My mother once warned that the older a person gets without entering a committed relationship the less likely they will.  Her theory being that entering into such relationships required a level of innocents,  blind ‘faith’ and ability to leap into the unknown.  The wide-eyed wonder of youth.

That’s a really interesting take on it! I think she might be right, but this may also be what leads to so many divorces or unhappy marriages. When you go into things so blindly, it’s much more likely you’ll end up with a mismatched partner, and that might be why the older generations are much more cautious. We want to be in a HAPPY relationship, not just a relationship. I’m wondering what the statistics are for the relationship status of those who get into relationships when they’re older (even 2nd or 3rd marriages or 1st marriages for those who “wait long rather than marry wrong”). I’d wager that those relationships are happier and more likely to last.

I do agree, though, that we have to make sure we aren’t afraid of relationships or being TOO picky. I think it’s the difference between “I can’t date this guy because he doesn’t like Star Wars” and “I can’t date this guy because he constantly complains while making no effort to change things, and that is something that drives me insane.”  You know what I mean?  One is nitpicky and another is something that may not bother everyone but is a character flaw that might be a big deal to you.

I think younger people in general tend to look past the things (“red flags”) that end up being deal-breakers later on while the older people of learned to pay better attention to those things. So we, as the older people, just have to make sure we’re not actively looking for things that may be wrong with people (nobody’s perfect, right?) but still being mindful to pay attention to them when they are glaringly obvious. Know what I mean?

Hi Lost soul,

I think the part of you that does not want to give up on him is just there because you have formed an attachment to him, but that will go away after you give yourself time to detach (but you have to stop talking to him for that to happen) and hopefully then meet someone better suited for you.

If you take the advice to figure out what your needs are and to write a list of those things, a good one to add is that you want your guy to be focused on you when you are having phone/video conversations instead of multitasking.  There are plenty of guys out there who would just stay focused on you when you’re talking, but it seems this guy isn’t one of them.  I would also hold out for a guy whom you have more things in common with.  That’s important, too.

Hi lost soul!

Regarding blocking him, you are basically doing that to cut contact and move on, not so that it will matter to him.  I feel you should definitely cut your losses at this point.  It’s possible he’s just scared to meet you/scared of commitment/etc., but with him living so far away (he needs to buy a plane ticket to get to you), it would be extremely hard to develop the type of relationship that would lead to a good marriage, with you two not seeing each other very much. In-person contact and time spent is very important when it comes to developing relationships, especially new ones. And they key word there is “GOOD” marriage.  You want someone whose actions line up with his words and who will do what he says he’s going to do… that way you’ll know you can always count on him, right?

I agree with Inky. It’d be best to just stop talking to this guy altogether and find someone in your own town. You can do this by joining clubs, taking part in different activities around town, see if any of your friends know any good guys or have any relatives close by that might be a good fit for you, etc. And, whatever you do, when you start dating someone, make sure their actions line up with their words. That is so, so important.

You sound a LOT like me. I also don’t mind being single and was single for 10 years at one point, then had a boyfriend for 2, and now have been single for almost 2 years again. I’m also quite intuitive and energy/connection is more important to me in a relationship than most other things. Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Test? (It’s free online) and if so, are you an INFJ?

Anyway, I mentioned the above because I 100% get where you are coming from and I have trouble with this, too. I’ve even been battling these same thoughts off and on lately. After you experience a certain type of connection, it’s hard to want anything less than that. I think the biggest thing you have to make sure you’re doing is to just do your best to remain open. When you feel yourself wanting to pull away, remind yourself that connections can grow and aren’t always instant. Sometimes it takes a little bit for you to learn more about someone, so it’s always worth getting to know people at least on a friend level and see what develops.  That’s generally what I have to do because I’m not someone that likes to date since it’s so hard for me to find that type of soul connection that I want and I don’t want to give guys the wrong impression. I’ve found it’s easier to just develop friendships and see what happens.

However, with my ex, when I started hanging out with him, I had this nagging feeling that I needed to give him a shot, even though I wasn’t totally attracted to him at first. It wasn’t a BAM instant connection, but my gut was just saying…. get to know this guy better. There was just something there and I could feel it.  That guy ended up feeling like home to me. We were incredibly connected, our interests and personalities fit like puzzle pieces, and we ended up having a great relationship that I would consider a consummate love (which is ultimately what I’m looking for) until we both had a barrage of separate personal issues get in the way that neither of us were handling well, and it drove a wedge between us. He is now that connection that I am looking for in someone else and the one I tend to compare people to, much like you do with your ex.  However, what I learned from that experience is that our intuition will guide us when it comes to love, too.  I used to think I just wasn’t giving guys a chance before I met my ex, for whatever reason, but I’ve been single for almost 2 years now and most of the guys who liked me before came back and tried to take me out again, and I realized that those guys just weren’t matches for me. I wasn’t giving those guys chances because they weren’t my guy.

