Dear Adam,

I am sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard to see someone you love suffer, and I think it is even harder when they reject your help and ask for space.

You said she is suffering from depression and has a lot of past trauma and insecurities, and it is no wonder that she is internally conflicted and cannot really sustain a healthy relationship. And she too has realized it, and has asked you to give her some space as she works on things alone, probably because she feels bad for not being able to meet your and her own expectations regarding the relationship.

You said you two were talking one day about a hopeful future together (Then after a couple months it went being a great night talking about kids, marriage and the future), but the very next day she said she had to leave and work on her healing alone. I think this shows how conflicted she is: on one hand she would like all those great things with you, but on the other her own emotional wounds and demons from the past don’t let her. That’s why she can’t promise that future to either herself or you. And she doesn’t want to give you false hopes either. That’s why I think she chose to leave – to be removed from the pressure to promise things either to herself or to you.

The thing is that we can’t save anybody. You can’t save her, you can only support her and encourage her. And it seems that right now she doesn’t want to be directly encouraged either, to be pushed, to be expected to see a therapist (I tried pushing her down the route of therapy but I know it is something you can’t force).

So the only thing you can do is support her from afar, to root for her, to keep her in your loving thoughts and prayers. To love her and have high hopes for her… but at the same time let go of any expectations. That’s hard, I know, but that’s the only way…

You said you yourself had experience with depression (I know how hard it is to deal with depression alone myself). So perhaps you can give her some tips on what to do, but without making it seem like pressuring her, like expecting her to change. What I think you’d need is to be there for her if she reaches out, to perhaps regularly send her loving thoughts and poems if she’s open to it, to hold the highest vision for her healing…. but not to pressure her to do anything. You’d need to learn to let go and trust in the best possible outcome….

I know she is lost and now I am too

I know it’s hard, but try not to tie your happiness to her happiness. Try to not sink into depression yourself. As much as you love her, you are a separate person. Try to stay positive and constructive, do what makes you happy, engage in hobbies, take care of yourself. You can also help her better (even if from afar) if you are taking better care of yourself. You can even choose to focus on your career at the moment and pursue some professional development, if it helps you worry less about her and your relationship.

I think it would help you if you had something positive to focus in your life, and if you worked on the goals you can accomplish and that you do have control over (vs focusing on her healing, which you don’t have control over). And of course, be supportive to the extent she is open to, with lots of hope but little pressure on her….

How does this sound?

Dear SereneWolf,

But didn’t talked on real time on video. She be like she prefers to take videos 2-3 times after she thinks those are “good enough” to share. You seeing the issue here right?

Yes, I see… she had very low self-esteem, and felt ashamed of herself even in front of you.

So you mean to say even though I wasn’t being critical but it’s how she perceived me because of her issues?

Well, you said a while ago that you asked her and another friend of yours if you were critical, and they both said yes, kind of:

Okay so I’ve asked this to one of the girl I was in LDR with and she told me I did kind of acted critical and superior but never judgmental. I asked one of my close friend too and she said the same thing.

Although to be honest, I don’t know how one can be critical and superior, but not judgmental? Because acting with superiority kind of implies that one looks down at the other person as not good enough…

But Yes because I was worried about her mental health more. That’s why I wanted her to sleep properly and have fresh and healthy food. And at times I did felt frustrated and she said sorry to me lot of times

Yeah, it’s like a worried parent attitude – being worried for her for not following a healthy lifestyle, and then getting upset with her (not always, but from time to time) for not following your suggestions. At those times she probably felt she failed you and felt the need to apologize.

So to me it definitely seems like an unhealthy parent-child dynamic, even if you were trying to be as patient as possible, and would only get upset occasionally.

In fact, I guess you were upset more frequently than you let on (we’ve talked about it already), so she could probably feel your disappointment and frustration, even if you tried not to show it. And even if you managed to hide it, it was still frustrating for you, right?

Yeah I totally agree! Lot of the energy goes into reassurance

Yes, it does. But it’s in vain, unless they work on it therapy…

So the thing is her parents didn’t waited much longer. Like first her and then directly next year her little sister. And I guess after that they found out it’s good to wait to give proper time. So after like 10 years another kid, her brother And her little sister got attention more than she wanted to.

