You’re welcome, Caroline. Good talking to you too!

Take care and take it easy 🙂

Dear Dan,

You said:

I get really down on myself thinking what more could have I done?  I’m stuck ruminating a lot wishing things weren’t the way they are.

In this post I’ll try to explain why in my opinion, your relationship didn’t succeed, and what both you and her could have done differently. I’ll say it right away: I think that your relationship didn’t succeed because of unhealthy patterns in both you and her. It’s not just your fault, and it’s not just her fault.

Let me give you an example. You said you wanted to go on mini vacations, but she always refused. You said it was because you didn’t go on a honeymoon and wanted to make up for that.

It’s normal for a married couple to go on a honeymoon, and to go on a honeymoon alone. So if she refused that, because she didn’t want to leave her children – that shows an unbalanced approach, where she feels guilty for doing something for herself. For having alone time with her new husband.

Besides, her children aren’t that young as she claims. 10 and 14 isn’t so young, they don’t need constant supervision. So she could have left them with their dad for a few days. Claiming they are young and using it as an excuse to not set any boundaries is a mistake on her part.

Returning to the mini vacation example: At the other end of the spectrum would be a scenario where you would want to go on mini vacations exclusively without her children. Where you would say “the weekend is coming, the kids are their dad’s – why don’t the two of us go to XYZ place and have some fun together?” I am not saying this is what you were pushing for, or hoping for, but it would have been an unbalanced approach too, because it would exclude the children altogether and make them feel unwanted.

If your wife was more on one end of the spectrum (never want to go anywhere without her children), and you were more on the other end (preferred not to go to trips with her children) – then it would have caused friction.

I do want to say I understand you: you got a deal which you didn’t want, because covid came and her children ended up spending all of their time with their mother and you. And you didn’t get to have any time with her alone. So going for a mini vacation just the two of you, would have been nice from time to time. And it wouldn’t have been selfish to ask for that.

But if what her children felt from you is the vibe of impatience, something like: “God, when are they going to leave already so I can be alone with my wife?” – then they would have been offended and start turning against you. I am not saying this is what you were thinking, at least not consciously, but unconsciously you might have been giving off such a vibe.

But it must have been hard for you, and you did find yourself in a difficult situation. Let me turn again to your question:

What more could have I done?  I’m stuck ruminating a lot wishing things weren’t the way they are.

Well, if your wife didn’t have so much guilt, she would have understood your need and would have gone with you on one or two mini vacations (provided that it was possible to travel during covid?).

At the same time, if you weren’t so needy, you probably wouldn’t have been so negatively affected by the living arrangements during covid (being stuck with her children 24/7), and you wouldn’t have felt so deprived when she was attending to her children. So maybe there wouldn’t have been this rivalry between you and her children.

But this is only maybe, because if she spoiled them (and probably she did, because you said she had no boundaries with them, e.g. she lets her son sleep in her bed), then even if you were more patient and less needy, they might have still been jealous of you. I don’t know.

Anyway, to wrap this up: it seems to me that your responsibility in the breakup of the relationship is in being too needy, i.e. expecting her to meet all or almost all of your emotional needs (to feel loved, cared for, appreciated, seen, validated). She was your best friend (and maybe your only friend?), and it seems you depended on her to feel good about yourself. Due to this neediness, you might have unconsciously felt jealous of her children, which they picked up on.

While her responsibility in the breakup of the relationship, as I see it, is her strong feeling of guilt for not being able to please everybody, as well as feeling guilty for having needs of her own. Depriving herself of the things she loves, so she can please others.

What do you say? Does this seem like a plausible explanation to you?

Dear Katrine,

Exactly, I would feel so guilty if I didn’t critisize myself then I wouldn’t move forward.

OK, so now that you realize that criticizing yourself won’t really help, maybe you can stop yourself when you notice it. Just notice it and tell yourself something like: “This is my inner critic, I am not listening to him. He thinks he is helpful but he is not, he only makes me feel worse. My inner critic doesn’t help me change. Loving and accepting myself does.”

I am learning to identify triggers. If I am reacting to something in the past or present. Trying to stop myself from self sabotaging, putting up walls, isolating myself.

Also trying to learn healthy coping mechanisms and self soothing so I don’t end up reacting instead of responding. It’s hard work and sometimes you just new to go out and not focus about healing but also living.

It is hard work because you want to be mindful of yourself and not just react from your wounds. I think the most important is to remain mindful as much as possible, i.e. to observe yourself as you go about your day. If you notice you react to something strongly, you can make a mental note of it that it’s your trigger. You can then later explore it (or share it here on the forum): what is it that you reacted to so strongly, what feelings came up, and what is the negative core belief behind it.

