Hi Gavin,

I am sorry you’re in so much pain. I get that this was a rude awakening, and the sense of loss is huge. But please, don’t get stuck in self-blame, because after all, there are reasons why you behaved the way you did – even if those reasons are “irrational”.

I understand the connection to my childhood, but the truth is I was selfish and blind to the future and the possible ramifications of what I was doing, even though in the back of mind I knew it was wrong and could lose her

In this above sentence, you do acknowledge the causes of your irrational behavior (childhood trauma), but you gloss over them and continue to beat yourself up for what you’ve done. Please don’t gloss over it, don’t think it’s a small thing. Your childhood trauma, if unhealed, is totally capable of causing such irrational behavior.

Please see yourself as a childhood trauma survivor, and see everything that happened in that light. And then, as anita said, have compassion for the little boy exposed to those negative experiences.

The trauma that we suffer in childhood forms us as persons, it affects both our physical and mental health. And it can make us selfish and blind too. Some people never awaken to their selfishness and blindness, and they keep hurting people (you know the saying: hurt people hurt people). But you have awakened, even with a great sense of loss.

Many of us like that: we need a kind of a shock “therapy” to awaken – we need a super painful experience to finally change our ways. But the most important is that you have awakened. You have realized that you’ve been wrong. However, please also realize and awaken to the fact that your trauma caused you to behave like that. Have those 2 realizations simultaneously.

Don’t just focus on what you’ve done, which keeps you stuck in the loop of self-hatred and self-blame. Also, think of yourself as the survivor, victim if you will, of childhood emotional abuse. That’s the reason for your selfish and irrational behavior. Once you heal that trauma, you won’t behave the way you did.

So find compassion for yourself – for the little boy who’s been hurt – and start your healing journey from there. We can only heal if we find compassion for ourselves. Everything else is just treading water, leading us nowhere.

Hi SereneWolf,

Oh actually I didn’t even know there’s a specifically thing like health anxiety exist

Yeah, it’s actually a nicer and truer version of the term “hypochondriac”. I don’t feel like a hypochondriac, and it’s hurtful when someone hints I might be, because I do have real and debilitating health issues. However, I do tend to worry a lot and feel less resilient than I really am, and this leads to taking some of my symptoms too seriously and catastrophizing about them. So it’s like there is a real reason why I am concerned about my health, but still, I don’t need to worry that much. This excessive worrying is a part of health anxiety, and luckily I am learning how to deal with it and calm myself down.

I did apply but unfortunately didn’t get selected. Someone with even higher experience than me started working there with less salary package. But I didn’t sulk over that because it was months ago and I thought maybe that person needed that job more than me.

Oh I am sorry you didn’t get that job. But you handled it well – not stressing about it, but accepting it and not feeling “less than” because of it. Well done, SereneWolf!

And what I’m looking for is working in HealthTech or Sustainability sector. Because I think it’s meaningful for me and also impactful.

Yes, they both are super important sectors, and sustainability is close to my heart too. It’s good that you’re looking for jobs in fields that are meaningful to you!

Luckily just Thursday I passed initial interview for this Healthtech company. It’s really good position. Took me really long to get selected for a position like that. It’s also fully remote. And enough pay that I can also move to Europe without any issues.

It sounds good! Congratulations on passing the first round!

Now I have next technical interview on Next Wednesday. but I have high hope for this as well as this crazy fear and anxiety that what if I don’t perform well and don’t get it? It’s a really good opportunity that I just don’t want to lose. And it’s just not even letting me practice with good focus. Because this one has multiple stage of interviews after interview on Wednesday there will be two more interviews. And I Need to ace all of this interviews.

I understand that you really want this job. And the pressure to get it. But unfortunately it increases your anxiety, which then makes it harder during the interview. Perhaps the first thing you’d need to do it put the perfectionist pressure off yourself: “I Need to ace all of this interviews.”

No, you don’t need to ace them. You don’t need to be perfect, which was the requirement your father has put on you. You only need to be yourself – which is GOOD ENOUGH.

