Is it how I pay all my bills now? No, and I’m really not sure that’s the point. Committing myself to the process of making my work the best it can be, of trying to make today’s work better than yesterday’s, is reward in of itself. I have invested myself in the process.
Do I still dream of a day where I’m a full-time writer and the words I labor over support my lifestyle fully and pay for my travels? You bet I do. However, I’m also going to keep turning up to write regardless. I’ll carry on turning up to write until I feel I have nothing left to say, and then I’ll stop. And, to be clear, I hope I never stop while breath remains in me.
I’ve realized that the very act of putting skin in the game is reward enough. I’m in the (writing) ring, baring a little and sometimes a lot of myself. It’s hard work at times, but it’s also exhilarating.
The Nobility of Applying Ourselves
There is risk attached to putting ourselves in the mix. Daring where others dare not. Committing ourselves when others second guess, or stand on the sidelines. But there is something to be earned in putting ourselves to the test. It’s where we will often learn most about ourselves. It’s where we grow. Sometimes it’s even where we define ourselves.
To test ourselves is to learn to trust in ourselves. Whether we try and succeed immediately, or more realistically, try and fall down, pick ourselves up again, and then succeed, each time we apply ourselves we bolster the habit of getting out of the blocks. We learn to embrace, and revel in, taking action. We liberate ourselves.
Putting ourselves to the test can take many guises. It could be a first public speaking engagement, it could be a first marathon, it could be a first child, it could be flying solo with a business idea, it could be signing up for a competition. It could involve testing ourselves physically or mentally (and often both at once).
There is honor to be found in applying ourselves. There is respect to be found in trying to be the best we can be. There is reward to be found in the toil of striving to get better, little by little, regardless of the outcome.
Our Choices Shape Us
The choice is ours to make.
We can live a passive life, never truly putting ourselves out there, and possibly shooting down the efforts of others. We can live a life of itches never fully scratched. We can leave dreams left un-chased.
Or we can commit ourselves to an all together different route.
We can commit to try harder, to do better, to be better. We can bare something of ourselves to the world. We can put our skin firmly in the game. We can seek to make an impact in our own small but significant way.
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How to Accept That It’s Time to Break Up
“Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe
I knew it was over and yet I stayed.
In my eyes, my relationship had run its course. I was fed up, tired, and emotionally drained, but I couldn’t get myself to pull the trigger. I didn’t know how to go through with it.
Because this was my first serious relationship, everything was new to me, including breaking up. He was my first love. We lived together, built a life together, and now I was throwing a wrench into all of our bright plans for the future.
After being with each other for over five years, our relationship had seen its ups and downs (as most relationships do). By that point, though, the honeymoon phase was a distant memory and our interactions with each other had devolved into petty fights, low blows, and toxic behavior.
I was lost, confused, and unhappy, until finally it hit me:
We weren’t right for each other.
Simple as that.
But still, I waited. For six months, in fact, until I reached a point when I couldn’t take it anymore.
That day, I sat my boyfriend down and told him exactly how I felt and that I was done. Through protests and tears, he packed a bag and moved to his mom’s house until I could figure out a different living situation.
The separation didn’t last long though.
I thought I’d be relieved to finally go through with the breakup, but my boyfriend’s reaction made me second-guess myself. I’d assumed that he was as fed up as I was with our relationship and, when I realized he wasn’t, the doubt crept in and I was even more confused than before.
So we tried again. This time, going to therapy with the hopes of working through our problems, but that didn’t work either.
A few months later (nearly a year after I realized that I wanted to break up in the first place), my boyfriend and I finally ended things for good.
I was left looking back at my relationship and wondering:
How could I have put myself through that? Why did I stay as long as I did? What would I do differently if I were to do it again?
Here’s what I wish I knew at the time.
1. Accept your feelings as valid.
It’s easy to get lost in your relationship and sacrifice your needs for the sake of your partner’s. That’s exactly what I did.
Instead of listening to my feelings and breaking up with my boyfriend, as I should have done, I doubted myself. Even when every fiber of my being was telling me “it’s time,” I held back and made excuses.
I was so worried my feelings could be wrong or temporary, and that I couldn’t trust myself. Could I be making a huge mistake I’d regret down the road?
Then I would think about my boyfriend’s feelings—how I was causing him pain and making him suffer. So why wouldn’t it be better to stick it out for his sake?
These anxious thoughts running through my head did nothing but keep me trapped in a cycle of fear, pain, anger, and frustration.
The bottom line was that I was unhappy. And I knew, somewhere deep inside, this wasn’t going to change.
