Tiny Buddha

Tag: Happiness

  • How We Can Reduce Our Suffering by Feeling Uncomfortable Feelings

    How We Can Reduce Our Suffering by Feeling Uncomfortable Feelings

    “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Just about everyone experiences sorrow at times. I know I do.

    The other morning, in fact, I was caught off guard by a very particular sorrow. Nothing happened, per se; but from the moment I awoke, I felt an aching sense of sadness and loss at the fact that my career path has taken me away from the field of mental health counseling.

    As I became aware of my sorrow, it filled my heart and mind like a cup, and eventually spilled over into a rather woeful consideration of the many changes my life has undergone over the past several years.

    It was uncomfortable while it lasted, but it was also quite fascinating, once I became aware of what was happening. As such, I emerged intact and, ultimately, quite proud of myself for waiting out and weathering such an unexpected emotional storm.

    I haven’t always dealt with my emotions this way—sorrow, fear, uncertainty, inadequacy, and guilt in particular. Indeed, I still slip into old habits at times.

    My life has proven an excellent instructor, however, and I am pleased to note the above-described scenario is becoming more commonplace.

    Vocation has been extremely important to me. In fact, I clearly recall a moment in my childhood when I declared to myself (in so many words), “I want my work to be meaningful and enjoyable.” That notion has informed my life ever since.

    When it came time for me to declare a major in college, I mulled my options and settled on theatre. I knew it wasn’t practical, per se, but it was meaningful to me and I enjoyed it. Besides, I trusted that the act of honoring my passion would lead me down the road I needed to travel. I think I was correct.

    A year or so following graduation, I took the next step and moved to New York City to pursue my career in acting. It was an exciting time at first. After several years, however, I was exhausted, disillusioned, and burned out.

    The things I needed to do to pursue my career as an actor—“pound the pavement,” rehearse nights and weekends, and work day jobs to support myself—had become nothing short of onerous.

    My originally hoped-for payoff (earning a living as an actor) was no longer worth the commitments and sacrifices necessary to taking an honest shot at it.

    Once I accepted that truth, the decision to stop was a relatively easy one to make. Waiting for me on the other side of that decision, however, was the ominous question “Now what?”

    I had the luxury of avoiding the question at first, because I was attending to other aspects of my life, which, in many regards, was on auto-pilot: I got married, my now-ex-wife and I moved, she entered law school, and I started working full time to help support us.

    Life settled into a routine, and, to my dismay, the urgency of the still-unanswered question “Now what?” intensified. I approached it with a sense of helpless, dire urgency; as such, I soon descended into a full-blown existential crisis.

    Whereas my path forward had once seemed so clear and exciting and full of promise, it was now almost entirely hidden from my view. I was tormented by the uncertainty. Full of fear and bereft of experience and perspective, I did the only thing I knew how to do: avoid change.

    I helped maintain my status quo by, alternately, complaining; losing my temper—usually with my ex-wife—over trivial frustrations; pretending to most of my family and friends that everything in my life was going well; and performing what I call “mental gymnastics”—attempting to trick myself in so many ways that I did not, in fact, hate most things about my life, including myself.

    The fact that I had no compassion for myself in view of my vocational confusion, and that I could not accept my own discontent and act accordingly, ensured a certain spiritual toxicity.

    The result, of course, is that I viewed the world through a lens of sadness and anger and darkness.

    Finally, I had the good sense to say, “Enough.”

    With some assistance, I slowly reconnected with myself.

    I rediscovered my talents and positive attributes, which, along with the consideration of several of my interests, led me to pursue graduate studies in social work.

    I felt it was finally time to enjoy my life, fulfill my destiny, and settle into a contented peace. In reality, everything was about to change.

    Yes, grad school was transformative and exhilarating, but it was also the backdrop for what was, perhaps, an even greater learning opportunity: my divorce.

    In the immediate aftermath of my separation, I stuck with my old habit of experiential avoidance. Cracks in the armor quickly appeared, however; and besides, my work as a practitioner-in-training ensured I couldn’t realistically hide for long (thankfully).

    I had the good sense to seek counseling.

    Over the next few months, I learned that I have the tendency, as do many of us, to “jump” out of experiences I deem to be “bad” and into other “good” experiences I would prefer.

    In my case, I was experiencing feelings of deep guilt and sadness in the wake of my divorce, but instead of acknowledging my guilt and sadness, I jumped headlong into self-hatred and shame.

    That might seem counterintuitive at first glance; after all, how could I, or anyone, ever prefer or deem good the acts of self-shaming and hatred?

    What I’ve come to discover, sadly, is that many of us, consciously or not, do just that. We find it safer to attack ourselves than it is to abide certain experiences—such as vulnerability, guilt, fear, and sadness—that we believe may hurt us even more.

    Each of us, I would argue, has these types of emotional sore spots that, when triggered, send us into a basic sort of survival mode.

    While that looks different for each person, one factor remains constant: something about that “emotional sore spot” experience seems fundamentally unacceptable; and, after all, what does one do with something fundamentally unacceptable but reject it somehow?

    For my part, I discovered my “jumping” into self-hatred and shame is a learned behavior.

    It is a well-intentioned one, perhaps, in that it is designed to guard me from what I perceive to be the dangerous experience of acknowledging my (real and imagined) limitations and imperfections; but it is one that ultimately prevents me from fully dealing with, and taking ownership of, the myriad truths of my life.

    I learned to appreciate the validity of the statement “what you resist, persists.” I saw how that which remains unacknowledged and unprocessed can grow toxic, thereby greatly exacerbating the original problem and greatly amplifying suffering.

    I recognized deeply held irrational beliefs about myself, namely, that if I don’t always get everything right, I’m a total screw-up who is unworthy of any positive regard, let alone love, and a propensity for labeling (i.e., “good” and “bad”). These had been the real cause of my extreme suffering, because they incited reinforcing, harmful behaviors.

    I realize now the experiences of sadness and pain itself are just that: experiences of sadness and pain. They are not some fundamental threat to my well-being or a rubber-stamped comment on the quality of my personhood.

    If I acknowledge these experiences, sit with them, explore and express them, I can choose my actions accordingly without jumping into shame, self-hatred, or other unhelpful behaviors.

    So when I woke up the other morning and felt sadness wash over me, I was able to welcome it. I was able to give myself compassion by telling myself, “You’ve been through a lot, buddy, and it’s okay to feel that.”

    And that’s just it, you know? That’s the antidote: compassion.

    I’ve found that by giving myself compassion—the literal and metaphysical space to abide the emotional experiences I generally deem “threatening”—I am able to discover catharsis, forgiveness, peace, acceptance.

    In sitting with our feelings in this way, we are able to live, truly—to be open to the experiences of our lives.

    Photo by Almonroth

  • How to Release Disappointment and Thrive When Life Isn’t Fair

    How to Release Disappointment and Thrive When Life Isn’t Fair

    “When you learn to accept instead of expect, you’ll have fewer disappointments.” ~Unknown

    At thirty-six weeks pregnant, I was in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, screaming with pain. It was excruciating, the worst pain I had ever experienced, and I had experienced lots.

    As the ambulance officer supported me out the front door and into the back of the ambulance, all I could think was, “How is this going to affect my baby?”

    After two ambulances, two hospitals, and a barrage of tests, I was sitting on the hospital bed, absolutely exhausted—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

    My thoughts started to go down the same well-worn path: “Why me? Why do I have to deal with this? Life isn’t supposed to be like this. It isn’t fair!”

    It had been a common theme for me. I knew how life was supposed to turn out, and mine wasn’t it! It seemed like I had challenges to deal with that others didn’t have—that my lot was harder.

    I felt like all my energy and potential was being sucked up in dealing with adverse circumstances, leaving me no resources to do the things I really wanted to do in life.

    For the last twenty-three years, I had battled Crohn’s disease, a debilitating and incurable illness that had resulted in increasing pain, illness, and limitation—until then. Four weeks before the birth of my second child, I had ended up in hospital with massive pain.

    My doctors didn’t know how to deal with a woman having a Crohn’s flare up who was also pregnant and wanted to induce labor to deliver the baby prematurely. I was faced with making choices about medical treatments that could have serious impacts on me and my unborn child.

    As I sat there, I could feel the familiar frustration, dissatisfaction, and discontentment flooding over me.

    And in that unlikely place, I had an epiphany.

    Life is not the problem; expectations are.

    I finally realized, looking back at my life, that every time I’d struggled to deal with the hand I’d been dealt, it was because my expectations were clashing with reality. I had created a picture in my head of how life should be, and when things didn’t turn out, I didn’t cope.

    It wasn’t life that was the problem; it was my unrealistic expectations. I had thought that being idealistic and striving for a goal was a good thing, but it wasn’t leading to a contented and fulfilled life.

    If you are feeling hardly done by and frustrated about your circumstances, ask yourself if there is a mismatch between the reality of your situation and what you expected. If there is, you have inadvertently set yourself up for frustration, disappointment, and even anger.

    While these emotions are natural when we experience adversity, they are not helpful to live with long term.

    The only way to resolve them is to face up to the situation you are actually in and accept it. This does not mean we should not have any expectations, but if we want to be content, we need to accept what is during hard times while trusting for something better in the future.

    Instead of trying to change the world, change your focus.

    While I was in the hospital, I talked to other mothers who had been there for the whole of their pregnancy or whose babies would need surgery as soon as they were born. It made me realize that while I was in a hard place, things could have been so much worse.

    I realized that I was only seeing one side of my life. I was very good at seeing what was not there (that I thought should have been) but was ignoring what was there that was good.

    In thinking about my illness, I was focusing on the pain and how it was stopping me from earning an income, and how my energy was limited, and how the whole situation was negatively affecting my family.

    But I wasn’t embracing and being grateful for how other people, particularly my husband, cared for me, how I was growing in wisdom and compassion, and how the experience was teaching me more about myself.

    If you seem to be coping with more than your fair share of frustration and disappointment, check your focus for a minute. Are you only seeing the gaps, where reality isn’t meeting your expectations, or are you also acknowledging the good that is coming your way?

    It may be helpful to create a list with two columns where you can explore what you are feeling about your circumstances.

    On the right side, write down where your expectations aren’t aligning with reality: where the gaps are, what sucks, and what you think shouldn’t be happening.

    On the other side, write down what is positive: where the divine is in the situation and what is great about this. This is not about being falsely positive. This is about finding the moments of genuine joy and connection in the midst of pain.

    Pay attention to how you feel when making each list. Having refocused the situation for yourself, you can now choose which emotions to take into the future about that experience.

    The great thing about this exercise is that it frees you from striving to change the world to match your own expectations. Instead, all you need to feel happier is a little shift in your focus.

    Embrace the pain and then take control.

    I learned that I needed to embrace the whole experience, both the good parts and the gaps, and that gave me the ability to choose a more empowering set of beliefs and meaning for what was happening to me. This in turn helped me discover new possibilities that I couldn’t see before.

    Having refocused myself, I was able to sort through a lot of complex information and options regarding medical treatment, define what outcomes I wanted, and make a constructive action plan that put me in charge of my health.

    And the end result? That time round, beginning with circumstances that weren’t promising at all, I got all the outcomes I wanted, including a healthy baby and a natural birth.

    The irony about accepting the situations we find ourselves in is that once we have, we are able to make decisions and take action that moves us toward the place we truly want to be. We stop feeling like a victim of circumstance and more like the captain of our own ship.

