Dear Katrine,

happy to hear your heel is completely healed. Yes, do those exercises if they can prevent it from happening again!

I hope therapy will help a little. Let me know how it went…

Dear Emily,

I don’t want to date/marry someone that is emotionally avoidant or who just wants to use me. I preferred those men when I was younger, as I thought that was all I deserved. But that’s changed now. I know I deserve to have a partner that treats me well.

I am glad that you are clear about your own worth and that you wouldn’t settle for a lesser treatment any longer. It’s also good that you refused to be K’s shoulder to cry on and someone to keep him company in his misery. Good for you!

If women can be rewarded with love and marriage for treating men like trash, then at the very least I should be rewarded the same for not treating men like that. In an ideal world, I would be treated better than those women, but I appreciate that’s not how it works

You did experience a lot of betrayal, both by men and women, since you were young. M is an epitome of a predator woman, who not only took away the man you loved, but also managed to force you out of your job (I was eventually forced out of my job and at this point I was really depressed as my reputation had been ruined).

She got a job at the same place where you worked and even received the financial reward that was due to you: To make things worse, the colleague got M a job at the same office and due to the timing she ended up getting credit (and the financial reward) for all of my hard work over the previous year.

This does sound like a nightmare, Emily, and I cannot even imagine the depths of the betrayal you felt. Because what she did was evil – she basically tried to ruin your life, so you wouldn’t get near her prey (K).

I want to find someone that can at least treat me like an equal partner, be open and honest and loyal and not abusive. But just because I believe I deserve that doesn’t mean other people do, and so far I haven’t met any healthy men that are a match who want to date me. So it feels as if I’m always having to pick the ‘least bad’ option or just stay alone forever. And both are painful.

It could be that you harbor the belief that “No one respects me”, or “There are no decent men out there.” Even if you believe that you deserve a good man, you don’t really believe that there are good men out there, men who would actually treat you with respect. This is what I am picking up from your words.

So perhaps there is a subconscious belief that all men are crooked and they all want to take advantage of you. Do you think this could be the case?

I seem to attract emotionally dead people in other areas of my life too. Which makes me think I’m giving off some kind of signal that makes people assume I’m an easy target. I don’t look physically intimidating, so I think people assume they can get away with whatever and I can’t/won’t fight back.

Are you saying that in real life, people treat you with disrespect? Or they try, and then you react strongly (you fight back), and then they are surprised?

I prefer talking to people online, as they tend to assume I’m either a guy and/or much older and talk to me like an equal. In real life it’s very different.

Okay, so online they don’t see that you are a woman, and from your words and stance they assume you are a guy, and so you feel they respect you more?

I’ve cut ties with a lot of the toxic people I grew up with, as they didn’t want me to change and improve my life. So I have less drama to deal with there. The relatives that I still have to speak to are slowly getting the message not to drag me into things or try to blame me for their screw ups. But it’s still their default response a lot of the time, as for years I would just sit and take it. That’s always been my ‘role’, and it’s difficult getting other people to accept that has changed. It feels as if I have to keep a permanent barbed wire fence around me now, as I’m constantly having to defend myself and remind people to treat me with basic respect. Which I guess is better than being the doormat/punchbag I was for the first 30 years of my life. But it gets tiring. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for people. I spend a lot more time alone these days, as I get exhausted being on guard all the time.

It’s good that you’ve cut ties with the toxic people you grew up with. But it seems there are still relatives who blame you for their mistakes. You say you still have to speak to them (can’t cut ties with them), but it seems you’re having trouble getting the message across to treat you with respect. They try to treat you like a doormat/punchbag (like they used to before), but now, instead of allowing it, you fight it and try to remind them to treat you with respect.

So you’re in a constant state of stress (fight mode) and you feel like you need to “keep a permanent barbed wire fence around me”, or else they would start treating you like a doormat again, right?

I am sorry you can’t cut ties with those people too. Is it because of your niece, whom you said you want to be there for and serve as a role model for?

Because if you constantly need to be on guard and demand basic respect, that is tiring. I could do that only for a limited period of time. So if you cannot cut ties, can you at least reduce it?