After years of putting my feelings on the back burner, it was a hard reality to accept. But going through this process made me realize that I couldn’t stay in a relationship with someone I simply wasn’t happy with. It wasn’t fair to him or to me, and it left us both feeling miserable.
Sometimes you have to be a little selfish and put yourself first, and ending a relationship is one of those circumstances.
You also have to push through the fear that you may be making a mistake and trust that you truly do know what’s best for you. That doesn’t mean you’ll find someone else right away or you’ll never feel lonely when you’re single. It just means you know this particular relationship isn’t right for you, and it’s better to be with no one than the wrong one.
It may be difficult, but, through my own personal experience, I’ve found that the initial feelings I had a year before my official breakup are how I feel to this day. If I had listened then, I would have saved myself a great deal of trouble.
So if you’re struggling with the idea of a breakup, take a step back and focus on yourself. Be brutally honest with yourself and write down exactly how you feel without holding anything back.
It can be scary to face the facts, but if the same feelings pop up time and time again, then it’s time to listen. Your gut is trying to tell you something.
2. Focus on the now.
When the bad times outweigh the good, something needs to change.
My boyfriend and I shared a lot of good times together throughout the years. When we weren’t fighting about something, I thoroughly enjoyed his company and cherished the rare moments of peace we had together.
Even though the good moments in my relationship were far and few between, I would cling to those moments to justify my staying. Just when I thought I’d had enough and felt clear about my decision to leave, I would remember those happier times and my mind would instantly become clouded.
I idealized what our relationship once was instead of looking at it from the present circumstances. And the fact of the matter was that there wasn’t enough good to outweigh the bad.
So I made the decision to focus on the now.
Instead of allowing the past to creep in and fill me with doubt, I needed to face the facts and look at where my relationship was at that point in time. Doing so helped me pull away from my tendency to idealize the past and helped me move toward accepting the breakup for it what it was.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, shift your focus to the present. Think about where your relationship is currently and how you feel about it in the moment.
3. Create actionable plans for the future.
Fear was my biggest enemy during my breakup. I was absolutely terrified of what the future had in store.
Over the years, my boyfriend had become a crutch for me to rely on. We had developed an unhealthy level of codependency that was difficult for me to pull away from, mostly due to worries I had about being on my own and navigating life without a partner by my side.
The uncertainty of the future, while exciting for some, left me frozen with terror.
Will I be able to make it on my own? Will I be able to adapt? Where will I live? Will I ever find love again? Am I making a mistake?
Questions like these ran through my mind on a loop, filling me with anxiety that left me feeling trapped.
It wasn’t until I created a concrete plan that I was able to gain the confidence to finally take the necessary steps toward independence.
To combat the overwhelming list of tasks involved in breaking up, I broke my massive to-do list down into smaller, actionable steps.
For example, because I was living with my boyfriend at the time, I needed to find a new place to live. The first step was to figure out where I wanted to live and how much I wanted to spend. Then I needed to devote time to looking at listings and viewing apartments. Once I found a place, then I could shift my attention to packing and so on and so forth.
Breaking tasks down into smaller steps allowed me to focus on one thing at a time, which, in turn, gave me the confidence to move from paralysis to action.
So if you find that the thought of a breakup is too overwhelming, write everything you need to do down onto a piece of paper. Then break those tasks down into smaller steps so that it becomes less intimidating.
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The road to accepting a breakup can be a long one. When worries, fears and doubts creep in, change can be that much more difficult. That’s when it’s important to look inward and focus on what’s happening inside of you.
The moment I shifted my focus onto myself, I was able to overcome my hesitation and make a clear decision. And today, the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it sooner.
Every relationship is different and everyone has their own path to discovering when it’s time for things to change. The key is to be able to tune in to that moment if and when the time comes.
Once it’s over and the dust settles, you’ll realize that breaking up isn’t always so bad.
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Blinded by Our Diet Culture? How to Stop Hating Your Body
“Don’t change your body to get respect from society. Instead let’s change society to respect our bodies.” ~Golda Poretsky
Age thirteen—that was when my eating disorder kicked into full gear because our diet culture had its tentacles wrapped around me tightly. All I thought about all day was how I was going to control and restrict my food, then how I was going to burn it off.
I sought to burn off every calorie I ate. I couldn’t go to sleep at night unless I’d burned off most of what I’d consumed. I was obsessed with exercise and trying to morph my body into an unreasonable shape.
Thinness, that’s what I was seeking. I’d scroll through “ana” or anorexia forums online and gain inspiration from others. I’d swoon over protruding collarbones and thigh gaps. I was in eighth grade.
I have a distinct memory of tears streaming down my face, when I was fourteen, in the parking lot of the YMCA in my boyfriend’s car. Desperation and regret were washing over me like waterfalls. I couldn’t believe I had eaten something outside of my diet plan.
