Hi Anita,

Tee, Sept 6: “Anita, if you truly want to share honestly, then start by being truthful about some basic facts…”- Ouch!.. How can I possibly proceed communicating with you toward a resolution when you are calling me a liar?

No, I am not calling you a liar. I said that you pretend not to remember whom you were talking about, when it’s pretty clear that it can only be two people. I’m not calling you a liar in general. And if you truly didn’t remember whom you were talking about, I apologize for wrongly accusing you. But it seems you don’t want to communicate with me, i.e. you don’t want to share openly, and you find excuses why you shouldn’t.

But Anita, why don’t you address the issues that were raised by other members? You don’t need to talk to me, or work towards conflict resolution with me, if you don’t want to. Talk to other forum members.

I know you did, previously, expressing your affection. But I think everybody would appreciate if you addressed the pain points as well. As I said, some people felt that this place isn’t safe enough because of how you react to different opinions. Would you like to speak about that?

Hi Alessa,

I think what Anita is trying to say is that she chose her words carefully.

She doesn’t remember if it was both of us, or if it was me.

Well, the point I was trying to make in that post is that she was accusing either one of us or both of us of being similar to her mother. It wasn’t a third community member. In fact, now that I’ve taken a look at the original posts, she was probably accusing only me (Keep current invalidating people out of my personal space: people who continue my mother’s work of invalidation and judgment.. however politely..), because at that point, she was still okay with you, she saw you as supportive.

I’m not trying to defend Anita, just stating facts and trying to prevent another argument.

I appreciate you aiming for precision, but my post on Sept 4 wasn’t about claiming who exactly she was talking about (it could have been only 2 people, and actually now I see it was probably only me, based on the timing).

The point of my post was that Anita felt we were abusing her, and she wrote in her journal as if we were abusing her. In that post, I suggested that this was her perception, based on her emotional reasoning, not the reality, and whether she is willing to consider that. I think that now lamenting whether it was just me or both of us whom she was talking about is beside the point.

And Alessa, I’m certainly not interested in another argument with Anita. I’m interested in facts, and I’d be happy if we could engage truthfully and honestly.

Hi Anita,

Oh, I just remembered how or why my conflict with you Tee, started. I remember that you suggested that I am yet to feel compassion for my mother, and that feeling compassion for her will help me.

I explained to you- in detail and repeatedly that I felt TOO MUCH compassion for her my whole life, that I drowned in compassion for her (her pain was Everything, mine was Nothing), and yet you insisted, Tee, that I didn’t yet- or should feel compassion for her.

That was hurtful and .. it made me feel terrible.

As I said back then, I might have used the term compassion clumsily, and as it turned out, out of touch with your feelings and your process. And I apologized for it more than once. I also explained what I meant by it, and that it doesn’t mean suddenly loving your mother and forgetting the abuse she has done to you and exposing yourself to further abuse. Not at all.

I don’t want to go into details of my post about compassion, actually my two posts, one following the other, the second one explaining in greater detail what I actually meant (if someone wants to take a look, those are posts 448021 and 448026, on page 15 of Anita’s thread: Life worth Living).

The point is that I apologized and told you that I’m not trying to push my ideas on you, and that I respect your healing process.

But you weren’t happy with my notion that compassion is something to strive for, even after I’ve explained what I meant. And so you stopped communicating with me and addressed me via Copilot. And then, immediately, without me having a chance to respond, you switched into a higher gear and suggested that not only I’m not supportive of you, but that my lack of support for you is somehow harmful for the community as well. You posted this on July 30, 2025:

Alessa, you are incredible.

The way you support me, your empathy.. is irreplaceable. I don’t ever want to lose it. You are .. the bee’s knees, one of a kind.

Gerard.. are you there?

Tee: Neither here nor there, not with me, not against me. Maybe here, maybe there. Nothing I can hold on to.

Community- isn’t it about we coming together, for the betterment of “we”?

And that’s where I felt the sting. It was really unfair and hurtful. That’s where I decided to withdraw from your thread. I was probably influenced also by the fact that you wanted to stop communication with me already after my first two initial posts, which you deemed problematic. You felt so offended that you didn’t want to keep talking. But we’d continued for a bit more, until you cut the communication completely and started accusing me of having a detrimental effect on the community.

I understand that you were hurt and upset about my initial two posts, and I’ve apologized multiple times. But my apology wasn’t good enough for you. You were so upset that you refused to have anything to do with me from that point on, and switched to accusing me of all manners of things, first openly, then in a veiled manner, without mentioning my name.

I wonder how you feel about it now?

Hi Anita,

Thank you for the “Hi.”

you’re welcome!

in this thread you’ve repeatedly attacked me and, at times, seemed to rally others to join in. I hoped that if you were willing to hold yourself accountable for contributing to an unsafe atmosphere here,

Aah, so you feel that I am guilty of an unsafe atmosphere here, in which I rally other members against you. Hm, I’m afraid I cannot accept responsibility for creating an unsafe environment on these forums.

