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TeeParticipantHola SereneWolf,
I am doing a bit better at the moment, thank you. I do say this very cautiously because I’ve had improvements before, followed by a setback… but I am starting to feel a little more optimistic…
Right but Iām kinda getting that I still have people pleasing behaviour
You mean, when you are among people, you worry what people will think of you and you want to be liked? And you say things you don’t really mean, or something like that?
You meant like behaviours that I canāt tolerate?
Well, you said that being among people drains your energy and you don’t know how to protect yourself from that. So I asked what are the behaviors you can’t protect yourself from. But I guess the real question is: what is so draining when being among people? Perhaps what you said above – that you feel the need to “people please”? As in, maybe you feel the need to be liked, and so you can’t be yourself and relaxed?
She seems quite sensitive.
For me Iām not much emotionally expressive. Or like I just donāt get surprised with lot of human behaviour or things. I find it really normal. But her she like really emotionally expressive like a high school girl who feels too much you know
[Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesnāt affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and youāre like āmeh, nothing specialā?] — Yes kinda like that.
So she is emotionally expressive – she expresses her emotions freely. She is not shy to show anger and upset, but also joy and excitement…. if I understood you well? How do you feel about that feature of hers?
Well yeah I guess we can count as a bad connection
Yeah, I’d say that in the relationship department, so far you were alternating between a bad connection and no connection. You gravitated towards “no connection” in the past months, because you were disappointed with previous relationships. But then you decided to still give it a try. And now you’re in the middle of an experiment, of potentially creating and maintaining a good connection…
But I think because self-loving is still isnāt easy for me maybe thatās why Iām finding myself going towards emotional giving and receiving
Hm.. I think that because of troubles with self-love, you easily get into the inner critic (or the outer critic), which then sabotages the relationship. So I think that for you, lack of self-love is what keeps you out of the relationship. Or when you are in a relationship, it prevents vulnerability and intimacy (because you’re afraid to be judged). So, although you may be in a relationship, you don’t really engage in emotional giving and receiving. I mean, it seems that so far you haven’t. Now, in this latest relationship, this might change…
Umm a serious hard maintaining relationship that I have to work hard for!?
Actually, when both parties are emotionally more or less healthy and free to be themselves, a deep intimate relationship isn’t that hard to maintain. It sort of flows spontaneously… But a lot of work goes into getting to that point of being emotionally healthy, that’s true.
Exactly the thing that Iām scared aboutā¦ Wasting my time and energy on a person
There are no guarantees that she is “the one”. But as you grow emotionally more healthy, you’ll be able to recognize people who are wholesome and healthy themselves, and you won’t end up wasting your time in draining relationships…
Hmm so basically be mindful and not overthink about these things? Well Iām trying and yeah youāre right I maybe comparing myself like that but I know that we both donāt have be perfect in every regard. We can just learn things from each otherā¦
Yes, be mindful that a lot of those questions (“What if I get bored, what if I am wasting my time, what if I get to like her and will need to work hard to maintain the relationship?”) are coming from your fearful self. They are fear speaking through you. And you are learning now to face this fear, not to get into its trap again. So yes, be mindful, just notice it as a strong voice in you, however it’s not the only voice in you. It’s not the voice of your true self.
Yes, it is hard. When I talked to my therapist first time, she explained the Surrender in that way. Because as a human nature we want to know things for sure, Otherwise because of uncertainty we get anxious.. and result even more less energyā¦ So I believe surrender + hope are much better in situations like this..
Yes, surrender as in accept the things as they are, even if they are bad at the moment. And hope that they will get better… so yes, I am learning to accept it, but also not to lose hope…
Hmm and those are?
Wrist, ankle, forearm, underneath the collarbone, hip area… I am no expert, but am sure there are a lot of ideas on the internet š
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
Thatās some very good advice! The younger wounded parts of batteling with my adult self kinda.
Glad you like the idea! Yes, it is your younger self reacting out of reflex to protect herself from harm…. that strategy was necessary in the past, but now it’s not any more. Now you can protect yourself and stand up for yourself more and more. And you can also protect and soothe that little girl inside of you.
