Dear Addy,

yes I am fully recovered, no more sleep problems, and also my sense of taste has recovered fully. So I am happy and grateful! Thank you for asking!

Thanks for sharing I’ll watch the video and let you know. Also I want to let you know nowadays I’m being more mindful about being empathic which does making me feel better.

Good to hear! Did you have a situation in which you stopped yourself from using sarcasm and responded differently?

That’s right but reasonable expectation or not I don’t want to get angry or disappointed. More like in serene state like I shouldn’t have problems with her actions, and I just have to see my reactions.

You know, anger is not always bad – I mean feeling anger, not acting on it impulsively. There is another great video by the same psychologist, Dr. Henry Cloud, which I totally recommend watching. It’s called “Anger is a signal, not a solution“. It explains how anger can tell us that something’s wrong, that our boundaries are crossed and we’re not being treated right. It’s a signal that we need to change something about the situation or the relationship we’re in.

Dr. Cloud says that when we feel anger, we should examine whether it’s something unresolved coming from within us, or our boundaries and sense of well-being are indeed being violated, i.e. it’s an external problem. And then act accordingly. Never impulsively or aggressively though.

More like in serene state like I shouldn’t have problems with her actions, and I just have to see my reactions.

It depends what her actions are. If she’s doing something that violates or disrespects you in some way, or promises things she doesn’t keep etc, then it’s normal to feel angry and upset (anger is a signal, remember!). But you don’t attack her, start yelling at her etc. Instead, you take a pause, breathe deeply, and clarify with yourself what it is that bothers you. And then you communicate with her, as calmly as possible, that this kind of behavior bothers you and what you would need from her in the future. So, it could be her fault indeed, but you communicate it in a calm, mature way.

I am saying this because you have a history of your mother accusing you of not being “cool” and “sensible” enough about being bullied by your father. She blamed you for your natural self-defense reaction, which is anger. But now, you don’t need to blame yourself for feeling angry. Instead, you take it as a signal and examine it. Anyway, watch Dr. Cloud’s video – he explained it excellently.

I want to change it. Yes

Good! And you will change it, with time, as you’re becoming more and more aware of yourself and working on your healing… it will change, there is no doubt about that.

Hmm so I knew they’re wrong yet still I blame myself sometimes. but you’re right it’s the self-critic

Yes, the child always blames themselves when the parent criticizes them. Later, when you got older, you saw that their behavior was wrong, but the child part of you still believed that he is the one to blame, that he’s not good enough. And now your inner critic (which are the internalized voices of your father and mother) is blaming your inner child. The same dynamic as when you were a child, only now the critic is within your own head, not outside.

I did started practice (Mostly via sitting and imagination) that but because I didn’t do that before I don’t know how to do that progress of loving my inner child and being compassionate with him

You can try it when you get upset about something and your first reaction is to beat yourself up for not being super calm and serene. You can tell yourself “it’s okay Addy that you feel angry, no wonder you feel angry, this was indeed hurtful what they did… ” And so you validate your own anger, instead of scolding yourself for it.

You can also get yourself a cute fluffy animal (a teddy bear or something that symbolizes your inner child) and hug that animal and talk to it, caress it… Maybe it will help you communicate better with your inner child if you have something physical, not just an image in your head.

I totally agree I’m hope I’ll be able heal those core wounds of mine.

You will, just have a lot of patience with yourself. Small steps, baby steps… and lots of validation of your own feelings, rather than judging yourself for it. Also, if you get frustrated with yourself for not healing faster, instead of criticizing and blaming yourself, have empathy for yourself, have patience, tell yourself it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re lovable, there’s nothing wrong with you… The key is self-acceptance, radical acceptance of all your feelings, allowing them to be…. without judging yourself for it.

The paradox is that the more accepting we are of our “faults” and “imperfections”, the faster we heal. That’s the power of self-compassion.

Dear Katrine,

One of the hardest part for me is that she is so empathetic and caring about people outside the family. I thought that she wasn’t capleble of it, because of what she has been through but seeing her treat other people so well, and then take her anger and frustration out on us, the very people who kept her alive.

