Dear Carly,

to answer your question right off the bat: no, you haven’t ruined your life. You did make a mistake marrying your husband, but you don’t have children together, and so with some juggling, you can separate from him never to have to meet him again.

It appears you never had support from your parents, they didn’t believe you when you complained about being bullied and people spreading rumors about you. They invalidated you and your experience. And I guess it’s been happening your entire life. That’s why you were attracted to this man, who was “the only person who would listen to you”.

He sounds narcissistic, by the way, because you say he’s charismatic, he has a fake persona and easily manipulates people, and he’s selfish and controlling. Perhaps he was “love bombing” you in the beginning of your relationship – showering you with praise and attention? If so, that would be a typical narcissistic behavior.

It seems you first wanted to escape from your parents and ended up with your husband, and then you wanted to escape from your husband back to your parents, but they didn’t let you come back. It seems both your parents and your husband are abusive and don’t care about you. The only way to help yourself is not to seek their help but separate yourself from both and start your life anew.

I’ve been applying for jobs for over a year now and no one will get back to me. I’ve more than lost hope of ever getting out of this mess. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I reach for something, I’ll always be met with disappointment and failure.

You were indeed met with rejection and disappointment whenever you reached to your parents. That’s why you formed a belief that it can never be different for you, and perhaps that you are a failure too. The experience with you husband “proved” the same. But it’s a false belief, based on your so-far negative experiences.

The truth is that you deserve love and understanding and compassion and success in life, but you’d need to let go of the childhood programming and start loving and trusting yourself. You’re only 24, the whole life is in front of you, and you can make it a better, different experience than you had so far.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.

Dear Javier,

I am sorry that the stay in the clinic didn’t seem to have helped much.

How was your medical checkup? And the neurotransmitter measurement? What are the conclusions?

After my last session, I’m stuck in my past. I miss everything and everyone from when I was a kid. My family, my friends, my classmates, my teachers, my relatives, the good times. I miss being young and full of life.

What did you do in the session? It appears you went back to your childhood, but somehow remember it only in positive terms, even though you suffered pretty much as a child. But it seems you remember only the good times, and forget about the bad times, and this exacerbates your sense of loss…

What I think is one of the main problems is that you’re completely identified with the part that is helpless and feels guilty for everything. There are more parts of our personality, but you’re completely identified with that one part. In order for therapy and healing to work, you’d need to “unblend” from that part. You’d need to step back and realize that this helpless and guilty part is not the entirety of who you are. You’d need to access your true self, which is beyond this helpless, guilty part that you’re stuck in.

One quality of our true self is the ability to witness and observe all of our thoughts and feelings, and all of our parts – without judgment. So if you can observe the helpless and guilty part, but not identify with it, that would be an important step in your healing.

One of the ways to develop and strengthen the witnessing part is to stay in the present moment, breathe slowly and follow your breath as it goes in and out of your nostrils – in short, methods used in mindfulness meditation. Would you be willing to explore that more?

Dear Ben,

good to read from you again, glad you started your own thread!

I think it’s helping because I’m so uncertain about the validity of my own feelings. Simply being told “Yes, you are suffering, this is valid and real” gives me something to hold on to. It means that there’s something I can try to fix.

Isn’t it ironic that I worry about my feelings being “all in my head”? Of course they’re in my head- that’s where feelings happen.

Did you have people in your life tell you “it’s all in your head” and try to invalidate your feelings, i.e. your pain?

If you’d like to share some more about your childhood and your relationship with your parents, please do. It might help understand the unhealthy dynamic and how you were hurt…

I understand your need to drink – alcohol soothes the pain… And your pain stems from childhood, that’s almost sure. So if you’d understand how exactly you were hurt and how your needs weren’t met, it might help you deal with your pain in a different, healthier way.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.

Dear Ben,

you’re very welcome. I see you feel some shame around suffering from PTSD since you say you haven’t experienced war trauma directly. But in fact, there’s a subset of PTSD, called complex PTSD, which occurs as a result of repeated, “smaller” traumatic events, like having a difficult childhood. Complex PTSD (c-PTSD) is also called developmental trauma, because it happens during our formative years and it affects our adult life significantly.

So don’t feel “less than” or unworthy of calling yourself a trauma survivor. Because that’s what you are – a trauma survivor. A nasty divorce and everything that preceded and followed it can definitely cause trauma for the child caught in the middle…

On top of that came recent losses and tragedies in your life, which spilled your cup of pain and you cannot contain it any more. You cannot bear it, it’s too much for you. I totally understand.

You say “Nothing has helped me so far.” Have you tried therapy, and if so, what type? You said you went to rehab too. How is it now with your drinking? Do you have some support, e.g. are you participating in a support group?

I think it would be best if you’d start a new topic, so that we keep this thread for Sparky64, if she wants to return to it and share some more.  To started a new topic, go to Forums-> All Forums-> then pick a Category (e.g. Tough Times), and then New Topic.

I would love to hear more from you.

Dear Ben,

I am sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much. Would you like to share some more? What caused your PTSD, since when have you been suffering from it, or anything else you may want to share? Is there something happening in your life at the moment that makes you feel overwhelmed (It’s an infection which has spread into every minute of every day) and not being yourself any more?

Dear miyoid,

happy birthday! Although you’re not feeling too happy at the moment, I know…

I am sorry about your sister – she had a tough time too. You say she’s stronger, maybe in the sense that she left home early and never came back. I guess she became independent from the family earlier? However, you said earlier that she has troubles in her relationships:

She gets overly attached, then she spends the rest of the relationship with the fear of losing, and then she eventually loses the person. … She lives alone, currently single, with lots of failed relationships.