    That doesn’t mean that we will get what we want every time. Life doesn’t work like that. However, coming to a place of acceptance gives us the strength and peace to deal with whatever outcome we receive, whether desired or not, and the ability to move forward rather than getting stuck in adversity.

    Empowering questions we can ask ourselves include:

    • What outcomes do I want? Write down every result that is important to you in the situation.
    • What beliefs can I choose that will support me right now? Give yourself an empowering set of beliefs that help you feel hopeful in the situation.
    • What action can I take? Outline actions you can take today, this week, and in the next month that will move you toward your outcomes.

    You can soar above adversity.

    These days, I still have Crohn’s disease but have largely given up my unrealistic expectations, and not living with that frustration has taken a lot of stress away from my life. I am in better health than I have been for years and achieving more.

    It took a while for me to let go of my idealism and find the good in adversity, but by practicing it over a number of years, I have gotten better at it.

    We all live with circumstances that are not ideal. Life is too short to live in frustration that things are not the way we want them to be.

    Why you? Because there are important jewels you can discover in the midst of adversity that will reward you for the rest of your life. You are strong enough to embrace reality and perform the alchemy that will transform frustration into contentment and positive outcomes.

    We’re all here rooting for you.

    Go and make it happen.

  • How to Be Hurt Less by So-Called Evil People

    How to Be Hurt Less by So-Called Evil People

    Protected by Light

    “Every sweet has its sour; every evil its good.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    There were monsters in my closet—or so my five-year-old self believed. As soon as my mother kissed me goodnight and flipped the lights off, they would appear.

    See, in my room, the sliding closet doors were kept open, and on the top three shelves, monsters would magically appear in the darkness. Their wide mouths closely resembled folded towels and their eyes looked like the buttons of my sweaters, but I was too scared to notice.

    I could only see evil creatures staring at me, and after a few minutes of terrorizing myself, I would run out of my room and jump in my parents’ bed. Then, one night, I closed the closet doors and the monsters went away.

    Years later, another monster would haunt me in the middle of the night.

    This monster had a name, and one of those facial expressions that made her look as she was perpetually frowning. This monster had had an affair with my husband, and had repeatedly attempted to thwart all of my efforts to forgive and to save my marriage.

    “That woman is evil,” friends of mine who knew her would say. “She’s plain evil.”

    I believed she was evil, and when she assumed the role of a monster in my head, anger and fear settled themselves comfortably in my heart.

    As I did when I was little, I tried to close the doors of my awareness to send this new monster away. When a thought about what had happened came to me, I would push it out of my mind, but the thought would eventually return with renewed intensity.

    Then, one day, as life as I knew it crumbled before my eyes, I started to awaken. I knew that unless I let go of the fear and anger, I wouldn’t be able to move forward into love and happiness. I loved myself too much to remain stuck in this dark place.

    Messages about oneness and compassion seemed to come to me from books, podcasts, live lectures, the Internet, and people I met. Life was calling me back.

    I understood that I had the power to free myself from this “monster” and from all the “evil” people that might try to come into my life. I’d like to share what I learned with you. 

    “Evilness” is a judgment.

    When you label people as “evil” or as “bad,” you block your ability to see that they come from the same source that created you. Removing judgment allows you to extend compassion not only to them, but also to yourself. Through compassion, you can heal.

    You can choose not to give power to so-called evil people.

    You might have given the evildoers starring roles in your life drama, but to them, you might just be someone who got in their way. They pursued their goal without considering the damage caused by their actions.

    They probably rationalized what they did in a way that made them feel they weren’t doing anything wrong, or that they had no option but to do what they did.

    By realizing this, taking the actions of others less personally, and changing your thoughts about these actions, you can choose not to give your power away to other people. You can lessen the negative impact that hurtful actions have on your emotional state.

    “Bad” people can become your greatest teachers.

    My adult-life “monster” taught me to deal with adversity like no one else. Whoever has come into your life has done so for a reason. Ask yourself what lesson you can learn from the negative behavior of other people.

    It’s okay to reject “evil.”

    Once the worst of my situation was over, I learned I had the choice to simply not let myself be bothered by what anyone had done to me.

    When people were verbally attacking him in public, Buddha responded, “If you have a gift to give a friend, but the friend refuses to accept the gift, who then does the gift belong to?”

    Limit your time with those who tend to bring negativity into your life and choose not to place your attention on the detrimental actions of others.

    “Evil” dissolves when you bring light into it.

    If I had just turned on the light in my room when I was little, the monsters in my closet would’ve disappeared.

    Usually, when others attack you, they are subconsciously seeking to bring up negative emotions in you. Their pain needs to feed on your pain to continue existing. If you decide to not give in to the negative emotions, they’ll have less incentive to attack. Light nullifies darkness.

    Bring the light of your love and kindness to everyone around you, and watch the “bad” people in your life retreat or even change their actions.

    “Evil” people don’t know better.

    People who hurt you act out of ignorance. They justify their harmful behavior by thinking they are doing what they need to do given the circumstances in their lives.

    Also, people who harm others are usually in dreadful emotional states. They are under such pain that all they have to give to others is pain. Realizing this truth will help you advance on the road to compassion and forgiveness.

    There are no evil people.

    However, the world is filled with people thinking evil thoughts. If you become prey to anger and hatred, you’ll join the ranks.

    Send love to everyone around you, including those who’ve hurt you. Love will open the door for goodness to come into your life, and will close the door to those evil monsters in the closet who are people just like you and me, doing what they think is best at a certain moment in their lives.

    Photo by Jenny Poole

  • What We Need to Do Before We Can Have Happy, Loving Relationships

    What We Need to Do Before We Can Have Happy, Loving Relationships

    “Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.” ~Unknown

    Ever since I was a young girl, relationships have fascinated me, particularly romantic ones. I had beautiful fantasies of my perfect partner appearing and completing me. We would fall in love and live happily ever after.

    As a child, I believed that being in a romantic relationship, and especially being married, meant lasting happiness. All the love and joy I would ever want or need would be mine when “the one” arrived. Daydreams of my soul mate filled my tween brain.

    This fairy tale view of relationships didn’t disappear when I came of age, but followed me into adulthood when I married a man that I knew in my gut simply wasn’t right for me.

    At first, it was exciting to be someone’s wife and to have a husband, but my high expectations quickly created tremendous disappointment for me. We both demanded that the other change, and the relationship quickly became one filled with resentment and contempt.

    After struggling to “work on” our relationship and seeing no improvement, we separated and eventually divorced. I was devastated and bitterly blamed him.

    He was the “bad guy” and I was the innocent victim. I lacked the awareness necessary to examine my own actions and learned nothing, except to fear entering into another relationship.

    The only thing that I knew for sure was that I never wanted to go through such a painful experience again.

    I had no idea that I had any power at all. I felt like I was at the effect of what others said and did, and I was so easily wounded. The world of men and relationships felt very scary and I was apprehensive when I re-entered the dating world.

    In what I now understand was an attempt to protect myself, I made terrible judgments and generalizations about relationships and men.

    My reality reflected these fearful thoughts, and in the year following my divorce I dated men who were perfect examples of the stereotypes I adopted. Even though I had left my marriage, nothing had truly changed and, in fact, through my own fear had grown worse.

    In spite of this, having a relationship with a man still remained a strong desire. I certainly didn’t want to repeat the past and I refused to settle for just any romantic relationship. With absolute resolve, I vowed that I would have a healthy, happy, close, and loving relationship.

    This became my intention, and I became passionately committed to learning and doing whatever I could to get me there.

    For over a year I studied the ways in which romantic relationships worked and how they could be close and loving, but was discouraged and frustrated by most of what I read. It seemed that most of what I learned required the effort of both partners.

    While I understood that a happy, healthy relationship takes two people, I knew I had to first work on myself.

    My question became: “What can I, and I alone, do to create a close, happy, and loving relationship?”

    As I studied over the next few months with this new distinction, I noticed something unexpected and wonderful unfolding.

    I had shifted from how to find the right man and get him to give me love and make me happy, to learning who I had to become in order to create and maintain a close, loving relationship.

    This was a brand new way of looking at things and a brand new way of being that was incredibly exciting for me.

    For the next two years, I learned as much as I could and put into practice everything I was learning. It yielded radically different results than I had ever gotten before. All of my relationships greatly improved, including, and especially, my relationship with myself.

    My relationship with myself had always been love/hate. Now, as I became more and more aware that I truly am empowered to create loving relationships as well as a wonderful life, I began to see myself and others in a new light.

    My new understanding of myself and others became: We are all infinitely and eternally beautiful souls, intrinsically worthy of love.

    Each one of us are intrinsically worthy of love, not because we are entitled to other people giving it to us, but because we are love. We are all whole and need nothing outside of ourselves to complete us. These words weren’t new to me, but for the first time I understood and felt the truth of them.

    For so long I had been trying to force others to give me love, manipulating them, making demands, giving with an expectation of receiving in return (also known as barter), and it only led to frustration and resentment.

    It struck me all at once that everything I had learned over the course of three years was truly about giving love joyfully from a place of being love. Wholeness was the name of that game.

    I was no longer concerned with trying to find the perfect man, fix relationship problems, or change anyone else.

    Although I’m not perfect and never will be, I’ve had increasing moments of awareness and clarity when I was able to keep the focus completely on my self. Not focused on my “needs” and how I can get those met by others, but what I could do to become more whole and full of love so that I’m more focused on giving than taking.

    Interestingly, my original intention in studying relationships was only to improve my own chances of having a good, lasting relationship with a man. It was my hope that I would learn some tricks to get a good man interested and then to get him remain attracted enough to me to shower me with gifts, affection, attention, and praise.

    What I have learned and continue to learn is infinitely better.

    What I’ve learned is how to use the resources that lie within me, that lie within each of us, to be the kind of partner that naturally has a close, loving, happy, healthy relationship with her mate without always “working on it.”

    As most of us can attest, this kind of struggle never works long term. I learned to grow through my experiences in my relationships, become more loving and more whole, and give from a place of joy, which effortlessly creates a close, loving, happy, healthy relationship.

    This journey to “love enlightenment” has been amazing so far, with many ups and downs, as I’m sure it will continue to be.

    The wisdom I have gained has been invaluable for creating positive change not only within myself and in my relationships, but in my entire life. I have learned to be a better partner for my partner, for myself, for everyone I know and meet, and for the world at large.

    The goal is not to reach some destination, but to understand more about what it means to be whole. Perfection isn’t possible, but perhaps your intention could be to become more aware of what you are giving and being, and let it be love more and more of the time.

    In short, through your relationships with others grow more into the truth of who you are at the core of your being: you are love.

  • Finally Letting Go of the Pain and Moving On after a Breakup

    Finally Letting Go of the Pain and Moving On after a Breakup

    “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C. S. Lewis

    Another year over and you’re still troubled by a relationship that ended last year or in years past. The whole thing is dragging on too long—why can’t you just get over it? But every time you think about it or bump into your ex, you feel ruined again

    How about giving your feelings another shake?

    Rattle them in any direction—a new one. If it turns out to be the wrong direction you can correct that later, but just move them, any which way, get them out of the rut they’re in. One way to do this is by talking it through, even more than you already have.

    Why Talk it Out?

    Perhaps something remains unsaid for you, even now. Perhaps that’s why your feelings remain so strong. Or perhaps they’re entangled with non-relationship issues—a sense of getting older, time passing, concern about not having children, or the life you hoped for.

    Perhaps part of you holds out hope you could get back together again. Perhaps you need to admit that and let go of it.

    Maybe you fear you won’t meet anyone else like your ex. You won’t, but you will meet someone. Just they will be different.