Oh I see… so she felt neglected because her little sister “stole” her parents’ attention. And she probably felt not good enough and not lovable enough because of that. That can very easily be the cause of her low self-esteem.

I was frustrated for sure! I think it’s one of the reasons I gave up on that relationship. Because If I’m putting time and effort, I want to see progress. work or relationship.

Yeah, it’s always a recipe for failure to be in a relationship with someone who cannot love themselves. If you’re attracted to such girls, who seem needy and in need of your help – that’s something to be aware of and to work on. Okay, the doctor is certainly not that type 🙂 But in general, if you feel better being with girls with low self-esteem, that’s a problem.

I mean she wasn’t flirting with them. But it’s kind of my problem even though It was only a first date I did felt possessive so.. It happened to me a lot of times even though I don’t like to be committed I do get possessive quickly

Maybe you feel those other guys will steal her from you?

She actually complimented me that she didn’t met good listener like me in years. I guess I did improve my empathy skills

Great! Good job! 🙂

Hmm yes, kind of? There’s duality. Like one side thinking is like you’re good enough as you are, you don’t need to “copy” others. And other side is like Wow how good it would feel to be this much energetic & fierce.

Ah it’s like you start judging yourself for not being as energetic and fierce. So instead of appreciating her energy (which you like, as it seems), you start judging yourself for not possessing those same qualities. Your inner critic gets activated… So be aware of that: how you start comparing yourself with her and seeing her as superior, and you as inferior…. and this is another recipe to ruin the relationship. So be aware of your inner critic…

Dear SereneWolf,

Yes, She was really camera shy even to take and share pics. But I had to encourage and reassure her a lot how cute and gorgeous she is (Which she is really!)

Aww that’s so sweet that you encouraged her like that!

After that she were comfortable sharing pics, videos and voice notes.

Does it mean you did video call after all during those 3 years? Or she shared video notes with you, but never talked to you in real time on video?

Well she does mentioned that she doesn’t feel good enough and she always think about what other people would think of her what if they judge her? Even with her therapist she wasn’t opening up properly. She thought that she’d judge her. And I guess to this day she’s still not opening up to her fully as she did with me. I tried to make her understood that it’s okay to opening up. Therapists don’t judge and everything you say is 100% private, but she’s not fully convinced. So she’s focusing more journaling and yoga and meditation.

I mean even though I was trying to “fix” her. I was trying not let her feel like she’s less than anything. Time to time I wrote her letters about her inner and outer beauty to reassure and gain her self-esteem. But yeah maybe it could be true and there was some unhealthy dynamic going on.

I see… she was shy and insecure, and thought people would judge her. But you tried to assure her how beautiful she is, both inside and outside, and that she has nothing to be ashamed for. That’s really sweet and supportive of you. And it’s absolutely not critical or overbearing.

But she did say she felt a sense of superiority from you and criticism, and it could be that in some areas you were indeed more critical, such as her health and diet? Also, perhaps you felt frustrated with her for not accomplishing some of the goals that she set for herself?

Okay so it wasn’t entirely my fault.

No, I don’t think it was. The truth is that it’s hard to be with someone who has low self-esteem. No matter how much we love them, they can’t love themselves and it ruins the relationship.

Right but from what she told me her parents weren’t that strict, But she is the eldest sibling in the family so she didn’t got the attention that she needed. and I’m the middle sibling in my family so I think I can still understand.

I see.. maybe some dynamic with her siblings was going on, which made her feel less than and not good enough…

Hmm I see, Understood. Although I’m questioning myself if I had overbearing tendencies

I don’t know either, it was just a hypothesis. But now I see that you weren’t that critical with her as I thought… so maybe you weren’t overbearing after all, but just frustrated with her consistent lack of self-esteem?

Also I went on a date with a doctor. And I don’t know what to say. She is actually more energetic and fiercer than me. And it was definitely making me feel intimidating. And her outfit was like idk too much??? Other guys were staring at her and it made me angry and uncomfortable same time.

Alright… so the doctor seems to be the polar opposite of your first LDR – self-assured, daring and not afraid to show her attributes and stand out in the crowd 🙂 She also took the initiative with asking you out, so… yeah, she is different.

But I tried to not focus on that and controlled myself and not judge.

Well, in fact, we can have our discernment and still not be judgmental. If you’ve noticed something fishy (e.g. if she flirted with other men), it can be a reason for caution. But if she’s just vivacious and feels good in her own skin, that’s not the reason to judge her.

