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  • #417094
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    That’s some very good advice! The younger wounded parts of batteling with my adult self kinda.

    Glad you like the idea! Yes, it is your younger self reacting out of reflex to protect herself from harm…. that strategy was necessary in the past, but now it’s not any more. Now you can protect yourself and stand up for yourself more and more. And you can also protect and soothe that little girl inside of you.

    I’m trying not to take it too personally that he’s not a person who texts all the time, even my best friend is like that. It can easily take several weeks or even a month for her to reply, she’s trying to work on that.

    I hope he texts more frequently than your best friend! Can you agree to have a daily check-in?

    Yes, I did and still do in terms of X. I sometimes get the feeling she’s mad at me. Like when we are alone she seems fine but when other people are there she’s kinda giving me the cold shoulder. Like yesterday one of the boys wrote me asking me to go to a park, X, Y and another boy from work was going as well and I thought they knew but when I showed up X didn’t seem positive at all that I was there and whenever I talk she’s not responding to me and even looking at me. This has happened several times before, and I don’t know why

    That’s weird if she is ignoring you and not responding to you. Maybe she is distracted by the group, I mean maybe someone else in the group is talking and she is paying attention to them, because they are louder or something? Or maybe she is even interested in one of those boys, and that’s why her whole attention is on him? Otherwise, I can’t think of a reason why she would suddenly be cold with you…

    Am so I managed to have fun after all.

    Good! Glad you’re not that affected by her strange behavior… And that people enjoy your company and like to hang out with you, such as the Canadian girl.

    Sorry to hear about Y. She definitely doesn’t sound like a good candidate for the job. Because she’s not responsible, she doesn’t do the job well, people need to cover for her… Even if she is good at telling people what to do, it still doesn’t make her a good manager, because who guarantees that she’ll do her job properly? I hope she doesn’t get selected…

    For me it is a bit hard to be told what to do at work by someone, who’s never actually done the work themselves. So I am worried about all the changes happening.

    Have you thought about applying for that job yourself? Or you couldn’t see yourself in a managerial position?

     

    #417153
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    We started talking on the phone now. Talked for hours and it was so good to hear his voice again, we are gonna call more now and start planing my trip to visit him in Portugal! His dad is doing much better and even though he has been working more than he said he would (8 hours so for him a lot less) he’s been on a family trip since Friday but coming back tomorrow. Said he wanted to catch up before our girls trip to Venice on Friday.

    It’s kinda always been like that (kinda like that other guy) In the begining I thought it might be some insecurities, like she came overhere with her friend Y but me and Y work the same department and so have gotten to know each other a lot. She came overhere to start fresh after she was assulted by a man (she had an abortion the day after her 25th birthday) so even though she talks about boys and  other peoples love life she is very avoident when asked about her love life (she’s bi) That day she didn’t reply to anything I said and didn’t even look at me until some hours into it, her reaction to the fact that one of the boys (who has a girlfriend) had asked me to joinwasn’t very positive apparently he didn’t tell them that he invited me. I just get that feeling a lot with her, and then the next minute she seems fine. It’s weird though.

    I am very happy that the Canadian girl wanted to meet for coffee again, because we had so much fun the last time. I have also been out with the American girl at work. She’s so nice, and spending time with her is always amazing. Even when her boyfriend joins we have a lot of fun (no third wheeling there) and they asked me to join them to Octoberfest this autumn.

    Yeah I like her as a friend but as a collegue she’s not very responsible. Even the 19 year olds don’t think much about her performance, none of us really do. They made me café supervisor when our manager got fired, so I’m in charge of the café where I love working. She has to work from 7 pm to 3.30 am something she didn’t like herself. She is gonna start next week after our trip. So many changes at the moment have had me overwhelmed and I only have two shifts this week not three so trying to calm myself down and not read anything into it. I’m the only thay have positivly highlighted at every staff meeting saying I’m setting the standards, and now I’m café supervisor. People say I deserve it, they all say that the café is my domaine and noone does the same amount of work that I do. She will probably get a lot of complaints because she isn’t ready for this position and it pays more so she has to step up big time.

    #417234
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    glad you’ve started talking on the phone with your boyfriend, and that you’re making plans for Portugal. Also good to hear his father is doing better – all great news!

    It’s kinda always been like that (kinda like that other guy)

    I didn’t know X behaved strangely in the past too. She did seem supportive when you had a crush on the previous guy, but I didn’t know her mood fluctuates and she can sometimes be avoidant too. I guess it has nothing to do with you, but with her own issues.