Because honestly, without flattering you, Serenewolf, you are good enough. You are more than qualified, you have the experience, the knowledge, the managerial skills, and emotional intelligence as well. You’ve got both the tech skills and the soft skills. So really, I think you’re a well-rounded candidate with a lot to offer.

Please think of yourself in those terms. You’ll be a great asset for them, they’ll be lucky to have you. You’ve got a lot of offer. Try to think in those terms.

When I talked about this my therapist while ago she said at difficult time that’s what exactly you need, someone who really supports you and she told me try to stop always being self-dependent. But tbh I’m not able to do that for now. My focus for job is sharp. Because currently it’s a necessity.

Yeah, keep your focus on your job for now. You can return to the relationship topic later. But also, if you can relax a bit and see yourself as a great candidate for the job (like I suggested above), you don’t need to worry that much. Just change the perspective a little, and you won’t be under such huge pressure.

I’ve heard once that excitement and anxiety are very similar in terms of the hormones that are secreted. I’ve just looked it up now and found a Forbes article about it, titled “Anxiety vs relaxation: Relabeling anxiety as excitement“. Here is an excerpt:

The feeling of anxiety is physiologically almost the same as the feeling of excitement. Both feelings produce an elevated heart rate and a feeling of butterflies in your stomach. Both might make you sweat. Your body is readying itself for action. But the feelings are different.

If you can redefine getting this job as an opportunity and challenge, rather than a horrible loss if it doesn’t happen, you might be able to feel more excitement and less fear and anxiety. Anyway, just an idea. Let me know how it sounds to you.

You’re right and like you know we discussed before like I need to be more hopeFul romantic not hopeLess romantic. But I don’t know why but I’m still very hopeless about love. On top of that because of this kind of thinking I’m already feeling like I’d end up alone and no one would love me with their whole heart if I’m keep rejecting love like this.

Because tbh I do really like her but I just don’t see future in her even though she’s really good I just don’t know why…

I think it has to do with your childhood experience of not feeling safe and accepted in the relationship with your parents (specially with your father). Relationship and vulnerability feels like a burden, perhaps even a threat, rather than a source of comfort and safety. From what we’ve talked about so far, relationship feels like a threat to your independence, freedom, life goals, pursuing your passions… Am I right in thinking that? And as long as you see relationship as a threat, no wonder you’ll be afraid of it.

I hope so. Because with another therapist it’s all from 0 to 1.

You mean you need to repeat everything about yourself to the new therapist, until they get to know you?

And more than that It’s the good relationship you know. Because I want good connection too. … And just look her dedication she said we can communicate over written letters like the old times. And she won’t even charge me any fees for that.

She does sound like a very kind and supportive person, who is willing to help in spite of her health issues. That’s admirable. I understand why you don’t want to switch to someone else. Let’s hope she will get better soon. By the way, does she have a diagnosis of what her eye problems are?

Self-healing is indeed not easy. But at the end of the day therapists are only like a guide but all the inner work we have to do by ourselves so..

Sure, yes, a good therapist is first and foremost a positive, compassionate presence in our life. Someone who listens to us without judgment. Someone we can be authentic with. Therapeutic relationship is important precisely because of that. Because a therapist ideally creates a safe, non-judgmental place for us to express ourselves, to be ourselves. Something many of us didn’t have while growing up. In doing so, the therapist also teaches us to create that safe place within ourselves: our internal good parent, or Uncle Iroh or Lord Krishna.

And you succeeded in creating that safe space within yourself, because as you say: And that’s why I’m blaming myself much less than I used to.

And because of that, yes, it’s easier to do self-healing too, because you have your own inner therapist now. The inner critic is still there, but Uncle Iroh is there too, and that’s so precious!

Well I do feel like I’m making a progress but for different perspective I wouldn’t mind you telling what do you think my progress so far? Because obviously you continuously contributing a huge part in my healing journey. Because we started communicating long before I even started therapy.