Iām trying not to take it too personally that heās not a person who texts all the time, even my best friend is like that. It can easily take several weeks or even a month for her to reply, sheās trying to work on that.
I hope he texts more frequently than your best friend! Can you agree to have a daily check-in?
Yes, I did and still do in terms of X. I sometimes get the feeling sheās mad at me. Like when we are alone she seems fine but when other people are there sheās kinda giving me the cold shoulder. Like yesterday one of the boys wrote me asking me to go to a park, X, Y and another boy from work was going as well and I thought they knew but when I showed up X didnāt seem positive at all that I was there and whenever I talk sheās not responding to me and even looking at me. This has happened several times before, and I donāt know why
That’s weird if she is ignoring you and not responding to you. Maybe she is distracted by the group, I mean maybe someone else in the group is talking and she is paying attention to them, because they are louder or something? Or maybe she is even interested in one of those boys, and that’s why her whole attention is on him? Otherwise, I can’t think of a reason why she would suddenly be cold with you…
Am so I managed to have fun after all.
Good! Glad you’re not that affected by her strange behavior… And that people enjoy your company and like to hang out with you, such as the Canadian girl.
Sorry to hear about Y. She definitely doesn’t sound like a good candidate for the job. Because she’s not responsible, she doesn’t do the job well, people need to cover for her… Even if she is good at telling people what to do, it still doesn’t make her a good manager, because who guarantees that she’ll do her job properly? I hope she doesn’t get selected…
For me it is a bit hard to be told what to do at work by someone, whoās never actually done the work themselves. So I am worried about all the changes happening.
Have you thought about applying for that job yourself? Or you couldn’t see yourself in a managerial position?
April 6, 2023 at 6:55 am in reply to: How to fix life when I have messed up multiple aspects of it? #417092TeeParticipantDear A,
you’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started physiotherapy – hope you’ll recover fully and there won’t be a need for surgery.
Happy to hear you’re thinking a little more positively, including how you can improve your life. Since you must rest a lot, reading motivational materials, like Roberta suggested, can be super helpful.
Also, know that you have it in you – to make your life better. You’ve got what it takes. Maybe you’ll need some help in form of therapy to heal those past wounds, so you can have a fresh start. But never forget that you’ve got what it takes!
I wish you speedy recovery with you knee, and slow but steady improvement in the rest of your life! Let us know how things are going…
TeeParticipantHi John,
She is getting on with life and living life to the full and seems to be in a happy place.
But does she have a partner or she is single?
I must not cause more distress with promises I canāt deliver.
I agree, it wouldn’t be fair to meet her and try to restart the romance, when you know how it will end…
When I am calm and rational and we are in a good place, the promises seem to be the easiest thing to deliver but the calm rational thinking gets completely destroyed by my irrational, subconscious, side which I canāt control.
Yes, and because you know of this mechanism, I think you should have as much integrity as to not want to initiate it again. Even if you believe your subconscious is stronger than you and prevents you from leaving your wife, that’s one thing. That’s your life. But if you drag her into it, that’s already two lives affected.
I know that it’s her who is ultimately responsible for herself and her actions, however, it would be easier if you wouldn’t tempt her. And you could probably stop yourself from doing it, in spite of the “siren call” of your subconscious mind.
TeeParticipantHi John,
I canāt rule out the possibility that this could be the start of another āon againā phase. … Even if it happened, I know it would go nowhere as I have never been able to deal with the other side of my life.
You want her to return to being your lover, although you know you won’t be able to leave your wife. I understand that you feel miserable and lonely without her. However, please have understanding for her too. Think of her needs – because she told you clearly that it’s not good for her to be in the role of your lover and wait for you to decide for years on end.
She had a very hard time freeing herself from this unhealthy situation, and she finally succeeded 4 years ago. She now realizes that meeting you won’t do her any good (she thinks it will be a bad idea for both of us), but unfortunately, she is too weak to resist.
I don’t think it’s fair to drag her into this again, specially since you know you won’t be able to leave your wife. Just try to look at it from her perspective, and how painful it is for her.
TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
Well yeah youāre right and thatās why these days I do try to socialize more. (As an experiment) Thatās why I noticed that and I told youā¦ Iām just too much comfortable with my own company but I do need to get out of my comfort zone without draining my energy. And Iām an ambivert.
Definitely it’s a good experiment to try to socialize more and see how you feel about people… if you still feel they’re very different and you feel like an alien? I had to look up what an ambivert means…it seems like a balanced type, best of both worlds.
Like for me Iām not much emotionally expressive. Or like I just donāt get surprised with lot of human behaviour or things. I find it really normal. But her she like really emotionally expressive like a high school girl who feels too much you know
Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesn’t affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and you’re like “meh, nothing special”?
Yes! And before there was time where I used to just blindly believe everything my inner critical voice told me because I didnāt know the difference between my own self and inner critical voice.
Great that you now know the difference and don’t believe everything your inner critic is telling you!
And Yes Iāve watched the video and I told you that Iām mostly between good connection to no connection back and forth
And there was also a bad connection, I’d say, during your LDR. Because that relationship was mostly frustrating for you, right?
Hmm I see so you mean there should be a good balance right?
Yes, for example we should love ourselves and feel lovable, without needing to get love from someone else. Or we shouldn’t feel helpless like a child and wait for someone else to fix our problems. I think those are examples of emotional self-sufficiency.
I mean I know what to do but I just overreact in those particular situations and try to make them in better state ASAP otherwise I feel anxious as well.
Yeah, you’d probably like to fix the problem ASAP and make them stop (crying, or being upset or whatever). Whereas the best thing you can do is to simply listen and show empathy. You don’t need to fix anything, and your partner doesn’t even want it, in most cases. They only want empathy and understanding (remember that short video about the nail in the head? š )
Haha I donāt remember Iāve been with any strict and judgmental type girl even as female or male friend. Creating the good supportive circle you know?
Oh I see… you’re filtering all critical and unsupportive people from your life… cool! good strategy!
But I think that possibility of turn this into something else is just scaring me like what If I like her more with time?
Okay, so you can ask yourself: what if I like her more with time? What’s the worst thing that can happen?
Or what if I feel bored with her after some time? And like what if she is not on the same page as me?
Okay, you can ask yourself: what if I feel bored over time? What would I do? What are the options I have?
So questions like this as well her different but confident persona is something I feelā¦
She is different than the usual type you’re attracted to (insecure, low self-esteem). I think that’s what’s scary because you can’t apply the usual tactics of your outer critic, which would be to see her as inferior and imperfect (which would then serve as an excuse to distance yourself from her). The inner critic is trying to sabotage you, by telling you you are worse than her in some respects. But nowadays you’re watching for the inner critic and you’re not believing everything it says. So the inner critic isn’t managing to sabotage the relationship so easily either…
But something in you (hint: the inner child) is still afraid, and so you’re coming up with these what-if questions, which serve the same purpose: to sabotage the relationship. My suggestion is to notice that too: that these what-if hypothetical questions serve the same purpose, and so not to give too much weight to them. If you want to try to push through the fear some more…
Inner and outer youāre dealing with both of these things which isnāt easy at all. Iām proud of you and I hope you progress better and healthier way with that
Thank you! Yes, it’s hard when it gets physical, when it’s your body that aches and there is no escape from pain. I feel that I could much more easily deal with emotional pain than with physical pain. Because I can’t just think about it differently, so that it doesn’t cause pain any more. Although I think I can still be telling myself a positive, optimistic story, or I can be telling myself a negative, hopeless story (like that I’ll never get better). And that too makes a difference… But it’s hard, there’s no doubt about it…
Yes exactly and I donāt know how to protect myself from that for sure!
What’s the worst kind of behavior that you feel you can’t protect yourself from?
Haha Nothing that shows too much. Like not on the face or neck. But l prefer around the shoulder, back, hands, biceps and maybe chest. But yeah mostly desecrate. Yeah I know itās normal nowadays but there are two things. One judgment from my family and another thing is that gaining enough weight so tattoos look much better. Have you got any tattoos though?