    Have I understood it well that she was raped and got pregnant and had to do an abortion? That’s a horrible trauma! No wonder she is reluctant to talk about her love life. Maybe, just maybe, she is a little jealous of you now that you have a boyfriend and seem to be in a healthy relationship? Because so far you were struggling with relationships, but now this has changed, and she compares herself to you, and in hurts? I don’t know, this is just a thought… In any case, please know that it’s none of your fault if she behaves strangely around you.

    Said he wanted to catch up before our girls trip to Venice on Friday.

    Are you going with X and Y to Venice?

    They made me café supervisor when our manager got fired, so I’m in charge of the café where I love working.

    Congratulations! That’s fantastic!

    I’m the only thay have positivly highlighted at every staff meeting saying I’m setting the standards, and now I’m café supervisor. People say I deserve it, they all say that the café is my domaine and noone does the same amount of work that I do.

    Wow, that’s amazing that people recognize your hard work and that everyone supports you. You being the cafe supervisor is well deserved then! And you love working there too, so it’s a perfect match.

    So many changes at the moment have had me overwhelmed and I only have two shifts this week not three so trying to calm myself down and not read anything into it.

    I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I don’t think your position is in danger, if that’s what you’re afraid of?

    She will probably get a lot of complaints because she isn’t ready for this position and it pays more so she has to step up big time.

    As the f&b manager, will she be your supervisor as well? The best would be if she steps up and start taking her job seriously… But if not, I hope she won’t last long in that position…

     

    #417236
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Indeed very good new, I’m so happy.

    Yes very traumatic, she opened up to me one day last summer where she came to work on her day off to go for a drink with me cuz I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress. Aparently Y and another friend of hers weren’t very supportive of her after, didn’t visit her at the hospital and even invited the guy who did it to a party where she also attended. She said they worked it out and are good friends now, but it was abig betrayal there. She is very supportive when we are alone, and it’s only when other people are there that I sometimes get the feeling that she is mad at me. I think your right that it has nothing to do with me but perhaps her own insecurities and anxiety. I felt the same at the last girls trip last August (we were 4 girls) I felt she was mad at me and she didn’t really engage in conversations with me but when I had to pull and all nighter in the airport after the trip (to go back home) she started texting me and she seem fine.

    Yes. It’s or second girls trip (yay travel benefits from work) this time we are gonna be 6 girls. X and Y are going, me, the American girl, the Canadian girl an a british girl. I’ve wanted to go for years and I’m so excited.

    Thank you! I’m very happy about it, I put a lot of work into it and I have leaned so much and still am so I’m very happy.

    I think your right. Many people have had there shifts cut due to budget, but that makes more sense. Three people left reception and they hired 11. So if they don’t have enough work for 4 people working reception at a time and they can do with 2 then they are saving money. But if I loose shifts they need someone else to work the same hours, they don’t save anything. And since I’m the only one receiving this much positive feedback it would be weird if they did. It definitly feels good to recive this much recognition for my hard work, it means a lot to me.

    Exactly, I’ll only work with her for the last 3o min of my shift. She will be in charge of our rota, stock, staff meetings and making sure things get done properly (which she struggled to do herself) My collegues don’t think she will last long, and since there’s a raise involved I’m sure they are gonna keep an eye out to make sure she lives up to her responsibilities. I mean just last week she started drinking at work before her shift because on of our collegues came back after three months. But she was already feeling the alcohol a bit and the top manager told her she could go join them and get the night off. I thought it looked bad, and the people working were left shorthanded during a very busy time. Not a good signal to send.

    #417249
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    I wish you a safe and fun trip to Venice!

    As for X, that’s sad that Y and another friend were not supportive after she was assaulted. If I am understanding this correctly, an acquaintance did it, someone she knew? May I ask if alcohol was involved? I am asking because I find it strange that she would later become good friends with him (She said they worked it out and are good friends now) unless they were both drunk and didn’t know what they were doing? It is not my intention to be insensitive, but I just can’t see how else she could forgive him and even be friends with him afterwards?

    As for X’s different behavior when she is one-on-one with you, and when you’re in a group, could it be that you’re not very talkative in a group setting, and that’s why she is not paying attention to you? But you interpret it as her being mad at you (I felt she was mad at me and she didn’t really engage in conversations with me). Maybe she is not mad, but she engages more with people who are louder and more talkative?

