Tiny Buddha

Tag: anxiety

  • 5 Beliefs About Anxiety That Can Make You Even More Anxious

    5 Beliefs About Anxiety That Can Make You Even More Anxious

    “It’s okay to not be okay all the time.” ~Unknown

    I never thought of myself as an anxious person.

    But here I was again, staring at a computer screen in my office, so stressed I could barely type. I’d been throwing myself into work and I had crashed—hard.

    And this wasn’t the first time.

    Unfortunately, our mental image of who we think we are and who we actually are don’t always match up. But part of being human is that we learn to live with that, we embrace the struggle, and we grow.

    Over the last five years I’ve had a number periods of high anxiety, often triggered by work-related stress. In that time I’ve realized that my beliefs about anxiety were unhelpful, and they often worsened the experience.

    When I was able to let go of the firm grip I had on these ideas, I found that when anxiety came to visit, it didn’t stay around as long as it used to.

    Here are five beliefs about anxiety that can make you even more anxious. If you recognize them in yourself, I hope you can let them go when they arise.

    1. It’s not normal (or okay) to have anxiety. 

    When you first start to notice your anxiety, you might think it’s not normal. The feelings in your body will be so intense that when you look around at other people, who on the surface look so calm, you won’t be able to believe that what’s happening to you might happening to them.

    But I want you to know something. You are not alone.

    Though everyone’s experience will be different, there are dozens of people you’ll come into contact with daily who have probably had similar feelings.

    That guy who gave you your coffee this morning, he had a panic attack before work. The girl next to you at the bus stop, she’s trying to calm herself down right now. The boss who yelled at your coworker an hour ago, he’s anxious that his own boss is breathing down his neck.

    Anxiety is common.

    Holding onto the (false) belief that what’re you’re experiencing isn’t normal only intensifies the problem by making you feel separate from everyone else around you. It keeps you in your head where the question “Why is this happening to me?” may circle round and round without ever finding a good enough answer.

    2. I need to get over my anxiety in X weeks, months, years.

    Putting strict deadlines on when you want to completely rid yourself of anxiety is never useful. But I used to do this all the time.

    The role that anxiety is going to play in your life isn’t predictable—you just can’t know. Telling yourself that you must overcome it in a certain amount of time is just going to feed it. Once you can truly learn to accept that you don’t know when or for how long it will come to visit, you’ll notice it does so a lot less often!

    3. I can use my anxiety as a motivational tool.

    One common way we often justify our anxiety is through the cliché “I work best under pressure,” but what we’re usually doing is placing an unnecessary amount of stress on our bodies and brains.

    In the long term, this can leave us drained of the necessary energy to prevent and ward off anxious thoughts. When you experience stress, don’t focus on doing more. Just ride it out, let it pass, and try to be productive from a place of relative calm.

    4. The magic bullet cure for my anxiety is out there somewhere.

    Overcoming anxiety is a process, and holding onto the idea that you’re just one more book, course, or technique away from the ultimate cure will inevitably lead to disappointment, and typically more anxiety.

    Take it day by day and relish in the small victories, and over time you’ll make progressive but sustainable changes in the way you handle your nerves.

    5. Anxiety is all in my head.

    This is completely false, and an unhelpful way to look at anxiety. It’s an issue with your nervous system, so it’s just as much in your body as it is in your head.

    Trying to think or rationalize your way out of panic can often be a losing battle. By seeing the mind and body as connected, and both as home to your anxiety, you can develop more skillful control over your thoughts and feelings and not get caught up in a maze of worry.

    If you don’t already have a movement related practice, something like yoga, Qigong or Tai Chi can be really useful for improving your ability to calm your body.

    I’m not yet completely anxiety free, but every year I cope with it better and better.

    Make small steps every day, congratulate yourself on the little wins, and remember that you are not alone!

  • How to Stop Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop and Start Living Fully

    How to Stop Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop and Start Living Fully

    “Use your precious moments to live life fully every single second of every single day.” ~Marcia Wieder

    I recently came back from an amazing vacation overseas with my family. All of our travel went smoothly, everyone stayed healthy, and there wasn’t any drama or conflict among family members. Other than one flight being delayed, it was perfect.

    On the way home from the trip my heart and soul were soaring from the fun we had enjoyed, savoring the memories in my mind and feeling grateful. I noticed, though, that when I returned home my mind slowly started to shift. Not because of the usual dread of coming back from vacation, but rather because things actually continued to go well at home.

    My adjustment to my jet lag was fine, and the first day back at work was actually nice. By all measures I should have continued to feel pretty happy! Instead, I began to anticipate that something bad would happen.

    I could hear the voice in my head reminding me that I had just enjoyed ten days of vacation, so surely it was time for something negative to take place—a cold, stress at work, something.

    It was almost as if I was inviting something bad into my life to temper the positivity I was feeling in the moment.

    Some people describe this is as “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” and in my family we called it “Catholic guilt.”

    As I’ve grown older, I’ve done this a little too often, in several different areas of life.

    If my kids have been healthy for a good stretch, I start to have sneaky thoughts about how they’re “due soon” for a bout of some type of illness.

    If my finances are under control, I’ll wonder if we’ll have an unexpected repair that will take us off course.

    It’s not a concern if those thoughts float in and out, but I seem to have problems when they linger and begin to detract from what I am doing in the present.

    The truth is that life does change constantly, and there are ebbs and flows between happiness and pain.

    In one instant our situations can shift so drastically that we will be left reeling, so expecting that every day will be wonderful is obviously both unrealistic and unhelpful. Yet I’ve found that anxiously awaiting some sort of tragedy or pain often diminishes my current happiness.

    Waiting for the other shoe to drop is this tricky way that we rob ourselves of a good feeling in the now because we are nervously anticipating something negative in the future.

    A balance between fear about the future and a naive optimism is possible; we could call this space living fully.

    Living fully is where we acknowledge that life will bring suffering and beauty, pain and happiness, challenge and comfort, and it will all come at different times. If we live fully, we do our best to float gracefully between these times, aiming not to get “stuck” in a space of overwhelming tension.

    This is not an easy task, but below are some suggestions for those who want to decide not to wait in constant fear of that other shoe dropping.

    Tips for Living Fully

    1. Find time to be present.

    The beauty of being present is that, by definition, it doesn’t allow you to be anywhere else. When you find time to be in the moment, anticipatory thoughts about bad things happening may enter your mind, but you will gently and swiftly guide them to the side.

    Each of us has our unique ways of being present, whether it be a yoga class or exercise, quiet observation of nature, or meditation. Even a few minutes of quiet can be helpful in getting centered and focused.

    2. Try savoring.

    Just like you might enjoy a good glass of wine or a bite of cheesecake, you can also savor positive emotions or events.

    For example, I could recall the vacation I took overseas, reliving a particularly fun outing or adventure. I could talk about the trip with my family and coworkers, and look at pictures. As I do that I would begin to bring back those memories, and those positive emotions associated with these memories would also come back.

    3. Introduce some logic to your thoughts.

    Sometimes our thoughts can run away from us, going down a path that we know isn’t logical or helpful.

    In the case of anticipating something negative, I’ve found that I can best stop the thoughts with this simple reasoning: “Yes, it is inevitable that something bad will happen at some point, but I don’t know when or where. So, I might as well enjoy what I’m feeling now so later I won’t regret not having enjoyed that time when things were going well.”

    4. Practice gratitude.

    Being aware of what we have in our lives orients us to the present. We can always find something or someone to appreciate, and in showing this appreciation we gain an increased awareness of its beauty.

    Expressing gratitude can be private (e.g., keeping a gratitude journal or list) or public (e.g., writing a letter of thanks to someone), but I’m preferential to personal reminders of gratitude.

    For example, when I am feeling the joy of doing something I love or spending time with friends and family, I try to remember to say to myself: “this moment is good.” Just saying that brings me to the present and acknowledges my gratitude in the moment.

    5. Spend time with people who also like to live fully.

    It’s no mystery that emotions can be contagious. Friends or loved ones who are perpetually negative can influence our mindset, particularly if we find ourselves feeling anxious or dreading something negative happening.

    While we shouldn’t avoid or shun friends who are struggling, we can be purposeful about finding time to spend with those who give us a burst of positive energy through their ability to live fully.

    —

    Our lives are in flux, and change is inevitable. By not constantly waiting for the bad stuff to happen, and instead focusing on the now, we can flow more easily, joyfully, and fully through our days.

  • How Reframing Your Self-Critical Thoughts Can Help Ease Anxiety

    How Reframing Your Self-Critical Thoughts Can Help Ease Anxiety

    “Don’t let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present.” ~Unknown

    I know what it feels like to be scared.

    I know what it feels like to question your sanity, your worth, your place in this world.

    Sometimes, all I can do is repeat the words it’s okay over and over and over again in my head, until I kind of, somewhat, maybe start to believe it’s true.

    Anxiety sucks. Depression does too. They’re not my favorites of the emotions we humans get to experience. But, truthfully, they have a purpose.

    I’ve been having panic attacks for a little over six months now. They’re still new to me, and every one is so different.

    The physical symptoms change, I’m still learning what my “triggers” are, and the ups and downs between my moods vary in time and extremity. But there’s one thing that has been consistent since the beginning, which is that every time I start to feel anxiety or depression creep in, I instantly hate myself.

    I sense the pit of worry in my stomach, and I hate myself. I wake up feeling sad, and I hate myself. I have to transfer money from my savings account, and I hate myself. I mess up at work, and I hate myself. I feel the uncertainty of my future, and I hate myself.

    As soon as I begin to enter that state, it’s the start of the freaking pity party of the century. Pretty soon all of my thoughts sound something along the lines of…

    I’m so messed up.

    No one else feels this way.

    I’m broken beyond repair.

    I shouldn’t feel this way.

    Why can’t I just be happy?

    I’m not good enough to be happy.

    There’s no way I’m going to get through this.

    I thought I had come so far.

    There’s just no point.

    I can’t remember the last time I felt happy, or excited, or tired, or bored, and thought anything close to these dark, nasty thoughts. So why do I instantly start abusing myself with such hateful thinking when these specific emotions of anxiety and depression appear?

    But wait! There’s good news here. This isn’t just a pity party, after all.

    I realized that there’s a way to pull myself out of the cyclical trap of feel sad or anxious, then hating myself for feeling sad or anxious, and then hating myself for hating myself for feeling sad or anxious.

    It’s a vicious cycle, but there is a simple solution: compassion, self-love, and reframing.

    For example, today I had a series of mini breakdowns, which included locking myself in my car so I could cry in (semi) privacy, throwing up in the bathroom at work because my stomach was so full of acidic worry it made me sick, leaving work early because of how I felt, and sobbing in my shower for about twenty minutes while wasting precious hot water. (#BestDayEver)

    So what did I do to turn it around?

    I treated myself with compassion and self-love, and reframed my negative thoughts.

    I showered, put on comfy clothes, made a cup of tea, and lit my favorite candle. I turned on Girls in the background because Hannah always makes me feel better. I read a few pages from one of my favorite books. I did some deep breathing. I told myself “I’m going to be okay” at least one hundred thousand times (slight exaggeration, maybe).

    Then, I started to pay attention to my thoughts as an outside observer. I was able to look at some of the terrible things I say to myself like “I’m so messed up” and “I shouldn’t feel this way,” and was able to crack them open for analysis.

    I was able to look at it from an objective point of view and question: Are these thoughts really true? And if not, can I replace these thoughts with ones that are actually true?

    Some examples…

    I’m so messed up became I’m going through a tough time right now, like everyone else in the world has, but it doesn’t reflect my worthiness or importance as an individual.

    I shouldn’t feel this way became It’s okay to feel down or nervous sometimes, because it’s temporary and it doesn’t define who I am.

    I’m broken beyond repair became I’m just figuring the craziness of this life out, as we all are, and I’ll feel better soon.

    There’s just no point became I have an infinite number of resources and people in my life who love and support me, and I’m worthy of that love and support.

    The stories that we tell ourselves are just that: stories. What we say to ourselves in our heads can hugely impact the way we perceive our lives and our self-worth.

    As the Buddha said, “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.”

    By becoming more mindful of the stories running through your mind, you’re able to take an objective view on how those stories makes you feel, and then decide if they’re worth keeping around or not. If they’re not, choose to let them go.

    Reframing, self-love, and compassion are the three tools I use to help guide me through anxiety and depression. It’s all a learning process, but I can confidently say that this has helped me so much more than self-medicating or trying to ignore the problem.

    By observing our thoughts and the way we speak to ourselves in times of struggle, we can get a picture of how much we actually love ourselves, and then ramp up the love and positivity until we can’t help but feel better

    If you’re going through anxiety, depression, or any other tough time, I encourage you to:

    • Slow down; hit pause
    • Remember that you’re worthy of love and happiness
    • Take a few deep breaths, and tune into that inner dialogue you have going on
    • See if there are any negative thoughts or stories running through your mind that you can challenge
    • Replace them with positive, love-based truths

    Try to remember that we’re all just living, breathing, crazy little human beings, floating around on this planet through a limitless universe for a microscopic moment of time. None of us really know what the heck is going on here.

    We’re all just trying to get by, and have a little fun while doing it. Remember that you’re worthy of love from others, but most importantly, from yourself. And try to ease up on yourself. It’s okay to feel bad. It’s also okay to feel good. They’re two sides of the same coin, and that’s what this life is all about… our depth of human experiences and our connection to something more.

    I’m thankful for anxiety and depression because those emotions present me with an opportunity. It’s a chance for me to fall victim to my fear-based, negative stories, or for me to choose to see things from a place of love instead. The next time you feel those emotions creeping in, I challenge you to ask yourself, what do you choose?