If you have to this going on in your family (basically verbal and emotional abuse), no wonder you feel like going into a combat zone every time you talk to them. And no wonder the belief that “no one respects me” gets reinforced. Perhaps that’s why you feel you need to defend yourself/fight back even in ordinary situations, with normal, non-abusive people. So everybody becomes an enemy and a potential threat, even people who are not abusive?

Hi Adam,

I am glad that I’m noticing the changes now. I honestly don’t think I would even want to ever connect with my ex again and that’s a thought I haven’t had before.

Wow, that’s amazing! I am happy that something in you shifted and you don’t feel that strong pull that you felt before. I am so glad!

I am trying to pace myself more, I still want to experiment and see other people so I am not putting all my eggs into one basket this time.

I will do my best not to rush, I don’t plan on jumping into anything this time. I rather delay it as long as possible but I don’t want to push people away either.

Good! Yeah, you don’t need to reject people, but try to make sure you’re on the same page regarding big issues such as marriage and kids. Also, can you be authentic around her, or you need to watch your every word because she gets offended easily etc. So all in all, is it someone who is mostly emotionally healthy, or is it another difficult, hard to please girl (the kind you were attracted to so far).

I look back now and realise why I felt so strongly for my ex and how we started was a big thing for me. She really did chase me at first and I liked that.

Well, then watch out with your new date, because she too is chasing you 🙂 No, just kidding. But do pay attention to the things I’ve mentioned above. Of course, you won’t be able to spot everything immediately, but over time. So perhaps don’t allow yourself to fall in love and start wearing rose colored glasses too soon, but be a little more observant, so that you can really see her for what she is, not how you would like her to be.

Yeh gaming and smoking go hand in hand usually. But at the moment I haven’t been gaming at all. Barely looked at a screen in the last month besides my phone, there’s just no desire.

Interesting. Perhaps something shifted there too, and you were more focused on working out and keeping your house clean (sort of productive activities), rather than fun/entertainment activities.

I think I relied on partners for something to do and a way to keep occupied also. I don’t feel motivated to even watch a movie by myself, for some reason it only feels special and enjoyable with someone for an example.

Yeah, it seems you need a romantic partner to do fun stuff together, it seems you don’t feel the motivation to do it alone. Because it’s not enjoyable. I can understand you. I think it’s because for you, the connection and bonding is what’s the most pleasurable in an activity. The activity itself can be fun, but it’s not very pleasurable if you have to do it alone. I get it, I too can be like that.

But at the same time, if you have trouble feeling good in your own company, and are often feeling bored, it can be a sign that you don’t have a good relationship with yourself. For example, that you have an inner voice that criticizes you, or that you’re reluctant to feel negative feelings so you stay on the surface and don’t know yourself deeply, or you believe you’re not good enough or interesting enough, and so spending time with yourself isn’t pleasant. Anyway, these are just examples of what can prevent us from feeling good and actually enjoying our own company. Perhaps some of this resonates with you?

Hi Freddie,

you are very welcome, and I hope you can keep in mind the big picture, even if right now your emotions prevail and you want her back, regardless of the big picture.

Just beating myself up a lot and I’m so angry at myself cos I feel I should have done more to save us and that I sabotaged something good. I know I’m probably looking at her through rose tinted glasses at the moment

Yes, you are, you are focusing on the good parts and forgetting the bad parts of the relationship. You were hooked by what she told you in May:

She kept saying how much she loved me and that she couldn’t see herself with anyone else, so stupidly I thought I had time to get myself together and improve for when we got back together.

And then broken when she quickly found someone else:

I’m also really confused how she can have such a quick turnaround herself after saying what she said to me then meeting someone so quickly and wanting to give it a go with him. … I still don’t understand how she could turn off her feeling like that.

It seems that her finding someone else triggered the “I am not good enough” wound. And all you can think about at the moment is to show her that you are good enough. And that’s why you want her to give you another chance. At least that’s how it seems to me.