No, I don’t have any tattoos. Not my style, and besides, I’ve got many birthmarks, so I’d worry about damaging those. So no, no tattoos for me š
If you worry about how the tattoo will look, I’d choose a spot which doesn’t depend on your muscular mass. So somewhere where it always looks the same, regardless of how fit you are š
TeeParticipantDear Caroline,
I have been silent for the past week because I had to take a break from thinking about this topic. I noticed I thought about it less and less each day.
great! Are you still managing not to think about it too much?
It could be partly my fault that I could not see that she was struggling and worrying about her finances. And her only choice at that time was to find someone who could help her. Working and renting a place was expensive, the standard of living she was used to. But still, it does not justify the fact that she wanted to use people for money.
Yeah, and this standard of living involved drugs, expensive vacations and suchlike. It’s not that she was starving from hunger and you didn’t offer her a meal… It was a completely different situation. So don’t blame yourself for not agreeing to be her sponsor…
I was able to take care of myself, although I had family issues of my own.. but I had the luxury of living with my family, so better start, compared to her. And she was the one ridiculing me for being unfit to life, to relationships.
Yes, you had a better start, and maybe she was jealous in a way. Maybe she was thinking “it’s easy for her.” But she was also resentful and angry that you don’t want to or can’t be her sponsor. And I think that’s why she was telling you those offensive things and putting you down. I think it was a revenge for not giving her what she wanted: money/the lifestyle she wanted.
Tee, itās crazy how you see thisā¦ I can also see how she had already made up her mind. Day by day, I knew it and I felt it, when I saw her looking at me with this lookā¦ as if she knew this was going to end soon because of me not being able to pass her test.
Yeah, I could kind of imagine what she was feeling, because you said she told you she was falling in love with you, but also that she didn’t like that feeling. She was also telling you how lacking and inadequate you were. So she had been distancing herself from you emotionally for a while, I guess since she’d realized that you won’t/can’t be her sponsor, and that, to put it bluntly, she has no use of you.
I did cheat on her earlier and even confessed it to her, but she wasnāt accusing me of it. And then she made up this story I cheated with some other girl I went to the movies with. It was ridiculous. If she wanted to fight about it, why wouldnāt she be mad about the one I really did cheat with. Instead she was talking about this other girl, the cheating that did not happen. I think it could be because of drugs. Or just an excuseā¦
Yeah that’s interesting that she didn’t blame you for the actual cheating, but did for an invented one. But perhaps it’s not so surprising if for her, the most important feature in a partner wasn’t faithfulness but the ability to provide. I guess if you were rich and willing to be her sponsor, she wouldn’t have been so upset about your cheating (she too was cheating, most probably). But like this, the most important feature was missing, so she needed an excuse to break up.
She did think very poorly of me. I think this is important here. Fairy tale could not be possible in a relationship like this… She saw some good in me, beauty, physical beauty mostly, but she also saw a lot of bad in me. Too much bad. Things that werenāt even real.
Yes, that’s the key – she didn’t really appreciate you. In her eyes you were “inadequate”, because she was looking at you mostly through the money lens. Okay, she liked your looks. But other than that, it doesn’t seem she appreciated you very much. So if you ask me, her interest in you came mostly from a superficial place, it wasn’t true love…
I am glad too, thank you Tee for explaining it too me. You stopped this madness that was going on in my head.
You are very welcome, Caroline. I am happy I could help, and that you found some peace and closure…
TeeParticipantDear TheltFactor,
you are most welcome!
After I reflected on the conversation, I think I was positively surprised most by the amount of introspection, he said he spoke to some peeps but mostly had to have inward conversations with himself and be honest about what is holding him back, and that recognizing that he was hurting my feeling was a huge revelation for him, he was feeling horrible about that which made him realize how much he cared.
That’s amazing – it means he is open to self-reflection and he also has empathy, because he could put himself in your shoes and realized that he was hurting you. Which is very promising!
Yes, it is just logistics and some finalizing of financial matters as things change yearly and there has to be updates. They are ok with planning, so there is room for multiple weeks vacation even, and there has been some talk about Europe trip in the fall, initiated by him as he wants to see where I am from (and the food there is so good lol).
This also sounds great! I wish you that many of those plans get materialized!
