Tiny Buddha

Tag: goals

  • Don’t Try to Become the Best, Be Your Best Right Now

    Don’t Try to Become the Best, Be Your Best Right Now

    Victory

    “Do the best you can, from where you are, with what you have, now.” ~African-American proverb

    When I first started on my spiritual path, I desperately wanted to live in a more connected and satisfying way. I had a secret longing to know who I truly was and to finally reach my creative potential—not only as a writer, but also as a person. My intention was to express mastery through spirituality.

    At the time, this made perfect sense. Spirituality, for me, was connecting to the creative part of myself—that invisible, powerful place where anything is possible.

    A place where dreams are forged and destinies are realized. A place of poetic genius and inspiration. A place where masters live and breathe.

    But back then, I didn’t understand that when we embark on this journey, we tend to use what we know—which is almost always ego-based. And the ego can’t get us to where we need to go.

    This is because ego has way too much baggage. It weighs us down with things like fear, doubt, self-criticism, and anger. And yet, so many of us try the ego-based route first, as I did.

    I egotistically believed that mastery was about pounding on my craft, practicing it with unrelenting determination and will. I made it more about me. It became an intellectual exercise.

    I thought it was something that could be forced, conquered even. My motivation was all about achieving the goal—period!

    It didn’t take me long to encounter the inevitable setbacks, shortcomings, and failures that come with this kind of thinking. And when I failed to express the master inside of me, I was extremely hard on myself.

    The whole thing made me feel inadequate. The more I tried to force the master out, the less I felt like one. To make matters worse, all my teachers were still going on about “expressing mastery” and how easy it was.

    It was about then that I stepped back and took a hard look at what mastery really meant to me—to my aspirations and to my life. I realized that this ego-based perspective had been creating limiting beliefs and habits that kept me stuck.

    I feared my uncertain future and began to doubt my abilities. I allowed regret for past mistakes to overwhelm me and to crush my sense of self-worth. I even envied others for the rapid strides they seemed to be enjoying.

    This ego-driven, high-octane way wasn’t the answer, at least, not for me.

    So I decided to look at mastery in a different way—a healthier way.

    Granted, I’m still not always successful, but I believe I have a better approach to it nowadays.

    I’ve come to believe that mastery shouldn’t be about “being the best” or “knowing everything” or “flawlessness”—quite the opposite, in fact. Mastery is about the process of becoming, not the act of having become.

    When mastery becomes ego-driven (as it did for me), we set ourselves up for failure. No only because the ego weighs us down, but because it always tries to win.

    But, when your purpose is to live your best life, there is no winning or losing. No goal, no endgame.

    There is only you being your best—at that moment, whatever that means to you.

    This was immensely liberating. Imagine living your life from where you happen to be right now. To never again beat yourself up for not attaining some imagined goal suggested by somebody else.

    I now understand that my spiritual development can’t be measured by my achievements, or lack thereof. The only yardstick is my own level of awareness and how I feel.

    My new spiritual perspective and outlook on mastery has transformed me. It means that I can better appreciate who and what I am right now—which is a beautiful, ongoing process of discovery and growth.

    Paradoxically, the less I measure, the more I end up growing, as a person and as a writer.

    My goals have become more internalized, less tangible. They are also smaller, but no less important. They are about staying mindful and aware, without applying any judgments or criticisms to what is happening.

    In this way, I’ve stopped trying to express mastery. Instead I work towards being a master of who I am in this instant—knowing that I am, right now, a perfect expression of me.

    If you are feeling blocked or stuck, consider the possibility that your ego and your desire to master your life could be the very thing that is preventing you from getting to where you wish to be.

    Instead of trying to force your dreams with an iron will and steadfast determination, try a gentler touch. Stay fully present and aware. Simply give this moment your very best.

    Don’t worry about what you think you should be doing and where you should be going. Just be in the process of being you—right here, right now.

    And ironically, by not seeking mastery, mastery will find you.

    Reaching man image via Shutterstock

  • A Warning and a Gift for Anyone Who Isn’t Pursuing Their Dreams

    A Warning and a Gift for Anyone Who Isn’t Pursuing Their Dreams

    “Letting go of the past means that you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

    I grew up on a small cattle farm in the very small farming town of Savannah, Missouri with my grandfather and great grandparents.

    My great grandmother used to sit outside on the back porch and string green beans or peel apples when the weather was mild, a worn dish towel over her knee and an ancient paring knife moving with practiced ease. As a very small child I would often sit with her, watching, and sometimes we would talk.

    One evening we shared a conversation that would come to influence me for the rest of my life, though I didn’t realize it at the time.

    I asked if she had ever had something that she always wanted to do, a dream? She smiled, set down her work, leaned back, and looked off across the farm for a moment, lost in thought.

    She said that she had always wanted to see the ocean, visit Hawaii, and see the Eiffel Tower. She had only seen these things in pictures and on TV, and they were beautiful to her. But relatives and friends scolded her for having such ideas and encouraged her to put away these things that would never happen.

    So she did.

    Instead, she got married, raised two children, tended the farm alongside her husband, and prepared every meal without complaint. She packed my lunches, took me to school every single day, sewed my dresses and Halloween costumes from scratch, and made me cinnamon pies.

    She paid all the bills on time, did the grocery shopping, helped her community in any way she could, and was a very good wife, mother, grandmother, and great grandmother.

    At her funeral the church overflowed; every seat was taken by lives she had touched, and more stood in the vestibule and were forced out onto the sidewalk. She gave so much in her life while asking for nothing in return. She was an amazing woman, but I knew she never forgot her dream.  

    That one afternoon spent sitting with my great grandmother, watching her as she spoke with such warmth and sadness, stuck with me.

    As I became older I turned the story over and over in my head like a coin because I instinctively knew its lesson had two sides, but I was only seeing one. After many years of inspection, I found the duality that her story contained: a warning and a gift.

    The Warning: Make the choice to not let others dictate your dreams or goals.

    Your dreams are yours, no matter how simple or small or large or complicated they may be, and you have a right to chase them at any point in your life, for any reason.

    Do not give in to fear or uncertainty, do not doubt yourself, do not ask “Why? Why is this so important to me?” Your dreams are yours and yours alone. No one can take them from you, and you should never give up on them.

    The Gift: Make the choice to find happiness in your current path.

    Sometimes, for some reason, we choose to walk away from what our heart wants. Maybe we make the choice out of necessity, maybe we do not really have a choice in the matter, maybe we did not realize what we wanted till it was too late, maybe we did not want to seem “weird” to our friends.

    But life will always find a way to give you happiness, so be brave and keep yourself open to receive the joy that life is trying to give you.

    My great grandmother never gave herself permission to go do what she had always wanted to do, even when she had the time and money to do so. But she decided to never resent her choices; rather, she chose to find new meaning and fulfillment in her situation. This gave her the ability to grow past her hurt and loss to become a truly fulfilled person.

    Have the strength to attain dreams you think are out of your reach, while allowing yourself to find peace when you don’t follow your heart. Learn to succeed when others predict you will fail, and to laugh when you stumble or get lost.

    Your dreams and your life are your own. Never forget that.

  • Stop Feeling Powerless and Start Powerfully Creating Your Life

    Stop Feeling Powerless and Start Powerfully Creating Your Life

    On Top of the World

    “You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

    Some might say I was a late bloomer. I only discovered how powerful I really was at twenty-nine.

    My childhood and teenage years were horrific; I was severely bullied from when I first walked through the school gates to when I left for the last time. In my early formative years I was laughed at, verbally abused, and completely socially isolated.

    I was the equivalent of a lepper. No one wanted to be my friend for fear they would “catch” what I had and be bullied themselves. My parents moved me from school to school with the hope that I would be given a fresh start, free from torment.

    The bullying continued. Eventually, I stopped telling my parents, as I could see it was visibly upsetting them. I felt utterly powerless to stop the torture for my entire school life.

    At twenty-nine I discovered that those childhood scars were actually open wounds. Two years prior I had been engaged to my long-term boyfriend, who was mentally abusive and controlling, but because that was all I knew, I was completely unaware that the relationship—and him—were toxic. Soon after we married his behavior became much worse.

    I felt as if there was no escape; after all, marriage was supposed to be forever. I rapidly fell into a deep depression. At my worst point I confided in my parents and they paid for me to go to arguably one of the best facilities in the world.

    Suddenly, there I was attending assertiveness and self-esteem classes. I was learning about what my personal rights were and how to protect them. I stopped focusing on what was happening to me and instead focused on what was within my power—what I could personally do about it.

    And before I knew it, I changed from being powerless to powerful. Reflecting back, this shift was by no means accidental, there were three universal steps I took that can transport absolutely anyone from a powerless state into a powerful one.

    Step 1: Emotional detox: speak up!

    My ex had imposed his opinions on me for years prior to my breakdown. Through his abusive behavior he taught me that my thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and feelings just didn’t count. Eventually, this caused my self-esteem to plummet, which led to my depression.

    One of the most valuable things I learned while receiving treatment was that my thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and feelings were significant and mattered just as much as anyone else’s! They taught me to speak up in a way that was both respectful and considerate but also communicated my inherent worth.

    Have you ever decided to put off a difficult conversation or chosen not to speak up when someone hurt you? If so, speaking up more often will act as an emotional detox and will serve to boost your self-esteem and confidence.

    Most importantly of all, speaking up communicates to others you deserve to be treated with consideration and respect, the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.

    The next time you are faced with a difficult situation:

    • Acknowledge what the person has said
    • State the facts using neutral language
    • State the impact it has had on you
    • State what you want in future

    If words fail you at first, simply plan what you want to say before your next meeting. Once you begin speaking up more often, you will transform from feeling powerless to powerful.

    Step 2: Get crystal clear.

    One of the first things I did in recovery was to do a life audit. I broke my life down into eight areas and rated each area, one being unfulfilling and ten being amazing, with no room for improvement.

    1. Work
    2. Finances
    3. Time and Productivity
    4. Body and Health
    5. Hobbies and Interests
    6. Relaxation
    7. Family and Friends
    8. Romance

    I started to think about what my life would look like if all the areas scored a ten. What sort of job would I have? Would I take more time to relax?

    Before conducting my life audit I had forgotten I could change the status quo. I had failed to realize how powerful I really was! For the first time in ages I was actually excited for what my future held.

    By getting crystal clear on what you want you will move to being in the driving seat of your life, a very powerful position indeed.

    Step 3: Plan ahead.

    Once I was crystal clear I began thinking about a plan to get me from where I was to where I wanted to be.

    One of my main aims was to write a novel. I knew this was a hefty goal and would require detailed planning, so I began brainstorming how I could become a better creative writer. I bought the best creative writing textbooks and dedicated one hour a day to working through them.

    Meanwhile, I signed up for a beginner’s creative writing course and researched more advanced courses for the future. Finally, I decided to take private grammar lessons after which I would begin writing my first draft.

    As my example proves when planning ahead it is critical to make your plans SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timescaled).

    The more specific your plans are, the more realistic your expectations will be in terms of what is required to achieve success. I also measured my progress every six months and updated my goal accordingly to keep it as SMART as possible.

    When planning ahead, it’s vital to design a plan that is achievable, as this will impact your motivation. For example, I found engaging in creative writing for one hour a day totally achievable.

    Unsurprisingly, creating realistic plans is key. This doesn’t mean thinking small but rather being honest about the level of hard work, commitment, and time involved and whether that is an investment you are willing to make.

    When working out a timescale, look at others who have reached your goal and how long it took them. Your timescale should require you to stay productive and focused in order to reach your interim deadlines. At a core foundational level, this step had the most impact upon how powerful I felt by far.

    What are the dreams you desire most that you could start working toward today?

    —

    My life looks a lot different these days. The scars from my bullying have finally healed, I’m happily divorced, I have two diplomas behind me, I’ve gotten my driving license, and I’m working through my forty before forty bucket list.

    In life we all face challenges (that’s something that will never change), but what has changed for me is that I now face new challenges with confidence.

