Dear NYC Artist,

you’re welcome. I’d like to acknowledge you for the fact that in spite of the abuse you’ve experienced in your childhood, you’re not tolerating it in your adult life:

It’s not a matter of pride at all, but again, self preservation. I’ve grown up with abuse and it feels strange to me to not accept that behaviour.

This is huge, it’s a proof of your strength and the ability to self-preserve and love yourself. I understand you also have a very good husband, which too stands as a proof that the childhood abuse hasn’t ruined your capacity for self-love, self-respect and self-preservation. That’s admirable!

What might be happening is that the little girl is still seeking to change her mother and her early care-takers, so that she does get the love and care she needed. So that she could experience peace that she never had in her childhood home. What if your craving for peace in the world is fueled by the same desire – to have peace and love in your own family home? A part of you still seems to look  for that peace outside and depends on other people to provide it for you. Even on political leaders. But of course, the attempt is futile, they can never ensure the peace you’re longing for. The answer is to create that peace and love – that safe, loving space – within yourself.

What do you think? Is there a chance that this is what might be happening within you?

Dear NYC Artist,

in both cases, both of your uncle and your friend, you speak of failure:

Not speaking to him makes it awkward at times. I know I need to stay away but it just ultimately feels like a huge failure.

As for my friend, again, I feel feelings of failure.

Since your love and peace-making attempts failed, even though you’ve given your best, do you perhaps feel like a failure? If those people don’t change, do you see it as your own failure, your fault, your being “not good enough”, rather than ascribing it to their own limitations and their stubbornness?

Dear miyoid,

I believe it’s not such a terrible thing you didn’t tell the truth about your motives for leaving.  The most important for you at this point was to leave, and you did it, and you didn’t regret the decision. That’s what matters. With time, as you’ll be standing more and more in your power and authority, you’ll be able to express your needs and expectations more freely, and even admit when workplace conditions aren’t acceptable for you. But for now, it was important to leave that place, and you did it – good for you!

“I was let down before, I was abandoned before, I know I’ll be able to survive. But this time I have to grow up, I guess and this is going to be a bit painful.”

Yes it is, for sure, but what is different now is that you’re aware of your patterns and that staying in them isn’t a solution. Not only that, but you’ve gathered the courage and strength to take care of your own needs, so you’re slowly changing that pattern of helplessness. As Anita said, you do have someone special to rely on – and that’s you! It won’t be easy at first, but it will be so much more rewarding in the long run.

So just hang in there, take it easy on yourself, take good care of yourself, perhaps you can even put on a makeup even if you don’t go to work – if that makes you feel better. You’re building a different response, and a different relationship with yourself, and it will take some time. So try to be patient and compassionate with yourself <3

Dear Anita,

thank your for your perspective.

“You’ve been talking about inner-child work, healing childhood wounds (metaphorically, climbing a mountain)”

I actually didn’t equate the inner child work with climbing the mountain. It was Peter’s metaphor of his own process. I just noticed he said he’s tempted to climb it again (and similar metaphors, such as re-crossing the river), and that’s why I thought he isn’t so sure that he let go of say guilt of whatever emotions he was struggling with. I was simply noticing a certain hesitance, a certain doubt in his words, and thought that it means he hasn’t really let go, or that he might have let go just mentally, but not emotionally.

I know that many teachings talk about climbing the mountain and finally reaching some “enlightened” state, or a completely healed state. I don’t believe that, because we’ll never be perfect human beings, there’s always room for growth, so I don’t believe that we can reach some ultimate state of perfection.

And I agree with you, the inner child work isn’t supposed to go on forever, because once we’ve healed our main emotional wounds, the inner child isn’t hurting any more, isn’t craving for love, attention and validation, and we sort of integrate it into our adult personality. So it’s not the miracle cure for everything, but it can help in healing our major unmet emotional needs.

Dear Sarasa,

no problem, glad to hear from you.

“I am a little confused how I feel about him”

If he were to admit his feelings for you (say in a hypothetical scenario), how would you feel? Would you reciprocate or there would be something standing in the way?

Dear Peter,

The question I asked about When does the seeker become a finder? How we can know for sure if we’ve forgiven and let go ? Was a question I was asking you. I have had my experience that answered that for me, which after failing badly to explain in words suspected such a experience was one of those that could disappear when ‘explained’.

I know that I’ve forgiven and let go (and healed the negative emotional experiences from my childhood) because my life is better as a result. I feel better about myself, have healthier relationships, my life has more purpose and meaning, etc. So there is a positive impact on my life.

Dear Kitty, you’re welcome. If you want to share some more, please do so.

Dear Kitty,

There are many uncertainties in your current situation, but what’s for sure is that neither Sid or Jake want to date till they enter their respective colleges. The big difference being that Sid doesn’t want to date at all until he finishes college, whereas Jake wants to, once he gets in. What is also sure is that Sid’s parents are strict and it appears he’s afraid of them more than he’s attracted to you, because he visited you only twice, even when you were in the same city.

If I understood well, you broke up with Sid mostly because of long-distance, i.e.  mostly because of you because he’d be fine with long distance, since he wants to focus on his studies anyway, and dating isn’t his priority. Once, when you felt bad and needed his support, he even told you “we can’t do anything and we aren’t gonna die if we don’t meet”. This tells me that he isn’t that disturbed that the two of you aren’t together at the moment. He’s assuring you that you’ll be together after college, and in the meanwhile he seems pretty cool about you not being together. He’s even telling you about a girl he likes.

My impression is that you’re actually afraid that you’d lose both Sid and Jake because if you tell Sid about Jake, he’ll get angry and jealous (you said he was possessive in the past), and you might lose him forever. But I believe you might lose him anyway, because he doesn’t seem as attached to you as you are to him. Four years of college is a very long time, and in that time, both you and he might have multiple relationships. You’re young and so many things can change. So the fact that he’s telling you that you’ll be together later might be just something he’s telling you to make you feel better – unless he really has a strong intuition that the two of you are meant to be together. But if so, he wouldn’t be having crushes on other girls, I suppose.

What I am trying to say is that even though you believe Sid couldn’t live without you (“the thing is I really don’t want to break his heart by telling him about Jake”), I don’t think he would be that heart-broken as you believe he would. My impression is that you’re more invested in your relationship/friendship than he is.

So my suggestion is to take a look at what you want, and not worry so much about Sid, because Sid will most likely be fine. But will you be fine without him, that’s a question. Try to answer that question for yourself, honestly.