Dear Katrine,

I am sorry the situation is tough for your new guy and that he has to work another job, in addition to his 72-hr work week. I don’t know how it’s even physically possible? Couldn’t he just quit at the hostel, if he’s not planning to return to work there anyway? It’s a pity he couldn’t arrange to start a few weeks later at the new place 🙁

I understand you’re feeling uneasy with him being suddenly very rarely available and then leaving for a month. But it’s also good that you’re observing yourself and aren’t completely drawn into your defense mechanisms. Try to tell yourself that it’s really the difficult circumstances that make him unavailable, not that he doesn’t like you or wants to run away from you.

It’s the abandonment wound probably getting reactivated, so acknowledge that this is happening, but also keep telling yourself that it is only temporary and that the bond between you is real and strong. He was never playing games with you, he never fooled you or tricked you, he was always straightforward with you. He is a kind and sincere man, and he isn’t going to fool you now either. So try to have that rational part of you always “switched on” and telling yourself that he is a good, trustworthy man.

We will make most of the time we have before he leaves and hopefully he’ll only be gone for a month. time goes by fast and I know he will come back. He really needs to see his family and he’ll send me pictures.

This is good, positive thinking! I too hope you can spend some time together before he leaves, and that you stay in touch while he is in South America. He is going through a tough time right now, his father awaiting surgery, and I am sure he’ll appreciate your support and you being there for him (online) while he is away. So try to be supportive and not see it as abandonment, but as temporary separation, due to circumstances. But hopefully it won’t last long and you’ll be reunited soon enough! Have trust that it will be like that!

Hi Freddie,

yeah this definitely correlates with me never speaking up for myself or asking things I felt I shouldn’t, this has been an issue throughout my life, I go with the flow or comprise myself and my thoughts to please others.

Okay, so it’s a known pattern to you, and you actually repeated it with her too. But the issue of having children with her (and also her money problems) was too big to be overlooked, and you had to speak up. Good for you! You did something good for yourself!

At the same time, I know it hurts because you feel guilty for “letting her down”, and so far you saw it as almost entirely your responsibility. But I hope you can see that you only stopped people-pleasing her – you haven’t done anything unfair or morally objectionable. You haven’t let her down, you actually stopped letting yourself down. As you said, you stopped compromising yourself.

So I hope that at least on the mental level you know that you’re not a bad guy and that you’re not being unfair or unloving. I hope this will help you blame yourself less.

You’d also need to work on it in therapy, because it probably does stem from your childhood. Feeling guilty for asking anything for yourself, for asserting yourself…. do you have siblings who were more demanding and needy than you, while you didn’t ask much for yourself as a child?

Dear Freddie, you’re welcome.

I do feel guilty for leaving and maybe it’s that guilt that is making me keep going back, like I need to make up for it, but then the issues why I left are still there.

Yeah, it seems guilt is the major factor. And if you go back, those issues will still remain because you’ve been doing the on and off for 6 months now, but nothing was resolved, was it? You and partner said you’d work on things, but by the looks of it, you haven’t managed to work anything out and it only led to new arguments:

About 6 months later I started feeling like there were issues in the relationship that needed addressing, mainly to do with money and having children. We talked stuff out and said we would work on things but a few days later we argued about things and I left. I went back about a week later and stuck around for another 2 weeks before leaving again. Since then we have been off and on, one of us will make contact and the cycle starts again.

So it seems likely to me that if you go back, it would happen again. Unless you let go of the issue altogether, give up on what’s important to you, and stop “bothering” her. To me, this seems like the only way there could be “peace” and “reconciliation” between the two of you.

I mean, when you raised those concerns over the past 6 months and you two agreed to “work on things”, what exactly did you agree on? Did she agree to talk to you and explain the situation with her daughter? Did she say she’d work in therapy on her fear of opening up? I mean, was there any willingness on her part to actually address your concerns? And if so, has she done anything in that direction?

I’m having trouble dealing with the aftermath now, again feeling guilty for what I set in motion and guilty that I left and hurt my partner.

Yes, you did set things in motion, but you did it for clarity, for your own future happiness frankly, because you didn’t want to get married and have children with someone who might have issues being a mother. You stirred things up not because you wanted to hurt her or because you’re selfish, but because you have the right to know what you’re getting yourself into. It’s a major life decisions that we’re talking about here.