    Since I started speaking up, getting crystal clear, and planning ahead, I know I will approach challenges with dignity by focusing on what’s within my control. I still have my off days, but when they arise I remind myself that no one is perfect and tomorrow is a fresh opportunity to speak up and work toward my goals.

    The many years I spent asking “Why me?” taught me that we hugely underestimate how powerful we really are.

    In practice shifting from “Why me?” to an empowered position takes consistent effort.

    It’s like climbing a tall mountain; there are challenges along the way, but when you reach the peak the rewards are immediate and most of the hard work is behind you.

    Having said that, the descent still requires skill. It’s important to choose your steps carefully. By approaching life’s challenges consciously, you can avoid most of the rough terrain and ensure a smoother journey.

    Man on top of mountain image via Shutterstock

  • Living for Yourself So You Won’t Die Full of Regrets

    Living for Yourself So You Won’t Die Full of Regrets

    Happy Man Jumping

    “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown

    A mother was walking down the street with her two little sons. A man stopped to admire them and he asked, “You must be so proud of them! How old are they?” The mother answered, “Who? The doctor or the lawyer?”

    A few days ago I heard this joke and, despite its purpose, it just made me feel sad. I was one of those children who, when turned into adults, never explored their passions and never went for their dreams.

    I loved writing. I mean I could write for hours without feeling tired or hungry.

    I was so happy to express myself through my poetry. Fast-forward fifteen years: I was working as a finance manager in a top multinational company. I woke up one day and I just couldn’t move. I mean literally, I couldn’t leave the bed, I was so unhappy.

    Thinking about it, I was just like the upgraded version of my mother, who had been working all her life as an accountant in a small company.

    Don’t get me wrong; I love my mother. I love her so much that I could do anything just to see her happy, including embracing a career that I do not love, just to make her feel that I will be safe. Because I will be, right? What’s not safe about a management job that pays so well?

    But if this career is supposed to make me feel safe, why am I feeling like I am losing the most important battle of my life?

    Been there, done that. Hopefully, I am one of those who, in the end, managed to find themselves again. Unfortunately, I had to watch my father dying full of regrets just to be able to finally do this.

    So, what about you? If the joke above resonated with you in a not-so-funny way, you may want to consider this:

    Understand your story.

    Who were you as a child? What did you enjoy doing? Did you stop doing the things you enjoyed? When? Why? What have you learned about working from the people who had some authority in your life (parents, grandparents, brother, sister, teachers you admired)?

    Own your story.

    It is what it is and you can’t change the past. Allow yourself to be angry for a moment. Acknowledge your feelings. It’s okay; just don’t get stuck at being angry.

    Negative emotions will not help you or anyone else. Turn them into forgiveness. And then be grateful. People are dying each day being full of regrets; they don’t have any time left to change anything about their lives, but you do. You still do.

    Make a plan for yourself.

    Make it a daily/weekly routine to get in touch with your true self. What is your definition of being happy? Are you happy? Spend ten minutes each day, whenever you have the time, thinking about the things you really enjoyed. Is there a way to bring them back into your current life? How? When? Schedule it.

    In most cases, you don’t have to change your whole career, or even your current job. You just have to incorporate more things you love into your life.

    Make it happen: stick to the plan like it’s your most important project right now.

    It won’t be easy. Of course, you have your very limited free time and your responsibilities, kids to take care of, or you’re just traveling a lot. Still, you are your most important asset. And unless you are going to take responsibility for your happiness, no one else is going to. Furthermore, what do you want your kids to learn from you about life?

    Finally, please get yourself out of the “when vehicle.”

    When you’ll get that raise, when you’ll buy that bigger house, after you’re back from that wonderful trip, once your kids are going to leave for college… life happens to us while we are waiting for some distant event to take place.

    Smell the roses that are now growing in your small garden. You’ll feel instantly better. And that’s a promise.

    Happy man jumping image via Shutterstock

  • Overcoming the Worst Part of Finding Your Passion

    Overcoming the Worst Part of Finding Your Passion

    Reach for the stars

    “You gain courage, strength and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    Finding my passion made me fat.

    Not fat in an “I have to wear a Homer Simpson Mumu” kind of way, but in an “I eat cookies and chocolate all the time and I’m not sure what happened to my muscle. Oh, and these pants, they don’t really fit anymore” kind of way.

    I always was a stress-eater. Not early in my life, but as soon as I arrived, confused and distracted, into the world of corporate America.

    I ended up being a consultant after merrily traveling the world and earning an international Masters Degree. But, tired of being poor and rained on (I lived in Belgium for awhile), I headed back to the East Coast and into an office. That’s when the stress eating started. And it stayed with me for years.

    I managed, through a lack of grocery shopping and the occasional bad break-up, to control my weight despite a ready influx of cookies and cupcakes that always seemed to find me. But I thought to myself, “Okay, I’m eating like this because I’m unhappy and bored at work. As soon as I find my passion, I’ll be really svelte and trim. No worries.”

    I spent years on the quest to figure it all out, dreaming about finding a career that required wearing a tiara and spending time at the pool, and complaining about how I’d be stuck in my day job forever.

    Finally, I really did start to find my way. I thought about a few career fields that fit with my interest in helping people with their careers, and explored them. After attending a weekend on coaching, I was hooked. I knew career coaching in some form was my destination; I just had to get there.

    So, I got certified as a coach.

    I set up a website.

    And, I finally quit my job.

    And that’s when the stress eating really happened. Terrified about being without benefits, a steady paycheck, and a pretty fancy title for the first time in a long time, I panicked. Hard.

    Cookies and ice cream and chocolate couldn’t do enough for me. They filled a void that I hadn’t even seen coming. And I ate. And ate. And then took naps because my blood sugar was out of control.

    I was locked in a crazy cycle of eating, sleeping, and worrying—and I was terrified. I had found my passion after all, right? How could I be feeling worse than I did when I was consulting?

    Every time I felt afraid, I ate.

    And then I realized: every time I felt afraid…I ate.

    I was literally eating my fear.

    And that’s when I took myself out for a walk. Sitting and worrying and staying in my head was doing nothing for me. I had to try something else. Walking seemed as good an idea as any.

    As I walked, I asked my heart this question: “Is this the right path for me?”

    And then I kept walking, took deep breaths, focused inward on my heart, and listened.

    As much as I was hoping for a “Yes! And here are three things to do right now to feel better,” what I got instead was a feeling of peace and certainty.

    I was on the right path; I just had to put down the cookie and feel my fear instead of eating it.

    I went back home and thought about all of the things I wanted to do with my life, even though they felt terrifying. Things like moving to a place on the ocean, traveling more, and only working with individuals and not companies.

    I put together a list of everything I thought I should do, even though I felt weighed down by these ideas. Things like buying a home in my current location, working for anyone who would pay me, and traveling less and saving money.

    Then I threw away that second list. I was determined to live life on my own terms, no matter how scary.

    And I’ve never looked back.

    So now it’s a few years later, and I did move from DC to San Francisco, I only work with cool people instead of big companies, and I’m kind of excited for my next trip… to Oregon. I know, nearby, but I’ve never been!

    For me, the worst thing about finding my passion was the fear. The best thing about finding my passion was facing down my fears and embracing what I really want.

    I still feel them, but they have less power over me now, and I don’t think I’d have the kind of success I do now without having taken a leap of faith and truly listened to my heart.

    Struggling with fears around your passion? Here’s how to stop.

    1. Get your body involved.

    Go and do something that relaxes you and brings you some peace. Walking, yoga, crafts, fishing, sitting in the sun—do whatever you love to do. It’s time to get out of your head so you can hear what’s inside your heart.

    2. As you do it, ask your heart: Is my passion the right path for me?

    Take a few breaths, and focus inward. See what you feel in your heart.

    3. Write it out.

    Go home, and make a list of everything you want to do related to your passion, no matter how scary, and why it’s important to you. Now make a list of everything you think you should do instead. Throw the second list away.

    4. Remember that feeling in your heart, and pick one thing on your list of wants.

    Now plan how you will do it. You only need to take one step to start the journey, and with every step you take the less afraid you will be. You can do this!

    Reach for the stars image via Shutterstock

  • That Horrible Job You Hate Might Just Change Your Life

    That Horrible Job You Hate Might Just Change Your Life

    “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” ~Ralph Marston

    Before I started my business, I spent three years at an ad agency and a little over a year at an international furnishings retailer. I also waitressed, wrote freelance articles, designed and developed a church website, and worked in an incredibly boring mailroom.

    Some of those jobs (let’s be honest, most of those jobs) totally sucked.

    In the mailroom, my boss was a sexist jerk with a Napoleon Complex.

    In waitressing, I spent too much of my time being other people’s emotional punching bag.

    And at the ad agency—the most relevant, fun, and useful of my full-time jobs—I worked myself half to death, burning out around the three-year mark and seriously contemplating a simple life spent working at Starbucks and never taking my work home with me.

    Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I would walk around the block and cry my eyes out because I was so exhausted. So you won’t be surprised when I say that I don’t look back on any of those jobs and want to relive them. I don’t think back on them and feel nostalgic.

    And if you told me that you hated your job or even that you loved your job but you’d burned yourself completely out, I’d say, “I hear that, sister!” And then I’d help you come up with a practical plan for quitting and doing something truly spectacular.

    That said, it’s only now that I’m truly working toward what I want, doing the things that inspire me, that I can look back and realize that every single job I had, with every good, bad, and ugly thing about it, led me perfectly to the place I am today.

    Waitressing taught me patience. It taught me how to work with people (even entitled, difficult, or angry people). It taught me not to take everything so damn personally.

    At the furnishings retailer, I learned about account management, event planning, eStore management, and editing content across multiple countries and cultures.

    At the ad agency, I learned how to run my own business.

    I sat with the accountant while she explained how she balanced the books. I worked alongside the designers and developers and learned to speak their language and respect their work. I wrote and strategized content for every format you can imagine. I managed client projects. I flew across the country to present on social media in front of hundreds.

    I also learned the art of the short sentence, the closely edited article. I worked closely with the Creative Director on brand slogans and ad concepts for big brands. And I learned how to sell. Sell my ideas. Sell our services. Sell my expertise.

    I learned that when you’re constantly selling yourself, you start to believe in yourself more.

    In other words, all the tools that made my first business successful were things I learned on the job at jobs that weren’t my dream.

    All the skills I’m using now as a full-time travel writer—my long-time dream job—come from a history of difficult, sometimes heartbreaking work.

    Which is why today I wanted to offer up a little encouragement:

    If you’re in a totally sucky job you hate or even a job that you kinda love but that is zapping your energy and killing your creativity…

    It’s okay.

    Because you never know how those skills you’re developing now might just set you up for future success.

    So, while you’re in that not-so-ideal job, learn as much as you can. Hone your skills. Connect with your colleagues. Go for that award. Volunteer for a task you want to learn more about.

    And in the meantime start looking for or planning for the thing you really want. That job at a company you admire. That career as a freelance creative type. That business idea that’s been coming up over and over again.

    Make a change. Do what you love.

    But also take advantage of what you can now. And remember that you can’t know just how much that job is doing for you until you’ve left it in the dust. The things you do today can change everything…even if you can’t see it yet.

  • 7 Simple (and Surprising) Tips to Help You Realize Your Dreams

    7 Simple (and Surprising) Tips to Help You Realize Your Dreams

    Kid trying to catch a star with a butterfly net. Digital watercolor.

    “Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” ~Unknown

    It’s tricky sometimes, isn’t it?

    Trying to find our place on this planet.

    Tapping into our inner desires.

    Sometimes we know what we want but not how to get there. Sometimes we know “this isn’t me,” but we have no clue who “me” is. And sometimes we think we’re already there, then something out of the ordinary happens and we realize, this isn’t me at all.

    At each stage there are pitfalls than can keep us looking in the wrong direction, stuck in fear, or stressed about how to move forward.

    I know, I’ve been back and forth through all of them.

    At twenty-five I had a postgraduate science degree and no wish to use it. At thirty-five I wanted to teach, write, and paint, but no idea what form this would take. And at forty-one, my work is read by thousands and every day I receive emails telling me what I do makes a difference.