Other members have freely shared and spoken openly about what is bothering them about this conflict. Most recently, Alessa expressed her fear of how I might react to her, because I defend myself strongly (A lot of the time you have been defending yourself quite strongly. I felt afraid, not knowing how you might react to me.). However, she realized that her fear is unwarranted (It was just a fear. Not reality.)

So, I wouldn’t say that I am contributing to this place being unsafe. Perhaps it feels like that to you, but not to others (I hope).

In fact, more members expressed the need for a space that is “brave”, as an upgrade from “safe”. To quote from an article that Peter shared:

Instead of promising total safety, brave spaces acknowledge that real conversations, especially about identity, justice, and difference will involve discomfort. The goal isn’t to eliminate risk but to create a culture of respect where people can speak honestly, listen deeply, and stay engaged even when it’s hard. It’s about courage and care, not comfort at all costs.

In the conflict that we’re talking about, multiple members, including myself, felt that if we share a different opinion or a perspective that you deem unsettling or upsetting, you’ll shut down, stop talking to us, and then keep expressing your criticism and negative feelings about us on your own thread, without mentioning our names. That created a feeling of unsafety in those members, because they felt judged and accused for simply expressing their opinion.

I wonder if you would speak to that, Anita?

Dear Alessa,

I’m not completely focused at the moment, but I would like to say one thing:

I know that because of my C-PTSD I get afraid in conflict, even watching it between two people. I don’t mean this in a bad way Tee. But I don’t know how you respond in conflict because this is the first time I’m seeing you in a conflict. A lot of the time you have been defending yourself quite strongly. I felt afraid, not knowing how you might react to me. If that makes sense?

Oh Alessa, I’m so sorry about that. Yes, I do defend myself strongly when I’m being accused strongly 🙂 And unjustly… But I never felt anything but friendliness towards you. I know you have a beautiful heart and you care so much, too much even. So please don’t be afraid to tell me anything, really, whatever bothers you, whatever you feel is left unspoken. I am willing to listen. I can take it, I promise. And you won’t hurt me ❤️

Hmm well that is another priority I have that takes higher presidense over my need for things to be calmer. I care about being supportive, more than about calming down the conflict if that makes sense?

I feel like being alone in these things and not having your needs met would be quite challenging.

I see. I understand you want to be supportive, to take care of everyone’s needs. But I think in this particular case, it seems an almost impossible endeavor, because Anita demanded that only her needs be met. That her needs are more important than yours or mine, or anyone else’s.

For example, we expressed the need not to be spoken badly of on her thread, but this need wasn’t respected. And to this day, Anita hasn’t expressed regret for not respecting that need of ours. On the contrary, she considered our need not to be verbally attacked as the violation of her need to express herself freely, in support of her healing.

So how do you reconcile those two needs? You cannot. Something has to give, as they say. And I felt you were willing to let go of your need, while I wasn’t willing to do the same. But if I’m understanding you correctly, you probably didn’t want to let go of your need for good, but just not insist on it for the time being, until you rebuild trust with Anita, right?

I worried that previous conflicts with Anita might make it difficult for her to trust me in conflict. I wanted to show her my nature and that I’m not trying to hurt her.

So you wanted to show her that you’re not trying to hurt her. But dear Alessa, you’ve been showing her that since long ago. Your every post was so loving and respectful, even when you asked for your boundaries to be respected. You expressed nothing but compassion and understanding, nothing but goodwill. You even said at some point that you apologize for your part in the conflict, when there was nothing to apologize for, because you haven’t done anything wrong. You posted this on Aug 10:

I am very sorry for my part in things Anita. When you are ready to talk I will be here.

You wrote extensively that you understand her, that you’re sorry that the ability to journal was taken away from her – even if she used that journal to speak badly of you.

See? You went above and beyond. You tried everything, and I’d say you tried too much, because it was even going against your own needs. But in any case, you tried your best. And I don’t think you need to try again… now I think it’s Anita’s turn to try… to understand you and your needs.

Dear Jana,

I’m sorry this was very triggering for you. And I apologize if I too contributed to that.

I am too weak to set peace in conflicts.

You don’t need to, Jana. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault or your responsibility that some conflicts go on, in spite of your best intentions.

However, you have the right to be upset, either about the conflict going on in spite of your expressed wishes, or about particular participants’ words and actions.

I understand if you were upset about me for keep engaging, for not letting go of certain things. I also saw that you were upset about some things that Anita said. But then it seemed you started blaming yourself for not being able to manage your emotions better.

I’d just like to say: please don’t blame yourself. This is a hard situation to be in. It’s charged. And you’re not responsible for keeping the peace. Sometimes peace and common ground cannot even be reached because there is no shared understanding of what happened.

I don’t want to add to your stress and overwhelm, so I’ll stop now. But if you need anything from me, please say so. ❤️

Anita,

Tee, I hear your pain and your perspective. What I won’t accept is the reframing of my boundaries and truth-telling as manipulation or favoritism. I’ve named harm with clarity, offered repair where I saw fit, and refused to collapse into emotional labor for those who bypass accountability. That’s not a lack of empathy—it’s emotional sovereignty.