    Explore all this.

    How It Helped Me

    I attended a few counseling sessions a year after the end of a relationship. It had been a long, happy relationship that had started in my early twenties, but it burned out as our lives took us in different mental and geographic directions.

    For the year after the breakup I got on okay with life, but the shine had gone. A veil hung between me and true engagement with the world. I could smile but the smile never went to my eyes.

    I honestly thought I had done all the talking I could at the time of the breakup—my ex and I had even attended couple-counseling together—but a year later, something still felt stuck in my chest.

    So I sat myself down in front of a counselor. I didn’t want to or feel like it, but suddenly all this stuff came out of my mouth—stuff I found laughable or which fell away as I said it, stuff I didn’t know I’d been thinking. Apparently, it just wanted to get itself off my chest. And it had needed a year to mature sufficiently to do it.

    I kept apologizing to the counselor for talking endlessly and not letting her get a word in. But it worked. I realized I was over the relationship, but not the process of its ending—the fatigue, the accusations, the indecisions, the reverberation among friends and family.

    I was suffering a lingering childlike shock that such things could happen in life. Discovering this, and finally putting words to it, allowed those feelings to go.

    Some other things I’ve learned along the way:

    If You’re Feeling Overwhelmed By Emotion

    You’ve just bumped into your ex and you’re feeling highly emotional. Half of you wants to cry, half of you would do anything to get rid of those feelings.

    This is your mind panicking to get rid of emotions it cannot understand. The mind likes to understand things but can never understand the heart. Hearts have no logic.

    So, abandon trying to comprehend what happened or why. After all, at this stage, is there anything your ex could say or do that would change how you feel?

    Befriend the part of you that gets emotional. Don’t beat it up. It’s normal and healthy to feel how you feel. You’re alive!

    Besides, emotion shows you have a heart and would not wish the same sorrow on others. This aspect of your personality is to be treasured. Wouldn’t you love it in anyone else?

    So, instead of trying to quash emotion, ask “Is it possible for me to feel like this and still be okay?” Because your heart is stronger than you know; it is designed to handle being broken.

    Loving Someone Does Not Mean You Should Be With Them

    It also doesn’t mean that they’re good for you. Face this reality squarely. You can have a happy life, even with great sorrow in your heart, even while carrying loss.

    Physically, your body is probably keeping going just fine and it’s only your mind that has the problem. Its idea that “things should have been different” conflicts with what actually happened, so it wedges your mental wounds open.

    That causes the turmoil. Give in.

    Admit: “This is exactly how it should have been. This is exactly how it is.” Shrug while saying it. Facing the truth is difficult. As a result, life may feel more painful, yet perhaps also more peaceful, because conflict with it is reduced.

    Our Sorrowful Life And Happy Life Can Exist In Parallel

    Author A.S.Byatt has occasionally spoken about the longevity of bereavement. She lost her son forty years ago. He was eleven.

    Twenty years later she told an interviewer, “You don’t get over it and you suffer greatly from people supposing you will. You suffer from people not understanding the pain of grief.”

    Another twenty years on, Byatt shared with another interviewer a metaphor she developed with her friend Gill Cadell, a widow. It involves parallel train tracks:

    “One is appalling and one you just go along,” explained Byatt. “Gill said to me, ‘Is it alright to be pleased to see the flowers in the morning?’ And I said, ‘Oh yes, because the other track is always there.’”

    The interviewer asked, “You mean the appalling track?”

    “Yep.”

    “And it’s still there?”

    “Oh yes, it hasn’t changed.”’

    You see, winter trickles into the beginnings of spring. It’s okay to try loving a new person while still loving your ex. The heart can simultaneously run along multiple tracks.

    Making The Decision

    My friend, who dabbles in NLP, had a client who was still heartbroken eighteen months after breaking up with her boyfriend. The woman was explaining to my friend, in detail, how she felt—a curdle of sadness, anger, hurt—and how she was convinced she would never be able to move on.

    My friend stopped her, saying, “And now tell me, how you will feel when you are over him?”

    The woman described how free she would feel, how relieved that it was behind her, how keen she would be to get on with life, how confident and unafraid she would be if she happened to meet her ex.

    My friend suggested, “So why don’t you just feel that now?”

    The woman’s life transformed instantly.

    For her, it was about making a decision to move on. If it has been a while since your relationship ended, perhaps this choice is also available to you. Play with the idea.

    Five More Minutes And We’re Going On A Bike Ride

    I remember a story about Kylie Minogue that went something like this. She had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and her boyfriend sometimes found her crying on the bathroom floor.

    He would firmly tell her, “Okay, honey, you can cry for just five minutes, then I’m taking you on the bike for a ride.”

    She’d think, “Hmm. Actually a bike ride sounds pretty good.”

    This is the attitude to take. It doesn’t matter if sorrow comes again and again, just each time draw a line in the sand. And beyond that line make something else happen.

    It Has Been Long Enough Now

    People may tell you it’s time you got over your relationship. Like with bereavement, you don’t ever have to “get over” it, but you may need to more forcibly move yourself on, and if you’re stuck, to take a new approach to doing so.

    Hurtful experiences, ones that emotionally and logistically reset our lives, leave us with two choices: open up more or close down.

    The braver choice—the one that will allow new things to enter your life—is to open up.

    So how about setting aside a few weeks to unfold this a little more? If you can’t climb out, dig out. Book yourself a few sessions with a counselor whether or not you feel like it or think it will help.

    Go in, sit down, see what happens. Give your heart the chance to say everything it wants regarding the relationship and whatever is entwined with it. What emerges may surprise you.

    Give yourself a new and different opportunity to leave it behind.

  • Everybody Wants Happiness

    Everybody Wants Happiness

    Rainbow and Rain

    Source: Curiosity by Dickens

  • When Happiness Feels Like a Struggle, No Matter What You Do

    When Happiness Feels Like a Struggle, No Matter What You Do

    Happy

    “There is no reason to reach high for the stars. They are already within you. Just reach deep into yourself.” ~Unknown

    I left a big job at a hedge fund in New York City nearly eight years ago. I was far from certain the job was to blame for my unhappiness at that time, but it was the biggest, boldest action I could take to make me feel like I was doing something to help my cause.

    I have spent the last eight years searching for happiness, not sure at all what it would feel like or where I would find it.

    So I mostly wandered. I moved from New York City to San Francisco to Seattle to Park City. I started a business, closed the business, took a job, quit the job. I ended an engagement, moved in with a boyfriend, and then moved out. I searched for happiness on beaches, in jungles, and in the forest.

    Open to all the help I could get during this rudderless time, I also compulsively collected Top 10 lists that offered surefire ways to achieve greater happiness. (The proliferation of these Top 10 lists has given me comfort that I am not alone in my search!)

    I can’t count the number of times I have put a small notepad on my nightstand to record three things I am grateful for before bedtime, or I have started exercising more (and more, and more).

    I would eat one list up and then move on to the next. And that’s the problem. My experience has been that quality-of-life improvements can be made with these lists as guides, but the improvement is typically fleeting—as was with each of my moves, new jobs, and new boyfriends.

    What to do? After years of trial and error (and some great teachers along the way), I have come to understand that it’s that question that gets us stuck to begin with.

    Most Top 10 lists for finding greater happiness are prescriptions for what to do, actions to take, and this is their limitation. It was also the greatest limitation to my own approach—my focus was on taking big, bold action.

    What I have learned about finding happiness is that first we have to stop doing. We have to start by focusing on who we are at our core, on our being; only then can we begin to figure out what we should be doing to fully realize this beautiful person, to let the stars that are already in us shine brightly.

    So, who am I at my core? Who are you? We are each made up of a unique collection of values, the combination of which make up our being.

    The top way to live a happy life: identify your values (who you are) and act (do) accordingly.

    How well do you know your personal value system?

    Often when we talk about values, words like honesty, integrity, kindness, and thoughtfulness come to mind.

    Most of us were taught to honor these values early in life (it’s as if we were all in the same kindergarten class), and then most teachers, parents included, stopped talking about the v-word.

    In the West, ambitions and goals typically receive much more emphasis than values as young people grow and gain responsibilities.

    But your value system is like your fingerprint, full of life and wholly unique to you. (That’s what makes it so hard for any list of Top 10 lists to speak to us all.)

    My value system, for example, is made up of roughly twenty principles that combine to make me the one-of-a-kind person I am.

    My values include courage, beauty, curiosity, creativity, adventure, presence, and generosity, to name a few. When I’m in a funk and can’t figure out why, it is likely because I am not feeding one (or more) of these values.

    For example, when I’m out of touch with beauty because I’m spending so much time in front of my computer, my to-dos might include taking a walk in nature. When I feel life’s become too routine and scheduled, I might make an adventure date with myself and go rock climbing.

    Inevitably, when something’s not quite right, I can identify a value that needs more love—pronto!—and create an action item from that deep source of wisdom.

    Now it’s your turn. What values make you uniquely you? If you have not spent much time getting to know yourself in this way yet, here are a few suggestions:

    • Peruse a lengthy list of values and circle those that hit home
    • Think of your role models and consider what it is about them you admire most
    • Reflect on the values you want to pass on to your children

    Once you have your list of values, start by identifying a few that you’ve fallen out of touch with, values that for one reason or another aren’t getting visibility in your daily life. With those values as your guide, create a list of to-dos that will allow you to connect with each value more fully.

    Add on from there. (Why wait until a value is not getting visibility?)

    The more you can connect your actions to your values, the more happiness awaits you. Ultimately, you will be connecting with the beautiful being that is you and that connection is what happiness is all about.

    Photo here

  • Celebrate Your Strengths Instead of Pushing Yourself to Be Better

    Celebrate Your Strengths Instead of Pushing Yourself to Be Better

    Excited

    “Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.” ~Epictetus

    Performance reviews. Assessments. Evaluations. The dreaded annual review. Most of us have run into some kind of quality assurance technique while employed in the American workforce, or at least know someone who has.

    Evaluations are a regular part of life at my place of employment and something that I am very used to by now. Typically I get good scores and the evaluation includes plenty of praise and positive acknowledgement, along with whatever constructive criticism is appropriate to the work that is being evaluated.

    Usually I can look through the evaluation form, note what needs to be noted, and move on. I can accept feedback when needed, use it appropriately, and in turn notice the strengths of others and acknowledge them along the way. I do pretty well, really.

    Most days, doing pretty well is enough. But sometimes I get the feeling that there is something missing. That I could still do better. That enough isn’t actually satisfactory. That if I’m not constantly evaluating how I’m doing and striving for something better, there’s something wrong. That in acknowledging others, my voice gets tired and there’s not much left for acknowledging myself.

    Even though I can plainly see the strengths in others and even verbalize them regularly, I don’t always notice and acknowledge them in myself. I have a tendency to want acknowledgement but brush it off when it arrives. 

    I crave being recognized for doing well but hardly know how to react when that craving is satisfied.

    When I receive feedback—even when it’s positive—my default reaction is usually set to “how could I do this better?” It’s easy to get stuck inside the idea that there’s always room for improvement, and then turn a blind eye to what has already been improved or what doesn’t need to be.

    There is nothing wrong with striving to better one’s self, growing professionally, building skills, or figuring out how to be more effective at what we choose to spend our time doing. But I think that sometimes we spend all of our time figuring out how to better ourselves, how to grow professionally, how to build even better skills, or how to be even more effective.

    We get so caught up in growing and getting better that we forget to honor the life we have right now.