    (Keeping it real: People also email me and tell me I suck.)

    Through it all, I’ve learned simple laws to help navigate the ups and downs of discovering and following your dreams.

    1. Don’t think about “your path in life.”

    Sounds contrary, doesn’t it?

    Because isn’t that exactly what we should be thinking about?

    Yes, and no.

    Where it can be detrimental is when we stand at the precipice of making a decision and we worry, “Is this my path in life?”

    A path is a track laid down to walk on. A path implies there’s only one way, a preconceived singular course. It implies that you can make a wrong decision.

    Watch it! Don’t step off the path!

    Yes, our life is wonderfully, marvelously one of a kind. No doubt. And trying to make it look like someone else’s is a first class ticket to unsatisfied-ville. But thinking about our path, now, can put unnecessary pressure on us. It makes us feel nervous.

    There are infinite routes to a satisfying, uplifting, life. Whatever decision you make—and have made before—you’re on the right path. It’s all “the path.”

    2. Forget everything your guidance counselor said.

    Do you remember after high school, tossing around a hodge-podge of career options—trying to decide what to do with your life?

    Should you become a podiatrist (have your own clinic), or an actuary (pays well)?

    You talk to other podiatrists. You find out what an actuary actually does.

    You listen to your parents. You seek advice.

    We live in a world saturated with messages about what we should do. There’s nothing wrong with advice. Sometimes. In moderation. You just gotta push it through your “no one but me knows my dreams and desires” filter.

    It’s not that our guidance counselor/parents/spouse/bus-driver don’t mean well. They do. They just don’t know. They can’t.

    And we might not know either, at first anyway.

    Whatever we hanker for, this gives us the greatest joy. And it’s often not some grand thing—that’s our mind (ego) imposing society’s rules.

    I knew a woman once whose three greatest loves were her children, fishing, and next to that, working on an assembly line—she loved the camaraderie and seeing things get done.

    3. Ask this simple question.

    When I was young, if you’d asked me what job I’d like, assuming I had all the skills necessary, I’d have thought it was a trick question. I thought everyone wanted this.

    I wanted to be a writer and painter.

    If only I had been given those talents! And I surely hadn’t. (Can’t draw, painting even more tragic, messy handwriting.)

    I trained in nutrition science. I was even fairly good at it. But I don’t believe it’s what I’m here to do.

    Pay attention to your desires, even when—no, especially when—they seem ludicrous. Roll the idea around in the back of your mind. 

    What life would you choose if you could wave a wand and have every skill that you needed?

    No pressure. Just notice.

    4. Stop worrying about how to get there—or if “there” is even a good idea.

    Human beings are wired for safety. This is why we want our trajectory mapped out.

    An illusion for sure.

    To get to where we really want to go, there is no pre-drawn map. The good news is that we don’t need one! All we need is the next step. And we always know this.

    For instance, say you have the feeling that you’d like to make shoes. Rather than worry about the fact that almost no-one makes shoes by hand anymore, consider, what do you feel moved to do, right now?

    Maybe it’s a simple as ordering a copy of How to Make a Shoe. Or arranging to meet a friend of a friend who’s a clothes designer.

    Big changes come from a series of incremental decisions. Trust that there is a wise hand guiding you (because there is). Take notice of seemingly small inclinations.

    Sure the shoe thing seems far out, but so would most successful ventures when they started.

    5. Learn the difference between an inner desire and unhelpful mind talk.

    Most of us know the value in listening to our intuition. But it’s confusing sometimes.

    Is the voice telling us to buy snowshoes—even though we live in Texas—our intuition? Or is it our mind (ego) fooling with us.

    Here’s how I tell:

    My mind uses logic and likes to copy others. It sounds like: “Bill moved to Italy and now his life is awesome, so I should go.”

    When my heart (intuition) speaks, it’s more like a deep feeling. I can see myself wandering around Rome, eating pizza.

    (Then, what usually happens is that my mind comes up with reasons not to do it—”You’re gluten free, you’ll starve in Italy.”)

    As author Chetan Parkyn says, some people are guided by strong gut feelings that hold true from start to finish. For others, their gut feeling is less sure, and where they find clarity is by taking a tentative step, then reassessing.

    If you’re not sure, dip your toe in. See how it feels.

    6. Be happily confused!

    What if (after everything) we can’t feel the tug of our inner desires? Or, we’re uncertain about the next step?

    Answer: Don’t worry.

    Don’t worry, because the only way to get where we’re going is through uncertainty (and sometimes turmoil). Feeling discombobulated is part of it.

    It’s not a bad thing. Rejoice!

    You’re on your way!

    You might be drawn to actively search for an answer. Or maybe you feel like sitting back and giving it some time. Or a combination.

    Go easy on yourself. Be lazy. Have fun. Try things. Spend time just sitting and being quiet. Spend less time online. Take a job and don’t worry about how it fits into your plans.

    Allow yourself to be in a state of confusion. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s perfectly normal.

    7. Expect to feel afraid.

    Making a lunge for what’s important to us is scary.

    Always is.

    Every time I’ve followed what was in my heart, most people thought I was loopy. But you know what? The voice of derision you most need to watch out for is your own.

    I’ve found these things helpful:

    • Mentoring
    • Not telling people what I’m doing—I didn’t tell anyone about my blog for six months.
    • Reading books like The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield
    • Reading books about others who followed their dreams (or blogs like Tiny Buddha)

    Finding our way is as much about getting out of our own way. Letting go of ideals that have been imposed on us. Taking leaps. Stumbling and getting up. Trusting our inner guidance.

    And remembering, always, we’re doing fine. Even when it seems like we’re making a mess of it. We’re not.

    Photo by Ingo Schmeritschnig

  • Why I Don’t Need Success and Validation to Be Happy

    Why I Don’t Need Success and Validation to Be Happy

    “The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.”~ Sonya Friedman

    Five years ago I was driven, determined, and thriving. I was in the middle of a career in financial services that had started in sales, led to management, and, at that point, had me pushing myself and competing as a director in the retail banking business.

    I was proud of what I had achieved and what I intended to achieve. I had the trappings of success as I saw them—the house, the car, the salary, and job title that reflected my level of achievement—and I had a huge and very sensitive ego to accompany all of this.

    When I refer to my ego, I really mean that my self-esteem was dependent upon my accomplishments. I perceived that the external and visual signs of success were directly linked to the person I was inside.

    Then, one day, I heard voice saying, “You must leave, you have to get out of this place…”

    Before you imagine that I was hearing things, I’ll add that this was my boss. He was telling me that the company was in a “change process” and I was one of the casualties. At that moment I saw my career leave the room, out the window, with my self-esteem jumping after it.

    Over the weeks that followed, my family and friends, seeing my distress, sought to comfort me with words similar to “Don’t worry, we still love you whether you are refuse collector or a chief executive.”

    While I smiled at these words, my internal dialogue was something different. It went something like: “It doesn’t matter what you think of me. I won’t love myself unless I show how successful I can be.”

    At that time I did not know how true that statement was. I also did not realize that this was both my greatest motivator and, at the same time, the greatest barrier to long-term happiness.

    My Awakening

    Over the years I had been interested in my personal development and had read quite widely. I often came across the concept of loving myself and dismissed it as fluffy, ephemeral, and completely non-masculine.

    Then I started to read about my emotional needs, the needs that I expect the rest of the world to meet in order for me to be happy, such as my need to be loved, respected, validated, and listened to.

    As I reflected, I realized that I used a lot of “needy” behavior in order to manipulate the environment to meet my needs. I would act the victim and the martyr on social media in order to get sympathy and attention. I would over assert myself (aggressively) in order to be respected.

    I would outperform other directors in order to get the validation and appreciation from my boss and peers that I desperately needed. I would tell my wife I love her in order to get the response “I love you, too.”

    I had been relying on everyone else and making it their responsibility to make me happy. If they responded to my hints and nudges, then I was happy and they topped up my self-esteem.

    “What’s the problem?” I hear you ask. “People meet your needs, you feel good, problem solved.”

    Here’s the issue: unhealthy self-esteem is like a monster that grows the more you feed it.

    A four-bedroom detached house with a double garage, once achieved, becomes too small, and you need a five-bed with a pool. Job title inflation becomes the norm, and you must upgrade the ultimate status symbol, the car, as often as possible.

    Soon, I get to the point where telling me you love me is not enough. You have to prove it, and guess what? The more you prove it, the more you have to. Every effort, thought, and gift has to be better than the last one; otherwise, you obviously don’t care.

    Those of you imagining this is a caricature, please examine your own behavior. What little tactics and strategies do you use to get the attention you crave? How do you manipulate your environment to get your needs met?

    So what changed for me?

    I slowly started to take responsibility for my happiness and meeting my own needs. I started to like myself and moved on to respecting myself, and I eventually lost my reliance upon others for validation.

    As I started this slow transformation, a funny conundrum revealed itself to me. When I used to demand respect, validation, and love, I never got enough of them. As I started to respect myself, I found others respected me more, and now I have an abundance of respect, love, and validation.

    Does that sound smug?

    I hope not. By taking responsibility for my needs, I am now able to have healthy, giving relationships that are not based upon giving in order to receive. By having a healthy relationship with myself, I have healthy relationships with others.

    Start with You

    It started for me with a seismic shock wave that rocked my world. It does not have to happen like that.

    Start by raising your awareness.

    Observe the needy, manipulative behaviors in others; it’s easier that way. Then start to notice them in yourself and identify what need you’re trying to get others to meet for you.

    From there, ask yourself: What does it really mean to like and respect myself?

    For me, this means that I make myself a priority, give myself the time I need for my interests, and set clear boundaries around my work and life.

    Next, close your eyes and ask yourself: How would that look? How would that feel? What would I see myself doing and hear myself saying?

    I can see myself setting clear space in my diary and feeling in control, and taking clear steps to make space for family time. I can hear myself saying, “Thanks for the offer, but I have other commitments that day. I can offer you two other alternatives.”

    Finally, ask yourself: What small steps could I take now to start this process?

    My first small step was to set time aside to make sure I was not overcommitted and my time was protected.

    I started this post by sharing that I was successful. This may imply that I no longer am.

    My measurements of success may have changed a little, but I am comfortable with that.

    I am not worried about job titles, and I prefer to measure success by the impact my work has. I drive a twelve-year-old car because I like it. When I tell my wife I love her, it’s because I do and she deserves to hear that.

    In case you are reading this and wondering if meeting my own needs makes me less ambitious, absolutely not. I have great ambitions and plans. Whether those ambitions and plans are successful or not will not be a factor in my happiness.

    To put it another way, I am happy and will be so whether or not I realize my plans and aspirations.

  • Let Go of “I Can’t…” and Go After What You Want

    Let Go of “I Can’t…” and Go After What You Want

    Happy and Free

    “It always seems impossible until it’s done.” ~Nelson Mandela

    Do you wish your circumstances in life were different? Have you reconciled yourself to accept that you can’t achieve your goals? Do you think it would be nice to travel, but you don’t think you can afford it?

    It’s time to change your mindset and learn how to take control of your own life.

    Think Like a Child

    Children don’t like to accept “no” for an answer. They question every refusal. “But why not?” they ask.

    “Because we can’t afford it” is not an acceptable answer to a child. That has no real meaning to him.

    A couple of years ago, my son set his heart on a gaming computer. That’s a souped-up, fancy, faster, better, very expensive desktop PC. The price on these things start at over $1,000.

    I explained it was out of the question, not in the realm of possibility for us at my income level. But he wouldn’t let it go. He wouldn’t accept that we couldn’t afford one. He had to find a way. He kept coming up with ideas and “what ifs.”

    What if his grandparents and everyone we know who buys him birthday and Christmas presents put all their money together to buy the gaming computer?

    Well, that still wouldn’t be enough money, but the more intelligent his suggestions became, the more I started to take them seriously. Maybe he’s onto something here. We sat down to brainstorm and write down ideas of how we could actually make this happen.