  • Conscious Breathing: A Simple Way to Heal Your Pain and Be Present

    Conscious Breathing: A Simple Way to Heal Your Pain and Be Present

    “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I never gave much thought to my breath unless I was submerged under water for long periods without any.

    Today I rely on it for more than the obvious function of keeping me alive.

    Breathing has become my biggest tool and best friend.

    It has become a foundation for living with conscious presence and awareness.

    Breathing consciously has helped me overcome anxiety and has provided a gateway into peace.

    The breath has helped me move through long-buried emotions and trauma.

    When I try to exert control over outside conditions, my mind speeds up, I feel anxious and fearful, and I create false scenarios of doom and destruction.

    My biggest savior in this downward spiral has been breathing. Lying down, putting on some music, and beginning to breathe. Breathing in and out of my mouth. Taking in as much oxygen as possible, with no gaps between the inhalation and the exhalation.

    In the past, I have resorted to other means of dealing with this anxiety of my mind. Alcohol, drugs, and excessive exercising were some of my favorites.

    Today I have given all these other methods up, as they didn’t really work.

    What are some of the methods you use to quiet the mind? Do they serve you? Do they actually help or make things worse?

    In the past I was running away from feelings, trying to avoid the internal chaos.

    Breathing helps me move through the feelings and chaos.

    It sounds so simple, and it is.

    Through breathwork, my life has transformed.

    I used to be ready to defend myself at any moment. Really.

    Inside my body, I felt surges of adrenaline, as if an attacker was about to kill me. I was always on high alert, ready to pounce into action.

    The excessive exercise kept this adrenaline rolling at high levels all the time. I was addicted to it and almost felt like I needed it to survive.

    Eighteen months ago I began conscious connected breathwork. From my very first session, I was hooked. This was better than drugs.

    As a result of my breathing, all of my unconscious, buried cellular emotion started to surface. Unpleasant blacked-out memories from childhood, traumatic experiences—they all came rushing back.

    It became very clear then what I had been running from. I didn’t want to face those painful feelings.

    I made a commitment to myself, however, that I would continue to show up. I dropped the story. I dropped any goal of “fixing” myself and just let go.

    I decided I would be willing to lie down for an hour and breathe. Whatever happened from there was what needed to happen. I dropped the “poor me” drama that this horrible trauma had happened to me, and instead, I felt it.

    The terror, the anger, and the pain became my companions. Welcoming them in with open arms, I breathed through them—and they passed.

    I stopped, turned around, looked straight at these feelings, and took my power back.

    Today, I am not on the run anymore. My body doesn’t shake like it used to, and my legs aren’t constantly twitching up and down.

    I can sit still.

    I know now that when my mind starts to create drama, I can lie down and breathe.

    The clarity comes, the peace comes, and the feelings pass. I allow them, without trying to make them be any different.

    Is there something you are on the run from? Childhood abuse? A traumatic incident? Relationship heartbreak? What would happen if you faced it?

    What if the resistance to facing and feeling what you are avoiding is actually worse than going through it?

    What if under the mental obsession is fear, and under the fear is freedom?

    The obsessions of the mind are not real.

    They are fantasies created to take up mental space. Like watching a soap opera on TV, it takes us out of reality. It is a distraction.

    What if you decided to turn off the TV in your mind that is creating false dramas to keep it entertained and distracted?

    What would be in the space without the constant stream of mental soap operas?

    What I have found in this space is presence, peace, and grace. The feeling that everything is okay right here and now.

    Right here and now is all there is.

    I live in Bali and have an early morning 4:00am routine that consists of making a cup of coffee, writing, breathing, meditating, and praying. I honor the ancestors, then I drive on my motorbike to yoga and practice being present in the moment as I drive.

    Breathing with awareness helps me to be here now. It snaps me back into the moment.

    I notice and watch the sunrise.

    The early morning Balinese action is all happening on my way to yoga. The women making their offerings on the street, the children on their way to school, the dogs and chickens in the road, the men on their way to work in the rice paddies, and the local market buzzing with action—I take all this in as I drive.

    These moments matter. This is what I love about my life here in Bali. The everyday moments of life as they unfold.

    When in the present, gratitude erupts. Smiling inside, I feel whole and complete, and nothing else really matters.

    Breathing on my scooter, on a bus, while waiting in a line, I take five conscious breaths. Sometimes I count to five on the inhalation and count to five on the exhalation.

    This breathing practice comes with me everywhere I go.

    We all have the gift of breath. Use it. Become conscious of it.

    Turn off the mental TV and see what is truly there: A stunning sunset. Colorful flowers. Birds soaring. A happy child smiling.

    These moments are like snapshots that will never again be repeated. Missing these moments is missing life.

    Today we have a conscious choice to wake up out of the fog, wipe off the lenses, and see through the haze.

    The breath is our anchor. Use it to connect, to breathe through feelings without having to change them.

    Breathe into the emotions that scare you and allow them to come. Welcome them with open arms, and they will pass.

    The only way out is through, opening the doorway to presence and freedom.

    Breathing is our ticket into the present, our passage through the buried trauma of the past, and our vehicle to process difficult emotions.

    Conscious breathing is a life changer, accessible to all, and you can begin right now.

  • How Listening to Depression Can Help Us Overcome It

    How Listening to Depression Can Help Us Overcome It

    “These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.” ~Rumi

    My first diagnosis of depression came at the age of fifteen. Depression runs in my family; it wasn’t a case of overmedicating. It was genuine, and the black dog has followed me all my life.

    I’ve been on eight different antidepressants and a handful of anti-anxiety drugs. I’ve been in and out of therapist offices and hospitals for most of my life, and I expect that I’ll continue to do so.

    My mindset (and that of my family and doctors) was that depression is an adversary to be defeated. If only we found the right medication or the right therapy, we could solve the problem. But that mindset ignores a positive effect of such a negative condition: depression’s ability to induce change.

    Depression lies to you, but it also tells you the truth. And that truth leads to change.

    Silencing

    As I began my career as a lawyer in New York City, my depression worsened. Law is a perfect profession for depression to get worse. I was taught to look for mistakes, to be cynical. A pessimistic mindset is an advantage for a lawyer.

    Lawyers have high rates of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. I don’t know whether depressed people become lawyers or becoming a lawyer makes people depressed. It’s probably a combination, though ultimately it’s irrelevant.

    My depression found expression physically and emotionally. I had chronic tension headaches; when I woke up feeling like head was squeezed into a vice, I knew the pain would last all day. My back and neck were steel cables of tension.

    I gained weight from a combination of lack of exercise and poor diet. On the weekends, I would order huge amounts of food, seeking solace and finding only regret.

    Emotionally, I was ashamed. Ashamed for being depressed and ashamed for hating my job. It was the prize so many of my law school classmates had competed for. Why didn’t I want it?

    More than the shame was an overarching sense of sadness, like a gray filter applied across the screen of my life. It felt like other people were seeing in color, but for some reason I was seeing in black and white.

    I remember discussing a medical leave with my therapist (she was supportive, and I owe her much). But I was crushed as I realized that a leave was only that—I’d have to return to the office.

    Late one night, unable to sleep, I found myself scrutinizing my apartment’s lease agreement, looking for a way out. My apartment was bathed in darkness. In the pale glow of my laptop’s screen, I broke down, shoulders heaving with sobs.

    I had been trying to kill the messenger. I wanted to silence my depression, as if I could put my hands over my ears and make the noise stop. But instead, I needed to listen to what my depression was telling me.

    Listening

    In those times, depression felt intractable. It was a heavy stone that I wasn’t strong enough to move. But I think, more subtly, depression can signal change. Pain is a messenger.

    Just like physical pain, emotional pain is a signal. Your body is telling you to change what you’re doing. And those changes can’t take place if you don’t stop and listen.

    And how to listen? Sit in stillness, observing what thoughts and emotions arise in the silence. No control, only observation.

    I learned to focus on my breath, observing its rising and falling, without focusing on a specific object or mantra. I learned this meditation technique at a vipassana retreat near Kathmandu, Nepal, and it still serves me well.

    Meditation clarifies the difference between genuine pain and temporary discomfort. Genuine pain is a messenger of change. Temporary discomfort is a passing phenomenon we all experience at one time or another.

    It’s like exercise at the gym: it can be unpleasant and uncomfortable, even though you know it’s good for you. In contrast, some pain is like breaking an ankle. You have to take time to heal.

    In this sense, meditation is a guide to distinguishing between depression’s truth and lies. Depression tries to trick you: it lies to you (in the form of cognitive distortions like catastrophizing) while sometimes telling you the truth (the genuine pain that you’re in). Meditation separates the truth from the lies.

    Recognizing

    I relied on meditation to help me recognize the pain I was in. Not only had I run away from my depression, I had chastised myself for even feeling it (“you shouldn’t feel this bad”) then felt guilty for being depressed. Meditation cleared this fog of avoidance and guilt.

    It also taught me to stop trying to figure out my depression. Attempting to intellectualize how I felt was a fool’s errand. I had to recognize my depression in a visceral, bodily way.

    When a stove is hot, you pull your hand away so you don’t get burned. It doesn’t matter if the stove is gas or electric, or who turned it on. None of that information will prevent you from getting burned. It’s happening; the exact causes don’t need to be figured out to act accordingly.

    And this is exactly what meditation taught me: to focus on the sensations (breath, bodily discomfort, thoughts) instead of attempting to rationalize those sensations. That’s why vipassana retreats require you to surrender your books and journals. Experience the phenomena, don’t intellectualize them.

    Acting

    In the end, my thoughts were just excuses. When my lease was up, I told myself, I’ll quit in six months after I get my bonus. When I got my bonus, I told myself, I’ll quit in six months when my lease is up.

    Once I stopped attempting to reason with myself, it became clear that I had to quit. My depression had lied to me before, but it wasn’t lying this time.

    I’m not recommending recklessly quitting a job without a plan. I had to sublet my apartment and figure out my finances before I left. But my depression had led me, finally, to make a decision.

    Then I had to take the leap. As I told my boss I was quitting, I felt a strange combination of anxiety and exhilaration. I shook.

    I left New York City. I remember sitting at the airport and deleting my work’s email app from my phone. It sounds like a millennial’s cliche version of catharsis, but deleting that app felt immensely freeing.

    I’m still in the process of letting myself be sad sometimes, and I doubt that process will ever truly end. I’m still on medication. But the gray filter over my life has lifted.

  • 5 Life-Changing Realizations About Fear and Anxiety

    5 Life-Changing Realizations About Fear and Anxiety

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” – Isabel Allende

    I was lying on the sofa in my tiny flat in Vienna.

    My feet were elevated on a cushion and the room was spinning in a brisk waltz around me. My stomach was cramping and cold sweat was trickling down my spine. I gasped for air whenever choking fear forced my racing heart to skip a couple of beats.

    The situation was all too familiar.

    Back then I suffered from generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety. I was also plagued by severe toilet anxiety, which is a fear of needing the toilet when none is available. As a consequence, I had panic attacks several times a week.

    So, I knew exactly how to stop the agony. I fumbled for the phone and dialled my friend Eva’s number.

    “I am sorry,” I said. “I must have caught some kind of bug; I’m quite unwell. I will have to cancel for this evening…I know! It is a shame. I was so looking forward to seeing you again and meeting your friends…Yes, next week would be lovely! I’ll be in touch!”

    As I hung up, a welcome wave of relief washed through my body as the panic slowly subsided.

    I would have loved to see the conclusion of the Lord of the Rings trilogy on the big screen.

    But what if no aisle seat would have been available? What if I would have had to sit in the middle of a row and needed the bathroom? What would the other people have thought if I squeezed past them, profoundly apologizing, while ruining their movie experience?

    Furthermore, I had never visited that particular cinema before. I would have to take the underground at night. What if I was mugged? And I had never met the two friends Eva planned to bring along. What if they thought I was a bore or a jerk for needing the loo every ten minutes?

    I was convinced I had made the right decision. I would just stay on my sofa, watch comforting repeats of Friends and be safe.

    No fear, no anxiety, no panic. All was well again.

    Until it hit me.

    I was a hostage of my fear! It dictated what I could and couldn’t do. It confined me to my comfort zone and denied me dreams and aspirations.

    I was never free to pursue fun adventures or meet new people. I was handcuffed to my sofa, my familiar daily routine and the nearest toilet facility.

    And when I attempted to escape, I was hit with a merciless panic attack that left me stunned and shivering back where I was safe. On my sofa, in my little flat. Right where I sat in the dark on a December evening in 2003 and wept.

    For being a victim, for being a prisoner, for being weak and scared. For not having a life.

    And it was right there on that little sofa that I decided I had enough. I would take control over my life, I would claim the right to choose. I would finally live.

    It was a long journey. A lot has changed since then.

    And I want to share what I have learned in the past thirteen years.

    Because for me, overcoming or defeating my fear was impossible. It always fought back with a vengeance. I had to find a different solution.

    Realization #1: Fear is not the enemy.

    After that life-changing December evening, I started to research. I read countless books, took courses, and attended seminars. I needed to know what caused the constant fear and how to stop it.

    I had always perceived fear as a menacing, painful, and crippling hostile force. A life-sucking alien parasite. An uncontrollable beast.

    But I soon discovered that fear can be both healthy and pathological.

    Healthy fear is a vital physiological reaction that has guaranteed survival of animal species for aeons.

    When confronted with a dangerous situation, adrenaline and other hormones accelerate breathing and heart rates. Blood pressure increases, muscles tense up, and blood is redirected to the arms, legs, and brain. The body prepares for fight or flight, to either combat the threat or flee from it.

