I hope that has made it slightly clearer. I should not solely blame him but I do think my father had an impact on my choice in men in some sort of way. I don’t know. Maybe the therapy can help peice these things together.

Yes, this is definitely common for parental relationships to impact future romantic relationship choices. The good news is that if you are attracted to guys who are bad for you, this can be changed by working through your feelings with your therapist. Once dealt with and resolved, it should be much easier for you to then hold out for the kind of love you deserve, someone who treats you well.

Stay strong with your resolve when it comes to not seeing your ex, no matter how much your mind tells you it will make you feel better see or talk to him. Your past experiences have shown you this is is not the case, so remember those. Once you get through this hardest stage of the withdrawal and detaching, it should get easier for you. You deserve better than he can give you. Just keep reminding yourself of that whenever you start feeling weak.

Maybe even write in a journal the thoughts you have that say you should NOT be around him… anything that he’s done that’s made you feel bad or treated you in a way you don’t deserve… then read that journal every time your resolve weakens. It should help to strengthen it up again. Read it whenever he shows up at your work or wants to meet up with you before you respond to him.

Good luck at your job interview! You really do sound like you’re taking some great steps towards feeling better, and I’m sure those will help a lot, too! And we are always here to vent to whenever you need it! 🙂

Okay, let me ask you this…. what do you think it is that is making her depressed and upset? Is it the situation you two are in or something else?

Also, her jealousy is very clearly out of control at this point. Do you think it’s likely to get worse the more you continue the relationship or do you think talking to her would make her stop being so accusatory or suspicious? Because it definitely doesn’t seem to be getting any better yet. There is no reason she should have been calling you like that when she knew you were working (and it’s VERY common for those in fields like electricians and plummers, etc., to be called out on emergencies. Nobody wants their house to burn down or flood!), especially to the point where you felt like you needed to race home in a snowstorm. So no matter what you decide to do, that behavior has to change. It’s not at all healthy for either of you.

To me, this relationship as it is seems like it’s very toxic for both of you. If her depression is stemming from her feelings about the current situation, then wouldn’t it make sense that changing that situation would actually help her in the long run, after she gets over the initial pain?

Hi B,

You’re welcome! If I may ask… how did he get in contact with you again after you’d changed your number and moved?

I can understand where you’re coming from and why you feel that element is missing. It’s hard when you don’t feel close to apparent and especially when you feel that parent is abusive. That’s definitely something to work through with your therapist, too, especially if you’re still feeling resentment toward your father.

I think another thing you can also do that might help is read blogs and articles and watch videos on how to find that love within yourself. I know the idea of finding the love that you feel you need from another within yourself might seem weird, but it’s possible, and once you’re able to give yourself all of the love you need, you won’t be searching for it elsewhere, and it will likely give you the desire to actually back away from that unhealthy relationship because he will no longer offer you any benefit.

Maybe check out some of Kyle Cease’s videos. I went through a pretty devastating breakup a little over a year ago and figured out that I had quite a few fears and insecurities left over from rocky relationships in my past, and Kyle’s advice sort of helped me let go of that old story I kept telling myself and find what I needed within.

Another thing to do would be to accept that this man cannot give you the love that you desire, so attaching yourself to him (which is what you’re feeling now… an attachment) will not help you at all. I think it would help to read some articles and blogs on how to detach until you find something that really speaks to you. I also had to do this with my ex… I just Googled “how to detach from someone” and started reading until I figured out what might work for me and started trying different things.

Overall, though, be gentle with yourself. It’s an ongoing and sometimes slow process, so give yourself time and keep working on letting go of him.

He was acting very much into me from the beginning and I felt some of my bondaries were crossed. Also I don’t like that he wants to take a lead in our relationship as I feel pressure from his side. I am afraid that these are signs that he will be possessive and controlling further in the relationship. I don’t know if I should discuss my point of view with him or it’s he way he is and I should let him go. I know his father is controlling.

As far as I can tell, you have two options here:

1. If you really like him and it’s worth it to you, you could discuss your feelings with him. If he does not react well or does not understand how and why you feel this way, let him go. It’s possible he doesn’t realize that this is controlling behavior and isn’t okay but would be willing to make a change. I do find it odd that he feels the need to know where you are all the time, especially so early in the relationship, so I’d say that’s a red flag. It could be controlling or it could be him satisfying his own curiosity.

2. If your feelings are iffy on him and you’re not sure whether you like him or not, I would just let this one go. I agree with what Inky said in this case.

Well, if anyone gets how you feel, it’s me. I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot lately too, and I wish we were able to talk more. I feel like there’s so much I want to tell him (mostly just random non-relationship stuff. He was my best friend). I would love to send him a message, but I also know that doing that would throw me backwards and make me miss him more and start reading into everything he does and says, and I still think he needs to come to me if he’s ever serious about wanting to be in my life again…. and I think the same goes for you, too.

