Dear Neverdyed,

I’ve only joined the forum recently and was catching up with the very interesting conversation on this thread. From your recent posts, it appears you’re still keeping in touch with your male friend, but now you’re cold with him, and he doesn’t like it. Did I get that right?

It seems to me that both of you have the avoidant attachment style, meaning that both of you are afraid of intimacy and a deep, honest sharing of yourself. Of vulnerability. Because without vulnerability, there’s no intimacy, and there cannot be a deeper bond between two people.

I don’t know what his story is and why he’s afraid of intimacy, but clearly, his actions suggest that he doesn’t have serious intentions with you, and that he believes it’s okay to forget about you for days on end and not reply. Even, that daily contact wouldn’t be “healthy”.

You asked anita if he behaves like this because you’re too much to handle (so he needs to put a boundary to protect himself), or because he doesn’t care. Unfortunately, it’s because he doesn’t care – because you’re not asking too much. On the contrary, you’re hardly asking anything!

As anita noted, you’re afraid to express your needs, to initiate contact, to even demand things that are rightfully yours, because you’re afraid of rejection. You’re also afraid of being like your mother if you’re too assertive or “demanding”. The result is that often times you stay silent, withdrawn, unexpressed.

Earlier in the conversation, you said that you mother used to tell you “you have good grades in school, but you need to change your attitude towards people”. What exactly did she mean by that? What attitude towards people did you have?

It seems that during childhood, you witnessed two unbalanced ways to deal with conflict: one is your father’s, who’d rather leave the house or stay silent throughout the conflict (basically, he escaped conflict, choosing not to express himself). The other is your mother’s, who complained a lot, attacking and blaming your father (for being the victim, for serving your father while he behaves like in a hotel, etc). If I understood well, she was also provoked by his silence, which made her even more furious.

You decided that you liked your father’s style better, that it’s more mature, while your mother’s is immature and childish. In reality, neither is better or worse, both are unbalanced. Neither attacking and blaming the other, nor escaping confrontation will actually solve the problem. Expressing ourselves and asserting our needs, while at the same time respecting the other and taking into account their needs as well, would be the middle way.

Anyway, enough for now, I’ve written a lot. Hope this was helpful in some way and that with time, you resolve your conflicts.

Thank you dear anita for your kind words.

Dear myoid,

I’ve just recently joined the forum and anita made me aware of this thread, so I’ve read through most of the conversation, including the excellent remarks made by anita.

It does appear your core wound is that of emotional abandonment, of not receiving enough love and care as a child. What is important to understand here is that the child always blames itself for not having its need met – it never blames the parents.
You too are blaming yourself, you said “I wish I could’ve make their lives better”. You also said you don’t think you’re worthy of e.g. enjoying a nice holiday with your family. This is a typical reaction of a wounded child, who believes that if only she would change, the parents would finally give her love and attention. Probably a part of you believes you’re undeserving of love, because again, you blame yourself for not having your emotional needs met.

I would like to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you and it’s not your fault that you weren’t taken care of properly. Also, you need to understand that your needs were justified – we all need care, attention and affection to develop properly. Without it, we suffer and wither, like flowers without sunshine and water. A part of your healing is in understanding that you did need love and affection, that it was justified, and that you didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary.

Regarding your boyfriend, you say he was like a caregiver to you and is capable of loving people (when he’s mentally stable). You said “He cares for the people for who they are, such a loving person.” From your words it seems that he was willing to listen to you, and this means a lot to you, because having someone to simply listen to us and witness, without judgment, is huge. It’s one of our core emotional needs. And probably this is what you were missing from your parents. You said your mother didn’t really care about your problems, she minimized them. She wasn’t seeing you for who you really are. Your boyfriend filled that gap. At least this is my understanding of your interaction.

But as you’ve described, he can provide support to you very rarely, due to his mental instability. So he’s there but not really there. As anita said, it seems like a re-creation of your childhood wound, with the difference that at least he’s there for you sometimes. But many times his behavior hurts you pretty badly, e.g. you never know what he’ll do next, if he’ll cheat on you, or act out in other ways.

