I agree with what Peggy said. If he’s suddenly changed his ambitions, it may be because he is feeling overwhelmed and needs a break, is losing interest in what he’s studying for, or he’s just settling into the relationship now and this is who he is. That’s probably a conversation you’re going to have to have with him.

You can’t really “push” and “make” people do things. That only creates resistance and animosity. You can encourage though (gently) and have discussions about what he envisions in the future and what his plans are for meeting his goals. If he’s losing interest in his chosen career, perhaps you could think of something together that could pique that interest again. If he’s feeling burnt out, that’ll likely take care of itself with a bit of rest and self-care, but he should set a timeline or date for when he’ll start pushing himself again. If this is just who he is and his level of drive and ambition doesn’t actually line up with your ideas of what you want, that’s something you’re going to have to think about as he may not be your match in that case (however, the qualities you’ve described are wonderful qualities in a man, and men don’t HAVE to be the family breadwinners if you happen to be the one with major drive and ambition… women can support a family, too).

Just remember during these discussions that your boyfriend is his own unique person and comparing him to what you’ve experienced with other people (like your dad) is quite unfair, just as it would be if he compared you to others in his life or projected his ideals and expectations onto you.

My question is why does he believe you will not be able to look after yourselves “soon?” I see that he has hereditary disease in his family, but unless either of you have a serious illness now, you should be able to hopefully take care of yourselves for many years to come. If he is worrying about things that may not even happen or may not happen for a long time, I would probably remind him to be mindful of his life as it is right now, that everything is okay in this moment and that if things pop up in the future, you will be able to deal with them then. Of course, it never hurts to have a financial plan like putting some money away each week just in case you need help in the future, and developing some sort of plan may help to ease his worries, but worrying to an excessive degree when everything is really fine in the moment can actually bring on health issues and can become a self-fulfilling prophecy on its own because of the stress it causes.

If he continues to worry even after coming up with a feasible plan, I would see if he would consider counseling.

My mother once warned that the older a person gets without entering a committed relationship the less likely they will.  Her theory being that entering into such relationships required a level of innocents,  blind ‘faith’ and ability to leap into the unknown.  The wide-eyed wonder of youth.

That’s a really interesting take on it! I think she might be right, but this may also be what leads to so many divorces or unhappy marriages. When you go into things so blindly, it’s much more likely you’ll end up with a mismatched partner, and that might be why the older generations are much more cautious. We want to be in a HAPPY relationship, not just a relationship. I’m wondering what the statistics are for the relationship status of those who get into relationships when they’re older (even 2nd or 3rd marriages or 1st marriages for those who “wait long rather than marry wrong”). I’d wager that those relationships are happier and more likely to last.

I do agree, though, that we have to make sure we aren’t afraid of relationships or being TOO picky. I think it’s the difference between “I can’t date this guy because he doesn’t like Star Wars” and “I can’t date this guy because he constantly complains while making no effort to change things, and that is something that drives me insane.”  You know what I mean?  One is nitpicky and another is something that may not bother everyone but is a character flaw that might be a big deal to you.

I think younger people in general tend to look past the things (“red flags”) that end up being deal-breakers later on while the older people of learned to pay better attention to those things. So we, as the older people, just have to make sure we’re not actively looking for things that may be wrong with people (nobody’s perfect, right?) but still being mindful to pay attention to them when they are glaringly obvious. Know what I mean?

Hi Lost soul,

I think the part of you that does not want to give up on him is just there because you have formed an attachment to him, but that will go away after you give yourself time to detach (but you have to stop talking to him for that to happen) and hopefully then meet someone better suited for you.

If you take the advice to figure out what your needs are and to write a list of those things, a good one to add is that you want your guy to be focused on you when you are having phone/video conversations instead of multitasking.  There are plenty of guys out there who would just stay focused on you when you’re talking, but it seems this guy isn’t one of them.  I would also hold out for a guy whom you have more things in common with.  That’s important, too.

Hi lost soul!