    And we did make it happen! We asked my ex if he would contribute to the new computer, and he agreed to help. My son asked for cash only from family members for his birthday and Christmas. The ex found a friend who could build a computer for our son, and we ordered the parts from Amazon.

    We ended up getting a sleek and beautiful, powerful gaming computer worth about $1,500, but it only cost me $400.

    A few months later, my daughter shared her monumental dream of going to Paris. Having just learned the above lesson from my son, I refrained from saying, “No possible way! We can’t afford it.”

    Instead of dismissing the idea as unrealistic or out of the question, I thought about it seriously and came up with a plan to save from my tax refund over the next several years. My daughter will be asking grandparents for cash gifts for her coming birthdays during that time span as well.

    We began this plan right after she turned thirteen, and our goal is to visit Paris by the time she is seventeen.

    Develop a Plan 

    What do you want out of life? Is there something you want to achieve that you think is out of your reach?

    First, change your mindset. Instead of dismissing your dream as unrealistic or too big, ask yourself what it would take to accomplish it. Don’t dismiss your dreams; think how you can make them happen!

    Brainstorm with friends or family. Sometimes they will have different ideas you may not have thought of. Anyone who is not helpful or tries to tell you that you can’t achieve your goal does not get to play!

    Develop a plan for achieving what you want in small, do-able steps. Make each step relatively easy to accomplish so you achieve success right away. That feeling of success in achieving each goal will motivate you to reach the next one.

    Too often, people fail in achieving their goals simply because they don’t develop a do-able plan like this to help them succeed.

    Do you want to earn a degree, lose twenty pounds, move to a nicer place, or organize your house? Develop your plan to begin your process of getting there!

    For example, instead of the vague idea of losing twenty pounds, come up with a plan to set several smaller steps that you can reach easily.

    You could start with the first step something like committing to exercise for twenty minutes while watching your favorite TV shows only three days a week. Or walk the dog ten minutes longer each day. Something that makes sense for you with your own lifestyle that will be easy for you to succeed.

    Then when you get that step down, go to your next step which could be eating a healthy salad for lunch three days a week or drink a glass of water before each meal or whatever you know will work for you to accomplish another step closer toward your ultimate goal.

    You will stay motivated as you achieve each step, and the process will be much more painless than attempting a strict diet or exercise regimen all at once.

    When New Year’s resolutions fail, it is usually because a whole lifestyle change is much more difficult to stick to than one easy positive change at a time. Be patient. Those small positive changes will lead you to achieve big goals!

    In the scenario of organizing the house, increase your chance of success by developing your plan of small, do-able steps, and then accomplish the first one. You could start with a hall closet one weekend. Your child’s left-side dresser drawers. A section of the garage.

    As you mark off each small goal successfully accomplished, you move closer toward your ultimate goal of the whole house. You’ll be much more likely to keep motivated because you will not feel too overwhelmed with those small tasks you can accomplish quickly.

    After you develop your plan and divide your goal into small, do-able steps, take that first step. Now you’ve actually started! Reach your first easy goal, and then ride on that feeling of success to accomplish the next one. You’re unstoppable! Be patient and persevere. You’ll get where you want to be!

    What dream can you make your reality by developing your plan to make it happen?

    Photo by Kara Harms

  • 4 Things to Do When You’re Struggling with Your Dreams

    4 Things to Do When You’re Struggling with Your Dreams

    Man Thinking

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    Three years ago I was in the stressful process of applying to colleges. I had my heart set on this one particular school that, apart from being difficult to get into, was perfect.

    I imagined myself wearing the uniform and feeling a sense of accomplishment. I’d finally be able to prove to people that I was clever and worthy of going to this amazing school.

    A few weeks later I got a letter from the school. I remember getting excited and grinning like a maniac—until I opened it. The school had declined me because my predicated grades were not good enough, while the rest of my classmates had been accepted or put on the waiting list.

    I don’t think I’ve ever cried as hard as I did that evening. I’d pinned so much hope on going to this perfect school that the sudden and final rejection hit me pretty hard.

    I lost faith in my academic ability. My best wasn’t good enough; I wasn’t good enough.

    The thought of telling my friends filled me with dread. Even though I was proud of them for getting in or on the waiting list, every time they mentioned going, I had to pretend that it didn’t bring back the feelings of shame and disappointment.

    My exams approached, and even though I was absorbed in my revision, the news that on results day I could reapply if my grades were high enough gave me something to hope for, another chance to prove myself.

    Results day arrived and my grades were high enough, so off I went to the school with my friend.

    We received forms to choose our subjects. I just checked the ones that still had spaces left; that’s how desperate I was to go to this school. What was I, an aspiring film director, doing applying to study chemistry, math, and business?

    In the end I still didn’t get a place, but no tears this time. The six-month ordeal had finally come to an end.

    Here are four amazing things I’m thankful to have learned about going after the things you want.

    1. Check your ego.

    Is what you’re going after really what you want? Are you going after it for yourself or for other people? How will you feel when you do (or don’t) achieve it?

    As much as I hate to admit it, the reason I was so intent on getting into that school was to prove to the people around me that I was smart enough to get in. I’d spent most of my secondary school life feeling as though others didn’t take me seriously academically because I was a bit of a class clown.

    My ego was ready to have me study subjects that didn’t interest me. I’m sure the initial high would’ve worn off pretty quickly upon realizing that I was stuck with them for two years, and if I didn’t do well it would have affected my university application.

    Make sure that your goals are yours. Don’t follow the crowd and don’t feel the need to prove yourself to people who make you feel inadequate, because chances are that you’ll always have “just one more thing” to prove to them.

    I think we often get so caught up in the race against others that we forget why we’re running it in the first place.

    2. Persevere until the end.

    If you want to accomplish something, you have to give it everything you’ve got.

    Although I wasn’t persevering for the right reasons, I did absolutely everything I could to get into the school. I went to every single one of my teachers and asked them for my predicated grades. I sent an appeal letter to my local council, and as I mentioned, I made one final attempt on results day.

    So despite being unsuccessful, when it was over I was able to accept it because there was absolutely nothing else I could have done. If you know in your heart that you did everything you could and you still didn’t succeed, you have no reason to feel bad. You can hold your head up high and say, “I gave it my best shot.”

    3. Embrace failure.

    When you’re going after a big dream, the road will never be perfect. You will fall down and it won’t be pleasant, but don’t let that stop you from going after what you want.

    Often people worry about others laughing at them if they fail, and so they never attempt anything that they aren’t guaranteed to succeed at. But remember, nothing great comes from staying inside your comfort bubble and playing it safe.

    If you want to achieve something you never have, you have to do things you’ve never done.

    The next time you’re stressed because you might fail, imagine what you could learn from your failures. Think of someone you know who is successful. They failed at one point, but you don’t remember them for that because their attempt didn’t end when they failed; it ended when they succeeded.

    4. Explore your options.

    There‘s more than one way to reach your goal. If you’re not succeeding, try another way. Initially, I refused to allow myself to believe that I could do well at my second choice of school because I was too caught up in the perfect idea of the first choice. It wasn’t until I actually got there that I realized how great it was.

    Don’t turn down opportunities because they’re not what you were expecting or because you think you’re above them. You never know where they could lead. Embrace the opportunities that come your way and enjoy your journey to success.

    Photo by Will Foster

  • When You’re Anxious to Finish: Being Patient with Your Passions

    When You’re Anxious to Finish: Being Patient with Your Passions

    Man and Mountain

    “Patience is passion tamed.”~Lyman Abbott

    It was 2:13am. My skin stuck to the bed sheets as I realized I was lying awake, listening to my belabored heartbeat. This was the first physical anxiety attack I had ever experienced—one that I hope won’t be repeated. And it happened only two nights ago.

    Apparently, the past two years have been more intense than I realized. It’s quite obvious, really, when you see that I’ve failed to write much, for Tiny Buddha or my own blog, in that time.

    I wish I could say that I’ve been too busy accomplishing goals, or have taken the years to learn new skills, but I’m afraid all these symptoms stem from a rather incurable demon. I’m writing, of course, about impatience and its power to delay.

    Impatience is invisible in that it can easily be misinterpreted as ambition, which creates an even greater problem.

    Where, on one hand, I may be more driven to take on more projects, on the other, I am led to a mess wherein very little gets done. Sure, I may have many things that I am passionate about, but this zeal is what in turn creates a false ambition, an impatience to do simply much more than I can handle.

    But what is impatience; or rather, what is patience?

    I’ve always liked the idea that the sense of urgency was passion in action—that it was a good practice to urge myself to write an essay, hustle in freelance video editing, or go off and create my own indie game in an attempt to join a new dimension of storytelling.

    So patience, then, isn’t a matter of doing less but rather the mastery of juggling, right?

    Well, after trying to calm myself in a physical fit of impatience boiled over, I’ve begun to think otherwise.

    Lately, I’ve been listening a lot to Alan Watts’ recorded lectures from his teaching years while based out of San Francisco.

    He spoke a great deal about eastern spirituality, Buddhism, contemporary mysticism, and all those curious, philosophical nonsensities that usually weird out those unfamiliar with the subject matter.

    But what really strikes me is his take on controlled anarchy—the biological organism in which the parts harmoniously create the sum with no boss in charge.

    For instance, in sculpting, it is often understood that the artist imposes his will upon the clay, thus the art of making a sculpture is simply the mastery of manipulation. But, as Watts was found to point out, the most beautiful art comes from the chaos of life itself.

    In fact, there was one such occasion documented publicly in the form of a sculpting contest that Watts mentioned in several of his lectures.

    The contest didn’t award the first prize to the sculpture that was most masterfully willed out of the clay by its creator. First place went to a young woman who took the clay, smashed it on the floor, and kicked it around until she realized what it was “trying to be,” afterward, simply carving out the pieces that she thought weren’t supposed to be there.

    This, in turn, created a wonderfully random, and thus beautiful, piece of modern art. So it is with the rest of life; after all, did you plan on growing your beautiful eyes, or did it just happen?

    Passion, then, is the artistic beast within us all, vying to get into the world in sheer, ferocious eagerness. Patience is the way to let it out calmly and in great mastery.

    If you draw, do you draw the whole drawing at once? If you sing, do you sing all the notes in one breath? And if you dance, do you perform all the steps in one beat?

    Of course not. You let it out one bit at a time.

    So how can one be a patient master of their zealous passions? When faced with impatience, there is only one thing to do: allow it.

    If we remain patient with impatience, we’ll find ourselves in that calm space where amazingly creative things can happen, just like that young woman who sculpted her clay into what it “wanted to be.”

    Ralph Steadman isn’t able to create his popularized depictions of grotesque or bizarre ink drawings when he’s so adamantly trying to come up with his next piece. It is only after he splatters ink for some time that he realizes what is coming forth from the blots, and then he applies the finishing touches.

    This is the greatest level of mastery to reach in our lives, this art of patience. I know more and more each day that I will achieve my goals in due time, and that to push myself may not always be the best way to remain productively creative.

    Pushing yourself can be hard on both the mind and body and will only lead to the opposite effect of urgent production—anxiety-ridden self-destruction.

    I like to relate patience to the stability of a mountain. A mountain does not strain itself to keep from crumbling to the ground; it just happens that it does not fall and thus makes a mountain.

    We are like mountains. Our hearts beat, our cells fade and regrow, and our minds create tides of thoughts and hopes and dreams. But, like a mountain, we happen all at once without our conscious minds telling us to act.

    I mean, is it you who tells your heart, “Beat, beat, beat, or else we’ll die!” Of course not. It just happens. And so it is when you find yourself trying to beat impatience out of your mind that you’ll only grow more impatient.

    Thus, be like mountains, not like your conscious and incessant flow of thoughts and anxieties. Let them go. And before you take another step toward anything, just breathe and let your next action happen as naturally as your breath.

    As I said earlier, impatience is invisible in its cleverness to disguise and deceive, but this is only because we believe we can impose our wills directly upon the world. That’s a stressful way to attempt to work toward our goals.