I know what you’re talking about. My mother is like that: very empathetic and understanding with other people, but extremely criticizing and blaming of me and my father (her immediate family). As if she is split in two.

With other people, I guess she is doing what she believes a good Christian should do: help others, sacrifice, be kind… I guess she feels good about herself for being such a “good person”. But then her unresolved childhood wounds and her stubbornness come out with me and my father – always blaming us for her problems, never taking responsibility for any of her bad behavior. No empathy or understanding for us, only for other people.

Perhaps with your sister it’s similar – maybe she knows that being kind to others will bring her some benefit (people will like her, respect her, want to be in her company…), and so she is eager to behave nicely with them. But with you and your parents, she probably feels unconditionally accepted. She feels she can do whatever she wants and there won’t be any consequences (all will be forgiven), and that’s why she doesn’t have to pretend. She can be selfish and rude.

I also feel like something bad has been said about me behind my back, her boyfriend won’t look me in the eye when talking to me, and he hugs my parents but will only shake my hand and that doesn’t feel good.

It’s quite possible she makes up stories against you, portraying you as a selfish person. And people believe her, because she is so kind to them, so there is no reason not to trust her….

Anyway, I think the first step for you would be not to blame yourself when your sister is blaming you – not to trust her accusations and her characterization of you. You’re not selfish just because she says you are. You’re not selfish just because you refuse to fulfill her every whim.

Once you accept that you’re not a bad person as your sister is trying to portray you, it will be easier for you to not take her insults seriously. And you’ll also be able to set some boundaries, so she cannot just say or do anything to you without any consequences.

Dear humour,

you are very welcome! I hope those resources will be helpful to you. If you have any questions, please write. Wishing you all the best!

Dear Addy,

thanks for asking, I am able to sleep again (a tremendous relief), so I am very happy! Now I am only experiencing a slight loss of taste and smell, but that’s not such a big deal and I hope it will get better with time.

that’s why I said I need to develop the trust first. And I do have trust issues as well so… Are you suggesting that I should be vulnerable and showing weakness with everyone? At this day and age?

When we operate under a false premise that people are out there to attack us for showing weakness, then no amount of trust will be enough. You yourself said that both of your girlfriends were supportive where you expressed some self-doubt, and yet, you haven’t started trusted them suddenly, right? You were still afraid that maybe you shared too much and that they haven’t shared that much about their own weaknesses, which might put you in an unfavorable position.

You see? Their supportive reaction didn’t do anything to disperse that fear of yours and make you trust them more…

Are you suggesting that I should be vulnerable and showing weakness with everyone? At this day and age?

No, not at all. Not everyone is well intentioned and have our best interest in mind. You don’t need to show too much vulnerability in professional settings. Or with acquaintances and people you only know superficially. Or even with some family members, with whom you don’t feel safe.

But what we’re discussing here are romantic relationships. That’s a different ball game altogether. There you do need emotional intimacy, and in order to have emotional intimacy, you need to be honest and open, including about your own dilemmas, fears, what worries you etc. And you’d need to be open to listen to your partner if she has such worries herself, and empathize with her, without judgment.

Both of you would need to be free to be yourself in the relationship, i.e. to be authentic, without sugar-coating things, pretending, hiding parts of yourself, or walking on eggshells etc.

I do like the spontaneity… I’m actually a Product Manager so maybe that’s why I’m just more organizational.

Okay, the fact that you like planning ahead isn’t a bad thing. We need a healthy balance of planning and spontaneity.

About the weaknesses I may or may not be afraid of that thing. Because I’m sharply honest… And another thing is that I think is weaknesses are just some things you haven’t learned yet and to be honest it can be fun too. … But for emotional weaknesses in particular I haven’t revealed too much I accept that.

Right, so weakness as in “lack of skill” doesn’t bother you too much, because things can be learned. But it is the emotional “weakness” that is worrying to you, that’s what you’re afraid of. That would include feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, impatience, envy, jealousy and other negative feelings that you may have either towards yourself, your partner, or other people. I am not saying you have all those feelings, just that these emotions would be unacceptable for you to express to your partner, right?

