Dear Katrine,

it seems he is very anxious about not being there for his dad, and perhaps also not being able to be with you. You say he is studying. Is it an online program? How long does he have left? Because that’s when he might be able to settle down, with a more stable job, or at least more free time.

Hi Dave,

you are welcome. I am glad that this is a sort of a wake-up call for you, where you’ve realized you need to find yourself again (I have lost my sense of self, mojo or whatever you want to call it), and be a good role model for your children as well.

I don’t think she wants a divorce just yet, but the longer I am out of the house she seems to be actually enjoying the time without us arguing,

It seems you believe that spending time apart is what she wants. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why you went out to drink in March, when that incident happened:

At the time we were spending time apart but living in the same house and I had arranged to stay at a friends house one evening after work to give us both some time apart.

It seems you planned to sleep elsewhere that night (at a mutual friend’s place), and you believed she would be fine with that arrangement, right? You even thought she would appreciate it, since it would give her some time alone.

But then you had a few drinks too many and stayed at another friend’s place (the one you were drinking with), because you couldn’t drive to the first friend. When you lied about where you spent the night, she got very upset. You say this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, after which she decided that you should live separately (the whole thing has caused her to questions if she can ever trust me and has now lost all respect for me as a person.)

While I see how your lying about your whereabouts was upsetting for her, I don’t see it as a huge sin and something that should cause her to completely lose respect for you. You simply stayed at a different friend, because you drank too much. It was a practical solution.

However, what I think is a bigger problem is that you believed that sleeping at a friend’s place from time to time (after a drinking session at a bar) was a good solution for your marriage and something she appreciates. You thought she’d appreciate if you’re not around.

But her strong reaction tells me that she didn’t appreciate it at all. Not only because you lied about where you spent the night, but also because you chose to spend the night away, sort of escaping problems, and distancing yourself even more from her. At least that’s how I would see your actions if I were her: not wanting to work on problems, but distancing yourself even more.

I think that’s the reason for her very strong reaction, which lead to you living separately.

So when you say (I paraphrase) “the longer I am away, the happier she is”, I think it’s a big misconception. She doesn’t want you to be away and out of her sight (even if she might say so). Instead, I think she wants you to be present, but perhaps with a different quality.

It seems that right now, she doesn’t think very highly of you: she is comparing you with your father, telling you you’re lazy, telling you you have nothing in common, telling you you’re like a 4th child, looking down at you when you lose your temper with your son, etc. It seems to me that at the moment, she is looking at you almost with contempt. And contempt is a killer of marriages.

I don’t know how it came to this, but what I feel is that you don’t respect yourself enough. And then you do things (like drinking and staying away from home) with which you sabotage yourself. And this ruins how she sees you even more.

It seems you saw her as superior to you from the very beginning of your marriage:

when we got married I cried saying my vows and couldn’t believe my luck that this beautiful wonderful women who seemed all together perfect wanted to be with me and forge a life together.

It seems you couldn’t believe that she – this amazing superwoman – chose the inferior you. I don’t know how she saw you – whether she too saw you as inferior. But I get the feeling that at least from your side, you felt she is much better than you. That you’re not good enough. And that set the tone for your marriage dynamic.

If so, you would indeed need to start working on yourself, primarily on your sense of self-worth. Which has the power to change your entire marriage dynamic. Because if you respect yourself more, there is a pretty high chance that she too will respect you more.

What do you say? Does this ring true?

Dear Katrine,

It’s season dependent. So he didn’t earn a lot when working abroad, and now he has to work every day until september without days off, after that it gets slow again.

Oh I see. Yeah, that’s the curse of seasonal business – the owners need to earn a lot in those 2-3 months in order to cover for almost the entire year. I guess that’s why they save on the employees and try to minimize their expenses. And the result is that the employees are exploited and need to work non-stop. So yeah, it would be better if he could find a 9-5 type of job, specially on the long run.

Yes, very different from what I’m used to, and he really wants to create a better life for himself which I admire. He came here on his own as a 21 year old and didn’t speak the language. He taught himself everything which is amazing.