    I know I get caught up in our culture’s mantra of “more, better, faster” more often than I care to admit.

    What if I could take my usually positive outlook and mold it into a way of being that sets my default to accepting wherever I am in my job, or my relationships, or my life situation? What if I could celebrate what is?

    What if I could put the focus on the strengths and gifts that I have—like being able to see the good in a challenging situation, or finding the joy that hides under anxiety, or baking a really good loaf of bread, or always knowing where the keys are—and then accept whatever comes from that focus?

    What if we all focused on what we already excel at, or what we have bettered already, instead of that thing we feel is a weakness that needs fixing? 

    Perhaps the intent to celebrate the perfection that we already are would allow us to evolve into a collective that is founded on acceptance and peace and less focused on longing.

    Maybe accepting the perfection that lies beneath our struggles can help move us into a space beyond what we think is possible—a space that knows no limits and a space that is simply enough. Period.

    Seeking to grow and building on knowledge and presence of being invites excellence by creating space for that excellence to exist and thrive. But perhaps we cannot expand without first truly seeing ourselves as complete. 

    It could be that the excellence I invite by way of acceptance is different from what I have been taught to strive for over the years. It could be that “living my strengths” means moving slower, or pushing forward less. It could mean resisting the urge to try to be something I’m not. It could mean listening to understand more and listening to respond less.

    I think it also means stopping to notice the beauty of a pebble in the rain, or hearing the gentle rustle of leaves when the wind changes direction, or feeling the warmth of the sun after the fog lifts.

    It means looking into the eyes of someone different and seeing truth reflected back.

    It means accepting myself as whole and complete, and letting that acceptance grow into my own version of perfection.

    I could say there is no such thing as a perfect life and that there is always room for improvement and growth. I think I’d be right.

    I could say that every life is perfect if allowed to be. And I think I’d still be right.

    Living through strengths is not easy. But living through our strengths sets us up to find our unique version of perfection. Accepting whatever that perfections looks like reminds us that we are enough.

    Photo by Gregory Tonon

  • Why Letting Ourselves Be Weak Is Actually the Key to Becoming Strong

    Why Letting Ourselves Be Weak Is Actually the Key to Becoming Strong

    “To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” ~Criss Jami

    “You have to be strong.”

    Those were five words I heard without end after my father was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer on Black Friday 2012—a day that couldn’t have been more aptly named.

    In the months following, I marched, ran, skipped, crept, stumbled, crawled, and dragged myself through the darkest valley of my life. This was uncharted territory. This was an unprecedented season for us.

    My dad was a fitness junkie, running and biking every morning, performing aerobics daily like a champ, and going for the occasional swim when the mood struck. The possibility of cancer had never arrested our attention—why would it?

    Like so many others, I believed I’d have my dad for decades to come, that I would see his salt-and-pepper hair gradually transform to powder white as the crinkles stretching from the corner of his eyes grew in number.

    The usual questions that plague souls affected by cancer surfaced, as if some clarion call had gone out to the nether world. Questions like:

    Will the surgery be successful? (It was.) Will the oncologist order chemotherapy? (He did.)

    When will this end? When will my dad know peace and strength again? When will our lives go back to normal?

    The answers to those questions were a long time coming, until my dad was moved to ICU and put on life support in early September 2013, his organs failing.

    “Be strong,” came that ceaseless whisper. “Be strong,” well-wishers said. “Be strong. Be strong. Be strong.”

    And in the nine months leading up to that ICU transfer, I had been strong. I had remained unmoved and unaffected by any bad news, choosing to believe in a different outcome—besides, one must yet hope.

    I was like the unshakeable lighthouse tower you often see in paintings, standing tall in the midst of a tumultuous storm, gray skies, roaring waves, and angry sea breeze everywhere.

    Then one day, the feat of being that strong tower was simply too much to bear. I’d built a dam to keep back the emotions that threatened to overwhelm me, but that dam couldn’t possibly stand the weight of those emotions forever. It gave way.

    I sobbed like I’d never sobbed before in my mother’s arms. And so long as we’re being honest, I’d say I sobbed every day thereafter.

    This expression I’d so feared, this display of vulnerability I had for so long resisted and avoided, had at long last caught up with me. Yet I felt no shame or embarrassment. I felt no anger with myself or disappointment in my supposed weakness.

    Instead, I felt other things.

    Release.

    Freedom.

    Peace.

    Love.

    It was then that I realized that in my efforts to be strong, I had been denying myself the very feelings I’d wanted to experience all along.

    Too often, we build walls around ourselves in the midst of grief, pain, or challenges, inflating ourselves up to be proud people who don’t need anyone’s help, people who are getting by just fine, people who are strong enough to weather the storm on their own.

    We close ourselves off to feeling anything in the name of self-preservation. We distance ourselves from emotions that scare us because of how weak, vulnerable, incapable, or unable they may make us seem to our loved ones.

    However, it’s only through allowing ourselves to embrace that weakness and feel those daunting emotions that we invite love in to strengthen us.

    It’s actually a beautiful thing for someone to be weak for that reason, because in that weakness, we rely and depend on others to build us up again, to make us strong, to comfort and encourage us.

    An incredible bond is established between you and another person when you embrace your weakness. In that moment, transparency, honesty, and open communication win.

    Not only have you both reached a new level of personal growth and grown in your intimacy, but you’ve also given that individual an incredible gift: the opportunity to demonstrate their friendship, loyalty, and love for you by being there, by being a friend, by being present, and by enacting love.

    When we bottle our emotions in and suppress them, however, never letting anyone see into our soul, then we are denying others an amazing opportunity to show up for us.

    We are denying our relationships the opportunity to expand, evolve, and grow to a new level. And we are essentially stopping the flow of love between us and others—life-saving love that has the potential to give us more strength than we ever thought possible.

    So I made the decision to embrace my emotions and whatever weaknesses happened to visit me, to welcome the vulnerable position that would put me in.

    If someone wanted to hold me while I cried, I let them.

    If someone wanted to be a listening ear, I spoke from the depths of my heart.

    If someone wanted to take me away from the hospital scene for a good meal, I didn’t decline the invitation.

    If someone asked me how I was doing, I answered with honesty, even if it meant admitting that I was hurting and devastated.

    Again and again, I felt the flow of love between myself and those around me. It was uplifting and intoxicating; empowering and encouraging. It was love like I’d never seen it in action before—the type of love that can only be perfected in our very weaknesses.

    I had a role model throughout it all: my dad.

    I don’t even wish I could tell you he faced cancer stone-faced and unmoved by the unending dirges of prognoses.

    Instead, when the pain was too much to bear, when the figurative nights were blackest, when there seemed to be no light penetrating the all-encompassing darkness of cancer, my dad would cry, he would pray for one normal day, and he would openly talk with me about the weakness he felt.

    But it wasn’t weakness I saw. In those moments, when he opened himself so entirely and became vulnerable before me, I saw only strength. I saw only courage. And on the morning my dad’s heart beat for the last time, the sun laying bricks of gold across his hospital room while I held his hand in mine, I saw only inspiring beauty.

    Even now, as I write this, it’s with tears painting trails down my face. I embrace what we might call weakness because I know now that it’s in my weakness that I find strength. It’s in my struggle that I find determination; it’s in my challenges that I find perseverance; and it’s in my vulnerability that I find love, peace, and the will to go on.

    Have you been spending too much time hiding behind walls in an effort to be strong? Have you been distancing yourself from others, fearing they will think you weak? Have you kept your emotions at arm’s length because they intimidate you, scare you, or fill you with uncertainties?

    It’s time to give yourself permission to feel. It’s time to embrace the very vulnerability you shun and in doing so, discover the love, joy, and peace that waits for you on the other side.

    In the end, it’s through our weaknesses that we become strong again.

    In loving memory of my dad, ‘Bear.’ 04-01-1952 – 09-15-2013 

  • Hang Up the Superhero Cape: We Don’t Have to Do It All Alone

    Hang Up the Superhero Cape: We Don’t Have to Do It All Alone

    Superhero

    “When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

    In the spring of 2008 when my son was only seven months old, I received a text message from his stay-at-home dad while I was at work. The text read, “He’s in the crib.” I did not respond because those five words said everything I needed to know.

    My son’s father had left us, and worse, he had left my son alone in his crib. I was at work fifteen miles away. 

    Adrenaline is an interesting thing. I don’t remember many details about that day except the text and the number of red lights I drove through to get to my son. Four.

    No one is ever prepared for events like these at any time in their life. Trauma, loss, and adapting to change are hard for all of us and for the people around us, as well.

    I come from a family culture that encourages “being strong,” which translates roughly into not asking for or needing help and continuing on with life as if all is well—at least on the outside.

    In fact, I have spent most of my adult years cultivating a life of self-sufficiency and independence, and I approached this experience no differently. I went into action mode and didn’t allow myself too much time to think about or feel the emotional impact of what had happened.

    I did not miss a single day of work through all of this. I just woke up, did what I needed to do, and went to bed. Every day.

    When my son went through a superhero phase, I wore the outfits too. It fed the image I had of myself as able to take on anything life wanted to throw at me. And I could even do it in white vinyl boots.

    Self-sufficiency worked well for me in the past as a single person, but not as a single parent.

    Facing this new life that involved another person (my son), using my old coping skills, slowly caught up with me in the form of health issues, depression, and problems with relating well with others in almost every area of my life.

    It become clear to me that something had to change. But I was not ready to let go of the idea that I could handle everything. If anything, I thought what I needed was more money, a different home, or maybe a different job.

    On some deeper level I knew that I had to internally change, but I convinced myself that to do so was impossible with my current life situation. I had to be strong.

    Instead of starting up the face of what I perceived as an impassable mountain, I clung to the hope that something external would change and I could do life the way that I had always done it.

    I did not or could not see that holding on to my old way of relating to the world was requiring far more energy and resulting in far more pain. I was not living self-sufficiently. I was still in survival mode, which is never a viable long-term solution.

    But then, as often happens to the most stubborn of us, I hit bottom. I was ill, alone, and worried about my son’s future, with or without me.

    That was when I finally embraced the possibility that I could completely let go of and live my life without ground under my feet. This would require me giving up my current self-image. And I had no idea what the outcome would be.

    What I learned was that by making these internal shifts, my life would improve without anything (or anyone) changing around me.

    Hang up the superhero cape.

    I became willing to let go of the idea that I could (or should) do everything, be everything, and handle everything on my own.

    Notice that I said, “Became willing.” I hung up my superhero cape and relinquished the badass title. But the cape is in the closet and I admittedly peek at it now and again. I just don’t let myself put it on unless it’s Halloween.

    Engage in a daily mindfulness practice.

    I went back to a consistent yoga and daily meditation practice.

    When I stopped the constant activity and started paying attention to what was going on inside of me, I began to notice how quickly things come and go if we let them be. Happy, sad, joyful, anxious—here now and then gone.

    This daily practice has helped me learn to stay in the moment and not take my thoughts very seriously. So, when the urge to put on the superhero cape returns, I gently say, “thinking.”

    Practice gratitude.

    I began to accept my life the way it is rather than hoping it would one day change. By practicing mindfulness I spend less time in my head planning how I would like things to be one day.

    When I wake up in the morning, before I get out of bed, I say thank you and smile. I do the same when I go to bed. It is such a small act but with such profound results. Try it.

    Give freely and receive freely.

    The giving part is pretty easy for me. But asking for and receiving help is still an ongoing challenge.

    Staying in the moment helps identify the feelings that arise that try to convince me that asking for help is a sign of weakness and that receiving help makes me a burden.

