Yeah, I’m definitely not saying she didn’t love you, but something is different if she’s doing now what she wouldn’t do then. I don’t think you were cheated or fooled either. That makes it sound like her not saying that was intentional to hurt you and you were a victim, which I don’t think is true. I think it’s possible that you were just in a position that allowed you to love harder. I think it might’ve been the same with my ex and I. I’m generally happy with myself and although I have my issues, I am very capable of loving hard. My ex tended to jump from relationship to relationship and realistically wasn’t so happy with himself and my security made him feel insecure sometimes. That alone would make someone less capable of fully loving someone else, even though they did try and seemingly did love hard… it’s true that you have to love yourself before you can REALLY, truly love someone else. It’s possible your ex may just be happier with herself now so that might also be why she seems more open with the guy she’s dating, too.

The point is… she’s seemingly happy where she’s at now, she hasn’t tried to contact you in a while, so this present moment just has to be what it is.  And like I said before… it’s okay to hope. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as you just make sure you remain open to other possibilities. If she really has found a better match for her, that means there’s a better one out there for you, too. So just be open to either thing to come along, her or someone new, once you get out of your current situation and get your life back where you’re happy overall again.

I’m not sure what state you’re in, but is your girlfriend claiming on the forms that she lives with you? Because they make you name everyone in the household, so if you did split up, it’s likely she’d get more again if she was claiming you because that would drop the number of people in her household. At any rate, you can feel bad for her, but she still isn’t your responsibility. She is HER OWN responsibility. You are just going to have to be 100% firm with her, no matter how much you don’t want to and how bad that makes you feel… this situation is hurting both of you…. especially since your girlfriend is very clearly codependent. I don’t think there’s anything you can say to get her to leave willingly because she’s depending on you in a very unhealthy way. You are going to have to be the one to do it.

And, actually, if you’re still feeling like you would’ve been with your ex like your girlfriend is with you, that might mean you have so codependency issues in there, too, that need to be worked on and maybe that’s another reason why you’re having trouble letting your go. So that’s definitely something to look into, especially if you’re going to counseling… explore that with a therapist.

Actually… could you talk to your landlord?  Tell him you’re going to go live in your RV on your friend’s land because you need to split with your girlfriend but don’t want to leave her and her kids homeless and that if your girlfriend is forced to leave the apartment because she can’t afford it, ask for him to call you and you will come back in and take over the rent once she moves out?  That might be a way to leave without forcing her out of the home and also giving her a chance to keep it, but if she can’t, you will still then have that place to live and you both won’t end up losing the place? Something to think about.

I have the same feeling about my ex, too, but the important thing is to recognize that it may just be wishful thinking creating a “gut feeling” that isn’t actually intuition. You also have to just remain open to other options and be sure to give new people a chance… otherwise, I don’t see the harm in letting that hope remain because things like that DO happen, and I don’t think it’s realistic to think you can just turn that hope or that feeling off, especially since I know exactly what you’re feeling. Just don’t let that hope and those feelings hold you back from someone else is all, and if you give someone a chance and then end up making that feeling for your ex go away (which is totally possible), then you’ll know THAT person is a better fit. So just be open is all.

As for your other situation, if you don’t think you can afford a place again, you might want to just be strong and firm and tell her she needs to leave…. especially because she can’t afford your apartment on her own either, can she? So it makes no sense for you to have to leave it if she’d have to leave either way and especially if you don’t think you’ll be able to find another place for yourself soon. You’re just going to have to make yourself do it and remember that she is just as much to blame for being in this situation as you are, so it’s time she took responsibility for that, too. This is what happens when you move into someone’s place and the relationship doesn’t end up working… it’s her responsibility to move back out.

I think the biggest thing to learn from this is that you don’t NEED closure to move on. It definitely makes it easier to move on, but you don’t actually need it because we are all capable of moving on without it, no matter what our minds try to tell us. So maybe that’s what all of this is trying to teach you… The ability to move on and let go of something without closure, because you won’t always be able to get it. Once you’re able to do that, you won’t feel so hurt, but it’s just going to take some time.

There are actually a lot of blogs out there on this topic of moving on without closure and why we don’t need it, and I’ve found reading those very helpful, so they may help you too.

Hi Maddie!

I agree with Anita’s assessment, too. Based on what you’ve said, I think the pregnancy was sort of a wake-up call for her of sorts. I think she just realized that she didn’t want to continue doing what she’d been doing, so she cut things off in the easiest way possible (for her)… she ghosted you.

This happens to a lot of women who have guy friends when the guy friends get a girlfriend who is insecure and doesn’t want their boyfriend talking to any of his friends that are girls… so he stops for her. I have lost many, many of my best guy friends this way, and those guys and I weren’t even romantically involved… just a platonic friendship. So things like this happen all the time, and you kind of just have to let them go. If, at some point, she pops back into your life (usually that happens years later, if at all), you can decide then if you want to continue a friendship or whatever with her, but for now, she clearly doesn’t want contact, so that means you just have to let her go.

Hi Holly!

I know where you are coming from somewhat. I’m 37 and was single for 10 years after my daughter’s father and I broke up, had a 2-year relationship, and now have been single for another year and a half. So I get how lonely it can get sometimes and that you start thinking something is wrong with you… but there isn’t. I think dating is just hard these days for the reasons you’ve mentioned in your bullet points above, but please remember those things have nothing to do with you or your worth or what you have to offer.