Cool! I admire his courage and resilience. To come to a place on your own without knowing the language, that’s a pretty big deal. So I hope he’ll manage to get his degree soon and forge a better life for himself.

It’s a pity that you won’t be able to meet in the next 2 months. Is he working the entire day, morning till evening, or he is free in the afternoon? Because maybe you could visit him nevertheless, if he has some free time during the day?

Dear Katrine,

I’ll ask him if he’s thought about finding another full time job with more stability. Because this isn’t good for him.

Yeah, talk to him, because his dream job may be “dream” only in theory, but in practice, it’s anything but. It reminds me a bit of his job as chef at the hostel – you said he liked being a chef very much, but in practice, he had to work 72 hours per week under a bully boss. It wasn’t viable, even if it was something that in theory he enjoys.

Also, perhaps sticking to Portugal doesn’t need to be a must, since he only has one distant relative there. Although, admittedly, the language knowledge is his advantage, so it might be a smart decision to explore some other options in Portugal.

It’s really unfortunate that his father will still need surgery, and he won’t be able to be there. I understand his frustration. But I hope his mother and other close family members will be there to help in his father’s recovery.

He seems very caring and wants to support his family. Is that one of the reasons why he moved to Europe – so he can better help his family financially? But you say he doesn’t want to settle there. Do you think it’s because of you, or he came to Europe with the intention to stay?

Hi Dave,

I am sorry your wife seems to have made up her mind about separation. I see how you care about her and are willing to do your part, but she is becoming more distant.

You said earlier that she complains about your sarcasm, negativity and your being defensive. Can you give me an example of a sarcastic remark that you used to make? Or an example of your negativity, as well as defensiveness?

To be honest, I get the feeling that your wife might be a little too strict with you, expecting you to be a certain type of person (someone with the initiative, more energetic and bold in making decisions), when you are not that type, but are perhaps more passive and indecisive.

What I noticed as a possibly problematic behavior on your part is going out with your friends and coworkers for a drink and regularly coming home later than agreed:

I like to party and go out with friends and work colleagues often coming home later than agreed,

How often did you go out with your friends and coworkers? And may I ask how much later did you arrive than agreed?

You also said that you shared half of the household chores and care about the children. Which would indicate that you didn’t go out to drink on a regular basis, but only occasionally? So perhaps your wife is judging you a little too harshly and accusing you of things you are not guilty of?

In other words, it could be that you are “guilty” of certain things, but not of everything that she holds you against you.

Hi Adam,

My psych said a similar thing. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about me but that there wasn’t some care factor in the relationship and if she didn’t care for certain things which was most likely related to her trauma. That’s what I gathered anyway.

Yes, traumatized people can be selfish and not care about other people’s needs, but only their own. I guess when she would break up with you, she thought she was protecting herself, since her go-to reaction was to flee. But then perhaps she couldn’t stay alone for long, as your therapist said, and would return to the relationship. Because she needed someone to regulate her (to be her “protector”). But soon thereafter, she would flee again. It’s all because of her trauma.

Yes she would always flee, my psych thinks that she also struggles to be alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was in a relationship quite soon but I will do my best to not let it bother me. I’m very optimistic about my future however my frustration comes from knowing I have a process to get there.

I am glad you feel optimistic about your future. Yes, you need time to heal from this experience. Also maybe to heal that deeper wound, where you believe that you are not lovable. It relates to this:

After my session my psych doesn’t believe it has to do with my inner child but rather a need for validation from a partner because otherwise it makes me feel unwanted and uncared for. Like something is wrong with me almost.

Yes, that’s one of the core wounds and core false beliefs, which is: “There is something inherently wrong with me. I am defective.” Many of us suffer from that wound, and it could be that you suffer from it too.

It still could be related to your inner child, because our inner child is usually activated and triggered in romantic relationships. The original wounding happened in the relationship with our parents or caretakers (although we might not even be aware of it). And then it gets activated in our second most important relationship: that with our romantic partner.

