Hey SereneWolf,

How was your weekend?

I am a bit better health-wise, so I had a good weekend. I mean, nothing special, but pleasant and mostly pain-free, which is a miracle when it happens.

I am so sorry your new cat ran away 🙁 Perhaps she’ll come back?

Nope. No marriage

Well lately I feel like a fraud because she’s been very supportive with everything that’s going on and I feel like I’m using her just for my emotional comfort and physical needs not giving her the love that she’s craving from me. I literally said this to her on her face because I didn’t want any dishonesty, but she was like I’m just being silly.

Okay, so you’re determined not to get married. Have you ever talked about the future and topics like marriage and children? What does she say about you wanting to work remotely and possibly moving to a different city? Do you talk about that?

It seems she feels the connection at the moment, as she is comforting you about your job loss and all that. She feels a certain closeness, and I guess that’s why she doesn’t feel that you’re not giving her what she needs. But she did feel it in the past – that’s why she was tempted to go back to her ex. So I guess right now she feels close to you, because you’re open to receiving her love and support. But once you’ll be in a better place and less fragile, she might experience that you’re withdrawing again…

Yes you’re right and I guess I’m just not able to easily accept this truth and still hoping that he might change, But we don’t know. So I guess that’s what hard for me

Yes, it’s hard to accept that. I too was hoping that my mother would realize that she hurt me and that she didn’t give me the kind of love I needed. But she refused to see it. She still believes she was a good mother and I am an ungrateful daughter.

Yes I’m trying to be a good parent to myself, Trying to be kinder with myself day to day

Yes that’s what I’m trying I think being mindful is really helping me a lot, So most of the time when I get negative thoughts my mind tells me not be anxious and worried and appreciate things.

Great, keep it up!

That’s one of the hardest thing I have to work on I guess, Because I’m very afraid of getting older and missing out on things, and while meditation I did deep think about this matter like no matter what, we can’t do absolutely everything. So just learn JOMO. Joy of missing out. Being present in the moment instead of worrying about future and stuff, Don’t compare, Ever one of us have their own unique journey,

Oh I didn’t know there is JOMO too, as opposed to FOMO 🙂 But yeah, we can’t do everything and be at more places at one time. Life is about choices, and we choose one thing at the expense of other. Even if this other thing is also good. But still, we need to make choices and omit certain things, because our time and resources are limited. You also omit a lot during sleep, if you think about it, and yet, you need sleep, because those are your biological limits.

But not easy at all my rational mind ask me lot of other questions that makes me feel behind

Are you worried about missing out on travel? Or you’re more worried about being late in your achievements and career success?

Yes, I did lot of Market research during development for that so for a while they won’t need even new features for this product.

Well, they are very short-sighted and stingy, and you shouldn’t be sorry for leaving that company. I hope you’ll find some place where they’ll appreciate people like you more, and not take advantage of them and them toss them away 🙁

I mean only reason is the I have clear goal and that’s why I’m confident about it. Lot of my friends are really compromising like just get wherever you want, But I’m really picky about it. They are scaring me more because of all the layoffs and unemployment rates are getting higher.

Yeah, I understand that people are rushing to find just anything, because they need the money and the opportunities are shrinking. But if you can afford to wait a little longer, then do it. Don’t fall for the fear that you won’t find anything – because you sure will, if it comes to that. But maybe you’ll have to be less picky, you’ll see about that.

Yes, I did selected some cities where I can stay little longer so I’m applying for Hybrid roles there as well

Cool, that sounds like a good plan!

Hey Beni,

Wow, I feel proud that you did/do this work with you Tee. It needs a lot of strength and courage. I also feel grateful that to meet someone who did overcome it and is able to share it in the way you do.

I am happy if my experience with healing can help you too, so I am happy to share whatever you might find useful.

I do feel that way and I would say it in an unconscious way. Like when someone gives me a compliment I’d say. Ah it’s not so good. I’d down rate it. Because I’d get reminded that I don’t feel good enough.

Okay, that’s a bit different than saying “oh poor me” and sort of pitying yourself in order to get people’s empathy. That’s not the same. If you can’t accept compliment, and you downgrade it, it shows you don’t feel good enough. So you’re like overly shy and meek and lack confidence. But you’re not trying to “manipulate” people to give you love by complaining how hard it is for you, right?

Because I thought, based on what you said 2 posts ago, that you tend to pity yourself in front to others, and sort of try to extract their sympathy. And that it results in tension, because people don’t like to be around people who complain a lot. But that’s probably not what’s happening? You’re not really complaining too much, are you? In fact, earlier you said that you have trouble asking for help and that you feel you need to first give something to people (e.g. organize a garden party), so they would want to hang out with you. You believe you need to first deserve to receive love, right?

This might be how tension builds up yes. I don’t see trough it yet.