But I can imagine this was met with blame and guilt-tripping you, as if it was somehow your fault that she wasn’t more interested in her daughter. It seems to me your partner refused to take responsibility for her part of the problem, and instead shifted the blame on you. And you, being quick to blame yourself, went along and accepted it. You accepted that it was you to blame for the breakup of your relationship. Would you agree?

I also get triggered by social media posts about guys who don’t appreciate the girl they had and lose them and how the girl is better off without them, so I guess I take this on myself as I have given up and I’m the bad guy.

Has she been posting those types of posts on social media? But even if not, if you’re prone to self-blame, these kinds of posts would have found a “fertile ground” in you, and they would exacerbate your sense of guilt…

Dear Freddie,

I suppose my friends would be classed as frenimies, they were friends until it suited and yes there would be name calling or ridicule, they were the type of friends who built them selves up by knocking someone else down.

I see… when these friends would verbally abuse you and ridicule you, did you have anyone to confide it? Primarily I am thinking of your parents. Did you have someone to support you and protect you if necessary, or not really?

I just worry the damage is done to the relationship and we couldn’t repair.

How do you think you caused damage (and possibly irrepairable damage) to the relationship? What’s your part of the responsibility, in your opinion?

Dear Freddie,

you’re welcome!

my friendship groups have never been reliable except the few really good mates I made in high school and have kept throughout my adult life. When I was younger, early teens and younger I people pleased to feel accepted among “friends” but they never turned out to be true friends and I often had my confidence knocked and let myself be pushed around and the butt of some jokes.

This could be a major cause of your trust issues. Being betrayed and ridiculed by the people you thought were your friends. You say you people pleased – where those “friends” of yours bullies, and if you didn’t do what they wanted, they would have harassed you?

On the relationship front as hard as it is I’m trying give us both some space to avoid another on off cycle, if it’s meant to be hopefully it all works out even if we are apart at the moment. Just have to hope it’s not too late if I do reach out.

How are you hoping for things to work out? Is there a chance that she opens up about her relationship with her daughter and explain things?

Dear Freddie,

you’re very welcome.

She even said once that I’d never asked about Ava during our relationship which was none sense because I’d tried to get her open up numerous times before.

Yeah that’s strange that she blamed you for not inquiring, and then when you did, she refused to talk about it. Also, you said it was your idea to take her daughter out several times in the past, but after a few occasions that fizzled out, and she blamed it either on her daughter (that she’s not interested) or on her parents (that they don’t allow it). BTW did you ask her at that time why her parents were objecting?

In any case, it seems pretty clear that she wasn’t too eager to meet her daughter, but then she blamed you, using “attack is the best form of defense” strategy. Shifting the blame on you.

She has always said she wanted to work on our problems but I fear this will always be an area she doesn’t want to confront

Yeah, this seems like something she doesn’t want to address, and it’s pretty major. She cannot really claim that she is willing to work on your problems, when she is refusing to address this super important issue. She is fooling herself, or at least fooling you.

I have always been a more negative mindset kind of person and I have always looked for faults and flaws In the relationship and life in general, rather than focusing on the good

Well it seems that in this case you were right not to focus only on the good stuff, but also to want to clarify the murky stuff, instead of sticking your head in the sand…. If you want to talk more about having a negative mindset (or perhaps it was the circumstances that lead you to be cautious with people?), you’re welcome…

Dear SereneWolf,

it seems your first LDR girlfriend was severely anxious, since you said social anxiety was the reason she didn’t want to video call with you during your 3-year long relationship. Which means she was embarrassed of herself even in front of you.

So she did told me that she’s shy and insecure, I said it’s not my first relationship but I’m somewhat shy and insecure too so.. So she said we’ll work for it. Now that’s the thing I cling to because she said we’ll work for it. But I didn’t understand sometimes it’s not easy for person just change their traits even though they want it to.

She was like I wanted to work on my anxiety and fear, and when I was with you it got much better I never even thought that I would actually start an online relationship, be this much vulnerable and open myself to someone, but I was always trying to please you and felt insecure that If I’d do something wrong our bond wouldn’t be strong and it’ll break and because of LDR it wasn’t getting strong either.

