Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • Your Reality Is a Reflection of What You Believe You Deserve

    Your Reality Is a Reflection of What You Believe You Deserve

    Reflection

    “You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

    Over the last ten years I have learned time and time again that our reality is a reflection of what we believe we deserve, often on an unconscious level.

    I discovered this about a decade ago while living in Belize—a diving vacation hotspot on one end and gang-infested, poverty-ridden land on the other.

    Back then I was avoiding the 9-5 life. You may say I was running from something, such as routine and following the status quo, but I was also looking to find my worth by escaping my everyday life.

    I now see that my self-worth was pretty close to zero, and the concept of self-love hadn’t had a chance to make its way on my radar.

    Despite the fact that I had the financial savings, my fear and inner lack of deservingness led me to a cockroach-infested wooden four by four. I can’t call it a cabin since there was neither a kitchen nor a bathroom, but luckily there was an outhouse outside.

    Essentially, I had manifested my own jail cell, which represented what I thought I deserved.

    I had seen other gorgeous living spaces that, in reality, were cheap, but when I saw them I thought, “I don’t deserve to be in a place like this.”

    So I settled for a cockroach-infested box that scared the heck out of me. Ultimately, it was too much to bear, and I went off to the next country, once again in a living space that smelled horrendous. I stuck it out as long as I could until I was so low that I had no choice but to leave once again.

    At the time I wasn’t able to see that what I had chosen was a reflection of my low self-worth. I felt like dirt and lived in it.

    For years to come, that fear and lack of deservingness followed me in less than ideal living situations.

    As I started to look at self-love, and practice affirmations, yoga, and meditations in nature, it was like a light went on, mostly unconsciously, until the day came when I consciously realized: I deserve better.

    That was all it took. The moment I made that connection, I released my fear of my small paycheck and took action to improve my reality. I knew I had to take the first step and then the universe would follow and take care of me.

    That belief and faith helped me look for better opportunities, which I finally believed I deserved, and put myself out there to pursue them.

    I discovered that I had to do my part, and then I had to surrender and trust that whatever was in the highest good would manifest.

    As my inner self-worth grew and I took conscious action to improve my circumstance, I finally got my own apartment and a better job.

    The magic in this was that I had quit the old job where I was undervalued even before I heard back from any of the other places I had reached out to.

    I took the risk and made the first step to let go of the old job that was wearing me down, and trusted that all my hard work would manifest a new opportunity.

    That was exactly what happened.

    What amazes me is that our practice of deeper self-love is continually evolving and growing.

    It’s not like one day you wake up and everything is perfect. In reality, it’s common to wake up some days questioning your value, feeling down, and finding yourself in less than ideal situations.

    This is why awareness is the magic key.

    Once you are aware of this, you can change it. Once you can see that you are sabotaging yourself, you can choose to deepen your spiritual practices. This will energize you and increase your faith, helping you take action, which always leads to a more fulfilling reality.

    Through the years I have continued to let go of work opportunities that no longer helped me grow or that negated my value. It’s scary every time you let go of something that feels safe (even if it is draining) but without fail I have found that when you release something that no longer serves your highest potential, you open yourself up to something better.

    And yet the shadow of self-worth still comes up. Sometimes I’ll catch myself looking at something and thinking, “That’s too nice for me.”

    But the difference between now and way back in the past when I lived with cockroaches is my awareness.

    The moment I recognize my old habit pattern of self-worth emerging, I am able to tame the beast and realize that I am worthy, and it is okay to want and enjoy nice things.

    Awareness is the first step in releasing the old habitual patterns of lack so that you can start living and breathing the feelings of a full life.

    This doesn’t mean “full” of physical things, since true abundance comes from within. It’s also having proper living conditions that feel safe and peaceful, having healthy food to eat, and the ability to enjoy some of life’s pleasures.

    So if you find yourself in a less than healthy and ideal situation, take a moment and ask yourself:

    1. Does this relate at all to your feelings of self-worth and self-love?
    2. Is there any way that you are responsible for creating the reality that you are living?

    Take some time reflecting on these two questions, and then sit in silence for about five minutes as you follow the rhythm of your breath and focus your attention on your heart center.

    Be aware of what arises. Notice without judgment, and then for the next five minutes repeat “I am worthy” or “I love myself.”

    This is like creating your own mantra that you breathe in and out. It is effective at changing your self-talk so that you feed your mind positive thoughts about yourself instead of negative ones.

    What you feed your mind grows and becomes your reality.

    Then ask yourself:

    How do you want to be living? And, how can you inject your own self-love into this equation?

    Once you know your worth, once you truly care about yourself on a deep soulful level, you will want to take care of yourself and give yourself the best. Through self-love and self-worth you will find the courage to take action to live a better life.

    And if you are having difficulty with this process, please remember it is a process, and rarely does this change happen overnight. But it does happen.

    You can create a better life. Start by being aware of how you treat yourself. You can pray, meditate, practice affirmations, and ask your inner guidance for help.

    All of these actions will increase your faith and energy, which will lead to increased positive actions to enhance your life. Start being kinder in how you talk to yourself, how much time you give yourself, and how often you treat yourself to something lovely. (This can be as simple as a warm cup of cocoa.)

    Love yourself first and the world will love you back.

    Photo by Aevar

  • 5 Ways You Attract Great People When You Like Yourself More

    5 Ways You Attract Great People When You Like Yourself More

    Friends

    “By accepting yourself and being fully what you are, your presence can make others happy.” ~Jane Roberts

    Several years ago, I was so unhappy with my harsh loneliness that I decided that I was going to try anything under the sun to build a social life and have friends that cared about me.

    I read all the books I could find and tried all the techniques they shared, but I still had to make a lot of effort to build friendships and hold my social life together.

    Then I started to learn and apply the principles of self-esteem.

    I used to think that I needed to be as extroverted as possible. It was exhausting, and people could see that it wasn’t really how I wanted to present myself.

    As a celebration of my uniqueness, I started behaving a little more like who I am—a little calmer and more interested in the depth of things.

    While I became less gregarious-sounding, I actually started making more friends, and more genuine ones; and the relationships with them were more solid.

    I was amazed at those results; I knew that self-esteem would contribute to my happiness, but never thought that being less of a gregarious person would improve my social life.

    When I met new people, I no longer talked about the trendy subjects that everyone was raving about. I talked about what I wanted to talk about. I expressed my unique perspective.

    People responded well; it gave them the chance to meet a human being who’s not afraid to express his genuine thoughts and opinions.

    Self-esteem completely shifted the way I interacted with people and made my social much easier to hold and develop.

    Here, I want to dig deeper and share with you 5 reasons why self-esteem can help you have a better, more fulfilling social life. When you have high self-esteem:

    1. You have healthy boundaries.

    When you like yourself, you no longer have to say “yes” when you mean “no,” and don’t have to make false promises, either. People love to be friends with those who aren’t afraid to say “no.” This strength of spirit inspires them.

    This character makes people see you as trustworthy. Everyone wants friends they can trust.

    When you preserve your self-respect and stand up for yourself, you keep more of your energy and value. If you have no boundaries, you and your energy get depleted.

    2. You’re naturally a giver of value.

    When you like yourself, you believe you have value to offer, so you naturally start to see abundance instead of scarcity. You realize that the world is generous, there is enough for everyone, and we can create even more that didn’t exist before.

    People can tell that you’re not one of those people who think they have to take value from others to have more.

    This instantly puts you out of the selfish category. People fear that they’ll end up with selfish friends, who are only there to take whatever they can and give as little as possible. That’s not who they want in their life; they want friends that like them for who they are.

    Liking yourself indicates that you don’t have any neediness, and therefore, you only hang out with people because you genuinely appreciate them.

    3. You know you’re not perfect, and you’re not for everyone; you appreciate your uniqueness.

    When you like yourself, you appreciate your uniqueness and have no problem with some people seeing things differently than you. You therefore celebrate your unique talents and opinions.

    When you appreciate your uniqueness, you tend to cultivate and grow it. That is exactly what makes you an interesting person to be around.

    For example, if you like Southern Italian cuisine, even if no one you know else does, you start to get more and more interested in it, which means you’ll start to know more about Italian geography, history, and world views. You’ll maybe even go there on vacation.

    People love being around others who are passionate about something; it inspires them to get passionate about their own interests.

    4. You’re cheerful and you can see the good in people.

    When you like yourself, you see the good in yourself, but you also see the good in others. This is an instant charmer! People are keen to know if you’ll appreciate who they are and what they have to offer to the world.

    When you have that positive energy within your own life, you start to project it on to others. First, your cheerfulness catches their attention; second, they realize that you’re not only optimistic for yourself, but for them as well.

    5. You’re not overly serious.

    Liking yourself means that you’re realistic and can recognize your imperfections, quirks, and mistakes. You know you can improve what you want but will never be perfect, and you’re okay with that.

    This means you’ll have enough confidence to poke fun at yourself. Other people recognize this, and know that they can have lots of fun around you, as you don’t take yourself too seriously.

    This also shows a side of you that is vulnerable and completely human. People get fixated on this on the spot because they recognize the same human vulnerability in themselves.

    Great people reserve a special spot in their life for people who can interact and relate without masks or barriers to hide behind—and that comes from liking yourself.

    Photo by Christos Loufopoulos

  • Happiness Is…

    Happiness Is…

    Happiness

    Source: Positive Outlooks

  • How to Practice Self-Compassion: 5 Tips to Stop Being Down on Yourself

    How to Practice Self-Compassion: 5 Tips to Stop Being Down on Yourself

    Inner Light

    “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” ~Jack Kornfield

    I never wanted to see a therapist. I imagined settling onto the storied couch and seeing dollar signs appear in concerned eyes as I listed the family history of mental illness, addiction, and abuse. I feared I’d be labeled before I’d ever been heard.

    But after experiencing the emotional shock of witnessing a murder, I knew I needed a space to grieve. So I gathered all of my courage and laid myself bare to a very nice woman who had Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements on her coffee table. I trusted her.

    Within moments of meeting me, that very nice woman shattered the world I knew. The characteristics I viewed as strengths—my drive, my nurturing nature, my strength under pressure—were neatly organized into a single neurosis: codependency.

    As I leafed through the pages of the book she recommended to me, I saw myself in the narrative of the co-dependent: giving until I had given all that I had; investing myself deeply in the mental health of those around me; constantly trying to make others happy.

    But rather than find comfort in the words on the pages, I found myself sinking into despair. All of those years I thought that I had escaped my past unscathed, and here I was, stuck with a label: codependent.

    Week after week, I dove deeper into this idea that perhaps I needed to confront my past; perhaps I did need to grieve. I cried. I raged. I stopped eating. I ate too much. My health declined.

    My therapist told me I needed to relax. So I woke up early every day, determined to be the most relaxed person I could be: always striving to relax harder, better. And yet I didn’t feel better; I felt worse.

    By accepting a label given to me by a near stranger, I had unconsciously shifted my focus from living in the present to fixing something that I perceived to be wrong with my past.  And it had overwhelmed me.