For example, you said you’ve been trying to be patient with your current girlfriend… but I can imagine it was hard for you, and you might have been trying to hide your anger and impatience? You didn’t want to show it, but yet, you felt it?

When I said “Do not settle” mindset I meant more for like places because I’m just changing cities every few months. I need to explore lot of places and wonders of nature.

So you like your dynamic job, where you get to change cities every few months, and explore various places and nature in those areas? That in fact is not in contradiction with having a deep, intimate relationship. Because you’re not talking about getting married and having children any time soon (the latter would require to settle down in one place). You’re still in the phase of looking for a suitable partner, right? And perhaps a suitable partner for you would be someone who shares the wanderlust, who likes to travel and hike and enjoys similar activities like you do. What I am trying to say is that having a deep, intimate relationship is not in contradiction with e.g. your love for adventure.

However, fear of emotional intimacy is indeed in contradiction with having a deep, intimate relationship. Those two don’t go together.

Regarding the battle between your weak part, and your seemingly invincible part:

It’s the confusion and battle between these two things does tires me emotionally sometimes

I don’t even think it’s a battle, but I think it’s more that the “invincible” part (the Protector) is defending the “weak” part (the inner child). No one knows (but you) that you feel weak inside, or to be more precise, that emotionally you don’t feel strong because things bother you much more than you would like to admit, right?

Anyway, I think the solution is in rewriting some key scripts from your childhood, i.e. saying what needs to be said to your parents. Don’t worry, you don’t need to say it out loud to them, but you do need to – in your imagination – defend yourself from your father’s verbal abuse. You, the adult Addy, need to protect little Addy (your inner child) from your father’s abuse, telling him in no uncertain terms that you will not allow him to talk to little Addy like that and to back off.

Also, the adult Addy (in your imagination) needs to explain to his mother that taking abuse silently is not a virtue, and that you don’t want to allow your father to abuse little Addy any more. Tell her she might have meant well, but has caused you harm. Instead of putting some sense into her husband and demanding that he (an adult man) treats you differently, she expected her son to be the mature one. She allowed the abuse to happen, while maintaining the illusion of “peace” in the family.

The above is called finishing the unfinished business. The best would be to do it in therapy, with a skillful therapist. (Don’t do it to your parents’ faces). The idea is to express what you need to express, feel all your emotions (including anger and hurt) and by doing that, put an end to the “old script”. The old script is where you just endured and accepted abuse silently, made excuses for your father, and pretended that all is fine in front of your mother.

By finishing the unfinished business you open yourself up for a new script. And in the new script you’ll feel differently about yourself too – you won’t feel emotionally weak and you won’t need to pretend that you are strong. You’ll be strong and vulnerable at the same time.

What do you say?

Dear humour,

you’re very welcome.

the other things you mentioned are there I think. I don’t understand if the way I perceive myself is the way people perceive me or how I should behave at my age and so on.

If you grew up separately from your mother and had no interaction with her as a child, then one thing that was missing was the s0-called mirroring. The baby reaches out, and the parent responds to the baby’s gestures. Or the baby cries, and the parent soothes her. The baby smiles, and the parent smiles back. That’s called mirroring.

If there is no one there to mirror us (to respond to our signals, our communication), I think one of the consequences is that we don’t know ourselves. We don’t know how others perceive us because we weren’t “perceived” (seen and mirrored) properly by our parents or care-takers.

So if that’s what happened to you, you’d need mirroring. You would need someone to see you and respond to you. I think the best way to do it is within a therapeutic relationship because a good therapist is (among many other things) a safe mirror. So that you slowly get that feedback, i.e. response to the signals you give out…

Dear Addy,

thank you, I’ll try turmeric (just googled it, didn’t know about sleep-inducing properties of turmeric…)

I think Yes. and That’s why the shield because showing weakness meaning afraid of more attacks you know?

I see… your assumption here is that when you show weakness, you’ll be attacked. Although you said that when you did share some of your weaknesses and vulnerability, both of your girlfriends showed understanding for it. They didn’t attack you, condemn you or ridicule you.