In addition, she was putting all the blame on you, she accused you of the breakup. Not only that but even her friends accuse you of the breakup. So that too is a huge pressure on you, because you are quick to blame yourself. And now you want to prove both to her and to the world that you are NOT this terrible person that she is accusing you to be. That too I think is a reason why you want to go back and have another chance.

So it’s like you want to prove that you are a good person and not a terrible person. And you want to prove it to her. Does this ring true?

Whereas the solution would be to heal this wound and to finally realize that you are a good person and that you have the right to happiness and to your needs being met. That you are not a horrible person for wanting good things for yourself. That you have the right to protect yourself from bad things. That this doesn’t make you a bad person.

So, instead of going to her to prove that you are a good person, you’d need to work with yourself (including your inner child) to heal the wound.

At least that’s what I see as a way to true healing…

Hey Chris,

you’re welcome! I am glad you’ve come a long way since then and that you don’t feel a spiritual void any more, and also are much more stable and not addicted to anything in excess. Good for you!

I do hope you’ll feel better about yourself, even if this breakup caused you a great heartbreak and regret.

I don’t have the energy to be anything but someone who is the recipient of any kind of affection or interest, I am so low on any ability to be assertive or “outward”. I am hurting so much.

Perhaps what you need at the moment is lots of compassion, understanding and non-judgment. The best to receive this is from a therapist or a support group, not necessarily from a romantic partner. Because romantic partners do have expectations on us, while a therapist doesn’t. We can show up as we are, unfiltered, and we will be accepted. That might help you charge your “batteries” and only receive, rather than needing to give or perform or please anybody. What do you say?

Hey SereneWolf,

How was your weekend?

I am a bit better health-wise, so I had a good weekend. I mean, nothing special, but pleasant and mostly pain-free, which is a miracle when it happens.

I am so sorry your new cat ran away 🙁 Perhaps she’ll come back?

Nope. No marriage

Well lately I feel like a fraud because she’s been very supportive with everything that’s going on and I feel like I’m using her just for my emotional comfort and physical needs not giving her the love that she’s craving from me. I literally said this to her on her face because I didn’t want any dishonesty, but she was like I’m just being silly.

Okay, so you’re determined not to get married. Have you ever talked about the future and topics like marriage and children? What does she say about you wanting to work remotely and possibly moving to a different city? Do you talk about that?

It seems she feels the connection at the moment, as she is comforting you about your job loss and all that. She feels a certain closeness, and I guess that’s why she doesn’t feel that you’re not giving her what she needs. But she did feel it in the past – that’s why she was tempted to go back to her ex. So I guess right now she feels close to you, because you’re open to receiving her love and support. But once you’ll be in a better place and less fragile, she might experience that you’re withdrawing again…

Yes you’re right and I guess I’m just not able to easily accept this truth and still hoping that he might change, But we don’t know. So I guess that’s what hard for me

Yes, it’s hard to accept that. I too was hoping that my mother would realize that she hurt me and that she didn’t give me the kind of love I needed. But she refused to see it. She still believes she was a good mother and I am an ungrateful daughter.

Yes I’m trying to be a good parent to myself, Trying to be kinder with myself day to day

Yes that’s what I’m trying I think being mindful is really helping me a lot, So most of the time when I get negative thoughts my mind tells me not be anxious and worried and appreciate things.

Great, keep it up!

That’s one of the hardest thing I have to work on I guess, Because I’m very afraid of getting older and missing out on things, and while meditation I did deep think about this matter like no matter what, we can’t do absolutely everything. So just learn JOMO. Joy of missing out. Being present in the moment instead of worrying about future and stuff, Don’t compare, Ever one of us have their own unique journey,

Oh I didn’t know there is JOMO too, as opposed to FOMO 🙂 But yeah, we can’t do everything and be at more places at one time. Life is about choices, and we choose one thing at the expense of other. Even if this other thing is also good. But still, we need to make choices and omit certain things, because our time and resources are limited. You also omit a lot during sleep, if you think about it, and yet, you need sleep, because those are your biological limits.

But not easy at all my rational mind ask me lot of other questions that makes me feel behind

Are you worried about missing out on travel? Or you’re more worried about being late in your achievements and career success?

Yes, I did lot of Market research during development for that so for a while they won’t need even new features for this product.