    My inner critic gained a strength previously unknown to me. Every day, I thought about how I might make myself better. I cursed at myself for being unable to let go, and then I cursed at myself for cursing at myself.

    I was exhausted.

    As I slowly came to realize that I could not keep up with that inner critic, something changed. I accepted that I couldn’t be perfect. I accepted that I was human.

    Only by finding my edge—that place where I couldn’t take any more—was I able to finally let go. When my inner critic started to rear its head, I learned to stick up for myself as I might defend a friend: “I am only human. I am not perfect, nor do I need to be.”

    With that simple acknowledgement—I am not perfect, nor do I need to be—I was finally able to free myself not only from the pain of past experiences, but also from the pain that came from reducing myself to a label.

    By learning to practice self-compassion, I became comfortable with the person I am today, free of expectations.

    The journey to self-compassion was a difficult one for me, but I believe it to be a journey that I will only need to take once. Today, I have the tools I need to practice self-compassion without having to first battle my inner critic, and these are tools that anyone can use:

    1. Acknowledge challenges and let them go.

    I always remember, “I am not perfect, nor do I need to be.” When entirely normal emotions come up—frustration, stress, anger, fear—I remind myself that no one expects me to be perfect. I allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel and to then let it go.

    2. Remember that you are exactly where you need to be.

    When we start our journey inward, we may learn things about ourselves that shock us. I try to remember that every challenge has its purpose and I am exactly where I need to be today.

    3. Practice self-growth rather than self-improvement.

    Improvement implies that there is something to fix. Rather than attempting to “fix” what’s “wrong,” I focus instead on strengthening what’s right. Work toward personal growth rather than some idea of perfection.

    4. Speak to yourself as you would speak to a friend.

    As I faced challenges in my personal growth, I learned to be kind to myself. If a friend was struggling with an uncomfortable emotion, I would never criticize that friend with language like, “Why can’t you just learn to be happy all of the time?!” So I don’t speak to myself that way either.

    5. Give yourself a hug.

    Go on. Right now. Just do it. That felt good, didn’t it?

    Self-compassion is an inside job. I’ve learned that if I am gentle with myself, the world becomes a gentler place. I invite you to experience it too.

    Photo by Joseph Vasquez

  • The Antidote to Criticism: Turn Others’ Doubt Into a Standing Ovation

    The Antidote to Criticism: Turn Others’ Doubt Into a Standing Ovation

    Clapping

    “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

    Gangly and skinny, I never attracted much attention from the opposite sex during high school. I was the friendly and funny sidekick to the popular girls—fun to hang out with but not to date.

    When an older guy approached me during my last year of high school, I thought it would be a normal high school romance.

    It turned out that our relationship wouldn’t be anything close to “normal.”

    As I began to get to know him, everyone around me started to object to our interest in each other. My family, my friends, even people I hardly spoken to in years, they all opposed our budding relationship from the start.

    One time, a friend of my parents came up to me at a restaurant and said, “He’s not for you. You’re a princess and you deserve a prince,” before walking off. It felt like a hit and run.

    They said we weren’t right for each other. They said we didn’t run in the same circles. They said we were brought up differently. They said the long distance we’d have to endure wasn’t worth it.

    They said so many things, but it didn’t matter.

    Despite their objections, we continued our relationship on and off for four years, suffering under the weight of the rejection of our loved ones. We didn’t understand why they couldn’t see how simple and right our relationship was. We didn’t understand why it was such a problem for us to be together.

    As much as we fought it, our relationship eventually buckled under all that judgment and fell to pieces.

    Now, looking back on everything I went through, I can see just how much I gained from that suffering and criticism. Not only did I enjoy a beautiful relationship and friendship for four years, I also gained something else entirely:

    I gained the opportunity to do something of my own, making my own actions and decisions based on my own criteria.

    No matter if people’s criticism were right or wrong, what matters is that I learned to follow my heart and make decisions that are important to me.

    I withstood the rejection of the people closest to my heart, all because I believed strongly in what I was doing. I was strong and steadfast—attributes I didn’t know I had.

    Hindsight is 20/20, right?

    All of those lessons are what I can see now, after everything has been over for years, but the moments when I felt attacked by their criticism were difficult to get through back then. It would’ve helped me understand it all better while I was going through it, so I started wondering…

    Why do people criticize in the first place?

    Through my conversations with friends and family that once criticized me, it seems to me that there are a few main reasons why people may criticize—all related to fear:

    1. Fear of failure.

    Most of the people that criticize our decisions are fearful of our failure. They want to protect us, and telling us their objections are their way of attempting to keep us safe from failure.

    2. Fear of change.

    Sometimes, the people who criticize us are afraid of how our decisions and actions will cause changes to the status quo. We like how things are right now, so why change them? Change means we don’t know what will happen next, what’s lying in wait around the corner.

    3. Fear of action.

    What this really means is insecurity. This is probably the most hurtful kind of criticism, but it’s very simple to break down.

    Sometimes, people criticize us because they too wish they could make these decisions or take action similar to ours. They’re afraid that they don’t have it in them to pull off what we’re trying to pull off, and they turn to criticism to deal with that fear.

    Most of these come from places of love—love for us or love for themselves. Identifying that would’ve helped me deal with what I went through years ago, but it helps me now, too, whenever I face criticism.

    Sure, there are many more reasons for criticism and not everyone gives it from a place of love, but these few examples have helped me dive deeper into why criticism arises and how I can turn it into something great.

    What can criticism turn into?

    When I suffered from the judgment of my loved ones (and the scorn of people I hardly knew, like the lady in that restaurant), I followed my heart and did what I thought was best, despite the hurt. I wasn’t aware that those few years of steadfastness would turn into what I now call a “standing ovation” of sorts.

    Recently, I was at a party with friends when an acquaintance approached me and said, “Marcella, I know we’re not close or anything, but I wanted to tell you that I admire you for standing up to everyone when you were in love. You stood up for what was right, and that was a beautiful thing to do.”

    The very people who criticize us are the same people who later on applaud our efforts.

    While it’s wonderful that someone saw the value in my struggle, I’ve recognized even greater value the more time goes by. Facing criticism and following what felt right with my first love trained me to do the same as I grew up.

    Dr. Brené Brown says, “If you’re not in the arena getting your butt kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” I’d add to that with the following: I hope that me being in the arena getting my own butt kicked can inspire others to enter the arena, as well.

    Photo by Martin Fisch

  • You’re Not Behind; You’re Just on Your Own Path

    You’re Not Behind; You’re Just on Your Own Path

    Man on a Path

    “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Eriksson

    Endlessly comparing ourselves to others and idealizing their best qualities while underestimating our own are self-defeating behaviors, and they hurt our self-esteem. Yet in the competitive nature of our world, many of us do this.

    As a result of my own self-defeating thoughts, throughout my life, I’ve repeatedly felt like I was five years behind where I “should” be.

    After high school graduation, many of my peers went away to school and into a new wave of social experiences.

    I stayed home, worked, and went to see a lot of bands play, and when I started gaining more life experience of my own, I felt like I was in catch-up mode and ashamed that I hadn’t gotten some of these experiences out of the way earlier.

    I had a rocky college career, bouncing between, in, and out of schools, finally completing my English degree when I was twenty-five and feeling absolutely no further toward a career than I had before I’d started.

    Attracted to web development because it offered the possibility of working remotely, I learned on the side and eventually landed a job at a small web shop. I was twenty-eight, but felt behind compared to those who had their career paths charted early on, and stacked resumes.

    I decided to start freelancing with only one solid client and hoped that I’d be able to sustain myself enough to stay location independent.

    After a few years of this, though I still loved the flexibility freelancing offered, I started feeling the need for my work to not only provide for myself, but to also contribute something positive to the world. Now in my mid thirties, I feel like I need to reevaluate again, but compared to others whom are solidifying relationships and buying property, I feel behind.

    In the examples above, I’m comparing my path to others that aren’t my own.

    If you can relate, try reframing these thoughts as a more accurate reflection of yourself and celebration of your own personal journey.

    What did you want? Often when we compare ourselves to others, we are comparing ourselves to an ideal that might appear to be favored by society, media, or whatever, but it’s really not that interesting to us.

    After high school, I remember distinctly not wanting to go away to school and thinking dorm life was a manufactured environment that didn’t represent real life. I wanted to hang out with my best friend and go see live music.

    As I’ve become more self-aware, I’ve realized my anti-dorming position probably reflected my high levels of social anxiety and that the experience, though difficult at times, would have had a positive impact, though I would have probably missed a lot of awesome shows.

    What you wanted from life then might not be what you want now, and that’s okay because throughout life, we change and gain insight. The decisions you made likely reflected where you were in life at that point. Maybe it was the “right” decision or maybe it wasn’t, but celebrate yourself either way.

    Look at the positive side of your life path. Read between the lines and don’t focus on the negatives of what you didn’t do.

    When I was fourteen, my father took me to England for a couple weeks and it left me with a lasting desire to enjoy traveling beyond the confines of the “paid time off” policies at many jobs in the United States.

    I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of school, so it’s probably no surprise that while I bounced between academic institutions, I also spent some of that time period traveling abroad and hence, nurturing and developing a huge part of who I am.

    Choices made to appease what you perceive others think you should be doing, rather than what nurtures you, are self-negating. And though they may seem like shortcuts, they will often not bring you any closer to fulfillment.

    Focus on what your unique cocktail of nurture and nature enabled you to accomplish.

    While others found their career path early, I was sweating inside the back of a 3,000-cubic-foot truck, working 5am merchandising shifts at a major retailer with a group of people that ended up feeling like a family, and I know I will stay in touch with some of them for the rest of my life.

    The work felt honest and the people even better, and those are two of the most valuable things in life to me.

    While others were sculpting their career, networking, and building relationships, spurred on by my earlier travels, I started to freelance and accomplished a lifelong dream of working remotely abroad.

    I took an extended trip to Europe and two years later, did the same thing in South America. While my career development suffered most likely, accomplishing this goal was a priority, and I created memories that I will always cherish.

    Take a moment and you can probably think about when you took a less traveled road and accomplished something beautiful.

    Celebrate what you love about your personality and how those qualities have contributed to your life experience.

    It’s easy to confuse what you want to work on with those qualities that you’re quite happy with.

    If I go to a large social gathering, the introvert in me will spend time processing, observing, and taking everything in. I can be pretty quiet initially, but I’m okay with this because the attributes that make me identify as an introvert also have enabled me to form deep friendships, be sensitive to others and the world around me, and to feel on a very deep level.

    At that same social gathering, I might be hanging out in a small group listening when I think of a relevant story that I’d love to share, but social anxiety renders me quiet because I’m afraid my storytelling will not hold their attention.

    Introversion and social anxiety can sometimes be confused, but they are different concepts. Being introverted has enabled me to experience life in a unique way, but only social anxiety has held me back at times from participating in life like I want to.

    Sometimes, two aspects of yourself produce similar symptoms. When you make the decision to work on a behavior, make sure that you’re targeting the right one.

    —

    I still catch my mind comparing myself to the ideals we are constantly subjected to by society and feeling like I will never catch up. But then I center myself and realize I’m comparing myself to an ideal that is not necessarily applicable to me, and that I need to stay true to my own path. Life is much more personal, complex, and nuanced.