Thank you, SereneWolf. I think you’ve made an amazing progress. I remember in the beginning you didn’t want to accept that our childhood has a huge impact on us as adults 🙂 but then you kind of “got it”, and that’s when you really went deeper and expanded your self-awareness. That’s when you decided to start therapy too… All that helped you to have much more compassion and understanding for yourself. And I hope you do feel better about yourself in your day-to-day life, without too much self-blame and self-criticism?

You still have work to do related to the fear of relationship, but you’ll get there. Right now, focus on feeling good enough for the job you’re applying for. Because as I said, you’re more than good enough. Just try to get your confidence up, feeling good in your own skin, and I promise you, you’ll ace that interview, without even trying to do it 😀

Hey SereneWolf,

thanks for your quick reply and a warm welcome, I appreciate it!

I do know that you’re very strong & resilient and I admire that.

Actually, I am only now starting to learn to be more resilient. These health issues made me feel very fragile physically, but I’ve realized I am also fragile emotionally. For example, believing that I’d never heal, worrying, catastrophizing etc. And I’ve learned that those are all symptoms of health anxiety. So now I’ve learned how to cope with that anxiety, and also to start seeing myself as more resilient (physically) than I thought I was.

So nowadays, whenever I have a flare-up of my symptoms, I don’t start despairing and thinking my life is over, but I let it pass. And within a few days, my symptoms do subside and I feel better again. So this is how I am learning resilience… by tolerating physical pain 🙂 But it’s been hard, a very hard lesson.. but anyway, that’s life, I hope I am now stronger because of it 🙂

For Job let’s say I’m still being resilient and applying. There were days when I felt like absolute trash. Because I wasn’t seeing any results. And I was worried for financial pressure too. So like finding a job and on top of that financial pressure. That’s the only two things that rendered in my head. Made me sick to my stomach. It was even harder to enjoy simple things (Which I normally enjoy) But It’s getting better.

So you ended up not applying for that entry level job, which was paying well and looked promising?

I am sorry it’s been so stressful for you. Are the opportunities so limited or you are somewhat picky, looking for a very specific thing?

About relationship. Because of this much pressure I totally made her distant from myself. She did try but I wasn’t just in right mental state.

I see. It just occurred to me that when you are under stress and feeling bad about something (like with the job search at the moment), you don’t need anyone around to support you. Like, a romantic relationship isn’t a resource for you, but a burden, it seems? And so you tend to get rid of the relationship, to feel less burdened, right?

Even now I’m just not thinking about it that much. We rarely talk. I even told her that it’s better that she finds someone more suitable according to her needs. But she said no. So now we’re like a non-committed friends who kiss sometimes.

It seems she really likes you and is waiting for you. I am kind of rooting for the two of you too 🙂 Because she seems like a good girl… But anyway, you’ll see. Those things cannot (and shouldn’t) be forced, that’s for sure.

And It’s been one and a half month I’m not seeing my therapist. She got some health issues too. Mostly her eyes and throat. Which is very crucial for online sessions you know. And she did suggest me another therapist but I didn’t liked her that much so I stopped.

Oh I am sorry about that. I also had some eye issues, and it was very frightening, but I did get better, thankfully. I hope your therapist will get better too.

So I talked to her and she said she believes that I’m more than capable of doing self-healing and I’m improved much faster rate than she imagined. So told me keep working on some exercises and working on healing my emotional wounds and whenever I need a like a push, she’ll help me.

Are you doing those exercises? Are you in touch with her? I mean, is she available at least from time to time? Because self-healing is hard, although not impossible.

So told me keep working on some exercises and working on healing my emotional wounds

I’ve heard once a great concept, which is that emotional wounds happened in a relationship, and that’s why we also need a relationship to heal them. A therapeutic relationship primarily. Or we need to have a strong sense of self-compassion, which is like having an inner therapist rather than the inner critic. Unless we have developed a strong inner coach/therapist/good parent figure, emotional healing is hard to do on our own.

