Dear kleineBlumealleine,

I agree that this man tried to make you feel guilty for something you’re not responsible for, and you felt responsible for it and even tried to help him, not realizing he is using you to care for his emotional needs. I don’t think it was an emotional affair because it was one-sided: it was just him complaining about his marriage and telling you he was unhappy, while you didn’t complain about your relationship nor sought to get your emotional needs met by him rather than your boyfriend, did you?

It seems to me you were a listening ear to him and have stayed for too long in this “friendship” because you felt guilty for cutting him off. And this, as anita said, is related to your childhood and your parents accusing you of “holding grudges” when you were rightfully upset with them for treating you badly.

Here too, you should be rightfully upset for this man harassing you and making advances on you, and instead of trying to understand him and help him, should stop all contact.

irregardless, that doesnt excuse me to going along with being in contact him, i hope a lot it is my learning process (first family, then him) to actually realize these situations (but not just pure victim but also taking responsibility) , to have finally enough energy to stop it and to move on towards something better/bettering myself.

It’s great you’re realizing it’s related to your childhood and that you have the right to stop it – to not feel guilty for setting boundaries and protecting yourself from toxic people. That’s how you won’t be a victim any more, but more in charge of your life…

Dear Felix,

She told me to wait for 2 year, i actually know that it is true and i can guarantee that in 2 years she wont be in a relationship…..

Did she promise you anything about the future? For example, did she tell you that she loves you and wants to be with you, but that the only obstacle is her family, i.e. her aunt at whose place she’ll be living, and that that’s why she asks you to wait for her?

If she didn’t say anything of the kind, but asked you to wait because she doesn’t want to lose your attention and interest in her, and/or doesn’t want to lose you as a potential backup solution in case she doesn’t find any other boy – then no, you should definitely not wait for her or stay in a relationship with her.

A while ago she told you not to expect anything from her. Probably that’s still true – that she isn’t willing to promise you anything, and yet she is trying to make you remain “faithful” to her, in case she needs you in the future. I think it’s quite selfish of her.

my brain always keep telling me that she’s the only “attractive” girl that i can hope for. For the past 9 months when i stop chatting with her, i tried to get close to girls and i failed…

That’s your low self-esteem – that’s why you believe she’s the only girl who’ll ever show interest in you. But if you work on your self-esteem, this will change and you won’t need to depend on her…

Dear Peace,

I am really glad to hear that you’re doing so well, both with your exams and in terms of relationship. As I understood, you broke up with your ex back in April, and have started seeing this other guy in May. Your relationship seems very healthy  – he respects you, doesn’t rush you, helps you when you needed it. You also say you don’t need to walk on eggshells around him, meaning you can be yourself around him, which is super important. And you feel peace and calm, as the relationship slowly unfolds… All in all, it does look promising and healthy, and I hope it stays that way and perhaps even evolves into marriage.

Dear Dandan,

It’s like half of the time we both are super excited and happy and other times I get depressed mostly post afternoon and evening.

My depression though it sometimes doesn’t have any main reason, is sometimes because of my unaccomplishment.

I believe your depression is rooted in your childhood, living with a depressed mother, whom you could never make happy. That’s the reason you felt and still feel bad about yourself, and why you need alcohol and other stimulants to soothe your pain, to forget about the pain. That’s also the reason why you feel unworthy and incapable, and haven’t accomplished the things you wanted to accomplish.

You’re now experiencing the results of your low self-esteem (insecurity, depression, addiction), but the reason for your low self-esteem is in your childhood. If you want to start healing, you’d need to focus on healing your inner child.

I was similar to you, had an eating disorder and super low self-esteem, low accomplishment, and lots of insecurities. I didn’t need to get on medications but I started attending therapy. And a really big breakthrough came with healing the inner child – addressing those unmet emotional needs that I had as a child. I am quite confident it would help you too.

But if I still can’t get over her, and can’t be with her either, not able to think about marrying other girl either, am I doomed ? I am so scared. I feel like which ever path I take I am doomed and going to be miserable.

It appears you did have a strong bond, but mostly because of your internal state (depression, confusion, insecurity), you were unable to maintain and sustain that bond. You were sometimes depressed “for no reason”. I know the feeling: even when everything seems fine on the outside and you should have all the reasons to be happy, you cannot – there is something inside you that won’t let you. That’s the inner child who won’t let you be happy, until you heal him.

In your present state, I don’t think you could be happy with any other girl, and it may be that she is “the one” for you. But you’d need to heal yourself enough to be able to sustain the relationship and not reject her love.

Hi Murtaza,

you talk about loving your inner child your own way:

I already did that, but the hole is still here, and i don’t believe that there is only one way to love yourself, i do it my way, the way i see it fit, not whatever you say, not whatever anyone say

And i would suppose that there is only one way to be a parent to this child, and its a man made way, i don’t care how many people got healed by this way, i already did best for myselfI

you gonna teach me how to love myself? I can’t continue this conversation if you didn’t drop the idea that i don’t love myself, it just makes me mad how you blame me while you don’t even know me, i can’t do this again,

What you did is protect yourself from pain, the way you thought was best. Prior to that, you suffered tremendously (“You don’t know how i lived needing love everyday excessively, so excessively that i wanted to remove this need from the origin“), having a deep longing which no one could meet, and you decided to suppress that longing because that was the only tool you had at your disposal. Your 18-year old self did his best to protect himself from pain – you decided love is an impossibility for you, never accessible, never attainable. With this, you may have suppressed the little boy Murtaza, but you helped the 18-year old to make sense of things, to maintain his sanity. You did well, considering the circumstances.

You’re angry at me for not acknowledging your love for your inner child. I want to acknowledge the role your Protector played in protecting the 18-year old (and the 20-year old) Murtaza from excessive pain. And you’ve managed, to a point. But this very thread shows that you’re miserable. And that’s because you have suppressed that little boy. I am not blaming you, I am just saying what has happened.