    Perhaps there are times when you feel five years behind. But really, you’re constantly learning about yourself and sculpting a life that is a reflection of that, and that’s exactly where you need to be.

    Celebrate the path of others but most importantly, celebrate your own, because you’ve likely been living a pretty honest existence all along.

    Photo by h.koppdelaney

  • The Labels We Take On: How They Limit Our Potential

    The Labels We Take On: How They Limit Our Potential

    Looking into the Horizon

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    We live in a society of labels. Everyone will try to label you, including yourself. It’s been happening since the beginning. It takes some honesty and objective reflection to see it, but take a moment or two and really think about it.

    Eventually, we each begin to subconsciously believe those labels and we start to feel as though to be whole, to be someone in this world, we need to appease our egos and the voices around us by “fitting-in somewhere,” preferably within those aforementioned labels.

    Over time, it becomes the foundation for our lives: “I am this person”…. “I am not this person”… “I can do this”… “I can’t do this.” Our entire persona and sense of reality are sculpted by these labels.

    In elementary school, we are quickly classified and reinforced with the ideas that we are smart, not smart, a good student, a bad student, a good reader, a bad reader, too hyper, too shy, athletic, uncoordinated… The list goes on and on. We begin to believe these ideas and take them on to be unquestionable, objective-reality truths.

    Fast forward to the present day. Now, more than ever, we begin to believe we have tested ourselves on nearly every level; we know who we are.

    While you may or may not still believe and buy into some of those labels from your childhood, I can almost guarantee that you still believe in and adhere to the holy idea of labels. Whether they are intellectual, physical, emotional, spiritual, or political, you still label everything, including yourself.

    For most of us, our adult selves are a more concrete and self-actualized reflection of our childhood/teenage selves.

    Stepping Out of the Box & Into Your Limitless Potential

    When you realize the limits your family, your friends, your teachers, and your ego have set for you, you can take your power back and choose to go beyond those limits. You can become whoever you wish to become, or do whatever you previously and falsely thought you couldn’t.

    First, we must each come to terms with what is real and what isn’t real—what is a self-imposed limitation and what is something we know, in our heart of hearts to be true. That, my friends, is the first of two difficult steps to freeing yourself.

    Most of us have spent our entire lives, up until right now, believing that most, if not all of those labels are tangible parts of our being, inseparable from the fabric of who we are; they hold everything we are and ever will be.

    Even if we know deep down that these labels and ideas are wrong or limiting, we are constantly faced with the subconscious war with fear.

    This is and will be the second, and most likely the hardest, obstacle you face as you; as an empowered human being with free will, you must consciously decide to step outside of the familiar box and into the unknown.

    In general, we fear the unknown and change. We each fear not being good enough, we fear rejection, we fear failing, and we fear not knowing what is going to happen to us. Life is short; don’t waste it living in fear of failure or judgment. We are here at “earth school” to learn how to live in love, rather than fear—to live as empowered beings, not victims.

    You are not a victim of your past and your labels. You are a human being capable of anything you set your heart, mind, and soul on.

    Once you have firmly decided who you are and who you are going to be as a human being, you have closed the door to endless possibility. This is how the “labels” begin to consume our sense of reality; we become set in our ways and in our beliefs.

    Hold onto your character, integrity, and morals, but leave every other part of yourself open to the universe of possibilities. Stay open, stay present, meditate, self-affirm.

    Do the work needed in order to surround yourself with positive thoughts, emotions, and people—people who will support you and align with you as you shed the old beliefs and leave the confining box of comfort, expanding and evolving the way you are meant to as a human being.

    My Box

    I spent my entire life, until I was twenty-two, living in a well-crafted box. As I grew up and went to school, I was unable to focus my mind on anything but sports. I was praised as a great athlete and labeled a poor student. My teachers and my parents couldn’t get me to focus, and I barely got by.

    I was placed in alternative schools, private schools, and boarding schools; nothing helped. It only reinforced the belief that “I am not smart enough or good enough.”

    After having beliefs pounded into my head for years and struggling from elementary through high school, it was clear to me then more than ever: “I am a terrible student; I could never actually get my college degree and do well. I’m too unfocused; I’m not smart enough.”

    I took the labels on as objective-reality truths and struggled all the way through my early years of college, only to drop out at twenty-two in the pursuit of bigger and better things.

    As I got older, I had to figure out what I was good at. All I knew was that I was good at sports and bad at school. I couldn’t do anything that required focused attention in a structured setting.

    From the age of eighteen until twenty-four years old I struggled trying to find my way. I knew I was good at business and I knew I was smart, but at the same time I knew school was out of the question: “I am just not good at school.” So, I started a small tech company with a friend.

    When I reached the age of twenty-five, my life changed forever. I realized and had come to terms with my intuitive abilities—ones I had possessed my whole life but never really knew about until looking back on it in that moment.

    I was faced with fear. I began an inner battle with all of the labels I had lived with my entire life: How could I become a professional intuitive and follow what felt right without shedding all of the ideas about who I am and who I am not? Will people judge me? Does this new me line up with who people think I am? Will my friends still like me?

    The list goes on and on. I was faced with all of the fears and questions you could imagine.

    As of today, I have spent half a decade overcoming a lot of my fears and peeling away the many layers of labels and self-imposed beliefs about my potential and who I am.

    I am back in college full-time, finally finishing my degree in health and counseling with nearly perfect grades.

    I have found healthy relationships and have overcome the fear and anxiety that previously limited the love I had for myself, and I now work as a professional intuitive and life coach with a successful business doing so.

    Was it where I ever thought I would be? No. Was it easy shedding the beliefs, ideas, and labels? No. Was it worth it? Yes. It has been the most freeing thing I have ever done, and even though it has closed some doors to my past, it has opened up new ones to my future I would have never thought possible before.

    Once I opened myself up to the endless possibilities of who I am and can be and listened to what my heart and soul were saying, I was free.

    Most importantly, I am no longer a victim of my past or my faults. I know I can overcome anything, simply by doing the work, facing my fears, and staying open to the endless possibilities this life has to offer.

    There are countless other labels I have taken on in my personal life, each one just as difficult to shed as the ones I have mentioned. Yours will be similar or completely different; it is your work to identify and release them.

    I am where I am today because I constantly push myself through the two steps mentioned above. It takes time and effort to overcome years of conditioning, but we all have the power to do it.

    Photo by Ewen Roberts

  • How Simple Mini Habits Can Change Your Life

    How Simple Mini Habits Can Change Your Life

    “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts

    It was late 2012, just after Christmas, and like many others I was reflecting on the year.

    I realized that I had ample room for improvement in too many areas of my life, but knowing that New Year’s Resolutions have a poor 8% success rate (University of Scranton research), I wanted to explore some other options. I knew I wanted to start before January 1st too, because arbitrary start dates don’t sit well with me.

    On December 28th, I decided that I wanted to get in great shape. In the previous days and weeks, however, I hardly exercised at all and felt quite guilty about it. My goal was a thirty-minute workout, and it seemed impossible.

    I wasn’t motivated, I was tired, and my guilt was making me feel worthless. Feeling stuck, I remembered a technique I learned from a book, and little did I know that this technique would change my life in a big way in 2013.

    The technique is from the creativity book Thinkertoys, and it is to consider the opposite of an idea you’re stuck on. So I looked at my thirty-minute exercise goal, and my giant fitness plan to get in great shape, and I thought about the opposite.

    You could say the opposite is eating fast food and sitting on the couch, but the opposite that came to my mind was one of size.

    What if, instead of carrying around this overwhelming fitness anvil on my shoulders, I just did one push-up?

    Initially, I scoffed at the idea. How absurd to do a single push-up and act as if it means anything! But when I continued to struggle with my bigger plans, I finally gave in to the idea and did one, and since I was already in push-up position, I did a few more.

    After that, my muscles were warmed up, and I decided to try one pull-up. Just like you guessed, I ended up doing several more. Eventually, I had exercised for thirty minutes.

    My mind was blown—did I just turn a single push-up into a full workout? Yes, yes I did.

    The One Push-Up Challenge Is Born

    From here, I challenged my blog readers to do at least one push-up per day for a full year. People have had great success with it, and here’s what it turned into for me: For the last three-plus months, I have gone to the gym three to six times per week to exercise and I’m in great shape because of it. Now I know why it works.

    I have always held a keen interest in psychology and neuroscience, and I study them for my writing. So when I read about the studies on willpower that show it’s a limited resource, everything started making sense.

    I couldn’t do my thirty-minute workout because my willpower wasn’t strong enough or was depleted. But I could do one push-up and segue into a thirty-minute workout because it only required a tiny amount of willpower to start, after which my body and mind stopped resisting the idea.

    Of course, this concept does not only apply to fitness, but to any area of your life you wish to change. And I believe I’ve found the perfect way to leverage this technique – habits.

    What’s More Important Than Your Habits?

    Nothing. Habits form about 45% of your total behavior, according to a Duke University study. Not only that, but they are behaviors that you repeat frequently, which compounds their significance in your life. Habits are your foundation, and if this foundation is weak, you won’t be happy with the way you live.

    The reason people fail to change their lives, and fail to instill new habits, is because they try to do too much at once. In simplest terms, if your new habit requires more willpower than you can muster, you will fail. If your new habit requires less willpower than you can muster, you will succeed.

    The calculation can’t just be for one instance, however, but also for when you’re tired and your willpower is zapped. Can you continue it then?

    One thing I’ve been wanting to do more is write. It’s therapeutic for me and I write for a living, so it’s fairly important that I practice. When I found that I wasn’t writing as much as I should, I found out how to combine the power of The One Push-Up Challenge with a habit plan.

    How To Change Your Life With Mini Habits

    Mini habits are exactly as they sound. First, you choose a desired habit or change you’d like to make—it could be thinking more positively, writing 1,000 words a day, or reading two books per week. I’ve had success doing three at once.

    Next, you shrink these habits down until they are “stupid small,” a term I made up because when you say the requirement out loud, it is so small that it sounds stupid. Here are mine:

    1. Write fifty words per day (article, story, etc.)

    2. Write fifty words per day (for the habits book I’m writing)

    3. Read two pages in a book per day

    Easy, right? I could complete this list in ten minutes total. So far, I’ve met these daily requirements 100% of the time, and then much more.

    I’ve actually written one to two thousand words and read ten to thirty pages per day, for these twelve days in a row and counting. Prior to this, I wasn’t reading at all and writing very little.

    It works because your brain falls for the bait.

    “Oh, only fifty words? I can write that.”

    And then you start. And you’ll find, like I have, that once you start, good things happen.

    Ten Daily Mini Habit Ideas

    1. Compliment one person

    2. Think two positive thoughts

    3. Meditate for one minute

    4. Name three things you’re thankful for

    5. Do one push-up

    6. Write fifty words

    7. Read two pages

    8. Do ten jumping jacks

    9. Go outside and take 100 steps

    10. Drink one glass of water

    You can change nearly any area of your life, and at one mini habit at a time, it’s easier than you think.