Well, they are very short-sighted and stingy, and you shouldn’t be sorry for leaving that company. I hope you’ll find some place where they’ll appreciate people like you more, and not take advantage of them and them toss them away 🙁

I mean only reason is the I have clear goal and that’s why I’m confident about it. Lot of my friends are really compromising like just get wherever you want, But I’m really picky about it. They are scaring me more because of all the layoffs and unemployment rates are getting higher.

Yeah, I understand that people are rushing to find just anything, because they need the money and the opportunities are shrinking. But if you can afford to wait a little longer, then do it. Don’t fall for the fear that you won’t find anything – because you sure will, if it comes to that. But maybe you’ll have to be less picky, you’ll see about that.

Yes, I did selected some cities where I can stay little longer so I’m applying for Hybrid roles there as well

Cool, that sounds like a good plan!

Hey Beni,

Wow, I feel proud that you did/do this work with you Tee. It needs a lot of strength and courage. I also feel grateful that to meet someone who did overcome it and is able to share it in the way you do.

I am happy if my experience with healing can help you too, so I am happy to share whatever you might find useful.

I do feel that way and I would say it in an unconscious way. Like when someone gives me a compliment I’d say. Ah it’s not so good. I’d down rate it. Because I’d get reminded that I don’t feel good enough.

Okay, that’s a bit different than saying “oh poor me” and sort of pitying yourself in order to get people’s empathy. That’s not the same. If you can’t accept compliment, and you downgrade it, it shows you don’t feel good enough. So you’re like overly shy and meek and lack confidence. But you’re not trying to “manipulate” people to give you love by complaining how hard it is for you, right?

Because I thought, based on what you said 2 posts ago, that you tend to pity yourself in front to others, and sort of try to extract their sympathy. And that it results in tension, because people don’t like to be around people who complain a lot. But that’s probably not what’s happening? You’re not really complaining too much, are you? In fact, earlier you said that you have trouble asking for help and that you feel you need to first give something to people (e.g. organize a garden party), so they would want to hang out with you. You believe you need to first deserve to receive love, right?

This might be how tension builds up yes. I don’t see trough it yet.

So if you’re not complaining and pitying yourself, what’s the tension you feel with people? What are the situations in which you feel tension?

Okay, I observed that treating little Beni in a pity way does strengthen the belief that he’s poor. I try to tell him in the way I mentioned above: “Don’t be silly my love, you know this is not true anymore”. It feels like this can help.

Yeah, if you treat little Beni with a sense of sympathy, i.e. feel pity for him, it only makes things worse. What he needs is empathy. You know the difference between empathy and sympathy, right? There is a great animation about that, with the words of Brene Brown. Perhaps you’ve seen it. It’s on youtube, titled Brene Brown on Empathy vs Sympathy.

What little Beni needs is empathy: he needs you to understand him and see how hurt he was. Don’t tell him “don’t be silly, my love.” Rather tell him “I hear you, my love. I know how hard it is for you. But don’t worry, I am here for you. I won’t leave you. Everything’s going to be fine.”

Something like that… You’re already doing great by addressing him with love. You’re not reprimanding him. You just need more of that love, compassion and understanding. And as little judgment as possible.

So yeah, you’re on the right track with that, just be even more aware of your words. Try not to feel impatient with the little Beni, only give him support and understanding. That’s how you’ll give him real soothing.

How does this sound?

It is really difficult to give it to myself. I met some people this year who could make me feel that I’m good enough. A very wholesome experience. I belief you also do it.

Thank you, Beni. I know it’s hard to love ourselves, if we are made to believe that we are unlovable and unworthy. That we’re not good enough. I know because it was the same for me. I actually received that first “jolt” of love by meditating on Jesus. Yeah. I didn’t receive it from any person around me (although I did and still do have a good and loving husband). But somehow I always felt a hole in my heart, I felt unlovable for a long time. And then in a meditation on Jesus (whom I imagined as unconditionally loving and non-judgmental), I asked him to fill my heart with love. And it happened. That’s the first time I really felt lovable.

