Hi Caz,

It sounds to me like you did absolutely the right thing by leaving him, but it feels wrong probably because you’re used to being around him, so not being around him doesn’t feel normal or right, even after 6 weeks. You really have been broken up for a short amount of time, though, especially compared to the amount of time you were together, so I say just give yourself some more time.  I think it’s normal to feel the way you’re feeling because you’re sort of trying to establish a new normal, and that rarely feels right at first.  As time passes, though, you’ll get used to not seeing or talking to him and it’ll likely feel more like you did the right thing, especially once you’re over the relationship and can find someone else who treats you more respectfully.

Hi Melanie:

This guy sounds like he was abusive and by blocking him, you showed that you will not tolerate abuse. This doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a smart person. You care about how you’re treated, and that’s so important. You likely feel horrible because blocking someone cold turkey under normal circumstances is seen as rude, but in circumstances of abuse, it’s actually healthy. By blocking without explanation, you are not allowing someone to abuse you any further, and giving someone an explanation might give them a chance to verbally abuse you one more time.

I say let the blocking be your closure. However, I also don’t think it would hurt to list his behaviors for him, like Anita mentioned, unless you think that would give him cause for him to pull you back in by promising to be different. If you think he would learn from what you say, it’s worth telling him, but if you think he’d brush it off and insult you further, I say just let this one go. Our minds think we need “closure” from other people in order to move on and feel better, but we really don’t. Blocking him was closing a door, and leaving it closed is closure. If you have things you want to say but you don’t want to speak to him, just hand write a letter on paper and then burn it… it can be a cathartic way to release feelings without having to speak to the other person.

Also, the hurt you’re feeling from this is likely a reaction from your ego. You want to be the ONLY one your partner finds attractive forever. It’s a blow to the ego to think he might find someone else attractive, so that’s why that hurts, but that attraction doesn’t say anything about his attraction to you. He clearly finds you more attractive than anyone else.

Thank you very much for your response Valora. Sadly this is probably how most men from my country think you’re supposed to get close to a girl. There was a study done that found that a majority of girls were coerced into their first experience.

I agree with what Anita said above. I am also so sorry that this has happened to you, especially what you described in the thread that you linked to. His behavior was not okay. Even if most men in your country behave this way, it still doesn’t make it acceptable or okay, and you do not have to accept it. No means no… and you should only have to say no ONE time, and they should stop immediately. Persistence past your “no” shows a lack of respect for you. Please do not accept a lack of respect. I think you should just stop talking to these men completely when they try to push you like this.

Hi Harry,

I am also wondering about what Anita asked, and in addition, what did she do for you?  The way it’s written, your relationship is looking very one-sided, with you giving up everything and doing all of these things to make her life better. Had she done the same for you as well or has it just always been you putting in all of the effort?

Either way, I would not be friends with her. I would stop talking to her completely. For one thing, she cannot miss you if you’re still always available and chasing after her. Also, if you cannot stop yourself from checking all of her social media, it might be best to block her until you heal a bit.

Your feelings of wanting to wait until you’re committed to each other are not at all unreasonable. If I were you, I would just be honest with him and tell him that you’re only comfortable doing sexual things when you’re in a committed relationship.  For one, if he’s not willing to wait until you guys are committed and pushes you away, it’ll show you he’s not the right one for you. He’s not as good as it seems he is.  If he is willing to wait, that’s a definite positive thing and shows that he cares about your comfort and feelings and is supportive, which are all great qualities to have in a man and should definitely be preferred over someone who is more worried about his own pleasure than his lady feeling uncomfortable. There’s no reason you need to do those things before you feel ready. So, if I were you, I’d just tell him you want to wait and see how he reacts.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Valora.

Yeah, I know it’s frustrating and it hurts, but sometimes people aren’t as invested as we’d like them to be, no matter how long we’ve known them. He might’ve had a lot going on that you didn’t know about that he didn’t feel like sharing that sort of made him less capable of dealing with other people’s issues. Or he could just be a jerk who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. There are plenty of those in the world, too. Either way, it sounds like it wasn’t a good friendship for you, so it would probably be better to just leave that guy in the past.

Hi Crawford,

You’re asking a bunch of different questions, so I’m going to quote them and answer below the quotes.

I know that i am responsible of how i feel but does that mean i dont have any responseibility over other peoples feelings?

No, you don’t have responsibility over other people’s feelings. They are going to feel and respond however they feel and respond, and there’s nothing you can do about that. You can tell them how their responses make you feel, but you can’t expect them to change based on what you would like them to do.

If i feel a certain negative feeling around someone and it makes me want to leave the person if it is not dealt with, is it my responseibility or both?

It’s your responsibility to let people know when they hurt you and your responsibility to leave if the behavior doesn’t change. It’s their responsibility to decide whether or not to change the behavior… but understand and be willing to accept that they don’t HAVE to change it. That decision is theirs and theirs alone. If you don’t like that they have decided to continue the behavior, it’s your responsibility to distance yourself.

If i feel someone is constantly in a positive bubble and cant accomodate for negative feelings in me, how can i adress the issue without blaming them for how i feel. In my perspective, i would have to confront them about it or let them know that i will have to leave them if it does not get resolved. This is my experience, i used to have a friend which i felt was stuck in positivity and never accomodating or taking negative aspects of others around him as part of himself. I was in pain but he could not take my pain as part of him and be with me as i am, feeling into me, being with me with the pain. This made me feel alone and that my pain was not valid, and i had to hide it to be able to be in the persons presence. I ended up confronting him about it whereas he acted as it had nothing to do with him at all, not showing me any kind of compassion or empathy. This made me leave him and our friendship. My question is, how to deal with negative feelings in relations?

I’m not sure what you wanted from him here. People can feel empathy without taking the pain into themselves. Were you wanting him to feel bad because you felt bad? I think the best way to deal with these sorts of things is just acceptance. I think it’s important to share how you’re feeling, which you did, and just as important to accept when someone feels differently. At the very least, you know that you should not go to this person when you are wanting to receive that type of experience. I think it can be sort of self-preservation/self-care to not want to take other people’s negative feelings and experiences in as your own, and it’s okay if he doesn’t want to have that deep of a friendship.

How much should we take into consideration others feelings as part of ourselves and in what ways are we responsible in relationship towards eachothers feelings?

We are responsible for setting our own boundaries and enforcing our own boundaries. We are not responsible for other people’s feelings. If someone comes to us and tells us something we are doing is making them feel bad, we should consider what they’re saying and whether or not changing that behavior lines up with our own feelings/beliefs. If it does, we can change it. If not, we don’t have to change it. It IS nice to compromise and change behavior sometimes, but not at the expense of our own self-care. He may not want to take negativity in because it affects him negatively, and that should be understood and accepted.

So, in that case, if the person decides NOT to change the behavior, it becomes up to the hurt person to decide whether they want to remain friends and just change the nature of the relationship, accept and deal with/look past the behavior, or distance themselves completely.