    When you remove the pressure and expectations, you allow yourself to start.

    What mini habit(s) will you start today?

  • 4 Ways to Know If You’re Ready for a Simpler Life

    4 Ways to Know If You’re Ready for a Simpler Life

    “Be who you want to be, not what others want to see.” ~Unknown

    Growing up in a consumer society has its obvious advantages—technology is abundant, restaurants are everywhere your eyes can see, and grocery store shelves are always full. All of this leads to the illusion that everything is available, in quantity, all of the time, and for the most part it is.

    I was born and raised in a consumer culture and I thought I had it all; the ability to buy whatever I wanted and needed was deeply ingrained in my psyche. In my childhood I had toys, stuffed animals to decorate my bed, Nintendo, a swimming pool in the backyard, a unicycle, my own little black and white portable TV, and a closet full of shoes.

    My tastes changed over time, but until I became an adult at the age of twenty-eight my perception about shopping and acquiring stuff was on the naive end of the spectrum.

    It didn’t matter where things came from, so long as they came and there was a temporary happiness associated with each and every purchase.

    Change. Something must change. I heard whispers in the night.

    The things I had accumulated were not bringing joy; what was more, they weren’t even being worn or used. I thought about the excess, my excess, others’ excess, the excess from stores that never gets sold and has to go somewhere, then I considered for a moment the environment.

    My husband and I moved from a one bedroom apartment in Seattle to the plains of southeastern Hungary to immerse ourselves in quiet country life.

    We had a strong desire to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. We purchased a five hectare farm with cob buildings, built without foundations and just silt under the tile floors. Electricity, but no running water.

    It was ours—the trials, the warmth of the fireplace, the peace and quiet to reflect on life.

    After five years of spending mornings in silence, listening to the sounds of pheasants, guinea, and owls, our closeness to nature started to become rapidly apparent. Simplicity crept into our lives as an inkling of an answer of previously soft-spoken whispers.

    Drawing water from the well, bucket by bucket, spinning wool, and preserving fruit, the introduction of self-reliance into our lives was profoundly exciting and exhilarating at the same time.

    Paring down and wising up, we slowly became eco-minimalists.

    There are downsides to being “different”: We have lost friends along the way, our parents don’t quite understand our determined stance on living a simple life, and it isn’t easy being green. So, is living an unconventional simple life worth it? By all means, yes!

    The rewards are beautiful when you truly accept gratitude into your heart. Gratitude for the little things in life: the meaningful conversations, the love, the laughter, the roof over your head (never to be taken for granted), the ability to cook for yourself and sew your own clothes.

    How do you know if you are suited for a different kind of simple living? You are ready to live life on your own terms, for your own pursuit of happiness.

    Distancing yourself from society may be necessary to get out of the brain smog, so that you have the ability to think for yourself without the white noises of traffic, bells, and life on the street. Spending time in silence does wonders for restoring the soul and giving you time to emerge into a new persona, a more intelligent version of your former self.

    1. When memories become the real worth in your life, not things.

    Think about your past, your childhood. What memories stand out? The number of toys you owned or the family and friends that you shared those special toys with? That you got to go hiking in a canyon or shopping in a cityscape?

    Chances are good that it was the experiences that made life enjoyable, not the stuff—the people that you remember, the good times and the bad, the memories that last a lifetime.

    2. When connecting with nature is a desire, not a chore.

    Getting outside for fresh air daily is not only good for your lungs, it may help to simplify your life. It gives you the opportunity to walk, ride a bike, and move your limbs, a natural way to keep fit.

    Connect with the earth by walking barefoot, laying in the grass, looking up at the sky and by allowing yourself to feel small in the vast universe.

    3. When you are tired of the chase.

    A life lived slowly is a life well lived. When we rush we miss expressions, we miss flowers in bloom, and we miss moments that will fly right by. Slow down!

    Life is not a race. There is no competition; there is no need to whiz by. There is however a need to enjoy the details, to smile at the clouds and have the ability to wait. Patience is an esteemed virtue that we can all strive for.

    4. Interest-led learning excites you!

    Simple living is all about self-reliance. The ability to learn things on your own shows your determination, flexibility, and open-mindedness. When you learn new things out of your own interest, you are sure to embrace new ideas and take them far.

    We didn’t become the architects and engineers our family and friends wished us to be, we didn’t even become who we thought we would be. Instead, we became us—and we are extremely joyous and grateful for that.

    Wherever you go, be the change you would like to see in the world.

    You don’t need to change addresses or move mountains to discover simplicity. You don’t even need to travel. You can find it right in your own home. Create new memories, go for a walk and connect with nature, explore self-reliance and be open to taking your new life in, slowly.

  • Finding a Good Match: Know What You Want and Need in a Relationship

    Finding a Good Match: Know What You Want and Need in a Relationship

    “You’ll never find the right person if you never let go of the wrong one.” ~Unknown

    I recently left a relationship that I was not happy in. Although my ex was definitely an unconditional lover, it painfully bothered me that the man I loved was not taking care of his responsibilities.

    Since I’ve entered my twenties, I’ve been looking for more than just a good time; I need a stable partner who will be able to meet our shared expenses and obligations in the future. So, I was faced with the crucial, inevitable decision of calling it quits.

    I cried the first few nights, but every night after was a learning experience. I realized that no matter how much he loved me, I needed more from the relationship than he could give.

    While I was still in it, he kept telling me that I made the entire relationship about me, saying, “You are only worried about your happiness. What about mine?”

    Although he was right about his happiness being important, I realized something: my happiness is just as important, and I cannot—and should not have to—sacrifice mine for his.

    Half of a couple can’t be happy while the other half is miserable. If neither is happy, then the relationship is already over.

    A few weeks after the big break, I began asking myself what I wanted out of a relationship. Who am I? What do I need?

    I wrote down a list of my nice-to-haves and my non-negotiables. This allowed me to see my past relationship for what it was: not what I really wanted. And thus, I experienced little pain and was able to move on gracefully.

    Don’t get me wrong, I felt incredibly terrible for breaking his heart. I have always been the one to break things off, but I wasn’t so sure if I ever broke a guy’s heart until the day I broke his.

    But I had to learn to forgive myself because I knew the relationship wouldn’t last. And it was better to break his heart now than to stay in it for far too long and inescapably break it later.

    He eventually told me I was his only source of happiness, but just as you shouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness, you shouldn’t be responsible for another’s happiness either.

    Happiness should come from within. If you have it before you enter the relationship, once ties are severed and the mourning phase is over, you will surely have it again.

    The greatest lesson I learned is that you have to know what you want before the relationship starts.

    When people say, “I don’t know what I want, but when I see it, I’ll know,” they are usually the ones who stick around in a relationship longer than necessary because they weren’t sure of what they wanted from the beginning. This causes unnecessary trial and error and a lot more pain.

    It doesn’t take long to ask yourself what it is you desire and write it down. You may not know for certain right away, but you should at least have a rough idea. Getting to know yourself better can help with this.

    Dating can also help refine your list, but making a serious commitment before really understanding your requirements in a relationship can be detrimental.

    Typically when we go into a relationship without truly understanding our requirements, we end up trying to change our partner, which never ends well.

    A loving relationship is meant to be the reward of knowing what you wanted and receiving it. Getting into a relationship in order to figure out what you want is backwards.

    Ask yourself what it is you appreciate in a partner. What will cause you to write off a potential partner (perhaps not having the same goals and dreams)? This is important because if we don’t determine what we will and will not accept, we end up accepting anything.

    But even more importantly, don’t forget about yourself. Get to know your own personal likes and dislikes. This is the one time where everything can be about what you want.

    When we’re in a relationship, we’re always so busy trying to learn about another person’s wants, needs, goals, and aspirations that we oftentimes forget about our own.

    During this time you don’t have to ask anyone for affirmation. All of your decisions are your own. No one can tell you who to be.

    And while in a relationship, you still have to remember that you complete yourself. The man or woman you’re with does not define who you are, and you do not need him or her to be complete. Your self-esteem should not begin or end with how that person feels about you.

    Be willing to give the person you love the shirt off your back, but your self-worth? Never give them that.

    You have to honestly know that you will be happy with or without them. This little piece of knowledge makes it easier for you to leave a relationship that causes you anguish, and find one that better serves you.

    That’s not to say that relationships are perfect and no one will ever hurt you; that’s certainly not the case. Every person will come with his or her own flaws, and every relationship will require a little work. You just have to know what you’re willing to work through and what you’re not.

    Some words of advice my wise mother once gave me: you are the prize. How big of a prize is defined by how much you love and respect yourself. You determine how much you are worth. Nobody else.

    Sometimes love can turn into a battle that we want to win but can’t. Many relationships aren’t meant to be. That doesn’t make it your fault, and it doesn’t make it the other person’s fault; it just makes it life.

    Whatever the case, you should never sacrifice your dignity at the expense of a futile relationship.

    As for me, I couldn’t wait for him to be who I needed him to be. And I couldn’t change him either. I had to do what was best for me and for him as well.

    If it were meant to be, it would’ve been right from the beginning.

    I just have to go out into the world and find someone who better suits me. In the meantime, I am discovering a lot about myself, things I would’ve probably never known otherwise.

    You must never get so caught up in your other half’s happiness that you forget about your own, and what matters most to you.

    By the time I get into my next relationship, I will have better clarity of what I want and what I need.

    But for right now, I am the love of my life. I am hoping that eventually I can share my love and happiness with another being, and he can share his with me.

    Romance does not only consist of loving another, but also finding it easy to love oneself in the process. And I have to remind myself to never lose sight of that self-love.

  • A Lasting Romance Is Built on Flaws: 6 Tips for a Strong Relationship

    A Lasting Romance Is Built on Flaws: 6 Tips for a Strong Relationship

    “Let our scars fall in love.” ~Galway Kinnell

    We all bring our own baggage to any relationship. I know that my past relationships have shaped my approach to love and romance. When we seek out that special someone to share our life, the disappointments of our past relationships tend to get in the way of new discoveries.

    It’s human nature to size up a potential partner by drawing from past experience.

    There are so many ways to catalog the possible flaws: He’s too short. She’s too tall. Too fat. Too thin. Not enough education. Too much education. Or you become judgmental about how much your date eats or drinks or how they interact with other people.

    The perceived flaws get in the way of making a connection.

    It’s like the three bears’ approach to dating, looking for that partner who is “just right.” Too often we make the mistake of looking for a mirror of ourselves in a partner.

    After a while, I realized that the perfect mate doesn’t exist. There is no “right” person who has everything on my perfect mate checklist. And even if I found someone with everything I was looking for, wouldn’t that relationship become dull with time? They’d be too much like me.

    I finally figured out that it’s better to seek out a partner who understands and shares my failings; someone who would complement my worst characteristics. To find my soul mate, I first needed to be able to look inside, examine my character defects, and change them or embrace them.

    As I got older, I stopped trying so hard. I started to relax, be myself, and invite women to accept me for who I am, flaws and all.

    I can be geeky. I can be arrogant. I can be aloof. I can be a real know-it-all. I can be selfish. I have any number of character defects. But by taking my own inventory and laying my faults on the table for all to see, I could invite someone to accept me for me.