    I am so glad that you are receiving a lot of positive feedback about your work, and that it’s making you happy! Since you were made the cafe supervisor only recently, I see no reason why your job would be in danger. And if they hired 11 new people (and only 3 people left), it means there is a need for new people, i.e. the business is doing good, I’d say. This all tells me that your job is safe.

    I mean just last week she started drinking at work before her shift because on of our collegues came back after three months. But she was already feeling the alcohol a bit and the top manager told her she could go join them and get the night off. I thought it looked bad, and the people working were left shorthanded during a very busy time.

    That’s strange that the top manager condoned her drinking and gave her the night off. Maybe it was just this once, but it makes me wonder – could it be that she is his protegee, and that’s why she got promoted too?

     

    #417250
    Tee
    Participant

    P.S. I now realize that I’ve probably misunderstood this sentence:

    She said they worked it out and are good friends now, but it was abig betrayal there.

    You probably meant that X and Y worked it out since, not X and the guy who assaulted her, right?

    #417269
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Thank you so much! I’m so excited!

    Yeah sorry. Yes It was X and Y who had a falling out after that.

    I’m not sure. Every time I say something the others reply but not her. She’s not even making eye contact. But she’s definitly one of the people who take up more spaces, and are a lot more extroverted than me.

    Well the top manager just sat me down today and said that even though Y is f&b manager it won’t affect me. The café is my area and if she passes the probation and takes over permantly as manager it’s not changing my situation, so I was very reliefed to hear that. I felt fairly safe in my job but everybody getting their shifts cut and talking about that plus I have a zero hour contract so they can in theory get rid of me from one day to another. But now I feel a lot better. I have worked hard in this job and now it’s paying of.

    I think maybe it was because it had been quiet during the day that he let her go to have fun, and then after I left to join them it got really busy. She started this week and they say she really struggled, so I guess we have to wait and see.

    #417274
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    I’m not sure. Every time I say something the others reply but not her. She’s not even making eye contact.

    Oh so when you speak in a group setting, she doesn’t even look at you? She’s ignoring you when you’re speaking? And when the others are replying to you, what is she doing? Is she speaking to someone else in the meanwhile? Like having a parallel conversation with someone else in the group?

    Well the top manager just sat me down today and said that even though Y is f&b manager it won’t affect me. The café is my area and if she passes the probation and takes over permantly as manager it’s not changing my situation, so I was very reliefed to hear that. … But now I feel a lot better. I have worked hard in this job and now it’s paying of.

    I am glad you received assurances from the top manager and that you’re now more calm about it. It does seem everyone recognizes your hard work and as you say, it is now paying of. Really happy about you, Katrine!

     

    #417471
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Tee,</p>
    Yeah, she doesn’t look at me but just stays quiet, and then start to talk to the others when I’m done.

    We just got back from holiday and I’m not sure if it’s me or her in general. She did say before that she was in a bad mood before we left. She snapped at me a couple of times wanting me to move (she has sensor overlod) and she did keep a lot to her self. One girl mentioned that she does that so maybe i just haven’t seen it with others. She left the group to go out on her own, but the canadian girl went with her. She didn’t want her to walk off on her own. And then when we got back she just jumped in the first train leaving us behind, the canadian girl and Y could have used the same train but she didn’t wait for them. And she was the only one of us who didn’t have to work the next day, but I guess she just needs her alone time and stuff.

    Yes, hard work paying off. I’m back at my normal shifts and that is really good.

    Now I hope to plan A trip to Portugal to visit my guy. I would feel a lot less anxious if I’m sure that he still wants me to come and visit. Being seperated is hard for me, I really miss him.

    #417473
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    good to hear from you! Glad your holiday went well.

    Yeah, she doesn’t look at me but just stays quiet, and then start to talk to the others when I’m done.

    Well at least she’s not trying to talk over you, but waits till you finish. But it’s strange she’s not looking at you while you speak.

    One girl mentioned that she does that so maybe i just haven’t seen it with others.

    I guess she does that with others too. I mean, she did it in Venice too, when she wanted to walk off alone, or when she jumped in the first train, leaving the others behind. As you say, it seems she needs a lot of alone time, perhaps because she gets easily triggered by others. Or she is more of an introvert and other people’s company – if it lasts for too long – disturbs her.