    A healthy fear response lasts as long as the dangerous situation that provoked it persists. It then subsides until the next trigger restarts it.

    However, when fear is triggered by generally harmless events like a trip to the theater, meeting new people, or a car journey, it becomes pathological. The fear designed to save your life is now destroying it.

    But why was I terrified of so many innocent situations that other people wouldn’t waste a thought on? What had gone wrong?

    Realization #2: My pathological fear was linked to low self-worth.

    I soon realized that my anxiety and panic attacks were a direct result of my lack of self-worth.

    You see, when you suffer from low self-worth, the world becomes a menacing place.

    Subconsciously, you believe that you don’t deserve happiness, so you constantly expect a catastrophe. You are terrified of the future because devastating tragedies happened to you in the past and you were too powerless to prevent them.

    You feel under constant pressure to outperform, impress, and achieve perfection because you don’t feel worthy of other people’s love and respect. Yet, you mistrust your abilities and always feel that you are lagging behind or winging it. And you are horrified people might uncover your darkest secret, that you are a fraud.

    Hence, you incessantly agonize about making mistakes and worry that other people might disapprove of you and your actions. You don’t believe in yourself and your ability to cope with life. So, you doubt your decisions and fear the potential consequences. And you are paralyzed by the thought of any change.

    You feel overwhelmed, stressed, cornered. You perceive your whole life as a threat. Fear and anxiety have become permanent features.

    Because you believe that you aren’t good enough in other people’s eyes. Because you don’t know that you actually are worth personified. Inherently, infinitely, and unconditionally so.

    You are worth, even if you aren’t a fun socialite who makes friends easily. You are worth, even if life overwhelms you sometimes. And you are still worth even if you pee yourself in public, because as embarrassing as it may seem, it doesn’t change anything about your true worth!

    I must have repeated the affirmation “I am worth” several hundred times a day for months. I now knew that, if I wanted to beat my fear of life, I first had to believe in myself. Only then would I feel confident enough to deal with everything that came my way.

    Realization #3: I feared fear itself.

    Once I started healing my low self-worth and gaining trust in myself and my abilities, it became clear that I wasn’t actually terrified of the movies, strangers, or my overactive bladder alone. I was also horrified of fear itself and all its unpleasant consequences.

    Have you ever had a panic attack? It sucks!

    And it is terrifying in its own right. The heart palpitations, the shortness of breath, the tight chest. You feel like your death is imminent and you are powerless to prevent it.

    So, you avoid the panic triggers. The problem is that when your main trigger is life itself, you cease to live.

    You minimize social interactions, you stop making bold plans for the future, you stick to your daily routine that keeps you safe. Your thoughts revolve around your fears and how to keep them subdued. You cohabitate with a fearsome beast, tiptoeing around it so it doesn’t awaken and swallow you whole.

    This was my life, constantly and unrelentingly. Until one day I decided to slay the beast.

    Realization #4: Fighting the fear made it worse.

    Every time I felt fear arising, I cursed it, screamed at it, and commanded it to leave now and never come back. But my beast didn’t take these insults lightly. It defended itself and the panic attacks escalated in frequency and intensity.

    I felt like a pathetic failure. I wrecked my mind for new ways to overcome the fear. I tried what felt like hundreds of techniques and tactics to battle the fear. But they never worked and the fear increased at an alarming rate.

    I know now that the fear multiplied because I focused on it. My attention was zoomed into my fear and how to defeat it, and so, subconsciously, I produced more and more of it.

    The beast grew and I was about to surrender myself to be its prisoner for the rest of my life.

    Until my mum rescued me.

    Realization #5: Making friends with fear disarms it.

    “Why don’t you name it?” she said.

    I was stunned.

    “You have tried to fight it,” she continued. “Maybe it’s time to befriend it. Talk to it. Tell it that everything will be okay. Let it know you are there for it. And listen to its concerns.”

    I thought the idea was ridiculous. But I was willing to try anything. I was desperate.

    So, I named my pathological fear Klaus. It was the first name that popped into my head.

    For a while I just observed what he had to say. He was a deeply troubled individual. So insecure, so worried, utterly paranoid.

    Then, one day, I started to reason with him.

    If he said, “I don’t think we should try a new restaurant. We might hate the food. And it is change. Change is bad for us,” I replied. “Change is good, it makes life fun. And if we don’t like the food, we just order something else next time.”

    Of course I felt bonkers for talking to my fear like it was a small child. After all, I was talking to myself (not out loud, mind you)!

    But it worked! Klaus understood. He was open to the suggestion that life as a whole wasn’t dangerous and began to embrace the new paradigm.

    All he had ever wanted was to help me and keep me safe. He was a true friend. Even if he had been slightly misguided in his efforts to help, I found he was open to change.

    Almost ten years later, while I studied Eckhart Tolle’s teachings, I understood that by naming my fear I had stopped identifying with it. I felt the emotion, but I no longer was the fear. The fear didn’t define me and I could finally start to free myself from it.

    A Life Without (Pathological) Fear

    Klaus and I spent several years together. He would warn me, raise doubts, and advise caution whenever I stepped out of my comfort zone.

    But I was determined. I kept reminding myself that I was worth, that I was able to cope, that I was strong.

    I started to do one scary thing a day. Small things at first. A different route to work, going for a walk without immediate toilet access, or asking a complete stranger for the time.

    Klaus wasn’t happy. But I continued to explain that we were okay. That change was a positive part of life, that the world was a safe place and that we deserved to be happy.

    After a while, his objections became less frequent and he remained quiet for longer periods of time.

    And finally, in June 2008, as I boarded a plane to Barcelona to present at an international conference in front of hundreds of strangers, I realized he was gone. Without notice, he had left and I wasn’t scared of life’s experiences any longer. The pathological fear of life itself had dissolved.

    I still sometimes fondly remember my friend Klaus. But I never heard from him again. I hope he is well.

    As for me, I moved to the UK by myself and met new friends (who didn’t think I was a jerk). I am married and have a lovely little daughter. I travel, work with clients, and lecture students without worrying or overthinking.

    The cold sweats, anxiety, and racing heart of a panic attack are now a distant memory. And I can enjoy a family day out without obsessing over the location of the nearest toilet.

    I finally live, liberated, on my terms. I am free.

    And I sincerely hope that my story will help you claim your own life. Because you deserve happiness too.

    Stop beating yourself up, befriend your fear, and believe in yourself! I know you can do it!

    You are worth!

  • The Healing Power of Self-Care in a World of Chronic Stress and Anxiety

    The Healing Power of Self-Care in a World of Chronic Stress and Anxiety

    “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” ~Lao Tzu

    I’ve always lived with a low hum of anxiety in the background, and lately it’s been harder to keep a lid on it.

    There are a lot of things to be anxious about these days. We live in a complex and stressful world and anxiety is very common, affecting upwards of 20% of the population. Some experience manageable levels; for others, anxiety and chronic stress can be debilitating and self-destructing.

    Truth is, we have good reasons to be stressed out. We work too much; we don’t take enough time off; we’re constantly plugged in and “on” yet are more disconnected than ever before; many of us struggle financially; our healthcare, education, and political systems don’t support us. We truly face many challenges and struggles every day.

    So how do we help ourselves ride the inevitable storms that come our way? How do we handle daily ups and downs without getting swept up by emotions and reactions?

    We’ve always understood that we need to make our health and well-being a priority. Replenish first and replenish often.

    But we have to take care of ourselves on a physical, emotional, and mental level. Body, mind, and soul.

    In a World of Anxiety and Chronic Stress, Self-Care Matters

    Let’s first define self-care.

    Self-care is an active and conscious choice to engage in activities that nourish us and help us maintain an optimal level of overall health. It basically means making healthy lifestyle choices and implementing stress management strategies.

    Self-care is not a new concept. We’ve known for a long time that eating well, exercising, maintaining good sleep habits, and eliminating smoking and drinking are all critical in maintaining good health.

    What’s new is the holistic approach to self-care that goes beyond taking care of your physical well-being. It’s looking at mental health, emotional health, social engagement, spiritual well-being, and of course, physical care as a basis for it all.

    That is the kind of holistic approach we all need to take when thinking about effective and all-encompassing self-care.

    Unfortunately, Americans are hardly practicing any self-care.

    • One in four Americans has a mental health disorder, of which one in seventeen have a severe mental illness. Many of these disorders go untreated.
    • Eighty-one percent of Americans do not exercise enough.
    • More than one-third of Americans are obese.

    So what’s the problem? Well, it’s complicated. Lack of money, lack of time, lack of resources, lack of awareness… It seems overwhelming, I know (pun not intended).

    But we don’t have to completely overhaul our lifestyle in one day, not even one year, to make a substantial difference. Remember, a journey of thousand miles starts with a single step.

    We just have to take that one step forward right now.

    Can you adopt one healthy habit today? Or perhaps, you can eliminate one unhealthy habit from now on? Can you give yourself a gift of a single healthy activity you can commit to doing on a daily or weekly basis?

    My Self-Care Journey

    When I first decided to take charge over my health, I didn’t know where to start.

    I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of things I needed to address: I didn’t sleep well, I worked too much, I suffered from chronic pain and depression, I was highly self-critical, I wasn’t exercising, I knew there was childhood pain that I had to deal with, I was overwhelmed trying to raise three little boys, and I was constantly anxious.

    I was miserable.

    I was unhappy, but I felt too disempowered to “fix” my life—there were just too many problems to tackle, too much to work on. At the same time, I knew I couldn’t continue to live like this.

    Something had to change.

    So I started small, with what at that time seemed like a doable practice…

    In 2011, I committed to daily gratitude journaling at bedtime.

    I simply wrote three good things that I was grateful for that day. It was something I could do in just few minutes, and it made me feel good.

    As I developed the habit of gratitude, my list grew longer and more detailed. In the end, gratitude journaling helped me curb my naturally negative outlook on life, added more optimism and perspective, and helped me sleep better.

    In 2012, I committed to eliminating yelling, complaining, and criticizing.

    This was the next step in curbing my negativity and promoting a more positive mindset. While this wasn’t easy to do and I stumbled a lot initially, over time my attitude changed dramatically, improving all of my relationships in ways I couldn’t imagine (including the one I had with myself, since there was now less fuel for self-blame and feeling guilty).

    In 2013, I committed to making art every day.

    This has been my passion that I’ve neglected for years but craved immensely.

    Doing something for myself just because I enjoyed it was an act of self-love. It brought creativity and play into my life, taught me that mistakes are not such a big deal, gave me a voice that I’ve lost as a busy mother, allowed for self-expression, improved my self-esteem, and in the end was truly healing. (Art is therapy!)

    In 2014, I committed to mindfulness and healing my emotional wounds.

    The pain of the past was still there, and it would pop every now and then, showing up as anger, depression, and fear. I decided to finally tackle it with journaling and mindfulness.

    Ever since I started my gratitude practice, I realized journaling was helpful in making sense of feelings and events, processing my emotions, gaining perspective, and simply letting things go by pouring them out on paper. (Yes, I’m old school!)

    Mindfulness helped me through my emotional healing journey by recognizing, allowing, and accepting my internal experience with presence and compassion.

    Journaling helped me integrate and process my past and present events and feeling, and ultimately became my top self-therapy tool.

    Dealing with suppressed emotional pain was extremely hard, but in the end self-empowering. It freed me from reactivity and emotional high jacking, led to more inner-peace, and accelerated my healing journey of self-love and self-acceptance.

    In 2015, I committed to daily meditation and journaling practice since both were so instrumental and transformational in managing my emotions and well-being.

    I wanted to be more present to life and build a solid foundation for my future.

    Meditation and journaling further deepened my self-awareness; helped me to slow down and recognize negative patterns I needed to work on; taught me how to respond instead of react to life; allowed me to process my present pain and experiences and gain clarity and perspective; eased my anxiety; and improved my attention, empathy, and listening skills.

    In 2016, I committed to weekly yoga.

    I’d tried yoga before and didn’t like it at all. But now I was a changed woman and I craved to reconnect with my body and align my body-mind with my spirit. I also needed to move my body, and yoga offered a relaxing way to do just that.

    It taught me to listen to and respect my body, and ultimately take care of it better (which led to better sleep habits, drinking more water, eating cleaner food, and limiting processed and toxic stuff). It helped with pain and inflammation, flexibility, and body-mind-soul integration. Yoga makes me feel good, whole, and peaceful. I am home.

    A lot has changed in those last six years. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and continue to make daily. Yes, it was hard at the beginning. Creating new habits can be hard, so it’s important to go slow and not get discouraged if you slip up. Pick one goal and commit to it with all your heart.

    Some self-care activities will come easily; I love doodling, walking my dog, listening to relaxing music at bedtime, journaling, reading, taking long baths, hiking, and taking bike rides with kiddos.

    Some habits will be hard to put into practice. For me, as a victim of childhood abuse and neglect, meditation was really hard. So I started with only two minutes a day, lying down. Today I can sit for twenty to thirty minutes with ease.

    There are still days when I don’t feel like going to my yoga class, but I will myself out the door, no matter what. I know it’s good for my mind and my body.

    You will have to push yourself often, but stick with it. You’ll literally wire those new habits into your brain, and it will get easier. The payoff is worth all the work.

    I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m better, healthier, and more peaceful and present.

    I’m dealing with instead of running away from my anxiety. I’m managing instead of suppressing. And there’s much more inner peace, balance, love, and acceptance in my life.

    I’ve killed my inner critic (for the most part), and I’m more in tune with my mind, my body, and my heart than ever before. My relationships have improved, and I like my life, even though it’s still hard sometimes. There are still many challenges I have to deal with, but I feel more empowered and in charge than ever before.