It appears she too fears abandonment, but in spite of that, she gets abandoned often and ends up alone.

Regarding your mother, don’t expect that she’d change. It appears she’s getting more and more obsessed with cats and even willing to sacrifice her marriage for that. You’ve noticed it well – it’s her coping mechanism, to distract herself from pain (and from the need to change).

I’m continuing my life that I’ve been living without the emotional support I need from her and other people as well.

Your mother has never given you emotional support, miyoid. She might talk with you and listen to you, but she usually minimizes your problems. But I understand that you now worry what might happen if you’ll have to take care of her. Till now, you didn’t have to take care of her much – either emotionally or physically, did you? Now there’s a threat that she might need your help.

I believe what you can provide is support in terms of helping her find a place to stay – so concrete, physical actions. But don’t try to provide emotional support, because she’s not really open to it and it would only drain you further. I don’t know if she complains to you or pities herself? But try to separate yourself emotionally from her.

I don’t know what I feel, maybe resentment, maybe just pity for myself. I cannot get angry with anyone, I just feel helpless. I wish my mom had healthier coping mechanisms.

I know you wish she’d change, but unfortunately it’s not in your domain. Only she can decide that, and right now, it appears she isn’t willing to change. So your possibility to help her is limited. I think you definitely cannot help her emotionally, but as I said, maybe you can offer physical, material help, but also respect your boundaries. Don’t take on more than you can bear, e.g. don’t allow her to move in with you with her 8 cats. Have compassion for her, but also protect your boundaries.

I might be feeling resentment towards people that tried to love me but then eventually quit. Such as my mother, ex-boyfriend, and so on.

When you say it like this, it sounds like those people tried to love you, but they quit because of you. As if you were unlovable. You know that’s not true – your mother “quit” because she wasn’t able to meet your emotional needs. You said she abandoned you both physically and emotionally. It wasn’t your fault, but her inability to meet your needs as a child.

I was spending my time alone at the house in the evenings, and she was working. I remember a night, before a huge exam which was about the entrance to high school. A child is supposed to get to bed early those days, cause we have like 6 or 7 big exams in our standard education life. But I remember her not being able to return home for a long period of time and I felt a bit bad. I wasn’t able to sleep cause I waited for her.

You obviously spent a lot of time alone, your mother was working till late in the evening, and you were happy to find someone to chat with online, because she was not really available. When she was available physically, she wasn’t available emotionally. She wasn’t there for you. Then your mother met her second husband. And probably she was even less available? Maybe at that time her second husband became her priority, like now her cats are? You were never her priority.

I know it’s painful, miyoid. But if you believe it’s your fault, you’ll sink into helplessness and self-pity, like you tend to do now. None of it was your fault! You deserved to be cared for, and your mother neglected you. Try to say this to yourself out loud: “I deserved it! And I didn’t get it!” See if you can feel the power of speaking those words. See if it fills you with anger. Because it should. Instead of sinking into helplessness and blaming yourself, allow some anger into your system, which will give you the power to stand up for yourself.

Let me know what you think about it, and how it felt if you tried speaking it out loud (to yourself, privately, not in front of your mother or anyone else).

Dear Jack,

that was a nice touch, and a very romantic gesture, specially nowadays in the era of electronic communication… I can imagine she was so happy and touched about it!

Yeah, and that’s why I don’t think there’s any need to be texting all day and everyday.

Definitely no need to text all the time, however if she’d like to hear from you at least once per day, I think you should humor her. She told you she’s anxious, so perhaps it would upset her if she doesn’t hear from you for an entire day?

Dear DaveF,

you’re very welcome. I am happy to hear that you’ve managed to talk more calmly with your girlfriend and are considering the option to live apart for a while. Also, that you have stronger and stronger feelings that you want to trust yourself and believe you can do it, even if it’s going to be hard. That’s a great attitude, and it shows you do have a certain strength and don’t believe you’re completely helpless and stuck.

I feel so sorry for my partner and my feelings make it hard to hold back the tears most days.

It seems there’s a part of you that feels guilty for asserting yourself and having your needs met, and it could be coming from the little boy who didn’t want to burden his mother with his needs, when she was struggling alone, being a single mother?

I am so scared that if I do take action, I would feel so lonely and regretful,

This sounds like another part of you, who’s afraid of being abandoned. And it could be because one parent (your father) had already abandoned you, so there’s a threat of that always looming…

You are right that I believe those things that she said to me, that I “won’t find someone who loves me like that” or that “I won’t be able to manage on my own”. But I have stronger and stronger feelings that I want to trust myself, and understand that it will be hard but I need to do this for me, and believe in myself.

It’s great that you’re aware of those voices within you, but also, that your confidence is growing and that you feel a strong need to stand up for yourself, to assert yourself.

Regarding your friends, I understand you’re hurt by their rejection. I don’t know whether there are objective reasons why they can’t take you in (e.g. if they have a family, or a partner who’d feel uncomfortable with another man living in the same apartment for 6 weeks), or it’s rather them not wanting to be disturbed for selfish reasons. You may want to re-evaluate your friendship with them, if you feel they’re really selfish and could have helped you if they wanted to…

What’s good in the whole story is that you’ll be soon moving to your own flat, which is fantastic, and only need to find a temporary accommodation. Do you have an idea how to bring that about?

Please free to express whatever it’s on your mind and heart, you’re not “ranting” at all, you’re expressing yourself very coherently and with a lot of self-awareness. I am happy to read from you.