But to be honest all this time I felt like I was kind of worked as her therapist.

The above tells me that the dynamic in your relationship was that she needed to be “fixed”, and you were the one who was trying to help her and fix her. She felt ashamed of herself and not good enough, and you were tying to help her “work on it”. But probably the dynamic soon turned into you feeling as the superior one, “patiently waiting” for her to change, while she feeling not good enough and failing you most of the time. And being afraid of losing you.

The thing is that we can’t change other people. And you tried to change her, actually she too wanted to change, because she didn’t like her social anxiety and her excessive shame. But instead of going to therapy and working on it, she fell into this dynamic with you where a part of the time she was trying to please you and make you appreciate her. And half of the time she was probably resenting you for not accepting her as she is, for trying to change her and improve her. She needed unconditional acceptance (which she could have received in therapy), but instead she expected it from you, which was a mistake.

You probably stayed for so long in this relationship because you tend to slip into the controlling/overbearing father figure easily. So you couldn’t just leave because she was probably a challenge for you, and a part of you felt good being the superior one. Another part hated it, because she was often resisting your guidance, as it seems. She would sabotage your dates, cancel things at the last moment… almost like a teenage girl rebelling against her father.

So it seems to me like an unhealthy father-daughter dynamic. What do you think?

Well not really. You see even it was new for me, I did told her that whenever she needs space or time she can feel free to tell me. I literally told her that “Don’t talk to me for a week or even a month if you don’t want to or able to, I won’t mind” but just let me know…And yeah at times I was seeking undivided attention but it’s only because I was giving her my undivided attention. Is that wrong?

I think I understand your dynamic better now. As I said, I think there was this duality in her: on one hand she wanted to please you and do what you say, but on the other hand she was rebelling against you because you reminded her of her strict parents (probably). And so she was sabotaging your dates, she had a certain resistance against you.

So to answer your question: no, it’s not too much to ask for your partner’s attention. But this particular girl couldn’t give it to you because, if my assumption is right, she was rebelling against you as much as she loved you. It was the love-hate relationship on her part, I think.

But I think lot of times my pride/ego comes in between. Like why I should always text first? let her decide where to go, let her plan, I won’t be doing the work alone. and like that in most of my relationships in-person and LDR I felt one sided pretty frequently.

Yeah, it shouldn’t be one-sided. The girl should show interest and initiative too. Unless you’re overbearing and don’t let them breathe. But if you’re not too intense, she should show initiative. If she doesn’t (and you’re not overbearing), it means something’s wrong, there is some resistance in her. Like there was in your first LDR.

Dear Freddie,

I’ve just always felt like I get parts of the puzzle and if I ask her more she gets upset or that I haven’t raised it in a productive way and she needs advanced notice for that kind of talk.

This to me is a red flag because if you’re married to someone (which you were planning to), there shouldn’t be taboo topics and secrets. It does seem she was uncomfortable to talk about some parts of her life. And even if it’s not her fault that she doesn’t have a closer relationship with her daughter, she should be willing to talk about it with you, as her partner and confidante. If she is reluctant to share her thoughts and feelings with you on such an important subject, it’s definitely not a good sign.

My concern is if we had a child would she walk away from that child too, which I know is a horrible thought of someone you love.

Well, her behavior with her daughter does raise suspicion about her motherly instinct… And if she does care about her daughter and isn’t the one who is responsible for estrangement – then indeed, why doesn’t she want to talk about it? So again, I understand your suspicion.

As for her spending habits, that too is concerning. She seems to lean towards overspending and as you say, she wasn’t able to clear her debt even though she is making good money. So maybe it’s a perpetual cycle of spending too much and always being in debt. But the most worrying is that she doesn’t want to talk about that either. It seems she just wants be left alone and no questions asked.

I have never been pushy or demanding about her opening up, if anything I let the lack of transparency go on too long.

I see… so you’ve had your concerns, but didn’t dare to ask her about it? When she brushed you off, you sort of accepted it and haven’t bothered her anymore?

I’m seeing a therapist which is good talking to a independent party and although I struggle to open up about things we are digging a bit deeper and determining I have some underlined issues around carrying guilt and shame.

Perhaps you haven’t demanded answers because you felt guilty for being too nosy, or too judgmental? Or she told you you were “too judgmental and narrow minded“?