    You Have to Find Your Own Path 

    Your self-care plan may look completely different from mine. It might mean spending more time in nature, taking up running, or ending a toxic relationship. It may mean quarterly juicing, getting a monthly massage, or knitting. It may be developing a new hobby or quitting smoking.

    The beautiful thing is that you are in charge. You and only you know what’s most nourishing for you right now, and what you need to be doing to feel healthy and balanced. You get to decide how to nurture and care for yourself best!

    Don’t put off self-care for later. Later will never come. We have to make time now for what’s important, and self-care needs to be your priority. You are worth it!

  • 6 Questions to Help You Love Yourself More When It Feels Impossible

    6 Questions to Help You Love Yourself More When It Feels Impossible

    Sad painting

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    In 2012, self-love became the most important thing in my life. After self-loathing and addiction led me to rock bottom, there was nowhere to go but up. When someone asked me last year how long I’d been on the self-love journey, I counted back from 2012. That’s when I thought it began.

    In my old journals, however, I recently found something strange and incredible—my self-love journey started long before I thought it had. Years prior to hitting rock bottom, I’d been having the same epiphanies: I need to love myself, I need to stop trying to get other people to love me, I need to be kinder to myself.

    Yet those epiphanies wouldn’t last. In fact, I habitually forgot about them as I returned to my “normal” back then—anxiety, depression, self-judgment, social anxiety, and a host of addictive behaviors that helped me escape these uncomfortable states.

    Strangely enough, when my suffering was at its worst, few people could have said that self-love was the problem. I had an outward facade of ironclad self-confidence. Most people thought I loved myself too much.

    Yet my journals tell another story. It is a story of not only silent suffering but also accidentally ignoring all my attempts to heal that suffering. Even though I was chronically self-sabotaging, I was also trying to help myself along the way.

    In a Facebook comment to one of my other posts on Tiny Buddha, someone wrote, “A lot of truth in this, but I’m so tired of the thing about loving yourself. Nobody has ever written about how this happens when you don’t feel that way. It sounds so simplistic—just love yourself first. Great, still no answers!!”

    It might be ironic to give an even more simplistic answer to this, such as “Find the answers within you.” But I think it’s important to note that there is a difference between simplicity and ease. The most important lessons in life really are simple—love yourself, find your own answers, know yourself. Yet implementing these lessons is a lifetime job full of tears, fears, and uncertainty.

    The truth is—the answers are within you, just like they were within me. It’s just a matter of discovering them and implementing them consistently.

    Your answers are within your experience. But they aren’t filed into neat folders. They’re scattered in every moment between alarm clocks, worries, and errands. They’re also not labelled by which questions they answer. You might get a bad feeling about something and that could be self-love, but it could also be fear.

    So, instead of answers, I’d like to provide some questions. Your relationship with yourself is unique and your answers will be unique. And the answers will keep changing. You can ask these questions every day, and that wouldn’t be too much.

    1. How can I better understand this experience?

    One sentence that I found frequently written in my old journals was, “Why does this always happen to me?” I said this about periods of depression as much as relationship patterns.

    When I asked this question, I wasn’t looking for an answer. My biggest mental health breakthrough was learning to genuinely ask that question. No, really, why do I always end up alone when I most need people? Why do I sometimes experience overwhelming periods of depression? Thus, I started to learn important things about myself.

    I learned that I had a tendency to never take breaks, strive for perfection, and burn myself into the ground. I also learned that I had a way of pushing people away to “test” if they’d stick around. Seeing these patterns was painful, but much less painful than believing I was broken, unworthy, and doomed to being alone.

    When you’re in the middle of criticizing or judging yourself, take a moment to shift your focus toward understanding.

    Instead of trying to fix your emotions or your reactions, how can you understand them better? What are your feelings trying to communicate to you? How can you acknowledge these messages?

    Instead of beating yourself up for saying or doing something, how can you get a more holistic perspective on your motivations for saying/doing this thing?

    When you make a conscious decision to be more curious about your experience, you will naturally stop resisting, judging, and criticizing it. The more you embrace each moment, the more you will be able to embrace yourself.

    2. Who am I beyond my behaviors, thoughts, and emotions?

    To be able to embrace the ups and downs of life without losing self-love, you must love yourself beyond those ups and downs. This is the difference between self-approval and self-love.

    Approval comes and goes. When you make a mistake, you might disapprove of yourself. This is healthy and normal. If you didn’t experience lulls in self-esteem, you might never learn from your mistakes and end up hurting others.

    Self-love, on the other hand, is something you need in each moment—especially when your self-esteem is low.

    When you don’t approve of your behaviors, ask yourself who you are beyond those behaviors. How can you accept yourself beyond the rollercoaster of day-to-day experience, so that no matter what those experiences are, you continue to think of yourself as worthy of existing?

    3. What do I need right now?

    Each day, ask yourself what you need. Like this, you can begin to nourish yourself. You can also begin to understand some of the side effects that you experience when you don’t meet your needs. Once you feed your hunger, you’ll better understand your symptoms of starvation. This can lead to profound self-forgiveness.

    Especially when you are trying to break bad habits, you can ask which needs you’re trying to meet with those habits.

    Every single self-harming action, even if it hurts you deeply, also serves you in some way. Maybe your unhealthy habits make you feel comfort, control, or even help you gain attention. The need behind each behavior is always valid, but some behaviors are more sustainable and healthy than others. By acknowledging your deeper needs, you can make a plan to consciously meet them in a healthier way.

    One thing I’ve discovered that I need is movement. I have so much energy in my body from day to day. I didn’t realize this for a long time because I expended that energy on chronic anxiety.

    When I realized that I could use my energy to be physically active, my life changed. My anxiety levels plummeted. I formulated a completely different relationship with my body. I also got a new perspective on my long struggle with eating disorders, smoking, and addiction.

    I had a basic need to control my body, to influence my physical state. I still have that need. The only difference is that, now, I’m making conscious choices about how I’m going to meet it.

    4. How can I give myself what I need?

    Once you discover what your needs are, you can begin to anticipate them and fulfill them.

    Simply to acknowledge your desires is half the work (especially if they are different from those of the people around you).

    The other half of the work is asking yourself, every day, how you can meet your needs. The key is to foresee your hunger and feed it before you feel starved. This way, you can avoid relapsing into those desperate self-destructive habits.

    5. How can I acknowledge the needs that I can’t yet meet?

    Let’s say you discover that you need more alone time than you thought. And suppose you discover this while living with four roommates. Chances are, you will not be able to meet this need overnight. However, self-love isn’t a report card on how quickly you’ve fixed your problems. It’s simply the practice of having a kinder relationship with yourself.

    You can acknowledge your frustration and your desires before taking action to address them. You can comfort yourself and assure yourself that you are going to do something about it. Remember how you’ve felt better when other people have reassured you. How can you give that kind of reassurance to yourself?

    6. How can I take responsibility for myself?

    One thing that might interrupt your journey of self-nourishing is waiting for someone or something else to save you.

    You might acknowledge your need for appreciation, but instead of taking action to meet it, you might tell yourself a story about when it will come.

    You might tell yourself to wait until some promotion, accomplishment, or event. Thus, you can lose out on valuable opportunities to love yourself.

    Start to pay attention to which needs you aren’t meeting because you’re putting them into the future or into other people’s hands. And ask yourself how you can begin to meet that need right now by yourself.

    —

    We all long to have someone be attentive to us—to really care about what we’re going through and how to make it better.

    The most beautiful part of learning to ask and answer these questions on a regular basis is this: your longing will finally be fulfilled.

    You do not need to wait for someone to make you feel like you are worth listening to and caring for. Your savior has been waiting in the mirror all along.

  • Anxiety Comes from Wanting to Control the Future

    Anxiety Comes from Wanting to Control the Future

    Wanting to control the future

  • When It’s Hard to Trust: 5 Reminders to Soothe New Relationship Anxiety

    When It’s Hard to Trust: 5 Reminders to Soothe New Relationship Anxiety

    Couple ice skating

    “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    “I’m happy. That’s all you need to know.”

    These were the final words I spoke to the first person who ever broke my heart and nearly broke my spirit along with it.

    He came into my life unexpectedly, and with a ray of light so radiant it uplifted me and gave me hope in the midst of a dark and challenging year. But after only a few short months, that light burned out as he cast me aside quietly, slowly, for reasons I will always struggle to fathom.

    The emotional struggle and plethora of mistakes I made in the aftermath of that separation was profound.

    I lost weight, cried more than any one person should cry, maintained a painful and dysfunctional involvement with this person, full of blurred lines and manipulation, found myself being referred to a psychiatrist I could barely afford to see, stopped reading books, stopped taking care of myself, lost myself, gave parts of myself away, and eventually made an honest attempt to pick myself up off the ground and do the work of getting my life back together.

    It wasn’t easy. It took months of heartache and grief that ultimately came to a head when this person said something very cruel to me after I tried to express my pain and disappointment to him, thus twisting the knife deeper into our damaged relationship. After that incident, I became fed up in all the ways I needed to be.

    I minimized contact. I placed my time and energy elsewhere. I made a point to get out at least once a week and do something that made me feel happy and good about myself.

    Things began to look up, and my heart began to heal. I was taking steps in the right direction, but I still had a painful attachment to him that I couldn’t seem to break. Until, on a typical and fortuitous afternoon, I met someone else.

    Although I didn’t immediately recognize him, I eventually remembered that we went to high school together. I also remembered that he had a crush on me in tenth grade, although I later learned that it lasted for years more than that and his affection ran much deeper than the average high school crush. So when he saw me again that day, his feelings resurfaced and word got around to me about it.

    After our first date, I could already feel the chapter with my ex coming to a close.

    I had someone wonderful right in front of me—someone who set the standard for how I wanted and deserved to be treated, someone who saw and believed in my worth from the moment he laid eyes on me a decade prior, someone who taught me to let go and let be.

    And although love was the very last thing I was looking for at the time, I was nonetheless given the flash of insight I needed to make emotionally healthier choices.

    “I’m happy. That’s all you need to know.”

    And I was happy. I was happier than I’d been in months. But what I didn’t reveal was that I was also anxious and full of doubt.

    Escaping a toxic and dysfunctional relationship and entering one full of promise and longevity can be challenging. There’s a sense of collateral damage. There’s a sense of unease and defensiveness.

    The nature of my new relationship was different and better in every way, but I still found myself thinking, feeling, and acting out in ways I knew were unhealthy, likely making my partner feel as though he needed to fix me.

    After the initial newness wore off and the relationship progressed into something stable and exclusive, I put him and perceived shortcomings under a microscope.

    When he told me how great and special I was, I thought he was exaggerating. When he was having an off day or didn’t shower me with a steady flow of attention, I turned resentful and passive aggressive. When he expressed his desire to spend a lifetime making me happy, I broke down in tears of fear that he would disappoint me.

    Every day I feel almost entirely certain that it will be the day he realizes I’m damaged goods and he’s wasting his time. The slightest trigger will leave me feeling anxious and discouraged, and the slightest misunderstanding will leave me feeling defensive and ready for impact.

    No matter how many times he convinces me that he loves me deeply, is doing the best he can, and wants to be with me for as long as possible, I can’t help but poke holes in his words and actions.

    Perhaps it’s a defensive mechanism. Perhaps it’s a fear of my own flaws. Perhaps it’s an ugly scar.

    My last relationship broke me down and chipped away at my ability to trust. It wrecked my heart and my mind. It instilled thought and behavioral patterns that have proven to be difficult to break.

    Because of my past, the relationship I’ve always dreamed of having has fallen under unnecessary stress. And although my partner has yet to complain about it, I know that if I don’t work on reprogramming my mind and adjusting my behavior, our connection will eventually suffer in ways that can be so easily avoided.

    If you too are suffering from new relationship anxiety and trust issues planted by a past relationship, you may need these five essential reminders that have helped me on my own journey.

    1. Your current partner is not your ex-partner.

    It can be tempting to compare the two, whether internally or aloud, but it’s important to remember that your new partner is an entirely different person waiting to play an entirely different role in your life story. Don’t give your past a single reason to sabotage your future or dirty up a perfectly clean slate.

    2. Pause before you react. 

    This is a hard one for me, but before you assume anything or unduly react to any type of perceived conflict, pause and reflect on where your thoughts and feelings are coming from. Could insecurity, fear, or trauma be at play? Is the conflict real or imagined? 

    Being preoccupied is not the same as ignoring you. Making a lighthearted and harmless comment is not the same as intentionally trying to hurt your feelings. Showing frequent love and affection is not the same as using you for personal gain.

    Separate your emotions from your ego, and consider the rationality of your behavior before you react or respond to anything.

    3. Expectation is the root of all disappointment.

    Keep your expectations in check. When a relationship goes south, we often tend to carry residual expectations and disappoints into the next one. If you experience disappointment over something your partner said or did, ask yourself what you expected them to say or do instead. Then consider whether or not that expectation is fair and justified.

    For example, expecting your partner to listen to your concerns and honor your needs is fair. Expecting them to read your mind, wait on you hand and foot, or make you the center of their world is not. Unfair expectations can poison a relationship if you don’t strive to recognize and release them.

    4. Fix yourself before trying to fix your partner.

    Be mindful of your tendency to project your flaws and insecurities onto your partner.

    Projecting is a common mistake in many relationships because pointing the finger at the person closest to you is easier than turning it to yourself and being honest about whether or not your own internal dialogue is the actual source of the problem.

    Before you decide to change something about your partner, consider what you might need to work on within yourself.