    The truth is that giving and receiving help are two of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and to others. When we drop the superhero cape and receive from others, we are allowing them an opportunity to be of service, feel good about themselves, and to improve their karma!

    Don’t take life personally.

    It takes a lot of useless energy to determine why things happen. I could spend hours replaying the events of my life with different endings, wondering what I could have done differently or trying to determine who is to blame.

    The truth is, no matter how much we try to exert control, we will all face challenges and we will all experience suffering at some point in our lives. No one is exempt from pain. No one.

    In fact, taking some time to recognize the extent to which people suffer is a useful exercise that helped me develop acceptance of my own situation and allowed me to develop compassion—for myself, for my son’s father, and for others.

    It’s a spiritual work-out.

    Many people have great ideas to help you in this process but few talk about how hard it can be. It can be hard, but not as demanding as being a superhero.

    It also feels, at times, very confusing to travel a great distance in how I respond to the world only to find myself completely lose it—I mean really get hooked back into the old ways one day with a partner or at work or in traffic.

    Don’t get too caught up in an end result. If thoughts come up about what a waste of time all of your efforts to date have been, just notice them and gently say “thinking.” You might need to say, “thinking” a few dozen times. This is good. It is all good.

    Breathe.

    Probably the single most important thing you can do to change your life for the better without changing a thing around you. Take a deep breath.

    Let it be.

    Photo by Zach Dischner

  • Accepting Uncertainty: We Can Be Happy Without All the Answers

    Accepting Uncertainty: We Can Be Happy Without All the Answers

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

    I’ve recently begun to feel as though I am at a crossroads in my career and, as a result, have been feeling very uncomfortable.

    I love what I do, working with clients and mentoring new therapists; however, I’m also a mom to two little ones and am feeling the ache of the impermanence of their childhood. This has left me wanting to spend more time at home with them and, therefore, possibly working less.

    If you would have asked me when I was twenty-five years old, I knew with absolute certainty that I would never want to be a stay-at-home mom.

    In fact, most of my life has been colored by a laser-sharp determination and an absolute knowing of what my next step was going to be. I’m a bit of a perfectionist and a lot of a control freak!

    Today, I’m sitting in a much different place; today, I’m sitting in uncertainty. I don’t know what the next step will be for me.

    There are so many unknowns at this point: do I want to work or do I want to stay home, what other options do I have, where can my practice grow from here, where can I grow from here, and so on. My automatic response to this uncertainty is to obsess endlessly until I figure it out.

    However, what I’ve come to realize is that all of my ideas of “knowing” actually block me from the truth more than they reveal it.

    Uncertainty makes us feel vulnerable and so we try and escape it any way that we can.

    We convince ourselves that we are fortune tellers and can therefore see the future. We make ourselves crazy, spinning our minds through the same handful of scenarios we come up with, over and over again, never feeling any closer to some sort of resolution.

    However, it seems a great paradox of life that it is actually through embracing the uncertainty that we thrive. Our lives are greatly determined by what we do when we get uncertain.

    Without uncertainty, we might never grow because we would never be pushed beyond our comfort zones.

    Many of us have experienced staying in a soul-sucking job or an unhealthy relationship because the uncertainty of leaving those situations created more anxiety than the certainty of staying in those unhappy situations.

    Many people do not end up following their true passions because it is seemingly impractical, or because there is a large degree of perceived uncertainty associated with following that path.

    There are no guarantees when we step into the unknown. But it is in these periods of discomfort that life’s most important adventures can arise.

    Making peace with uncertainty requires courage, faith, and trust that you will in fact be taken care of, that no matter what happens, you’ll find a way through it, that you don’t have to have all of the answers today.

    Contrary to popular ideas, not knowing exactly what will happen next in our lives is okay. In fact, it is actually liberating.

    The ability to let go, not know, and not try to totally control what will happen next is a necessary skill for living happy, joyous, and free.

    Most spiritual practices ask us to consider the possibility that there is a power greater than ourselves at work and, therefore, it is okay to let go of the reins sometimes.

    I have found it easier to let go in many circumstances when I’m able to recognize that I’m not the only force at play, that there are circumstances far beyond my control that are impacting life and what the future holds.

    If we fixate on “solving” problems, we tend to get tunnel-visioned and we walk around with blinders on, failing to see the possibilities.

    We can’t embrace a new uncertain future when we are fully attached to our old lives or an idea of how we think something should be.

    I have found that when I am in that anxious, fearful state, where I’m trying figure it all out on my own, that noise in my head that is trying to control everything will often drown out my intuition.

    When we accept that things are unknown, that we don’t have all of the answers, we can see that teachings are always available if we are paying attention. When we trust, let go, and embrace the uncertainty, that noise in our own minds subsides.

    Ironically, the quietness created by letting go of the need to know then allows contact with our own intuition, and we actually get clearer direction from within our own hearts and we can feel more certain about this direction.   

    I’ve heard it said that the furthest distance in the universe is from the head to the heart, but it is in stillness that we find this path. It is in the quiet space that we can get out of our heads and connect more deeply with ourselves, thereby allowing ourselves to be open to the possibilities when they arrive.

    I have found meditation to be an incredibly useful tool to facilitate this connection. Carving out time in my day specifically for getting quiet and getting still has allowed me to find some peace with the fact that, for today, I don’t have all the answers of what’s going to happen next.

    I’m able to set mindful intentions for myself to remain present and aware throughout my day, within the context that I am proceeding onto a new path in my life. With fearful dialogue in my head quieted, this skill is enhanced and I am open to new possibilities.

    I will continue learning to listen to my heart, which let’s me know that I am okay even though I don’t have all of the answers.

    And you are too.

  • The 3 Most Important Questions to Ask Yourself Every Day

    The 3 Most Important Questions to Ask Yourself Every Day

    “At the end of life, our questions are very simple: Did I live fully? Did I love well?” ~Jack Kornfield

    When I was seven years old, I almost died.

    My family and I were at Central Station in Sydney, Australia to celebrate the last steam train to ever depart the station.

    It was about eight at night, and I remember it so clearly.

    The train was stationary at the platform, about to depart. I heard the whistle from the engine as the wheels started to chug and move ever so slowly.

    My older brother and I were excited, and we decided that it would be a great idea to race the train. We told mum and dad, and they mentioned that they would meet us at the car outside afterward.

    The train started picking up some speed, so my brother and I started to jog beside it. Before we knew it, we were running. Shortly after that, we were sprinting.

    I remember ever so clearly watching the train as I was running along the platform. The carriages were a dark brown wooden color, and some of the windows were open. I remember one of the doors at the end of a carriage clanging open and shut with each jolt of the train.

    Then, I was out.

    The next thing I knew, I was huddled up in a crouched position with the wheels of the train literally centimeters from my face. I noticed that I was leaning hard against something firm. Then I realized it was the platform.

    I had somehow fallen in the gap between the platform and the train.

    I thought to myself, “How did I end up here?”

    The wheels continued to roll past me, and I could feel the breeze like it was trying to suck me in. I crouched there, staring at the end of the train, waiting for it to finally pass me by.

    After what seemed to be an eternity, the train finally moved past me and I was left there, crouching in the open with everything around me starting to go quiet.

    I quickly stood up and turned to the platform to see an older lady sitting on a bench, hands cupped around her mouth and eyes wide open. She was completely in shock.

    Before I knew it, my brother was with me and he pulled me up from the tracks onto the platform.

    He put his arm around me as started to move hastily back to my parents. However, he quickly removed his arm from around me and I noticed it had blood all over it. I realized I was bleeding heavily from the head.

    My parents were back at the car, and as we raced toward them they looked a little confused, not sure why I was crying and why my brother looked shocked. My brother started speaking really fast:

    “We were racing the train, and I was ahead of Brendan. I was getting toward the end of the platform so I stopped, and Brendan just ran into me! He went rolling along the platform and hit his head on the train and fell next to the tracks!”

    We rushed to hospital and got everything sorted. I was extremely lucky. The doctor mentioned that if it were an electric train I would have most likely died.

    As I went through this experience, I had a number of thoughts running through my head. Am I going to die? Do I have brain damage? Am I still going to be able to do the things I want to do?

    I then had some more thoughts that really hit me harder. What have I done in my life? Have I told everyone how much I love them? Has my life even mattered?

    I was only seven years old, but these thoughts and this experience had a profound impact on the way I conducted my life from then onward.

    I realized that I was blessed to have a second chance at life. I wanted to make sure that my life did matter. I wanted to make sure that I did achieve something and that I did tell those closest to me that I love them.

    I started focusing on my own personal development. Throughout school I was determined to get good grades and perform well at sports, as to me, this was success. I was always fascinated by the mind and throughout these years had a dream of running my own business, training people on human behavior and performance.

    However, I took on the advice of my parents and of society in general and ended up taking a safe job in the corporate world.

    There were so many days while working in the organization where I asked myself, “Am I really making a difference?” and “Am I living fully?” And you know what? I wasn’t happy with my answer.

    As the days went by and I asked myself these questions, I realized that I needed to make a change and make good on the promise I made to myself when I was seven years old.

    Although not an easy step, I have since left the corporate world and have a feeling of living more fully, making more of a difference, and loving more openly in this world. I’m proud of that.

    These are questions I still live by today and they guide me in everything I do. I believe they are the questions that everyone will ask when they are near the end of their time, and I encourage you to consider these questions today and regularly moving forward.

    Have you loved fully?

    I believe that the people in your life are the most important thing to your happiness, well-being, and your ability to cope through change in life. It is the people in your life that have made you who you are today.

    Don’t be afraid to tell those closest to you how much they mean to you. The more love and appreciation you show to others, the more love and appreciation you will get in return, compounding its positive effect on your life and on those around you.

    Have you lived fully?

    I believe that we all have the strength and ability to do the things that matter most to us, every single day.

    Don’t be afraid to do the things that you want to do. Take risks and live your life how you have always dreamed it to be.

    It can be challenging to do so, but with careful planning, support, and some steps in the right direction, you will be able to live more fully in the way you desire. Experience life in all it has to offer. Take challenges, expand your comfort zone, and be the best you can be in this world.

    Have you made a difference?

    I believe that we are all here to make a difference in this world.

    I believe that we all have something—be it wisdom, wealth, or love—that we can share with those around us.

    Don’t be afraid to stand up for what you believe in and don’t be afraid to make yourself vulnerable. It’s this vulnerability that enables you to be who you truly are and demonstrate to the world what you believe in. There are others in this world that can benefit from what you can do or what you have to say.

    Life is an amazing journey in which we are here to make a difference and support one another.

    You don’t need to wait for a near-death experience to realize this. You can ask yourself these questions now. I can certainly say it’s worth it.

  • How to Take Care of Yourself During Tough Times

    How to Take Care of Yourself During Tough Times

    “Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.” ~Jack Kornfield

    Several years ago, within a matter of months, I experienced the death of a parent, the breakdown of a committed relationship, and the death of a treasured animal companion.

    I’d been doing okay with “normal” life tension, but when all that crap hit the fan… Wow.

    I handled it okay. Just okay. I’m not sure it was a time to expect myself to be amazing.

    Life is much better now.

    One of the biggest lessons I learned going through those experiences was that I really had no idea how to take care of myself.

    I’m great at taking care of others. I, like many of us, could give you loads of examples of how wonderfully supportive and understanding I can be. However, I’d neglected to take the time to understand me and what sorts of things helped me to feel nurtured, supported, and cared for.