I know it’s hard to be mindful all the time, and specially to remain relatively calm (or rather, not too reactive) when we are triggered. Because that’s when our thinking brain shuts down….

I’ve recently been watching Dr. Nicole Lepera’s youtube videos, and she has a really great video on the topic of triggers. The title is “Here’s what to do when you’re triggered“.

She gives 3 key steps: (1) Breathe deeply, (2) Observe yourself as you are getting upset/”freaking out”, (3) Don’t judge yourself for the strong emotions you’re feeling, i.e. practice self-acceptance.

If you do that, a part of your thinking brain (the observer) will remain active, and it will help you not to be completely overwhelmed by the strong emotions you’re experiencing. I don’t know if you’ve tried this technique already?

It’s hard work and sometimes you just new to go out and not focus about healing but also living.

Right… Well, living involves triggers, and triggers cause us pain because they take us back into our childhood wounds. So if you just “live”, you’ll experience a lot of pain, until you heal that pain. But if you are mindful of yourself (i.e. observing yourself and noticing your triggers, e.g. as shown in Nicole Lepera’s video), you’ll experience less pain. So I think that being mindful while living/going about our day is actually well worth it…

Dear Katrine,

Yes, I will focus on this as a learning opportunity. I have noticed that i have started self sabotaging again, i get more defensive and push people away but that’s understandable with everything that has happened.

It’s great that you are observing yourself and noticing when you slip, or are tempted to slip, into the old patterns. I think one of those old patterns is to start judging and criticizing yourself, and not giving yourself credit for the achievements you’ve made. Recently you’ve criticized yourself for being a hypocrite, telling yourself that you are behaving the same way as he is – when in reality, you have broken your pattern of avoidance and emotional unavailability.

The good thing is that in spite of succumbing to the voice of the inner critic from time to time, you are also able to snap out of it pretty quickly, and see that this was a learning opportunity and not a failure. This is super important! To observe yourself and when you notice that your inner critic is rearing its ugly head, to tell him: “STOP! I am not listening to you. You want me to stay stuck in the past, blaming myself for my past mistakes, believing I can never change. But that’s not true! I am able to change and I have already proven it! I am making progress, I am changing my patterns, and I am not going back to my old ways! With every day, I am becoming more of my true self!”

You can also tell yourself: “I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I won’t always react in the best way possible. But it’s okay to slip up. We are allowed to make mistakes. If I fall down, I’ll get back up and keep walking. And that’s what really matters.”

I don’t know how this sounds to you, but perhaps it would help you to be more compassionate with yourself. It could be an antidote for those situations when you start criticizing yourself and minimizing the progress you’ve made.

What do you think?

Dear Katrine,

I wished him a happy birthday continued with my work and when I finish my shift he was playing pool with friends I looked at him smile and said bye. Being respectful and tried to show that I wasn’t affected by his present.

Perfect! You definitely should be proud of yourself!! You were friendly and respectful, but not clingy, not expecting anything from him, or resenting him or anything like that. His behavior also seems more normal – he wasn’t just sitting there, staring at you and not saying anything. He talked to you a little and then left to play pool when his friends arrived, right?

maybe self compassion is the way to go, looking at this situation with the guy as a learning opportunity instead of a failed romance.

Yes, self-compassion is the key to healing and growth. And yes, this was a big break-through for you and also a great learning opportunity. In one of my previous posts (on page 6) I suggested to you to reframe this experience and see it not as a failure but as lessons learned. Because I think it was a success for you personally and your personal development, even though he didn’t say yes. So I would actually view it as a victory, not as a failure.

Dear Dan,

I think you would need to accept that for now, she isn’t accessible because her life situation hasn’t really changed since your separation: her children haven’t grown up and they haven’t suddenly changed their mind about you. She still feels guilty for being with you, and as anita said, by not having you in her life, she is at least relieved from some of that guilt.

I am sure that she feels guilty even now, trying to be a “perfect” mother and please everyone. But at least she doesn’t need to please you in addition to pleasing her children, and she doesn’t need to be guilt-tripped by her children for seeing you. So two sources of guilt are gone, which makes her life a little easier. (Just to clarify: I think she felt a responsibility to please you too, because when she asked for separation, she said that she can’t be the woman you deserve. That wording shows that she felt guilty for not being able to please you and fulfill your expectations.)

She as a person would have to do a lot of work on herself  – specially on her people pleasing tendencies – to really be free from guilt and be able to have healthy relationships (including a healthy relationship with you). Right now it’s not possible, and it won’t be possible for a long long time, unless she decides to work on herself.

So you would need to accept that she – being a person plagued by guilt – will likely not want to get back together with you. She might do so for a short while, but her guilt would return very soon, and she would ask for “space” again.