So if you’re not complaining and pitying yourself, what’s the tension you feel with people? What are the situations in which you feel tension?

Okay, I observed that treating little Beni in a pity way does strengthen the belief that he’s poor. I try to tell him in the way I mentioned above: “Don’t be silly my love, you know this is not true anymore”. It feels like this can help.

Yeah, if you treat little Beni with a sense of sympathy, i.e. feel pity for him, it only makes things worse. What he needs is empathy. You know the difference between empathy and sympathy, right? There is a great animation about that, with the words of Brene Brown. Perhaps you’ve seen it. It’s on youtube, titled Brene Brown on Empathy vs Sympathy.

What little Beni needs is empathy: he needs you to understand him and see how hurt he was. Don’t tell him “don’t be silly, my love.” Rather tell him “I hear you, my love. I know how hard it is for you. But don’t worry, I am here for you. I won’t leave you. Everything’s going to be fine.”

Something like that… You’re already doing great by addressing him with love. You’re not reprimanding him. You just need more of that love, compassion and understanding. And as little judgment as possible.

So yeah, you’re on the right track with that, just be even more aware of your words. Try not to feel impatient with the little Beni, only give him support and understanding. That’s how you’ll give him real soothing.

How does this sound?

It is really difficult to give it to myself. I met some people this year who could make me feel that I’m good enough. A very wholesome experience. I belief you also do it.

Thank you, Beni. I know it’s hard to love ourselves, if we are made to believe that we are unlovable and unworthy. That we’re not good enough. I know because it was the same for me. I actually received that first “jolt” of love by meditating on Jesus. Yeah. I didn’t receive it from any person around me (although I did and still do have a good and loving husband). But somehow I always felt a hole in my heart, I felt unlovable for a long time. And then in a meditation on Jesus (whom I imagined as unconditionally loving and non-judgmental), I asked him to fill my heart with love. And it happened. That’s the first time I really felt lovable.

Well, that was my experience. You don’t have to do it like that, of course. But sometimes, when there is no one to give us that first jolt of love, we can call for a higher power, if we believe in one. Alternatively, surrounding yourself with loving, compassionate people, and seeking support in therapy are the best ways to feel that love. To accept that we are lovable and worthy.

I think the best I can do atm is to not put pressure on him. I think I need to give him space that he can trust me again.

Yes, you’re seeing it correctly. Putting a pressure on him is the opposite of showing him empathy. He needs soothing and empathy right now, and no expectations. So you’re completely right: what you need right now is self-compassion, meaning compassion for both yourself as a child and yourself now. Self-compassion is like a magic potion, with which true healing begins.

Also I work on making other people feeling good enough. I belief that the mind does not differentiate and by strengthening the trait, I’ll be able to give it to myself later on.

Hmmm… it doesn’t necessarily mean that if we have love and compassion for others, we also have it for ourselves. There are a lot of people who give and give to others (people pleasers for example), but harm themselves in the process. You said earlier that you “naturally take care of everyone around you”:

I naturaly take care of everyone around me. Boundaries and my business, not my business are things I reflect upon a lot. I have to be very careful to only give with harmony to myself.

This tells me that you’re actually very good at giving, and making people feel good enough. Or am I misunderstanding that?

Yes, I belief this is it. I met her a week ago and I saw it in her eyes.

You mean, her neediness and the lack of ability to listen to you and empathize with you?

Hi Freddie,

I am glad you realize that it would be best to let her go and move on. Because even though there were great times, even idyllic times in your relationship, it was only until you were willing to keep a blind eye on the important issues. Whenever you “poked” her to open up, it wasn’t fun and idyllic anymore. She would become defensive, start blaming you and you would back off to keep the peace.

That was the dynamic. So keep that in mind whenever you start missing the good times and how much fun you had together. It was all conditional on you not asking important questions.

I naturally blame myself for anything that goes wrong in my life and because my ex and her friends, one of which I spoke to a week ago have put everything on me and the breakup was a result of my issues.

Yes, we talked about your propensity to blame yourself on your previous thread. And her remarks fell on fertile ground because you accepted the blame. You took it on yourself. And then her friends just confirmed her position, because obviously they don’t know everything what was happening behind close doors. She told them her version and they trusted her.

In fact, let me ask you: how good do those friends of hers know you? Have you talked to them about what’s troubling you? Do they know your side of the story?

I think the whole thing has been made harder by her meeting someone and almost forgetting about me and what she said she felt about me overnight,

I think when you got together in May, she was hoping you’d dropped the issue by then and would stop “buggering” her. I guess in her mind, you were perfect – if you wouldn’t bugger her with those difficult questions. She probably loved this tame, silent you, who wouldn’t ask uncomfortable questions. She was hoping she would get him back.