So I think it would make sense to try to find another therapist – someone you do have a good rapport with. Unless you’re feeling you’re making progress on your own too?

Hi Adam,

how have you been? I am sorry for disappearing, I had health issues and a related health anxiety, and it was weighing me down.

I hope you are well…

Dear Dafne,

thank you for your kind words and welcome!

I am sorry to have been slow to respond, but as I’ve said, I’ve been dealing with health issues this whole year, which I believe triggered an old childhood trauma. And this made it harder to deal with the chronic pain and the roller-coaster of getting better only to get worse again. So it’s been both physically and mentally/emotionally draining. But I think I am starting to see the light of the end of the tunnel. I haven’t been seeing a therapist, but have been watching some really good videos on health anxiety, which helped me a lot. So I am feeling a little better at the moment 🙂

I’m still experiencing some post covid symptoms & anxiety is one of them. I’m trying to stay positive but it is not always easy. Especially when you do not have a strong support system of your family & friends.

Is your anxiety health related? That you’ll never heal completely or something to that effect? I know it’s much harder when you need to go through those challenges alone… You earlier mentioned a friend of yours, whom you talk a lot about dating and relationships – is she around to help you?

I’m trying to apply your advice step by step but many times my fear is stronger. I did learn to say ,no’ & to set some boundaries but I still feel really isolated & find it hard to trust people & open my heart again.

I am happy that you’ve learned to say no and set some boundaries. That’s already a big improvement! It’s better to guard your heart from the people who would like to take advantage of you. You gave many opportunities and a benefit of the doubt to that policeman, and yet, the only thing he wanted was sex. I am glad you managed to say No to his conditions!

Most men I’ve met miss the ,spark’ they felt with their exes and their hearts are not available to me. Even after the brake up of their relationship, they still long for that feeling with someone new. Or they do not want to settle down at all.

I am sorry about that, Dafne. Have you been dating some more since the policeman?

Recently, I spoke with my father (after many years of absence). I told him how I felt, about my childhood pain & broken hear. He replied that he doesn’t want to feel criticised and that it was between him and my mother. Also he said that I’ve chosen this life for myself before I was born. I wrote my destiny. Everything is my decision and he will not care about any consequences of it. He also said that he has nothing do with my bad partner choices. For him it is a nonsense and how psychiatrist make money.

It seems your father doesn’t want to take any responsibility for his own behavior and for having hurt you. My mother is also like that – she feels she was a great mother and did nothing wrong in my upbringing, whereas the truth is that she was emotionally abusive my entire childhood (and would still be, if I let myself be abused). I tried to explain to her how she hurt me, but she flat out refused any responsibility and is claiming that she was a good and sacrificing mother. So I know that it doesn’t make sense to try to convince her of the opposite, or to try to get compassion and understanding from her.

It seems it’s a similar situation with your father: he flat out refuses any responsibility, even to the point of claiming that you as a child asked for it (asked for abuse and neglect) and “wrote your destiny”. As if parenting has nothing to do with the child’s mental and emotional health. Whereas exactly the opposite is true: a large study (called the ACE study) has proven that children exposed to emotional abuse and neglect have a much greater chance of having life-long physical and mental health issues.

By claiming that he had no negative impact on you and that you chose your own destiny, your father is heavily gaslighting you, washing all responsibility from himself. That’s toxic behavior.

It also shows that unfortunately there is no point in trying to get any empathy or understanding from him, because he isn’t capable of that. Trying to get him to see how he has hurt you will only hurt you more, so my advice is not to talk to him about that any more. I’ve realized that about my mother too, so I am not attempting to get from her what she isn’t capable of giving me (I had been trying for many many years, but have finally given up, realizing that it is only hurting me).

He never supported us emotionally or financially in any way. And now, he has a small piece of land near his place that he wants to sell. So he proposed that I could buy it from him as: ,nothing comes for free in life’ (his words).