I won’t engage in a dynamic where my refusal to self-indict is cast as villainy, nor will I accept comparisons that pathologize my boundaries. If this space feels unsafe to you because I won’t perform care on demand, then perhaps what’s needed is not less truth—but more capacity to hold it.

Good job at learning new expressions (“emotional labor”) to bolster your narrative! Say hi to Copilot for me, it’s doing a great job supporting you in these emotionally troubling times!

Dear Dafne,

But what I want to avoid is living together too soon or being with someone every minute of the day. When that happens, it doesn’t feel right or natural – it’s almost as if we’re already married, before we’ve even had the chance to exchange those vows that make it real and special. For me, that takes away from what should feel new, special, and exciting between us.

Sure, you don’t need to move in with someone immediately, I don’t think that’s even advisable. I was in a LDR with my now husband, and we only met once per month or so. But we communicated via email regularly (there were no smart phones in those times 🙂 ). And we went on trips together.

You can get to know the person quite well over a period of time, even if you don’t live together. But it’s still important to meet them in real-life situations, not only online (which you did, both with this last guy and previously).

As for maintaining premarital purity, I guess you really need to look for someone who is on the same page with you, i.e. who will not try to lure you into living together too soon. They have to be on board with no sex before marriage, but also in being patient and willing to wait – because they value premarital purity, the same as you do.

So look for someone who values premarital purity, not only agrees to do it for you, reluctantly.

I’m sure there are many other situations too – everyday challenges, problem-solving together, or simply observing how we support each other in different circumstances – that can show just as much about compatibility as living under the same roof. Would you add any other possibilities, Tee?

Sure, even going to a restaurant can reveal a lot, or going on a trip together, or doing some activities (hobbies) that you both like, or perhaps going to a family function together. There are many opportunities to see the person “in action” and decide whether you like their character.

Yes, Tee, he fits the profile of a high-conflict or problematic partner. To add to what you’ve already notices for example, he often criticizes others in ways that feel unnecessary or mean-spirited.

One example is how he spoke about his best girlfriend’s boyfriend — someone she’s known for more than five years. He criticized him harshly; it seemed clear that this other person doesn’t like him and they have no contact. He was mocking his job, even though he actually has a stable job and is competent. It was uncomfortable to hear, and it made me realize that he tends to demean or belittle others to feel better about himself.

Yeah, mocking and talking badly about someone just for fun is not a good feature. And you’re right, he might have been jealous of the guy because he had a stable job, whereas he himself had a part-time job and no real career success (so far). And so he might have felt the need to mock the other guy to feel better about himself.

At first, he seemed to create the fairy tale I wanted. By slowly revealing myself, he became the ideal person for me. In the beginning, I thought this was a good thing – he was eager to please and be agreeable, which seemed like a beautiful quality, right?

Well, it can be a tricky thing, because if you want the person to be different, to become “someone else” – because the way he currently is isn’t good enough for you – that might be a problem. Because we have to accept people as they are – I mean, their major character features – and not want to change them.

I’m not talking about some small details and annoying habits they may have – which are not key features of their character. But let’s say you want to turn a shy guy into an extrovert, that’s going to cause trouble and tension. Because we’ll have unrealistic expectations on them, and they’ll feel under pressure to accomplish things, to fulfill our expectations, to become something they’re not. If you know what I mean?

He was trying to be who I wanted him to be, and in itself, that might not have been a bad thing. He seemed okay with being that “new person” for me.

What kind of person did you want him to be, which he wasn’t being when you two met?

The problem, though, was that over time, his actions didn’t fully match what he was trying to show. It felt like he was more focused on gaining my time or approval, rather than genuinely changing.

What kind of change was he promising? Was it related to his character (that he would become a different kind of person), or rather to his career and the success of his projects and suchlike?

We did establish that he was quite manipulative and vague in telling you about his business deals. The question is whether he did it because he was hiding his true intentions and possibly wanted to take advantage of you, or he felt under pressure to “perform”, so to speak, to please you, to meet your expectations, and so he was lying/hiding the facts because he didn’t want to seem like a loser, for example?

I don’t know, so far I got the impression that he was rather manipulative, and the motorway incident showed that he didn’t really have empathy for you and that you couldn’t count on him in times of need.

But I’m curious what change was he promising, that never came to be?

Regarding the question about the wrong fear, I’m still thinking about it. I think the most important is to know what a healthy love and a healthy relationship looks like. To recognize abusive and manipulative behaviors. To know that we deserve certain things (love, respect) and not settle for people who don’t give us that. We need to know what the red flags are in a relationship, and if there are no red flags, we can proceed with more trust.

But I guess we also need to heal those things (emotional wounds) that made us lose faith in people who were supposed to love us. In people closest to us. We need to regain healthy trust in people. But for that, healing needs to happen. It takes time.

Okay, dear Dafne, I’m signing off for now. Take care and lots of love! <3