I had a roll of cookie dough in hand that I had just binged on. I wrapped it up and angrily threw it on the floor. Then I vowed to burn the sweet off by sweating on the elliptical and to never do that again.
Though inevitably I had sweets again. Or something that was high in fat. Or something that was too carb-y. There was no winning, I had myself trapped.
I’d even berate myself when I ate two granola bars because that was too many calories. I’d hide in the bathroom while at the beach in fear of being “too big.” Diet culture dogged my every step.
I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me, like I was broken, largely because of the messages I’d received from our culture—that I’d always have something that needed to be “fixed.” I lived my life as if that were true.
I read in Jes Baker’s book, Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls, that 81% of ten-year-olds are afraid of being fat, and these same ten-year-olds are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of cancer, war, or losing both of their parents.
That was me, terrified of weight gain. As a teenager headed into adulthood, I let the fear of gaining weight run my life. I developed a binge eating disorder, where I ate in private, and the shame, guilt, and remorse mounted.
At seventeen years old I was the heaviest I’d ever been, though still small by most people’s standards. My dad was hoping to buy me a car for high school graduation, but instead, I convinced him to pay $4,000 to send me to fat camp for thirty days. There I starved and worked out until I was ill.
They had us working out for hours a day, barely eating anything, and they restricted us from bringing in food from outside. We’d play running games, but also row on the lake that the camp resided on. Sometimes we would workout for upwards of six hours a day, so I got sick.
Sun sickness, exhaustion, and insufficient nutrition knocked me on my butt. I went home a few days early.
I had mixed feelings about the whole thing. The camp felt like a prison, but I also felt good about being there because I was on my way to being thin.
I hoped that maybe this weight loss would mean that I’d finally be enough. I felt like I had to be good enough for my boyfriend, despite him thinking that I was just fine as I was. I was convinced that I needed to be skinny in order to keep him around.
My weight continued to fluctuate: up, down, up, down. And you know what? No matter what diet, weight loss plan, or “lifestyle change” I tried, my total disdain for myself remained. When I hit my goal weight, I still hated myself.
It was baffling. I told myself when I hit x weight I would be good enough, but even when I reached my goal, my level of misery was the same. I was still stuck with me, the same me that is the same no matter what I weigh.
When I was talking to my AA sponsor about my dang weight plateau (even though I weighed less than my original goal), she asked me, “But, when will the weight loss ever be enough? What weight is ‘enough?’”
It didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks that day. I had been hearing the sentiment over and over again. When is enough, enough? But I knew then I was sick of the cycle.
What if I was enough just as I was? I began reading books like Health at Every Size and Bawdy Love. While reading these books I kept asking myself if diets and restriction were really the way to happiness. These books and others taught me, bit by bit, that I might just be an okay human without weight loss.
I started questioning the way I thought about things and vocalized my feelings about my body. Like, what if I played hockey for enjoyment rather than to burn off food I’ve eaten? What if I stopped berating myself to others and instead chose to talk positively about my body?
I slowly realized that I had more important things to worry about than how many calories I’d consumed and if I was thin enough for my date. Even before I was calling it body positivity, I was on a journey of self-acceptance.
I’d been so convinced that I possessed innate badness, but I started to wonder, what if that was a lie? Can I really be all that horrible? What if there was another way?
I had been studying Buddhism for years but got deeper into it right around the time that I was learning about body acceptance. That was when I found basic goodness, which is Shambhala’s Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche’s idea of discovering our inherent worth, our fundamental nature that cannot be obscured by anything like body dysmorphia or diet culture.
It didn’t happen overnight, but I slowly began to learn about my inherent worthiness.
I fought along the way. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a sense that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. Trying to turn that around has been quite a feat. It’s taken daily kind self-talk, a body positive community, and professionals like a therapist and a Health at Every Size nutritionist.
It’s also taken my sangha’s love and wisdom. When I’m in the space of my center, whether it’s my local one or the land center tucked away a few hours north, I feel a sense of peace with myself and the world.
It’s not always so simple to say everything’s okay. There are many things that feel difficult to accept about me. Some days it’s my “fat” thighs (which are actually average-sized) and other times my jiggly tummy. Neither of these are bad things.
My “flaws” are actually things to celebrate about myself. My legs are strong enough to carry me around day-to-day and sometimes even go hiking! And I have a belly that digests all the delicious food I eat.
While it’s important to feel positive about certain aspects of myself, basic goodness runs a little bit deeper. It’s not “good” or “bad” in the sense we’re familiar with, rather it’s a naturalness that’s difficult to describe.