Since he isn’t and has never been a loving father, and since staying in his proximity will likely only hurt you, I wouldn’t buy this piece of land. I wouldn’t tie myself to him in any way. Because I can imagine a scenario in which you end up taking care of him in his old age, while he is emotionally and verbally abusing you. I mean, I don’t know him, but I see no compassion on his side. I only see self-interest. Maybe he isn’t needy and wouldn’t demand you to take care of him, but in any case, I wouldn’t like to live near him.

Apparently, this proposal is a hot deal & he won’t hesitate to sell it to someone else. I felt like it is a business proposal and not loving reconnection after years. I felt disappointed but couldn’t really say much.

Sorry for responding only now, I hope you haven’t bought it in the meanwhile. It does feel cold and calculated, like a business proposal. No wonder you feel disappointed. But it’s better not to be close to him physically, when you cannot be close emotionally. And his stance is really hurtful.

I am sorry, Dafne. You definitely deserve more than your father’s kind of “love”. Which isn’t love at all. Some people aren’t capable of love, and so they come up with all kinds of excuses why selfishness and lack of empathy is normal (“nothing comes for free in life“). When again, let me refute that claim, because as they say, the best things in life are for free.

So everything that your father is claiming about love and life is probably untrue… and it needs revision.

Tee, what would you say or do in my place?

For starters, I wouldn’t buy that piece of land. And I wouldn’t try to get any empathy from him either. When he tells you that “nothing comes for free in life”, you can say “the best things in life are free”. You can say it out loud or just to yourself. But it’s important that you start refuting those falsehoods about life and love that he taught you (you don’t need to refute it to him, but to yourself), and learn a different set of beliefs – beliefs that will help you love yourself more.

Dear Peace,

I am sorry for not responding earlier. I have been struggling with health issues and health anxiety related to that, and this has been weighting on me. But I want to say I feel for you and I understand your sadness and your difficulty to accept some of the harsh realities about your family (“I’m still processing a lot of these harsh realities.”)

Why were they so selfish, making me feel utterly worthless and devoid of meaning?

It’s hard to say why some people are selfish, but many factors can play in, including the belief that money can bring one happiness, or that money will make one accepted and valued in the society. So perhaps seeing money as a key to happiness and a sense of worth is what causes your family to be so money-thirsty, at least in part. And so they’ve put money and social status on a pedestal, while disregarding true values, such as goodness, kindness, care and compassion. I don’t know, Peace, but this could be why they are glorifying false values and diminishing you, whom they should love and care for.

However, what you need to do is to stop linking your sense of worth to how they treat you (making me feel utterly worthless and devoid of meaning). This is a child in you, wanting to be loved and valued by her family, and believing that if they don’t value you, you are not worthy. That’s a false belief. Every child believes it though, and that’s why so many of us feel unworthy, because our parents and siblings made us feel unworthy.

But now, as an adult, you need to start believing in your own worth, disregarding of how your family sees you. They shouldn’t be your measuring gauge, since they are unfortunately people with crooked values and crooked priorities. Your sense of worth shouldn’t be dependent on them.

I know it’s hard to accept that you might not be as important to them as they are to you. It hurts. But it doesn’t mean you are not important at all. It doesn’t mean you’re unworthy as a human being. Their treatment of you doesn’t say anything about you – it says a lot about them. Try to tell yourself (your inner child) that you are worthy, special and unique, and you’ll see how your sense of worth will start changing.

Trusting anyone again seems difficult; I feel sad, disappointed, and betrayed.

It’s okay to feel sad, disappointed (in them) and betrayed (by them). Because they have indeed betrayed you. They’re not treating you like a loving family should treat one of their own.

But please, know that your worth is not defined by them and doesn’t depend on them. And that other people are not like them. You have found a husband who is not like them. You can trust your husband, even if you shouldn’t trust your own family. So don’t measure other people by how your own family is.

Now, they’re arranging a wedding for me, Even though i should be happy but i feel broken .