    I finally married at age fifty. It took me that long to figure out that I had to be true to myself in order to be true to a partner. And now I have a beautiful wife and two terrific stepchildren who love me for me—flaws and all.

    Like any family, we have our fights. When we forget how to tolerate the other’s defects, my wife and I can get into a real shouting match. It’s at those moments that I have to remind myself to embrace our flaws and follow some simple rules:

    1. Communicate.

    I tend to live too much in my head, and when I listen to my own inner voices too long, I lose touch with what’s real and start imagining the worst. Good communication solves that problem.

    My wife and I share our feelings, our anxieties, our hopes, and our dreams. We communicate, but we try not to take on each other’s problems as our own. Just simply saying “I’m having a bad day,” or “I don’t really want to talk about that now,” we can stay connected and leave the doors of communication open without getting into a fight.

    2. Respect each other.

    Even when we disagree I always try to give my wife the respect she deserves. When we do fight, we try to practice fair fighting, being respectful of the other party and hearing their side. If you are considerate of your partner, it’s easier to find a middle ground.

    3. Respect each other’s space.

    And we make sure we give each other space. We each have friends and activities we pursue on our own.

    My wife will go out with her girlfriends to hear a local band or see a ballgame, and it’s understood that I’m not welcome. I also work at home and we have set ground rules around my hours and my workspace. For example, my wife keeps our house spotless and she knows that, even though I am a slob, my office is off-limits; it’s my space.

    4. Rely on each other.

    No matter what we are doing or how busy we get, we know we can count on each other for support.

    I try to call on that support when I really need it, so I don’t take it for granted. And if my wife needs help with a technical problem or is worried about the kids, I make time to assist or lend a sympathetic ear.

    As we have grown together we have become better at triaging crises; if a problem can wait, we set a time aside to deal with it when we can both give it our full attention.

    5. Take your own pulse.

    I try to stay in tune with my own moods and feelings to make sure my inner demons don’t affect my family.

    When my inner voices start to whisper to me, I can start blaming my family for my own failings. It’s then that I pause, take a deep breath, and try to distinguish what is real and what is imagined. It eliminates a lot of family drama.

    6. Keep the romance alive.

    Despite busy schedules, my wife and I take time out for each other. Friday is date night and it’s sacrosanct. We go to dinner, take in a movie, or find some activity we can share and enjoy together. We also work to make time on weekends for joint activities, even if it’s grocery shopping or a trip the hardware store together.

    After many years of self-examination and soul-searching I understand that I am the only constant in any relationship. When I found a partner willing to love me for my flaws as well as my good points, I knew I had found the right mate.

    Even when I screw up, the foundation we have built tolerating and even celebrating each other’s faults and foibles, our humanness, is strong enough to withstand anything.

  • We Have the Strength to Move Through Pain and Uncertainty

    We Have the Strength to Move Through Pain and Uncertainty

    See the Light

    “Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.” ~Unknown

    Earlier this year our beloved puppy got sick. Not just a poorly tummy kind of sick, but proper, life-threatening, blood transfusion-requiring sick. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. She was at death’s door.

    The vet was talking to us in quiet and kindly tones. Using words like “grave.”

    Her illness was apparently unusual in a dog her age. Her prognosis was uncertain. She would require months of treatment that may or may not work. We were to watch her for signs of deterioration. Note changes in her appetite and energy levels.

    And then it was our son’s turn. He didn’t get sick. But something in his physiology concerned the doctors. That meant he had to undergo surgery in order to rule out a cancer that the consultant told us would be extremely serious for him.

    Like the puppy, we were asked to monitor his energy levels, his appetite, his sleep. We were advised to keep a close eye on him while the tests were completed. To report any changes.

    Twice in quick succession, life threw us a curve ball. Twice, the otherwise hunky-dory life we had been enjoying became something altogether less comfortable.

    We’d been happily plodding along in a bit of a smug bubble. We seemed to have it all going on. Not perfect—not by a long shot. But pretty darn good.

    Bad things, it seemed, happened to other people. It’s just how it was…until we abruptly found ourselves living in a far more anxiety provoking reality—a reality that looked nothing like the shiny existence we’d been enjoying.

    At times my anxiety was crippling. The uncertainty felt hideous. My desire to rush to the safety of certainty, and answers, was overwhelming. I was desperate to define what I was feeling, and what we were experiencing.

    Online searches of both conditions were terrifying. Hopeless. My stomach would lurch as I read yet another firsthand account of a dog, or a boy, facing these illnesses.

    There was no certainty. No answers. No comfort to be had. Answers, good or bad, would take time. I was in pain. I felt like I was falling. I felt an intense kind of shame at our overt imperfection as a family.

    We were becoming other people. The other people who I had always had sympathy for, but apparently no empathy.

    I had protected myself from their pain, and my fear, by subconsciously telling myself they were different somehow. I jealously looked on, as those around me appeared to be enjoying a carefree existence filled with a certainty that I was being denied.

    Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. The dog recovered, against all the odds. Our boy was found to be cancer free. I am grateful beyond measure for both these outcomes.

    But I am also profoundly grateful for what these experiences taught me.

    They showed me that when adversity hits, there’s no value in running or hiding. While the drive to do this is so incredibly understandable, and our instinctive need to take flight to keep ourselves safe can feel overwhelming, it just doesn’t help.

    I realized that despite my deepest held wish for all the hideousness to disappear, to be relieved from the pain I was in, there was no way around it.

    When life throws you a curve ball, I realized that you have to feel the feelings. You have to sit with the deep discomfort of the uncertainty you face. You have to breathe through it, even when it feels like it may swamp you entirely.

    It’s like sitting at the water’s edge and letting a big wave hit you. It’s like allowing yourself to be swept up, tossed around in the water and dumped mercilessly, sandy and undignified on the shore.

    And here’s the thing that was the biggest revelation for me: All the while this is going on—when life appears to be showing you no mercy—you have it in you to give yourself the soothing comfort you so desperately crave.

    You can sit in solidarity with yourself in your pain. You can rub your own back as you sit, head in your hands, despairing at the edge of the road.

    You can encourage yourself to breathe in and out. Remind yourself that you’re not alone. That all humans know the pain of uncertainty and fear. That while your circumstances may be unique, your suffering is not.

    Which ultimately gives you strength to look your pain in the eye. To sit with it, acknowledge it, and move through it.

    My experience has left me changed—humbled, and a little bruised by having to recognize my utter vulnerability in the face of life’s randomness. But it’s also left me hopeful that when adversity does strike again (and I have no doubt that it will) I have it in me to see my way through the pain.

    And so do you.

    Photo by Martin Fisch

  • 4 Tips to Help You Keep Going When You’re Filled with Doubt

    4 Tips to Help You Keep Going When You’re Filled with Doubt

    “Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake.” ~Francis Bacon Sr.

    “Just research, research, research. That’s what grad school is.”

    It seemed as though that was all I was hearing from my professors, and it wasn’t helpful.

    Since returning to school to get my master’s degree, I had maintained a 4.0 average, but I also hadn’t taken more than two classes at a time. Until now.

    When I enrolled for the fall semester, I chose to take twelve hours, or one full class more than the nine maximum hours recommended. I did this against the advice of my advisor, and I did this knowing that I also had three jobs and three children.

    I told myself then that it was only sixteen weeks, and anyone could get through sixteen weeks. I told myself that my kids were older (sophomore, junior, and out of school) and didn’t need me like they used to. I told myself that I was unstoppable.

    And I did feel unstoppable. Until I actually started the semester. Suddenly, juggling fifty hours of work, ten hours of commute, and twelve hours of school seemed like the dumbest thing I could do to myself. I had no days off. I had to budget my time down to each hour. I rarely saw my kids.

    My husband travels for work and he was on a long job in Canada, so that helped as far as my guilt over not being around for him, but he was due to come back soon, and I was going to be too busy to spend quality time with him.

    So it was, upon hearing the seminar speaker recommend researching exhaustively, that I felt dangerously close to tears.

    What am I doing? I thought to myself. Why am I even here? There’s no guarantee I’ll find a job after graduation. A master’s degree doesn’t equal a guarantee. Why am I doing this and missing all this time with my kids? Why am I doing this at my age? I have no right to be here. I’m too old. I’m not smart enough. Everyone else seems so with it. How much longer can I fake my way through this?

    If I hadn’t already paid (and that was another thing, why did I waste this money that could have gone toward something worthier, like my children?), I would have dropped out. I continued to go to every class, feeling like I was losing my grip a little more week by week, growing ever closer to complete panic.

    Then one day I walked into my International Communication class, and a fellow student asked if she could share a video. The professor agreed, and so it was that I watched something that changed my thinking.

    The video was called “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are,” and it was a beautiful speech by Amy Cuddy about learning to understand your own abilities. It was very motivational, dealing with power poses and teaching yourself confidence.

    The video itself put me in my place. But it was one line in particular that really struck me.

    “Fake it until you make it,” Cuddy said, “and if you don’t, fake it until you become it.”

    She was speaking of her own journey returning to school after a debilitating brain injury, but she was also speaking of a student she had advised who had come into her office ready to drop out because she just wasn’t smart enough to keep going in her program.

    Seeing this woman, who had once been told her head injury was so great that college would no longer be an option for her, who had been told that she would be lucky to hold a job, speaking about her long battle to return to school, really hit me.

    Here was someone who had fought a real battle. She had struggled for years to be able to return to school, and here I was whining about sixteen weeks? I didn’t even have a disability to overcome—except the power of my own negative thinking.

    From that point forth, I decided that I did have a right to be sitting in that classroom. I did have a right to be enrolled in the graduate program, and I did have what it took to graduate. So I made myself a little list of motivators.

    1. Give up attachment.

    In my case, it was crippling fear, but in generalization, it’s attachment to any negative self-talk you have.

    I attached fear to my enrollment in the graduate program, and it had been overriding everything and holding me down.

    By giving up my attachment to that abusive inner dialogue, I was able to release some of that fear and anxiety I associated with school. I was able to look at it objectively by removing myself from it emotionally. I have to remind myself every day to hold onto that objectivity and release the fear, but so far it’s working.

    2. Fake it until you make it.

    This is obviously right out of Cuddy’s playbook, but she was right. When I started to pretend like I was just as smart as everyone else in my classes, I felt a little ridiculous. But after a couple of weeks, I started to realize that I had just as much to contribute as anyone else.

    We’re all different people, so wouldn’t it make sense that we approached the class differently? Once I realized that different didn’t mean smarter, I was able to relax and actually absorb some knowledge.

    3. Remember that nothing lasts forever.

    If I had dropped out of the program, I obviously wouldn’t graduate. This stress is only temporary. When it’s over, I’ll have a master’s degree, and nobody can take that away from me. It will be worth it in the end, and I’ll be a stronger person for it.

    4. Take it one day at a time.

    There is no use holding onto stress and misery over something in the future. Do what you can today. Then repeat it the next day. But this moment is all we have. Seize it.

    Am I magically a more well-adjusted, intelligent, and super-fun person as a result of all of this? Absolutely not. I still struggle almost daily, but it’s different now.