It started seeping into my life, though, and became very real for me. I started to have this deep feeling in my chest that reminded me that I’m fundamentally okay no matter what mistakes I make or flaws I think I have.
It helped that I tattooed the words “basically good” in giant letters on my forearm. I needed the reminder!
It didn’t just affect my relationship with my body, it bled out into different parts of my life. In connecting to my nature and understanding my own worth, I interacted with people differently. For example, I was better at setting boundaries and saying “no” because I realized I deserve respect. I also had more empathy for people who made horrible mistakes.
When I started to believe in my basic goodness I began to treat myself differently. When I heard those voices in my head telling me that I was broken, I gently dismissed them and moved on with my day. I replaced them with new thoughts like “you’re lovable just as you are.”
I dove right into body acceptance work. I started to practice intuitive eating, subscribed to the Health at Every Size movement, and became a body positive advocate on social media.
Experiencing intuitive eating manifested as learning to tune into my body and dropping the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.” There were no longer “bad” foods in my life that I “shouldn’t eat,” and there were no longer exercises that I “should” be doing.
Rather, I learned that my body has inherent wisdom. It sends me hunger and fullness cues. It tells me when it doesn’t like something. It’s naturally emotional, providing me the opportunity to share joy with friends through a birthday cake.
My relationships with food and exercise go hand-in-hand. Exercise became an outlet to move my body and have fun. What a revelation! I didn’t have to punish myself in order to get moving. I could move just fine by playing hockey and taking walks.
Health at Every Size taught me many things, one of the biggest being that diets don’t work.
In the book Body of Truth: How Science, History, and Culture Drive Our Obsession with Weight—and What We Can Do About It, author Harriet Brown cites statistics that show “over 45 million Americans will go on a diet at some point each year. All but 5% of them will gain the weight back in a year, and all but 3% of them will gain the weight back plus some extra in three years.
Many of us throw ourselves into dieting, thinking that it’s going to cure our problems and we’re finally going to be thin. It’s a sinkhole. The real solution isn’t an attempt to change your body. It’s connecting with that goodness deep inside of you.
From there, you can take better care of yourself. A meta-analysis of twenty-four studies published between 2006 and 2015 found that people were actually more motivated to exercise when the drive wasn’t from shame and guilt and instead focused on enjoyment.
The same goes for eating and anything else we do. When shame is the drive, everything suffers. On the other hand, if we’re operating from an understanding of our basic goodness, we actually want to care for ourselves.
One of the best tools I’ve found to care for myself and connect to my basic goodness is meditation.
Meditation isn’t the only answer to connecting to your basic goodness, but it’s the biggest. This practice may drum up images of monks on mountaintops, but everyone can do it and everyone can benefit from it.
It’s not about being perfect. It’s not even really about quieting your mind or becoming happy, though these are often welcomed side effects. Instead, it’s about making friends with what’s going on inside your own mind and in turn connecting with your body and realizing it’s doing a great job.
To listen to your body, things have to be clear. Pema Chodron made the analogy of a glass of water. If you put a tablespoon of dirt in the water and start stirring, everything’s all muddied.
This is equivalent to negative diet culture thoughts churning in your mind. Thinking about weight loss, calories burned, and steps taken are the dirt swirling. These kinds of thoughts often take you away from your intuition, or your state of calmness.
What if you stopped stirring, though? The dirt would go to the bottom and you could see clearly again; you could connect to your body’s needs.
Pema identifies this as our natural state, or state of basic goodness. When our relationship to our body comes from a place of love instead of punishment, many benefits can occur.
I’ve done much healing of my relationship with my body (and mind and spirit for that matter). I still have days where the old voices and habits creep in, but I connect to my basic goodness on a daily basis.
The best advice that I can share is to become connected to a body positive community. Connect with others who are on the same journey. Follow Instagram influencers like Megan Jayne Crabbe, Tess Holiday, and Virgie Tovar.
Learn about the topic of basic goodness. Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche writes a lot about it, but you can also find more on the matter in books by Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche and Pema Chodron.
Tap into that basic goodness. Use meditation to connect and use Health at Every Size and Intuitive Eating practices to be embodied. Know that you are so good, no matter what.
Drop that diet culture garbage; it isn’t serving you. Remind yourself that your health is about so much more than weight. Lastly, work toward accepting your body; it’s the only one you’ll get.
For me, it’s a journey. I’ll never achieve the perfect level of accepting my basic goodness and my body. We can talk all day about the best tactics to achieve freedom, but there are going to be plenty of days when I fall short.
I just want to make it clear that, like many things, having a healthy relationship with our bodies is a practice. Fundamental worthiness and body acceptance have changed my relationship with myself for the better, for sure. But I’ll always be learning and growing.