Other than that I did had fun. She was opening up to me like we are old friends. Which I liked.

Good! So she seemed honest and authentic with you?

You say you felt intimidated, and that it’s because she is more energetic and fierce than you. Does it make you feel inferior and you fear that she would judge you?

Hi Freddie,

no we weren’t really resolving anything, think we just fell in the pattern of enjoying each others company when we were together and buried what we really needed to be talking about.

Right… you said you otherwise had an enjoyable relationship (The relationship was happy for the most part, we get on really well, we enjoy similar things, we made each other laugh and the sex life was great), and I can imagine how easy it is slip into the feel-good aspect of it.

It’s like having a pink elephant in the room and pretending it’s not there. As long as both of you pretended, things were fine and enjoyable. But as soon as you started asking questions, you were made to be the bad guy. You disrupted the “idyll”. Only it wasn’t idyll, but something that had the potential to turn into a major problem a few years down the road…

She did talk about it a little bit with me after I set this in motion but again it seemed like the abridged script and I think it’s a bigger, deeper topic than a 10 min chat.

Would you like to share what she said about it? I agree that it’s a big topic, and not something you can explain in 10 minutes and then put it to rest forever.

I think it became easy to put the blame on me due to the back and forth I was doing and I took a lot of the blame,

Yeah, it seems you felt guilty (and were probably blamed too) for bringing it up again and again, for not being able to let it go. It’s almost like blaming yourself (or being blamed) for mentioning the pink elephant again and again, and refusing to drop the subject…

although I shoulder some responsibility I’m beginning to see that how I was feeling and what I felt were valid too and it seemed them issues became non issues to her, but they were never fully resolved.

I am glad you’re starting to see that your feelings and concerns are valid. And that it’s not the way to go if she believes that what concerns you (and rightly so) is a non-issue and refuses to talk about it.

I need start getting a grip on why I feel anxious and looking at dealing with these issues around feeling guilty all the time.

Yeah, I think so too. What occurred to me is that there might be a certain similarity between you walking on eggshells around her for the past 6 years and basically people-pleasing her (not asking “uncomfortable” questions), and what you said about your childhood and people-pleasing those “friends” of yours. Perhaps you didn’t dare to stand up for yourself back then, similarly like you didn’t dare to stand up for yourself until very recently now, in your relationship?

Hi Freddie,

I didn’t really confide in anyone just dealt with it myself and bottled it up I suppose, I used to talk to my dad about stuff if anything got majorly on top of me, but my terrible friends I tended to just put up with on my own.

I see… that’s an important piece of information that you haven’t really confided in anyone, and that you bottled it up and tried to deal with it on your own (which was to people please, to avoid further bullying). It’s always harder if we need to deal with bullying on our own, without the support of adults. Do you know why you didn’t say anything to your parents, not even to your father?

I am asking because by the time the bullying happened (you said early teens and earlier – which would means around 10 years old?), you might have already concluded why turning to your parents for help might not be a good idea (e.g. you didn’t want to make them worry or burden them, or you didn’t feel they would understand and support you, or maybe they would have made a too big deal out if it, which you didn’t want. There can be a number of reasons – I am just listing various possibilities here).

I know you said there was no particular trauma in your childhood and you had a good upbringing:

It’s hard to pinpoint where this comes from as there is nothing particularly traumatic in my past and had a good family upbringing.

However, we as children are often unaware of subtle emotional wounding that we might have suffered, even with well-intentional parents. If there was no physical abuse, no bullying or extreme criticism, we might believe that everything was fine. When in reality, we might have missed something and our emotional needs weren’t met properly. This all could have lead to us to not want to confide in our parents and to suffer alone, so to speak.

I think I caused damage by instigating this on off cycle we have been in, it’s caused a lot of hurt to her and I’ve been getting anxiety about if I’m doing the right thing or not.

Now that we’ve talked for a while and I gave you the feedback that in my opinion, you’re doing the right thing for wanting clarification and more honesty on her part – how do you feel? Are you still feeling you’re making a mistake for sticking to your values? And for standing up for yourself in this major issue?

I should have been more upfront about my concerns earlier and not sat on things as long as I did and perhaps made her feel safer about talking about her daughter.