I know you said you are not aware of anything that might have been missing in your childhood. That you had a happy childhood. I don’t want to claim anything but I think that the fact that you are prone to addiction and daydreaming does show a certain wounding, which might have happened in your childhood or youth. But again, I don’t know, I don’t want to push any theories on you. You know yourself best.

What is important is to heal that wound. Where you believe there is something wrong with you, and that you need to prove the opposite to your partner. To prove that you’re worthy of their love – even if it means going against your own well-being and tolerating abuse.

You’ve mentioned the issue of trust several times. You said:

I completely trusted this girl probably nearly more than anyone. I trusted her like family

A while ago you mentioned something similar:

I trusted her completely again and it was broken again. It’s always the ones closest to you.

I hope you won’t mind me asking, but have you maybe experienced some kind of betrayal by someone close to you? Perhaps a family member?

Another conversation that I had with my psych was that I genuinely wanted to help her. Obviously I wanted to help her so we could have a healthy relationship but I came to the conclusion that even if she did heal but decided she didn’t want a relationship I believe I would’ve taken the break up a lot better. Basically she may have been a lot more rational and understanding while giving me proper closure and talking about things. It’s like she was too scared to talk to me because she would have to face that she was an issue and caused me a lot of distress with her abuse.

Yes, she refused to talk about herself and turned the tables on you. Even if sometimes she would tell you that she knows she is difficult to handle. But her fear of facing herself was stronger, it seems. And so she was defensive – she rather blamed you than looked into herself. And that’s what hurt you, and you even started believing that you are a bad person. Her refusal to take responsibility for her behavior hurt you quite a bit, because you took the blame a lot of the times.

It’s sad because I never actually got to see the real her only glimpses. But I feel like if my ex was healthier we would’ve been great together, unfortunately that isn’t reality and she may always be this way.

Yeah, I can imagine that there was compatibility in some areas, and that it could have been good together. But yes, right now she isn’t able to be in a healthy relationship. And she hasn’t shown any real interest in healing (in doing the work necessary for healing), so the question is if and when she’ll be ready for a healthy relationship.

It was a really good session today my psych gave me a lot of closure I was looking for. She makes me feel sane even though I know I am.

I am happy to hear that. Yeah, I can imagine you started to question yourself and perhaps even your sanity, since she was blaming you for her moods. She was basically telling you that you were not a good partner. And it hurt you a lot because you did your best.

I am glad that you are slowly realizing that you were a good partner, but she wasn’t able to appreciate that. And that she wasn’t willing to recognize that she was hurting you (I was abused and She wouldn’t want to believe that or hear it.)

I can see you’re more and more accepting of the situation, even though it’s hard for you. It will get better, with time. Just hang in there!

Hey SereneWolf,

And you’re fighting this battle  very well Tee, Keep it up

Thank you, I’ll try my best 🙂

I was wondering, So I have a friend who have 3 cats and her cats are so well behaved and healthy because her mother was around and I guess she taught her kitten to how to get around? But this kitten is like only a month old and she have no idea what’s going on or how to do things. That’s why I have to take care of more than “Normal”

I wouldn’t know about that. But I guess you should train her how to use the toilette and stuff like that. I’ve never had a pet, so cannot really give advice on that…

And yeah there is fear of commitment there, I accept that, but you know that I don’t want to move forward than FWB with this girl, So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

So you are sure that you don’t want this to grow into something long term, possibly even marriage?

Ah that’s right and that’s why lot of young people are like that because most of the people don’t like to put real efforts for love. They quit after the honeymoon phase. I’m also did something similar, Whenever my relationship got complex, I just quit it. Though I did feel like I did put lot of efforts.

Well, you did stay for 3 years in a LDR. You put a lot of effort in that relationship, but it wasn’t an equal relationship because you were a bit like a parent figure, telling her what to do and “helping her heal.” If instead of two equal partners, one partner is always in the superior/parental position, and the other is in the role of the child who needs to be guided, encouraged and sometimes scolded – that’s not a healthy relationship. So you were putting a lot of effort in an unhealthy dynamic, and you finally gave up.