    5. Trust is the glue that holds it all together.

    I can’t even tell you how many times my partner has stressed the importance of trust after a misunderstanding or moment of doubt and insecurity on my end. Time and experience has taught me that trust is vital to the success of any relationship, but it’s something I clearly need to work on after years of being hurt and misled.

    While trust may not be an easy thing for many couples, it helps to remember that if your partner is someone worth being with, they will never give you a reason not to trust them.

  • Anxiety, Your New BFF: How It Can Help You If You Let It

    Anxiety, Your New BFF: How It Can Help You If You Let It

    Anxious man

    “Be grateful for whatever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” ~Rumi

    Anxiety—a frequent, uninvited visitor.

    It hovers; it comes and goes. It underlines. It overpowers. It stops you in your tracks. It pursues you as you run away.

    My anxiety’s appearance is often marked by a buzzing, electric-charge energy. I used to jokingly compare it to a predatory yellow jacket. They used to terrify me. Since I was stung too many times, this insect was definitely not on my list of BFFs.

    Once I was driving my then seven-year-old daughter and her friend to school when a real-life yellow jacket began to buzz in the enclosed car space. It looked fierce and angry and armed with a vicious stinger.

    Repressing my panic, I pulled the car over.

    “Okay, girls, there’s a yellow jacket in the car. I’m going to open the doors and we’ll all exit quickly!”

    My daughter’s friend Evie remained in her seat. With a quiet calm, she extended her finger, beckoning the insect to alight upon it. When it did, she welcomed its arrival with a smile and escorted it outside.

    The yellow jacket flew off.

    “All you have to do is treat them nice and they’re your friend,” Evie informed us. “I love ‘em.”

    Years later, I awoke one morning, the alarm of anxiety resounding in my ears. Unlike my phone, I couldn’t shut it off. Hearing the buzz of worry and gloom, I dreaded getting up to face the day.

    Then I heard something else. A buzz. But this wasn’t coming from me; it was a yellow jacket flailing against my nightstand.

    With mindful attention, I was able to escort the tiny creature to the window so it could fly away. The momentary connection with an insect and the cessation of the buzzing noise was a gratifying experience. Plus, the bug did not sting me.

    I wondered, what if my anxiety were something I could “treat nice”? My usual approach is to eliminate or ignore it.

    What would it take to befriend my anxiety?

    What did it take to befriend a yellow jacket? Mindful caution and courage (they do sting), and a challenging compassion. A calm patience. 

    Maybe I could treat my anxiety as my BFF.

    Isn’t a best friend someone who reminds you of your past mistakes and helps you avoid a re-run? A friend encouraging you to take time to treat yourself better? A cheerleader excited for your success?

    Over time I have discovered that anxiety can do that for you, if you’re willing to change your perspective. Below are a few examples that may surprise you.

    Stop, Listen, and Engage

    One of my closest friends was coming for a visit. We had a no-plan of fun, a goal of aimless walking around the city. I had spent the morning alone, writing and finishing up paperwork. All of it enjoyable productivity.

    Getting ready for her arrival, I noticed an underlying stream of anxiousness. To be honest, I was furious that anxiety arrived during this completely stress-free moment.

    Remembering my vow to welcome anxiety as my BFF, I began to ask “her” questions.

    What are you anxious about?
    I just am.
    That was too broad a question, so I became more specific.

    The apartment looks fine but are you worried it’s not neat enough?
    It’s not that.
    I noticed that the reassurance calmed her down a bit.

    Are you worried that we have no specific itinerary?
    No.
    I smiled at the immediate response. Neither one of us is a planner.

    I’m dressed, but I could put a little makeup on, would that help?
    Maybe.
    I did, it helped. But there was more.

    Sitting down, I took a few breaths.

    Can you explain what your nervousness is about? I waited.

    In a rush, a torrent of talk tumbled out.
    It’s too much. You were quiet all by yourself and now you have to go out and do noisy things.

    A light bulb went off. I saw the issue.

    It’s about transitions? You find them challenging?

    The clarity of the Aha! burst open in a single word:
    YES!

    Transitions, in any degree, represent change, which requires special attention. My habitual response is to move fast, to move without thinking, to move on now!

    That doesn’t work for me anymore.

    I summed up where I had been (quietly writing alone), where I was going (a walk in Manhattan with noise and bustle).

    But above all, I checked into where I was NOW in the moment, which was not being able to connect the two.

    A few minutes were all it took to regain serenity and gratitude to my BFF Anxiety. She had highlighted something I’d overlooked my entire life.

    While your own inner dialogue may differ, it is possible for you to stop, listen, and engage in a conversation with these inner anxious voices.

    It Doesn’t Have to Be a Big Deal

    Sometimes, your anxiety is only asking for acknowledgment. A few breaths to clear your mind and give you more oxygen, a sympathetic word, or a short walk outside may be the answer.

    I have a client who gets a manicure to ease her spirits. When her mom was in hospice, she had them done. “I know it may seem superficial, but I have fond memories of my mother doing my nails for me when I was little and feeling sad. I look at my hands and feel like at least one thing in my life is okay.”

    Short-term solutions to anxiety’s sudden appearances can go far to alleviate symptoms of unease.

    Warnings to Watch

    There are moments when a deeper dialogue with anxiety is required.

    A friend had what seemed to be the perfect relationship. Sexy and smart, her boyfriend had a good sense of humor, enjoying his work and life. Together, they were happy, but separated, my friend’s anxiety skyrocketed.

    She decided to focus on the nature of her anxiety and began a focused inquiry with this energetic.

    “I wanted him to be the one, but I was the one making unconscious concessions. So I stopped and listened to what my anxiety was reporting back to me.”

    Rather than eliminate or ignore her anxiety, she took a hard look at what was actually going on. She didn’t feel seen in this relationship. Her desires were overlooked, and, worse, they were de-valued if brought up. Her boyfriend was subtle about this exchange, as he could be quite charming. But my friend felt out of the loop.

    She ended that relationship and started dating someone else. When, once again, Anxiety appeared, she was flustered. Taking on the premise that anxiety is her BFF, she listened. This time the message was different.

    As it turned out, she needed to proceed more slowly, as she was suffering from relationship PTSD. In actuality, there was excitement about this new prospect.

    Don’t your human best friends nudge you to practice self-compassion, encourage you to take risks, and then cheer your success?

    Anxiety can do that as well.

    Looking at Your Lifestyle

    A client came to me for an acupuncture session. “Everything’s going great. My career has skyrocketed, my family is fine. But most mornings, I can barely get out of bed; the anxiety is that strong. I can’t figure out why I’m a wreck when I should be so happy.”

    Going into further detail, it came up that he was sleeping barely four hours a night, overdosing on caffeine throughout the day, skipping workouts, and having a few drinks at night to offset the coffee. While his life was exciting, it was not sustainable.

    We devised a plan that was workable.

    He came in the following week, his anxiety diminished. “I’m good, but I’m in shock,” he reported. A colleague had dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of forty-five. “The timing is bizarre, and yet I have to look at what role anxiety plays in my life. I want to listen better.”

    It’s not that you have to become a purist Spartan, but being aware of your relationship with your physical body and how that corresponds with your anxiety (another relationship!) is a key factor to your overall health and peace of mind.

    You’re Not Alone

    Life is scary at times. Tragedies, death, loss, rejection—suffering surrounds us.

    When experiencing these challenges, anxiety can show up in full force, adding to the overwhelm.

    If you listen, you will hear what you can do to buffer the harshness of events.

    Perhaps the mere recognition of the situation’s gravity can bring relief. Maybe a few gentle considerations can change the terrain. Maybe you need support from others.

    Maybe you need to get your nails done.

    As a BFF, anxiety can remind you to slow down and take care of yourself. To have compassion and empathy for yourself and others. To remember your aliveness and your capacity to transform.

    If you listen, really listen, you’ll hear what may help.

    Treating anxiety as a friend, the messages will come to you in a whisper rather than a shout. This invisible force will align with you, if you align with it.

    This friend may be an over-worrier, she may nudge you, she may even resort to scaring you. But this BFF (Badass Friend Forever) just may bug you enough to finally discover—and cherish—your magnificence in human form.

    What magical messages is your new BFF bringing to you?

  • 4 Things I’d Say to My Anxiety-Filled Younger Self

    4 Things I’d Say to My Anxiety-Filled Younger Self

    Drug user fear

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    As I sit here writing this, I’m just a couple of days away from my twenty-eighth birthday.

    It’s been a whole decade since an introverted, shy version of me turned eighteen years old and entered into the realms of what many people consider to be “adult age.”

    Back then, anxiety, specifically social anxiety, plagued me.

    At the time, however, I’d never even heard of anxiety, let alone considered that I may be suffering with this thing that could be termed a “mental illness.” Truth be told, I just thought I was a bit weird.

    I thought it was just who I was. And that the uncontrollable sweating whenever I left the house, the monumental nervousness before having to go into any social situation, the sick feeling before making any phone call, and the continual worry of what might happen in the future was just an annoying part of me that I’d have to live with for the rest of my life.

    The decade that followed, though, brought some huge life lessons. I graduated from college, got my first full-time job, left said job, started several businesses (failing at most), became obsessed with health, nutrition, and fitness, met the love of my life, and traveled to various parts of the world.

    But around eighteen months ago, I left the personal training business I was miserable in and became obsessed with spirituality, personal development, and understanding my own brain.

    I wanted to know why I’d been on this journey so far, yet still felt completely worthless as a human being and filled with panic about what people thought of me or what might happen in the future.

    It was during this time I did monumental amounts of reading, inward reflection, and deep inner work in order to truly get to know what was going on inside of me. I got to understand who I was and connect with myself at a level I didn’t previously think was possible.

    So as I sit here now, ten years on from my eighteenth birthday, I’d like to share four things I’ve learned over the past decade and would want to say to that anxiety-ridden, nervous, and severely introverted version of myself if I ever got the chance.

    1. Be unashamedly all of you.

    Part of the reason I was feeling all this anxiety and emptiness inside was that I had this belief that I somehow needed to be more than who I was. Like I wasn’t good enough as me in any present moment, and so I needed to add on external things in an attempt to bridge that gap.

    Deep down, at a subconscious level, I felt that I wasn’t worthy of love or attention without chasing all this stuff that was outside of myself. The degree, the job, the business, the pay bracket.

    As I attached my entire worth as a person to all this external stuff, I created a world full of anxiety for myself.

    I got anxious about having to converse with people, for fear they would figure me out as a fraud or someone who didn’t have everything together. And my desperate looking to the future for a time when I did have it all together would cause regular panic when something even slightly compromised my ability to get there.

    The irony here is that by never feeling “enough” or “worthy” and trying to gain these external things in order to be more than I was, I was actually shrinking my real self.

    The real me wasn’t showing up in the world, and I was holding myself back from everyone and everything. Bringing just a miniscule percentage of the greatest version of myself into every situation and moment. And that’s just not fair to me, or the world.

    So the first thing I would say to my eighteen-year-old self is to stop trying to be more than you are, and just unashamedly be all that you are at any given moment.

    2. You get to create yourself.

    One of my greatest fears as an eighteen-year-old, and for a good number of years following, was that I would be this incredibly shy and anxious person for the rest of my life.

    In fact, I don’t suppose it was really a fear at the time. More a simple acceptance and frustration at the fact that I’d been dealt this hand of someone who always had a knot in his stomach, struggled to hold conversations, and was perennially labelled “the quiet one.”

    If I’m honest, it caused me to really dislike and become irritated with myself. It was overwhelmingly frustrating to see other people make their way into social circles and progress in life seemingly with relative ease. Yet here I was, having to calm down and prepare myself for the simple act of making a phone call to book a dentist’s appointment.

    This all just became a part of my identity, just who I thought I was and a part of me I assumed I just had to live with.

    At some point along the way, though, I came to the realization that I was choosing to keep this social anxiety as a part of my identity. Maybe not on a conscious level, but certainly on a subconscious one.

    I discovered that by facing up to what was going on inside my anxious head, no longer trying to push it away and suppress it, and challenging the negative thoughts floating around, I could create a blank slate of sorts, to assume an identity without all the anxiety.

    In short, a person’s past does not need to dictate their present or the future. There is no “hand” we have been dealt. And so we get to create and choose into who we want to be in any given moment or phase of our lives.

    3. Life doesn’t have to look a certain way.

    For so long, I had this grandiose illusion that everything had to look a specific way.

    I believed the “correct” path in life, whatever that meant, was already there for me, and if I veered from it, something terrible would happen. In my mind, everything was filled with “should” and “should nots” around what life was supposed to look like.

    I should have a good schooling, a degree, get a good job, behave this way, do this, do that; it’s bad to do this, it’s good to do that; I should fall in line with everyone else.

    Of course, I’m not saying we should go against the grain all the time. There are some aspects in life where it’s probably a good idea to fall in line. The concepts of not judging people by the color of their skin or not being a serial killer are pretty good examples.

    But to just accept that everything needs to look the way society, the media, a religion, teachers, school, or even your parents tells us is not necessarily serving us best.

    All this did for me was create anxiety. I had a path in my mind, and if anything threatened me falling off that path then, in my head, I would be castigated from society, nobody would love me, and my whole world would cave in.

    It was as if I was constantly on the lookout for things that could move me away from how things should look. The result was being in an almost perpetual internal state of worry, panic, and dread.

    But why do things have to look a certain way? Just because a direction, path, or way of thinking worked for one person, doesn’t mean it will for anyone else.

    This is when I realized it was perfectly okay to challenge convention. To investigate different ways of thinking without the whole world judging me and everything falling apart. And that it was perfectly healthy, even necessary, to figure out my own path.