Regarding blocking him, you are basically doing that to cut contact and move on, not so that it will matter to him.  I feel you should definitely cut your losses at this point.  It’s possible he’s just scared to meet you/scared of commitment/etc., but with him living so far away (he needs to buy a plane ticket to get to you), it would be extremely hard to develop the type of relationship that would lead to a good marriage, with you two not seeing each other very much. In-person contact and time spent is very important when it comes to developing relationships, especially new ones. And they key word there is “GOOD” marriage.  You want someone whose actions line up with his words and who will do what he says he’s going to do… that way you’ll know you can always count on him, right?

I agree with Inky. It’d be best to just stop talking to this guy altogether and find someone in your own town. You can do this by joining clubs, taking part in different activities around town, see if any of your friends know any good guys or have any relatives close by that might be a good fit for you, etc. And, whatever you do, when you start dating someone, make sure their actions line up with their words. That is so, so important.

You sound a LOT like me. I also don’t mind being single and was single for 10 years at one point, then had a boyfriend for 2, and now have been single for almost 2 years again. I’m also quite intuitive and energy/connection is more important to me in a relationship than most other things. Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Test? (It’s free online) and if so, are you an INFJ?

Anyway, I mentioned the above because I 100% get where you are coming from and I have trouble with this, too. I’ve even been battling these same thoughts off and on lately. After you experience a certain type of connection, it’s hard to want anything less than that. I think the biggest thing you have to make sure you’re doing is to just do your best to remain open. When you feel yourself wanting to pull away, remind yourself that connections can grow and aren’t always instant. Sometimes it takes a little bit for you to learn more about someone, so it’s always worth getting to know people at least on a friend level and see what develops.  That’s generally what I have to do because I’m not someone that likes to date since it’s so hard for me to find that type of soul connection that I want and I don’t want to give guys the wrong impression. I’ve found it’s easier to just develop friendships and see what happens.

However, with my ex, when I started hanging out with him, I had this nagging feeling that I needed to give him a shot, even though I wasn’t totally attracted to him at first. It wasn’t a BAM instant connection, but my gut was just saying…. get to know this guy better. There was just something there and I could feel it.  That guy ended up feeling like home to me. We were incredibly connected, our interests and personalities fit like puzzle pieces, and we ended up having a great relationship that I would consider a consummate love (which is ultimately what I’m looking for) until we both had a barrage of separate personal issues get in the way that neither of us were handling well, and it drove a wedge between us. He is now that connection that I am looking for in someone else and the one I tend to compare people to, much like you do with your ex.  However, what I learned from that experience is that our intuition will guide us when it comes to love, too.  I used to think I just wasn’t giving guys a chance before I met my ex, for whatever reason, but I’ve been single for almost 2 years now and most of the guys who liked me before came back and tried to take me out again, and I realized that those guys just weren’t matches for me. I wasn’t giving those guys chances because they weren’t my guy.

So it’s also possible you’re not actually in your own way, you just haven’t quite met that right guy yet… and if you’re an INFJ like I suspect you might be, it’s going to take a special kind of guy and connection that is harder to find, but finding that is worth the wait. Just do your best to remain open and try not to write people off too quickly but trust yourself when you really don’t think someone is the right match for you. Sometimes it’s not anything you’re doing wrong… it’s just that guy hasn’t been in front of you yet and I believe if you let your intuition guide you, you’ll intuitively know when you find him.

Yeah, it almost sounds like he should be on his own until he gets things figured out, because it’s an awful lot for a significant other to have to deal with, and it can be damaging to the relationship long-term, especially if there’s no real time frame for how long this is going to go on, because what if it takes years?

If you do decide that your relationship with him is worth it, I would set a time frame for yourself for things to change. I don’t think this is something you have to discuss with him if you don’t want because it would probably add pressure to an already delicate situation for him, but it would just be something for yourself and your own boundaries… set it for however long you feel comfortable waiting for things to settle, and if things are still the same after that amount of time, I would move on.  I’m afraid that him allowing her now to control things is setting a precedent in the co-parenting relationship that will be very hard for him to break later on.  I am speaking from experience here. haha. If you are not assertive right away, it tends to blow up in your face when you finally decide to be assertive. Those who feel they have the control do not like to lose any of that control and will do anything to keep it. So saving himself from drama now may just be creating a ton of drama later on. Time will tell.