Hi SereneWolf,

Ohh you still haven’t found a good doctor?

ahh, I think I am not a typical case and not responding well to treatment…

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the same with my parents. I mean it could be just innocent love to their kids. But just because they provided me in the childhood now they’re expecting things from me?

What kind of expectations do they have? To provide for them financially, or in general, about how you should live your life and what career path you should take? Do you feel that your mother treats you kindly, talks nicely to you, but underneath you feel she expects you to follow a certain path or be a certain way?

I’ve watched the video and it seems really on point so basically the idea is just putting down your negative thoughts on paper because PTSD mind is mostly dysregulated. Right?

Yeah, it’s a way to separate ourselves from our fears and our resentments – because by writing them down, it’s like we observe them, we don’t identify with them. So we’re less consumed by them. Which means – more regulated, more able to think clearly. And also, once we write it down, we gain clarity about what bothers us, and it helps us deal with the problem.

I also took her free test for today and now I’m more firm that I may have C-PTSD

Yes, I think almost everyone with emotional neglect and abuse has it….

I’ve just tried the method today and I’m kind of feeling like less weight of fears already.

Wow, that’s cool! Good to hear!

I’m also trying to find insights, but I guess I’m just tired today.

Sure, give yourself time…

Well currently I’m just trying affirmations but the thing is that I’m not used to tell myself nicer things, so I have to dig deeper and find my unique and skills and abilities.

Introspection, courage, curiosity, fast learning, openness to new ideas… to mention just a few 🙂 But in fact, you are worthy just by being born. For some people, their talents are hidden because they have been abused, and so they may have become addicts etc. However, they are still worthy, they only need to connect to their core, their true self…

It’s like diamonds covered in dirt – they aren’t always visible, but they are there. Your talents are visible, but I am just saying, even if they weren’t, you would still be worthy…

I took time to write because I was busy and frustrated with work, I think I’m still very much of a result-driven person. Because I’m working on this project for so long trying different strategies but getting the same result and less efficient. It’s really making me feel down and questioning my abilities.

I am sorry you’re not getting the desired results. Is there someone you can consult about it?

Dear Maida,

A lot of things happened to me starting in 2010. I lost my job, then my car, then my home, and then all my friends

That’s hard, I am sorry this happened to you. You say you lost your friends for various reasons (Every single friendship of mine fell apart at the same time, for various reasons.) Just a thought here: do you think it’s possible that some of those friends were around because you were well-off materially? And/or because they were superficial friends? And then as you went through a financial loss, and likely emotional crisis too, those people just evaporated from your life?

Or you perhaps changed, due to the crisis you were going through, and you became difficult to relate to?

I am just throwing ideas here, please disregard if it doesn’t apply.

I no longer have any confidence in myself, so I don’t know how to talk to people anymore.

people always seem put off by my personality. That never used to happen before, and I can’t figure out how to change myself back into the kind of person that others wanted to know.

How have you changed since 2010, are you aware? You say you lost self-confidence. Why do you think that’s the case?

Dear Dafne,

you are very welcome. Thank you so much for your kindness and appreciation!

I’m someone who believes in giving second chances but I feel that sometimes I give too much.

The problem is that I am always trying to see the good in a person and find the excuses for their behaviour. Maybe deep down I am afraid of a rejection. I suffered a lot of emotional pain in my childhood and same pain came back as I started dating men (which was really late, in my 30’s). My dadd was mostly cold and absent from my life but I never wanted to blame parents for my difficult dating experience.

Well, the thing is that our childhood experience with our parents affects us so much in every aspect of life, specially in the field of romantic relationships. If we had a cold and emotionally unavailable parent, we tend to be attracted to people who are similarly cold and unavailable, in hope to finally get the love we haven’t received as children.

Also, it could be that you found excuses for your father’s coldness and absence (that’s what we always do as children). And so now, you tend to find excuses for the poor behavior by the men you are involved with? You even feel sorry for them (I felt sorry for this last man as divorce is never easy). It’s very similar to how you as a child felt for your distant father, I assume – feeling sorry for him, finding excuses, even blaming yourself for his lack of love?

Also I could not understand why he did not want to keep in touch and see how things will progress? It was his way or no way at all.

I could understand that he did not want to meet me in public as they could accuse him of adultery etc.. and he could pay more in divorce. The thing I did not understand is why he did not park in his building’s parking but 2 streets away and had to walk all the way back?