You may justify it that it’s not his fault and that he doesn’t mean harm, but even so, in his current condition he isn’t capable of truly loving you. There might be some elements of love, like him being honest about the urge to cheat, or having the decency to move out after he’s cheated on you. But the bottom line is that he cannot stop himself from acting in hurtful ways. Even if he’s aware that he’s hurting you. His mental illness is stronger.

And it’s not your fault that he’s acting like that – it’s his mental illness. So don’t make the mistake of blaming yourself. It’s not your fault and you cannot really help him. He would need professional help.

What you would need is to get in touch and embrace your wounded inner child – that little girl that never got the love and attention she deserved – and be a good parent to her now. As you would water and care for a beautiful, fragile flower, or as if you would care for a precious puppy, you now need to care for your inner child. You can have a doll or a similar fluffy toy as a representative of your inner child, and you talk to it, you put it in your arms, hold it in your lap, you protect it and care for it. Whenever you feel afraid and anxious, you talk to your inner child and console her. You give her the care and attention you haven’t received as a child.

But it’s important to even acknowledge that your little girl exists within you, that she has legitimate needs for love and affection, and that it’s not her fault that she didn’t get those needs met. Now it’s time to compensate and give her the love and care she never properly received. You can do it alone or with the help of a professional, but that’s the path to healing, I believe.

Dear Bob256,

It seems last year’s been a big journey of growth and self-awareness for you, and you’re seeing things much more clearly than before. It does seem like your mother and grandmother don’t have a good effect on you, since they probably have expectations from you and can’t accept you as an independent person with your own goals and dreams. Your father on the other hand seems to support you in going after your dreams and is willing to help you pay for the college. That’s excellent!

I agree with anita – if your mother and grandmother aren’t open to repairing the relationship, and are only willing to accept you on their own terms, it’s better to stay away. I understand it hurts to keep a distance, because you love them both, but if you cannot be yourself around them and they don’t respect your choices, you have to protect yourself. Because as you said, being around them affects your mental health.

Perhaps you need to grieve the loss of the close relationship from your early childhood, grieve all the pleasant moments you had with your mom and granny. And then let go, because now, this closeness isn’t possible any more, because they don’t accept you for who you are. You can still love them and have gentle feelings for them, but at the same time, keep your boundaries and don’t allow them to disrespect you. So you keep an open heart, but you’re also prepared to protect yourself from harm.

It’s good that you’re going away to college because that will make it easier for you to stay physically separated, and yet in touch with them from time to time, if you choose so.

Good luck and stay strong!

Dear Felis,

I am sorry you have to go through this. I’ve been in a similar situation quite a few years ago, and it’s really exhausting and frustrating, especially the inability to let go. From your description, it seems like you were the anxious party in the relationship, needing as much as his presence as possible and sort of clinging on to him, while he was more of the avoidant type, needing space and time away from you.

It’s a frequent match – anxious and avoidant type getting together, but also often breaking up, because the ambivalent party starts feeling suffocated in the relationship, and the anxious party feels neglected and unloved.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the attachment theory, which talks about different attachment i.e. bonding styles between the parent and the child, which then affect our adult relationships as well. If we had secure attachment with our parents, we won’t be that clingy and needy, and will be able to give the other person room to breathe, so to speak, and allow them to have their own interests and hobbies, which might not always involve us.

If we didn’t have secure attachment, there are two scenarios: 1) we will either become very clingy and anxious, constantly fearing that we’ll be left alone, or 2) we become afraid of intimacy and closeness, and want to be left alone, especially when the other party is clingy and insisting on intimacy. The first is the so-called anxious attachment style, which would be yours, and the second is the avoidant attachment style, which seems to be your ex boyfriend’s style.

I too was the anxious party and literally thought I would die when my boyfriend threatened to leave me. I felt like I was falling into the ground and disappearing. I thought I won’t be able to survive without him…

Fortunately, I could work through my fear in therapy, and realized that when I am obsessing about him, it’s the small child inside of me scared of being abandoned. I realized I won’t die without him, and it made things easier. From then on, I wasn’t clinging on to him so much, wasn’t controlling his every step, I could allow him room to breathe. And the result was that he didn’t feel threatened any more and spontaneously got closer to me. As I stopped clinging on to him, he stopped resisting and running away. Now we’re married 😊

I hope this helps. Good luck to you!