    If we keep the goal in the back of our mind and focus on the step in front of us, the rest will flow like a river.

    Mastery, then, is the effortless patience that pulls passion into the world naturally like rain falling from a thundercloud. All we need to do is stop fighting ourselves and let it happen.

    Photo by Moyan Brenn

  • How to Reach Your Goals Faster: A Simple Technique to Try Today

    How to Reach Your Goals Faster: A Simple Technique to Try Today

    “Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and focus on what could go right.” ~Unknown

    I used to think that getting to a goal only required tangible action. It was a simple equation:

    • Study hard in high school = getting admission to a good university.
    • Or, diet + exercise = losing weight.

    Yet, life is not always that straightforward. It’s not always just about physical action.

    Just a few years ago, when I was building my first business, there was something getting in my way, something that had nothing to do with the physical action I took. It was worry.

    Building a business has the magical ability to bring any type of fear out in the open. Unexpectedly, I found myself thinking:

    • What if it doesn’t work?
    • What if my friends think I’m crazy?
    • What if it takes forever to get somewhere?
    • Why am I doing this?

    It wasn’t long before I realized that these types of thoughts were interfering with my progress. The more I focused on them, the less physical action I took for my business, and the more likely I was to feel burnt out.

    Most importantly, the more I worried, the more likely I was to take the wrong physical action, the action that would count more as “busywork” rather than “effective work.”

    I knew I had to find a solution out of this. Ugh. “If I were a robot, then I wouldn’t have any of these problems!” I thought.

    Think about it: If we were robots, then these simple physical action equations would actually work. We would wake up in the morning, do our thing, stick to our schedule, and lo and behold, our dreams would materialize. No struggle, no “I don’t feel like doing it,” no distractions, no “What if it doesn’t work?”

    If we were robots, then our productivity would be close to 100%, and we would achieve our dreams two times, four times, maybe even ten times faster! Plus, we would get there without struggle. Aahh, that sounds so nice.

    I realized that physical action was no longer enough. We also need to be in the right state of mind—let me say, the “robot” state of mind.

    If we only take physical action, then we’ll only be working harder for nothing. For example, if you want a promotion, you don’t to only work harder; you also need to communicate your accomplishments so that others know how valuable your contributions are.

    However, if you’re afraid to stand up for yourself, then you’ll be left feeling unappreciated and undervalued.

    So to get the promotion, yes, you need to work harder, but you also need to overcome your fear of standing up for yourself. If you only work harder, then despite your hard work, you’ll still not get the promotion.

    So the winning equation is: Work harder + develop ability to stand up for yourself = promotion.

    If you think like a robot, then you’ll stand up for yourself in full confidence. No problem! If you don’t think like a robot, then all sorts of second-guessing glitches may come up.

    But let me clarify: By robot, I’m not referring to deactivating our feelings. Au contraire! We need feelings to march forward. We need excitement and optimism. We even need worry sometimes. What we don’t need though is excessive worry.

    Worrying about an issue for five minutes and then doing something to solve it isn’t excessive worrying. When we worry about things we can’t control, ask “What if this and that?” and second-guess ourselves, we just get in our own way.

    But how do you worry less? How do you turn self-doubt? How do you think more like robot? The answer lies in this Master Technique.

    Here’s what happens when you don’t think like a robot:

    Say you want to get leaner and fitter. You go to a yoga class where everyone is doing better than you.

    You start thinking, “I’m so unfit, I will never become as good as they are.”

    After an hour of berating yourself about not being fit already, you leave the class feeling exhausted, intending to never go back.

    Your mind is stopping you from getting to your fitter and leaner dreams.

    Now here’s how you’ll get yourself back to thinking like a robot, if only you use this Master Technique.

    Use “The BUT Technique” to Reach Your Goals Faster

    With “The But Technique,” you don’t let destructive thoughts stop you.

    How much time are you already spending judging yourself or worrying?

    Two hours every day? Maybe 50% of your workday and 80% of your free time?

    Once you start practicing this technique, you’ll instead spend this time on things that actually make you productive. Why?

    Because negativity, or just aimless worrying, will no longer stop you! You’ll be unleashed! A force of nature!

    How does “The BUT Technique” work?

    “I’m so unfit, I will never become as good as they are.”

    But…

    • Today I worked out more than yesterday.
    • It’s unfair to compare my own first day to other people’s 1,000th day.
    • My body no longer feels rusty, and people in the class seemed supportive, not judgmental.
    • Other people used to be in exactly the same unfit situation as mine, but they found a way to get fitter. If they did it, I should be able to do it too.
    • The walk to the yoga studio was enjoyable, as today’s sunshine was precious.
    • I’ve been in other unfavorable situations in the past, and I managed to turn them around. I should be able to do that with fitness as well.
    • Maybe this class was advanced and I should try something easier at first, so that I get to focus more on getting the poses right, and less on how clumsy I look in the mirror.

    Please notice:

    • With every new “but,” you’ll feel better and better. You’ll feel relief. The more “buts” you include, the more positive mental action you’ll take and the happier you’ll be by the end of the exercise.
    • By taking positive mental action, you’ll stop discouraging yourself from pursuing your dreams. Instead, you’ll encourage yourself to keep going. You might even make yourself feel excited about the delightful life that is in front of you! Now that’s how you become 20, 50, or 100% happier!
    • Make practicing this Master Technique a habit, and you’ll become the happiest person you know. You’ll become unstoppable!

    Why This Technique is So Powerful

    The “But” Technique doesn’t fight with your negative, discouraging thoughts. Doing so would leave you feeling worse than before. Instead, it accepts them and then it moves you forward.

    So yes you are unfit…but…but…but…but…

    And then with every “but” you feel better, until you’re able to say, “Everything is alright” and actually believe it.
    And that’s exactly how you take mental action to achieve your dreams. The more you practice it, the more you can act like a robot—in a good way! 

    I’m now using this technique almost daily. Whenever I find myself worrying about anything, I immediately pull it out of my toolbox. Yes, I worry, but, but, but…

    So now it’s your turn to practice this technique! Take any negative worrisome thought and add but, but, but. Let me know how it works!

  • How to Be Okay When You Have More Questions Than Answers

    How to Be Okay When You Have More Questions Than Answers

    Orange Sky

    “Sometimes questions are more important than answers.” ~Nancy Willard

    I love the color orange. It makes me think of a beautiful ripe papaya, the calming shade of a monk’s robe, and the tapered candles my grandfather held in his hands to pray.

    I don’t know if it’s simply this or the prayer chants that rose from temples along the rural Lao countryside, but when I think on these things from my childhood, I feel peace.

    Do we romanticize our past? Do we sandpaper out the rough, dark spaces in our memories and label them “the good ‘ole days?” Is that why there is so much longing for simpler times, because our present is too overwhelming and difficult, and the future is uncertain and frightening?

    Perhaps there is some truth to that. If I were to look deeper, I’d realize that not all of my childhood memories were the stuff of children’s story books.

    Orange was also the color that lit up the night sky when B-52’s were dropping bombs over my childhood country. One minute, I found myself admiring fireworks from an outdoor stairway (typical of Lao homes built on poles), and the next moment, I was flung to the ground.

    Someone—a stranger with no thought for his own safety—snatched me from that stairway in the nick of time. When the bombing ceased, we found the stairs and half of the house completely obliterated.

    The house had belonged to my mother’s friend, who sat kneeling on the ground crying. She wasn’t crying because her house went up in flames. She was crying because after being separated from her small children, they were now running toward the safety of her arms.

    After my own mother found me, only then did the stranger who had been protecting me finally let go of my hand. In my confusion, I didn’t remember his name. And now, even the memory of his face is fading.

    But the stranger left an unmistakable legacy. He not only saved a child’s life but also left her spirit intact.

    While there was crying all around me, I stared calmly out at the scene of destruction and could only summon up one overriding emotion: invincibility. I escaped death! From this day forward, I told myself, nothing will ever make me afraid again.

    But memories have a way of dimming over time, don’t they?

    We raced through our pubescent and teen years to become adults. We took adulthood to mean freedom, adventure, and ultimately, reaching the summit of our dreams. We readily followed a prescriptive path. Yet, upon arriving, we learned that the reality was far from the reality we imagined.

    We worship productivity and the pursuit of more. To want anything less would turn us into slackers. It goes against the grain of our culture.

    To want anything different, we would be swimming upstream. We would be alone. And who wants to be alone? As humans, we learned to survive by getting along with others.

    It’s as if we are demonized by our ambitions. We feel the constant need for striving. The call to do more and be more. That we can never be enough. That we can never sit still. We feel compelled to move because if we don’t, we think that we’ll get run over. Then we feel reduced, insignificant.

    We stitch ourselves up every morning, create routines to prop us up, hide behind our busyness. We can’t think on our interior life too much because the act of doing so will force us to become undone.

    So we go searching for answers outside of ourselves. We go on spiritual retreats. We take expensive vacations. But we still come home to our old selves.

    But where else can we go? What else can we do?

    For starters, we shouldn’t seek to self-medicate with things that pollute our bodies, dishonor our spirit, and numb our minds. Secondly, we should not lose ourselves to work in order to shut off the questions that need asking. As Rilke sagely advised, live the questions.

    The answers lie in the questions themselves. You only need to ask the right ones.

    And while you are learning to form those very questions, I offer up these four suggestions.

    1. Allow yourself to feel uneasy.

    For something that is worth figuring out, there is no simple, prescriptive method for arriving at the answers. Yet, we demand this. Instant fixes that will take away our discomfort and pain.

    Don’t settle for Band-Aid solutions. Have confidence in your track record. If you have managed this far to stand on your own two feet, then know that the uneasiness is temporary, much like your circumstances. Remind yourself that you are an amazing human being worthy of your journey.

    2. Believe in something larger than yourself.

    It doesn’t have to be a particular faith or religion. The “something larger” is anything that expands you and gives you hope when things are at their bleakest. On days when you find absolutely no reason to get out of bed, let this one thing guide you.

    For me, it’s the vision of the life I want, the lives I want to touch, the people I want to love. For you, it may be appreciating nature, protecting wildlife, or completing that manuscript.

    3. Peel off complexity until you find the core.

    It helps to think of yourself as an onion. Keep peeling until you get at the core. This may mean ridding yourself of material things or the beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve you.

    4. Create a safe space.

    You need a place that is all your own and signifies simplicity. Go to it. Find healing there. And as the poet Rilke wisely observed, “Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

    Photo by Gabriel Rocha

  • Searching for Your Next Step: How to Deal When You’re “In Between”

    Searching for Your Next Step: How to Deal When You’re “In Between”

    Seeker

    “A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour.” ~Unknown

    After finishing my master’s degree, I felt pretty directionless. I felt like I graduated with more questions than answers, and I really didn’t know what career I wanted, or where.

    I figured I should take whatever opportunity came my way, so I accepted a low-paying teaching job in a foreign country, which didn’t work out for various reasons, and ended up leaving after only five months.

    I came back to the U.S. the day before Christmas, feeling like a total and utter failure. I was unemployed, living with my parents in a sleepy midwestern town that I had sworn never to return to, with an empty bank account and over a hundred thousand dollars of student debt staring me in the face.

    To add insult to injury, I almost immediately contracted the flu, which turned into pneumonia, and was essentially bed-ridden for almost a month.

    I felt miserable.

    What had happened to my dreams? My aspirations? My idealist musings about my dynamic, passion-filled, world-changing future career?

    I felt more confused than ever and had figured very little out, except how to screw up romantic relationships and spend all my money in the process. I had to figure out what to do next, and fast, or flounder.

    If I’ve learned anything from my encounters with Buddhism, it’s that moments like this, when it feels like the rug is being pulled our from under your feet, usually end up being the most valuable.

    It doesn’t feel very valuable when it’s happening, of course, but being shaken forces you to stop for a while and take account of what’s unshakeable. In moments of utter insecurity, you realize what is really important in your life.