Well, I think you couldn’t understand because you wanted to believe him. Even if his behavior was deceptive (parking his car 2 streets away from his apartment), you didn’t see it as something fishy but you just went along and trusted him. It’s not your fault – we tend to have blind spots when we have emotional wounds from childhood. That’s why we don’t see those red flags…

He told me that he needs the closness and even only a kiss would be fine for him to feel better.

He tried to manipulate you into kissing, and then from there, he would have proceeded to touching (because he said he wants cuddles)…

He got a hug instead and this was not enough for him on a first date.

Hug wasn’t good enough for him, because hug is more of a friendly gesture, and he didn’t want to be friends with you or develop any kind of emotional intimacy. He only wanted sex.

Some of the dating advices (and woman I know too) say that NOT kissing a man on a 1 date is a very bad thing and most man will not want to see you again (even if you hug him or say that it is too fast). Is that true Tee?

No, it’s not true. In fact, a lot of dating coaches view dating as an interviewing process – you see whether you are compatible, whether you share the same values and ideas about the future etc. Kissing on the first date is absolutely not a must. And if the guy breaks up with you for that, well, good riddance! You’ve dodged a bullet, as they say.

Does it apply to separated men too? And shall we always accept it and if not, how to refuse it to not hurt his feelings?

Yes, it applies to everyone. Separated men also need to go through the “interviewing” process with you. Perhaps even more than someone who was never married and doesn’t have children. Because being separated and having kids is complicated. You need to ask all sorts of questions. And perhaps yes, ask for divorce papers relatively soon in the relationship, to know where you stand.

You refuse the kiss by saying something like “My rule is no kissing on the first date.” It doesn’t matter if they get offended. You don’t owe them anything. If they start guilt tripping you, feeling sorry for themselves, or telling you how much they like you, you can calmly repeat “I am sorry if you feel disappointed, but I am not kissing on the first date.” So you just re-instate your boundary and stand by it.

I avoided dating for a very long time. I really lost my trust. So I only kept men who were willing to remain platonic. I’m guessing it was a way of protecting my heart. Then I opened it again and got painfully disappointed again. I really lost my trust.

I think your request for platonic love is your way of saying “I want to be seen as a person, not as a sex object.” You need the man to be interested in you as a person, and you miss it because the most important man in your life (your father) wasn’t interested in you. He was cold and distant. You need someone to really see you and appreciate you for who you are. Would you say that’s true?

Dear Lealea,

you’re very welcome!

I play it cool because I have been pretty damaged in the past…

if you want to talk about it, please do. If I understood it right from your previous thread, you were in a serious relationship 3 years ago, and you were planning to get married (you even bought the ring). But I guess something happened and it didn’t work out? If you want to talk about it, I am here…

I know this prob comes down to my ability to know ill be OK regardless of others.

Yeah, we don’t want to get hurt, because we feel it will take us down and we’ll never recover. I guess we lack emotional resilience, which is exactly what you said: being OK, feeling good about ourselves, regardless of others. So even if he turns out to be a j*rk, we won’t be destroyed, we can bounce back pretty easily. Also, we recognize red flags on time and don’t allow to be abused or manipulated for long.

Dear Lealea,

my impression is that you don’t want to be hurt by him. That’s why you are “playing it casual”, even though you might want something more serious? But his initial comment (“women always seem to want to have relationships”) was pretty alarming and potentially revealed someone who doesn’t want a committed relationship. That’s why you’ve put up your guard and are pretending to be casual too. At least this is my impression.

So maybe I’m giving him mixed msgs. I just feel like I’m not sure what he wants. No doubt I should ask to clarify but I’m pretty reserved.

It seems you’re both sending each other mixed messages… Neither of you wants to be hurt by the other, it seems, or wants to appear too vulnerable or needy. He told you he’d like to be exclusive and he wants to spend a lot of time with you. You were like “yah, do whatever you feel you need”. As a reaction, he maybe says something which sounds like objectifying women (“his talk towards me is pretty sexual“), perhaps to appear tough and not needy? And then you conclude that he’s just after sex. Even though he also says other stuff that reveal different intentions (but then he will say something that confuses me).

It seems like neither of you is really admitting what you feel for the other, or what you want from the relationship. His every expression of vulnerability – when met with your feigned “indifference” – is probably followed by a feigned sexism. Which then is a proof to you that he might be superficial, when in reality, he is probably not. And so it goes, round and round….