But the problem is that your father did attack you and condemn you harshly for not performing a certain way, be it handing him the proper tool perfectly, or finishing proper school (one that he deems good and respectable enough). If you failed at any of his expectations, I guess you were judged for being “weak” in his eyes. Whereas your mother condemned you for being weak if you couldn’t control your anger. You were supposed to be “strong enough” (or “wise enough”) to take your father’s abuse silently.

So both of your parents condemned you for showing some form of weakness – whatever each of them deemed as weakness.

And so due to your childhood/youth programming, you adopted a false belief that showing weakness means opening a hunting season on yourself. Allowing others to attack you. While that’s not true at all… but it is true in your worldview, based on your childhood experience.

Can you see now how our childhood experience shapes our worldview, i.e. the narrative we live and operate in? To you, showing weakness means being attacked. And this is probably what prevents you from emotional intimacy…

I do worry about showing myself as a weak person. Because part of me doesn’t accept that I’m a weak person, The things I’ve been through the weaker person wouldn’t be able to pass that. I know I’m very resilient and strong about what I want.

You’re not a weak person – your parents gave you that message. They’ve convinced you that you are. And a part of you (your inner child) believes them. Another part fights against it. That’s the Protector, who says “you can’t hurt me, I’ll never admit that you’ve hurt me.”

You are indeed very resilient (you’ve lived on your own since you were 16 or 17, right?)… but regardless of that, a part of you (your wounded inner child) feels weak. And the Protector part will do anything in his power not to show it to anyone. The Protector part will do everything to appear strong and cool. That’s the part that often uses sarcasm…

On another hand If I do start the dating or relationship, I make sure fulfilling my responsibilities from my side. Giving proper attention, Communication, Planning and Spending time together.

Seems like you really want to be prepared for a “project” called relationship. You want to plan everything, so you wouldn’t fail and none of your weaknesses gets revealed, right? You want to pass it with flying colors…. But the thing is that if you plan too much, perhaps spontaneity is lost? If it’s a project, and you’re the project manager… what’s the role of your girlfriend? The one who goes along and fulfills the plan set by you? I am being provocative here on purpose, but do think about it….

I do have what you can say “Do not settle” mindset.

Yes, I understand… but I don’t think your reason for not settling is the fear of missing out. Because you said you’ve never approach the girl first – it’s always them who approached you. This tells me you’re not a butterfly, wandering from flower to flower, afraid to miss out… You might have been fine alone, had those girls not initiated a relationship with you.

That’s why I think your fear of settling and commitment is caused by what we’ve discussed above: your fear of showing weakness, i.e. being seen as weak.

Dear Dan,

good to hear from you! At the moment I am sick with covid and am struggling with some unwanted side-effects, like insomnia (and feeling pretty beaten during the day due to lack of sleep), although the respiratory symptoms are almost gone. I hope it goes back to normal…  Thanks a lot for inquiring!

 Nothing really has changed. I’m still sad about the whole thing and depressed most days.

I am sorry to hear that. Are you going to therapy? I think you would need as much support as possible. It would be great if you could surround yourself with supportive people, rather than isolating yourself and staying alone with your thoughts…. Do you have friends (or one good friend) whom you can talk to and confide in?

Dear Andypandy,

I am very sorry about your wounding and the resulting PTSD. It could be that PTSD (if you’re still suffering from it?) contributed to a very strong reaction of sadness and hopelessness after she left you. But from your last post, it seems you’re getting stronger and have resolved to get over it sooner than later.

I don’t know why I have been feeling this way and I think it is the way that she refused to communicate, never gave a reason and how she could walk away so easily after everything we had done together.

As anita said, she probably didn’t feel such a strong attachment to you as you felt to her, and that’s why it was easy for her to leave you. Ever since February 2021, up until your breakup, she was pretending to love you, while she was already involved with someone else. It shows her not too stellar character and selfish motives. But it seems you take her betrayal as a sign that something is wrong with you:

Not knowing why she chose someone else means I constantly feel unworthy and the fact it went on for so long makes me feel I was just used.

You feel unworthy – as if it’s your fault that she used you like that and betrayed you. It wasn’t your fault – no one deserves to be treated like that.

I think if you could accept that her betrayal is not your fault, and that it doesn’t tell anything about you and your worthiness, it might be easier to deal with it.