    4. Learn to love the darkness.

    This was something that took me a while to truly understand and accept. But when I did, it created a monumental amount of inner healing and peacefulness.

    We all have dark parts of our past. Some maybe have darker parts than others, but that doesn’t make them any more or less valid.

    For a long time I wished those dark parts weren’t there. I would look into my past and feel frustration and resentment for those dark parts that caused so much pain.

    I’d look into this darkness and think about how it shouldn’t be there. That it was wrong and bad it existed, and because it did, I would be judged if anyone found out; therefore, I wasn’t worthy of being happy.

    In reality, every moment in my life, the good and the bad, was part of a vast sequence of events that led me to this very moment. We need the darkness in order to experience light, up to experience down, and sadness to experience joy. Without one, the other cannot exist.

    Of course, deep wounds take time to heal. I’m not saying we should all be able to click our fingers and instantly love every aspect of the past, regardless of how traumatic or painful.

    But opening up to the idea of letting go of resentment and frustration, and appreciating dark moments in the past for what they really are, is such a powerful step. They don’t define us, and they don’t need dictate who we are. They have given us the opportunity to harness this very moment and unleash the amazing things that are inside us on the unsuspecting world.

    —

    What would you tell your younger self if you had the chance to speak with them?

  • How to Stop Worrying: 5 Things to Try When Nothing Else Works

    How to Stop Worrying: 5 Things to Try When Nothing Else Works

    Calm woman

    “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” ~Mark Twain

    If you’re like me—a worry prodigy from a young age—you hate when people say, “Don’t worry about it.” As if it were so easy, as if I hadn’t already tried.

    I’ve used many of the tips and tricks out there. Some of them helped for a while, but few did much for long.

    The trouble is, most of the advice out there only addresses the symptoms of worry. It’s like taking cherry-flavored cough syrup when you have bronchitis: tempting, and probably the most palatable option, but not likely to do any lasting good since it doesn’t address the real issue.

    I’ve been a worrier ever since I was seven years old and slept with my covers over my head because I was afraid that foxes and burglars would attack me at night.

    What I’ve learned over the years of working with worry—a nice way to phrase it, though it could also be described as obsessively thinking, planning, and catastrophizing, forgetting to breathe, and grinding my teeth—is that resisting it only makes it grow stronger. In order to find freedom from apprehension, you have to get to its root.

    So here are five things you can try if you’ve meditated, said your positive affirmations, and smelled your grapefruit (yes, it’s a thing) and your worries still haven’t gone away:

    1. Get curious about why you worry.

    As I got older, I began to notice what a big drain worry was on my time and energy. I saw how it never helped me feel stronger, more innovative, or more able to respond. I also began to read about all the negative impacts it has on our health and well-being. So naturally I started to worry about being worried.

    A much better response would have been to get curious about why I did it. Because we all get something out of worrying or we wouldn’t do it.

    In my case, I realized that I do it most when I feel powerless. The act of worrying helps me feel like I’m doing something, like I have some sort of control over an uncontrollable situation.

    Worry can also distract us from even scarier parts of our lives, or from our own intense emotions. And it can help us feel like we’re protecting ourselves and what’s important to us just by thinking about them. Though worrying can’t actually change anything in reality, it can promise to help us feel more empowered and secure.

    We worry because we think it helps. When we see what worry promises, we can also see clearly what it fails to deliver. Without this clarity, letting go of worries can feel too scary for most of us to attempt. With it, we can find new, more effective ways of dealing with uncertainty in a world where so much is out of our control.

    2. Feel your fear.

    In some ways, worrying is an attempt to avoid what you fear, which is really an effort to avoid fear itself. Feel the fear, and the worry becomes unnecessary.

    I experienced this recently when I had the idea for a novel. For the first couple of months, everything was great. I kept getting ideas, writing them down, and feeling more and more excited about the project.

    And then when I decided to actually start writing the novel, I had a breakdown. Suddenly I couldn’t stop thinking about the story line, going over and over it in my head, worrying that something was wrong with it, and trying to get it right.

    Every spare moment I had, I was in my head trying to solve this imaginary problem. I couldn’t relax, I could barely sleep, and I certainly couldn’t write.

    Finally it occurred to me that the reason I was worrying so much was because I was terrified. I experienced what felt like a huge rejection of my writing when I was young, and it devastated me. This was the first major project I had attempted since then, and part of me was scared that the same thing would happen all over again.

    Once I became aware of it, I felt a tidal wave of fear waiting to wash over me. And though part of me wanted desperately to avoid it, I knew I needed to let it in. So I did.

    It wasn’t pleasant. Fear can be very uncomfortable, and we avoid it for a reason.

    But similar to storm clouds that look dark and sinister on the horizon, once the feeling actually arrived on my shores, it washed over me like rain. I was reminded that fear is really just a bundle of uncomfortable sensations that I can handle. And then it’s gone.

    When you let yourself feel your fear of whatever outcome you’re trying to avoid, it loses its power over you.

    The best way I know to do this is to name your fear, exactly what it is that frightens you. Then you can let yourself feel it, by sitting quietly, or dancing it out, or moving and noticing where you feel it in your body. If you can let it be there, knowing that it’s temporary and can’t harm you, you can free yourself from the need to distract yourself from it with worry.

    3. Do what you can.

    Too often we try to get rid of our worries without truly understanding them. The problem is, worries are kind of like toddlers: when they aren’t listened to, they get louder. When they aren’t listened to for long enough, they throw a tantrum.

    Our worries are really just trying to help us. They can usually point us towards something worth paying attention to, so it’s worth listening to them.

    You can do this by asking yourself:

    • What feels like it’s at stake here, and why is this important to me?
    • What does this worry want from me?
    • How can I address this concern in a way that feels good to me?

    In the case of my fears about writing a novel, I realized that the worry was trying to make sure that I wasn’t hurt or disappointed again. It wanted to protect me from possible rejection. It felt like my entire self-worth was at stake, that if I failed, I would know with certainty that I had nothing of value to offer the world.

    The worry wanted me to protect myself. It wanted me to make sure that what I did was so good that it couldn’t possibly be unappreciated.

    These realizations led me to do two things: first, I reminded the part of myself that was scared that though there will be people out there who don’t like what I write, there are a lot of others who will. Nothing appeals to everyone, and though disappointment hurts, it’s also temporary. Regardless, there’s always value in what I create from the heart, and my worthiness doesn’t depend on the result of one project.

    And secondly, I committed to going slowly. Part of myself felt very scared, so rather than push myself out of my comfort zone all at once, I resolved to take baby steps and give my vulnerable self time to feel it out and adjust.

    I also promised myself that I would only share it when I was ready, and would start with the people and communities who were most likely to appreciate it. When I did this, I no longer felt the need to obsess about the story.

    Sometimes listening to worry’s hidden wisdom and taking action on its behalf is enough to convince it to lay down its arms.

    4. Accept the worst.

    This is easier said than done, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to undercut worry.

    I had to do this big time when I made the decision to get married.

    At the time, I was so worried about making a mistake that I could barely think about anything else. (And just to be clear, this had nothing to do with my lovely husband-to-be. I was so scared of committing at the time that I could have been dating Prince Charming and I still would have had doubts.)

    It was only when I came to terms with the fact that our relationship might not last forever that I was able to stop worrying and take the plunge. Don’t get me wrong—I sincerely hope that we’re happy together ever after, but I also know that we may not be. And that’s fine. Splitting up would be painful, difficult, and sad—and I also know I would survive and ultimately be okay.

    Many of the things we worry about (failure, rejection, embarrassment, inconvenience) are pretty much just temporary challenges when you get down to it.

    But even for those things that are more painful or permanent, there is a way to accept them and know you’ll be okay. No matter what happens, you’ll have options for moving forward. Other people will always be there to help. And regardless of what goes wrong, you can count on all the incredible internal resources you have (compassion, loving-kindness, wisdom, strength, intelligence, resilience, humor, joy) being there to support you.

    Being willing to accept anything isn’t easy, but it’s an incredibly powerful way to find more equanimity and peace.

    5. Practice trust.

    The idea of trusting the universe used to give me a rash.

    It seemed to me that it was hard work, foresight, and copious amounts of worry that held everything together in my life. I believed that if I relaxed at all, things would fall apart.

    But eventually it dawned on me that as capable and amazing as I am, I do not single-handedly hold the world together. I began to notice how other people grow my food, trees create the oxygen I breathe, and the sun provides me with lots of light and warmth everyday, all without my involvement.

    What’s more, I realized that if I’m being honest with myself, most of the good things in my life didn’t happen solely because of my own foresight or effort. Sure, I contributed to many of them, but they also required a lot of luck, happy accidents and coincidences, and forces outside of my control.

    Recognizing this, I began to be willing to experiment with turning my troubles over to a force larger than myself. When held thrall in the throes of worry, I would remind myself that it wasn’t all up to me to make something happen.

    I would recall all the help I’d ever gotten over the years and all the things that turned out well. I would think of all the things I was grateful for, most of which were out of my control, and then I would visualize placing my problem in the hands of a universe that had supported me so well up to that point.

    And then I would do my best to let go and think about something else. (This is when meditation and other calming techniques worked really well.)

    Much to my surprise, the world didn’t fall apart when I did this. In fact, the outcomes were often much better when I turned things over than when I tried to fix everything myself. Even better, the more I turned over, the calmer and freer I felt, and the more I began to trust.

    Trust, it turns out, is the ultimate antidote to worry. And we don’t have to be born with it to use it—it’s possible to build trust in ourselves and the universe through practice, one worry at a time.

  • When Fear and Panic Win: How to Deal with Anxiety

    When Fear and Panic Win: How to Deal with Anxiety

    Panicked man

    “Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once. Breathe. You’re strong. You got this. Take it day by day.” ~Karen Salmansohn

    As much as I believe that you can move through fear to do whatever it is that you want to do, sometimes fear wins.

    Sometimes, try as you might, you can’t push yourself forward. You retreat, worn, battle scarred, banged up, and with your tail between your legs.

    You wave your white flag. You surrender.

    Fear wins.

    But it is in this moment of loss that you can learn some very important things.

    Let me explain.

    Earlier this year, a friend invited me to a play. Looking forward to it, I got dressed, ate lunch, and headed out to take the train.

    On the train to the show I had a panic attack.

    Sometime along my teen years, I developed a phobia called emetophobia (the fear of throwing up). It manifests itself most often as panic attacks, usually in confined spaces like trains. It had been better for years, and that day on the train the panic came back.

    Through sheer grit, distraction, and tears I made it to the theater, pulled myself together. and tried to pretend that I was okay (to my friend and to myself).

    We made it to our seats in the top row in the corner and panic began again. About five minutes into the show, the panic returned, and all I could do was hop out of my seat and book it down the steps and out into the hallway.

    I tried to wait it out. I went to the bathroom, paced in the hallway, went downstairs, but I couldn’t go back inside. I sent a text to my friend to tell him that I wasn’t feeling well and needed to go home, and then I left, absolutely defeated.

    Still feeling too anxious to get in a moving vehicle, I decided to walk, or rather I just started walking. I walked almost 1.5 miles (or 2.4 kilometers) home wearing heels. About halfway home, I called my mother to tell her what happened and began to cry hysterically.

    What a sight. Fear had won. I had lost.

    Shame, disappointment, and self-hatred poured into my psyche from all angles.

    “What’s wrong with you? You’re defective. You’re unlovable like this. You’re a failure. How can you write about fear when you can’t even master your own?”

    My mind hurled insults faster than I could catch them, and by the time I got home I was so exhausted that all I could do was go to sleep.

    After I woke the next day and in the weeks after, I began to journal about my experience and speak to people about what happened.

    I learned some things that have made a profound difference in how I experience and deal with anxiety now and I’d like to share them with you.

    1. You are not alone.

    The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that 18% of adults in the United States experience an anxiety disorder. That’s at least 50 million people! And when you add in what’s likely to be similar rates around the world, that figure grows even more.

    When you’re struggling with fear, it’s easy to feel like you’re alone and no one else goes through what you go through. Anxiety is way more common than you think, and while it’s sad that it affects so many people, you can use that knowledge to lighten up on any judgment you make of yourself.

    2. With that said, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

    Fear, anxiety, and panic don’t make you defective or broken; they make you human. When I experienced a panic attack, I would find myself feeling ashamed. Like I was wearing a scarlet letter, branding me as a worthless person.

    Ever notice how people who suffer from a physical challenge like arthritis or poor vision or a broken leg don’t often feel ashamed about their condition? It’s just something they’re dealing with. They are not lesser people because of it. It’s the same with fear-related struggles.

    There is nothing wrong with you if you struggle with fear, anxiety, or panic attacks. It’s just something that you’re dealing with.

    3. Sometimes fear wins, but it’s how you bounce back that matters.

    If I’ve learned one thing thus far in this journey of life, it’s that there’s always something to work through. This means that while you might be accomplished in dealing with fear in one area (for example, I’ve developed the ability to go to social events by myself, in spite of fear), you might come across other areas that you want to work on, and that’s just life.

    The power comes in recognizing this, acknowledging that you’ve had a setback and then picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and trying again some other time. In that way, fear may win a small skirmish, but not the long-term battle.

    4. Sometimes fear wins, but it’s what you learn that matters.

    Again, fear doesn’t win for long or at all if you learn something about yourself or life through the process.

    When I panicked on the train and at the theatre and immediately went into self-hatred and judgment, I realized just how much I was loving myself with conditions. When things went well, I felt pretty good about myself, but as soon as I felt anxious, I snatched that love away.

    True self-love comes from accepting yourself as you are, not from waiting until you are perfect. It’s about loving yourself in spite of what you feel might be wrong, and not because nothing is wrong. Let those things that you find lacking in your life make you love yourself more.