Thank you, this is so nice to hear! Admittedly, it was not always this way, I used to be a lot more of an accommodator but behaviors of others (in my past cases unreliability, slight manipulation and flakiness) really motivated me to say no. Last time I dated someone who after 3 months started testing me āhow much is she willing to do for meā by texting heās not feeling good and passing on vague messages about us being together (this lasted for 3 weeks and I said, hey, you wanna break things of you better grow a pair cos I am out if you continue like this) I basically got fed up. None of the relationships where I was ātoo niceā lasted more than 3-4 months, as thatās what it took for me to say see ya never.
Good for you! So you didn’t put up with flakiness for too long – you knew what you wanted and respected yourself enough to break it off if the guy was only half interested or was playing games.
It is hard tho, especially when someone likes other things about a person! These were years ago and I feel like for the past 4 years I have been able to put my integrity first
Great! You’ve learned your lesson and now you can stand up for yourself and not allow lesser treatment. Even if the guy has many good qualities and you like him a lot…. Well done, TheltFactor, kudos to you! š
Thanks for clarifying the terms as well, quite helpful and makes sense!! Also, the friend who gest sick and does not want his gf around, dude, home made beef broth is the best, your loss! (joking but really, that is sad).
You’re welcome! I actually needed to clarify it to myself too, because I wasn’t sure about it either… And yeah, having a home-made soup when sick is the best thing, so yeah…. not the wisest decision š
TeeParticipantDear Katrine,
Thank you. Itās a huge relief that itās getting easier.
you’re welcome. I am happy for you and the progress you’ve made!
Oh sorry itās the same girl (green eyes brown hair, same looks like me and his x girlfriend ) just me not articulating properly.
Oh I see… didn’t know that you too are brunette, so that’s what got me confused…
My guy was certain that he liked me, but he doesnāt seem jealous really just didnāt like when I said that it hurt seeing them together (before he told me he liked me)
No wonder he didn’t like it..Ā because it told him you still have feelings for the guy. And that’s why he was probably hesitating to kiss you, once you started getting close to each other.
I didnāt have the best respond to him when he asked about my thoughts about us dating. I acted very childdish, I shut down and basically pretended I couldnāt hear him, then mentioned that I was looking therapy so I could start dating. I just panicked a bit, couldnāt say yes but couldnāt say no.
Okay, that was your reflex reaction – to shut down and want to run away. But it’s great that you did get together after all… that he didn’t give up and things just progressed organically…
I felt trapped it just really caught me off guard cuz he never flirted with me, he said a lot of nice things to me and about me to others but he is a nice guy.
Right… I guess he never flirted with you because he knew you had a crush on the other guy. And he wasn’t trying to compete with him, because he is a decent guy. But I understand it caught you by surprise that he wants to be more than friends, because he’d never shown it before. That was probably another reason why you were caught off guard and reacted confused/panicky at first… But anyway, that’s past now, I am glad you got together after all!
I am constanly worried that he will leave me. Going from friends to more changes the dynamic and now all my wounds comes to surface, like you say. I nearly broke it off before it started because it would be easier for me to leave him than for him to leave me. I get very defensive when that wound gets activated. Your absolutly right and this is a good chance for me to heal those wounds
Good that you’re aware of your fear of abandonment. Try to observe it, but don’t identify with it. See it as just one part of yourself. The wounded child in you is afraid of abandonment. But there is the adult part of you as well, who sees things from a broader perspective. You, the adult Katrine, know that people like you and want to hang out with you. You also know that your guy likes you and cares about you, and that he stayed by your side all this time while you were recovering from the crush, and that he is a decent guy who keeps his word. And that he doesn’t lie and manipulate.
So when the little girl in you starts panicking, try to soothe her, tell her you love her and that you’ll protect her. And also, that you’ll be her advocate. Which you are already doing – you are already speaking up, advocating for things that matter to you, and also being more open about your fear with your boyfriend:
i am speaking my thruth more and more. Even just having that chat with the manager about the head chef was hard for me but I did it, and I have been opening up to him before he left that it was hard for me to see him leave and he said he felt the same.