I am noticing two tendencies in you: one is to try to move on and work on yourself (e.g. you asked to know more about self-parenting), and the other is falling into despair and trying to soothe your pain with substances (“I’ve also been sabotaging myself a bit with drinking and stuff. Im having a hard time. I know what I need to do I just can’t get started and would rather drown my pain.)

A third part of you is hoping that she might decide to reunite sometime in the future (I’m hoping that perhaps at some point down the road we may reunite.)

I think it would help you at this point to accept that this reunion – if nothing changes in her life or in her personality – will likely not happen. The sooner you accept it, the easier it will be. I know it’s hard, because the inner child in you – who needs her so much – is hoping for a miracle. Your inner child is hoping that some day things will change and she will take you back. That she will at least want to spend the weekends with you, and meet your unmet childhood needs (to be cherished, valued, to be nurtured, held in her arms, etc).

Your wounded inner child is looking for a magical solution for his pain…. but unfortunately, Dan, it won’t happen. You need to take your inner child into your own arms and hold him, figuratively speaking. You are your own savior. She isn’t. No one else is.

I do hope that slowly but surely, you will accept this reality. It’s not easy because there are no magical solutions, but it’s the only way. There is a saying: “No one said it will be easy, but it will be worth it.” I think this applies perfectly to your situation… It will be worth it, Dan, to finally start healing those childhood wounds that make your life miserable in the present. The fact that you are in therapy is great.. Keep at it, and let’s keep our conversation here too, if you find it helpful.

Dear Caroline,

I am sorry for a late response, I was rather busy this week.

I enjoyed reading what you wrote in your latest posts. It seems you are taking a really good care of yourself and making so much progress:

I told them the truth and I have no power over what he is saying in the office, IF he does say anything. I stay true to myself.

I started to try to be mindful, see, hear, be aware.

I am trying to be cautious of how I act in front of people, read more, listen to music more, go for long walks and be around nature.

On Saturday I talked less, but I think I was more confident. I was thinking before responding, not talking fast like a child.

It’s fantastic that you are becoming more aware, more observant of both yourself and others, and that you felt more confident and more self-composed at the coworkers meeting at the pizzeria. And of course, it’s great that you are taking a good care of yourself, spending time in nature and listening to music that nurtures your soul. Congratulations on these amazing developments!

I think I have freeze reaction for the most of the time during the day, even without the possible threat. I am not sure if this is even possible but I think it might. I noticed things happen and I do not .. recognize them happening.

I think it’s quite possible to be in a sort of half-disassociated state whenever we are out and about… it’s a defense mechanism that you’ve learned. The less mistreatment, injustice etc you notice, the lesser your urge to react, which in turn will keep you safe (or so is your inner child thinking). Sort of “don’t make waves” approach, because if you do make waves, you might get in trouble. So lay low, don’t say anything, don’t react…. Perhaps when you go out among people, your brain automatically goes into the “disassociate” mode, to keep you safe.

Sometimes things happen, people say things and I do not react, do not respond. Only after couple of hours later I recall what had happened and form my opinion on that.

This “delay” in reaction can also be explained by disassociation. You don’t notice it immediately because you’re not fully present, you’re not fully observing what’s going on, while it is going on. Only later, in the safety of your home, you sort of “unfreeze” and start realizing what has really happened and that you might have failed to react… Do you think that this is what’s going on?

So I started to try to be mindful, see, hear, be aware.

Great that you are trying to stay present and be more mindful of what is going on around you. Walking in nature also helps a lot in staying present and grounded. To practice being grounded during your walks, you can put your attention on your feet as they are touching the ground. You can also notice the little details in the forest around you (the trees, the birds chirping…).

The idea is to try to engage all of your senses. If you’re alone on your walks, you can even name out loud the things that you see and the sounds that you hear. That’s how you can further strengthen the sense of being grounded and present in the here-and-now.

What you wrote about my mother is true. I know there is nothing wrong with me, she just projected her lack of confidence and shame on to me. She will not change, she does not want to.

Unfortunately we cannot change people who don’t want to change… But still, you can take a different approach now (different than hers) when and if you visit your family. You don’t need to allow them to disrespect you and treat you like a lesser being. You can either not visit them and feel good about it, or visit them and take a different stand than before. You can now step out from underneath your mother’s “cloud of shame”, where she kept both you and herself all these years, and step into the sunshine of your own worth. You can become independent from your mother, and not a person based on shame any more!

I strongly believe things can change and I will work on that. Feels good to be respected.

So good to hear this! It sure does feel good to be respected, but also to have self-respect. You are making a lot of progress on that path and I am very happy for you!