So it’s also possible you’re not actually in your own way, you just haven’t quite met that right guy yet… and if you’re an INFJ like I suspect you might be, it’s going to take a special kind of guy and connection that is harder to find, but finding that is worth the wait. Just do your best to remain open and try not to write people off too quickly but trust yourself when you really don’t think someone is the right match for you. Sometimes it’s not anything you’re doing wrong… it’s just that guy hasn’t been in front of you yet and I believe if you let your intuition guide you, you’ll intuitively know when you find him.

Yeah, it almost sounds like he should be on his own until he gets things figured out, because it’s an awful lot for a significant other to have to deal with, and it can be damaging to the relationship long-term, especially if there’s no real time frame for how long this is going to go on, because what if it takes years?

If you do decide that your relationship with him is worth it, I would set a time frame for yourself for things to change. I don’t think this is something you have to discuss with him if you don’t want because it would probably add pressure to an already delicate situation for him, but it would just be something for yourself and your own boundaries… set it for however long you feel comfortable waiting for things to settle, and if things are still the same after that amount of time, I would move on.  I’m afraid that him allowing her now to control things is setting a precedent in the co-parenting relationship that will be very hard for him to break later on.  I am speaking from experience here. haha. If you are not assertive right away, it tends to blow up in your face when you finally decide to be assertive. Those who feel they have the control do not like to lose any of that control and will do anything to keep it. So saving himself from drama now may just be creating a ton of drama later on. Time will tell.

He will not add me to facebook as a friend because then his ex , friends and family will know who i am and snoop me. He doesnt want the drama that goes along with it he said.

See, this sounds odd to me, and I can see why it raised red flags for you. It’s one thing if he doesn’t want the “in a relationship” thing with your name connected to it because that would single you out to everyone, but he won’t even add you as a friend? If everyone knows your name and they want to snoop on you, chances are they already have. You don’t have to have a friend connection to find someone on Facebook. All you really need to know is their first name and then the autofill does the rest, starting with names closest by location. They don’t even need to know your last name if they know what you look like…. so I think that would raise a red flag for me too that he doesn’t even want you added as a friend, but who knows. I don’t know him at all and you do, so I would say just use your best judgement on that one based on what you know if him… but his feelings are sounding a little one-sided, and at some point soon, I hope he starts taking your feelings into consideration rather than just trying to avoid drama with an ex all the time… he’s divorced now and shares kids and that isn’t easy, so he’s likely going to have to learn to handle the drama and won’t always be able to just avoid it.

we have had that talk and he wants to respect her and her choices. she cried and said its broken her heart to hear from her girls how nice i was and how i played with them. so she needs more time to adjust to him dating. Then he said last night she is starting to date. Ive said all i can about the issue , he doesnt want her drama so hes agreed and asked me to respect his decision.

It IS nice that he is wanting to respect her wishes, and that will keep smooth sailing in their co-parenting relationship. Hopefully as she starts dating, she gets to a point where she also wants to introduce a significant other to the kids and then manages her expectations with her ex-husband.

Did he decide to leave her or was it mutual? If he left her, I can see where her feelings are coming from with him dating someone new and the kids being around another motherly figure and also wanting to avoid the social media drama so as not to rub salt in the wound, but I still think it’s odd he can’t even add you as a friend.

It’s sounding like the RV idea is your best option right now, then. If she won’t leave, she can’t stop you from doing so. Then I’d just have your landlord let you know if your place becomes available again. I’m sure they’d be happy to do so to keep it rented.

 I know i can’t change the past, just frustrating knowing that if i could have really seen the big picture and stepped back for a bit that it may have been me and her now enjoying our lives together.  It’s hard to see her so happy with another man, while i’m suffering every day thinking about her.

That’s the thing…. you stepping back for a bit likely wouldn’t have done anything either. She wasn’t in a good space. If it helps, my ex was going through something similar. His life was just a complete mess (ex-wife issues, wasn’t able to see his kids, hated his job, was in physical and emotional pain, etc), and I did step back and give him his space when he needed it, and he still broke up with me, likely because he associated me with the mess. He felt he needed a total life change, and I was part of that life that needed changing. There wasn’t anything I could do about that, just like there wasn’t anything you could do about it if she was lumping you in with her mess. Literally nothing you could’ve done would’ve changed the outcome because it was meant to happen that way.  If you guys are meant to get back together, you will, but for right now at least… you aren’t meant to be.

So I agree with Mark. You 100% control your suffering. You are choosing to suffer while she seems happy. I probably more than anyone understand the intrusive thoughts and how they’re hard to stop, because I’m experiencing the same, but you choose how you take those thoughts and how you allow those thoughts to make you feel, just like I choose how mine of my ex make me feel. Just do your best to keep your mind off of her and keep redirecting your thoughts until it gets easy for you. Meditation and counseling really, really help… so if you aren’t doing either of those things now, try them again…. but if I may be quite frank… you have to make sure you realize that you are the reason for your own suffering and you can stop it at any time with a mindset change and being mindful, as Mark mentioned. That really does help.