Personally, I look at being single as a blessing in a way. There are advantages that you can’t get when you’re in a relationship. So during this next period of my life where I’ve been single for a while, I’ve been taking full advantage of those things… including organizing my house so that I can get everything in order and I’ll have more time later for when I get into a relationship, I went back to school, I bought a guitar (although still haven’t had much time to practice it due to other priorities), and I’m focusing on my kids and my friends. So try doing the things you really want to do too and try not to worry about finding the right guy at the moment.

I am a FIRM believer that the best relationships happen when you are’t looking. So do all of the things now that you won’t be able to do when your guy comes along, work on getting yourself (and your view of yourself) where you want to be… fix any issues you think you have, especially self-esteem if you believe yours to be low, because lack of confidence tends to not be so attractive and can cause problems in relationships, same goes for things like fear of abandonment. That can also sabotage relationships… if you don’t think you have much to offer, build up your skills and things that you value so that you feel like you have more of value to offer (but this is really more for you and to build your confidence… the right guy is going to like you for you as you are). Try not to get hung up on being older or worrying about men wanting someone younger either. It seems a lot of guys these days actually like older women, believe it or not. Just do all the things you need to do to prepare yourself for and make time in your life for a great relationship… get so happy with your life that you stop caring about finding a guy at all, and he’ll come along in perfect time.

I do ask myself if  there could be some other reality for me. Is there a relationship that I can feel secure and wanted in? Could I ever feel pretty enough for someone (small boobs and all)? Is there someone out there who would love to take me on dates?

I feel like, based on what you’ve said overall, this guy probably isn’t your match. You two might be able to make a relationship work with some effort, but I do think it’s likely there are other guys who would be attracted to you EXACTLY how you are, your body type, your personality, etc., and who would let you know daily how beautiful they think you are and you would not feel insecure with them (but make sure you believe these guys when they tell you what they see in you. Sometimes it’s hard to do that when you feel insecure). From what you’ve said, this guy doesn’t have a sort of natural attraction to you but I am 100% sure there are guys out there who will. That’s the type of guy you should be with. Someone you naturally connect with, and you will know it when you meet one because things will flow effortlessly and he will be very clearly interested without so much confusion.

As for this guy, it could be that you are a placeholder until he meets someone else, which would be why he came back every time you two broke up. He didn’t want to be alone. Please keep in mind this doesn’t mean anything negative about you, it’s more a reflection of himself.  I could also be wrong and he may have genuinely had issues that prevented him from fully connecting with you, and in that case, you’ll have to work on trusting him. If you want to stay with him and see how it goes, I’d see if you could attend a therapy session with him and his counselor. Counselors are usually very open to having people come into sessions as long as the patient is okay with that, too.

I’m saddened about this, as if I think is my fault. I was lesser than her… Maybe he is proud of her and not me. It’s like she won the contest and I am the sad looser. As sickening as it sounds, it is engraved in my mind by society that, you as a woman keep a man. And I didn’t…

Please don’t take this personally. I really, REALLY think it isn’t about you in any way. Try thinking about this another way…. this other girl that “won the contest” gets a guy that was constantly cheating on her. She won a pile of garbage. That’s NOT really winning. She was also there before you, so you could be literally the best person on the planet, and this guy won’t see it because he’s got his own issues and a previously formed attachment to her. Also, some guys wouldn’t know quality if it was standing there in front of them, flashing “QUALITY WOMAN” in lights and sirens, so it really isn’t good to place your worth on those guys. Know what I mean?

You’re right that society does ingrain this in our minds… that if we can’t keep a man that we aren’t worth it… but society is wrong about a lot of things, and this is a big one. Think of it this way…. the point of dating people is to find your true match… the person that you naturally connect with and are supposed to be with. If we continue to think that we have to keep a man (even a TERRIBLE one) because we are worthless if we don’t… how will we ever be free to find our match? We’d always be trying to hold onto the wrong ones just to feel good about ourselves while they make us feel bad about ourselves. It’s completely counterproductive.

So it’s not that you are less than or not worth it to this guy… he’s just not your match… and thank God because he’s very clearly a terrible boyfriend.  Quite frankly, NO ONE is going to be his match until he grows up.

Above all…. please remember…. your worth does not and will never depend on what another person thinks or what another person chooses. 

Reading your post of the list of his bad behavior… did you ever meet any of his family or friends during the time you were together? Given that he wouldn’t ever bring you around anyone, wouldn’t take you to parties, post about you on social media, or show you photos of vacations with friends, it’s sounding like were a side girl…. especially if you NEVER met his family. Meaning he had a girlfriend and you were the one he was cheating with… or he just has a bunch of side girls and doesn’t want any of them to find out about the others. When men are serious, they introduce their girlfriends to their friends and family and include them. If they don’t, there’s something wrong.

I’m sure he cared about you, which is why he would text you and maybe even call randomly, but you might want to rethink getting back together with him, if that’s what that text message was. He also might be trying to feed his ego and seeing if you’re still on the line. Either way, not texting back was probably the right thing to do. I’d forget about this one and find someone who will be proud to show you off to his friends and family and will want to truly include you in his life.