However, this relationship is different, because your current girlfriend sounds like your equal. So I see a possibility that this becomes a healthy relationship. But it can’t, if you are afraid of commitment. If you’re setting an expiry date already now, even though things have been fine. I know, she complained about your coldness and made that maneuver with her ex. But she realized it was a stupid thing to do. She chose you still.

Now, you’d need to chose her. I know it’s really hard for you, due to your attachment issues. But I am just saying – I think it would be a worthy effort to work on your fear of commitment, while in the relationship with her. I think making that effort would actually make sense, and it wouldn’t be a waste of time.

So I think this would be my answer to your question: So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

Work on your fear of commitment, while staying in the relationship. Don’t stay in that fear forever, without challenging it. That’s my advice.

Yes you’re right. I’m not using twitter anymore. I uninstalled it.

Good! Great decision!

Ah Okay I see now, so his constant criticism and perfectionist expectations are also count as an emotional abuse. I thought it’s emotional neglect because he didn’t care about my emotions or even noticed but I see your point now.

Yes, constant criticism and shaming is actually emotional abuse. It’s actively inflicting a wound on you, telling you how bad and faulty you are. What your mother did was more like emotional neglect, I think, because she tolerated your father’s treatment of you and didn’t protect you from it. She wasn’t actively harming you, but she let your father harm you with his criticism.

Yeah I know right!? I was this close to lose my mind. I mean what’s problem in just saying clearly?

Maybe this is a silly question but I am not familiar with children’s obligations regarding financing their parents and grandparents. So you said earlier that you have a responsibility to give a certain amount to your parents monthly. Is it because  they are not that well off, or it’s a custom in India and adult children are obliged to do it regardless?

I guess you’re right. How should I save myself from this? Even building boundaries isn’t working much. And I’m aware it’s his problem not mine but it does bother me.

I think it bothers you that he is such a person: criticizing, unappreciative, always finds some fault in you. You can’t change him unfortunately. The only thing you can do is to stop believing in his image of you. Stop believing that indeed you are faulty, less than and not good enough. Stop believing what he is believing about you. That’s how you stop being triggered by his attitude.

As for the fact that you have such a father – you’ll have to mourn that, I guess. I am sorry that my mother is like she is, and that we’ll never have a close, loving relationship. She is incapable of that. So I gave it up. My relationship with her is very superficial. It’s sad, but it can’t be more than that – if I want to respect myself and not allow her to hurt me.

Yes you understood very well! But after all this you still think I need emotional support of my parents? Because I just started to feel validated without their validation.

No, you needed their emotional support as a child. It was a crucial need back then and because it wasn’t met, it caused damages (which you are trying to rectify and heal now, as an adult). But you don’t need their emotional support now. Your well-being and emotional health doesn’t depend on it. You can get support elsewhere (in therapy, for example). You can also give yourself the support and validation that you needed from them as a child. In short, you can now become a good parent to yourself.

Which is great news, because you don’t depend on them giving you that emotional support. So even if your father is still judgmental, cold and distant, you can still be okay because your emotional well-being doesn’t depend on him any more.

Wow that’s powerful! Thanks a lot Tee, Thanks for pointing out and made me more aware about this! And yes I think main reason for all this is that I’ve always been and still blaming myself for everything that happened. Being too much “Self-sufficient” like it’s all my responsibility, Like I could’ve done better, even though I was just doing things as per my circumstances. That’s why it’s been hard for me find compassion for myself. And yes I’m indeed a high achiever and very resilient. Thanks again for your positive reminder! I appreciate it

You are most welcome! I am glad you’re seeing now that you are a high achiever and that you did your best, given the circumstances. So yes, try to have more compassion for yourself, appreciate everything you’ve achieved so far and tell yourself that you did a great job. Be Uncle Iroh to yourself, not the heartless drill sergeant…

I did learned empathy but for others, I think I still have to learn having more empathy and compassion for myself.

Yes, that’s one of your major tasks. So now try not to blame yourself for being “late” and “behind schedule”. You’re not late for anything, on the contrary you are below 30 and are the youngest manager in your company. Which is actually the proof that you are very much on time, even ahead of time because others are not as quick as you 🙂 So, chill, and congratulate yourself on a job well done 🙂