    I know what I have to do, and I broke it all down into manageable pieces. I tell myself, “This is all you have to do today.” It truly makes a difference.

    If you’re struggling over an obstacle in your life, remind yourself that all you can do is live in the moment you’re in right now. Don’t believe everything that you think. And you are good enough. We all have anxiety and we all have stumbling blocks. Think of them as inner strength boosters.

    As for me, well, I’m halfway through. But that doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is today. And it’s a pretty good day.

  • 5 Surprising Things I Learned During a Year of Silence

    5 Surprising Things I Learned During a Year of Silence

    “Freedom is instantaneous the moment we accept things as they are.” ~Karen Maezen Miller

    Four years ago I spent the better part of a year being silent.

    A friend had told me that in silence, the bits of you that need healing heal themselves. He was talking about the bits of me that had pushed me until I was sick and depressed, too anxious to answer the door.

    I call it my year of silence, but it was more like a year of “doing nothing” because I wasn’t silently reading a book or silently reorganizing my cutlery drawer; I was just sitting. The not doing was the really challenging part.

    Much of what I learned from that year was different to what I’d expected. Five things that surprised me the most were:

    1. A unique meditation

    My brief going in was “The less you do, the better.” Things I’d considered useful and productive—reading, writing, talking, cooking, and even cleaning—were now distractions. “Let your thoughts run,” my friend said. “Notice them if you want to, but leave them to themselves.”

    And so, I just sat.

    After five days I called and said, “I feel like I used to when I meditated.”

    I didn’t get it. Meditation is when you focus on one thing; I was letting my mind leap about. But when you sit without distractions you start to see your thoughts for what they are, just thoughts, and as you do, you reconnect with the you beneath your thoughts.

    It felt like meditation because it was meditation.

    I saw a poster recently that said, “I missed meditation today, which makes seven years in a row.” That’s pretty much how I used to feel too.

    Now I know that every time I just sit, without distraction, even if it’s for half an hour, it’s meditation.

    2. The din of silence

    Being silent sounds peaceful, right?

    It’s not.

    It’s like pulling up a chair with your harshest, most foul-mouthed critic and saying, “Okay, tell me what you really think?”

    And while there were some “I’m connected to all things” times, there were also the “I want to stab myself” times. (I’m only half kidding.)

    Think of your mind as a spoiled child indulged with toys and shiny objects its whole life— books to read, things to watch, goals to work toward, scrabble.

    When you do nothing, there are no toys.

    Here’s a poem I wrote in one of my sneaky, writing moments.

    Having a Knees Up
    The only place my
    head wants to be, is
    under the covers
    close to my knees.

    There is no uplifting message to this point; just wanted to say, it can get gnarly.

    3. A year of minutes

    Your mind is a doing things junkie. It almost doesn’t care what you do.

    It’s like a heroin addict. No heroin? I’ll take crack. Finished the last episode of Walking Dead; I’ll take the video of the cat in a shark suit.

    I began this not doing lark for just one day, but I carried on because, for the first time in a long time, it felt right. My mind, however, thought I was a loser. It said things like:

    “How are you going to get anywhere like this?!”
    “Let’s start a blog and write about this.”
    “Elizabeth Gilbert went to India. You should go to India.”
    “Oh, learn Māori. You’ve always wanted to do that.”

    The urge to do was gargantuan. It was also epic. Mighty. And colossal. Thank you thesaurus, I think we’ve made our point.

    And it was made worse by all the cool ideas I was having. Silence does that. And a few of them were actually cool.

    My mind was relentless.

    Early on I realized the challenge wasn’t doing this for a year, but hanging-in until lunchtime.

    The only way through was minute by minute. Not in thinking how awesomely silent I’d been the day before—nice thought—or thinking about what lay ahead, but by being present in the moment.

    As time went on it got easier. My mind got tired of being ignored and stopped talking so much.

    4. The wrong guy for the job

    There is nothing like watching your mind to really get to know it.

    I hadn’t realized how bossy it was. How much it worried. Or that it’s so terrified of change it’ll do anything to maintain the status quo, even when the status quo is you being too anxious to answer the door, or whatever hole/habit you might be stuck in.

    I began to understand my mind’s basic nature. And how the most important thing to the mind is to be alert for danger.

    I realized that the problem wasn’t my mind—it was me. I’d given it the wrong job. I’d mistakenly put it in charge of my life.

    When my body told me to rest, my mind said, “No, try harder,” so I did.

    When I had an idea to do something, my mind said, “But no one else does it like that.” And so I didn’t either.

    I constantly allowed my mind to overrule deeper wisdom and natural desire. I didn’t allow the rhythm and energy of life to flow through me; I tried to control it.

    Letting your mind rule your life is like asking your inner eight year old to organize the next presidential campaign; she doesn’t know how and spends most of her time trying to look good in front of her friends. 

    5. The holy grail—acceptance

    Silence helps you find balance.

    Silence comes in different shapes. Silence is meditation. Silence is doing nothing. Silence can be standing in line without checking your phone.

    Silence helps you see your mind is just one part of you. Silence helps you hear your wise inner voice.

    But I also learned something far deeper and even more important; the cat inside the shark suit…

    Human beings try hard. At everything. For instance, at one stage I tried so hard at doing nothing that I became phobic. (Yep.) And you might be thinking, if I were silent for a year I could be as calm and relaxed as Lisa is.

    Firstly, ha ha about me feeling calm all the time. Secondly, that’s your mind talking.

    The key to feeling self-assured and peaceful doesn’t come from some arduous journey, like being silent for a year, but in living life day to day.

    People often ask me, but how do I feel calm and “positive” all the time? The answer: you don’t. Stop trying to. And when you do, gradually the moments that feel good start to expand and the ones that don’t start to recede.

    When you have a clear moment, you have a clear moment. But those other non-clear moments, they’re perfectly fine too.

    When you have a positive, life-affirming thought, this is fine, but so are all those cranky not so life-affirming thoughts.

    Practicing acceptance is the master key.

  • When Things Don’t Go As Planned: Transform Disappointment into Action

    When Things Don’t Go As Planned: Transform Disappointment into Action

    Deep Thought

    “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” ~James Joyce

    I’ve had a bit of experience with disappointment. I got very motivated to change my relationship with it when I was in my twenties and starting my acupuncture practice.

    I knew it would take time to build my client base; what I didn’t realize, or more likely was in denial about, was that a very effective way of doing that was by arranging public speaking gigs. I absolutely hated public speaking. Big disappointment.

    I also didn’t consider how much work running a business really was. I had to talk to supplement vendors, deal with the landlord, make sure the copy machine was working, learn new computer programs, do the laundry, and on and on.

    I wanted to do acupuncture! I didn’t want to vacuum the floors and call about the errors on the phone bill! I realized pretty quickly I had to learn how to reassess my feelings of disappointment or I wouldn’t have the gumption and energy to continue on my quest.

    Having the tenacity to overcome disappointment is a necessary skill. Some disappointing experiences are unavoidable. Sometimes that engaging person we meet at the coffee shop doesn’t call, or the job we were a great fit for is offered to someone else.

    These things happen, and generally we can roll with it.

    However, with larger scale disappointments, or recurring disappointments, it’s great to have a strategy to transform that “down” feeling into motivated action.

    When we feel disappointed, it’s easy for us to slow down, to say, “Why bother?” and to allow ourselves to get knocked off our trajectory. The following steps can help shift our viewpoint and revamp those feelings into action.

    1. Explore your original expectations surrounding the goal.

    If there is disappointment, then there was expectation. So what was our initial expectation? The answer to this is sometimes surprising…

    Once that’s fleshed out, we can ask ourselves, was this expectation realistic? Was it well thought out? What was motivating the desired outcome to begin with? Did we do the steps that one might reasonably expect to do to experience this desired outcome?

    These can be hard questions. At times we’ll find our expectations are very reasonable. Other times, not so much. It can be tough to break down our desires, which are largely driven by emotions, in this logical manner.

    However, it’s a great practice that can help us to explore our expectations more deeply. It helped me to recognize that my initial expectations about having my own business were idealistic vs. real world.

    2. Make a decision.

    Armed with the information we’ve gathered from the previous set of explorations, it’s time to decide how we want to proceed.

    Our decision will fall into one of three categories:

    We can continue on in the same vein after the desired outcome.

    This would be a great route if we’ve decided that while, yes, it was disappointing that our favorite boutique doesn’t want to carry our new jewelry line, there are other cool shops in town we can approach as well.

    We can change the route we will take to reach the desired outcome.

    This can be the most complicated decision, depending on the outcome. We may realize we don’t have the training required to get the job we’d like, hence it being offered to someone else.

    We still want the job, so it may be time to look into continuing education or an unpaid internship to gain more experience. The outcome will remain the same, there’s just a bit of recalculating required to get there.

    We can change the desired outcome altogether.

    This is not about experiencing defeat or throwing in the towel. Rather, sometimes this type of deeper exploration will help us to further refine what our desires are.

    For example, I have a friend who wanted to go back to school for a degree in childhood education. After applying to several programs and being turned down, despite a great application and transcripts, her disappointment was pretty evident.

    I suggested these steps to her, and through personal question-asking she came to realize she didn’t want to go back to school at all. The key was that she wanted to work with children, so she decided to change the focus of her current profession, physical therapy, so that she specialized in working with kids.

    3. Install some new expectations.

    While the second step may have seemed like the last, don’t skip this third one!

    Regardless of which of the three types of decision we make, we want to make sure we toss out the old expectations and replace them with new, updated, and perhaps more informed (or more realistic) versions.

    If we have never jogged for exercise but want to start, setting a goal to run a 5k in six months time is more prudent then planning on a marathon. Making dinner for a friend when we are first learning to cook is more sensible then attempting a five-course dinner for 12.

    Keeping our incremental goals levelheaded while we dream big is a great way to reach those dreams.

    It’s common for successful people to describe their journey as a long series of minor and major obstacles, infused with a few glorious moments of achievement. Their ability to withstand disappointment, reassess their route, and continue on their road is an incredibly important part of their success.

    What disappointments have you overcome in your life and how did you grow from them?

    Photo by Shayan USA

  • When You’re Hard on Yourself: Replace Guilt with Self-Compassion

    When You’re Hard on Yourself: Replace Guilt with Self-Compassion

    “Be gentle with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

    “Guilty,” admits an offender. “Guilty,” proclaims a jury. Things are pretty black and white in trial verdicts and courtroom pleas (although there are still plea bargains and hung juries, mitigating circumstances and appeals).

    Life is rarely as cut-and-dried as the criminal justice system.

    I’ve experienced guilt in different shades of grey—in rational and many irrational ways that bear no real relation to the “crime” at hand, or to any crime at all.

    I’ve experienced guilt simply for how I think, how I feel, not for anything I’ve actually done or failed to do. Shame, really.

    And I’ve suffered guilt like a chronic disease, believing that I could never be “good enough” unless I somehow felt guilty, because of course I could always do/be better. (You see the strange logic, don’t you?)

    I’ve been far from gentle with myself.