I understand that. You regret that you haven’t spoken up earlier, but only 6 months after your engagement. And you’d been together for 6,5 years before that. I get that. But actually, you did speak up earlier, only not with that level of intensity. You asked questions, but they were never answered. They were brushed off. You were told you were insensitive for asking those questions. You were also blamed for not inquiring about your partner’s daughter, when in fact she, her mother, didn’t make any initiative to meet her.

So basically you were blamed for asking valid questions. And so you backed off. Because you probably felt guilty for hurting your partner, right? You did say that in therapy you discovered you suffer from guilt and shame. Perhaps that’s why you didn’t dare to ask more frequently, to insist, to be more assertive?

In my opinion, your only mistake was that you weren’t more assertive, that’s it. But you are assertive now! You know what they say: better later than never. You’re standing up for yourself NOW, finally.

But what I am noticing is that guilt is trying to stop you again. Guilt stopped you before (when you tried to clarify things with your partner), and guilt is trying to stop you now, when you’re trying to stand up for yourself at last. So no matter what you do, guilt is there. And it seems to me like guilt for standing up for yourself… What do you think? Do you relate?

Dear Katrine,

glad you’re slowly feeling better!

It’s going the right direction for me, reacting less and less. I feel like I’m in a better head space now to date, so I can enjoy it rather than it being me trying to distract myself.

That’s what’s important – that you’re less and less anxious around him, less and less emotionally reactive. I am really happy for you!

When he wrote me earlier this week telling me that he was going back at thf end of this month and told him that I really hope that he comes back since I feel like we are getting closer and being more than just friends. He said he feels exactly the same, which made me happy.

Good, so you made it clear that you have feelings for him. And he feels the same…. which is amazing!

He also told me that he is coming back is looking for another, which might be better for us since right now he’s working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week so we don’t have much time to see each other.

Wow, he’s really working long hours! Is it his choice, because it doesn’t seem like something the employer is allowed to request? I mean, he’s working 72 hours per week, which is way way too much. I do hope he finds another job because this is unsustainable…

He is very sweet and even after working 12 hours starting at 5 am he would go out with for drinks with me and stay until 9pm. I take that as a good sign

Definitely! The poor guy must be suffering from burnout and is probably in dire need of sleep, but he still finds energy to hang out with you… that must be love 🙂

Dear Freddie,

yeah any help with my negative mindset will help, I am naturally cautious of people and find it hard to trust

Sometimes I feel I’m choosing to not trust what she tells me and it’s my issue

I wonder if there were circumstances in your childhood and upbringing (or perhaps later in life?) that led you to become cautious of people and hard to trust? Because none of us is born non-trusting, but it is what happens to us that shapes us… So any ideas what it might be?

I am sorry you’re feeling down at the moment and very conflicted. I hope you’ll get some clarity and some relief soon enough… And you’re right, try not to reach out to her for the wrong reasons, because it wouldn’t really solve the problem on the long-run, and you’re talking about the long-run stuff here, like marriage and having kids. And it’s not something to take lightly…

Dear Freddie,

I’ve tried to get her to open up about her daughter throughout the years but she just seems to give short answers and it never felt like the whole picture. I know her pregnancy was traumatic and the father has never been on the scene.

I can understand if she’s been traumatized by the whole experience, which might be a part of the reason why she is reluctant to be in touch with her daughter. But even if so, she would need treatment for that, talk it out in therapy, since being estranged from her daughter isn’t a healthy thing. And also, there must be a reason her parents obtained permanent guardianship of their granddaughter. But she refuses to talk about it.

That’s unacceptable in my books, and even if there is some big trauma involved, she’d need to show some willingness to work on it. Keeping it a secret and pretending it’s not there doesn’t solve a problem. And it shows she isn’t really willing to open up about it to anyone, including you.

She would say that for that type of conversation she needed advanced notice, which kinda sounded like she needed time to prepare answers she thought I would want to hear, not necessarily the whole truth.

Right… of perhaps it meant the conversation is so triggering for her that she’d need special preparation. However, the fact is that she never allowed this conversation to happen, and never tried to work on the potential trauma with a therapist. So it’s like a tightly sealed box which she refuses to open. Definitely not healthy, specially since it may have repercussion on your relationship and the potential child you may have together. So again, it’s not a trivial thing and not something you should just look away from.