I totally get how frustrating this all feels and that it would be so much easier if you could just let go and get over her completely, and I also get the feeling of just having this sense that there’s more to the story… that you will be together again. And I think it’s okay to feel those things. I also don’t think it’s something people can understand unless they go through it themselves. It’s just a different type of love, very intense but also comforting and somehow intuitive, so it’s a hard thing to get over because, once you’ve felt it, it’s hard to feel happy with any other type of love relationship.

The key here is to be gentle with yourself. I’m expecting to have these thoughts and feelings right up until I either somehow end up back together with my ex or meet someone else who gives me the feelings that he did. The same probably goes for you, there, too. You can’t help how you’re feeling. It’s just how you feel. So instead of fighting it, just embrace the fact that you are still capable of loving someone even after they hurt you and that she gave you something you needed, and you’ll probably feel this way until you meet someone else who gives you that feeling you need. Sometimes acceptance of those things helps with some of the suffering because you’re not fighting yourself so much. You should still do your best to curb the thoughts and redirect your focus, but try not to get so frustrated with yourself when you do think about her. If you keep having a hard time curbing the thoughts of her and keep feeling frustrated, though, it might be time to see a therapist for help with that. Even just for someone to talk to. Just probably go to a different one this time if you felt like the last one you saw didn’t help.

I watched part of a movie this weekend on Hulu about a guy who gets invited to an ex-girlfriend’s wedding. He goes to it, but he’s still very much in love with her and spends the whole movie daydreaming and being sad and awkward, and it would be awful to be that guy.  So although you should accept your thoughts and feelings about her for what they are, it’s also a good idea to keep working towards seeing the situation for what it is at the current time and working on putting it in the past.

Wow! I think it really says something, too, that your daughter noticed that you’re more yourself when it’s just you and her and away from the house. Living in that situation is not helping you in any way, no matter how much easier it would be on your girlfriend if you could live together. Your home should be the place where you feel the MOST comfortable.

I also think it’s great that your daughter felt comfortable enough to come talk to you about how she was feeling and that you listened well, took her seriously, and gained insight from what she said. That’s a really good thing. It was BAD on your girlfriend’s part to try to say she is overexaggerating and just wants attention. I am so glad you didn’t agree. It’s hard for kids to talk to their parents about issues like that because they don’t want to hurt or disappoint their parent, so it is so good that you reacted to her the way you did and then took active steps to help improve the situation and that will really show your daughter how much you care.

I think that once you get out of this situation, if you take the time to focus on your relationship with your kids, really focusing on the love and attention you give to them and get from them, as well as fix any issues you feel like you want to improve about yourself, it will work wonders on how you’re feeling… and as a bonus, that kind of love and attention from a parent will really help to set them up to have good relationships in the future with other people.

I also don’t think you need to kick your girlfriend out the minute you say something, but she needs to know how you’re feeling so it will hopefully kick her into gear on finding a place to live and she won’t be expecting to just keep on living with you. And she may not like being at her mother’s, but if her mother has got extra rooms, that means your girlfriend DOES have a place to go, and being at a place that she doesn’t want to be living will likely spur her to work harder to get out of there.

I know you’re feeling very guilty, but remember that your girlfriend has also been playing a big role in why this relationship isn’t working out.

Your situation oddly gives me insight into my own, as well. I think clarity helps, too, when it comes to feeling better and letting go because it helps you to understand what really happened and that maybe it really was necessary at the time. I just know that if you want a true love to come into your life, you have to deal with your issues first and then make room for it. Without the space, it won’t come. Dating the wrong person takes up that space.

Hi Elizabeth,

I think, most of all, it’s important to be patient with yourself and the time it takes to feel better. I say give yourself at least a solid year to work through everything, possibly longer given the duration of time you two were together, but it may take even less than that. There’s no way to know, so just try not to get too upset with yourself for not being where you want to be emotionally yet. This stuff takes time, and it’s okay that you aren’t feeling 100% yet. You’ve been through a big ordeal.

It’s definitely good that your job is forcing you to be social though. Getting out and talking people has been proven to improve mood so I’m sure it’s doing you some good, even when you’d rather not interact with anyone. When I was first trying to get through my heartbreak, I’d often get out to see local bands play as much as possible because listening to live music makes me feel really good. Sometimes that would be the ONLY time I’d feel good. So if you notice that any certain activity makes you feel happy, try to do more of that, even when you don’t feel like it. And attention-wise, when you’re not ready to date yet (which is totally understandable in my opinion), just going out on the town, flirting, feeling that attention, and then going home and getting a good night’s rest works wonders. Also, fill a desire for attention in other ways, like by meeting new friends and deepening relationships with like-minded people (that you can meet if you find any hobbies you enjoy that meet in groups). I know that might not be something you feel like doing right now, and that’s okay, but it’s an idea.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Valora.