    Guilt is a signal that you are striving to be better, and unless you’re doing that, you’re not good enough, or at least not acknowledging all the ways you aren’t perfect. Apparently! There’s always room for improvement, and guilt is the electric prod to remind you, lest you ever get self-satisfied.

    I’ve been unpacking, or should I say undressing, the anatomy of guilt lately. In true Irish Catholic tradition, I feel guilty for that!

    This ingrained religious belief came down my family line, passed on subconsciously most of the time, at other times with sharp criticism.

    I reckon the whole confession tradition encourages you to look for all the things you’ve done wrong rather than celebrate what you’ve done right. The doctrine reinforces all the ways you are fallible and unworthy rather than focusing on how you are simply human and born “good enough.”

    I was good at school, but that, in itself, didn’t make me good (which is just fine). Sure, I was praised for my grades, but I had a sense that it was never enough, even though my parents didn’t pressure me to achieve and correctly taught me that grades aren’t everything.

    Yet somehow there was almost too much pride in any kind of achievement, too much selfishness in any kind of ambition—guilt even made being good feel bad!

    It wasn’t so much about being a do-gooder, as only being allowed a very small quota of acceptable selfishness before guilt kicked in. As it should (or so I thought)!

    I heard the “love they neighbor” bit loudly, but forgot to listen to the “as you would love yourself”—the irony being that you can only love your neighbor based on how much you love yourself.

    Guilt can be fuel to change, to make amends, and that’s fine. Sometimes we need a guilty conscience to remind us that our thoughtless actions can have negative impacts, even if unintended. Remorse must surely come after criminal acts, or there is no room for rehabilitation.

    But when I find myself feeling guilty for feeling (not acting) selfish, I’m stuck in that shame spin cycle, going round and round.

    This was how I felt during our long struggle for children—infertile, guilty as charged. How irrational is that?

    I realize that I suffered a guilt complex along with the depression that descended in the mire of many cycles of IVF.

    Now as a parent of two beautiful adopted children, I’m trying not to pass on the guilt gene.

    And I have some tips on reframing guilt in your life.

    1. Only allow guilt as insight.

    This is the only positive version of remorse. If you’ve genuinely done something wrong, focus on the lesson and the alternative ways you’d act in the future as your “contrition” and motivator to change.

    2. Apologize, and then let it go.

    If you’ve done something that has hurt someone, apologize if you can and then let it go. Accept the gift of forgiveness graciously rather than beating yourself up. And if someone won’t forgive you, accept that your genuine expression of sorrow and regret is enough.

    3. Apply the logic test.

    Most guilt is illogical but it still feels the same way as “useful” guilt. Guilt does not equate to wrongdoing any more than joy equates to a new possession. If it doesn’t make sense (apply the objective test of a judge), then the verdict is “not guilty.”

    4. See guilt as a symptom of fear, more than a sign of caring.

    Often feeling guilty is a symptom of our fear of change—especially when we put off doing something for ourselves.

    You can make excuses that you’d feel bad (guilty) taking time out from looking after others to pursue a passion, when in fact you’re simply scared of chasing your dream. Of course, it’s good to care for others; just don’t use guilt as an excuse to care for yourself.

    5. Be compassionate.

    Start with being gentle with yourself and you’ll learn to be gentle to others. Be gentle with others and you’ll learn to be gentle to yourself.

    Being compassionate means you are “being good,” which should leave you with few (logical) reasons to feel guilty. Being self-compassionate means you’ll find fewer (logical) reasons to hold onto any remaining guilt.

    Guilt isn’t real; it’s only an emotional response, and often an irrational one.

    Compassion, on the other hand, is tangible and felt by others, played out in thoughtful actions, spoken in kind words, expressed in good deeds and in forgiveness.

    Guilt can’t exist where there is compassion, because compassion is understanding and non-judgmental.

    Guilt may have its place in courtrooms, but my verdict is the real answer lies in compassion and gentleness—starting with yourself.

  • Developing Self-Compassion When You Don’t Think You’re Enough

    Developing Self-Compassion When You Don’t Think You’re Enough

    sad face

    “He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.” ~Lao Tzu

    I’m at war with enoughness.

    My stomach isn’t flat enough; I’m not extroverted enough; I don’t have enough money in my wallet; I’m not creative enough; I’m not getting enough work done.

    There are times when the Jaws of Life cannot free me from my expectations and negative self-talk. The battle with enoughness is a vicious cycle. 

    Here’s an example: I’m both shy and introverted, so I’m afraid of being judged and I prefer quiet environments.

    I was easily overlooked in school because I was reluctant to participate verbally in class.

    During work meetings my ideas were mere whispers compared to the loud shouts from some of my extroverted coworkers.

    Because I prefer staying home on Friday nights, my peers often ask me, “What’s wrong?”

    I’ve convinced myself that something must be wrong with me, so when I have the opportunity to do something social, I either don’t go or I walk into the situation feeling self-conscious and inadequate. 

    Both of these choices fuel criticism. “See, I told you so,” my inner critic says. “You really aren’t enough!”

    The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines enough as “occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations.”

    When I criticize myself for not being enough or having enough, whose expectations am I trying to meet?

    It’s too easy to point my finger at society—the society that favors those with the loudest voices; equates self-worth with “what I do for a living;” and glamorizes infidelity, drug abuse, and teenage pregnancy. We’re all affected by the society we live in, there’s no question about it.

    With that said, we have to take full responsibility for our lives, and that includes tending to our own impossible expectations. 

    In the words of Mary Oliver, “You must not ever stop being whimsical. And you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life.”

    I have good news and I have bad news. Here’s the bad news: No one is coming to save you from your negative self-talk (addiction, abusive relationship, or draining job).

    And the good news? Facing the truth that you’re responsible for your life is incredibly liberating.

    This truth has motivated me to start treating myself better. If you’re anything like me, you’re your own worst enemy, so we could all use a bit more TLC.  Reclaim your self-compassion with the following three steps.

    1. Open your journal and draw a line down the center of the page. 

    For one day, record your self-talk in the left column. Then read over everything you wrote down.

    How many negative things did you tell yourself? How many positive things did you tell yourself? What issues were you especially negative about (for example, body image)?

    The point here is to become more aware of your thoughts. In the right column, write a positive thought next to each negative thought. When you read over the positive list, let the truth of how wonderful and lovable and beautiful you are sink in.

    2. Set realistic goals for yourself. 

    All too often, fueled by our impossible expectations, we set unattainable goals.

    For example, I worked for an English-language newspaper in Germany, and when I went to my first meeting I wanted everyone to like me.

    I had the same goal during the second meeting and all the meetings that followed, so I was hypersensitive to even the tiniest bit of criticism. I continued to be let down, which gave me more reason to criticize myself.

    Be my authentic self during the meetings—now this is a more realistic goal. That way, if my coworker said he didn’t like one of my ideas, for instance, I wouldn’t have taken it as a personal attack.

    3. Every day write down at least one thing (or five things!) you’re grateful for. 

    Remember the children’s book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? Just like Alexander, we’ll have days when everything goes wrong. And that’s okay.

    When you sleep through your alarm clock, your computer crashes and you lose your report, and your date cancels at the last minute, be mindful of the simple things: a hot shower, clean socks, or your dog greeting you at the door.

    Shifting your focus from what you don’t have to what you do have will boost your well-being.

    Changing the way we perceive ourselves will change the way we perceive others.

    If we tell ourselves we’re unlovable because we don’t have a significant other, what’s going to stop us from thinking our friend is worthless when she tells us that she is getting divorced?

    Recently during a yoga class, my teacher said something that made me catch my breath (literally):

    If someone says, “I love you,” it reflects the way she feels about herself; similarly, if someone says, “I hate you,” it reflects the way she feels about herself. I’ve never thought of it this way before, but it makes so much sense!

    Practicing self-compassion is not just for our own benefit; practicing self-compassion also benefits the people around us.

    Photo by Juanedc

  • The Greatest Lesson We Learn When Someone Is Unkind

    The Greatest Lesson We Learn When Someone Is Unkind

    Lonely Girl

    “I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.” ~Khalil Gibran

    I recently travelled to Malaysia for a friend’s wedding where I spent four delicious days communing with wild monkeys and feasting on sticky rice. The people were kind and warm, the culture rich, the trip magical.

    On my last day in Kuala Lumpur, I was headed out to buy souvenirs for family and friends when I stumbled across the most beautiful temple—filled with ornate gold and red statues, air thick with sweet-smelling smoke.

    I wandered around, overcome with majesty, trying to breathe it all in. I was still under the temple’s spell when someone spoke to me.

    “Your dress is ugly.”

    I looked to my right where the voice had come from. A woman was sitting on a bench, not looking in my direction.

    “Sorry?”  I said, thinking I must have misheard. She waved me off.

    I stood there for a moment, trying to decide on a course of action. She was American, the first and only other American I’d met during my trip.

    Had she really just said my dress was ugly? It was a simple blue affair, uncomplicated and perfect for traveling. Maybe she said my dress was pretty, I thought. I must have misunderstood.

    The hurt and confusion was rising to a crescendo in my head. But if I’ve learned anything over the last few years, it’s that we all have a choice of how we choose to respond to what we are given. I chose to engage.

    “Did you just say my dress is ugly?” I asked.

    “Yeah,” she said. “I did.”

    I took a deep breath and replied, calmly, “Why would you say that to me?”

    “I’m entitled to my opinion,” she said. “Your dress is ugly; I can tell it’s not well made. Your purse is dirty. I am free to voice my thoughts and those are my thoughts about you.” 

    To say it felt like getting slapped in the face would be an understatement; it was more of a punch to the gut. My blood boiled, my heart raced, and still I kept my voice at an even keel.

    “You are entitled to your own opinion,” I said. “But we also live in congress with other human beings. Why would you say something so aggressive and unkind?”

    At which point she reiterated her insults. Her words sliced coolly into the way I looked and the clothes I wore. That’s when I said the one thing I regret saying.

    “I wish there were fewer Americans like you traveling abroad,” I told her. “You give the rest of us a bad name.”

    I turned and walked away, and she yelled one more barb at my back as I walked out of the temple. I didn’t turn around.

    My hands were shaking as I walked down the street. I felt a strange knot of emotions in my chest: hurt, anger, fear.

    I was irrationally terrified that I would run into her again, that she would be sitting in the seat next to me on my flight home and I would be subjected to seventeen hours of her cruelty, unable to escape.

    But most of all I felt baffled. Why did this woman choose to attack me? Why had she said what she said?

    I couldn’t call my boyfriend, who was back in our sunny home in California, or my best friend in DC—both of whom were sound asleep halfway across the world. So I was left to process what had happened on my own, in a foreign country, without my normal triumvirate of “healthy coping mechanisms”: yoga, conversation, tea.

    And here’s what it all came down to: kindness.

    I had just read the wonderful convocation address given by George Saunders to the Syracuse class of 2013. George talks about something he calls a “failure of kindness,” and those three words were very much on my mind.

    Yes, you could say I had suffered from a failure of kindness. But what I realized was that I, too, had been unkind.