You’re doing great, Katrine. You are being vulnerable and admitting your fears and your needs – which is a precondition for a healthy relationship! And it’s wonderful that he too is open about his feelings, that he admits how much he misses you. And also that he is willing to talk to you on the phone. Which means he is responding well to your feelings and your needs.
Being aware of when I start to assume I know what him (and people) are thinking is my first step, because I really donāt want to screw it up because of the past.
Yes, be aware of those fears and try to anchor yourself in your adult self, which is getting stronger and stronger by the day!
I also think I am reacting this strongly because not only is he away for that long heās also no longer working the same place as me, and it makes me afraid.
Right… you’re afraid that distance will weaken his interest for you. But keep in mind that he left because it was a family emergency, not because he wanted to run away from you. And he’s going to be away only for a couple of months. You’re already planning a trip together in June. And also, he never lost interest in you even when you had eyes only for the other guy… So keep all that inĀ mind – those are the facts. They can help you deal with the fear when it comes up.
I have been going out with my collegues for drinks and dinner and it was really what I needed.
Great! You’re having a good time with your colleagues, you feel welcome and accepted (remember in the past you didn’t feel like that – you felt unwanted a lot of the times). It’s good to hear that hanging out with your colleagues uplifts and energizes you…
Work has been so overwhelmening, too many changes Y is apparently gonna be our new f&b manager (after the one who got fired) which has made people wanna quit.
Oh, people wouldn’t like Y to be your f&b manager?
TeeParticipantHi TheltFactor,
I just want to expand on something. When I earlier said that your boyfriend was non-committed but exclusive, I was referring to his behavior of being emotionally not committed to you, since he thought he might find someone better. So in his heart and mind, he wasn’t committed to you, i.e. he didn’t choose you fully. He was exclusive in terms of dating, but emotionally he wasn’t committed.
But now, it seems he got committed emotionally – he said he doesn’t want to let his fear run the show and he doesn’t want to keep pushing you away (emotionally).
So I guess the key factor here is to be emotionally committed – committed in is heart and mind.
TeeParticipantDear TheltFactor,
you’re welcome!
I am glad things have progressed in a good direction since, and that he wants to be exclusive because he feels the deep bond as well. That’s great news!
The divorce is close, it has not been fully resolved because of finances, property sale, taxes etc. They share custody 50/50 and get along quite well, even tho both parties are very clear no reconciliation would ever happen. He speaks of her with respect and recognizes they simply were not a good match.
This is also good news that the divorce is coming soon and that they both see it as inevitable. It’s not something he/they are stalling and are uncertain about. I thought there is something unresolved between him and his wife, but it seems it’s really just practical/logistical and not to do with emotions.
What does non-committed but exclusive mean? I grew up in Europe and moved to North America as an adult years ago, some of these labels still escape me
Haha, I didn’t mean it as a label, I was just referring to the behavior. I think Stellardust explained it perfectly:
Compatibility without Commitment means having temporary mutual fun maybe even for a long, long time. It means enjoying those moments spent together. Thatās all.
Commitment is the glue that holds two people together for the present and for the future. In good times and not so good times.
Some people can spend years, even decades, having a single partner, but living separately, wanting to have their freedom, wanting to only enjoy the good times together, but not really share too much in the bad times. I know a man who prefers not to be visited by his long-time girlfriend when he is sick or in a hospital. He’d rather not show himself in such a deprived state (he’s quite narcissistic btw). There is no depth in such a relationship, I believe. It stays superficial.
He is sure he wants to be committed and says he knows exactly why. We spoke about strategies to address feelings as they come and how to be honest with each other in the moment. So I will take it from there, we have plans for some trips in spring and summer. Iām glad I stood my ground and I still feel the same, I would have been ok either way.
I am really happy for you, Theltfactor. You really value yourself and are clear about your needs and preferences. And your boundaries. That’s fantastic. And I am happy that he is on board too, at least he expressed his willingness to try.
I do wish you all the best moving forward. Please post whenever you feel the need!
TeeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
Hmm thatās right. Is that could the same reason I canāt spend longer time around the crowds? Because it just drains my energyā¦
Yes, definitely. I mean, a part of the problem could be that you’re an introvert and you don’t feel good in large crowds (I am like that too!). But a part of the problem could be that you see people as different, and yourself as alien, and this might contribute to feeling trapped or endangered in some way.