    I’ll skip the “yoga, getting enough rest, and chocolate” portion of the list (since you can find those kinds of self-care tips here). They’re super important, and the fact is, I already knew about them, but on their own they weren’t cutting it at that time in my life.

    Here are some lessons I learned that I hope we can all benefit from when we’re going through a tough time.

    Stay out of other people’s business.

    It’s really easy to get wrapped up in the situations and emotions of those we care about.

    When our partner is having a difficult time at work, we tend to feel their frustration and disappointment. When a loved one is going through a divorce, we may get caught up in their stories about how they’ve felt mistreated or how their spouse is being unfair.

    While doing these things is very common and considered a normal part of friendship, it’s not the time. These behaviors can be draining to our own energy. Listening to the emotions of others can cause those emotions to be stirred up in ourselves, especially if we relate to the situations they’re talking about.

    It’s simply not the time to use our energy reserves feeling other people’s emotions. We have our own to harmonize.

    Accept ourselves.

    Yeah, we know this one already. But how many of us are actually doing it?

    Here’s the thing: We can absolutely accept where we are at any given moment, while also holding space for wanting more; for being more compassionate; for having a better education, a more successful business, or for meeting a loving partner.

    Accepting where we are at doesn’t mean we don’t have goals, or can’t visualize a different, presumably even more fulfilling life. It means that we recognize there are times in our life where we won’t be amazing (see above). That there are times when we’ll do the minimum to get by, because that’s all the energy we have.

    Sometimes, that’s just how it’s going to be.

    Accepting where we are at is always a priority, but particularly in times of intense strain. No beating ourselves up allowed.

    Recognize what helps us feel good when we’re stressed.

    Again, seems like a no-brainer. However, when I was going through these experiences, I assumed that having coffee or drinks with a good friend would help me feel better.

    Normally, I really enjoy this and find it relaxing.

    Surprisingly, I found I was not enjoying these get-togethers. It wasn’t that my friends weren’t sympathetic. It was simply that I needed me (and me alone) time to process and heal. The very greatest friend simply could not offer me what I could offer myself at that time.

    We’re all different. Some of us will find great comfort in surrounding ourselves with friends; others will benefit from immersing ourselves in our hobbies or in our work. There’s no right answer here. It’s a matter of paying attention to our own needs and what works for us, not what general opinion says that we need.

    This is also not a time to cave to social or family obligations if we don’t find them to be nourishing. If the weekly family dinner is fun and supportive, go for it. If it’s more of a “dredging up the past” fest, then let that routine go until you’re feeling stronger.

    Re-learn how to focus.

    Many of us feel busy, busy, busy. And it’s true—we are busy. That said, taking the time to really assess our Internet and social media time can be enlightening.

    If I’m honest, I spend one to two hours of a “work” day cruising Facebook and Twitter, checking and answering email, and reading posts on different news outlets.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. It is, for some of us though, a behavior that has “trained” us to not be as focused as we could be.

    Instead of sitting down and spending an uninterrupted two hours on a particular task, getting sidetracked online can cause that same task to take me three to four hours (or more!).

    Great focusing skills also apply to our “me” time. It’s not just useful when working or studying. Focus can also help to optimize the time we do spend relaxing or self-nurturing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve “intended” to meditate or nap, and have found myself obsessively checking email instead.

    Using apps to limit one’s access to social media can be a great way to start the process of shifting our online habits.

    In times of stress, compassion for self, in the manner that is the most soothing and fulfilling for us, is a priority. To be present in our lives, and for our loved ones, and yes, for ourselves, this self-care is imperative.

    What do you pay attention to when you’re in an intense period of self-care?

  • 5 Habits of High Self-Esteem to Adopt If You Want to Be Happier

    5 Habits of High Self-Esteem to Adopt If You Want to Be Happier

    “Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” ~Unknown

    Ten years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I wasn’t really my own best friend.

    I was in college and although things were going okay with my studies, I wasn’t very happy.

    When I made a mistake or failed I beat myself up for days or sometimes weeks.

    I mostly focused on the negative and rarely took the time to appreciate the small and wonderful things about my life and myself.

    I compared how I looked, my results in school, and success while dating—or more accurately, the total lack of dates—to what other people had and their results.

    I was stuck in a rut of negativity and low self-esteem. Not a good place to be in.

    But finally, after many years, I broke out of that rut.

    It wasn’t easy. But step by small step I made changes in how I thought and how I viewed the world and myself. I stumbled along the way and many times I fell back into my old negative habits.

    Today I’d like to share five habits that helped me to make that big change in my life, that I still rely on to this day and every day to maintain and build my self-esteem.

    1. Compare yourself to yourself.

    One of the first things I decided that I needed to stop doing was comparing myself and what I had to other people and what they had.

    But what to do instead, since replacing a habit tends to be more successful than trying to just stop doing it?

    I decided that I would compare myself to myself instead.

    To look at how I had grown. How far I had come. How I had become more successful in small or bigger ways.

    2. Be kinder toward other people.

    One interesting thing I discovered was that when you are kinder toward other people in your life, you tend to think about and treat yourself in a kinder way, too.

    And the other nice thing about this is that how you treat others is how they tend to treat you in the long run.

    So I have found it very helpful to focus on being kind in my daily life.

    This kindness doesn’t have to be about big things.

    It can simply be to:

    • Just be there and listen fully for a few minutes as you let someone vent
    • Give a genuine compliment
    • Let someone into your lane while driving
    • Take a few minutes to help someone out in a practical way by giving advice, using Google to help them find something, lifting a heavy table, or making arrangements for a dinner at a restaurant

    3. When you stumble, be your own best friend.

    Instead of beating yourself up when you make a mistake, fail, or stumble in some way, ask yourself: How would my best friend or parent support me and help me in this situation?

    Then simply do things and talk to yourself like he or she would.

    This simple change in perspective can help you to not fall down into a valley of depressed thoughts, but to be constructive and optimistic about what you do from here on out.

    4. Leave perfectionism behind.

    One of the biggest reasons why I beat myself up so much was that I often wanted things to be perfect.

    And so I held myself to an inhuman standard, in school and whatever I did, really.

    A big problem with this mindset was, of course, that I often did not do things at all because I was afraid that I could not do them perfectly. Or, I felt it would be too much work and quit before I had even gotten started.

    Just realizing how this mindset was hurting me and people around me helped me to let go of it and adopt a healthier outlook.

    Also, reminding myself that there is a thing called “good enough” and focusing on reaching that instead of perfection helped me not only to get better results, but also perform better in all areas of my life.

    It also helped me to stop procrastinating so much and to take a lot more action to improve my life step by step.

    5. Keep in mind why your self-esteem is so, so important.

    Here is my experience with improving my own self-esteem in the past few years:

    • Life will become simpler and lighter, because you will not make mountains out of molehills nearly as often anymore.
    • You’ll be less needy and more stable as a human being. When you like yourself more, when your opinion of yourself goes up, then you’ll stop trying so eagerly to get validation and attention from other people.
    • You’ll sabotage yourself less. By raising and keeping your self-esteem up, you will feel more and more deserving of good things in all areas of your life. So you’ll go after these good things more often and with more motivation. And when you get them, then you’ll be a lot less likely to self-sabotage because you know that you deep down actually deserve to have them in your life.
    • You’ll be more attractive in any kind of relationship. With better self-esteem you’ll get the benefits listed above. And all of that is highly attractive in any kind of relationship. No matter if that relationships is with a friend, at work, in school, or with a partner.

    All these huge benefits have also made my life happier. And as I move through my days I keep these very important reasons for keeping my self-esteem up and improving it in the forefront of my mind.

    Doing this simple thing has done wonders for my own self-esteem and for my motivation to make it a top priority in my life.

  • What to Do When You Find It Hard to Do What’s Good for You

    What to Do When You Find It Hard to Do What’s Good for You

    “If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” ~Lao Tzu

    I know how you feel.

    You know you shouldn’t eat that cookie, but it’s as if there’s something from deep within that compels you to move your arm forward, pick it up, and consume it in one, grandiosely guilty gesture.

    You find yourself performing entire series of behaviors—like reaching into your pocket, picking out the pack, getting the cigarette, and lighting it—without even realizing what you’ve done until you’ve got the thing in your mouth.

    You promise yourself you won’t complain, judge, or gossip, and there you are giggling about that thing she’s wearing or rolling your eyes at the person in front of you in line who’s taking ages to pick out her coupons.

    You wake up in the morning with the full intent to exercise, feeling faint pangs of guilt with each passing hour on the clock, each hour with its own special excuse. “Too early” becomes “Too hungry” becomes “Too full” becomes “Too late.”

    You mean to meditate, you really do, but you spend the whole time bothering about all the items on your to-do list and getting chest-clenching reminders of all the things you’ve forgotten. In the end, relaxing stresses you out even more.

    What is going on? Why is it so difficult to just do what’s good for you? Why does it seem so easy for other people? Are some people biologically equipped to be emotionally and physically healthy? Are their lives just easier and more stress-free than yours?

    It’s much too easy to say that people who do what’s good for them are different from you somehow. However, it’s even easier to reply to such claims with “You can do it!” or any endless refrain of motivational and inspirational slogans.

    We’ve all heard that we can do it if we set ourselves to it, so all the motivational tapes make us feel even worse when we, as if possessed by demons, reach out and pay for the very fries that we spend hours regretting.

    That’s because motivation isn’t the answer. Neither is willpower. I found this out the hard way.

    Once upon a time, I tried to quit smoking. I failed. I thought I’d failed because I hadn’t picked a proper replacement behavior and because it wasn’t the right time.

    In reality, smoking was the least of my problems. I was extremely close to a mental breakdown. I didn’t see it that way, but I knew something was wrong.

    The same way that you can become obese over ten years by eating just a little bit extra at every meal, I became just a little bit more mentally ill every day. It was barely noticeable because it was so gradual. I was acclimatizing to my misery as I was plunging into it.

    Have you ever been drawing or writing something and suddenly made a mistake? It just makes it worse when you try to cover it up, but you can’t seem to stop. You just keep making it worse and worse the more you try to fix it.

    Well, that was my relationship with my body, my mind, and my life.

    As the pressure began to build, I kept ignoring obvious signs of my distress. I remember rubbing at my face, thinking that the dark circles around my eyes were from smudged eyeliner. Except they didn’t rub off.

    I remember getting nightmares night after night. I remember when I started eating meat again, after abstaining for nine years. I remember when I stopped exercising and started smoking double the amount. I remember when I started drinking every day.

    I felt, more and more, like I didn’t really care much about my body, like it could rot for all I cared.

    It wasn’t until I became suicidal and started hearing voices that I started to panic a little. Obviously, something was wrong.

    So, I decided to quit smoking. Obviously it was the smoking.

    Genius, right?

    The first time I tried, it failed. Within about twenty-four hours of stopping, all of my mental symptoms worsened tenfold. I was a wreck. I reached back for a cigarette.

    I waited a few weeks and tried again.

    Within two weeks I had a mental breakdown, which I must say was one of the most amazing things that had ever happened to me. It was a beautiful moment between me and myself.

    Suddenly, all that had been extremely complicated and confusing became simple and easy. I faced a choice: change or die.

    Choosing to change meant getting on my knees. It meant surrendering to a higher power I couldn’t define or see, and trusting that, even though I wasn’t in control anymore, something would carry me through and help me heal.

    There, I found peace.

    And yet, my journey after the breakdown was extremely rocky.

    I would fluctuate between peace and distress. For a while, I would be happy, peaceful, and joyful. I would treat my body like a temple and feel this intense, building urge to just take care of it, to give it nourishing care and tenderness.