I’m thinking if I want a more serious relationship then I should cut things off with him

Well, I think you’d need to clarify it with yourself first if you want a more serious relationship. Because it could be that you’ve been hurt in the past (I took the liberty of taking a look at your previous threads, although maybe I drew some false conclusions from it), and you’re afraid to be hurt again. And so you play it “safe”, by playing it casual. But it’s not really fulfilling…

This guy perhaps has the potential to have a deeper relationship, so I am not sure you’d need to cut things off with him. But you’d need to clarify it with yourself first…

Hi John,

It seems very alien to me that this limited but frequent, and amicable contact is allowed but that’s as far as it goes. Especially since I am told that it is all in the past and is hardly given a second thought so why is there a need for the barrier?

It is strange that she is communicating with you on a regular basis. But it’s not strange that she is allowing only a limited contact, because everything beyond that (such as meeting on a regular basis) would carry the risk of turning into a romantic relationship, and she clearly doesn’t want that. She knows you want it, but she doesn’t. That’s why she is putting a barrier…

Lots of other friends and acquaintances seem not to get the same treatment as me.

Well, I guess because they don’t expect her to be romantically involved with them? You are in a different category because your intentions towards her are different…

I do wonder if I am just an annoyance that is tolerated, which is an idea that does not make me feel good about myself.

It’s possible that she feels a certain obligation towards you. I wonder if you are the one who primarily reaches out to her (and then she replies), or she also tends to initiate contact? I know she was the one to reach out first about 2 years ago, after 2 years of no contact, but how is it now? Does she initiate it or she just replies?

Hi John,

even though the meeting didn’t go the way you hoped for, I must say I am glad that she was strong enough. That this time “no” means “no”.

Any sort of friendship seems not to be possible, which makes me wonder why we are still communicating regularly.

That’s strange indeed, specially since she knows your intentions. As for why she agreed to meet this time, it might be because she has a kind heart and saw that you were struggling:

I think she sensed I am struggling at the moment. I sense she agreed to meet out of pity as much as anything,

But also, it could be that this time she was confident that she is strong enough to say no.

In a few weeks time it will be 31 years since the first day we kissed. Clearly, I’m one of those creatures that pairs for life. Nature is full of them

I am sorry, John. The way I see it, you’ve paired with two women in your life: your wife and your mistress. And this can never lead to long-lasting happiness…

Hi SereneWolf,

I guess you’re right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that I’m much aware I’m taking things slowly

well, she wanted to tell you she loves you, and probably expected to hear the same from you… Because you’ve been dating for a while, visiting each other, watching the stars together… I don’t think it’s extreme, but for you, it’s too much. Because for you, telling someone you love them comes with a lot of load, with fear of vulnerability, and perhaps fear of their expectations… Perhaps for you it’s like something that would start an avalanche of scary things, and you don’t want it, right?

I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast.

I guess that’s why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I don’t know I’m just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.

Hm…. yeah, or it’s fear of getting hurt? I think in people with avoidant attachment, it’s rather the latter…

If she’d met me few month ago, she’d get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha

Well, that eagerness might have lasted for a month or two, and then you’d likely get cold feet… I mean, now you were more patient and self-aware than with your previous date, which lasted for only a short while. And you could better control your impulse to run away, which is great! So I think you are actually doing better now than a few months ago, but it’s still probably not enough for her, since you’re not very “eager”.

And No She never complained about my emotional “coolness”/reservedness only praised it many times.

Actually she kind of did – remember when she got angry when you didn’t contact her while you were at your parents’ place for a week? Also now, she was surprised that you weren’t more upset when she told you about her ex. And even the fact that she chose to meet her ex and is considering getting back with him is to me a proof that she isn’t getting what she wants in the relationship with you.

I am not judging you or anything, I am just saying that these are all signs that she probably didn’t like your coolness towards her, although she might have appreciated it otherwise, in other situations.

But like I told you before she’s like a high school girl she just feels “a lot” so it’s obvious that she wants someone like that?

Not necessarily. She might appreciate someone calm and composed, i.e. stable and not overly emotional in everyday situations, someone who will not explode easily at people or make rash decisions. So maybe someone a little different than her. Someone to ground her. However, it doesn’t mean that she likes when you are being cool and not eager towards her. Because those are two different things – how you behave with others and how you behave with her.

So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said he’s not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) she’s still feeling conflicted but she said she don’t want to cut ties with me…So she didn’t gave him any answer and told him to wait…

If she feels conflicted, it kind of confirms what I suspect: that she likes one part of you (cool and composed with others), but she doesn’t like the other part of you (cool and not eager with her). So she is vacillating…

So I told her take her time, I’ll support her decision.

Okay… so you’ll leave it to her to make the decision. But keep in mind that she is most probably not happy with your coolness towards her, and that’s something that will bother her. You can even ask her about it – whether your lack of eagerness is the reason she is thinking about returning to her ex.