    Here are my takeaways from months “in between”:

    1. Don’t panic, and breathe.

    Not having a next step can be scary. Really scary. Our culture is obsessed with progress, personal growth, and especially next steps, so not knowing where you’re going can seem overwhelming. It’s hard not to get swept up into that feeling of helplessness.

    Stop, breathe, maybe meditate for fifteen minutes, and keep going in whatever way you can.

    2. Focus on what matters to you, not other people.

    This is an important, and difficult, one. When I was first considering leaving my terrible post-grad job, I reached out to a lot of people to ask for advice. I knew that if I quit the job, it might take awhile to find another hopefully better one, and that I might experience the cold, dark grip of failure.

    Some people told me to finish out my contract, because it was safer. Others told me to do what made me happy. But ultimately, I had to sit with my anxieties and fears, dissect them, and figure out what was best for me, according to my goals.

    I had to totally let go of everyone else’s ideas of success, security, and happiness and define what those concepts meant to me.

    Did being unemployed, single, and homebound make me feel like a failure because I personally felt like a failure, or because someone else had told me once that those things = failure? Sometimes, it’s really hard to separate what really matters to you from what matters to the people around you, but it’s necessary.

    Also, the job search can be oh-so-discouraging. It can be really hard to receive mass rejection email after mass rejection email (or no email at all) and not get enormously depressed.

    Don’t take it personally. Know that you’re great, smart, and capable, and divert the energy you were going to spend weeping into writing a fantastic cover letter for your next job application.

    3. Set realistic goals and get organized.

    For a while, setting goals seemed impossible. How could I set a goal if I had no idea what I wanted out of a career? Every job description I looked at seemed unattainable, unrealistic, or unattractive to me. Goals? I couldn’t make goals! I was broke and stuck!

    In truth, I was overthinking it. I didn’t have to know exactly where I would be in five years, or one year, or even one month. Sometimes I just had to have a plan for the week, or the day, or the next hour.

    Setting small, realistic goals was key to moving forward in a productive way, and not staying paralyzed by fear and anxiety. For example, I set goals for how many jobs I would apply for in a week and how I would make enough money to get by, etc. I made spreadsheets keeping track of the jobs I applied for, as well as a strict budget.

    Having daily goals made me feel like I was accomplishing something, even if the results weren’t necessarily tangible at the time. At the end of the day, I could say, “Well, I did everything I set out to do today. Good job, me!” instead of “Ugh! I still don’t have a job! What’s wrong with me?!”

    A journey is made up of small steps. I had no idea where I would end up, but I kept moving and that saved me.

    4. Relish the journey, regardless of the destination.

    As mentioned in takeaway number one, not having a clear destination can be overwhelming, especially in a culture that is always leaning forward into the future. Perhaps the hardest part of the unemployment journey was settling in instead of looking ahead.

    Being at a crossroads is a moment of opportunity. It’s at that moment when you feel like you don’t know anything, that you truly know. You know then that all those notions you’ve had about what you need to feel happy and successful are illusions.

    I may not have had the fulfilling career, the loving partner, the adorable puppy, or the reasonable, plant-filled apartment I wanted, but I was alive! Being starved of the things that I thought were important made me take stock of all the things that really mattered and let go of the things that didn’t.

    Every day, I wake up. I have an amazing, healthy body that is capable of some really miraculous things. I have an active intellect that enjoys reading and learning and doing things. I love a lot of people and activities and have regular access to many of them. I have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, books to read, and time to exercise regularly. These are all pretty amazing things!

    Even when nothing seemed to be working in my life, there was so much that was working. This sense of having some unshakeable core to my experience made moving forward so much easier, and way less scary.

    It gave me a wealth of patience to seek out and wait for the right opportunities, and leave behind the wrong ones. It gave me the liberty to dream up new possibilities that I hadn’t thought of before instead of putting pressure on myself to adhere to old, tired ideas.

    It made me realize that being “in between” was, in a way, a blessing. I had the freedom to pursue opportunities where, when, and with whom I wanted. Settling into the journey forced me to treat myself more kindly and give myself the time and space to craft meaning in new ways.

    Feeling suffocated by the seeming lack of direction in your life? Go for a walk and feel the wind on your cheeks.

    Received another rejection letter and want to cry? Get out that new recipe you’ve been wanting to try and listen to your favorite jams while you cook.

    Need a mental health day? Take one. Read. Go to the gym. Learn something new. Meditate. Celebrate your successes, job-related or not. Because if you can find peace in the midst of what feels like a total breakdown, you can find it anywhere.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • How to Use Comparisons for Growth Instead of Feeling Inferior

    How to Use Comparisons for Growth Instead of Feeling Inferior

    Two Dancing Girls

    “The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~Jack Kornfield

    Comparison is something we all struggle with at one point or another. Although it’s something that conventional self-help wisdom urges us to avoid, it’s also a way of gauging where we fit in the world.

    Usually, when we engage in comparison, we do so from an ego-based perspective and find ourselves (or others) lacking. This approach doesn’t benefit anyone involved, but, until recently, this was my predominant experience of comparison.

    I also had the belief that healthy people don’t compare themselves to other people, so I would judge myself harshly when I noticed I was doing so.

    So I struggled, first to stop comparing myself to other people, then, as I shifted my focus to self-acceptance and self-kindness, to accept the fact that this is something I do and that judging myself for this doesn’t help.

    Are you focusing on the facts, or the meanings you attach to the facts?

    Through my experiences, I’ve realized that it’s not so much the comparison itself that is unhelpful, but how I approach it. The act of comparison isn’t the problem; it’s the meaning we attach to what we find.

    When I notice that I’m comparing myself to other people, I have a choice: do I use this comparison as a tool for positive change, or a tool for self-destruction?

    Comparison as a Tool for Growth and Inspiration

    This question came up recently when I was talking with a couple of friends about how things were going in our respective businesses. One of them shared that she had just had her best month yet and earned more than ever before. In that moment, I was simultaneously happy for her and deeply envious.

    I had been working really hard and, although I felt good about how things were going, I compared how much I was earning to how much she was earning and found myself falling seriously short.

    On an intellectual level, I rationalized that money wasn’t everything, but on an emotional level I entered a comparison-based downward spiral. I started questioning what I was doing wrong, feeling self-doubt, and digging myself into a pit that left me with a general sense that I wasn’t “enough.”

    I recognized that this wasn’t serving me and spoke to my coach about the experience. When I explained that I couldn’t even imagine making that much and that I was wondering how she had done that herself, he asked, “Did you ask her?”

    As soon as he asked the question, it seemed like such an obvious thing to do. But I hadn’t—because I had felt ashamed. In that moment, my ego-based comparison had robbed me of the opportunity to learn, to be inspired, and to grow.

    And that, I’ve realized, is the choice we face. When we compare ourselves to others, it’s usually because they have something, are doing something, or being something that we want to have, do, or be.

    When we notice that, and notice that uncomfortable feeling of envy arising, we have a decision to make: We can beat ourselves up over the gap between where we are and where they are, or we can ask ourselves: “What is this comparison telling me about what I’m wanting/needing right now?” and “What can I learn from this person to get myself closer to where I want to be?”

    One of these options is based on ego gratification and external validation; the other is based on self-compassion and a desire to live the best life we can.

    Making this choice isn’t necessarily easy to do in the moment, but it is possible.

    Viewing comparison as an opportunity is an act of self-kindness. It lifts the burden of “not enough” and provides a chance for growth and connection—especially if the person you’re comparing yourself to is someone you can reach out to and ask, “Hey, I’d love to be able to do that; do you have any advice to share?”

    Perhaps one day I will realize that I no longer compare myself to other people. In the meantime, however, I’m learning to accept that this is something I do and finding ways to use is as a force for positive change.

    How do you deal with comparison in your life?

    Photo by Christian Haugen

  • 4 Lessons on Conquering Fear and Living the Life You Want to Live

    4 Lessons on Conquering Fear and Living the Life You Want to Live

    Happiness

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?” ~Marianne Williamson

    After lying on my apartment floor for an hour, I walked over to the mirror, leaned in, and looked into my eyes.  This was the moment I came face to face with the truth: I was afraid to stand up and be who I wanted to be in this life.

    It was not the fact that I was so rock bottom that scared me. It was the belief that I am capable of so much more.

    Five years ago, I was in a banking job that demanded more of me than I could give. I remember one day a customer standing at the edge of my desk, yelling at me, and all I could do was get up from my chair and run away as my first panic attack took hold of me.

    It was during this time that I began my relationship with food. Every evening was the same: I would leave work, get Mexican take out, return home, turn my cell phone on silent, and watch reruns of Sex and the City.

    I lived vicariously through Carrie and struggled with her through her journey. It was in these few hours that I felt connected to something. I did not have to work hard, try, or fake anything; I just observed. This ritual got me through the year of 2008.     

    On New Year’s Eve, I sat waiting for my date to celebrate a new year, looking down on the pile of clothes on my floor. Not one shirt or pair of pants fit me. The last thing I wanted to do was celebrate anything as I wondered how it all added up to this one evening.

    The truth was, I had let myself go and weighed the most I have ever weighed in my entire life.

    The next morning, after a long evening of questioning and self-loathing, I woke up and started sifting through the pictures of myself from the evening before. Something in me wanted to fully acknowledge the truth of my reality; I lay down on my apartment floor, began accepting how far I had let myself go, and let it all out.

    An hour later, I peeled myself off the floor, walked to the bathroom mirror, leaned in, and declared that I did not recognize the girl in the mirror. That moment of recognition, or a lack of recognition for that matter, was my turning point.

    I had been hiding behind clothes, food, and Sex and the City reruns for far too long, and as painful as it was to face this reality, it was my awakening. This was my life, and there was no other option but to stop hiding behind food, face my fears, and move forward, fiercely. 

    This is exactly what I did. I left my job as a personal banker, lost forty pounds in the first year, became a certified personal trainer, and eventually started my own company to inspire and empower others to move fiercely forward in their lives. I became a warrior!

    Over the next four years, I learned four lessons that empowered me to live the life I wanted to live.

    1. Moving forward is the only option.

    That day, I did not know much about how I was going to change; I just knew why I needed to change.

    So I started somewhere; I dusted myself off, wiped my tears, and began emptying my kitchen cupboards. Day by day, action by action, I began moving in a new direction, and it felt different. I began seeing changes, both physically and mentally, soon thereafter and felt a sense of pride in myself that I had never felt before.

    It’s easy to overcomplicate the path to what you want, but it is very simple: take one small step forward each day.

    2. Walk through the fear, you warrior.

    When I first began my journey of moving forward in my life, I was excited, empowered, and motivated by all the positive changes that were taking place, but with this also came fear.

    What I feared most was having the courage to hold my own and be the best version of me. I envisioned the woman I wanted to be; she was empowered, confident, sexy, strong, and capable of anything she set her mind to! Then suddenly the fear crept in as I wondered how I would walk in this woman’s shoes and pull it off.

    Fear is an interesting thing; it can paralyze you or catapult you. If you let it paralyze you, you will continue doing what you have always done and shy away from the courage you have within you, your light. If you let it catapult you, you turn your fear into fuel and use it as a tool to conquer whatever stands in your way.

    It was the day I created my personal mantra, Fierce Forward, that I came face to face with my biggest fear that first year: stepping foot in the weight room.

    Walking into a room full of grunting men who have been doing this for years was extremely intimidating, but I would not allow my fear to paralyze me. I began running faster, brewing up the courage as I envisioned myself walking tall toward the weight room, stepping over the line that divides my past endeavors from my future endeavors.

    I knew I had to put a fierce face on, and ten minutes later, I was lifting weights amongst the men I once feared.  Little did I know at that time that lifting would become my passion and be the activity that empowers me most. Choosing to face my fear that day paid off ten fold, as lifting inspired me to become a personal trainer.

    The more experience I had with facing my fears, the more of a warrior I became.

    Fear should be walked through, not around. When you walk through it, you are choosing to face what you are afraid of and overcome it. That day in the gym, I walked through my fear!