Hmm I hope soā¦ She seems quite sensitive
In what sense? Can you give me an example?
Oh yeah youāre right Iām not comparing and I am aware that Iām capable for cultivating good emotional patterns for myself (Or at least Iām trying)
Great! At least you’re aware what to watch out for, and even if you start comparing yourself with others, you can recognize it as an inner critic mechanism, and know that it’s a lie, it’s an illusion, not reality.
Wow! So this challenged me for lot of things that Iāve consumed in reading and watching over the years. And kind of really challenging for my old belief. But If you have any recommendations for articles or videos or just you want to explain by yourself you can elaborate more this with me. Because I do understand what you mean but I donāt have clear picture just for meta thinking with myself you know
Well, this term “emotional self-sufficiency” just kind of came to me, I haven’t read it anywhere. I did look it up now and it has both positive and negative connotations. But what I meant is that we are wired for connection (Henry Cloud’s video “Why it’s important to stay connected” talks about it. I mentioned it a while ago and I think you watched it).
Healthy relationships are good for our health and well-being. For example, married men live longer. And for women, those women live longer who have a network of supportive friendships. So emotional giving and receiving is very important. In that sense I said that emotional self-sufficiency isn’t a good thing: it’s not good if we don’t have emotional exchange and connection with anyone. And if we guard ourselves from it.
It doesn’t mean we should be needy and clingy. Someone who is alone can be happy and fulfilled too. But someone who is emotionally healthy will not guard themselves from emotional closeness with safe and supportive people. Because that’s what makes our life richer and more enjoyable…
Yes exactly I do feel trapped one of the reasons Iām scared for commitment. But mainly for controlling because their actions would affect me a lot emotionally. Like if my partner is anxious or sad it affects me directly.
So you’re afraid you wouldn’t know how to react if your partner is sad or anxious?
I donāt know if I see other person as my father because then I believe I wouldnāt even want spend lot of time with.. I donāt know how to explain properly but yeah I guess Iām running away because that feeling.
I guess you’re filtering out the very strict and judgmental types automatically – you’re not attracted to that type of girls. I mean, your current girlfriend is self-confident, but she’s probably not judgmental like your father, so it doesn’t trigger the escape reflex immediately?
But there are other reasons as well. Like Itās my curiosity so Iām just striving for exploring more and novelty so I donāt feel like Iām missing out..
I think that’s just an excuse. Because there are girls who like traveling and exploring similarly like you. Maybe girls wouldn’t appreciate some reckless feats, if that’s what you’re into. But definitely there are adventurous types out there, with whom you wouldn’t need to miss out on anything.
Haha Iām glad. Currently what kind of emotional patterns that youāre working on?
Staying positive and optimistic in spite of persistent health problems and chronic pain….
Totally agree and sometimes it kind of gives me solutions out of nowhere have you experienced it before?
Absolutely yes. It’s when our rational mind is not in the forefront, and we’re in touch with our senses and our intuition… that’s when the best ideas come…
Haha I donāt think thatās a good idea since being around with lot of people for a while takes up my energy a lot. Heck even if itās just a single person and if I donāt like spending time with him/her it just drains me. Same goes for outside work as well.
Maybe this is same problem that you were talking about above – you don’t like crowds because they drain your energy? But maybe it can be applied to certain people too – they drain your energy and you don’t know how to protect yourself from that?
As for not falling asleep in the afternoon, how about watching some of those videos on your watch list? š (Turns out it was already on my watchlist but I still havenāt watched it.) Because for me, such videos (not all, but with good presenters) can be quite captivating and not something I’d doze off with š
Hmm so Iām thinking about getting a tattoo. And my grandfather is always saying ānot niceā things about getting tattoos so whenever I think about getting a tattoo for few minutes I do feel good and think about ideas and etc and after that I overthink what would my grandfather say? Sure he wouldnāt like it.. same for my father.
I see… well, how big of a tattoo are you planning? If it’s huge and sort of “in your face”, it might not be good from a business perspective either – if you want to present yourself as a solid business person. But if it’s something more discrete, it’s very common nowadays and not a big deal. And if it would make you happy, why not…
TeeParticipantHi Adam,
good to hear from you!