But when you said you still have to work on your anxiety, she realized you can’t drop the issue. She realized nothing really changed – neither you want to change to accommodate her, nor she wants to change to accommodate you. And that’s it. That’s why it was probably easy for her to let go of you when someone else came along.

The whole thing just got me to a really dark place where I’m just angry at myself and beating myself up whilst hurting and feeling lonely.

I am really sorry, Freddie. You were made to believe it was all your fault – that’s why you are angry at yourself. You also believe it’s a great loss, because you focus on the good times. But try to see the whole picture: which was that good times lasted only as long as you didn’t bring up uncomfortable questions. As long as you pretended that everything was fine.

I understand you’re feeling lonely, because it felt good to be close to her. But again, you couldn’t be yourself around her – you needed to suppress certain parts so she wouldn’t be upset. It wasn’t true intimacy, but a conditional one. And I think you want someone with whom you can be completely honest and not have taboo topics and lies.

I’m starting some cbt counselling which will hopefully help and I’m going the doctors to let him know where my head is and hopefully I can get some medication to help with my mood and mindset as well.

Good to hear you’re going to therapy. I hope you can get to the root of your guilt. We’ve talked a little about it on your previous thread, but didn’t get to any conclusions. If you want to talk some more about what you believe caused this deep guilt, you are very welcome.

Dear Katrine,

Well, more people were there including a relative of his and a girl. He was wearing a sombrero and the pictures of them had hearts and the caption my european family.

That’s all nice and innocent. But as you say, you’re not included in his life, even in big events like his birthday. And he doesn’t seem to miss you much either (No I wish you were here or anything.)

 I mean we agreed to take the romance off of the table since we were in different countries

Hmmm, I was in a LDR for 5 years before finally moving to my husband’s country and settling there. We were visiting each other once a month approximately. I think you could do the same, if there were willingness. But it seems he doesn’t want to create space for those visits, since he is working non-stop or studying. So basically his life is full already and he doesn’t have time for you.

He talked about me coming to Portugal several times but didn’t make any plans, I feel played for a fool.

Yeah, it’s all in theory, but in practice, he isn’t making an effort to see you. And I am sure he could have gotten at least one free day, if he really wanted to. Because if they are “honoring” him by throwing him a birthday party, they would have probably honored him by giving him a free day, so his girlfriend could visit. So yeah, he isn’t making an effort, he is doing his own thing, and you seem to be at the periphery.

May I ask something though: whose idea was to take romance off the table? Because I must say I am confused by that. Because if you take romance off of the table, that basically means that you agreed to not have a relationship, but to be friends only, right? And if so, then his behavior isn’t very surprising. However, it is surprising if you were in a gf-bf type of relationship…

I don’t want to be in this position anymore and gonna stop contacting him. I’ll focus on myself and going out exploring this amazing city, there’s heaps of events and things to do this summer. I’m thinking about going to Amsterdam for a couple of days (I’ve always wanted to go) and I can get two nights there for free. Y is having a birthday party on Friday and I’m invited, that will be fun and I heard that we will be having a staff party on a boat in two weeks, that’s sounds fun!

It’s great that you decided to focus on yourself and not sit at home, pitying yourself. He doesn’t seem to miss you unfortunately, and there isn’t enough willingness to make the relationship work. So you’re right, there’s no point in pushing something that he’s not too eager about.

I am glad you don’t seem too devastated about it and are looking forward to having some fun time with your friends, and traveling to Amsterdam. That’s a very healthy attitude!

Hi Adam,

how are things? How have you been?

Dear Katrine,

oh no, that’s such a bad luck! Maybe he didn’t answer about the new surgery appointment, simply because it’s still not sure when the doctor will recover. But I get your frustration. It’s just a lot, and the fact that he’s not with you on his birthday but out partying with his boss is particularly annoying. Okay, I also think the context is important, e.g. if they were alone partying or there were other coworkers present. Perhaps they wanted to throw him a birthday party, and that’s all it is.

But still, I get you. He is not that far away from you, and yet, he seems so far and unreachable, because of all these obstacles and circumstances in his life. I don’t know if he’s shown any commitment to you, and some concrete plans for the future, or he’s just going along, dealing with his stuff and trying to solve the issues that life throws at him, but not really having you as a priority in any sense? Having organized a meeting for his birthday would have been one such sign of commitment, and it didn’t happen.

So to be honest, I don’t like it either. I know he has a lot on his plate, but it does seem like he lacks commitment. Does he talk about your future together at all (including meeting you), or he avoids the topic and only talks about his problems?

Hi Beni,

I am back. It seems to have been a false alarm and I don’t have appendicitis. So they sent me home. I am relieved!

I am so glad that my words touched you and resonated with you.

I’m glad I mentioned it. I do it that way because it’s scary and in the moment I’m overwhelmed. I’d like to express my needs in a gentle, assertively way so they can be received easy.