Well, that was my experience. You don’t have to do it like that, of course. But sometimes, when there is no one to give us that first jolt of love, we can call for a higher power, if we believe in one. Alternatively, surrounding yourself with loving, compassionate people, and seeking support in therapy are the best ways to feel that love. To accept that we are lovable and worthy.

I think the best I can do atm is to not put pressure on him. I think I need to give him space that he can trust me again.

Yes, you’re seeing it correctly. Putting a pressure on him is the opposite of showing him empathy. He needs soothing and empathy right now, and no expectations. So you’re completely right: what you need right now is self-compassion, meaning compassion for both yourself as a child and yourself now. Self-compassion is like a magic potion, with which true healing begins.

Also I work on making other people feeling good enough. I belief that the mind does not differentiate and by strengthening the trait, I’ll be able to give it to myself later on.

Hmmm… it doesn’t necessarily mean that if we have love and compassion for others, we also have it for ourselves. There are a lot of people who give and give to others (people pleasers for example), but harm themselves in the process. You said earlier that you “naturally take care of everyone around you”:

I naturaly take care of everyone around me. Boundaries and my business, not my business are things I reflect upon a lot. I have to be very careful to only give with harmony to myself.

This tells me that you’re actually very good at giving, and making people feel good enough. Or am I misunderstanding that?

Yes, I belief this is it. I met her a week ago and I saw it in her eyes.

You mean, her neediness and the lack of ability to listen to you and empathize with you?

Hi Freddie,

I am glad you realize that it would be best to let her go and move on. Because even though there were great times, even idyllic times in your relationship, it was only until you were willing to keep a blind eye on the important issues. Whenever you “poked” her to open up, it wasn’t fun and idyllic anymore. She would become defensive, start blaming you and you would back off to keep the peace.

That was the dynamic. So keep that in mind whenever you start missing the good times and how much fun you had together. It was all conditional on you not asking important questions.

I naturally blame myself for anything that goes wrong in my life and because my ex and her friends, one of which I spoke to a week ago have put everything on me and the breakup was a result of my issues.

Yes, we talked about your propensity to blame yourself on your previous thread. And her remarks fell on fertile ground because you accepted the blame. You took it on yourself. And then her friends just confirmed her position, because obviously they don’t know everything what was happening behind close doors. She told them her version and they trusted her.

In fact, let me ask you: how good do those friends of hers know you? Have you talked to them about what’s troubling you? Do they know your side of the story?

I think the whole thing has been made harder by her meeting someone and almost forgetting about me and what she said she felt about me overnight,

I think when you got together in May, she was hoping you’d dropped the issue by then and would stop “buggering” her. I guess in her mind, you were perfect – if you wouldn’t bugger her with those difficult questions. She probably loved this tame, silent you, who wouldn’t ask uncomfortable questions. She was hoping she would get him back.

But when you said you still have to work on your anxiety, she realized you can’t drop the issue. She realized nothing really changed – neither you want to change to accommodate her, nor she wants to change to accommodate you. And that’s it. That’s why it was probably easy for her to let go of you when someone else came along.

The whole thing just got me to a really dark place where I’m just angry at myself and beating myself up whilst hurting and feeling lonely.

I am really sorry, Freddie. You were made to believe it was all your fault – that’s why you are angry at yourself. You also believe it’s a great loss, because you focus on the good times. But try to see the whole picture: which was that good times lasted only as long as you didn’t bring up uncomfortable questions. As long as you pretended that everything was fine.

I understand you’re feeling lonely, because it felt good to be close to her. But again, you couldn’t be yourself around her – you needed to suppress certain parts so she wouldn’t be upset. It wasn’t true intimacy, but a conditional one. And I think you want someone with whom you can be completely honest and not have taboo topics and lies.

I’m starting some cbt counselling which will hopefully help and I’m going the doctors to let him know where my head is and hopefully I can get some medication to help with my mood and mindset as well.

Good to hear you’re going to therapy. I hope you can get to the root of your guilt. We’ve talked a little about it on your previous thread, but didn’t get to any conclusions. If you want to talk some more about what you believe caused this deep guilt, you are very welcome.