    Then I would crash. I would reach back for old vices and the same old insecurities.

    After a few months of fluctuating, I crashed again. This time, I ended up in the hospital with meningitis. I knew the moment I got admitted that it wasn’t a coincidence. I knew I’d done it to myself.

    Staying in the hospital was sort of like going to prison.

    I was being punished for the way I’d been treating myself. I was being punished by my own body, by my own self.

    I remember reading that, if you were to go to bed as a non-smoker and wake up the next morning with all the symptoms of having smoked for ten years, you’d rush yourself to the emergency room. You’d think something was horribly wrong.

    The only reason that people smoke for ten years without much worry is because the consequences come on so gradually.

    For ten years, I’d ignored the effects of my self-hating, self-destructive thoughts the same way that I’d ignored the effects of smoking cigarettes. I couldn’t ignore them anymore.

    Lying in that hospital bed, in excruciating pain because the doctors refused to give me narcotics considering my “history,” I realized that the reason I kept hurting myself was because I believed I deserved it.

    I was always telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. I was always judging my body. I was always comparing myself to others and deeming myself unworthy.

    After I broke down, I started being more loving to myself but, soon enough, the old habits returned.

    Lying alone in that hospital bed, I learned my lesson. I realized that self-love was not an option. If you don’t love yourself, you’ll destroy yourself and do what’s bad for you. There’s no middle ground.

    After I got released, I got to work. I read some books, made some plans, and, more importantly, embraced myself.

    I quit smoking, re-embraced vegetarianism, started exercising again, and opened my first blog. I decided to pursue my dreams at any cost and to take care of myself, because I deserve it.

    It’s not that I’ve discovered some magical willpower formula that’s helped me combat cravings for cigarettes. I just haven’t craved them.

    It’s not that I force myself not to eat meat. I just don’t want it.

    Doing yoga, writing a book, starting a business—these weren’t hard. They were meaningful and enjoyable. It was destroying myself and ignoring the effects of it that was hard.

    In the end, I’ve realized that a craving is never just a craving. A craving is a signal that something’s missing. An urge to restart old, destructive habits is always, always a sign.

    If you can’t seem to do what’s good for you, then maybe you don’t think you deserve what’s good. If you feel compelled to hurt yourself, maybe you think you deserve to be hurt.

    At the end of the day, I realized that I didn’t need to quit smoking. I needed to quit hating myself.

    I didn’t need to start exercising. I needed to start respecting my body.

    I didn’t need to stop drinking. I needed to stop numbing my emotions.

    I didn’t need to watch my calories. I needed to watch my thoughts.

    Inside each of us, there’s a state of mind where being good to ourselves, others, and the planet is effortless. Don’t try to do good or be good. Just find that state of mind, and it’s all downhill from there.

    Editor’s Note: Vironika has generously offered to give away two copies of her new book The Love Mindset: An Unconventional Guide to Healing and Happiness. To enter to win a copy, leave a comment below. You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, January 6th.

    Update: The winners have been chosen: Tiffanie and Belinda.

  • 6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts

    6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts

    Freedom

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Here I am, huddled up close to the wood burner, my only source of heat, sitting on an old recliner chair that was given to me, in a rented apartment with windows soaked with condensation. Outside it is cold, wet, and dreary, a typical English winter’s day.

    My business folded in July with substantial personal debt and I turned forty-four in August.

    Perhaps not the most heart-warming start to a post, but rather some raw facts of how my life is now, not x number of years ago before I turned my life around, but now! I’m pretty sure I am not alone in this situation I find myself.

    In July when I folded my never very successful business resulting in substantial personal debt, the first thing I did was completely freak out—panic attacks, endless anxiety, depressive thoughts, the whole nine yards.

    I went to my doctor who gave me anti-anxiety medication without a second thought. I tried them for a couple of months, but I had been down that route before and this time I felt that it was not the solution to my problems. So after consulting with the doc I carefully weaned myself off of them.

    What I needed was answers as to what was causing me so much pain inside rather than a Band-Aid to cover it. I needed to find out why I seemed to have spent my entire life under a shadow, a shadow from which I never felt comfortable emerging to engage fully with the world for fear of being seen.

    Enter Tiny Buddha. I found Tiny Buddha by chance while endlessly searching for answers as to what was broken in me. What I discovered after reading hundreds of posts was a revelation: I am not broken.

    After digging deeper, I began to realize that I was locked in a trance most of the time, a trance created by my egoic mind. A trance shaped by fear during my formative years. My psyche was trying to protect me from the fear and lack of safety I felt when growing up; it was trying to keep me safe.

    My childhood interpretation of the events I experienced, combined with non-compassionate and non-understanding authority figures, led my psyche to decide that the best way to deal with life was to retreat to a place of safety and hide, to not get involved or be exposed in any way.

    It met any situation or event that it interpreted as fearful with vigorous resistance.

    As most things in life contain some element of fear and anticipation, especially new things, my egoic mind trance was active most of the time, constantly in the background, ready to come to my rescue at the slightest whiff of perceived danger.

    The irony is that my mind’s way of “rescuing” me was to paralyze me with feelings of dread, worry, and anxiety, coupled with the physical feelings associated with panic. 

    It’s not easy when your egoic mind has spent the greater part of your life trying to convince you that it is the only place where you are safe.

    Over the years the egoic mind has plenty of time to really go to town building a devilishly intricate trance machine that becomes deeply entrenched in the psyche. Mine was so entrenched that I thought it was me. Until recently, that is.

    What I am learning from reading many posts on Tiny Buddha, which led me to books, podcasts, and other resources on the subject of the being, is this:

    1. We need to realize that we truly are not our thoughts.

    Our thoughts come from the egoic mind. We are the awareness that hears the thoughts.

    When you talk to yourself inside your mind, to whom are you actually talking? It is your awareness, and that is who you are, that is your being. Not the thoughts.

    Your thoughts are just constructs of your egoic mind. You can actually choose to let them float on by without believing or engaging them, should you choose to.

    2. Understand it is not your fault that your mind is causing you such pain; it’s a product of evolution.

    Back in the days of caves and things with sharp pointy teeth, you were more likely to survive if you were ever vigilant of danger—meaning the genes that favored this behavior were more likely to get passed down… to you.

    The egoic mind thinks it is helping you by keeping you safe and trapped inside a trance. It is not its fault, and you have to face your trance thoughts with compassion and love, and be able to forgive yourself. It really isn’t your fault.

    3. Use meditation and mindfulness throughout the day; learn to see the space between the real you—which is awareness—and the egoic mind, as its thoughts race by.

    Observe thoughts for what they are: just thoughts. Try not to allow yourself to become absorbed in your thoughts and go into trance, but do not punish yourself if you do.

    Be kind and compassionate to yourself when you recognize you have drifted away and start fresh in the moment, returning to a state of mindful awareness whenever you can.

    4. Identify the trance thoughts and emotions as they arise and name them.

    For example, “Oh, this is fear I am feeling, just fear,” or “I feel you dread and worry; it’s okay,” or “Hello shame and unworthiness; I see you.”

    This technique of compassionate recognition will reduce the power they have over you, as you have exposed them for what they really are: just thoughts.

    5. Remember that it takes perseverance and practice, lots of it.

    Another fun thing we inherited from our ancestors is that the fear of something can become embedded in our long-term memory even after a single, brief exposure to it. Conversely, it takes much longer and repeated exposure to positive stimuli before they are committed to long-term memory.

    6. Each time you notice yourself in a state of negativity, use it as an opportunity to practice, to mindfully observe your thoughts with acceptance and compassion.

    This will allow them to flow through and out of you rather than be kept inside to be constantly recycled.

    Do not beat yourself up if you find it difficult to let go of thinking. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. It took you more than a few days to learn to read and write. It will take a little time for you to calm your egoic mind and let your awareness shine through.

    This is the path I have begun to walk. I’ve begun to let go of expectations about others and myself; to learn to be compassionate and to love myself; to accept who I am, and where I am in this moment; to try not to judge others or myself. To know that in this moment everything is okay.

    And now that my cat is lying on my lap, I guess that means it is time to finish this. Life is all about these moments.

    Photo by D.Ph

  • Enjoying Our Passions Instead of Focusing on Status and Approval

    Enjoying Our Passions Instead of Focusing on Status and Approval

    Happiness

    “If your number one goal is to make sure that everyone likes and approves of you, then you risk sacrificing your uniqueness, and, therefore, your excellence.” ~Unknown

    The year that I graduated from college with my undergraduate degree, I was beyond enthusiastic about being a teacher.

    I was absolutely confident that I was a very gifted communicator and that I had a great deal to offer to the field of education. In reality, I had no idea how right I was, yet how different my path would be from what I expected.

    For me, work was not just a “J-O-B”; however, my first school job was incredibly disappointing for me. The students were apathetic, my colleagues were unimpressed with me, and at the end of the year I was crushed when I received an average performance review.

    When I switched schools, under the impression that a change of scenery would improve my experience, I somehow carried with me in my bag of tricks the same perfectionism and tendency to overwork that had poisoned my first experience.

    To my frustrated mind, it was as though my previous school’s faculty had gone backstage, changed costumes, and reappeared in new garb to undermine me.

    That year, I was so determined to make a name for myself locally that I worked myself into an almost hysterical state of constant anxiety and busy-ness.

    Responding to every emergency, I took on all the weaknesses of the struggling school system in an effort to feel important and indispensable. I thought great teachers could work miracles. Again, I was right—but not in the way that I assumed.

    Ironically, the intensity and drive that I brought to my teaching did nothing to increase its impact or my prestige.

    My people-pleasing was not only compromising my professional effectiveness, but it was also causing me to continue to look outside of myself, to my principal, my students, and my colleagues, for affirmation—something that I could only give myself.

    However, the worst part was that I had begun to resent my students, because they became the symbol of my exhaustion. I turned in my resignation at the end of that school year with a sinking feeling of defeat.

    How was I, the star of my college graduating class, rapidly becoming a statistic of teacher attrition?

    That summer, I applied for new teaching positions relentlessly as unemployment loomed before me, but I wondered if the problem was the job—or me.

    I researched graduate school obsessively, continually looking for the next right thing that would launch me into professional happiness. However, all roads were dead ends.

    I didn’t realize it, but the emptiness and anger were having a profound impact on my ego, as I was no longer sure that I had anything special to offer education or culture, let alone a confidence that my ideas were as valuable as anyone else’s contributions to the world.

    Most importantly, I was beginning to question the purpose of work and vocation in my life for the first time. I asked myself, “What do I want to do?” instead of, “What should I do?”

    I completed an extensive career workbook that allowed me to take an honest look at my spiritual motives for working, and I realized that my relationship to work was based on my desire for recognition—a gift that I could grant myself simply by believing in the unique value that I brought to the educational world.  

    My addiction to achievement, education, and status had defined me for so long that my newfound non-identity, professionally, was intensely quieting.

    While I was in this space of self-exploration and laying the groundwork for a major career change, however, I was unexpectedly offered an interview at a very appealing private school.

    Ironically, by that time, I was simply interviewing as a last-ditch effort to use my existing education degree before I became a fitness instructor or got a degree in counseling.

    On the interview, I was casually frank and personable—I did not use the PowerPoint presentation that I had brought on my computer to all of my other failed interviews. I simply talked about my passion for my subject with directness, humor, and energy.

    Then, of course, I got the job—and, surprisingly, there was a mix of disappointment in my excitement.