Right, you’re afraid to appear too demanding. Perhaps you believe that expressing needs is selfish – that you are selfish if you do that?

Yes, it makes it more difficult to love. When I do, I can have thought patterns which tell me: “You do it to be liked”, “your manipulating people to like you”.

Actually this seems that you do believe that expressing needs is selfish. You are reprimanding yourself for having needs. You believe that even your purest, selfless love could be interpreted as manipulation and dishonest.

Yes, the word martyr fits in well.  … I belief she couldn’t give me space, maybe I was part of meeting her needs. Like when you ask “how are you” but actually you create space to tell how you feel.

I see. Yes, a martyr mother doesn’t really meet our emotional needs. Perhaps she meets our physical needs (she cooks for us, works hard so we can have nice things, etc), but she does that not with sincere love, but with “oh poor me, I am sacrificing so much for you, and you’re so ungrateful” type of attitude. She makes us feel guilty for being a child and having needs. She makes herself a martyr and we’re almost the “villain” for wanting anything from her. Perhaps you experienced something like that?

 I belief she couldn’t give me space, maybe I was part of meeting her needs. Like when you ask “how are you” but actually you create space to tell how you feel.

Right, she isn’t really interested in knowing how you are, but actually wants to talk about herself, and how hard her life is, right? She doesn’t have interest and cannot truly meet your emotional needs, because she is so needy herself.

I can see how with such a mother, you felt that your needs are selfish. That everything you did to connect emotionally – even expressing the purest, the most selfless love – would be deemed selfish.

When I was a child, my own mother would often reject my kisses and hugs (i.e. my sincere expression of love and affection), telling me that it’s stupidity, that it’s unnecessary, that such displays of affection are dishonest, or that it will spoil the child etc.

I am mentioning this, because my mother conditioned me to believe that needing physical affection is stupid and weakness. That my legitimate needs as a child were somehow “illegitimate”.

Perhaps your mother too conditioned you to believe that your basic emotional needs were illegitimate, and that needing love was selfish and manipulative?

You know, I don’t really remember what I did and what she did I can’t find much in my memory. I see her now and in sometimes I see myself. She also struggles with connection, I don’t think she has a best friend besides my dad.
I’m not sure if I tried to help her. I’m more prone to the freeze or self destructive behavior.

I see. You were more prone to dissociation then. It’s a defense mechanism. It happens because when we are a child, it’s too painful to stay present with such an emotionally (or even physically) unresponsive mother. The pain of feeling unloved is too much. And so we freeze and dissociate. That’s how we escape that immense pain of not being soothed, of no one coming to our rescue when we are in distress.

It could very easily be that your freeze and dissociation today is actually the same defense mechanism that you used as a child to escape the emotional deprivation you felt around your mother, and in your household in general (because you said your father was involved with his business, and the only emotionally available person was your grandmother.)

It’s hard to grow up like that, Beni. I totally feel your pain and your terror, actually, of not having anyone to emotionally regulate you, to be there for you in distress. But what’s amazing is that you are very aware of your needs: you know that what you need when you freeze is that someone put a hand on your shoulder and tell you “it’s going to be okay”.

That’s such a great observation, Beni. And so true. Because in fact, it’s your inner child who needs soothing and reassurance that everything’s going to be fine.

Over time, as you heal and develop emotional strength, you the adult Beni will be able to soothe the little Beni. You’ll be able to soothe yourself by putting one hand on your shoulder, and telling yourself “don’t worry, it’s going to be fine”. Right now, you still might need others to tell you this, and it’s completely okay. But with time, you’ll be able to tell it to yourself.

I had a massage workshop last year and we would be shown a sequence and then my memory would not work when I’d have to repeat. It was a very secure and loving environment.

The good bad thing is in my new job is that I’m seen. I can’t hide well, they know when I’m in zombie mode.

It’s wonderful you go to events where people are secure and loving. And also that you work at a safe, supportive place. If indeed you work in a more of a New Age field (e.g. massage therapy), there is a greater chance that your coworkers would be supportive and understand your needs. That they wouldn’t look at you strangely if you tell them you need a hug or a pat on the back when you’re in distress. So you can indeed ask them to be that safe person for you, while you are working on your healing.

I think I’m afaid to loose the job and the people in the job. I lost my last job and it felt like a breakup.

I can imagine you don’t want to lose this job, since the people are so supportive and they meet some of your emotional needs. Perhaps it will help you to see the situation with this new perspective: that it is your inner child who is probably freezing when you feel in distress, and that the goal is to heal enough so you can be a good, loving parent to your inner child.

If you see things this way, you won’t feel so dependent on your coworkers to meet your needs (although it’s great that they are loving and supportive), and you’ll begin to rely more on yourself. So perhaps you’ll be able to feel more relaxed at your job and not so afraid to “mess up” and lose the people around you.

Does this make sense?