    Learning to use the panic attack as a signal to love myself more has made me feel safe in my own body to experience whatever it is that happens to come up.

    5. And in addition to self-love, learn to treat yourself with extreme care and kindness.

    Pretend you’re dealing with a small child who is terrified. What would you do? Probably not yell, judge, or berate the child. You would likely give the child a hug, offer to buy them a treat, play with them, or try to make them laugh.

    Pretend you are that child. Give yourself what you would give that child. In many ways we all carry around our child self, even when we become adults.

    6. Who you have in your corner outside of yourself also makes a difference.

    Fear can be so isolating. It’s easier to retreat to the safety of your own known thoughts than it is to chance being exposed or judged by another. At least that’s what I used to believe.

    I now believe that fighting fear completely alone can be so much harder. Having at least one person in your corner who you can talk to about your fears and your bouts with anxiety can help you keep moving forward. Someone who can say to you the things that you have a hard time saying to yourself. Someone who is kind and caring and can help you learn how to be kind and caring to yourself by internalizing their words.

    7. And finally, panic feeds on running.

    It’s the running that makes things worse, so find ways to stay with what’s happening.

    I’ve been learning more about what happens in our bodies when we have a panic attack, and it’s essentially a fear-symptoms-fear cycle.

    You feel or think a scary thought. Your body responds with the fight-or-flight response, causing your heart to race, your breathing to quicken, your hands to shake, your stomach to feel weak. You interpret those physical symptoms as something being wrong and then you get more afraid, furthering the cycle, until you’re in a big panicky mess.

    The most effective way to deal with these feelings is to understand what is happening in your body, know that it’s not dangerous, accept that you feel those things without trying to push them away (being fully able to admit how much the feelings are uncomfortable), and then just wait and let them pass. In time, they inevitably will.

    As much as I resist this, I’ve since tried this approach many times, and while uncomfortable, I’ve seen it work enough that I’m convinced that there’s something to it.

    The more you can view your panic attacks as an opportunity to learn about yourself and practice unconditional self-love, the less you will feel like a victim in your life. And when you feel empowered to know that you can trust yourself to move through any scary situation that comes your way, in the end you will have won.

    I’d love to hear what you do to support your journey when fear and panic win. Please share your tips (or questions) in the comments below so we can all support each other!

  • When Thinking About Life, Remember This

    When Thinking About Life, Remember This

    Remember this

  • How Meditation Can Make You Healthier and Ease Your Pain

    How Meditation Can Make You Healthier and Ease Your Pain

    “If a person’s basic state of mind is serene and calm, then it is possible for this inner peace to overwhelm a painful physical experience.” ~The Dalai Lama

    When I finished graduate school I was a bright-eyed engineer with a fresh diploma in hand, ready to take on the world. I landed a great job at a multinational engineering firm and began my career working with people from all over the world.

    So it was a major downer when, not long into my new job, I began to suffer from chronic migraines. Every day I would wake up feeling fine, but within a few minutes I would feel so lightheaded I was convinced my head was going to float away.

    It wasn’t because of stress, though, just genetics. My mother, grandfather, and great-grandmother all had experienced similar issues with migraines.

    Lights. Noise. Crowds. Computer screens. They made me feel miserable.

    I was able to hide my symptoms pretty well from friends and coworkers, but I needed relief. My symptoms were not typical for migraines, so the doctors I saw couldn’t help much, and I didn’t have any luck with homeopathic remedies. My mother suggested I try meditation; it had helped her with her symptoms before.

    Meditation?

    Being an analytically inclined engineer, I was skeptical. To me, like many of us, meditation was something reserved for monks who wore funny robes and lived in the mountains, far away from the commutes and crowds and endless computer screens of the modern world that give the rest of us of headaches.

    But I didn’t have anything to lose.

    I started with one minute a day. And then two. And then five.

    The more I meditated, the better my symptoms became. There were setbacks, but in general my condition improved. After a couple of years, going to a bar or writing an email didn’t make my head feel like it was going to explode.

    I finally felt like my old self again.

    I wasn’t sure if the improvement was solely due to meditation, but my analytical mind wanted to know more about it, with the more facts and hard data the better. According to the studies I have come across, meditation can:

    1. Improve focus and memory

    A 2013 UC Santa Barbara study published in Psychological Science found that mindfulness training, including meditation, can improve our ability to focus on tasks at hand and recall details from memory.

    For those of us who have hectic jobs and find that our attention is constantly jumping from our mobile phone, to our desk phone, to our email inbox, to the person standing at our desk, or to the millions of other office distractions, a few minutes of quiet meditation in the morning can positively affect our critical thinking skills.

    2. Reduce stress and anxiety

    Research at Harvard Medical School found that meditation can physically change the brain’s amygdala, the portion of our brain related to stress and anxiety, and lower our levels of stress.

    This one might seem like a no-brainer (pun definitely intended); if we are quiet and still, we will be calmer. But for all of the skeptics out there, like myself, it’s reassuring to know that the anecdotal evidence of meditation reducing our stress levels now has physical changes to the brain as documented evidence to support it.

    3. Reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease

    A 2012 study published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality and Outcomes found that daily meditation can not only reduce stress, but can actually reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease as well.

    The patients in the study, all of whom had coronary heart disease, were divided into two groups: a control group, and a group that underwent a transcendental meditation program.

    Over the course of the multi-year study, the group that received the meditation training saw reductions in their blood pressures and stress levels, and had lower rates of heart attacks and strokes.

    Heart disease continues to be a global problem and could affect many of our lives as we age. But studies like these show that, in addition to the tools of modern medicine, we have one extra weapon in our arsenal to help improve our cardiovascular health.

    4. Boost our immune systems

    Another great benefit of meditation, at least according to a 2003 study published in Psychosomatic Medicine, is that it can improve our bodies’ ability to fight off disease and illness.

    During the study, a control group was compared with another group of participants who received meditation training. Afterward, the meditators were found to have a significantly higher number of antibodies in their blood compared to the control group, which help ward off disease.

    That means that regular meditation could help us get sick less often, giving us more time to have fun and be with our loved ones, instead of lying in bed and feeling miserable. Let’s remember that tip the next time flu season rolls around…

    5. Reduce physical pain

    According to a 2015 study by Wake Forest University published in the Journal of Neuroscience, meditation has the ability to reduce pain sensations in our bodies.

    During the study, patients who had undergone meditation and mindfulness training experienced less pain when exposed to hot surfaces than those who did not have similar meditation experience.

    This was also true for a group of “meditating” patients who had been given injections to chemically block their bodies’ natural production of opioids (i.e. our own internal painkillers), which kick in once we start to feel pain.

    The authors concluded that this has the potential to help mitigate chronic symptoms and reduce dependencies on prescription medicine, and that future work could help to determine the exact mechanism of how meditation alleviates pain.

    From my own experiences with daily migraines, I have full faith in the Wake Forest results. For anyone else suffering from pain, a few minutes a day could make all the difference.

    —

    Meditation is no longer a mystical practice hidden behind the walls of Tibetan monasteries. It is being studied by some of the most respected health organizations in the world, which are now able to use science to validate claims that have been around for thousands of years.

    The physical and neurological benefits that meditation can provide make it a valuable accompaniment to modern medicine for curing or alleviating health problems. If you have been suffering from stress, or pain, why not try meditation? It’s natural and free.

    A simple way to begin is to first find a comfortable seated position. Keep your eyes and body relaxed, and focus on your breath. Try not to fight all the thoughts and chitter chatter that run through your head. They’re normal.

    Just observe them and then focus on your breath again once they have passed. Like me, you can start with one minute and then have longer sessions as you begin to feel more comfortable meditating. The positive effects you start to experience from daily meditation might surprise you.

    What is there to lose?

  • How High Expectations Can Lead to Disappointment, Depression, and Anxiety

    How High Expectations Can Lead to Disappointment, Depression, and Anxiety

    “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope

    I was sitting on the couch in my bedroom, at sunset, looking at the trees outside my window. I felt a profound sadness, frustration, disappointment, and desperation taking me over.

    While I was staring into oblivion, all my expectations came flashing to my mind.

    “No, this is not what my life was supposed to be. I was supposed to be successful. I was supposed to have my own house. I was supposed to be happy. What happened?”

    What happened was that I am part of the majority, not the exception.

    My entire life I expected to be the exception. I assumed that if I worked hard enough, I would succeed; if I did well in university, I would succeed; if I poured my heart and soul into something, I would succeed; my dreams could come true.

    I had become a slave to my expectations, and they were ruining my life.

    In my mind, things were supposed to be different. My great expectations were robbing me of happiness, because I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I didn’t have what I expected to have, and I wasn’t who I expected I should be.

    The truth of the matter is that there are few people out there who are lucky enough to be living their dreams.

    Most of us survive on crumbs of our expectations. We have a job, even if it’s a job we don’t like. We work from nine to five every day to pay the bills. If you’re lucky, you get to go on a vacation once a year, and for the very lucky, two of them.

    Statistics show depression and anxiety are on the rise. I am part of those statistics, along with 350 million other people who suffer from the same hell I do.

    How could depression and anxiety not be on the rise when we are constantly bombarded by repetitive messages that tell us about all the great things we can accomplish?

    Of course giving people high expectations is what sells. If beauty creams advertised their products by saying, “It will moisturize your skin and that’s pretty much it,” not too many people would buy the product.

    Marketing survives by raising people’s expectations. When the product doesn’t meet up with their expectation, disappointment follows. And so it goes with most things in our lives.

    Don’t get me wrong; I truly believe that dreams can come true. The point is that we shouldn’t expect it to happen. If it does happen, it will be a nice surprise. But if it doesn’t and we’re expecting it, we are likely doomed for disappointment and frustration.

    Of course it would be amazing if we could all live our great expectations, but we shouldn’t base our happiness and personal satisfaction on them, because there is no rule that says that we will all live to fulfill them. I know this might sound pessimistic, simply because it goes against everything we’ve heard.

    We read great stories of people who defied the odds and became a success, but we never read about the people who did their best and failed. Their stories never become motivational quotes and bestselling books, because they didn’t make it.

    We never hear their stories about how they put their heart and soul into something and failed, because that doesn’t sell books; that doesn’t sell conferences.

    Many motivational books and personal coaches survive by raising people’s expectations instead of focusing on finding happiness with what they already have.

    Of course meeting our expectations could bring happiness, but if we’re waiting to be happy for that to happen, we might be waiting a long time.

    Maybe you’re not Anna Wintour or Mark Zuckerberg, and you don’t have a million dollars in the bank.

    Maybe you’re feeling frustrated because parenthood didn’t turn out to be what you had expected (it’s tiring and demanding).

    Maybe your job is not fulfilling, and at one point you expected you’d grow up to be somewhere completely different from where you are today.

    I could sit here and write that you can change everything and you should fight to meet your expectation. I think you should, but you shouldn’t base you personal satisfaction and happiness on that.

    I’m here to tell you that it’s all right if you didn’t meet your expectations.

    Sometimes life throws curve balls at us, and for some reason or another life doesn’t go to plan. It doesn’t mean we have to stop working toward our goals; it just means that we can be happy regardless.

    Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we need to focus on what we do have.

    Capitalism shoves down our throats to strive for more, and we obediently follow, only to meet a brick wall and realize how frustrated we are for not being everything the system promised we could be.

    Millennials in particular are battling this problem harshly.

    We were sold the idea that if we went to college, got great marks, and did tons of unpaid internships we’d be destined for the stars. Instead, millions of millennials have a huge amount of debt from student loans and are finding it hard to find a job. I’m not even talking about their dream job—just a job.

    Did you know that millennials have the highest statistics on depression and anxiety ever recorded in history? That’s mainly because we expected to at least have the quality of life our parents had. But things have changed, and now we are not even close to what they had at our age.

    Our expectations were too high, and we live in a world where it’s harder to meet those expectations.

    It would have been a lot better to break things down to millennials in a realistic way, and if some of them got to meet their expectations, then good for them. But for the rest, we’d know that not all expectations need to be met for us to be happy.

    I know you might be reading this and thinking of all the expectations that you had that you didn’t get to live up to. Maybe you’re feeling frustrated and sad.

    The best and easiest way to be happy is to work toward our goals but never expect for them to become a reality. It’s a paradox. It’s the duality of existence.

    We need a goal and a dream to keep us motivated, but at the same time we need to not expect anything from life. That way, regardless of the outcome, we don’t become disappointed.

    I know it kind of goes against the motivational quotes we read, and it especially goes against the greedy perception that has been incrusted in our minds. We are taught to never be content with what we have and to always strive for more. But this greedy mindset is what has many feeling frustrated with their lives.

    I’m not saying that it’s good to get comfortable in mediocrity, but to push ourselves to be the best person we can be without expecting a great outcome. To do things because we love doing them, not because we’re expecting something.

    It’s like doing a good deed expecting a “thank you.” If the “thank you” doesn’t come, you become disappointed. If you do it regardless of the gratitude, you still feel content.

    It’s about being happy while working to be better, not by placing happiness on a goal. You find that happiness in your progress, in your daily life, in feeling grateful for the small things—for having food on your plate, a roof over your head, health, and loved ones to share your life with.

    It is about coming to terms with the idea that your dreams might not come true. Making peace with life—that even if it doesn’t allow you to fulfill your dreams, it has given you life, and life itself is a treasure.

    As the saying goes, happy people are not those who have the best of everything but the ones who make the best of everything they have.

  • How to Instantly Calm Yourself in Stressful Situations

    How to Instantly Calm Yourself in Stressful Situations

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~Viktor Frankl

    There’s a big lie we tell ourselves during stressful times.