    I wish I hadn’t said what I said to her. That came from a place of being wounded, of feeling the need to fight back. I wish I had said: “I hope the people you meet are kind.”

    Because I do hope that for her. I hope that she is bathed in loving-kindness, that she is inundated with so much that she cannot help but share it with the world.

    While it’s true that kindness engenders kindness, the lack of it can be a powerful teacher.

    For my remaining hours in Kuala Lumpur, I was abundantly kind to everyone I met. I complimented a girl on her joyful spirit, told shop owners how beautiful their merchandise was, smiled widely and genuinely. I made a point to be kind to these warm, generous people who had so kindly shared their country with me.

    And every time I was shown kindness, no matter how small, I felt immeasurably grateful.

    That woman gave me a great gift. She reminded me that we all have a choice to be kind, and we are presented with that choice many times a day.

    Say a kind word to someone you don’t know.

    It doesn’t have to be an eloquent oration—a simple compliment can make someone’s day. If you like a man’s tie or a woman’s necklace, tell them so. And if you are struck by someone’s personality or spirit, thank them for it.

    Write a note to someone you appreciate.

    Tell a co-worker, family member, or friend what you appreciate about them. Don’t hold back. These are the sorts of gifts people treasure, often keeping that little slip of paper (or Facebook post) for many years to come.

    Tip someone who doesn’t normally get tips.

    This was easy in Malaysia, where tipping is rare—one young woman was so happy she went dancing down the hall. Tipping can be a great way to show people you are grateful for their service. I still remember the night I gave $10 to a tired young man at a Taco Bell drive-thru. His eyes lit up like fireflies.

    We’ve all committed failures of kindness when we are hurt, angry, or tired. But each of us holds within us the power to achieve triumphs of kindness every day.

    Photo by Robert Vitulano

  • A Simple but Powerful Way to Kick the Worry Habit

    A Simple but Powerful Way to Kick the Worry Habit

    “Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.” ~Swedish proverb

    I’m a worrier by nature, and I come by it honestly.

    My mother was afraid to cross bridges and ride in elevators, boats, and airplanes. Her mother died of cancer at the age of forty, and my mother spent many years—including those of my childhood—thinking every sniffle, fever, or headache might be the start of something fatal.

    Although I didn’t realize it at the time, growing up with a steady dose of anxiety, like an invisible intravenous drip, had its effect on my developing mind.

    I was an introverted, timid child. Afraid of the boys who threw snowballs, afraid of steep ski trails, afraid of not getting A’s in every subject, all the time. A lot of my anxiety got channeled into perfectionism, and—just like my mother—trying to control pretty much everything.

    The gift in my anxiety was a distinct drive to find peace. That quest led me to meditation at the tender age of nineteen.

    That was more than forty years ago. I was young and naïve and really had no idea what I was doing (the belief that I could banish worry forever being just one indication of my naiveté). But I persisted—and when I lost the thread of practice, I always eventually came back to it.

    Here’s one thing I’ve learned in forty-some years of meditation and awareness practice: There is a great deal that I’m not aware of. Still.

    That could be discouraging, and sometimes it is. But what keeps me on this path, what keeps me meditating and working to bring the light of mindful attention to the dark places in my mind and life, are the new awarenesses, the small victories I feel in moments when something that was unseen is all at once seen.

    There is a thrill in that, not perhaps like the thrill of speeding down a black diamond trail or any of those other physical challenges I’ve always been afraid of, but a thrill just the same.

    One day, not too long ago, I was driving to a train station to leave my car in a long-term lot while I visited New York for a few days. I had never been to this lot and as I drove, I was feeling the pressure of needing to find the lot, find a spot, and not miss the train.

    That feeling of pressure isn’t unusual when I have a deadline such as a train to catch. But this time, for some reason, I became more acutely aware of a subtle layer of physical and emotional tension.

    Just as I often do on the meditation cushion, I began to bring the feeling of tension more fully into awareness and to investigate it as I was driving. Here’s what I saw:

    1. I was facing an unknown (inconsequential as it was), which triggered anxiety because the unknown is impossible to control.

    2. My feelings were telling me a lie—that is, that this unknown situation had life-or-death consequences.

    And most importantly:

    3. How I was relating to the unknown of not being sure about where to park and how long it would take, this is how I relate to all unknowns in my life, large and small. That is, I approach the unknown with an underlying assumption that was completely unconscious until that moment: “It won’t work out.”

    Because I had become aware of it, I was able to question the assumption. I remembered Pema Chodron’s description of a traditional Tibetan Buddhist teaching, from Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living: “train in the three difficulties.”*

    The first “difficulty” is to see your unhelpful patterns of thought and behavior. The second is to “do something different.” The third is to continue doing that different thing.

    So, I asked myself, “What if I tried something different, and assumed it most likely would work out?” (That is, I would find the lot, be able to find a parking spot, and get to the train on time.)

    I tried to coax my brain toward this idea, and to resist the considerable energy drawing it back to the habitual, well-worn track of  “It won’t work out.”

    It felt strange, driving toward the station with the idea that finding parking and getting to the train was workable. I mean “strange” the way crossing your legs the opposite way from how you usually do feels strange. Not bad, really, but unfamiliar, foreign.

    But not too long after it felt strange, it felt incredibly liberating. Just as assuming “It won’t work out” is a pretty sure bet to breed anxiety, approaching an unknown with the assumption that it’s going to be workable is likely to induce at least some degree of calm and equanimity.

    And it did. My shoulders relaxed, my breathing deepened, and I felt a kind of mental brightening, as if a foreboding storm cloud had unexpectedly lifted.

    I’d like to say that was the moment when I cast aside the worn-out assumption that “It won’t work out” and replaced it—forevermore—with “It’s all workable.” Well, suffice it to say, I’m still working on the third difficulty: “Continue in that new way.”

    But that’s okay with me now, in a way it wouldn’t have been four decades ago. Instead of feeling impatient to get rid of that worry-driven assumption, I feel grateful that I became aware of it.

    And to me, that kind of awareness, arising seemingly spontaneously, is the fruit of meditation and whatever other ways we work to wake up. However imperfectly we make that effort, it does make a difference over time.

    Contrary to the incessant messages from our turbo-charged culture, here’s another piece of wisdom I’ve gleaned in forty-some years of meditating and sixty-some years of life: Most change happens bit by bit, one small “aha” at a time, with lots of practice in between.

    And there’s joy to be had—in each of those small awakenings, and in the winding path we walk toward the unknown, illumined by the light of one humble, thrilling realization after another.

    (By the way–no surprise—I did find the lot and a parking space, and got to the train with plenty of time. It did work out.)

  • 9 Insights on Dealing with Change, Challenges, and Pain

    9 Insights on Dealing with Change, Challenges, and Pain

    Rainy Day

    “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts

    This year has been one of unprecedented change for me. From January to March, I traveled to Mozambique, Africa to do volunteer work. I did not speak the language; I did not understand the culture. I was immersed in a completely strange world for two months.

    In April, we put our house up for sale. The prospect of uprooting and moving is destabilizing, and one of life’s biggest stressors.

    Then in May my marriage failed, and I separated from my wife. We had been together for almost nine years. I became well acquainted with pain beyond anything I had ever known.

    In June I decided to attack my lifelong dream of singing in a rock band—mid-life crisis or perhaps an awakening of sorts.

    In August my son left home for university. It was a very exciting and emotional time for all of us, the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.

    And in September my last remaining grandparent, my grandmother, died at the age of ninety-seven. She was an incredible woman who saw so much change, and packed a whole lot of life into her years.

    Over the last nine months, amidst all the turbulence, challenges, and pain, a few insights gradually occurred to me:

    1. Nothing is permanent.

    Yet we are programmed for the opposite. We want life to feel safe and secure, and permanence gives us the illusion that it is.

    The reality is that nothing is permanent, and the only thing we know we can count on is change. The more we push for permanence in life, against the current, the more disappointed we become when we find it is not achievable to the extent we think it should be. But if we can accept the fluidity of life, everything changes.

    2. Time heals.

    Why is it that life can look hopeful one day, and so very dark the next? Very little of my actual situation has changed from one day to the next. But my perception of it can change minute by minute based on how I am feeling in that moment—tired or rested, peaceful or angry, whole or damaged.

    I am learning not to overreact in the moment, or make important decisions when I am feeling down.

    3. Practice gratitude.

    In the midst of turbulence, I have a strong tendency to dwell on the negative. And then everything looks dark and it snowballs.

    But there are always things to be grateful for in life—my friends, my health, my relationships, my next meal. I often think back to my time in Mozambique and remember the crippling poverty that most people live with there every day. And yet they are, by and large, a happy people.

    We can make a huge difference in our state of mind by focusing more on what we do have, how lucky we are, and counting our blessings.

    4. Be gentle with yourself.

    I am my own worst critic, focusing on my perceived failings and inadequacies. All this does, I have found, is reinforce the bad. And by reinforcing it, that is the reality I create for myself. So I am slowly learning to cut myself some slack, and perhaps even like who I am. What a concept!

    There is a direct correlation between how we treat ourselves and how we are with others out in the world. This is how we can learn to love.

    5. Be here now.

    I have a lifelong tendency to look back or forward—anything but being present. Guilt and shame look back, worry and anxiety look ahead. In either case, it is wasted energy.

    If I feel that I need to do something to set things right, then I should simply do it, then let it go and not allow these feelings to linger. For me, engaging in activities that force me to stay present helps: skiing, surfing, singing.

    6. Give up control.

    We can plan all we want, but there are much bigger forces at work out there. And the bigger plan for us may not coincide with what we think should happen or the planned timetable we have in our head.

    I will have faith that the universe wants to help me. My job is to see it, step out of the way, and let it work its magic.

    7. Be yourself.

    I have been a people pleaser for most of my life. There all kinds of expectations out there about what I should do, how I should do it, who I should be, and how I should fit in. And it is impossible for me to keep up, to satisfy everyone else. Far easier for me to finally learn just to be me, and to be comfortable with who that is.

    We can provide ourselves with a great deal of peace by learning to be ourselves and letting the chips fall where they may.

    8. Eat. Sleep. Exercise.

    This may seem basic, but when my life is in turmoil, I find that these can be the first to go out the window. I skip meals, or eat badly. My sleep suffers and when I am not rested, my whole perspective changes for the worse. That’s usually when I make bad decisions. I feel lethargic and tend to want to skip exercise.

    But these three are all connected, and they are some of the few things we actually can control to some degree. And when we force ourselves to practice good self-care, we feel better, stronger, and life seems brighter.

    9. Don’t fight the pain.

    It’s taken me a long time to learn this one. And I have a history of doing or using anything I can to not feel the pain. I know this doesn’t work because when I mask the pain, it never leaves. It just gets stronger, and comes out in other ways.

    Pain needs to be acknowledged. When we let ourselves feel it, it loses its grip and passes through us much more quickly.

    I have certainly not mastered any of these, but underpinning it all is a sense of heightened awareness about the feelings I have, and I’m beginning to recognize where these feelings come from. This is the first step in learning, accepting, and rolling with the changes that life offers up.

    Photo by Ben K. Adams