    I had barely attained serenity without my “teacher” mortarboard, and then the universe returned that role to me. That’s when the two years of experience that I had sown, planted in frustration, and watered with anger and emptiness began to flower.

    Because I was less emotionally invested than I ever had been before, I found myself creating ways to rearrange my working time at my new school so that I could do more teaching and exploration of my fascinating subject, and less codependent overworking.

    I began to experience more “flow” states, of being totally engaged in my teaching. Also, I had developed numerous hobbies, such as writing, from my period of unemployment, and I continued to enjoy them.

    I said “no” more than I ever had at any other job. I was late occasionally, I risked people’s disappointment, and I stood up for myself. In other words, I took my job, and myself, a lot less seriously.

    I had finally taken myself off my self-created pedestal and joined my coworkers as a more relatable person, and for the first time ever I felt connected to the people around me, and the relationships allowed my unique and talented voice to be heard in the workplace in the way that I had always wanted.

    Best of all, I realized late that first autumn that I truly loved my students and my subject—fortunately, somewhere along my winding path I had left behind that bitter version of myself that resented the young people who depended on me most.

    Work, now, isn’t all about what I should do or what I have to do—now in the mix there’s a healthy dose of what I want to do. My passion is a precious gift that I should share with the people around me, not hoard in order to obtain status.

    My valuable voice is heard best when I am surrounded by a caring, connected community, and that circle is not available to me when I overwork and isolate myself.

    For me, being a human being in the workplace means that I make mistakes, and that those flaws connect me with the people around me.

    I’ve learned that we don’t always have to make major career changes to become content with our work. We may only need to appreciate the energy that flows from what we do, and stop looking outside of ourselves for affirmation of our uniqueness and worth.

    Photo by camdiluv

  • Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations

    Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations

    Disappointed

    “If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes it feels as if you are completely in control of your life, but when it comes to relationships there’s always the other person.

    In a relationship, you can’t be the puppeteer. People have their own emotions, behaviors, actions, beliefs, scars, wounds, fears, dreams, and perspectives. They are their own person.

    How often have you wanted a relationship to be something that it was not?

    How many times have you said a certain word or phrase in order to spark a specific reaction?

    How much do you expect from this person? Do they fail you each and every time?

    In healthy relationships there are certain expectations, like being treated well or being respected. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that don’t mirror what we anticipate to happen. We may feel hurt or used.

    We cannot expect other people to treat us as we would treat them. We cannot assume anything or force change upon someone who clearly demonstrates he or she is stuck in his or her own way.

    With eyes full of clarity, I am capable of changing the relationships in my life by adjusting my point of view.

    I call my father a sperm donor. He gave me life but never showed up in my life.

    My friends at school never knew I had a father because they never saw him. He missed all of the concerts and sports games. For the majority of my life, we didn’t talk. He didn’t acknowledge me—no birthday calls. I had no idea where my dad lived. Some days I was not sure he was still alive.

    In high school, my dad limped back into my life. I could stop by his apartment and visit him when I wanted to. If I called him, he would pick up the phone. Things were changing between us.

    Blindingly bright, his true colors revealed themselves the night before my high school graduation when I called to make sure he was coming. He said he couldn’t attend because he had to drive a friend to the airport. Cabs exist. His friend could have used one. I was angry, sad, and most of all, hurt.

    Rejection from my father has been the hardest thing for me to accept. It is not easy to grasp the idea that someone who once loved me, adored me, gave life to me could turn his back and walk away so easily.

    I could no longer take the feelings of disappointment.

    These feelings were a direct result of what I was expecting from him:

    • Assuming he would respond to things as I would.
    • Assuming he would care like I do.
    • Assuming he thinks in a similar way as I do.

    I was living in a fantasyland of my hopes, dreams, ideas, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions.

    I was hurting myself most.

    For the protection of my emotional body, I changed my perception from what I hoped would happen to being open to experience whatever actually happens.

    This shift didn’t occur immediately, but by following the five steps listed below I was able to come to peace with the type of relationship I have with my father.

    1. Be aware of reality.

    Acknowledge the other person’s behaviors. Look at patterns and how they regularly treat you. Remember the feelings you had in the past. Don’t be fooled into believing things are different from how they are.

    2. Stop manipulating situations.

    Many times we yearn for specific responses, like validation and approval. When we do not receive what we want, we may speak or behave in certain ways to try to elicit the desired reaction.

    This type of behavior leaves us feeling empty when the other person does not react the way we hope they would. Remember, you cannot change anyone; it is up to them to change.

    3. Let go.

    Throw expectations and assumptions out the door. Release the hopes, wishes, and dreams that things will change by detaching from the ideas.

    Get out of the fantasy world by not hooking into the thoughts of what could be. Keep your mind from running into the future. Remain open to all possibilities by staying in the present moment.

    4. Focus on those who love you.

    It will be easier to follow the third step if you remind yourself of those who are there for you. They continue to be there because they care about you. Focus on people who make you feel loved, connected, cared for, and worthy. Reach out to them and reconnect.

    5. Learn to love yourself.

    Provide yourself with what you are yearning for (compliments, compassion, or encouragement). Only you know what you truly need.

    Realize each moment you are being the best you at that time. Build self-confidence and strive to eliminate any doubts you have about yourself. When you feel shaky or alone, look in your eyes in the mirror and say, “I love you.” Nurture yourself. Feel the love you have inside of yourself.

    Let go of your expectations of people and see how your relationships change. And if you don’t feel differently about it or if it’s not benefiting you, you can always walk away. Your emotional state matters most. You cannot control other people, but you can make yourself happy.

    Photo by Don

  • 3 Lessons from Traveling That Lead to Everyday Happiness

    3 Lessons from Traveling That Lead to Everyday Happiness

    Ehren Prudhel in China

    “Remember that happiness is a way of travel—not a destination.” ~Roy M. Goodman

    After graduating from college I took off to explore Europe for four months with one of my best friends.

    We backpacked through fourteen different countries and learned things about the world and ourselves that we never expected. We often joked that we learned more about life and ourselves traveling abroad for four months than we did going to school for four years in college.

    When you’re traveling, you get a whole new perspective on what really matters, and you feel this sense of adventure and excitement that reminds you just how many possibilities you have in life.

    Still infected with the travel bug, I decided last year to spend six weeks with a good friend in China. In the land of Buddhas, bikes, and chopsticks, I remembered three important lessons that have helped me find happiness and fulfillment in everyday life. (more…)

  • Why You Should Do That Thing You’ve Always Wanted to Do

    Why You Should Do That Thing You’ve Always Wanted to Do

    snowboarding

    “Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H. Schuller

    In March this year, I did something I had wanted to do since the age of nine: I had my first piano lesson. At the time I was nearly thirty-five, so it had only taken me twenty-six years to get around to it.

    Why the delay? Well, when I was little, we couldn’t afford lessons, but looking back I see that was only an excuse until I got my first part-time job at sixteen—which means that the last nineteen years of procrastinating were entirely down to me.

    Over those years, thoughts of playing the piano had come back to me on quite a few occasions.

    Whenever I talked about it with anyone, we would usually end up agreeing that either it would be too expensive or that I was now just too old. After all, piano lessons are for kids, and posh kids at that.

    Then, one day, I heard that the TV presenter Jonathan Ross was learning to play. He wasn’t posh! And he was older than me! If he could do it, surely I could too. After hearing this, I decided I’d really have to start thinking about having lessons.

    And I did—think about it, I mean. I thought about it a lot. Every time I saw Jonathan Ross on TV, every time I met someone who could play the piano, every time I saw a piano, every time I heard the word “piano.”

    “One day I’ll learn,” I’d think, “when I have more money.”

    Then, when I was teaching in Italy, a golden opportunity came my way: one of my students was a piano teacher. I was very excited when she told me this and instantly told her that I’d love to be able to play.

    Guess what? She offered to give me a lesson. For free! I leapt at the chance and rushed to her house first thing the next morning. Of course, I didn’t really do that. That’s what I should have done.

    Instead, I told her I thought it would be easier for children and asked her if it would be difficult to learn at my age.

    “Maybe,” she said, and that was that. We quickly forgot all about it and the idea was pushed aside once more, with me safe in the knowledge that there really was nothing I could do about it.

    Fast-forward about seven years and I was teaching a group of mixed nationality students in Bournemouth, England. At one point a student asked me if I played an instrument.

    I gave him my usual answer: “No, but I’ve always wanted to be able to play the piano.” He smiled at me and asked, “What have you done to make your dream come true?”

    I was slightly stunned by this question. Not only did I realize I had done nothing, but I hadn’t really thought of it as a dream before; I just thought it was something that I’d quite like to do, if only I could.

    But it was a dream. It had come back to me again and again. Why hadn’t I done something about it? Why couldn’t I do it? What was stopping me?

    I would like to be able to tell you that I ran home and found myself a teacher right away, but I didn’t.

    It wasn’t until a few months later that I finally went for it. I was writing a list of all the things I’d like to start doing in my free time and again, piano lessons were on my list. My student’s words rang in my ears: “What have you done to make your dream come true?”

    “Right! That’s it!” I thought. Turning to my trusty friend, Google, I did a search on “piano teachers in Bournemouth” and found one who lived five minutes from my flat.

    What’s more, she gave free trial lessons. I had nothing to lose. I emailed her right away and booked a lesson for later that week.

    Eight months and a few “good job” stickers later, I am quite amazed by how much I’ve learned in such a short space of time. But one question still bothers me: Why did it take me so long?

    It wasn’t the money; I could have had free lessons in Italy. It wasn’t a lack of a good teacher; I hadn’t even tried to look for one before. When I finally did, she lived a stone’s throw away from my flat.

    What it really boiled down to was this: I was scared.

    I was scared that I wouldn’t be good enough, posh enough, young enough, confident enough, and Lord-knows-what-else enough to learn how to play a musical instrument. People like me just didn’t do that sort of thing.

    How many of us do this? How many people put off doing the things we want to do through fear of failure or being ridiculed?

    What was the worst thing that could have happened? I would have been a rubbish piano player, that’s all. And only my teacher would have known.

    Why do we do it? Why are we so afraid of stepping out of our comfort zone?

    Because that’s just what it is. It’s comforting; we know what’s going to happen. There’s minimal stress involved; we’re safe.

    We’re also most probably, bored rigid. Staying in our comfort zone doesn’t allow us to grow into the people we were meant to be.

    Why is it so important to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do?

    Learning to play an instrument is hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. Seeing that you have the ability to do something that you didn’t think possible helps to boost your confidence and leads you to think, “Hang on a minute; what else could I do?”

    Nowadays, I’m busy taking my first baby steps toward self-employment and getting my writing out to the world. I’m fully invested in going for my dream.

    While that’s not entirely because of the piano lessons, they have helped give me the confidence to see that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

    It’s never too late (except that sometimes, it kind of is).

    I was originally going to title this post something like “It’s never too late to…” but then I realized that’s not entirely true.

    The truth is, none of us know how long we have, or what condition our health will be in if we do reach old age.

    You never know when the chance will pass you by completely.

    And while I’m happy with my progress, as I practice my latest masterpiece in the hope of another sticker, I can’t help but wonder what I could be playing by now if I’d started earlier.

    So my message is simple: Whatever you want to do, go for it, whether it’s pottery, rock-climbing, tap dancing, or knitting.

    Think of the worst thing that could happen, which will probably be that you’ll be no good.

    So what?

    You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

    There’s no reason not to go for that thing you’ve always wanted to do.

    Photo by Alex Indigo