In a recent post, you were interested in the true self. The true self is the observer, which observes all of your parts: (1) the little boy Murtaza with his longings and unmet needs, (2) the Protector who came up with the philosophy of why love is unattainable for you, and (3) the 20-year old Murtaza who is apathetic most of the times because he trusts the Protector’s view of the world. The true self would be beyond all those parts, looking at them without judgment, but with compassion and understanding.

its sad though, that every person i talk to either kill me with his wrong advises and suggestions, or just go away,

If you could, at least for a moment, step away from the idea that love is unattainable for you, and that you need to be at the mercy of other people to get love – and give me the benefit of the doubt – this conversation may make sense.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear Richard,

what sticks out to me reading your posts is that you mentioned your father several times, both in your previous thread and now, but you haven’t mentioned your mother. May I ask what’s your relationship with your mother? Is she still alive?

Hi Murtaza,

Following that logic then my mother deserve better, and my father deserves better, almost everyone deserves better,

Yes, every child who was mistreated deserves better. A child deserves, i.e. should be given proper love and nurturance, in order to develop properly, both physically and emotionally. In order for a healthy development to happen, what is needed is the so-called secure attachment with the primary caregiver (usually mother), where the child feels safe and is able to have all its core emotional needs met.

If your mother didn’t understand a child’s needs (“Nope, she doesn’t understand the child needs for such things“), she couldn’t provide secure attachment for you, and you couldn’t develop in healthy way, emotionally.

just makes you have an idea that you inheritly deserve something without any effort, i don’t think that’s a nice idea to have, not true either, love is something you buy, and im not talking about money, im talking about prices we must pay to get love

If we have a loving parent, a parent who knows how to meet our needs, we won’t feel like we have to pay anything or do anything to deserve the parent’s love. A good parent gives selflessly, of course within certain boundaries, but they never require the child to suppress themselves or to suffer in exchange for love. For example, they would never give the message to a child that “I love you only if you don’t bother me with your problems”. Instead, they would say “I love you regardless of what trouble you may get into. I will never reject you. Come to me whenever you need me and we’ll figure something out.” With a loving  parent, a child isn’t terrified of being judged and condemned, but feels heard and understood.

Many children feel and experience that their parent’s love is conditional and that they need to pay a certain price to be loved. They need to become someone they are not (e.g. you may have needed to pretend that you’re tough and resilient when in fact you were afraid and anxious. Or you may have needed to pretend that you don’t need anything, when in fact you needed your mother’s care and soothing.) You grew up with the belief (and experience) that you need to deserve love, and probably deserve it in a way which negates who you are, which denies the core of your being. You didn’t want that, and so you refused the whole idea of wanting love.

But its my fault that i developed a strong apathy ? … i developed apathy just to protect me, a strong apathy, and im proud of myself for doing so

No, it’s not your fault that you developed apathy. You developed it to protect you from false hope, from the pain of not receiving love. As a child and youth, it was a smart move because it protected you somewhat from heartbreak. But you also don’t like your life and feel you live like an animal, because if we suppress the longing of your heart, then that’s what we all end up being – animals, or robots/automatons. Such life doesn’t make sense indeed.

What I am telling you is that you don’t need to suppress the longing of your heart. You don’t need to pay the price to be loved. You can start loving that anxious, fearful, lonely boy right now. You can give him unconditional love, which your mother and father weren’t able to. You can tell him it’s okay to be needy, to be afraid of the dark, to need comfort and soothing when he’s afraid, to need protection when he’s harassed… Do you think you could get in touch with the little boy Murtaza and give him some love and care?

Hi Murtaza,

I am on holidays starting today, and won’t be spending too much time at the computer. But I am glad you showed a little bit of interest in healing, although don’t worry, I am not holding my breath 🙂 i.e. I have no expectations from you to go for it, to start unpacking your childhood or anything like that. I am pretty tired at the moment and not very focused, but I didn’t want to wait an entire day without replying.

Since you offered your help, and you asked about my childhood, what exactly this help gonna be? and what exactly do you want me to talk about?

Well, you can tell me a little about your childhood. How you felt, when were you happy, when were you sad or scared or embarrassed, how you felt around your parents (e.g. were they supportive or criticizing/punishing), etc etc. Whatever comes to mind that sort of stuck in your memory, either in a positive or a negative sense.

I don’t want to give you advice but to help you understand things better, e.g. understand what emotional needs you haven’t had met, which then caused problems later in your life.

I kinda like you teak, i miss this kind of people, the funny thing is, i lost them before i even have them, how fast did that happen, maybe there is an afterlife afterall, a community of kind people, a job that’s isn’t a waste of time, a reduced fear and anxiety, a partner, a different mindset, that would be heaven, too unreal, this motivates me to do it,

OK, notice there’s a part of you, even if it’s a very slight small voice, which believes that maybe, just maybe, there are valuable things in life, and you could have them too. Just notice it. Try not to dismiss it immediately, even if it’s “too unreal”. I know you said you don’t want any advice, but this is a little bit of coaching, if you’re open to it.

but i develope more apathy along the way when i don’t, im in this hole deeper and deeper, its too late now to fix, and we should close the whole hole

And there’s the other part of you, who is apathetic, says there is no point, says it’s too late now to fix. It wants to give up. It has already given up.

So there’s a small tiny hopeful part, almost unnoticeable, almost completely silent, very weak, and a big and strong hopeless part, which always wins the argument.

If you could just notice those two parts – without judgment, without wanting to get rid of either of them. Just be aware of them, know that they are there. Tell me how this sounds to you, and if you’ve managed to notice those two parts inside of you?