The other night I saw her and she wanted me to leave because she was in a bad mood so I did. Once I got home she was saying she needed me and apologized but then was disappointed that I didnāt come back.
she says she does need me but I canāt set the expectation that Iām going to drop everything and be there for her at the click of her fingers.
It seems she is switching back and forth (although perhaps not on purpose, but as a result of her inner turmoil), and then expects you to follow suit. It reminds me of a remote control car: she has the remote control and expect you to get closer as she pushes the button, and then go away when she pushes another button. It’s like she wants to control you, she wants you to move at the push of the button, or the click of her fingers, as you put it. And it’s not good, Adam, it’s a form of control. It’s good you didn’t go back that night when she “apologized”.
It seems she believes it’s enough if she apologizes, and it absolves her of any responsibility. But she is still responsible for those fluctuations in her mood, for the push-and-pull tactic she is applying on you. And she is again not taking responsibility, not wanting to go to therapy and work on herself. Rather, it seems she wants to engage you, once again, in that same endless cycle.
I know it’s hard for you to let go, but I think she is playing with you. I mean, she obviously doesn’t want to work on her healing. I think she just wants to have you on “remote control”. That’s why I think it would be best for your well-being if you stopped contact.
Because I guess you easily get sucked into wanting to help her. You can’t just keep your communication to once per week or once per two weeks, as you intended, but you get sucked into the “vortex”, you go to her place etc.
Iām trying to distance myself and she just sees it as me not wanting her.
This is manipulation on her part. Because first she says she needs you, then you go to her place, then she sends you away, thenĀ she wants you to go back again…Ā It’s her who doesn’t want you, but wants to play with you.
Itās all very confusing.
She is making things confusing because of the push-and-pull tactics, but it’s a part of the game that she is playing. Even if she’s not doing it purpose, she is still doing it, and shows no tendency of changing. So please try to remove yourself from the game, from trying to help her, because I think her behavior isn’t doing good for you.
TeeParticipantHi John,
When you have been dominated for so long, not going against the flow becomes second nature.
Yes it does, and you might believe that by resisting to her demands, you will hurt her, or make her angry, and this feels bad.
In 2016, when you tried to talk to her like an adult, your wife got angry with you:
Needless to say she got very upset and at times was clearly angry with me
It seems she also turned the conservation around and started complaining about her own issues:
It turned into something of a lecture about herself and her issues totally unrelated to the relevant topic
It seems she started complaining how hard it is for her, totally disregarding your pain. And perhaps you felt that you are causing her pain, and this is what stopped you?
So perhaps when you want to express yourself, or claim anything for yourself, she starts complaining and pitying herself, and this causes a sense of guilt in you?
TeeParticipantDear John,
excellent! That’s fantastic that you think of yourself as accomplished (which you are) and not a loser. And that you’re aware of all of your good qualities. So the inner critic is not such a big problem then. One thing that comes to mind is something you said back in 2016:
Last night I tried to discuss my problems with my wife. I tried to explain to her about my deep emotional pain and turmoil and that the source is rooted in the abuse I have suffered and my overwhelming desire to escape from the anxiety. I explained to her again the deep traumas that her behaviors have inflicted upon me. Iām terrified of her, which is totally irrational. Itās like a poison in me. I just want to run away and never look back, which is clearly a result of our unhealthy and toxic relationship. I raised the subject in the hope of getting some agreement on what we should do next.
Itās as if I need her permission to leave and without that I will go nowhere. She holds the key to my brainwashing and it feels like she is the only one that can set me free from this prison without bars.
Needless to say she got very upset and at times was clearly angry with me. It turned into something of a lecture about herself and her issues totally unrelated to the relevant topic. She will not release me by giving me the permission that I need in order to be free. I wish she would throw me out on the street as I am at a loss as to how I can achieve what needs to be done.
It seems you’re looking for your wife’s permission to leave, which most likely she isn’t going to give you. Why do you think you need her permission? Without her permission, what do you feel inside, how to do you feel about yourself? (if you’d care to answer)
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