    3. You hold the key.

    It was in one of my favorite movies, Sucker Punch, that these words, whispered by Sweat Pea, awoke something powerful within me: “Who chains us? And who holds the key that can set us free… It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!”

    These words impacted me in a way nothing has before. I had been trudging through most of my life, reacting and living like a zombie. When I heard this quote, I was four years into my journey.  Through all the trials and tribulations I faced in those four years, I realized that I had already learned this lesson; I hold the key, and I always have.

    We are the only ones that can change our lives by taking responsibility for those changes. Just as I chose to take responsibility for my unhappiness, to move forward, to walk through my fears and to live the life I imagined for myself, so can you.

    4. Practice loving you.

    I knew that I had to believe in myself wholeheartedly to move forward in my life. I made it a mission to tell myself every day that I am beautiful, strong, confident, and powerful. Even if I did not completely believe it yet, I knew I had to “fake it until I make it,” and so I did.

    It was only through practice and intention that I began learning the art of self-love. As I began reaching for the woman I wanted to be, I realized that I deserve to shine.

    To this day, I focus on my self-talk and alter each negative thought with its positive scenario, I write myself love letters, lipstick “you are beautiful and fierce” on my bathroom mirror, and wear intention bracelets that give me the courage and strength I need to believe in myself.

    You are here to be powerful, fierce, and uniquely you. Do not fear this power, but run to it and embrace it with open arms.

    Remember, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”

    Go get ‘em, you warrior!

    Photo by Camdiluv

  • Keep Your Eye on the Prize to Find the Courage to Keep Going

    Keep Your Eye on the Prize to Find the Courage to Keep Going

    Red Sunset

    “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt 

    I will never forget June 20, 1999.

    I experienced many firsts on that day: leaving my family behind, traveling by plane, and being surrounded by people talking a different language.

    But that day wasn’t exceptional for those reasons alone; it also put me on a path of independence and self-discovery that has treated me well ever since.

    My dream was simple in my teens: to live abroad and speak a foreign language.

    I wanted this because of the hardships of my childhood in Hungary and my desire for a better life. I picked up the philosophy early on around me—put up with what you have because things won’t get better, and you may as well accept that.

    I did that mostly, but something pulled me back to my dream.

    So after I left school, I saved up and contacted an employment agent who found a placement for me with an English family.

    I was happy, but my friends thought differently. They asked, “Why would you want to go on your own, being so naïve, socially awkward, and barely understanding the language? What if there was a problem?”

    I knew they were right. I had those exact fears.

    But my mind was made up; I could not entertain the idea that something might go wrong. I was raring to go.

    Saying goodbye to my father at the airport was the toughest part. He faithfully carried my suitcase to check in, but we were both uncertain what would happen after our parting.

    Whatever awaited me at the other end, I knew I had to face it.

    After landing in London, I travelled 200 miles by coach to a sleepy little village to meet the new family. My mind kept switching back and forth between anxiety and excitement. I couldn’t wait to start out on a new adventure, but I was equally aware I’d just left behind everything familiar.

    I was counting down the minutes.

    What would they be like? Would they have a sign with my name on like in the movies? Will they like my gifts?

    By the time the coach rolled into the station, it was already dark.

    I grabbed my worldly possessions, scanned the waiting area to see if a family vaguely resembling the description I was given was there. But nobody was there. No boards with my name or curious children and a happy mother pleased to meet me.

    The agent specifically said they would be there. I just had to arrive and everything would be taken care of. Perhaps they were held up?

    I waited. And waited. Where were they?

    Then reality struck—no one was coming.

    The time was close to midnight by then; I had to do something, as the station was closing.

    I plucked up the courage and approached an attendant explaining in my limited English what I was doing there. I showed him the letter from the family, which showed their phone number and address.

    He dialed the number but to no avail. Then he suggested I try a taxi instead, as I could not stay there. I was on the move again. I could see some relief now. Whatever their reason for not picking me up, everything would be resolved soon.

    We reached our destination, a quaint suburban house. The driver helped me with my suitcase (after duly pocketing the taxi fare—leaving me with very little money) and rang the bell.

    No answer. I tried again by knocking on the door. Nothing. He found a stick and banged on one of the windows, but still, no sign of life from the house.

    He was getting agitated. He wanted to go home; he’d done his duty. I was not his responsibility, and so he left me there, without a solution.

    My mind was racing. What am I to do now? And where are these people? They are the only link I have to this country, and I cannot even so much as find them?

    I felt truly stranded, terrified, and alone like never before.

    I went around back to their garden and the only thing I could think of was to sleep on the garden bench. It was summer but I shivered like a leaf.

    As the sun came up, I decided to call home and speak to my father. He was in utter disbelief, demanding I come home immediately.

    Then I contacted the agent whose frosty reply cut through me: “I’m sorry but I cannot help you from here!”

    I returned to the house as the sun was breaking. This time I heard noises from inside. I was banging on the door like my life depended on it. Finally it opened up.

    And there she was, looking at me surprised. I trembled as I showed her the letter, and she said they were not expecting me for another week! To this day, I have no idea why she never opened the door the day before. I slept ten hours straight that afternoon.

    At long last I felt some kind of beginning to my new life. I had a roof over my head and people to look out for me.

    Or so I thought.

    We didn’t connect from the start. Without knowing the language, I sensed our moral ground was a galaxy apart. She was barely in the house, and when she was, she gave curt orders without kindness or structure. She also completely forgot about feeding me and paying my wages.

    I wanted to get away as quickly as I could. I had to spend another four weeks in that household before I was placed with a new family. 

    What a contrast from the previous place! The family lived in a spacious home in a nice area of London. The three children were under five, and we got along well from the start. And learning English from them was easier, having similar levels of comprehension.

    For the first time ever, I was introduced to a formal routine where I knew exactly what to do each day. Looking back, this was an unexpected bonus; I learned the value of having a daily structure. This one habit still saves my skin each day.

    They took me to all sorts of places—posh weddings and foreign holidays. I also had this amazing city at my fingertips waiting to be discovered.

    World famous sights—sights I’d always wanted to see—were now an underground trip away. I also met people from many different backgrounds, which allowed me to gain a glimpse into other cultures—something I never would have experienced had I stayed at home.

    My English adventure had begun.

    From then on, everything fell into place and I gradually achieved all the goals I set myself before I left home.

    Nowadays, I dream in English. I keep studying and improving myself not only professionally but also personally. I could have very well turned back during those first few weeks, but without that I wouldn’t be who, or where, I am today.

    I truly believe I needed to go through that trial by fire to prove to myself what I was capable of under my own steam. Yes, it was painful and emotionally trying, but isn’t that all part of learning and growing to be a better person?

    How to Keep Going (When All You Want to Do is Turn Back)

    Sometimes we must put up with uncomfortable parts of our lives, because what we label as “problems” might be opportunities in disguise—opportunities that help us get over the darkest of times.

    Even when we feel like fleeing and giving up at the first hurdle, doing so would be unwise.

    Sure, we may get knocked down a hundred times, but if something is worth achieving in life, we must endure some bitterness—not least because we owe it to the younger versions of ourselves who were so determined at the beginning. To them, anything was possible.

    Continuing on is easier if we have the rewards in sight and recognize the hiccups as a part of the journey. They are signs we are heading in the right direction.

    Sadly, dreams only remains dreams to most, but if we have the courage to begin and see them through tough times, they become reality.

    So jump in with both feet and don’t worry what might happen next. The answers are within you.

    Photo by gizelle rivera

  • How to Live a Full Life and Smile Your Way Through It

    How to Live a Full Life and Smile Your Way Through It

    Smiling

    “There are only two mantras, yum and yuck, mine is yum.” ~Tom Robbins

    I recently had my thirty-first birthday. I am officially in my thirties. This leads to reflection; what have I accomplished with my time as an adult?

    I recently started over yet again, making this the fifth state I’ve lived in seven years. I have a roommate, half of the stuff in my room is hers, and I’m temping for a living. I was more prosperous at twenty friggin’ three…

    …externally.

    If you were to see a photo of me at the age of eighteen next to a current photo, you’d notice a few changes. I’m obviously older and have gained some weight. I finally got those braces off, and my skin cleared up nicely.

    However, if you were super-perceptive you’d say, “The young one is nervously smiling. She doesn’t look genuinely happy.” You’d be correct. 

    The young one is bulimic. She doesn’t believe in herself. She has no clue who she is. She’s recovering from the trauma of her mother’s suicide. She babbles about boys, gossip, and that’s about it. After nearly everything she says, she glances at those around her like, “right?”, and a nervous laugh sputters out.

    Poor dear. She’s scared to death and she doesn’t even know it.

    I, the older and curvier one, am honest to goodness happy. Even though things in life don’t look just how I’d like them to yet, I’m excited to see how it plays out.

    I know I can have, be, and do whatever I want; I have faith in myself, the forces of life, and divine timing. I’m enjoying checking out experiences as they arrive, and I feel grateful for what they are teaching my soul. That nervous giggle has transformed into a satisfying and hearty belly laugh.

    So how did I go from a fake laugh to a real one, and how can you, too?

    1. Embrace rock bottom.

    I left my hometown in Alaska to go to college in Vegas, sans the childhood friends that handled my traumatized self with kid gloves. I hid in booze, drugs, and boys the best I could; but depression started bubbling halfway through the year, and quickly ignited to a full-on boil.

    I binged and purged daily. I would scratch my skin until it bled, because the pain hurt less than the thoughts it was distracting me from.

    It all finally erupted and I realized I had to stop hiding and numbing myself. In facing my depression and self-hatred head on, I was able to rebuild my life from a new foundation. It wasn’t easy, but letting myself hit rock bottom was the key to my growth and healing.

    If you are having a difficult time, if it feels like everything is crumbling, it’s okay. Weak structures need to break down in order to be rebuilt with strength.

    Release the pieces of you that are no longer self-serving, knowing that you are not your past. You are whoever you choose to be, and going through the hard parts just makes that person all the stronger.

    2. Create dreams and goals.

    Compared to that first year, the rest of college went by fairly uneventfully. I was soon a college graduate, with a corporate job, living with a man I loved. These things were all dreams up until I got them, but as dreams often go, once they came true I quickly outgrew them. I wanted more.

    I spent a lot of time articulating what I wanted, trying situations on in my head like outfits. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to move to California on my own, make another 12K a year, and organize fundraisers for charity. So I did.

    Then I wanted more again. That’s how dreams go. Love, appreciate, and enjoy them when they come to fruition. Your heart will eventually stir again, signaling time to conjure up some new ones.

    3. Take risks.

    After a few successful charity fundraisers, being flown to New York twice in recognition, and writing about it all in a national magazine, I realized Southern California didn’t suit this here Alaskan chick. I decided to move to Colorado. The branch of the corporation I was working for serendipitously shut down shortly after that decision.

    I used my severance package to start over in Denver. I didn’t know anyone, and I had never been there.  I wanted to see how I’d react to the challenge.

    If you never put yourself out there, you’ll never have the space you need to truly grow. Exposing yourself to life’s contrasts is crucial to living it fully, and you can’t do that without involving a little risk.

    4. Make the best of any situation.

    I thought the lay-offs I witnessed were an isolated incident…it was 2008. My confidence approached arrogance as I surfed into Denver. What I didn’t know is I was riding the first tidal waves of the recession.

    I was honest-to-goodness shocked that no one cared about my three years of corporate ladder climbing.  Shocked! I tried desperately for a year, getting only one interview out of hundreds of cover letters. It should have been the worst year ever. It was incredibly stressful, don’t get me wrong, but it was also one of the best years yet.

    I met some the raddest people I know, soaked up all Denver had to offer, dreamed new dreams, started meditating, and learned that when I sought strength internally, it was always there. It wound up being a year of delightful transformation.

    It’s always our choice what we make of any situation. We can stare at our worries and fret; or we can figure out how to enjoy even dire circumstances, while doing our very best to correct them.

    When I could try no longer, I had to head back home to Alaska. I could have done so with my tail betwixt my legs, but I went tail a waggin’ and my chin held high.