I get you. The people who have betrayed you are arranging your wedding. But don’t feel broken about yourself. Because as I said, you’re a good person, and they are crooked. Instead of feeling broken and unworthy, perhaps feel a little angry at your family. Just a little, so it can give you strength to stand up for yourself.

When you feel better about yourself and more empowered, you can then decide how you want your wedding to look like, how much of their involvement (and their pushing their ideas) you want to allow, etc. It will be also easier for you to decide about the financial matters. Once you start feel worthy and strong, rather than worthless and guilty, things will become more clear.

We can talk more about the practical aspects (money, debt etc), but I think the most important at this point would be to improve your sense of self-worth, which is independent of how your family sees you and treats you.

Dear Peace,

I am very glad to hear that your studies are going well, and that you’ve secured an internship which might turn into a full-time job once you get your diploma. And that you are financially independent. Well done!

And also, I am thrilled to hear that you are happy with your husband, that he loves you, respects you and is supporting you every step of the way. That’s really precious and I am so glad things worked out for you in the love department!

Sorry to hear about struggles with your family though. They haven’t changed much, on the contrary, their behavior is appalling. First they were vehemently opposing your husband, being super racist, then seemingly “tolerating” him if they can get enough gold from his family. When their appetites haven’t been satisfied, they started again with baseless insults and defamation of your husband and his family.

They are leading a vicious campaign against this good, innocent man and his family, which seems to be an okay family and don’t deserve to be treated like that. Your husband certainly doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. You neither, of course.

You’re seeing it very well that they want to make you their slave, fulfill all their wishes, they want to control you completely (In their eyes, making them proud meant becoming their slave because they wanted to control my decisions.). And even if you do everything they say, even if you sacrifice yourself for these mean, selfish people (sorry, I have to call them like that), you’ll still never be good enough for them. You will still be beneath them, and they will always find faults with you – each time you don’t do what they tell you. That’s how big their “love” is.

I lost trust and felt betrayed and used during that time.

They did betray you and have been emotionally abusing you for quite a while now. No wonder you feel betrayed. Because they initially helped you to get to Germany and financially supported you, only to turn against you because you don’t want to follow their dictates. You want to be independent and happy, leading your own life, and not be their slave.

To be honest, I don’t think you should stay in touch with your family. Or you should reduce contact to a minimum because they are quite toxic. But before cutting or reducing contact, I would settle the debt. If I were you, I would repay the debt – separately to each of your 2 sisters. Make a break down of the costs: how much each of them gave you, and how much you gave to each of them in the last year. The difference is how much you owe to each of them.

Your brother is a separate category – he didn’t give you any money, right? Instead, you’ve been helping him, but now it’s time to stop financing him. He is an adult man, older than you, and should be capable to take care of himself and his family. If your mother is living with him, you can pay for her expenses. I don’t think you should be paying their bills, but you can pay for your mother’s upkeep and help with her medical bills, if necessary.

If I were you, I would only pay for my mother’s expenses – not for any of my siblings’ expenses. It’s not your duty to financially support your adult, able bodied siblings.

So my advice is to insist on repaying your debts and financially separating yourself from your family. Because they are using your debt to financially exploit you and as you say, use you as an ATM machine. That’s why they say “no, you don’t need to repay it now”. But the very next day they come with requests for money….

That’s why I think it would be very important to clear your debt. Insist on repaying it, and do repay it, even if they object. And then stop giving them more money, except for your mother’s expenses.

I expect they won’t like it and will try to blame you and guilt trip you, portraying you as a selfish person. But please know that it’s not true – you are a good, honest person, and they are selfish, manipulative, mean people. So try to stay strong and cut as many ties as possible (first starting with financial ties).

How does this sound?

Hi SereneWolf,

thanks for checking on me. I had a long vacation and some of my main symptoms luckily improved (yay! 🙂 ). But now I have some eye problems, which make it hard for me to use the computer. I am going to have that checked with the doctor, but in the meanwhile I am taking it easy and letting my eyes rest as much as possible. That’s why I haven’t replied to you – sorry.

How have you been? How is your job search?