    It keeps us feeling lost, afraid, and unloved, like we’re being picked up and carried away helplessly by a storm.

    Our heads can fill with scary images, words, and stories about the cause and who is to blame for our unwanted pain.

    Sound familiar? If it does, you’re not alone. You’re normal. This is how humans biologically respond to stress.

    So what’s the big lie?

    The big lie is that we have no control over our stress response. Actually, we do. A lot of control.

    I’ve struggled the hard way through my fair share of troubling times. I’ve experienced money and job issues, battled with health, and been pushed in challenging relationships.

    But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is I grew up a highly sensitive person, who would internally react to almost anything that could be interpreted as negative.

    Of the feelings above, I hopelessly sat at the “feel all of them” end of the scale.

    That was until a particularly trying relationship caused me so much stress and anxiety that I became sick of my unconscious reactions, and vowed to do everything possible to stop it (or make it easier).

    Through research and a lot of experimenting I created a practical way to calm myself down instantly anywhere, anytime, when a meditation cushion or reassuring book was out of reach.

    The technique was so simple and powerful that it pulled me through a harrowing experience in that relationship, and has held me together in plenty of experiences since.

    It’s easy to remember, has an instant effect on your mind body, and most importantly, is simple enough to be remembered and used when you’re going through the eye of your own stress storms.

    How to Calm Yourself In Two Minutes

    Take a moment right now to make yourself comfortable and try these four steps yourself:

    1. Freeze yourself.

    Remember the game you played as a child when you suddenly stopped mid-motion, like you were frozen in ice? Do that now. Halt your body parts, emotions, and thought processes. Think of yourself as a cartoon character that’s been hit with a stun gun. You can even make it a little dramatic if it helps.

    2. Focus on your index finger.

    (Skip to this if you find the first step difficult). For twenty to sixty seconds, concentrate solely on the back of your index finger. Let your mind and body be consumed by it.

    Bring it closer to you. Study the rivets, creases, and those tiny little fingerprint lines. If your situation is noisy, let the sounds around you merge into a single background buzz, and let it fade out of your attention.

    3. Take a conscious breath.

    Let go of your focus and check back in with your body. Take a deep, conscious breath in, then let it go through your mouth, slowly and calmly, creating a wave of relaxation that starts in your chest and floats out through your being to the surface of your skin.

    4. Look around consciously.

    As you re-integrate with your surroundings, scan the scene in front of you. Remain as indiscriminate as possible with what you focus on the way you would when waking up in the morning.

    Take conscious note of the thoughts that are trying to push back into your head and observe them with an attitude of curiosity.

    How do you feel?

    You might now feel a little more in touch with your senses, distanced from previous thoughts, and connected with the present moment.

    Most importantly, you’ll recognize that the root of your discomfort is your thoughts. Everything else, like emotions, and physical discomfort, and pain, start there.

    If you’re having difficulty slowing down the mind at the beginning, try this: If you meditate regularly, spend the last minute of your session focused on the same finger, in the same way. Doing this will associate (or anchor) the feelings of clarity, relaxation, and attachment with the action.

    And if you don’t meditate, it’s a great time to start! It will help with your ability to cope with stressful situations generally, and dramatically improve the effects of this technique.

    Why This Technique Works

    Stress is a mental or physical tension, and both manifest from your relationship to the procession of thoughts in your head.

    Mindfulness allows you to step out of the procession and watch it go past, without being carried down the fast-flowing river.

    When we get pulled down a heavy stream, our emotions and bodies react as if the danger or pain contained in the thought is real, immediate, and must be dealt with now. That’s why we feel discomfort even when someone reminds us of a stressful situation we were trying to forget.

    Reconnecting with the present reminds us that here is the only time there really is.

    Focusing on your hands is an ancient Ayurvedic practice that helps to ground the soul and provide stability in the physical body.

    Try It for Yourself

    The most important reason this technique works is it gives you something back—control.

    We may not be able to choose what happens to us in our lives, but as Viktor Frankl says, we can always choose our response.

    Give it a go next time you feel yourself panicking (and be sure to let us know how you go in the comments below).

  • Calmness Is Contagious, Even If You’re Faking It

    Calmness Is Contagious, Even If You’re Faking It

    Man meditating

    “Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

    We had just reached cruising altitude, and my friend and I were settling in for the eight-hour flight from Tokyo to Honolulu. Exhausted after spending the day in the airport, we were excited to finally be in the air with beaches awaiting us at our destination.

    Jered and I were on an adventure around the world flying with standby tickets to any destination that had open seats. Even though we had been trying to get a seat to Bangkok, then Sydney, then Seoul, then Frankfurt, and then Paris, all with no luck, we decided to take the only available seats on the last plane of the day.

    After getting comfortable we decided to pass the time by racing each other in solving our Rubik’s cubes (what can I say; this is what we did for fun). It turns out this odd hobby was about to help me on the road to improving my inner calmness.

    “BANG!” We hit sudden, unexpected turbulence from a winter storm. I only remember two things: my stomach squishing into my throat as we hit an air pocket and a little girl in the aisle flying to the ceiling.

    Thankfully, there was a nearby flight attendant who heroically jumped, caught the girl, and curled up on the floor before she got hurt. 

    The plane was jerking violently in all directions. People were screaming. The pilot was on the intercom saying something, but no one could hear it over the chaos.

    Throughout the maelstrom my friend and I stayed focused on our cubes, continuing to spin their sides as we attempted to solve them before the other could. While my exterior seemed calm and focused, in my mind I was screaming.

    My hands were clammy and it became harder to keep my hold on the plastic toy in my hands. I was afraid I was going to die.

    The worst of it was over in twenty or so minutes, but the flight was still rough for several hours. As the sun started to rise and the flight had been calm for a couple hours, passengers slowly started to liven up again, chatting with the people around them about the experience.

    Having spent the time focused on the cube in front of me, I was surprised when the guy sitting next to me said, “Man, I was freaking out. I was about to lose it, but then I looked over and saw you two just playing with those things. You two were so calm that it helped me calm down too.”  

    This struck me as odd since I felt the same way he did, just internally. But soon other passengers sitting around us around us started chiming in, sharing the same experience. It seems a wave of collective calm slowly rolled over the back of the plane helping to ease some of the tension.

    Without being aware of it, I projected calmness to the people around me. They in turn became calmer. And ultimately my internal fear started to fade away as well.

    It was a surreal experience, but it became clear to me that calmness was contagious, even if I was only faking it.

    In many meditative traditions a calm, clear mind is often said to be like a still pond under a full moon. The smooth surface is transparent, allowing the moonlight to clearly illuminate the bottom of the pond. It is also like a mirror, reflecting back in perfect detail the moon and the night sky.

    Unfortunately, however, our minds are not always clear. The surface is full of ripples that make it hard to see the bottom and distort the image of the moon. While these ripples are sometimes created by the wind or the environment, most of them are caused by rocks dropped into the pond; rocks created in our minds.

    These rocks are emotions like anger, hatred, or fear. Often without realizing it we are constantly throwing these stones into our ponds, never letting it return to stillness.

    Returning to a calm mind is simple. Just stop throwing rocks and let the waves calm down on their own. Despite this, we often try to calm our minds by throwing more rocks into to pond.

    Sometimes when I can tell my wife is upset with me, but tells me nothing is wrong, I start to provoke her, “What’s wrong? I know something is wrong! Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong!?”

    I genuinely want to calm things down but, as you can imagine, I end up making her feel worse because I continue to throw rocks instead of letting things calm down on their own.

    When we do stop throwing rocks, though, the effect can be powerful and lasting. As we are interconnected with others, the stillness of our mind, the refusal to throw rocks, can help others find the same peace.

    When people see that your mind is clear it helps them realize that they too can let go.

    I still think about that flight from time to time, but mostly when I’m flying. I used to be a fearless flyer, but even today I feel pangs of panic, that squirt of adrenaline down the back of my neck, every time a plane bumps or shakes.

    However, as I’ve increased my awareness of my own emotions, I can sense when I’m holding a rock and then I set it down.

    Here’s an exercise to try. Next time there’s something or someone causing you distress: stop talking. Pause and take a moment to take a few deep breaths. Begin to watch your thoughts and note the upsetting ones. Don’t ignore them, just notice them. These are your rocks.

    As you notice anger or hatred forming in your mind, imagine it as a rock. See yourself holding that rock, poised to toss it into your mind. But instead of throwing it, picture yourself gently setting it down beside you. Take a deep breath. Let it go.

    Practice this when you can. Not only does cultivating calmness have tremendous effects on your personal state of mind, you never know how big an effect you may have on the others around you.

    Photo by oddsock

  • Coping with Anxiety When People Aren’t There for You

    Coping with Anxiety When People Aren’t There for You

    Sad girl

    “People aren’t always going to be there for you. That’s why you need to learn to handle things on your own.” ~Unknown

    Anxiety is a box around your mind. It’s the cage in which your deepest worries start to pace, then walk, and gain momentum until they’re out of control.

    Once these worries and scenarios take off and hit the walls of this box, they’re trapped, and tension starts building.

    It can be an exhausting cycle of stress that you might think you have to face alone if you want to avoid opening yourself up to pity or rejection.

    You may think others will judge or stereotype you if they know about your struggle. Or, you might worry that if they do know, they’ll assume you’re either looking for attention or not doing enough to function like everyone else.

    Here’s the kicker: You don’t have to function like everyone else. When you struggle with anxiety, just functioning is something to be proud of.

    The absence of another’s approval or input when progressing can make you feel like you’re not making improvement at all. It’s hard to pull yourself out of an anxiety attack or downturn of emotions, and it can feel lonely when you think you can’t call on anyone, but there are times when self-reliance is your only option.

    Yes, this may happen. It happened to me, and it was my worst-case scenario realized.

    I lost people who I called on too many times for help, and I know I frustrated people by making unhealthy choices solely because I was anxious about the alternative options.

    I felt like a burden on the very people I would help in any way I could, if the situation were reversed.

    Relating to friends became a game of how normal I could act. It’s an extremely difficult way to live.

    Although it can be helpful to open up to someone who can support you, sometimes you need to admit to yourself that, in this moment, you must do it alone.

    Here are a few things that have helped me cope with my anxiety and the disappointments in my relationships.

    1. Recognize that some people won’t be able to be there for you.

    I started out the summer in a close group of my four best friends and ended it with a completely new social group and a long drive to a different country.

    It’s not easy to let go of friends you thought were going to be in your life forever, but it’s often necessary.

    Knowing when to separate is something I struggle with. I constantly think of what I could still have in my life if I had made different choices. But I know I made the right decision for myself. The best friends I look to now understand my struggles and uplift me instead of bringing me down.

    When you grow, the people you surround yourself with may change, but this is the best part of the process. As you meet new people and gain new interests, you’ll find individuals that you’ll connect with on a deeper level than you would simply based on who was in close proximity.

    Allow people to have a temporary presence in your life, and stop weighing yourself down with worry about whether that’s the right choice.

    Trying to maintain relationships that are exhausting or stressful, just because you don’t want to be lonely, will prevent you from finding relationships that provide the support you need.

    2. Forgive yourself.

    Often. Until you’re sure you’ve forgiven every mistake you’ve made and will make in this learning process.

    I often ruminate on possible mistakes I made until they become these catastrophically negative ideas about how others may see me.

    Learning to let go of the past and forgive all of these small slips has had a huge impact on how I am able to deal with daily anxiety. There’s enormous power in realizing that all of these small worries really are just that—small—and very few have an impact on the big picture of your life.

    There are many things I exaggerated in my mind through the past year that I realize, as I regretfully look back, weren’t worth the time I lost being happy.

    Yes, I made mistakes.

    I did things to follow the crowd and swallowed my opinions because I felt too anxious to speak my mind. I held my feelings inside because I worried about upsetting people, and as a result, jeopardized relationships with my family. I jeopardized my health for a few party nights. I called in sick to work because I couldn’t imagine working in such an anxious state.

    I forgave myself for it all.

    Forgiving myself isn’t a way to shirk responsibility for the apologies I should give, but when you’re on your own journey, you can’t depend on others to give you the absolution you’re seeking.

    If you give yourself love, compassion, forgiveness, and support, it will be easier to cope when others don’t offer you these things.

    3. Practice gratitude.

    “Interrupt anxiety with gratitude.”

    This quote has helped me more than any counselor or antidepressant has in the past.

    Anxiety causes the scenarios in my mind to become disaster scenes within moments. I might be thinking about an interview or an event I have to attend, or even simply a friend I have to meet, and instantaneously become worried sick about what could go wrong.

    Once again, starting small helped me work through my daily anxiety without another’s support.

    It really is about the little things in life.

    At first, I was grateful for the fact that the tap water I used to wash my hands wasn’t freezing cold on a winter day. I was grateful for my tea still being hot when I got to school. I was grateful that my hair wasn’t frizzy.

    But soon, it grew into more than that. It became “I’m grateful I have an interview to go to because it’s the possibility of a job.” It was “I’m grateful that I have an event to go to because it means people want me to be there,” and, “I’m glad I have to meet this person because I enjoy their mindset.”

    It healed “I’m worried you don’t love me” into “I’m so grateful that you are in my life.”

    Gratitude for the present moment allows anxiety to fall to the wayside. You choose to honor the positive possibilities rather than obsess over the chance of a negative outcome.

    —

    Through all of the trials anxiety will put you through, remember that your journey is your own. Yes, it’s helpful to have support, and we all deserve it. But you can choose to help yourself whether others do or not. So do it. Function. Happily. Independently. And confidently on your own terms.