    5. Face yourself.

    Returning to my small hometown was really challenging. I felt like everyone thought they knew me, even though I’d been gone for nearly a decade. I hated the feeling of trying to overcome these preconceived notions; yet at the same time, I was projecting old experiences onto others right back, assuming I knew who they were.

    I felt confined, and defined. My joie de vivre eventually faded, slowly, almost too slow to notice; but by the time I left I could barely summon a spark.

    I felt incredibly alone, like the only person I had to turn to was myself—which was okay, because turning to face ourselves is exactly what we have to do to overcome the darkness.

    Shadow work, or “casting a light on your dark side,” is best done during tough times. Think about how why things are so dark; how did you contribute to it? Ask yourself if you have patterns in your behaviors, thoughts, or beliefs that are getting in your way.

    What emotions are you experiencing? Isolate them, and then lean in to them, really feel them. This will help you process them, and only then will they be released, allowing you to move on.

    6. Truly and wholly love yourself, all of yourself.

    I’ve messed up, many, many times. I chose the proverbial scenic route, for sure. I haven’t even scratched the surface of the missteps I’ve made. You know what? I love myself for it. Those “mistakes” have led me to a place of true self-understanding and knowledge. We can only ever truly love what we truly know.

    Embrace your detours, as they are life’s clearest education. We may not choose to learn the hard way in the future, but we should never regret our past. Own it.

    Apply the wisdom that you have gained from trying experiences to create awesome ones. Most importantly, have a sense of humor about it all; the hard times, the great times, your achievements, and your shortcomings. They make you you, and you are beautiful.

    So I sit here, thirty-one, six months into starting over in Portland Oregon, nary a possession to my name, with a sense of fearless excitement about what’s coming. I live to grow, and I grow to live. I am open to whatever experience life has in store for me, ready to get a great laugh at whatever’s coming next.

    Photo by Irina Patrascu

  • Overcoming Fear and Perceived Threats to Work Toward Your Dream

    Overcoming Fear and Perceived Threats to Work Toward Your Dream

    10 Steps for Overcoming the Fear of Making a Change

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    I awoke with a jolt. I heard the steady breathing of my sleeping partner next to me. I checked the clock; it was 3:30 AM. With a deep exhale, while rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I reached out to my bedside table to grab my phone.

    For a moment, I hesitated. I knew that tickets went on sale at 4:00 AM New Zealand Time and that they would be going fast.

    The U.S. event I wanted to attend would require a considerable financial investment (air travel and accommodation in addition to the costly ticket) and, given my track record, I was worried that I’d be wasting my money, once again.

    I looked back at my history of getting really excited about something, only to lose steam halfway through and find all sorts of excuses why it was impossible to continue. How could I be sure this wouldn’t happen again?

    Could I trust this time that fear would not take over and destroy my best intentions?

    I knew that I wasn’t just buying a ticket to an event. From the moment I heard about the conference, I was certain of one thing: I had to be there because I wanted to get up on stage and talk, even though I never thought that I’d have ambitions to be in the public eye, to disrupt the comfort of my calculable days, or to allow those really grand dreams into my consciousness.

    Instantly, after recognizing that I couldn’t shake the desire to talk in front of hundreds of people—in public and in a foreign country—I heard the familiar naysaying voices. Faint at first, they whispered that I should go back to sleep and not waste my money.

    Together, they wondered what excuse I could tell my friend, whom I had promised that I’d be at the event this year. What would be the most plausible reason why I couldn’t go?

    It was undeniable; fear was here. Reliable like the clock that was ticking in my bedroom, fear had crept up to me out of the darkness.

    Now, holding me fully in its grip, it spoke with a booming voice while breathing ice-cold air down my neck.

    “Put your phone away and go back to sleep. Don’t be so stupid,” it hissed. “Money doesn’t grow on trees, don’t waste it on this little fantasy of yours. You’re never going to board that plane anyway, I can tell you now.”

    Fear is one of the most excruciating and potentially destructive encounters we have to face. It is the enemy that attacks us from within.

    While reliable enough for us to know that it will show up, we can never be sure when we will have to brace ourselves. As I was lying in bed at 3:30 AM, phone at the ready with the intention to take the next crucial step towards realizing a long-held dream, fear showed up.

    Its presence usually triggers the following events for me: my heart starts to beat faster, my breathing accelerates, and my body temperature rapidly fluctuates between hot and cold, all while I spiral downward into a mental and emotional abyss, resulting in the total collapse of the dreamer within who triggered it all in the first place.

    Fear puts me in survival mode and pushes aside everything else that has a whimsical, magical, and expansive quality to it.

    I know this sequence so well. Many of us do. So that night, tired of being tossed around by fear-induced tidal waves, I hatched my own four-step process for dealing with fear and transforming it into positive action.

    1. Ask yourself if it’s a real or perceived threat.

    Undeniably, fear is a powerful emotion. And it’s useful too. I want fear by my side, heightening my senses and alerting me to potential dangers when a loud noise wakes me up at night.

    But I realized that fear is not as clever or cunning as it may seem. It cannot differentiate between a real threat and a perceived threat. Differentiating those nuances is not its job, really; it has no time to categorize. Once there is any kind of threat on the horizon, it kick starts the survival program to keep me safe from harm.

    My job is to recognize that fear is here and has begun to lock me into survival mode. Once I brought full awareness to the fact that I was scared, I was able to look at the trigger. It occurred to me to ask if what I’m fearful of is actually a real threat or a perceived threat.

    Real threats are usually quite obvious. They are potentially very dangerous and more often than not involve physical harm. For example, I would not think twice about protecting myself from someone trying to climb through my bedroom window at night.

    Perceived threats, on the other hand, are usually mental images such as memories or ideas. They are based on past experiences or on future predictions; they are walls we erect to protect the delicate structures of the world as we know it.

    Perceived threats are mere illusions that hold us back from pushing our boundaries and exploring new shores. So perceived threats are, in reality, opportunities for immense personal growth.

    Unless we live in an unstable region, I would argue that 90% of the time we experience fear, it is a perceived threat. What an insight! Once I realized that I wasn’t dealing with a life-threatening situation, I steadied myself with a calming breathing exercise.

    2. Use fear’s energy as a lever to break through.

    A little calmer, I saw that fear set free an incredible amount of energy. My heart was still beating at one hundred miles an hour. What to do with it?

    Busting through those sturdy walls I erected in the past takes a certain oomph. I realized that I can redirect the energy let loose by fear and rattle those walls until they crumble.

    Suddenly, fear became not so much an emotion to give in to blindly, but an invitation to actively participate, to identify where its energy was needed most and to use the powerful physical and emotional tidal wave to wash away those outdated, internal boundaries.

    3. Go deep.

    I scrubbed. I mean, I really scrubbed! I looked in every nook and cranny of my being, brushed away the cob webs, and shone a light into those dark corners where I don’t usually like to look.

    I wanted this personal growth. So, like old and weak leaves from trees in stormy weather, my own limiting beliefs were removed from my mental catalogue and dissolved.

    How do we do this? We take every fear-induced mental image and transform it from a negative to a positive experience.

    I saw myself boarding the plane instead of watching myself construct plausible excuses why I couldn’t go. I pictured myself at the conference, on stage, talking in front of hundreds of people that loved every word I said instead of seeing myself sitting at home in Auckland on the weekend of the conference.

    4. Take action.

    I checked my phone; the ticket sale had started. “This is it,” I thought. “Go for it.”

    After the intense standoff with my own fear, I decided to be gentle with myself. With a deep exhale, I closed my eyes and anchored those positive mental images in every cell of my being until I was ready to take the next courageous step towards realizing my dream.

    And with reassuring peace and newfound freedom in my heart, I purchased.

    What fear is holding you back? Is the danger real or perceived? Can you see a mental image of your dream coming to life? And how can you channel the energy of your fear to take action toward your dream?

    Photo here

  • Being True to Ourselves and Forgetting What Other People Think

    Being True to Ourselves and Forgetting What Other People Think

    Dreaming

    “Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” ~Sonya Parker

    The day that I realized that I was trapped inside of my life was an ordinary day. I woke up, dressed myself, drove to work, and applied makeup to my assigned actors and actresses. It was a groundhog day filled with my usual routine as an entertainment makeup artist.

    I settled into my chair on set and watched as the director directed and the cameramen captured the scenes on tape.

    The vibration from my phone caught my attention. I picked it up and whispered, “hello.”

    The person on the other end asked me why I was whispering. I told them, “I’m on set and I must be quiet.”

    They asked, “So, you can’t speak out loud at your job?” I was perturbed by this question because, of course, I can speak out loud at my job but not when the tape is rolling.

    This question lingered in my mind well after I hung up the phone. So you can’t speak out loud? The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was my truth. I realized I didn’t feel free to truly speak out loud—I didn’t feel free to be me.

    I could not speak out loud during a take but I, honestly, could not speak out in the makeup room either. In my mind, it was a classic case of your voice doesn’t count so keep your mouth shut. The actors and actresses have the floor, and who really wants to listen to a makeup artist?

    It takes a special kind of actor/person to truly take interest in the lives of the people who serve them. I saw clearly that I wasn’t living my life for myself and that I shrunk within the space around me to allow others to shine.

    I was living in the matrix and I needed to take a new pill in order to go on with my life.

    I began to understand the reason depression had come over me that year and, at that moment, I knew I had to make a change. Of course, fear pounded on my head and my heart; yet, I could not allow it to stop me from advancing.

    I knew I wanted to write but I am a makeup artist not a writer. Who would read a novel written by a makeup artist? I also knew that if I didn’t write I would die. So, I made a decision to apply to UCLA as a transfer student.  

    I had walked away from college twenty years before to attend beauty school and since I knew that I wanted to major in English, I thought I’d give college another try, but when UCLA accepted me, fear knocked even harder.

    How could a forty-one-year-old makeup artist, wife, and mother of two return to college and complete a degree in English? 

    I had to walk down a new path and live my life for me and not for anyone else. I had to be free to be me.

    My life began to change when we studied Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay Pray Without Ceasing. This was where I first heard the concept that we pray without ceasing because our thoughts are our prayers and our prayers are answered and manifested in the person that we become.

    I began to spend time talking with the professor in his office in order to understand these concepts.

    A new world opened up for me, as I understood that I played a huge role in my reality and that my thoughts were my power.

    I began to correlate the relationship my old thoughts had to my past situations. It shook my paradigm.

    I recognized that my thoughts kept me in a state of depression, as I focused on my past and all the bad that had happened in my life. These thoughts also catapulted me into the future as I fantasized about a better life. I could not live in the present moment.

    I also began to see that I chose to please everyone around me. I thought it was a moral duty to take care of others while I neglected the desires of my heart. Before entering UCLA, my heart ached a lot.

    I literally had pains in my chest that woke me in the middle of the night. I had an EKG and while everything looked good, I knew something about me had to change.

    After learning a new way of thinking, I knew I could turn my life around, and I did.

    I began to renew my mind with new thoughts. When a negative thought come to mind, I observed it and then replaced it with a thought that uplifted and affirmed me. In the beginning, it felt like I was lying to myself.

    Although it was difficult obtaining my English degree from one of the top English departments in the country, I graduated and I walked across the stage a month shy of my forty-third birthday. Since then, I have completed my first novel, which I began in 2004 before entering UCLA.

    After graduation I continued to read and practice empowering my mind with uplifting messages. I read books by Louise Hay, Florence Schovel Shinn, and Eckhart Tolle. I began to wrap my arms around myself and embrace me.

    Each day I release my old paradigm and I allow new thoughts to build an uplifting foundation within me. This has saved my life by giving me freedom to exist and unfold in each moment. I now know that if I live for the present and remain in the now, I breathe easier and feel lighter.

    I am free to be me just as you are free to be you. It doesn’t matter what others think or feel about us as long as we are true to who we are.

    So, to those who are living their lives for themselves and no one else, I applaud you, and to those who aren’t, I hope this inspires you to do so. You deserve to fully embrace yourself and to enjoy your existence on this planet.

    Photo by nic519