    In any case, it doesn’t seem like anything to do with you, but really, just her personality and perhaps her sensitivity. I guess you have to accept her as she is…

    Yes, hard work paying off. I’m back at my normal shifts and that is really good.

    Happy to hear that!

    Now I hope to plan A trip to Portugal to visit my guy. I would feel a lot less anxious if I’m sure that he still wants me to come and visit. Being seperated is hard for me, I really miss him.

    Are you in touch with him? Are there any signs that he might have changed his mind, or you’re overthinking?

     

    #417491
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Yes I starting to think it’s just the way she is some times. Since now one other girl mentioned it, and the way she kinda walked off on her own.

    Nothing new happened just that we don’t talk as much as I would like. So I’m gonna tell him to just let me know if anything changes on his behalf he will let me know. Cuz i don’t have control over it and I don’t know if he is just gonna forget about me. If he was still working here i don’t think my anxiety would be so bad, cuz then i would know that he was definitly coming back. But with hus new job having head quaters in Portugal where he has lived before and he even has family there. And seeing all the couple at work (more colleagues have started dating) and my guy being do far away is hard. I really miss him and I don’t want to get hurt again.

    #417492
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    Nothing new happened just that we don’t talk as much as I would like.

    Is it because he’s busy? Have you told him you’d like to talk more frequently? Btw how often do you talk?

    Cuz i don’t have control over it and I don’t know if he is just gonna forget about me. If he was still working here i don’t think my anxiety would be so bad, cuz then i would know that he was definitly coming back. But with hus new job having head quaters in Portugal where he has lived before and he even has family there.

    I see it’s hard for you, and I think it’s the fear of abandonment and rejection coming up. And it’s probably the same kind of fear you grew up with…Perhaps it could help if you had a doll or a fluffy animal who represents you as a child, and to just hold and caress that doll, and tell her you are with her and that everything will be fine. The idea is to stay in touch with your inner child and soothe her.

    And also, talk to him, tell him you miss him, be open about it. You’ve got nothing to lose if you’re open about it – and much to win.

    Let me know how it is going…

     

    #417646
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    So his employes wants him to relocate to Portugal. I’m devasted can’t believe that every time I get close to someone something happens. He hasn’t acepted yet, but they just offed his dream job and stability in Portugal something he always wanted and he has family there as well. Right now I just wished he never told me about his feelings for me. I don’t want to have to deal with another heart ache. He hasn’t said yes to it, we are still together and we have an open communication, his feelings hasn’t changed.

    #417650
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Katrine,

    oh I see, he’s thinking of moving to Portugal… It might be a challenge, but it doesn’t mean it has to be over between you two. It’s great you’re communicating about it and that his feelings haven’t changed. That’s the most important.

    So my advice is not to freak out and run away from him. My advice is to actually have that trip to Portugal in June, maybe a prolonged one (if you could stay for at least a couple of weeks or even longer?), and see how you feel with him, how things are progressing, how you feel about a future together… Because Portugal is beautiful, you know 🙂 I’ve been there and it’s amazing, so who knows, maybe you decide to move there too?

    I wouldn’t exclude anything at this point, but would give myself a chance to explore, to see what the future brings…

     

    #417672
    Katrine Nielsen
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Yeah they want him to stay there during the high season. But they keep changing it. Like he did the interview but they didn’t tell him he had to start work right after the interview (it was his day off after working the 6 12 hour shifts) so he had to cancel plans to see a friend. He said said he would only work 3 -4 hours when back home but he has been working 6 days a week (and studying) he sounded like he was afraid that I wouldn’t come and visit him in June, but they might only give him two days off and he don’t know exactly when. I have to put in a holiday request and also I’m worried that prices for flights are gonna get higher and higher the longer we wait. I’m afraid that this will be the end. Like apparently he liked me since he started working at the hostel (last may) but he always lets his fear of rejection stop him, had I known before we would have had more time together before this happened. But like he said we can’t change that now. He hasn’t accepted it yet but I think that he will, wrote him some things to consider in making this decision (pros of satying here and working remotely) but of course it’s intirely up to him to make this decision. He hasn’t replied to it, mean while I’m here cryin every day. I’ve been so emotionally exhausted. This is probably gonna be the third time i a bit more than a year that I am left broken hearted and have to pick up the pieces.

    I have found a therapist back home (she does online sessions as well) and she works with improving romantic relastionsships, from heart ache to attachment style and all of that. I think that would be really helpful for me because this rollercoaster is too much for me.

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